- 7 hours ago
Rivals - Season 1 Episode 2
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00:17You know you're not lying, things we do
00:21Only it hurts to know that you're true
00:26It's easy to go down and hide
00:30Where's the world without losing pride
00:34We're gonna do real good
00:36Yeah, I gotta dress so well
00:41And on the day fourth-form pupils begin studying for their new GCSE exams,
00:48we put a group of conscious to shopkeepers through their paces
00:51to see how much they can remember from their O-level maths
00:56Meanwhile, here at Carinium, we are buzzing with excitement for our new live show, Declan
01:04Declan's first guest will be Hollywood Hellraiser Johnny Friedlander
01:09One of the cinema's brightest stars, in his first interview since being the unfortunate victim of a sex tape scandal
01:16two years ago
01:17The reclusive star is on his way to Carinium Studios as we speak
01:23Can Declan O'Hara coax him out of his shell?
01:27And what about those James Bond rumors?
01:32That's Declan, live tonight at eight o'clock
01:35With his very first interview here at Carinium
01:38Right after Coronation Street
01:40I'll definitely be tuning in
01:56Run!
01:57Run!
02:13Oh, my God.
02:50Oh, my God.
03:13Oh, my God.
03:19Oh, my God.
03:36Oh, my God.
03:40Mr. Freelander, welcome to Carinium.
03:43Please, call me Johnny.
03:45Tony Badding, please come on through.
03:57Your first live audience.
03:59You're not going to wear those socks on the program.
04:02We get this right, Gertrude.
04:03No one will be looking at me feet.
04:17Good night, ladies.
04:19Good night, ladies.
04:37All right, sir.
04:39Showtime, everyone.
04:40Yeah.
04:40Sure is.
04:46So, Paddy and Mick are walking to the pub, and they spot a sign saying tree fellas wanted.
04:51So, Paddy turns to Mick and he says, well, isn't it a shame there's only the two of us?
04:55You know, I can hear you, Brian.
04:57You don't tell jokes about Jews or blacks anymore, so why are you picking on the Irish?
05:01Okay, mate.
05:02Can we get some level?
05:03Cut the fucking Paddy jokes or I'll knock you from here to the Irish Sea.
05:06Is that level enough for you?
05:08Yeah.
05:08Loud and clear story, Declan.
05:12Cameron, are you there?
05:14What am I supposed to do with the cards?
05:17We talked about this.
05:18Declan O'Hara doesn't hide behind a desk.
05:21If you'd let me see the questions, I could have fed them to you.
05:26Just trust me, will you?
05:32Where's Johnny?
05:34Houston, do we have a problem?
05:40Declan's a journalist of international stature, so the fact that he left the BBC for us,
05:45it's got a compliment on that.
05:46It's all very impressive, Lord B.
05:48Of course, it's the wife who's the TV viewer around our house.
05:51Well, it's documentaries mostly, but I do find Dallas a guilty pleasure.
05:55Well, who doesn't love Dallas?
05:58Hi.
05:58Hi.
05:59Thanks for sneaking me in.
06:00Some of our new programmes can give J.R. a run for his money.
06:03Have you seen Four Men Went to Mow?
06:05Well, the goose is here.
06:06Excuse me a minute.
06:09Lady Gosling, so good of you to come.
06:11Do you know the Reverend Penny, my deputy on the Franchise Renewal Committee?
06:15Of course.
06:16Welcome.
06:16Well, looking forward to some scrupulous broadcast journalism tonight.
06:20I was just remarking, what with there being a set in every living room these days,
06:25television companies must recognise that they are the custodians of the nation's morality.
06:45I'm working.
06:53Showtime, Mr. Freelander.
07:01That's Four Men Went to Mow, Wednesday night, nine o'clock.
07:05Oh, lovely.
07:07That's a very nice line.
07:09How long have we got?
07:12I'll get it.
07:17I think we just found our frogs.
07:23Tuck.
07:24Tuck, it's him.
07:25Oh, my God.
07:25This isn't daring me.
07:30Hello, Rupert.
07:31Where's he, darling?
07:32We were just passing.
07:33Successful day?
07:35Well, little fucker gave us the slip.
07:37Hunt us interrupters.
07:39Sorry.
07:40Hello, my name's Caitlin.
07:41How are you?
07:45Sit, bunny girl.
07:49Hello, you found the Holy Grail.
07:51It is okay, Declan.
07:52The eagle has landed.
08:01Can you have some level, please?
08:03What did you have for breakfast, Johnny?
08:05Want to give me a rest?
08:07Declan looks nervous.
08:09He cut me dead earlier.
08:10It's awfully uncool to get so uptight.
