- 11 years ago
Horror (1986) 81 minutes ~ Color
Alternate Title: Freaky Fairytales
Your favorite nightmares come to life in a Horror/fantasy salute to the age-old bedtime story ritual. Travel on a mysterious journey to a medieval world populated by blood-crazed witches, evil experiments and captive maidens.
Then from the catacombs and dark caverns of medieval Europe, you plunge into modern suburbia and the frolicsome Adventures of a nubile lady jogger stalked by a savage werewolf.
Finally, sensuality becomes macabre black Comedy as you follow the trail of three escaped mental patients who share a country house with a daffy murderess.
Director: Jeffery Delman
Writers: Jeffrey Delman, J. Edward Kiernan and Charles F. Shelton
Stars: Steven D. Mackler, William J. Links, Edwin Picker
Alternate Title: Freaky Fairytales
Your favorite nightmares come to life in a Horror/fantasy salute to the age-old bedtime story ritual. Travel on a mysterious journey to a medieval world populated by blood-crazed witches, evil experiments and captive maidens.
Then from the catacombs and dark caverns of medieval Europe, you plunge into modern suburbia and the frolicsome Adventures of a nubile lady jogger stalked by a savage werewolf.
Finally, sensuality becomes macabre black Comedy as you follow the trail of three escaped mental patients who share a country house with a daffy murderess.
Director: Jeffery Delman
Writers: Jeffrey Delman, J. Edward Kiernan and Charles F. Shelton
Stars: Steven D. Mackler, William J. Links, Edwin Picker
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00You
00:01:24Get in that bed, it's too dark I can't sleep
00:01:31Brian do you know what time it is?
00:01:34But there's a monster in here and he wants to get me you don't lie down right now. I'm gonna get you come on
00:01:45Uncle Mike
00:01:46Sometimes mommy tells me story. Will you tell me one? No one not right now Brian
00:01:52I have to press the cat and vacuum the ceiling maybe later. Oh
00:01:57Please just one
00:01:59Brian please
00:02:04All right any any story in particular three little pigs Jack and the Beanstalk, I don't care
00:02:13Puss in Boots Rumpelstiltskin
00:02:15whatever
00:02:17princess in the pea
00:02:19Ugly ducklings Sleeping Beauty if you like Brian what story?
00:02:26Why don't you make one up
00:02:30All right
00:02:32The three little pigs were blown out of their digs and their houses and huts were despoiled
00:02:41The wolf huffed and puffed till the pigs cried enough. How can this wicked monster be foiled?
00:02:51Two piggies were eaten
00:02:53Before he was beaten
00:03:00It's no wonder why I turned out like I did
00:03:05Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid
00:03:10It's no wonder why I turned out like I did
00:03:14Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid
00:03:19A boy strong and proud climbed way up to the clouds on a product of magic beast village
00:03:26Brave and defiant, he swindled a giant whose wealth came from plunder and pillage
00:03:33Then he picked up an axe, gave the boy an axe, and cut the giant's head off
00:03:40Brave and defiant, he swindled a giant whose wealth came from plunder and pillage
00:03:45Then he picked up an axe, gave the beanstalk some wax, and dumped the giant on most of the village
00:03:55It's no wonder why I turned out like I did
00:04:00Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid
00:04:05It's no wonder why I turned out like I did
00:04:09Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid
00:04:15In the cloak of the night, I awake with a fright
00:04:19Got a blanket over my head
00:04:24You can say I'm insane, but it's stuck in my brain
00:04:28And folks put skins under my bed
00:04:39Some call it obscene, but the violence on screen vents the internal turmoil of drama
00:04:49Those buckets of gore were spilled ages before George Romero, Hitchcock, or De Palma
00:04:59And our fears and our stress through our times been expressed
00:05:04Through the fairy tale symbolic drama
00:05:09It's no wonder why we turned out like we did
00:05:13Remembering our bedtime tales as kids
00:05:18It's no wonder why we turned out like we did
00:05:22Remembering our bedtime tales as kids
00:05:27It's no wonder why we turned out like we did
00:05:32Remembering our bedtime tales as kids
00:05:36It's no wonder why we turned out like we did
00:05:41Remembering our bedtime tales as kids
00:05:45Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was a fisherman's son named Peter
00:05:53He was all alone in the world
00:05:56So, it came to pass, since he had no money, he was sold into slavery
00:06:01Bought by two evil witches
00:06:04And one day, he slept in hell
00:06:08Good? You bet it is!
00:06:27Does my heart good to see a handsome lad enjoy my cooking
00:06:33The secret is baby slugs
00:06:37The big ones are too chewy
00:06:40You have to wait for the really rainy days
00:06:45But you are worth it
00:06:48You're making me sick
00:06:51Get up boy, there's work to be done
00:06:55You go to the village, find the local person
00:07:00If I'm not wrong, he fancies himself
00:07:03Thinks he's quite a lady's man
00:07:06Are you listening to me boy?
