- 2 years ago
“‘Yung feeling na hindi mo alam anong mali sa’yo.”
‘Yan daw ang naramdaman ng film and TV director na si Direk Jason Paul Laxamana sa loob ng mahigit tatlong dekada. Pero nagbago raw ito nang ma-diagnose siya ng Asperger’s Syndrome.
Ano ang disorder na ito? Paano kaya ito nakaapekto sa buhay ng award-winning director? Alamin sa kanyang panayam kay Doc Anna sa episode na ito ng #ShareKoLang!
‘Yan daw ang naramdaman ng film and TV director na si Direk Jason Paul Laxamana sa loob ng mahigit tatlong dekada. Pero nagbago raw ito nang ma-diagnose siya ng Asperger’s Syndrome.
Ano ang disorder na ito? Paano kaya ito nakaapekto sa buhay ng award-winning director? Alamin sa kanyang panayam kay Doc Anna sa episode na ito ng #ShareKoLang!
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00:00 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03 Hello, Kapuso.
00:09 I'm Dr. Anna Tuazon, your storyteller and psychologist
00:12 at Sherco Lang.
00:13 Today, we're joined by film and TV director Jason Paul
00:19 Laksamana, who was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.
00:23 What is this disease and how does it affect him?
00:27 Welcome to Sherco Lang, Director Jason.
00:30 Hi, hello.
00:31 Thank you for having me here, Dr. Anna.
00:33 Director Jason, what is Asperger's syndrome?
00:38 Well, I think Asperger's syndrome, if I'm not mistaken,
00:43 is an obsolete term.
00:45 It's now known as autism spectrum disorder.
00:49 It's a form of what's called neurodivergence.
00:54 So I don't know the exact definition,
00:57 but there's a checklist of possible behavior or symptoms
01:02 that are called.
01:04 And I happened to be on that checklist.
01:10 Yes, so we call it the spectrum in the autism spectrum
01:15 because autism is actually different.
01:18 The former Asperger's syndrome is
01:22 more focused on social communication difficulties.
01:26 Otherwise, it's functioning.
01:29 There's usually no problem with cognitive functioning
01:34 or intelligence, but sometimes it's hard to relate,
01:40 to communicate.
01:42 That's what we called Asperger's syndrome back then.
01:45 So, Director Jason, tell us how you came up with it
01:48 in your 30s.
01:51 In your 30s, hey, there's something that I don't understand
01:56 and deserves to be looked at.
02:00 I just wanted to have a better life, in short.
02:05 Because when I look at my life, I'm okay with work,
02:10 I'm okay with self-actualization,
02:13 I'm okay financially and materially, yet mentally,
02:17 I feel very...
02:20 you know, hopeless.
02:22 And accidentally, I came across the concept of autistic adults.
02:28 And I just read about it.
02:32 I had an idea, "Wait, I'm like that."
02:36 Based on the checklist of behaviors
02:38 or the autistic adults' shared behaviors,
02:42 I got a new doctor
02:45 and I shared with her what I was experiencing.
02:49 And she confirmed it with an official diagnosis
02:52 that I looked like I was on the spectrum.
02:54 And when I heard that,
02:57 it felt like my entire 36 years of life
03:01 made sense.
03:03 Everything made sense.
03:05 And the connection of my autism to depression and anxiety
03:12 is the concept of masking.
03:15 Masking is...
03:19 Because we're autistic, or throughout our life,
03:24 I'm aware that I'm not like the normal
03:31 or neurotypical people.
03:34 But to fit in,
03:36 I'm forced to imitate the behavior of normal people.
03:42 That's what we call masking.
03:44 But when an autistic person wears a mask,
03:47 it's like a double effort on their mind.
03:50 Unlike others who are very natural
03:53 in talking to each other,
03:55 and that's what became a major cause of my depression
03:59 and general anxiety.
04:02 That's the story of my diagnosis.
04:05 I'm curious, Direk.
04:07 You said it all started when you saw a checklist.
04:11 You were curious.
04:13 What did you see on the checklist?