08:12Shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.
08:15And run music.
08:17Five.
08:19Four.
08:22Three.
08:25Two.
08:27One.
08:28And in.
08:29One.
08:31One.
08:40Why aren't you in the audience, Maud?
08:42Daddy gets too nervous if Mum is there.
08:44Isn't it daft?
08:45Because he cares what you think more than anyone in the world.
08:47Oh.
08:48It means I miss a lot of parties.
08:50Good evening.
08:51I'm Declan O'Hara.
08:52My guest tonight is one of the world's most recognisable stars.
08:55He's the star of box office smashes such as Last Man on Mars, Highway 12 and Dog Tag 3, Voyage
09:02to Vietnam, to name just a few.
09:03He's been nominated for numerous awards, but in recent years it's his turbulent personal life.
09:08And, of course, finding himself the victim of a cruel honey trap which has attracted almost as much attention as
09:14his films.
09:14Johnny Friedlander, welcome to the show.
09:16What's it like seeing your ex-partner in grime, Ruth?
09:19You know Johnny Friedlander?
09:20Well, she had a few lovers back in the day.
09:22Yeah, not silly enough to let any of them film me having sex, though.
09:27What a crowd. People are excited to see you.
09:29Well, I've got to say that's nice. It's been a while since I've done one of these.
09:33So why do this interview now?
09:34Yeah, of course.
09:36I feel it's time to move on.
09:38That's what we're here for.
09:40Now, Johnny, your last film was mired in controversy.
09:44There were stories that you were late to set, you picked fights with the director, you passed out of the
09:48wheel while driving under the influence.
09:49See, nobody prepares you for fame. You don't know how you're going to react to being given the keys to
09:54the candy store.
09:55It turns out that I react by overdosing on candy.
09:59You're doing well, don't you think?
10:01Absolutely.
10:03Not sure about the songs.
10:05Yep.
10:05All right, it's Hollywood.
10:06We're reading.
10:09Jesus Christ, he signed up on that.
10:11It would have to be a comedy.
10:14There you go.
10:16And what was it like when you drove off that bridge?
10:22Well, I woke up the second I hit the water, but man, it was scary.
10:26Thank God I was in a convertible or I'd be at the bottom of the river now.
10:31But yeah, I had to get sober.
10:34415 days later, the world looks more beautiful than ever.
10:50Now, shall we talk about the sex tape?
10:55Why not?
10:55The elephant's in the room already, crapping in the corner.
10:59Is the girl okay?
11:01Miss, uh, Miss Cortez?
11:04Hell, I don't know.
11:05You don't see her?
11:06Uh, not on my Christmas card list, no.
11:08But she is, uh, she's an actress, right?
11:11I don't know, uh, we met in a bar.
11:14Hope she got a lot of money out of the whole thing.
11:17Is $5,000 a lot of money?
11:20According to Miss Cortez, that's how much you paid her to have sex with you
11:23and then take the tape to the National Enquirer.
11:25What?
11:27Oh, fuck.
11:29You said you were the victim.
11:31But in fact, you paid her to video herself having sex with you
11:36as if it had been filmed undercover
11:37so that when she took the tape to the press,
11:39you could pretend that you'd been set up?
11:42Simultaneously, getting sympathy as the victim of a honey trap
11:44while reaping a ton of publicity that made you look like a virile sex god.
11:48Yeah, she got publicity too, trust me.
11:50You sat back and let the press vilify her
11:52to the extent that all her acting work dried up.
11:55You could have stepped in and told the truth, but you didn't.
11:58The world would have believed you, but your silence demolished her.
12:03Your stock shot up overnight while Pia Cortez lost her apartment.
12:08$5,000 for a woman's reputation.
12:11Is that a fair price?
12:11What reputation?
12:12She was a porn actress.
12:14I paid her to make a porno.
12:15Oh, my God.
12:17Oh, my God.
12:18Oh, my God.
12:18Oh, my God.
12:18Oh, my God.
12:20Oh, my God.
12:20Oh, my God.
12:22Oh, my God.
12:25Oh, my God.
12:26Oh, my God.
12:29Fuck.
12:30We've lost him.
12:31He's going to walk out.
12:45Oh, man.
12:46I'm an ass.
12:48What did you do?
12:51Tell two to hold on Johnny.
12:54Stay on Johnny.
12:55Now, move in.
12:57Slowly, slowly.
13:00Slowly.
13:01It wouldn't get us on the BBC.
13:04Get me the sweat beating on his brow.
13:06This is the one.
13:07I'd had four flops in a row, and I'm scared.
13:13It's the worst thing about Hollywood is when you're out.