00:07:10Tell him you know two lovely ladies who are just dying to meet him
00:07:16And you lead him here
00:07:18What lovely ladies?
00:07:19Never you mind
00:07:22Make sure he has a sip of that
00:07:28Leave the rest to me
00:07:35You wouldn't be tricking me now, would you boy?
00:07:38They are beautiful, huh?
00:07:42They are
00:07:43They got all their teeth
00:07:46Can't kiss a tart with rotten teeth, you know
00:07:49I would suppose
00:07:52Are they sassy?
00:07:56You know, sassy
00:08:04Boy, what did you say your name was again?
00:08:09Peter?
00:08:11I see you in my church
00:08:16They're almost here
00:08:21Well, get ready
00:08:29It's all right boy, I can find my way
00:08:36Where's my sassy?
00:08:41Oh, crumb
00:08:49You ladies have never had such a prominent man as I, huh?
00:08:54Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha
00:08:59You ladies have never had such a prominent man as I, have you?
00:09:06Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha
00:09:09No, no, no, no, no
00:09:16Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha
00:09:22Ha
00:09:31You little vixens it's a bit of bondage
00:09:52I
00:10:04Have the largest parsonage in the district
00:10:22I
00:10:39That's what you're up to
00:10:44Squeak
00:10:47What is this stuff anyway
00:10:52For me
00:11:22Here we are. Take the divine left hand from a holy man, the one that mirrors his heart.
00:11:30Well, ain't nothing holy about that one!
00:11:33Shh! Pay attention!
00:11:36Brain of a black cat, heart of an eagle, grind them together until they congeal.
00:11:44Brain of a black cat...
00:11:47Brain of a black cat... Heart of a black cat...
00:11:52What was it? Heart of a weasel?
00:11:54No, no, fat old fool! An eel! An eel!
00:11:57I'm not fat!
00:11:59You're not fat!
00:12:03Eel... eel... no eel!
00:12:11Now grind them together...
00:12:13I know, I know!
00:12:18There, that looks pretty congealed!
00:12:22Now pour in a vial of hemlock and ale, and top it all off with a black piggy's tail.
00:12:31Oh, how sweet!
00:12:41Now, my friend, guide us through...
00:12:47Where's our sister?
00:12:50Where's Magoga?
00:12:57West?
00:13:00The forfeits field?
00:13:18Hmm?
00:13:38Peter, come along! Stop playing with the nice man!
00:13:48Peter!
00:13:55What did I tell you about talking to strangers?
00:13:59Is this it? Did we find her?
00:14:01Shh! Quiet! Quiet!
00:14:07What is it, Hannibal?
00:14:11She's here!
00:14:15She's here!
00:14:41Get out of the way!
00:14:49Dig him out!
00:15:10Dig him out!
00:15:40Dig him out!
00:16:10She's here!
00:16:34It was Magoga!
00:16:37What have they done to you?
00:17:07Why did you wait so long to dig your sister Magoga up anyway?
00:17:20This one asks too many questions.
00:17:22I have no arms.
00:17:24You see, Peter, the spells to bring her back can only be cast when the full moon and the solstice come together on Friday.
00:17:34Once every thirty-six years.
00:17:37Thirty-seven.
00:17:39Thirty-seven? Are you sure?
00:17:42No, I spent the last twenty-eight years pulling an ounce.
00:17:47Of course I'm sure, stupid.
00:17:49I'm not stupid!
00:17:51You are stupid. Mother always said so.
00:17:54Mother always liked you best.
00:17:56Mother was a good woman.
00:17:58Nasty woman she was.
00:18:05Is that it? Are we ready?
00:18:08No.
00:18:10There's one last ingredient to be got.
00:18:17This is your busy day, boy.
00:18:22Yes!
00:18:24Remember, squeaky clean!
00:18:28Here, maybe I'd better help you.
00:18:31No, no, no, Ferlinda.
00:18:33I can do it.
00:18:36Come on.
00:18:38Come on.
00:18:40Come on.
00:18:42Come on.
00:18:44Come on.
00:18:46Come on.
00:18:48Come on.
00:18:50Come on.
00:18:53Come on.
00:19:00Can I have my clothes now?
00:19:02Please, now?
00:19:07Ma'am?
00:19:10What did you mean when you said that sort of girl?
00:19:14All in good time.
00:19:18Ma'am?
00:19:21I don't mind going out and getting you herbs and animals for your magic.
00:19:26But I didn't know you were going to hurt that priest.
00:19:29We do what we have to do.
00:19:33Yeah, but killing people?
00:19:35There are some things you just won't understand.
00:19:41Leave it to Hannibal and me.
00:19:44Leave what to you and me?
00:19:47What's his problem?
00:19:49He don't like you and me killing people.
00:19:54That's too bad, isn't it?
00:19:57You do as you're told, you lazy turd.
00:20:01Now hurry up, the both of you.
