- 10 months ago
What happens to people who suffer from mental illnesses and commit violent crimes? Where do they go? How are they treated? Little is known about the facilities once called asylums for the criminally insane. --- 87t4-izfj
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Short filmTranscript
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00:01:20This is not like a psychiatric unit at a general hospital
00:01:23where you would take your mother.
00:01:25♪♪
00:01:30Get out of the room! Get out of the room!
00:01:32Fuck you! I'm going to hit you! I'm going to hit you!
00:01:34I'm angry!
00:01:37Justine and Richard.
00:01:39Okay, come with me.
00:01:41Just come with me.
00:01:43That's not going to help you.
00:01:45Can we leave this room?
00:01:47Can we leave this room?
00:01:49Justine?
00:01:51Justine?
00:01:53Justine?
00:01:55You're not listening right now.
00:01:57You're yelling.
00:01:59You're not using your rational thinking.
00:02:01I need you to calm down.
00:02:03Walk with me so the guys can deal with him.
00:02:05Come with me.
00:02:07The Brockville Mental Health Centre
00:02:09is strictly a forensic psychiatry unit,
00:02:11which means every client here
00:02:13has some sort of criminal charge.
00:02:15Well, then take it away from him!
00:02:17You need to not yell right now.
00:02:19You're yelling at me.
00:02:21They've stirred up a lot of emotion with the male patients,
00:02:24and the particular male believes and is paranoid
00:02:27that the girls are yelling at him,
00:02:29they're problematic with him, they're causing him problems,
00:02:32so he was very agitated, very angry.
00:02:35OK, no.
00:02:37OK, Justine.
00:02:39Justine!
00:02:41No.
00:02:43It's not going to help by yelling, OK?
00:02:46I've seen lots of violence over the years, serious violence.
00:02:49We've had murders on this floor.
00:02:53Whenever she had asked me to speak to him, I did,
00:02:56and I said, Richard, in French, I said to him,
00:02:58please turn down the radio.
00:03:00They're trying to watch TV, and he did.
00:03:02It still wasn't good enough for her.
00:03:04She was fixated on that.
00:03:06She has been all day.
00:03:08She decided, well, I'm going to go for it, and she did.
00:03:11But the thing was, she wasn't expecting the retaliation
00:03:14he was ready to give her, and I think he scared her.
00:03:17He did. She said he scared her.
00:03:19But I told her, and I've told her many times,
00:03:21I said, you're not on a unit
00:03:23where you don't think you're going to get hurt.
00:03:25I said, that's your first mistake,
00:03:27because on this unit, it could happen very, very quickly.
00:03:30She removes herself from the situation when it escalates like that.
00:04:01The majority of people who have a diagnosis of schizophrenia,
00:04:05they don't have violent tendencies.
00:04:10But all our patients at some point displayed violence.
00:04:14They're stable, they're fine, but the potential for violence
00:04:17is what got them here in the first place,
00:04:19not just because they were schizophrenic,
00:04:21because they were violent.
00:04:30MUSIC PLAYS
00:04:52Michael's a very warm, intelligent young man,
00:04:55struggling with a devastating illness, which is schizophrenia.
00:05:00We have been able to get him quite well, but never into recovery.
00:05:08Essentially, what's been going on with Michael
00:05:11is that he has become quite sensitive in social situations.
00:05:17It's not really paranoia in the sense that you think somebody's going to harm you.
00:05:22It goes back to, he has a feeling that people know what he did.
00:05:31MUSIC CONTINUES
00:05:45As a new patient, generally speaking,
00:05:48they'll put you up, they'll start you up on the fourth floor.
00:05:54It's like school.
00:05:56B3 north, B4 south is grade one.
00:06:00B3 north is B2, or is grade two.
00:06:04Down here south is three, and what I'm on is four,
00:06:07and you want to get out of here.
00:06:16This is the most secure unit of the four in the FTU.
00:06:21They're pretty caged in for the time being.
00:06:26They could come in on a serious crime.
00:06:29The staff wants to know if anything else...
00:06:32They don't want anything else to happen, anything else negative.
00:06:41They're strangers to each other too,
00:06:44so there's a threat that exists between co-patients,
00:06:49just as there's a threat between the staff and the patients at times.
00:06:54So it can be a hostile area.
00:07:01These are our most dangerous, most unpredictable fellows at this end.
00:07:06We're going to get some more guys up before we open that door.
00:07:09I don't think he even knows where he is at all.
00:07:12I don't think he knows what's even going on.
00:07:15Most of them are new people that we don't know that well,
00:07:19and they haven't been stabilized on meds.
00:07:22He's very unpredictable.
00:07:24Very, very unpredictable.
00:07:28He's just very sick.
00:07:30It would be very frightening if you weren't psychotic.
00:07:34And if you happen to come in and you're in for an assessment
00:07:37and you aren't floridly psychotic,
00:07:39I imagine it would be just a very frightening visit to the circus.
00:07:52And then over here we have the nursing station, the care station.
00:07:58There are a lot of patients to take care of,
00:08:02and we have lots of needs.
00:08:05Things seem to be pretty quiet right now,
00:08:07so we're, I don't know, the patients,
00:08:09everyone's behaving themselves for the most part.
00:08:12If someone causes trouble,
00:08:14the first thing they'll do is they'll close this door here,
00:08:18just barricading themselves into the nursing station
00:08:22if worse comes to worse.
00:08:36Tell me about this program group. What do you take in them?
00:08:39The one I just finished was called Symptom Management.
00:08:45Do they talk to you about if your voices return, how to handle that?
00:08:51Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure.
00:08:53And what do they teach you about that?
00:08:56They ask you, does it sound like it's a person talking to you
00:09:00or does it sound like it's in your head?
00:09:02And you answer, no, I think it's the person talking to me, or whatever.
00:09:06They ask you what they say, what the voices say.
00:09:11And you tell them to say, I hate you or I love you
00:09:14or whatever they say, you know?
00:09:17Can you tell the difference when the voices are real and when they're not real?
00:09:30Do you know your sister's here?
00:09:37OK, but is your sister here? No, she's not?
00:09:42Do you see her anywhere around?
00:09:47OK, so can you tell that those voices aren't real?
00:09:50No. You can't.
00:09:52That's when you need to come to staff. OK.
00:09:55Because if your sister's not around, any voices that you hear
00:09:59are voices that you're hearing in your head. OK.
00:10:04This is in Germany, this is Brockville.
00:10:07Yes, it's Brockville, Ontario, Canada.
00:10:10People keep telling me it's Germany, and I never studied.
00:10:14What people?
00:10:16My sister.
00:10:18But your sister's not here?
00:10:20It feels like she's here. I know it's time for my sister.
00:10:25My sister would get really angry at me.
00:10:31It's all part of the voices that tell you things? Yeah.
00:10:35Now, those are not what they call command hallucinations.
00:10:38Command hallucinations are something different? Yes.
00:10:41What are they?
00:10:43Command hallucinations, from what I gather, are things that say...
00:10:51..jump off this bridge.
00:10:53It's right there, look, look, there's the railing.
00:10:56Jump off this bridge.
00:11:00There's a bridge there, and it's quite elevated over the highway,
00:11:04and on the highway there's huge vehicles passing, right?
00:11:08So you're walking across the bridge, and the voice will say,
00:11:12now's a good time, now's a good time.
00:11:15So that's what a command hallucination is, I think.
