- 37 minutes ago
James must move in with his girlfriend of three months after being evicted from his place, and soon he discovers that he doesn't want to be with her any more. His hope is to get her to break up with him but still let him sleep on the couch.
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Short filmTranscript
00:01:01You know, if one of my two best friends since middle school would let me stay with them, then I
00:01:05wouldn't have to do this.
00:01:07On behalf of Carbo and I, I'd like to apologize for getting you evicted.
00:01:12That was really...
00:01:13Oh, wait, no.
00:01:15That was you.
00:01:16You did that all by yourself.
00:01:19Cheese stands alone on that one.
00:01:21No, I'm serious.
00:01:22Moving in with my girlfriend is not a desirable thing in my life right now.
00:01:25I don't want to do it.
00:01:26You got to help me.
00:01:26I don't want to do it.
00:01:27Well, don't look at me.
00:01:29You know, I live in the studio and come on, man, sleep over, stop being cool in 7th grade.
00:01:33And I have a boyfriend now, so I need my privacy.
00:01:38Whatever.
00:01:38How old is he?
00:01:39Like 60?
00:01:4080.
00:01:41No, you know what?
00:01:42He's 45.
00:01:43And he just had a birthday, too, so he's pretty much still, he's 44 going into...
00:01:49Whatever.
00:01:5044, 60.
00:01:50You say tomato, I say 60.
00:01:52He's probably legally blind.
00:01:53He wouldn't even notice me being there.
00:01:54Oh, look at me.
00:01:55That's cute.
00:01:56That's really funny.
00:01:58Where is it?
00:01:58I can't find it.
00:02:00That's really cute.
00:02:01Oh, my God.
00:02:01You guys, let's go.
00:02:02This is ridiculous.
00:02:03I can't put it in.
00:02:04Let's go.
00:02:09I got evicted because I spent all my money trying to impress my new girlfriend.
00:02:12And I bought the sweet-ass TV.
00:02:14Not my fault.
00:02:14Oh, it's not your fault, so it's okay.
00:02:16Well, if it's not your fault, uh, whose fault would it be?
00:02:21Rappers.
00:02:21They make it hard for us regular guys.
00:02:23Whatever.
00:02:24You're the dumbass who spent all your money on someone you met three months ago.
00:02:28What part of take it slow didn't make sense?
00:02:31Nothing you say makes sense.
00:02:33Besides, I refuse to take advice from somebody that's dating Mr. Rogers.
00:02:36You're dating Mr. Rogers?
00:02:37Okay.
00:02:38Does he switch from his blazer to his sweater when you guys start to do it?
00:02:41Yeah, he also has a milk carton village in his living room.
00:02:45We play with it.
00:02:46It's really hot.
00:02:47Fine.
00:02:48If Mr. Rogers doesn't want to be my neighbor, I'll just do my time here at Shawshank Redemption 2
00:02:52and get my own place again.
00:02:54Dude, you really think you're going to get your own place again, man?
00:02:57They don't call out the old ball and chain for nothing.
00:02:59What are you talking about?
00:03:00I'm talking about what she's going to do to you in there, man.
00:03:01What am I going to do to him?
00:03:04Kim, you disappeared out of thin air.
00:03:08Was Professor X mad when you left the X-Men?
00:03:11Yes, he was.
00:03:12Now, what am I going to do to him?
00:03:14For starters, you'll probably cut his penis off and use it as a really small shake weight,
00:03:17you know?
00:03:20Take that.
00:03:26Big boy's neighborhood, it is going down, man.
00:03:29Relationships, do they work?
00:03:31Is it better to be single?
00:03:33If you're miserable, yes.
00:03:34Right, right.
00:03:35Our bedroom already has a TV.
00:03:36A lot of people that say, hey, you know, I'm in a relationship.
00:03:38What should I do?
00:03:39It's a pink TV.
00:03:41Yeah, and it matches everything else in the room.
00:03:43Who's in the neighborhood?
00:03:44Hey, what's going on, guys?
00:03:46What's happening?
00:03:46Who this?
00:03:46Hi, this is Rick.
00:03:47Rick, what's going on?
00:03:48Rick, how you doing?
00:03:49Hi, Rick.
00:03:50Oh, my God, you guys.
00:03:52Check out all the pink and shit.
00:03:55Pink is my favorite color.
00:03:57The color of vaginas.
00:03:58Actually smells like vagina in here.
00:04:00You guys are.
00:04:01Ew.
00:04:02Let's go.
00:04:03Thanks for helping me.
00:04:04I like the way I like to dress, right?
00:04:07I go out, you know, I'm wearing the shirt, she's just all, you know, you dress like a
00:04:11female.
00:04:13Thanks.
00:04:15Oh, good luck with your wife.
00:04:16Not my wife.
00:04:17A year ago, she wasn't trying to dress you.
00:04:19No, dude, she wasn't trying to dress you or nothing.
00:04:21Yeah, she was just like, oh, that's so cool.
00:04:24You're so cool.
00:04:25Everything was compliments at the beginning.
00:04:26Right.
00:04:26Have you changed, Rick, have you changed in that year?
00:04:29I don't think I've changed.
00:04:30I'm just saying.
00:04:31So do you think that, like, right now, with the shirt a year later...
00:04:35What?
00:04:37It seems unpacking.
00:04:41Unpacking?
00:04:41Mm-hmm.
00:04:42Yeah.
00:04:45Jesus!
00:04:45Sorry, I couldn't hold it in any longer.
00:04:47Why didn't you spit in your own hair?
00:04:57You know what?
00:04:59I feel more comfortable with you already.
00:05:01This is gonna be fun, right?
00:05:02Mm-hmm.
00:05:04All right.
00:05:04I'm going to bed.
00:05:05Give me a kiss.
00:05:10Um, can I get a better kiss than that?
00:05:20Okay, that's enough.
00:05:22We have to get up early tomorrow.
00:05:25What?
00:05:26Why?
00:05:27We do chores on Sundays.
00:05:28I thought we sleep late and watch football on Sundays.
00:05:32We do not.
00:05:33Sundays for chores.
00:05:35You don't sleep late and watch football.
00:05:37Ever.
00:05:39Ever.
00:05:40Can you turn TV off?
00:05:42Can I leave it on?
00:05:43I'd like to sleep with the TV on.
00:05:44Just turn it off, okay?
00:05:46I'll turn it down real low.
00:05:48In the bathroom light if you're done?
00:05:50Thanks.
00:05:51Um, can we compromise?
00:05:57There it is.
00:05:58Is that good enough for you?
00:05:59Fine.
00:06:01Thank you, thank you, man.
00:06:03So you are now anointed as a single man.
00:06:06in the bathroom.
00:06:09I'll see you later.
00:06:17Hold on.
00:06:41big boys neighborhood it is going down man relationships man do they work are you better
00:06:46off being single we've been talking about it man and we got someone that felt like it was it was
00:06:50so
00:06:51necessary to just come up into the neighborhood and be helped with this problem man now your name
00:06:56is james how you doing james man what's so bad about your relationship james well she is uh the
00:07:04antichrist wow yeah man you want to be careful about dating the antichrist man we heard about
00:07:09that yeah i'm working all righty now so this is what we're going to do you're done so if we
00:07:15call
00:07:15her up is it okay to call her up please so do you want me to handle it because i
00:07:19can handle the
00:07:19breakup for you do y'all live together now that's the that's the issue okay i don't have anywhere
00:07:24else to go unless i can stay with you no no you're not gonna stay with me but i'm gonna
00:07:27do the break
00:07:28up for you but i'm still gonna ask you to leave i still want to live with her though what
00:07:32i still
00:07:33come on now james man just walked in here we could do a blood test are you trying to do
00:07:45like the
00:07:45you want to sleep on our couch yes all right do you want me to tell her that yes okay
00:07:49all right
00:07:49you don't want to be homeless all right all right well do me a favor brother do me a favor
00:07:54if you write down the name her name why are you on the couch
00:08:10because it's softer than the floor
00:08:17must have fell asleep with the tv on
00:08:32what
00:08:34the snoring
00:08:38you uh this tv in the closet and take out the trash please
00:08:59it's chore day
00:09:14is it better to be single
00:09:36it's not full yet yeah well they're still trashing it it still needs to be emptied
00:09:41it's empty it just has one banana peel and some tissue
00:09:47that was gross you spit in my hand last night that wasn't gross to you that was that was fine
00:09:53but this is gross can you just take out the trash and that box needs to go as well please
00:10:13oh my god what is that is it alive no silly it died when i shaved it off my body
00:10:21wow that's disgusting what i haven't shaved in a while i don't know what's the big deal i mean
00:10:26i just thought that since we'd be living together that we'd eventually you know
00:10:34have sex
00:10:48smells so good in here
00:10:51okay all right we'll come in the bathroom when you're done okay
00:10:53okay
00:10:54okay
00:10:56okay
00:11:05okay
00:11:22Here, have some water.