00:20:08Reminds me of myself in my youth.
00:20:12We're not going to hurt her, are we?
00:20:14You can't keep killing people.
00:20:16It's just plain wrong.
00:20:18I don't know what's getting into you.
00:20:21If you won't do this one little thing for me,
00:20:26well, then you can just go on back home.
00:20:31Yes, ma'am.
00:20:33What do you want me to do?
00:20:35You'll get her attention.
00:20:37And I'll sneak up on her with the cloth.
00:20:41What do I do?
00:20:44Think of something.
00:20:49Hello.
00:20:53Could I help you with that?
00:20:55I'm fine.
00:20:57I seem to be a little lost.
00:21:01The village is that way.
00:21:05Thanks.
00:21:12So, do you live here by yourself?
00:21:17Do you live here by yourself?
00:21:19No, I share the place with a bunch of dwarves.
00:21:21Can I help you with something?
00:21:23I've been pretty much walking for the past few days,
00:21:25and I was wondering, do you have some food or something?
00:21:29A beggar.
00:21:32I shouldn't be taking people in, though.
00:21:34Our parson's just been found murdered.
00:21:37I don't know, who knows what kind of lunatic he would be.
00:21:42Take a seat.
00:21:51This bread is very good.
00:21:53Much softer than they make at home.
00:21:55Baked this afternoon.
00:22:02You're staring at me.
00:22:04Very pretty bread.
00:22:08Maybe...
00:22:11Peter, what is it?
00:22:21Good work.
00:22:23Help me get her into the barrel.
00:22:26We may yet make a warlock out of you, Peter.
00:22:32I've had a good meal. I'm so pleased.
00:22:39You two took your own food time.
00:22:41It's almost midnight.
00:22:47So...
00:22:54So, this is our sacrifice, is it?
00:22:59Come on, don't stand there, give us in.
00:23:07Hasn't she got the loveliest eyes?
00:23:11I want them after.
00:23:13I get the eyes.
00:23:15You got them last time.
00:23:17I never get anything good.
00:23:20I get the eyes.
00:23:23Well, I claim all the teeth then.
00:23:28Come on, it's getting late.
00:23:53Ma'am?
00:23:56What is it?
00:23:58Can I be the one to use the knife?
00:24:03What?
00:24:04Yes, don't let him. I think he's ready.
00:24:09Now it's too important.
00:24:12You do it.
00:24:14He can kill the next sacrifice.
00:24:19It's time.
00:24:25Go ahead. Make me proud.
00:24:38Don't worry.
00:24:41Stay calm and follow my lead.
00:24:46Go on, read it.
00:24:48You read it.
00:24:50I can't read.
00:24:52You know I can't read.
00:24:56Euryus, the virtue and demons of the pit, hear us.
00:25:02Lord of the plague, send us the soul of our forsaken sister.
00:25:10Marry her with pestilence.
00:25:14And fill her full of hatred.
00:25:22Marry her.
00:25:52Marry her.
00:26:22Marry her.
00:26:52Marry her.
00:27:22Marry her.
00:27:52Marry her.
00:27:55Marry her.
00:28:19Take this life in thy darkest name.
00:28:24For our lives.
00:28:35Now you will pay.
00:28:44Euryus.
00:28:47Euryus.
00:28:54Wretch.
00:28:59I'm going to kill you.
00:29:01I'm going to cut you.
00:29:03I'm going to tear you to little pieces.
00:29:06Wretch.
00:29:18I'm going to hurt you like you hurt me.
00:29:25I'm going to kill you.
00:29:33You know, it would have been a lot easier if you just ran away when I suggested it.
00:29:54Euryus.
00:30:24Euryus.
00:30:46Excuse me, sir, but could you please tell us how to get out of here?
00:30:51You killed my sisters.
00:30:55I'm going to make this very painful.
00:31:20Euryus.
00:31:50Euryus.
00:32:20Euryus.
00:32:51Euryus.
00:32:55Euryus.
00:33:08Euryus.
00:33:11Euryus.
00:33:14Euryus.
00:33:17Much.
00:33:18Okay. Good night, kid.
00:33:20Good night.
00:33:21Good night.
00:33:47Uncle Mike!
00:34:11Uncle Mike!
00:34:31Isn't she just adorable, folks?
00:34:54What now?
00:34:55Thank you! Thank you!
00:34:59What is it?
00:35:00A monster was gonna get me.
00:35:03Oh, Brian, for Christ's sakes,
00:35:05the Miss Nude Bay Oat competition
00:35:06is on cable vision right now.
00:35:08One more story, please.
00:35:11Which story?
00:35:14Little Red Riding Hood.
00:35:16Little Red Riding Hood.
00:35:19Hmm. Okay.
00:35:22Once upon a time,
00:35:23there was a little girl called Rachel.
00:35:26Actually, she wasn't all that little.
00:35:28She was a hot-looking high school senior
00:35:30with clear blue eyes and fine, firm breasts.
