- 2 years ago
Pat | Out & About
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00:00because it was so attached to my identity.
00:02So when I started doing comedy, I was like,
00:04let's rejigger my mind.
00:07Easy though, we're gonna have to cut that.
00:12I was like, did I say it?
00:21Welcome to Out and About.
00:23It is Friday and Nana Trish, Nana and Trish
00:26are coming off a little bit of a bender.
00:28We went to Hannah Burner's party last night
00:31for her Netflix special.
00:32We have an interview with her today.
00:34You guys are gonna get that
00:35after we do a little bit of a chat here.
00:36But I am, I'm hurting.
00:39I had a Five Guys burger.
00:41And I was over served and I didn't get enough sleep.
00:45I took a Xanax too late.
00:47Oh God.
00:48I'm just like, I've seen enough.
00:50Like I, if I had to go tonight today,
00:52I'd be like, you know what?
00:53I get it.
00:53It's like, I'm fine with just kind of calling it quits.
00:56It's time.
00:58I don't even think dying will give you
01:00the deepest of arrests that I need right now.
01:03Do you know what I mean?
01:04Yeah.
01:05I forgot how good of a sleep I have.
01:07If I like get drunk.
01:08Oh my God.
01:09I slept like a fucking rock.
01:11You don't know.
01:11I was a shit face.
01:12Do you have electricity at your house?
01:14I'm sorry?
01:15Do you have an air conditioner at your house?
01:17Ma'am?
01:18Miss?
01:19Yes, I do.
01:20I have air conditioner.
01:21But how long, how often do you have to go down
01:22to the basement to crank the thing?
01:27We have, we actually have Zod down there on pedals.
01:30He pedals it and it gets going in the carriage.
01:34What a fun party though.
01:35She had a party last night at the Ganzvorte dime.
01:38It was called dimes.
01:39Dimes only.
01:39Dimes only in the basement.
01:41I forgot how many people I know in New York city.
01:45And like the comedy scene and all this.
01:47I knew every person there.
01:48Everyone, every time I turned around,
01:50it was someone from my past who I like,
01:52just haven't thought about in a while.
01:53It was arguably the best crowd at any party
01:56that I've been to ever.
01:58Well, I think because Hannah Berner is that bitch
02:00and she always surrounds herself with quality people.
02:03Yep.
02:04Well, that's why we were there.
02:05Yeah.
02:05I mean, I don't think there was a person there
02:07that I didn't like.
02:08Yeah.
02:09People from near and far.
02:16Now the brain will misfire.
02:18It was funny though,
02:19because the people that Joey knows,
02:20there was some beauty gurus there
02:22and Nana goes right up.
02:25He knows the beauty gurus.
02:26I knew the comics.
02:27So it was like, it was the yin and yang.
02:30You were serving cunt, I believe.
02:34I know I was serving,
02:35now I was wearing a Comme des Garcons ivory suit
02:39from the shop tips of toe.
02:40And I had to wear a pump.
02:41I was wearing heels last night.
02:43Maybe that's why I'm so lethargic today.
02:44He was literally wearing four inch heels.
02:47And he had, Nana likes to internally feel fish,
02:50but externally it was covered up.
02:52She was covered.
02:53Just so he knows in the back of his head,
02:54he's a little bit fishy.
02:55Yeah.
02:56That I had an elevated pump on.
02:59It was all time.
03:01You had a Japanese tie, I believe as well.
03:03It was a Japanese blazer I was wearing.
03:05And I just wanted to upstage Hannah,
03:08but I mean, what if I-
03:09Paige was there.
03:10She was great.
03:10Paige just sorbo.
03:12When we, I-
03:15Serving the face.
03:16Look at the video.
03:16That was the ice sleuth.
03:17You're wearing heels in that?
03:18Yeah.
03:20I was like, why is Joey this tall?
03:21He's as tall as me.
03:23Look at the face.
03:24You can't see it there.
03:25That is the funniest.
03:29We were doing it.
03:29If you're watching this on YouTube,
03:32we have an ice sleuth that's happening.
03:34And you know what?
03:34To all the haters who said that
03:36Dan and Trish lost our fastball,
03:38the girls still got it, okay?
03:40We can still go out and work a room
03:42with the best of them.
03:44Reconvene when necessary.
03:46We divide and conquer when we are at the parties.
03:48Can I add two things?
03:49Two things?
03:50Well, one thing, I guess.
03:51Both hairs looking good.
03:53Thank you, Dan.
03:54Hair on both of you looking great.
03:55We got haircuts.
03:56I went shorter.
03:58Much shorter.
03:58I need it.
03:59I was looking a little shaggy.
04:00I was going to wear a weft.
04:02I almost did.
04:03No, no, no, no.
04:04I almost wore a bun bang.
04:05With a Japanese tie?
04:06I was going to tilt it this way
04:08because I wanted to get a voluminous finger wave.
04:10So I wanted to add a weft here.
04:12Okay.
04:13Right behind the partition.
04:15And I was going to backcomb.
04:16I was going to backcomb and adhere it.
04:19And then from there, I was going to start
04:22incorporating the weft into the style.
04:24From there, I'd go ahead and take it down.
04:26But I had to, you know, I bought
04:28three clip-on bangs this week from Amazon.
04:35So I'm going to start wearing hairpieces.
04:37I don't mind that.
04:38I don't mind that at all.
04:39What was I going to say?
04:40I was going to say I had something about this party.
04:43I can't remember.
04:44Everyone was drunk, which I love.
04:46Like no one was holding back.
04:48Everyone was in a good mood.
04:49I realized all those drinks are,
04:50there's Red Bull in all those drinks.
04:52That's insane.
04:53But you didn't know there was Red Bull in the drinks.
04:55That's what I was going to say.
04:56I knew the night was shaping up.
04:57Like it was going to be a good night
04:59because A, it was in my neighborhood.
05:01So that's a win.
05:02It's right next to my house.
05:03Perfect.
05:03Cobblestone street.
05:04Beautiful.
05:04The whole thing.
05:05And so we get to the bar and we sit down.
05:09We have a drink.
05:10Then we get a round of shots.
05:12Then we have another drink.
05:15Then we have another round of shots.
05:16Then we have another drink.
05:18Then we go.
05:18And that was 10 minutes.
05:20It was like, all right, time to go to the party.
05:24But yeah, I don't want to do this anymore.
05:27I'm sorry?
05:27I don't want to do this.
05:30The music was great.
05:31It was like all our, it was like millennial.
05:33It was like gangster.
05:34It was like your rap.
05:35You could have done a rap TikTok on it.
05:36Damn, that would have been sick.
05:37It would have been lit AF.
05:39Frances Ellis was there.
05:40Brianna Chicken Fry was there.
05:42Grace O'Malley was there.
05:44Harolyn Woodruff was there.
05:46Joe Gorga and Melissa Gorga was there.
05:48Pilot Pete was there.
05:49Amy Schumer was there.
05:51Tina Fey was there.
05:53OJ Simpson was there.
05:55The late Rue McClanahan was there.
05:59The corpse of Robin Williams was also there.
06:02A lot of funny people.
06:03We're going to get to our interview with Hannah momentarily.
06:06But first, there's a couple of things we got to talk about.
06:08Your girl, Gypsy Rose, is now pregnant with her boyfriend, Ken Uecker.
06:13Baby, that's the guy who she was dating before she went into jail.
06:16No, no, no.
06:17That was Nick.
06:18Break it down.
06:18Nick is the one that killed her mother.
06:20This is Ken.
06:20She was dating him in prison.
06:22This is one of her first prison boyfriends.
06:23They dated for a while.
06:24And due to some differences, they broke up.
06:28But she never got that dick because she was not allowed to have conjugal visits.
06:32So she never got the dick.
06:33So she was always craving, wondering what it was.
06:35Then she gets out of prison, and she's with that fat slob from Family Guy with him.
06:42Oh, he was nasty.
06:44Yeah, a slob co-op.
06:46He was disgusting.
06:46Not because he's fat.
06:47I mean, your mom's fat.
06:49Yeah.
06:52I just think that she had to get out of there.
06:54Now she finally went back to someone that had her heart to begin with,
07:00and she's been catching loads ever since.
07:02Can I ask a question about catching loads as a lady?
07:05Feel free to sign to my DMs.
07:06If someone nuts in your pussy, does it drip out?
07:10If you don't put your legs in the air.
07:12If you're trying to conceive, you have to put your legs in the air.
07:14Upside down on the couch after, right?
07:15Well, no.
07:16I usually just put my legs against the wall, like at the headboard,
07:19and scoot my butt to the headboard, just because I want it all to get to my cervix.
07:22Got it.