00:11:42It's Sunday, Sunday chore day.
00:11:46Oh, you guys didn't know?
00:11:47Yeah, I didn't know either until last night, just found out, I was kind of planning on watching
00:11:52the game with my friends today, but no, I'm here to see the banana peels out of frickin'
00:11:58trash cans.
00:11:58James, stop!
00:11:59What?
00:12:00No, it's chore day.
00:12:01It's chore day.
00:12:02It's okay, Tony.
00:12:02Yeah, I know it's sad, but don't cry, that's stupid, okay?
00:12:05What we can do is, you can stop crying with the little bitch and go to the store and
00:12:09give me some op and go, and then we can all clean together.
00:12:11How about that?
00:12:13What?
00:12:14James, Tanny's grandmother just died.
00:12:16Shawna and I are trying to console her.
00:12:35Just going slow.
00:12:36What do you got there, pal?
00:12:38Uh...
00:12:38Hey, come on.
00:12:39Come on.
00:12:39Hey.
00:12:41Reds.
00:12:42Reds.
00:12:42What are you doing?
00:12:43What are you doing?
00:13:11She doesn't say bless you when I sneeze.
00:13:13doesn't let me watch TV in bed, and she makes me do chores.
00:13:17She's like an unpleasant, non-seeing Mary Poppins.
00:13:21Mmm, I told you this was gonna happen.
00:13:23And she snores like a velociraptor.
00:13:25And the first night that we spend together, I gotta sleep on the couch because of it.
00:13:29Uh, wait. You've never spent the night together before?
00:13:32Nope. You know, I used to think that she was just being old-fashioned.
00:13:37Now I think that she was just trying to M. Night Shyamalan me.
00:13:41The sucky twisted thing.
00:13:43Ugh. Come over here and help me move this.
00:13:45Babe, we don't need no pine-outs.
00:13:46No, how much are these?
00:13:48Thirty dollars.
00:13:49What are you gonna do in the pine-out?
00:13:50Thirty dollars. That's too much. That's way too much.
00:13:52You came here for something else, you know?
00:13:53What about this? There.
00:13:56Maybe I just need time to work the kinks out.
00:13:59It's too bad you don't have an apartment to go back to.
00:14:02It's too bad people don't like you because your face is ugly.
00:14:04You're married to Miss Piggy, and I'm awesome.
00:14:08Exactly. So we're not broke, okay?
00:14:10No, we are.
00:14:11All right.
00:14:11She doesn't know it. She's living this life that she doesn't know right now.
00:14:13No, we're not broke.
00:14:15Well, this one's $300.
00:14:16Wow.
00:14:16That's $300?
00:14:17But guess what? I'm gonna go.
00:14:20Uh-huh.
00:14:20This guy right here, he's the ring expert.
00:14:22Mr. Tall Guy, we need your help, man.
00:14:24I'm assuming this was your first day.
00:14:25Yeah.
00:14:26You wanna come?
00:14:27Tall Guy! Saved my day.
00:14:29All right, all right.
00:14:30Cool.
00:14:30Thank you, man.
00:14:32Great.
00:14:32Doesn't look like he knows much either.
00:14:34This guy's great.
00:14:36So how much is this one?
00:14:37Which one?
00:14:38This one right here.
00:14:39Oh, no. I don't like that one.
00:14:42How much?
00:14:43It's ugly.
00:14:46It's $300.
00:14:47You are so cheap.
00:14:49Wait till I tell my mother that you bought my engagement ring in a stuffed shop.
00:14:53Okay.
00:14:55So you two lovebirds getting married?
00:14:57Oh, yeah. We just had a baby.
00:15:00You are the father.
00:15:01Mm-hmm.
00:15:02Oh, we're gonna be a family now.
00:15:04Congratulations.
00:15:05Mari can kiss my ass.
00:15:06You shouldn't talk about Mari like that because he's a great guy.
00:15:10Well, he's so great.
00:15:11Why don't you have him be the father of your child, huh?
00:15:13Yeah.
00:15:13Of course you would say that, you would.
00:15:15He's taken, okay?
00:15:17But if I could've chose to have him make love to me in the bathroom stall of Chuck E. Cheese
00:15:20instead of you, I would've.
00:15:21Wow. Whatever.
00:15:22Yeah, whatever.
00:15:24We'll take this one.
00:15:25It's ugly.
00:15:26Well, it matches your face, honey.
00:15:39James and Kim are so perfect strangers.
00:15:44No. More like Laverne and Shirley.
00:15:47More like Mork and Mindy. James, you're so Mindy, by the way.
00:15:50No.
00:15:50We haven't had sex.
00:15:52What?
00:15:53What?
00:15:54What?
00:15:54Dude, so you're living with a girl, that's your girlfriend, and you're not having sex with her?
00:15:59No.
00:16:01She says that she's still feeling me out.
00:16:04I don't get it. What does that mean?
00:16:06Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:16:07Like, I'm a girl and I don't get that.
00:16:09Whatevs, man.
00:16:10You know, you're trying something different.
00:16:11Cool.
00:16:13Thought you were gonna make fun of me.
00:16:16I'm not gonna do that to your face.
00:16:18Yeah, well, at least I got a roof over my head because nobody else would take me in.
00:16:22Dude, if you're gonna live with her, you've got to get the sex thing out of the way.
00:16:27Trust me, sexual tension in your living situation is not gonna make it any more comfortable.
00:16:33But she's not ready, okay? How do I make her ready?
00:16:39Nurture her.
00:16:40What the hell is that? A sex move?
00:16:42No. But it can lead to it.
00:16:48Really?
00:16:53Okay, um, nurture how?
00:17:03Faith.
00:17:04Hey.
00:17:05What up?
00:17:06Did you forget your key?
00:17:08No.
00:17:08Uh, well, yeah, maybe.
00:17:11Yup.
00:17:11I forgot my key.
00:17:12That's what I did.
00:17:14Aw, are those for me?
00:17:15Those?
00:17:16No, no.
00:17:17They are for the best girlfriend in the world.
00:17:21Oh, wait.
00:17:23That is you.
00:17:29Aw.
00:17:31They're beautiful.
00:17:33Well, guess what the best girlfriend in the world did for you today?
00:17:36She put my TV in the bedroom.
00:17:38No.
00:17:39It's so much better than that.
00:17:41Come on, let me show you.
00:17:42What could be better than that?
00:17:43Close your eyes.
00:17:47Okay, open them.
00:17:50Ta-da!
00:17:52Nice, take out.
00:17:53Man, you put it on a good place.
00:17:55No.
00:17:56I cooked it.
00:17:58Nuh-uh.
00:17:59Yeah.
00:18:00I just wanted to make up for the rocky start we had, you know, just make everything perfect.
00:18:05Sorry, Kermie.
00:18:08Yeah, I'm sorry too.
00:18:13I don't think it's our fault though, you know?
00:18:15It's just...
00:18:18It's a crazy situation.
00:18:20Maybe we need to put on some slow music one night and nurture each other a bunch of times.
00:18:26Then we'll be fine.
00:18:30Thanks for cooking me dinner.
00:18:31And thank you for the eight, nine, ten roses.
00:18:39There's only ten roses here?
00:18:41You're welcome.
00:18:42So, I'm not worth a full dozen?
00:18:45Well, no.
00:18:47Nope.
00:18:47I did the math and you only added up to about ten.
00:18:55Sorry.
00:18:58I'm joking.
00:19:00Seriously?
00:19:03Okay.
00:19:04Wow.
00:19:05If it means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow.
00:19:08Then you'll have a dozen.
00:19:10Fine.
00:19:10Fine.
00:19:29You are worse than a rapist!
00:19:36What?
00:19:55Fine.如何.
00:19:58What's
00:19:59happening? It's
00:19:59not all awesome. I'm
00:19:59than a川illa for serious trouble! 시청 to
00:20:03Alright,
00:20:04so if I can get... Hmm...
