- 1 year ago
Mr. Khan's funniest moments of series 1
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00:00This is too many. It's not too many. We're always running out because you like to use too much
00:07You only ever need a little bit look this too much this too much this just right
00:15Nobody ever needs to use more than that
00:18Why do you have to make such a fuss about toilet tissue because it costs money?
00:22And I'm paying this bloody wedding. Don't forget. It is my big day dad more like big four days
00:28Why do our weddings have to take so long?
00:31Maybe we should have an English wedding 20 minutes in registry office cucumber sandwich cup of tea. Thank you for coming. Bye. Bye
00:38The shame what will the Malik say chillax?
00:42I'm only joking luckily for you. You are married to a Pakistani businessman
00:49Dad you're such a cheapskate. It's embarrassing. I want no back chat from anyone. She has to look pretty for the wedding
00:56These dresses are so beautiful
01:08Why are you always talking about bloody expensive dresses a man doesn't care what his bride is wearing
01:14He'll love you more for saving money
01:17You know when I married your mother the first thing I thought when I saw her was wow she looks bloody cheap
01:26In a good way, can I just ask one thing shoot who the hell are you?
01:33Sorry, I'm Dave on the new mosque manager. Well, what happened to mr. Karachi he's tied up under the desk
01:39No
01:41only kidding
01:42Mr. Qureshi has taken early retirement. All right. Well
01:46Congratulations and welcome on board and you are mr. Khan commuter leader. Mr. Qureshi must have mentioned me. Oh, yes
01:54You mr. Khan
01:57Now I need to talk to you about booking the mosque for my daughter's wedding. Oh your daughter's getting married. Congratulations. Thank you
02:04You must be very proud
02:08Now I need to book it on this date
02:12Okay, I'll check the diary what for to see if I have a window I'm telling you about my daughter's wedding
02:18I'm not asking you out for dinner
02:20You had a very nice man, but I play with a straight back. You know what I mean?
02:25Oh
02:26No, oh
02:28We're booked up that day. You can't be check again. No, definitely booked. What do you know who I am?
02:34Hello, mr. Khan community leader next president of Sparkle Pakistani Business Association
02:42I'm sorry, right? That's it. I want to speak to the proper manager. I am the proper manager
02:48You know what? I mean the proper manager proper
02:52The brown
02:55I see what you're saying. It's okay. I get this a lot. I am a Muslim. I'm a convert, right?
03:00I'm not trying to be funny made but he can't be a proper Muslim music because I'm white because you're ginger
03:14What's that got to do with this you gingers are very different to the rest of us
03:19Not so calm
03:21freckly freckly skin
03:23Scottish I'm not Scottish you drink. Oh, I used to you Scottish. I
03:29Think you might be being a teeny bit racist. Mr. Khan me. I'm Asian. You are white. I'm racial
03:36It is more racist. You're calling me racist
03:40But anyway, you can't go around impersonating mosque managers
03:44It's forbidden in the Quran
03:46Is it well if it isn't it should be?
03:50It's the sacred word of God never to be taken lightly look I've made my declaration of faith
03:56I observed the five pillars and anyway, doesn't the Quran teach us that everybody is born a Muslim and so in fact
04:02I don't take it so seriously
04:06Look just get me in there and nobody needs to know
04:10I'm really sorry. Mr. Khan, but the mosque is booked. Look Dave
04:15You put me in a very difficult position
04:18What am I supposed to say to my wife and daughter I'm sure they'll understand you haven't met my wife and daughter
04:24I'm gonna be late now. Oh
04:27Look at this bloody paper complaining about immigration again. I don't know why you buy that paper because I agree with it
04:35Too many bloody immigrants coming to this country
04:39You're an immigrant dad. I'm not an immigrant sweetie. I've been here 30 years
04:44immigrants are the Eastern Europeans
04:47Coming over here taking our jobs jobs meant for us Pakistanis
04:53All right British Pakistanis
04:56So we are British not Pakistani look
05:00We work hard we go to mosque. We pray to Allah five times a day. How much more British can you get?
