- 11 years ago
Comedy (2006) 75 minutes ~ Color
Long time Vegas Comedy act "Hank & Chet" enjoyed a successful career until Vegas outgrow them causing Chet to self-destruct in an alcoholic haze. Now in his fifties, Hank leads a lonely and solitary existence in a small New York City apartment struggling to find gigs with the same outdated act. Hank's life changes after he falls in love with Agnes, a clerk at his local dry cleaners. Although Agnes loves Hank, she cannot understand his obsession with his old Comedy routine. It will take a visit from ghostly figure of "Chet" to reunite the lovers and provide Hank with the happiness that has eluded him since those old Vegas nights.
Director: Matthew Bora
Writer: Peter LaVilla
Stars: Peter LaVilla, Andrea Abrahams, and Matthew Bora
Long time Vegas Comedy act "Hank & Chet" enjoyed a successful career until Vegas outgrow them causing Chet to self-destruct in an alcoholic haze. Now in his fifties, Hank leads a lonely and solitary existence in a small New York City apartment struggling to find gigs with the same outdated act. Hank's life changes after he falls in love with Agnes, a clerk at his local dry cleaners. Although Agnes loves Hank, she cannot understand his obsession with his old Comedy routine. It will take a visit from ghostly figure of "Chet" to reunite the lovers and provide Hank with the happiness that has eluded him since those old Vegas nights.
Director: Matthew Bora
Writer: Peter LaVilla
Stars: Peter LaVilla, Andrea Abrahams, and Matthew Bora
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00♪
00:00:30♪
00:01:00What a night, what a night to see all those smiles. What a blast, what a guest. I had them rolling in the aisles. I gave them Hitchcock, I gave them Smitchcock, they couldn't get enough.
00:01:17Who said New Yorkers are tough? I gave them Hitchcock, I gave them Smitchcock, they couldn't get enough. Who said New York, oh, oh, oh, Spotlight.
00:01:34Everything is in place. What a great show tonight, guys. Boom, boom, boom. Be right back, I'm gonna change.
00:01:41Oh, yeah, things we say to make an audience smile. To keep them laughing and rolling in the aisles. To rock them and sock them with everything we've got to make them laugh.
00:01:55They want to or not. I love that one. You know, in Vegas, I had them rolling in the aisles with that one.
00:02:04Hey, that was funny, right? I mean, comedy is comedy. When a joke is funny, it's funny, no matter how old it is, right? I mean, this guy Shakespeare, he's been around hundreds of years, and people still laugh at his stuff, right?
00:02:17If a joke is funny, it's funny, no matter how old it is, right? Right?
00:02:24Hello? Hello? Hello?
00:02:30I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. When will you come in? I've got a mess in the bathroom. You'll see what's in there. My floor is covered with it.
00:02:40Hello? Hello? Hello?
00:02:46I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. When will you come in? I've got a mess in the bathroom. You'll see what's in there. My floor is covered with it. You don't know what I have in this house.
00:02:56Where have you been? I've been waiting all day for you. You finally got here. For heaven's sakes, I heard your car. That's why I knew you were here. I don't know what I'm going to do. You should see this place. It's a mess. The water is all over the floor.
00:03:14The toilet. Aren't you going to come in? No, I have so much that has to be done. I have a whole house to clean. I have a million things to do today. I've got to wait for you.
00:03:24How have you been in this business for heaven's sakes? I mean, I've had plumbers before, but I need to call them. They're here in a minute, in two minutes. This is a real emergency. Just look at this place. There's water all over the floor.
00:03:38You want to get my five fingers? Come on. Hand me all your equipment. What are you going to do to my toilet? This is a very expensive toilet that was just put in. I don't know how it got clogged. I have two grandchildren who were in that bathroom for ten minutes washing them.
00:03:51What could they have done in there? I can't imagine. I've got to cook. I've got to do a dinner. I have to clean the house. I have a million things to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. It took you forever to get here. I have to cook. I have to clean. I have a hundred things to do today, and here I have a stuck-up toilet.
00:04:08What are you doing?
00:04:10Oh, God. Everything hurts. Five more minutes. Five more minutes. Just give me five more.
00:04:37You must be Chester. I'm Henry.
00:05:03The lighting is important. Very important. It's almost as important as the wardrobe. Now, the wardrobe is important because it tells about the performer. Now, the performer, he's only as good as his material. Now, that's why it's the stage manager. That's you. That's why it's important that you come in on cue.
00:05:25Because the sound and the noise and everything, and that's how it tells the audience about the jokes, when to laugh, when not to laugh. Now, what do you agree on the sound?
00:05:35Say, uh, where did you say you were from, uh, Chester?
00:05:41Around.
00:05:44Oh.
00:05:55Those were the days.
00:06:01Those were the days.
00:06:11Yes.
00:06:14Whoa.
00:06:15Yeah.
00:06:21Hey, guys.
00:06:24What about that?
00:06:26Be back.
00:06:31Oh, yeah.
00:06:32The things we say to make an audience smile.
00:06:35To keep them laughing and rolling in the aisle.
00:06:37To rock them and sock them with everything we've got.
00:06:40Make them laugh whether they want to or not.
00:06:46And now, ladies and gentlemen, comedy tonight proudly presents the star of the show, Mr. Las Vegas himself, his comedian, Henry Hank.
00:06:59Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
00:07:01Yes, it is true.
00:07:02I am Henry Hank, and tonight I am coming to you.
00:07:07Ouch.
00:07:08Whoa.
00:07:14Hey, ready for a good joke?
00:07:16You want to hear one?
00:07:17This one will knock your socks off, guaranteed.
00:07:20Are you ready?
00:07:21Are you ready?
00:07:22Okay, ready?
00:07:23Why did the moron, Tiptoe, pass the medicine cabinet?
00:07:27You give up?
00:07:28Because he didn't want to wake up the sleeping pill.
00:07:41Are you ready for one?
00:07:42This one is going to knock your socks off, guaranteed.
00:07:45Are you ready?
