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Short filmTranscript
00:00:25This is Eve Carter. Leave me a message.
00:00:28Hey sis, I know it's a weird time of year for you, but you can still come with us to
00:00:32Hawaii for Christmas, okay? Let me know.
00:00:37Eve, it's Brian. I've been on the phone with the studio all morning.
00:00:40They know they screwed us both over, but there's nothing we can do at this point.
00:00:44But we'll get the next one.
00:00:48Hey, uh, I saw the viral video of you. Yikes.
00:00:55Look, I get it if you want to hide out for the holidays, but I don't want you all alone,
00:00:59okay?
00:00:59So just come to Atlanta and stay with me, okay?
00:01:05Eve, PR is having to work double time for you, so maybe don't go out this December.
00:01:12Eve Carter. You know what? You gotta stop leaving me these angry voicemails, okay?
00:01:18I know this reboot's been our baby for years. I fought for you. I fought for you, I really did,
00:01:24but you can't fight a studio, so just...
00:01:27You gotta stop bad-mouthing me in public. Move on. Bye.
00:01:47Good news, you at least got a call back for Emma. It's off, off-Broadway, but at least it's not
00:01:53New Jersey.
00:01:55Hey, Jackass. It's your sister. Remember me? Look, I need to know if you're coming or not. Call me. Seriously.
00:02:03Christmas with jerks. Christmas with jerks.
00:02:10Uncompromising. Unwilling to admit my faults, what my ex said. Glad he's gone, actually.
00:02:14I want to be alone for holiday. Alone, alone, alone.
00:02:21Wow. I mean, that was...
00:02:26Yeah, listen, I know that we had to do a call back as soon as you landed off the plane,
00:02:32but I'm really, really glad it worked out. Yeah?
00:02:35My driver understands. When Brian told me you were gonna do a modern take on Emma...
00:02:40No, no. This play is going to be lit, sizzling, okay? We're gonna get butts back in seats, right? Get
00:02:46that butt back in a seat. Hashtag live theater, baby. Yeah.
00:02:50Yeah. I just want to do meaningful work from now on.
00:02:56Yeah, they really typecast you, huh? Listen, it doesn't really help that you've had a lot of crazy moments go
00:03:04viral.
00:03:06And I've never gotten to work with a female director before, so I'd love to see you in action.
00:03:11Cool. Great. Well, I am so impressed by your range, and I'm sure that we're gonna get word before the
00:03:19holidays, so I want you to go and just enjoy your family.
00:03:21Yes. Same to you. What'd you think?
00:03:27Five stars. A pie.
00:03:32Thanks for letting me get that done.
00:03:34Yeah. Why aren't you in the new Christmas with Jerks movie?
00:03:37Just lucky, I guess.
00:03:48Thanks.
00:04:02All I got for Christmas was a candy cane. I love that line. You learn the real meaning of Christmas
00:04:08after being such a brat.
00:04:10Yeah. Thanks.
00:04:12Bye. Bye.
00:04:28Ahh! Ahh! Ah! Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait!
00:04:33No!
00:04:35Somebody! Help me! Help!
00:04:39Help!
00:04:40My mom!
00:04:47I don't know how to get in the house.
00:04:52Up on the house stop, reindeer puffs.
00:04:54Out jumps, good old Santa Claus.
00:04:56Down through the chimney with lots of toys.
00:04:58All for the little one's Christmas joys.
00:05:00Uh, uh, oh, who wouldn't go?
00:05:02Uh, uh, oh, where'd the keys go?
00:05:03Up on the house stop, click, click, click.
00:05:05Down through the chimney like old Saint Nick.
00:05:07How you gonna get in the house?
00:05:09I don't know.
00:05:10First comes the stocking of little Nell.
00:05:12Oh, dear Santa, fill it well.
00:05:14Give her a dolly, the last thing fries.
00:05:15One that can open and shut its eyes.
00:05:17Uh, uh, oh, who wouldn't go?
00:05:19Uh, uh, oh, where'd the keys go?
00:05:20Up on the house stop, click, click, click.
00:05:22Get them keys, find them quick.
00:05:24Did you try the window?
00:05:27Look in the stocking of little Bill.
00:05:29Oh, just see what a glorious bill.
00:05:30Here's a hammer, lots of tacks.
00:05:32A whistle and a ball and a whip that cracks.
00:05:33Check the gnome, check the gnome.
00:05:35There you go, there you go.
00:05:36Open the house stop, quick, quick, quick.
00:05:38You found the keys.
00:05:39Yeah, that's it.
00:05:43Throw a party.
00:05:44You don't have to climb down the chimney.
00:05:47Woo-hoo!
00:05:49Yeah, baby!
00:05:51Getting in that house.
00:05:53Uh-huh!
00:05:55Thank you, gnome.
00:05:58You don't have to climb down the chimney like old St. Nick.
00:06:15Mickey?
00:06:24I'm here.
00:06:25That's right.
00:06:27I'm a good puppy.
00:06:27Okay.
00:06:29I meant to be happy.
00:06:30I'm good.
00:06:35Okay.
00:06:45I willing.
00:06:45I'll grab it.
00:06:48It's your family. Thank God they're not here.
00:07:40It's your family.
00:07:56Social media royalty Shadonna Lambert has landed the coveted lead role in the reboot of the holiday classic Christmas with
00:08:04Jerks.
00:08:04Deadline previously reported that the 80s child star Eve Carter was reprising her role as Cookie Jerk,
00:08:10but it appears the 44 year old has been replaced by the 30 year old influencer with over 10 million
00:08:17followers.
00:08:18When asked why the recasting, this is what director Charlie Belfleur had to say.
00:08:23How can I argue with 10 million people?
00:08:25Next up, how young is too young for Botox?
00:08:40Ah.
00:08:47Touch me, Mary.
00:08:54Oh, my.
00:08:58Who should be the one who's still alive?
00:09:12You might want to do that somewhere a little more private.
00:09:15Ah!
00:09:16Jesus Christ!
00:09:18Mickey!
00:09:21Who are you?
00:09:23Ace.
00:09:26Jim's cousin.
00:09:28Oh, dear God.
00:09:29No.
00:09:30No.
00:09:30Just Ace is fine.
00:09:37Ace.
00:09:41Beat it squirt.
00:09:48You grew up.
00:09:51You too.
00:09:54You remember me?
00:09:56My cousin's in-law's cookie jerk.
00:09:58How could I forget?
00:10:00Will you please do the candy cane line for me?
00:10:03Please?
00:10:04No.
00:10:05Why are you here?
00:10:07I'm dog sitting.
00:10:08Recovering from surgery.
00:10:10What are you doing here besides, uh...
00:10:16I have a mosquito bite.
