- 2 years ago
https://youtube.com/@usmankhan-qi1uv?si=UMS3j3h3uBFUHUNq
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00:00As-salamu alaykum, Mr. Khan.
00:03Wa alaykum as-salam.
00:04Hello, Dave.
00:07What are you doing?
00:08We are changing the toner cartridge.
00:10I think some people have been abusing the system.
00:13You're supposed to put money in the tin whenever you use it.
00:16Someone's not been paying up.
00:18Terrible. You can't trust anyone these days.
00:23Are you going to be long?
00:24Why?
00:25I need to use the office when I go to prayer auditions.
00:27You're having them in here?
00:28This is my office.
00:30Dave, this is the azan we're talking about.
00:32It's a little bit more important than the bloody photocopier.
00:35Surely an even more important thing would be to have the azan 24 hours a day.
00:39We should be lobbying the council to let us.
00:4124 hours a day?
00:43This isn't an all-night petrol station.
00:46This is the house of God.
00:48But the azan is actually quite important.
00:50Yes, but in the middle of the night. It wakes you up.
00:53It's supposed to wake you up. It's the call to prayer.
00:56Look, all these gimmicky things, it's not what being a Muslim is all about.
01:01It's not your fault. You're new. You're on this sort of Muslim YTS scheme.
01:08You're not expected to understand everything straight away.
01:11Look, it's a big issue. A lot of our young people are quite worked up about it.
01:14Is it? What about my issues?
01:17I'm a family man with responsibilities.
01:19My daughter's getting married. I'm like the lion at the head of the pride.
01:23Back home, we have a saying.
01:25Every morning when the gazelle wakes up, he must run faster than the lion or he will be killed.
01:32When the lion wakes, he must outrun the gazelle or he will starve.
01:38Whether you are a gazelle or a lion, when the sun comes up, you better be running.
01:52What the hell has that got to do with it?
01:55You said the thing about the lion.
01:58Right, come on. Off you go. I've got to set up.
02:01Mr Khan, this is my office.
02:03All right, Dev. As we say in Pakistan, keep your knickers on.
02:10You can stay in here. You can be on the panel.
02:12No, I don't think you... Really?
02:15Yes. You look like you know a thing or two about performing arts.
02:19You gingers are quite exotic.
02:23Well, I did do a drama module at Walsall Technical College.
02:26There you go.
02:27People still talk about my Titus Andronicus.
02:31What?
02:32We could be a showbiz couple like Lennon and McCartney.
02:35Yes, or like Rod Hull and Emu.
02:38Come on, out you go.
02:40Hey, maybe Riaz should go for it. He loves singing. Don't you, Riaz?
02:43Oh, yes. I do a lot of karaoke. I like Shania Twain.
02:48Man, I feel like a woman.
02:51No, thank you.
02:52Pakistan!
02:53Zindabad!
02:54Pakistan!
02:55Zindabad!
02:56As-salamu alaykum. Hello, Dev.
02:59How are you today, my brother?
03:01Well, for a starters, I'm not your brother.
03:03Seriously, Dev, I've told you this before.
03:05What part of I'm not your brother don't you understand?
03:08Well, I just thought we're getting to know each other now and...
03:11We are?
03:12You know, we get on pretty well.
03:13We do?
03:14And you call me Dev, so maybe I should call you...
03:16Mr Khan.
03:17Right.
03:19How are you today, Mr Khan?
03:21Fine, thank you, Dev.
03:22Now, where's the TV?
03:23What do you want the TV for?
03:25To watch the cricket!
03:26England v Pakistan!
03:28We're all watching it, aren't we, boys?
03:30Oh, yes. Pakistan! Zindabad!
03:33Zindabad!
03:35Right. Well, I was just trying to sort out all these old books for the mosque children's book club.
03:40The what?
03:41It's a new thing. My idea, actually.
03:43I thought it'd be a good way of attracting in new members.
03:46New members? This is a mosque, Dev. Not LA Fitness.
03:51And this is no good. The Three Little Pigs.
03:57We're Muslim, Dev, remember?
04:01I suppose I could always do it later.
