Carla Abellana Says A Mama's Boy Is "Worth Pursuing" If He's Willing To Put You First

2 years ago

In this #CosmoChallenge episode, Cosmopolitan Women Of Influence 2024 awardee #CarlaAbellana answers questions on love and relationships. From dating a mama's boy to struggling as a breadwinner, learn what advice the actress has to share to solve these relatable problems.

VIDEO PRODUCED BY:
Ira Nopuente, Andie Estella
VIDEO SHOT BY:
Jez Villapando, Richford Unciano
VIDEO EDITED BY:
Jez Villapando

Transcript

00:00 You should actually be proud of that. You shouldn't be sad, pressured, jealous, angry or what.

00:07 You should really be proud of yourself. Hello everyone, this is Karla Abellana and for today's

00:12 Cosmo Challenge, I'll read your letters and try my very best to give you life advice. Let's start.

00:22 Question number one. My boyfriend wants to split all expenses 50/50 as in everything from grab fair

00:30 to restaurant dates. At first, it was okay for me but it got weird when he asked me to pay half the cost

00:36 of tissue paper. We both have stable jobs and he even earns more than me. Is it just me or is this

00:43 really weird? Okay, so there's nothing wrong with thinking that it's weird because it's not typically

00:52 how the setup would be or arrangement would be in relationships. As far as we know,

00:57 it's not typical. Normally, especially if you're old-fashioned or a bit conventional,

01:05 you'd think that it's the guy or the man who pays for your dates and who tries his best to

01:12 not pay for everything but of course, he's the one who has the initiative and he's the one who offers first.

01:19 There's also nothing wrong with paying for everything 50/50. If we can afford it,

01:26 if we can afford it, why not? So because you're thinking that it's weird or you're asking if it's

01:32 weird, that's completely fine. It's a bit weird. I agree with you that even tissue paper or toilet

01:40 paper is 50/50. We can just tear the tissue paper in half and then use it.

01:48 You'll just end up paying for it. So it's okay. It's absolutely fine with you if you're okay and comfortable

01:54 with that setup. If not, then you should communicate that with him. You should ask him

01:59 if it's going to be like that forever. To you, that is not practical or not doable, then

02:07 you should just tell him once the two of you are married if you decide to go down that

02:12 direction. So it's a bit difficult, especially because he's earning more than you are and

02:20 you're just boyfriend and girlfriend. So talk to him, ask him if it's always like that.

02:27 If you're uncomfortable, then let him know that. Just see and observe if there's going to be any change

02:33 to your setup or the dynamics. Question number two. I'm planning to break up with my fiancé

02:41 because I can't take him being a mama's boy anymore. It's hard for me because I really love him

02:47 but I can't bear it anymore. I always come in second in his life. When I say mama's boy, as in all his

02:53 decisions, he listens to his mom more. Even our vacations or trips, sometimes he wants to bring his mom with him.

03:01 I love him so much but how do I move on from my big love? Oh my, that's so hard. It's so hard

03:08 because you say, "That's your big love." It's not a joke because he's already your fiancé.

03:14 I'm assuming you've known each other for a long time, you've been together as a couple for a long time

03:20 and both of you have decided to get married. So that's a different level, a different conversation.

03:28 Although we have a belief, I don't know whether in other cultures but as Filipinos,

03:35 we should observe how well or how the guy treats his mom. People would normally say

03:42 that's how he would treat you. So you can tell a lot from how a man or a guy treats the mom.

03:50 To be honest, it's not necessarily the case. Especially when the relationship is over and above

03:59 his attitude and relationship with the mom. You call him a mama's boy.

04:08 So it's hard, especially because you're going to that next level in your relationship as a married couple.

04:17 I highly doubt that it will go away or that he will lose his mama's boy when you get married.

04:25 I'm sure he's been like that for a long time and even after your wedding, he will still treat her the same way

04:31 and have that same relationship. It won't change. I guess the best advice would be to communicate

04:37 with him, ask him if it's going to be the same because eventually when you get married, you'll be his wife.

04:43 You should have involvement in decision making. It has to take a step back.

04:50 His relationship with the mom has to be a step back because soon to be wife,

04:56 he should be the one to confide in you, to consult or ask for help when it comes to decision making.

05:06 It won't change. It's going to take a while. I'm sure it's going to be very difficult for him.

05:12 Maybe if you sense that after talking to him about it, you'll start to gauge

05:20 and think, "Wait, should I still push through with the wedding or not?" It's really difficult if you're going to get married

05:28 and then there's no change whatsoever. Unfortunately, you're committed to each other.

05:33 There's no way out. If you see that he's more than willing and open to

05:40 put you first, then it's still definitely worth pursuing. Good luck to you

05:46 and to your mama's boy fiancé. We've been living together as a partner for 10 years and we have two kids.

05:54 He told me that when my son turns one year old, we'll be getting married. He's five years old now

06:00 and until now, there's still no sign that he will propose. I love him and I love our family but I will

06:05 feel like he doesn't have a plan for our family. What should I do? 10 years is a long time.

06:12 A decade of living together and you even have two kids. Yes, I understand that

06:20 he expressed his desire to propose to you, to get married to you, especially because you have

06:26 two kids. But it's right to doubt and question because he said that

06:34 when your son turns one year old, you'll be getting married. But now, your son is five years old and

06:39 he still hasn't proposed. Try to get the courage to ask him what his plans are.

06:46 If he still wants to get married or not, don't pressure him. Don't ask him

06:52 if he'll propose. Just ask him what his plans are and if he still wishes to get married.