00:11:19Aside from harming yourself, as you understand it,
00:11:23do command hallucinations ever tell you to hurt somebody else?
00:11:27I'm certain they do.
00:11:30BIRDS CHIRP
00:11:38Mr Beninato was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1996,
00:11:42and this followed a series of violent outbursts against his family
00:11:47and reports of hearing voices.
00:11:51This leads up to the 2003 incident.
00:11:54On that particular day, he came home.
00:11:57His father was watching television, and he asked his mother for a cigarette.
00:12:02She said she didn't have one.
00:12:04He escalated and became very, very angry
00:12:07and grabbed her by the hair and was shaking her around.
00:12:11As a result of that, she became unconscious.
00:12:13He called an ambulance and said that he had a temper tantrum, as he put it,
00:12:17and she was brought to the hospital.
00:12:19She was in the intensive care unit because she was in a coma for weeks...
00:12:24..and suffered irreversible neurological damage.
00:12:27She walks with a cane.
00:12:35Sometimes patients feel that the more honest they are about symptoms,
00:12:38the less privileges they'll get,
00:12:40because then people think they're sicker and they're more of a risk.
00:12:45So Mr Beninato's case in particular, he sometimes downplays that
00:12:50to say that he experiences them all the time,
00:12:52and especially if he says, well, they told me to do bad things,
00:12:55that probably he wouldn't get out of the hospital as quick as he would like.
00:13:03I don't hear a voice. I don't even know why they give me medication.
00:13:06But they tell me I've got schizophrenia mentally, I'm sick.
00:13:11So I just listen to them, you know?
00:13:15And have you ever heard voices?
00:13:19No, not really, no.
00:13:21I don't really hear voices.
00:13:23Sometimes I think through my thoughts and stuff.
00:13:28Sometimes I do hear voices, though, yeah.
00:13:31I don't really, like, hear them too much.
00:13:34I think, like, the voices are, like, voices saying,
00:13:37who cares, buy crack cocaine, buy marijuana, drink beer, liquor, whatever.
00:13:42And then my thoughts say, hey, like, you don't want to do that.
00:13:46And then even the voices that say, buy crack cocaine, you know what they say?
00:13:50They say, we're sorry, we bothered you, we bothered you in the past.
00:13:56And then they start to say things like, well, the thoughts say things like,
00:14:02don't, like, listen, don't go buying the drugs.
00:14:05And even the voices say, we don't want to pressure you into doing that either.
00:14:09You know, sometimes, like, I'm not saying right now,
00:14:11but in the past, like, the staff heard you, like, yelling in your room,
00:14:15and there's no one else there.
00:14:16Yeah, yeah.
00:14:17So how would you explain that?
00:14:19It's sort of like I hear, like, voices bugging me or, like, putting me down.
00:14:23So you yell back at them? Is that what you're doing?
00:14:27Well, it's like I'm not trying to put the voices down, you know?
00:14:31You know, instead of saying, hey, like, leave me alone,
00:14:34it's just like I tell them, like, you know, like,
00:14:36why don't you, like, start to get with the program?
00:14:39You're falling behind, you know?
00:14:45Lunch is now on the ward for the South Side.
00:14:47Lunch is now on the ward.
00:14:50You want this now or not?
00:14:52What?
00:15:12Hey.
00:15:38Hey, Mike.
00:15:39Hey.
00:15:40How are you, Peter?
00:15:41How are you?
00:15:42Not too bad, you?
00:15:43Good to see you.
00:15:44You look good.
00:15:45You too, thanks.
00:15:46Hey.
00:15:47Johnny.
00:15:48Looks like you got some sun.
00:15:50More than me.
00:15:51Maybe.
00:15:52How you doing?
00:15:53The name of this person is Michael Roland Stewart.
00:15:56His date of birth is December 14, 1978.
00:16:01His date of admission was March 22, 2005.
00:16:05His index offense is second-degree murder.
00:16:10His criminal status is not criminally responsible, NCR.
00:16:29Mike belonged to what would normally be considered the popular crowd.
00:16:35He was extremely self-assured, extremely confident,
00:16:39and top marks in the class.
00:16:46Lots of friends, girls and guys.
00:16:49He's probably among the funnier people in the room, I think.
00:16:54But he was just so sharp, such a good way with words,
00:16:58supremely confident.
00:17:01And this was certainly into the time where Mike had become sick.
00:17:06Spring of 1997.
00:17:10There seemed to be a difference in him right away,
00:17:12and I thought that he kind of became quite recluse.
00:17:17He thought Mom had awoken him
00:17:19so she could read his mind a few hours before he went to school.
00:17:30Do you see a big change in him today?
00:17:32Oh, he's not the same guy at all.
00:17:40From a nursing perspective, Mike is making slow, steady improvement,
00:17:45but some negative symptoms remain.
00:17:47His overall mood is good, but quiet.
00:17:52He spends a lot of his leisure time in the TV lounge,
00:17:56but does not socialize much with co-patients.
00:17:59He usually maintains a quiet demeanor about the ward.
00:18:05Yep, I just got the floor.
00:18:12OK, guys. Come on, Hort.
00:18:18Here's the deal. I think my knee can take it.
00:18:21I'm going to bowl today. What do you think, Mike?
00:18:23Will you help me?
00:18:24Well, I don't know if I can help you, but I hope you'll do fine.
00:18:27Fabiano, you're going to beat your best scorer today?
00:18:30That's the goal. 110. 110?
00:18:42He's always struggled with the social aspect of the hospital,
00:18:46so he seems to do better with staff.
00:18:50To hang around with his peers,
00:18:52I don't think he's ever been very good at that.
00:18:58He has become quite sensitive in social situations.
00:19:04He, for example, has turned down the opportunity
00:19:08to go into the community on his own,
00:19:11even though he's probably well enough to do that.
00:19:16He's got a good sense of humour.
00:19:18He's got a good sense of humour.
00:19:20He's got a good sense of humour.
00:19:22He's got a good sense of humour.
00:19:24He's probably well enough to do that.
00:19:32By being sensitive to people around him,
00:19:36that they may know what he did 10 years or so ago.
00:19:40So that type of hypersensitivity, hypervigilance,
00:19:44is what's been bothering him.
00:19:55The next person we're going to conference today is Carol.
00:20:05Carol is a 39-year-old female.
00:20:12Carol was found NCR on account of mental disorder
00:20:16on two charges of assaulting a police officer
00:20:19and assaulting a family member.
00:20:21Carol was found NCR on two charges of assaulting a police officer
00:20:26and four charges of assault on September 20, 2010.
00:20:37Carol has been estranged from her family.
00:20:40There are no next of kin noted in her clinical chart.
00:20:44She became a ward of the Children's Aid Society
00:20:47at the age of 11 years.
00:20:51You've got to get up early.
00:20:53Get showered.
00:20:55Have to look appropriate for your job, you know.
00:20:58Dress in your best.
00:21:02From what I understand from her past, she would become very upset.
00:21:05She'd run into traffic.
00:21:08She was admitted to the hospital.
00:21:10She was discharged back to her apartment.
00:21:13An ACT team worker came to visit.
00:21:16She didn't want the ACT team worker to leave.
00:21:19She threatened to commit suicide, is my understanding.
00:21:22And as the ACT team worker was leaving, she jumped off a balcony.
00:21:29And that's how she got a lot of the orthopedic injuries
00:21:33that you see when she walks.
00:21:38The stickers are for good behaviour.