04:03I may be a man of God these days, but I'm still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow.
04:13The cricket.
04:14All right, well, that's the spirit.
04:16You know, being a Muslim isn't just about growing beards and reading the Quran, you know.
04:21Isn't it?
04:22Oh, no. It's the whole package. Culture, community, cricket.
04:27The three Cs.
04:28Exactly. Pakistan!
04:30Zindabad!
04:33Reception's not great, I'm afraid, but if you twiddle the aerial a bit, you can usually get something.
04:38What the hell is that?
04:40It's the TV.
04:41That's not a TV. That's a bloody microwave.
04:45Where's the other one? The big one?
04:47Oh, we got rid of it. Quite a few of the women's group raised objections.
04:51See, this is the difference between English men and Pakistani men.
04:56In Pakistani community, men is in charge. King of the castle.
05:00Women's are more like dirty rascal.
05:03You don't get rid of the TV just because women say so.
05:06You think I got teeny tiny TV in my house?
05:08I've got brand new 42-inch plajma hi-fi Def Jam surround soundie.
05:14You can't expect us to watch the cricket on that thing.
05:17It is a conundrum.
05:18Conundrum? It's a bloody disaster.
05:22What to do?
05:23We could watch it at yours.
05:24What?
05:25We were thinking we could watch it on your new television.
05:27Well, we could, but...
05:28Great idea. Be like a boy's night out.
05:30Hang on, Dave.
05:31I thought you had the 42-inch surround soundie.
05:32Yes, I have. So what's the problem?
05:34You don't have the surround soundie?
05:35Yes, but...
05:36That's settled then. We're watching it at yours.
05:38Right. Fine. No problem.
05:40We'll watch it at mine.
05:41Green army!
05:42Green army!
05:43Green army!
05:44Green army!
05:45I love being a Muslim.
05:48What's the problem?
05:49The computer's not working.
05:50Oh, calm down, Dave.
05:53This is the problem with you gingers.
05:55Very little patience.
05:58It's this new spreadsheet programmer.
06:00I thought it might streamline the mosque's booking system,
06:02but it keeps crashing.
06:04Maybe it has a virus.
06:06Like my uncle. He caught it from a goat.
06:10Not like that. They were just good friends.
06:14Right, come on. Get out of the way. Let me take a look.
06:16Right.
06:20So, every time I open up the spreadsheet thingy,
06:23it starts out OK, and then the whole lot just seems to freeze,
06:26and nothing seems to, uh...
06:29work, and then...
06:32What are you doing?
06:34Googling Mr Javed.
06:37I don't see how that's going to solve the problem.
06:39I didn't say I could solve the problem.
06:42You know, this computer should really only be used for mosque business, Mr Khan.
06:45Well, I go to the mosque, and this is my business.
06:48Good one.
06:49That's not what I meant.
06:51And I need you to post this for me, too.
06:53What is it?
06:54Wedding invitation.
06:55Mrs Khan has suddenly remembered another best friend.
06:59The Parvaz family?
07:00Yes, they used to live next door to us.
07:02Had the boy with the funny eye.
07:05There's no stamp on it?
07:06So?
07:07Again, it's not really mosque business, is it, Mr Khan?
07:10You know, Dave, all this penny-pinching, it's a very unattractive trade.
07:15Mr Javed!
07:17Oh, Mr Javed.
07:18Salam-Alaikum.
07:19Wa-Alaikum-Salam.
07:20Wa-Alaikum-Salam.
07:21I'm not interrupting, am I?
07:23Not at all. I'm all yours.
07:25Actually, it's, uh, Dave I wanted to speak to.
07:28Got some posts.
07:30SPBA business?
07:31Of course, Mr Javed.
07:32Uh, no stamps, I'm afraid.
07:34Not a problem.
07:37Mr Javed!
07:38Yes?
07:39I wanted to invite you to my daughter's wedding.
07:42Uh.
07:43Yes, all you and the family.
07:45I've got an invitation right here.
07:47I was going to put it in the post, but now that you're here.
07:50Uh, thank you. We'd be delighted.
07:53Really? Brilliant!