00:07:46Are you ready?
00:07:47Okay, here we go.
00:07:50Oh, Henry, the things you say to make an audience smile.
00:07:54Leaves me and mortals sleepy and beguiled.
00:07:57You see, today's audience are much more clever than before.
00:08:01Telling ancient jokes can only bore, bore, bore.
00:08:05So it's up to you, comedian Henry Hank, to change your act or just stay in the tank.
00:08:12Make them smile, make them smile, make them smile.
00:08:20Didn't I tell you that was a funny one?
00:08:24Hello?
00:08:31Hello?
00:08:32The water's an inch thick all over the whole floor.
00:08:40What are you doing?
00:08:44Have you ever done this before?
00:08:46Look at that toilet.
00:08:47Look at the floor.
00:08:48It's going to go downstairs right into the basement.
00:08:51I'm going to have a new floor.
00:08:52I have a finished basement down there.
00:08:53It's going to be a mess.
00:09:01No more autographs, no more autographs.
00:09:03I'm not signing any more autographs today.
00:09:07Ha!
00:09:08Worse for thinking.
00:09:09Who wants autographs?
00:09:10He hasn't had an autograph in a hundred years.
00:09:17Don't worry.
00:09:18I made it in Vegas.
00:09:19And I'll make it in New York too.
00:09:21I love you.
00:09:23Your son.
00:09:26I love you.
00:09:34You did a great job last night, Chester.
00:09:36A great job.
00:09:38But you know what?
00:09:39Sometimes I don't understand how you do it.
00:09:41First you're over by the photograph.
00:09:43Then you're over there by the lights and the sound.
00:09:46And you're always on cue.
00:09:47How do you do it?
00:09:50Hey.
00:09:51That's okay if you don't want to reveal your secrets.
00:09:53I respect that.
00:09:57Hey.
00:09:58You know what day today is?
00:10:00Today is the day I'm going to ask Agnes out for a date.
00:10:05Yeah.
00:10:06Last week we exchanged names.
00:10:08This time I'm moving in for the kill.
00:10:13Good morning.
00:10:15Dry cleaned and pressed, please.
00:10:17And can I have it back today?
00:10:18What are you?
00:10:19A comedian?
00:10:20Well, I do.
00:10:22Cam, do you see the time?
00:10:24Now read this sign.
00:10:27Hey.
00:10:28Can't you break the rules?
00:10:29I'm a comedian.
00:10:30I'm a comedian.
00:10:31I'm a comedian.
00:10:32I'm a comedian.
00:10:33I'm a comedian.
00:10:34I'm a comedian.
00:10:35I'm a comedian.
00:10:36I'm a comedian.
00:10:37I'm a comedian.
00:10:38I'm a comedian.
00:10:39I'm a comedian.
00:10:40I'm a comedian.
00:10:41Hey.
00:10:42Can't you break the rules for an hour?
00:10:43What are you?
00:10:44A comedian?
00:10:46Hey.
00:10:47You know what day today is?
00:10:48It's Eastern Daylight Savings Time.
00:10:51You forgot to push the clock back an hour.
00:10:53What are you?
00:10:54A comedian?
00:10:55As a matter of fact, I am.
00:10:57And you'll win the doggie prize.
00:11:00An evening with Henry Hank.
00:11:03Quiet dinner for two.
00:11:05A little candlelight, wine, nice music, so-pa-bum-bum-bum-bum.
00:11:10An evening of unchanged.
00:11:13Doctor, my heart pills.
00:11:16Rudolph Valentino just walked into my life.
00:11:20I'm sorry I'm late.
00:11:22You know, the train overshot the stop.
00:11:24I had to wait for the next regular train to get off.
00:11:27Hello.
00:11:29Yes, dear.
00:11:30Yes, dear.
00:11:31Yes, dear.
00:11:33Well, I just walked in.
00:11:36Oh, chicken and potatoes are fine.
00:11:39Yes.
00:11:40Oh, but dear, could we have broccoli instead of potatoes?
00:11:44You know, the one with the garlic sauce.
00:11:46Can you please?
00:11:49Yes, dear.
00:11:50Yes.
00:11:52Potatoes are fine.
00:11:54Yes, dear.
00:11:55I'll be in at 528.
00:11:57Yes, dear.
00:11:59Goodbye, dear.
00:12:02Another one.
00:12:05You seem like a nice enough person.
00:12:08Trustworthy.
00:12:11Let's see.
00:12:14I have your name and address, your phone number, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
00:12:25I don't want to get too personal, but do you have, like, a cell phone or a beeper?
00:12:31Do you have, like, a cell phone or a beeper?
00:12:33Oh, no, no, no. I don't believe in those things.
00:12:37I mean, I want to trust you, but how come I never heard of you before?
00:12:44Were you ever on the Jenny Carson show?
00:12:47I'm from Vegas.
00:12:49Wow.
00:12:51Vegas.
00:12:55I've hardly been out of Jersey.
00:12:58So, do you want to go out with me on a date or what?
00:13:02We hardly know each other.
00:13:06Hello, mother?
00:13:29I think I'm falling in love.
00:13:33What do you mean, again, mother?
00:13:35Just what I said, again.
00:13:38Hey, Tiger, your daughter is falling in love again.
00:13:41Come on, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab.
00:13:44With a zip.
00:13:45When's the last time I told you anything about a man?
00:13:48Huh, mother?
00:13:49Three weeks ago.
00:13:50Oh!
00:13:51Hey, Tiger, isn't that right?
00:13:53Mother!
00:13:56What was he, a circus clown or something?
00:13:59Joker.
00:14:01What?
00:14:02I said he was a juggler, not a clown, okay?
00:14:06Whatever.
00:14:07Men are all the same to me.
00:14:10But, but, but, Henry's different, mother.
00:14:15I, I felt it the moment I, I touched his crotch.
00:14:19His what?
00:14:20His pants.
00:14:22To the zoo, at the cleaners, you know, when I work.
00:14:27God.
