- 1 year ago
This is Maz Jobrani’s 7th standup comedy special filmed at the World Famous Comedy Store in Los Angeles. In “The Birds and the Bees” Maz covers how he became a regular at the Comedy Store under legendary owner Mitzi Shore. Jobrani also takes on politics, family, and of course, the birds & the bees! We hope you like, comment, and subscribe.
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00:00:00Comedy Store, it is my honor to present the one and only Mr. Maz Jabrani!
00:00:30Wow! Thank you! Oh my God! I'm gonna cry! Stop! Oh my God! You guys are so nice! How
00:00:53are you? Hello, Mayor Jimmy DelShock! Good to see you! How are you? Mayor of Beverly
00:00:58Hills, shut up, motherfuckers! That's right! I don't mess around! Thank you, sir! You guys,
00:01:06I'm so excited to be here, first of all. Thank you so much for all of you for coming out.
00:01:11I dressed in my Miami Vice outfit just for you guys. Don Johnson, look at me now! Hey!
00:01:22Oh my God! You guys, listen, I'm so excited because this comedy special is about 23 years
00:01:28in the making, okay? Yeah, I'll tell you what I mean by that. 23 years ago is when I first
00:01:35came to the Comedy Store and became a regular and became a comedian and disappointed my
00:01:41Iranian immigrant parents. Because they didn't want this shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:01:48Who else has immigrant parents here? Who's got immigrant parents? There we go, of course,
00:01:52of course. What's your background? You, yes. Egypt! And what do you do? Executive Director,
00:02:03you see what I'm saying? That's something to be proud about, okay? Her parents were
00:02:08proud of being Executive Director. I don't even know what she directs, but they're...
00:02:13I don't know, but good for you. Who else had immigrant parents? Immigrant, there you
00:02:17go. What's your... Well, who are your immigrant parents? Also Egyptian! Oh, shit! Clearly
00:02:24it's Egyptian night at the Comedy Store. And you're Egyptian as well? You look like an
00:02:30Egyptian me. Look at you. You bald, beautiful man. Look at you. Look at this. What a good
00:02:38looking Egyptian man over there. What's your name, Egyptian man? Mina, there you go. Oh,
00:02:43yeah, Mina. How are you, Mina? What do you do again? What do you do? Engineer. You see?
00:02:50I'm not even his parent. I'm proud of him. That's what they want, Mina. Not comedian.
00:02:59Mina, 23 years ago, I came to the Comedy Store. A lot of people don't know how you become
00:03:04a regular at the Comedy Store. The way it used to work, Mitzi Shore, who's the owner
00:03:08of the Comedy Store, she started the Comedy Store. She's now since passed away, but she
00:03:11was with us and she started this club 50 years ago. Give it up for Mitzi Shore, first of all.
00:03:20Now, Mina, the way you would become a regular at the Comedy Store, you used to have to go
00:03:24perform in front of Mitzi in the original room. It's the room next door to here. And
00:03:28you do three minutes in front of her. And if she liked you, she would get word back
00:03:32to you that she wants to see you do six minutes. She wouldn't tell you herself. It was like
00:03:36mafia shit, okay? I swear to God, you do your three and if they liked you, somebody
00:03:41in the hallway would be like, all right, come back for six. You'd be like, all right, I'll
00:03:44see you later. And if they liked the six, they'd go come back for ten. And then once
00:03:49you do the ten, she would sit in the back seat by the exit sign and she would watch
00:03:53you. And as you're walking off stage, if she liked you, she would let you know and she
00:03:57would make you a regular. Now, for me, this club, all the legendary comedians had gone
00:04:01through it. Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, my hero, Eddie Murphy. He'd been,
00:04:07oh my God. So, I did my three, I did my six, I did my ten. Now, I'm performing in front
00:04:13of Mitzi, of course, starting out. I'm talking about being Iranian. She realizes I'm Middle
00:04:18Eastern. So, I finish my set. I walk off the stage and I'm walking past her. And the whole
00:04:24time, you want her to grab your arm. If she grabs your arm, that means you're going to
00:04:27be a regular. If she lets you walk through, it's like, fuck you. Get out of here. Go be
00:04:32an engineer. No offense. No offense, Mina. Guys, it's about a 20-foot walk. It felt like
00:04:41ten miles. I'm walking by. I'm like, Mitzi, please grab my arm. Please grab my arm. I
00:04:48want to be like Eddie Murphy. Grab my arm. As I'm walking by, her hand comes out, grabs
00:04:53my arm. I go, oh my God, it's happening. And then she pulls me close. She goes, you're
00:04:58very funny. I go, thank you, Mitzi. That's how she would talk. And then she goes, I'm
00:05:02going to make you a regular. I go, thank you, Mitzi. Then she goes, have you ever thought
00:05:06about wearing the outfit? I go, what outfit? She goes, you know the outfit, the hat and
00:05:14the gown. I go, hat and gown? She goes, you know the hat and the gown. I realize, oh shit,
00:05:23she wants me to wear a turban and a dish-dasha on stage because I'm Middle Eastern. So I
00:05:33looked at her. I go, yeah, sure. That's a good idea. Why not? I sort of got, I walked
00:05:40into the hallway. I go, what did I just agree to do? This is bullshit. And for two weeks,
00:05:46I was finding ways to get out of the outfit. And I thought she would forget because she
00:05:49was getting older then. I thought maybe she would forget. On Monday, the booker at the
00:05:53club, her name was Corey, she called me up. She goes, Maz, congratulations. Mitzi told
00:05:57me you're a regular. I go, yes, I am. And she goes, she also told me you're going to
00:06:01wear the outfit. I go, shit. I go, Corey, what happens if I don't wear the outfit? She
00:06:06goes, well, you're not going to get as many spots. I go, okay, all right. So then I had
00:06:10to figure out how to get through this. So then I realized Mr. Delshad, Jimmy Delshad,
00:06:14I remembered. I found out that there was this Iranian guy who had been making fun of the
00:06:19mullahs in Iran, the turban, the leaders of Iran. And he would do it on Persian television.
00:06:25And so word had gotten back to their supporters, there was a guy making fun of them. So this
00:06:29guy was doing some kind of live performance in LA. And some of the supporters of the regime
00:06:34showed up. They threw a rock. And they hit him in an eye. They blinded him in one eye.
00:06:39Yeah, and when I heard that, I go, that's it. I called the club. I go, hey, listen,
00:06:46Corey, I've been looking for the outfit. I got my eyes on some turbans. But I just want
00:06:53you to know, I just found out that there was a guy who was wearing the outfit. And the
00:06:57supporters of the regime showed up. And they threw a rock and blinded him. So I could wear
00:07:01the outfit. But they might come to the club and go after me. And worse yet, they might
00:07:06blow up the club. And then Corey goes, ah, let me call you back. She called me five minutes
00:07:20later. She goes, Mitzi said wear something comfortable. You'll be fine. I got out of
00:07:33wearing the outfit. And now I'm Miami Vice. Look at this. Shit, man. Oh, my God. So the
00:07:40club turned 50 this year. I also turned 50 this year. I also. Thank you. Thank you. Thank
00:07:47you. I just want to point out, I said I turned 50. Not one of you was like, no way. So that's
00:07:52a little fucked up, people. When someone says they're 50, you're supposed to be like, you
00:07:58don't look a day over 49. But you guys were like, oh, you're going to die soon. Who's
00:08:04in their 50s here? Anybody in their 50s? Anybody else? There you go. Beautiful young lady.