07:55Khuda hafiz.
07:56Khuda hafiz!
07:57Let me get the door.
07:59Oh, goodbye.
08:00What a man.
08:01I thought that invitation was for the man with the cross-eyed children.
08:07Mr Javed is a very important man.
08:09It'd be a great honour to have him at my daughter's wedding.
08:12Do you think Mrs Khan will see it that way?
08:14Of course.
08:15But don't tell her.
08:16Why not?
08:18Dave, what you have to understand is
08:20that in Pakistani marriage, husband is in charge.
08:23He's the boss, and he can do whatever he wants.
08:26But sometimes it's best not to tell the wife what he's done
08:29because she would never understand and only worry and fuss
08:32and make him sleep on the downstairs sofa.
08:35I'm going to have the Sparkle Women's Day Group coffee morning next Tuesday.
08:39How am I supposed to...
08:40Maybe you should spend more time listening to your own daughter
08:42instead of your gossipy mates.
08:44Who was that?
08:46Just Dave, Amjad, and Imran Pervez's uncle.
08:50Oh, my God.
08:51Why is this happening to me?
08:53Because you and Imran wonky-eye were up in your room
08:56doing biology practicals.
08:59But we weren't. I keep telling you.
09:01That's not what we've heard.
09:02From who?
09:03Where's all this come from?
09:05What kind of an idiot would start a rumour like that?
09:10A very nice idiot who loves you very much.
09:14Dad!
09:15But it's okay, Betty.
09:16I didn't believe it for a moment.
09:18Because you made it all up.
09:20Oh, yes.
09:23You made it up?
09:25Huh.
09:26Why?
09:27Well, I was going to invite the Pervez's like you wanted,
09:31but then I bumped into Mr. Javed, you see.
09:34Are you telling me that you invented
09:36an imaginary love affair for your own daughter
09:39just so you could invite some business contact
09:41who we don't even know to a wedding?
09:46Let's not get bogged down with who said what to who.
09:49The good news is, I was lying.
09:53Yes, and now you're going to tell the truth.
09:56You are going to go in there and tell everyone what you've done
09:59and clear Shazia's name,
10:01and then I'll be able to show my face
10:03at the Sparkhill Women's Day group coffee morning next Tuesday.
10:06But...
10:07Go!
10:08Okay.
10:09What? So I didn't snog Imran Pervez,
10:11so now there's no scandal and everything's okay again.
10:13Is that it?
10:14Um...
10:15Yes.
10:16Yes.
10:17What if I did go out with Imran Pervez?
10:19What if I did go out with Imran Pervez?
10:21What if I went out with Imran Pervez
10:23and then I moved on to his brothers?
10:25Oh, right, because of his funny eye.
10:28What if I went out with half of Sparkhill?
10:30Would that matter to you?
10:31Which half are we talking about?
10:33That's not the point.
10:35Don't you see?
10:36My body is my own.
10:38It doesn't belong to anyone else.
10:39I can do what I want with it.
10:41It shouldn't matter to Amjad what I've done in the past.
10:44And it shouldn't matter to you either.
10:47She's right.
10:48Is she?
10:50Of course.
10:52We're her parents.
10:53We should support her no matter what.
10:56Oh, I'm so sorry, baby.
10:58I don't deserve to have such a wonderful daughter.
11:01Mom.
11:02You're so smart and pretty and kind.
11:05And I'm a silly old woman and a terrible mother.
11:08Mom.
11:09You're not a terrible mother.
11:11Don't interrupt her, sweetie.
11:18I love you.
11:19I love you.
11:20I love you.
11:21I love you.
11:22I love you.
11:23I love you.
11:24I love you.
11:25I love you.
11:26I love you.
11:27I love you.
11:28I love you.
11:29I love you.
11:30I love you.
11:31I love you.
11:32I love you.
11:33I love you.
11:34I love you.
11:35I love you.
11:36I love you.
11:37I love you.
11:38I love you.
11:39I love you.
11:40I love you.
11:41I love you.
11:42I love you.
11:43I love you.
11:44I love you.
11:45I love you.
11:46I love you.
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