04:15 What were the symptoms?
04:18 First of all,
04:21 the most minor symptoms.
04:23 For some reason,
04:25 whenever I hear sounds,
04:27 my brain goes "what's that?"
04:30 or it goes "times two"
04:31 and it gets amplified.
04:33 My friends confirmed it.
04:35 I asked my friends, "Is that how I sound?"
04:37 And they confirmed it.
04:38 And then, number two,
04:40 I have a hyper fixation to certain things.
04:47 For example,
04:50 when I read a dictionary,
04:52 I'm fixated on words
04:55 that I'm almost obsessed with.
04:58 The words around me
05:02 seem to get darker,
05:04 and I'm just focused on them.
05:05 And then I become obsessed about it.
05:08 I talk about it with my friends.
05:09 I'm obsessed with languages for some reason.
05:12 And then,
05:13 this is another symptom,
05:17 rigidity.
05:19 I used to think I was very rigid
05:22 because I'm just disciplined.
05:23 But I have a bit of an OA.
05:26 For example,
05:27 punctuality.
05:30 For example,
05:31 if the time we're talking about is 12 noon,
05:35 I make a big deal out of my meetings
05:39 when it's 12.05 or 12.03.
05:42 I'm very rigid.
05:46 Well, I'm also very fickle with people.
05:50 I don't know.
05:50 For some people, it's very natural
05:52 to talk to people.
05:54 For me,
05:57 I feel the need to prepare for it.
05:59 And then,
06:01 there's masking.
06:03 I feel the need to pretend
06:05 so that I don't look awkward.
06:09 And then,
06:11 if I'm doing something
06:13 and I'm distracted,
06:14 I really get hot-headed.
06:16 I mean, of course,
06:17 I assume everyone is like that.
06:20 But for me,
06:21 I have an extra OA
06:22 to the point that
06:25 my temper suddenly rises.
06:27 And then,
06:28 you know,
06:29 I get confused.
06:32 Those are some of the behaviors
06:36 that I shared with my psychiatrist.
06:39 That's why she said,
06:41 "Maybe you have it."
06:43 And the ones you listed,
06:45 Direk,
06:46 it's very different from depression.
06:48 We call it primary depression.
06:51 Meaning, it really is depression
06:53 that started.
06:54 You said,
06:55 "That's why you got depressed
06:56 because you didn't have a crush on someone."
06:58 And when you figured that out,
06:59 you swapped,
07:01 you in-sync,
07:02 when things click in place.
07:05 And then,
07:05 when you find relief,
07:07 then you realize,
07:07 "Ah, it wasn't really depression.
07:09 There was something else."
07:11 Direk, I'm curious about what you said earlier
07:13 about masking.
07:16 And that's something I think
07:17 some people know,
07:18 but some people don't.
07:19 What was your experience with masking?
07:21 What was it like?
07:22 Maybe,
07:23 I feel like it was rooted
07:26 in high school.
07:28 Because in high school,
07:29 there was an exercise in the classroom
07:32 where each student would pass--
07:35 you would write your name on a piece of paper,
07:37 and then,
07:38 you would pass it to the whole class.
07:40 And then, anonymously,
07:41 they would write
07:44 "Word to describe you."
07:46 Maybe,
07:46 90% of what they wrote on my paper
07:49 was "weird."
07:52 So,
07:53 I feel like that was
07:55 a turning point in my life
07:58 when I realized that I was weird
07:59 in the eyes of people.
08:01 I feel like,
08:02 from that moment on,
08:04 my effort to mask
08:06 became more intense.
08:08 Because I didn't want to be called weird.
08:10 Were you surprised
08:13 when you saw that?
08:14 And, of course,
08:14 it must hurt to see that.
08:17 I feel like, yes,
08:18 there was hurt.
08:19 But I immediately
08:22 covered it up.
08:23 I rationalized that,
08:25 "Okay, maybe I'm just weird
08:26 because I'm an artist."
08:29 But I feel like it hit my heart.