13:17All you can think about is how to get back in.
13:20What a mess.
13:24The worst part is, I really like that girl.
13:31I thought she had something.
13:34What would you say to her?
13:36If she was here?
13:37Yeah, she's an L.A. man.
13:39No.
13:40She might see it.
13:41You never know.
13:46I'm sorry.
13:48Um, sure.
13:56Tia.
13:59If you're watching, I'm sorry.
14:03I'm an ass.
14:05Let me buy you a drink.
14:07Or a car.
14:10Whatever you want.
14:11I'm sorry.
14:22Man, I've been sitting on that seat for too long.
14:25Feel good to get it off your chest.
14:29God, the water here.
14:30Tastes good.
14:32Can I get another?
14:34Join us again after the break when I'll be asking Johnny about James Bond.
14:38Don't go away.
14:40Coming clear!
14:44Stand by, everyone.
14:45Three minutes.
14:46That was more stressful than I expected.
14:48Daddy always goes in for the kill.
14:51He really is a master at this, your deckler.
14:54I mean, is that erotic?
14:55Doing a video?
14:56Well, I think it is if you've made it for each other or you watch it when they're away.
15:01Or watch together.
15:02It's a warm-up.
15:04Yeah, it can be pretty hot.
15:05With the right co-star.
15:07Can't imagine James wanting to make a sex video with me.
15:10The camera puts pounds on you and he already thinks I'm fat.
15:14Well, he's bad.
15:15Yeah.
15:16You're exquisite.
15:20Sandwich?
15:20Anyone?
15:21Yeah, I'm starving.
15:24Oh, my God, you made this, Dougie.
15:26Ambrosial.
15:27Please.
15:28Please tell me you'll come and work for me.
15:29Caitlin, go and fetch another one of these for me, please.
15:31No, I tried working in a restaurant.
15:33It was just, er, it was too hectic.
15:35Well, you could do people's dinner parties and things.
15:38A private chef.
15:39I bet you'd get bookings.
15:41I could put a word around if you'd like.
15:42Caitlin!
15:43Oh, Daddy's back.
15:52Here it is.
15:53Your closet, sir.
16:05Put something against her.
16:06Do you think Johnny Freelander barricades the door?
16:12The guy, he had the most stupid walk.
16:17But I tell you what Cubby Broccoli said when my people called up and suggested me.
16:21He said he'd sooner have James Bond played by a woman.
16:28Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Freelander!
16:42Gentlemen, I promise you told your story.
16:45It's all you can do.
16:46It's all you can do.
16:46It's all you can do.
16:51Johnny Barber, that's good job.
16:54Johnny, you should have fueled our company.
16:56This is Ginger Banes.
16:57Hey, hey.
16:57Bastard spiked Johnny's dressing room.
17:00Gave him a bottle of vodka.
17:01Oh, no, I did that.
17:02What?
17:04Why didn't you tell me?
17:06We needed your first show to be jaw-dropping television.
17:08No way was I leaving that to chance.
17:10And you didn't tell me you were going to skewer the guy live on air.
17:13You don't think he fucks your producer of not to know that?
17:15We didn't need to push him off the wagon.
17:17I didn't need help.
17:18Yeah, you didn't need a desk either, did you?
17:20OK.
17:22Hi, this is Estelle McLeod.
17:23Hi.
17:24Hi, how you doing?
17:25This is Lady Gosling.
17:26Hi, how you doing?
17:27Hello.
17:28Freddie Jones.
17:28Hey, how you doing?
17:29His lovely wife.
17:30Hey, how you doing?
17:31James Orecka.
17:32Hi, how you doing?
17:33This is the backroom boys.
17:35This is Sam.
17:35Hey, how you doing?
17:36Daisy.
17:36Hey, how you doing?
17:37This is Deirdre.
17:38Hey, how you doing?
17:40Hey, how you doing?
17:50You look like a Charlie's angel.
17:54Thanks, Seb.
17:56Looks nice.
17:57He's very good, isn't he?
17:59Like the new jewel in Carindex Crown.
18:02Extraordinary song.
18:04Yeah, so much character.
18:05He's a breath of fresh air.
18:07It's such a shame that you couldn't get Campbell Black onto the board.
18:11Wow.
18:12Is Freddie Jones in the back?
18:13Oh, very much so.
18:14Very much so.
18:16They're much more used to us.
18:17His expertise in technology, business, the real world.
18:22But I've got to say, Declan's got some brass.
18:24I thought Johnny was going to lamp him one.
18:26How do you keep it together?
18:27All that going on?
18:28Can I tell you a secret?
18:30That was my first time taking the show out live.
18:33Did you like it?
18:34Oh, my God.
