00:00What would Michael Jackson be called if he was in the X-Men?
00:03Wolverine!
00:09Who's the strongest Arab?
00:11The Protein Shake!
00:16I have a friend who is half Indian. His name's Ian.
00:30I was tickling my son's little feet until my wife woke up and started yelling at me.
00:34Something about waiting until he's born?
00:45That's horrific!
00:49I was breastfed until three. But enough about my day. How was yours?
01:03A guy down on his luck sees a sign in a bar window to win a thousand pounds.
01:07So he goes in to find out how.
01:08The bartender says first, you have to knock out that big guy at the end of the bar in one
01:11punch.
01:12Second, I have a pit bull with an abscessed tooth and he's pulled.
01:15Third, you have to go upstairs and make love to my 400 pound wife.
01:18The gentleman declines but after a few hours of drinking changes his mind.
01:21He walks right up to the big man at the bar and bang! Knocks him out cold.
01:23He then goes into the back where the dog is.
01:26And for an hour they can hear the poor dog barking and crying.
01:28Finally, our hero returns and asks,
01:30So where's this fat bitch with the abscess tooth?
01:42For an hour they can hear the dog crying.
01:44For an hour though.
01:46An hour!
01:47An hour!
01:48An hour!
01:49A farmer enters his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm.
01:52His wife is lying in bed reading.
01:53Honey, says the farmer, I can't lie anymore.
01:55This is the pig I've been f***ing on the side.
01:57That's not a pig you idiot, responds his wife.
01:59That's a sheep.
01:59He looks at his wife and says, wasn't talking to you.
02:08Mackenzie, where are you from?
02:10Essex.
02:10How many Essex girls does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
02:14Five.
02:15One to make the mixture and four to peel the smarties.
02:32Peel the smarties.
02:36Oh, that's so funny.
02:42A woman gets on a bus and the bus driver says,
02:45That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
02:47Angry, she storms to the back of the bus and sits next to a man who is reading his newspaper.
02:51He notices the woman is visibly upset and asks her what's wrong.
02:53She says, that bus driver just insulted me and my family.
02:56The man says, well that's just terrible.
02:58You go up there and give him a piece of your mind.
02:59Go ahead.
03:00I'll hold your monkey for you.
03:16A waiter approaches the table, takes out his writing pad and says, can I take your order?
03:20The man says, I'm not sure what to order.
03:22The waiter says, how about the duck?
03:24The duck says, I'll have lasagna.
03:42I'm not sure what it is.
03:46I remember my first time buying protection.
03:49I was 16 or so.
03:50I went in to buy a packet of them at the pharmacy.
03:52There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.
03:55She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
03:58I honestly answered, no, this is my first time.
04:00So she unwrapped it, took out one and slipped it over her thumb.
04:03She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
04:05I apparently still looked confused.
04:07So she looked all around the store to make sure it was empty and said, just a minute.
04:10Walked to the door and locked it.
04:12Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
04:15She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
04:17Do these excite you?
04:18She asked.
04:19I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.
04:21She then said it was time to put it on.
04:23As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her underwear and laid down on her desk.
04:27Well, come on, she said.
04:28We don't have much time.
04:29So I climbed on her and almost instantly, kapow, I was done.
04:33She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
04:35Did you put that condom on?
04:36She asked.
04:36I said, I sure did and held up my thumb to show her.
04:55Yeah, I did.
05:01Sweating.
05:02Yeah.
05:03I read in a book that having too much sex can cause memory loss.
05:06I read it on page 14 in the appendix of a documented medical journal on the 12th of March 2023
05:10at 3.20pm.
05:15A sheep, a drum and a rattlesnake fall down a hill.
05:19Badumps.
05:32My non-binary child was crying yesterday, so I patted their back and said, they're there.
05:46Doctor, doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection and it never broke.
05:50How is that possible?
05:51The doctor says, let me tell you a story.
05:53There once was a hunter who always carried a gun.
05:56One day, he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went hunting.
05:59A lion suddenly jumped in front of him and to scare the lion, he pointed out the umbrella like a
06:03gun, pointed it and went BAM!
06:05And a lion died.
06:07The patient replies, nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion.
06:10The doctor says, good, you understand the story.
06:12Next patient, please.
06:18A rabbi and a priest are participating in shared Sunday school classes.
06:22The school building catches fire and is going fast.
06:25The priest and the rabbi run for the door.
06:26The priest shouts, what about the children?
06:28The rabbi yells, f**k the children.
06:30The priest yells back, do we have time?
06:36I knew it was going to be bad.
06:40I knew it was going to be bad.
06:42A burglar breaks into a home to find a couple making love.
06:45He ties them up and after bagging the loot, he's about to leave.
06:48The man begs, please don't leave us tied up.
06:50Nobody checks on us.
06:51We'll starve.
06:51The thief says, nah, it's too risky.
06:53The man says, please, just untie her.
06:55I'll do anything.
06:56I'll give you my car keys, empty my bank account, anything.
06:59The thief says, wow, you must really love your wife to be begging like that.
07:01The man is almost crying.
07:02He says, my wife will be home in five minutes.
07:10A year ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, best friend and most gorgeous woman I know to marry me.
07:15All three said no.
07:20An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.
07:24She reached speeds of five miles per hour, but in her mind, she was zooming at breakneck speed.
07:28The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.
07:32Hold it right there, Mabel, said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop.
07:35I need to see your driver's license.
07:37Mabel reaches into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids.
07:40The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.
07:42A few moments later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they've had reports of
07:47a stolen car that matched the description of the scooter.
07:49Rose asks to see her registration and Mabel produces an expired coupon from her purse.
07:53Rose examines it and tells Mabel she's free to go.
07:56Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.
07:58She takes a wrong turn into George's room and comes to a stop.
08:01George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his private parts in his hand.
08:04Oh damn, says Mabel, not the breathalyser again.
08:15Oh my god!
08:20Oh my god!
08:22A woman has two handsome admirers.
08:24One is a doctor and one is a deaf man.
08:26Every day the doctor gives the woman a rose, while the deaf man gives her an apple.
08:29One day the woman says to the deaf guy,
08:31Hey, that doctor friend of mine gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that.
08:35Why do you give me an apple?
08:36The deaf man replies, What?!
08:44That's it.
08:46Welcome.
08:46Welcome.
08:46.