00:08:08There you go. What's your name, sir? Blake. Blake. Yes. The white man. How are you, Blake?
00:08:15Blake, the white man. Blake, how old are you? How old are you? Fifty nine. You look great.
00:08:22You see how that worked? Couldn't you have done that to me, you assholes? He looks horrible,
00:08:30but I told him he looks great. I'm kidding. You do look great, Blake. Now, here's my question.
00:08:36You're 59. Did you get the shingle shot? Did you get the shingle shot? You did. Listen.
00:08:42This is what 50-year-olds talk about. I swear to God, Blake, I didn't even know what the
00:08:46shingle shot was. I swear to God. I was talking to some kid. The 20-year-olds have no idea,
00:08:51all right? I told the 20-year-old, I got the shingle shot. He said, shingles are on
00:08:54the roof, bro. I go, no, it's a real thing. I don't even know what it is. I swear to God,
00:09:02Blake, I still don't know what shingles is. I know as soon as I turned 50, they started
00:09:06running that commercial. Have you seen the commercial? It's the worst commercial ever.
00:09:10You're watching TV. He goes, are you 50 or older? I was like, why, yes, I am. He goes,
00:09:17you might get the shingles. Then they show this guy, he's bent over in pain. He's like,
00:09:24and the voiceover is like, you will not be able to do anything with your life. You will
00:09:27stay home. You can't see your family. Then it shows the guy's skin is burning. I don't
00:09:32even know what the fuck's happening. I go, you know what? I went right to the doctor.
00:09:35I go, give me the shingle shot. I don't even know what it is. Give me the shingle shot.
00:09:41I got the shingle shot and I got my fourth COVID shot. Did you guys, you got your fourth
00:09:45COVID? Of course. I forgot I was 50 until I was watching the news and they were like,
00:09:51you know, if you're 50 or older, you can now qualify for your second COVID booster. And
00:09:56I was watching, I go, wow, good for them. And I go, oh shit, good for me. I got my fourth
00:10:06COVID. I got all my shots and I still got Omicron. Who here got Omicron? Who got Omicron?
00:10:11There you go. You got Omicron. You got Omicron. When did you get it, sir? When did you get
00:10:15it? Did you get it recently or like back, like around the, when?
00:10:19January.
00:10:20January. There you go. What's your name, sir?
00:10:22Fred.
00:10:23Fred?
00:10:24Yes.
00:10:25Yes. You got an accent. Where's that accent from, Fred?
00:10:26Stockholm, Sweden.
00:10:27Stockholm, Sweden. Wow.
00:10:28Mr. Rob.
00:10:29I don't know what the fuck he just said back. All I learned is how to say, how are you?
00:10:40And then he's like, I was talking about party. I don't know what he said. I just was like,
00:10:44oh, whatever. Fred, good to see you. Do you live in Stockholm or you live in LA? You're
00:10:49just visiting?
00:10:50Yeah.
00:10:51Fantastic. And he still has his sunglasses because the sun doesn't set till late in Stockholm.
00:10:57He's clearly on Stockholm time. Fred's walking around. The sun will not go down till at least
00:11:0211 o'clock maybe tonight. I'm sorry. That was like a German accent. I don't really know
00:11:07a Swedish accent. My only Swedish accent is her to her to her to her to her to her
00:11:12Swedish chef. You know what I'm talking about, Fred?
00:11:16I got it around the holidays as well. Last December I got COVID. At the time I got Omicron
00:11:22and at the time I had Omicron and I was triple vaccinated. So by the time I was done with
00:11:28it, I had the antibodies and triple vaccine. I felt invincible. I was walking around Los
00:11:35Angeles just licking everything. I was walking into Starbucks. Hello. I would like a Frappuccino
00:11:48and a cookie. Why are you licking the counter? I'm triple vaccinated. And I got antibody.
00:12:02They say the symptoms for Omicron was head cold, lower back pain. Did you feel that Fred?
00:12:06Is that what you had? What were your symptoms? What were your symptoms? Minor. Look at you
00:12:10Swedish cocky motherfucker. This guy. My symptoms were minor like your penis. I got the undertones
00:12:22Fred. I got the undertones. He's just called me a bitch. My symptoms were like that. Very
00:12:28little symptoms like your ding dong. Fred, every variant has had its own symptoms like
00:12:37the original variant, right? You would lose your smell and taste, right? And then of course
00:12:41there was the breathing and then for Omicron, head cold, lower back pain. I wonder what
00:12:46the symptoms are going to be for the next variant. Like shamacron. What would be the
00:12:52symptoms? I'd be like, I can't hear out of my left ear and I have no sensation in my
00:12:59right nut. I got nothing. Well, you got shamacron motherfucker. How do you know? I went to the
00:13:08doctor. He got on his knees, just started flicking my right nut. I couldn't feel it.
00:13:13Told him I got to quarantine it for 10 days. 10 days. I'm going to quarantine my right nut.
00:13:18Blake, when I got Omicron last holidays, they used to say, you have to quarantine for 10 days. I'll
00:13:28be honest with you. I have a wife and kids. Oh my God. It was the best 10 days of my entire
00:13:35marriage. I got to sit in the back room and watch everything on television. HBO, Netflix,
00:13:43Hulu. I subscribed to something called Discovery Plus. I didn't even know what it was. I go,
00:13:49fuck it. I got time. Let me discover some shit. And Omicron was so contagious. When my wife and
00:13:57kids would bring me my food, they would leave it outside the door and they would knock and
00:14:02they would run away. And every time I opened the door, I had to pretend like I was having a worst
00:14:11time alone. I started opening the door. Oh my God. I love you guys. I miss you. I closed the door,
00:14:24get back in bed. Okay. Succession season two. Let's see what happens to the Roy family. Narcos
00:14:34Mexico. Learn some Spanish. I'm fluent. Thank you very much. Halfway through my quarantine,
00:14:46the CDC came out. They go, you only need to quarantine for five days. I told my wife,
00:14:52I said, you can't trust the CDC. 10, 15, at least 20 days. I'll see you in a month. I'll see you in
00:14:59a month. Oh my God. I love you guys. Love you baby. Thank you guys. Thank you. Like I said,
00:15:21I got the shot. I got the shot. Which one did you get? Which shot did you get? You got all four,
00:15:29but like the brand, which Moderna. There you go. Okay. There you go. I'm proud of you. You were
00:15:36like responding to me like I was the LA city health. They're fans of yours right there. There
00:15:42you go. There you go. Are those your doctors? Who are they? Oh, your friends. They're so proud of
00:15:47her. You got the four shots. We're proud of you. What's your name? What's your name? Homera. That's
00:15:53a Persian name Blake right there. Multiple syllables. Homero. Holy shit. And what do you do?
00:16:03What do you do? Currently unemployed. That's fine. That's better than this shit.