00:20:08Thanks for
00:20:26real quick man how much for the mannequin head the bald one uh three dollars are you selling like
00:20:33faulty mannequin heads i've never seen one that cheap how how can be faulty it's a mannequin
00:20:39i'm just trying to buy a mannequin here that's all i don't i don't need an attitude behind it i'm
00:20:43just i saw him from outside i'm into it i i i have a thing about demanding that's my business
00:20:49okay i'm
00:20:49trying i'm trying to give you money you can have it for five what is your problem what's the attitude
00:20:54about man no attitude i'm sensing attitude uh uh sorry man i just i got some things going on geez
00:21:05what what things you need to get some stuff off your chest you want to talk about it before you
00:21:08make a sale i got i got some girl problems what kind of girl problems what are your problems really
00:21:14i
00:21:14don't think i should go into it i don't think i needed to explain why i wanted the mannequin head
00:21:18but i had to okay all right got this girl i want to break up with her she's crazy tell
00:21:24you what you
00:21:24do next time she eats bacon shit on her piece shit shit on a piece of bacon you know what
00:21:31that's
00:21:31going to do what's going to show a different side of you she's never seen that side okay then she's
00:21:36going to say why you shit on my bacon when you say why you shit on my bacon say because
00:21:39i wanted to
00:21:40i'm a man i do what the hell i want in this household no you won't you won't shit on
00:21:44my bacon
00:21:44problem i'm done i'm not going to deal with a woman that goes back and forth with me leave you're
00:21:49out
00:21:49you see what i'm saying shit on the bacon shit on the bacon homie i know what i'm talking about
00:21:53i've been with women for years okay and if that doesn't work though what should i do there's no
00:21:59reason why it shouldn't work how many times you shitting on somebody's bacon none exactly so how do
00:22:04you know it doesn't work i don't exactly shit on the bacon man that's your problem you ask too many
00:22:09questions if i can't produce the shit then wait till you gotta shit and then cook the bacon okay all
00:22:15right
00:22:15all right i see why she's crazy why can i get the mannequin hit man that's it dude i don't
00:22:24took time
00:22:24out of my life to drop some science on you i don't have time here you go here you go
00:22:30see why you don't
00:22:31have a good business here see why you don't have a business hey you you're going to go good with
00:22:41the
00:22:41rest of them trust you i don't call you asshole let's take it you sure yeah thank you say bye
00:22:53her name's charlene
00:22:54i don't have any more
00:23:08maybe you'll think well maybe
00:23:15maybe my heart won't make resist maybe my heart won't see it through
00:23:23i wasn't mentioned
00:23:28i'm
00:23:29and i wonder if
00:23:36i should up and quit
00:23:40i'm rolling rolling rolling
00:23:43my heart around the way
00:23:48rolling rolling rolling
00:23:50Life is kicking me down again
00:23:57Kermie! Wake up! Breakfast in bed!
00:24:21Why are you dancing?
00:24:23My daddy's coming over for dinner tonight
00:24:26I thought he was in Spain
00:24:27Barcelona, but he just got back last night and he's coming over today
00:24:31So you, mister, need to eat your breakfast
00:24:34Because you have a big day ahead of you
00:24:37Oh, and I like your beer
00:24:38I like it, I like it, I like it
00:24:51What is this?
00:24:52Bacon
00:24:53Bacon
00:24:53It's fake bacon
00:24:55Shit on the bacon, homie
00:24:56My dad's a vegetarian, so
00:24:58I like real bacon though
00:24:59Well, you don't need real bacon anymore
00:25:01Because there's fake bacon
00:25:02Oh, and those are some, I can't believe it's not sausage
00:25:05Sausage
00:25:06But I like to call it fausage
00:25:09Try some, come on, try it
00:25:18Pulp?
00:25:18I hate pulp
00:25:21I thought you liked pulp
00:25:23I don't
00:25:32Okay
00:25:40It's chewy
00:25:41Good, right?
00:25:43No
00:25:49Chub, chub, chub, chub, chub, chub, chub, chub, yeah!
00:25:58I was sleeping in the pink room last night.
00:26:01Pinky and the brain.
00:26:02Shut up!
00:26:04What's wrong with you?
00:26:05Not in the mood.
00:26:08Yeah.
00:26:19I'll give you 100 for it. 82 in cash and the rest in quarters.
00:26:24Get out of here, Scoop.
00:26:26Come on, dude. You don't even like baseball anymore.
00:26:30Doesn't matter. It's my card. I can do what I want.
00:26:33Then why even keep it in the case if you're not gonna sell it?
00:26:36Oh, I'm not gonna sell it to you. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna sell it to somebody else.
00:26:39You're just mad because the Orioles are the worst team in baseball.
00:26:43You're the worst team in baseball.
00:26:44You're ugly.
00:26:45You're a virgin. Way worse than being ugly.
00:26:47Completely irrelevant.
00:26:49I sucked a boob.
00:26:50A boob?
00:26:51Yeah, probably.
00:26:53You were also eating baby food at the time, right?
00:26:55No, I suck boobs all the time.
00:26:56I'm a suck machine.
00:26:58Shouldn't you, uh, be off somewhere doing homework in your suit?
00:27:02Why are you wearing a suit?
00:27:04I had a presentation at school today.
00:27:06Did you present how much of a suck machine you are to the class?
00:27:09God, you're such a douche.
00:27:11Emphasis on the duh.
00:27:12You're a suck machine. Emphasis on the balls that you suck.
00:27:16Boobs.
00:27:17Balls.
00:27:18I'm coming back.
00:27:26I want a pawn this engagement ring, please.
00:27:31That's a big rock.
00:27:34How much do you want for it?
00:27:36It doesn't even matter.
00:27:37I can't stand looking at it anymore.
00:27:39I want to get rid of it.
00:27:39Well, this isn't a pawn shop, but I'll give you a dollar for it.
00:27:44What?
00:27:44That worthless jerk.
00:27:46No, no, no.
00:27:46It's fake, isn't it?
00:27:47Is it fake?
00:27:48He means one dollar for every tear he made you cry, and that still wouldn't be enough.
00:27:55That's sweet.
00:27:56I know your pain.
00:27:57You don't even have to tell me what happened, because I know.
00:28:00And somehow I feel sorry.
00:28:03You know, what kind of world do we live in where a beautiful creature like yourself gets
00:28:08her heart broken?
00:28:10Let me guess.
00:28:10By what?
00:28:11Professional athlete?
00:28:13Am I right?
00:28:14Yeah, football.
00:28:15I knew it.
00:28:17It's amazing.
00:28:18Don't ask me how I know.
00:28:19I just know these things.
00:28:20You know, you must be psychic, or like, you must have some kind of connection.
00:28:26You feel it too?
00:28:31You know, I don't know what I'm going to do.
00:28:34I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.
00:28:36Don't cry.
00:28:36No.
00:28:37I feel so betrayed.
00:28:39And you should.
00:28:40You know what?
00:28:40I will never do that to you.
00:28:41You know why?
00:28:42Because it's not because I don't have the options, you know, to lead to those problems.
00:28:46It's because I don't have the money that those options have.
00:28:50That is so sweet.
00:28:53I'm going to take you out.
00:28:54And we're not going to care about whatever that basketball player did to you.
00:28:58Football.
00:28:59Football, basketball, whatever that barely passing the SAT chump did.
00:29:03We're not even going to think about them.
00:29:04Okay?
00:29:04Because I don't play games.
00:29:05Unless it's Connect Four.
00:29:07And I will never play Connect Four with your heart.
00:29:12No.
00:29:12You know, maybe that is exactly what I need.
00:29:16A fat old poor man with a really good heart.
00:29:22Yeah, maybe.
00:29:24You know, this is turning out to be a real serendipitous day.
00:29:28I mean, wow, like my life is changing.
00:29:31You know, I'm going to change because you've inspired me.
00:29:36Can I inspire you for your name?
00:29:39My name is Sandy.
00:29:41Hello, Sandy.
00:29:42Hello, Sandy.
00:29:43I'm Carvelle.
00:29:45And that's James.
00:29:47I'm going to take this ring from you, okay?
00:29:51Okay.
00:29:52You know, because love is more important than a ring anyway.
00:29:57It is.
00:29:58Can I just trouble you for your phone number?
00:30:01I was going to go out if I don't have your number, you know?
00:30:04Hey, Sandy.
00:30:06That's my area goal.
00:30:07You're going to have so much fun.
00:30:12You know what I'm going to do?
00:30:14Give me a receipt.
00:30:15Hold on.
00:30:16I'll get this to you right there.
00:30:18Receipt.
00:30:21You take this.
00:30:22Guess what that is.
00:30:23It's my heart.
00:30:26Oh.
00:30:26Be gentle.
00:30:28Be gentle.
00:30:28That is...
00:30:29You know, you are the most adorable grown man I have ever, ever met.
00:30:37You're like a little boy in a big old body.
00:30:41I'm trapped.
00:30:42I'm trapped.
00:30:43Get me out.
00:30:45I'm trapped.
00:30:45Get me out.
00:30:46I'm trapped.
00:30:47Get me out.
00:30:47Get me out.
00:30:48Bye, Sandy.
