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00:00Bowsette's Princess Lessons Chapter 2 Part 1
00:04THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR
00:05By Yu Mei
00:06Oh, Bowser!
00:07You are the turtle of my dream!
00:10I'm so lucky to be marrying you!
00:12squealed Princess Peach, trembling with joy in her virginal, white wedding dress.
00:17Bowser heard her voice as though it was from a galaxy away, yet here was her dainty little
00:22hand in his, awaiting the wedding ring.
00:24Peach, my love!
00:26My queen!
00:27With this ring I thee wed!
00:30Just before Bowser could put the ring in place, Peach delicately lifted her ring finger, as
00:35if playing keep away from the wedding ring.
00:37Oh, Bowsie!
00:38Silly, you have to read your vows first.
00:41You did remember to bring them, didn't you?
00:44Bowser felt butterflies launch a nuclear warhead in his stomach.
00:48My vows!
00:49Why, of course I have them!
00:52Right here in my tuxedo jacket!
00:55Bowser pulled a stack of papers and cleared his throat, only to discover they were in
00:59fact the rough draft for the book report he forgot to turn in ten years ago, during his
01:04senior year at Koopa Tech.
01:06Oh, no!
01:07Without this, I can't graduate!
01:11They'll take away my bachelor's degree!
01:13Oh, Professor Coloredo!
01:16Are you here?
01:17I need to turn in my assignment!
01:20In a panic, Bowser stomped away from the altar, only for Peach to stop him, her voice
01:26deepening.
01:27No, darling.
01:28I've waited so long.
01:29Quickly, say your vows before that fuzzy-lipped simp Mario shows up and spoils everything.
01:35You must have your vows somewhere.
01:37At the sight of his true love, Bowser melted.
01:40Of course!
01:41For you, my perfect Peachy Pookie, I would even sacrifice my degree and pray modern Mushroom
01:48Kingdom art and poetry.
01:50Now as for the vows, I recall I put them in my pants.
01:56Pocket!
01:57Bowser reached for the back pocket of his pants, only to discover that he had forgotten
02:01to wear pants.
02:03Hey, the Emperor has no pants, cried a small Goomba child, and everyone laughed.
02:09Over the din, Bowser caught the unmistakable sound of two, terrible, wussy Italian accents.
02:16Mario and Luigi were doubled over in fits of giggles.
02:19Look, Mario!
02:20Bowser's pants have gone bye-bye!
02:22Ha-ha!
02:23Arrivederci!
02:24Howled, Luigi.
02:26Mario wiped away tears, between gasps.
02:29Yeah, Luigi, if I were his pants, I'd probably say, so long, gay Bowser!
02:35Steam billowed from Bowser's nostrils.
02:37Hey, no fair!
02:39Do you know how hard it is to find 10 XL pants, with holes for a tail?
02:45Bowser!
02:46You need to wake up, now, whispered a strange, faraway voice, right in Bowser's ear.
02:52The King of the Koopas flinched, and turned to discover Peach was the speaker, only something
02:57was wrong.
02:58Her eyebrows were thicker now.
03:00You!
03:01You're not my Peaches!
03:03Who are you?
03:05The not-Peach flashed a wicked, shark-like smile.
03:09I am you, of course, as the former bride-to-be opened her mouth, Bowser felt fear, like he'd
03:15never known since he'd escaped from his ex-wife.
03:17No!
03:18Stay away from me!
03:21The horrible bride cackled as she grew larger.
03:25Wake up, you fool!
03:27Bowser tried to run, but his legs only moved in slow motion.
03:31He was floating closer and closer to her wide-open jaws.
03:35She was going to devour him alive.
03:38Bowser shot up, feeling something large catch in his throat, gagging him with a burning,
03:43bitter taste.
03:44Slamming his chest, he hacked until it came up, and spat out a green mushroom, which bounced
03:49with a wet slap against the floor.
03:52His head was throbbing, and he thought he heard phantom musical notes ringing inside
03:56his skull.
03:58Groaning, Bowser examined the thing that had nearly choked him.
04:02It was a one-up mushroom?
04:04A short, female toad with pink clothes and ponytails gasped.
04:08Thank goodness, I was worried there for a second.
04:12Gee, uh, he must have his head harder than I thought.
04:16Bowser didn't know Toadette by name, but he dimly remembered shoving her out of the way
04:20once or twice during his previous attempts to kidnap Princess Peach.
04:24Another voice snorted.
04:26It was Mario.