00:10:19Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
00:10:22Well, I want to wallow in my misery alone.
00:10:25With Mickey.
00:10:26And not be judged by someone like you.
00:10:28So, get out.
00:10:29Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not that judgy.
00:10:32This is my sister's house.
00:10:33She said I could stay here.
00:10:36And I forgot to confirm with her, but...
00:10:38It's her house, so...
00:10:40Get out.
00:10:42No.
00:10:44Jim asked me to watch the dog, and I need a bedroom on the main, so...
00:10:48Beth!
00:10:48I don't care!
00:10:50Do I look like I care?
00:10:51Are you, or are you not leaving?
00:10:53No.
00:10:55I'm not.
00:10:57I could pay you.
00:10:58I don't need your money.
00:10:59Okay.
00:11:05But I'll get you a nice hotel.
00:11:07I'll get you a nice hotel.
00:11:10Oh, my God.
00:11:12This is my sister's house.
00:11:14And I'm never going back into the world again.
00:11:17Or until after Christmas.
00:11:20Same.
00:11:21Oh!
00:11:25Sorry, Cookie.
00:11:26I ain't leaving.
00:11:28And word to the wise.
00:11:30If you're gonna wallow in your misery with your mosquito bite,
00:11:33make sure you have on underwear.
00:11:35Oh!
00:11:37Oh!
00:11:39Get out!
00:11:41I don't like you.
00:11:42No!
00:11:43So good to see you again.
00:11:45Ugh!
00:11:47Look, I don't care who stays there as long as someone takes care of Mickey.
00:11:51Send me a new phone, Ash.
00:11:52I'm dying over here.
00:11:55Happy holidays.
00:11:57Ahem.
00:11:58Come on.
00:12:06Mickey was my mom's dog, and I'm not leaving.
00:12:08So you better get your crap and...
00:12:15Seven days till Christmas.
00:12:20Oh, no, he did not.
00:12:36It's pretty hot here for December.
00:12:42Or is that just the way you're making my blood boil?
00:12:49It's pretty hot here for December.
00:12:51It's pretty hot here for December.
00:12:52You're a blender.
00:12:55Throw it out before it spoils.
00:13:02It's like I'm living in a nightmare.
00:13:07And now you've ruined everything that I enjoy.
00:13:14Riding center, this is not fair
00:13:20Gonna take away your toys
00:13:26It's hell of a holiday with you
00:13:32A lump of a loaf thing is the only thing you will get under this roof
00:13:39A hell of a holiday with you
00:13:45I'll stuff your stocking and I'll show you where you can put your tofu
00:13:51It took the joy from my martinis
00:13:58But just like spite, I have a holiday supply
00:14:04There's nothing cheerful here about us
00:14:09And I had
00:14:16Sweet baby Jesus
00:14:23Oh my god
00:14:25I didn't know anyone actually looked like this
00:14:37Hello, a holiday with you
00:14:45Stuff your stocking and I'll show you where you can put your tofu
00:14:56Extra fruit tofu
00:15:05Oh
00:15:07Wow
00:15:28Like I was saying
00:15:29Oh
00:15:29What the hell of a holiday
00:15:33With you
00:15:35With you
00:15:37With you
00:15:37With you
00:15:39With you
00:15:39Hell of a holiday
00:15:40Holiday with you
00:15:45With you
00:15:48Six days till Christmas
00:15:53It's getting ugly in here
00:15:57Hell of a holiday
00:16:00Hell of a holiday with you
00:16:04A lump of loaf thing is the only thing you will get under this roof
00:16:10It's a hell of a holiday with you
00:16:16A touch of snow and then we'll see how long you're in the bathroom
00:16:35Hell of a holiday
00:16:42Hell of a holiday
00:16:54I hate you, I hate you more
00:16:58Oh my god
00:17:09Mac, hey, yeah, just laying low for the holidays
00:17:16January, yeah, rehearsals are up in January
00:17:21I'll be ready
00:17:30What?
00:17:31Is that computer working?
00:17:35Actually the internet's down
00:17:38Can I please borrow your phone for like two seconds?
00:17:42Only if you promise to go to a hotel
00:17:45I need to call my doctor
00:17:49My god, same
00:18:00Hey, uh, this is Ace Strong calling Dr. Arrahona back
00:18:04Doc, hey, hey, uh, what's the good news? Scans look good?
00:18:13Right, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna be good to go by January, right?
00:18:19I know that 95% of people need longer to recover from this, but you and I both know I'm
00:18:25not 95% of people, right?
00:18:28Doc, I've been doing my exercises every day
00:18:31And then some
00:18:36So what happens if I go through with filming then?
00:18:43Permanent damage
00:18:46Okay, yeah, um, yeah, yes, we should reassess next week
00:18:51Absolutely
00:18:53Talk to you then
00:18:54Alright
00:18:55Bye
00:19:06Bye
00:19:12E! E! E! What is going on?
00:19:17I lost five whole pounds
00:19:19So I'm baking brownies, darling
00:19:21Can you turn the music down?
00:19:26Not at all
00:19:27Not at all
00:19:28Not at all
00:19:32Oh, I got it
00:19:40Got it
00:19:40Got it
00:19:48Why do you listen to such bad Christmas music?
00:19:52I can't find anything else
00:19:54There's an 11-team remote
00:19:56No time in the company
00:20:01Look at that!
00:20:05My phone hasn't come in, can I please borrow yours?
00:20:10No
00:20:15I need to take this
00:20:20Bianca
00:20:20Hey
00:20:21Hey
00:20:22Girl
00:20:22Um
00:20:24Yeah, no, uh, you got my message
00:20:26That's awesome
00:20:26Uh
00:20:27I'm
00:20:28Just wanted to let you know I'm back in town
00:20:30And, uh
00:20:31Yeah, for the next, next gig
00:20:33Um
00:20:34I may or may not be wearing spandex, so
00:20:37Uh
00:20:39But
00:20:39I was wondering if you were
00:20:44Yeah, no, cool
00:20:45That's
00:20:46That's cool
00:20:47Um
00:20:48Sure
00:20:49Whenever
00:20:50Just
00:20:51Uh
00:20:51Text me
00:20:53And
00:20:56Bianca?
00:21:19Decent in the Middle East?
00:21:23That's not applicable
00:21:31How'd you get hurt?
00:21:33Driving a car out of an airplane
00:21:37Okay
00:21:41You like this person?
00:21:44She's my ex
00:21:46You want her back?
00:21:51Okay
00:21:51So what's the big plan, Ace?