07:28Now that's how you conceived your first Labradoodle.
07:30Yes.
07:32That's how I conceived Wiggles.
07:33Nana birthed Maine Coon that way.
07:35I'm sorry.
07:36But she is...
07:39I don't think she's ready for motherhood,
07:40but I do hope that she chooses the middle name Dee Dee for the baby,
07:46in honor of her late mother.
07:47Well, I mean, she didn't quite have the best example of a mother.
07:51I mean, she killed her.
07:53No, Nick killed her.
07:54Imagine if history repeats itself.
07:56She starts doing munchausens to her new baby.
07:59That would be fucking lit.
08:00If you were in prison and that guy was DMing you,
08:02trying to be your boyfriend, would you hook up with him?
08:04The middle photo, he doesn't look bad, but then I see the hair on the sides.
08:08Benny, same question.
08:08You're horned up in prison.
08:10And he's sending you dick pics.
08:12You haven't had a fifi fuck in a while.
08:13He's sending you dick pics through J-Pay.
08:16It depends how long you're in prison for.
08:1825 to life.
08:19You were there for 10 years.
08:21Yeah, that's a long time.
08:22But him, I'm saying, is that the type of guy that would swoon you?
08:25Or would you want to be someone's bitch?
08:29Would you pretend to be Latino just to get in the Latino gang in the prison?
08:32I think so.
08:32I've thought about it.
08:33Because there's not Italian gangs, I'm sure.
08:36It's wax whites into Hispanics.
08:37Yeah, I'd probably go Hispanic, say I'm Puerto Rican, shave my head.
08:40Problem is, I don't know Spanish.
08:42I feel bad for the other non-denominational races that don't get such a big representation.
08:47No, they get absorbed, though.
08:48Do you think there's an Asian gang in prison?
08:50No, you have to be Aryan Brotherhood if you're in there.
08:53I would have to be Aryan Brotherhood.
08:54You have to be a skinhead, like a Nazi, in order to be in the white group.
08:58Yeah, you just have to adapt.
08:59I would have to become a skinhead.
09:00You just have to tie it up.
09:01Do they ever have honorary...
09:04Can I be an honorary sister if I wanted to hang out with the black folk?
09:08I think if you put a mop on your head and started walking around, swinging them hips, maybe.
09:13But yeah, I feel bad.
09:14What about the Pacific Islanders?
09:16Who would they hang out with?
09:17I can't imagine there's that many Asians, unless it's about...
09:20I think California probably has a big Asian prison population.
09:23Yeah, but do they have gangs, is what Joe's saying.
09:25Yeah, the Yakuza, brother.
09:26But that has a small gang.
09:28What if work broke out, or a prison takeover?
09:34The Bengali group is not going to be able to stand a candle to the...
09:38Asians?
09:40This is already a pre-done tab before the show came out.
09:43This is his book report he wrote last week for his book.
09:46I know the Asian community despise Asian gangs, but if you don't know that California prisons...
09:50What did I tell you?
09:51The Asian gangs put aside the gangs and come together as Asian.
09:58Hi, I'm recording my podcast.
10:04Can I call you back?
10:07It's actually...
10:08Do you just want to call and say I love you?
10:11You just want to call and say you love me?
10:15Oh, you're so silly.
10:16I'll talk to you later, bye.
10:20Bye.
10:20That's my boyfriend's ringtone.
10:22No, it's not.
10:22Yes, it is.
10:23You just clearly heard it.
10:25Anyway, back to my story.
10:26They protect the Asian elders and the Asian non-gang members from other races.
10:31I told you, so they're incorporated.
10:33There's no extortion.
10:34All these Asians unite together in California prison and prejudice.
10:39Within the race, it's not often tolerated.
10:42Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean, Filipino, Cambodian, Laos, Hmong, Mayan, and Lalu.
10:50I have to remove my tongue to pronounce that correctly.
10:53Of course...
10:54We're talking tongues.
10:55Of course, you have the Islanders who unite with the Asians.
10:57I just think it's a good community of people.
10:59I think that's what happens.
11:00I think there's others.
11:02I think if you're in the band, if you play the flute, the clarinet,
11:05it's like you're all musical theater.
11:07Like, you know, it doesn't matter what it is.
11:08Look, I think nowhere in America has a stronger community than prison.
11:14I think prisoners have a kinship that you just don't find anywhere else.
11:19Yeah.
11:19Now, we actually have a video of someone...
11:22I don't even know how to transition to this.
11:23That was a lovely conversation.
11:25You know about our boy Sketch.
11:27Do we need to talk about our boy Sketch?
11:28Yes, everyone's calling him Stretch.
11:30I have a few things to say about this.
11:31I am so pleased with how...
11:34The reaction.
11:34How well all this is being received.
11:38I haven't seen one negative thing about, you know,
11:43attacking his character, talking about homosexuality or anything.
11:46They're just like so...
11:48They just said, like, this guy can't lose.
11:49Like, everything he's doing is perfection.
11:51Like, I've never seen someone take a big dick like that in my life.
11:54I will say this.
11:56Except at my bar mitzvah.
11:59I will say this.
12:00Sketch can fuck.
12:01I don't know if we're supposed to say that.
12:03Was he topping?
12:03He was bottoming.
12:04He was power bottoming.
12:06That guy, never judge a book by its cover,
12:08because that was like some porn level sex.
12:11Well, I guess it was porn.
12:12But Sketch, for those of you who don't know, this big Twitch streamer.
12:15What's up, brother?
12:16Welcome to the team, brother.
12:19He had some OnlyFans stuff leaked,
12:22and some people thought that was, like, gonna be a big deal.
12:25It just wasn't, because no one gives a fuck anymore what anyone does, which is great.
12:28I feel bad for the kid, though.
12:29He said he was gonna kill himself and, like, all the people found out.
12:32He was actually on a live stream, as people started to find out,
12:35and he walked out of the live stream,
12:38and they were texting him, like, come back, come back.
12:40But everyone's been great to Sketch.
12:42We love Sketch.
12:42Sketch is a good friend of our friend Caleb Presley.
12:44Yes.
12:44The Yak, all that.
12:45I think it's so funny.
12:46I mean, he swept the nation.
12:47I think the whole...
12:48I think the initial shock of scandal is, like, every straight boy...
12:51Text Dick.
12:52And their...
12:52No, every straight boy and their mother is obsessed with him.
12:55And, like, you know, their colleges and sports teams, professional athletes,
12:58everyone's doing the What's Up, Brother?
13:00And they just love him for his quirkiness and his, like, his all-around fun personality.
13:04And that...
13:06I think that's a big shock that all these people that looked up to this kid,
13:08and then he was, like, doing that.
13:09But it's, like...
13:10Because, like, you know, straight guys couldn't imagine that.
13:12But I don't think anyone's, like...
13:13No one's shocked.
13:14No one cares.
13:14I'm more...
13:15My thing that I care about is the wardrobe choices.
13:17Like, he was pulling the thong to the side.
13:20You...
13:20You actually texted me that.
13:21Like, he pulled the thong to the...
13:22Panties to the side.
13:23And also, like...
13:24And then his costume, like, he was, like, you know, into, like, cosplay.
13:26But he was, like, wearing, like, slutty outfits.
13:28That persona, like, I never knew that he was into.
13:30It reminds me of a young Gypsy Rose, back when she was having...
13:33Had that computer under her bed, and she was AOL chatting.
13:35That's true.
13:36That's very true.
13:37Look, everyone does...
13:39You never...
13:39Never judge a book by its cover.
13:41People do weird shit in the bedroom.
13:42And, you know, whatever.
13:43Not that what he did was weird, but...
13:45I did something weird in the bedroom this morning.
13:47What, I'm sorry?
13:48I did something weird in the bedroom this morning.
13:49You got throat fucked?
13:50No, I ate McDonald's.
13:52Oh.
13:53Same thing.
13:54Little more gay news.
13:55Julia Fox came out as a lesbian.
13:58Oh, my God.
13:58In...
13:58Today in Who Gives a Fuck, Julia Fox came out as a lesbian.
14:02Like, enough.
14:04Is that her?
14:05That's her.
14:05Yeah.
14:06Is that her after she's gay now?
14:07I don't even think we need a video of her.
14:10She's so gross.
14:11I don't understand.
14:12I'm sick of her.
14:12She's annoying.
14:15Who cares?
14:15This is made up also, probably.
14:17Whatever.
14:17We're over Julia Rose, Julia Fox.
14:21What else we got?
14:22New York City Mayor Eric Adams announces trash revolution, which is literally...
14:26They spent $4 million on a study to find that putting...
14:29Is that what they renamed the West Village?
14:31That's right.
