- 2 hours ago
CLASSIC TV BLOOPERS UNCENSORED - A Non Stop Marathon Of Outtakes, Goofs, Blunders and Gag Reels
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CreativityTranscript
00:00:00Quiet, please!
00:00:01Chloe, how's the mic shadow?
00:00:03It's okay, I'll just leave it where it is.
00:00:05Put the mic down yourself.
00:00:07Eddie, give me a little more heat on the goose.
00:00:09It was on page 23.
00:00:10Oh, didn't I give them to you?
00:00:12That's a little too much. Take it down.
00:00:14The exact words don't matter. The idea is to keep it natural.
00:00:17All right, this is a take.
00:00:20Quiet on the set!
00:00:27For the ultimate in relaxed viewing,
00:00:31Oh, hi out there in television land.
00:00:40If you love me, you would. You don't love me.
00:00:43I do too.
00:00:44You do not.
00:00:47What's my next line?
00:00:49I just want you to know, even though I've been a little tough on you,
00:00:52I really do like you.
00:00:54Oh, go fuck yourself, Charlie!
00:00:57Hey!
00:00:59And we go off to America.
00:01:01Fair enough.
00:01:02And we do the telly.
00:01:03Oh, we do the Ed Sullivan.
00:01:05Good old Ed.
00:01:06Ed Sullivan.
00:01:07Hi, Ed.
00:01:14I'm Mr. Ed.
00:01:17Listen, they made me...
00:01:20I'll shoot the living shit out of you, can't you?
00:01:25Which hand has the M&Ms?
00:01:28This one?
00:01:29Or this one?
00:01:32Then hold your position.
00:01:33We're locked onto your coordinates.
00:01:35We are prepared to beam you aboard.
00:01:37Captain.
00:01:38You forgot all about the environment and all that stuff.
00:01:41Do you want to really do that?
00:01:43Ha.
00:01:45David.
00:01:46Can I ask you something?
00:01:48Hey, don't ask me anything.
00:01:49You're a pain in the ass.
00:01:50Get out of here.
00:01:51Out of some other shop.
00:01:52Fed up the hair with you.
00:01:53Do that again.
00:01:54You're a little Jew draw.
00:02:31All right.
00:02:32I'll get off the ladder again.
00:02:33And action.
00:02:35This is Dick Bander's sermon.
00:02:39Guys, it's three o'clock and I promise it's...
00:02:41I'll try my sermon.
00:02:43Bye.
00:02:44Bye.
00:02:45Bye.
00:02:46Bye.
00:02:46Bye.
00:02:46Bye.
00:02:46Bye.
00:02:47Bye.
00:02:48Bye.
00:02:49Bye.
00:02:54Bye.
00:02:56We didn't like that?
00:02:59Well, I didn't exactly like it.
00:03:01But I forgot the lines.
00:03:10Why did he pick on Richie and no one else?
00:03:13I don't know.
00:03:20Warden, warden, thank goodness you're all right.
00:03:22I got here in time.
00:03:24What is it, Lyle?
00:03:25The men, the men, they're rioting in cell block three.
00:03:28Burt Lancaster is holding you and Cronin hostage.
00:03:34I missed the blinds.
00:03:39The men, they're rioting in cell block three.
00:03:42Burt Lancaster is holding you and Cronin hostage.
00:03:47Lyle.
00:03:49Warden, they're going to kill him if they don't get your demands.
00:03:51And I blew that.
00:03:55Look at your window.
00:03:56Damn it.
00:03:56Stay where you are.
00:03:58All right, do the window pit.
00:03:59Get shot.
00:04:00Go.
00:04:02Lyle.
00:04:03They're going to kill him.
00:04:07Keep going.
00:04:08Keep going.
00:04:09Okay.
00:04:14Help.
00:04:18And action.
00:04:19Eight.
00:04:21Nine.
00:04:22Oh, hi.
00:04:24You're like everybody else.
00:04:25I'm paying more attention to physical fitness these days.
00:04:27And I've learned one thing.
00:04:29Physical fitness has to include dental fitness.
00:04:32Dental health.
00:04:33Because if you're going to take care of your body, it makes sense to start with your mouth.
00:04:36And right now, during Children's Dental Health Week, check your family's dental health program.
00:04:42Because healthy teeth mean fine tobaccos.
00:04:46And he knows if he does hit her back, that we're going to put it in time.
00:04:56Good night, folks.
00:04:59Hi, Mom.
00:05:00Hi, Dad.
00:05:06Bitch, the fun is she's not playing guessing games while chewing.
00:05:12Do you remember the girl with the motorcycle, all dressed in pink?
00:05:15Pinky putt.
00:05:15Pinky putt.
00:05:19Johnny, go upstairs and study.
00:05:21Or you can forget about Friday night and Jenny Piccolo's...
00:05:27I'll do.
00:05:28Ship ahoy.
00:05:31I'll tell you, if I knew I was going to sit, I'll be a...
00:05:33Shit.
00:05:35Well, don't worry.
00:05:37I'll do better next year.
00:05:38Are you kidding?
00:05:40Last year...
00:05:41Wait, hold it.
00:05:41What is that line?
00:05:42There's not really what is that line.
00:05:44It's a...
00:05:45Say pick up and action.
00:05:49Hey, Richard.
00:05:50The fun is now...
00:05:51Ha, ha, ha.
00:05:57I got the line.
00:05:59I'm going to keep your fingers crossed.
00:06:01And action.
00:06:03Oh.
00:06:08This is it.
00:06:09Okay, Richard.
00:06:10Are you ready?
00:06:10And action.
00:06:18You need to reach that to another angle.
00:06:21Why?
00:06:24Something like it?
00:06:26You want to dance first or go right out to the heavy stuff?
00:06:30Go right out to the heavy stuff.
00:06:34Oh, Howard, they could play at the annual Leopard Lodge pooh-pa do-dos.
00:06:41Fine, she's not played guessing games.
00:06:45Come on, come on.
00:06:47Not that long.
00:06:49Fine.
00:06:49I agree.
00:06:54I agree.
00:06:54Must never...
00:06:54Oh, I failed.
00:06:56Watch out.
00:06:57Take back.
00:06:58I was out in here.
00:06:58Yeah, I was out.
00:07:02Okay, we got this one.
00:07:03Ready?
00:07:05And action.
00:07:07Hey, Richard.
00:07:08The fun is now playing guessing games.
00:07:12Hey, Richard.
00:07:13The fun is now playing guessing games.
00:07:20Pull him down on that.
00:07:21Look, look, I'll take a break back.
00:07:23As a matter of fact, I'm putting these gloves on backwards.
00:07:27You were wonderful.
00:07:28We were just discussing how great you all say.
00:07:30Oh, thank you very much.
00:07:31We wouldn't have a group without Joanie.
00:07:32Oh, you'll be so successful.
00:07:34Do you have a wedding?
00:07:35That's right.
00:07:37How about early tomorrow morning?
00:07:39First thing.
00:07:40I'll be there at 6 a.m.
00:07:41No, don't show her yet before you.
00:07:42Let's start over.
00:07:46Hey, Al.
00:07:47Have you seen Chachi?
00:07:48Yeah.
00:07:48Fancy's letting you use his office.
00:07:50I'll go get him.
00:07:51Hey, Chachi!
00:07:53Chachi?
00:07:53Wait a minute.
00:07:54Do it again.
00:07:54Let's set her here.
00:07:58Now, about the dog.
00:07:59Recent research has shown that very often, pets are treated as actual members of the family.
00:08:06For this reason, when the pet is given this added responsibility, he begins to assimilate various and sundry homosexual...
00:08:21Hey, Richie, the Fonz did not play guessing games while chewing.
00:08:25Richie?
00:08:25Richie, it would be right if he knew what the next line is.
00:08:30That's it.
00:08:31Let's go.
00:08:31That's the one.
00:08:32Hey, Chachi, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:08:34Are you sure the bathroom's outside?
00:08:36No, I'm not.
00:08:40How do you feel?
00:08:42I gotta take a piss.
00:08:43I gotta go to the bathroom!
00:08:46Danny Tamas, 166.
00:08:49PG-1, take one.
00:08:50Don't worry, if you don't get it right, we'll take it again and again, and we'll beat you after a
00:08:53while.