00:21:55Beg
00:21:56Okay
00:21:58I can help
00:21:59But not tonight, cause I'm about to be real messed up
00:22:01And I'm not trying to go back to jail
00:22:04But manana, we work on it
00:22:08I swear to god
00:22:10Sorry
00:22:10Eve Carter in a matchmaker for Christmas
00:22:16That's actually a great title
00:22:20I need to call my agent
00:22:23No
00:22:26You know what? Give me that drink
00:22:27No
00:22:28No, you gave this to me
00:22:31Eve
00:22:31Hey, hey, hey
00:22:34Maybe the universe
00:22:36Wants you to disconnect
00:22:37Maybe the universe wants you to fuck off
00:22:44Hey
00:22:46That's not funny
00:22:48I'm still healing
00:22:50Eve, don't be a
00:22:54Crone
00:22:55Crone
00:22:57Don't be a crone
00:22:58You just wait till that cannabis juice kicks in, fella
00:23:00You won't know up from down
00:23:05What?
00:23:07I hope you don't have to pee
00:23:09Okay, bye
00:23:19Sorry
00:23:20I have to pee so bad
00:24:07Why is he trying to do my life?
00:24:10Or who's trusting you?
00:24:10Christmas, you're up to no good.
00:24:20Are you ready to fall in love this Christmas?
00:24:24Under the mistletoe.
00:24:27Is a kiss on the top of your wish list?
00:24:31Well, I know a girl you should know.
00:24:36She's sugar and spice, naughty and nice, waiting under that evergreen.
00:24:43If you're ready to fall in love this Christmas, fall in love with me.
00:24:52Lunch?
00:24:54Is it laced?
00:24:55With my scorn.
00:25:05So what'd you do to run off Kiki?
00:25:07Bianca.
00:25:08Ooh, la la.
00:25:10She would say I was a bit of a killjoy.
00:25:13I see that.
00:25:14I didn't go to this one influencer thing and didn't feel like faking happiness in front
00:25:19of a bunch of strangers and cameras, you know?
00:25:23Yeah.
00:25:24She lives here?
00:25:25Midtown.
00:25:27Okay.
00:25:28I got an A in stalking in high school, and this was long before the interweb, mister.
00:25:33We had to do the legwork.
00:25:34I once followed a guy all the way to Lake Lure and-
00:25:37I got it.
00:25:38You're insane.
00:25:40It's almost Christmas, so what's some stuff she always does?
00:25:44Her best friend, Crystal, always throws a Christmas Eve party.
00:25:48Every year.
00:25:49She gets there early, stays late.
00:25:52She always rides me for not dressing up for these events either, and I believe in dressing
00:25:56for the job that you want, and athleisure wear-
00:25:58I get it.
00:25:58You're a schlub.
00:25:59Okay.
00:26:01This is gonna work.
00:26:02You'll go to the party, wear something spiffy, get her a little gift, prepare a few words.
00:26:07We got this.
00:26:08We got this?
00:26:09Yeah.
00:26:10You and me?
00:26:10Oh, yeah.
00:26:11You're gonna help me?
00:26:12Mm-hmm.
00:26:14And you'll let me use your phone and leave me the house by Christmas Eve, so win-win.
00:26:30So what's the big plan, Eve?
00:26:33No fucking way!
00:26:35She hasn't been offered the role yet, but we know she's auditioned.
00:26:39That's my goddamn part, and she's, what, 12?
00:26:43Gigi has over a million followers.
00:26:46So I can't even get this teeny-tiny role off-Broadway.
00:26:50Off-off-Broadway?
00:26:52Exactly!
00:26:53They have like 50 seats to fill.
00:26:55What do they care about a following like that?
00:26:57Just keep doing what you're doing.
00:26:58Lay low.
00:26:59No, no mishaps, and it'll be if it's meant to be.
00:27:03Oh, bye.
00:27:06My agent just...
00:27:08You don't care.
00:27:12I hate that shirt, and it hates you.
00:27:14Next.
00:27:22But worse!
00:27:23Who's your stylist?
00:27:24The Rock?
00:27:25What are you?
00:27:26Some kind of muscle milk?
00:27:28Tuna fish twice a day?
00:27:30Tank-topped love and freak?
00:27:32Yes.
00:27:34Gross.
00:27:37Eee, look at this!
00:27:38Check this suit out.
00:27:39Pure class.
00:27:41A grand?
00:27:42Is it motorized?
00:27:43You get what you pay for.
00:27:45I'm not paying for anything.
00:27:47Oh, I kind of already got us some sushi delivery.
00:27:51And some sake.
00:27:52And a great American Cookie Company cookie cake.
00:27:56What is up with you?
00:27:58It's called self-love, and I'm leaning into it.
00:28:01And where's your phone?
00:28:03It's on back order, but Ashley's sending me one tomorrow.
00:28:07I got an idea.
00:28:08BRB.
00:28:35Pomegranate Martini's.
00:28:36Pomegranate Martini's.
00:28:37Pomegranate Martini's.
00:28:38Would you care for a drink, sir?
00:28:41No.
00:28:46I'm watching my figure.
00:28:47They're sugar-free.
00:28:48But booze forward.
00:28:50I won't let you snack after.
00:28:52Promise.
00:28:58Come on.
00:28:59I make it a point never to drink alone.
00:29:01While someone else is in the room.
00:29:08Fine.
00:29:18Tart.
00:29:19In a less narcissistic life, I was a mixologist.
00:29:22Or Donatella Versace.
00:29:24Yeah.
00:29:25Well, in a less dangerous life, I was a gym owner.
00:29:28Well, now you can be.
00:29:29What?
00:29:30No.
00:29:31I'm a stuntman.
00:29:33You know, it's...
00:29:35It's not just what I do, it's who I am.
00:29:37Like, you with the acting thing, right?
00:29:40Yeah.
00:29:41Let's not get too personal, shall we?
00:29:47I was thinking about getting, um...
00:29:51Some jewelry.
00:29:52For Binaca.
00:29:55Bianca.
00:29:56Right.
00:29:57Hmm.
00:30:02Okay, I love these earrings.
00:30:04They say I wanted to do you, but, like, forever.
00:30:09Maybe in another life, you were a personal shop.
00:30:12Well, now I can be.
00:30:14I'll be like Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard,
00:30:17but instead of holing up in my house, wooing a younger man,
00:30:20I'll be helping folks pick the exact right pair of couplings
00:30:23to weird granddaddy's funeral.
00:30:27Why are you some kind of, like, crazy anti-mame hermit these days?
00:30:33Oh, my God.
00:30:35That's, like, the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life.
00:30:38I love that you know that film.
00:30:41My mom watches movies.
00:30:42She loved you in Operation Octopus.
00:30:46Nobody liked that movie.
00:30:48She would leave her singles cruise in a lifeboat right now.
00:30:52She knew I was with the Cookie Jerk.
00:30:56Oh, I do send that out every year.
00:30:59Look at me.