14:32To find that putting trash in barrels rather than bags on the street
14:36will, like, reduce smell and, like, clean up the city.
14:40$4 million.
14:41These liberal democratic fucks.
14:42Do I have to buy my own garbage pail?
14:44No, your building does it.
14:46Yeah.
14:46I laid that up.
14:47I hope you do.
14:48That'd be great.
14:49It says that...
14:50I forget by what year.
14:51Every building that has nine units or less must have those bins available.
14:56Okay.
14:57This is so crazy that just now in New York City, the greatest city in the world,
15:02we're requiring trash cans.
15:04Do you like the trash cans or you don't like them?
15:06I think it's great.
15:07To be honest, I don't give a fuck because my neighborhood, you know, very kind of nice.
15:11Well, you have a compost pile in your living room, correct?
15:14I've been composting for years.
15:16No, I think it's a great idea.
15:17The problem is he goes publicly to do a whole speech about it and say it's a trash revolution.
15:21Oh.
15:22The whole world has this figured out but New York City apparently.
15:25Studio Fox is a trash resolution.
15:27You know who's not a trash revolution?
15:30Our sweet, sweet Hannah Burner.
15:32We had a great interview with her.
15:33We did a great interview.
15:34She's always so lovely to be around.
15:36One of my favorite people.
15:37We love Hannah.
15:38We think you guys are going to love the interview.
15:39If you haven't already...
15:41See her Netflix special.
15:42It's out now on Netflix.
15:44We ride at dawn.
15:45Do yourself a favor and put it on.
15:47Lower your panties.
15:48Pour yourself a shibbly.
15:50And, you know, away we go.
15:52Here's the interview with Hannah Burner.
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17:06Nice to meet you, Benny.
17:07You can pick him up.
17:08Go by the piano.
17:10Listen to that.
17:12I don't know.
17:17I stole him.
17:18Do you know him?
17:19I'm co-parenting.
17:22It's my father's.
17:23It's my father's.
17:25My father's best friend's dog who travels all the time is his girl.
17:29He's like his sis.
17:30What's it called?
17:31His his mom had his daughter had to leave him with her because she couldn't have dogs where
17:35she moved with her baby.
17:36So he gave her to the door to this.
17:38She gave him, you know, to the father.
17:40The father travels all the time.
17:41So I watch him when he travels.
17:42And so I just don't have him back.
17:44Eight years old.
17:45He's he's a Taurus.
17:46April 20th.
17:51I think he's really good with sensing people's energies.
17:54Like he knows that I'm giving.
17:56No, he knows.
17:57Also, my mom says I she's like, I was she's like, what are you doing?
17:59And I'm like, I'm going to talk to the gays at Barstool.
18:01And she goes, oh, my God, they're my favorite.
18:06She's good taste.
18:07Lenore.
18:07Lenore.
18:08You don't fuck with Lenore.
18:10Are we rolling all around?
18:11My mother's a Phyllis.
18:13Phyllis and Lenore.
18:14Everyone has a Phyllis.
18:15Yeah.
18:16And Phyllis, you know, is the top.
18:21Phyllis has never been a bottom in her life.
18:23Are you?
18:24I'm loving your outfit.
18:26I actually paid a stylist for it.
18:28Oh, my God.
18:29Oh, you're like that case.
18:31Actually, no, I don't like it.
18:34No, it was I kind of like to just experiment with stuff and have fun.
18:40And I know it's giving like schoolgirl.
18:44Realness.
18:45Homeschool girl.
18:47Homeschool.
18:48Like almost religious in a way.
18:49There's Mormonism somewhere.
18:50It's giving Kimmy Schmidt.
18:52You're Utah.
18:54I've given handjobs and done anal, but not sex.
18:57Yeah.
18:58Bunker bitch.
18:58Thought about soaking though.
19:00I've soaked many a time.
19:01I've soaked.
19:02I've soaked many a time.
19:03Do you remember, was it Kimmy Schmidt?
19:04And break a little Kimmy Schmidt when she was down in the bunker?
19:07It's giving that too.
19:08This is my thing.
19:09Soaking is freakier than sex.
19:10And people don't talk about it enough.
19:12It requires a lot of work.
19:12I would go soft if I would just go soft in there, but it would slide out like a little lizard.
19:16Guys have gone soft for way less.
19:18Yeah.
19:19Even inside.
19:20You can say hard inside the vagina now.
19:22Could I now?
19:24Without thrusting.
19:26I'd be under the bed going like this.
19:29And it's a threesome.
19:30If I knew a guy was doing it, I could probably say that.
19:33What if she was thinking about a guy while doing it?
19:35Yeah, then of course.
19:36Do they soak without the person underneath the bed moving the bed?
19:39Or is it just, it's only when that happens?
19:40I think it's like dealer's choice.
19:42I think you could put it in your armpit too.
19:43Don't ask how I know this.
19:44Armpit?
19:45I did spend a weekend in Salt Lake City doing shows and I-
19:47I saw that.
19:48I asked a lot of questions.
19:49What do you think God's logic is when you do that?
19:50Like when he's watching you get-
19:52He thinks it's by accident.
19:53And it's like, you know, is he like, you know, like-
19:54He thinks it's by accident.
19:55He's like, that's by accident.
19:57I also think like God has interns watching that stuff.
20:00Like God is not watching every more man tickling each other.
20:03He has like child soldiers.
20:05Yes.
20:05Child soldiers of God.
20:07Unpaid child soldiers of God.
20:09Reporting back to them.
20:10Volunteers.
20:10They're the real, they're the mods.
20:12Yes.
20:13He's dealing with important things.
20:15Yeah.
20:16Not if like these 17-year-olds are getting TikTok interviewed about Mormonism.
20:21Those are funny.
20:22I like them.
20:22Those are great.
20:23Well, we're here with Hannah Byrne.
20:24I don't know.
20:25We never officially introduced.
20:28We're happy that you're here.
20:29You guys are my favorite.
20:30This, I'm-
20:31Well, you quoted us in, I think it was the New York Times, I believe.
20:34Wait, did I really?
20:35I didn't mean to.
20:36I definitely didn't want to.
20:37That's crazy behavior.
20:38They said, what's your favorite pod-
20:39No, you quoted us in-
20:40She released a statement after exacting the whole thing.
20:42Actually, I did.
20:42What's your favorite podcast?
20:43And you said out and about.
20:45Look, I give credit where credit's due.
20:48Congratulations on all your success.
20:49Now, how is-
20:52Condragulations.
20:53Now, anyway, I bought a wreath on sale.
20:56On $2.99.
20:57Your Netflix special is out.
20:59It came out on Tuesday.
21:00It came out on Tuesday.
21:01I've come out.
21:02You've come out?
21:03I've come out.
21:03How's your husband feeling finally being a bottom?
21:05He loves it.
21:07But I think that's why it's good to be an older man.
21:09He jokes.
21:10He's like, I made a good investment with my wife.
21:13Because when he met me, I wasn't doing very well.
21:16So no one calls him a gold digger.
21:18And he's just like, look, I did better than crypto.
21:20Yeah, I can finally-
21:21You did do better than crypto.
21:23As for now, at least.
21:24I love that you-
21:25I didn't think you were going to change.
21:26Pat was a little nervous that you were going to be
21:28hoity-toity coming up in here.
21:29I'm kidding.
21:30Wait, no, I love this.
21:32Am I different?
21:33You're not different, but-
21:34You seem different.
21:34Does Hayley Bieber know who we are?
21:36I tried to tell her-
21:37Different number.
21:38You know, okay, I'm so scared of celebrities.
21:41Yeah.
21:42I went to like one event at the Netflix is a joke festival
21:46where there are all these celebrities.
21:47My agent kept being like, you want me to introduce you to John Mulaney?
21:50You want me to introduce you to, you know, like Kat Witt?
21:52And I was like, no, I do not.
21:54I just want to watch.
21:56I don't like forced interact.
21:58I want to naturally meet people.
21:59So even Hayley, like, it's my biggest fear to overstep.
22:03Walking around the road, pop up with a microphone and a cameraman.
22:06When she was walking in, I was like,
22:07I can't be the first person she sees.
22:09I was like pretending I was like fucking around with the blushes.
22:11But you already talked to her about the,
22:12you did our first of the cherries, the strawberries.
22:14I don't know if it's-
22:15She remember you?
22:16Yes.
22:17I don't know if it's because I'm insecure though.
22:18Like I always feel like I'm one sentence away from being too much.
22:23So like the second I get the laugh, I'm like, I'm out.
22:26Let's get out of here.
22:27So I like to be that person that they think of that they go,
22:30oh, she's never annoyed me and she's not too much.
22:32When in reality, I'm way too much.
22:34When do you want people to think you're chill?