00:08:53Come over here.
00:08:55Boy, if that'll make you happy, you'll be in heaven around here.
00:08:58You know what they call me?
00:09:00Loudmouth Dan!
00:09:02Yes, I know.
00:09:04Yeah, let's do it again.
00:09:06I'm sorry, I stepped on your laugh, audience.
00:09:09You laughed in the most ridiculous place, you snoops.
00:09:13And it's got 30% more protein per spoonful than any other cereal, and I gotta say it again, because
00:09:19I blobbed it.
00:09:22Well, if you're gonna get so dramatic about it, I'll go move in with one of the neighbors.
00:09:27You'll go do what?
00:09:37Why somebody can't hurt us this week?
00:09:42All right, come on.
00:09:43Someone...
00:09:45If I ever hear you complain, young man, you'll really get it for me.
00:09:50You're a pretty lucky kid to have your own room.
00:09:52Well, if you're gonna be so dramatic, I'll bo...
00:09:57It's simple, dear.
00:09:58You want to make a quick dinner look.
00:09:59You grab a box of post-alphabets.
00:10:02That's that wonderful new alphabet cereal with all the letters shaped from A to Z.
00:10:07It's a delicious cereal.
00:10:08So sweet, but just sweet enough.
00:10:11Now, that's wrong.
00:10:12Shall we dance?
00:10:13Take it away and pick it up.
00:10:15Okay?
00:10:16Okay?
00:10:17All right?
00:10:19Start yourself, honey.
00:10:21Oh, please, audience, don't applaud.
00:10:24Go back, Harry.
00:10:26The audience loused up our commercial.
00:10:29All right?
00:10:31You say ABC delicious.
00:10:33They're A-B-C-D-licious.
00:10:36Which hand has the M&M's?
00:10:39This one?
00:10:41Or this one?
00:10:43Or this one?
00:10:44Or this one?
00:10:45Or this one?
00:10:46Or this one?
00:10:46Or this one?
00:10:47Look what I've got.
00:10:50Men of America.
00:10:52Men who work with their hands.
00:10:55Men who know the difference between imitation and the very best.
00:10:59Yes, men of America smoke Chesterfield cigarettes.
00:11:05Really?
00:11:05All the time.
00:11:10Simply scrunchies.
00:11:17Men, meet Bill Rigg, star player of the Florida defaults.
00:11:22Bill, you've been using Gillette blades and rapid lather for almost ten years now.
00:11:27Is that true?
00:11:28Yes, bud.
00:11:30That is true.
00:11:31So, friends, do as Bill Rigg does and use Gillette.
00:11:42Colonel, the above-mentioned sniper fire is endangering all my personal medical...
00:11:49Give me the phone.
00:11:51Oh, it must be very exciting riding around in one of those massive machines with that big cannon going in
00:11:57the...
00:11:58Wait a minute, I can't go in there.
00:12:01Peace, Tosh.
00:12:02Come on, I'm just a corporal.
00:12:04You think that lets Hitler...
00:12:06Well, you could do better than that.
00:12:08Watch it, Frank.
00:12:09Then I'm going to court-martial a dead man for making you smirk-nerk.
00:12:13Really?
00:12:14That is.
00:12:15All right.
00:12:15Where can I get some streptomyosin?
00:12:18I'm, uh, forgetting my lines.
00:12:22Lieutenant, you put your foot in the right hands.
00:12:24You'll be doing the Lambeth walk in no time.
00:12:27Hey.
00:12:28For Pete's sake, somebody swiped our microscope.
00:12:30Oh, that really stinks.
00:12:32Anybody who'd steal a hospital's telescope.
00:12:38Bray and Peggy about your death.
00:12:40Any messages?
00:12:41No, hold on.
00:12:42I had an R.I.P.
00:12:43Yes, Blake.
00:12:43Oh, my nudge.
00:12:46I'm writing Peggy about your death.
00:12:48Any messages?
00:12:49No, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll just let go.
00:12:52The Red Cross won't help me?
00:12:54What do they want?
00:12:54Blood?
00:12:55There's just no getting through.
00:12:57Eisenhower.
00:12:58What's he coming to help me?
00:12:59Wake up.
00:13:02The colonel can count on me as his second-in-command to...
00:13:06I'll kick it up.
00:13:08Colonel Potter, I want to see you.
00:13:10One step closer and you might get to hope.
00:13:12I don't know what I'm going to say.
00:13:14Of course, Major Byrne handles our most difficult cases.
00:13:18Which is only fair.
00:13:19He's our most difficult doctor.
00:13:21You see that foot?
00:13:22That's mine.
00:13:23And I fucked it really good.
00:13:25What would have been the loss?
00:13:27One less huckster to tell America that its armpits stink?
00:13:31That can't be it.
00:13:35You need a hobby.
00:13:37I toss horseshoes.
00:13:39The wife needle points.
00:13:41Oh, shit.
00:13:42Shit.
00:13:44Shit.
00:13:46Oh, shit.
00:13:48What's your name, fella?
00:13:49Maxwell, sir.
00:13:50Well, you're going on KP, Maxwell.
00:13:51Well, I am on KP, sir.
00:13:55Oh, a minute you're coming in.
00:13:56Ah, putz.
00:13:57I know a woman who collects clippings of mine class, Capge's Carver.
00:14:00Oh, yeah?
00:14:01I know a woman who collects clippings of mine accident shafts.
00:14:07Now, you've all just had your own tour of breath, whatever the fuck it is.
00:14:14The trashy substances act, sir.
00:14:17Really?
00:14:19Burns, some men forget their lines.
00:14:26Burns, some men...
00:14:33Now what?
00:14:34Got this man walking into the stream seven miles down the road, Colonel.
00:14:37Oh, man.
00:14:37Man.
00:14:38I'll be back.
00:14:41Colonel Blake was our CO.
00:14:44He was okay.
00:14:46From the naval every direction out.
00:14:52Welcome home.
00:14:55I got all very decadent, of course.
00:14:59Yeah, it's very decadent.
00:15:00But we have ways and means of...
00:15:07Hear ye, hear ye.
00:15:09Announcing the arrival of her royal highness, daughter of the king of Esther Hagen, Duchess of Baravia,
00:15:15lady-in-waiting to the dowager, Queen of Lichtenstein,
00:15:17heirs apparent in the barony of Lohengral,
00:15:20grandniece to the Duke of Grastrock,
00:15:22Sturk, Strak, shit.
00:15:25It's all very decadent, of course.
00:15:28Yes, very decadent.
00:15:30But we have ways of...
00:15:36Hear ye, hear...
00:15:43All very decadent, of course.
00:15:44Mm-hmm.
00:15:44Yes, very decadent.
00:15:45But we have ways of...
00:15:47Isn't that incredible?
00:15:48I'm marking this down.
00:15:49It's all going in the report.
00:15:51You've got to sit down...
00:15:52Can I ask you something?
00:15:53Hey, don't ask me anything.
00:15:54You're a pain in the ass.
00:15:55Get out of here.
00:15:56Out of some other shop.
00:15:57Fed up the hair with you.
00:15:58Do that again.
00:15:59Give you a little Jew draw.
00:16:03I've had it with you.
00:16:04Four days.
00:16:05This isn't going with the wind.
00:16:06We're standing here.
00:16:07You're doing 40 minutes.
00:16:08It's costing me $8 million.
00:16:11$7 million?
00:16:12Can I have your word of honor?
00:16:14As a gentleman in an...
00:16:26Hopin, can I have your word of honor?
00:16:37Hopin, do you give me your word of honor?
00:16:41As a gentleman and as an officer, that you will not be.
00:16:45Yes, sir.
00:16:46What do you do?
00:16:47I'm not.
00:16:47I swear to God, I'm not.
00:16:48I'm putting my hand in between fireman's carriage.
00:16:51Now, as soon as I touch the man, he locks in on me.
00:16:54What I want to know is, in a fireman's carriage,
00:16:57how we can get both hands on the cheeks.
00:17:02That's what I'm trying to figure out.
00:17:04I swear I'm not kidding around.
00:17:06Come on.
00:17:08I'll get that.
00:17:11Come on.
00:17:12This is the end of Dorothy and Barbara.