04:27Humph!
04:28Waste of a perfectly good light shroom, if you ask.
04:31Watch out!
04:32Toadette!
04:33Still seeing stars, Bowser lunged forward, only to smack his face against sturdy iron
04:38bars.
04:39Mario grasped the young woman by the shoulders and pulled her back from the bars, using his
04:44back to shield her from Bowser's sharp fingernails.
04:47FINGERNAILS!
04:48thought Bowser, looking at his own, unfamiliar, five-fingered claws.
04:53He no longer knew the back of his hand.
04:55A husky female voice chimed in, and Bowser noticed it was Princess Daisy.
05:00Are we even sure this bimbo is Bowser?
05:03Maybe that cry-maggot did some weird time-travel inter-dimensional distortion baloney.
05:09Resting his aching skull against the bars, fighting back the urge to wretch, Bowser twisted
05:14to find the speaker.
05:16Oh, Princess Doozy, uh, why is the tombo here?
05:19I hate tomboys.
05:22Still in the surreal mental state between dreaming and wakefulness, Bowser felt his
05:26throat, not recognizing his own voice right away.
05:30He was still a woman?
05:31But no, that was just a terrible nightmare.
05:34He'd woken up to find it was his wedding day to Princess Peach, hadn't he?
05:39The headache, the awful taste in his mouth, the heavy weight on his chest, it was all
05:44too much.
05:46With a groan, Bowser pulled his head away from the bars of his cell, spotted a green
05:50toilet, and stumbled forward to puke into it, though not in time.
05:54Blow hard, but do weep?
05:56The contents of his stomach spilled on the once-pristine stone floor, but he managed
06:01to get a single drop of spittle into the toilet.
06:04Bowser turned and spotted a cozy-looking fold-out bed.
06:07Only wanting to end this nightmare and return to his beautiful dream, Bowser stumbled forward
06:13and collapsed onto the bed.
06:15After all, if he was in Dreamworld, going to sleep would get him back to reality, right?
06:20I am a genius, gasped Bowser as he pressed his face into the pillows, but it didn't work.
06:27Instead of finding himself in the tender bosom of his newlywed wife, Bowser's brain finally
06:32woke up.
06:33With a groan, Bowser buried his face in the pillow, perfectly aware that there was no
06:38escape from this nightmare, but entirely too exhausted to face it.
06:42Five more minutes, mommy! he whined.
06:45Princess Peach ignored Bowser's fussing and turned her attention to her friends.
06:49No, Daisy, I'm pretty sure that's our Bowser.
06:52That's how he introduced himself, though that bit about being Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom
06:56was suspicious.
06:58Luigi, apart from Mario and myself, you've had the most experience dealing with Bowser.
07:03What do you think?
07:04Luigi blushed, tickled to have Peach compliment him.
07:08Daisy noticed and beamed, happy to see him so happy.
07:12Luigi straightened his posture and coughed, importantly.
07:15Well, your highness, we know Bowser's used some cunning tricks in the past.
07:20There was the time he had his twin brother fight us.
07:23Remember that, Mario?
07:25But Mario didn't take his steely gaze off of Bowser for an instant.
07:29It's definitely Bowser.
07:31Luigi, you do not know what the trick is.
07:33Maybe it's something like the magic paintbrush Bowser Jr. used to impersonate and frame me.
07:38But whatever it is, I'd know that we'd both anywhere.
07:42Bowser growled once, before remembering his escape plan to fall asleep.
07:46Peach examined Bowser pensively.
07:48I agree.
07:49Mario, but even the magic brush couldn't produce an illusion that perfect.
07:54It's got to be the chrome, but why hasn't the effect worn off?
07:57Luigi stroked his chin.
07:59Maybe it's like a power-up.
08:00Daisy slammed her fist into her open palm.
08:03Think if we work him over a bit he'd go back to normal.
08:07Toadette's eyes went wide with awe.
08:09Ooh.
08:11A new power-up?
08:12Your highness, may I volunteer to test it?
08:15If it can make Bowser look so pretty, imagine what it could do for one of us.
08:21Bowser groaned with humiliation at being reminded of his unwanted feminine assets.
08:26But Peach only shook her head.
08:28Thank you, payday, but I can't let you take that risk.
08:31The crown is suspicious enough.
08:33Even if you could get it off that monster's ugly head.
08:36Bowser moaned with sorrow at hearing his darling bride-to-be refer to him as a monster, lifting
08:42his head from the pillow.