18:35The adrenaline.
18:36Yes, I loved it.
18:37But please don't ask me any specifics.
18:39It's a blur.
18:39You met Cameron, then?
18:42You need people that can deliver under pressure, don't you?
18:45Diamonds.
18:45Couldn't agree more.
18:46That's why we're courting you for the board.
18:51We'll get in the fuck of a lifetime tonight.
18:56Yeah.
19:09Isn't that crazy?
19:11And then the man started turning up at the house.
19:14I know.
19:14And he was so in love with Mummy.
19:16But then Daddy found out about it.
19:18And that wasn't funny at all.
19:21Caitlin.
19:23Anyway, that's the real reason why we moved out of London.
19:26Daddy's new job came just at the right time.
19:44Mrs. Thatcher tells me if I want to succeed in politics, I have to keep my nose clean.
19:48No more cunnilingus, then.
19:51Maud's got a thumping crush on you.
19:54Declan looks strong.
19:56I'd watch yourself.
20:00Darling, you know I love you to bits.
20:04You never tell me what to do.
20:18You never tell me what to do.
20:24You never said to your dog because you have to do it.
20:25New life in heaven.
20:25Your dad who's a new hunter is a new hunter.
20:25You've been shafted.
20:25You never tell me what to do.
20:25You know I don't.
20:26It's theguyĐ”ĐœĐœĐ°Ń time.
20:26You never tell me what to do.
20:30Look at theĂłrio of the day.
20:30You never tell them this man.
20:48I must be exhausted.
20:51How did I do?
20:53You were wonderful.
21:17Christ, you're wet.
21:20I've been thinking about you coming home all evening.
21:37Oh, what is it?
21:39Everything all right?
21:42A shitting awful evening, actually.
21:43Oh, I'm sorry.
21:46You should have come with me to watch a new Declan show.
21:50That was...
21:51brilliant.
21:59You might be a little more supportive, Lizzie.
22:15I mean, it's only my first date board in school.
22:17It's not like it's momentous or anything, is it?
22:18I'm sorry I can't drive you there.
22:20You know Daddy needs the car this morning.
22:21I didn't mean you.
22:27Bye-bye, gorgeous, ugly dog.
22:34Is Mummy going to start one of her things with Rupert?
22:38I'm not going to keep her secrets again if she does.
22:43Mummy and Daddy are going to be OK.
22:45Keep an eye on them, I promise.
22:49Oh, I'm going to miss you.
22:51Now go.
22:52I'm going.
22:56Just you and me now, pups.
22:57Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
22:58Rabbit, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba.
23:00Jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba.
23:02Jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba, jabba.
23:03Good evening.
23:04I'm Jackson O'Hara.
23:04Call your one, stop talking.
23:07You can open source if you do.
23:08Why don't you give me the rest?
23:11Take it away.
23:12You've got more rabbit than sage prince.
23:14This time you've got it off your chest.
23:19Now you was just the kind of girl to break my heart into.
23:23I knew right up when I first left my eyes on you.
23:26But hours are to know you've been my heroes too.
23:30With your incessant token, you'll be coming up.
23:34That's what we've got time for tonight.
23:35Oh, we're up for today.
23:36Bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby.
23:40Now you're a wonderful girl.
23:44You've got a wonderful smell.
23:47You've got a wonderful smell.
23:50You've got a chance.
23:52You've got a lot of fun.
23:54But hours are tonight.
23:55You've been my heroes too.
23:57With your incessant token.
24:00You'll be coming up.
24:01It's a wonderful girl.
24:03Rebby, bebby, bebby, bebby, bebby.
24:05Rebby, bebby, bebby, bebby.
24:07Rebby, bebby, bebby, bebby.
24:09I'm ready.
24:17Look at all this.
24:19If it's a neighborhood dinner party,
24:21why didn't Valerie Jones invite you to hand me?
24:23I don't know, mommy.
24:24She did, I said we couldn't do it.
24:27What? I've work to do.
24:28I never get to go anywhere.
24:31How can we meet anyone if you're gonna turn down everything
24:34just to prepare your stupid program?
24:36My stupid program is all just paying the bills
24:39on this rotting pile of bricks,
24:40and all you do is spend money.
24:42I mean, why the fuck do we own a harp?
24:44Well, you wanna take my music away from me?
24:45It's all that I have left.
24:46I have to go to work.
24:47No, no, I'm still talking to you.
24:48We can talk about it later.
24:50Good luck, Tag.
24:51Bye.
24:52You know, it's a good job that you bought a priory,
24:54because I might as well be a nun.
24:57You know, he's still punishing me.
24:59I mean, when is it gonna stop?