00:35:34That's not the way Mommy tells it.
00:35:36Shut up. That's the way I tell it.
00:35:39Anyhow, one day,
00:35:40she came home after cheerleading practice
00:35:42and she realized she wanted to go jogging.
00:36:08electronic music plays
00:36:38electronic music plays
00:37:08electronic music plays
00:37:39electronic music plays
00:37:42electronic music plays
00:37:43electronic music plays
00:37:44electronic music plays
00:37:45electronic music plays
00:37:46electronic music plays
00:37:47electronic music plays
00:37:48electronic music plays
00:37:49electronic music plays
00:37:50electronic music plays
00:37:51electronic music plays
00:37:52electronic music plays
00:37:53electronic music plays
00:37:54electronic music plays
00:37:55electronic music plays
00:37:56electronic music plays
00:37:57electronic music plays
00:37:58electronic music plays
00:37:59electronic music plays
00:38:00electronic music plays
00:38:01electronic music plays
00:38:02electronic music plays
00:38:03electronic music plays
00:38:04electronic music plays
00:38:05electronic music plays
00:38:06Rachel! Rachel!
00:38:07I need you to run an errand
00:38:08for your grandmother.
00:38:11Okay, Mom.
00:38:19Uncle Mike, this story stinks.
00:38:21Where's the big, bad wolf?
00:38:22Isn't there supposed to be
00:38:23a big, bad wolf?
00:38:25Well, yeah, I'll get into that.
00:38:27Meanwhile, across town
00:38:28there lived this guy named Willie.
00:38:30Was he a wolf?
00:38:32Oh, no.
00:38:33Technically, he wasn't.
00:38:34Not full time, anyway.
00:38:37What's happening, my man?
00:38:39I got a little present for you
00:38:41from the islands.
00:38:42Oh, really?
00:38:43How lovely.
00:38:44Mmm.
00:38:46Save that for my vacation.
00:38:48Enjoy.
00:38:49Lunch hour.
00:38:50Ha.
00:38:51So, how much do I owe you this time?
00:38:54I don't know.
00:38:55I don't know.
00:38:56I don't know.
00:38:57I don't know.
00:38:58I don't know.
00:38:59I don't know.
00:39:00I don't know.
00:39:01I don't know.
00:39:02I don't know.
00:39:03I don't know.
00:39:04I don't know.
00:39:05How much do I owe you this time?
00:39:07Twenty-five will do it.
00:39:09I can only get seven for you this time.
00:39:11Yeah, we had an arrangement.
00:39:13I don't know.
00:39:14Just, uh, raise the price
00:39:15when you resell them.
00:39:18Yeah, sure.
00:39:22I don't know who would take this shit,
00:39:23anyhow, frankly.
00:39:24I took two of these,
00:39:25knocked me out for two days
00:39:27one time.
00:39:28Excuse me.
00:39:29Oh, yes, ma'am.
00:39:30What can I do for you?
00:39:31Well, I'm here to pick up
00:39:32a prescription for my grandmother.
00:39:34James Krieger?
00:39:35Uh-huh.
00:39:36Is this a house account?
00:39:37Uh, yeah.
00:39:39I'll write a charge for it.
00:39:40I'll be right back.
00:39:48So, what's your name?
00:39:51Rachel.
00:39:53That's a pretty name.
00:39:55Biblical, huh?
00:39:57I wouldn't know.
00:39:59Doing anything later?
00:40:02None of your business.
00:40:03Here you are, Miss Krieger.
00:40:05She'll just sign here.
00:40:06Okay.
00:40:07Rachel.
00:40:09Rachel.
00:40:10Um, where?
00:40:11Just anywhere on the bottom's fine.
00:40:16There you go.
00:40:18Bye-bye.
00:40:19Bye.
00:40:20Always a pleasure.
00:40:26Take this.
00:40:28It'll help you forget.
00:40:30Right.
00:40:34Bye.
00:40:46Sorry.
00:40:48Where were you?
00:40:50Just running.
00:40:54Where were you?
00:40:56Waiting for you.
00:41:00Hi.
00:41:01Hi.
00:41:03Hi.
00:41:11Not here.
00:41:15You're not going to back out on me again, are you?
00:41:22You want to go someplace else?
00:41:33Okay.
00:42:04You gave me goddamn grandmother's medicine.
00:42:08What are you talking about?
00:42:14Oh, shit.
00:42:15Oh, shit is right.
00:42:17I need those pills.
00:42:19Well, maybe you should ask Granny for them.
00:42:21Maybe you should ask Granny tomorrow morning.
00:42:23She's going to be sleeping pretty well tonight.
00:42:25Just give me your address, then, quick.
00:42:27Oh, man, I can't do that.
00:42:30Listen to me, you shit.
00:42:32If I'm not outclawed by Moonrise tonight...
00:42:44Give me your address.
00:42:47Now.
00:43:03Here we are.