08:44Peachy, chint, that's no way to speak to your husband.
08:47You're supposed to love, honor, and obey me.
08:51Daisy snapped and rattled the bars of Bowser's prison.
08:53Can it, you pig, you have some ball after all you've done to Peach.
08:57Why I ought to take you across, my man.
09:00Daisy's hair stood on end as she watched Bowser lift his head up from the pillow with a snarl
09:05and charge at her.
09:07But Daisy didn't back away from the prison cell, nor loosen her grip on the bars.
09:11Yeah!
09:12Bring it, you floozy!
09:15Daisy pulled back her fist, ready to aim a punch through the bars right at Bowser's chin.
09:20But before she could, she felt two, lanky, green arms wrap tightly around her torso and
09:25pull her away from the prison door.
09:27Hey, get off!
09:28Lemme at her!
09:29As Bowser flailed his arms through the bars, desperate to claw at Daisy, Mario caught Bowser
09:34by both wrists, and the two struggled for supremacy.
09:38Bowser tried to press forward, used to being able to easily knock aside brick walls, let
09:43alone Mario, but Mario's grip felt like a vice.
09:46With a snarl, Boswa suddenly pulled back, freeing his arms.
09:51Mario caught himself roughly as Bowser pulled him off balance.
09:54The two mortal foes made an immediate mental calculation.
09:58Despite his feminine form, Bowser was still well-muscled, but it was nothing like his
10:03former brawn.
10:04Bowser and Mario were now equally matched, at least in raw strength.
10:09As Daisy flailed, she thrust her elbow back and caught Luigi flat on the nose.
10:13Oh, Luigi, I'm sorry!
10:15Did I blow to your nose?
10:17Oh no, it is bleeding, poor Babby!
10:19Daisy!
10:20He, Bowser was gonna scratch you, I had no-
10:24But before Luigi could finish stammering out his answer, Daisy produced a handkerchief,
10:29and forcefully pinched his nose to stem the bleeding.
10:32You were worried about me, Weegee?
10:34That's so sweet, but don't worry, I can handle that bully!
10:37Say to Dad, hand me the key to the prisoner cell and cover your eyes, this will get ugly!
10:43Mrs. Peach gracefully, but assertively, intervened.
10:47Thank you, Daisy, but I'd like to be the one to handle this bully, alone!
10:51Daisy paused to process this information.
10:53Oh yeah, I respect that!
10:56He's your bully, this is your chance to face your fears!
10:59Cowboy up on your spurs!
11:01Well, I get it and you got it, I won't interfere in an affair of honor!
11:06Daisy was so excited, she waved her hand in a dramatic gesture of encouragement, only
11:11to realize she had released her pinch on Luigi's bloody nose and fumbled to stem the
11:16bleeding again.
11:17Peach exhaled, then curtsied to Daisy.
11:20Thank you for understanding, Daisy!
11:23But as Peach turned to face Bowser, she felt Daisy land a firm, reverberating slap across
11:28her rear end.
11:30The force of the smack made the bustle beneath Peach's dress wobble dangerously.
11:34Daisy flashed a toothy grin.
11:36Go get them champ in the making!
11:38Peach blushed, hoping Mario hadn't seen that, and also, half-hoping he had.
11:44Thanks, Daisy, I always appreciate your enthusiasm.
11:48And Peach meant it, sincerely.
11:51At this, Mario finally stepped back from his death stare contest with Bowser.
11:56Princess, you can't go in there with that monster!
11:59Don't be fooled by his womanish wiles, he's as bloodthirsty as ever!
12:03Don't worry, Mario dear, I have something I need to say to Bowser, but there's no need
12:08to say it with my fists.
12:10Peach glanced back, hoping Daisy would resist the urge to declare herself to be Peach's
12:14boxing coach again.
12:16Thankfully, Daisy was now too distracted by nursing Luigi's wounds to notice.
12:21Poor little Weegee!
12:22Were you going to fight Bowser to protect me?
12:25Don't you think I can fight my own battles?
12:28Luigi fought to speak, despite the clotted blood stuffing his nose.
12:32My head!
12:33That's so romantic!
12:35You knew Bowser could rip your arms off and beat you to death with them, but did that
12:39stop you?
12:40No way, you were ready to die a gruesome, painful death for me!
12:44That's what I love—oh, like about you, Luigi!
12:47People think you're a sniveling, fraidy cat, but what do they know?