00:16:11What were you doing before? Pharmaceutical sales. You go girl. There you go. Drug dealer. Fantastic.
00:16:18Okay. Homero, you got Moderna? Listen, I'll be honest with you. I got Pfizer and you know,
00:16:23people, yeah, people, yes. People who got Pfizer are a little cocky. You know what I'm saying?
00:16:28People who got Pfizer are like, yes, I got Pfizer. I also have an American Express platinum card.
00:16:33Thank you very much. Like Homero, I try not to judge, but I judge.
00:16:40I swear to God. People say I got Moderna. I go, oh, good luck to you.
00:16:43Then I got Johnson and Johnson. I go, you need better health insurance.
00:16:50They go, I got AstraZeneca. I go, when is the funeral?
00:16:57No, I'm happy you got it. I'm happy anybody got their shot. You know, some people we know,
00:17:01some people don't want to get their shot. We all have that friend that didn't want to get the shot
00:17:05because he was afraid the government was going to put a chip in him.
00:17:09I heard that. I go, who the fuck do you think you are?
00:17:13That the government of the United States is concerned with what you're doing Tuesdays at two?
00:17:21Who do you think you are? The CIA? I don't know. I wonder what Tommy does every Tuesday at two.
00:17:26Let's put a chip and find out. You know how disappointed they would be after two weeks?
00:17:33This motherfucker has been sitting on a couch watching TikTok videos.
00:17:36Can we get the chip back?
00:17:41By the way, if you have a friend who thinks they're going to put a chip in them,
00:17:44let them know they already have it. It's called your phone, right? They know what we're doing,
00:17:49right? If you don't believe me, try buying a pair of shoes on your phone. See what happens.
00:17:55I started at Homera a year ago. I bought a pair of Nikes on my phone.
00:18:00Every time I turn on my phone, it asks me if I want a Nike.
00:18:02The other day, I got on my phone, went on Safari. Right away, it goes, you want a Nike?
00:18:06I go, no thanks. I already have a Nike. I did three scrolls. It goes, how about now?
00:18:12I go, motherfucker, I told you above. I don't want the Nike.
00:18:15Then every app got in on it. I checked the weather. It goes, it's going to be hot. Buy a Nike.
00:18:22I got directions on Waze. It goes, make a left. Get a Nike.
00:18:26I got so worried. I called my wife. I said, what's the weather like? She goes,
00:18:31I got so worried. I called my mom. I go, mom, some weird stuff is going on with my phone.
00:18:36She goes, you want a Nike?
00:18:44I go, you too? She goes, Maz, I go, what? She goes, just do it.
00:18:52That's the tagline for Nike. Yes. Thank you. Every time I do that joke, I get a dollar from Nike.
00:18:59Thank you. I'm kidding. My mom had an accent in that joke because, as you guys know, like I said,
00:19:07I'm Iranian and my wife is Indian. Are there any Indians tonight? There we go. Thank you,
00:19:12all three, four, five. That's how they multiply. You see how that worked? We had four, all of a
00:19:17sudden five. By the end of the show, one billion will be in here, you guys. My people right there,
00:19:22my cousins. Guys, check this out. I'm Iranian. My wife's Indian. All right. Now, I got a theory.
00:19:28Who else here is in a mixed relationship? There you go. What's the mix? What's the mix? What do
00:19:34we got? Black and white. Thank you very much, sir. He looked at me like I'm so stupid.
00:19:41This asshole, black, white.
00:19:48You're so fucking stupid. You can't see?
00:19:51Are you guys married? You have kids? You have kids? Okay, this is getting complicated now.
00:19:57He said, I have kids. The white lady did not contribute at all.
00:20:03What's your name, my man? Jonathan. So, here's my theory. My theory is, if you have kids with
00:20:09your wife when you're in an interracial relationship, when it comes time to name your
00:20:12kids, there's a whole negotiation that begins. It's a compromise. You know what I'm saying?
00:20:16The example I like to do usually is, I say, let's say you're a Mexican guy actually married to a
00:20:20Swedish woman, let's say, right? Let's say you have a kid, right? You, right away, your son,
00:20:24you go, I want to name him Jose. The Swedish wife would be like, I want to name him Ikea.
00:20:33They compromise, Jos-kea. You see how that works? So, when my son was born, I went to my Indian
00:20:43So, when my son was born, I went to my Indian wife out the gate. I started with a nice Persian
00:20:47Muslim name right out the gate. Went to my wife, my Indian wife. I go, hey, how about Mahmood?
00:20:55That's strong. That's strong, right? She came back. It was a negotiation. She comes back. She goes,
00:20:59how about, go fuck yourself? I said, is that a very common Indian name?
00:21:12I go, would his nickname be go fuck or yourself?
00:21:19Then it was a negotiation. I went back. I go, how about Mohammed?
00:21:23She goes, asshole, I want him to travel. I go, oh, okay. Yeah, Mohammed's not a good name at the
00:21:30airport. That's not a good one. So, then I found a nice neutral Persian name, Dara. D-A-R-A. Great
00:21:37name, right? Nobody knows what it is, right? But then she wanted to Indianize it, so she added a
00:21:43silent H after the D. So, now it's spelled D-H-A-R-A. Looks Indian, is Iranian. You see, right?
00:21:54She's happy, I'm happy. That's it. That's how the negotiation works. But my favorite thing is when
00:22:00we go to the parent-teacher conferences, oh my God, white people. You guys are so nervous about
00:22:07messing up ethnic names. It's the most entertaining shit, because the teachers don't know what to do
00:22:13with the silent H in Dara. And they don't want to mess it up. They don't want to offend us. So, we
00:22:18walk in. I see his white teachers. They're sweating bullets. And they start saying his name, hoping
00:22:25that we'll help them out. They're like, you know, your son, D-H-A-D-J-A-D-K. I go, there's no Kha.
00:22:42Where'd you see the Kha? The H is silent. White people, every time you see an H in a Muslim name,
00:22:47you start going Kha. There's no Kha. I told her, relax. I did the H for my Indian wife. I wanted
00:22:53Mohammed. She goes, you mean Mohammed? There's no Kha. When the lockdown first happened, I went
00:23:05online and I googled to find out if comedians are essential workers. That's not the joke, you bastards.
00:23:15That's the set up to the punchline. How dare you laugh? No, because we couldn't tour. We couldn't do
00:23:24anything. We had to come up with things to do. Like, Blake, we had to come up with, like, I tried to
00:23:27become an influencer. I swear to God, I didn't even know what it was. I went and bought a ring light. I
00:23:33didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what an influencer was until Dara, my son, he told me
00:23:39about it. I was walking with him in the streets. He saw this influencer. He lost his mind. We're
00:23:45walking. Dara sees the influencer. He's like, oh my God, that's Sven Svensson. I go, who the hell is
00:23:53Sven Svensson? He's an influencer. He's got 5 million followers on YouTube. He makes 10 million
00:24:00dollars a year. I go, what does he do? He opens boxes. What the fuck?
00:24:11And then Dara said hi. The guy says hi back. Dara goes, he's so nice.
00:24:17I go, of course he's nice. He's making 10 million a year opening boxes.