05:08Where's my tea I've got to go
05:10Oh
05:12There's no milk in my time, ah, we've run out nanny had the last of it she likes milky chai
05:17I can think of one immigrant. I'd like to say no
05:27She's cold turn up the heating it's already on max what does she want me to do set fire to her salwar
05:35Be nice to her it's her birthday
05:38I'm making a special cake for her party tonight. The whole thing is a big surprise. So don't spoil it
05:44You don't a surprise at all much. You might finish it off
05:49Have you got any party poppers
05:52Right, it's simple I just need to tell mrs. Khan that her mother is at the bottom of the Birmingham and Faisley can I
05:58Sure, the police are still trawling and they haven't found anything yet. Yes, you're right. We don't really know what's happened
06:04She might be absolutely fine exactly for all we know she could be in the cafe marks and Spencer's having a cup of tea
06:09with a bag full of cardigans
06:11The main thing is we have to be very sensitive when we break the news to mrs. Khan. Yes
06:16Do you want to do it? I
06:19Think it would be better coming from you, right?
06:21You have to sit her down and then give her time to digest the news in a quiet place where she feels safe and calm
06:29Okay
06:34Where's the birthday girl what where's nanny Jan what is she outside? What? Why don't you bring her in we've been waiting for ages
06:41I don't think we should bring her in here with all this jumping up and everyone making noise
06:45It's a surprise party. Bring her in Papa G in a minute, sweetie. She's here, isn't she?
06:51Hmm, why won't you bring her in? He's done something. I knew it. He's already in the room
06:57He's already in the room. He's already in the room. He's already in the room
07:01He's done something I knew it he's always doing something is she late yes, how late very
07:10Nanny's very late. She's the late nanny
07:16Yes
07:17Yes
07:18Maybe where's nanny?
07:21Hello, sweetie. Why don't you sit down? Why I'm coming to that but first one question about nanny
07:28I can't remember. Was she a good swimmer?
07:33What's that got to do with anything never mind
07:37the thing is
07:38There comes a time when we must bid farewell to our loved ones
07:44There are the good innings, but when the great umpire in the sky shows you the finger
07:50It's time to take that long walk back to the pavilion
07:54Nanny got canal board guard for 80 and she is
08:08There like a thief stupid 37 bus
08:10Oh
08:21What are you doing help me push the beds together what why?
08:26So you can do your duty like a good husband should
08:31But it's not my birthday for another three months, I'm making space next to the sink so you can fix it. Oh
08:38Oh
08:39Thank God for that
08:42Have you thought any more about where we're going on our holidays this year your husband is a very busy man my darling
08:48Haven't got time to think about holidays today is the AGM at the mosque, and I've got an item on the agenda good
08:56The renaming of the community room you know I think it needs to be something that represents all the people of Spark Hill
09:02I'm going to suggest they name it mr.. Khan community leaders community room and corporate hospitality suite VIP only
09:10That's you know this will be our last year together as a family before Shazia gets married
09:15We should do something special something exotic. What's wrong with normal holiday
09:20Staying with your cousin in Bradford not exotic
09:24What about staying at cousins in Oldham?
09:28Why don't we splash out use our rainy day money
09:32You're forgetting one thing about rainy day money my darling. What's that? It's for any day
09:38You have to think of the future we are fit and healthy now
09:41But what happens when you're an old lady, and you can't look after yourself anymore hmm hmm exactly
09:46We're gonna have to pay for someone to come in
09:50To cook my dinner
09:54And iron my shirts
09:57You see mrs. Khan head for thinking feet for dancing
10:02But mr.. Malik takes mrs.. Malik to lovely places. Do you know where he's taking her this year Dubai?
10:09Three weeks just the two of them. I don't know who to feel more sorry for
10:15My god, we ever go somewhere like that Bradford's better than Dubai
10:20How is Bradford better than Dubai more Muslims?
10:23Okay, then why don't we go somewhere closer to home? I know let's go back to great Yarmouth
10:29You remember we had our special holiday there. No
10:33It was just after we were married and we stayed in that rickety old caravan. I can't remember
10:39Yes, you can it poured with rain, but we were up all night anyway. Oh
10:45Yes, of course
10:48What a night that was
10:50Of course what a night that was
10:55Pakistan were playing India I
10:59Mean listen for two hours on my transistor radio
11:03Yes, and then and then Pakistan won
11:07the best night of my life
11:10You know
11:13It's a Muslim religious study camp so what you think Muslims don't do tank tank
11:19Because let me tell you mrs. Khan they certainly do
11:23Islam is not the fastest growing religion in the world for nothing Muslims all over the world are doing tank tank left right and center
11:31Maybe some of them
11:33Alia is young and vulnerable one of us needs to talk to her
11:36Okay, one of us needs to go in there and explain everything about you know
11:43We need to warn her of the dangers lurking out there in the real world
11:47It's a disaster waiting to happen
11:49Someone could take advantage of her her life could be ruined forever
11:53You're right. I think you should tell her
11:58She'll probably be fine
12:02Yeah, my dad said I can go I know I can't believe it and there's an amazing club near the campsite
12:08It's gonna be wicked
12:17Hello sweetie
12:19How's it going?