22:36Like after the interview with her, it went well, the first one.
22:39And we all were going to an elevator and I said, absolutely not.
22:41I'm not going to elevate them.
22:42I'm like, I'm not-
22:43I'm going to take a shit.
22:44I'm just going to say stuff back.
22:45Mom is going to drop some heat in the bathroom.
22:47I was tying my shoelace of my heels that have no shoelaces.
22:50I was like fixing my watch that I don't have.
22:53I was like my Uber.
22:54So I was like, I'm not, I'm finishing on top.
22:56So I'm, unless someone makes me feel like
22:59I can be my worst around them and they'll still love me.
23:01It's like, I'll, I'm going to play it cool.
23:04And there's nothing worse than you introducing yourself
23:08or trying to have a connection with someone and they're not into it.
23:11Like I actually can't handle that.
23:12So I just avoid at all costs.
23:15I feel like you're great at,
23:16you seem like you are the most famous person in every room at all times.
23:20So like they're, they probably get nervous around you.
23:22Now the head will expand.
23:24Like I'm too nervous to talk to-
23:25And I'm asking them for drugs five minutes later.
23:26It's like, so where can I score some drugs?
23:28But I did end up, I text her trying to get a connection.
23:31I wanted them to send me those free blushes,
23:32but I ended up buying it.
23:34I'm wearing it today.
23:34Toasted Teddy.
23:35It looks really good.
23:36And I'm wearing, I did the glazing milk and the glazing on the milk
23:38and the glazing fluid as well.
23:40I actually ended up, I did have a moment with her though.
23:42Did you get free blushes that day?
23:43I did get free blushes and she gave me the vagina looking.
23:47Holder for your phone.
23:47Holder for your phone, which is so comfy and cute.
23:50It looks, you guys would hate it.
23:51It looks like labia.
23:53And I actually have a joke in my Netflix special about her.
23:57About road.
23:59Because I joke about how if girls had guns,
24:01we would leave the gun like in the Uber.
24:03And how I call it, I'm like, I left my peptide revolver.
24:09Because all the girls would be like,
24:10did you get the holder from Hailey?
24:12But I actually, my first interview was when she was going through like a dark time.
24:16And I guess I have empathy for people who are getting hate in any, whatever.
24:21I'm Mother Teresa and-
24:22This is pre, her pre-pregnancy.
24:24Yeah, and I looked at her and I remember saying something like,
24:26have you seen this on TikTok?
24:28And she's like, I can't really go on my phone a lot right now.
24:30And I remember feeling like it must suck that if she turns on her phone,
24:34it's her algorithm.
24:36It's not like she's even trying to find stuff about her.
24:38But I told her, I was like, you can't read the, I started yelling at her.
24:40I'm like, you can't read the comments.
24:42It affects who you are.
24:43Like, you got to just keep doing who you are.
24:44I don't know.
24:45So I turned into like a JV basketball coach.
24:48And I think she liked that I was being real with her maybe.
24:52Who knows?
24:52I think that's what everyone's like about you.
24:54You don't change in front of me.
24:55As much as you're having mental anguish about like, you know, like dumb-
24:58Everything.
24:58Like fucking it up.
24:59Yeah.
24:59They're just like so happy to be around you because you are the most effortless,
25:02easy person to talk to.
25:03Okay.
25:04That was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
25:05They hate me.
25:06I appreciate it.
25:07You're so scared and you're like, did I say it right?
25:09Did I, should I repeat it in a different way?
25:10She looked behind her teleprompter right behind her.
25:12Your publicist is texting you.
25:15You are very good with-
25:17No, at the end of the day, and I think it's the same with dating.
25:20I always say it doesn't matter what you say.
25:22It's how you made people feel.
25:23I don't mean feel good.
25:24It's just like either people fuck with your energy or they don't.
25:27Nothing I say will make you like me more if you don't fuck with me.
25:30What happened with J-Lo?
25:33What are you talking about?
25:34I interviewed J-Lo.
25:34She interviewed J-Lo.
25:35You interviewed J-Lo?
25:37I go on the record.
25:37I mean, I know you're friends with her.
25:39I loathe J-Lo.
25:40So I just want to hear-
25:40How long have you loathed J-Lo?
25:42Since I, since I, she, I tried to buy, she tried to buy a cowboy hat off me at
25:46Patricia Field back in the nineties and gave me that.
25:48She was with Puff Daddy, she gave me an attitude.
25:50She was looking at me and I was like, oh, disgusting.
25:54I was in drag.
25:55I had a sandal foot, um, pom-pom.
25:58So you were dressed in drag.
25:59Did you have a beard?
26:00No, I was full fish, full fish.
26:02Okay.
26:02And she was unspookable.
26:03And I was working at Patricia Field at the makeup counter.
26:06And, um, back when Sex and the City was really big and there was cowboy hats.
26:09She was like asking about the cowboy hats.
26:10It's ma'am.
26:11And I said, and she gave me the nastiest attitude.
26:15I was like, bitch.
26:15And this was before she was even like J-Lo.
26:17She was just like, yeah, she's like, she just wore like the headband.
26:20Like that month, I think she bought it from Patricia Field.
26:23I was just like early nineties.
26:24And she was nasty.
26:25Then I heard stories here and there.
26:26Now, again, I've never, I've never, except for when she, she shaded me there,
26:30but I've heard her nightmare stories of her just working in Hollywood.
26:32And you know, you and I, the three of us are very poised people.
26:35And we like, we're respectful and we're, you know, we're funny, but we're still cool.
26:38You know what I mean?
26:39She just, she just like, just like in the industry, she just has a horrible.
26:42Yeah.
26:42She does not have a good, a good reputation.
26:44How was the Hannah Burner experience?
26:45So from my experience, and this was like, she was starting to get hate on TikTok.
26:49Um, it was a cancer Vegas tour.
26:52Oh, geez.
26:53She walked in after your interview.
26:56That was our South Carolina show.
27:00She walked in and she, I actually remember her looking and she said,
27:03Oh, it was, she goes, she for sure was not impressed by me.
27:11But I think she saw her ad for intimacy me, which is very difficult to say,
27:15but it's her in this underwear and she looks and she goes,
27:18Oh, I look, uh, voluptuous.
27:20Like she was like judging herself kind of.
27:22And I looked at her, I go, you do look fat.
27:24You're JLo.
27:25Of course you're voluptuous, but it was crazy to see like a superstar,
27:28like JLo seeing an ad that she had to approve.
27:32But then also just being a little like.
27:33Impressed with herself.
27:34But like, she wasn't like impressed.
27:36She was like judging herself.
27:37Like maybe like, I don't love how I look in it.
27:40And in that moment you're like, holy shit.
27:41Everyone's just like out here.
27:44But I do think her thing is she doesn't have, um,
27:47she's not like the goofy silliest.
27:50Well, I wouldn't think so.
27:51So I think like, she's just like, she works hard.
27:54She's all business.
27:54But the thing is, I know a lot of people from the Bronx.
27:57I was born in the Bronx, Riverdale for a year.
27:59And what was your sandwich?
28:01The Bojega?
28:01Um, a chopped cheese, a ham and cheese on a roll.
28:06If you know, you know.
28:07Look, I know it's better.
28:08But when she said orange soda, I kind of understood what she meant.
28:11She meant quarter waters with you.
28:14I knew what she was talking about.
28:15So I think that hate was a little extreme.
28:17I just think some of the people from the Bronx.
28:18I mean, look at Cardi B, a literal comedian.
28:21Oh, she's the funniest person ever.
28:22So I'm a little confused how someone from the Bronx
28:26could not be the funniest person in the world.
28:28But so she just takes herself seriously.
28:30And I think that's what I took from the interview.
28:32But she was so gracious, so nice, gorgeous.
28:34And, um, she's out here fighting for her life.
28:37Just like the rest of us.
28:38And she oinked at you when you walked away.
28:40She's like, please give me another interview.
28:42She loves people.
28:44That was good.
28:45Pull the hamstring reason for the door swings open.
28:48I'm like, he can't use any of that.
28:52You did it.
28:52You gave an interview once where you did say something that actually stuck with me.
28:55You were like, you unlocked the code to like alleviating some of your mental stress.
29:01You're just not hard on yourself.
29:03Like you try really hard to not be hard on yourself and not judge yourself.
29:06And when things happen, you let it happen.
29:09And you move on.
29:10I can't remember who you're talking about.
29:12I say that all the time, actually.
29:14Because my thing was when I was a tennis player, it was very all ego.
29:18I mean, and tennis is that sport where it's like, I beat you.
29:21I beat her.
29:22I'm ranked this right now.
29:24And if I lost anything, it was just like horrible.