00:14:30See, when I look on this side, then you come over with the spotlight, and you give me that close-up, right?
00:14:35But when I'm facing this way, the spotlight, you know, you cover this end.
00:14:39Okay?
00:14:40You understand all that?
00:14:41Yes.
00:14:42Okay.
00:14:44We're going to go rehearse now, right?
00:14:45Mm-hmm.
00:14:46Okay.
00:14:48Good evening, ladies, ladies and gentlemen.
00:14:51Get the spotlight on this side, ready?
00:14:53Okay.
00:14:54Welcome, well, I'm over here.
00:14:57Spotlight on it.
00:14:58And welcome to the show.
00:15:00My name is Alfred Hitchcock.
00:15:05You think that would work better if I had, like, makeup on?
00:15:16Hi.
00:15:17How are you?
00:15:18Oh, good.
00:15:20I want to thank you for the same-day service.
00:15:22Thank you very much.
00:15:24You're welcome.
00:15:28Have a good day.
00:15:32Henry?
00:15:34Yes, Agnes?
00:15:36About your change.
00:15:38Oh.
00:15:41Okay.
00:15:43Henry?
00:15:45Yes, Agnes?
00:15:47Would you like to meet my parents?
00:15:50So soon?
00:15:52It's now or never.
00:15:54I prefer now.
00:15:56Okay.
00:15:58I love my Agnes tonight.
00:16:01We're going to be cool all night long.
00:16:04A little cha-cha.
00:16:06Today we are going to make history.
00:16:10Oh, Aggie.
00:16:12Aggie.
00:16:14Aggie.
00:16:16Yes.
00:16:22Yes.
00:16:39Will somebody please get the door?
00:16:43Yeah.
00:16:45Yeah, yeah.
00:16:54What?
00:16:56I thought it was for routine.
00:16:58Agnes.
00:16:59Just a moment.
00:17:12I'm sorry.
00:17:14I'm sorry.
00:17:16I'm sorry.
00:17:18I'm sorry.
00:17:20I'm sorry.
00:17:22I'm sorry.
00:17:24I'm sorry.
00:17:26I'm sorry.
00:17:28Oh, my God.
00:17:32You look handsome, too.
00:17:36I'm sorry.
00:17:38I'm sorry.
00:17:40So, Agnes tells me you're a comedian.
00:17:44That's true, Mrs.
00:17:46Mrs. What was your last name?
00:17:48Janice.
00:17:50That's weird.
00:17:52But you become one if I have a first name.
00:17:54Ruthie.
00:17:55It's true, Ruthie, yes.
00:17:56I am a comedian.
00:17:58You look old, Mrs. Jones.
00:18:00Why?
00:18:02You know, you look too old for my daughter.
00:18:07How old are you?
00:18:09Do you want me to guess?
00:18:11Well, I...
00:18:16Do you want me to take a wild guess?
00:18:19Of course.
00:18:21You wouldn't have to show proof.
00:18:23Birth certificate, driver's license, passport, things like that.
00:18:29Well, it was 50 years ago that my parents christened me Henry.
00:18:35And I...
00:18:39I...
00:19:02Is this a private funeral or can anyone join in?
00:19:06Agnes!
00:19:09Open.
00:19:14It was all my fault.
00:19:18I lied to my parents.
00:19:20I told them you were 40.
00:19:22Why didn't you warn me?
00:19:24I tried, but I didn't want to injure your leg.
00:19:27Oh, yeah. You know, it's getting better.
00:19:30Henry, I lied to you, too.
00:19:34Me?
00:19:35I'm not really 40.
00:19:37You're not really 40? Well, then how close to 40 are you?
00:19:40Pretty close.
00:19:42Oh, good. So how close is close?
00:19:44I'll be 40 in 10 years.
00:19:57If you still want to go out with me on a date,
00:20:01I accept your invitation.
00:20:08Oh, yeah.
00:20:16That's beautiful.
00:20:19Hey, good looking.
00:20:21Hey, guys, listen.
00:20:23Whatever he does, he must not bring Agnes to see his performance.
00:20:28If he does,
00:20:31kiss the relationship goodbye.
00:20:38Thank you for the carnations.
00:20:40They're lovely.
00:20:42How'd you know they're my favorite?
00:20:44A little bird whispered it in my ear.
00:20:47Now you're getting fresh.
00:20:49And so?
00:20:50And so,
00:20:52don't stop.
00:20:56You know what I think, Agnes?
00:20:58I think I'm falling in love with Agnes.
00:21:01I've never been engaged before.
00:21:08I thought you said you were taking me to a comedy nightclub to see you perform.
00:21:12We did.
00:21:13No, but this is where you live.
00:21:17You're taking me to your apartment on a first date.
00:21:22I never sleep with any man on a first date.
00:21:26I never sleep with any man on a first date.
00:21:31Don't be afraid.
00:21:33Don't be afraid. Come on.
00:21:35I'm not afraid.
00:21:41If anything happens to me,
00:21:44my mother knows exactly where I am and who I'm with.
00:21:47And she's trained to call the police
00:21:51if I don't call her every hour.
00:21:54So, I'm not afraid.
00:21:57It's okay. It's okay.
00:21:59What's behind that door, Henry?
00:22:01What's that noise?
00:22:02Is there an orgy going on in there?
00:22:05I gotta go.
00:22:06Where, Henry? Where are you going?
00:22:09I won't do it. I won't submit. No.
00:22:12Henry!
00:22:17Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:22:19Comedy Tonight proudly presents
00:22:22the star of the show, Mr. Las Vegas himself,
00:22:26his comedian, Henry Hank.
00:22:30Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
00:22:33Yes, it is true. I am Henry Hank,
00:22:35and tonight I am coming to you,
00:22:37ouch, live.
00:22:43How you doing? How you doing?
00:22:45You want to hear a funny joke? Okay.
00:22:47Ready for this one?
00:22:48How did George Washington
00:22:50tell his twin horses apart?
00:22:52Give up?
00:22:53The black one was two inches taller
00:22:56than the white one.