00:17:15I'll get the ring Friday.
00:17:18Could we meet early tomorrow and look for furniture?
00:17:21Don Rickle.
00:17:21Oh, God.
00:17:21Rickle.
00:17:22Yes, sir.
00:17:23The camera's on.
00:17:23Look at it.
00:17:24Well, okay.
00:17:25Don't scare me.
00:17:25Boo.
00:17:27How the white kid.
00:17:28Go ahead.
00:17:29No problem.
00:17:30Wait.
00:17:31Now, watch your hand.
00:17:32Okay.
00:17:33Come on.
00:17:34All right.
00:17:34Action.
00:17:35Yeah.
00:17:44Hogan, can I hold cum?
00:17:46All right.
00:17:46Now, we're going to start out at daylight.
00:17:48That'll give you a four-hour start and enough time to circle the flats and get across the plateau.
00:17:52Fine, we'll be there.
00:17:53Good.
00:17:53See you.
00:17:54Come on.
00:17:55Let's go.
00:17:56Right over.
00:17:58Action.
00:18:00I do appreciate this, Mr. Cartwright.
00:18:05I want to take a look at that arm.
00:18:07Oh, it's not enough.
00:18:14Action.
00:18:36That is a cut, isn't it?
00:18:37Yeah, it's a cut.
00:18:38Yeah.
00:18:39Back run.
00:18:41Action.
00:18:43Yeah, burn.
00:18:43You sure do smell good.
00:18:45I'm sorry I can't leave the same about you.
00:18:46Well, I'm spending all day long wagging a load of hides when you can't shut.
00:18:50All right.
00:18:54Don't lose so fast.
00:18:57Uh-oh.
00:19:00Those are not my cards.
00:19:01I work in this deck.
00:19:04These two here and the three you got in your hand.
00:19:06I count five kings.
00:19:09But they're not my cards.
00:19:11I forgot to blow the line.
00:19:14Cards.
00:19:14All right.
00:19:17I don't know what they're...
00:19:20Let's start again.
00:19:21Cards.
00:19:23Mr. Cartwright, you expect me to buy those hides?
00:19:27What's the matter with them?
00:19:28With the brand.
00:19:30What about...
00:19:31Bunga Rosa brand?
00:19:32Well, turn them over.
00:19:34What do you call this brand?
00:19:36I did it badly.
00:19:38You can't have them!
00:19:59Hit.
00:20:02Oh, shit!
00:20:03I'm shot!
00:20:05Jesus, I wish I had a bullet.
00:20:06You got somebody particular in mind?
00:20:09Nope.
00:20:10Oh, I just...
00:20:11I mean, it'd be nice if somebody that needed it wanted...
00:20:14Oh, well.
00:20:15Good.
00:20:16I guess I'm just getting a little gun shy.
00:20:18Yeah.
00:20:19I wouldn't try to influence you, are you kidding?
00:20:21Thanks.
00:20:24No, Widow Cumberland.
00:20:25Ah!
00:20:26I knew it.
00:20:27There you go.
00:20:28Look, I said the Widow call...
00:20:29I know at least man, including Wayne...
00:20:32What the hell ever her name is?
00:20:34God damn it.
00:20:36What is that cunt's name?
00:20:38Tell me about it so I can stay in my room and violate my teddy bear.
00:20:43I remember it.
00:20:47You just better pray, motherfucker.
00:20:52What the hell did you say?
00:20:54Don't make sense to me, kid.
00:20:56Shut up, man.
00:20:57Looking over at the cabin door.
00:21:00Dan, look at the cabin door.
00:21:01Oh, shit.
00:21:02The kids are coming out, babe.
00:21:03Just take a quick peek now.
00:21:06All right, save it.
00:21:07I can't turn my...
00:21:09Cut.
00:21:10Okay?
00:21:10Oh, jeez.
00:21:18All right, Ike.
00:21:22It wouldn't be honest not to tell you, but the horse has taken a leap.
00:21:31God damn, you take a long time, Locker.
00:21:46Good evening, I'm Roger Grimsby.
00:21:48Hear now the news.
00:21:50We report this program this evening from the carrier USS Bennington.
00:21:54The ship, for officers and men, for medical supplies, for foodstuffs, for helicopters.
00:22:02As the new American ambassador to the seizing Vietnam Republic, Henry Cabot Lodge.
00:22:1262-year-old Alexei Kostigam is a mechanical engineer by education.
00:22:23Ah, the ship, you got one on there, darling.
00:22:26Look at that.
00:22:27Come on, come up, buddy.
00:22:28Come on, let me go to help you.
00:22:30There we are, buddy.
00:22:31Now we're going to give up.
00:22:37Know where the power is, and that's in the United States.
00:22:40So, for this reason, the Kremlin will boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:22:46Does this make the people on the picket lines downtown feel more secure to know that there
00:22:50is a group of adult men who are armed behind them?
00:23:01Good evening.
00:23:03With the wind.
00:23:15Now, it is a pleasure to be here tonight and to participate in the program which opens up
00:23:21a series of discussions, sometimes known as great debates.
00:23:46Let us begin anew.
00:23:49Ladies and gentlemen, now for another special award.
00:23:52To present that award, a very special young lady who came to Hollywood by way of UCLA.
00:23:57I'm sure she is easily recognized, at least here in her own community, although she could
00:24:02very easily travel anonymously just any place, Miss Jane Mansfield.
00:24:24Thank you very much.
00:24:27Now, down to business.
00:24:29Now, down to business.
00:24:41Special award in recognition of his superb artistry, the beloved Peppy.
00:24:47Peppy, he may be here, or he may not.
00:24:51In case he's not, we will be prepared to sort of stage other capabilities.
00:24:58Canteen's Blouse.
00:25:06Canteen's Blouse, brought in by her from Tokyo, where his picture may be premiered last night,
00:25:10but Mickey Rooney is going to accept.
00:25:49Who, uh, who wants to be tall?
00:26:11All kidding aside, uh, Jane, may I say, uh, Mr. President...
00:26:18And, uh, I'm standing in a hole now.
00:26:22Mr. President, and ladies and gentlemen of the Foreign Press Association.
00:26:27Without all kidding aside, may I say, I'm a very poor substitute for the great Canteen's.
00:26:33And I'm sure we're here tonight.
00:26:47What was I saying?
00:26:51Absolutely not.
00:26:52And don't try to twist me around your little finger.
00:26:54If you love me, you would.
00:26:55You don't love me.
00:26:57I do, too.
00:26:58You do not.
00:27:01What's my next line?
00:27:02Go ahead again.
00:27:04Wait, everyone.
00:27:05Go ahead.
00:27:09Action.
00:27:11Uh, Fran and Ethel should be here in a minute.
00:27:13Oh, here they come now.
00:27:14Ricky, Ricardo, for the last time, are you going to let me be in that act or not?
00:27:17No.
00:27:18Hi.
00:27:19Hi.
00:27:20Come on.
00:27:20Let's go home.
00:27:23I don't care.
00:27:24We might as well go home if it isn't going to be fun.
00:27:27I want you to see the new line of chorus girls.
00:27:29Oh, on second thought, my dear, I don't want to spoil your evening.
00:27:39Please, Ricky.
00:27:41Absolutely not.
00:27:42And don't try to twist me around your little finger.
00:27:44If you love me, you would.
00:27:46You don't love me.
00:27:47I do, too.
00:27:49You do not.
00:27:51Would you get me?
00:28:02What are you doing here?
00:28:18Wait a minute.
00:28:20What's all the excitement about?
00:28:21She pulled down her pants and did some obscene things to her.
00:28:30Up yours.
00:28:34I'll arrange for full cooperation from British intelligence.
00:28:42Goodbye.
00:28:46Cut.
00:28:48Emergency services.
00:28:54God damn it.
00:28:56Shit.
00:28:59Ain't done up in this yet.
00:29:02Tonight, I'll split the patrol and the pumper.
00:29:04That'll increase our coverage.
00:29:06Jesus H. Christ.
00:29:07Let me just say that line, all right?
00:29:09Yeah, Rick, I'm on whatever that street is.
00:29:13I'll tell Susie to call everybody and have...
00:29:16I don't know why that fucking line is doing that.
