00:00 (Music)
00:03 (Applause)
00:09 Intimacy, security, respect, good communication,
00:15 a sense of being valued.
00:17 These are some of the things that most people would agree
00:20 make for healthy relationships.
00:22 And researchers would agree too.
00:24 There's a large body of literature on romantic relationships
00:28 that has identified the features of healthy relationships.
00:31 And the list I just provided contains many of them.
00:34 Researchers also agree on what makes for unhealthy relationships.
00:38 Things like fighting so much that you just can't work things out,
00:42 not being able to go to your partner for support when you need it,
00:46 contempt, criticism, hostility, violence.
00:50 When these problems happen in relationships,
00:53 they can cause significant unhappiness.
00:55 They can lead to the end of relationships and divorce.
00:58 And they can literally make people physically and emotionally sick.
01:03 This is why it's so critical that people have healthy relationships.
01:08 But there's a problem.
01:10 How many people know, I mean really know what to do
01:14 on a day-to-day basis to create healthy relationships?
01:20 My point is this.
01:21 We may know what a healthy relationship looks like.
01:24 But most people have no idea how to get one,
01:27 and no one teaches us how to do so.
01:30 We need to teach people how to have healthy relationships.
01:35 Now, you know when we typically do so?
01:37 After it's too late.
01:38 It's called couples therapy.
01:41 I do couples therapy, and it can be a wonderful thing.
01:44 But many people come to couples therapy
01:46 with so many ingrained problems and patterns
01:49 that they just can't change.
01:52 It's too late.
01:54 You know when else we try to teach people
01:56 how to have healthy relationships?
01:58 Right before they get married.
02:00 It's called premarital education.
02:03 And this is a good idea.
02:04 Teach people how to have a good relationship
02:07 while they're still happy, presumably.
02:10 And it can work.
02:11 But in my opinion, it's still too late.
02:14 Why?
02:16 Because people have already selected the person
02:18 they want to commit their life to.
02:21 Even if they've selected poorly,
02:23 no amount of premarital education
02:26 can make up for a bad partner choice.
02:31 So the ways that we've tried to teach people
02:34 how to have healthy relationships
02:36 have been limited because they fail to address
02:39 three important things.
02:41 Genuinely knowing what you want and need
02:43 in a partner and a relationship,
02:46 selecting the right person,
02:48 and developing and using skills right from the beginning.
02:52 And I don't mean the beginning of any particular relationship.
02:55 I mean the beginning beginning, like as soon as possible.
02:59 We need to teach people, especially young people,
03:02 how to have healthy relationships.
03:05 Now, towards this end,
03:07 my colleagues and I have developed
03:09 a skills-based model of relationship functioning
03:12 that we believe can help people
03:14 create the things that lead to healthy relationships
03:17 and reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy ones.
03:21 We've identified three skills,
03:23 insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation,
03:27 that form the basis for what we call romantic competence.
03:31 Romantic competence is the ability
03:34 to function adaptively across all areas
03:37 or all aspects of the relationship process,
03:40 from figuring out what you need
03:42 to finding the right person
03:45 to building a healthy relationship
03:47 and to getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.
03:51 I'll tell you more about the skills in a minute,
03:53 but first let me say we didn't just make this up out of the blue.
03:57 We identified the skills based on a thorough review
04:00 of theory and research.
04:02 And the skills really represent the commonalities
04:05 across the major theories and research findings
04:08 on healthy relationships.
04:11 And because they represent the commonalities,
04:13 we think they really can help people
04:16 with all the different parts of the relationship process
04:19 and with all different people,
04:22 whether people are in a relationship or not.
04:25 So let me tell you about the skills.
04:27 The first one is insight.
04:29 Insight is about awareness and understanding and learning.
04:34 So with insight, you'll have a better idea of who you are,
04:40 what you need, what you want, why you do the things you do.
04:43 So let's say you're being really snappy to your partner.
04:47 With insight, you might notice or realize
04:50 that it's not that your partner is doing anything.
04:52 It's actually that you're really stressed out at work,
04:54 and what you really need is to relax a little bit
04:57 so it doesn't bleed out over into your relationship.
05:00 Insight will also let you know your partner better.
05:03 Let's say your partner shows up late for a date.
05:06 With insight, you'll know why.
05:08 For example, maybe your partner is late for everything.
05:11 It's nothing about you. It's nothing about the relationship.
05:14 That's just who your partner is.
05:16 With insight, you'll be able to anticipate
05:18 the positive and negative consequences of your behavior.
05:23 For example, you'll know that if you send that nasty text,
05:26 it's not going to go well.
05:28 Maybe you better make a phone call instead.