25:06My congratulations, both of you.
25:0810 million viewers.
25:10I want 12 mil this week.
25:11Huh?
25:12I can't believe you got that story out of Mick Jagger.
25:14People like telling me things.
25:16Psychiatrist to the stars.
25:17So who's next on the couch?
25:19Diana.
25:19Doesn't do TV.
25:20Arnold Schwarzenegger?
25:21Jesus, he couldn't even speak.
25:23Joanna Lumley?
25:24Rupert Campbell Black.
25:25No way.
25:26Celebrity?
25:27Ex-Olympian, a heartthrob, so I'm told,
25:28and now Minister for Sports, surely that's an extraordinary trajectory.
25:31There's no hinterland.
25:32If I'm to interview someone whose politics I despise,
25:35I want to warn the opponent.
25:36Could you stop swinging your dick for a moment?
25:38If you stop swinging your vagina.
25:40Okay, okay, okay, okay.
25:43Declan's right.
25:44Campbell Black's an arrogant brat.
25:46Everything people hate about the upper classes.
25:47Why do you hate him so much?
25:50Because he always gets everything he wants.
25:53Joyce, Rupert Campbell Black.
25:55I wasn't surprised when the wife left.
25:57He'll never settle, will he?
26:00Doesn't that make him an interesting interview?
26:02He's the only man in England who can come out of a sex scandal with a promotion.
26:06Minister for sport, for God's sake.
26:08The man plays tennis naked.
26:10He's an irredeemable shit.
26:12We needn't pour fertilizer on his already overgrown ego.
26:16Who do you want, Declan?
26:18Thatcher.
26:19Margaret Thatcher?
26:20No, Charles, fucking Dennis Thatcher.
26:22Look, she'll never say yes anyway.
26:23She thinks I'm an irredeemable.
26:25She thinks I'm an irredeemable.
26:25Well, let's see.
26:26I've donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party.
26:30It's not the public who decides which way the election goes, is it?
26:35All right.
26:36Stop staring at me.
26:36Fuck off.
26:37We've all got work to do.
26:40Declan?
26:41Yeah?
26:41Don't go.
26:42Have a proper drink.
26:42After you.
26:46You've got viewing figures most people would sell their granny for.
26:50So, I'm just wondering why you're still unhappy here.
26:55You mean Cameron?
26:56No.
26:57No.
26:58I mean, she's hard work, but you're right.
27:01She knows what she's doing.
27:02I just have a lot on my mind.
27:05Money stuff.
27:07I have an unpaid tax bill following me around.
27:1080 grand.
27:13London wasn't cheap.
27:15Not with a wife who throws her party every time someone blows their nose.
27:20All right.
27:21Well, why don't I settle with the end loan revenue for you?
27:25You can pay me back when you can.
27:26Nobody need to know about it.
27:28Just the two of us.
27:29On my account.
27:32That's very decent of you.
27:34Self-interest, really.
27:35You're no good to be preoccupied.
27:39Well.
27:41Nothing?
27:43Cheers.
27:43To act just for every situation.
27:48Moving through the doorway of humination.
27:52Pick me up and shake the doubt.
27:54Baby, I can't do without.
27:56Don't mess around.
27:59You bring me down.
28:01And you get it bad.
28:02Don't make sense.
28:03Move it out!
28:16Are you always this height?
28:18I can usually size people by looking.
28:20I didn't think you'd want me to serve things.
28:22I can't exactly do it myself, can I?
28:23You know to go round the dinner table, clock-wise, don't you?
28:26Don't pick, Sharon.
28:27I need you to write the menu out, one for each end of the table,
28:30in French, if you don't mind.
28:32Hello, Taggy. Nice get-up.
28:33The grub smells good.
28:35I'm still cross with you, Fred Frid.
28:36I mean, what were you thinking? Inviting a single man?
28:38I mean, what kind of a dinner party have you had nine guests?
28:40Ten guests now, because I've just invited a single woman.
28:43To balance her books.
28:43Fred Frid, how could you?
28:45Now I'm going to have to change the whole Plussmont.
28:51Terrific.
28:55I could help you with the menus.
28:56I'm doing French for GCSE.
29:05You're going to be here soon, Mrs Makepeace.
29:07Yes, Mrs Jones.
29:08Sorry, did you decide if you want the cheese first or the pavlova?
29:12Fred Frid?
29:13Cheese or dessert?
29:14Don't posh people say pudding?
29:16Pudding?
29:16But dessert is French.
29:18Agatha, which is it?
29:19I don't know.
29:20Pudding.
29:20I mean, they learn how to board in school.
29:24Chin up, Massey.