00:29:19Goodbye.
00:29:21Yeah.
00:29:21Walt?
00:29:22Yeah.
00:29:22She gives great head.
00:29:24All right.
00:29:26Cut it.
00:29:26All right.
00:29:27Okay, we've got to move him.
00:29:28We've got to take all this stuff with us.
00:29:30All right.
00:29:31Now, how the hell are we going to do that?
00:29:34What?
00:29:38Come on down, my ass.
00:29:40Roger, Doc.
00:29:42God damn it.
00:29:44Get rid of that fucking thing.
00:29:47What's that?
00:29:49Breaking the rules of living, learning how to live.
00:29:53If something rules.
00:29:55Civilized assholes, I think, is a line.
00:29:57But we've got to make that work for us.
00:30:00So that we stay on our toes, so that we stay alert.
00:30:03And any time we're alert, we're alert.
00:30:05We've got to make that work.
00:30:08No.
00:30:10God.
00:30:12I've got to make that work.
00:30:16I've got to make that work.
00:30:16But I ain't taking the full wrap.
00:30:17Well, you shouldn't.
00:30:18I mean, you know.
00:30:19You're not the only responsible party.
00:30:21Hey, I need to speak out there.
00:30:23How's all those other skaters?
00:30:24What about the bikers?
00:30:26What about them?
00:30:27What do you mean, what about him?
00:30:29It takes two to tango.
00:30:30What are you talking about, man?
00:30:31Hold it, you guys.
00:30:32You're not solving anything
00:30:33by putting the blame on you.
00:30:34We should go back and try that way.
00:30:35We can keep going.
00:30:37Keep going.
00:30:38Okay, I'll admit it was partially my blame,
00:30:41but I ain't taking the full rap.
00:30:42Well, you shouldn't.
00:30:43I mean, you know, you're not the only...
00:30:44Well, you know...
00:30:45Well, I mean, let's go back and...
00:30:47Hey, sorry.
00:30:49What about him?
00:30:50Hey, it takes two to tango.
00:30:51What are you talking about?
00:30:53What do you mean, what am I talking about?
00:30:54You know what I'm talking about.
00:30:56Hey, shit, Ed.
00:30:58Go eat.
00:30:58Out of going to overlap him.
00:31:00But I ain't taking the full rap.
00:31:02Well, you shouldn't.
00:31:02You're just killing the stuff.
00:31:04In Hazard County,
00:31:05when you see the Duke boys barreling along...
00:31:07Oh, shit.
00:31:08And so Jesse and the boys
00:31:10all headed back to the farm.
00:31:12Now, if that's all,
00:31:12I'll fuck you.
00:31:13Let's get out of here, y'all.
00:31:30He just...
00:31:31I'm gonna get...
00:31:32I'll just stick it in his...
00:31:43$5,000 a day for horses and wranglers,
00:31:47and this is what we get.
00:31:48If there's anybody here
00:31:50that's control caused
00:31:51by these...
00:31:53Well, I'm gonna be goddamned.
00:31:56Magnums!
00:31:57I think I got the magnums in there.
00:31:59Listen,
00:32:00they may be...
00:32:01I'll shoot the living shit out of you.
00:32:07One of these days,
00:32:09I'm gonna knock him
00:32:10in the middle of next week.
00:32:12I'll slap the shit out of him
00:32:14and then slap him for shitting.
00:32:17Only eight...
00:32:18Only eight more minutes to go.
00:32:21Well, now, Burl,
00:32:22those boys will be along.
00:32:24You just gotta hang in there.
00:32:25I know them.
00:32:26Yeah, y'all gotta believe.
00:32:28I got to go to the...
00:32:30I got...
00:32:32Where's the John?
00:32:34You may not know it,
00:32:35but this country is out of gasoline.
00:32:37So here at Sitco,
00:32:39we think it takes a lot of balls
00:32:41to be trying to sell gas.
00:32:43Take our Nolad.
00:32:44You can't.
00:32:45We don't have any.
00:32:46We're that fucking regular, too.
00:32:48Shit, we're sorry.
00:32:49We could be making
00:32:50a buck a gallon off this stuff.
00:32:52So remember,
00:32:53this year,
00:32:54eight out of ten cars
00:32:55will not be able to get gasoline
00:32:57at Sitco.
00:32:58The wrong way to go.
00:33:00So, try a bike.
00:33:02Or,
00:33:02go fuck yourself.
00:33:05The club cab.
00:33:06With 34 extra cubes
00:33:08behind the front seat.
00:33:09And now,
00:33:11besides the extra room,
00:33:12you get a little extra class.
00:33:14A little extra comfort.
00:33:16Right here
00:33:16in the new club cab SE.
00:33:18The best motherfucking truck
00:33:20I ever owned.
00:33:21And that's no bullshit.
00:33:22And how about
00:33:23three cars in one?
00:33:24And I'm tired of it, Schwab.
00:33:26All day long,
00:33:26you sit on that truck
00:33:27like a big man.
00:33:29Well, I'm telling you,
00:33:29my own man's money's
00:33:30out of court.
00:33:31I don't need
00:33:32the goddamn job.
00:33:33And frankly,
00:33:34I don't want to hear
00:33:34your stories.
00:33:35And to learn
00:33:36I'm fed up with you too.
00:33:37All you do is
00:33:38eeeeee.
00:33:39All of you,
00:33:40hell with you.
00:33:40And you, hippie,
00:33:41with your cantaloupes.
00:33:43All of you.
00:33:43Yeah?
00:33:44Pfft.
00:33:51Shit.
00:33:56Couldn't happen again
00:33:57in a million years.
00:34:03The curtain's going up
00:34:05on another big surprise
00:34:06that's waiting for you
00:34:07right now
00:34:08at the Red Barn.
00:34:09And here it is.
00:34:14You know, Freddy,
00:34:15it's been a long 16 weeks,
00:34:17but I just want you
00:34:19to know,
00:34:19even though I've been
00:34:20a little tough on you,
00:34:21I really do like you.
00:34:22Oh, go fuck
00:34:24this little Charlie.
00:34:26Hey!
00:34:27Hey, you,
00:34:28hey, you green
00:34:30son of a bitch.
00:34:31I've been putting up
00:34:31with you.
00:34:32I've been showing you
00:34:33mercy.
00:34:33You're nothing
00:34:34but an old faggot.
00:34:36One,
00:34:37one stinking night
00:34:38you caught me
00:34:39with my cousin Arson
00:34:40and you got the guts
00:34:41to call me a faggot.
00:34:42Yeah,
00:34:43well,
00:34:43you've wanted me
00:34:44since the start
00:34:45of the series.
00:34:47Well,
00:34:47now that it's all
00:34:48out in the open,
00:34:49we might as well
00:34:49have a ball.
00:34:51How about two?
00:35:07One more, please.
00:35:10I get a question.
00:35:24Hey,
00:35:25would you tell Murray
00:35:26to Kay to cut that crap out?
00:35:28Hey,
00:35:29cut that crap out!
00:35:30Hey,
00:35:30Murray!
00:35:32Is that a question?
00:35:33He's Ann Davis.
00:35:34You guys are nothing
00:35:35We've got a bunch of British heroes at Presley's.
00:35:38He must be blind.
00:35:39Two, it's not two.
00:35:41We're going to Europe.
00:35:43Next week.
00:35:44Next week.
00:35:45And then we come back and we go off to America.
00:35:49And we do the telly.
00:35:52Oh, we do the Ed Sullivan.
00:35:53Good old Ed.
00:35:53Ed Sullivan.
00:35:54Hi, Ed.
00:35:56He's watching.
00:35:57He's watching in this one.
00:35:58Look.
00:35:59There he is.
00:35:59All right, Ed.
00:36:00Who's this, Ed?
00:36:02I'm Mr. Ed.
00:36:04Welcome to a young author from Liverpool.
00:36:07In fact, you are the first author from Liverpool I've ever seen.
00:36:10Great.
00:36:11But your first book sold in 350,000 copies and came out this year.
00:36:16Isn't that right?
00:36:17That's right.
00:36:19That's right.
00:36:19And tell me, you brought three of your friends.
00:36:22Could you please introduce yourself?
00:36:23Yes, there's George Parasol, Ringo Stone, and Palmer Charmley.