08:32 And I became conscious,
08:34 I became self-conscious
08:36 about what I was doing to the public.
08:38 Now,
08:39 you said earlier,
08:40 "Maybe I'm an artist."
08:42 So, this is also very important.
08:43 Because just because we're looking for a condition,
08:45 it doesn't mean that's all who we are.
08:47 Right?
08:48 You have a lot of hats,
08:49 you have a lot of labels that you choose.
08:52 We can choose to put on ourselves.
08:54 An artist is definitely a big one for you.
08:57 You're a director,
08:58 you're a writer.
09:00 In a way,
09:01 what you're describing
09:03 is actually appropriate for an artist.
09:05 It's like,
09:07 you know,
09:08 out-of-the-box thinking,
09:10 trying to put things together.
09:12 How did you relate
09:15 and realize about yourself
09:19 as having autism
09:20 with you as being an artist?
09:23 When I was diagnosed with autism,
09:27 it wasn't entirely negative for me.
09:31 Um...
09:33 Because, for example,
09:36 in making a film,
09:37 pre-pandemic,
09:38 I was able to make
09:41 four films per year.
09:44 I was also the scriptwriter.
09:48 So,
09:49 I thought,
09:51 maybe...
09:52 I used to think,
09:53 "Am I a workaholic?"
09:54 But when I was diagnosed with autism,
09:58 my perspective changed.
10:01 Wait,
10:01 I'm not a workaholic.
10:03 Maybe I'm just fixated on my craft.
10:06 I don't do that.
10:08 Not because I need money,
10:10 not because I want more money,
10:12 but because I'm fixated on my craft.
10:16 I enjoy writing,
10:17 I enjoy storytelling,
10:19 I enjoy making films.
10:21 And that's what keeps me,
10:23 you know,
10:23 making at least four films a year.
10:26 So, that's how I realized.
10:27 I had an epiphany that
10:30 I'm not a workaholic.
10:31 I just really love,
10:33 I'm just obsessed
10:35 with what I'm doing.
10:36 And hopefully, Direk,
10:38 in other words,
10:38 you have kindness towards your process.
10:41 You don't judge,
10:43 "Why do I work the way I work?"
10:46 Yes.
10:46 And since I was diagnosed,
10:50 I cried, actually,
10:53 after my session with my doctor.
10:55 I cried because all these,
10:58 all those two, three decades,
11:02 I didn't prioritize my special needs
11:07 and I chose to wear a mask
11:10 to fit in with society.
11:13 So, in a way, I feel like
11:17 I didn't treat myself better.
11:22 I felt guilty, that's why I cried.
11:25 So, ever since I was diagnosed,
11:28 I said,
11:29 "My number one priority is
11:30 I will no longer mask."
11:33 Hence, I announced it to the public.
11:36 Not to look for sympathy,
11:39 not to feel sorry for others,
11:41 not to be noticed.
11:42 Because for me,
11:44 that's the first step of wearing a mask.
11:48 To be able to publicly admit it,
11:53 that I'm not afraid of possible judgment,
11:55 not afraid of possible stigma.
11:59 I'm sure some of you will say,
12:00 "Oh, this person is autistic,
12:01 that's why he's like that."
12:02 I don't care.
12:03 I just feel like I became more self-assured
12:06 in my value as a person,
12:08 as an artist,
12:09 as a child,
12:11 as a friend.
12:13 And, I promise to no longer mask.
12:16 Now, I know that you received a lot of support
12:20 when you came out,
12:21 that you have this condition.
12:23 How was it?
12:24 The support, well,
12:25 based on what I posted on Facebook,
12:28 a lot of my friends,
12:31 my colleagues,
12:33 a lot of them said that
12:36 they've been noticing for a long time
12:39 that there's something different about me.
12:41 But, it wasn't an issue for them to like me
12:47 or to be friends with me.
12:49 And now that I've declared that I'm on the spectrum,
12:52 there's nothing that should change
12:58 in how they see me.
13:00 So, I'm happy with that aspect.