00:30:50Bye.
00:30:51Bye.
00:30:52You're going to get your pocket.
00:30:54Bye.
00:30:56Bye.
00:30:56Bye.
00:30:57Bye.
00:30:57I'm trapped.
00:30:58I can't get out.
00:31:00Yeah.
00:31:01Nurture.
00:31:02Boom.
00:31:02That's how you do it.
00:31:03Am.
00:31:04You close.
00:31:04You get in.
00:31:05Bow.
00:31:11You close.
00:31:12You close.
00:31:28You close.
00:31:30You close.
00:31:31You close.
00:31:32You close.
00:31:33You close.
00:31:35You close.
00:31:35You close.
00:31:36You close.
00:31:37You close.
00:31:38You close.
00:31:38You close.
00:31:38You close.
00:31:39You close.
00:31:39You close.
00:31:58Hey, James, could you close up for me tonight?
00:32:00I gotta go to the mall before it closes.
00:32:03I'm gonna go to a dinner club with Jeff tonight,
00:32:05and if I run late, he calls the police station
00:32:08and reports me missing.
00:32:10Wow.
00:32:11Thanks.
00:32:11What are you gonna do tonight?
00:32:13I am having dinner with Kim and her father,
00:32:16who I never met before.
00:32:18Wow.
00:32:20Mm-mm, not excited about it.
00:32:22Well, look on the bright side.
00:32:24I mean, if Father of the Bride approves,
00:32:26you know, you're in there, man.
00:32:29You're part of the fam.
00:32:30I don't want to be part of any family.
00:32:33All right, well, good luck.
00:32:35Bad luck.
00:32:40Hey, loser!
00:32:44Still no on the card, Scoop.
00:32:47Trade!
00:32:48No, no trades.
00:32:50Come on, you bad catcher.
00:32:51I'll give you twice what the card's worth.
00:32:53Twice ain't enough, okay?
00:32:54Get out of here.
00:32:55You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
00:32:58Or week.
00:32:59Biggest mistake of your week.
00:33:02Okay.
00:33:03You really want that card?
00:33:05Are boobs made for sucking?
00:33:08Fine.
00:33:12Give me your soul.
00:33:13My what?
00:33:14Your soul.
00:33:16My soul.
00:33:18Yep.
00:33:19I don't understand.
00:33:21Well, why?
00:33:22What do you need my soul for?
00:33:24Come here.
00:33:24It's really...
00:33:25I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:33:29Sam, what's going on?
00:33:30Give me your soul,
00:33:32and I'll give you this card.
00:33:36All or half?
00:33:38Oh.
00:33:38Who the hell want to have a soul?
00:33:43Okay.
00:33:45All right, deal.
00:33:47Wow.
00:33:48Really?
00:33:48That easy?
00:33:49Yeah.
00:33:50That card's worth a soul.
00:33:52And besides,
00:33:53rappers do it all the time.
00:33:55Yeah, but rappers sell their soul for money and bitches.
00:33:58Not baseball cards.
00:34:01What are you saying?
00:34:02I'm saying go home right now,
00:34:03and I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your soul for a baseball card.
00:34:06But I just...
00:34:08I...
00:34:09I just...
00:34:10But...
00:34:11Go.
00:34:13What?
00:34:14What?
00:34:15Yeah.
00:34:16That's a...
00:34:16Yeah.
00:34:17Go!
00:34:21Oh.
00:34:28Yeah.
00:34:38Hmm.
00:34:40Oh.
00:34:46Oh.
00:34:47No.
00:34:48James.
00:34:51Please don't call me that. I had a teacher named Mr. James. Didn't like him very much.
00:34:57You can call me James.
00:34:58You got something against teachers.
00:35:01No, no. I like teachers.
00:35:04Because they're for the kids and I love kids.
00:35:08Not in a sexual way though.
00:35:10You know, like platonic love.
00:35:18Are you having sex with my daughter?
00:35:21You guys ready for some fosage?
00:35:32So, Mr. Sweet, what were you doing in Barcelona?
00:35:37I saw this movie called Vicky and Cristina Barcelona.
00:35:40Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
00:35:41It's about a gentleman who has a threesome with two beautiful women.
00:35:45I thought I could get lucky.
00:35:46Uno. Dos. Tres.
00:35:51Today's.
00:35:52Correctamundo.
00:35:53Well, did you get lucky?
00:35:56No.
00:35:57Unless you consider a foursome lucky.
00:36:02You're kidding, right?
00:36:06He's kidding.
00:36:10So is that why they call you Mr. Sweet?
00:36:12I thought your last name was Johnson.
00:36:14It is.
00:36:15But let's just say long rather short.
00:36:18I killed a man with a candy cane.
00:36:25Why aren't you just kill him with kindness?
00:36:28Less blood that way.
00:36:30You know, you being a vegetarian and all.
00:36:34I don't mind blood.
00:36:35Yeah, I don't mind blood either.
00:36:38The more blood the better, I say.
00:36:39You say that.
00:36:42I said it just now.
00:36:44Might say it again one day.
00:36:47You ever killed a woman James?
00:36:52Cheers!
00:36:52Cheers!
00:36:56TIP!
00:36:57TIP!
00:36:58TIP!
00:37:00TIP!
00:37:01TIP!
00:37:02TIP!
00:37:02TIP!
00:37:06TIP!
00:37:26You look so vulnerable when you're asleep.
00:37:29Vulnerable as in what?
00:37:31Easy to kill?
00:37:33No, easy to love.
00:37:36I feel like I have your heart right here in my hand.
00:37:39Like I just ripped it out of your chest.
00:37:41And it's right here, just beating.
00:37:44Bump bump.
00:37:46Bump bump.
00:37:47Bump bump.
00:37:49It's not love, it's the temple of doom.
00:37:53Okay, so it's our love temple.
00:37:56And we'd be doomed without each other.
00:37:58I'm not worth a full dozen.
00:37:59Eight, nine, ten...
00:38:03Can't...
00:38:04Rapist!
00:38:05I think I should tell you something before this goes any further.
00:38:08What is it?
00:38:11Uh...
00:38:13I don't love you.
00:38:16I just kind of like you a little bit.
00:38:18That's okay.
00:38:19That's okay.
00:38:20You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:22But I'm not afraid of it.
00:38:25I'm afraid of you.
00:38:29And the crazy way you're talking right now.
00:38:32I'm just crazy in love, James.
00:38:35We're gonna be together forever.
00:38:39Uh, we don't wanna be together.
00:38:42I do.
00:38:43I don't.
00:38:45I do.
00:38:46I do.
00:38:48I do.
00:38:50I do.
00:38:51I do.
00:39:04I do.
00:39:06Do you have respect for it?
00:39:06federalization?
00:39:14No.
00:39:17What?
00:39:18Is it too hot?
00:39:19Huh!
00:39:21Puh!
00:39:27Puh!
00:39:28is it just so good you can't keep it in your mouth no just just what
00:39:35honestly you really want to know honestly it tastes like like actual
00:39:43shit like you put a spoonful of in my oatmeal and mix it around
00:39:48you don't have to be afraid afraid that you might have put
00:39:55shit in my oatmeal but you wouldn't do that no you wouldn't you wouldn't put animal or
00:40:02human feces in my oatmeal would you
00:40:07that's right james
00:40:10shit
00:40:13why would you do that that's what our relationship is going to taste like if we don't commit to making
00:40:17the best it can be right now seriously kim what did you put in there i'm just gonna have to
00:40:22be more
00:40:22proactive with my efforts so are you saying that i just said in my mouth really wow you know what
00:40:28shit i'm glad we had this talk
00:40:37break up break up i mean if you if that's what you want you can totally do that you know
00:40:44we'll
00:40:44obviously still be roommates though we'll still live together of course
00:40:52you know what i think i'm done feeling you out what does that mean
00:41:01i'm gonna see right there okay okay so there's 88 keys what's the rapper name
00:41:0688 all right but this is a piano so okay there's at the middle of it cool right there okay
00:41:12so you
00:41:13can put your hand here and there's an octave so you an octave is eight okay okay right here so
00:41:21see the
00:41:37is
00:41:51oh wait don't don't think just
00:41:51I'm gonna put it right there.
00:41:53This weekend.
00:41:54Very well.
00:41:55Ew.
00:41:55That's disgusting.
00:41:56That's really good.
00:41:58Why is he making that noise?
00:42:00Wait.
00:42:00No, no, no.
00:42:01Don't touch me right there.
00:42:02Don't touch me right there.
00:42:06He's losing the battle.
00:42:09How long was that?
00:42:1010 minutes?
00:42:10He's done.
00:42:15Oh, by the way, we have to be at Shawna's at 8,
00:42:18so I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:42:20But...