12:20Good good
12:22What are you reading the history of Islam? Oh, I want to read that don't tell me how it ends there
12:33Sweetie I need to talk to you about something very important. Okay, Papa G now
12:38I know your head is filled only with God and studies right now
12:42But one day you realize there are other things in the world like boys
12:47Okay, but what you have to remember is is that boys are not like girls. I don't know. No
12:54Boys are bad
12:56They only have one thing on their minds. What's that?
13:03Cricket
13:05I
13:10Don't like cricket I know and that's good
13:14but one day you might decide that you do like
13:18cricket I
13:20Don't think so. It's dead boring. You're right it is
13:25But one day you might meet somebody let's say a boy and he's really into the cricket
13:30And he might try and get you to watch and you might think well, there's no harm in watching
13:35But then he shows you his bat
13:41And his pets and his helmet
13:47And the next thing you know, the covers are off
13:51You're letting him play on your pitch
13:53And you've been caught out by his googly
13:57You see
14:00Good you know, I thought that is going to be difficult
14:05But it was actually very easy
14:08Mr. Khan welcome sir. Hello Dave
14:14What are you doing we are changing the toner cartridge
14:17I think some people have been abusing the system. You're supposed to put money in the tin whenever you use it
14:23Someone's not been paying up terrible. You can't trust anyone these days
14:28I
14:30Gonna be long why I need to use the office when I go to prayer auditions. You're having them in here
14:35This is my office Dave. This is the Azan we're talking about
14:40It's a little bit more important than the bloody photocopier surely an even more important thing would be to have the Azan 24 hours a day
14:46We should be lobbying the council to let us
14:4924 hours a day. This isn't an all-night petrol station
14:53This is the house of God, but the Azan is actually quite important
14:57Yes, but in the middle of the night, it wakes you up. You're supposed to wake you up. It's the call to prayer
15:04Look
15:05All these gimmicky things. It's not what being a Muslim is all about. It's not your fault. You're new
15:11You're on this sort of Muslim YTS scheme
15:15You're not expected to understand everything straightaway look it's a big issue
15:19A lot of our young people are quite worked up about it. Is it what about my shoes?
15:24I'm a family man with responsibilities. My daughter's getting married. I'm like the lion at the head of the pride back home
15:31We have a saying
15:33Every morning when the gazelle wakes up, he must run faster than the lion or he will be killed
15:39When the lion wakes he must outrun the gazelle or he will starve
15:45Whether you are a gazelle
15:47Or a lion when the Sun comes up you better be running
15:59What the hell is that
16:03You said the thing about the lion right go on how do you go I've got a set up
16:08Mr. Khan, this is my office. All right, Dave as we say in Pakistan keep your knickers on
16:15You
16:17Can stay in here you can be on the panel. No, I don't think you really
16:22Yes, you look like you know a thing or two about performing arts. You gingers are quite exotic
16:30Well, I did do a drama module at Walsall Technical College, there you go people still talk about my Titus Andronicus
16:36What we could be a showbiz couple like Lennon and McCartney yes or like Rod Hall and emu
16:45Come on, how do you go? Hey, maybe Ria should go for it. He loves singing. Don't you Riaz? Oh, yes
16:50I do a lot of karaoke. I like Shania Twain
16:55Man, I feel like a woman
16:58No, thank you
17:01Put these in your phone shop, maybe even stick some up on the walls
17:04Eh, I'm not sure I'm allowed to what of course you are, but I might get into trouble
17:10Anjad this is the Azan we're talking about we get our rewards in heaven. Remember for mobile phone sales
17:19Yes, kind of allies the ultimate service provider
17:24Yes, I suppose he is, you know, he gives us unlimited talk time always a good signal and pray as you go
17:34What network is he on?
