- 16 saat önce
Very Important People S01E03
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00:19Now, I put myself inside my age situations, right, like this, I've got no fucking fear to die,
00:27I'm having a fucking butchers at Britain's Hardest Cake.
00:46Now, we all know what a fucking cake is, yeah?
00:51Nice bit of gear you have round your nens,
00:54brioche, bits all with a sponge,
00:57cherry boatwheels,
00:59but this ain't that sort of cake.
01:02Fair to say, I'm fucking shitting myself.
01:06All right, sunshine?
01:08All right?
01:08Good as gold?
01:09Yeah, yeah.
01:11All right, Brenda, let's have a look.
01:15Fuck my old boots.
01:19That is fucking rock hard.
01:21How long's that been sat on this fucking rack, Brenda?
01:25That's been there for about three weeks.
01:27From outside, this just looks like a normal house.
01:31You wouldn't think that inside is possibly the hardest fucking cake in the whole fucking country just sat there, bold
01:38as brass.
01:40I'll try and cut a piece off by you.
01:42Oh, sort it out, Brenda.
01:44You having a bubble, isn't she?
01:46Fucking bread knife now.
01:48You getting that?
01:50How am I going to get that whole bit of cake down my Gregory?
01:54I've only just met Brenda, and I'm trying to hold it together, but this is a very naughty cake.
02:10Fuck me, that is dry.
02:13That is dry as a fucking bone.
02:17Oh, that's hurt me teeth, Brenda.
02:20Oh, fucking, I'm sweating.
02:22I'm sweating.
02:24There was no moisture in that cake whatsoever.
02:28Brenda's a fucking nutty old Boris, and I like her, but I've seen enough.
02:33This ain't my caper.
02:35I'm an actor.
02:35I pretend.
02:36This stuff's for real.
02:38I've got to do one.
02:44Mmm, this new yoghurt is literally my best friend.
02:50We've only really scratched the surface of what this stuff can do.
02:54Apparently, someone was saying that a lady filled a pair of swimming goggles with it and wore them for the
03:00day, and her visions improved 100%.
03:04Someone else rubbed it all over her car, and in the morning, her car was a much better make-up
03:10car.
03:11Why not try sticking some yoghurt into your bank account?
03:14You might double your money in a week.
03:16We just don't know.
03:17Yoghurt, now available in cigarette flavour, for people giving up smoking.
03:25I mean, the problem with celebrity is one quick puff on the fame pipe, and you're scurrying around for approval,
03:33like a coot rat-headed lipstick.
03:36I mean, take me, Chia-li-bu-ru-ca.
03:41I'm caught in a red-carpeted vortex, getting more and more famous by the day for denouncing fame.
03:50Yes, we'll go to France then, Charlie, you fuckburger.
03:54I'm pretty confident no one will give a shit about you there.
04:01God, just listen to him, ranting on in some endless opinionated monologue.
04:08It's not even a nice, understated internal monologue.
04:12No, because that's not showy enough for Mr Carpethead over there.
04:17I'm stuck in some sort of celebrity limbo.
04:21I might as well be opposing the Hitler regime by protesting in a camp, going on a hunger strike and
04:28gassing myself to death.
04:30Hey, referencing Hitler is my thing.
04:33He stole that from me, the turd.
04:36I mean, if I don't get a grip now, I'll end up leaking a sex tape or endorsing bloody custard
04:43creams, and Connie would hate that.
04:47Ah, the custard cream.
04:49Now, there's a decent biscuit, a proper topic for a monologue.
04:54That's what people want to laugh at, dickhead biscuits.
04:58I mean, I'll end up a brand, a mogul, like P bloody Diddy.
05:04I don't want bitches and riches.
05:06I'm quite happy here in my inexplicably untidy room, ranting on about how much I hate celebrity.
05:14Oh, fuck off, Charlie, you absolutely love it.
05:19Oh, shit.
05:21I actually said that out loud, didn't I?
05:26Digestive biscuit, Charlie?
05:38Hiya, I'm Amy, and this is very important news.
05:42It's like news around you, but not as intense.
05:46Now, the ratings war between BJT and The Voice has got well out of hand.
05:51And the government have insisted the two sides find some sort of resolution so the country can finally get some
05:59peace in that.
06:00Here is our exclusive footage of the negotiations.
06:06Your ratings have dropped, you're not mean enough, your results aren't live, you need to make a deal.
06:16So, I want the swivel chairs.
06:18How bloody dare you, you bastard!
