Hey Joel Hey Joel E002 Tattoos and Taboos
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00:00Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais j'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:02Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais j'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:04J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:06J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:08J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:10J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:12J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:14J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:16J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:18J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:20J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:22J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:24J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:26J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:28J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:30J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:32J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:34J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:36J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:38J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:40J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:42J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:44J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:46J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:48J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:50J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:52J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:54J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:56J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
00:58J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:00J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:02J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:04J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:06J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:08J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:10J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:12J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:14J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:16J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:18J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:20J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:22J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:24J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:26J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:28J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:30J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:32J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:34J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:36J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:38J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:40J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:42J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:44J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:46J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:48J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:50J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:52J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:54J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:56J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
01:58J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:00J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:02J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:04J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:06J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:08J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:10J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:12J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:14J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:16J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:18J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:20J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:22J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:24J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:26J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:28J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:30J'ai l'impression d'être dans un film d'horreur.
02:32Hi Kev, are the Daria Donuts fresh today?
02:34Hi Kev, are the Daria Donuts fresh today?
02:36I don't know, these are the Divas Summer Tour Donuts.
02:38Oh, thanks for the warning.
02:40Hey, they're named for the Divas, not made by the Divas.
02:42Huh, ground class.
02:44May I take that?
02:46Thanks. Impressive organization, sir.
02:48Is it a mania?
02:50Skills learned as a young man never depart.
02:52You really whip it.
02:54Boy, that's what I call it, the whip.
02:56I am Lazlo, a professional men's room attendant.
02:58Once, we were in all the finest hotels and restaurants.
03:00But today, I have no men's room to attend.
03:02I am the last of my kind. Sit.
03:04Oh boy, I love a good life story.
03:06Oh boy, I love a good life story.
03:08Thanks for coming, Michael.
03:10Pleasure's mine. I insisted on doing three minutes with Joel.
03:12It never fails to make me wince.
03:14It's idiotic tangents, monitoring complacency of the host,
03:16college paper wisdom.
03:18How I like my own music, in other words.
03:20This guy gets me. My whole attack.
03:22And he's filled with tasty self-loathing.
03:24And yet, all I can think about is going to sleep.
03:26To dream of pigs.
03:28This lovely bit with Leif Garrett.
03:30Preternaturally defining, well, what I don't know.
03:32I can't even finish this sentence.
03:34I can't even finish this sentence.
03:36So, Leif Garrett is off heroin for good.
03:38Must be great to sit here smiling and not really thinking,
03:40Oh God, how I want to escape this hell pit of a pseudo talk show
03:42Oh God, how I want to escape this hell pit of a pseudo talk show
03:44by nodding out to some sweet, sweet Mexican mud.
03:46Your rage towards your guest is so palpable, it's endearing.
03:48Your rage towards your guest is so palpable, it's endearing.
03:50Is that a word, endearing?
03:52You'll inject that astonishing tone into my three minutes dine.
03:54I know.
03:56Pigs.
03:58Do you have, um, what do you call them around here?
04:00Band-aids?
04:02Hurry.
04:04For 52 years, I was the men's room attendant at Grand Central Station.
04:06For 52 years, I was the men's room attendant at Grand Central Station.
04:08Until they spiffed it up for the damn full millennium.
04:10Until they spiffed it up for the damn full millennium.
04:12Automated hand dryers, self-flushing urinals.
04:14My life was over.
04:18So that's the whip.
04:20Ah, the whip, my signature.
04:22Got its name in 1958,
04:24when Gunther Gable Williams, the most famous lion tamer of them all,
04:26when Gunther Gable Williams, the most famous lion tamer of them all,
04:28came in my place of business,
04:30to make it his place for doing his business.
04:32That joke used to kill in the toilets.
04:34I will not mince words.
04:36In your towel snap, I detect the very same sound
04:38I myself produce at Centering
04:40when I lash my power whip at the big cats.
04:42So you began calling it the whip.
04:44Was that the beginning of a lifelong friendship with Gunther Gable Williams?
04:46What?
04:48He left without so much as a quarter in the caboodle cup.
04:54Do that again.
04:56I've never so anticipated an interview.
04:58Joel is so unquagmired in the celebrity hamster wheel.
05:00What a rush.
05:02Hold still.
05:04I'm getting set. I'm getting wet.
05:06Geez, Kevin, a little help?
05:08Please, please, take it.
05:10You could be the future of the men's room attendant.
05:12You shouldn't have followed me here, Laszlo.
05:14I'm honored, but my job needs me. I'm essential.
05:16Kevin, bring the bottle opener that doesn't hurt when you use it.
