00:00sometimes I don't feel like a real man right like I'm a real man like I got
00:04real man parts and shit but I don't feel like a real man like I feel like I don't
00:07have enough no no no you have to say that now don't act like that like I'm
00:11not kidding you know I got it but I feel like I don't have enough tools ties and
00:17dress socks to be a real man I feel like any real man I know has a lot of tools a
00:20lot of ties and a lot of dress socks where do you get all those tools from
00:23someone was like you get those tools for gifts I was like if anyone ever bought
00:28me $200 worth of tools I'd be like return them and get me four PlayStation
00:31games I don't need tools I have three tools I have a Phillips screwdriver I
00:36have a flathead screwdriver and I use my girlfriend's pliers you know how
00:42emasculated it is when your lady's like did you put my pliers back I was like I
00:46was gonna use them again she's like just put my stuff back I'm saying this one
00:50night I'm in Boston and the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me after a
00:52show happened this lady follows me to the car after the show she goes excuse
00:56me comedian excuse me honey you don't have a hammer you don't have a hammer
01:01honey and I said what she said on stage you didn't say you had a hammer you
01:05don't have a hammer and I didn't have the heart to tell her I own a home I
01:08have a hammer but I just went with it I was like no I don't have a hammer she
01:11goes oh my god give me a second this lady runs to her car she comes back she
01:18goes I always keep two hammers in my car honey you gotta have a hammer I took the
01:23hammers and I threw them in my trunk and I started laughing because I thought
01:27about this lady going back to her car making a call hello babe yeah I got rid
01:33of the hammer mm-hmm yeah I gave it to the black guy handle first we're good to
01:41go who takes a hammer from somebody in the
01:45parking lot late at night tonight when we're all finished I got a wicker
01:52basket out back I'm collecting ice picks so just drop them in the bathroom
01:55out back stupid can you be I'm just not a handy guy like I'm like I'm not that
02:03dude I got people always want to fix stuff you should knock that wall down
02:06you can see from the kitchen right into the living room I'm good walking around
02:10the wall I'm not knocking knocking nothing down it's a lot of pressure with
02:17stuff in the wall listen you want to feel less manly you ever have a guy
02:20knock on a wall near you he knows where everything is he's like you hear the
02:23difference the studs are right here you hear that if there's a lot of people
02:31around I'm like yeah I hear it but I'm telling you never hear it it just sounds
02:36like somebody's beating up a wall who taught this man where the studs were by
02:42knocking this is it like like like here's a secret you might not know 85
02:48thumbtacks will hold your TV up for five minutes it'll fall soon after but
02:56for a little bit you'd be like look what I did right here I hit the wires
03:02sometimes as a man you have to admit if a man is more manly you you have a guy
03:06stand in front of your car and make the engine rev from the front it's not a big
03:13deal to me I'm like he's a wizard what's he touching the head gasket the
03:18catalytic converter what's he touching I don't even know if that's the right
03:21stuff I just know that's under the hood you ever see him he's like don't touch
03:27the gas boss I got it like I want to know what's under his fingernails looks
03:33like he's been digging graves with his bare hands and cutting portobello
03:35mushrooms all night what's under your nails I work hard that's what's under my
03:39nails I'm like you need to work harder cleaning your fingernails looks like
03:42you got a French manicure with black tips clean it up that's gross my friend
03:48Mike is like that every time I go to his house like you want something to drink
03:51I'm like yeah he's like you want some ice I'm like don't touch my ice can I
03:55have one drink at your house without crude oil in it how come everything I
03:58drink over as a rainbow film at the top what is that he's like that'll make you
04:02tough I'm like that'll make you dead that's oil
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