00:43:05This is it.
00:43:06You're serious, aren't you?
00:43:10What do you think?
00:43:11How very classy.
00:43:17Well, lucky for you,
00:43:20I just happen to have some candles
00:43:23and an air mattress.
00:43:26How very spontaneous.
00:43:28Did you happen to bring an air pump, by any chance?
00:43:58No.
00:44:16Can I help you?
00:44:17Yeah, hi.
00:44:19Is Rachel here?
00:44:20No.
00:44:29She's not here.
00:44:34What's your name?
00:44:35Willie.
00:44:37Willie.
00:44:39Mom, if you leave your number, I'll have her call you.
00:44:42No, no, you can't do that.
00:44:44You see, it's kind of important.
00:44:46Look, can I just...
00:44:47Oh, absolutely not.
00:44:49No, if you can't leave your number, you'll have to go.
00:44:51Excuse me.
00:44:53Open the door!
00:44:54I will not!
00:44:56Now you go away, or I'll call the police!
00:44:59Lady, will you just open the door?
00:45:05Lady!
00:45:07Lady!
00:45:09Lady!
00:45:11Lady!
00:45:13Lady!
00:45:14Lady!
00:45:15Lady!
00:45:16Lady!
00:45:17Lady!
00:45:18Lady!
00:45:19Lady!
00:45:20Lady!
00:45:21Lady!
00:45:24Lady!
00:45:25Open the fucking door!
00:45:27Come on, lady!
00:45:29I have a meat cleaner here, and I know how to use it!
00:45:51Fuck.
00:46:21Oh, wait.
00:46:22What?
00:46:23I gotta pee.
00:46:51I'm back.
00:46:53I missed you.
00:47:22Hi.
00:47:23Hi.
00:47:35What's the matter now?
00:47:37Making love here.
00:47:40Spiders.
00:47:43Nah.
00:47:44It's too cold for spiders.
00:47:51You scared?
00:48:12Relax.
00:48:13Relax.
00:48:44Fuck.
00:49:05Fuck.
00:49:13No!
00:49:15I'm not ready!
00:49:40I don't look any different.
00:49:44What?
00:49:47Nothing.
00:50:04Did you hear that?
00:50:07Hear what?
00:50:09I don't hear anything.
00:50:13Fuck.
00:50:44Sorry we did it.
00:50:46No.
00:50:48Good.
00:50:50Hey, come on.
00:50:51It's getting late.
00:50:52What time is it?
00:50:54I don't know.
00:50:55Must be about six.
00:50:56Oh, shit.
00:50:57My grandmother's gonna kill me.
00:51:13Fuck.
00:51:43Fuck.
00:52:13Fuck.
00:52:43Who's there?
00:52:45Stop it!
00:52:47Stop it!
00:53:14Fuck.
00:53:35Well, we're here.
00:53:38You don't want me to walk you to the door?
00:53:40No, I'm in enough trouble.
00:53:42Wait here.
00:53:43I'll be back.
00:53:52Graham?
00:53:56Graham?
00:54:12Graham?
00:54:19What happened?
00:54:21Graham?
00:54:39Operator.
00:54:40Please, something terrible's happened.
00:54:42We'll send an ambulance.
00:54:44My address is 80 Oakley Road.
00:54:47Please hurry.
00:55:11Graham!
00:55:14Graham!
00:55:17Graham!
00:55:19Graham!
00:55:40Hello.
00:55:58Don't you think it's time you headed home?
00:56:01It's my fault.
00:56:03How can you say that?
00:56:05I want to be here when she wakes up.
00:56:10Can I get you some tea or something?
00:56:13No.
00:56:24Graham?
00:56:27Rachel?
00:56:31Oh, Rachel.
00:56:32Graham, I'm so worried.
00:56:36It's okay.
00:56:37It's okay.
00:56:39It's okay.
00:56:40How do you feel?
00:56:42I ran to the door.
00:56:49That bastard shot me from behind.
00:56:54I'm so sorry.
00:56:55I should have...
00:57:01Graham, are you all right?
00:57:03Are you all right?
00:57:07Grandma, look at the teeth you have.
00:57:13Red Riding Hood is grabbed in a frenzy of snarls and growls,
00:57:17ripped apart,
00:57:19and unfortunately no one lived happily ever after.
00:57:22The end.
00:57:23Good night.
00:57:33Good night.
00:57:49Uncle Mike?
00:58:03Uncle Mike?
00:58:09Uncle Mike?
00:58:18Monster!
00:58:23Monster!
00:58:25There is no monster in here.
00:58:27There's no monster in here.
00:58:29Nothing here, nothing here.
00:58:31There's no monster in here, isn't there?
00:58:33No monster in here?
00:58:35Nothing in here?
00:58:36Okay.
00:58:37So you see there's no monster in this room, right?
00:58:40Just one more story, please.
00:58:41Goldilocks and three beers, please.
00:58:43No.
