- 1 day ago
Category
π₯
Short filmTranscript
00:00:27To be continued
00:00:37As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point.
00:00:43Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest,
00:00:52a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits.
00:00:59Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent.
00:01:06But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction, a dumbing down.
00:01:12How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.
00:01:17With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most and left
00:01:24the intelligent to become an endangered species.
00:01:28Having kids is such an important decision.
00:01:32We're just waiting for the right time. It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.
00:01:37No way.
00:01:38Oh shit, I'm pregnant again!
00:01:41Shit!
00:01:42I got too many damn kids!
00:01:44Thought you was on the pill or some shit!
00:01:45Hell no!
00:01:46Shit!
00:01:47Must've been thinking of Britney.
00:01:49Britney?!
00:01:49Don't you-
00:01:50What?!
00:01:51There's no way we could have a child now.
00:01:54Not with the market the way it is, no.
00:01:56Oh god, no.
00:01:56That just wouldn't make any sense.
00:01:58Come on over here, bitch!
00:02:00He don't care about you!
00:02:01Yeah, well there must be something he likes over here!
00:02:04You mean nothing to me, baby?!
00:02:07Oh shit!
00:02:08It wasn't me!
00:02:09It wasn't me!
00:02:10Well, we finally decided to have children, and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.
00:02:17And this is helping.
00:02:19I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to-
00:02:22It's always me, right?
00:02:24Well, it's not my sperm count.
00:02:27Yeah!
00:02:28Yeah!
00:02:28I'm gonna fuck all of you!
00:02:31That's my boy!
00:02:32Woo!
00:02:33Ah!
00:02:36Cleavon is lucky to be alive.
00:02:38He attempted to jump a jet ski from a lake into a swimming pool, and impaled his crotch on an
00:02:42iron gate.
00:02:43But, thanks to recent advances in stem cell research, and the fine work of doctors Krinsky and Altschuler,
00:02:48Cleavon should regain full reproductive function.
00:02:51Put your hands on my jug!
00:02:56Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination.
00:03:04But, I have some eggs frozen, so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know.
00:03:14And so it went for generations, although few, if any, seem to notice.
00:03:19But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C.,
00:03:25the simple army librarian was unknowingly about to change the entire course of human history.
00:03:39Hey Bowers, this is Peterson, your new replacement.
00:03:43My what? I'm getting replaced?
00:03:46Yeah, they didn't tell you?
00:03:47No.
00:03:48Some new assignment. They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.
00:03:51I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metzler that every time. I'm good at this.
00:03:55Good at what? Sitting on ass? No one ever comes in here.
00:04:00Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
00:04:04If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. I'm all set.
00:04:08Can you just get me out of this?
00:04:10No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.
00:04:13Jesus, I don't understand. Why me?
00:04:17Every time Metzler says, lead, follow, or get out of the way, I get out of the way.
00:04:20Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose get out of the way.
00:04:24It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.
00:04:28That doesn't embarrass me.
00:04:30Look, Joe, you don't have a choice. You're just gonna have to follow.
00:04:33Like, follow me upstairs, like now.
00:04:37Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?
00:04:40I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.
00:04:50Gentlemen, meet Joe Bowers.
00:04:53Our first subject for the human hibernation experiment.
00:04:56Now, as you know, throughout the years, many of our best pilots, soldiers, and military leaders
00:05:01often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.
00:05:04With the human hibernation project, we will be able to save our best men, frozen in their prime, for use
00:05:10when they are needed most.
00:05:11Joe here is not one of our best men.
00:05:15Mr. Bowers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.
00:05:19Extremely average in every category.
00:05:22Remarkable, truly.
00:05:23The most average person in our entire armed forces.
00:05:26Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried, is an only child, and both parents are deceased,
00:05:31making him an ideal candidate with no one to ask any nosy questions should something go wrong with the experiment.
00:05:36We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks, and were forced to look
00:05:43into the private sector.
00:05:46This is Rita.
00:05:47Like Joe, she has no immediate family.
00:05:49Rita agreed to participate in this experiment in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
00:05:55We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp, a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrade,
00:06:02which he spells thusly.
00:06:04With two Ds, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.
00:06:08Upgrade agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year and keep quiet on the matter in exchange for certain
00:06:13leeways with the local authorities in running his pimp game.
00:06:18First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
00:06:23Collins, can we skip to the technicals, please?
00:06:25Sure. Let me just finish here.
00:06:28You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.
00:06:32Collins!
00:06:35Fine. We'll move on.
00:06:37It is a fascinating world, though.
00:06:52Jesus, Collins!
00:06:56Yeah, that's...
00:07:00Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects are to be placed into a dry freeze for exactly one year
00:07:05is set to begin tomorrow.
00:07:07As you know, this is highly classified.
00:07:10However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.
00:07:21Well, this is kind of crazy, huh?
00:07:24What unit are you with?
00:07:26Oh, I'm in a service.
00:07:28Oh, private sector. Okay.
00:07:30So, uh, what do you do?
00:07:33A little of this, a little of that.
00:07:36Wow, that's great.
00:07:37You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way, you know, doing a little of this
00:07:41and a little of that.
00:07:42I, uh, had a neighbor, Glenn, who used to make chainsaw sculptures.
00:07:46And then he'd sell them at the flea market.
00:07:49Yeah.
00:07:52So, uh, you an artist or something?
00:07:56Uh, yeah.
00:07:57You do paintings or...?
00:07:59Yeah, paintings.
00:08:01Okay, great.
00:08:03Mm-hmm.
00:08:04What do you paint mostly?
00:08:07I don't know, just...
00:08:09people and fruit and shit.
00:08:12Oh.
00:08:14Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.
00:08:17Yeah, well, it's not all that's cracked up to be.
00:08:20Okay, who wants to go first?
00:08:21Me.
00:08:28What the f...
00:08:29Oh, hell no.
00:08:31Uh-uh, hell no.
00:08:31Oh, hey, no, you know, you probably don't want to do that with the IVs attached and all.
00:08:35Well, what's the matter?
00:08:36Man, Upgrade didn't tell me they'd be putting me no damn carving with tubes and shit!
00:08:40No, no, no, don't worry about it.
00:08:42It'll be safe, trust me.
00:08:43Wh-wh-wh-who's Upgrade?
00:08:46He's my boyfriend.
00:08:48Man, how do you know this shit's safe?
00:08:50These guys, they know what they're doing.
00:08:51Don't worry.
00:08:52They've tested it on dogs and everything.
00:08:54What happens is, the drugs will kick in, drift off to sleep, we wake up in a year, you'll be
00:08:58painting again.
00:08:59It'll be fine.
00:09:01All right.
00:09:02Upgrade.
00:09:03That's an interesting name.
00:09:04Is he Dutch?
00:09:06See, cause I knew this Dutch exchange student.
00:09:09His name was Oontgrad.
00:09:11Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.
00:09:13Just go ahead and lie down.
00:09:15Relax.
00:09:25See you in a year.
00:09:27The Human Hibernation Project was one of the Army's most ambitious experiments, and one of its most secretive.
00:09:34The Human Hibernation Project was not immune from human error.
00:09:35But it was not immune from human error.
00:09:50Soon after Colin's arrest, and the massive scandal that followed, the base was closed.
00:09:56It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten.
00:10:03Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind.
00:10:07As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed, and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.
00:10:23Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution.
00:10:28But sadly, the greatest minds and resources were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.