05:32 With insight, you'll be able to learn from your mistakes
05:35 in ways that allow you to behave differently in the future.
05:38 So maybe you'll recognize that you're the kind of person
05:41 who tends to jump in really quickly.
05:43 You get wrapped up in the romance of things,
05:46 and then things don't go well.
05:48 So you might be able to say, "Well, you know what?
05:50 "The next time, I'm just going to take things a little more slowly
05:54 "and not repeat the same mistake."
05:57 And with insight, you'll have a better understanding
06:00 about what's really right for you in a relationship.
06:03 Maybe you're the kind of person who really needs a monogamous relationship.
06:07 You're not okay with your partner seeing other people.
06:10 Or maybe you'll realize it's just the opposite,
06:13 that you're not ready to settle down,
06:15 and you need a partner who's okay with that.
06:18 So that's insight.
06:20 The second skill is mutuality.
06:22 Mutuality is about knowing that both people have needs
06:26 and that both sets of needs matter.
06:29 With mutuality, you'll be able to convey your own needs
06:32 in a clear, direct fashion
06:35 that increases the likelihood that you'll get them met.
06:38 So let's say you have to go to a really stressful family event
06:41 and you'd like your partner to be there with you.
06:43 You might say directly, "This is going to be stressful for me.
06:47 "I'd really love for you to be there. You'll be a good buffer for me.
06:50 "Is there any way you can clear your schedule to come with me?"
06:55 With mutuality, you'll be willing to meet your partner's needs as well.
07:01 Let's say you know that your partner really likes to go to the gym
07:04 first thing in the morning.
07:05 It makes your partner feel better the rest of the day.
07:08 Mutuality will let you be willing to support your partner in this,
07:12 even though you'd really rather have your partner stay home and in bed with you.
07:17 And mutuality also lets you factor both people's needs
07:22 into decisions that you make about your relationship.
07:25 So let's say you get a great job offer that you'd like to take,
07:28 but you know it means you're going to have to work more,
07:31 and you know how important it is for both you and your partner to spend time together.
07:35 With a mutual approach, you might say, "You know, I'd really like to take this job.
07:40 "It's really important to me, but I also am concerned about us spending time together.
07:45 "If I promise to protect some time for us, will you be okay with me taking this job?"
07:51 That's a mutual approach to relationships.
07:55 The third skill is emotion regulation.
07:58 And emotion regulation is about regulating your feelings
08:01 in response to things that happen in your relationship.
08:05 With emotion regulation, you'll be able to keep your emotions calm
08:12 and keep things that happen in your relationship in perspective.
08:16 So you might think, "Oh my goodness, this is a disaster.
08:21 "This is the worst thing ever. How am I going to handle this?"
08:24 With emotion regulation, you'll think, "You know what? I can handle this.
08:28 "This is going to be all right. There's a way to deal with this.
08:31 "I'm going to figure this out. Everything's going to be okay."
08:35 With emotion regulation, you'll be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings
08:40 and not act out on them impulsively,
08:42 so you'll be able to think through your decisions more clearly.
08:46 So let's say you're waiting for your partner to text you back.
08:49 That text isn't coming. You're getting really anxious.
08:51 You're checking your phone every two seconds.
08:53 With emotion regulation, you'll be able to tell yourself,
08:56 "You know what? Calm down. The text is going to come.
08:59 "I don't need to check my phone every second.
09:02 "I'm just going to put it away and focus on the task at hand."
09:07 And with emotion regulation, you'll be able to maintain a sense of self-respect
09:11 and commitment to your needs,
09:13 even when bad things happen in your relationship.
09:16 So let's say you have a breakup. You're feeling really depressed.
09:20 You're really missing your partner.
09:22 With emotion regulation, you'll be able to let yourself know that it's okay,
09:26 that, yeah, you're going to feel depressed, but you're going to get over it.
09:29 You're going to get through this.
09:31 If you beg and plead to get back together,
09:33 you're not going to feel good about yourself,
09:35 and you don't even want to be in a relationship that wasn't good for you.
09:40 So insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation,
09:44 I believe it's people's ability to use the skills on a day-to-day basis
09:49 that lets them have healthy relationships.
09:52 So let me give you an example of how this works.
09:55 The other day I was talking to someone,
09:57 and she said that when her partner asked her what she wanted for her birthday,
10:01 she told him she didn't want anything.
10:03 So guess what? She didn't get anything, and she got really angry,
10:07 and they had a big fight.
10:09 Why? Because she really did want a present.
10:12 She just didn't want to tell him she wanted him to somehow know.
10:15 It's called mind reading. It's a terrible idea. It never works.