00:58:44Just one, please.
00:58:45No, no, no.
00:58:46Please, just one.
00:58:47No more.
00:58:48Please, just one.
00:58:49It's time to go to bed.
00:58:50And I want to bed, please.
00:58:51Brian, no, no, no.
00:58:52Please, just one.
00:58:53Brian!
00:58:56Once upon a time,
00:58:58on a bright, sunny spring day,
00:59:01while the birds were singing and the bees were...
00:59:04being,
00:59:06there lived Papa Bear and Mama Bear and Baby Bear
00:59:11and a little girl named Goldilocks.
00:59:15All right, all right.
00:59:17Just what do you two think you're doing?
00:59:19We're going home.
00:59:20Sure you are.
00:59:21Maybe you'd like some money to take along with you.
00:59:23Sure, that'd be real.
00:59:24Let me handle this.
00:59:25Now, we don't want any problems from you, pal.
00:59:28We'll be out of here in a few minutes.
00:59:30Okay, okay.
00:59:31Why don't you just give me that gun before you go?
00:59:33I don't want any problems from you.
00:59:35I don't want any problems from you.
00:59:37I don't want any problems from you.
00:59:39I don't want any problems from you.
00:59:41I don't want any problems from you.
00:59:43Why don't you just give me that gun
00:59:44before you get yourselves in trouble?
00:59:50Now, don't try anything funny.
00:59:52Look, Dad, it's Mama!
00:59:54Oh, no, I'm not falling for that old one.
01:00:13Oh, I am sorry I am late.
01:00:16But you wouldn't believe the day I had one thing after another.
01:00:19First, this morning, I get a phone call.
01:00:21Miss Fran Re got his head stuck in the revolving door
01:00:23so he can't see my 330 hairdressers.
01:00:25Then, I'm sitting down watching Donahue.
01:00:27Why don't you tell us on the way?
01:00:29Oh, yes.
01:00:35Hang on, boys.
01:00:37Heads up.
01:00:41Sweet.
01:00:44Come on.
01:00:55Only grazed him the first time.
01:01:13The phone begins to ring.
01:01:15Well, if your psyche's all undone,
01:01:17there's a place where you can go.
01:01:19So dream in baskets and eating flies and having fun.
01:01:23Martha.
01:01:24What?
01:01:25I have to go.
01:01:27Oh, baby, you should have thought of that
01:01:29before we left the asylum.
01:01:30Happens every time we go anywhere.
01:01:33Can we stop for ice cream?
01:01:35No!
01:01:37Just where are we going, anyway?
01:01:39Remember that nice little house we used to live in?
01:01:41I think it's vacant now.
01:01:43Oh, yeah, the one in Amityville.
01:01:47A fantasy world may be bliss,
01:01:49and there is nothing wrong with this,
01:01:51though still you can have trouble finding dates.
01:01:54If you need a place to play, find yourself a hideaway.
01:01:58After all, it worked for Norman Bates.
01:02:01It's not that I'm not flattered.
01:02:04It's just that I'm, well,
01:02:06not ready to make that kind of commitment.
01:02:12I'm sorry things didn't work out between us.
01:02:15You are kind of cute.
01:02:18Will you be quiet?
01:02:23Well, I guess we better head inside.
01:02:28phone rings
01:02:39I really should be angry at you.
01:02:42You boys are all the same.
01:02:45You just want one thing and one thing only,
01:02:48just like all the rest.
01:02:51Afternoon, boys!
01:02:54Why don't you give us a kiss?
01:02:58What kind of girl do you think I am?
01:03:04Let's see.
01:03:07Norman, this is Fred.
01:03:09Fred, Norman, you two should get along well together.
01:03:12You have a lot in common.
01:03:14Time for News View from the Channel 12 newsroom.
01:03:19This morning, the calm serenity of the saints
01:03:22preserve us home for the helplessly insane
01:03:25was shattered by the bloody breakout
01:03:28of Beresford Papa Bear and Wilmont Baby Bear,
01:03:33who are each serving combined sentences
01:03:36of 4,726 years for their assorted crimes.
01:03:41With me is Lieutenant Jack B. Nimble of the Metro Police.
01:03:45Tell me, Lieutenant, are there any new developments in the breakout?
01:03:49Our best clue so far is a set of tire tracks from the car.
01:03:53Surely there are quite a few cars with similar tread patterns.
01:03:58But not with dentures in them.
01:04:00In addition to the Bear family's bloody escape today,
01:04:03police believe the murderess Goldie Lox,
01:04:06who escaped last week, is now in our vicinity.
01:04:09Miss Lox, who has been periodically institutionalized since the age of eight,
01:04:13exhibits extreme psychotic behavior
01:04:16and is believed to be responsible for the deaths of at least 14 people,
01:04:20including her own parents.
01:04:22You are going to make me a star.
01:04:26I'm the darling of the media already.
01:04:29Tell me, what is your strategy?