00:42:24Hey.
00:42:27Hey.
00:42:28Wait.
00:42:29Kim.
00:42:31Kim.
00:42:33Kim.
00:42:34What?
00:42:34What's going on?
00:42:36Thought we were still gonna talk about breaking up.
00:42:38No.
00:42:39What do you mean, no?
00:42:40No, I don't wanna break up.
00:42:41Why not?
00:42:42Because I just gave you my born-again virginity.
00:42:45Born-again virginity?
00:42:46Yes.
00:42:47What is that?
00:42:47After every relationship, I get born again.
00:42:50What is that?
00:42:51Like, formatting your hard drive?
00:42:53Yeah, I guess so.
00:42:55Well, I still think we should break up.
00:43:00Honestly?
00:43:03Yeah.
00:43:06What?
00:43:07Oh, my God.
00:43:08Oh, my God.
00:43:11Oh, my God.
00:43:15That's the one I just gave you?
00:43:18Oh, gosh.
00:43:20No.
00:43:21Kim.
00:43:22No.
00:43:22No.
00:43:22No.
00:43:23No.
00:43:25No.
00:43:26No.
00:43:27No.
00:43:28No.
00:43:30No.
00:43:31No.
00:43:31No.
00:43:32No.
00:43:34No.
00:43:37It's gonna suck so much when you die.
00:43:42Excuse me?
00:43:43What?
00:43:44I never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:43:49They lived happily ever after?
00:43:52They all disappeared.
00:43:55Maybe they're just hiding from you.
00:43:57Maybe someone killed them and then chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces.
00:44:07What's that crazy look in your eyes?
00:44:09It's love, James.
00:44:10It's the same love that made my mother die from loneliness.
00:44:1580 proof loneliness.
00:44:18But alcohol...
00:44:21Alcohol isn't the answer, James.
00:44:24What's the, uh, what's the answer?
00:44:30Straight up street violence.
00:44:35I'm joking.
00:44:36I can't, I can't hear you.
00:44:38I was joking.
00:44:40You're joking?
00:44:41You're joking.
00:44:43You're joking?
00:44:44Oh my God!
00:44:45You just saved your life!
00:44:48You have no idea.
00:44:50From now on I'm not gonna take anything you say seriously.
00:44:54You're always joking, you are always joking.
00:44:56Joking! Joking! Joking!
00:45:01That's all.
00:45:02Okay. Well, okay, well, I'll bring you a different shirt later.
00:45:05I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:45:07Okay.
00:45:07Alright, I love you.
00:45:09I miss you.
00:45:20This is all your fault, you know that?
00:45:23Straight up street violence.
00:45:25If you had ovaries, I'd be afraid for your future children.
00:45:28If you had any heart, you would've came and smacked her around a little bit.
00:45:32Now, look, what I need is to get out of this relationship without the occurrence of any physical confrontation.
00:45:40That's all I need.
00:45:41Dude, you need an exit strategy.
00:45:43Because unless Osama bin Laden is hiding in that girl's vajayjay, you gotta get away.
00:45:48Am I right?
00:45:49You're right.
00:45:50I need to bring the troops home.
00:45:51Bring them home.
00:45:52And by troops, I mean my manhood.
00:45:54Exactly.
00:45:55Hold on, wait.
00:45:56Do you guys hear that?
00:45:56What?
00:45:57That's the sound of brain cells dying because that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
00:46:02Whatever.
00:46:03You guys are being dumbasses.
00:46:04Whatever.
00:46:04You listen to her, you listen to me.
00:46:07It's your choice.
00:46:11Okay.
00:46:17What?
00:46:19Nothing.
00:46:20I just imagined you saying that you were thinking about what our kids would look like.
00:46:26You imagined me saying that.
00:46:28Mm-hmm.
00:46:29And our wedding too.
00:46:31You said you wanted all of our families to be there.
00:46:33All of our friends will accept Carville.
00:46:35And then you said we'd go to Paris and make love under the Eiffel Tower.
00:46:39And then go to Barcelona and embrace under every landmark for 15 minutes.
00:46:43And then you whispered in my ear, I want to have you inside of me.
00:46:48And I was like, what?
00:46:50That's impossible.
00:46:52And you were like, I know that's impossible, but I still want it.
00:46:56I just love your soul.
00:47:00Aw.
00:47:01You can be so romantic sometimes.
00:47:04You know, imagining me saying something doesn't really count as me saying it, right?
00:47:10Okay.
00:47:11Oh.
00:47:12I did good with one.
00:47:14Oh, you know what?
00:47:15James.
00:47:15James can help you.
00:47:16James.
00:47:17Oh.
00:47:17Come on, help Shawna get the china globes up here.
00:47:20Okay?
00:47:21Yeah, he'll help you.
00:47:21He's taller than I can do that.
00:47:22Perfect.
00:47:22Good, good, good.
00:47:23And then what about our candles?
00:47:25The candles, you know what?
00:47:26I was thinking about doing...
00:47:28I don't know.
00:47:28What do you think?
00:47:29I think so.
00:47:30I think, okay, that's a good idea for the pool.
00:47:32But you also might want to get some tea candles, like the really small ones.
00:47:34Oh, that's romantic.
00:47:35To set the table.
00:47:36You know what I mean?
00:47:36Very romantic.
00:47:37Nice with like the sun going down and everything.
00:47:39Maybe we can get James to help kind of clean some of this stuff out of the pool.
00:47:42Yeah, he can do that.
00:47:42I haven't gotten around to it.
00:47:43He can take care of that.
00:47:44That's what he's here for.
00:47:45Good, good.
00:47:46The more, the merrier.
00:47:47Yeah, so these need to go up here.
00:47:49People are out with that.
00:47:50They'll be good.
00:47:51I'm so excited to get those up.
00:47:52I know.
00:47:52I've been wanting to get those up forever.
00:47:54Yeah, if you could just, you know, kind of...
00:47:56You're tall.
00:47:57I'll just...
00:47:59There's only two.
00:48:00That's the last time for a toast.
00:48:03One, two, three.
00:48:04Come on, get it out.
00:48:05Come on, get it out there.
00:48:07Mmm.
00:48:07I love that.
00:48:08Little tipsy.
00:48:10You guys are my heroes.
00:48:12I want to come here every week because I love each and every one of your faces.
00:48:15As you should.
00:48:15And that's not the rum talking.
00:48:17As you should.
00:48:17That's this guy talking.
00:48:18That's right.
00:48:19Ooh, yeah.
00:48:21I didn't think I liked you at first, but...
00:48:23Well, it was the best thing.
00:48:25It was the best thing.
00:48:26No, but you have grown on me, my friend.
00:48:29You guys like the shirt that I bought today?
00:48:31I knew you picked that out.
00:48:33You have such great taste.
00:48:34I know.
00:48:35That's beautiful and purple.
00:48:37Yes, we are.
00:48:38We picked out our outfits, too.
00:48:40I knew that.
00:48:41Doesn't James look great in pink?
00:48:43Those little purple salt chicken pepper spray.
00:48:45We're wearing pink together.
00:48:48Oh, nice.
00:48:49Oh, my gosh.
00:48:51The tequila melts it so hard.
00:48:53I know.
00:48:53Or is it vodka or rum?
00:48:54I can't remember what.
00:48:55We've had it all.
00:48:56We don't remember.
00:48:58It doesn't matter.
00:48:58It's good.
00:48:59He's getting the job done.
00:49:00Yeah.
00:49:00He might need to be cut off, actually.
00:49:02All right.
00:49:03Oh, come on.
00:49:03This is a little special punch.
00:49:06No, no, no, no.
00:49:08You work hard.
00:49:08Walk on before.
00:49:09No, you're not.
00:49:10No, you're not.
00:49:11When you work hard all week, you deserve it.
00:49:13No, I'm...
00:49:15I agree.
00:49:16I agree.
00:49:17I will sleep here.
00:49:18I will sleep on a raft in the pool.
00:49:19No, no, we will not.
00:49:20I want to go home tonight.
00:49:22I will sleep in the pool.
00:49:23No, no, no, no.
00:49:24PlayStation.
00:49:25Me and you.
00:49:25PlayStation next week on it.
00:49:27PlayStation!
00:49:28Oh, yeah, we got a game night.
00:49:30PlayStation.
00:49:31Let's do it.
00:49:32Come on, James.
00:49:33PlayStation.
00:49:34We don't know.
00:49:35James, do you need another drink there, man?
00:49:36You look good on pink.
00:49:38Doesn't he?
00:49:38That's what I tell him all the time.
00:49:39He needs to wear more pink.
00:49:41So we can match together.