00:24:22You want to see an asshole? Go to the UPS store. There's a guy closing boxes right now.
00:24:26Pissed off that he's doing the wrong thing with boxes.
00:24:31Your package will get there when it gets there. Next in line. Go to FedEx. Get out of here.
00:24:40We didn't know what to do. We couldn't tour. My agents were like, now during the lockdown is a
00:24:45good time for you to build your social media. You need to post more videos on Instagram. Who
00:24:50here's on Instagram? Who's on Instagram? There you go. Yes. I don't know about you guys, but
00:24:54every time I post a video on Instagram, I lose 250 followers. I don't know where they're going.
00:25:03I'm like, where are you going? Stay.
00:25:07What's your name? What's your name? Elizabeth. You have an accent too. Where are you from,
00:25:11Elizabeth? Venezuela. Bienvenidos. I don't know why I became a bullfighter. That was weird.
00:25:21Hello Venezuela. Are you also Venezuelan? Persian. Oh shit. There you go. And you guys are a couple.
00:25:28Fantastic. Way to go. Wow. You're both enemies of America and you got together.
00:25:36Yes. These two met at an oil embargo meeting.
00:25:44She saw him. Are you also going to keep the oil for yourself? Yeah.
00:25:47He's like, definitely. I'm not going to give it to America. Fantastic. The prices will go up.
00:25:56So Elizabeth and your name? Amir. What is it? Amir. Fantastic. There you go, buddy.
00:26:02But you guys aren't married, are you? No. Okay. So the names, just keep in mind,
00:26:08it's going to happen. I'm telling you. Now, Elizabeth, you said you are on Instagram, right?
00:26:14So what's that? Oh, you see me on Instagram? Oh, fantastic. Thank you for following on Instagram.
00:26:19Here's my question. Do you read the comments when you post anything? Do you read the comments?
00:26:23You do? These ladies are like, yes, we read the comments. God damn it.
00:26:28Clearly, they're the ones who are writing. This is bullshit. Okay. I can't believe.
00:26:33The key, Fred, the key is not to read the comments because you'll be disappointed.
00:26:38I swear to God. No, because usually there's a comment start pissing you off. Let me tell you
00:26:41what happened. This is what happened. I decided to eat right, exercise, lose a little bit of weight.
00:26:46Then I thought maybe I will post the weight loss on my Instagram page. I can inspire my followers
00:26:51to lose weight with me. So I ran. I ate right. I got on the scale. I took a picture. I posted it.
00:26:59Started reading the comments. First comment, dude, your toes are ugly.
00:27:05You motherfucker. Second comment. Why do you have purple shins? You might have coronavirus. I go,
00:27:13what the fuck? Third comment. Want a Nike?
00:27:24I go, mom, get off my Instagram.
00:27:27Mom, get off my Instagram.
00:27:33Now I'm all over social media. I'm on Instagram. I'm on YouTube. I'm on Facebook. I'm on TikTok.
00:27:39I don't even know what I'm doing on TikTok. TikTok is like three second videos. I don't
00:27:44know what I'm doing. Okay. When I first started doing stand up back in the day,
00:27:4823, 24 years ago, they used to say, you need to film a one hour comedy special. You put it on HBO.
00:27:54People discover you. Your career takes off. Then a few years later, they go, you got to take five
00:27:58minutes of the one hour. You put it on YouTube. People discover you. Career takes off. Then they
00:28:04go, you got to take one minute of the five minutes you put on Instagram. People discover you. Career
00:28:08takes off. Now they say, you got to take three seconds of the one minute. You put it on TikTok.
00:28:16People discover you. Career takes off. I told Dara, I go, Dara, I don't even know what to do
00:28:22in three seconds. I told my son, I go, for three seconds, all I can say is hello, goodbye.
00:28:29He goes, that's perfect.
00:28:35I go, how low is the attention span of your generation? He goes, what?
00:28:41Didn't even last. Yeah. You guys. You guys are awesome. Oh, my God.
00:28:58Been a crazy couple of years. Comedians had to do Zoom comedy shows. Yeah, holy shit. Who else?
00:29:07Who else? You guys did business on Zoom. Who else did? Yeah, there you go.
00:29:10There you go. What's your name, sir? Josefa. Oh, wow. What's your background?
00:29:17Indian. Shit, I've never heard Josefa. Did you have a Mexican parent?
00:29:25It's what I said before. Clearly, the negotiation happened.
00:29:31Right? The father wanted Jose, the mother wanted Farouk, they went Josefa.
00:29:39That's how that works. That's how Josefa.
00:29:48What were you doing on Zoom? What's your occupation?
00:29:52You work for Johnson and Johnson. Holy shit. Holy shit.
00:29:57This guy. Moderna, you can look down on him now. There you go.
00:30:05You're like, Josefa, I don't know about this.
00:30:09Josefa, I don't know how many meetings you have to do on Zoom and what you do on Zoom. When I'm
00:30:13on Zoom, we had to do comedy shows, all right? Every time I'm on Zoom, I try to watch everybody
00:30:18else who's in the Zoom meeting, but inevitably, my eyes work their way back to my face.
00:30:24And I start noticing every fault on this fucking face. I swear to God, they were pitching a TV
00:30:30show to me. I was listening. All of a sudden, I look over, I go, holy shit. When did I get so old?
00:30:38I go, look at these wrinkles. I got crow's feet. I don't know where my eyebrows go. I have no
00:30:42eyebrows. I don't know how I was this bald. Holy shit. That's a big nose. What the fuck?
00:30:52I wonder if it's smaller. It's bigger this way.
00:30:59Josefa, by the end of the meeting, the guy goes, what do you think of the TV show? I go,
00:31:03I think I need plastic surgery. And I thought about getting it. I did, because I found,
00:31:13listen, I found out if you want your eyelids to open, you go to the plastic surgeon. They pull
00:31:18your skin back, so your eyes open. I thought maybe the guy could pull my skin back,
00:31:23give me some thick eyebrows, thin nose, some white teeth, some nice hair, right? And the key
00:31:29to getting work done, I found out, you're not supposed to admit you had work done, right?
00:31:33So I'd be walking around Los Angeles all shiny. People would be like, Maz, did you get work done?
00:31:39I'd be like, no. I've been juicing.
00:31:47How come you have a big ass? That's elderberry juice.
00:31:53Why do you have breasts? That's turmeric, turmeric.
00:31:55Oh, my God. You know who I was jealous of during the pandemic was doctors. Are there
00:32:09any doctors in the house? Any doctors? There we go. What kind of doctor are you, young lady? What
00:32:14kind? Gastroenterologist. There you go. GI, right? Fart doctor, right? It's the best.
00:32:23You got a lot of clients tonight. The Persians are here. We have a lot of gaseous.
00:32:28The Indians, you know what a Curry's, you're going to have a lot. Just
00:32:31start panning out business cards on the way out. Venezuela, yeah. Spicy, some shit.
00:32:39You know, I was jealous of doctors. Doctors were doing Zoom consults
00:32:43during the pandemic. Did you do Zoom consults? You were there. Look at you with the mask. You
00:32:49were brave. Look at you. Give it up for her saving lives. Yes.