01:04:32That is, exactly what measures are being taken
01:04:36to end the ghastly murderous spree of Miss Lox?
01:04:41Well, we plan to arrest her and, of course, put her in jail.
01:04:45That ought to do it.
01:04:47Moreover, it has been alleged,
01:04:49although this reporter finds it highly unlikely,
01:04:52that Miss Lox has some unusual psychic powers.
01:04:55Although we hasten to add, this has never been confirmed.
01:04:59In other news, President Re...
01:05:05Consider it confirmed.
01:05:09Are we almost there yet?
01:05:12I'm hungry.
01:05:14Oh, there's a picnic basket there in the back, dear.
01:05:17Now we're getting somewhere.
01:05:25What the hell is this? Porridge!
01:05:28Why must we always have porridge?
01:05:31Don't you know how to make anything but porridge?
01:05:33Tradition.
01:05:35Well, let's start a new tradition.
01:05:37Steak, pork, yak, anything but porridge.
01:05:41You know we can't afford steak, not on your salary,
01:05:44which, at the moment, is nothing.
01:05:46Right. We need money.
01:05:49How about welfare?
01:05:52What? Welfare? That's ridiculous!
01:05:55Our family will get our money the way we've always gotten it.
01:05:58Honorable!
01:06:06Hey! Hey, you can't do that! Stop!
01:06:10You can't do that!
01:06:23Oopsie!
01:06:36And that was the scene today
01:06:38as the notorious Bear family
01:06:40successfully pulled off a daring daylight robbery.
01:06:43I'm fortunate enough to have in the studio with me today
01:06:47Lieutenant Nimble of the area police
01:06:49in charge of the Bear family apprehension
01:06:51and Captain Quick of the state police
01:06:54in charge of the locks investigation.
01:06:56Gentlemen, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules
01:06:59to be with us today.
01:07:01Sure. Anything to get on television.
01:07:04Captain Quick, what do you think the recent murder sprees
01:07:07say about today's society?
01:07:10I don't know.
01:07:12Well, it's because of today's permissive sex
01:07:17and recreational violence.
01:07:20It's like a huge festering pus war
01:07:25that just keeps getting larger and bigger
01:07:27and grows larger and larger
01:07:29until it explodes, covering us all
01:07:31with a sticky, slimy, smelly mess.
01:07:35It's like when you lay down with dogs
01:07:37you get up with puppies.
01:07:39Well, let's follow that up, Lieutenant Nimble.
01:07:41In cases such as these,
01:07:43what are the chances for a successful rehabilitation?
01:07:45Oh, I...
01:07:46You gotta catch him first.
01:07:48What?
01:07:49You have to catch him first.
01:07:51What do you mean by that?
01:07:52Nothing. Remember, I've seen you in action.
01:07:55Are you saying I'm a bad cop?
01:07:57Yeah, I'm calling you a bad cop.
01:07:59Hey, fellas, we're here on the air.
01:08:17Someone's in there all right.
01:08:26We could throw in a few of these
01:08:28and help open up the area.
01:08:30At the community college, silly,
01:08:32I took pirate techniques,
01:08:34hand-to-hand combat, and...
01:08:36What else?
01:08:37Oh, yes, macrame.
01:08:40Nah, too messy.
01:08:42Let's go in with the old Avon lady bit.
01:08:45Just cover us with the Uzi.
01:08:58What?
01:09:23Someone's sleeping in my bed.
01:09:25Someone's sleeping in my bed.
01:09:29Somebody's sleeping in my bed.
01:09:52You're expecting perhaps Janet Leigh?
01:09:56All right, get out!
01:10:02Look what I found.
01:10:04I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone lived here.
01:10:07Aren't you cute. What's your name, honey?
01:10:09Goldie. Goldie Locks.
01:10:12Actually, it's Goldie. I was born during the Six-Day War.
01:10:15Isn't she darling?
01:10:17Shall I waste a deer?
01:10:18No, don't, honey.
01:10:19I wouldn't be much bother.
01:10:20I can cook and do all sorts of things.
01:10:22Well, I don't know.
01:10:24What do you think, Milo?
01:10:26I think she'll fit in just fine around here.
01:10:29She'll be like the daughter we never had.
01:10:31And you'll be like the parents I brutally slaughtered.
01:10:34She's been spotted here, there, and here.
01:10:39Now, our reconnaissance says she has to be here in this deserted house.
01:10:43So here's the plan of action.
01:10:45In one hour, we'll form on the highway just outside the house.
01:10:49Once we group, we go in in plainclothes cars.
01:10:54We'll line up out front and wait for her to come out.
01:10:58And bring plenty of firepower, boys.
01:11:00This little girl's our dynamo.
01:11:08You must have been a beautiful baby.
01:11:11You must have been a beautiful child.
01:11:24Oh!
01:11:26Hello, baby.
01:11:28You startled me.
01:11:30Gee, I'm sorry.