06:21Leave it, Tom, it's not worth it, yeah?
06:24All right, you can have the swivel chairs, dude.
06:26If we can have the dancing dog.
06:31Okay, the dog's yours.
06:33Hmm.
06:35But, I want the bald woman.
06:38Oh, dude, not the bald one.
06:42Okay, I'll have a Danny boy.
06:45Okay, I'm gonna go.
06:46You want me to go?
06:46We'll go.
06:47All right, then.
06:48We'll have that David while I have.
06:50Not him.
06:52Not negotiable.
06:54Why don't we create a new format together?
06:59You know, a great big coalition show with me in charge.
07:04You know, we'll have talented singers and bald dogs and judges judging on swivel thrones or something.
07:13You know, a revolution in television.
07:18Who's in?
07:21Yeah, go on, then.
07:22Your voice is lame, anyway.
07:25Our Will's just tweeted he's in, too, so...
07:28Ah, I should go in.
07:30Okay, okay, I'm gonna go in.
07:31Pudsey?
07:34Tom?
07:36Are you in?
07:39Elvis Presley once said to me,
07:42he said, Tom, fuck this.
07:49That's the most important news there'll ever be.
07:53There'll be slightly less important news later.
07:55Bye, honey.
08:01Ladies and gentlemen,
08:05here,
08:07we have pig DNA.
08:09And here,
08:12human DNA.
08:14And never
08:15shall the two be mixed together.
08:28Shit.
08:29Shit.
08:47Call me Perez Hilton, you bitches!
08:54I understand it's alive.
08:57But what's it feeding on?
09:00According to this,
09:01it's feeding on human misery.
09:03And tittle-tattle.
09:06OMG!
09:07Where's his back here?
09:10OMG!
09:11Britney's fat ankles!
09:14OMG!
09:16Ted Danson, the reptile is un-one!
09:24Coming this fall,
09:26half pig,
09:27half man,
09:29all wrong.
09:31It's Perez Hilton.
09:33Where is it?
09:34It's escaped.
09:36We've tracked it down to Los Angeles,
09:37and, well,
09:39it started a blog.
09:40Well, shut it down.
09:41But, sir,
09:42according to this data,
09:43it's got ten million people reading it.
09:45And counting.
09:49OMG!
09:51Perez here!
09:52Hi, bitches!
09:55Some people are gay,
09:57but they don't want to publicize.
10:00Well, that's no fun, is it?
10:02I love to see people fail.
10:05I love gossip.
10:06I love celebrities.
10:08I am Satan.
10:10Fuck!
10:13Celebrities are having to pretend to be friends with it out of fear.
10:18Created a monster.
10:21It's alive,
10:23but it has no soul.
10:26The Perez Hilton experiment.
10:29OMG!
10:31A baseball!
10:32I'm going to take over the world!
10:35Whoa!
10:53Right, Adele.
10:55What's, er,
10:55what's the problem, then?
10:57Yeah, mate.
10:58I've done a load of colours,
10:59and I'm getting all doled up to go video awards,
11:02and I get the block on,
11:03and suddenly I'm thinking I can smell cheese,
11:05or moss,
11:05or that smell you get onto watch when you're, like, 15.
11:08So I start grabbing all my tops,
11:09because the Joe backsies during, like, four minutes,
11:11and Salim starts to meet her,
11:12like, the minute he gets here.
11:14And all my togs feels chalky on me hands,
11:16which is a nightmare,
11:17because chalk brings out me eczema,
11:19which it do is, like, no fucking way,
11:20because you might shake hands with, like, Justin Bieber,
11:22and end up in Heat magazine
11:23with a big red ring of shame around you.
11:26Gutted!
11:28Sorry, so what,
11:29is there something wrong with your washing machine, or...?
11:32Yeah, mate!
11:33So I phoned up Denise,
11:34and she's like,
11:34why don't you knock on shemmerings on the way
11:35and borrow that top shoe worn at Ministry,
11:37and then drop all your gear off with Jean at the laundrette,
11:40because she don't finish till gone nine anyway,
11:41because she picks her car up from karate.
11:43He's only nine,
11:43but he keeps getting picked on for being ginger.
11:46Gutted!
11:47I don't know what you actually want me to do.
11:51Gutted!
11:57I know it ain't right
12:00The cycle isn't finishing
12:05I've made up my mind
12:07Would you be so kind as to take a look
12:13My washing machine?
12:18Have I got a leaking pump?