00:31:02See?
00:31:03They show that, and then they show this.
00:31:06Like, she used to be so cute.
00:31:08Look at her now.
00:31:09Like, it's a crime, getting old.
00:31:14And for men, too.
00:31:16Oh.
00:31:17It's worse for women.
00:31:19Okay.
00:31:20But men can't be weak.
00:31:23And that's why I picked a stage name.
00:31:25Strong.
00:31:27Ace Strong.
00:31:28Stop.
00:31:30It's Mary on the top.
00:31:31Mary on the top.
00:31:36Okay.
00:31:36Okay.
00:31:37But if you could go back, would you turn down the role?
00:31:42So we're getting personal?
00:31:47Shall we?
00:31:49No.
00:31:50I mean, I love being on set.
00:31:54But then I'd go back and learn how to direct.
00:31:57You know, like, spiel Birkett as a teenager.
00:32:00Tell the stories.
00:32:02So do it now.
00:32:06It's hard.
00:32:07I'm just...
00:32:08Don't.
00:32:09I'm too old to start.
00:32:10No, I am.
00:32:12No, no, no, stop.
00:32:14You bought in.
00:32:16You're ageist against yourself.
00:32:18No.
00:32:20Okay.
00:32:23What about you, tough guy?
00:32:25Huh?
00:32:26What?
00:32:27Your ankle's pretty messed up.
00:32:30I am in the best shape of my life.
00:32:34Okay.
00:32:34Doctor says the word.
00:32:36I'm back on track.
00:32:39And if not?
00:32:41I just need a couple good years.
00:32:44When you don't get hurt.
00:32:46Yeah.
00:32:48And, you know, then maybe I can get into stunt coordinating.
00:32:52I just need to, you know, make a name for myself first.
00:32:59But if not, there's, like, other things people like you can do, right?
00:33:05People like me, who train their whole lives, care for their body, and then have the best
00:33:13opportunity of their career only to have a freak accident?
00:33:22And then, no, no, no, this is what I was born to do.
00:33:34I have a bursitis.
00:33:40I have bursitis.
00:33:40And my skin is retreating from my neck.
00:33:43Stop laughing.
00:33:45Stop funny.
00:33:45It's real.
00:33:48Nobody thinks this is sexy.
00:33:49And guess what?
00:33:50I'm right there with them.
00:33:51I want to hump some 18-year-olds, too.
00:33:54And maybe you just don't want to have to talk to them after.
00:33:57Because all my jokes are from 30-year-old films and TV.
00:34:00I can quote the hell out of some Full House, and I want someone to appreciate that.
00:34:04Stop laughing.
00:34:14Hey, can you, um, pass me some ginger snacks?
00:34:17No, no, no.
00:34:18A promise is a promise, Sparky.
00:34:21Sparky?
00:34:22And we are on a crash diet for Kimmy Gibbler's birthday present.
00:34:27See?
00:34:28See what I did?
00:34:29This is good.
00:34:31Okay.
00:34:35Can you get yourself home all right, Padma?
00:34:39I believe so.
00:34:40Okay.
00:34:59Mind you up, boys.
00:35:01Get your gears going, yeah.
00:35:03Hey, now, hey, now, hey, now.
00:35:08As they pull your little string and make you say the nicest thing.
00:35:13Oh, hey, now, hey, now, hey, now.
00:35:18If I could have my way, you'd be my robot, baby.
00:35:23Hey, now, hey, now, hey, now.
00:35:26Hey, now, hey, now, hey, now.
00:35:27Cause you're better than a boyfriend.
00:35:30Take my heart and pretend to stay.
00:35:33Now, hey, now, hey, now.
00:35:38Robot boy, hey.
00:35:40Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop, robot boy.
00:35:44Sing it!
00:35:44What?
00:35:45People, people.
00:35:48I, I tried to believe in love before,
00:35:54but it leaves me watching more.
00:35:58I, I tried to fall in love again,
00:36:03but it always hurts my feelings.
00:36:06And I need a robot boy, cause he will bring me joy.
00:36:11And I know he won't break my heart,
00:36:13like the other boys did before.
00:36:16Robot boy.
00:36:19Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.
00:36:21Robot boy.
00:36:23Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.
00:36:26Robot boy.
00:36:28Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.
00:36:32Everybody at home!
00:36:33Beep boop, beep boop, beep!
00:36:35I, I tried to believe in love before,
00:36:44Four days till Christmas, girl, you do you.
00:36:53Yeah.
00:36:57I'm sure you're famous enough for the wig and glasses.
00:37:04Okay.
00:37:05What are you going to say to her when you see her?
00:37:07Set the scene for me.
00:37:08She's there, looking all gorgeous,
00:37:11surrounded by people full of holiday cheer.
00:37:14You're there, sharp suit, grinch face.
00:37:17What are you going to say, hot shot?
00:37:20Hey, Bianca.
00:37:21I...
00:37:23Oh, hey, Bianca.
00:37:24What's up, girl?
00:37:25As long as I sound like...
00:37:27No, you got to be suave.
00:37:29Sweep her off her feet, you know?
00:37:31Sweep her up onto your scooter.
00:37:34I want to tell her that this accident put a lot of things into perspective for me.
00:37:40And that I'm willing to be more flexible.
00:37:45And...
00:37:47Listen to her?
00:37:49Yeah.
00:37:50Yeah, that's good.
00:37:52That's good?
00:37:53No snark for me, Carter?
00:37:56Why are you saying my whole name like you're from TMZ?
00:37:59Hey, maybe you could segue into tabloid host.
00:38:04You're here live with Ace Strong,
00:38:06former stuntman, current gossip king of Avondale Estates.
00:38:10We're outside the home of some famous asshole just trying to live their life in peace.
00:38:15Let's see if we can catch a glimpse of their greasy hair
00:38:18whilst they haul their recycling bin full of vodka bottles to the curb.
00:38:23All right.
00:38:25Let me give this a whirl.
00:38:26You take this.
00:38:35Don't stare at me like that.
00:38:36I just don't want to have to piggyback your ass to the house.
00:38:39You are 100% going to piggyback my ass to the house.
00:38:42No, sir.
00:38:42I will leave you on the ground.
00:38:55Oh, Jesus!
00:38:57How long have you been there?
00:38:58I don't know.
00:39:01What do you think?
00:39:03You look really nice.
00:39:05Really nice?
00:39:07Mm-hmm.
00:39:08Yeah, but you kind of look like a pallbearer.
00:39:10You need some Ace Flare.
00:39:18What the hell does that mean?
00:39:43What the hell does that mean?
00:40:00Happy hour starting...
00:40:03early?
00:40:04I can't remember my passwords.
00:40:07Except for my Nordstrom password.
