- 1 week ago
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00:00:26My name is Rene Pena.
00:00:28I am Mexican-American, southern gentleman, born and raised in the great state of Texas.
00:00:41I'm a fighter because I was born into it.
00:00:47What I'm asking is respect me, Dan.
00:00:50I do respect you.
00:00:51Respect me.
00:00:51But I can understand.
00:00:52Know that I'm not a girl and I don't want to be called a girl.
00:00:59I'm an American girl, voted for Trump, spent 15 years in Nashville, and now I live in
00:01:08Kentucky.
00:01:10I gave up the first 30 years of my life to be what everyone else wanted me to be, and
00:01:17now I have to be who I am.
00:01:22When you make this transition, you make it because this is what you feel is going to
00:01:27make you a whole person.
00:01:29This is a surgical consent, and what I'm operating for is gender dysphoria.
00:01:36The day you have this surgery is the day I bury my son, James Edward Alderson.
00:01:46My family will have nothing to do with me.
00:01:48My friends' last words to me were that I was just a faggot.
00:01:52I'm not sure if I'll ever have someone close to me again.
00:01:58The first 32 years of my life was all about making my body match my mind.
00:02:04Even if it's for 30 seconds, I'm going to know what it feels like to be home.
00:02:09When you go in that room, you're not coming back the way you left.
00:02:14I just want to tell the daughter part goodbye.
00:02:36I have evolved as a man.
00:02:38I have grown as a man.
00:02:40I am a man plain and simple.
00:02:46I'm not a trans woman.
00:02:47I'm not going to ever be a trans woman.
00:02:49I've transitioned to be a woman, and that's a beautiful thing.
00:03:24I want to introduce Rene Pena.
00:03:26He is new to the Dallas area, and he's a trans man, and he wanted to come and meet our
00:03:31group
00:03:32and just talk about some of his experiences.
00:03:35So y'all welcome him.
00:03:38Thank you guys for having me.
00:03:40I grew up in Texas, and I started living as who I was on the inside when I was 11.
00:03:47Everywhere I'd go, my mom and my brother and my sister would make my life a living hell.
00:03:52I didn't grow up with the luxury of parents that loved me and backed who I was.
00:04:00But I'm a spitfire, and I don't take shit from anybody, and I never have.
00:04:04And I've been in over 400 fistfights in my life.
00:04:08Thinking about where we were 10 years ago on LGBT issues and where we are today,
00:04:12we have people who still try to conflate the trans community with sexual predators,
00:04:18and you hear all those narratives on a regular basis.
00:04:21They're trying to discriminate against some of our most vulnerable populations.
00:04:26When this mom told me that she was really happy that she had a live son and not a dead
00:04:32daughter,
00:04:32that made me cry.
00:04:34It was really moving for me.
00:04:35It was impactful.
00:04:37So I'd love to hear from the students about how you all are figuring it out at school.
00:04:43I'm afraid to, like sometimes I don't always feel like I pass.
00:04:49So when I'm out in public, like I don't go to the bathroom,
00:04:53or I don't, you know, go somewhere that's, you know, gonna make people look at me.
00:05:01At some point in your life you're gonna get to a place where you understand you can't live your life
00:05:08for people.
00:05:09You can only live your life for you.
00:05:11So it doesn't matter what they think about who you are.
00:05:16It matters what you think about who you are.
00:05:20When I first started in high school, I was not allowed to use any restrooms, excluding the nurse's office.
00:05:26And it just led to a lot more issues.
00:05:28Now that like I'm halfway through my sophomore year, I actually have permission to use the men's restroom.
00:05:32I haven't really faced much bullying because most people just like don't even think that I'm a trans guy.
00:05:38So that's also been helpful to like less threats against my life, you know?
00:05:42Right.
00:05:43Always beneficial.
00:05:45Are you going to go to the Texas State Legislature?
00:05:49We're going there to speak to legislatures about SB6, which is, I call BS6, which is a so-called bathroom
00:05:58bill or women's protection bill.
00:05:59If you were to go there and they see they would be literally forcing a man to use a woman's
00:06:06restroom.
00:06:07What's your name?
00:06:07My name's Chris.
00:06:08Chris, I'm Renee.
00:06:09Nice to meet you.
00:06:10Nice to meet you.
00:06:11I've not been an advocate really for anything except for myself.
00:06:15I never have been until this last week when I went to a gay rally with my son, so.
00:06:21My son is male, trans, and gay.
00:06:26And you know, as a parent at first you're thinking, wow, can it get any more complicated than that?
00:06:29But it's like, you know, whatever you are, I love you no matter what.
00:06:35This is, we call this our tribe.
00:06:36And since I've joined this group, I've never felt a part of anything like this.
00:06:42Stop it.
00:06:43I'm sorry.
00:06:44I can't help you.
00:06:45Seriously.
00:06:46Stop talking.
00:06:47Stop talking.
00:06:47These guys are the best people ever.
00:06:49They're the best people ever.
00:06:54Renee, man.
00:06:55Good to meet you.
00:06:56Keep fighting a good fight.
00:06:58Garrett.
00:06:58Garrett.
00:06:59Nice to meet you, Garrett.
00:07:00I'm Renee.
00:07:00What's your name?
00:07:01Alex.
00:07:01Alex.
00:07:02Nice to meet you.
00:07:06Okay.
00:07:11So what did you think?
00:07:13How do you feel?
00:07:14Got a lot of, a lot of mixed emotions.
00:07:18I've never really been part of anything like that.
00:07:21These kids have, you know, parents that stick up for them and parents that help them, like, get through this
00:07:31part of life because it's pretty rough.
00:07:41They think you're a freak and they think you're this and they think you're that.
00:07:44And how do you explain to them, I'm not a freak.
00:07:46I'm a normal man with a normal man's feelings.
00:07:51You can never know what it feels like to live your entire life being one thing on the outside and
00:07:57another thing on the inside and how much you fucking hate it because you can't change it.
00:08:04Me and Renee had some go arounds and I think I was hard on Renee because I was trying to
00:08:09cope with Renee's situation.
00:08:15I was a single mom.
00:08:17I worked jobs 14 hours a day.
00:08:25Renee never knew his biological dad.
00:08:31I was Renee's mama and daddy, grandma and grandpa.
00:08:34I was his whole family.
00:08:37Until he met Juana and then he left me.
00:08:45So y'all have kids?
00:08:46We have two boys.
00:08:48One's two and one's three.
00:08:51We've had them for the last year.
00:08:53But they are our boys and they know that she's mama and they know that I'm papa.
00:08:57Is that okay for you?
00:08:59What?
00:09:01Adopting and not having natural childbirth and never having to go.
00:09:07Oh, I'm sorry.
00:09:08No, it's not okay for her.
00:09:09That's one of her being.
00:09:10One of the rest.
00:09:11Yes.
00:09:13Part of the reason they split up was because Juana wanted to have children.
00:09:18And the way Renee was born, there was no way there was going to be any children.
00:09:22Not with Renee.
00:09:24So I'm just letting you know that I don't know what's going to happen between now and then as far
00:09:28as your anger and how you feel.
00:09:30Well, nothing's going to happen Juana. Nothing's going to happen.
00:09:33I'm going to be around people that even if their love is only fake, at least it feels like love.
00:09:49Losing Juana in my family was the hardest thing I ever went through.
00:09:53I will love that woman till the day that I die.
00:10:05I really believe that there would be no one else in the world that I would desire, like Renee, if
00:10:10he was born with a natural penis.
00:10:12But he wasn't.
00:10:16Just like he wants that intimacy between me and him, I want it too.
00:10:21I would love to have been able to have the kind of sex with him that a man and a
00:10:27woman are supposed to have.
00:10:35And I'm a hell of a lot more man than a lot of the men you're going to meet in
00:10:39your lifetime.
00:10:42Because a man ain't found in the measure of his dick. He's found in the measure of his heart.
00:10:48It was the darkest moment of my life.
00:10:55But you know what? Here I am 15 years later, I made it through it and I'm a hell of
00:10:59a lot stronger than I ever was.