12:22Or is the motor fucked?
12:30Oh, is my washer burst?
12:35Or do I just need a new drain hose?
12:39Even though it leads nowhere
12:43Oh, could you disconnect
12:47My outlet pipe from my U-Bend
12:51And fish about and see what's there?
12:56Please don't walk away
12:59From my foisty-smelling jumpers
13:04I'll even put the kettle on
13:10Keith
13:15I, um...
13:18I'm gonna go and get my tools
13:29Next in the clinic, it's Sanjita
13:31It's taken a lot of courage for her
13:34to come and seek help from Dr Christian
13:37So it's painstably clear what the issue is here
13:42How long have you had this growth for, Sanjita?
13:45A long time
13:46I was scared to go to the doctors
13:49Oh, silly, that's old-fashioned doctors
13:52Not modern ones like me
13:54I write for FHM and snowboard and shit
13:58Okay
14:00Now, I'm sure we can find a diagnosis for you, my lovely
14:05What I'm gonna ask you to do
14:08is take your clothes off
14:10and step on this stepladder
14:12and just hold your vagina open
14:15whilst we throw confetti at it
14:17and over the top of that footage
14:20we'll play There's No Business
14:22like Show Business
14:23and probably pop it into black and white
14:26like the golden age of Hollywood
14:28Okay, my lovely
14:30Okay, my lovely
15:01Gary, you're f***ing useless
15:03You know, watching the tide come in and out of this cove
15:12from this high vantage point
15:14is like a micro lesson in the subtle shifting gravitational forces
15:18that rule the universe
15:21It's like me retro leather jacket
15:23So the naked eye looks vintage, doesn't it?
15:27It's not, though
15:27Got it from Urban Outfitters
15:30Bought a lava lamp in there as well
15:33signifying that lava lamps are back in
15:36again
15:39Oh, keep it on me, Gary
15:44Keep it on me
15:45Not in your job for
15:48Income
15:49Oh, f***ing hell
15:53Science
16:01Hi, babes
16:02I'm Amy Childs
16:04and this is very important
16:06of course, professional
16:10Angry Birds
16:12has become the biggest selling app
16:14in the world
16:15They've just opened
16:17an Angry Birds theme park, too
16:20That's just Primark on a Saturday, isn't it?
16:24I'll just do a joke
16:26Nobody
16:30Ah, well, blessed
16:33Normal girl Stacey Solomon
16:35has given birth to a normal little baby
16:38I'll tell you what is well sweet, though
16:41A DVD of the birth
16:43was free with a newspaper today
16:45Let's have a look at it
16:49Oh, my God
16:50Oh, my God
16:51I can't believe this is happening
16:53Oh, my God
16:55Don't panic
16:56I'm not
16:57That's just the way I talk
17:00Oh, here we go
17:03It's happening
17:04Okay, okay, Stacey
17:05Good girl
17:06Nice deep breaths
17:07Come on
17:08Oh, my God
17:09Just give me the mask
17:18Tell me star Maria Fowler
17:20has set out to prove she ain't racist
17:23after a Twitter round with some bloke from X Factor
17:27She did this by posing in her pants
17:30in the Daily Star
17:31This is, like, so open-minded
17:34because it don't matter if you're, like, a black guy
17:37or a white guy
17:38or a mixed race guy
17:40whatever
17:40You can still have a look at her boobs
17:42in the paper
17:44Professional
17:46and, finally, thousands of people in Greece
17:49are being forced to look in bins for food
17:51That is all very important news, like, honey
17:56Makes me starving, actually, talking about food
18:03Watcha
18:04Jonathan Ross here
18:05Now, you all know me as the king of chat and award shows
18:08but there's something else I do
18:10that no one knows or really cares about
18:13I spend my evenings up in my den
18:16writing comic books
18:17featuring me and my showbiz pals
18:20come with me into a world of wonder
18:23otherwise known as the Midlife Crisis
18:26First, it's the Stare
18:29You might know him as Russell Brand
18:31He uses his stare to kill baddies
18:34and hypnotise the ladies
18:36Next, it's David Walliams
18:39known as the Velvet Pocket
18:41He uses his TARDIS-like anus
18:43as a lock-up for stuff he steals from the rich
18:46to give to the poor
18:48Crikey!
18:49The orphans will be pleased with that
18:50Finally, there's me
18:52Professor Ross
18:54The silver-tongued, floppy-haired old charmer
18:56with a gift for the game
18:58Kaboom!