00:40:08Because I'm a lady.
00:40:11oh good what are you missing out on trying to post a photo of this beauty
00:40:18take a picture of it i'm trying to post a photo so people can see it like my sister who
00:40:24gave it
00:40:24to me she knows what a cake looks like okay but it's me saying i'm grateful so call her and
00:40:29tell
00:40:29her okay also i get like 3 000 likes it's called social capital if someone likes you you're more
00:40:37appealing to others people would be all impressed by your big pretty cake and think more highly of
00:40:44you bianca was into the same stuff it's nuts you know none of this means anything right it might
00:40:50mean the difference between me getting my dream job or not oh eve why didn't why didn't you say that
00:40:56let me help you out like like like like stop that like stop like like like you know what nobody
00:41:09likes
00:41:09you uh yikes see that's why i'm not on the socials it's ugly out there also you can't have any
00:41:18of my
00:41:18cake i don't want any of your damn cake coconut what even more reason
00:41:42sure you don't want some no stop
00:41:57what you trust it it's both like that no it's on the other side stop you look so don't stop
00:42:05what to do
00:42:15thanks
00:42:16yeah
00:42:21thanks
00:42:51Let's go.
00:42:52Let's go.
00:43:22It smells so good.
00:43:36Charlie Butler, you did the director.
00:43:39You're going to fall.
00:43:42I'm excited.
00:43:43Christmas with more jerks.
00:43:46I thought he was going to blow.
00:44:10All cookie jerk wanted for Christmas was a punky Brewster doll.
00:44:15Give me Christmas.
00:44:17This egg will get disgusting.
00:44:19That little jerk would stop at nothing until she got one.
00:44:24Her family will follow her all over New York City until they find her.
00:44:30Oh my god for Christmas is a candy cane.
00:44:34And in the meantime, they just might find the true meaning of Christmas.
00:44:38Christmas with jerks.
00:44:42Now take off your clothes.
00:44:45Christmas with jerks.
00:44:45Christmas with jerks.
00:44:53Christmas with jerks.
00:44:53Christmas with jerks.
00:44:53Christmas with jerks.
00:44:55Christmas with jerks.
00:44:59Now do exactly how it might say.
00:45:03Turn to the left.
00:45:08Yes.
00:45:09Now turn to the right.
00:45:14We are going to indicate incision signs, areas to be altered, as well as those to be avoided
00:45:21when you get here.
00:45:22But this will save some time.
00:45:26Okay, we can straighten out your nose when we do the rest of your face.
00:45:30And, uh, what about your earlobes?
00:45:34My earlobes?
00:45:35Yes, most patients prefer to have these detached earlobes.
00:45:39I can do this for you, no problem.
00:45:42Okay.
00:45:44And you mentioned some syndactyly in your digits.
00:45:51Some webbed toes.
00:45:52Oh, yeah.
00:45:54Careful, Doc.
00:45:55They're the reason I'm a fast swimmer.
00:46:02Oh, wow.
00:46:03I see you have sizable bunions as well.
00:46:06That's okay.
00:46:07That's not good.
00:46:10But I can take care of both of these for you.
00:46:12They don't hurt.
00:46:13Just wait.
00:46:15And in the meantime, we can take care of these unsightly bumps.
00:46:19Okay.
00:46:19You haven't mentioned labiaplasty, but I'm seeing some...
00:46:24Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:46:27My girl is perfect just the way she is.
00:46:30We're doing some incredible things in vaginal rejuvenation for women of advanced age.
00:46:38Could I just get an itemization of the costs?
00:46:43Of course.
00:46:44Of course.
00:46:44Do you have any more questions for me?
00:46:47Is it gonna hurt?
00:46:50For sure.
00:46:52Pain is painful.
00:46:54Right?
00:46:54I'm sick of my patient.
00:46:57You're right.
00:46:59No.
00:47:00No.
00:47:04No!
00:47:07No.
00:47:08No!
00:47:09No.
00:47:12No!
00:47:14No.
00:47:16No!
00:47:17No!
00:47:44You having a party?
00:47:47Christmas comes but once a year.
00:47:49It's quite a dress.
00:47:51This old thing?
00:47:54It's a family tradition.
00:47:56My mom always did a big hors d'oeuvres night before Christmas.
00:48:00She was a teacher, and her students would bring her little treats,
00:48:04and we'd cover the table in them, and it was like snack roulette.
00:48:11I'm telling a story. Take the champs.
00:48:18She'd put out all the presents they gave her.
00:48:21You know, like potholders and stuff with little apples on it.
00:48:27But this one year, she had a student, and she said he didn't have anything to give her.
00:48:35So the day before break, he brings her this dress and a beat-up old box.
00:48:42It was his mom's, and it was the nicest thing they could think to give her.
00:48:49It was Christmas after my dad died, and we all just cried about it the whole night.
00:48:55Said how he would have cried too, you know?
00:49:00And then my mom would wear it every year after.
00:49:04I think to show up for us, you know, for her life.
00:49:11Ashley inherited it.
00:49:18My dad died last year.
00:49:28Does it get easier?
00:49:39Okay. Uh, why didn't she return the dress?
00:49:45She tried. They wouldn't take it back.
00:49:48Oh.
00:49:50Okay. That's my crab rangoon.
00:49:52Do not be a scrotum.
00:49:54Eat my rangoon.
00:49:55It's delicious.
00:49:56It's delicious.
00:49:57Oh, my goodness.
00:50:22It's delicious.
00:50:25Robot Boy, say goodbye!
00:50:27Hello!
00:50:29Eve Carter, what are you up to?
00:50:32You've gotten 2,000 new followers in 24 hours?
00:50:35Who is this mystery man?
00:50:37Wait for it. I'm just laying low and proving I'm the best person.
00:50:41For the role of Emma, darling. I'm a matchmaker at heart.
00:50:45Well, can't hurt.
00:50:48Follow along, dear. I have a plan.
00:50:57Two days to hell, Christmas.
00:51:03You better wash those hands.
00:51:25I have a plan.
00:51:26Yeah.
00:51:45I have a plan, huh?
00:51:51Okay, so I have to be with you, Tom.
00:51:51I have to be with you, Tom, then to break down.
00:51:51I have to be with you, Tom.
00:51:55Oh! Were you still sleeping?
00:51:58Yeah. I need a full nine when I'm recovering.
00:52:02You got ten minutes. Time's a-wasting.
00:52:04Come on, Mickey. Let's go!
00:52:09For what?
00:52:22Fall in love with me.
00:52:25Jamal!
00:52:27What?
00:52:28You are going to make sure that Brit-Brit knows you're ready to partay.
00:52:33Bianca.
00:52:34Yeah.
00:52:37What are you doing?
00:52:39Texting her.