00:21:41And it tells you that if you get 14 stickers in a row,
00:21:45without missing one, you get the order out
00:21:48or you can save your money for whatever you wish to buy.
00:21:53And if you don't, if you miss one,
00:21:56it's tickable here, so I don't get one.
00:21:59But here, I had a perfect month,
00:22:02and over here, I had a perfect month.
00:22:07So that's a little bit out of all of them.
00:22:10This is April, that's May.
00:22:13So when you say bad behaviour, what do you mean by that?
00:22:16Yelling at staff or refusing to take my pills
00:22:20or refusing to go to my room when I'm upset
00:22:24or getting into a fight with people,
00:22:27getting into an argument, I don't get a sticker.
00:22:31And are you a bad girl often?
00:22:33Yeah.
00:22:35It's hard for me to get a whole month of stickers.
00:22:40Bad behaviour gets me in trouble.
00:22:43I find it hard to be good.
00:22:45You find it hard to be good?
00:22:47Yeah.
00:22:48And how are you doing so far this month?
00:22:51Well, I'm off to a rocky start.
00:22:56Can you give me a sense of how many of the patients here
00:23:00are capable of serious violence?
00:23:03Absolutely all of them.
00:23:05Every one?
00:23:06Every single one.
00:23:08Carol Segwin?
00:23:10Oh, yes.
00:23:11Oh, absolutely.
00:23:12Carol is one of those people that there is no question.
00:23:15Once she started to be a problem,
00:23:17you had to get out the five-point restraints
00:23:19because if she couldn't get at you to hurt you,
00:23:21she would start smashing her skull on the wall.
00:23:24And you know within a few minutes of locking her,
00:23:27she's going to start whacking her head off the toilet
00:23:30or usually the cement walls.
00:23:32You couldn't listen to that.
00:23:34It was just awful.
00:23:37Awful females.
00:23:38They're the worst.
00:23:39I'm sorry, they are.
00:23:40I didn't say that.
00:23:41Of course you didn't.
00:23:44I jumped on it.
00:23:55Women make the worst patients.
00:23:58Oh, absolutely.
00:23:59I agree completely.
00:24:01There is no explaining how or why.
00:24:03It's just that way.
00:24:06It's just that way.
00:24:12Fifty-nine patients here at the forensic treatment unit
00:24:15and about five female patients is quite a difference.
00:24:22The men tend to cause more violent crimes on the outside,
00:24:26in the outside world,
00:24:28and the women tend to cause more violence on the inside.
00:24:33I mean, I'm not used to wrestling with people.
00:24:35I never thought in my lifetime that I would be in this field
00:24:38while I'm wrestling with some female on the floor
00:24:40because she's just taken a swing at me
00:24:42or tried to kick me in the stomach or did kick me,
00:24:45and now we're into a whole different ball of wax.
00:24:48I've wrestled with probably more women here
00:24:50than I ever will with men.
00:24:55I do believe that some of it can be attributed to their illness.
00:25:01They're extremely vulnerable.
00:25:04I don't know, Angela, but I don't know if it's fixed.
00:25:09Historically, women coming in have some sort of mood disorder,
00:25:13so they're bipolar or they're schizoaffective,
00:25:16which is all related to mood fluctuations.
00:25:20So yeah, something that simple causes chaos on the unit.
00:25:28Just another day in the neighborhood.
00:25:35BIRDS CHIRP
00:25:51How are you doing? Hi, Mike.
00:25:53How are you doing?
00:25:55Michael, haircut? Yeah.
00:25:57Looking good?
00:25:59How are you doing?
00:26:01Doing OK, yeah.
00:26:04Want to dip in? Go for it.
00:26:08When's the last time you had muscles, Michael?
00:26:10The last time I had muscles? Mm-hm.
00:26:13Jeez, I don't...
00:26:15I don't remember. Really?
00:26:18Two RCMP pulled up and asked us,
00:26:21is one of you Rebecca Stewart?
00:26:26I thought that Michael had killed himself
00:26:29because, again, that was always the concern.
00:26:33And he just said to call your dad.
00:26:36Dad picked up and said hello.
00:26:39I said hello. I said, what's going on?
00:26:41He said, something very bad has happened.
00:26:46And I said, Michael's killed himself.
00:26:48And he said, no, Michael has killed your mother.
00:26:52And then I was cut off guard.
00:26:56And I said no, and he said yes.
00:26:58And then I think I said no again.
00:27:00And I was worked up, so I asked if I could call him back in a few minutes,
00:27:04get off the phone and call him back.
00:27:06He said I could do so, and then we hung up.
00:27:08And then I was just sort of smashing the receiver,
00:27:11the phone receiver into the phone
00:27:14and kind of realised that I was in a public spot.
00:27:17So I went outside and just went for a little walk.
00:27:21And that was it.
00:27:28That's always good.
00:27:30Either way, I'm happy.
00:27:44He apparently arrived at his parents' home in the early afternoon
00:27:48and waited in the house until his mother, the victim,
00:27:52arrived in the morning.
00:27:54He arrived in the early afternoon and waited in the house
00:27:57until his mother, the victim,
00:27:59arrived home between 3.30 and 3.45pm.
00:28:05He was reported to have confronted his mother
00:28:08and that an altercation developed between the two.
00:28:12She eventually died from severe blunt trauma to the head.
00:28:25She was a nurse who loved her profession
00:28:32and a community member who loved her community
00:28:37and a mother who loved her family.
00:28:41Good morning. Here we are in Tommy Donoghue's farm up in Douglas, Ontario.
00:28:45As you can see, well, it's Friday morning,
00:28:48September the 7th, the year 2001,
00:28:51and the sun has just come up
00:28:53and you can see the mist through the rail fencing.
00:28:58We're going to go and see what's going on.
00:29:01We're going to go and see what's going on.
00:29:03We're going to go and see what's going on.
00:29:05We're going to go and see what's going on.
00:29:07You can see the rail fencing and, of course, the cattle.
00:29:12So, what a perfect day.
00:29:21Thank you for doing it.
00:29:38But you both look pretty pleased in that picture.
00:29:40Mm-hmm. It's a cute photo.
00:29:42It's June and me. We're going out somewhere
00:29:45because we're... June's...
00:29:48We're dressed for an evening out.
00:29:51Pretty loud outfit.
00:29:53Mom's for it.
00:29:54Yeah.
00:29:55Which is typical.
00:29:56Fairly standard, yeah.
00:29:57She was a fashionista in her own right, I think.
00:30:00She liked to dress up.
00:30:04I don't think I've ever seen that picture.
00:30:06It's beautiful.
00:30:08It's a photograph of Mom I've not seen before.
00:30:10It's a great picture.
00:30:13Looks pretty pensive.
00:30:22What had Mike's relationship with her been like before?
00:30:27She loved him very much, and he loved her very much, too.
00:30:31And I think that where he needed
00:30:33very occasional emotional support,
00:30:35he got it in spades from her.
00:30:40You know, a mother who, for years after Michael became sick,
00:30:44would cry herself to sleep at a concern for him,
00:30:49and he knew that when he was well enough to know that.
00:31:02What?
00:31:23What kind of thoughts are you having right now?
00:31:26That I want to kill myself.
00:31:30Okay.
00:31:31Carol, you know us.
00:31:34Yeah, I know you.
00:31:36And we know you.
00:31:37Yeah, I know.
00:31:39And we know that you're a good person, right?
00:31:41Right.