05:18One minute.
05:20Let's go, Kev.
05:22Find a sink and see if you're any good with soap flakes.
05:24I'm sorry, Laszlo.
05:26Goodbye.
05:28Remember,
05:30no holds barred.
05:32Dream interview, Michael Stipe.
05:34I never read reviews.
05:36My very good friend Bono.
05:40So I said...
05:42What's going on here?
05:44Share, sweetie.
05:46Everything I ask him, I get this endless loop of showbiz goop.
05:48Yet oddly, my spidey sense is tingling.
05:52That's it.
05:54Hey, Michael, all great artists dream.
05:56Tell me your all-time favorite dream.
05:58Dreams? I told you.
06:00Well, do you mind a little raunch?
06:02I call this my naked, degraded Grammy's dream.
06:04Lucky. Very lucky.
06:06First, let me tell you mine. I bet it's better.
06:08Imagine the movie A Hard Day's Night,
06:10only instead of the Beatles, pigs!
06:12Incredible Beatles pigs!
06:14Kevin, tell Joel I want to see him the moment we wrap.
06:16And Kevin, call maintenance.
06:18That guy over there looks dead.
06:22Oh, Laszlo,
06:24where did the time go?
06:28How will we make it through
06:30our next trip to the loo
06:32without you?
06:36You were more than a standard American.
06:38You're the reason
06:40the room is called Gentlemen.
06:42You may take in the leek,
06:44seem so elegant.
06:46Oh, Laszlo,
06:48Kevin,
06:50now that Laszlo's in heaven,
06:54will you carry the torch
06:56or will you lock the door
06:58on the past?
07:02Cause the world's not the place
07:04that it used to be,
07:06and we're all on our own
07:08when we've gotta pee.
07:10Where's the style, where's the grace,
07:12where's the dignity?
07:14What can we do?
07:16Oh, Kevin,
07:18can't you see?
07:20It's all up to you.
07:46You one-hit wonder,
07:48I don't care how tight that blouse is,
07:50you're never coming back on my show
07:52to bore all three members of the VH1 audience to death.
07:54Enough!
07:5611 a.m. tomorrow?
07:58Dr. Kitty Zerman?
08:00Company shrinker, you need to sort out
08:02some of these issues you have with celebrities.
08:04My dream was better than his!
08:06The audience wanted to hear his!
08:08Company shrink. I can't believe this.
08:10Wipe them dry, sir?
08:12Perhaps a wintergreen splash?
08:14What the hell are you doing, Kevin?
08:16Preserving a culture, Laszlo's culture.
08:18Toilet-servant culture? Or am I missing something?
08:20Laszlo's dead. He selected me
08:22to keep his world alive.
08:24I used to dream of unearthing ink and ruins in the jungles.
08:26I accept now that this is probably
08:28as close as I'll get.
08:30You're 22, you're talking like an old man, you're saying...
08:32You put the whites on, you sense your limitations
08:34and the death of possibility, I mean in good ways.
08:36That's annoying.
08:38How can you do this and work on 3 Minutes with Joel?
08:40Are you saying I can't be a production assistant
08:42and a men's room attendant?
08:44It does sound daunting.
08:46Current periodicals, sir?
08:48Argosy, Field and Stream, just came in.
08:50My, that's a fine bass on the cover.
08:54Yeah?
08:56Hey, thanks for doing the Mark McGrath pre-interview
08:58so I can finally get home to dream.
09:00Wait, are you trying to get a date off him?
09:02You are!
09:04I have a little crush. For years. To death.
09:06Michel?
09:08There he is.
09:10Done.
09:12Now one for you. Would you like to meet my parents?
09:14Are we maybe moving a little fast?
09:16Oh no, I have to go.
09:18What, I didn't say no on the parents, it's sweet, just...
09:20Sure.
09:22No, I forgot. Early shrink appointment. I hate those.
09:24They're such phonies.
09:26Mine's so wise.
09:28Never quit.
09:30But they judge you on your dreams and my dreams blow.
09:32Oh, I'm running in place and not getting anywhere.
09:34That is a little 5th grade.
09:36I know! When will I have that dream where my parents
09:38want to impress my shrink with an amazing dream?
09:40Is that so weak?
09:42Do I help this guy? He wants me to meet his parents.
09:44How about a hard day's night,
09:46only with pigs as the Beatles?
09:48Dreamed it last night. It's yours. Take it.
09:54Joel, promise not to laugh,
09:56but I can't stop thinking about your superb dreams.
10:08Were you dreaming?