00:52:40What are you writing?
00:52:41Are you going to be at Crystal's tomorrow night?
00:52:44Do you still like me? Check yes or no.
00:52:48Okay. She ended things because you're no fun, and...
00:52:53I'm not flexible. I mean, physically, I am very flexible.
00:53:00Maybe not emotionally, though.
00:53:03So what we need to do is let her know you've changed,
00:53:06so by the time you see her, she's gagging for it.
00:53:11I don't think you can say things like that anymore.
00:53:14Yeah, I can, but you certainly shouldn't. Pull up Instagram.
00:53:19Facebook?
00:53:20It got hacked a while back, but I think the account's still there.
00:53:24Okay. Let's roll.
00:53:28Okay.
00:53:31Hey, guys. Long time no see.
00:53:34At the request of a friend.
00:53:37I wanted to let you know I'm back in town.
00:53:40I'd love to see you.
00:53:42Grab a holiday nosh.
00:53:44Yeah. So, hit me up.
00:53:49I cannot say nosh.
00:53:51I'm not one of the golden girls.
00:53:53Okay. That was good energy, though.
00:53:55This time, say drink instead of nosh.
00:53:59And...
00:54:00Give me a little devilish grin at the end.
00:54:02You know I'm not an actor, right?
00:54:03Yeah, I can tell.
00:54:06Okay.
00:54:10Hey, guys. Long time no see.
00:54:13At the request of a friend...
00:54:22Hey! She watched my video!
00:54:24She watched my video!
00:54:26Yes!
00:54:31Wait, mail it out.
00:54:33I can't do that!
00:54:39Eve?
00:54:40Eve!
00:54:42Hey, come here.
00:54:44Crystal texted!
00:54:47Hey, Crystal texted.
00:54:49The friend?
00:54:50What'd she say?
00:54:51Come to my dog and nog.
00:54:55Hot dogs and egg nog.
00:54:57It's...
00:54:58It's a thing.
00:55:01Gagging.
00:55:02You're so gross!
00:55:05Let's celebrate.
00:55:07Ashley told me how to turn on the hot tub.
00:55:09What?
00:55:11Come on. Let's go.
00:55:13We'll do some swimming.
00:55:14Breath stroke.
00:55:15What?
00:55:16What?
00:55:18Come on. Come on.
00:55:19Hop up! Hop up!
00:55:20Hop up!
00:55:21Who could say no to that?
00:55:23Let's go!
00:55:25Angela Merkel.
00:55:28Melania Trump.
00:55:30Or Michelle Obama.
00:55:32Oh, clear winner.
00:55:34I've got to marry Michelle.
00:55:36No!
00:55:37It's a trick question.
00:55:39Don't marry anyone.
00:55:40Just be with someone and be good to them for as long as you both shall live.
00:55:47Eh.
00:55:48Did you ever tie the knot?
00:55:51I almost got married for the wrong reasons.
00:55:55Twice.
00:55:56Why didn't you pull the trigger?
00:55:58I think I needed to grow up some.
00:56:01You know?
00:56:02Hashtag spinster life.
00:56:03Oh.
00:56:06Did you ever tie the knot?
00:56:09No.
00:56:10Too busy working.
00:56:12I...
00:56:13like the nomad life.
00:56:15Same.
00:56:16Oh.
00:56:17Oh.
00:56:19Mm-hmm.
00:56:19You can work around the clock at a big muscle gym.
00:56:22A big muscle gym?
00:56:24Mm-hmm.
00:56:24And have tuna fish and wheat grass happy hours every Friday morning at 5 a.m. after boot camp.
00:56:33That actually sounds pretty great.
00:56:36You're the worst.
00:56:37What?
00:56:38But I do need to get back to the gym in the new year.
00:56:41No. You're the worst. People like you.
00:56:43Always waiting until the new year. New year's resolutions.
00:56:47Diet starts on Monday. No, it's now.
00:56:50Ah.
00:56:52Doesn't matter anyway because I'm getting a full body tune-up too sweet.
00:56:57What?
00:56:59Yeah. I'm getting a little NJ and a pick-me-up.
00:57:02I don't speak Rodeo Drive.
00:57:05Uh, liposuction, some lifts, and a nose job.
00:57:10That's... crazy.
00:57:12Is it?
00:57:15I never had any work done because I was cookie jerk for 35 fucking years and then they shot the
00:57:22reboot without me.
00:57:23They hired an influencer to play my role with my film family so I don't think I need to look
00:57:29like cookie anymore.
00:57:36Sorry.
00:57:38It got loud. It got really loud.
00:57:46Look, go for what you want, Eve.
00:57:49But do it on your terms.
00:57:52And, you know, don't carve yourself up like a Christmas ham and expect to be happy after.
00:58:01Christmas ham?
00:58:02That's gonna be the title of my men-law.
00:58:05Or my band name.
00:58:06Oh.
00:58:11I wet my shirt off.
00:58:12And I had the world's oldest prone, like, cotton clamshells.
00:58:18From the 50s. I had borrowed it from my mother.
00:58:20But I was gonna do it with my crush.
00:58:23And then he whispered,
00:58:26You're moving too fast.
00:58:30No!
00:58:32You did not get laid.
00:58:34Oh.
00:58:35I wish.
00:58:37So, I was on this TV show out in Arizona.
00:58:41And there was this woman outside.
00:58:43God, she was gorgeous.
00:58:46I was so nervous to talk to her.
00:58:48But I finally got the chance to make out with her, right?
00:58:52But I had had so much Jack Daniels.
00:58:55By the time.
00:58:56That it was time.
00:58:59No boner.
00:59:00Taffy Paul.
00:59:02That's not good.
00:59:03No, she didn't look me in the eyes again.
00:59:08There is one person I still think about from time to time.
00:59:11You know, my, uh, first.
00:59:14Oh.
00:59:16You know, cause my, my body said he was something special.
00:59:20And your brain?
00:59:21So we might kill each other.
00:59:24Should you drag him down?
00:59:25God, no. I mean, I did, years ago, but...
00:59:29He's married, two kids.
00:59:32Kinda looks like a stodgy old man now.
00:59:37So he got...
00:59:38I know, I know, but he doesn't look like fun old.
00:59:41He looks like an angry Santa.
00:59:44Yeah.
00:59:45Why'd you call it quits?
00:59:47Well, I think he loved me, but he didn't like me.
00:59:52And what is not to like?
00:59:54Okay.
00:59:57Okay, but let's talk about true love.
01:00:00Let's talk about Brianna.
01:00:03Bianca, it's Bianca!
01:00:05Come on!
01:00:07Does your body just, you know?
01:00:11Yeah.
01:00:12I think so.
01:00:14Yeah?