29:28And I had no, like, there was no room for error.
29:31What was you against?
29:32What's that famous lesbian movie?
29:35Arthur Ashe.
29:36Arthur Ashe.
29:36No, it was you against Arthur Ashe.
29:38Arthur Ashe is not a lesbian.
29:39Who's the famous lesbian?
29:41Jane something.
29:41Oh, Billie Jean King.
29:43No, it was you against Billie Jean King, correct?
29:44It was me.
29:48You keep scaring Wiggles.
29:50Wait, I'm obsessed with Wiggles.
29:52Well, that was when you against Billie Jean King, correct?
29:53Yes.
29:54Yes.
29:54I'm so intimidated by your tennis.
29:55I'll see you'll put up on Instagram.
29:56You just like returning.
29:58No, but like if someone were to make a comment like and be like,
30:01yeah, like her footwork is bad.
30:03I feel it like because it was so attached to my identity.
30:06So when I started doing comedy, I was like, let's rejigger like my mind.
30:15Easy, though.
30:16We're gonna have to cut that.
30:16We're gonna have to believe that.
30:19The second it came out of your mouth.
30:20I thought you were saying it.
30:21I was like, did I say it?
30:24You said it in your head.
30:26God, Wiggles.
30:28I'm sorry.
30:28Wiggles is upset.
30:30Wiggles is like, this is not the show I signed up to be on.
30:33As I started doing comedy, I was like, I don't want the same
30:36relationship with comedy that I have with tennis, which was like,
30:39like fight or flight and just like bleeding to the death and crying and highs and lows.
30:44And there are highs and lows a shit ton with comedy.
30:46But it was more like if I something goes wrong, I don't have to beat myself up for it.
30:50And once I realized that I could walk off the stage and I could tell my I could.
30:56Doesn't matter what happens to you.
30:57It's your perspective on it.
30:58So, like, I became a better comic tonight.
31:00I had fun.
31:00I'm proud of myself for even going on stage in front of a thousand people.
31:03That was fucking awesome.
31:04Where with tennis, it was a lot of coaches and people in my ear just being like,
31:08if you lose, you're a fucking failure.
31:10And like, life was not fun like that.
31:12So I'm like, if I'm going to live life and not.
31:14Because you're only failing yourself.
31:16You're failing the coaches.
31:17You're failing the people that worked hard.
31:19This one, if you if you if you bomb, it's just that.
31:21I could just lie to myself afterwards and be like, that was really good practice.
31:24How long did it take you to, like, flip the switch?
31:26Were you like, you just had a realization?
31:28You're like, I'm going to do this.
31:29Or it's like practice.
31:30I think it's because comedy was fun.
31:35So I thought that to be successful, you had to do things that were miserable.
31:40And if you could push through, that's how you become great.
31:42Because no one else wants to do the miserable stuff.
31:44That's what we were taught.
31:45Yeah, that's what we're taught.
31:46So when I was doing tennis and it was miserable, no point in me was like, maybe you should quit.
31:50It was like, this is what all the greats do.
31:52Don't feel any emotion.
31:53This is what Billie Jean would do.
31:56So then I, when I started doing comedy, when it was fun, I was like, yeah, but that doesn't
32:01mean I'm gonna be good at it.
32:02Or like, I can make money from it.
32:04I really didn't think I could make money from it.
32:05And that's the funniest thing.
32:06And I think it's like, fall in love with the process, not the result.
32:09And I think I actually, I didn't enjoy playing matches.
32:13So how do you become a professional tennis player when you hate competing?
32:16It's like a comic being like, I don't like writing jokes.
32:19You were close to becoming a pro.
32:20Well, I played some professional tournaments when I was like 16, 17.
32:24And then I played one for University of Wisconsin.
32:26I had an on paper, very successful career.
32:28And then I just was like, I'm miserable.
32:30And I don't think I have it in me.
32:32You said, now watch mama take off.
32:36I did cold calling sales.
32:37I was selling t-shirts.
32:40I almost became a yoga teacher, which is, that's how you know it's dark.
32:43I almost became a real estate agent.
32:45That means you hit rock bottom.
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33:31I hit rock bottom.
33:32I think with you, it's like, I think a lot of people in the industry, everyone,
33:35I think collectively is so happy for your success because you are just such a lovely person.
33:40And I feel like it's like, you know, you don't have that in your comedy.
33:43It's, it's, you're just like, you're always the funniest girl in the room at the party,
33:46the funniest girl at the party.
33:47And you're just being the exact same way, but doing it on stage there.
33:50So you don't seem scripted.
33:51You don't seem like you're like talking.
33:52You're like the, doing your, just in the party, having drinks and having girl talk.
33:56And it's just doing it on the stage.
33:57And it looks, I know it's not effortless, but you seem such so effortless and so
34:01approachable with it.
34:02And I think that's why you're having a lot of, I think it's why you're successful.
34:05Coming from you, that means so much.
34:06And it also, I realized that is, I've tried to feel like we're all FaceTiming and I'm the one,
34:11like, I always felt like I was, I was killed in a group chat.
34:13I killed in the group chat.
34:15And I'm like, that's the energy that I just bring on the stage.
34:16I just saw the toilet paper roll I made.
34:18That's right.
34:19I'll tell you that later.
34:20Oh, that's for another time.
34:21You're trying to bring group chat energy.
34:24Yeah.
34:24And I feel like there was a, there is a time where a lot of girls were afraid to go to stand
34:29up shows.
34:29Like what's the vibe, what's the energy.
34:31And I want them to feel like it's a party with a girl who's going to make you laugh for sure.
34:36Don't get social anxiety.
34:37You're chilling, sit back and enjoy the show.
34:39So it is a fun.
34:40And I hope that people seeing the special on Netflix will make more girls want to get into
34:44comedy because we all know, including ourselves.
34:47And also get into copper, um, two piece, um, corset sets.
34:51Yes.
34:51You look fly sister.
34:53I was great.
34:54Your hair.
34:55I went so hard on that.
34:57You look so hot.
34:58Oh my God.
34:59It's hard to come up with an outfit to do stand up in.
35:01Cause like we put on some fashion looks and I was like, I can't make a queef joke in this.
35:07Like I, I was like, I have to feel like some fashion looks like you're taking yourself too
35:12seriously.
35:13And I'm like, I can't look like that either.
35:14Also, I have to be running around.
35:15So like my stylist was, it was very difficult for her.
35:19Cause she was like, you look great.
35:20And I'm like, yeah, but I'm not going to tell a gun joke in this outfit.
35:24So it was finding, I felt like a bronze power ranger, but also kind of sexy.
35:28And I had to do the, this is a, I do the worm in it.
35:31You do the, you do that part.
35:33You love a worm.
35:34Yeah.
35:34Why did you choose Philly?
35:36Great question.
35:37Because Boston, I had done too many shows, New York.
35:40I had done too many shows and Philly.
35:42I hadn't.
35:43I feel like the East coast energy was what I wanted.
35:46And it's also more affordable to, cause I'm in the East coast than to like fly people
35:50around.
35:50So I was like, it was going to be Boston, New York or Philly.
35:53Yeah.
35:53And I had already done those.
35:55And I wanted the, they said you could do New York, but I was like, I want the audience
35:58to actually not have heard these jokes.
36:00Cause it's a dance.
36:02It's not a monologue.
36:03Like I need the energy from the crowd and you know, they're excited about the jokes.
36:07Um, but yeah, like a week beforehand, I definitely freaked out.
36:09Cause I was like, oh shit, you know, like be careful what you wish for.
36:13I was like, oh, I'm actually shooting a Netflix special.
36:17This is just do it twice.
36:18I did two shows in one night and they said you use both parts.
36:21We, and then we edited together.
36:23I was so fucked.
36:24I was so calm.
36:25And then a week before it's, I started freaking out.
36:27Like I, I started doing tapping.
36:29I started dancing.
36:31No, like, you know, tap, it's like a thing that you do when you're like having a panic
36:34attack.
36:34I thought you were like, I started, I brought in tap dancing to the bit.
36:38Um, I like, I like started restarted therapy.
36:42I call my therapist again.
36:43No, it was dark.
36:44Cause I was like, I feel like whenever you want to reach the next level in your life,
36:48you can't cheat it.
36:49Your demons are going to come back.
36:50And my perfectionist demons of like, if you don't do this well, you're a disappointment.
36:54They all, I started to hear the whispers and I was like, shut the fuck up.
36:57So right before I went on, I listened to Ice Spice, Princess Diana.
37:01I listened to Meg the Stallion Hiss right before I went on stage, a calmness came over
37:06me and I did it.
37:07But like, I was like sick to my stomach for like a week before it.