00:36:28And did they have anything to do with your book?
00:36:31Did they help you or did they hinder you in any way?
00:36:35No, they typed it out for me.
00:36:37That's right.
00:36:38I mean, they can spell and you...
00:36:40Oh, they spell very greatly.
00:36:41That's nice.
00:36:42By the way, I read a review about it in Times Literary Supplement, and then I read the book.
00:36:47And then I wonder, are you influenced by Thurber or James Joyce?
00:36:52None of them.
00:36:53James Stewart.
00:36:54James Stewart.
00:36:54James Stewart and Betty Grable.
00:36:56Yeah.
00:36:56Well, anyhow, I'm quite sure that our Swedish viewers would like to hear you read one of your poems.
00:37:04Right.
00:37:05Good job, Nigel.
00:37:09Half, half he goes a merry sight, our little hairy friend.
00:37:14Half, half upon the lamppost, Bryce.
00:37:16It's all like that.
00:37:16Half in round the bend.
00:37:22Yeah, what John Lennon says and what his friends say, it's all for those who can Liverpool speak.
00:37:29I want you to act.
00:37:32Lily lived in chicken belly just like everything.
00:37:37There's something in my eye.
00:37:40Hey, what are you doing?
00:37:42I'm the other one.
00:37:43We did it.
00:37:44We did it.
00:37:45Of course we did it because we learned how not to get out of here.
00:37:49Lily, once again.
00:37:50We learned.
00:37:52You'll find out in a minute.
00:37:55Well, while you're lickety-splitting, why don't you go and cash our last plate?
00:38:00Yeah.
00:38:03Okay.
00:38:04I want you to act well, Olivia.
00:38:07So, up there, Carmine.
00:38:09Oh, your girlfriend's looking for you.
00:38:11What's her name?
00:38:12The divorcee.
00:38:13Oh, Celia, that's right.
00:38:14I'm supposed to go over a house.
00:38:15I'm truthful.
00:38:16I'm surprised.
00:38:17And then you don't have to look at her.
00:38:19Don't worry.
00:38:21They know how to get along by themselves.
00:38:23I guess so.
00:38:24Remember the time that Cindy...
00:38:26Surely, early.
00:38:28Jerome, at dinner you mentioned nothing about this proviso number two.
00:38:33You can't let this riffraff run amok.
00:38:37She must prove she's guilty.
00:38:40If only to me.
00:38:41Shit.
00:38:42Jesus Christ.
00:38:44Okay.
00:38:46Shit.
00:38:47Okay.
00:38:47I'm from a broken home myself, though.
00:38:49Didn't hurt me none.
00:38:52Wrong line.
00:38:56You picking up on this?
00:38:58It's real subtle here.
00:38:59Oh, my old headache along.
00:39:01Look, the truck doesn't have to hit me.
00:39:02And it does.
00:39:03Wait a second.
00:39:04I'm only going to think I was waiting.
00:39:06Okay.
00:39:06Okay.
00:39:07I got it.
00:39:08Mm-hmm.
00:39:08I want you to act chicken.
00:39:11That's it?
00:39:12Well, you know, with a lily.
00:39:15I can't.
00:39:19Oh, I don't know.
00:39:20There's no card.
00:39:22There's no card?
00:39:23No.
00:39:23There's no card.
00:39:24Wait, there.
00:39:25I'm lying.
00:39:26I'm sorry.
00:39:28I'm telling you, Cheryl, come Monday.
00:39:30Stop it.
00:39:31Stop it.
00:39:32I'm sorry.
00:39:33I'm sorry.
00:39:33What do you want me to do?
00:39:34What do you want me to do?
00:39:35You want me to act yellow-bellied in lily liver?
00:39:37Yeah, that's it.
00:39:42You're married and squirted.
00:39:44Oh, shit.
00:39:47Lily.
00:39:48I've got my dignity, you know.
00:39:49Oh, I sure do.
00:39:52What the hell is the line?
00:39:54No, you were right.
00:39:55You were right.
00:39:55Yeah, but I don't know where to start.
00:39:59Yeah, if you want.
00:40:00Thank you, man.
00:40:01If you want, all right.
00:40:02Yeah, well, somebody's...
00:40:05Come on.
00:40:06You want to get a sulfur, or do you want to cock them around?
00:40:14I'm old.
00:40:15No.
00:40:16I'm old and I'm bald.
00:40:18We're suing that company.
00:40:19We're suing that company.
00:40:21We're suing...
00:40:21I can't remember who we're suing.
00:40:24My family will see to it that your name is known in every restaurant.
00:40:28Oh, shit.
00:40:31Okay, get that hot sauce in the head.
00:40:34A patta fungo.
00:40:38They're lopsided.
00:40:42You wasted my time.
00:40:44You sent me a lot of...
00:40:48False pretenses?
00:40:49Yes, yes.
00:40:51That is true.
00:40:52Come on, let's get out of here.
00:40:53Wipe the gook off your face.
00:40:55Oh, give me a play.
00:40:56Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:41:01I've been here said than done, Alan.
00:41:03How many times have you done this?
00:41:07I can't help it.
00:41:17I was hoping you'd say that, Carmine.
00:41:21Carmine, I want you to offer Squiggy a...
00:41:24Oh, shit.
00:41:27First, let's change the baby.
00:41:29Then we'll think of something.
00:41:31What?
00:41:32I don't know.
00:41:33Isn't it a new life?
00:41:36What happened there?
00:41:37Could you tell us?
00:41:38Oh, yes.
00:41:40I saw a woman friend have a mixmaster.
00:41:43And my husband told me...
00:41:45Mixmaster?
00:41:45Mixmaster, yes.
00:41:46You know those...
00:41:47You mean her husband?
00:41:48No, my friend had.
00:41:50Oh.
00:41:50A woman friend.
00:41:51Well, what do you mean?
00:41:52You mean her husband was confused?
00:41:54No, no, no.
00:41:55To make cakes.
00:41:56Oh, I thought you meant he was a mixmaster.
00:42:00Anyway, they called it the mixmaster.
00:42:01You put your business in there and it...
00:42:04You mean your hands in there, Victor?
00:42:06Let's flip, clip.
00:42:07Here we go.
00:42:20My husband, he said...
00:42:21I do think they're daddy-minded in France, huh?
00:42:23Yeah.
00:42:27He said, I'll make you one that will beat that any time.
00:42:30So he had the motor of an old vacuum cleaner.
00:42:32Would you mind starting over again?
00:42:36How did you meet your husband, Alma?
00:42:39Well, we had a picnic in...
00:42:41Well, I'm sure you did.
00:42:43So careful.
00:42:46But first, I'd like you to answer my question.
00:42:49How did you meet your husband?
00:42:51Well, we had a picnic and we were all proud of us.
00:42:54It was the same picnic you had a minute ago?
00:42:56Yeah, proud of us.
00:42:57You said you weren't loving for picnics, Alma.
00:42:59A crowd of us went out and I was...
00:43:01A crowd of you?
00:43:01I knew you were a group of us.
00:43:02I didn't know he was going to have a picnic in a crowd.
00:43:04A group of us went walking and crossing a creek on the...
00:43:09Well, where are you from, Joes?
00:43:11Oh, I came to Arkansas.
00:43:12Boy, we get familiar fast, huh?
00:43:13I was born in Arkansas.
00:43:14I beg your pardon?
00:43:15Would you mind throwing that out again?
00:43:16Oh, no.
00:43:17No.
00:43:20What have we here?
00:43:24What Marilyn Monroe is doing in this country.
00:43:26You shouldn't have been at all.
00:43:29I was born in a little shack in Arkansas.
00:43:31At ease.
00:43:34I guess it's impossible, huh?
00:43:48You know, you remind me of a trumpet player he used to blow.
00:43:54Newsmen were questioning Miss Bryant about her national crusade against gay persons
00:43:58when four self-proclaimed homosexuals from Minneapolis interrupted today's proceedings.
00:44:03If we were going to go on a crusade across the nation and try to do away with the homosexuals,
00:44:08then we certainly would have done it on June the 8th after one of the most overwhelming victories in the
00:44:12country.
00:44:14But we didn't.