00:23:03I got a mean. I got a mean.
00:23:06Are you ready for this one?
00:23:07This one is going to really knock your socks off.
00:23:09Guaranteed. Okay, are you ready?
00:23:11Why did the moron
00:23:13bring a bottle of ketchup to bed with him?
00:23:15You give up?
00:23:17Because he wanted to ketchup
00:23:19on his sleep.
00:23:27Agnes.
00:23:29I can explain that.
00:23:31I can explain, Agnes.
00:23:47Okay, okay, quiet down now.
00:23:49Quiet down. You guys are good.
00:23:51Quiet down. I got one that's going to knock your socks off.
00:23:53Are you ready? Guaranteed.
00:23:55Alright? Are you ready?
00:23:57Alright, quiet down. Are you ready?
00:23:59Alright, alright. Why did the moron
00:24:01bring a bottle of ketchup into bed with him?
00:24:03Hmm? You give up?
00:24:05Because he wanted to ketchup
00:24:07on his sleep.
00:24:11You guys really are a great audience.
00:24:13I love you guys.
00:24:15I got a million other musical numbers.
00:24:17Are you ready? Are you ready? Quiet down.
00:24:19Are you ready? Alright.
00:24:21Why did the moron
00:24:23tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
00:24:25Hmm? Hmm?
00:24:27You give up? You give up?
00:24:29Because he didn't want to wake up
00:24:31the sleeping pills.
00:24:35I love you. I love you.
00:24:37I love you. Oh, you're beautiful.
00:24:39You really are great, guys.
00:24:45He didn't want to wake up
00:24:47the sleeping pills.
00:24:49Ha, ha, ha.
00:24:59Mr. Henry!
00:25:01Hey, Chuckie.
00:25:03What's up? How you doing?
00:25:05Listen, the weather got you here.
00:25:07I want to run by. A little W.C. Fields on you.
00:25:09Lay it on me. Okay.
00:25:11Ah, my little chickadee.
00:25:13I'm going to shop at my pet sale and park my car
00:25:15in your wondrous garage.
00:25:17Funny, funny, funny, funny.
00:25:19But a little risque, Chuckie. A little risque.
00:25:21But funny. How about this?
00:25:23How about curling with three students? I love it.
00:25:25Ready? I'm ready.
00:25:37You're the greatest.
00:25:39You keep working at it, you're going to have them rolling in the aisles, too.
00:25:41Just like I did. You got to get out of here.
00:25:43Absolutely. Thank you.
00:25:45I love that guy. He is the greatest.
00:25:47Ha, ha, ha.
00:26:03Biggies in Hollywood?
00:26:05Are you ready? Okay.
00:26:07Here we go. Our first impersonation is
00:26:09Peter Lorre.
00:26:11Peter Lorre, ladies and gentlemen.
00:26:13Woo!
00:26:15Woo!
00:26:19And then I squeezed.
00:26:21And I squeezed until I broke
00:26:23his yo-yo.
00:26:25Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:27Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:29Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:31Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:33Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:35Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:37Louis Casablanca.
00:26:41Woo!
00:26:43The letters are weak.
00:26:45The letters are transit.
00:26:47I need them, and I am willing to pay
00:26:49handsomely for them.
00:26:51Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:53And there it is.
00:26:55Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Cagney.
00:26:57Jimmy Cagney, ladies and gentlemen.
00:26:59Woo!
00:27:01Woo!
00:27:03You dirty rat.
00:27:05You shat my brother.
00:27:07Now I'm gonna plug you, see?
00:27:09Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
00:27:11Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:27:13What do you think?
00:27:15Funny, mate?
00:27:17Funny?
00:27:19Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:27:21Ha, ha, ha.
00:27:23Ha, ha, ha.
00:27:25Ha, ha, ha.
00:27:27Ha, ha, ha.
00:27:29Ha, ha, ha.
00:27:31Agnes,
00:27:33I hardly believe
00:27:35that you have me standing around
00:27:37by the window
00:27:39on the lookout for a man
00:27:41that you hardly even know,
00:27:43oh, but that you're so madly
00:27:45in love with.
00:27:47I'm not madly
00:27:49in love with him.
00:27:51I just like him, that's all.
00:27:53Oh, but, Agnes, dear,
00:27:55you always fall in love with men
00:27:57that you hardly know that you like.
00:27:59All right, so,
00:28:01I fell in love with him.
00:28:05That's no reason for me
00:28:07to want to see him again.
00:28:09Is it?
00:28:11Is it?
00:28:13Is it?
00:28:19Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:28:21That's good.
00:28:23Ha, ha, ha.
00:28:25You know, I had a body once like this.
00:28:27I had a body once like this.
00:28:29Yeah, it was day to day.
00:28:31But these stories
00:28:33are funny.
00:28:35Ha, ha, ha.
00:28:39Hello, happy cleaners.
00:28:41In by eight, out by five.
00:28:43How can I help you?
00:28:45I got an emergency call
00:28:47from Miss Agnes Jones, please.
00:28:49Oh, is this Henry Hank
00:28:51again? I thought so.
00:28:53No, Agnes
00:28:55is still on a vacation.
00:28:57Yes, Miami Beach.
00:28:59Well, I don't
00:29:01know when she'll be back, sir.
00:29:03Goodbye.
00:29:07That was him again.
00:29:09Another boy.
00:29:11Here's John
00:29:13Ween addressing the
00:29:15bartender.
00:29:17Bartender,
00:29:19I'll have a lemonade, and for
00:29:21my horse, straight
00:29:23whiskey.
00:29:25I love lemonade.
00:29:27No, no, no, no, no.
00:29:29You've got that all wrong.
00:29:33Chad, chill, you scared me.
00:29:35I didn't even hear you come in.
00:29:37John Ween would be the one to order whiskey.
00:29:39Huh?
00:29:41Huh?
00:29:43Don't you remember, Hank?
00:29:45The dude was a tough guy.
00:29:47Oh, yeah, tough guy.
00:29:49Hmm.
00:29:51You know, Chester, I've been meaning to talk to you.