00:11:00The Black Lives Matter
00:11:01The Black Lives Matter
00:11:08The Black Lives Matter
00:11:30all right welcome everybody we're very excited here today to have two women as our guest jimmy
00:11:36alters who is the subject of a previous showtime documentary called the opposite sex and maddie
00:11:42dalton an 18 year old senior the first question is about your process of realizing who you were
00:11:49i probably started identifying as transgender not long after i learned what being trans was
00:11:56and that would have been in eighth grade i just like learned the word on the internet
00:12:02i knew when i came out that i would be coming out into a really supportive family so i knew
00:12:08i would
00:12:08have a pretty big safety net when i came out i'd already been married for 25 years
00:12:15i had a 12 year old daughter at the time like you i searched the internet and i knew i
00:12:21was different
00:12:22and of course in the early 90s and and even before that you you just didn't do this i'm much
00:12:32more
00:12:32cautious about telling anyone about me i've lost jobs over it i gave up a three hundred thousand
00:12:40dollar home i walked away from it it seems like i end up having to move every time certain people
00:12:48find out i'm i live in a very different time and i've sacrificed almost nothing
00:12:56how do you feel about uh intersectionality intersectionality is vital for our movement
00:13:02if it's all just a bunch of white trans women then we're not going to get anywhere
00:13:07you have to really amplify the voices of people with intersectional identities
00:13:13i have no clue what you're even talking if maddie wants to go to every protest across the country
00:13:21i'm with you i'm for you you go do that me i'd much rather go home and plant tomatoes and
00:13:27watch
00:13:28them grow or something my identities intersect with straight white male really not being oppressed
00:13:35and i see what happens to you all i see it in the media but i think this is the
00:13:40first time really
00:13:41hearing it and it's really eye-opening and i'm really sorry for you very glad that i could be here
00:13:46to
00:13:47experience this thank you for being here
00:13:57there has always been an unreachable part of you but all of our married life i always thought it was
00:14:04me
00:14:06that i wasn't good enough why in hell did you marry my daughter why in the world would you do
00:14:16that to someone
00:14:20when i found out how jamie felt about herself i just got numb she wanted to be a woman she
00:14:29wanted
00:14:29to taste other things that she had missed we've never discussed dating but you've got a lot of
00:14:35good friends and you meet at night and that's not our scene we're busy with school we're busy with
00:14:40early to bed early to rise i couldn't walk that walk with her one i was a mom two that
00:14:48was a lifestyle
00:14:50that i i couldn't accept
00:15:05my current relationship with brenda is what it should be for divorced people
00:15:11if there's something to be talked about regarding our daughter we talk and if not we go on with our
00:15:17lives she's moved on and so have i
00:15:28i know it hi sweetheart it's a little early huh hi come on shania you're over here
00:15:37there was a lot of hurt jim had told other people
00:15:42people around me that knew and i didn't know jim had made the decision on his own to start hormone
00:15:51treatments hello girl huh that to me was a slap in the face it was a trust issue you know
00:16:0024 years of
00:16:01marriage i wish jim jim could have come to me first
00:16:18jim was kind of driven he'd had it in his heart in his mind what he wanted and i was
00:16:24either there
00:16:24to support him or not jim always thought he was right and our daughter's a little like that too
00:16:35sam was 11 when all of this happened six months into this whole process for jamie
00:16:41sam came up and said so mom when is dad changing back i had to explain to her that daddy
00:16:52kind of
00:16:53liked you know what was happening and felt more like herself felt that she was going to stay
00:17:00as a woman and sam never said another word about it but it was real hard for her
00:17:08her jim wasn't there to see a lot of her growing up as a youngster he missed a lot
00:17:22i have regrets about how my relationship with my daughter and brenda
00:17:29ended up being more strange than i wanted it to be
00:17:34when sam was young we would go to daddy-daughter dances and stuff and i still see those pictures and
00:17:43think about those times
00:17:47her mom has done an amazing job with her
00:17:50i hope that somewhere in there i had a little piece of that
00:17:55much smaller than brenda's but hopefully a little bit
00:18:02not sure if i have found peace with it all
00:18:05or big i haven't gone on in some ways
00:18:13but i think that i have peace with jamie
00:18:17i've been able to let her go and let her do her own thing
00:18:22i have missed her so much in my life
00:18:26and i always hoped that somehow it would work out that we have an opportunity
00:18:31to be together again but after this many years i've pretty much given that up
00:18:58i have a lot of my life
00:19:06And it seemed like yesterday
00:19:13Yeah, quitting on loving you
00:19:17Is hard on me
00:19:22And God, I wish that I could have stayed
00:19:46That's what we like
00:19:47Here, Mama, here we go
00:19:49Come on, tacos?
00:19:50Talking to myself
00:19:52Yep, turkey tacos
00:19:54How was your day?
00:19:56Good, how about you?
00:19:58I met Renee online
00:20:01He's very considerate
00:20:03And I hadn't had that before
00:20:08No, don't start speaking to me
00:20:10In the damn Spanish language
00:20:12Renee told me in a phone conversation
00:20:15That he was transgender
00:20:16He brought a lot of other things to the table
00:20:19So it didn't matter
00:20:20I was just intrigued
00:20:23At my age
00:20:25I was looking for emotional balance with someone
00:20:30And he gave me that
00:20:32I don't know what I'm saying
00:20:35I don't know what I mean
00:20:37I think Renee is my first love
00:20:40I truly do
00:20:43Give me your hand
00:20:45Give me your hand
00:20:46Give me your hand
00:20:46Give me your hand
00:20:47Give me your hand
00:20:47You go under
00:20:48All right, you go
00:20:49Okay, that's how you do it
00:20:51I hope Demi and Renee stayed together forever
00:20:57There's my hand
00:21:03There's my hand
00:21:15Go
00:21:18Hey
00:21:19Good morning
00:21:22Good morning. How are you doing?
00:21:26My family does not know any trans people.
00:21:33The communities back home are largely Hispanic, Catholic families,
00:21:38and they pretty much stay to themselves.
00:21:43Here's my shoulder.
00:21:45I wish I could be here so you could hold on.
00:21:48Yeah, I know.
00:21:49Get a good slow.
00:21:51My oldest sister, Elva, had cancer in her jaw.
00:21:54She's had a lot of surgeries.
00:21:56You know, doctor's appointments and this and that.
00:21:59My middle sister, Esmeralda, had a stroke,
00:22:02and she is having issues right now.
00:22:05Reschedule, though, yeah.
00:22:07After both my parents passed away,
00:22:09my two sisters took over to raise me.
00:22:12I know, I know, the baby.
00:22:18Everybody thought I was Elva's child
00:22:20because she had me everywhere, took me, dressed me, fed me, everything.
00:22:25That's the way to me.
00:22:27And we'd love to have you both come be here for you to come back home.
00:22:32I know.
00:22:33All of my brothers and sisters live in South Texas
00:22:36and have their families, their wives and husbands.
00:22:41I'm the black sheep.
00:22:43When you first go into a college,
00:22:45they have these tests that you can take.
00:22:46They tell you what you should be in.
00:22:48And a lawyer was number one.
00:22:50But Elva made a very good point to me.
00:22:52She said, I don't think in law
00:22:54you would be able to make the same kind of impact
00:22:56you're going to be able to make as a professor.
00:22:58What I'm trying to do in life,
00:23:01you know, bring God into people's lives,
00:23:03I don't think as a lawyer
00:23:04you really can do that
00:23:06because you're bound by the law.
00:23:09So we were talking about
00:23:11maybe one day you'll come
00:23:15live over here.
00:23:18We'll see.
00:23:19It's a thought.
00:23:20Slow or a pace?
00:23:22A lot slow, yeah.
00:23:23My pace.
00:23:24I like it, actually.
00:23:26I guess that's hope.
00:23:29Yeah.
00:23:30Renee is very welcome with my family.
00:23:32The children, two weeks.
00:23:34So they have never seen you.
00:23:35They love Renee.
00:23:36They love Renee because Renee loves me.
00:23:50My worst fear is that
00:23:52Ilda is going to tell her family
00:23:55and that they are going to reject her.
00:24:02That's what I've had my entire life.
00:24:07And I don't want Ilda
00:24:09to have to experience that.
00:24:31So I'm in a bar and I meet this nice man.
00:24:33We shared
00:24:37probably
00:24:40the most intimate
00:24:43moment of my life.
00:24:47I
00:24:48I have never
00:24:51had the opportunity
00:24:53to feel like
00:24:54a woman before.
00:25:06The first few years
00:25:07after I transitioned
00:25:08I dated a lot of guys.