00:31:42Okay.
00:31:43And we're here to take care of you.
00:31:45Right.
00:31:46And we're here to keep you safe.
00:31:47I know that, but I don't feel loved.
00:31:50Well, we're going to keep you safe, okay?
00:31:53What we're going to do...
00:31:55Yeah.
00:31:56What I want to do is I'd like to help you with those thoughts,
00:31:59because you're having really bad thoughts right now.
00:32:01Yeah.
00:32:02And those thoughts right now are telling you
00:32:04that you're a bad person, that you've done things, okay?
00:32:07Right.
00:32:08Which you haven't, right?
00:32:09We're talking about them on the TV.
00:32:12But that's your delusional thinking, right?
00:32:16Right.
00:32:17Those are those thoughts that you have in your mind
00:32:19that you know aren't real,
00:32:20but that are so overwhelming to you
00:32:22that you can't deal with them.
00:32:24They're very, very frustrating and anxiety-provoking for you, right?
00:32:29Right.
00:32:30I feel people talking about my back and all that.
00:32:32Yeah.
00:32:33And saying that they hate me.
00:32:36Yeah.
00:32:37But people don't hate you here.
00:32:38You know, we've treated you well and that you've done well and that...
00:32:43I'm trying my best, but it's been like a month since I've...
00:32:47You know what, Carol?
00:32:49Carol?
00:32:50Carol?
00:32:51You're just having a bad day, right?
00:32:54Everybody's...
00:32:55Listen, everybody's allowed to have a bad day.
00:32:58It's okay.
00:32:59I know.
00:33:00But only one.
00:33:01Oh, no, it's okay.
00:33:03It's okay.
00:33:21Stuart is my last name.
00:33:23Mike is my first name.
00:33:26And my room is...
00:33:28Well, you see my room here.
00:33:30It's not in great order, but it's in order.
00:33:34Okay, you need to do a walkabout?
00:33:36I need to do a walkabout.
00:33:37Okay, let's go.
00:33:38Oh, there he is.
00:33:40All righty.
00:33:56I have this thing here.
00:33:58It's my privacy...
00:34:00My privacy curtain.
00:34:03It's mainly be used at night time because they can walk by.
00:34:08If you're in bed, that's great, you know?
00:34:10But at any time, any passing person can take a peek in,
00:34:14so you just have to understand that the privacy is pretty good,
00:34:19but just, you know, be decent.
00:34:39Moorefield, Canada
00:35:00What we're supposed to do now is mark down on here
00:35:03what each individual was doing where they were
00:35:05they were and what they were doing at that specific time.
00:35:28My impression is that the family is still somewhat fearful about him because of the
00:35:31past, and he has a history of violence against his parents, so it's not just the parents,
00:35:37there are siblings too, and I really don't think they'd want him at any point living
00:35:41back in their house.
00:35:44A lot of people want to be with their family and you don't want to hear that they don't
00:35:48want you back or they're fearful of you.
00:35:50On the street I have friends, you know, a friend, you know what I mean, I just miss that.
00:36:09Nobody, like, nobody talks to me, the staff doesn't talk to me, the patients don't talk
00:36:13to me, nobody talks to me, you know, why are these people talking to me?
00:36:20And I don't know, I just don't know what to do, you know, I go and talk to them then,
00:36:26you know.
00:36:27You know, you want to have a coffee, you want to, you know, this and that, go for a coffee
00:36:30in the community, or you want to go for a smoke or something.
00:36:44Before, like, I'd have this friend here and we would always talk and go for a smoke and
00:36:48I'd lend him money and we'd walk around and we'd go to the benches and smoke.
00:36:53And lately he hasn't been coming out and talking to me.
00:36:58Greg, where you going, Greg?
00:37:06So you want to stand out here and talk to me a bit or are you going to go in there?
00:37:13You can't go in there, man.
00:37:18He would always tell me, ever since I got here, you're my best friend, you're my best
00:37:21friend, and now I don't know what to do, you know, like, I'm worried, like, he never comes
00:37:25and sits down, has a smoke and talks to me no more.
00:37:32But other people I talk to then, you talk to, like, I talk to them for a little bit,
00:37:35then all of a sudden they start staying alone, right?
00:37:38I want to get a necklace too, I just got to buy a necklace.
00:37:42I got a watch.
00:37:44Okay.
00:37:47What am I supposed to do? I don't know.
00:37:51Later, man.
00:38:02I was a little bit depressed at first, but when I started going to the gym I felt better
00:38:06because, you know, it made me feel better about myself.
00:38:13So, I guess that was a big help, or it is a big help still going now, so.
00:38:17Okay.
00:38:31Oh, give me a home.
00:38:34Yeah.
00:38:35Where the deer and the antelope roam.
00:38:39Where seldom is heard a discouraging word.
00:38:44The sky is not cloudy all day.
00:38:48Oh, give me a home.
00:38:52Where the deer and the antelope play.
00:38:56Where seldom is heard a discouraging word.
00:39:00The sky is not cloudy all day.
00:39:04I'm not allowed to give you any, right?
00:39:06I'm not allowed to give you any, okay?
00:39:08I can't concentrate on the TV.
00:39:10I can't concentrate on the TV when that is blaring.
00:39:13It's hard for me.
00:39:14Do you have to come down and talk about it?
00:39:16Yes, and he turns it back up when the staff leaves.
00:39:19That's not fair.
00:39:20Okay.
00:39:21If we don't deal with the situation the way that she feels we should,
00:39:26it gets ramped up to the next degree.
00:39:28It's not fair.
00:39:29It's not fair.
00:39:30It's not fair.
00:39:31It's not fair.
00:39:32It's not fair.
00:39:33It's not fair.
00:39:34It's not fair.
00:39:35It's not fair.
00:39:36It gets ramped up to the next degree.
00:39:38I know, but I'm not, am I doing something wrong?
00:39:41No.
00:39:42Get those chiggers the fuck out of here, I mean.
00:39:44Put that shit and get over there.
00:39:46I don't, I don't, I don't like to tell you.
00:39:48That's what he said this morning, too.
00:39:50So just stay away from them for now and then we'll see how it goes.
00:39:52Well, do not come near me.
00:39:53It makes me cry for it.
00:39:55I'm a grown man for it, you know?
00:39:57A grown fucking man.
00:39:59You know?
00:40:00A fucking man.
00:40:01What was, what was going on?
00:40:04Dr. Gray and Sherry came to talk to us about Al
00:40:07because he's upset that there's females on the unit.
00:40:10Those girls are sick.
00:40:12Somebody is a fucking problem.
00:40:14I don't want a fucking problem.
00:40:15You know?
00:40:16I have my own fucking problems.
00:40:17Al, if I talk to them and keep talking to them to stay away from you,
00:40:21can you guarantee me you're not going to hit one of them?
00:40:23I didn't hit them.
00:40:24No, I know you didn't.
00:40:25No, you didn't.
00:40:26You didn't hit them.
00:40:27You didn't, you did really well,
00:40:28but I don't want to see you hit one of them.
00:40:34She's very attention-seeking, very, if she doesn't get the attention she wants,
00:40:39she can be very self-abusive.
00:40:43Hey, Nancy.
00:40:44Yeah?
00:40:45These have been in for a week.
00:40:47Do you think you can take them out?
00:40:49Which one's that one?
00:40:51These ones.
00:40:52They've been in for eight days.
00:40:54They're only supposed to be in for a week.