00:29:53You know, you look very familiar.
00:29:55And yet... And yet what, Hank?
00:29:57You see what I mean?
00:29:59That's the second time you called
00:30:01me Hank.
00:30:03Do I know you?
00:30:05No, me?
00:30:07Only one other person in the world
00:30:09called me Hank, and he is...
00:30:11Yes, it's me.
00:30:13I'm Chad.
00:30:15Chad?
00:30:17The Hank and Chad show?
00:30:19My old partner?
00:30:21Well, hello, hello, hello.
00:30:23I'm Chad. He's Hank. He's Hank. He's Chad.
00:30:25Coming to you live tonight. Remember all that?
00:30:27But, but, but,
00:30:29you're dead. I saw you.
00:30:31You came in RJ's tavern and you were...
00:30:33What's that got to do with anything?
00:30:37Can you look at me?
00:30:41Oh, God.
00:30:43So, you know, after the funeral,
00:30:45you know, I decided to leave Vegas and,
00:30:47you know, start fresh. Start new.
00:30:49Well, I still see you haven't
00:30:51changed, right?
00:30:53I mean, you're still saying those
00:30:55same old moron jokes
00:30:57as you did way back when.
00:30:59It's a tough
00:31:01town, New York City. A tough
00:31:03town.
00:31:05Hey, and what about the time,
00:31:07remember, we were coming down from our hotel
00:31:09room to do the show, and the
00:31:11elevator that we were in, it got stuck for two
00:31:13hours. Remember that one? Yeah, I remember that.
00:31:15Oh, what about this one? Remember the
00:31:17time when the guy came up on stage and he
00:31:19threw a drink in your face because you made fun of his
00:31:21toupee?
00:31:25Oh, geez.
00:31:27Those were the good old days, Chad.
00:31:29Whatever happened to those good old days?
00:31:33They're over, Henry. They're over.
00:31:35You know, some of us, we have
00:31:37a problem with that.
00:31:39Yes, I know.
00:31:43Well, what is it? What is it with change
00:31:45that scares some of us? Is it the beginning?
00:31:47Is it the end? What?
00:31:51It's neither, Hank.
00:31:53It's just another gig.
00:32:03You can go there to visit.
00:32:07But you can't stay there.
00:32:10Good evening,
00:32:12ladies and gentlemen.
00:32:14The Skylight Hotel and
00:32:16Casino, the biggest and the
00:32:18best entertainment center in
00:32:20Las Vegas, proudly presents
00:32:22the stars of tonight's
00:32:24show. Here's that dynamic
00:32:26comedy duo, Hank
00:32:28and Chip.
00:32:32Hey, didn't you think he's ugly?
00:32:34Wait until you see his twin
00:32:36brother.
00:32:39That was good.
00:32:41I got one. I got one.
00:32:43Are you finished?
00:32:45I got one for you. Quiet down.
00:32:47I got a good one.
00:32:49Why did the moron
00:32:51throw the alarm clock out the window?
00:32:53Do you give up? You give up?
00:32:55You give up. Alright.
00:32:57Because he wanted to see time
00:32:59fly.
00:33:01You guys are good.
00:33:03You guys are really good.
00:33:09And after you wake up,
00:33:11you won't remember a thing.
00:33:17Now if you could please
00:33:19give me the power
00:33:21to stop him from telling these
00:33:23dumb moron jokes.
00:33:39I got a gig.
00:33:41I got a gig.
00:33:46Oh, what a hill.
00:33:48This will prove to them
00:33:50once and for all that
00:33:52Henry Hank is still in demand.
00:33:54Big demand.
00:33:58Maybe just one more over there.
00:34:00That'll look good.
00:34:02I got a gig.
00:34:04I got a gig.
00:34:06Maybe just one more over there.
00:34:08That'll look good.
00:34:18And the doctor said
00:34:20take two aspirins every
00:34:22four hours and call me
00:34:24in the morning.
00:34:26I love that.
00:34:28That is so funny.
00:34:30Hey, calm down.
00:34:32Are you ready?
00:34:34I got a rolling in the aisles in Vegas
00:34:36with this one. Are you ready?
00:34:38Are you guys ready?
00:34:40Why did the moron put
00:34:42band-aids in the refrigerator?
00:34:44He gave up
00:34:46because he wanted to cover up
00:34:48the cold cause.
00:34:50I love that one.
00:34:52Refrigerator, band-aids, cold cause.
00:34:54I love that one.
00:34:56Hey, buddy.
00:34:58You're a moron.
00:35:04No more autographs.
00:35:06No more autographs.
00:35:08No more autographs.
00:35:10No more autographs.
00:35:14We warned him
00:35:16not to tell those stupid
00:35:18moron jokes.
00:35:20What does he do?
00:35:22Does he listen?
00:35:24No.
00:35:26Keeps right on
00:35:28telling them.
00:35:30Hey, uh...
00:35:32Here he comes.
00:35:42Hey, guys.
00:35:54Thanks.
00:36:02I love you, guys.
00:36:32Let's take
00:36:34somebody.
00:36:38Hey, I'm just dialing you
00:36:40and here you are. How do you do that?
00:36:42Must be ESP.
00:36:48What?
00:36:54That's not going to work.
00:36:56I can't get the momentum. Let me see.
00:36:58Why did the moron bring the...
00:37:02What?
00:37:06Hey, why did the moron
00:37:08bring a ladder
00:37:10to work with him? You give up?
00:37:16I lost the punchline. It just went right out the window.
00:37:18It's a good thing I'm only rehearsing.
00:37:20I'm telling you.
00:37:22Oh, yeah, because he wanted to climb up
00:37:24in the business world. Of course.
00:37:28Hey,
00:37:30why did the moron bring a ladder
00:37:32with him to work?
00:37:34You give up?
00:37:36I can't stop
00:37:38thinking about Agnes. I just can't stop.
00:37:44You know, I can't understand it.
00:37:46The more I try not to think about Agnes,
00:37:48the more I think about it. I don't know what it is.