00:25:11I never told any of them about me.
00:25:14I
00:25:15got a cute little panani.
00:25:19I've slept with 22 different guys
00:25:21and they can't tell the difference.
00:25:25Well I met Jamie five years ago
00:25:27maybe six years ago
00:25:28in a little bar here in Nashville
00:25:29and
00:25:31it was a singer-songwriter's night down there.
00:25:34She come to the bar
00:25:35and started talking
00:25:35and we hit it off.
00:25:40I loved the way she sung.
00:25:42My first impression of her was
00:25:44wow.
00:25:47We got to be really close
00:25:49and
00:25:49I'd call her my
00:25:50Southern Belle.
00:25:57If I was going to go
00:25:58down that road
00:25:59again
00:25:59after
00:26:01all these years
00:26:02it would be somebody
00:26:03that I could spend
00:26:04my life with.
00:26:08Jamie and I
00:26:08had a long distance relationship.
00:26:10I just lived too far away.
00:26:15I'd have regrets
00:26:16about what happened
00:26:17between her and I.
00:26:21I did enjoy sex with men.
00:26:22It was all right.
00:26:24I enjoy sex with Lisa more.
00:26:28You missed it.
00:26:29How did you miss a board?
00:26:32How did you miss that board?
00:26:35Do you know what you're doing?
00:26:36No, I don't know what I'm doing.
00:26:38I'll hold the bullets.
00:26:39You load the gun.
00:26:41I met Lisa through online dating.
00:26:44I don't even know how
00:26:46or why I started
00:26:49dating women.
00:26:52There you go.
00:26:53You didn't hit it.
00:26:54Yes, I did.
00:26:55Going through everything
00:26:56I've gone through
00:26:56most people wouldn't think
00:26:58that I'd date a woman
00:26:59at this point
00:27:00but
00:27:02I love
00:27:03who she is.
00:27:05This right here
00:27:06on this right here.
00:27:07See that bridge right there?
00:27:09And that right there.
00:27:10Okay.
00:27:13Did you see the dirt behind it?
00:27:20I almost got it then,
00:27:21didn't I?
00:27:24Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.
00:27:25Hey, Sam.
00:27:26Come here.
00:27:29Where's Betty Boop?
00:27:30Apparently they don't
00:27:30like apples, though.
00:27:32Jamie has the biggest
00:27:32heart in the world.
00:27:33She's sensitive.
00:27:35She's kind.
00:27:36And
00:27:37I just fell in love with her.
00:27:41Ooh.
00:27:43Let's check on the other side, too.
00:27:44Yeah, none over here.
00:27:45Just this one so far.
00:27:47I thought Jamie might be
00:27:48transgender
00:27:48with some of her actions,
00:27:50some of her mannerisms.
00:27:53Her hands.
00:27:55Are you done?
00:27:55You ready?
00:27:55What do you want?
00:27:56You want the egg or the...
00:27:57I'll take that.
00:27:58What came first, though?
00:28:00Huh?
00:28:01In the bedroom,
00:28:02we probably are
00:28:04very much a lesbian couple.
00:28:07She is the more dominant
00:28:09or aggressive
00:28:11person
00:28:11in our relationship.
00:28:14which is fine
00:28:15with me.
00:28:17I'm a typical
00:28:18Kentuckian.
00:28:19I love shooting.
00:28:20I love my truck.
00:28:21I love my chickens.
00:28:24I love my chickens.
00:28:28Hey, sexy.
00:28:30Stop it.
00:28:31Looking for a good time?
00:28:32Depends on who it's with.
00:28:34Got a girlfriend or anything?
00:28:37There's a lot of rednecks
00:28:39in Kentucky
00:28:39that frown on gay people.
00:28:44Don't get so close to me.
00:28:48You don't want to really
00:28:49show your affection
00:28:50in Kentucky.
00:28:53Jamie doesn't understand
00:28:54that if she had it her way,
00:28:57you know,
00:28:57we'd go down the street
00:28:58holding hands.
00:29:01If our neighbors
00:29:02found out
00:29:02that we were gay,
00:29:03I could see
00:29:04some of them
00:29:05killing our chickens,
00:29:07destroying our property.
00:29:09Just anything
00:29:10to get us
00:29:11out of the neighborhood.
00:29:12Because they don't
00:29:13understand it,
00:29:14so they don't want
00:29:14it around them.
00:29:15Oh, look at the beer
00:29:16stuff in here.
00:29:16That's beer style
00:29:17right there.
00:29:18I've heard people
00:29:19around here say
00:29:20that gay people
00:29:21should be shot.
00:29:22I don't really
00:29:23worry about
00:29:25if my neighbors
00:29:26found out
00:29:28what they would do.
00:29:30My gun's loaded.
00:29:48Who is it?
00:29:49It's your kid.
00:29:50Where are you going there?
00:29:52My baby, my foot.
00:29:55What are you doing?
00:29:59You look pretty.
00:29:59You look so pretty.
00:30:00Who's this?
00:30:01This is my girlfriend,
00:30:02Ilda.
00:30:02Hi, Mama.
00:30:04Renee called me
00:30:04and told me
00:30:05that he had met Ilda.
00:30:07He was excited.
00:30:09Ilda's really good
00:30:10for Renee.
00:30:11She's his equal.
00:30:13And she won't let him
00:30:14get by with nothing.
00:30:15You like fish patties?
00:30:17Of course I do.
00:30:18Oh, all right.
00:30:19And I think
00:30:19that's what Renee
00:30:20needed in the woman.
00:30:21Give me a soda
00:30:22over everybody, son.
00:30:23Try and do it.
00:30:24You gotta stop
00:30:24drinking them sodas.
00:30:25I drank a 24-pack a day.
00:30:27Who the hell
00:30:28wants 24 sodas
00:30:29in a day?
00:30:29Hey.
00:30:30You're looking at her.
00:30:31You know that's
00:30:31going to kill
00:30:32your kidneys, right?
00:30:33You know you got to
00:30:33die with something.
00:30:34No, you ain't got to
00:30:34die that fast, Pamela.
00:30:37Hallelujah.
00:30:38Look, Renee,
00:30:39I want to show you something.
00:30:47Get in, Mama.
00:30:48Get in, Mama.
00:30:49Go, Mama.
00:30:50Go, lady.
00:30:51Go.
00:30:52Go.
00:30:52Go.
00:30:53With your green dress on.
00:30:54With your green dress on.
00:30:55Oh, go.
00:30:56The eldest family
00:30:57doesn't know it
00:30:57the way Renee was born.
00:30:59I'm sure it'll be
00:31:00a surprise.
00:31:04Look at her.
00:31:06This is your crazy family.
00:31:08Well, you want me
00:31:09until you're in.
00:31:11I'm in.
00:31:12I know the Mexican people.
00:31:14I've been around them
00:31:15a long time.
00:31:17They're very,
00:31:18very old-fashioned.
00:31:21My worst fear
00:31:23is they would
00:31:23disown the elder
00:31:24because of their
00:31:26Catholic religion.
00:31:28I pray I'm wrong
00:31:29because the elder
00:31:30is such a sweet person.
00:31:33She's already lost
00:31:34her parents.
00:31:36The awful
00:31:37to lose
00:31:37their other families.
00:31:41I thank you
00:31:42for being with me, boy.
00:31:44You're welcome.
00:31:46I think,
00:31:47my personal self,
00:31:48that Renee and Ilda
00:31:49should tell them
00:31:49sooner than later.
00:31:51But that's
00:31:52their decision,
00:31:53not mine.
00:32:02So we came out
00:32:03in my car, Bubba.
00:32:05B-6.
00:32:06I wish I had a B-8.
00:32:08I put this on it,
00:32:09put the antenna on it,
00:32:11took my other one off,
00:32:12put that on,
00:32:13plus it covers,
00:32:14got the knockoffs on it,
00:32:15comes with it.
00:32:16Still won't cover on it,
00:32:17you don't need it,
00:32:18but put it.
00:32:19So I got that,
00:32:20cover out here.
00:32:21You were my big brother,
00:32:22you were my hero.
00:32:24But then when I hit 13, 14,
00:32:25and I started really
00:32:26coming into who I was,
00:32:29you and Mom,
00:32:30I felt many times
00:32:31in my life
00:32:32were trying to change
00:32:33who I was.