00:32:57My friend told me you could get a Zoom consult physical. And I was like, how does that even
00:33:03happen? Because usually the doctor's got to touch you to make sure you're okay.
00:33:07How does that work? What do you get on the Zoom with the doctor? He goes, okay,
00:33:10Maz, welcome to your annual checkup. Let's get started. Okay, I need you to grab your balls and
00:33:16cough. Are you feeling anything strange? No? Okay. Stick your finger up your ass.
00:33:31Anything at all? No? Okay. Do the copay on the way out. You'll be fine.
00:33:40I was so jealous of doctors. I should have been a doctor. I should have been a doctor.
00:33:44Have you ever heard anybody say that to you before? People say stupid shit like that. I'm
00:33:49happy you haven't heard it because some people will see like a doctor in a nice car. They go,
00:33:52I should have been a doctor. Like it's a weekend extension course.
00:33:59What's your name, doc? What's your name? Melanie. I knew I couldn't be a doctor
00:34:05from the fifth grade. Yeah. When they brought that frog out. Remember the frog?
00:34:10Guys, remember the frog in the fifth grade? They brought out a dead frog.
00:34:14Melanie was pinned to a tray with his arms out just like Jesus.
00:34:23The most disgusting shit I've ever seen. And they doused him in formaldehyde. They put him in front
00:34:30of me. I raised my hand. I go, teacher, what do you want me to do with the frog?
00:34:33She goes, cut it open. I go, fuck that. You cut it open.
00:34:37That's the day I knew I was not going to be a doctor. That's the day I became a comedian.
00:34:43I swear to God, I went to the other side of the room. I just started telling jokes.
00:34:48Right away, I go over, I go, knock, knock. They go, who's there? I go, not the frog.
00:34:54He's dead. He's dead in formaldehyde.
00:34:59He's dead in formaldehyde.
00:35:04I'll be honest with you. The pandemic also made me realize I could never be a doctor.
00:35:09Because as soon as we could get those masks, the disposable blue masks, we bought some of
00:35:15the disposable blue masks. I put it on with my big ass ears. Those things were hurting my ears so much.
00:35:23I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods. My wife sent me to Whole Foods to go shopping.
00:35:27Remember early on in the pandemic, you'd get dressed up in a homemade hazmat suit.
00:35:33Dishwashing gloves, ski goggles, and the fucking mask.
00:35:38I'd be walking around. I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods. I was like, this is bullshit.
00:35:44I'm just going to get the dried mangoes. I will come back for the quinoa. This is bullshit.
00:35:49My ears are hurting. I would run into the car, take off all my gear, start eating my
00:35:55dried mangoes. Oh my god, my ears are hurting. I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods.
00:36:01Meanwhile, doctors will operate on somebody for eight hours wearing the mask. They'll be in the
00:36:08operating room. They get started. Scalpel! They cut the guy open. And then hammer! I don't know.
00:36:20Blender! I don't know. I'm cooking at this point.
00:36:25Halfway through the surgery, the nurse will be like, doctor, do you want a mask break? No, god damn it.
00:36:31We're here to save a life. I'll be here for eight hours. My ears will suffer.
00:36:36If I were the doctor, five minutes in. Guys, he's not gonna make it. I gotta go. This is bullshit.
00:36:43I have dried mangoes in the car. Let's go, guys.
00:36:46I also got a cold during the coronavirus. You can't get a cold during the coronavirus because
00:36:58everyone would think you had the coronavirus, right? Like getting a cold during the coronavirus
00:37:03is what it felt like being Muslim after September 11th. Yeah, everyone thought you're guilty,
00:37:11right? Like Asians is what it felt like being Asian during the coronavirus.
00:37:16They were blaming it on Asians, right? White people is what it felt like being white
00:37:20after January 6th. That was your day, motherfuckers.
00:37:29I remember, Blake, I was watching the news. I go, oh shit, they got terrorists too?
00:37:35I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Patriots. Patriots. Patriots. White people have very funny names
00:37:41for their criminals. Your terrorists become patriots. Your drug dealers become pharmaceutical
00:37:46reps. Your killers become lone wolves. Like what's a lone wolf? He's a killer who's white.
00:37:59My favorite day was January 7th when they wouldn't let those motherfuckers get on the airplanes.
00:38:05Don't know if you've seen the videos. Go home and watch the videos. These guys had the nerve.
00:38:09They attacked the capital on January 6th. They had the nerve to go to the airport the next day,
00:38:13try to get on the plane. They were at the airport crying. Do you see the videos? They're like,
00:38:17this is bullshit, man. They won't let me on the plane, man. I have my boarding pass and
00:38:23I chose my meal. They're not letting me on the plane, man. I was watching. I go,
00:38:28welcome to my world, motherfuckers. They haven't let my people on planes for 20 years.
00:38:39My cousin Mahmoud is still walking across the country.
00:38:46I go, by the way, when they didn't let the Muslims on the planes, we didn't cry.
00:38:50We didn't cry, okay? We just walked away. We're like, okay, fine.
00:38:55I will just hijack the next plane. That's how you do it.
00:39:05I've been following the whole January 6th. I don't know if you heard about it,
00:39:07but obviously they put a lot of the people who stormed the capital, they put them in jail.
00:39:12And a lot of them, when they were caught, they said that they didn't mean to storm the capital.
00:39:16They got caught up in the moment. What kind of stupid ass,
00:39:22bullshit, white privilege excuse is that? Because I don't know about you guys,
00:39:28but I've never been outside of a bank just using an ATM.
00:39:31Looked over, seen a bank robber run by, made eye contact. Let's do this shit, motherfuckers.
00:39:44Go in front of the judge, your honor, I'll be honest with you, I got caught up in the moment.
00:39:51I was going for $20, decided to go for 20,000. What the hell? These things happen, your honor.
00:40:02I've been following, I've been watching the January 6th hearings. I don't know if you guys have or not,
00:40:07but I don't care what side you're on, right or left, you should watch them. They're very
00:40:10entertaining. It's the best TV show on television. My favorite episode was that one where that girl,
00:40:16Cassidy Hutchinson, came out and she said, remember her? She came out, she said Trump
00:40:21tried to choke his secret service agent. And the people on the right were like,
00:40:25no way. And the people on the left were like, yeah, way.
00:40:29But I'm thinking, you know what's interesting? We all as a country, we heard that Trump tried
00:40:32to choke his secret service agent. All of us were like, yeah, it's possible.
00:40:38That's how crazy he is. In the past, if you heard like President Eisenhower choked his
00:40:43secret service agent, no way. He's very stately, he would never do that.
00:40:48But you hear Trump, you're like, that could have happened, definitely could have happened.
00:40:52If you heard Biden choked his secret service agent, you'd be like, how old was the secret
00:40:56service agent? How old was the guy? Oh my God. During the whole lockdown, I was trying to
00:41:12exercise, running a lot. And now that I'm 50, like I'm getting injuries, so I got to start speed
00:41:16walking. You guys know speed walking, right? A lot of immigrant dads speed walk. I don't know
00:41:24if Mexican dad, do Indian dads speed walk? Yes, speed walking is their thing, all right?