00:44:15We tried to avoid it and went into a place called Norfolk, Virginia,
00:44:19and were met with protests and all kinds of problems.
00:44:25And every...
00:44:26Oh!
00:44:28You're shooting again?
00:44:29You're shooting again?
00:44:29No, but let him stay.
00:44:31Let him stay.
00:44:31Well, at least it's a fruit pie.
00:44:33You give the award and you do it into the microphone.
00:44:36Mrs. Anderson, please...
00:44:41Mary Anderson,
00:44:44my pleasure
00:44:45to present you with a Chris Award.
00:44:51Then you did see the good in him.
00:44:59I saw...
00:45:01I don't know what I saw because I'm up.
00:45:06Excuse me, ma'am.
00:45:07God!
00:45:09It's Elizabeth Taylor!
00:45:11No!
00:45:16You should have let me yesterday.
00:45:18Ladies and gentlemen,
00:45:22Mrs. Nikos Kassadal.
00:45:39I have seen General Hospital and the university,
00:45:49and I approve.
00:45:51As my husband would have approved,
00:45:54Misa...
00:45:55Migos Kassad...
00:45:56I'm sorry.
00:45:59As my husband would have approved,
00:46:02Migos Kassadine
00:46:03had a deep,
00:46:05abiding love.
00:46:07I said Kassadine.
00:46:08That's right.
00:46:09Oh, shit!
00:46:12Right!
00:46:13Right!
00:46:20I'm sorry, folks.
00:46:22I'm not used to acting.
00:46:24I am here to prove that the name of Migos Kassadine...
00:46:30You're on a roll.
00:46:31Keep going, all right?
00:46:33I...
00:46:33I didn't say it right.
00:46:35You did, too.
00:46:38I did.
00:46:39Let's put all right here.
00:46:41I'm sorry!
00:46:44Mrs. Nikos Kassadine.
00:46:46Dr. Weber!
00:46:47The father of the bride-to-be.
00:46:50Yes, that's right.
00:46:52Please convey my regrets to your wife.
00:46:55I was indisposed when she tried to read me in a grease.
00:46:59I screwed up.
00:47:00I'm just wondering.
00:47:02What am I doing here?
00:47:04It's the Soupy Sale Show,
00:47:07starring Soupy Sale.
00:47:09And, uh, you do that.
00:47:10I love you.
00:47:10You give me a kiss.
00:47:11Be careful.
00:47:13Ah!
00:47:14Ah!
00:47:15That's all right.
00:47:15Ah!
00:47:17Oh, yeah!
00:47:18Yeah!
00:47:19Yeah!
00:47:20My God!
00:47:21Yeah!
00:47:23Yeah!
00:47:36Oh, yeah!
00:47:38Anyway, uh,
00:47:45Well, all I know is that music was planned.
00:47:51Ah!
00:47:51Oh, yeah!
00:47:57You get out of here.
00:47:59Yes, honey.
00:48:00And, uh, no, right now,
00:48:03let's have a couple of commercials.
00:48:05Oh, wreck!
00:48:07I am a wreck!
00:48:07Why are you so excited for me?
00:48:09Oh, I've got my interview today.
00:48:10Where did I leave my eyelashes?
00:48:12You'll feel a lot cooler if you just use some Johnson's powder, baby powder.
00:48:15Why did I cut my hair?
00:48:17I look like a squirrel.
00:48:18Oh, am I?
00:48:19I have no idea, but you'll feel a lot better if you just use some baby powder.
00:48:23Well, if it's going to be one of those days when you need to keep a little cooler, a little
00:48:27drier, and a lot more comfortable, use pure Johnson's baby powder.
00:48:30Oh, my baby!
00:48:32Oh, boy!
00:48:32Do I need death!
00:48:33Um, um, um, um...
00:48:36Yes!
00:48:38Hi, there!
00:48:39Ralph Freeby here, your incredibly naive used car salesman.
00:48:42Once again, I'm happy to report that we are now running our one-time-only sale.
00:48:47That's right, today only and for the rest of the year.
00:48:50You can come in and buy any car on this lot for the exact amount of money we paid for
00:48:54it.
00:48:54Now, you can't do much better than that, can you?
00:48:57I know what you're thinking.
00:48:58You're asking yourself, how in the world does Ralph do it?
00:49:01Well, you're in luck because here comes a customer now and you can see for yourself.
00:49:05Excuse me, sir. I was just watching you on television.
00:49:07I took a helicopter right over here.
00:49:09I'd like to buy this car right here, please.
00:49:10All right, sir. That'll be $695.
00:49:13Oh, fine, sir. I have it right here. There it is.
00:49:15Okay.
00:49:15Fine.
00:49:16And here is your car.
00:49:19You, you, you, you've got to be kidding me.
00:49:21This is a, this is a cardboard car.
00:49:23I don't want this. I want my money back. That's ridiculous.
00:49:26This, too, I want back.
00:49:29Can't you talk when a man ad-libs?
00:49:31Uh, pardon me, sir. Are you a nudist?
00:49:39No, I'm a fig tree waiting for a bus that went bad.
00:49:42Get out of here.
00:49:43Oh, then you are a nudist.
00:49:44Yes, I'm a nudist.
00:49:45Brilliant. You must be a regular rocket scientist.
00:49:47Tell me, how does one become a nudist?
00:49:49Well, it helps if you take your clothes off first.
00:49:51Yeah.
00:49:52Well, let me ask you this, sir.
00:49:53How long have you been a nudist?
00:49:55Since my wife divorced me in California and your wife gets everything, you screwed up the lines.
00:49:59Get the hell out of here.
00:50:00Who screwed up the lines?
00:50:01My lines were perfect.
00:50:02Because I feel you're standing right on top of me and I'm in the noon.
00:50:05Well, play it. Why can't you play it?
00:50:06Play it like you're in the noon and you're embarrassed.
00:50:09Can't you play it?
00:50:10You've only got one dimension to you?
00:50:11Play it.
00:50:12I'll dimension you.
00:50:14I'll make it such a dimension your wife will go,
00:50:16My God, it's an orangutan.
00:50:20Get the colored guy off the set.
00:50:23Unless there's any cleaning to be done.
00:50:27Mommy.
00:50:33What happened?
00:50:34Well, they're rehearsing a Keystone comedy in the next studio and one of the pies got loose.
00:50:38Well, we've got to go away, right away.
00:50:39Well, shouldn't I take some of this chocolate off his face?
00:50:41We don't have time to take the chocolate off his face.
00:50:47We're on the budget now.
00:50:48Give me a break.
00:50:51For your listening and dancing pleasure,
00:50:54we present the complete and unadulterated
00:50:57Rowan and Martin Latin.
00:51:00I've never tackled a girl in my life.
00:51:02What are you, some kind of pervert?
00:51:05I happen to be a complete heterosexual.
00:51:18I've always enjoyed you very much,
00:51:19and I just like to shake you by the hand.
00:51:22Warden.
00:51:24You touch me,
00:51:25and I'll hit you right in the eye out.
00:51:29Warden, I'm not going out of luck.
00:51:32You lay a hand on me,
00:51:34and I'll call the police.
00:51:37Come on, come on, hurry up.
00:51:39Well, if you don't like our service,
00:51:41you can take your...
00:51:43Come on, come on, hurry up.
00:51:45Well, if you don't like our business,
00:51:48you can...
00:51:57Come on, come on, hurry up.
00:52:05New in town, sailor?
00:52:13I'm a little boy lost.
00:52:15I haven't walked in the streets
00:52:16for a day.
00:52:18Oh, I know how you feel, kid.
00:52:23Oh.
00:52:26Well, I'll be a kind of a fit.
00:52:29What is it, old man?
00:52:31Are you looking for men who...
00:52:41Come on, come on, come on.
00:52:43Let's go while we're loose.
00:52:44Well, maybe just shut up, George.
00:52:46Yeah.
00:52:47Don't zing and read the lines.
00:52:49Here we go.
00:52:49Why don't you come with a candle on your ass?
00:52:50All right.
00:52:53Well, you have to do the phony walk.
00:52:54Walk over here.
00:52:55Get out of here.
00:52:55Where do you want out?
00:52:56Sit there and do your job.
00:52:58You have to do the phony walk.
00:52:59Let's take out of here.