00:32:34To me,
00:32:35you always would be
00:32:37my little sister,
00:32:38regardless.
00:32:40That's how you came out, Mom.
00:32:43My brother did a lot
00:32:45of ugly things.
00:32:47I would settle myself
00:32:49somewhere as the boy
00:32:51that I was,
00:32:52and my brother would always
00:32:53come along and start trouble.
00:32:55You know,
00:32:56him and my mom
00:32:57forced me to show
00:32:58the very first girl
00:33:00that I ever loved
00:33:00breasts that were growing,
00:33:02that I tied down
00:33:03and didn't belong there.
00:33:11So,
00:33:11still working a truck,
00:33:12you're driving trucks?
00:33:14Yeah,
00:33:14until I get my degrees.
00:33:16How much time
00:33:17you got for school?
00:33:19About five years.
00:33:21And what are you going
00:33:22for, your bachelor's?
00:33:23I'm going for my PhD.
00:33:25Damn.
00:33:35I just want to tell you
00:33:36I apologize
00:33:37for the way I treated you
00:33:37in the past.
00:33:38You don't ever have
00:33:39to apologize to me.
00:33:40I didn't understand
00:33:41the situation.
00:33:42I didn't understand it,
00:33:43and I truly apologize
00:33:45how I did you.
00:33:48I felt like crap.
00:33:50Now I understand more
00:33:51of the situation about it,
00:33:52and I didn't know.
00:33:54Back then,
00:33:55I guess I didn't know
00:33:56and understand
00:33:56what you was going through,
00:33:58and I really didn't.
00:34:01I don't feel like
00:34:03you owe me an apology.
00:34:04I feel like, you know,
00:34:05all the things
00:34:05that I have gone through
00:34:07in my life
00:34:07have made me the man
00:34:08that I am,
00:34:09and without those things
00:34:10in my life,
00:34:11I could never be
00:34:11the person I am.
00:34:13Yeah, but the things
00:34:14sometimes we did to you
00:34:16that wasn't right,
00:34:17regardless of that or not.
00:34:19What we did,
00:34:20me and your mother,
00:34:22you know,
00:34:24this stuff that we
00:34:27probably shouldn't have done.
00:34:31You know,
00:34:32I have cried before
00:34:32over that.
00:34:34Oh, I know you have.
00:34:36And I really understand now.
00:34:39And on the true emotional thing,
00:34:41I mean,
00:34:44I'm just really sorry
00:34:45for the stuff I did.
00:34:47I've always wanted
00:34:48a little brother,
00:34:49and I got one.
00:34:50I'm glad that you're
00:34:51my big brother,
00:34:52and I love you,
00:34:53and I'm always going
00:34:54to love you.
00:34:56Mistakes or no mistakes,
00:34:58who we were,
00:35:00who we are,
00:35:01you'll always be
00:35:01my big brother.
00:35:02Nothing will ever
00:35:03change that.
00:35:05I love you.
00:35:07I love you too.
00:35:08I really do.
00:35:08I know you do.
00:35:09I really do too.
00:35:16What Rene is doing
00:35:17is contrary to nature.
00:35:20I didn't think
00:35:21it bothered me,
00:35:21but it bothered me
00:35:22really fucking bad.
00:35:23I can't handle it.
00:35:25What I want
00:35:26is not what he wants.
00:35:27When anybody
00:35:28intentionally
00:35:29deceives somebody else,
00:35:31that is a sin.
00:35:32I just don't understand
00:35:33why you want
00:35:34to do this.
00:35:35It's a round peg
00:35:37to a square hole.
00:35:38It doesn't work.
00:35:41It doesn't fit.
00:35:49If I stopped
00:35:51having contact
00:35:53with anyone
00:35:54that hurt me
00:35:55in my life,
00:35:55I wouldn't have
00:35:56contact with anyone.
00:36:00Forgiveness is
00:36:01something that
00:36:02God gave to me.
00:36:05I screw up
00:36:06every day
00:36:07and I need
00:36:08forgiveness.
00:36:09So who am I
00:36:09to not forgive
00:36:11someone who
00:36:12has wronged me?
00:36:14I forgive people
00:36:15and I move on.
00:36:48all the cabinets
00:36:49in this kitchen
00:36:50are things
00:36:51that I've built
00:36:51like this.
00:36:53Lisa had so many
00:36:55spices that we
00:36:56didn't have any place
00:36:56to put,
00:36:57so I built,
00:36:57first thing I built
00:36:58was a spice rack
00:37:00and then this
00:37:00little pantry
00:37:01will have doors
00:37:02on it when it's done.
00:37:03And this here
00:37:04is a fan
00:37:06I put together
00:37:06because we were cold
00:37:08and the wood burner
00:37:09was going,
00:37:10but it wasn't
00:37:10heating the bedroom.
00:37:11And this here
00:37:12is just a little piece
00:37:12for my phone
00:37:14that fits in there
00:37:15and I can take videos.
00:37:16Kind of half tripod,
00:37:17half fan.
00:37:17It works for both.
00:37:18It's a universal product.
00:37:20This is what we
00:37:21heat our water
00:37:22with in the house
00:37:23here.
00:37:23It's a
00:37:25on-demand water heater.
00:37:27You flick it on
00:37:28and it heats
00:37:29the water
00:37:30for the whole house
00:37:30and we never run
00:37:31out of hot water.
00:37:32So it's just something
00:37:33I put together
00:37:34off of some videos
00:37:35I saw on YouTube.
00:37:36My current occupation
00:37:37is I don't have one.
00:37:43I was actually
00:37:43playing softball
00:37:44and when I swung
00:37:46the bat
00:37:46I somehow blew out
00:37:47five discs
00:37:48simultaneously
00:37:49in my neck
00:37:50and it was
00:37:51a home run
00:37:52but it didn't help
00:37:54me for the rest
00:37:54of my life.
00:37:58I'm fortunate enough
00:38:00to be able to fix
00:38:00just about anything.
00:38:07I'm good at what I do.
00:38:09I'm good at fixing things
00:38:11and that has allowed me
00:38:14and gave me the ability
00:38:15to survive
00:38:16on the small amount
00:38:18that our government
00:38:19pays these days
00:38:20to live on.
00:38:25Lisa doesn't
00:38:26necessarily like
00:38:28how I am
00:38:29around the house here.
00:38:30She would like to see
00:38:31me a little more feminine.
00:38:33We have this big battle
00:38:34between us about
00:38:35whether I wear a bra
00:38:36or not.
00:38:41Some of my mannerisms
00:38:42are pretty dudeish
00:38:45but I learned how to do
00:38:47everything I do
00:38:50as a dude.
00:38:55It doesn't make me
00:38:56mannish.
00:38:57It doesn't make me
00:38:58anything but a strong
00:38:59woman that has
00:39:00the ability
00:39:01to fix things
00:39:02and take care
00:39:03of my life.
00:39:07but my dudeish ways
00:39:09bother her
00:39:11because she is
00:39:12attracted to women.
00:39:20I have a hard time
00:39:22sometimes with
00:39:24Jamie's
00:39:25mannerisms.
00:39:26It just makes me
00:39:27think about
00:39:28the times that I was
00:39:29with a man
00:39:30and there's a lot of times
00:39:32I didn't like that
00:39:33at all.
00:39:35I don't know.
00:39:37Yep.
00:39:39Jamie didn't get a manual
00:39:40on being a woman.
00:39:43She wasn't taught that.
00:39:45She still learns
00:39:46every day about it.
00:39:48So it's hard for her
00:39:49as well as me.
00:40:12Lisa struggles
00:40:13with bouts of depression
00:40:15and
00:40:19she has
00:40:20some big mood swings.
00:40:22She gets really
00:40:23stressed out sometimes
00:40:24and that creates
00:40:26conflict in our
00:40:27relationship.
00:40:29When we first met
00:40:31I didn't really
00:40:32understand what was
00:40:33going on with her
00:40:34and now that I
00:40:36understand what's
00:40:36going on with her
00:40:38I love her even more.
00:40:40I love her.
00:41:08At the age of 14
00:41:09I lost my mother
00:41:11and I lost my little
00:41:12brother too
00:41:13when he got killed
00:41:14in a car accident.
00:41:18My dad died after that
00:41:21so there's been
00:41:22a lot of death
00:41:22in my life.