06:58 Really, if he does, not to burst your bubble or anything,

07:03 but if he really desires to marry you, then he would have done it a long time ago.

07:11 Try to understand that of course, plans change. Our wishes change.

07:18 That's why it's important to ask him, to talk to him about his plans and why it's taking him longer.

07:24 Does he need help when it comes to your small family?

07:30 Does he need help with your kids? Maybe something to stop him or give him a hard time

07:37 from popping the question. But don't worry about it too much.

07:43 As long as he's a very good father and supportive to your two kids,

07:49 that alone is good already. Not that you should settle, but it's important to try to focus

07:55 on him being a father. Question number four. I'm 34 years old and I have been the breadwinner

08:03 ever since my father died. I couldn't work properly because I have younger siblings

08:09 when my father died. So I have no choice but to be a working student.

08:14 Students in the morning, crew in the evening. Whenever I see my peers, I see that they already have

08:20 a family and have bought a house and land. But I'm stuck in helping my family.

08:28 Don't get me wrong, I love them, but what about me? Okay, you should actually be proud of that.

08:34 You shouldn't be sad, pressured, jealous, angry or what. You should really be proud of yourself.

08:41 The fact that at 34, you are the breadwinner of your family. You have younger siblings.

08:46 I'm sorry to hear about your father, but the fact that you are helping your mom,

08:51 your mom, that's a big thing. You should be making your peers proud of that.

08:56 And actually, you don't have to make them proud. Your peers can see that.

09:00 That's actually very admirable already. So I understand that of course, you can't avoid it.

09:06 Being human, you feel bad. There are times when we don't get jealous or we try our best not to

09:14 focus on others too much. That's what we feel, right? Because they already have a family,

09:20 they already have a house and land. But don't think of it as a way to believe that you are behind.

09:26 Don't think that actually you don't compare. Don't even compare yourself to the progress

09:32 or even the lives of others. Their success is different, their lives are different, yours is different.

09:37 And again, be proud of that. I'm sure your time will come that it would also be best if

09:43 perhaps you can talk to your siblings, right? Eventually, they can help out so that you are not the only one contributing.

09:50 Question number five. I am what you call an old maid. I'm already 45 and I'm single.

09:56 I have a boyfriend, they all have a family and partners. I'm the real life, always the bridesmaid

10:03 and never the bride. People find me pitiful because of my status, but I'm content and happy with where

10:10 I am and what I have. How do I respond to their so-called worry about me without rude or being

10:15 arrogant or bitter? Okay, I understand especially because we are Filipinos at that age. I'm sure

10:23 later on, someone will ask, "When will you get married? When will you settle down? When will you have kids?"

10:30 Most especially at 45. In our generation, it's really inevitable. It's okay if you are still single at 45.

10:42 In fact, a lot of people are jealous of you. You may not feel it or see it or hear it, but a lot of people are jealous of you.

10:50 At 45, they would actually wish to still be single or to have the life that you have. Don't compare

10:57 yourself to your peers, to others who are still single at 45. They're married, they have their own

11:03 families with children and all that. Don't do that. Embrace yourself. Embrace where you are now.

11:09 You said it yourself, you are content and happy. No need to be pressured by others and again, no need

11:15 to compare yourself to others. If you have to address them or you have to respond to them

11:23 without being bitter or jealous or rude, you can just say, "I'm happy and content where I am and with

11:30 what I have. So, I'm okay with whatever comes. I will embrace it, but where I am today, I'm okay."

11:39 You said it yourself that you're okay. So, just simply say that. Question number six is our last

11:45 question. People talk about low maintenance friendships a lot. The kind where you don't

11:51 talk for a long time, but it seems like no time has passed when you meet up again. But I feel like

11:56 I'm the one who's always putting in the effort. I want someone to be there for me without having

12:01 to reach out first. Am I too clingy or do I need to find new friends? I don't think you're too clingy.

12:08 I don't agree that you need to find new friends. There are a lot of those now. In fact,

12:13 those kinds of friendships are valuable. You don't see each other often or you don't hang out, but

12:19 every chance you get to hang out, it seems like no time has passed. It's still like that. You're

12:27 still very close to each other. You're still updated on each other's lives. And that's a good thing.

12:32 And you know that those are true friendships because there's no need to see each other or

12:38 spend time together all the time. In fact, I have a lot of best friends like that. Since grade school,

12:44 they're still like that. We don't see each other all the time, but whenever we do,

12:48 it's as if we only met last week. There's no need to catch up too much or what. You're not clingy.

12:57 It's okay if you want to spend more time with them because they're your friends. Just ask them,

13:03 "Is it okay if we see each other more often?" You can also express to them the truth that,

13:11 "Hey, I'm tired. I'm the only one arranging and inviting." "Hey, you guys are next.

13:18 You guys plan. I'm tired. I'll take a step back." As long as you make that clear,

13:25 they won't ask or wonder why you're not involved anymore.

13:32 So that's not a problem. You don't need to find new friends. Cherish your friendship with them

13:37 because that kind of friendship is very valuable. But of course, express to them that you feel like

13:43 you're just putting in too much effort. And that's it for today. Which celebrity should take on the

13:49 Cosmo Challenge next? Let us know in the comments. Don't forget to follow me on my socials and please

13:56 subscribe to Cosmo's YouTube channel as well. Thank you for watching!

Carla Abellana Says A Mama's Boy Is "Worth Pursuing" If He's Willing To Put You First

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