12:51You may have nobly arms, but your real strength is in your heart, where it counts!
12:55Oh, better stop trying to talk, Weegee!
12:58Whoa!
12:59You've lost a lot of blood!
13:01Satisfied, Peach decided to leave Daisy to tend to her patient.
13:05With royal grace, she placed a shoulder on Mario's shoulder and gave him a glance that
13:10said more than words ever could.
13:12She was thanking him for all he had done, reminding him that she needed to face her
13:16foe alone, and promising him that she would be careful, all at once.
13:21Mario nodded and stood aside, though he still kept both eyes on Bowser.
13:26Peach's throat felt dry as she tried to get her prisoner's attention.
13:30It took an effort not to stutter.
13:32Bowser!
13:33As Bowser turned his attention from Mario to Peach, the princess saw the animal rage
13:38in the former king's eyes.
13:40The second Bowser laid eyes on Peach, his face melted to a simpering, salivating smile.
13:46It was only more haunting to see that look on a face that so closely mirrored her own.
13:51Despite Bowser's new, feminine appearance, Peach felt the same fear she always felt when
13:56Bowser kidnapped her.
13:58If anything, Bowser terrified her more when he was acting like a lovesick puppy.
14:03His fiery rages put the fear of God into his minions, but over the past few years, Peach
14:08had learned the performative tantrums were mostly for show.
14:12She'd even learned to sympathize with Bowser somewhat, but not because she held any delusions
14:16that he was secretly a nice guy, deep down.
14:20Deep down, Bowser was still just a bad guy, but he was the kind of bad guy who could occasionally
14:25be reasoned with, or cajoled, or cowed.
14:29Bowser pursed his beautiful, luscious lips.
14:31Peachy, baby, you're not gonna keep me here forever, are you?
14:35I have a wonderful honeymoon planned.
14:36I got concert tickets for Tokyo Cuban Boys Jr.
14:40You said you liked Latin jazz, remember?
14:42When we went to the beach?
14:43You mean when you're some traitor free Mario for vandalism and kidnapped me?
14:48All because you lied and told him that I was his mother.
14:51Bowser twiddled his thumbs sheepishly.
14:53It was not my finest dad moment, I'll admit.
14:55You have to understand, I was under a lot of stress at that time due to the divorce
14:59proceedings.
15:00I just wanted a sort of father-son bonding experience.
15:03But I finally did tell him the truth, that you're not his real mama, just his future
15:07step-mama.
15:08So, you see, it was more of a little white lie.
15:10Honesty is the best policy, as I always say, unless you're dealing with enemies, in which
15:15case lie for all you're worth.
15:17But you're not my enemy, Peach.
15:19Suddenly, Bowser's apologetic manner evaporated as he clawed to reach Mario.
15:25I'll tell you who the real enemy is.
15:27It's Mario.
15:28He's the one who always spoils our happily ever after.
15:31Sensing that Mario was ready to spring into action, Peach took a single step between Bowser
15:36and Mario's line of sight, trusting Mario to keep his cool.
15:39No, Bowser, that's not true.
15:41Mario is my, my dear, dear friend.
15:44Why can't you see that?
15:45Can't we be friends too, Bowser?
15:48Peach heard Mario's intake of breath.
15:50She knew what he was thinking.
15:52Offering friendship to Bowser?
15:54Was she crazy?
15:55Peach was wondering the same thing about herself, but she prayed that Mario would give her time
16:00to work through her argument.
16:02Mario's mustache trembled in fury, but he didn't interrupt.
16:06He didn't trust Bowser, but he trusted Peach.
16:10Bowser's initial wild rage cooled, replaced by the cold-blooded hatred that he reserved
16:14only for blue-collar, Italian immigrants that got in his way.
16:18Me, friends with Mario, never.
16:21Peach moved closer to Bowser's cage, forcing him to focus on her.
16:25What about the time King Smithy took control of your castle?
16:28What the time you helped us stop dementia from conquering all reality?
16:32Bowser grinned stupidly.
16:33Of course I remember.
16:34That was the time we got married, Peach.
16:37Don't you remember?
16:38You're my lawfully wedded wife.
16:40Peach blushed, cursing herself for her blunder.
16:42Bowser!
16:43The two of us getting married nearly caused the end of all life in the universe.
16:47And anyway, it wasn't a legal wedding ceremony.
16:50It wasn't a lawful minister.
16:52My lawyers disagree.
16:53Peach wanted to scoff, but she resisted the urge to let Bowser goad her.