00:41:26It's been very
00:41:27depressing at times
00:41:30just a lot of sorrow.
00:41:34sometimes I think
00:41:35I'm strong
00:41:36and that I'm a survivor
00:41:37and other times
00:41:38I'm totally opposite.
00:41:42And I know
00:41:42that's hard for Jamie
00:41:43to deal with.
00:41:45That's been a real
00:41:46struggle for our
00:41:47relationship.
00:41:47And the end of the
00:41:48And I know
00:42:17Thank you, Molly.
00:42:48The boys, Juan and I have together, I still have a relationship with them.
00:42:52They call me dad.
00:42:57Anything they need, I provide.
00:43:05I decided to get into trucking so that I could take care of my family on my own
00:43:11without my wife having to work.
00:43:15Just because that's pretty much how I've been raised.
00:43:23I had a father, but he left my life, and I've never seen him again.
00:43:30I don't want to do that to them.
00:43:33If they decide that they don't want me as their dad anymore,
00:43:38then that's a choice they made, but I won't make that choice for them.
00:43:47Being a father, you have a responsibility of going to work and taking care of your children,
00:43:51so all your dreams and aspirations kind of get pushed out the door.
00:43:57At 46 years old, I'm finally going back to school.
00:44:08In some ways, I feel like my transsexuality has kept me from being at a place that I could have
00:44:15already been.
00:44:26But I don't want to sit around and think about how much time I've lost.
00:44:31I just want to think about what I can do from here forward.
00:44:37Knock, knock.
00:44:38Oh, hey, good to see you.
00:44:40Hey, how are you, kid?
00:44:41Fine, how are you?
00:44:42Doing good.
00:44:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:45Harvard University.
00:44:46Yes, indeed.
00:44:49Just have a seat.
00:44:52So, you're back in school.
00:44:54I am back in school.
00:44:56Junior year-ish, right?
00:44:58No, I've got two semesters left to finish.
00:45:00It's a nice school.
00:45:02It ain't Harvard, but, you know.
00:45:05Okay, hold on.
00:45:06Let's back up.
00:45:06So, everything is online right now, is that right?
00:45:09Yeah.
00:45:10Okay.
00:45:11So, yeah, and which I know this may be very hard to do because you are working,
00:45:17you're taking these classes online and stuff like that,
00:45:20but actually being in somebody's classroom, that would be really helpful.
00:45:26So, then the question is, how much research experience have you had right now?
00:45:29I mean, probably biblically, I probably have a lot of research experience.
00:45:33Okay, sorry.
00:45:34Research experience in the field you were thinking of going and getting a PhD in,
00:45:38so psychology?
00:45:39None.
00:45:40Okay.
00:45:41Everybody applying to grad school, for the most part, is smart,
00:45:43and everybody applying to grad school is hardworking, right?
00:45:47What differentiates people is often, I actually worked in somebody's lab.
00:45:51I could walk in and take over some of these duties from day one.
00:45:56Whether it's fair or not on some level, also, the more people have heard of the school you
00:46:03went to, right, that often bumps people up.
00:46:07Most people can't compete with me in life.
00:46:10They might be able to compete with me in education, but they can't in the wisdom of life,
00:46:17and that's the one area in my life that I'll have on anybody.
00:46:20I have a lot of wisdom beyond my 46 years.
00:46:24They don't care about that, right?
00:46:27They don't care that you're wise.
00:46:29They don't care that you have experience.
00:46:30They care, what are your GREs, what school did you go to, what are your letters, right?
00:46:35And so, all of this comes after you're in the door, right?
00:46:40I might be 55 when I'm done, but I'll be done, and I'll have come from nothing.
00:46:48I mean, I know what I want now.
00:46:51I don't care.
00:47:37Hi.
00:47:38Hi, Jamie. I'm Penny White.
00:47:40Hi, Penny. Nice to meet you.
00:47:41Nice to meet you, too. Very nice.
00:47:44As you know, I'm here today to interview you for a radical feminist website.
00:47:49Oh, boy. Are we in trouble.
00:47:50Yeah. Well, you are. Okay.
00:47:53Okay. Well, that's all right. I'm ready.
00:47:55So, what do you know about radical feminism?
00:47:57Nothing.
00:47:58We're not, like, fun feminists, you know?
00:48:01We're not interested in freeing anybody's nipples.
00:48:04Really?
00:48:04We don't do the slut walk.
00:48:06I was hoping for maybe to get part of that.
00:48:08For a fun feminist, yeah.
00:48:10Our main concern as a radical feminist, seriously,
00:48:13is just to liberate women from male violence and control.
00:48:16And as a trans woman, that's something that is important for you,
00:48:21to be free from male violence and control.
00:48:23Absolutely.
00:48:24So, you know, that's something that we share in common.
00:48:28What I hear being pushed in the trans activist community
00:48:32is that there's absolutely no difference between someone who was born,
00:48:36you know, in a female body and someone who was male for years
00:48:40and then went through this transition.
00:48:43But your experience, who you are, the woman that you are,
00:48:48would not exist if you hadn't been Jim for a certain number of years.
00:48:53Well, I haven't heard that name in a long time.
00:48:55Yeah.
00:48:55But you had to be that to be Jamie today.
00:49:01Ah, no.
00:49:02See, that's where we're going to disagree.
00:49:04Okay.
00:49:04Okay.
00:49:05I think I'm just every bit as much a woman as you are.
00:49:09I disagree for a couple of reasons.
00:49:14I don't know what it's like to go through what you went through.
00:49:18No, you don't.
00:49:19And by the same token,
00:49:21you don't know what it was like to grow up as a biological woman.
00:49:26I was born a woman as far as I'm concerned.
00:49:29But living as a man benefited you.
00:49:32And a lot of women do have a hard time surviving
00:49:34because they are raised and socialized as women.
00:49:39And a lot of that socialization is geared towards keeping us dependent on men.
00:49:44My whole life, all I've ever wanted to do is be the woman that I am.
00:49:54I was a trans woman for a year and a half at most.
00:50:01Transitioning is a verb.
00:50:04It's what we do.
00:50:05It's not what we are.
00:50:06And I hate that term trans woman
00:50:09because I am not a trans woman.
00:50:12I am a woman that transitioned from a male body to who I am today.
00:50:19So do you see me as a 100% woman?
00:50:22I see you as a 100% Jamie.
00:50:26I do not see you as a biological woman.
00:50:40He wasn't a great-looking guy.
00:50:42He's going to be a hell of an ugly girl.
00:50:44You need to shut up.
00:50:45What in hell?
00:50:46Would you keep his personal life out of my neighborhood, away from me?
00:50:49It was like a death in the family.
00:50:51Get out of our house and you need to leave.
00:50:52Getting your penis cut in half and stuffed inside you.
00:50:55This is not the son that I raised you to be.
00:50:58I could be in a bar and he could come up to me
00:51:00and I could pick him up and take him home.
00:51:03Fall in love with him and then two years down the road or something
00:51:06he says, well, you know, I used to be a man.
00:51:08Now I'm a woman.
00:51:10I'd shoot him.
00:51:14Don't shoot me.
00:51:20Guess he's clean God.
00:51:25I'd shoot him.
00:51:29I'd shoot him.
00:51:30I'd shoot him.
00:51:37I'd buy him.
00:51:38I'd host him.
00:51:40I'd try to knock him.
00:51:42Salt and pepper, please.
00:51:52Are you going to flip my eggs, or are you just going to...
00:51:54Yeah, I'm going to flip them. I'm just going to flip them a little bit first.
00:52:00I love Lisa enough to spend the rest of my life with her.
00:52:03We just have some things to work through right now.
00:52:07All right, I'm going to go eat.
00:52:10I would really love and hope that at some point she realizes
00:52:15that it's not so much about what I look like or how I act.
00:52:26It's about how much love and the type of heart I have.
00:52:39I know I'm not the girl in your dreams
00:52:47But she'll never love you as much as me
00:52:54And I can't promise you just how perfect I'll be
00:53:02But always in love with you, I can guarantee
00:53:11Although you love me
00:53:14You can't let love be
00:53:19You say to me
00:53:22It's just not that easy
00:53:26Forget about our past so we can't be
00:53:34Just love the woman in me
00:53:52So what got you into rock climbing?