37:11It's a big deal.
37:12I felt the weight of the moment.
37:14And you had like, you're talking about going back and forth.
37:16The crowd, you had a bit that I thought was hilarious where you had people from the crowd
37:19yell out Disney princes and you, and she would read down the Disney princess.
37:24What's wrong with them?
37:25Why they're problematic.
37:26But it's like that back and forth.
37:27It was hilarious.
37:28Watch it on Netflix.
37:28It's out right now.
37:29If you can.
37:30It's funny.
37:30Cause I was first wanting to write a bit about Disney princes of why they're all fuck boys.
37:36Yeah.
37:36And then I was just messing around being like telling the audience to yell out one and I'll
37:40try to come up with it.
37:42And then it got to this point where every show they say the same one, pretty much in
37:46the same order.
37:47It's kind of crazy.
37:47They always say Prince Eric first, then Aladdin, then Prince Charming.
37:51Not the princess for me, but I always, I always had a crush on Garson cause he had that big
37:55hairy chest.
37:56Oh yeah.
37:56Beauty and the Beast.
37:57He like nauseated me.
37:59What's problematic about Garson?
38:01Well, I, he's abusive.
38:03Well, Garson isn't.
38:04Garson, he's the fuck boy.
38:06Right?
38:06Well, he's like, he's like, Oh, look at me.
38:08My muscles, my chest.
38:10Yeah.
38:10That's, if you thought he wasn't a fuck boy, that's on you.
38:13Yeah.
38:13You just want to get ragdolled by him.
38:15Yeah, I said.
38:16I say, I always say that the, the beast at the end, I joke that like, I'm actually a
38:20beast apologist.
38:21Cause the beast like pulls off capris.
38:22He looks like Travis Kelsey.
38:24But then I go, my, my bit at the end was, um, I know some of you guys are like, he's
38:30kidnapped her.
38:30Like he's controlling.
38:32And I'm like, that's my dream.
38:33Yeah.
38:34To be kidnapped in a mansion of gay utensils, getting me food the entire time.
38:38Like Iconic.
38:39Candelabras.
38:40The Candelabras.
38:41Lumiere.
38:43There's a whole gay backstory happening that no one was talking about with Lumiere.
38:47Oh, Lumiere with me?
38:49I mean, Lumiere is a guy who he jerked off in the steam room.
38:51I jerked off a French man in the steam room years ago.
38:53Cause Lumiere was also, he plays the.
38:57The candlestick.
38:58The candlestick.
38:58Yes.
38:59I like Lumiere.
39:00I think he's the, he is the hottest Garson.
39:04I mean, who's the hottest prince?
39:05Like who would you, if you could smash, smash Eric.
39:08Prince Eric is stereotypically very high.
39:09Like a blue eye.
39:10Yeah.
39:10With the dark hair.
39:11I don't like him cause he's waspy.
39:13Yeah.
39:13He's yeah.
39:15I say.
39:15Look at your track record sister.
39:16He tried to fuck a fish.
39:17You, yeah.
39:18You know what, I dated Prince Eric for fucking two years.
39:21You literally did date Prince Eric.
39:23Well, this has been lovely.
39:25You just got attacked.
39:26I dated a Greek Prince Eric.
39:28Um, who's, I think, yeah, Aladdin was fucking hot.
39:31But Aladdin also was like, walk around with no shirt on.
39:33He's probably uncircumcised too.
39:35Like you gotta be prepared for that.
39:36Yeah.
39:36As an Arabic man.
39:37Flying through that spice market, honey.
39:40Who knows what's in that force gum.
39:42But everyone was mad when the beast turned into like the blonde lacrosse player.
39:46Yeah.
39:46And everyone was like.
39:46The beast turned into Francis Ellis.
39:48He literally turned into Francis Ellis.
39:50Like twink version of Francis Ellis.
39:51And everyone was upset and they're like making out.
39:53It's like, bring back the beast.
39:54He was hot.
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41:04What's next for Hannah Burner?
41:06Is TV in the works for you?
41:07Do you see yourself doing a sitcom?
41:08Do you see yourself doing film?
41:11I think my natural progression like lowest hanging fruit is I would love to do
41:17like a talk show or some fun and scripted thing.
41:20But, you know, I like a challenge.
41:22So I'm going to try to get into acting, but I've never acted before.
41:26But I'm telling everyone, I'm like, the next thing is going to be, but I've never acted.
41:30What if I do it and I don't like it?
41:31So you ask like an A-list actor that was like, I really want to get into producing.
41:34No, literally.
41:35I'm like, I'm going to direct.
41:36I'm going to direct.
41:36I've never directed.
41:37The talk show Blindfolded.
41:39I thought you were going to be the new host of, um, what's that guy's name with the big
41:44clock on his neck?
41:46I thought you were going to be the host of Flavor of Flame for your show.
41:48I would love that.
41:50I could see.
41:50Did you?
41:51You did Drew Barrymore, didn't you?
41:53You know, I love the vibe of like network TV and like you have cards and you're just
41:59being yourself and you actually jump on your lap.
42:01She was.
42:04She made me cry.
42:05She cried.
42:06We all cried.
42:06You have to cry when you're on Drew Barrymore.
42:08It's just like part of it.
42:09And she does like a little witch thing to you where at first she's like, and next, you
42:13know, you're like, but she was amazing.
42:16Like literally, she was so nice.
42:19She was so holding your hand.
42:20She holds your hand.
42:21She's one of those like ants that holds your hand when she talks to you.
42:24She's a cookie.
42:25Everyone says she's always like a girl who wants to bump at the party.
42:28Doesn't have any money on her.
42:30That is so true.
42:31But yeah, I think I'm going to get into acting.
42:33Good.
42:34That's what we all want.
42:34And I think I'll probably the easiest way to get into it, which is really hard is just
42:39like write your own shit.
42:40And I love writing.
42:41Yeah.
42:41Paige and I wrote a book, which is crazy.
42:43Oh my God.
42:44We wrote a book.
42:45No one expected it because Paige.
42:47A memoir.
42:48I can't read.
42:48She can't write.
42:50Condragulations.
42:52What is it about?
42:53It's called How to Giggle, a Guide to Taking Life Less Seriously.
42:56So basically me and her just ranting about shit.
42:59So that will be a New York Times bestseller.
43:01A hundred percent.
43:02A thousand.
43:03It's a novel.
43:04It's a novel.
43:05You can't read.
43:06No, it's not.
43:06It's coming to get a copy.
43:07Will you send us a copy?
43:08A thousand percent.
43:09When's it coming out?
43:10So you can get it pre-sale, but I won't have you guys buy pre-sale.
43:13I'll get it.
43:14I think it's coming out in April, to be honest.
43:16It's a long time.
43:164-20.
43:174-20.
43:17You're launching it over 4-20?
43:18A hundred percent.
43:19That's great.
43:20You had a Lorena Bobbitt joke in your special too.
43:22That was crazy.
43:22Oh my God.
43:24Do you know who Lorena Bobbitt is?
43:25Yeah, of course.
43:26John Wayne Bobbitt's late wife.
43:28Did you watch the documentary?
43:29That was crazy.
43:31I watched all the documentaries from back in the day.
43:34Who played her?
43:36I'm thinking of the long line Lolita, Amy Fisher.
43:39Lolita.
43:40This was my question.
43:40Joey Botafuco, I'm thinking of.
43:42Yes.
43:42This is the one a guy's dick cut off and she threw it in the field.
43:45Yes, this is my question.
43:46When you heard that a woman chopped a guy's dick off,
43:49was your first thought, what did that man do?
43:52Of course.
43:53Yeah, I think so.
43:54It wasn't like, wow, some girl went crazy.
43:56You were like...
43:56My thought was honestly, how can...
43:58You know how sometimes if you...
44:01You know how sometimes if you have dull scissors on a piece of paper, the paper folds?
44:05Yep.
44:05My thought was if he's soft, is the dick...
44:07Like that must've been a hard cut.
44:09Wiggles is not okay with that.
44:10Wiggles is like, I'm out.
44:11That's where I...
44:12No, it was a hard cut.
44:13He would have died immediately because the blood would have been shooting out of his crotch.
44:17And then she not only...
44:19She took it and then threw it in a field.
44:20In a field.
44:21Which is sad.
44:22And he went and found it.
44:23And then he did porn.
44:25He went into porn.
44:26He didn't have the two dicks, did he?
44:27No, he has this one.
44:27Who's the guy with two dicks who did porn?
44:29Can you look up two dick porn?
44:31That was Des Bishop, I believe.
44:33I believe that was Des Bishop.
44:35How are things with you?
44:36How are things with you and Des?
44:37He's great.