00:10:38Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems,
00:10:48like garbage,
00:10:50which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever, leading to the great garbage avalanche of 2505,
00:10:58which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever.
00:11:35The Human Hibernation Project
00:11:36Next on the violence channel, an all-new Owl my balls.
00:11:44This is a ball.
00:11:53All right.
00:11:54Oh, my balls.
00:11:59What are you doing?
00:12:02Owl!
00:12:03You're going to get hit in a ball.
00:12:05Owl my balls.
00:12:12Huh?
00:12:18Owl!
00:12:21Please.
00:12:22Come on.
00:12:23Shut up.
00:12:26Two heads off.
00:12:35Where's Officer Collins?
00:12:37Shut up!
00:12:41Are we on base?
00:12:43I don't base your ass on my fist.
00:12:46With your face, ass.
00:12:48Shut up.
00:12:49I'm sorry.
00:12:50It's just...
00:12:51Where am I?
00:12:52Shut up!
00:12:53I told you already!
00:13:00Yeah!
00:13:02Well, shut up!
00:13:03Well, I'm sorry.
00:13:04Come on, I'm sorry.
00:13:05I'm sorry, all right.
00:13:08I'm sorry.
00:13:09I'm sorry.
00:13:13How's he doing?
00:13:20I'm sorry.
00:13:23I'm sorry.
00:13:25Hey, my god.
00:13:26I'm sorry.
00:13:27I'm sorry, all right.
00:13:33Valley Girl, Inner City Slang, and various grunts.
00:13:37Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke
00:13:41in an ordinary voice, he sounded pompous and faggy to them.
00:14:04Two, three, four, two, uh, doctors.
00:14:15Your floor is now clean.
00:14:16Your floor is now clean.
00:14:19Your floor is now clean.
00:14:21Your floor is now clean.
00:14:23Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
00:14:27and I'm not feeling so well.
00:14:29I think it might have been the drugs they had me on.
00:14:31I've been hallucinating.
00:14:33My head is just killing me.
00:14:36My joints are all achy, and I...
00:14:40Is this a hospital, or...?
00:14:42Actually, I don't even know where I am.
00:14:46Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right,
00:14:49and have a healthy day.
00:14:50Oh.
00:14:52Thanks.
00:14:53Thank you!
00:15:06Uh, s-scuse me, I think this might be Gatorade or something.
00:15:09I was just looking for some regular water.
00:15:12Water?
00:15:12Yeah.
00:15:13You mean like in the toilet?
00:15:14What for?
00:15:16Uh, you know, just to-to drink.
00:15:26You got hepatitis.
00:15:28Oh, is someone not feeling well?
00:15:31Your illness is very important to us.
00:15:34Next.
00:15:35Welcome to the Health Master Inferno.
00:15:37Powered by Pure Me Technology.
00:15:38Uh, this goes in your mouth.
00:15:40This one goes in your ear.
00:15:42And this one goes in your butt.
00:15:46Come on.
00:15:48Hurry up, asshole!
00:15:49Come on!
00:15:53Shit, hang on a second.
00:15:56This one...
00:16:00Uh...
00:16:00Hurry up!
00:16:02This one.
00:16:03This one goes in your mouth.
00:16:07Come on!
00:16:08Come on!
00:16:13Thank you for waiting.
00:16:15Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
00:16:21That's a weird misprint.
00:16:26Hey!
00:16:28How's that, Jesse?
00:16:30Yeah, right.
00:16:30Uh, well...
00:16:31Not so good, you know.
00:16:33I-I don't really know what's going on, but...
00:16:34I-I'm seeing things.
00:16:36I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on.
00:16:39But if you could, uh...
00:16:40Just get me well enough to get back to base.
00:16:43Right...
00:16:44Kick ass.
00:16:46Well...
00:16:46Don't want to sound like a dick or nothing, but, uh...
00:16:49It says on your chart that you're fucked up.
00:16:51Uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.
00:16:54What I do is just, like...
00:16:57Like...
00:16:58You know...
00:16:59Like...
00:16:59You know what I mean?
00:17:01Like...
00:17:02No, I-I'm serious here.
00:17:04Oh!
00:17:05Don't worry, Skrull.
00:17:06Now there are plenty of tards out there living really kick ass lives.
00:17:09My first wife was tarded.
00:17:11She's a pilot now.
00:17:13I-I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay?
00:17:15I-I need help.
00:17:16There's that fag talk we talked about.
00:17:19Right, so that'll be...
00:17:20This many dollars.
00:17:22And if you could just go ahead and, like...
00:17:24Put your tattoo in that shit.
00:17:26That's weird.
00:17:27This thing has the same misprint as that magazine.
00:17:30What are the odds, uh...
00:17:31Where's your tattoo?
00:17:32Tattoo.
00:17:34Why don't you have this?
00:17:39Oh, God.
00:17:44Where's your tattoo?
00:17:45Oh, my God.
00:17:46Why come you don't have a tattoo?
00:17:49Oh, my God.
00:17:51You're not unscannable, are you?
00:17:53Oh, my God!
00:17:56You're unscannable.
00:18:00Unscannable!
00:18:00No!
00:18:01No, you don't understand!
00:18:02You gotta let me talk to someone in the army!
00:18:04Wait a second.
00:18:05They're all dead.
00:18:06Everybody I know is dead!
00:18:08Oh, my God!
00:18:09Oh!
00:18:10Oh!
00:18:11Oh!
00:18:11Oh!
00:18:12Oh!
00:18:12Oh!
00:18:13Oh!
00:18:14How did this happen?
00:18:16Oh!
00:18:18Oh!
00:18:19Oh!
00:18:20Oh, yeah!
00:18:21Oh, yeah.
00:18:22Oh, yeah!
00:18:22Oh, yeah!
00:18:23Oh, yeah!
00:18:37Oh, yeah!
00:18:42The show had awakened to a world in crisis.
00:18:45The economy was in a state of deep neglect.
00:18:49A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies.
00:18:52And the number one movie in the country was called Ass.
00:18:58And that's all it was for 90 minutes.
00:19:03It won eight Oscars that year,
00:19:06including as a screenplay.
00:19:12Enjoy your extra big ass fries.
00:19:15You didn't give me no fries. I got an empty box.
00:19:18Would you like another extra big ass fries?
00:19:21I said I didn't get any.
00:19:23Thank you. Your account has been charged.
00:19:25Your balance is zero.
00:19:27Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
00:19:30I'm sorry you're having trouble.
00:19:32My kids are starving.
00:19:37This should help you calm down.
00:19:39Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
00:19:42Your kids are starving.
00:19:45Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry.
00:19:47You are an unfit mother.
00:19:49Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
00:19:52Carl's Jr.
00:19:53Fuck you. I'm eating.
00:19:56Welcome to Carl's Jr.
00:19:58Would you like to try our extra big ass taco?
00:20:01Now with more molecules.
00:20:04Hey!
00:20:05Is this particular individual the unfit mother?
00:20:07Me? No.
00:20:08Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
00:20:14Listen, I can explain, okay?
00:20:16I was in an army experiment.
00:20:19Wait a sec. There's the other pod from the army experiment.
00:20:22There was a girl, she was from the same experiment.
00:20:23Would you stop for that?
00:20:24Yeah, that's not for your bullshit, sir.
00:20:25He got what he got.
00:20:26Ow!
00:20:27Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill
00:20:30and not having his UPC tattooed.
00:20:33He would soon discover that in the future,
00:20:35justice was not only blind,
00:20:38but had become rather retarded as well.
00:20:42It's up!
