00:00Hi everybody. Hey, thanks so much for having me here tonight. Before I get started, I want
00:11to tell you the funniest thing happened to me today. You know when you have one of those
00:14days where not one but two things that never ever happens, happens to you. I'm walking
00:19down the street, I look up and I see Haley's comment. I get back to the office and I'm
00:24accurately quoted in a Ralph Hale article. It was one of those days. But you know, everybody's
00:32wondering about my leg is the first thing they ask. Haley, what happened to your leg?
00:36I'm like, well everybody heard I was going to be in this comedy show and they're like,
00:38break a leg. So I did. You think blondes are dumb. But I thought about using the leg as
00:53an excuse. And I said, now you know what, I'll just be honest with people. They say
00:56what happened to your leg? And I said, I got surgery. And that's the truth. They assume
01:00it's wrong. Especially here in D.C. At home, in New Jersey, where I got the surgery, people
01:03ask you and they listen and they intently hear it. It's like, no, what really happened?
01:07Did you kick Susan Estridge? What really happened? And they're like, no, I have a congenital
01:12deformity. My bones were growing out. Tell me what really happened. So I came up tonight
01:17with the five reasons why Kellyanne's foot is really in a cast. Number five, Jennifer
01:23Laszlo tripped me on the set of Hannity and Combs. Number four, having just two of his
01:29own, Chris Matthews needed someone else's foot to stick in his mouth. Number three,
01:35I went salsa dancing with Jerry Nadler. Number two, I was caught between Jonathan Trilley
01:45and a camera. And the number one reason why Kellyanne's foot is really in a cast, that
01:52Fred Thompson's bizarre and kinky foot fetish. I was thinking of using it as an excuse that
02:00I'm like, well, I could just, you know, plead my foot. I don't have to go do this thing.
02:03I'll just give the money to charity. Why, you know, I'm not going to go. And then I
02:06looked at who the other contestants were. And I'm like, I've never thought I was funny
02:11until this very moment. And I saw some of the other contestants. I said, Bill Ginsburg,
02:18one God, one country, one client. Bill Thomas, the capital style, one God, one country, three
02:33readers. And I was on the cover. My mom, my grandma, my aunt. Norm Ornstein. I look at
02:44that name. I'm like, well, how could someone named Norm Ornstein be funny? Norm Ornstein
02:50when he's a baby. Coochie coo, Norm Ornstein. I said, Norm Ornstein, who is that? I've never
02:55heard that name. But it doesn't sound like someone who's funny. It sounds like someone
02:58who would be like, I don't know, like a policy wonk, like a resident scholar at AEI or something.
03:03Oh, sorry, Norm. I'm what they call a pundit. And a pundit is this new term this past year.
03:10And a pundit, what's the definition of a pundit? A lightweight, lightweight. But the real definition
03:16of a pundit is someone who goes on TV constantly and just says the same thing over and over
03:23and over again, but never wears the same outfit twice. Okay, some pundit trivia, some pundit
03:32jokes for you. How many pundits can you fit in a shower? I don't know either. They keep
03:38slipping down the drain. What do you call six pundits in a row? A wind tunnel. What's
03:45this? A pundit with rice in her throat. What's the one difference between a pundit and Ally
03:54McBeal? Ally McBeal's on a major network. I'm not just a pundit, though, and I'm hardly
04:02a pundit, but I am a pollster. I run this place called The Polling Company right down
04:05the street a block away. And the people whose salaries I pay volunteered to come tonight,
04:13so I have all of them. A new survey's out. It's not ours, but I wish it were, because
04:20a new survey says that 70% of men think about sex all of the time. The other 30% are lying.
04:29But I'm always attacking these media polls. I think there are way too many media polls
04:33now. You can't pick up a paper, turn on a show without seeing a media poll. So I'm always
04:37saying, you know, media poll, okay. They'll say, okay, Kelly, I'm going to attack it.
04:39Go ahead. Why? I'm like, well, look at the sample size. 400. Is this a national survey
04:44or a small Jewish wedding on Long Island? But you know, MSNBC did a good poll recently.