10:20 Had she been using the skills,
10:22 insight would have let her know herself well enough
10:25 to realize that she really did want something,
10:28 and if she didn't get it, she was going to be mad.
10:31 Insight also would have let her know that her partner was the kind of guy
10:35 who was just going to take what she said literally.
10:38 Mutuality would have let her really ask for what she wanted
10:43 directly and clearly.
10:46 And emotion regulation would have let her deal with any feelings she was having
10:50 that were getting in her way of doing that.
10:53 So maybe she was feeling kind of anxious.
10:55 "What would he think if I asked for what I needed?"
10:58 Or maybe she was feeling guilty.
11:00 She knows they're saving for a big trip,
11:02 and she maybe thought that he would think that she was kind of greedy or something.
11:07 So if she had used the skills, she would have been able to say,
11:11 "You know what? I know we're saving for that trip,
11:14 but I really like that necklace that we saw the other day,
11:17 and it wasn't that expensive."
11:19 He would have gotten it for her.
11:21 She would have felt respected and valued.
11:23 He would have been happy.
11:25 They would have felt more intimate.
11:27 This whole birthday gift thing would have gone well
11:30 instead of ending in a fight that could really damage their relationship.
11:35 Now this was just an anecdote.
11:37 We have data to support this as well.
11:40 I've been studying romantic competence,
11:43 the ability for people to use insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation
11:47 among young people.
11:49 In one of our studies, we looked at 13- and 14-year-old girls,
11:53 early adolescent girls,
11:55 and we found that girls who were more romantically competent
11:59 felt more secure in their relationships.
12:02 They felt comfortable being close to people.
12:04 They could trust people.
12:05 They weren't worried about being rejected.
12:08 Girls who were more romantically competent
12:10 reported fewer depressive symptoms.
12:12 They had better mental health.
12:15 They also were more positive about their expectations
12:18 about marriage in the future.
12:20 They were more optimistic that it could go well.
12:23 Girls with greater romantic competence
12:25 were engaging in more typical romantic activities for their age,
12:30 things that were normative,
12:32 like dating and flirting and affectionate behaviors
12:37 like hugging and kissing.
12:39 And girls who were more romantically competent
12:42 were engaging in fewer atypical sexual activities,
12:47 like sexual intercourse,
12:49 which can be considered pretty risky for a 13- and 14-year-old girl.
12:53 So even at an early age, 13 and 14 years old,
12:57 when these girls mostly were not even in relationships,
13:00 the more romantically competent they were,
13:03 the more adaptive relational functioning they were showing
13:07 and the better mental health they were showing.
13:10 We see the same things among young adults 18 to 25 years old.
13:15 More romantically competent men and women
13:18 feel more secure in relationships.
13:21 They also report making better decisions.
13:24 They can see the warning signs when things aren't going well
13:27 and make conscious decisions with confidence.
13:30 They're also better at seeking and providing support to their partners,
13:35 so they're more willing to ask for what they need
13:38 and use what their partners give them.
13:40 And they're better at providing helpful support when needed.
13:44 And this isn't just what they told us.
13:46 We actually observed them doing this in our laboratory
13:49 when we asked them to talk with one another about a personal problem.
13:55 Young people who were more romantically competent
13:58 also were more satisfied in their relationships.
14:01 They were happier.
14:03 And again, they reported fewer depressive symptoms
14:06 and also fewer anxiety symptoms.
14:08 So overall, being romantically competent at a young age
14:14 is associated with greater, more adaptive relationship functioning
14:18 and greater individual well-being.
14:21 And this brings me back to my point
14:23 that we need to be teaching people how to have healthy relationships.
14:28 So, like I said earlier on,
14:31 we may know what a healthy relationship looks like,
14:34 but most people have no idea how to get one,
14:36 and no one teaches us how to do so.
14:39 And this is a problem.
14:41 We need to help people genuinely know
14:44 what they want and need in a relationship.
14:47 We need to help them select the right partner.
14:50 We need to help them make good decisions
14:53 and deal with the challenges that relationships bring.
14:56 And we need to help them build and use skills right from the beginning.
15:02 This is what the notion of romantic competence is all about.
15:06 It's all about using insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation
15:11 to reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy relationships,
15:15 like fighting and poor support,
15:18 and hostility and criticism and contempt and violence,
15:22 and create the things that lead to healthy relationships,
15:25 like intimacy, security, respect, good communication,
15:30 and a sense of being valued.
15:33 And wouldn't all of our relationships benefit from this?
15:36 I think they would.
15:38 Thank you.
15:40 (Applause)
15:43 (Music)
15:47 (Music)
15:50 (whooshing)
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