00:20:43Now!
00:20:46I'm fixing to commensurate this trial here.
00:20:50We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here.
00:20:53Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money,
00:20:58we have proprietarily obtained for you one of them court-appointed lawyers.
00:21:04So put your hands together and give it up for Rico Pendejo!
00:21:10You're my lawyer?
00:21:12Since here you, uh, robbed a hospital?
00:21:16Why'd you do that?
00:21:17Yeah, I'm not guilty.
00:21:19That's not what the other lawyer said.
00:21:20What do you mean with that?
00:21:21Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay?
00:21:23I can explain everything.
00:21:24We can take him to your house.
00:21:25We'll show him the pod that I came here.
00:21:26Get up! Get up! Get up!
00:21:28Nah.
00:21:29Prosecute him.
00:21:30Why you think you done it?
00:21:32Okay, number one, your honor.
00:21:34Just look at him.
00:21:37He talks like a fag, too.
00:21:39And B, we've got all this, like, evidence of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital.
00:21:47And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo.
00:21:50I know!
00:21:51And I'm all, you've gotta be shitting me.
00:21:54But check this out, man.
00:21:55The judge should be, like, guilty.
00:21:58Peace.
00:21:58Yeah!
00:22:03Objection!
00:22:04What are you objectifying on?
00:22:06Come on, just get me on the stand now.
00:22:08Okay.
00:22:09Um, your honor, I object that this guy also broke my apartment to shit.
00:22:18Yeah.
00:22:19What?
00:22:20And you know what else?
00:22:21I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me after he pays back all the money he
00:22:26stole from the hospital.
00:22:28Don't say I stole.
00:22:29You're my lawyer.
00:22:30And I object.
00:22:31I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Owl My Ball!
00:22:36That is not okay!
00:22:38That I rest my cake!
00:22:39Well, the honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir.
00:22:42I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up.
00:22:45No, please listen.
00:22:46Please listen.
00:22:48I didn't steal anything.
00:22:50I was part of an army experiment.
00:22:51Joe stated his case logically and passionately, but his perceived effeminate voice only through big gales of stupid laughter.
00:22:59You did!
00:23:01Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence.
00:23:06Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession was a lot easier when the world is populated
00:23:13by morons.
00:23:14Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government, Long Distance.
00:23:18Please say the name of the person you wish to call.
00:23:21Upgrade.
00:23:23There are 9,726 listings for upgrade.
00:23:28Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.
00:23:30Aw, yeah, baby.
00:23:31Hey, look, can you wait a second, please?
00:23:35Oh, yeah, baby.
00:23:36I can wait so good.
00:23:40Really?
00:23:42Think, uh, you think maybe you could wait a day?
00:23:45Baby, I can wait two days.
00:23:47Huh.
00:23:48That's good.
00:23:50Because I charge by the hour.
00:23:52Oh, yeah?
00:23:53Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby.
00:23:55Thank you very much, young man.
00:24:00What the fuck?
00:24:01Goddamn shit's changed in a year.
00:24:05What are we doing here?
00:24:07Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo.
00:24:12Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America.
00:24:16Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle.
00:24:23Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card.
00:24:27Document number G24LA.
00:24:29Well, I'm not sure if you are.
00:24:31You have entered the name Not Sure.
00:24:33Is this correct?
00:24:34Not Sure.
00:24:35No, it's not correct.
00:24:37Not is correct.
00:24:38Is Sure.
00:24:39Correct?
00:24:40No, it's not.
00:24:41My name is Joe.
00:24:42You already confirmed your first name is Not.
00:24:44Please confirm your last name.
00:24:46Sure.
00:24:47My last name is Not Sure.
00:24:50Not Sure.
00:24:51No, what I mean is that my name is Joe...
00:24:53Confirmation is complete.
00:24:54Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
00:24:59Wait a second.
00:25:00Can we start over?
00:25:01Can I cancel this?
00:25:02Can...
00:25:02Can we cancel this and just go back and begin it?
00:25:05They're gonna...
00:25:06Ow!
00:25:06Could I speak to your supervisor?
00:25:09Please hold still for your photograph.
00:25:25Okay, sir.
00:25:26Now we will begin to proceed to obtain your IQ and aptitude tests.
00:25:31What for?
00:25:33Okay, sir.
00:25:34This is to figure out what your aptitude's good at, and get you a jail job while you're
00:25:39being a particular individual in jail.
00:25:42If you have one bucket that holds two gallons, and another bucket that holds five gallons,
00:25:48how many buckets do you have?
00:25:52Two?
00:26:03Lord, I wonder what's got the matter, time over time.
00:26:08It seems like the hours of everything can change, but I hold my hand.
00:26:16Lord, I'm trying to make you understand.
00:26:21Lord, you know what?
00:26:23Everybody, they tell me, somebody's a hoodoo, the hoodoo man.
00:26:30Now you know what?
00:26:31I buzzed your bell this morning, baby, I had your elevator running slow.
00:26:35I buzzed your bell, little girl, take my point to a third floor, but I hold my hand.
00:26:42Lord, I'm trying to make you understand.
00:26:45Lord, I'm trying to make you understand.
00:26:47Lord, I'm trying to make you understand.
00:26:48Lord, you know what?
00:26:49They tell the baby that somebody's a hoodoo, the hoodoo man.
00:26:55Look at him, baby.
00:26:58Desperate and scared, Joe used his superior intelligence to come up with the best escape plan he could
00:27:06think of.
00:27:06Oh, excuse me.
00:27:08Um, I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir.
00:27:13Yeah.
00:27:15You're in the wrong line, dumbass.
00:27:17Over there.
00:27:18I'm sorry.
00:27:18I ain't being a big dumbass.
00:27:20Sorry.
00:27:21Hey, uh, let this dumbass through.
00:27:39Two.
00:27:40Yeah.
00:27:41Got it.
00:27:44Uh, uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
00:27:46So you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.
00:27:49Could you check again?
00:27:51Cause I was, you know, I was definitely in prison.
00:27:53Okay?
00:27:54I got sad on my face and everything.
00:27:56Maybe check those files back there?
00:28:16Come back.
00:28:19Oh, baby, come back.
00:28:24Come back.
00:28:26Oh, baby, come back.
00:28:31The Masturbation Network, keeping America baiting for 300 years, and now sweet bang
00:28:37tube.
00:28:39Oh yeah, give me some, cut me a piece, oh you, that's, go away baiting, damn it, alright,
00:28:54alright, hey, hey, get out of here, hey, get out of here, no way, listen, you let me, an
00:29:01innocent man, get thrown in jail, so, shut up, you broke my house, hey, I could have
00:29:07you disbarred, disbarred for what you did to me, then maybe you'd go to jail for not
00:29:11having any money, oh, really, yeah, really, now look, okay, here's the deal, I've been
00:29:18thinking, it's been 500 years, someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time
00:29:22by now, you know, I think they were pretty close, even in my day, you know, with Einstein
00:29:26and guys like that, you know, scientists, you know, a time machine for time travel, do they
00:29:34have one?
00:29:34What?
00:29:40Jesus, I knew that was too much to hope for.
00:29:45No, no, they got a time machine.
00:29:47They do?
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:49Are you sure?
00:29:50Yeah.
00:29:50Can you get me back to 2005?
00:29:52Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive, and it breaks all the time, because some smart
00:29:56guy made it a long time ago.
00:29:57I don't care, just get me there, okay?
00:29:59Please.