00:53:01I'll tell you what.
00:53:01You walk in and I'll sit.
00:53:04Ain't the vibe we get it done that way.
00:53:06Get over there.
00:53:07Old Jew with polio.
00:53:09What is it, old man?
00:53:10Are you looking for men who can march for days
00:53:13without food from water?
00:53:15Yes.
00:53:16And who can shoot and stab and kill and murder and hurt?
00:53:21Yes, we are.
00:53:22I just wanted to know because I screwed it up.
00:53:25Let's do it.
00:53:43What are you doing?
00:53:47What are you snickering at, kid?
00:53:49I'm a fucking soldier, not an actor.
00:53:52That's an either-or situation.
00:53:55All right, I'm a goddamn general, not an actor.
00:53:57Get him up there again.
00:54:07Why are we out of here?
00:54:10Can I take that again?
00:54:28Oh, really?
00:54:29You, you.
00:54:31And then we react to each other?
00:54:32That's right.
00:54:33No, I drop my pants and you throw yourself in the air.
00:54:36At the end of this, are they going to hear the sound?
00:54:40Oh!
00:54:41I got you.
00:54:44All I got a chauffeur is a pre-recorded Dick Martin yelling,
00:54:48put it on, put it on.
00:54:51Some days it just doesn't pay to blow up your balloons.
00:54:54Shit.
00:54:56For twice a time of clock.
00:54:59The plant just passed wind.
00:55:04Bob Hope is up dead.
00:55:07There.
00:55:09There.
00:55:09Catch him.
00:55:19The population explosion may lead to crowded Cleveland, but you know, as it said.
00:55:26Ow.
00:55:27Dammit.
00:55:30What'd you do, Shaq?
00:55:32I bumped my little head.
00:55:33Did you hear about Mickey Rooney?
00:55:36No.
00:55:37What happened?
00:55:39Oh.
00:55:39What happened?
00:55:40I didn't hear about Mickey Rooney, but, uh, uh, uh, oh, uh, what happened?
00:55:44Well, he walked into a rock.
00:55:46And then what happened?
00:55:47After that, he fell down.
00:55:48Oh, okay.
00:55:48He's a little guy.
00:55:49Nowadays, when people are in show business and they get big, they want to go into show business.
00:55:55Well, Henry, where do you want to be?
00:55:58Do you want to start that again?
00:55:59Do you want to start that again?
00:56:00No.
00:56:01What would you do if you were in an airplane and the wings caught fire and the engines fell off
00:56:05and you were losing altitude?
00:56:06Listen, I just shit.
00:56:11Dick and Dan, hmmm, Paul Keys, hmmm, George Slaughter, yeah, it's friendly, you don't get amused by it because he
00:56:24shows up once in a while for lunch, so you're not going to be that thrilled.
00:56:28The rest of the writers I don't know because all white people look alike, so I'm not that thrilled about
00:56:35him.
00:56:35But I just came to say this, if they want me to do this show again, they can kiss my
00:56:43ass.
00:56:46I don't know how to do this, but this is not supposed to be because I don't know what to
00:56:51do.
00:56:54Now, this is definitely easier.
00:56:56Can I have another student again?
00:56:59All right.
00:57:00This is awfully low.
00:57:01I'm sorry.
00:57:04I can't train this guy.
00:57:05I have to sit like this.
00:57:06I can't have a coffee.
00:57:20Oh, that's right.
00:57:24Oh, I know.
00:57:24Oh, I can't take my juice off.
00:57:29Maybe I can stand up.
00:57:30It's more up.
00:57:32Well, I'm sorry.
00:57:33Yeah, it's my own, no.
00:57:40Sure.
00:57:47See you on the piano space, eh?
00:57:50All right.
00:57:55I want to go.
00:58:16he's telling me my lines is only he's mumbling all through the thing
00:58:26george hamilton was busy i'm sorry are you finished you don't know help me
00:58:38we're here together right come out here with no guitar when we're set okay i'll give you a cue and
00:58:44then you take about three weeks come out here you're on your own no guitars what no
00:58:58all right wait a minute there do you want the foot boy connect
00:59:22okay you really need me
00:59:24man what do you mean say what do you mean oh what do you mean
00:59:34are you rolling
00:59:36what do you mean
00:59:45you know folks i first met peter lawford in london where i was
00:59:52oh i should say i'm correct in their english
00:59:58when i was over there when i was there
01:00:04i was there
01:00:06all right now let's get on with our exciting show
01:00:10and bring out a very lovely star who doesn't require any medication
01:00:21well it's better than the line i got ladies and gentlemen we now pause for a station break
01:00:27which gives me all the stations that homage oh my god
01:00:32uh this is a season to be uh sure it is
01:00:39this is a season to be jolly but some people just don't know that the season is over we look
01:00:44now at
01:00:44the first man at the last man
01:00:52can you fix that can you fix it
01:00:55mm-hmm i can change it all right now with the snap of my hand go ahead
01:01:05well we can dream at least yeah i can do better than that oh what's she gonna do this time
01:01:13they say he was colorful figure in his plaid skirt uh can we start it again
01:01:28yes
01:01:28dig lola falana lola final cut
01:01:32has any of you fellas flown any uh are any of you fellas here we go again one
01:01:36i kiss us his impression tonight he gives us his impression oh sure
01:01:43why you this is a slave
01:01:48king touch in better shape king tis king touch
01:01:51king touch a better shape you are and he's been dead for 40 years
01:02:03i wouldn't say that you royal nastiness feel this muckle
01:02:08wait a minute it's over feel right there feel it how's that for a muscle
01:02:12feels like a ward on a rubber band oh come on stick out your tongue i do not do windows
01:02:25how do you fix your mirrors
01:02:29um over here oh
01:02:35stick out your tongue honey
01:02:38come on
01:02:42oh
01:02:42oh kiss me
01:02:43no not here here here there there
01:02:50stick it up
01:02:51further further
01:02:56i know him
01:02:58i know him
01:03:08oh
01:03:08oh
01:03:11time like that and all of us do is hump
01:03:18i'm sorry
01:03:24i'm sorry
01:03:25boy am i sorry
01:03:29oh
01:03:30oh you see something like that and it makes you wonder if father duffy isn't full of
01:03:38shit
01:03:39please to make your acquaintance i'm mrs wiggins and i'm here to seek employment
01:03:45uh i don't think
01:03:47ernie
01:03:49possibly
01:03:50i assume you want to see my resume
01:03:56you know
01:03:56yeah well i
01:03:57please thank you
01:03:58give you the courtesy of looking at this
01:04:01hmm
01:04:03well you're uh
01:04:09my name there
01:04:10oh yeah
01:04:11out here in the corner
01:04:13that's uh
01:04:13wanda wiggins
01:04:15wanda wiggins
01:04:16all right
01:04:16i used to work for father duffy
01:04:33and i realized he was full of
01:04:45shit
01:04:45that's
01:04:48that's
01:04:51that's
01:05:14what
01:05:33I pay you $24 on a handful of beads.
01:05:36Hey, now, wait a minute. You're out of line.
01:05:38Seem fair to me. You people buy entire island of Manhattan for same price.
01:05:43Ah, it was a lousy deal, Chief.
01:05:44In a hundred years, they won't get a nickel for the place.
01:05:47No, white man, very smart about real estate.
01:05:50Remember when you first come here?
01:05:54This one's entire Cowie territory.
01:05:58Then you make treaty, we divide land.
01:06:03Holy Jesus Christ.
01:06:05Well, Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporate Legan reporting, sir.
01:06:08Oh, at ease, man, at ease.
01:06:10I've, uh, called you in because I'd like to discuss this business of this...
01:06:14I'm fine, I'm fine.
01:06:16I have to get that loose board fixed.
01:06:19I'll get Private Duffy on it this afternoon, sir.
01:06:21Yes, you do that.
01:06:22Thank you, thank you.
01:06:23Uh, you were saying, sir.
01:06:29Kenny.
01:06:30Uh, just a little higher, Duffy.
01:06:31We want to make sure those horns are not at pants level.
01:06:33I know what you mean, sir.
01:06:36Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporate Legan reporting.
01:06:38At ease, at ease.
01:06:39You can just put those down, Duffy.
01:06:41Yes, sir.