00:40:56They're only supposed to be in for a week.
00:41:00Sometimes I do things to get in an adrenaline rush,
00:41:06like cut myself.
00:41:10Well, frankly, we're quite concerned about her
00:41:14and her recent self-harm attempts.
00:41:19She would come to us and say she really doesn't feel well,
00:41:22or ask her, in what way you don't feel well.
00:41:25She feels like cutting herself.
00:41:27She's told us she craves this, it's like an addiction,
00:41:30and she just has to satisfy this.
00:41:33And she'll keep wanting to do it until she actually does it.
00:41:38And then we've had four different cutting episodes,
00:41:43quite deep gashes on her arm.
00:41:46Boy, you sure hurt yourself, eh?
00:41:50I didn't do it as deep this time.
00:41:53That one was a bad one.
00:41:55Wow.
00:41:57Lots of stitches there.
00:41:59So deep, in fact, that it's way below the skin layer
00:42:03and below the fat layer and down to the muscle layer.
00:42:08And is that serious, serious?
00:42:10Is that a serious attempt?
00:42:12I mean, some people I know...
00:42:13I just hurt myself.
00:42:15And why do you think you do that?
00:42:19Feels good sometimes.
00:42:22I have borderline personality disorder and hypochondriac.
00:42:26I don't know what the proper term is for it.
00:42:29What is borderline personality disorder exactly?
00:42:32It's behavioral difficulties.
00:42:35They take a lot of risks and stuff like that.
00:42:42Now some people say that every branch of medicine
00:42:46has its fatal disease, and for psychiatry,
00:42:49some people figure that borderline personality
00:42:51is the fatal disease.
00:42:53What does that mean?
00:42:55Untreatable.
00:42:56I lit fire downstairs because I was mad at a staff,
00:43:03so that was pretty impulsive.
00:43:06I lit fire to my pillow.
00:43:11Please come to the med room for your meds.
00:43:14Meds at the medicine room.
00:43:18Step right up, sir.
00:43:27Oh, there's Catherine.
00:43:29Can I give you a Catherine?
00:43:33Generally there will be four times a day
00:43:37they will dispense medication.
00:43:40One of the things I take is Clozapine,
00:43:44and it's an antipsychotic.
00:43:47If I stop taking it, there's a very good chance
00:43:51that some of the big problems that I used to have
00:43:55coping with my illness could very well return.
00:43:59He just woke up.
00:44:02And they tell me that each relapse you suffer
00:44:06does additional damage to your brain.
00:44:15The thing about medications is we have a legal right to refuse.
00:44:21If you decide the medication isn't working for you
00:44:25or that it's harming you perhaps,
00:44:29you are legally entitled to do that.
00:44:33Also, there are people that will take the pills
00:44:37and just keep them under their tongue.
00:44:41They swallow the water and then they'll turn and spit the pills away.
00:44:49If patients are refusing medication
00:44:52and they start to decline in their functioning and in their wellness,
00:44:58then some of the older methods of coping with mental patients
00:45:02comes into play.
00:45:09Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o
00:45:13And on that farm he had a pig, ee-i-ee-i-o
00:45:17With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there
00:45:20Here an oink-oink there
00:45:22And on that farm he had a pig, ee-i-ee-i-o
00:45:26Here an oink-oink there
00:45:28And on that farm he had a pig, ee-i-ee-i-o
00:45:33I remember when she came here in 2005, she was like a wild animal.
00:45:49And she was in five-point restraints
00:45:52because she was so wild and out of control.
00:45:57And in two years she was stabilized
00:46:00and she was the best that we could possibly do with her.
00:46:04Her risk was low enough to get her back out in the community.
00:46:07And we had high hopes for her.
00:46:15I'll tell you, I've seen Carol at her best
00:46:18and if she's encouraged, it's very encouraging for me
00:46:21and the other staff to see how she does.
00:46:26Hi, Carol. Hi.
00:46:30She can be kind.
00:46:33She can come up and give you compliments.
00:46:39But on the flip side of that,
00:46:41ten minutes later she'll come up and call you a cocksucker
00:46:44and say she hopes that your kids die
00:46:47and she hopes that, you know, you crash her car on the way home.
00:46:56I remember one morning she came up to me.
00:46:59It was about 5 o'clock in the morning
00:47:02and she called me a cocksucker and hated me
00:47:05and she was kicking at the door and punching at the door
00:47:08and as she walked away she said,
00:47:10you raped me, you raped me,
00:47:13you came into my room at night and raped me.
00:47:19So I reported that, documented it,
00:47:22and I thought that it might not go any further than that
00:47:25but it did.
00:47:27She talked to Dr. James and it was investigated further.
00:47:34What I heard is you went running down the hallways
00:47:37yelling rape, rape, he raped me.
00:47:39I said that? That's what I heard.
00:47:42Mm-hmm.
00:47:44You know, it has to be investigated
00:47:46because these people are vulnerable
00:47:48and things like that sometimes do happen
00:47:51and they've happened in the past.
00:47:54Well, that's what I had heard
00:47:56and with the way things are in society,
00:48:00it can really put staff, especially male staff,
00:48:04in a really difficult position.
00:48:06No, I never said that.
00:48:08I think you heard wrong.
00:48:10Maybe I said something different but I didn't say that.
00:48:13Well, I'll look back in the chart as well but that's what I heard.
00:48:16Or you could have heard somebody else's voice.
00:48:18It sounded like me. I don't know.
00:48:20I never said he raped me.
00:48:22Okay.
00:48:23Never. I spread it out.
00:48:25You've got to stick your hand on it.
00:48:27Okay.
00:48:29Okay.
00:48:49Do you ever come down here aside from visits, Mike?
00:48:55Um, not really.
00:49:00What's going on?
00:49:02Following this attack on the mother,
00:49:05Mr. Stewart then called 911 at about 4.05 p.m.
00:49:19He was found in the house when the police arrived.
00:49:22He was then arrested, escorted out of the house
00:49:26and transported to the Renfrew OPP office.
00:49:31He remains reluctant to discuss this in detail
00:49:35as he reports that he finds the whole incident
00:49:38difficult to discuss at this time.
00:49:41Do you ever talk with family about what happened?
00:49:47We talk about other things.
00:49:50Yeah, it's the hypersensitivity to social situations.
00:49:54So he stays with staff.
00:49:56He's worried about going into the community
00:49:59because he thinks people know who he is and what happened.
00:50:03How do we get him past that?
00:50:05How do we get him...
00:50:07Who do we have in our team that can get him?
00:50:11I don't think he wants to talk about it.
00:50:13I mean, you've got to be...
00:50:15I don't want to stir up something that's, you know,
00:50:17that's not going to...
00:50:19I mean, I think for the moment it's...
00:50:21Just let's leave it and see where he goes with it.
00:50:26We're going.
00:50:28OK?
00:50:29OK, I'm ready to make a confession.
00:50:33And that confession is that I...
00:50:37I kind of lied when I said that I didn't...
00:50:41that Margaret, that I didn't say...
00:50:44that Margaret, that Margaret raped me
00:50:46because I did say that Margaret raped me
00:50:50but I didn't remember having had said that.
00:50:56Did Mr Earl ever touch you inappropriately or rape you?
00:51:00No.
00:51:02It was all in my mind. It was voices.
00:51:12I do believe that the female patients here do cause more turmoil.
00:51:17They can be quite aggressive in their acting out.
00:51:22Banging on walls, actually putting holes in walls too.