00:30:01Listen, I, I, I supersize with you, but didn't you go to jail for not having enough money?
00:30:07Okay, how about this, you get me to the time machine, and when I get back, I open a savings
00:30:12account in your name, that way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions, billions!
00:30:17Because?
00:30:17Because of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars.
00:30:20Oh, I, I like money.
00:30:22Yeah.
00:30:22How many billions?
00:30:24Like, 10.
00:30:26Yeah, suck one.
00:30:27Time machine costs, like, 20.
00:30:29Yeah, okay.
00:30:30Uh, 30, Frito, 30 billion dollars.
00:30:3430 billion, so, if you gave me 30 billion, and the time machine is 20, what's the minus of
00:30:4230 and 20?
00:30:43Uh, it's, uh, it's 80, Frito, it's 80 billion dollars, that's mighty big minus, isn't it?
00:30:48Yeah, I like money, though.
00:30:50Please, open the door!
00:30:52We're looking for an escaped individual.
00:30:54This particular individual's name is not sure.
00:30:57Um, he, he's somewhere else.
00:31:02Uh, somewhere else.
00:31:03Oh, yeah, there's pro-ware on the top and a sword in the middle.
00:31:06A cup machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.
00:31:08Seem to be heading for this particular domostyle.
00:31:11Oh, okay, sir, we're coming in.
00:31:13No, you can't come in.
00:31:14Can't, too?
00:31:15All right, let's go get my billions.
00:31:19Oh, okay, one more thing up.
00:31:21We gotta go find this Frito first, okay?
00:31:23Is she banging?
00:31:25Yeah, sure she is.
00:31:27That wasn't really part of the deal.
00:31:28Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right?
00:31:31I like money.
00:31:32Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
00:31:34She shouldn't be too far away, I hope.
00:31:36Oh, girl, oh, yeah.
00:31:39So when are we gonna do it?
00:31:40Because you've been charging me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days.
00:31:43Oh, yeah, soon, baby, soon.
00:31:46Hey, you know what?
00:31:47Why don't you come back tomorrow?
00:31:50Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah.
00:31:52Yeah?
00:31:52And I finally utilize you, you're gonna be paying me.
00:31:55That's right.
00:31:56Whatever you say, sir.
00:31:59Hey, are you still on the clock?
00:32:00Yeah, girl.
00:32:04Rita!
00:32:04Rita!
00:32:05It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
00:32:07Get in the car, come on.
00:32:08Oh, yeah.
00:32:09Hey, what the hell, man?
00:32:11Just get in the car, I'll explain everything.
00:32:13Where are we going?
00:32:14Just get in the car.
00:32:15What happened to those army guys?
00:32:20Wait a minute, you got cops after you?
00:32:22Yeah.
00:32:23And you made me get in the car?
00:32:25I got two strikes, asshole.
00:32:26Rita, take it right here.
00:32:27Right, right.
00:32:28Into that dust storm.
00:32:36You must have just forgotten about us.
00:32:38It's been 500 years?
00:32:40Oh, hell no.
00:32:42Upgrade, you're gonna kill me.
00:32:43He gets me out when I'm a day late with his money.
00:32:46So you owe your boyfriend money?
00:32:47Well, yeah.
00:32:48He's sort of my manager, too.
00:32:51You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit.
00:32:54Look, Rita, you've got to understand that Upgrade's been dead for a long time.
00:32:59Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right?
00:33:02Yeah.
00:33:02Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past, but there was no time
00:33:07machine back then, so...
00:33:08Upgrade don't care where the time machine is, now, then, last week.
00:33:11He won't find a way to come get his money.
00:33:14Well, all I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it.
00:33:16You know what?
00:33:17The last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago when you were trying to tell
00:33:20me to get in some sort of tricked-out army coffin.
00:33:22Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay, but I'm doing everything I can to get us back there,
00:33:26okay?
00:33:26I promise you.
00:33:27You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
00:33:31Please pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger.
00:33:34Oh, hell no.
00:33:35You know what?
00:33:35Thank you for your help.
00:33:35You gotta let me get out of here.
00:33:36Right now.
00:33:37Look, Rita, if you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail.
00:33:39Trust me, you don't want to get thrown in the jails I got around here.
00:33:41I've been in them.
00:33:42They're bad.
00:33:42You're better off being with us as bad as that sounds.
00:33:45Wait, what are you doing?
00:33:46Why are we slowing down?
00:33:46Turned off my banner.
00:33:54Look, how far is it?
00:33:55Can we just take a cab or something?
00:34:00Holy shit.
00:34:09Whoa.
00:34:10Holy shit.
00:34:13Yeah!
00:34:31Hey, how much farther is it?
00:34:36Uh, it's like far.
00:34:39Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?
00:34:41Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a handjob, Joe.
00:34:45Jesus.
00:34:50Man, he don't seem too bright.
00:34:52You sure he knows where he's going?
00:34:53I sure hope so.
00:34:55It's our only chance.
00:34:58How did you hook up with this guy anyway?
00:35:00He's my lawyer.
00:35:02And he's not a very good one, either.
00:35:04He's a goddamn idiot.
00:35:06There's a saddle down in the Costco.
00:35:09Drop us right by the time machine.
00:35:31He thinks he's going to get billions of dollars if he takes us there.
00:35:35So if he mentions anything about the savings account, just play along, okay?
00:35:40Yeah, well, what this time machine don't work?
00:35:42Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it.
00:35:49Welcome to Costco.
00:35:51I love you.
00:35:52Welcome to Costco.
00:35:54I love you.
00:35:55Welcome to Costco.
00:35:57I love you.
00:35:58Welcome to Costco.
00:36:10We've been walking forever.
00:36:12You sure you know where you're going?
00:36:14Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
00:36:16I went to law school here.
00:36:17In Costco?
00:36:19Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself.
00:36:21Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.
00:36:26Hey, come on, Joe.
00:36:28I already told you.
00:36:29We'd all like a hands-out, but we don't have time for it.
00:36:51The shuttle comes every few minutes.
00:36:54Shouldn't be long.
00:36:55Do I got time to use the bathroom?
00:37:01The toilet?
00:37:02Be right back.
00:37:04Yeah, back that thing up.
00:37:06Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
00:37:08What?
00:37:09I like having sex with chicks.
00:37:10Yeah?
00:37:11Yeah.
00:37:11I think everybody does, Frito.
00:37:13Not like I do.
00:37:14Like when you get it like this sideways, and then you just like back here.
00:37:18That's real good.
00:37:19Oh, yeah.
00:37:20Stop, you're going to get a cicado.
00:37:22Stop, stop, stop.
00:37:22Warning, warning.
00:37:23Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702.
00:37:27Hey, what about Rita?
00:37:28We can't just leave her here.
00:37:29I don't care.
00:37:32Oh, shit.
00:37:34Wait a second.
00:37:34What are we going to do?
00:37:36Wait, okay, I know.
00:37:37Here's what we do.
00:37:38We just go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past, I tell her not to
00:37:42do
00:37:42the experiment, then she won't even be here.
00:37:43That'll work, right?
00:37:44Uh, no, no, no, please.
00:37:46She already is here, so that must mean I didn't go back in time, right?
00:37:50No, but hold on.
00:37:51It just means I haven't done it yet.
00:37:53Okay, so I go back, and I tell her not to do the experiment, then I won't have to do
00:37:57it either, because she won't be here, then I won't have to come back and save her,
00:38:00right?
00:38:01But then, wait, why am I still here?
00:38:03Goddamn, how does the time travel work?