00:41:29My dad speed walking for you guys, it's like where the lower body moves, upper body straight.
00:41:37And they're very angry that this is bullshit. Why did I come to this country?
00:41:41I had to leave my country to come here and walk these streets. This is bullshit.
00:41:47My dad used to speed walk and he used to take us with him
00:41:52to go speed walking when I was like eight years old. On a Saturday, I'd be asleep. My dad, come
00:41:57on, wake up. We're going to go speed walking. I was like, dad, I'm eight years old. I'm trying
00:42:01to sleep. We're going to go speed walking. We go out to speed walk. He was twice my size.
00:42:06So he would just walk away from me. And I think that's how immigrant dads spent quality time with
00:42:12their kids. Yeah. They would take you out and walk away because they wanted to tell you that life is
00:42:19hard. Right? They'd be like, come on, son, keep up. There might be a revolution. You have to
00:42:24escape. Let's go. Keep up. This is training for the next revolution. Keep up. And then I realized
00:42:36we weren't there just to speed walk with our dads and our immigrant dads, but also we were their
00:42:42therapists. Yes, because immigrant dads don't go to therapy. They're macho men. I don't care where
00:42:48you're from. Venezuela, Iran, India, Mexico. Immigrant dads don't go to therapy.
00:42:57The kids are the therapists. Once in a while, we're walking. My dad would just unload on me.
00:43:03I swear to God. One time I was walking with my dad. Come on, son, keep up. I go, dad,
00:43:09wait up. Keep up, son. Dad, wait up. Son, son, come here, son. Your mother, bitch.
00:43:14I go, oh, shit. I think we just had a breakthrough. That was good.
00:43:24Your next session is going to be free. That was really good.
00:43:32It was a different world. Different world. Parenting was different.
00:43:36Like our parents didn't do like birds and the bees. Josefa, did your Indian dad do? No.
00:43:43Didn't even know what it meant. I asked my Persian dad, I go, can you do the birds and
00:43:47the bees? He goes, son, we don't have birds and bees. We have lawyers and doctors.
00:43:55And I hope you be one.
00:44:02You know how I learned about the birds and the bees? This is how I learned. When I was in the
00:44:05seventh grade, my friend David was walking home one day from school. He found three grocery bags
00:44:11filled with Playboys just outside by the garbage. That's how they used to do it back in the day.
00:44:17When the guy was done, he would pay it forward.
00:44:21Yeah, he was done with his Playboys. He'd leave it outside. He's like, some pervert will find this
00:44:27and make use of it. David came up to me, goes, listen, I got three bags of Playboys. You want
00:44:32one? I go, of course I want a bag of Playboys. I took it home. I taught myself the birds and the
00:44:37bees. I was very good at it. Thank you very much. Thank you. But then also having the immigrant
00:44:46entrepreneurial mentality, six months later, I took the bag to school and sold it to all the other boys.
00:44:56Made a profit, bought my first house. Thank you very much.
00:44:59Nobody did birds and the bees. Now we got to do birds and bees. I stumbled into the birds and the bees.
00:45:08Who's got young kids here? Who's got young kids? Anybody? There you go. How old are your kids?
00:45:1412 and 18. There you go. How old are your kids? 17. Did either of you do birds and bees with your
00:45:20kid, the sex talk? Did you do it? You did, right? And you kind of did, right? You were like, here,
00:45:25let me get you started. Right? You're like, here's a man, here's a woman, and here's a magazine. Go
00:45:32figure it out. No, listen, I didn't even mean to. I didn't mean to do the birds and the bees. I
00:45:41stumbled into it because we read books as parents now. We read books. And the book says if your kids
00:45:46ever ask you a question, answer them honestly. That's what you got to do, right? So I was watching
00:45:51when my daughter was 8 and my son was 10. I was watching a TV show with them. First of all, as
00:45:56your boy gets into his, like, teenage years, boys get a little spaced out. Like, Dara's a smart guy,
00:46:02but he's a little just, oh. And girls are sharp. You're sharp. My daughter is, like, CSI, FBI, CIA,
00:46:12all combined. She is paying attention. Guys, we were watching the TV show Blackish. Great show,
00:46:22right? Blackish. First episode of the whole show. I didn't know this was going to happen. I'm
00:46:27watching with the kids. First episode of the whole, first scene of the whole show. The father
00:46:32walks into his high school son's room. He opens the door, and the high school son is about to
00:46:37masturbate. Like, he's about to pull his underwear down. The dad opens the door, and he sees it. He
00:46:41goes, oh, and he walks out. And the son goes, oh, and he jumps on the bed. My son doesn't even notice.
00:46:49My son, he's just, oh. My daughter, right away, she goes, what just happened?
00:47:00I go, what just, what just, what just happened? Like, what just happened, like, on TV or in the
00:47:04world? In the world? She goes, no, what just happened on TV? And the whole time, I'm like,
00:47:11be honest, be honest, be honest, be honest. I go, baby, this is what happened. Okay,
00:47:17this is what happened. I go, okay. What happened was, you know, the kid is in high school,
00:47:22and the father walked in the room, and he was in his underwear, and it was embarrassing,
00:47:25so the father walked out. And she goes, oh, okay. I go, thank God I just dodged the bullet.
00:47:32Very next scene, the father goes into the mother. He goes, hey, I just caught our son playing with
00:47:37himself. Again, my son just, oh. My daughter, she goes, what does that mean? I go, what does that
00:47:50mean? She goes, yeah, what does that mean? I go, what is that, that, what is that? Okay, okay, be
00:47:53honest, be honest, be honest, be honest. I go, what that means, I go, what that, okay, playing with
00:47:57it, what that means, playing with it, what that means, what that means, playing with yourself.
00:48:01What that means is, once in a while, once in a while, when boys are in high school, they just,
00:48:05they just, they just squeeze their pee-pee, just a little squeeze. Just a poo-poo-poo-poo,
00:48:10just a poo-poo-poo-poo, just a little poo-poo-poo-poo. Poo-poo-poo-poo.
00:48:14She looked at me like, what the fuck? I go, no, it's just a little, just a poo-poo-poo-poo,
00:48:22just a little poo-poo-poo, just a poo-poo-poo. And then she goes, did you do it?
00:48:29I go, listen, we don't have birds and bees. We have lawyers and doctors. Stop asking questions.
00:48:46It's just ongoing. And in the middle of all that, we got a pandemic puppy.
00:48:53Anybody else here get a pandemic puppy? There you go. You got one. You got one. Which kind did you
00:48:58get? Chihuahua. There you go. You guys live together. Fantastic. You said no. You said yes.
00:49:06Some weird shit's happening right now because Amir thinks they live together.
00:49:11Elizabeth's like, no, motherfucker. You don't pay rent.
00:49:14You guys got a Chihuahua together though, right? So here's the check. Was it your first dog or you
00:49:18had a dog before? Yeah. See, I'd never had a dog. I'd never had a dog before the pandemic because
00:49:24again, a lot of cultures aren't dog people. Like when I was a kid in Iran, like I wanted a dog.