18:59the
19:08Crack's alive!
19:10It's a long way up
19:11How are you doing my showbiz pals?
19:13My stores of joy-de-viva
19:15are somewhat depleted
19:17bruised
19:18Absolutely knackered
19:21Have a dig around in my Velvet Pocket, Russell
19:24I'm sure there's something in there that will raise our spirits.
19:37A jetpack! Smashing!
19:42Now hop on, my super trusty pals!
19:52What can you see with your super stare, wassail?
20:04Precise is ouch, no order, eff all, nothing, now.
20:09Do you want me to do any filming at all?
20:12Not now, my showbiz chum. I fear we might have been lured here as a twig.
20:21Clever boy, Dr. Wass.
20:24Crumbs! It's the Daily Mail, our sworn enemy!
20:28You're all as bad as each other, with your foul mouths and your money and your glamorous lives.
20:35I won't rest until I've made you as miserable as me.
20:39No chance, you twisted hate-wag. Mid-life crisis.
20:44Oh! Immigrants are coming!
20:51Bird flu!
20:53Mortgage stuff!
20:57Open the velvet pocket.
21:01It's not a bumble, you!
21:03No, no, you won't! Get away with it!
21:09Crumbs alive!
21:11The Daily Mail's gone right up your arse!
21:14Right, well, I'll just do a little bit of swimming out into the channel and dump this horrible load.
21:22Brilliant!
21:23Big score for the wassy-possy.
21:25Now, all back to the HQ for a debrief and a big willy fight.
21:30Oh, mid-life crisis.
21:32Ho!
21:40Coming up next, Natalie Cassidy is doing this now.
21:55Probably saw me on that Celebrity Big Brother, didn't you?
21:59I used to be Sonia off EastEnders.
22:01Did some proper dramatic bits and all.
22:05Squeezed a baby out on a couch once.
22:07What?
22:08Just doing this now.
22:10Shifting me room about.
22:12Thought I'd try me bed up against a wall this time.
22:16Supposed to have it in the middle these days, ain't ya?
22:19What's it, Cole?
22:19Thanks, Shooey.
22:24Dad!
22:26The wasps are back!
22:30Next week on Natalie Cassidy is doing this now.
22:35All right?
22:38Just doing one of my old exercise DVTs.
22:43Parts that I remembered.
22:50I'm Bear Grylls and I'm gonna show you what it takes to survive deep in the bosom of suburbia.
23:04Okay, and if the rumours I've gleaned from the local inhabitants are correct, this place could have just what I
23:12need.
23:31Okay, and this is a local residence meeting about parking.
23:36I don't give a shit about that.
23:38I'm here for these lifesavers.
23:41Hot tea and coffee and a selection of biscuits.
23:55That's recharged the batteries.
23:57Enough of this parking chat.
23:59It's doing my head in.
24:09Okay, charity shops.
24:12Now these places often have bin bags outside them in the evenings.
24:19And it looks like I've got myself some warm clothes here.
24:23And that's a broken game of Kinect 4, but it's all pretty good stuff.
24:33Okay, let's keep moving.
24:38Okay, and these guys are true heroes.
24:43And they've probably been on this spot for a month or so using survival techniques that they've mastered over the
24:53many years.
24:54I gave them Kinect 4 to win their trust.
24:57By the time they realise it's broken, I'll be long gone.
25:02It's a beautiful evening.
25:11I'm freezing now.
25:13And there's some pretty weird noises and weird smells.
25:20And I smoked a little bit of crack.
25:23I feel like shit.
25:27So what I'm going to do is level with you.
25:32And this whole suburban survival thing is bullshit.
25:40I was kicked out by my wife.
25:46So what I need to do is maybe get home.
25:52And kiss some major arse.
25:55And try and patch things up.
25:57And if I see an all-night garage, maybe I'll stop and get some flowers.
26:07It's time for a change.
26:09Why not try our yoghurt 12-day diet challenge?
26:13You don't need to join the gym or move about or anything.
26:16Just eat this yoghurt.
26:19Our scientists have spent months coming up with new words,
26:23such as belly flow, laxy, tum tum.
26:25And then putting them in the yoghurt.
26:28And they really work.
26:30New yoghurt keeps everything flowing so amazingly
26:33that it's even worked its way down into the sewers now.
26:36And it's clearing blockages and freshening it up down there.
26:41Experts say that in 10 years' time,
26:44families will actually be going on holiday to the sewers.
26:48So don't miss out.