00:53:54The outdoors have always been my go-to
00:53:56Like, you know, when I was being bullied
00:53:58And when I was going through a hard time in my life
00:54:00The outdoors have always been a refuge to me
00:54:01Right. So the majority of your community knows?
00:54:05Most of the rock climbing community, per se
00:54:07Pretty much knows because I wrote a book and stuff like that
00:54:10People used to say to me
00:54:11Oh, you're a liar because, you know, I didn't tell people
00:54:14No
00:54:15As soon as my breasts started showing, I started tying them down, right?
00:54:18Yep, yep
00:54:18I'm lucky on that
00:54:19That's why I punched over shoulders
00:54:20Yeah, exactly
00:54:21I'm still working on that
00:54:22So I dislocated my shoulder
00:54:23Because my shoulder blades are so used to
00:54:25Being, you know, over, you know, over-complicating
00:54:29For my chest before I got surgery
00:54:31So I'm still working on the posture thing
00:54:33And all the things that, you know
00:54:34Kind of the 15 years of living that way
00:54:37Well, did you tear them up like that?
00:54:40Oh, my
00:54:41You see that damage?
00:54:42Dang, yeah
00:54:42No, no, my surgery is pretty
00:54:44Yeah, see, bro, this is your reverse
00:54:46I just got a, what was it, the keyhole
00:54:48I mean, when I first started, my chest looked like yours
00:54:51Really? What happened?
00:54:52I gained muscle
00:54:53Because I tied my chest down for 10 years
00:54:55Yeah
00:54:58So, tell me, like, relationship-wise
00:55:02Where you're at and what you do
00:55:04The funny story is I have lived every color of the rainbow
00:55:06When I first transitioned, I thought I liked girls
00:55:10And, you know, I actually dated guys as a girl before
00:55:14And I was like, this feels weird
00:55:15I feel like I'm dating my bro, you know
00:55:17Like, those are my friends
00:55:17Yeah
00:55:18And then I, you know, transitioned and started dating females
00:55:21And still then, that didn't feel right
00:55:24And I was a lesbian at once
00:55:26Right now, I have a boyfriend
00:55:28And I identify as gay
00:55:29So, so you're, you're, so you're a gay, transsexual man
00:55:35And so there are, there are people that would go
00:55:38Well, dude, that's just so
00:55:40People always, all the time
00:55:41You're such a weirdo, dude
00:55:42Yeah, why do you want to be a man just to be with men?
00:55:44People were always like, why did you change?
00:55:46I said, I've never changed, I just confirmed
00:55:47Yeah
00:55:48I just confirmed who I was when I, when I transitioned
00:55:51Like, right now, I think we're really at a pivotal point in history
00:55:55To make people understand that it doesn't have to do with sexuality
00:56:00That's why I don't like the word transsexual
00:56:03I don't either
00:56:03Because they're tagging sexuality on the end of who we are
00:56:09Sexuality is who you want to sleep with
00:56:11It's who you're attracted to
00:56:12And gender is who you want to sleep as
00:56:14And those are two separate entities
00:56:16Yeah
00:56:16It's crazy when people will come up to you and ask you, you know
00:56:19What goes down in the bedroom or anything like that
00:56:21Yeah, man, fuck you
00:56:22That's what I say to that
00:56:24Yeah
00:56:25Personally, I'm not going to go around asking how big anybody's dick is
00:56:28Or, you know, what breast size you are
00:56:30And I feel like it's a very personal thing
00:56:31What happens in the bedroom is between me and that other person
00:56:34That's what you share
00:56:36And I think that's very special
00:56:38Yeah
00:56:38So you haven't fully had your surgery
00:56:43I don't like to use the word fully
00:56:45Because for me, there was a point where I was like
00:56:48You know what, I'm just going to be okay with it
00:56:51Somebody can be with somebody because you are a male
00:56:53Not because of what's in your pants
00:57:16Or a transgender man who has been on hormone therapy for a period of years
00:57:21That causes growth in the clitoris
00:57:23That clitoris is like a small penis
00:57:24And it's arousable
00:57:27It becomes erect
00:57:28The patient can achieve climax
00:57:35The penis that I'm about to have put on
00:57:37It'll get hard just like yours
00:57:39It'll go down just like yours
00:57:41It will
00:57:42It'll do
00:57:42It'll function exactly the same way that your penis functions on you
00:57:48For the first time in my life, Pamela
00:57:50I'm going to be free
00:57:51I'm going to be able to have sex with my wife
00:57:53With no clothes on
00:57:54And to know what that feels like
00:58:02You are on a journey
00:58:03There's no question
00:58:05You're saying
00:58:06I'm now ready for my big penis
00:58:10I just don't know
00:58:12That that is truly an option
00:58:19Rene
00:58:22How are you?
00:58:23How you doing, man?
00:58:25Good to see you
00:58:26How you been?
00:58:28Haven't seen you in a while
00:58:28You look great, man
00:58:30Getting a little gray
00:58:31I know, uh-huh
00:58:33What's new in your private life?
00:58:36Ilda
00:58:36I've not ever met her
00:58:38Ilda?
00:58:39Yeah
00:58:39Awesome
00:58:40Ilda, my girlfriend
00:58:40How long have you all been together?
00:58:42A year
00:58:43A year?
00:58:44That's great
00:58:45Have a seat on the torture chair there
00:58:50So, tell me about the first time you all were intimate together
00:58:53Our intimacy
00:58:54The first couple times
00:58:57There was no penetration involved
00:58:59It was just, you know
00:59:00Oral sex
00:59:04I don't know what it's like
00:59:06Personally
00:59:07To penetrate my mate
00:59:09Right
00:59:09So, you know
00:59:11To me
00:59:11That's the epitome
00:59:12For me
00:59:13Of sex
00:59:16I'll be back in a minute
00:59:17We'll examine things
00:59:18And see where we're at
00:59:29Yeah, lay back for me
00:59:30All right
00:59:32Why don't you
00:59:32Yeah, fish
00:59:34All right
00:59:37Dude
00:59:39Nice package
00:59:40You know, I mean
00:59:41This thing's come a long way
00:59:43Since we started building this thing
00:59:44We started out at what?
00:59:47About an inch?
00:59:48Maybe
00:59:48Yep
00:59:49Half an inch
00:59:49And you're
00:59:50I mean, even flaccid
00:59:51You're at a good three
00:59:54Good three inches
00:59:55Three and a half inches
00:59:55You know
00:59:56Well, you've really
00:59:57Gotten some length
00:59:58With all those
00:59:59Yeah
00:59:59Procedures
00:59:59Yeah
01:00:00I had about eight
01:00:01All together, I think
01:00:02Have you tried penetrating her?
01:00:05Yeah
01:00:06I mean, if you can't
01:00:07Get to stay hard
01:00:09I mean, if you can't get hard
01:00:10It don't
01:00:12I mean, I have full feeling
01:00:13You know, I can be
01:00:14Sexually satisfied
01:00:15Right
01:00:16In other ways
01:00:16But
01:00:17Right
01:00:17But just not
01:00:18You know, penetration
01:00:19Right
01:00:19I mean, I would
01:00:21Like to be at a place
01:00:23Where I could
01:00:24You know
01:00:25Make love
01:00:25To the woman I'm with
01:00:27And be inside of her
01:00:29With my own flesh
01:00:30Right
01:00:30My flesh against her flesh
01:00:32And, you know
01:00:35Ejaculate inside of her
01:00:37Instead of
01:00:38On her
01:00:39Right
01:00:40Now
01:00:40You say when you get stimulated
01:00:43How long
01:00:44How much length
01:00:44Do you think you have
01:00:45When you're maximally stimulated?
01:00:48The length
01:00:49Of the outside penis
01:00:50I don't
01:00:50I don't think grows at all
01:00:52I don't think it moves at all
01:01:03Okay
01:01:04I really believe
01:01:05In 50 years
01:01:06The men that come behind me
01:01:09They're going to have
01:01:10A phallus that actually works
01:01:11Like any other man's phallus
01:01:13But I'm never going to experience that
01:01:28Rene is very talented
01:01:30With his hands
01:01:31And
01:01:32Other things
01:01:36At one point in my life
01:01:38I had
01:01:39The body of a woman
01:01:46I know
01:01:47What points
01:01:48To touch on a woman
01:01:49To make her
01:01:51Feel good
01:02:00I'm a modest person
01:02:03But
01:02:04I'm not so much
01:02:05With Rene
01:02:09You know
01:02:10When we're done
01:02:11I ask her
01:02:12Did you come?