00:49:29Iranians weren't big dog people when I was in Iran. Right, Mr. Delsha? We weren't big. When I was a
00:49:34kid, I asked my dad for a dog. He got me a rooster. He got me a rooster. He got me a rooster.
00:49:41He got me a rooster. I swear to God, I'm not making it up. Every once in a while, I hear
00:49:51and my dad, that's your dog. That's your dog.
00:49:55I went to school. They go, draw a dog. I drew a rooster because this guy's a fucking idiot.
00:50:02Then we came to America. America, everybody's got a dog. Americans love their dogs. So when I came
00:50:06to America, we came when I was six. At the age of seven, I wanted a dog. So I went to my dad.
00:50:11Again, my dad, I wanted a dog. Again, my dad, macho Persian man. Didn't even know how he could
00:50:17go about getting a dog. So I had another friend who was another macho Persian dude who had two
00:50:22dogs. So he goes to that guy. He goes, hey, listen, you have two dogs. Give me one dog.
00:50:26And the guy's like, sure. Take dog. Not one of them thought for one minute that these two dogs
00:50:38have grown up together. They're going to miss each other. Yeah. Don't all the dog on me.
00:50:44I was seven years old. This dog showed up. It was the saddest dog you've ever seen. Oh my God. You
00:50:50don't even know. I would try to take him for a walk. Come on, lassie. Let's go for a walk.
00:50:55He was like, fuck you. My name's not Lassie. I'm going to stay home and listen to sad music.
00:51:02Hello, darkness, my old friend.
00:51:07After two days, my dad goes, listen, dog doesn't like you. Give dog back.
00:51:13I go, but I like the dog. Don't dog doesn't like you. Give dog back. I go, I want the dog. He
00:51:17goes, you're lucky you can give dog back. Your mother doesn't like me. I can't give her back.
00:51:23Give dog back. So we gave the dog back and I didn't have a dog until the pandemic.
00:51:31I was sitting there with my wife and kids. I have a request. Wives, girlfriends, please
00:51:35don't ask your husbands a question when you've already made up your mind on the answer.
00:51:41This is bullshit. You guys do this all the time, right? Like you'd be sitting around,
00:51:47right? Someone a little, yeah, you're ready. There you go. Those two guys are upset.
00:51:50Those two guys are upset. You know what I'm saying? You'll be sitting around
00:51:53and then your wife will be like, should we get sushi for dinner?
00:51:58Right? And you'll be like, you know, I'm not in the mood for sushi. They'll be like,
00:52:02you're never in the mood for, when are you ever in the mood?
00:52:05If you want the sushi, get the fucking sushi. I'll eat whatever you give me.
00:52:12My wife pulled that shit with the dog. We're watching TV. My wife goes, should we get a dog?
00:52:17I go, babe, I don't know if it's the right time for a dog. There's a pandemic, there's protests,
00:52:23there's an election. It's not the right time. She goes, you never say it's the right time.
00:52:27When is it ever going to be the right time? I go, woman, if you already know you want the dog,
00:52:31then why are you asking my, just get the fucking dog. And then she pulls this bullshit. She goes,
00:52:36let's just go look at the puppies. What kind of bullshit?
00:52:41Wife negotiating tactic, Indian negotiating. I don't know what that was.
00:52:47Who just looks at a puppy? What kind of Disney villain would I have to be
00:52:55to just look at a puppy
00:53:00and not bring it home? Right? Who sees the puppy? I don't want the puppy.
00:53:05Destroy the puppy. Oh hell no. We saw the puppy. We brought her home.
00:53:12Little mini golden doodle. Yeah, I know. I know. My wife, colors, apricot. Okay. She's cute.
00:53:21She looks like a little teddy bear. My wife named her Yasu. It's a Japanese name. Thank you.
00:53:26One person likes the name. Thank you. My wife, so it's a Japanese name. It means peace.
00:53:32My wife, so it's a Japanese name. It means peaceful. So now I'm Iranian. My wife is Indian.
00:53:38Our dog is Japanese. Our nanny is Guatemalan. Our neighbor is Korean. I could run a goddamn
00:53:44immigration office out of my kitchen right now. And I've learned a lot since we had the dog. For
00:53:50one thing I learned, I learned Japanese and Koreans don't get along. Did you know this?
00:53:55I didn't know this till I was walking with Yasu. My little Japanese dog came upon my Korean neighbor.
00:54:01She goes, what's your dog's name? I go, it's Yasu. In Japanese it means peaceful. She goes,
00:54:05that's interesting because Yasu in Korean means beast. I go, well that's interesting because my
00:54:11dog is peaceful. She goes, you don't want beast? I go, I'm good. And then she walked away angry.
00:54:17And I was like, what the hell? Why was she upset? I went to my wife. I go, why was the neighbor so
00:54:20upset? She goes, you idiot. They don't get along. What do you care? Just tell her it's beast.
00:54:25So the next time I saw her, I said, listen, my bad. The dog is actually Korean. She's beast.
00:54:30And my neighbor was like, oh, very good. So she walked away. And then I kept walking and I ran
00:54:34into some Greek guy. He goes, oh, your dog's name is Yasu. In Greek, Yasu means hello. I go, Jesus
00:54:41Christ, we're going to start World War III over this dog's name. I'm just trying to get her to
00:54:46take a shit so I can go home and take a nap. So now her name is hello, you peaceful beast.
00:54:53That's it. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you guys. I've embraced, I love my dog now. I'm
00:55:02telling you, Elizabeth, I walk that dog. When I pick up dog shit, I feel more American than I
00:55:07ever have. That's what we do in America. We pick up dog shit. I feel more American picking up dog
00:55:12shit than when I got my citizenship paper. I pick up the dog shit. I hold it to the sky. I talk to
00:55:18my dad, father, I finally have a dog. I'm American, father. Because let's face it,
00:55:24Americans love their dogs, right? They hate their parents, but they love their dogs.
00:55:30A dog shit, they pick it up. The parents shit, retirement home.
00:55:35Or Florida, same shit. You know what I'm saying?
00:55:37So you guys, so Yasu has this little pet, stuffed pet monkey that she likes to play with. She'll
00:55:45put it in her mouth and she'll come to you and she'll wag her tail and she'll whimper,
00:55:50which means let's play. So she'll show up, she'll be like, which means chase me. So one night I was
00:55:56at home, I was working on a project. I was working on a project. I was working on a project. I was
00:56:02working on a project. Which means chase me. So one night I was at home, I was washing dishes
00:56:08and Yasu walks in with the monkey in her mouth and she's walking slowly. She's not wagging her tail
00:56:13and I'm looking. I go, why is Yasu acting weird? Then I look closer. I go, why is the monkey
00:56:18darker than normal? I go, oh shit, that's not a monkey. That's a dead squirrel. Yeah,
00:56:25I did the research. Golden doodle. It's a golden retriever poodle mix. They retrieve dead animals
00:56:31and they bring it to whoever they worship the most in the house.
00:56:35Yeah, and up until then there'd been a competition between me, my wife and the kids. Oh,
00:56:40she loves me more. She loves me more. And as she was walking towards me with a dead hamster,
00:56:45a squirrel in her mouth, slowly I go, oh my God, she loves me more.