01:00:17Alright, well...
01:00:19That's it for me!
01:00:23Oh!
01:00:24I should've had some aqua.
01:00:29Here.
01:00:29Here, here, here, here.
01:00:30Here, here, here.
01:00:30No, no, no!
01:00:31Ow!
01:00:36You okay?
01:00:38I'm okay.
01:01:01It's okay.
01:01:02It's okay.
01:01:04It's okay.
01:01:07I'm crazy, but I try to never be a complete douche.
01:01:11Not a complete douche.
01:01:14Just maybe a partial douche?
01:01:18Okay. I'm gonna...
01:01:21Can you, uh...
01:01:23Yeah.
01:01:26Oh, hey.
01:01:28Chin up, Cookie.
01:01:32Are you doing movie lines on me?
01:01:37Oh, hey.
01:01:49Oh, hey.
01:02:27Oh, hey.
01:02:32One day tea on my Christmas.
01:02:38Girl, what did you do?
01:02:43Oh.
01:02:48Oh.
01:02:53Oh.
01:03:00Oh.
01:03:02Oh.
01:03:04I'm sorry.
01:03:57Hi, did you find everything okay?
01:03:59I did.
01:04:00Wait, are you cookie jerk?
01:04:04I'm cookie jackass now.
01:04:06I knew it.
01:04:07I almost didn't recognize you because...
01:04:11Got tall?
01:04:13Yeah.
01:04:13Yeah.
01:04:21Oh.
01:04:22Oh, my God.
01:05:08And...
01:05:34That's what I'm going to call you.
01:05:36He's strong.
01:05:57Okay, can't do that yet, can't do that yet, that's okay.
01:06:18You big old dirty slut, I cannot believe you tried to phone Ace, I thought you were done
01:06:25with love and going out in public.
01:06:26I am.
01:06:27Yeah, clearly.
01:06:29Where are you right now?
01:06:30I'm in Jim's car, in front of the house.
01:06:36Okay, are you done?
01:06:37Oh, I am never going to let you put this one down.
01:06:41Absolutely not, sister.
01:06:43Do you have the coconut cake?
01:06:44I already ate it, I got something else.
01:06:47Light her up?
01:06:48Alright.
01:06:56Okay.
01:06:57Done.
01:06:59Happy birthday, baby girl.
01:07:00I love you.
01:07:01I love you.
01:07:02Thanks.
01:07:04Okay now, Evie said the words.
01:07:06I don't feel like it today.
01:07:08I'm not asking.
01:07:11I'm thankful for my birthday and every day.
01:07:16I'm thankful for the chance to get older that some people never get.
01:07:22I'm thankful for my family and friends and this here red velvet cupcake.
01:07:31Get a big ol' bite, sister.
01:07:34Mmm.
01:07:35Mmm.
01:07:35That's good.
01:07:37Mmm.
01:07:40Oh, Jesus.
01:07:42That's rude.
01:07:44What?
01:07:44Is somebody there?
01:07:45Mm-hmm.
01:07:47Show me.
01:07:47Show me.
01:07:50Hey!
01:07:50You big jerk face!
01:07:51Why don't you back the fuck up?
01:07:52Stop!
01:07:53I'm still trying to get that job.
01:07:55Why do you think I've been doing all these posts about Ace?
01:07:58What are you talking about?
01:07:59I'm growing my following the old-fashioned way.
01:08:01Lots of cryptic posts about love.
01:08:08Oh, my God.
01:08:09You gotta take these down right now.
01:08:10I can't.
01:08:11They got shitloads of views.
01:08:13I can't believe you'd do this to him.
01:08:15What?
01:08:16It's fine.
01:08:17He's not even online.
01:08:19Right.
01:08:19But the studio people that hired him are.
01:08:23And you can clearly tell it's him in this last one.
01:08:26I can't believe you'd do this.
01:08:28Ashley, it's fine.
01:08:30No, it is not.
01:08:31Do you even know why he's alone for the holidays?
01:08:33He's recovering from surgery.
01:08:35Right.
01:08:35And he doesn't want anyone to know so he can keep his next job.
01:08:38It's a big one, Evie.
01:08:40I would think you of all people would respect his privacy.
01:08:43Ash.
01:08:44Ash?
01:08:45Don't Ash me.
01:08:46Look.
01:08:46Take that shit down.
01:08:48Now.
01:08:48I gotta go.
01:08:49Take that shit down now.
01:08:51Now.
01:08:55Oh, Jesus.
01:09:35Brian, talk to me.
01:09:37So, down to business.
01:09:38You didn't get the role of Emma.
01:09:40What?
01:09:41Why?
01:09:42I have thousands of new followers.
01:09:45Andrea saw you last posed and said it's no bino.
01:09:48But we'll get the next one.
01:09:49Well, we ended up killing him.
01:09:50Ah!
01:09:52Fuck!
01:09:58Shit.
01:10:06What do you think, Coach?
01:10:08It's better.
01:10:10Yeah?
01:10:12Long-time fanboy, huh?
01:10:15Suits you.
01:10:16The red.
01:10:17You know, I could drive you over there.
01:10:19She doesn't live that far away.
01:10:20Oh, my buddy's waiting for me out front.
01:10:23So, the house is yours.
01:10:27Oh, and...
01:10:27I, uh...
01:10:30I got you something.
01:10:38Thanks.
01:10:45Hey, do you remember the first time we met?
01:10:48Yeah.
01:10:49I was kind of a bitch, I guess.
01:10:51No, you weren't.
01:10:55I was trying to get a kiss from Riley Tippett.
01:11:04Gross!
01:11:11Hey, Ace.
01:11:14You know what my Mimi always says?
01:11:17The bus comes along every ten minutes.
01:11:23What does that mean?
01:11:24It means you'll be a heartbreaker after puberty.
01:11:34Beat it, squirt.
01:11:40Puberty.
01:11:42And I have been a cookie-jerk fan ever since.
01:11:47You were...
01:11:50Magic.
01:11:53I was young and full of myself.
01:11:56So, be old and full of yourself.
01:11:59Full of something.
01:12:03All right.
01:12:04Beat it, squirt.
01:12:07Eve, I...
01:12:08Ace, actually, I want to tell you something.
01:12:11The other night, I was so messed up.
01:12:16You've been posting about me.
01:12:19That's what I wanted to tell you.
01:12:20See, that wasn't even about you.
01:12:22It's just the other...
01:12:23What the hell?
01:12:24Why would you do this?
01:12:26Listen, I...
01:12:27I don't want to hear it.
01:12:29No.
01:12:57I don't want to hear it.
01:12:59It's Christmas Eve in the city
01:13:04And all around the world
01:13:14Bianca.
01:13:15Hey, you.