04:52MSNBC actually did what no other media outlet had ever done. They polled every single viewer,
04:58every one. And here's what the 264 of them said. I know it sounds low, but eight were
05:06out at a gun show, and seven were at a Bill Buckley book signing, five at a Bill Bennett
05:16book signing, three at a cross burning, and two had switched a channel to go to Fox News
05:24Channel. So now Fox News Channel and MSNBC have the same number of viewers. I'm also
05:31a lawyer. Oh, by the way, you know, I think that nobody's watching these cable shows.
05:35I know I'm on them all the time. Not even all the people who stop me at airports and
05:38say, please tell Chris Matthews this. But I don't think anybody's really watching them.
05:42I actually think that the ratings are much lower than we all believe, and we're probably
05:46all watching. They're probably all taping them tonight. But I think if Larry King would
05:50just have all his ex-wives watch his show, his ratings would triple. That's how few people
05:54are watching this. I'm also a lawyer. Very few people know that. I don't like to admit
05:57it. I don't like to slam it on myself. I'm a lawyer. I went to GW Law School right down
06:00tall there for four years as an adjunct after I graduated. And I liked being a lawyer. I
06:07loved sitting for the bar. I haven't had that much fun since I went on a date in Washington.
06:11And sad story. But I never want to tell lawyer jokes. By the way, this is the first time
06:23I've ever done this. But had I done it ever before, I wouldn't have wanted to tell lawyer
06:27jokes because they never go over well. Any lawyers here? I can tell all the people aren't
06:33laughing, making lists in their head, looking miserable. But the lawyer jokes never go over
06:37well because the lawyers never think they're funny, and the people never think they're
06:41jokes. So I try not to tell them. But it's a true story. Very few people know that I
06:47still practice law. I still do a little bit of pro bono work right here in D.C. You've
06:51got to give back a little bit. So I do a little bit of pro bono work. I had a case
06:55recently. It would have broken your hearts. It certainly broke mine. It was a custody
07:00battle. Vicious divorce. Horrible custody battle. Parents arguing. Little Becky and
07:05little Tommy. They were up for custody. And Becky's crying in front of the judge. And
07:11the judge says, okay, you're old enough, kids. Becky, who do you want to live with? And she
07:16says, please don't make us live with Mommy because she beats us. And the judge says,
07:24okay, Tommy, who do you want to live with? He says, we can't live with Daddy because
07:32Daddy beats us. The judge says, done. Go and live with the Redskins because they don't
07:37beat anybody. Okay, you can say anything about the Eagles, my team, but we're in Washington.
07:47Of course, I do politics. I'm tired of hearing time and time again, Republicans are anti-environment,
07:56you're anti-environment. Jack Kemp has been recycling the same ideas for 20 years. That's
08:02very consistent. Year 2000, I've come up with a couple of slogans for some of the candidates
08:07in 2000. Gore, 2000, action figures sold separately. Lamar, dead men do wear plaid. George W.
08:25Bush, because. And I love this new ticket, brand new this weekend. Ross Perot and Jesse
08:34Ventura, they're going to run as a ticket because a mind and a half is a terrible thing
08:39to waste. I'm going to end with a song tonight, which should really make you laugh because
08:48I can't sing. And much has been made of this whole pundit thing and what's going to happen
08:56to us after Bill and Monica go away. So I just brought a song for you. I hope the star
09:13investigation goes on forever, but just in case it doesn't, I'm looking for a little
09:18bit of work. Now that everybody gets lawyers, pollsters, pundits, I don't know what the
09:22hell to do. I've got the pundit blues. I've got the pundit blues. All year I've kept the
09:40pace. On TV took my place. Lots of makeup on my face and sexy dress of lace. Said the
09:49president's a big disgrace. Insist Paula had a case. Chatted about the disaffected base.
09:57But now I've got the pundit blues. Kosovo now tops the news. Only guy in my life is
10:09Chris Matthews. I've got the pundit blues. Newt left for Georgia on the midnight train.
10:22House Republicans made no gains. Lead story now is Saddam Hussein. And I don't know
10:32nothing about that. But they'll still invite me to chat. As long as I'm blonde and not
10:39too fat. I've got the pundit blues. I've got the pundit blues. Read the star report and
10:51all I could find is that Clinton's sex life is better than mine. With impeachment now
11:01dead and Rivera still alive. How's a lowly pundit gonna survive? On rice cakes and quotes
11:15in the Washington Times, I've got the pundit blues. Now wait just a minute. No reason to
11:24sob. I'm different from the other pundits. I have a day job. Thank you very much.
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