00:51:25It's incredible to imagine that a female patient could do that
00:51:29but it really does happen.
00:51:31Who did that?
00:51:32That would be Carol.
00:51:34I used the palm of my...
00:51:37the ball of my hand to smuck right into the wall.
00:51:41And I went like that.
00:51:43With force.
00:51:45Until I punched a hole about that deep.
00:51:50And that went through the wall.
00:51:53And people were a little bit scared of me.
00:51:58This is hole number one.
00:52:03Hole number two.
00:52:06And hole number three.
00:52:09And hole number four.
00:52:12And did you injure yourself?
00:52:14No.
00:52:16Your hand didn't hurt after punching four holes?
00:52:18It stung a bit but I didn't hurt myself.
00:52:21I didn't cut myself or anything.
00:52:24But Carol, yeah, she's outstanding for putting holes through walls.
00:52:28We don't quite know how she had the strength to do it
00:52:31but somehow she did.
00:52:33Have you ever seriously injured anybody?
00:52:36Not seriously, no.
00:52:38What's the worst that you've done in your life?
00:52:40It gives them a black eye.
00:52:42That's the worst physical injury you've inflicted on anybody?
00:52:45Yes.
00:52:47Absolutely.
00:52:51Oh, they're cans? I ordered bottles.
00:52:55I ordered bottles.
00:52:59I ordered bottles.
00:53:01She was the most challenging patient, by far,
00:53:05considered by all the staff.
00:53:11LAUGHTER
00:53:17Me and Ashley Smith like to tie strings around her neck,
00:53:25mostly to probably catch the attention of staff.
00:53:34We were also really concerned about a recent incident
00:53:39where she'd torn up a face cloth and tied it together
00:53:44to make herself a ligature,
00:53:47tied it tightly around her neck
00:53:50and tried to strangle herself.
00:53:54When staff found her on the floor in the shower room,
00:53:58she was blue
00:54:01and not responding to us, to our verbal commands.
00:54:06So we called the code blue, as we call it here in the hospital,
00:54:10and staff ran and we brought a noose cutter to that area
00:54:15and they used it to cut the ligature off her neck.
00:54:21After that was removed, the colour started to return to her face
00:54:26and she started to respond.
00:54:29So we just thought it was a close call
00:54:32and then we're always watching for the next time.
00:54:37It was mostly because when you tie a string around your neck,
00:54:41you get really dizzy
00:54:44and the feeling of being passed out feels good.
00:54:50It's almost like a high.
00:54:55And that's what I was looking for,
00:54:57that feeling that you get when you almost die.
00:55:02I like that feeling.
00:55:07We did save her life. We did save her life.
00:55:14We know that it's all a matter of time
00:55:17with these strangulation attempts and so on.
00:55:20Sometimes it's just a matter of time if we save them or not.
00:55:27MUSIC
00:55:58BELL RINGS
00:56:10You're the fastest smoker I've ever seen in my life.
00:56:13Well, I saw one man trolleying a lot faster than me,
00:56:16John, one of my friends.
00:56:18He used to smoke like that.
00:56:22At least you don't waste a cigarette that way.
00:56:46How did it start with you and Sal?
00:56:50I was attracted to him at first,
00:56:53that he was a good-looking, handsome guy
00:56:56and that he was a gentleman.
00:56:59I didn't know him very well, but he would go like that,
00:57:04put my hair over my ear like that,
00:57:10he'd go like that, mess up my hair.
00:57:14And then he'd say, if I wanted to go with him.
00:57:27What about girls?
00:57:28You had a relationship with a young lady here?
00:57:31I have to have a relationship with her.
00:57:34That's Carol. Carol.
00:57:37It's an open secret that there is sexual activity
00:57:41between some of the patients
00:57:43and the patients are not allowed in each other's rooms.
00:57:47No.
00:57:48So where does this activity happen?
00:57:52We both have the same reaction.
00:57:55Everywhere else.
00:57:56Everywhere and anywhere and unbeknownst to us,
00:57:58we try not to catch them.
00:58:00We can't allow it on the ward.
00:58:04When's your birthday?
00:58:05November.
00:58:06November?
00:58:07Yeah.
00:58:08Shaved your head.
00:58:09Yeah, you like it?
00:58:10Yeah, it looks good.
00:58:12Now, we don't encourage it,
00:58:14but we realize it's going to happen.
00:58:16I mean, once people have access to the community
00:58:19and have freedom, or even freedom to go on the grounds
00:58:22indirectly supervised, you know, there's lots of opportunities
00:58:25for some kind of sexual engagement.
00:58:27Well, are they behind a hedge or something?
00:58:30In the middle of the lawn?
00:58:31Behind a hedge is considered discreet.
00:58:36Oh, yeah.
00:58:37We've had patients do it on the ward
00:58:38that we didn't know about until the bed broke.
00:58:42Oh, it just took a lot of, like, bang.
00:58:44Uh-oh.
00:58:52Sun's shining today.
00:58:55My baby's looking at me.
00:58:59And I'm looking at him right now.
00:59:03Making him smile.
00:59:06Making him laugh and giggle.
00:59:09Just like a jigsaw puzzle.
00:59:13This song I made up.
00:59:15So don't get me wrong.
00:59:17I know my own song.
00:59:19If you know what I mean, you're the one for me.
00:59:23Oh, yeah, for sure.
00:59:25He knows who I'm talking about.
00:59:28Hehehe.
00:59:35Yeah, music is a wonderful thing.
00:59:39You know, it's just a form of expression.
00:59:42There he is, I'm going in, it's too cold.
00:59:46It's not unusual in schizophrenia
00:59:48for people to have ambivalence.
00:59:52So what happens, people have a certain level of comfort,
00:59:55they're willing to do something,
00:59:57and then they become ambivalent and they withdraw again.
01:00:02We were talking, Mike, about, you know, not right now,
01:00:07but maybe in the future,
01:00:10We were talking, Mike, about, you know, not right now,
01:00:15but looking down the road maybe in a few months or that,
01:00:18possible community placement options.
01:00:22Now, we're lucky with your disposition
01:00:24that we have all options open.
01:00:26You know, anywhere from group home
01:00:28to independent living to co-op.
01:00:31Is that something you'd be ready for
01:00:33in the next couple of months, do you think?
01:00:36Well, I don't...
01:00:40I'd just like to...
01:00:43Well, it's hard to say, I...
01:00:48How about, you know what, in a couple weeks,
01:00:52we go out and look at the co-ops?
01:00:54Couple weeks?
01:00:56Yeah, just look, not to move in, nothing like that.
01:00:59Or if you want, we could do it next month.
01:01:01I'll get a car.
01:01:03I just, I don't know why we're going so quick.
01:01:10There was another girl I wanted to be my girlfriend to, Justine.
01:01:14You know who Justine is?
01:01:16She wanted to be my girlfriend, too.
01:01:18You dated Sal for a while?
01:01:21Me?
01:01:22Uh, we didn't really date.
01:01:24We just kind of, it was just kind of a fling.
01:01:28Did Carol find out?
01:01:30No.
01:01:31No?
01:01:32No.
01:01:33No.
01:01:34No.
01:01:35No.
01:01:36No.
01:01:37No.
01:01:38Did Carol find out about it?
01:01:41I don't think so, no.
01:01:48I didn't get it at 11.
01:01:50I'm telling you, I didn't get it at 11.
01:01:53I don't want a girlfriend.