00:37:52It's called love.
00:37:54Love? Love.
00:37:56Maybe. Hey, you know what?
00:37:58I know why I called you.
00:38:00But you didn't tell me
00:38:02why you knocked on my door. Is there something
00:38:04on your mind that maybe you need my shoulder
00:38:06to cry on?
00:38:08Call her, Henry.
00:38:10Call her now before it's too late.
00:38:16Happy cleaners.
00:38:18How can I help you?
00:38:20Agnes is
00:38:22on her honeymoon.
00:38:24Honeymoon?
00:38:34Who is that?
00:38:38Your wife.
00:38:40She kissed again!
00:38:42I told you!
00:38:54Honeymoon!
00:39:16Honeymoon!
00:39:18Honeymoon!
00:39:20That's what you promised!
00:39:22What do you mean she went on a honeymoon?
00:39:24Where is Agnes?
00:39:26You better tell her,
00:39:28otherwise I'm going to punch your brains out.
00:39:30Okay, but before I do,
00:39:32promise me you'll teach me to do
00:39:34what drives the swimsuit?
00:39:36What?
00:39:38Promise me you'll teach me to be
00:39:40more assertive.
00:39:52Henry?
00:40:02Henry?
00:40:04Are you in there?
00:40:12Henry?
00:40:22Henry?
00:40:52Henry?
00:41:10Now,
00:41:12I can't believe this.
00:41:14I finally get one day off
00:41:16sitting around here
00:41:18and not one hot-looking female ghost
00:41:20walking by.
00:41:38It's working.
00:41:50It's working.
00:42:04Here you go.
00:42:06Thank you, ma'am.
00:42:08Here's to...
00:42:10whatever.
00:42:20Good night, everyone.
00:42:22Thank you, you were great.
00:42:24Drive home safe.
00:42:26Take care.
00:42:28Take care.
00:42:30Oh, man.
00:42:32Bye.
00:42:34Great show, huh?
00:42:36Great audience.
00:42:38I need a drink.
00:42:40A drink?
00:42:42What about the meeting with the boss?
00:42:44What about the meeting with the boss?
00:42:46What about the meeting with the boss?
00:42:48What about the meeting with the boss?
00:42:50The boss can wait.
00:42:52I need a drink.
00:43:18Okay.
00:43:20You can have a credit line to $30,000.
00:43:22I'd offer you a drink check,
00:43:24but you already have one.
00:43:26Just one more, please.
00:43:28One more.
00:43:30Here's your paycheck.
00:43:32Here's your partners, too.
00:43:34You're both finished.
00:43:36Clean up your dressing room
00:43:38and get ready for the meeting.
00:43:40I'll be right back.
00:43:42I'll be right back.
00:43:44I'll be right back.
00:43:46Clean up your dressing room
00:43:48and get out of here.
00:43:50I got a new act coming in in about 30 minutes.
00:43:52We're hankin' shit.
00:43:54We're hankin' shit.
00:43:56You're both has-beens.
00:43:58You're both has-beens.
00:44:00We'll be ridiculous.
00:44:02I mean, we put Vegas on the map.
00:44:04I mean, we put Vegas on the map.
00:44:06You're a drunkard.
00:44:08You're a drunkard.
00:44:10You gotta be reasonable, boss.
00:44:12And tell your partner
00:44:14that his jokes are old and stale.
00:44:16They're not funny anymore.
00:44:18If he wants to stay in this business,
00:44:20he better get a new act.
00:44:24Has-beens.
00:44:28Has-beens.
00:44:44Has-beens.
00:44:54Oh, my God.
00:45:14Oh, my God.
00:45:44And the doctor said
00:45:46on the wall.
00:45:48And the patient said
00:45:50what wall?
00:45:52What?
00:45:54You gettin' in a little dirt?
00:45:56Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
00:45:58Here's one that's gonna knock your socks off
00:46:00double guaranteed.
00:46:02Are you ready? Are you ready?
00:46:04Alright then, watch this.
00:46:06Why did the moron
00:46:08throw the alarm clock
00:46:10out the window?
00:46:12the window. Because you wanted to see time fly. Because he wanted to see time fly.
00:46:22I love that one. Oh you guys are you guys are beautiful. I love you. I love you.
00:46:28God bless you. I love you. I love you.
00:46:30Hello Henry. May I join you? Oh yeah please. Oh geez. I'm sorry. I'm such a klutz. It's okay.
00:46:49I heard you stopped by the shop today Henry. Yeah. That was nice.
00:46:54I stopped by your house today too but no one was home. That was nice.
00:47:05You look beautiful tonight Agnes. Oh you look handsome too Henry.
00:47:13So is that what you do for a living Henry? You tell jokes? What's wrong with being a comedian?
00:47:21Oh nothing. Well um yeah there is.
00:47:32If you don't mind my saying so Henry. Those jokes you tell are old and stale
00:47:41and not very funny. I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt your feelings.
00:47:51But I like your shoes.
00:47:57Shoes?
00:48:01My biological clock is ticking Henry. Marriage, children, family. Now that's
00:48:08what most women think about when they go out with someone who they care about.
00:48:21Can I get you anything else?
00:48:26If you don't mind me saying so. If you don't mind me saying so. You know I don't believe my
00:48:31biological clock is ticking and marriage and kids but the goal to look me straight in the eyes
00:48:37and tell me that my jokes are tired and they're old and they're boring and that no one laughs.
00:48:44I draw the line right there.
00:48:46Hey!
00:48:49Bingo!
00:48:50What?
00:48:51The part about the jokes. That's what's really bugging you.
00:48:55What's wrong with my jokes?
00:48:58They stink.
00:49:03They stink and if you want to see Agnes again you better change your act.
00:49:10And what about Vegas?
00:49:12Vegas? We're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy.
00:49:22So did you tell him everything I asked you to say?
00:49:26Yes mother.
00:49:28Good. A man his age should not be interested in getting married and raising young children.
00:49:35Yes mother.