17:37O2
17:39Makes sense. So, you know allies on our side
17:43We're doing this for the mosque for the community and for God and all that
17:47Okay, you know, we're a team you and me everyone else better watch out
17:52What about my promotion? Oh, I can help you with some practice questions
17:56Once you've been probed by me, you'll be ready for anything. I
18:02Don't think I've got the time
18:18I can slobbery ass looking forward to the big game. Oh, yes. I love the cricket good boy
18:24What about you big fan of the cricket? We don't have a cricket in my country
18:28Of course, you are football is the became in Somalia the ocean stars and the national team
18:35Unfortunately become a player in the matches at home because of the terrible civil war which is still going on
18:40You see even he loves it
18:43I'm going to listen to it on my radio. What is it in the dark ages? We got TV nowadays
18:49I'm gonna watch it in the office. They got a big one in there. Oh, what about this? Don't worry about him
18:54This is gonna be great
18:59Salam alaikum. Hello Dave
19:02How are you today? My brother? Well for a starters, I'm not your brother
19:06Seriously Dave I've told you this before what part of I'm not your brother. Don't you understand?
19:12I just thought we're getting to know each other now and we are you know, we get on pretty well
19:16We do and you call me Dave. So maybe I should call you. Mr. Khan, right?
19:22How are you today, mr. Khan fine, thank you Dave now, where's the TV what you want the TV for to watch the cricket
19:31We're all watching it, aren't we boys? Oh, yes
19:34Pakistan's in there
19:38Right, well I was just trying to sort out all these old books for the mosque children's book club the what it's a new thing
19:45My idea actually, I thought it'd be a good way of attracting in new members new members
19:50This is a mosque Dave not LA Fitness
19:54And this is no good the three little pigs
20:00When Muslim day remember
20:04I suppose I could always do it later. I may be a man of God these days
20:08But I'm still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow
20:16Crickets, all right. Well, that's the spirit. Yeah being a Muslim isn't just about growing beads and reading the Quran, you know
20:24Isn't it? Oh
20:26No, it's the whole package culture commodity cricket the three C's exactly
20:34A
20:36Reception is not great. I'm afraid what sir if you twiddle the aerial a bit you can usually get something
20:41What the hell is that? It's the TV. That's not a TV. That's a bloody microwave
20:49The big one oh
20:50We got rid of it quite a few of the women's group raised objections. See this is the difference between English men's and
20:58Pakistani man's in Pakistani community man is in charge king of the castle. We mean some more like dirty rascal
21:06You don't get rid of the TV just because women say so you think I got teeny tiny TV in my house
21:11I got brand new 42 inch plasma hi-fi death jumps around a Sunday
21:17You can't expect us to watch a cricket on that thing it is a conundrum conundrum a bloody disaster
21:24What to do we could watch it at yours what we were thinking we could watch it on your new television
21:30We could but right I'll do me like a boy's night out. Hang on Dave. I thought you had the 42 inch around the soundy
21:36Yes, I have so what's the problem? You don't have the surrounding soundy. Yes, but that's settled
21:40Then we're watching it at yours, right? Fine. No problem. We'll watch it at mine
21:48I love being a Muslim
21:51What are you doing here? I thought I'd come back and help with your lady spray thing like good modern husband
21:56Okay, but all of the ladies have arrived. They're in the living room brilliant perfect
22:01What you know excellent that everyone is here for your very special thing. I think mr.
22:06Shafiq will appreciate it. Don't you you worry too much?
22:09She'll love it. I'd only regret would be she doesn't have more husbands who could die so she could do it all over again. I
22:16Hope so
22:19What do you think does it seem calm yes
22:24Good because we'll be praying and reading from the Quran. I know that should be an atmosphere of quiet contemplation. Look, it's fine
22:31I just bloody told you
22:33my sweetie darling
22:35Everything will be calm and peaceful and wonderful. Okay, you promise of course you have my word
22:49Oh
22:54Not in there this way
22:58And keep quiet
23:00What is it the missus? No, of course not. It's the neighbor. He's white if we make too much noise
23:06He'll think I brought the family over from the villages
23:09Are you going to put your lucky pads on later?
23:12Who should I be cheering for by the way England or Pakistan? It's a very interesting question Dave
23:18On one hand you have the third world backward country home to many millions of poor Muslims and the other hand. Yeah, Pakistan
23:27Right, I am English though. So you are Muslim now Dave you have to support Pakistan. It's God's team
23:34What about Bangladesh? Don't be stupid
23:37What's the problem?