00:49:44Hey!
00:49:46What a country.
00:49:48That's horrible.
00:49:49Why are you guys saying?
00:49:51All right, Ronnie's having a good time.
00:49:56All right, all right, I'll cheers to that.
00:50:08I'm out.
00:50:12Is he joking?
00:50:13Was he upset?
00:50:15I think it might have been a tequila.
00:50:17He left his shoes.
00:50:20Uh...
00:50:21I mean...
00:50:34Again, when I stormed out of the party back there,
00:50:40I wasn't storming out of our relationship.
00:50:47You know?
00:50:50Just the party.
00:50:53We're still cool, right?
00:51:00I mean, you're worried about everybody that you're tweeting and BBM,
00:51:04and they're not even your friends in real life.
00:51:06Like, duh. Come on.
00:51:08I'm jealous.
00:51:09You're so cute right now. You're jealous.
00:51:13Right, right.
00:51:14I have so many followers.
00:51:27I don't get it. Like, follow you where? What is that?
00:51:31You're a Quaker.
00:51:32Right, I'm a Quaker, and you're a techno whore.
00:51:34Stuff shop, this is Leona.
00:51:37Now that is the posture of a guy with no whipped cream in his chocolate pudding.
00:51:42What are you doing?
00:51:42Back door was open.
00:51:44Get out. You're not getting that card scoop.
00:51:47Whoa, whoa, hey.
00:51:48Get out.
00:51:48Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time here.
00:51:50I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:51:53What situation?
00:51:54That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:51:57Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:52:00Get out.
00:52:00Hey, I can help you out. I can get her to break up with you.
00:52:04Get out.
00:52:05Come on, dude. I don't have any after school activities.
00:52:12Well, she wouldn't break up on me anyway. Why would she do that?
00:52:15Girls do it all the time.
00:52:17They, they break up with a guy that they thought was The One
00:52:21just as soon as they find out that he's not The One.
00:52:25So all we gotta do is convince her that you're not The One.
00:52:39Honey, I'm home.
00:52:41You're late.
00:52:46What happened to you?
00:52:48I went to a strip club after work and sucked some boobs and got a lap dance.
00:52:55Couple lap dances.
00:53:01Oops.
00:53:03Wow.
00:53:04Busted.
00:53:05What is that?
00:53:06Looks like I've been having safe sex.
00:53:10A lot of it, too.
00:53:11And don't be fooled by just the one condom.
00:53:13I used a lot of them.
00:53:15Some I used twice.
00:53:16I doubled up.
00:53:18You don't believe me?
00:53:23You're such a bad liar.
00:53:27That's good, though.
00:53:28That's a good quality to have on a spouse.
00:53:30I'm not lying.
00:53:33I, uh, I had sex.
00:53:35With a stripper.
00:53:37In the strip club.
00:53:38What was the stripper's name?
00:53:42Strawberry?
00:53:42Strawberry?
00:53:43Banana?
00:53:45Yogurt?
00:53:47Was her best friend there?
00:53:48Rainbow Sherbert?
00:53:51Or was it mint chocolate chip?
00:54:01Man, what?
00:54:02I love strawberry banana yogurt.
00:54:04That's all I could think of.
00:54:06Your favorite dessert is all you could think of?
00:54:08Well, at least you didn't say, like, uh, rainbow sherbet.
00:54:11Or mint chocolate chip.
00:54:12You should have said, like, cinnamon or, like, peaches and cream.
00:54:16Ooh, peaches and cream.
00:54:17That sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers, though.
00:54:20Like, Batman and Robin.
00:54:22Peaches and cream.
00:54:23Dude, crime-fighting strippers.
00:54:25Oh, my God.
00:54:26That could be like a TV show.
00:54:27Like, peaches and cream.
00:54:28Coming up next on HBO.
00:54:30That'd be a hot TV show.
00:54:31Yeah.
00:54:31I would love it.
00:54:33Oh, my God.
00:54:35Your boyfriend.
00:54:37Yo, office, now.
00:54:38That little stunt you had me pull?
00:54:39Didn't work.
00:54:40She didn't believe me.
00:54:41Did you pull the empty condom wrapper trick?
00:54:43This is bad.
00:54:46It's interesting.
00:54:47It's not interesting.
00:54:48It's bad, okay?
00:54:50I'm getting my advice from a kid.
00:54:52A suck machine.
00:54:54Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:54:54Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:54:55The first thing I learned from watching Gossip Girls is that women are irrational.
00:54:59Big word.
00:55:00Can you spell it?
00:55:02And when dealing with irrational people, you have to be even more irrational.
00:55:07You gotta think outside the box.
00:55:10Why don't you think outside the store?
00:55:14Well, if it's gonna be a problem, then I'll just have to take my services elsewhere.
00:55:20You should do that.
00:55:23I-R-R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L.
00:55:26Nice.
00:55:36You watch Gossip Girls?
00:55:37Yes, I do.
00:55:38And I can help you.
00:55:40You just gotta trust me.
00:55:43But first, I'm gonna need that Kyle Ripken Jr. rookie card.
00:55:45No way.
00:55:46Mm-mm.
00:55:50I've got this.
00:55:51I've got this.
00:55:53I've got this.
00:56:02I'm gonna need it.
00:56:06It's so cold.
00:56:07I don't know.
00:56:08And then we're gonna need it.
00:56:08We've got this cold.
00:56:09If we take our phone yet, we'll need it.
00:56:13We're going to need it.
00:56:13That's just a cold.
00:56:18Oh my gosh.
00:56:20Hi.
00:56:21Hi.
00:56:21Hi.
00:56:21Hi.
00:56:21Hi.
00:56:22How's it going?
00:56:22Hey.
00:56:23Hey.
00:56:25Dad.
00:56:25You're just in time to get your nails done.
00:56:29What's this?
00:56:30This is Yenny.
00:56:34Apparently, I'm her new mother.
00:56:36Her old one was killed in a freak hyena and a wolverine attack.
00:56:41And a barracuda.
00:56:42And a barracuda.
00:56:43Wow, that is so heartbreaking.
00:56:45I don't get it.
00:56:46Is this some kind of joke or something?
00:56:48What?
00:56:49You mean you don't remember impregnating a girl when you were 12 years old?
00:56:55Oh.
00:56:58Yes.
00:57:00Wow.
00:57:01I was 13.
00:57:03Why don't you come join us on the couch?
00:57:05Sit on down.
00:57:09You must be tired from working all day.
00:57:11Yes.
00:57:12Long day.
00:57:13You can get a little closer.
00:57:16We won't bite you.
00:57:17Okay.
00:57:20She looks just like me.
00:57:22That's what everybody...
00:57:23She's got resemblance.
00:57:24Wow.
00:57:27So...
00:57:29Yenny is your name?
00:57:31Dad.
00:57:32You know my name.
00:57:33Stop it.
00:57:34Don't go here.
00:57:36You're going to have to...
00:57:38You're going to have to move in with us.
00:57:40Yeah.
00:57:41Right?
00:57:41Okay.
00:57:42Yep.
00:57:42And since I won't be around, you're going to be her new mommy.
00:57:45How about that?
00:57:46Kim?
00:57:47Of course.
00:57:48What?
00:57:49James, I've always wanted to have your children.
00:57:51I mean, I didn't know it was going to be so soon.
00:57:55That hurt.
00:57:56But, um...
00:57:58Of course I'll help you raise your daughter.
00:58:03Okay.
00:58:05What?
00:58:10Okay, um...
00:58:11This is awkward.
00:58:12I can't, like, really be your daughter because I kind of have a mother already.
00:58:16Yeah.
00:58:17Um...
00:58:18And if I don't get home before curfew, she's going to be pissed.
00:58:25I tried, okay?
00:58:26Sorry.
00:58:27Really?
00:58:27A barracuda?
00:58:29Scoop said you would pay me.
00:58:30Do you even know what a barracuda is?
00:58:32That's not the point, okay?
00:58:33They attack all the time.
00:58:34How much?
00:58:35Fifty bucks.
00:58:36Oh my god.
00:58:37You know, because that's the price of my Justin Bieber tickets.
00:58:40You're a little scam artist, I'm sure.
00:58:42Whose mom gets eaten by a barracuda, really?
00:58:45It could happen.
00:58:46It could totally happen.
00:58:49This better be a snack, too.
00:58:53You're doing your dirty work.
00:58:55Kind of.
00:58:58That's all I got.
00:59:00Here, take this.
00:59:02Take it.
00:59:03Get out of here.
00:59:04Dude, I don't do piggy banks.
00:59:07Keep it.
00:59:11Thanks for the snack.
00:59:12Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.
00:59:15Well, I guess I'll just let myself out.