01:01:55It's just the girls ask me, they want to be my girlfriends.
01:01:58It's okay, but I didn't do anything lately, no.
01:02:02Yeah, I don't like her.
01:02:04You don't like her?
01:02:05No, do you?
01:02:06I like her.
01:02:07I don't know, I don't really care about her, but I used to,
01:02:09I like her a little bit, yeah.
01:02:11I used to buy coffees off her, a dollar a coffee.
01:02:13She used to give me cream, sugar, and coffee.
01:02:15Remember Judy punched Jess's feet in the head?
01:02:20Oh.
01:02:23Judy punched me in the head three times,
01:02:26and then she got put upstairs.
01:02:29Uh-huh, uh-huh.
01:02:33I did call the police on her when she punched me,
01:02:37and they said she's here for life,
01:02:39there's nothing really we can do.
01:02:42Uh-huh, uh-huh.
01:02:46It's like her, you know?
01:02:49She's a rat, baby.
01:02:54You're a good guy, and I like you.
01:02:58And you're one of the best boyfriends I've ever had.
01:03:05Want to go for a smoke?
01:03:07Yeah.
01:03:16It was Carol who was jealous because I was saying hi to Sal,
01:03:21and she's like, you know that's my boyfriend, right,
01:03:24and you need to keep your hands and your mouth
01:03:26and your face away from him, or I'll punch you.
01:03:30Oh, okay.
01:03:32Didn't know you owned him.
01:03:34Can I have a kiss?
01:03:39Oh, it's still on my arm.
01:03:47And if I understand, you were worried about going home,
01:03:50you felt sort of sensitive,
01:03:52so you made a choice not to go home this Christmas,
01:03:54is that right?
01:03:56Yeah, that's pretty much it.
01:03:59Okay.
01:04:00The visit, I'm just, it would be troublesome
01:04:06and somewhat like I just...
01:04:13I think he suffers every day from the loss of his life,
01:04:20the life that he could have had.
01:04:24He doesn't speak of it much,
01:04:27but he has spoken of it from time to time.
01:04:32And I think that's what he's been through.
01:04:37But he has spoken of it from time to time.
01:04:42So I've made strides, but I want to make it
01:04:45so I can like hold down,
01:04:49start with hold down some kind of a job
01:04:52and then see if I can try to salvage something here of my life
01:04:59because I'm a little old for college or university.
01:05:06How old are you?
01:05:07I'm 33 years old.
01:05:09So that leaves me with another option, right?
01:05:12I can get work.
01:05:14Now, I think for someone with my limited qualifications,
01:05:20it might have to be in something like retail to start.
01:05:28I know that it's there with him.
01:05:31He would like to have a life.
01:05:37Carol, you've been here quite a while.
01:05:40Yeah.
01:05:41And you get along well with the females that are on the unit,
01:05:44all the women?
01:05:45Well, sometimes I get jealous
01:05:47because there's one person, I don't know,
01:05:50who tried to steal my boyfriend.
01:05:53I was ready to push her down the stairs.
01:05:57Oh, dear.
01:05:58Okay.
01:05:59That's quite extreme, isn't it?
01:06:04That's quite extreme, isn't it?
01:06:06Yeah.
01:06:07Yeah.
01:06:10And that person said, what's your problem?
01:06:14I went like that and I almost punched her
01:06:17and she got up and tried to punch me.
01:06:20She slipped the table and got me right in the midst of it.
01:06:24Oh, okay.
01:06:26And that's why that table is kind of wobbly,
01:06:29you know what I mean?
01:06:30Yeah.
01:06:31Is this harder for a woman here?
01:06:34Yes, it's much harder for a woman.
01:06:37Why is that?
01:06:38Because there's so many guys who are on hormones and racing.
01:06:42Mm-hmm.
01:06:46Whenever I'm close to my due date for my injection,
01:06:49my hormones have already gotten injected.
01:06:52Mm-hmm.
01:06:53Yeah, yeah.
01:06:55So, in general, you got along well with all the females?
01:07:00Except for one.
01:07:02Yeah, yeah.
01:07:14One day he just said, I'm ready and I want to go into the community,
01:07:18and that then gave us the reason to go ahead.
01:07:25I have recently got the privilege where I can go into the community unescorted,
01:07:31but I have to fill out an itinerary.
01:07:33There you go.
01:07:34Okay, thank you.
01:07:36Detailing where I'm going, what streets I'm taking,
01:07:42and the different times I'll be at the different landmarks.
01:07:47It's supposed to be down, almost down to the minute.
01:07:51Here you go, bud.
01:07:52Okay, thanks, Bob.
01:07:53Bye-bye.
01:08:17He doesn't have to have any supervision, doesn't have to report to anyone,
01:08:20doesn't have to maintain his medication, doesn't have to, free as you or I.
01:08:28And what do you think of that?
01:08:29Well, I'm speaking of Michael now when I say that I don't think he should ever have an absolute discharge.
01:08:39I think he should have lots and lots of liberty, but almost all sufferers go off their medication.
01:08:47He gets ill quite quickly.
01:08:51So in his case at least, I don't think that an absolute discharge should ever be available to him.
01:09:18The female patients here, all of them just want to be an ordinary woman.
01:09:29They still want to get married and have children and have a house.
01:09:35They have the same dreams and aspirations, and for some reason they're all of a sudden put into this position
01:09:43where everything stops, their whole life and their dreams change.
01:09:53Well, I have two girls, one's nine and one's seven, Jasmine and Angelique.
01:09:58I had them when I was younger, and I was in an abusive relationship, so they took my kids from me.
01:10:04And you had a third child.
01:10:06Yes, but he died of Zellwegner's.
01:10:09Yes, but he died of Zellwegner's, but that's a different father.
01:10:18I had a cross that had Alex's ashes in it, and it was a necklace, and it was always kept close to my heart
01:10:27so that he would always be with me.
01:10:31I would show it to you, but I got into a fight the other day,
01:10:37and she just ripped it off my neck and said,
01:10:39There, bitch, now you can suffer.
01:10:59This is my favorite brother.
01:11:02His name is Sam.
01:11:04Sam.
01:11:09I named him that.
01:11:13So I always wanted a boy, and my boy died at birth.
01:11:21So I thought if they gave me a large teddy bear, that maybe it would take the pain away.
01:11:29So he's been, even though he's not real, he's still helped me.
01:11:36I still snuggle up and hold him and hug him and kiss him like he was an actual boy.
01:11:42It's like the Pinocchios, where the boy becomes real.
01:11:46The wooden doll becomes a real little boy because he learns to stop lying.
01:11:59And the boy that had Pinocchio was like a doll friend.
01:12:08Always believed that he was real.
01:12:11And he did become real in the end, but I don't know, he'll never become real.
01:12:19He's still my baby.
01:12:28Oh.
01:12:58People suffering from schizophrenia and major depression with psychosis kill family members.
01:13:29Once they recover, they then realize that they've done this terrible, terrible thing.
01:13:40He still hasn't forgiven himself.
01:13:44I mean, I see him every week or two.
01:13:46I struggle with, he knows intellectually that he was mentally ill at the time.
01:13:54He has never, ever forgiven himself.
01:13:59It compounds his sorrow when he knows that we've lost our mom at his hands as well.
01:14:14One can only imagine the horror that he experiences in those moments when he allows himself to recall that day.
01:14:28And I don't know what would be worse, whether the days when he's perfectly lucid are more painful for him to endure,
01:14:36or the days when he's not well.