00:38:06Please stand clear.
00:38:23Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail, just go ahead and shoot me, because
00:38:27there's no way that...
00:38:27Ow, fuck!
00:38:28Ow, ow, ow, ow!
00:38:31What?
00:38:32Ow!
00:38:33Ow, ow, ow, ow!
00:38:35What?
00:38:36Ow, ow, ow!
00:38:37Goddamn, stop!
00:38:40What is this?
00:38:42Okay, sir, this is the White House.
00:38:44What are we doing at the White House?
00:38:46What?
00:38:47Ow, ow, ow, ow!
00:38:48It turned out the results of Joe's IQ test had caught the attention of the highest levels
00:38:55of government.
00:38:56Okay, wait a minute.
00:38:57I'm the smartest guy in the world?
00:38:59Says who?
00:39:00The IQ test you took in prison.
00:39:02You got the highest score in history.
00:39:04Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
00:39:06Yeah, dumbass, you've been smarter than President Camacho.
00:39:08That's how come he's making you Secretary of Interior.
00:39:11Okay, so who are you?
00:39:13I'm the Secretary of Energy.
00:39:15I won a contest, got to be a cabinet member.
00:39:18I'm the Secretary of State.
00:39:20Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
00:39:21Why do you keep saying that?
00:39:23Because they pay me every time I do.
00:39:24It's a really good way to make money.
00:39:25You're so smart, why don't you know that?
00:39:29Motherfucker.
00:39:30The Secretary of Defense.
00:39:32Huh?
00:39:33And, uh, the fun bags over there is the Attorney General.
00:39:36Hi.
00:39:38And that's the Secretary of Education.
00:39:41It's kind of stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother.
00:39:45Still does a pretty good job, eh?
00:39:48You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake.
00:39:51Because the test I took was real, real easy.
00:39:54I am not the smartest guy in the world.
00:39:57Okay?
00:40:03Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the Secretary of the Interior.
00:40:06I don't even know what it is.
00:40:07You better find out.
00:40:09Sit down.
00:40:10President Camacho.
00:40:11Hey, hey, hey, hey, yo, um, I gotta take care of some business, baby.
00:40:14So, I need y'all to wait outside.
00:40:16Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion,
00:40:21porn superstar, and President of the United States,
00:40:25had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world.
00:40:28So, you smart, huh?
00:40:30No, no.
00:40:34I thought your hair would be bigger.
00:40:40God damn.
00:40:42Could look like a peanut.
00:40:45Let's get you sworn in.
00:41:00Ladies and gentlemen, the President of America!
00:41:07President Camacho!
00:41:13Shut up! Shut up!
00:41:16Sit your monkey ass down.
00:41:18Chill out.
00:41:23Shit!
00:41:26I know shit's bad right now.
00:41:28With all that starving bullshit.
00:41:30And the dust storms.
00:41:31And we running out of french fries and burrito coverings.
00:41:34Yeah.
00:41:35But I got a solution.
00:41:37That's what you said last time, dipshit!
00:41:39I got a solution?
00:41:40You're a dick!
00:41:41South Carolina, what's up?
00:41:50That's what I thought!
00:41:56Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now.
00:41:59But listen up.
00:42:01I got a three-point plan to fix everything.
00:42:04Bring it down!
00:42:05Who about y'all?
00:42:06Number one,
00:42:07we got this guy not sure.
00:42:11Number two,
00:42:12he's got a higher IQ than any man alive.
00:42:16And number three,
00:42:17he's gonna fix everything.
00:42:20I give you my word as president.
00:42:23He's gonna fix the problems with all the dead crops.
00:42:26He's gonna make them grow again.
00:42:29And that ain't all.
00:42:31I give you my word.
00:42:35He's gonna fix the dust storms too.
00:42:39And I give you my word.
00:42:42He's gonna fix their comedy.
00:42:55President Camacho stood before the world
00:42:58and promised everyone that Joe would solve all their problems.
00:43:02He would not only end the dust bowl
00:43:04and heal the economy,
00:43:06but he would cure acne and car sickness as well.
00:43:10And if he didn't,
00:43:12President Camacho made another promise.
00:43:14He would kick Joe's smart balls
00:43:16all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.
00:43:18And then,
00:43:19he would throw his brainy ass back in jail.
00:43:26I should be honest with you,
00:43:28Mr. President.
00:43:28I don't know how to be secretary of anything.
00:43:30I mean,
00:43:30I've never even voted,
00:43:31actually.
00:43:32I don't,
00:43:32I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is.
00:43:35Come on,
00:43:35scro.
00:43:36Don't be a pussy.
00:43:38It beats jail,
00:43:39don't it?
00:43:40Besides,
00:43:41you do a kick-ass job,
00:43:43you get a full presidential party.
00:43:46No jail time.
00:43:47Yeah?
00:43:48Fuck yeah.
00:43:50Now give me a beer.
00:43:51And get you one, too.
00:43:59Shit!
00:44:01Hold on, Vato!
00:44:03Whoa!
00:44:05Whoa!
00:44:06Whoa!
00:44:24Do something smart.
00:44:26Eh.
00:44:28Uh, okay.
00:44:30Uh,
00:44:32I'll, uh...
00:44:34Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
00:44:36Oh, okay, great.
00:44:38Thanks.
00:44:38right now I'm going to,
00:44:39uh,
00:44:40you know,
00:44:41confer with my counsel.
00:44:43You understand?
00:44:44So I'll be right back.
00:44:45Gonna go, uh,
00:44:46just work on some crap stuff,
00:44:47get that taken care of.
00:44:48Hopefully get it worked out
00:44:49by the time we get back here.
00:44:51Sounds pretty splendid.
00:44:53Right here, okay?
00:44:54Stay there.
00:44:55Dude,
00:44:55this is trepidatious.
00:44:57You dropped me a room
00:44:57at the White House.
00:44:58Everyone gets laid
00:44:59at the White House.
00:45:00Everyone.
00:45:00Yeah.
00:45:01Well, I'm real glad
00:45:02you're happy to be here for y'all,
00:45:03but I brought you here
00:45:04to help me, okay?
00:45:05I don't know the first thing
00:45:06about growing crops,
00:45:07much less the goddamn economy.
00:45:10Econ- economy.
00:45:11Let's see.
00:45:13Growing crops.
00:45:14No,
00:45:15I just need you to
00:45:16tell me how to get
00:45:17to the time machine.
00:45:18Oh, that's easy.
00:45:19Well, you go down
00:45:20by the museum and stuff.
00:45:22It's like,
00:45:23it's like by the museum.
00:45:24Sort of,
00:45:25but actually not really.
00:45:27More like,
00:45:28on the street,
00:45:29you go,
00:45:30um,
00:45:30wait,
00:45:30let me start over.
00:45:31Okay,
00:45:32you know where
00:45:32the time machine is?
00:45:33Hey,
00:45:34just draw me a map,
00:45:35okay?
00:45:37You still want the money?
00:45:39Oh,
00:45:39if I had the money
00:45:40and a room
00:45:41at the White House,
00:45:42I would be like,
00:45:42it's mine.
00:45:44It's all night.
00:45:46Listen,
00:45:47I told these people
00:45:48that you were smart,
00:45:48okay?
00:45:49So act smart.
00:45:50Smart like you?
00:45:51Oh,
00:45:52I gotta go to the time machine.
00:45:54I wanna go home.
00:45:55I don't talk like that.
00:45:56I don't talk like that.