26:50Transform your body and life today with some of this yoghurt.
26:56Jesus said he was going to come back, didn't he?
26:59What if he came back as a yoghurt?
27:02Think about it.
27:07If you want to turn yourself into one of the celebs in the show,
27:11hit channel4.com slash vip and vip yourself with our special app.
27:17Next up, talking new movies with Ray Winston
27:20and Sacha Baron Cohen as the dictator.
27:24Get fruity on the chatty man sofa.
27:50Now, I put myself in some age situations, right?
27:54I've got no fucking fear.
27:57Today, I'm having a fucking butcher's at Britain's Hardest Cake.
28:16Now, we all know what a fucking cake is, yeah?
28:21Nice bit of gear you have round your nans.
28:25Brioche.
28:26Victoria sponge.
28:28Cherry bike wheels.
28:30But this ain't that sort of cake.
28:32Fair to say, I'm fucking shitting myself.
28:37All right, sunshine?
28:38All right?
28:39Good as gold?
28:40Yeah, yeah.
28:41All right, Brenda.
28:42Let's have a look.
28:45Fuck my old boots.
28:50That is fucking rock hard.
28:52How long's that been sat on this fucking rack, Brenda?
28:55That's been there for about three weeks.
28:58From outside, this just looks like a normal house.
29:02You wouldn't think that inside is possibly the hardest fucking cake
29:06in the whole fucking country just sat there, bold as brass.
29:10I'll try and cut a piece off by you.
29:13I saw it out, Brenda.
29:14You having a bubble, ain't ya?
29:17Fucking bread knife now.
29:19You getting that?
29:20How am I going to get that whole bit of cake down my Gregory?
29:24I've only just met Brenda, and I'm trying to hold it together.
29:28But this is a very naughty cake.
29:41Fuck me, that is dry.
29:44That is dry as a fucking bone.
29:48Oh, that's hurting me teeth, Brenda.
29:50Oh, I'm fucking...
29:52I'm sweating.
29:53I'm sweating.
29:54There was no moisture in that cake whatsoever.
29:59Brenda's a fucking nutty old Boris and I like her,
30:02but I've seen enough.
30:04This ain't my caper.
30:05I'm an actor.
30:06I pretend.
30:07This stuff's for real.
30:09I've got to do one.
30:15Mmm, this new yogurt is literally my best friend.
30:20We've only really scratched the surface of what this stuff can do.
30:25Apparently, someone was saying that a lady filled a pair of swimming goggles with it
30:29and wore them for the day, and her visions improved 100%.
30:34Someone else rubbed it all over her car.
30:37And in the morning, her car was a much better make of car.
30:41Why not try sticking some yogurt into your bank account?
30:45You might double your money in a week, we just don't know.
30:49Yoghurt, now available in cigarette flavour, for people giving up smoking.
30:55I mean, the problem with celebrity is one quick puff on the fame pipe
31:01and you're scurrying around for approval, like a coot rat-heading lipstick.
31:06I mean, take me, Chia-li-bu-ru-ca.
31:11I'm caught in a red carpeted vortex getting more and more famous by the day for denouncing fame.
31:20Yes, we'll go to France then, Charlie, you fuckburger.
31:25I'm pretty confident no one will give a shit about you there.
31:32God, just listen to him, ranting on in some endless opinionated monologue.
31:39It's not even a nice understated internal monologue.
31:43No, because that's not showy enough for Mr Carpet Head over there.
31:48I'm stuck in some sort of celebrity limbo.
31:52I might as well be opposing the Hitler regime by protesting in a camp,
31:57going on a hunger strike and gassing myself to death.
32:01Hey, hey, referencing Hitler is my thing.
32:04He stole that from me, the turd.
32:07I mean, if I don't get a grip now, I'll end up leaking a sex tape
32:12or endorsing bloody custard creams and Connie would hate that.
32:18Ah, the custard cream.
32:20Now there's a decent biscuit, a proper topic for a monologue.
32:25That's what people want to laugh at, dickhead biscuits.
32:28I mean, I'll end up a brand, a mogul like P bloody Diddy.
32:35I don't want bitches and riches.
32:36I'm quite happy here in my inexplicably untidy room,
32:41ranting on about how much I hate celebrity.
32:45Oh, fuck off, Charlie. You absolutely love it.
32:50Oh, shit. I actually said that out loud, didn't I?
32:56Digestive biscuit, Charlie.
32:59Yeah, good night.
32:59Okay, good night.
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