01:14:40But I can only imagine that it's a living hell.
01:14:46Every single day, and some days are worse than others.
01:14:51Let me just ask you before we continue, are you okay?
01:14:55Um, I think I'm fine, yeah.
01:14:57Okay, you'll say so. If you need to stop, if you want to stop it, it's okay. It's cool, man.
01:15:03Okay.
01:15:04Okay?
01:15:05Okay.
01:15:06Okay, this is amazing. I didn't expect you to go this far.
01:15:09So, if it's troubling to you, if it's upsetting to you, you can say that's enough for today type of thing.
01:15:16Okay.
01:15:17We can proceed.
01:15:18Okay, alright.
01:15:27Um, it was foggy in the beginning.
01:15:32Um, I, uh, I had trouble accepting my, uh, my, uh, my, uh, my, uh, my, uh, my, uh, my, uh,
01:15:46diagnosis.
01:15:48And, uh, I, there was a time when, uh, I, I had, things were all well with basically anyone that I knew.
01:16:06I, I didn't really have enemies.
01:16:08And then, um, I never really, so I didn't have any enemies.
01:16:15So why, why would I, why would I do something like this to someone that, that, uh, I, it's, it's, it's, uh.
01:16:38Like, right after, like the, we're talking days, I was, I was calling them and asking for forgiveness days.
01:16:51Like, it would be weird because like, um, I would, if I, if I was feeling particularly bad, I would call my dad or my sister or something like that.
01:17:04And, uh, and I would say, I would just say, oh, I'm feeling horrible.
01:17:08There'd be no, there'd be no, there'd be no line, like, uh, sense to the conversation.
01:17:15It'd be just me saying, I'm sorry, you know, you.
01:17:19Forgiveness, forgiveness and trust are such slow, um, things to earn that, uh, it's like, uh, I, I want it, like I was, I wanted to make sure, like, I just wanted to call them and make sure that they would, uh.
01:17:45Well, I was, I was fearful that that would be abandoned, you know, so.
01:17:54You all love and support Michael?
01:17:58Unreservedly.
01:18:01Definitely.
01:18:03Definitely.
01:18:09But, but, and now it's turned to the fact that, that I've come to realize that, uh, my immediate family are, are my, uh, they're, for, for some unknown reason, they've stuck by me, so.
01:18:28The question of how we could forgive, um, someone like Michael is a, is a, is a classic example of blaming the victim.
01:18:40Seems like such an obvious analogy, but you don't forgive someone for contracting their cancer.
01:18:49Mom, unfortunately, lost her life, um, but it's important to, to keep in mind that, that there are two victims in this story, and one of them happens to still be suffering.
01:19:01Um, um, Michael survived the, um, the, the terrible event, um, but he, he continues to suffer.
01:19:09It seemed like the, the, the positive memories and the negative memories both caused me pain, because look, look what I, look what I have done.
01:19:22I, I've impacted so many, like, I've impacted so many people.
01:19:31I've impacted so many, like, I've impacted this network of people.
01:19:41I think that with the loss of a loved one, with an act of unthinkable violence such as this,
01:19:52our instinct is to look for the fault, look for the cause of it.
01:19:58But we make a terrible mistake to think that that cause rests with Michael himself.
01:20:05The cause of this tragedy is a mental disease.
01:20:09It's a mistake to say that Michael was himself her killer.
01:20:13I mean, her killer was schizophrenia.
01:20:15The cause of her death was this disease.
01:20:19I'm not able to grieve the way I'd like to.
01:20:24I have some grief, but it's not a feel-good grief, which I imagine,
01:20:44because from what I know, some people grieve loved ones with fond memories, whereas I'm not.
01:21:05I'll just say this.
01:21:09It's like if I grieve, there are odd moments that contradict this.
01:21:18Or not odd, but spare, occasional moments that contradict this.
01:21:22But for the most part, I grieve alone.
01:21:38♪♪
01:22:05♪♪
01:22:15I'm not in Brockville Mental Health Center anymore,
01:22:18and being out of a hospital and being out of an institution
01:22:25when you've been institutionalized is actually pretty difficult
01:22:29because you're always used to having somebody around.
01:22:32So when you're alone, you're like, where is everybody?
01:22:42Well, there's lots of upsides.
01:22:45There's friends, family, being free.
01:22:50You know, I can have a drink if I want.
01:22:52I can smoke a joint.
01:22:55I can do what I want.
01:23:03I know.
01:23:09Carol, I understand you have a big surprise for us today.
01:23:13Yeah, well, I got new teeth, tops and bottoms.
01:23:19Wow, wow.
01:23:22That looks really great.
01:23:25Congratulations.
01:23:27I feel like a million bucks.
01:23:30I feel like a million bucks.
01:23:34Okay, I'm going to take the medicine.
01:23:46This is what I can't believe the teeth you have.
01:23:50Wow.
01:23:53Okay, very good.
01:23:55Have people noticed?
01:23:57Well, everyone's noticed.
01:24:00What are they saying to you?
01:24:02They're saying I look great.
01:24:07There's your little tiny little white pill.
01:24:10You take that out of my hand?
01:24:12Thanks.
01:24:14You're blushing because I'm cute?
01:24:17Oh.
01:24:20Don't stir that in here.
01:24:23I never stop.
01:24:25White pill.
01:24:27What's a white pill?
01:24:38I guess the bottom line is I'm out of the hospital.
01:24:41So I'm quite happy that I've got this far.
01:24:47This is my apartment.
01:24:51I'm here with another guy and I'm still getting used to it,
01:24:59but that's where I'm standing now.
01:25:02From two or three days after I got here,
01:25:05I'm happy I made the step.
01:25:21So you've made initial strides to get out here in the community
01:25:27and make a life here in Brockville.
01:25:30For sure.
01:25:32I try to keep busy.
01:25:35Well, your diagnosis is schizophrenia.
01:25:40Or just plain nuts.
01:25:42No, no.
01:25:45Now that I'm here, it's like at some point
01:25:49I'm starting to get optimistic about maybe at one point
01:25:56making further steps.
01:26:00But the idea is to kind of take it somewhat slowly.
01:26:06What medication do you take?
01:26:10Yeah, I take twice a day I take medication, right?
01:26:14Yeah, and you find it helps?
01:26:16Oh yeah.
01:26:18Yeah?
01:26:19Yeah, definitely.
01:26:20Otherwise you'd be pretty goofy, I think.
01:26:24Right.
01:26:25Yeah, yeah, that's true.
01:26:27Yeah.
01:26:57Yeah.
01:26:58Yeah.
01:26:59Yeah.
01:27:00Yeah.
01:27:28Yeah.
01:27:29Yeah.
01:27:30Yeah.
01:27:31Yeah.
01:27:32Yeah.
01:27:33Yeah.
01:27:34Yeah.
01:27:35Yeah.
01:27:36Yeah.
01:27:37Yeah.
01:27:38Yeah.
01:27:39Yeah.
01:27:40Yeah.
01:27:41Yeah.
01:27:42Yeah.
01:27:43Yeah.
01:27:44Yeah.
01:27:45Yeah.
01:27:46Yeah.
01:27:47Yeah.
01:27:48Yeah.
01:27:49Yeah.
01:27:50Yeah.
01:27:51Yeah.
01:27:52Yeah.
01:27:53Yeah.
01:27:54Yeah.
01:27:55Yeah.
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