01:11:32Pop asked me to bury these guys.
01:11:38So tell me, why did they call you baby anyway?
01:11:42I don't know.
01:11:45I guess I got a little carried away.
01:11:48I like you, baby.
01:11:51You're so different.
01:11:54Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:11:57I'm just a regular guy.
01:11:59No, don't ever say that.
01:12:02You've got to be different from the rest.
01:12:05I like you, too, Goldie.
01:12:08Kiss me.
01:12:10Kiss me.
01:12:12Kiss me.
01:12:14Kiss me.
01:12:16Kiss me, Goldie.
01:12:18Kiss me.
01:12:30Wow!
01:12:32What a woman!
01:12:38I love you.
01:12:40I love you, I love you.
01:12:42Baby!
01:12:44Baby!
01:12:46Baby!
01:12:48Baby!
01:12:50Baby!
01:12:52Baby!
01:12:54Baby!
01:12:56Baby!
01:12:58AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
01:13:12Oh, finally, I found you!
01:13:16Sorry boys...
01:13:28She loves me.
01:13:30We know the bears are holed up in that house across the field.
01:13:33Now, considering the shrewd criminal mind we're dealing with...
01:13:36She loves me not.
01:13:38We decided to enter through the rear.
01:13:40That's my idea.
01:13:42She loves me.
01:13:44You spell the name N-I-M...
01:13:46She loves me not.
01:13:48B-L-E. Now, in case they're shooting, remember, drop low and to my right.
01:13:52That's my best side.
01:13:55She loves me!
01:14:00We thank thee, Lord, for what we are about to receive.
01:14:05Orange again?!
01:14:07Lord, I'm commotioned. I didn't have the time to go to the store today.
01:14:12And on top of all that...
01:14:14It's too hot!
01:14:16What'll we do?
01:14:18Why don't we go for a walk until it cools?
01:14:25Nah, screw it! Let's go get a pizza!
01:14:30Papa...
01:14:32I have to go.
01:14:34No!
01:14:55No anchovies. They're all like hairy fish.
01:14:57All right, no anchovies.
01:14:59Do you want anything else?
01:15:01Can I have a drink, Papa?
01:15:03Oh, why not?
01:15:05I'll have a double bourbon and whiskey, please.
01:15:08I'll have a U.
01:15:10No, no U, boy.
01:15:12I'll have a double bourbon and whiskey, please.
01:15:14I'll have a U.
01:15:16No, no U, boy.
01:15:18I'll have a double bourbon and whiskey, please.
01:15:20I'll have a U.
01:15:22I'll have a U.
01:15:24No, no U, boy.
01:15:26Chocopop, okay?
01:15:28What about you, little princess?
01:15:30Coke.
01:15:32Geez, what a bunch of weirdos.
01:15:40All right, men.
01:15:42That's far enough.
01:15:44From these positions, we have optimum viewing capacity.
01:15:47I don't want anyone to advance further...
01:15:51The thing to do here is to remain calm, alert, and relaxed.
01:15:56The key is not to overreact.
01:15:58I'm getting too old for this type of life.
01:16:02I didn't want you to be part of it.
01:16:04I had other plans for you.
01:16:07Senator Bear.
01:16:09Governor Bear.
01:16:11President Bear.
01:16:14Not this.
01:16:16If only we could just settle down quietly somewheres.
01:16:20Not now. We're probably on every police blotter in the country.
01:16:23Where will we go? What will we do?
01:16:26California. We'd probably blend in there.
01:16:28Nobody would notice us there.
01:16:30Yeah.
01:16:32And you can become one of them television preachers.
01:16:50No.
01:17:03Fire!
01:17:13Geez, Larry!
01:17:15And so the scene here is total carnage.
01:17:22To repeat, the infamous Bear Gang has been wiped out by a fierce fire fight that utilized the combined efforts of local authorities and the state police.
01:17:33In addition, the report is that little Goldilocks, who is known to have killed a dozen plus people, was also consumed in the fray.
01:17:45There are a great many bodies found on the scene so far, that it is doubtful that the police will ever be able to try to identify any of the remains.
01:17:57In addition, there are the following injuries.
01:18:01My treat.
01:18:31And they all lived happily ever after.
01:18:41Though not everyone they came across was so lucky.
01:18:48Okay? No more stories?
01:18:51No more stories.
01:18:53Okay. Good night.
01:18:55Night.
01:19:01Uncle Mike?
01:19:31And now the big moment. When we crown Miss Lude Bayon.
01:19:45The murderer is...
01:19:55Nah.
01:20:01I was leaning on an oak tree. I was looking pretty tough.
01:20:05When this chick in red sweat jammies came by running through the rough.
01:20:10She was wearing hot pink Nike's as she sprinted through the wood.
01:20:14She had sexy thighs and her big blue eyes were peeking through her hood.
01:20:24Hey you in red, why don't you wait for me?
01:20:29Did you hear what I said?
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