00:59:17Scoop.
00:59:26Uh...
00:59:28What was that?
00:59:30Crazy people.
00:59:31Don't let crazy people in the house, man.
00:59:35She could've ex-murdered both of us.
00:59:37Tails, we break up.
00:59:38Heads, we stay together.
00:59:41Heads.
00:59:43We're together forever.
00:59:50How about best two out of three?
00:59:52Nope.
00:59:54I said no!
00:59:59It's heads.
01:00:00Shit.
01:00:03You are never getting that Coworking Junior Rookie card.
01:00:05Never.
01:00:05Dude, chill out.
01:00:06No, I will not chill out.
01:00:08Okay?
01:00:08You douchebag.
01:00:10Okay.
01:00:11Look, I heard about what happened last night.
01:00:13I'm sorry, okay?
01:00:15I'm sure that was gonna work.
01:00:16Yeah, and you owe me 50 bucks for that.
01:00:18Okay.
01:00:18You suckbitch.
01:00:19This is all just part of a trial and error.
01:00:22Now we know what doesn't work, and now we can fix out what does.
01:00:25Your schemes?
01:00:26I'm done with them.
01:00:27They don't work.
01:00:28Okay?
01:00:28I'm giving up.
01:00:33I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:36You're really giving up?
01:00:40Guys like us don't give up.
01:00:42I mean, where would Middle Earth have been if Frodo and his friends just gave up?
01:00:46What sort of country would we live in if Jack Bauer didn't defend countless terrorist attacks on American soil?
01:00:52You can't give up, man.
01:00:54Because if you do, all those crazy women running around who should be in mental institutions, but they're just so
01:01:02frickin' hot that they're just not, they're just gonna have another win.
01:01:09We gotta teach these crazy hot chicks a lesson.
01:01:11Amen.
01:01:12You gotta hang in there, man.
01:01:14I don't know what to do.
01:01:16Dude, okay, I got a plan.
01:01:19It's a little risky, but I think it'll work.
01:01:27Crazy bitches.
01:01:30Crazy bitches.
01:01:38Crazy bitches.
01:01:39Yes!
01:01:43Reverse psychology.
01:01:45Reverse psychology.
01:01:46It has to be like the worst proposal of all time.
01:01:49Genius.
01:01:50All time.
01:01:51Don't listen to them.
01:01:53Why not?
01:01:53Because what if she says yes?
01:01:56She's not gonna say yes because it's gonna be a crap proposal.
01:01:59No, that's crazy.
01:02:01Look, why don't you just talk with her.
01:02:04Be honest.
01:02:04Tell her how you feel.
01:02:06That would be gay.
01:02:08Really gay.
01:02:10Yeah, you're right.
01:02:11What are you trying to make us gay with all your gay talk?
01:02:14You guys are being idiots.
01:02:16Stuff shop, this is Leona.
01:02:28Can you untie this?
01:02:31Why?
01:02:33Because I want you to take me.
01:02:37Take you where?
01:02:42No, take my body.
01:02:48No.
01:02:48Can I, can I just take you to the movies instead?
01:02:52No.
01:02:54What are you doing?
01:02:56I want to take your body.
01:02:57I want to take it just a little bit.
01:02:59No, it's my turn of the month.
01:03:01I can't do that.
01:03:02Come on, you.
01:03:03Make me feel like a woman.
01:03:05I think we should break up.
01:03:07I think you should break up with me.
01:03:08Why would I want to do that?
01:03:09You're the biggest boy forever.
01:03:12Thanks, but I don't want to be that few.
01:03:13You're the biggie.
01:03:15Those are the little carpet.
01:03:17Come on, Kim.
01:03:18We're not compatible.
01:03:20Better people aren't supposed to mate.
01:03:22Answer me.
01:03:23Right now.
01:03:24No, Kim.
01:03:25No.
01:03:26Why not?
01:03:27Because.
01:03:28Because what?
01:03:29Because, Kim.
01:03:33Because we have to get married.
01:03:36Right?
01:03:38Did you say married?
01:03:40Yeah.
01:03:42I did.
01:03:51Hi.
01:03:52Is Leona here?
01:03:53Leona.
01:03:57Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:03:59Yes.
01:04:01It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:04:04Sure.
01:04:05In the neighborhood?
01:04:06I guess.
01:04:08Can I ask you a question?
01:04:11Yeah.
01:04:13How does it feel to be so old?
01:04:15Dating somebody so young?
01:04:17That huge age gap difference.
01:04:20It feels fine.
01:04:22Why?
01:04:23Age is just a number anyway.
01:04:27Okay.
01:04:28So have you found that being 60 and dating a 20-year-old is better than being married, having kids,
01:04:38being loved?
01:04:39I'm 45.
01:04:42Besides, I already did the whole family thing.
01:04:45It's my choice to date 20-year-olds.
01:04:49And that's a good thing?
01:04:52Yeah.
01:04:55I'm happy.
01:04:58Hey.
01:04:58Hey.
01:05:01Alright, we'll see you tonight.
01:05:03Tonight?
01:05:04Your engagement party?
01:05:06Oh yeah, that? No.
01:05:09Probably won't go to that.
01:05:10I was thinking about jumping off a bridge after work.
01:05:13Cry me a river, George Bailey.
01:05:16See you later.
01:05:18Yep, I'll leave you in my will.
01:05:22I know.
01:05:24Kim?
01:05:26Kim?
01:05:27Look, I always knew this was going to happen.
01:05:30I just, I just thought it would be with somebody more attractive.
01:05:35You know what I look forward to?
01:05:37You waiting on me hand and foot.
01:05:39Like, I heard this like a log when you get married.
01:05:41That'll be fun.
01:05:43How do you feel about polygamy?
01:05:46We'll talk about it later.
01:05:49I'm gonna try really, really hard
01:05:52not to cheat on you.
01:05:53That much. Not that much.
01:05:56Minimal. Minimal.
01:05:58So, here we go, Kim.
01:06:01You can make me the happiest man.
01:06:04Kinda happy, not really, in the world right now
01:06:10by accepting my blah blah blah marriage proposal,
01:06:16will you marry me, and stuff like that.
01:06:19All that crap. Whatever.
01:06:24Yes.
01:06:27What?
01:06:28I'll marry you.
01:06:31Hello. Hello, may I speak to Kim?
01:06:34This is Kim.
01:06:35How you doing, Kim?
01:06:36This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:38This is who?
01:06:39This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:41We have a friend of yours down here.
01:06:44Oh, okay.
01:06:45Alrighty, yeah.
01:06:46Your friend James is here.
01:06:48James?
01:06:49Yes.
01:06:50He's not my friend.
01:06:51James is my fiancé.
01:06:52Hi, Kim.
01:06:53Right. Oh.
01:06:54See, I didn't know this.
01:06:55James is your fiancé.
01:06:56I forgot to mention that.
01:06:58Okay, well, I didn't know that you guys were engaged
01:07:01and that this was your fiancé,
01:07:03but he came down to the neighborhood.
01:07:05We were on air talking about relationships
01:07:06and he made sure he came in to tell us
01:07:10that he's no longer happy with the relationship.
01:07:13He doesn't want to marry you.
01:07:15What?
01:07:15Is this a joke?
01:07:16No, no, honey.
01:07:17This isn't a joke.
01:07:18He really had us call you to let you know
01:07:21that he's done.
01:07:22For real.
01:07:23I don't know who you guys are
01:07:25and who put you up to this.
01:07:26James is here.
01:07:27Kim, Kim.
01:07:28Kim, James is here.
01:07:29Say hello to her.
01:07:30Hello, Kim.
01:07:32Hi.
01:07:32Kermie.
01:07:34What?
01:07:34What?
01:07:34No?
01:07:35He doesn't want you to call him honey anymore.
01:07:36I think he doesn't want you to be upset.
01:07:38Right.
01:07:38So why would I get upset?
01:07:39Because he got evicted from his apartment
01:07:42and begged to stay with me
01:07:44and so I let him
01:07:45and I cooked for him
01:07:46and cleaned for him
01:07:47and now he's calling me on the radio
01:07:50in front of everybody
01:07:51to say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
01:07:53But you know what?
01:07:53He still wants you to cook.
01:07:54Why would I be upset?
01:07:54He still wants you to cook and clean
01:07:56and he still want to stay on the couch.
01:07:57He just don't want to be engaged.
01:07:58He don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
01:08:00Roommate, not mate.
01:08:01Yeah, roommate.
01:08:02Not mate.
01:08:02Exactly.
01:08:03Yeah, that's not going to work.
01:08:05Liz, are you there?
01:08:06Yeah, I'm here.
01:08:07You know, this is so typical.