10:10Because that's a nice dream you gave me, but honestly,
10:12I think it's a little thin to fill 50 minutes.
10:14What else you got?
10:16I wasn't dreaming. It's late.
10:18You know who you gotta meet? My sister. I love her.
10:20And you are just like her. Okay, bye.
10:22Dream me something.
10:24Mark, are we still on with your parents?
10:26That's it?
10:28I tell you my pig Beatles dream and you just stare?
10:30Heard it already today.
10:32Heard it? That's impossible, it's mine.
10:34Please, a commercial jingle leaks into the unconscious,
10:36and everyone thinks, see, I am this exceptional person
10:38with my Doritos dream.
10:40My mother only dreamed of soda.
10:42I am the person of consequence.
10:44You patients disgust me.
10:46Who else had my dream?
10:48A celebrity. One of my private patients.
10:52Now I've got VH1 women demanding a ladies' room matron.
10:54We're not budgeted for this, Joel.
10:56Get Kevin out of the men's room.
10:58Today!
11:02Our dream killed this AM.
11:04Nice, our dream.
11:06This will make a funny story when I meet your parents.
11:08Right, but you know, it ran short.
11:10I had to fluff it out with one of mine.
11:12My dream? You fluffed out my Beatles dream?
11:14Yeah, I went with, I'm screaming, but nobody hears me!
11:16With my Beatles pigs?
11:18You know how original that is?
11:20You spit on it.
11:22Look, I'm willing to pay you for your dreams.
11:24What am I, your dream whore? Pay your sister.
11:28So, Mark, written any new songs?
11:30Or are you just about written out by now?
11:32I wrote a new song today, and I owe it all to your producer, Michelle.
11:34Really?
11:36Yeah, it's a haunting song about sleeping with a dreamer just to get her dream.
11:38And don't we all do that from time to time?
11:40I think we all use our brains to make some sense from time to time,
11:42but this isn't one of those times.
11:44And the sex was kind of loopy,
11:46better than a groupie,
11:48but not by much.
11:52That's where I hear a sitar,
11:54and in the video, pigs and Beatles haircuts will do the chorus.
11:58You traded my dream for a one-night stand.
12:00I barely held hands with him.
12:02It was my dream. You didn't even dream it.
12:04Well, I could have dreamed it.
12:06And you know what? Who says I won't?
12:08I'm going to dream it tonight.
12:10I can't believe you did this.
12:12Aqua Velva picked me up, sir.
12:14And don't miss this year's Divas.
12:16Debbie Reynolds, Connie Francis...
12:18I thought you liked the toilet news.
12:20Distracting to the patrons.
12:22What patrons? People are afraid to come in here.
12:24Kevin, in preserving the culture of the men's room attendant,
12:26you're actually destroying the vibrant culture
12:28of the men's room.
12:30Those who come after me will have their work cut out for them.
12:32See the new Mercury's?
12:34That comet.
12:36You know, Kev, when 15 minutes with Joel
12:38became 3 minutes with Joel,
12:40I didn't hear you bellowing about all that lost culture.
12:4212 minutes where I could have asked Method Man
12:44if he needed a knife to eat steak with all those gold teeth.
12:46Gone.
12:48Look at you. You're worn out.
12:50Up all night doing two jobs.
12:52What if I made you choose?
12:54The latrine or the celebrity talk show?
12:56The stars. When those days are gone forever.
12:58Ah.
13:00Ah, Kevin.
13:02I owe it to Laszlo that his life's work
13:04will not be forgotten.
13:06Z-Call for you two?
13:08Yes. Immediately.
13:10Me too. Any thoughts?
13:12I'm fired. You're fired. The show's cancelled.
13:14Real dark horse. We've slipped through a wormhole in time.
13:16It's 2702 and a monkey named Simas is president.
13:18Look, whatever's behind that door is really bad.
13:20We're gonna need to show solidarity.
13:22Solidarity. Solid.
13:24We can't turn on each other unless it's absolutely necessary.
13:28Hi, kids.
13:30Hello. He enters supplying the emotional and moral centre
13:32we otherwise lack.
13:34God, he's annoying.
13:36And he's your fan.
13:38We have some pretty big news and we wanted you to hear it.
13:40This isn't the news, but my very good friend Bono
13:42says that he'll come on your show.
13:44He wants to get, um, stung by the stein.
13:46Wow. We've been trying to get him.
13:48I even bribed him. Nothing.
13:50Leftover Halloween candy corn isn't an impact bribe.
13:52Candy corn is omni-seasonal.
13:54Do you want to reopen that debate?
13:56Because I will win it again.