00:45:58Shit,
00:45:58I thought there was
00:45:59two of you.
00:46:00Ha!
00:46:01See?
00:46:02It doesn't look that big,
00:46:03is it?
00:46:04Okay,
00:46:05let's go take a look
00:46:05at those crops,
00:46:07especially the ones,
00:46:08uh,
00:46:09you know,
00:46:09out around the museum area.
00:46:12All right?
00:46:14Hey,
00:46:15come on.
00:46:16Now,
00:46:17you either lead,
00:46:18follow,
00:46:19or get out of the way,
00:46:21all right?
00:46:22Whoa.
00:46:23Did you just make that up?
00:46:25Yes,
00:46:26I did.
00:46:27Now,
00:46:27look,
00:46:27I also need help
00:46:28finding this girl
00:46:29named Rita,
00:46:29like,
00:46:29immediately,
00:46:30and,
00:46:30Frito will give you
00:46:31a hand with it.
00:46:32Why?
00:46:34Well,
00:46:34because,
00:46:34uh,
00:46:35you know,
00:46:35she'd be an essential,
00:46:38integral asset,
00:46:39you know,
00:46:40for our team,
00:46:41for us to,
00:46:42you know,
00:46:43utilize.
00:46:45Ha!
00:46:46Ha!
00:46:47Ha!
00:46:47Ha!
00:46:48Ha!
00:46:48Ha!
00:46:49Ha!
00:46:50Ha!
00:46:50Ha!
00:46:50Ha!
00:46:51Ha!
00:46:53Ha!
00:46:53Utilize!
00:46:56Okay,
00:46:56uh,
00:46:57you're going to bring her here,
00:46:58right?
00:46:58Oh,
00:46:59yeah.
00:46:59But first,
00:47:00Ha!
00:47:04Utilize her!
00:47:05Okay.
00:47:19Uh,
00:47:20yeah,
00:47:20Yeah, that sucks pretty bad.
00:47:22Frida, why don't you come over here and take a look at this.
00:47:25Come on, hustle over here, buddy.
00:47:27I want to figure this out.
00:47:28See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
00:47:30Have you got the map?
00:47:32Oh, yeah.
00:47:34Discreetly.
00:47:39Right there.
00:47:40Nice.
00:47:41Stand close.
00:47:44Yo, that's the secretary not sure.
00:47:46They found that whore you wanted.
00:47:47Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on.
00:47:50No, sir.
00:47:51Turns out she charged some guy a lot of money and didn't put out.
00:47:55Don't worry, though.
00:47:56We'll get her out on a work release whoring license as long as you're doing her.
00:47:59Hands on me.
00:48:00What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field?
00:48:02The fuck are you outstanding?
00:48:05Joe?
00:48:06That's not sure, ma'am.
00:48:08Secretary, not sure.
00:48:09Secretary?
00:48:10Secretary of what?
00:48:11Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together?
00:48:14Alone?
00:48:15Alone?
00:48:16You know?
00:48:17In the bushes?
00:48:21Oh, man.
00:48:25Oh, yeah!
00:48:32Hey, you want us to come along and make sure she puts out?
00:48:35No, thanks.
00:48:35I can handle it.
00:48:36Yeah.
00:48:37I thought you was in jail.
00:48:38How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
00:48:40Just keep walking.
00:48:41And I'll explain everything.
00:48:52Okay, get ready to run.
00:48:55What?
00:48:56Oh, God.
00:48:57Damn it.
00:48:58Way to go, Frito.
00:48:59Oh.
00:49:00You know what?
00:49:00Just make a run for it anyways.
00:49:02We'll ask for directions on the way.
00:49:03No way, man.
00:49:03I spent the last two days looking for it.
00:49:05It ain't easy to find.
00:49:06Damn it.
00:49:06I can't go back to jail and I sure as hell can't solve all these problems.
00:49:09Well, all I know is I better find Upgrade before he finds me.
00:49:12Listen to me.
00:49:13Upgrade cannot find you, okay?
00:49:14It's impossible.
00:49:15Oh, yeah?
00:49:16Yeah.
00:49:16And even if Upgrade could somehow magically travel through time, we got secret service
00:49:21guys with huge guns protecting us, okay?
00:49:23So don't worry.
00:49:24You're safe.
00:49:25And you know what?
00:49:26It's none of my business, but when we get back, you and Upgrade should seriously think
00:49:30about couples counseling, okay?
00:49:31And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
00:49:35Hey!
00:49:38She not putting out?
00:49:39Uh, no, she is.
00:49:42We already did it.
00:49:44Yeah.
00:49:44He was great.
00:49:48Okay.
00:49:49Hey, a couple of us guys were wondering, uh, if we go family style on her.
00:49:56Uh, yeah, probably not right now.
00:49:59We should focus on the crops, so let's get back to work.
00:50:02Maybe later.
00:50:09What the hell is this?
00:50:13Tastes like Gatorade.
00:50:16Is that that Brondo stuff?
00:50:18They're watering crops with a sports drink?
00:50:22Brondo the thirst mutilator had come to replace water virtually everywhere.
00:50:27Water, the basic component of all life, had been deemed a threat to Brondo's profit margin.
00:50:33The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330, when the Brondo Corporation simply bought the FDA and the FCC,
00:50:42enabling them to say, do and sell anything they wanted.
00:50:51Joe didn't know any of this, but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve.
00:50:58With his options running out, Joe took a bold step.
00:51:02He would not get out of the way.
00:51:04This time, he would lead.
00:51:07For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brondo stuff.
00:51:12But Brondo's got what plants crave.
00:51:14It's got electrolytes.
00:51:15So wait a minute.
00:51:16What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops?
00:51:21Yes.
00:51:22Water.
00:51:23Like out the toilet?
00:51:24Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but yeah, that's the idea.
00:51:28But Brondo's got what plants crave.
00:51:30It's got electrolytes.
00:51:32Okay, look.
00:51:34The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brondo's not working.
00:51:37Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.
00:51:41Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.
00:51:45Hey, that's good.
00:51:46You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?
00:51:47Yeah.
00:51:49Okay, look, you want to solve this problem.
00:51:51I want to get my pardon, so why don't we just try it, okay?
00:51:54And not worry about what plants crave.
00:51:57Brondo's got what plants crave.
00:51:59Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
00:52:01What are electrolytes?
00:52:02Do you even know?
00:52:03It's what they use to make Brondo.
00:52:06Yeah, but why did they use them to make Brondo?
00:52:09Because Brondo's got electrolytes.
00:52:14After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason and simply told the cabinet that he could talk
00:52:21to plants and that they wanted water.
00:52:24He made believers out of everyone.
00:52:27Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the
00:52:34decades, killing plants and leading to the Dust Bowl.
00:52:38As Secretary of the Interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water, promising that over time, plants would
00:52:45grow and the Dust Bowl would end.
00:52:47He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon, or so it seemed.
00:52:57I hope something grows fast.
00:53:00Yeah, so we can haul our ass back home.
00:53:03Man, you really think those people would have starved to death?
00:53:06I don't know.
00:53:08I mean, how did the world ever get like this?
00:53:12You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers.
00:53:15It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
00:53:17Mm-hmm.
00:53:18I'm not used to it.
00:53:19Yeah, me neither.
00:53:23You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
00:53:27Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.
00:53:29Now you know why you built that bomb.
00:53:32Yeah.
00:53:35Hey, Joe, listen.
00:53:37Those cops...
00:53:38Oh, hey, I'm sorry about that.
00:53:39No, no.