13:02 But there are also older people
13:07 who aren't familiar with the concept of autistic adult.
13:12 They say, "Are you sure?
13:15 You look normal."
13:19 Or, I have a relative who said,
13:23 "Why did you declare that to the public?
13:25 It might affect your job.
13:26 Or they might think you're crazy."
13:30 But, for me,
13:33 the old me,
13:35 I'm sure I'll listen to them.
13:36 I won't say anything
13:38 because I'm shy or they might think something.
13:41 But, that's part of masking.
13:45 Because if I listen to them,
13:47 if I suppress my true self,
13:50 we'll go back to masking.
13:53 So, now,
13:55 I'll be my own companion.
14:00 It's okay if you think I'm abnormal,
14:03 if you think I shouldn't say anything,
14:07 but that's my need.
14:09 And it's time for me to start listening to my own needs.
14:13 Is there anything that has changed or improved, maybe,
14:17 in the way you relate or communicate
14:20 or even just expressing yourself to others?
14:23 First of all, I'm not really fond of talking to people.
14:27 I don't know if it's because of autism or being an introvert.
14:31 But, before, when I actively wore a mask,
14:35 for example, when I'm with my friends,
14:38 I feel the need to talk.
14:43 Because if you're just in the corner, not talking,
14:47 you look weird or like you have your own world.
14:52 Now, I'm not conscious of that anymore.
14:55 If I don't feel like talking,
14:57 I really won't talk.
15:00 Because I'm more comfortable with it.
15:03 I'm more comfortable with it as long as I'm quiet.
15:06 Before, I would be ashamed about it
15:09 because people would often ask me,
15:10 "Are you okay? You have your own world again."
15:14 To hell with those.
15:16 If I don't feel like talking, I will not talk.
15:19 That's what I'm doing now.
15:20 But, of course, when I'm talking to people,
15:24 you know,
15:25 it's not because I'm afraid to look weird or have my own world.
15:35 I will speak because I should be comfortable.
15:39 That's how I am now in communication.
15:42 I don't bother anymore.
15:44 I listen to my needs more,
15:47 where I'm comfortable.
15:49 I'm so curious because you're a storyteller.
15:51 I think, for me,
15:53 seeing your body of work,
15:56 I think that's what you're looking for.
15:57 Whatever medium you tell stories,
16:01 has it changed or has it added flavor?
16:05 Has it added layer now?
16:07 That you have all this reflection and awareness of yourself
16:11 as someone in the spectrum?
16:13 When I direct,
16:14 most of my staff in the film
16:18 are my friends.
16:20 So I actually inform them beforehand.
16:24 I tell them that I have ASD
16:28 and from now on, this is what I want to happen in the set.
16:32 I really declare my needs.
16:34 Because before,
16:35 maybe because we're close,
16:39 while I'm directing, they're around,
16:41 chatting,
16:43 that's like 2x my brain,
16:46 and I'm distracted.
16:48 So now, I'm just being honest with my needs.
16:52 I tell them, "Hey, when I'm working in my position,
16:56 and you want to chat,
16:58 you're far away."
17:01 For me, it's just
17:04 the concept of being a companion to myself
17:07 is to be clear with my own needs
17:09 and asserting my needs.
17:11 So that's what I do.
17:14 In terms of directing,
17:18 I'm more focused on my needs.
17:21 Because other directors,
17:23 they're just chatting with the artist.
17:26 I'm not like that.
17:27 I'm just working.
17:29 You're an introvert director.
17:31 I'm just working.
17:33 So if I'm talking to a person,
17:35 I'm just talking about my needs for the film.
17:39 But besides that,
17:41 if I'm not comfortable with the work,
17:46 I will really keep quiet.
17:48 I'm always interested in that
17:50 because there are patients who come
17:52 and they're afraid of the diagnosis.
17:54 It's like, "Okay, let's work,
17:55 but don't tell me what I have."
17:58 But it's okay.
17:59 But sometimes,
18:01 you experienced relief
18:04 having this diagnosis.