29:26We've worked so hard, we can enjoy it now.
29:28I mean, who'd have thought it, you and me,
29:29into attending the Lord and the Lady, eh?
29:33Right.
29:48It's a nice, cosy dinner at Freddy's bum in a board seat at the end of it.
29:53I've rather implied to Lady Gosling he's already said yes,
29:55so we need to reel him in tonight,
29:58and we might as well kiss goodbye to the franchise.
30:00No, absolutely.
30:01Operation Charm Offensive.
30:02Well, offensive is right.
30:04We'll be forced to admire the soft furnishings.
30:06Fitted carpets everywhere.
30:08Well, don't let Valerie Jones get you, darling.
30:12You know who she reminds you of.
30:13Who?
30:14Your mother.
30:16Oh.
30:28Come on.
30:30You've got five minutes.
30:31Yeah, well, five minutes is how long it takes to do this bloody dress-up.
30:36No, all right.
30:39Um, you know I need you to, er, behave yourself this evening, don't you?
30:44Er, I want Tony to invite me onto the board at Carinium,
30:47and we need to look proper.
30:50Respectable.
30:50Darling, is this about Rupert?
30:52It was just a silly flirtation.
30:54Come on, you know I love you most of all.
30:56Besides, I thought you wanted a young wife that everyone admires.
31:00I do, darling.
31:01I just prefer they admire you from further away.
31:16So it was a considerable renovation?
31:18Yes, it was terribly pokey.
31:21Three bedrooms and only the one bathroom, so we had to extend.
31:24But once we'd rendered over the old stonework, you can't tell the joy between the old and new.
31:28I thought this was a listed building.
31:30Oh, it is.
31:31Yeah.
31:32Fred Fred has friends in high places.
31:34I mean, one needs a good-sized lounge for entertaining.
31:38Hm.
31:38Lounge.
31:40You're here.
31:41You're here.
31:41You're here charming.
31:48I think I've had this dream.
31:50Valerie made me.
31:52She's so short.
31:54Brevity is the soul of wit.
31:57And I can almost see your brevities.
32:03The fact is, this is the listed building.
32:06The rules.
32:07To come.
32:08Don't worry about me.
32:14Oh.
32:16Darling, you look ravishing.
32:18Oh, James hates this, but it's the only clean one I've got.
32:21Um.
32:22Hello, Valerie.
32:25Evening, Stratton.
32:26Listen.
32:27I think you're giving the wrong impression about the tennis game with your wife.
32:30Or quite innocent sort of thing that wouldn't bat an eyelid on the continent.
32:33Good, clean, open-air fun.
32:35Shake hands and play nicely, shall we?
32:45Freddy!
32:47Sound system!
32:48Sorry, love.
32:49Wrong will.
32:50Look, Freddy's equipment is staggering.
32:57I, er, I gather you spent this afternoon on the couch with my husband.
33:01Yes.
33:01Do you mind?
33:02No.
33:03Good for you.
33:04I hope he told him it was marvellous afterwards.
33:09Thanks, Fred.
33:10Nature abhors a vacuum.
33:12Yes, so does my cleaner.
33:15It's very good.
33:16It's very good.
33:18You show me this sound system.
33:20I'll be back in a tick.
33:23You're ahead with the host, but you're next to him at dinner.
33:32Right, I'm off to see what decorative hell Valerie's unleashed on the downstairs loom.
33:37Cluecrum, darling.
33:38Cluecrum.
33:38No, I wouldn't dritize.
33:39Did you start to help?
33:42I couldn't figure out before she came from me, too?
33:43I've been to my office with horror.
34:08Fred is a businessman. It's what we do.
34:10You ever said no to this man?
34:12Frequently.
34:13Did you enjoy the polo?
34:15You're a very bad influence.
34:17I did ache for three days.
34:18Freddie!
34:19Mr. Vereker and Mrs. Stratton are on the television.
34:23Oh, yes. Do you want to see this?
34:24Yeah, okay.
34:37Sarah, welcome.
34:38Hi, James.
34:39There you are, Sarah.
34:41Where's Sarah?
34:41You've been married to Paul Stratton, MP for Cotchester, for a few months now.
34:46How do you see your role as the wife of an MP?
34:49To support my husband in every possible way.
34:52And how do you get on with Paul's family?
34:53I mean, his children must be nearly as old as you are.
34:55Oh, very good, James. Gripping stuff.
34:57No pressure on Paul to leave his first wife.
34:59But because he eventually made that decision, you know, I'm branded a scarlet woman.
35:03So I've had to try even harder to prove myself a good woman.
35:10Cute.
35:20Engaged to be married to a busy, powerful, famous man.