00:53:40They said that you got me a pardon.
00:53:43You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so...
00:53:47I guess I owe you one.
00:53:52You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to.
00:53:58No, I'm...
00:53:59I'm all right, yeah.
00:54:01Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrade would be too happy about that.
00:54:04You in bed with a stranger?
00:54:12I know.
00:54:13I know.
00:54:14I know.
00:54:16Yeah.
00:54:19Oh, boy.
00:54:20I know.
00:54:29Oh, shit, it's Upgrade.
00:54:31Oh, shit.
00:54:33It's not Upgrade.
00:54:34Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked.
00:54:36But when the Brondo stock suddenly dropped to zero, leaving half the population unemployed,
00:54:41dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting, and screaming for Joe's head.
00:54:47An emergency cabinet meeting was called with the CEO of the Brondo Corporation.
00:54:52How come nobody's buying Brondo the thirst mutilator?
00:54:54Ah, shit.
00:54:55Half the country works for Brondo.
00:54:57Not anymore!
00:54:57And the stock just dropped to zero, and the computer did that auto layoff thing to everybody.
00:55:01We're all unemployed!
00:55:03You think that makes the economy suck?
00:55:04Why is this happening?
00:55:05I think it's because we switched to water, but...
00:55:08I mean, this is all your fault?
00:55:10What?
00:55:10Yeah.
00:55:11It's your fault.
00:55:12This shit started happening when we switched to water.
00:55:14Brought to my college, and you brought to my college, and you brought to my college, and you brought to
00:55:17my college, and you brought to my college, and you brought to my college, and you brought to my college.
00:55:21Fox News!
00:55:26He tried taking water from toilets, but it's Secretary Knott Shore who finds himself in the toilet now.
00:55:32And as history pulls down its pants and prepares to lower its ass on Knott Shore's head, it will be
00:55:38Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time.
00:55:42We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent for Micah Davis at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial.
00:55:51Thank you, Velveeta.
00:55:53Well, it started off boring and slow with Knott Shore trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk.
00:56:00Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me.
00:56:03That part of the trial sucked.
00:56:05But then the Chief Jay just went off.
00:56:08He said, man, whatever.
00:56:10The guy's guilty as shit.
00:56:11We all know that.
00:56:13And he sentences us to one night of rehabilitation.
00:56:16Hey, rehabilitation?
00:56:18One night?
00:56:19Doesn't sound so bad.
00:56:20Not so bad, huh?
00:56:23Here's some highlights from last week's rehabilitation.
00:56:36And who could forget that wonderful finish by rehab officer Tylenol Jones?
00:56:43And tomorrow night looks even more better.
00:56:46Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement.
00:56:51Wow.
00:56:52Thank you, Formica.
00:56:54So you think you can escape again?
00:56:56Like you did last time?
00:56:57No.
00:56:58They pretty much fixed that.
00:56:59How?
00:57:00They chained me to a big rock.
00:57:04Oh.
00:57:05Yeah.
00:57:05Look, Rita.
00:57:06Get Frito.
00:57:08Get him to take you back to the time machine without me.
00:57:10Don't wait.
00:57:11No.
00:57:12You could have split on me before, but you didn't.
00:57:14Look, you want to pay me back?
00:57:16Just go back, okay?
00:57:18Tell people to read books.
00:57:20Tell people to stay in school.
00:57:22You know, tell people to just use their brains or something.
00:57:26You know, I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me.
00:57:29I never did anything with my life.
00:57:31At least you were an artist.
00:57:33You know?
00:57:33So just go back and...
00:57:35There's no work.
00:57:38And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay?
00:57:44Good luck, Joe.
00:57:53Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
00:57:55Are you ready for a monster truck duel to the dead?
00:57:59Yeah!
00:58:00Let me speed it up for the guitar, aren't you?
00:58:04Okay, we're gonna do this shit, but first, to lead us in the natural anthem, the star of
00:58:10Out of My Balls, Gourmel Chubbies!
00:58:14Thank you!
00:58:15Come here!
00:58:15Thank you, thank you.
00:58:17Thank you!
00:58:18Hey, come here!
00:58:29That's just how that shit went on TV!
00:58:36Yeah.
00:58:40yeah so my car is out front whenever you want me to take you to that time machine
00:58:50yeah that's real bummer about joe huh yeah pulse can you turn this up i love rehabilitation
00:59:14okay let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight with a combined record of 62 kills
00:59:21please welcome pilly mawapa and the dew dozer
00:59:31and his brothers mommy mawapa and the ass blaster
00:59:36i got a truck too right yeah here it comes
00:59:51get in
00:59:57you still got the chain attached
01:00:02door won't shut
01:00:04we can break it off
01:00:06yeah i got idea
01:00:08put it in the trunk
01:00:09yeah that'll work
01:00:14who's smart now
01:00:15let's bring out a criminal
01:00:17we tried to move the country by throwing toilet water on crops
01:00:20because millions of people their jobs
01:00:22let's get ready to rehabilitate not sure
01:00:37everybody guessed this is how i was gonna die
01:00:39are you ready for some car on car action
01:00:42yes
01:00:45i can't watch this
01:00:48this is gonna be so sad
01:00:50i hope i don't cry
01:00:55shit
01:00:56frito come here look he was right the water it worked
01:01:00frito can you get me over there
01:01:04yes
01:01:05yes
01:01:05go you fucking moron to the rehabilitation place
01:01:09this way
01:01:10yeah
01:01:15come on frito hurry
01:01:17now
01:01:17now the dude that everybody came here to see
01:01:20the only undefeated officer ever in history
01:01:23coming out of the environment just a pound not sure's ass
01:01:27driving the biggest hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history
01:01:32bigger than the steel dozer
01:01:34bigger than the ass blaster
01:01:36bigger and huger than everything ever before in history
01:01:39the brand new ass dozer
01:01:42give it up for feet supreme
01:02:12oh shit i think it was too big huh
01:02:15we seem to be experimenting some technological differences
01:02:20so uh
01:02:22here
01:02:24frito look
01:02:26it's working everywhere
01:02:28oh shit
01:02:29that's a big pile of rocks
01:02:32that reminds me of the morning time
01:02:35hey
01:02:36oh shit stop
01:02:38we're gonna start without feet supreme
01:02:39it's a rehabilitation machine
01:02:52oh shit
01:02:54come on
01:02:57come on
01:02:58come on frito hurry
01:03:07come on
01:03:10oh shit
01:03:10cut down
01:03:11oh shit
01:03:13oh shit
01:03:16oh shit
01:03:17oh shit
01:03:17oh shit
01:03:18oh shit
01:03:20oh shit
01:03:21oh shit
01:03:21oh shit
01:03:22Π³ΠΎ role as me
01:03:28I didn't see no props!
01:03:32They're gonna do the malux crunch on him!
01:03:37This is a hell of a fool! Don't tell nobody!
01:03:40Oh!
01:04:00So, uh, who the winner is?
01:04:05Did he win?
01:04:09Uh...
01:04:12Uh-oh! Look!
01:04:15Holy shit! It beats the ring!
01:04:28Hey, Frito! Frito, you remember those props we saw off the road right by the Starbucks?
01:04:33Uh-huh.
01:04:34Hey.
01:04:36Wanna make some money?
01:04:37I like money.
01:04:52Hey, um, the, uh, the main screen is malfunctioning
01:04:56and they gonna need you outside immediately.
01:05:02There's a bunch of whores in the hallway!