00:49:37A man his age is too old to keep up with a younger woman. You can't live on Viagra forever.
00:49:45Yes mother.
00:49:48I wish someone would try Viagra.
00:49:58Mr. Henry!
00:49:59Hey Chucky! What's up?
00:50:01What's happening dude?
00:50:02You are just the guy I want to see.
00:50:03Really?
00:50:05Yeah yeah. Listen I've been working on this great invitation of Cary Grant.
00:50:09Great.
00:50:09Okay I want to pass it by you see if you like it.
00:50:11It's comfy. Go ahead.
00:50:12All right check it out. Judy Judy Judy you are so wonderful Judy. Okay?
00:50:19That's good that's good but the only thing Chucky maybe a little up and down
00:50:23maybe put the emphasis on the D. Try something like this maybe a
00:50:27Judy Judy Judy. Try something like that.
00:50:31Judy Judy Judy.
00:50:34You got it. You got to practice. You're going to get it. You're going to get it.
00:50:36You know I knew I could come to you because you're the best.
00:50:38Ah Chucks.
00:50:39You know I bet you when you were young you knew all these guys huh?
00:50:41Oh without a doubt those were the good old days Chucky. The good old days.
00:50:46I wish I was there with you man.
00:50:47Yeah boy they were great.
00:50:50I'm too old for marriage. I'm too old for that stuff.
00:51:02So
00:51:11Thank you Mr. President. Oh thank you Mr. President.
00:51:15Oh thank you thank you thank you Mr. President.
00:51:17Ah thank you thank you thank you Mr. President.
00:51:26And now ladies and gentlemen here is the star of tonight's show
00:51:30Mr. Las Vegas himself, here's comedian Henry Hank.
00:51:36Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
00:51:38Yes, it is true.
00:51:39I am Henry Hank, and tonight I am coming to you
00:51:44live.
00:51:46Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
00:51:47Ha ha.
00:52:03I was nuts about her, she was nuts about me.
00:52:06But her husband, he was nuts.
00:52:09Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
00:52:14Ha ha.
00:52:17Hey, hey, hey. I got one for you. Quiet down. I got one for you. Ready for this one? Okay.
00:52:28Man walks into the bar. He says to the bartender, bartender, how much is a scotch and soda?
00:52:35And the bartender looked up and said, ten bucks. And the man said, but boy, that's kind
00:52:40of high. How much is a straight whiskey? And the bartender looked at him and said, ten
00:52:47bucks. And the man said, but boy, that's kind of high too. How much is a glass of beer?
00:52:54And the bartender looked up and said, three bucks. And the man said, but boy, that's kind
00:52:59of high too, but I'll have a glass, a glass, a glass of beer just the same. So the bartender
00:53:04fixes him a beer, sets him up, goes down to the other end of the bar, strolls back, and
00:53:08on the way back, the man says to the bartender, I wanted to thank you for not making fun of
00:53:13that dog. And the bartender looked up and said, it's okay, pal, you didn't make fun
00:53:19of me and my hunchback. And the man said, but boy, is that a hunchback? I thought it
00:53:26was your goddamn ass, since everything else in the place is so goddamn high.
00:53:32Hey. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, folks. Listen, drive home safely. God
00:53:48bless you. Thank you for coming. Don't forget to tip your waiters. Good night. See you.
00:54:03Hello? What? I'm calling for Agnes. Why didn't she call herself? Oh, please don't shoot the
00:54:24messenger. Hon, who's on the phone? All right, I'll be there. Hon? Chloe, I haven't gone to
00:54:35sleep. You're so assertive. I like it. Yeah, baby. Yeah.
00:54:47You said you'd join us. Whose company frees the crowd? I don't know what to say to him.
00:54:55Tell him you want to jump his bones. Hey, man. Hey, Kate, there's a dude. Now get over
00:55:00there and tell him how you feel about him. Get over there. Come on. Get over there. Go.
00:55:10Dang it, man. Go. I want to have your child. Agnes. So, you're really not a comedian. You're
00:55:24really a janitor. No. When I'm working a gig, I'm a comedian. When I'm not working as a
00:55:30comedian, I'm a janitor. Okay, I see. So, are you rich? I don't think I can go through
00:55:49this again, Henry. Oh, come on, Agnes. Just give me one more chance. One more chance.
00:55:54Can't we at least have our first kiss? Please? I gotta run.
00:56:07See, I got one for you. Why did the moron bring the one he loves to see him perform?
00:56:17He gave up because he's a moron.
00:56:23Hey, Jackie. Hey, Mr. Henry. How you doing? What's the matter? What are you doing here?
00:56:51Oh, man. Am I having the worst day of my life. What's the matter? I gotta make breakfast
00:56:55this morning. I throw something in the toaster oven. Bang. The thing blows up on me. Then
00:56:59I go to do the dishes in the sink and the sink is so clogged up. I don't know what to
00:57:04do. And then I go to my car to go to work. The battery doesn't start. Dead as a door
00:57:10nail. I mean, what else can go wrong today? Listen. I can fix your sink. I can fix your
00:57:14oven. And now I'm going to help you fix the car. We're going to go do Mrs. Willoughby's
00:57:18funeral. I'm going to help you first. Come on. Come on, pal. Come on. I'll call her
00:57:22later. And I'll tell her I ran into you because you were having a hard time.
00:57:30I don't know why everything happens at the same time. I haven't been able to wash my
00:57:34dishes. The sink has been filled. I finally let some of the water out. What are you doing?
00:57:39My dishwasher is attached in there. Don't you break anything there. You gotta know what
00:57:43you're doing here. That pipe goes into my dishwasher. It mustn't touch that pipe. I'll
00:57:48have to have the whole dishwasher man come down here. Don't do that. What are you hitting
00:57:53there? Be careful. What are you screwing there? What is that? I don't think you're
00:57:57on the right way. What are you doing, this guy? I'm sorry. I don't want to insult you,
00:58:01but are you sure you know what you're doing? Oh, it's the red scissors. That poor kid
00:58:07was crying for his pacifier. He wanted it so badly.