16:58But that's besides the point.
16:59You stood alongside us and fought as our ally, side-by-side with Mario.
17:03It was different.
17:04We all had a common foe, but I only cared about getting my castle back.
17:08For you, of course, we were not friends.
17:10We were temporary cabal adjurants.
17:12So you never wanted to be my friend, not even a little?
17:16Again, Bowser switched from calculating tyrant to fussy little boy.
17:21Or rather, a fussy little boy trapped in the body of a voluptuous, grown woman.
17:25Go peepee, baby.
17:27Stop putting words in my mouth.
17:29Of course, I wanted to be friends with you.
17:31I want you to be my bestest friend forever.
17:33Is that so wrong?
17:35Peach felt a sliver of hope.
17:37If only Bowser could move past his unhealthy obsession with her, he could make a valuable
17:41ally to the Mushroom Kingdom.
17:44There's nothing wrong with that.
17:45Maybe we could be friends like that one day.
17:48She added furtively, embarrassed to have Mario overhearing this.
17:52She hated having to dance around Bowser's big ego, but it was the only way to persuade
17:57the brute to do anything.
17:58To Peach's relief, Mario was composed.
18:01He was watching her reassuringly, ready to help the moment he was needed, but patient.
18:07Best friends forever, the kind of friend you can always count on.
18:10Peach thought silently, looking at Mario, before returning her attention to Bowser.
18:15But the only way I can ever be friends with you Bowser is if you stop attacking my friend,
18:19my people, my kingdom.
18:21We've been allies before, couldn't we just be allies on a more permanent basis?
18:25Bowser paused to consider her words.
18:27Then a knowing smile crept across his face.
18:30But of course, Peach, why?
18:32For you, I could even be friends with Mario.
18:35Peach couldn't find any words.
18:37Did Bowser mean it?
18:38She was so happy.
18:40She could have kissed Bowser.
18:41Just a platonic peck on the cheek, of course.
18:44But before she could answer, Bowser waved a finger matter-of-factly, and barreled over her.
18:50Once we're queen and queen, bah, I mean king and queen, your kingdom will be my kingdom,
18:55and I'll protect our people with my life's blood.
18:58Bowser slammed his fist against his heart in a gesture of manly fortitude, only for
19:03his fist to bump against one of his massive boobies.
19:06Embarrassed by his verbal slip, Bowser stamped his bare foot.
19:10Once, he'd have been able to send tremors through the castle with such a gesture.
19:15But now his adorable little feet could only produce a soft slap against the stone.
19:20King, I meant say king.
19:22As king, I'll protect you forever, Peaches.
19:24And your friends, too, of course.
19:26We'll need plenty of serfs.
19:27No, Bowser, they are not serfs, and I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking about friendship.
19:32The words quickly passed through Bowser's ears, without making contact with any of his brain cells.
19:38Nevertheless, a two-watt lightbulb still appeared over Bowser's head as he pressed
19:43his face through the bars, hoping for a kiss from Peach.
19:46Oh, I get it.
19:47You're doing the girl flirting thing where you say one thing and mean something else.
19:51Like when you said you want us to be allies on a more permanent basis.
19:55In that cute little way of yours, you really meant you want to be together permanently.
19:59That means you do love me.
20:01Peach hid the disappointment she felt from showing on her face.
20:04This was how it always went when you tried to reason with Bowser.
20:08His irrational idea would just keep rearing its ugly head, again and again.
20:12No, Bowser, I don't love you that way.
20:15And I never, ever will.
20:17But we can still be friends.
20:19Yeah, yeah, I see what this whole friendship spiel is.
20:22For a while there, I was worried you were trying to put me in the friend zone.
20:26Peach scrunched her face.
20:28Finally, she was in over her head.
20:30Wait, the friend zone.
20:32What's that?
20:34Bowser curled his lips with suppressed mirth, like a girl rolling a juicy bit of gossip
20:38over her tongue.
20:39Oh, that's when you lead a guy on for a while, letting him do stuff for you for free,
20:44but never actually giving him anything in return.
20:47Like you do with that beta male orbiter, Mario.
20:50But actually, when you say you want to be best friends forever with me, that's really
20:54a code word for being more than just normal friends.
20:57Now it was Peach's turn to have a lightbulb, and hers was 300 watts.
21:01For the years, she had told Bowser that she didn't love him thousands of times, and it
21:06never once clicked for him.
21:08I'm friendzoning you, Bowser.
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