01:06:41Now, it has come to my attention that you men are not talking to each other.
01:06:47Now, what seems to be the problem?
01:06:49Who'd tell you a thing like that, sir?
01:06:50I told the captain.
01:06:52You've got a loud bugle and a mouth to match.
01:06:55You can't talk to me like that, Agarn.
01:06:56He can talk to you any way he wants to.
01:06:58Now, now, wait a minute, man.
01:06:59The minute you hear something, you go running right to the captain.
01:07:01Well, I just think it's stupid for two friends not to be talking.
01:07:04Who are you calling stupid?
01:07:05Well, I'll tell you one thing.
01:07:07I may be stupid, but I'm smart enough never to talk to you again.
01:07:10Yes, and that goes for me, too.
01:07:12Now, gentlemen, gentlemen, listen.
01:07:13We can't have non-commissioned officers not talking to each other and not talking to the men under them.
01:07:18Now, look, Agarn, no soldier ever has a good enough reason not to talk to his buddy.
01:07:23Captain Parmenter?
01:07:25Yes, Corporal?
01:07:26Would you tell Private Duffy that I just found a good reason never to speak to him again?
01:07:31I'm still talking to you, Duffy.
01:07:34Well, I ain't talking to no man who comes running through the captain over a little thing like this.
01:07:38It's not such a little thing, either.
01:07:44Good morning, Alrod.
01:07:46Good morning, sir.
01:07:47Sure, they've arrived.
01:07:48And by gig, they're afraid to even get on PT-13.
01:07:53I told you Alrod, this is my finest hour.
01:07:56Is the radio message ready?
01:07:58We've got to work fast before McHale gets back.
01:08:01There they are.
01:08:02Count down outside.
01:08:03Don't worry.
01:08:08Oh, for sure.
01:08:09You've got to work fast after you.
01:08:12Including your heads of...
01:08:14Including your heads of chunks?
01:08:16I've found out.
01:08:18Don't you?
01:08:18That's what I mean, huh?
01:08:19Oh, well, if you want my opinion.
01:08:21I don't want your opinion, you horse's ass!
01:08:25Now, McHale, you and I both know that you collect the biggest bunch of shit.
01:08:33Schweinehund.
01:08:35Schweinehund, Lieutenant Schweinehund.
01:08:36Parker here, glad to know you.
01:08:38I'm sorry we couldn't meet on the more favorable list.
01:08:39What's the matter with that?
01:08:41That's not his name.
01:08:42He just called you a dirty dog.
01:08:43And he's right.
01:08:46You better watch that language, Max.
01:08:47You're not messing around with kids.
01:08:48I got the Japanese fuel bars.
01:08:50The Nips is crawling the beaches.
01:08:55We're gathered here to put these two together.
01:08:58And some other stuff.
01:09:00Yeah, yeah.
01:09:03Hmm, that was a good year for that, Chef, wasn't it?
01:09:10Well, we better get back to the asterisk.
01:09:12It's time to greet the mothers of the BP-73.
01:09:15Oh, those mothers.
01:09:19The fly's open.
01:09:21Ow!
01:09:24Right now?
01:09:25Boca Raton.
01:09:26Here's Johnny.
01:09:26And here we are sitting here doing this.
01:09:28Here we are trying to do our work.
01:09:29No, we're delighted to have your expanded schedule on the tonight's show.
01:09:33And we look forward to continued increasing success with the Vic Chemical Company.
01:09:37And, Ed, I heard some news today that I found rather fascinating.
01:09:40I understand that the Vic's people have come up with a new toiletry product that they're pretty excited about.
01:09:46I haven't heard much about it.
01:09:47What is it?
01:09:47Well, it's called Dismiss.
01:09:50Dismiss?
01:09:51Yes.
01:09:51What is that?
01:09:52It's a feminine hygiene product.
01:09:53Holy crap.
01:09:56You're putting me on.
01:09:57No, no.
01:09:58Dismiss.
01:09:58Dismiss.
01:09:58It'll be advertised on our show.
01:10:00How about Vegigo?
01:10:02That's not a bad name for it.
01:10:04Yes, yes.
01:10:04Along with an other line.
01:10:06How about Cunt Away?
01:10:08Someone else has that.
01:10:10Ah.
01:10:10Sterling Drugs.
01:10:11How about Fuck Off?
01:10:13Possibly.
01:10:14Yes, I like that.
01:10:15I like Formula 44, NyQuil, Sanex, Victors and Lavoris.
01:10:19All the other fine products along with Dismiss.
01:10:20Ah, Fuck Off would be a bummer.
01:10:23Is there going to be a live commercial?
01:10:24I was wondering if you'd like to tell me.
01:10:26I certainly would.
01:10:27With strawberries and lemons, I pass a fruit stand, you get a horny now.
01:10:32Good sales.
01:10:33Anyway, welcome back again.
01:10:34Jesus Christ.
01:10:36So embarrassed to do this.
01:10:38Dismiss.
01:10:38Oh.
01:10:41So embarrassed.
01:10:56Very good.
01:10:59Let them pass.
01:11:02And Captain, you're in good hands with trouble.
01:11:07Listen, that bacon is really bad.
01:11:10No, no kidding.
01:11:10It just stays with you.
01:11:11To the whole chiffon there is.
01:11:23Son, once again?
01:11:43Listen about that bacon.
01:11:44No, really.
01:11:45Save it, please.
01:11:47Listen, son, I told you.
01:11:48You wanted the show business?
01:11:49God damn it, you got it.
01:11:51Have to stay here after hours, be on golden hours and coal.
01:11:54Come back.
01:11:59Lieutenant, notify Starfleet as to our...
01:12:05Go.
01:12:08Lieutenant, notify...
01:12:10Enterprise calling Starbase 6.
01:12:12Come in, Starbase 6.
01:12:14Starbase 6, yes!
01:12:16Hi, y'all, sugar.
01:12:28Bob.
01:12:29Bob, don't cut.
01:12:30Don't cut.
01:12:31Bob Justin, I'm going home.
01:12:33I'm going to spend three hours on the makeup table,
01:12:35putting this f***ing makeup back on,
01:12:37and it's yucca!
01:12:41Spock to Enterprise.
01:12:44Spock to Enterprise.
01:12:46Come in, Enterprise.
01:12:47Enterprise, Lieutenant Auverg.
01:12:491, 2, 3, 5, 5, 3, 4, 5, 5, 7, 5, 0,0,0,0.
01:12:55This here is the heater, boss.
01:12:58I don't know what this thing is.
01:12:59F***, up here.
01:13:01You're going to go.
01:13:02You're going to go.
01:13:05I'm going to go.
01:13:07You're going to go.
01:13:16Agh!
01:13:18You're going to go.
01:13:19I'm going to go.
01:13:19You're going to go.
01:13:19I'm going to go.
01:13:21If they refuse to move out on cue, screw them.
01:13:26Save it, please.
01:13:28Second mark.
01:13:31Have no fear.
01:13:33Sarkhan is here.
01:13:36I want you to know in the rushes, I am doing this shot under protest.
01:13:42You have to do it again.
01:13:45Don't anybody move.
01:13:49Kill him.
01:13:54Stand back.
01:13:58I don't know about you, but this is not the way it is.
01:14:02I want to know.
01:14:08Logan.
01:14:11Unless you veer off, I shall blow my brains out.
01:14:21Jim.
01:14:23I'm fine, Logan.
01:14:25Are you all right?
01:14:28Let's try it again.
01:14:38Save it, please.
01:14:42Hurry.
01:14:44Hurry.
01:14:46I thought you were going to kill my...
01:14:48Save it, Frank.
01:14:51I think you're fine.
01:14:55Then hold your position.
01:14:57We're locked onto your coordinates.
01:14:59We are prepared to beam you aboard.
01:15:01Captain.
01:15:02You forgot all about the environment and all that stuff.
01:15:05Do you want to really do that?
01:15:08Save it.
01:15:09Come on.
01:15:18Mistake for self-destruct in 5 seconds.
01:15:23Drive.
01:15:23Drive.
01:15:25Drive.
01:15:27Drive.
01:15:32gedaan.
01:15:32Drive.
01:15:34Give.
01:15:34Wake.
01:15:38Grab.