23:39Computers not working. Oh
23:42This is the problem with you gingers very little patience
23:47It's this new spreadsheet programmer, I thought it might streamline the mosque's booking system, but it keeps crashing
23:53Maybe it has a virus like my uncle. He cut it from a goat
23:59Not like that they were just good friends
24:03All right, come on get out the way let me take a look right
24:09So
24:10Every time I open up the spreadsheet thing it starts out
24:13Okay, and then the whole lot just seems to freeze and nothing seems to
24:18work and
24:21What are you doing googling, mr. Jarvis
24:26But I see how that's gonna solve the problem I didn't say I could solve the problem
24:31You know, this computer should really only be used for mosque business. Mr. Khan. Well, I go to the mosque and this is my business
24:37Good one
24:40And I need you to post this for me too, what is it wedding invitation mrs. Khan has suddenly remembered another best friend
24:48The power vase family. Yes, they used to live next door to us had the boy with the funny eye
24:54There's no stamp on it so again, it's not really mosque business is it mr. Khan, you know Dave all this penny-pinching
25:01It's a pretty unattractive trade
25:04Mr. Jarvis, oh
25:07Mr. Jarvis Salam alaikum
25:09Walaikum salam. I'm not interrupting. Am I not at all? I'm all yours
25:15Actually, it's a Dave. I wanted to speak to
25:18Got some posts
25:20SPBA business, of course, mr. Jarvis. No stamps. I'm afraid not a problem
25:26Mr. Jarvis, uh-huh. Yes, I wanted to invite you to my daughter's wedding
25:32Yeah, all you and the family
25:34I've got an invitation right here. I was going to put it in the post, but now that you're here a
25:40Thank you. We'd be delighted really
25:45Office good office. Let me get the door. Oh
25:49Goodbye. What a man. I thought that the invitation was for the man with the cross-eyed children
25:55Mr. Jarvis is a very important man. It'd be a great honor to have it. My daughter's wedding. Do you think mrs?
26:02Khan will see it that way, of course
26:05But don't tell her why not
26:07Dave
26:08What you have to understand is that in Pakistani marriage husband is in charge
26:13He's the boss and he can do whatever he wants
26:16but sometimes it's best not to tell the wife what he's done because she would never understand and only worry and fuss and
26:23Make him sleep on the downstairs sofa
26:25And I've got the sparking women's day group coffee morning next Tuesday
26:29How am I supposed to spend more time listening to your own daughter instead of your gossipy mates? Who was that?
26:36Just Dave
26:37Amjad and Imran pervades his uncle. Oh my god
26:40Why is this happening to me because you and Imran wonky I were up in your room doing biology practicals
26:48But we weren't I keep telling you that's not what we've heard from who
26:52Has come from what kind of an idiot would start a rumor like that a
26:59Very nice idiot who loves you very much
27:03Dad but it's okay Betty. I didn't believe it for a moment because you made it all up. Oh, yes
27:11You made it up, huh?
27:15Why
27:16Well, I was going to invite the pervades is like you wanted but then I bumped into mr.
27:22Javed you see and are you telling me that you invented an imaginary love affair for your own daughter?
27:28Just so you could invite some business contact who we don't even know to a wedding
27:35Let's not get bogged down with who said what to who the good news is I was lying
27:45Yes, and now you're going to tell the truth
27:48You are going to go in there and tell everyone what you've done and clear Shazia's name
27:52And then I'll be able to show my face at the Sparkle Women's Day group coffee morning next Tuesday, but go
27:59Okay, what so I didn't snog Imran pervades. So now there's no scandal and everything's okay again. Is that it?
28:06Yes, yes
28:08What if I did go out with Imran pervades?
28:11What if I went out with Imran pervades and then I moved on to his brothers?
28:14All right, because if it's funny I
28:17What if I went out with half of Spark Hill would that matter to you? Which half are we talking about?
28:23That's not the point. Don't you see my body is my own. It doesn't belong to anyone else
28:28I can do what I want with it. It shouldn't matter to Amjad what I've done in the past and it shouldn't matter to you
28:35either
28:36She's right. Is she?
28:38Of course
28:41We are parents we should support her no matter what. Oh
28:45I'm so sorry, baby. I don't deserve to have such a wonderful daughter
28:50Mom, you're so smart and pretty and kind
29:00Don't interrupt us sweetie
29:08You
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