35:23The one thing I will say is do not let yourself go after your marriage.
35:26I mean, we all know what happens there.
35:28Hello, Cameron.
35:29Let me get you a drink.
35:30They're all glued to the local news, I'm afraid.
35:32Oh, James.
35:34Stop it.
35:36Are you 21?
35:37Oh, please.
35:38And the rest.
35:39She's a natural, isn't she?
35:41Well, it's just wonderful to see her opening up.
35:42I understand the...
36:29Don't last for seconds, all right? Is this not fishing?
36:33You cologne?
36:34I wear it all the time.
36:35I like it.
36:36You sure the lighting wasn't a bit hard?
36:38It was brilliant.
36:40What the hell are you doing here?
36:41Freddie called after you left.
36:43I couldn't say no to him, could I?
36:44Don't do anything outrageous.
36:46Stay out of my way.
36:49Well, I clearly drew the long straw.
36:54Are we all here yet?
36:56Yeah.
36:59Ah, Cavendish.
37:00We've never really had a proper chat, have we?
37:02No, we haven't, Lady Betty.
37:04Oh, Monica, please.
37:05We're all friends here.
37:14Rupert Campbell Black.
37:18I presume since we're the only people here with our partners that we're being set up with each other.
37:22And just so you know, I am perfectly comfortable with them.
37:26Do you have a boyfriend?
37:28Kind of.
37:30Mm-hmm.
37:32Best kind.
37:37Sorry, I think, uh, someone's been playing with the, um...
37:41Anything all right, Valerie?
37:43Yes.
37:43Yeah.
37:44Quite, quite all right.
37:46Do you work with Cavendish, James?
37:48Her name's Cannon.
37:49No, I promise it's not.
37:52No, Cavendish.
37:53See?
37:53James thought you were called Cameron.
37:56Yeah.
37:57It's Cameron.
37:58Yeah.
37:59But this beautiful was honest to Cavendish, so why didn't you say anything?
38:03Well, you're my boss's wife.
38:05Well, silly girl.
38:08There's no need.
38:09Honestly, what peculiar behaviour?
38:16Salon loose.
38:18Do you like salmon loose?
38:19Sir, what have you got?
38:21Chinged French peasant cravat sauce.
38:25Desert chateau.
38:26Do you think it's garnished from actual sand?
38:28Garnished with leftover peasants?
38:32Not frequently, no.
38:34Not quiet, Agatha, please.
38:36Sorry.
38:36I didn't tell her.
38:56Ah, tagging.
39:02Looks amazing.
39:03I'm too lovable a pheasant.
39:06And how'd you get on with Declan?
39:08Well, I'm his producer, which gives him license to be obnoxious.
39:11God knows how his wife puts up with them.
39:13Well, you could ask Taggy here.
39:14She's his daughter.
39:16Oh, God, I'm sorry.
39:19It's all sport with you, isn't it?
39:21Blood sport, mostly the chase.
39:23Oh, but if you caught something, I don't think you know what to do with it.
39:26Hmm.
39:27She's quite the ball breaker, your new producer.
39:29Where'd you find her?
39:30Hunted her down in New York.
39:31Ah, blood sports again.
39:32You guys go to school together or something?
39:34Oh, no, no, no, no.
39:36And that's funny.
39:37Why?
39:39Because, as it happens, no, we didn't.
39:42Rupert went to Harrow.
39:44I went to grammar school.
39:46And you'll never let anyone forget it, will you?
39:48I wasn't going to say anything of the sort.
39:50What if you that won't let anyone forget it, Battingham?
39:54Tony was quite different as a boy.
39:57Oh, Billy Bunter, weren't you?
40:00Okay.
40:01What's grammar school and how is it different from where you went?
40:04Well, it's increasingly hard to say.
40:06Rupert's school cost a lot more, but they didn't spend any of it teaching him manners.
40:12Very good, Lady Battingham.
40:13I can't imagine you fat, Tony.
40:15It's where I got my drive to succeed.
40:17I wish Fred Fridge had a drive like that.
40:19We can't budge our scales at all.
40:21Ha!
40:22Be careful what you wish for, Valerie.
40:25It might drive him to some dangerous places.
40:28I've been meaning to say, Tony, we've found a presenter for our Caring for the Elderly segment.
40:32She's a Jamaican lady living in Cotchester, a 70-year-old widow with an adult daughter,
40:37which makes her a black single mother.
40:39Box tape.
40:40I was brought up by a black single mother.
40:43Can't wait to tune in.
40:48I'm not sure what this song is.
40:50What a jam is.
40:51What a jam.
40:52She's so exotic, isn't she?
40:54Where's she from?