18:06 In a way, a diagnosis is simply a way to explain
18:09 sometimes to ourselves and sometimes to other people
18:13 what our experience is.
18:14 When I got my official diagnosis,
18:18 one of the things that came to my mind
18:22 was that I used to feel like
18:25 there's something wrong with me.
18:28 So when I got my diagnosis,
18:31 I had this thought that
18:33 "Ah, okay.
18:35 There's nothing wrong with me.
18:36 I'm just wired differently."
18:39 So that was the first step towards loving myself more,
18:44 accepting myself more.
18:45 So the diagnosis gave me the thought that
18:50 "There's nothing wrong with you.
18:52 You're just running your mind differently."
18:56 So I started loving myself more.
18:59 I started being kind to myself more.
19:03 That's the good effect of
19:05 having a label or understanding what you have.
19:08 So yeah, especially in the spectrum,
19:12 it's not necessarily what's wrong,
19:14 what you cannot do.
19:16 It's more of how do you best work in such a situation.
19:19 How can you be a good director or writer?
19:24 A good friend, right?
19:28 Given how you're wired, so to speak.
19:33 Now, for maybe a final message perhaps,
19:37 because I'm sure, Direk,
19:39 maybe for some of our Kapuso now,
19:41 hearing your story and your experience,
19:44 maybe some of them resonate with you.
19:47 Maybe they relate.
19:48 Maybe my message to possibly autistic adults is
19:54 number one, don't be afraid to get that diagnosis
20:00 because you're not alone.
20:02 We're a lot.
20:04 And our perceived disability won't define us.
20:13 In the end, I hope that
20:18 when you get that diagnosis, embrace it.
20:22 Be aware, be mindful of your own needs
20:25 so that we can function better in society.
20:30 But it will all root in not being afraid of that.
20:36 And once you overcome your fear,
20:38 love yourself more.
20:42 Love yourself first and foremost
20:43 so that you won't have depression or anxiety.
20:51 It will all start from loving yourself,
20:54 overcoming the fear, and then loving yourself.
20:57 And for our Kapuso,
20:59 when we hear stories and we resonate,
21:01 it's like, wow, I also experienced it.
21:06 One, just like with Direk,
21:08 please go to a professional.
21:09 Let's not get diagnosed solely on quizzes online, etc.
21:15 Just do what Direk did.
21:18 And as Direk said,
21:20 having a diagnosis doesn't actually close doors.
21:25 It opens them.
21:26 It allows you to realize,
21:28 "Okay, I've been wearing the wrong size shirt this whole time."
21:32 It's like that.
21:33 "There's nothing wrong with me.
21:35 I've just been forcing myself to fit in the wrong shape."
21:41 And so it can actually open doors.
21:44 Even with autism,
21:45 I know many of us are afraid of that word,
21:50 that diagnosis.
21:51 But look at Direk.
21:53 You can be very productive.
21:54 You can be successful.
21:55 You can have friends.
21:56 He said, "Even if I'm the one who's suffering,
21:59 my friends have stayed."
22:01 Friendship will not be lost, etc.
22:04 So if this is something that you are wanting
22:09 to really explore for yourself,
22:11 seek professional support.
22:13 Direk said, "Love yourself first."
22:15 Because that's where it all starts.
22:17 So that other problems don't come up,
22:20 such as frustration, sadness,
22:23 temper tantrums,
22:26 anxiety.
22:27 Direk, again, thank you so much
22:30 for sharing your personal story.
22:32 I'll just share it here.
22:35 I know it's not always easy.
22:39 And you said that you can't listen to people who say,
22:43 "You're going to go back?
22:44 Do you want to go back to wearing the mask?"
22:48 Thank you for having me.
22:49 And I hope those who are watching this
22:51 and are going through the same thing,
22:53 they will learn a lot.
22:56 If you have something to talk about,
22:59 just leave a comment below.
23:01 Or email us at shaircolang@gmainews.tv
23:05 We're also streaming on Spotify,
23:08 Apple Podcasts, and Google Podcasts.
23:12 Thanks for tuning in!
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