01:05:08Come on, Frito, hurry!
01:05:11I can't believe you like money, too.
01:05:13We should hang out!
01:05:15Totally.
01:05:30Come on!
01:05:38What's up?
01:05:39He's behind the truck!
01:05:43Yeah! Yeah!
01:05:47He's behind the fucking truck!
01:05:50Behind the truck, thudan!
01:06:02Look.
01:06:06Shit.
01:06:07That's a good deal.
01:06:09Extra foam.
01:06:10I got a bunch of money, too.
01:06:13I got what it was for.
01:06:16You think it was for lattes?
01:06:19Yeah, probably.
01:06:20So you like money and sex?
01:06:23You're stripping me out.
01:06:24What the fuck?
01:06:38Hold on, okay?
01:06:40Everyone, just take it easy, okay?
01:06:42Can I just say something here?
01:06:47I don't even know what I'm guilty of here.
01:06:49I never said that I was the smartest person on earth.
01:06:52You people did.
01:06:53I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money, and I'm very sorry that that
01:06:58happened.
01:06:59But I'm telling you, if you put water on the crops, it might actually...
01:07:04No, it will work.
01:07:05I promise you.
01:07:06You just have to believe me.
01:07:08I just wanted to help you.
01:07:10That's all.
01:07:11So you can try and shoot me.
01:07:13You can try and run me over whatever.
01:07:15But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first.
01:07:20Do you really want to live in a world where you try to blow up the one person that's trying
01:07:25to help you?
01:07:36Hold on.
01:07:37Just hold on.
01:07:58Oh man, that was great.
01:08:00Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there?
01:08:05Shit.
01:08:05What do I look like, a pants goblin?
01:08:08Wait, this reminds me of something.
01:08:11Uh, rehabilit...
01:08:14Rehabila...
01:08:14Rehabilation?
01:08:15Why do you keep trying to read that word?
01:08:17You a fag?
01:08:19A fag your face?
01:08:28Come on, Fredo.
01:08:30Yeah, I don't think so.
01:08:33Oh yeah.
01:08:36Oh yeah.
01:09:15This guy just got his ass apart!
01:09:43Hey, Rita, I mean, I don't know what to say.
01:09:46You know, you saved my life.
01:09:47No one's ever done anything like that for me.
01:09:50Yeah, well...
01:09:51You know, you were looking out for the whole world, so, you know, I thought someone should
01:09:55look out for you, too.
01:09:57Thanks.
01:09:59I can't believe I'm even saying this, but even though these people tried to kill me, you
01:10:04know, I think I'm actually going to kind of miss them.
01:10:06Yeah.
01:10:07Fredo, he's going to give us a ride back to the time machine.
01:10:09I just, uh, I hope he's okay to drive.
01:10:14It's you.
01:10:15Oh man, I really love your show.
01:10:18Thank you so much.
01:10:19Oh!
01:10:20Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
01:10:24What?
01:10:26I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again.
01:10:30Maybe it's time I got a new start.
01:10:33Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
01:10:36I'm going to be a CEO.
01:10:38At Starbucks?
01:10:39Yeah.
01:10:40You're still going to paint, though, right?
01:10:43Yeah.
01:10:45Sure.
01:10:47I guess this is goodbye, then.
01:10:50Hey, hey, hey!
01:10:52Hey!
01:10:53I got a couple presidential decrees to make!
01:10:57Nusho!
01:10:58Get your ass up here, wherever you eat!
01:11:03I'm going to get a little peanut head up in here!
01:11:06Yo, yo!
01:11:08I have decided to make this man
01:11:12the man who solved all our problems!
01:11:16I have decided to make him my new vice president!
01:11:24Mr. President, well, thanks.
01:11:25That's real cool of you, sir, but I can't accept it, sir.
01:11:29What?
01:11:30What?
01:11:31Well, you know, I got to get home.
01:11:34But we still got all these problems.
01:11:36Well, look, you know, you're just going to have to solve them yourselves.
01:11:39How?
01:11:40Well, you don't think about it, you know?
01:11:41You're just going to have to figure it out, you know?
01:11:42Like we did with the crops.
01:11:44But how are we going to figure out about the garbage ambulances and the comedy?
01:11:49And what about the nuclear reactor in Florida?
01:11:54It's broke and leaking.
01:11:56Something's happening.
01:11:57I thought it was in Georgia.
01:11:59Georgia's in Florida.
01:12:00Uh, dumbass.
01:12:01Hey, hey, I know.
01:12:03Let's put toilet water on it.
01:12:05Huh?
01:12:06Yeah.
01:12:06Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
01:12:08We did on the crops.
01:12:09Come on, Mato.
01:12:10Hey.
01:12:12You can't leave.
01:12:13Whatever happened to all that leave, follow, get out of the way shit, huh?
01:12:30I guess I just can't get out of the way anymore, can I?
01:12:33You know what?
01:12:33Forget about the time machine.
01:12:35Yeah!
01:12:40That ride sucks anyways.
01:12:44Ride?
01:12:45Ride?
01:12:49Welcome to the time machine.
01:12:51We are going to take you back.
01:12:53First to the year 1939, when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and
01:13:00tried to take over the world.
01:13:01So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time?
01:13:04Yeah.
01:13:05You thought you could really travel through time, huh?
01:13:07Yeah, I guess I did.
01:13:09Yeah.
01:13:10You're the smartest guy in the world.
01:13:11You're pretty dumb sometimes.
01:13:12So why didn't you tell us?
01:13:14Because I like money.
01:13:15I'm sorry.
01:13:16But if it's not a real-time machine, there wouldn't have been any money.
01:13:21You know, because I can't go back in time and open a savings account.
01:13:25Yeah.
01:13:26I don't know.
01:13:28Yeah.
01:13:28Don't go on.
01:13:29Yeah.
01:13:29It's okay.
01:13:31Well, I guess we're stuck here.
01:13:33But then, an even greater force emerged.
01:13:37The un and the un un-Nazi the world forever.
01:13:42And so, after serving a short term as vice president, Joe was elected the president of America.
01:13:50Frito became vice president, and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady.
01:13:55Today, I step into the shoes of a great man.
01:13:58A man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.
01:14:06And the president, not sure his leadership, a new era, Don.
01:14:11You know, there was a time in this country when smart people were considered cool.
01:14:17Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the
01:14:24moon.
01:14:29And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags, and neither
01:14:36was writing.
01:14:37People wrote books, and movies, movies that had stories.
01:14:41So you cared whose ass it was, and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again.
01:15:07Joe and Rita had three children, the three smartest kids in the world.
01:15:13Vice president Frito took eight wives, and had a total of 32 kids.
01:15:1832 of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth.
01:15:26Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind, but he got the ball rolling, and that's pretty good for an average
01:15:35guy.
01:15:57We'll see you next time.
01:15:58We'll see you next time.
01:16:09We'll see you next time.
01:16:11We'll see you next time.
01:16:23We'll see you next time.
01:16:32We'll see you next time.
01:16:45We'll see you next time.
01:16:54We'll see you next time.
01:16:54We'll see you next time.
01:17:07We'll see you next time.
01:17:17We'll see you next time.
01:17:47We'll see you next time.
01:18:15We'll see you next time.
01:18:49We'll see you next time.
01:19:21We'll see you next time.
01:19:46We'll see you next time.
01:19:47We'll see you next time.
01:20:23We'll see you next time.
01:20:25We'll see you next time.
01:20:44We'll see you next time.
01:20:44We'll see you next time.