40:55America, I think.
40:55Wayne likes black girls, don't you, Wayne?
40:57What? Shut up!
40:58You've got a picture of Grace Jones when I close on.
41:00I saw it in your pants drawer.
41:02Oh, it's going so well.
41:04The pheasant was divine.
41:06Everyone's saying so.
41:07I knew you'd be wonderful at this.
41:10I'm sorry I should put you in that thing.
41:11It was me.
41:12You were at the menu's out.
41:13That's why the spelling's so bad.
41:15Oh, God.
41:16Your dyslexia.
41:19I'm so sorry.
41:21We thought we were taking the mickey out of...
41:24Someone else.
41:26Well, you cook like a dream.
41:28Even if you can't spell for shit.
41:33Oh, my goodness.
41:36Bravo.
41:37A ploy.
41:39Bravo.
41:40Bravo.
41:54What's your favourite thing about your job?
41:57Well...
41:59What a lovely question.
42:04Space.
42:05Up there.
42:07Most British satellites use my computers now.
42:10And sometimes...
42:12I look up at the night sky and I see a little star winking back at me.
42:17And I think...
42:19I've made that happen.
42:21And it blows my mind.
42:32Chateau Ghetto.
42:34This looks...
42:35This looks...
42:36Define.
42:38Well done, Angel.
42:40Mm-hmm.
42:47Oh, my God!
42:48Oh, my God!
42:49Oh, my God!
42:50Oh, my God!
42:51Oh, my God!
42:53Oh, my God!
42:54Bitch, what the fuck are you doing?
42:56I'm so sorry.
42:56I'm sorry.
42:57Oops.
42:58Fetch a cloth, Agatha!
43:00Don't fetch a cloth.
43:01It's Armani.
43:02I'll pay for it.
43:03Whoa!
43:04You couldn't begin to.
43:05Needn't be a bitch about it.
43:07I'm sorry.
43:10Come on.
43:11This can't get you tidied up.
43:13Come with me.
43:15Rupert, how could you?
43:21God, that is exactly the kind of crass, lecherous...
43:25I thought she'd like it.
43:26God knows her mother would have.
43:27We went home just a buffet they'd have for you to snack on.
43:30Perhaps she's not as innocent as you think she is.
43:32And that's a very cheeky little dress.
43:34Valerie made her wear it to do the job.
43:37Not that you'd understand.
43:39With looks like hers, I wouldn't have thought a career was that important.
43:41Honestly, Rupert.
43:43This was badly done.
44:06I thought you wanted me to.
44:12Why on earth would you think that?
44:14You like to watch.
44:16Thought you might be grown up enough to play, too.
44:19You're disgusting and I want nothing to do with you.
44:24Taggy.
44:25Hang on.
44:40Well, the traumatic end to the evening.
44:43All these sobbing women.
44:46Valerie, all right?
44:48She's chuffed to bits that you're going to dinner.
44:51So, thank you.
44:56So, this bald thing.
44:59My vow.
45:01She's keen for me to get into something more cultural.
45:05So, why don't you send me over to business plan?
45:07I'll look over it.
45:10I'll give you a call on Monday.
45:28Last night was humiliating.
45:30I don't know if I can do this anymore.
45:34You and me.
45:35What?
45:36Why?
45:41You were at Valerie Jones' dinner party?
45:45Yeah.
45:46I gather you got pudding tipped all over you by my daughter.
45:49I'll pay for the cleaning bill.
45:50Wouldn't Rupert do that?
45:52It was him who made Taggy drop the pudding when he groped her.
45:56He what?
45:57I don't know.
45:58No.
46:00It was more than a pinch on the bottom, wasn't it?
46:02I didn't see it at the time, but grope sounds right.
46:04I'm sorry, he fucking what?
46:07Yeah, he's a promiscuous libertine, isn't he?
46:11Fondles whoever he likes.
46:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
46:16Hold on, Declan, wait, wait.
46:18The bastard.
46:18Jesus, when I catch him up.
46:20Interview him to death?
46:23You know, that's an idea.
46:25Think about it.
46:26You go over there and thump him, who gets to see it?
46:28One housekeeper and a gardener at best.
46:31Have him on the show.
46:33You can flay him in front of 16 million people.
46:37Oh, but you already said you didn't want him, right?
46:39No hinterland.
46:39I didn't want him either.
46:41I didn't want to give him the exposure, but exposing him.
46:44Come on, that's a whole different show, isn't it?
46:46That's where you destroy him,
46:48and it lasts a fuck of a lot longer than a black eye.
46:53Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:12Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:18Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:21Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:21Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:23Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:26A beautiful place
47:33A beautiful place
47:53You
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