00:56:54And she's walking towards me like it's a scene from game of thrones.
00:56:58And she's bringing me gold. She's like, for thee, my Lord. I bringeth thy dead squirrel for thee,
00:57:05my Lord. And she drops in and just walks out backwards. And I'm washing the dishes. I go,
00:57:11what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? So I put on all kinds of gear, wrapped it up,
00:57:17threw it away. Next morning I had to take the kids to school. The one thing I miss about Zoom
00:57:23school is the commute. Remember the commute was so easy. Oh my God. You just wake up in the morning,
00:57:30you go to the room, you'd wake them up. Hey, wake up. Go to school. They'd get out of bed. They
00:57:37just walked to their desk. I'd go downstairs. I'd tell my wife, listen, I dropped them off.
00:57:41You pick them up. Now you got to drive them through traffic again, right? And my son,
00:57:50like I told you, smart kid, little spaced out. He has no sense of time. I was trying to get out
00:57:57of the house by 7.30. He walked downstairs at 7.29. Like no big deal. Like one shoe on one foot.
00:58:06Just starts telling me about a dream he had the night before. He's like, hey, dad, what's going
00:58:11on? I had a dream last night and there was a waterfall, but the waterfall was going the wrong
00:58:16way. I don't know why it was going the wrong way. And I'm late. I'm like, hurry up. Get in the car.
00:58:23Get in the car. All right. Whatever. Calm down. Whatever. And then he started walking the wrong
00:58:29way. I go, where are you going? The door's that way. All right. We're going to say bye to Yasu.
00:58:36Calm down. So now he's saying bye to Yasu. All of a sudden I hear him. He goes, oh no,
00:58:43she did it again. I go, what? He goes, come look. So I go look. Now there's a dead rat on our lawn.
00:58:51Yeah. With his arms out. Like he's waiting for CSI to show up to draw the chalk.
00:58:56And I'm sitting there. I go, oh my God, are we living with a serial killer?
00:59:00Because she looks like a teddy bear, but I'm now I'm getting worried.
00:59:03And the next day I saw her walking in the backyard with a little dead baby bird in her mouth.
00:59:09I go, holy shit. She's not a teddy bear. She's teddy Bundy.
00:59:17So now I get the kids in the car to drive them to school. The one good thing about my son being
00:59:21spaced out when we're driving to school, he doesn't talk. He's in the backseat,
00:59:26just watching the trees go by. I have no idea what's on his mind. I have Yasu in the car
00:59:33because he's a pandemic puppy. You got to take her wherever you go. She's in the car pretending
00:59:38to sleep, but definitely plotting her next kill. My daughter Mila is in the front seat at 730 in
00:59:46the morning. She will not stop talking about shit that I do not care about.
00:59:53730 in the morning. I'm hungover from the night before my daughter. Daddy,
00:59:57did you know that Ariana Grande was Italian? I thought she was Latina. Did you know that?
01:00:01Did you know that Billie Eilish has a brother named Finnegan Eilish? Billie Eilish, Finnegan
01:00:04Eilish, 18 Grammys. Did you know Ed Sheeran? I'm driving. I go, I don't know what the fuck
01:00:11you're talking about, but you're my daughter. So I'll just keep smiling and nodding.
01:00:16I don't know where she gets the energy. I don't know if the night before when my daughter's
01:00:20sleeping, somebody just winds her up the whole night. So when she wakes up in the morning,
01:00:25she's like, Daddy, did you know that? By the time we get to school, I'm so exhausted.
01:00:34They get out of the car. I turn on the radio. The news says the world
01:00:38is coming to an end. I look in the sky. I go, thank God.
01:00:42Oh my God. You guys are beautiful.
01:00:55I got one more story I want to tell you. So this happened. We took the kids to a sleepaway camp.
01:01:01Have you heard of sleepaway camp? For those of you who don't know, sleepaway camp is where you
01:01:04get to drop your kids off for a week and just have a life. Oh, it's the best thing in the
01:01:10world. And we signed them up for what we thought was a parkour camp. Have you heard of parkour?
01:01:16Again, for those of you who don't know, parkour is where kids learn to climb up
01:01:19walls and shit. Like tough kids learn to fight, my kids learn to escape.
01:01:26I told them, you're ever in trouble, hop, skip, jump, jazz hands, get out of there.
01:01:31The jazz hands confuse the assailant. So guys, we got in the car with our two kids,
01:01:38Dara, Mila. We started driving out of LA, 10 east, east, east, one hour out, 14 north, Lancaster,
01:01:44two hours out. All of a sudden, I look around. I go, it's not very diverse out here.
01:01:50Then I keep looking. I go, there's a lot of American flags out here. Don't get me wrong.
01:01:55I like the American flag. But when I see too many, I get a little worried.
01:02:01Right? Like if you guys, you go to the airport, you see one Muslim, you'll be like, hey buddy,
01:02:04what's going on? You see a bunch of us, you'll be like, no really, what's going on?
01:02:10You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, Blake?
01:02:14Guys, we got to the camp. It wasn't a parkour camp. It was a skateboarding camp.
01:02:19Yeah, with parkour as a side activity. So it was a bunch of white skate rats. Yeah, brah, shaka shaka brah.
01:02:28And I'm walking around with Dara, and Dara has darker skin, right? Because of his Indian
01:02:32background. And Dara's looking around and goes, daddy, I think I'm the only person of color here.
01:02:37I go, don't worry about it, buddy. You'll blend in. This is your chance to make some new friends.
01:02:42This is your chance to meet people you normally wouldn't. I said, well, check in with you.
01:02:46So we left them. I call him the next day. I go, hey, buddy, how's it going? He goes, um,
01:02:56they're calling me Abdul. Oh no. I go, is that it? He goes, they told me to go back to Africa.
01:03:05I go, that's the wrong continent. And then I got so upset, I started texting him comebacks.
01:03:10I go, go to the whitest kid and be like, whatever, Casper the friendly ghost.
01:03:15Dara goes, who's Casper the friendly ghost? My wife goes, you idiot, you can't give him a comeback
01:03:20from an eighties cartoon. So then I asked him, I said, Dara, what did you say back to them?
01:03:26He goes, I told them I'm going to blow up their house. I go, way to go, Abdul. I'm proud of you
01:03:38guys. I'm Maz Jobrani. That's the show. Thank you, Comedy Store. Thank you, Missy Shore.
01:03:45Thank you, Comedy Store. Thank you guys. Beautiful people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
01:04:09It's not even that big of a crowd to get tape. If it were a good crowd, I would want you guys
01:04:13to tape it so I could get that tape to this Aspen guy. But it's not a big crowd. So I might
01:04:18have to leave my material, work the crowd, do some bunt jokes and stuff. And it won't necessarily be
01:04:25my set about me, which is what I want the Aspen guys. And that's a gamble too. Maybe he comes out
01:04:31one night and there's not a good crowd. Then I'm screwed again because I got to work the crowd.
01:04:34I can't get up there and just do my material about myself. People are just sitting there
01:04:38looking at you. So that's it. Good. So let me go find out where they are. Who? In terms of the lineup.
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