01:02:15And
01:02:16She's not shy
01:02:16To tell me
01:02:18I do not care
01:02:19If Rene has a big penis
01:02:20Or not
01:02:22We can get a big penis
01:02:23If we want
01:02:28Hey
01:02:28Bye
01:02:30Bye
01:02:30Bye
01:02:40Bye
01:03:09PIANO PLAYS
01:03:24PIANO PLAYS
01:03:45PIANO PLAYS
01:03:46What do you want, baby?
01:03:47I have...
01:03:48Is there such a thing as a mocha cappuccino?
01:03:50A mocha, yes.
01:03:51Cappuccino?
01:03:52That's what I want.
01:03:57I'm going to be playing at the Bluebird Cafe this coming Wednesday
01:04:02down in Nashville, Tennessee.
01:04:04I get to play with two of the biggest songwriters ever
01:04:07in the history of country music, and I'm really excited.
01:04:11Well, you better look good.
01:04:12So I'm going to look, like, totally hot,
01:04:14and you better not miss it because I'm going to be so hot
01:04:17that I'm going to light your fire.
01:04:20Isn't that Valentine's Day?
01:04:21It is Valentine's Day.
01:04:24I know you've got to work and stuff,
01:04:25but I think it would be really cool if somehow you could find a way
01:04:28to get off and come to it.
01:04:30What time are you playing on Wednesday?
01:04:32I think it's, like, from 1 to 3.
01:04:341 to 3.
01:04:36I don't know if I can get off work to come.
01:04:41It would be really special if you could somehow get off in the afternoon
01:04:44and come and see it.
01:04:47Oh, babe.
01:04:49I'll see what I can do. I'll try, okay?
01:04:51Don't cry.
01:04:54That's a good drive for me, so I don't know.
01:04:57I'll see what I can do.
01:04:57Yeah, we'll have to see what we can do.
01:05:22Thank you, Father, for our food.
01:05:24We lift you up and praise you in the name of Jesus.
01:05:26Amen.
01:05:27I'm a Bible believer, but so many of the churches I've been to,
01:05:30they don't accept people like me.
01:05:39You know, I'll go in, they'll meet me, and, oh, yeah, I love you, man.
01:05:43You're filled with the Holy Spirit, and I can see God working in you,
01:05:46and I can see God moving in you, and as soon as they found out I'm transsexual,
01:05:49all know I think you're of the devil.
01:05:51We ought to pray for Rene.
01:05:55Fathers, we come to you just now.
01:05:57Have your way.
01:05:58Let your will be done.
01:05:59We ask it in Jesus' name.
01:06:01Amen.
01:06:02Amen.
01:06:18I still have not told any of my family that Rene is trans.
01:06:23Thank you, Lord, Father God, for another day of life.
01:06:26When Rene wants to, I will tell them.
01:06:29Oh, then I do.
01:06:30But it's not my story to tell.
01:06:32I made that mistake once.
01:06:35Your love and your mercy and your grace.
01:06:37I told my friend that Rene is trans.
01:06:39Jesus.
01:06:40He was angry.
01:06:42Thank you for the opportunity to change the world that we live in.
01:06:45I haven't shared with her family about how I was born
01:06:49because I don't feel like it's any of their business.
01:06:52Thank you for forgiveness.
01:06:54Thank you for grace and mercy.
01:06:56When I come to a person and I tell them I'm transsexual,
01:06:59the only thing that changes in that conversation is their mindset.
01:07:03Their bigotry kicks in, and they go, oh, my gosh.
01:07:06Thank you for helping us to be the people you want us to be.
01:07:09Help me to be the man you want me to be.
01:07:10Nothing changed about me.
01:07:12The man I am, the way that I love my kids,
01:07:15the way that I take care of my woman,
01:07:17the way that I'm working my ass off to get a degree
01:07:20while I'm driving a truck stays the same.
01:07:22None of that changes.
01:07:23The only thing that changes is a person's mindset.
01:07:27We lift you up and we praise you in the name of Jesus.
01:07:30I don't think it's a big chance in my family.
01:07:32You won't accept it.
01:07:38But you never know.
01:07:43I do want to tell them before they find out somewhere else.
01:07:51Worst-case scenario,
01:07:53if someone can't accept it,
01:07:56then they don't need to be in my life.
01:08:00That's how I feel about it.
01:08:16When I was small,
01:08:18I would sit on my dad's lap
01:08:19and we would listen to the Grand Ole Opry
01:08:22and the Midnight Jamboree.
01:08:30I love Nashville because it's so full of music
01:08:33and there's so many opportunities
01:08:35to share my music with the world.
01:08:44I write songs and I keep hoping
01:08:46that one of those is going to be a hit someday.
01:09:01I wish Lisa would be here today.
01:09:16I think Ed still likes me.
01:09:19We had a good relationship.
01:09:21I'd like a rum and coke, please.
01:09:22I'm going to go to Jack and coke.
01:09:26There was a point that I had said to Ed
01:09:29that if you would have asked me
01:09:31to marry you four years ago,
01:09:34I probably would have.
01:09:36You remember the first time we met where we met?
01:09:39Oh, yeah.
01:09:40How can I forget it?
01:09:41We were in there having a drink at the bar
01:09:43and you were up there singing.
01:09:44I thought, wow.
01:09:45So when I walked over to you,
01:09:47did you like go,
01:09:48holy shit, she's coming by me?
01:09:51Yeah, and then I said, holy crap,
01:09:52she's actually talking to me and standing here.
01:09:55And then when you gave me your phone number
01:09:56and then I said, well, she'll never call
01:09:58even if I do call her.
01:10:00Son of a gun, you call me back
01:10:02because I got your answer machine there first.
01:10:04Oh, that's right, yeah.
01:10:08There was a time there that I thought
01:10:09that we might have really been something.
01:10:19I felt really bad about not telling you
01:10:21in the beginning,
01:10:22but I wanted to make sure that we were...
01:10:26You were probably afraid that you wouldn't have me around.
01:10:28I was. I was a little afraid
01:10:29and I wanted to make sure
01:10:31that you were the person that I could tell.
01:10:34And I kind of wish that sometimes
01:10:36I would have told you earlier.
01:10:41So you remember the first time we made love?
01:10:43Yeah, it was at your place
01:10:44and I was sound asleep when you came in, so...
01:10:47And I woke you up, didn't I?
01:10:50Yeah, pretty much.
01:10:51I guess I was just thinking that,
01:10:54gosh, I got this handsome guy in my bed.
01:10:56I should take advantage of you.
01:11:00And you did so well.
01:11:01And I did so well. Good.
01:11:10When we made love,
01:11:12was it good for you?
01:11:14No complaints.
01:11:19You're a good woman.
01:11:22I try hard.
01:11:24I even envy...
01:11:25envy Lisa.
01:11:27You're never going to find another me, are you?
01:11:30I'm not even going to try.
01:11:39All right, so what do you want to do to me first?
01:11:43A whole makeover.
01:11:46All right, we're going to put some eyebrows on you.
01:11:48Some what?
01:11:49Some eyebrows.
01:11:50I promise I won't make you look like...
01:11:53A hoe?
01:11:55Yeah, or a transvestite.
01:11:56I don't want to look like a hoe.
01:11:59Can I say that?
01:12:00No.
01:12:01I crack me up.
01:12:04At your expense.
01:12:06Yeah, really.
01:12:07So how was your conversation with Ed?
01:12:09It was nice.
01:12:10It was nice to see him again,
01:12:11and I'm glad that he's come down for the show,
01:12:14and we had a nice talk.
01:12:16And he's okay?
01:12:18Yeah.
01:12:20So now that it's here today,
01:12:22the Bluebird show,
01:12:24have you talked to Lisa?
01:12:26Yeah.
01:12:28I bet you're really bummed
01:12:29that she's not able to be here, huh?
01:12:31I am.
01:12:32I'm sad she's not here.
01:12:33I really would have liked her to see this show.
01:12:37She's kind of upset with me today.
01:12:40Well, then it might be a good thing
01:12:41that she's not coming.
01:12:42If she's upset,
01:12:43that's the way I look at it.
01:12:46But it wasn't a good conversation we had anyway, so...