01:08:08You know, you need a guy
01:08:10and he pretends to be Prince Charming in the beginning.
01:08:13He's whining you.
01:08:14He's signing you.
01:08:15He's taking you out.
01:08:15Did you do that?
01:08:17Maybe a little bit.
01:08:17He spends all of his money
01:08:19and then you find out in the end
01:08:21that it was all just, you know,
01:08:22it was pretend.
01:08:23He was taking it.
01:08:24Well, yeah.
01:08:25Who does that?
01:08:26Oh, James does that.
01:08:27And then now, you know.
01:08:28Well, you know, just in a nutshell, Kim,
01:08:31he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
01:08:33He wants it to be over.
01:08:35He still wants you to cook and clean for him.
01:08:38If possible, he would like to have the linen changed
01:08:41on the sofa tonight and he's done.
01:08:43She beats me.
01:08:44What?
01:08:45And he said he don't want you to be physical with him anymore.
01:08:47You know what the problem is?
01:08:49The problem is you.
01:08:50He's just afraid of intimacy.
01:08:51No, the problem is him.
01:08:52The problem is he's afraid of intimacy.
01:08:54You know, and I listen to your show all the time.
01:08:55No.
01:08:55I see a really, really big fan.
01:08:57And if you don't mind me quoting you guys,
01:09:00it's just relationships are all about, you know,
01:09:02loving each other past your mistakes.
01:09:04And that's what, you know, I've tried to do.
01:09:07Like, I know I'm not perfect and he's not perfect,
01:09:09but he's told me he's got intimacy issues
01:09:11and I'm willing to love him past that.
01:09:13No, I don't have intimacy issues.
01:09:14All of that.
01:09:15Intimacy issues.
01:09:17Right.
01:09:17I mean, is it crazy to you that he's saying anything
01:09:21to kind of get out of this relationship?
01:09:23You know what I think is crazy is that he's just so afraid
01:09:26to be in love.
01:09:33You warned me.
01:09:34Why didn't I listen?
01:09:36Nobody listens.
01:09:38Everybody rushes.
01:09:42This old man River.
01:09:44Um, he dumped me.
01:09:47Yeah.
01:09:48He was like, um, you should find someone your own age,
01:09:52you should settle down, start a family, that kind of stuff.
01:09:56It was weird.
01:09:59Wow.
01:10:00What?
01:10:02All this time I didn't realize it was right in front of me
01:10:05until now.
01:10:06What are you talking about?
01:10:08Are you drunk?
01:10:10Oh, oh, God, James!
01:10:11Sorry.
01:10:12Oh, no.
01:10:13Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?
01:10:16I just kissed Leona.
01:10:17Oh, God.
01:10:17Dude, on the lips?
01:10:18Yeah.
01:10:19Dude, you know how many penises been on these bad boys, man?
01:10:21What?
01:10:21Shut up.
01:10:22Only two.
01:10:23Right.
01:10:23Stop.
01:10:24Right.
01:10:24Yeah, too many.
01:10:25Come on.
01:10:26What you thinking?
01:10:27Sorry.
01:10:27He tried the whole 80s movie,
01:10:29I'm really in love with my platonic girlfriend move.
01:10:31No.
01:10:32What is that?
01:10:33Uh, yeah.
01:10:34Oh, God.
01:10:35I can't go through with this.
01:10:36I can't.
01:10:38Well, maybe you could run.
01:10:40She'll find me.
01:10:41Oh, too late.
01:10:41Here she comes.
01:10:44What are you doing out here?
01:10:45Everybody's inside.
01:10:48Leona, kiss me.
01:10:49Oh, God, oh, God.
01:10:50Kiss me.
01:10:51Make it look real.
01:10:52Let me get in.
01:10:53Freaking freaks!
01:10:54Don't push me.
01:11:01Oh, God.
01:11:07I'm sorry.
01:11:08I'm sorry.
01:11:08I apologize.
01:11:09Kim, come here.
01:11:11You didn't say sorry to me.
01:11:13I didn't know you were into that, baby.
01:11:15You should've told me.
01:11:15No, I'm not into that.
01:11:17Kim, seriously.
01:11:17Stop.
01:11:19I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same things you want.
01:11:22Marriage, kids, true happiness.
01:11:24But you make me happy.
01:11:26Well, right now I might, but in the long run, I won't.
01:11:30You don't know that.
01:11:31You're right.
01:11:32I don't, but we want different things in life.
01:11:36That's okay.
01:11:37Differences are good.
01:11:38It gives us stuff to talk about, right?
01:11:39On the surface, yeah, maybe.
01:11:41But as a couple, not wanting the same things is bad.
01:11:45It can lead to unhappiness.
01:11:50So what do you want, James?
01:11:55I don't know.
01:11:56I just, I know that I don't want to be 60 and unhappy because that'll lead to unhappy breakfast and
01:12:10oatmeal shit in it.
01:12:12Well, can't we just work on it?
01:12:14I don't want to work on it.
01:12:17Wow, that sounded bad.
01:12:20Maybe I should've just told you all this in the beginning.
01:12:23Yeah, you should've.
01:12:26Sorry.
01:12:40Tails.
01:12:41What's that?
01:12:43What does that mean?
01:12:44It's over between us, James.
01:12:46Over.
01:12:49You are now, I'm gonna do this for you.
01:12:52You are now anointed a single man, James.
01:12:54And probably homeless, too.
01:12:55Can I say something?
01:12:56Yes.
01:12:56If I end up missing, Kim is the one to arrest.
01:13:01Oh, okay.
01:13:01There it is.
01:13:02So if you come up missing, we'll make sure that Kim goes to jail.
01:13:05You're really scared of me.
01:13:06Don't change the door locks, love.
01:13:07He's coming home.
01:13:08That's right.
01:13:09Make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together up for him.
01:13:11Yeah, buddy.
01:13:11So you can sleep on that couch.
01:13:12See you later, roomie.
01:13:13Alright.
01:13:14It was a beautiful day and they were a big boy.
01:13:16They were a lot.
01:13:18Seeing with my daddy, the baby ate dinner like a family.
01:13:22It felt good.
01:13:23You haven't slept with my daughter.
01:13:25I haven't felt that way since my mom passed away.
01:13:27I do.
01:13:29I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:30Bump, bump.
01:13:31Bump, bump.
01:13:32I do.
01:13:33I love you.
01:13:35I love you.
01:13:39I love you.
01:13:47I do.
01:13:47I love you.
01:13:48Don't do it.
01:13:49It's tour day.
01:13:50Come on.
01:13:52It's tour day.
01:13:56It's tour day.
01:14:01Seriously, you're always joking.
01:14:03You're always joking, joking, joking, joking, joking.
01:14:17I'll be the DJ.
01:14:38You're right.
01:14:42My mother was unhappy.
01:14:45And it's not because my father left her.
01:14:47It's because she didn't love herself.
01:14:51I can see how hard it was for my dad to live with that.
01:14:54And I don't want to be with someone who wasn't happy with himself.
01:15:00I know.
01:15:03What you said, telling me the truth no matter how much it hurt.
01:15:09It meant a lot.
01:15:11Thanks.
01:15:14I don't know.
01:15:15Sometimes I just worry about ending up alone.
01:15:17So I guess it makes me a little aggressive.
01:15:22A little?
01:15:24Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm sorry too.
01:15:30Really sorry.
01:15:32Kind of sorry.
01:15:35I'm sorry.
01:15:39Okay.
01:15:43I know I asked her, isn't it?
01:15:44Where are you going to go?
01:15:47I decide you know what the world is for?
01:16:04on my couch until you find a place really after all that don't make me flip
01:16:13the coin no I'm just saying are you sure because I don't want to impose we don't
01:16:20no I'm so tired of being broke it's hard enough being alone to weather these storms
01:16:38I'm so sorry I let you down if only I knew the way to get ourselves out
01:16:52are you being good or are you kind
01:17:00I would wonder why we won't make you fight
01:17:06but remember please
01:17:10we are lucky
01:17:18I don't know why I get so sad I guess it feels like I've gone mad and there's no escape
01:17:33I try and do just what I can
01:17:37to help my fellow man
01:17:40but it's not enough
01:17:47are you being good or are you kind
01:17:55are we one or are we one big divide
01:18:01but remember please
01:18:04we are lucky
01:18:18we are lucky
01:18:24we are lucky
01:18:26we are lucky
01:18:38are you being good
01:18:40are you being good or are you kind
01:18:46are we one or are we one big divide
01:18:51but remember please
01:18:57we are lucky
01:19:00we are lucky
01:19:00we are lucky
01:19:00we are lucky
01:19:02we are lucky
01:19:03we are lucky
01:19:07that the the six
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