01:13:16Can I grab you a mug?
01:13:18I'm sorry.
01:13:19Where's Ace?
01:13:20He only drinks raw eggs and lives in dry fat.
01:13:28Trying to do things a little different.
01:13:32It's good to see you.
01:13:59It's good to see you.
01:14:10I don't know.
01:14:46Eve Carter.
01:14:47Hey, you calling to yell at me again on Christmas Eve?
01:14:49I got my kids on the speakerphone so they can hear everything.
01:14:52No, Charlie.
01:14:54Well, Christmas with more jerks wasn't quite right without you.
01:14:57So, Sadana, it turns out, is quite the shit-piva.
01:15:01So, that's on me.
01:15:03Can you forgive me?
01:15:05Maybe, listen.
01:15:07I need a favor.
01:15:10Are you ready to fall in love this Christmas?
01:15:15I never miss a tour.
01:15:18It's a kiss on my top of your shoes.
01:15:22I knew a girl you should know.
01:15:25No.
01:15:27Eve?
01:15:30What are you doing here?
01:15:32What, came to finish the job, just needed an audience?
01:15:36Go ahead, just do it to my face.
01:15:37I don't even have my phone.
01:15:39Sorry if I don't believe you.
01:15:41It's fair.
01:15:42Who's this?
01:15:46Cookie jerk!
01:15:49Oh, my gosh.
01:15:50Let's take a selfie.
01:16:00Why are you here-y?
01:16:03I just wanted to make sure you got here okay.
01:16:05If you did.
01:16:06You're doing great.
01:16:07So, I'm just going to go.
01:16:12You screwed up.
01:16:15I'm so focused on what I wanted, I wasn't even thinking about you.
01:16:18I just wanted you out of that house.
01:16:22Somebody told me recently that if I wanted something, I should go for it on my terms.
01:16:27But the thing is, right now, all I want is just a little more time with you.
01:16:37Oh, thank you.
01:16:38Mistletoe!
01:16:40Who is next?
01:16:42Come on.
01:16:42We talked about this, Simon.
01:16:45Consent!
01:16:45Okay, well, I-
01:16:47Are you okay?
01:16:49Wow.
01:16:51She's, like, obsessed with you.
01:16:54That's...
01:16:55So sad.
01:17:12You're saying no?
01:17:14Andrea saw that viral party video.
01:17:17She wants you now for Emma.
01:17:19And you're passing?
01:17:20Is this some kind of mid-life crisis thing?
01:17:22No.
01:17:23But you're bailing on the plastic surgery trip?
01:17:26Well, I'm still going to get my Botox, because I'm not an animal.
01:17:30And Andrea said I could shadow her while she directs Emma this summer.
01:17:33So you want to direct now?
01:17:36I'm getting whiplash over here.
01:17:39Look, I've got to get back to my family.
01:17:42Yeah, of course.
01:17:44Let's talk next week.
01:17:45Maybe you'll come to your senses.
01:17:47Merry Christmas.
01:17:49Merry Christmas to you, too.
01:17:52Group shot!
01:18:03Next stop, Claremont Rooftop.
01:18:06Havana Club!
01:18:12Let's just go to a bar.
01:18:25Why, Satan?
01:18:27Why?
01:18:28Why?
01:19:07Christmas with jerks.
01:19:35Hey, Mac.
01:19:38Yeah, you saw the post.
01:19:40Look, I'm really sorry.
01:19:44Wait, what?
01:19:47They want to offer me what?
01:19:55Ho, ho, ho!
01:19:58Merry Christmas!
01:20:15Do you want to get down tonight?
01:20:18Do the Christmas boogie and it feels all right.
01:20:21Sing a little music, move your feet, feel it, turn around to the crazy feet.
01:20:26Aren't you tired of driving that same old sleigh?
01:20:28You deserve it now.
01:20:30Just play, play, play.
01:20:31No one's gonna miss you for now.
01:20:33No one's gonna miss you for now, so come on, Daniel, let yourself go.
01:20:41Eve?
01:20:51Ah!
01:20:53I don't know if you want to get to stay in the multiverse, they're gonna let me coordinate.
01:20:58Are you sad you won't be in the spandex?
01:21:02Uh, with the higher rate, I think I'll survive.
01:21:08You know, I was getting dressed.
01:21:11Huh?
01:21:12My ankle.
01:21:15I wasn't driving a car out of a plane, I was getting dressed.
01:21:20Got my foot caught in my underwear and I tripped.
01:21:25I guess I'm, I guess I'm getting...
01:21:28Old.
01:21:31Well, today's my birthday.
01:21:38I really like your suit.
01:21:44She wanted you back.
01:21:49Yeah.
01:21:51She just...
01:21:54Doesn't really like me.
01:21:59What's not to like?
01:22:05You know, my body says you're something special.
01:22:09Your brain?
01:22:11Says we might kill each other.
01:22:13Oh, we're definitely gonna kill each other.
01:22:17I just wanna be with you for Christmas.
01:22:22Wrap you up in a big red ball.
01:22:26All I got for Christmas was a candy cane.
01:22:30Oh my God.
01:22:32You did the line.
01:22:33You did the line and you made it naughty.
01:22:42You are magic.
01:22:46You are overdressed.
01:22:50I couldn't agree more.
01:22:52Oh my God.
01:22:54Oh no, no, no.
01:22:56Oh.
01:22:58Are you okay?
01:23:00No.
01:23:01I'm ace.
01:23:04come on and fill my christmas stocking turn on all my christmas lights
01:23:15i'm gonna need to piggyback your ass of the bed aren't i
01:23:20here we go
01:23:33christmas came twice for real
01:23:42merry christmas eve
01:23:50found your little friend
01:23:54her name is maude
01:23:56she could be your friend too
01:24:01oh oh oh okay
01:24:09you big old dirty slut
01:24:11i knew it
01:24:15merry christmas
01:24:17you're buying me new shoots
01:24:19both of you
01:24:23does this have other settings
01:24:25oh it goes faster
01:24:27oh hello
01:24:34christmas with jerks
01:24:43christmas with jerks
01:24:46christmas with jerks
01:24:52christmas with jerks
01:24:58christmas with jerks
01:25:14christmas with jerks
01:25:27christmas with jerks
01:25:30christmas with jerks
01:25:35christmas with jerks
01:25:39christmas with jerks
01:25:46christmas with jerks
01:25:55christmas with jerks
01:26:02christmas with jerks
01:26:11christmas with jerks
01:26:18christmas with jerks
01:26:22christmas with jerks
01:26:26christmas with jerks
01:26:28christmas with jerks
01:26:31christmas with jerks
01:26:34rigtmas com pounds
01:26:34christmas with jerks
01:26:34christmas ććć¦ jerks