13:58Anyway, thanks. I didn't think you liked being on 3 Minutes.
14:00Which brings us to the real news.
14:02I haven't been able to get your pig Beatles dream out of my head.
14:04Thank you. Mine.
14:06I talked it over with REM and we want to make it the basis
14:08of our next album, so we've made an offer.
14:10And it's been accepted.
14:12Wait, money? Won't I need an agent?
14:14I shouldn't, but I'll cut you in.
14:16That's very generous, but I think you're about to get cut out.
14:18Joel, the network position...
14:20...is that VH1 owns anything uttered on its shows by its employees.
14:22There you are, Michelle.
14:24I just wanted to tell you in the friendliest way
14:26that I chatted with my attorney about my dream,
14:28which may or may not bear a similarity to a dream of yours.
14:30Which similarity is hereafter referred to
14:32as the coincidence?
14:34It's not her dream. It's my dream.
14:36And I own his dream.
14:38You sold it to Joel? You are shameless.
14:40No, I sold it to REM. It's VH1's dream.
14:42No, it's my dream.
14:44Ask my psychiatrist.
14:46Hey, we must have the same shrink.
14:48Who can I tell? Wait, is that lame?
14:50Well, REM owns your dream now, uh, Joel.
14:52You mean my dream?
14:54That's gonna be the centerpiece of Sugar Ray's
14:56next hit album, Worst Sex I Ever Had?
14:58He doesn't mean me. I'm not getting that.
15:00Well, I'll sue.
15:02No, I'll sue.
15:04I can't believe this. You guys are haggling over my dream,
15:06and I, Dreamer 1, am getting nothing.
15:08Well, we're getting Bono, right?
15:10Almost definite, maybe.
15:12First they take your minutes, then your dreams,
15:14then your soul.
15:16Boy.
15:20Wait. This has to stop.
15:22Too much menthol, sir?
15:24Kevin, you've got a great heart.
15:26Trying to preserve Laszlo's stupid culture,
15:28I almost admire you for it. Stop doing that.
15:30But sometimes, useless things die off.
15:32Austro-Hungary. Fusenglacia.
15:34Coed naked lacrosse T-shirts.
15:36Mike Ovitz. The XFL.
15:38The world gets too crowded, and some useless crap
15:40that we love fires off into the void.
15:42You gotta let it go.
15:44They're still screaming at each other, and Z wants you.
15:46This is a men's lavatory, missy!
15:48All right, what we need here is a good compromise.
15:50The kind of thing that kept the Beatles together.
15:52Wait, am I wrong about that?
16:14No one really listens to either one these days
16:16We can all just calm our egos down
16:18We'll put our heads together, make a brand new sound
16:20Soon there'll be plenty of money to go around
16:22Why don't we meet in the middle
16:24Why can't we just compromise
16:26So that they hop right, right down the middle
16:28I know we can do it
16:30Yeah, we can do it
16:32If we try
16:34If we try
16:36If we try
16:38If we try
16:40If we try
16:42If we try
17:12Yeah, of course, it's a small thing.
17:14You're getting along so well. Or is that just showbiz fakerudie?
17:16No.
17:18Don't. Don't, don't me.
17:20I told you, it's a
17:22No, no, no.
17:24It's a
17:28Duck! It's a melody war.
17:34Stop tape!
17:36I got an idea.
17:42This is great, Joel.
17:44Now the whip will live forever on a potential Grammy song
17:46And I can get out of these stinky clothes.
17:48Does this song say Grammy to you?
17:50Take that, you bastard.
17:52If they can work through their creative differences.
17:54Enjoy some peanut M&M's.
17:56And I think they can.
18:00So that's it, Joel.
18:02In your dreams, you think everyone is a big phony pig.
18:04Except you.
18:06Some breakthrough.
18:08I was challenged.
18:10Look at him. Uh, me.
18:12VH1 says they own my dream.
18:14That it's not mine anymore.
18:16But look at that angel. You think they can prevent him from dreaming?
18:18No way.
18:20It's my unconscious, after all. My unconscious.
18:22And yes, here come my piggies now.
18:24Hey, let's go!
18:26Sorry, Joel Stein isn't joined from ever dreaming about us again.
18:28Without express permission in writing
18:30From Sugar Ray Toons Inc., Atlantic.
18:32And REM Co., WB.
18:34Which permission should never be granted.
18:36Our names, titles and images
18:38Are no longer your property, Joel.
18:40You must stay 100 feet away from this dream at all times.
18:42I'm from Brittany.
18:46That still goes.
19:08I'm from Brittany.