44:38I saw you having a Kiki and the Hamptons this weekend for fourth of...
44:41With our girl, Taylor.
44:42Couple weekends ago.
44:43Yes, with Taylor Strecker.
44:45You know, it's because I don't have...
44:46Double dick man.
44:47Sorry, Hannah, I interrupted you.
44:49No, this is important.
44:50This is important.
44:51You can just click images.
44:52Just click it.
44:55I just want my fix.
44:56Yeah, that's the one.
44:58I can already tell it's blurred.
44:59Yeah.
45:00Is it real?
45:01Yeah.
45:04Yeah, you can turn it on.
45:05You have my...
45:05You have my permission.
45:07Can he come out of both dicks?
45:09I would assume.
45:09I have so many questions.
45:13Anywho.
45:14Des Bishop is your husband.
45:17So he actually had a...
45:18He has a YouTube special out.
45:20Oh, he had to cancel on you guys because he tore his ACL.
45:22A brutal accident, right?
45:24Don't feel bad for him.
45:25He was skiing in Aspen.
45:27Was exhausted.
45:28Was like, I'm going to hike up some mountain.
45:30Doesn't end the story.
45:31He was at Snow Lodge.
45:32Yeah, doesn't end the story.
45:33And he's like, I'll get you guys when I hit the bottom.
45:37Go silent.
45:38I get a call from him because I'm supposed to...
45:40From the park ranger.
45:41Yeah, I'm supposed...
45:42We thought he was a black bear.
45:43We took him down.
45:44I'm supposed to get lunch.
45:46He calls me, meet me at the hospital.
45:48So I went to get lunch, met him at the hospital.
45:51And it was really bad.
45:54He like tore his ACL brutally.
45:57Does everyone have an ACL or just athletic people?
45:59Everyone has one.
45:59It sounds like something only professional athletes do have.
46:02On the inside of your knee.
46:03I thought it was my ankle.
46:04But apparently everyone tears it.
46:05Like it's like a thing.
46:06It's common.
46:07Yeah, I saw that.
46:08That was brutal.
46:08And now he's like on the mend.
46:09I saw he was on the bike.
46:10He's on the mend.
46:11He's posting his physical therapy.
46:13He's doing better.
46:14I know.
46:14Are you guys smashing yet or is his knee still...
46:17We are smashing.
46:18There definitely was some moments where he'd be like...
46:21And I was like, this is what happens when you're with...
46:30That's when you're about to snap a guy's dick.
46:34You're like, it just bends.
46:35It just bent.
46:35Everyone calm down.
46:36It just bended.
46:38But yeah, no, he loves you guys.
46:39And I'm really proud of him.
46:40His YouTube special, he clipped it up.
46:43Like I was like, you should have to clip it up.
46:44Because you know, these older comics, they're like,
46:46you never had to do that back in the day.
46:48You just yelled in the street and people watch your DVD.
46:51Every day it's a 10 second clip on every platform.
46:53And it's been popping off.
46:55So I'm proud of him.
46:56That's why I'm doing my salmon recipe right now.
46:59But unfortunately, it hasn't gotten quite the same traction.
47:03Gigi Hadid's pasta salmon, whatever, maybe.
47:06Would you come over and cook with me one day?
47:08I would love to.
47:08I'm a good eater.
47:10Okay, good.
47:11Just stand there and just...
47:11I'm a good eater.
47:13I'm that one, the mom will be like, I really like her.
47:15And you're like, why?
47:15And she's like, she ate all the eggplant parmesan.
47:18Didn't leave one thing.
47:19The other ones, they didn't touch their food.
47:20Hannah, she ate it all.
47:22So that's my energy.
47:23Cheer girl Jordan on the way out.
47:24She'll schedule you.
47:25Okay, good.
47:28And you're in the Hamptons.
47:30I'm trying to spend some time in the Hamptons.
47:32You should.
47:32Do you time off after your Netflix special?
47:34Or are you like...
47:34So this is the annoying thing about being a comedian.
47:36About being famous.
47:38This is literally the worst part.
47:40You have to be in the Hamptons.
47:41But you have to...
47:43Once it airs, that material is considered burned.
47:47So if I was a musician and I had a three minute song that went viral,
47:50I can sing that song for the rest of my career and sell tickets.
47:53For me to come back to play Town Hall in New York,
47:57I have to come up with a new hour of material.
48:00I currently don't have new material.
48:03So I have to start going on stage and just being like,
48:07what's the deal with cankles?
48:09Just figure...
48:10I have to just start from scratch because it's crazy.
48:13This hour has taken over six years and everything's so tested.
48:18I could, with my eyes closed,
48:20know what works where I have to start from scratch.
48:22So I'm scared, but I think it'll be fun.
48:24You have to live life in order to get the new experiences.
48:26Well, that's why I think if you get too famous,
48:29comedians stop being funny because they don't have relatable stories anymore.
48:32They're all like,
48:33you know when you see Jon Hamm and you see him and you talk?
48:36Everyone's like, no.
48:37So it becomes like name dropping.
48:39So I have to stay relatable in the streets,
48:42but you have to live life.
48:43You have to hang out with your friends.
48:44That's when you can't just sit and be like, what's funny?
48:47You have to experience things.
48:48So that's why I invited you guys out, honestly.
48:50Yeah, we'd love to go.
48:51Let's actually get on the books.
48:53Yeah, let's get on the books.
48:54You can talk to Jon outside.
48:54You're going out there for August.
48:56You're doing a house out there, right?
48:57I'm doing a house in August, yeah.
48:58Oh, that's fun.
48:59In East Hampton.
49:00I could see the tablescapes now.
49:01Yeah, that's gonna be sick.
49:03He's the host of the house.
49:04So he's in charge of matching people.
49:06What do you do when you're not the host of the house?
49:09Um, I throw shade.
49:10I throw shade.
49:11Yeah, I throw shade.
49:12And I, you know, it's like, well, it's not what I'm gonna do.
49:14Judges throw shade.
49:15Does booty bumps in the bathroom.
49:17Complains about the air conditioner.
49:19You just take your hand and you feel the dust.
49:22I mean, I try to give like suggestions or something,
49:24but I don't want to overstep the boundary because it's not my place.
49:26But now that I'm the host, buckle up.
49:29You're in charge.
49:30Yeah.
49:30I love that.
49:31As you should, as you should.
49:34Do you have a dog?
49:36So Dez and I foster.
49:39We're better than all of you.
49:40A rover?
49:41A pit bull called Abby, who's actually available for adoption.
49:45She's a little pocket pit.
49:46She's not good with other dogs.
49:48I'm just gonna put that out there.
49:49But she loves humans.
49:50Like that dog would be in her mouth.
49:53So she's adopted.
49:54Then we have Butter, who's my cat.
49:57Butter?
49:57Butter.
49:58And she's my everything.
49:59She looks like Cindy Crawford.
50:00I'll show you a photo later.
50:01She's really beautiful.
50:03She was found in a dumpster in the Bronx.
50:05Oh, God.
50:06I thought that was J-Lo.
50:07So is your sister.
50:10That's nice.
50:11But honestly, I want a furry chihuahua like this.
50:14Because I want to bring it on the road with me.
50:17Yeah, that's spoiling everywhere.
50:18Because you'll never get a dog like him.
50:20I feel like once you have a good dog, it's tough to find.
50:24Well, I also want one like him that just wants to cuddle with you all day.
50:27Doesn't bark.
50:28Doesn't bark, nope.
50:29And would he be happy?
50:30I also want to make sure the animal's fine with traveling.
50:33I would never want to put an animal through travel.
50:34No, he loves it.
50:35I bring him everywhere.
50:36If I have a bag and he sits in the bag.
50:37If I bring the bag out, you'll see he jumps in it so quickly.
50:39He loves it.
50:40I want that.
50:41It's a crossbody.
50:43You can do it.
50:44I want that.
50:45Bring Abbey with you.
50:46And I want him to be old.
50:47Yeah, he's eight.
50:48Do a senior dog.
50:50Yeah, you're basically like hospice for them.
50:52Yeah.
50:52It sucks.
50:52And the medical bills.
50:53They're still years.
50:54The medical bill isn't worth it.
50:55You have to have dog insurance.
50:56You have to have pet insurance.
50:57Yeah.
50:58I hear that's a scam.
50:59I hear it's like these massive deductibles and it doesn't count.
51:04It has to be a downer.
51:05Everyone's upset.
51:06Do you want to get pet insurance?
51:07Get pet insurance.
51:07Wiggles is not happy right now.
51:08Wiggles is like, I just want health care.
51:11Did he get into your pills?
51:13He seems a little bit.
51:14He had bacon for breakfast.
51:15I opened a bagel.