01:12:50But I just have to do this one on my own.
01:12:55The Lone Star.
01:13:17I think I'm doing it.
01:13:27Hi, everybody.
01:13:28We're here at the Bluebird Nashville,
01:13:29where I'm with the amazing Mr. Jerry Foster
01:13:32and the amazing Mr. Jimmy Payne
01:13:34and Mr. Cambona over here.
01:13:36I guess we're going to sing some songs
01:13:38and tell some stories here for a little while, all right?
01:13:40Yeah, you're going to kick it.
01:13:41I am.
01:13:42I guess I'm going to kick it off.
01:13:44You know I love you
01:13:49Baby, you are my crutch
01:13:54Six lonely nights
01:13:59Without you's too much
01:14:03Let me drink from your still
01:14:08Get drunk on your love
01:14:13Cause cold stone sober
01:14:17I ain't really that much
01:14:22Cold stone sober
01:14:27I ain't worth a damn
01:14:31But you give me a drink, babe
01:14:36I'll make you feel like a man
01:14:41I'll make you feel like a man
01:14:43I'll make you feel like a man
01:14:43I'll love you with passion
01:14:46That you don't understand
01:14:51Yet cold stone sober
01:14:55I ain't worth a damn
01:15:02All right
01:15:04Yeah, thank you, thank you
01:15:11Oh, you are in so much trouble, girl
01:15:15Quit crying, Jimmy, just saying
01:15:16I'm trying, yeah
01:15:20For a long, long time
01:15:22None of my brothers had anything to do with me
01:15:26And over the last three or four years
01:15:28My youngest brother has come full circle
01:15:31And he's kind of like, you know
01:15:33I love you and you're my sibling
01:15:35And it doesn't matter about anything else
01:15:37It just took him a while to figure out
01:15:39That I was the same person I've always been
01:15:43My journey's been a long journey
01:15:44It's been 15 years
01:15:48And I'm pretty happy with who I've become
01:15:50If nobody's stepping on your rights
01:15:53Then don't step on theirs
01:15:55I guess that's pretty much what this song says
01:15:56So we should have practiced more last night, Ken
01:16:02When you give someone a present
01:16:05Do you attach it to strings?
01:16:10Tie them up and not so tight
01:16:12So tight that they can't breathe
01:16:16Will you take away my gift of freedom?
01:16:20Take back the gift you gave
01:16:23Will you take away my rights to freedom?
01:16:27My right to be me
01:16:33Free to be me
01:16:36Who else can I be?
01:16:40It's only a truth and happiness at stake
01:16:47Free from prejudice and a blood and jury
01:16:54I'm gonna be free
01:16:55To be me
01:16:58Today
01:16:59Hell yeah
01:17:00I'm gonna be free
01:17:02To be me
01:17:05Today
01:17:09Thank you all for showing up and coming out
01:17:12Jerry Foster, thank you
01:17:13Jimmy Payne
01:17:14Ken Bono
01:17:15Thank you so much
01:17:16This has been a blessing
01:17:17And I can't tell you how much I love you all
01:17:19And thank you
01:17:20Thank you all out there in the audience for being here
01:17:23And as life goes on
01:17:25We'll see where the turns take us
01:17:27But thank you all
01:17:32Good job, James
01:17:44Thank you so much
01:17:46You didn't think I was going to miss it, did you?
01:17:48Yeah, I did
01:17:50I did think you were going to miss it
01:18:17The day we decided to tell Elva and Raul
01:18:20We had a conversation with them
01:18:22And Rene explained to them about how he was born
01:18:27And then we asked if they had any questions
01:18:32We just wanted to make sure that they understood what being transgender meant
01:18:40Raul asked
01:18:41Were you born female or male?
01:18:46Rene said he was born female
01:18:50My sister was just absorbing
01:18:53We told her about some of the hardships he had been through
01:18:57And she cried
01:19:02She says, I don't need to know more
01:19:11When you told us about this
01:19:13It hit us, you know
01:19:18It took us a little bit of time
01:19:22We thought it was going to make a big difference
01:19:24But no, he's the same to us
01:19:28The more we get to know about him
01:19:30The more time we spend with him
01:19:34We don't see anything that will be any problem
01:19:38Because
01:19:39It will make a difference?
01:19:40Yes, it will make a difference
01:19:41We don't see him any different
01:19:44But Rene was worried that maybe somebody would not want to talk to me
01:19:48Or just didn't want to have anything to do with me because I was with him
01:19:53No
01:19:55First time I saw you
01:19:57That you two came the first time
01:19:58You all walked to the park
01:20:02And
01:20:03We went to go get tacos
01:20:06Holding hands
01:20:07And I hadn't seen you in a long time doing that with anybody
01:20:12And it's been a while since we have seen you happy
01:20:15Yes
01:20:17He's going to be there for a long time for you
01:20:21We're happy for you
01:20:23Yes
01:20:25And he was real handsome
01:21:08I'm Rene
01:21:09Nice to meet you
01:21:10This is Bo, right?
01:21:11He don't like me
01:21:14Hi, I'm Rene
01:21:15Hi, I'm Becky
01:21:16Nice to meet you, Becky
01:21:17This is Rachel Cato
01:21:18Rachel, nice to meet you
01:21:19How you doing, my man?
01:21:20How you doing?
01:21:21Okay
01:21:21This is Julissa
01:21:22This is just serious
01:21:23I'll do this
01:21:24Because I'm starting to sweat
01:21:25And I don't want to get drunk
01:21:26Nice to meet you
01:21:28What?
01:21:29St Apple
01:21:29K
01:21:30Up
01:21:30Up
01:21:30Up
01:21:32Up
01:21:35Up
01:21:56Next
01:22:04Oh, now I might be a little nervous.
01:22:09I never get nervous.
01:22:12Hey, can I get all you guys' attention, please?
01:22:16I'm going to put Ilda on the hot seat.
01:22:24First, I want to thank all of you as her family for coming and hanging out with us, and I
01:22:29truly appreciate that.
01:22:33To you, I want to say, if today was the last day of my life, what would I want you
01:22:45to remember about me?
01:22:49I would want you to remember that you're truly loved by somebody.
01:22:57And all of the things of your past and all of the things that never worked out, maybe they never
01:23:04worked out for a reason.
01:23:07And that there's a man in the world who truly loves you and cares for you and wants what's best
01:23:15for you and wants to succeed with you.
01:23:22I didn't know if I could love somebody again, and you showed me that I could.
01:23:31When I'm with you, when I'm not with you, you make me smile.
01:23:34You make me happy.
01:23:38And so, I want to know from you, right, if you will spend your life with me.
01:23:53I will.
01:23:55Let me make you happy when you're making me happy.
01:23:59You.
01:24:00And I want you to know how much I truly love you beyond everything I mean when I say.
01:24:06Right?
01:24:08Yeah.
01:24:09Yeah.
01:24:14It's perfect.
01:24:29Thank you for having me.
01:24:39Of course.
01:24:41She said yes.
01:24:48I love you.
01:24:49I love you, too.
01:24:51Welcome to the family.
01:24:54Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:25:37People say, well, you made the choice to do this.
01:25:41God, I wouldn't make a choice to give up everything I worked all my life for
01:25:44so I could wear dresses and put makeup on.
01:25:47That's not what this is about.
01:25:49This is all about being who you really feel you are.
01:25:56I have lived my life for 15 years as a woman.
01:26:03I'm old enough to deserve to spend the rest of my years with somebody I care about.
01:26:11I'm going to do my best to be there for her forever.
01:26:29A real man to me is a man who looks out for his family,
01:26:34is loyal to the woman he's with, does his part.
01:26:40I am a real man.
01:26:42I am a real man by my own definition of what a man is, not by somebody else's.
01:27:01When you give someone a present, do you attach it to strings?
01:27:09Tie them up and not so tight, so tight that they can't breathe.
01:27:15Will you take away my gift of freedom?
01:27:19Take back the gift you gave?
01:27:23Will you take away my rights to freedom?
01:27:26My right to be me?
01:27:32Free to be me.
01:27:35Who else can I be?
01:27:39It's only a truth and happiness at stake.
01:27:46Free from prejudiced minds of judge and jury.
01:27:52I'm going to be free to be me today.
01:27:58Hell yeah.
01:27:59I'm going to be free to be me today.
01:28:05I'm going to be free to be me today.
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