00:58:12Grand out loud, what are you doing with a guy? You can't go out with a man like that.
00:58:16He's my age for grand out loud. Look at the people who walk in the middle of the street
00:58:19and think they'll be his grandchildren, not his veterans. That means a man cannot get
00:58:23it up. No, no. A man cannot get it up. Oh, don't you want to fire me down? Please. You're
00:58:30not going out with him. You're not going out with him, no.
00:58:37I got one for you.
00:59:06I got one for you. Why did the fire chief wear red suspenders to the fire chief's ball?
00:59:13You give up? To hold up his pants.
00:59:17Don't you know smoking's no good for you?
00:59:42Catch any fish today, kid? No, but I'm optimistic. Optimistic. I like that. Hey kid, how old
00:59:49are you? I'm 11. Hey, you want to hear a funny joke? Sure. Why did the fire chief wear red
00:59:57suspenders to the fire chief's ball? You give up? To hold up his pants. That's so old and
01:00:03it's not even funny.
01:00:19We are gathered here today to join together in a holy matrimony Henry Henry and Agnes Jones.
01:00:28If anyone can show just cause why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold
01:00:34witness. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
01:00:57Hello, happy cleaners. Hi, mother. You will? Oh, thank you, mother.
01:01:28I really appreciate this so much. I love you too. Bye, mother.
01:01:46And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is the star of tonight's show, Mr. Las Vegas himself,
01:01:53here's comedian Henry Hank. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Two standing ovations
01:02:03and now this, an encore. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what this is. I am so humbled.
01:02:10I don't know. You know what? Because you're such a fantastic audience, I'm going to tell
01:02:15you a joke that is so funny it's going to crack your ribs open. As a matter of fact,
01:02:18you're going to have to go for an x-ray. It's so funny. Are you ready? Are you ready?
01:02:22Okay. An 85-year-old man, he's sitting on the park bench crying his eyes out. Police
01:02:28officer walks up to him and says, oh man, why are you crying? And the 85-year-old man
01:02:34looked up and said, I have a beautiful 21-year-old wife at home. We have sex every morning, every
01:02:40afternoon, and every night. So why are you crying? And the 85-year-old man, he looks
01:02:49up and said, I can't remember where I live. What do you think? That was funny, right?
01:02:56That was funny.
01:03:10And you know what? I don't think she'll ever call again. I mean, why should she? Bringing
01:03:17her here and her parents? Making them listen to those tired, old jokes of his. Hey, hey,
01:03:29hey. Someone hit an auntie up.
01:03:36Hey, hi, Chester. Listen, this is Henry. I'm just wondering if maybe, like if you're in
01:03:40the neighborhood, maybe you could stop by. I'm feeling a little down tonight and I really
01:03:44need somebody to talk to. So if you're in the neighborhood, come on over, okay? Thanks,
01:03:48buddy.
01:03:54Ah, so what were we talking about? You were telling me about Agnes. Oh, yeah. You know,
01:03:59I really care about Agnes, but you know what? I don't want to give up, you know, being a
01:04:03comedian either. No one's telling you to give up anything. All you have to do is change
01:04:09your act. Just change your act. I don't know how. Well, it's about time you learned.
01:04:17You see this? This is God. See this? This is also God. And this? This is history. And
01:04:28this? This is also history. That's it. God. You see this? This is ancient history.
01:04:47Nothing wrong with memories. Just as long as they don't linger on.
01:04:59Change.
01:05:09Henry? Henry!
01:05:28Henry? Henry?
01:05:47So, what do you want me to do now? Make me laugh. Oh, that's easy. Hey, why did the moron
01:05:54tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? Laugh! Not cringe. I mean, say something to make
01:05:59me laugh. You don't think that's funny? Oh, how beautiful.
01:06:13Tell us about the time when you responded to the personal ads in the Village Voice.
01:06:16Personal ads? Yeah. So what about it? And how you felt when you realized your date turned
01:06:23out to be a transvestite? Are you crazy? Are you nuts? I can't tell him that. Why not?
01:06:29It's what comics do. They poke fun at themselves all the time.
01:06:42Cut.
01:06:54So, why don't you tell us about the time you tried to practice safe sex and, hey, two
01:06:58minutes into it, your hand started to get tired. Now I know you're crazy. How the heck
01:07:04did he know that? Forget about it. It's called change, Henry. Change. Henry, is that you?
01:07:14Agnes! Don't panic. Don't panic. Oh my God. Everything's under control. I'm being raped!
01:07:21Oh, everything is under control.
01:07:28Hi. Hi.
01:07:30Agnes, right? Ladies first.
01:07:34Okay.
01:07:44I always wondered what it would be like to hold one of these.
01:07:49Testing, testing. It works.
01:07:54Ah.
01:08:04Ladies and gentlemen, direct from Stupidville, here's one very stupid lady who's in love
01:08:17with a man but doesn't know how to tell him without making him think that he has to change
01:08:33who he is for her.
01:08:37Give me this one. Just this one time.
01:08:52Oh my God.
01:08:55Oh my God.
01:09:03Agnes, you're not the stupid one, Agnes. I'm the stupid one. I was the one who needed
01:09:09change, not you. I was afraid. I didn't know anybody. I didn't know there was anybody who
01:09:14really cared about me. But then you came along, Agnes, and you changed everything. It's you,
01:09:19Agnes. It's you.
01:09:23I love you, Henry. I love you for who you are.
01:09:34Oh. That was our first kiss, Henry.
01:09:39How was it?
01:09:40I'm not sure.
01:09:42If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
01:09:50Oh.
01:09:55Call 911.
01:09:57911.
01:10:19Hey.
01:10:49Hey.
01:11:19Hey.
Recommended
2:37
|
Up next
1:44
1:00
2:11
2:26
1:57
0:35
1:00
1:22
2:09
0:37
1:01
0:59
0:30
1:30
2:11
1:31
1:33
1:59:00
1:59:00
Be the first to comment