51:16Does he look stoned?
51:17He's so cute.
51:18He's high on bacon.
51:19Is he crying?
51:20Well, he just misses his real parents.
51:23He does the international I'm being trafficked signal with his paws.
51:26Does he like sit and stay or?
51:28He sits and stays.
51:29He's perfect.
51:30He doesn't do anything.
51:31He doesn't eat though.
51:32He's like a closet eater.
51:34He won't eat in front of people or me.
51:36And if you turn your head, he'll eat.
51:37He gets embarrassed.
51:38This is my thing with dogs.
51:40And I don't want to be controversial right now.
51:42I just think a lot of people are like, I love dogs.
51:44But then whenever they're with their dog, all they're doing is like.
51:46Yelling.
51:47Shut up.
51:47Sit down.
51:48Sorry.
51:49Get over there.
51:50And that's all they do with the dog.
51:51And I'm like, do you love the dog?
51:53This is where some like trauma, weird attention bond thing happening.
51:57So this dog I love because it's like you're not yelling at him the whole time.
52:00And it's not yours.
52:01It's like we can enjoy it and then we're done.
52:03I love the dog until I had to take it out to take a shit in the rain.
52:05And then I was like, you know what?
52:07Yeah.
52:07I don't know if this is for me.
52:08Yeah.
52:08That's why I let him use my litter box.
52:11No, he would fit in the litter box.
52:14Like drunk at a party.
52:15I have a friend who did.
52:16I did.
52:17If there's a litter box, he will be in it.
52:18You peed in a litter box?
52:19Yeah.
52:19You never have?
52:20I've never pissed in a litter box.
52:22Imagine the cat a day later being like, what?
52:24We grew up with one shower and one bathroom in my house.
52:27That's why you have a good personality.
52:29Yeah.
52:29They have a human sized litter box.
52:32Go to the Kamasthas, they use a litter box.
52:32You start kicking when you're done.
52:34It's just a pit in the middle of the living room.
52:35You kick the litter.
52:36Mellow.
52:37I do think, but yeah, walking a dog in the rain is when you realize you're a mother.
52:42Like you're a single mother.
52:43With an umbrella hold over him.
52:44Yeah.
52:45So he doesn't get wet.
52:45Des would be okay with you guys like having a dog permanently?
52:48Des loves dogs.
52:49We can't have it permanently because we travel.
52:51But Butter does not fuck with other dogs or any other animal.
52:56She's the queen of the house.
52:57So he's upset about that.
52:59And you can leave Butters by herself when you travel though, right?
53:01Well, that's a great thing about Butter.
53:02She's a cat sitter.
53:04Cats are so independent.
53:07But the problem with Butter is I got her when I had a nine to five.
53:10My life was really easy.
53:11So now like we have cat sitters when I'm gone, but she doesn't love when I'm gone.
53:17Yeah.
53:18I'm her person.
53:18I'm her everything.
53:19She starts screaming when you get home.
53:21When I'm gone, Des is like her mistress.
53:24She'll sleep with him.
53:26But the second I come back, she pretends she never met him.
53:28Oh, my God.
53:29She has a cold shoulder.
53:30Yeah.
53:30He's like, we spent all night together.
53:32And she's like, I've never seen that man in my life.
53:33Can I ask you a question?
53:35As someone who's married, Joey and I are both...
53:38Oh, I thought you were gonna ask for money.
53:39I was gonna ask for more money.
53:43Joey and I are both...
53:44What's it called?
53:44You're ordained?
53:46Like what is it called when you marry someone?
53:47All three of us are.
53:48Yeah.
53:49So Joey and I are both marrying people this fall.
53:54And do you have any advice for like you're married?
53:56What should be done?
53:57What shouldn't be done?
53:58How long it should be?
53:59Whatever.
53:59He got tired just thinking about it.
54:02I do think they picked you because they clearly...
54:05Unless if they're random people.
54:06Are these random people?
54:07No, no, no.
54:07That's my sister.
54:08Okay, they're friends.
54:08She's like obligated.
54:10On Craigslist, they were like, can I have a gay just do my wedding who has a good personality?
54:15I think you definitely don't wanna...
54:18It's like hanging out with Hailey Bieber.
54:19You don't wanna overstep, but you also don't wanna be boring.
54:24So there's that in between.
54:25And you also don't wanna do inside jokes that only you guys know.
54:28So it's like...
54:29That's gonna be a struggle for me.
54:29Don't make it too long.
54:32Be cute and then end with something sweet.
54:35And that like 10 minutes.
54:3810 minutes.
54:38Like total?
54:39Whatever they prefer.
54:41So I have to talk to my sister.
54:43No, you talk to the congregation.
54:45You're talking to everyone and you'll be like,
54:47we're so happy these two here.
54:49But lean into the humor.
54:50I have to say mine.
54:52We had a family friend who's a judge do it.
54:54And he was hilarious to the point that like...
54:56He was court ordered.
54:57He was court ordered.
54:59They got married at the jailhouse.
55:01But he was killing to the point that like I was getting heckled.
55:04Like people were like yelling stuff.
55:05Like it felt like an open mic.
55:07It was funny.
55:08People were...
55:09And that energy was really nice.
55:11I think having laughter is important, but that's my perspective.
55:16If your sister's a serious person, she might be like...
55:18Okay.
55:18I just want to have to talk.
55:19I feel like awkward about even asking her what she wants.
55:23I think you would say, are there any points you need me to hit?
55:25Or like, is there...
55:26How would you describe him or something?
55:28Should I do like a sneaky, like send me something about him?
55:31And hey, send me something about her and then...
55:33I think that's cute.
55:34Cat's out of the bag.
55:34Sorry, Kelly.
55:35I like how you're asking.
55:37You're asking me.
55:38This is no longer a podcast.
55:39It's me just asking you.
55:40Also on the record, it's like, well, Hannah Brenner told me too.
55:43So yeah.
55:43I'm quoting you.
55:45I write yours and you write mine.
55:46I would love nothing more.
55:49Jay will go, Aloo Akbar, Jihad.
55:52Again, it's not about what you say.
55:54Get out your prayer rugs.
55:55It's how you make them feel.
55:57It's how you make them feel.
55:58So remember that it's like you putting in positive energy, being happy.
56:02Say something sweet about being her brother.
56:05And being upset he's replacing you or something.
56:08Like those kind of cute...
56:09But you know when people make jokes in these wedding speeches where you're like,
56:12that was...
56:13There was undertones of truth to that.
56:15And then you feel the family tension.
56:16You're like, oh, that's going to be talked about for two months after this.
56:19Yeah.
56:20My family's a little worried.
56:21Now, I think my mother just doesn't want me to get liquored up before.
56:24Before the church?
56:25No, before she's like, you have to not be too hung over for this.
56:28Why am I going to be hung over?
56:29I'd rather you be hung over than plastered.
56:31Yeah.
56:31No, you can't be drunk during that.
56:32Yeah.
56:33We got yelled at.
56:34Who's texting you?
56:34Jordan Barry.
56:35She says, wrap it up.
56:36You know what, Jordan?
56:37Oh, yeah.
56:37I forgot.
56:38Are you doing another show today?
56:40I'm doing Your Archnemesis' Chicks.
56:43Chicks in the Office.
56:43Yeah.
56:44I'm never invited on the man pods.
56:46That's sad.
56:47Because they're going to get boned up.
56:48They can't handle it.
56:49They can't handle it.
56:50You should.
56:50I literally told Francis, I was like, I don't get invited on the man ones.
56:53And he goes, but you're doing About and About.
56:55And I said, um...
56:58That's sexist.
56:58He goes, sorry, I'm on the phone right now.
56:59For the girls.
57:00For the girls.
57:01Wait, are you guys fighting with Francis right now?
57:03Are you guys good?
57:04No, we're good.
57:04He's a nice powwow with him today.
57:06We're talking about our weekends and...
57:07Yeah, we love Francis.
57:08Do you like how he's growing his hair out?
57:09I love growing hair out.
57:10I noticed that.
57:11It's giving Disney Prince, who traumatized me.
57:13Who's an actor now.
57:14But I like it.
57:15He's in an in-between spot.
57:16He's a Netflix actor.
57:18You're a Netflix stand-up comedian.
57:20Yes.
57:21Out June, July 9th.
57:23That's right.
57:23Which will be now.
57:24Three or four days ago.
57:25Make sure you check out...
57:26What was the name of your special?
57:27We Ride at Dawn.
57:28We Ride at Dawn in a copper two-piece.
57:31Hannah Burner looks hot and she's on top of the world.
57:33Congratulations on all your success, mama.
57:34Thank you, babe. I love you guys so much.
57:35Love you.