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American Dad - Season 22 - Episode 09: Where the Wild Boars Are
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00:03Good morning USA, I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day, the sun in the sky has
00:12a smile on his face, and he's shining a salute to the American race, oh boy it's swell to say,
00:23good morning USA.
00:33And to conclude this tour of my wine yard, a brief toast, to the lowly grape, a simple berry for
00:42peasants named by the Romans of course, after Hanna-Barbera's childish oaf, grape ape, believe it or not, I was
00:50once like the lowly grape myself, young, naive, full of juice, until that special summer, I learned to make wine.
01:00I was at that age when summer means one thing, playing in the woods.
01:06I'm gonna go play in the woods babe, I'll do my chores later.
01:10What? You don't do chores.
01:12The fastest way to the woods was through Mr. Tuttle's backyard.
01:16Careful Jeffrey, I love my lawn and consider her to be my beautiful green wife.
01:22Those waters good and rusty today.
01:27In the woods I could do anything, like find a really cool stick, and use it to whack trees.
01:34I could even throw it like a boomerang.
01:39And of course there was other stuff to do in the woods.
01:44This is gonna be good.
01:47Worms.
01:48Oh, mama.
01:51Don't mind me, just converting this old shack into a bang shed.
01:55It's like a gummy worm on steroids.
01:58Great question, Jeff.
01:59A bang shed is a small, filthy, abandoned structure famously used as a place to have hot sex in the
02:05woods.
02:06I strategically placed this to rile you up for a roll in the shed.
02:09Not with me, I'm just the caretaker.
02:11But it would mean a lot to me if you'd fornicate on this pee-soaked mattress.
02:15It's my pee.
02:19Babe, I saw the monster in the woods again, and it was...
02:22Why are you all dressed up?
02:23We're going to a steakhouse for Dad's half-birthday.
02:26I must have forgotten to tell you.
02:28Can I come?
02:29Oh, I don't know, babe.
02:31You have sap on your hands.
02:33You smell like worms.
02:35Wouldn't you be happier staying home and watching Oliver and Company with Rogu?
02:38Dog!
02:39A dog!
02:39Billy Joe shines in Rome.
02:43I'll stay here.
02:44Have fun, babe!
02:48You took that well, Jeff.
02:50Took what well?
02:51Hayley obviously didn't want you to go.
02:52She thinks of you as a boy.
02:54No, duh.
02:55She's seen my penis.
02:57No, a little boy.
02:59Isn't it possible she likes me despite my many quirks and faults?
03:03No, wifeys want their hobbies to be mature adult men.
03:07Or fish.
03:07If you don't grow up soon, she'll divorce you.
03:09Or worse.
03:11What's worse than the big D?
03:13The twisted sea.
03:15Getting cock-olded.
03:17That's when you're such a little boy, your wife goes out and bonk some other dude.
03:22That's not appropriate for me to hear, Mr. Klaus.
03:25What's not appropriate is lying in the hall while Hayley's headboard goes bonk, bonk, bonk.
03:31Before long, telltale heart-style phantom bonks will drive you up the wall.
03:37I don't want any of that.
03:38Then be a man.
03:39Or else it's, what's that I hear under the floorboards?
03:43The ghost of a brutal cock-holding?
03:45Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk!
03:49I'll show you I'm a man.
03:51I'll run away crying.
03:53And never come back forever.
03:56Never!
03:58Ever!
04:10Stop coming alive, you trees!
04:14The monster!
04:15I gotta hide!
04:20Dear Mr. God, please help me become a man.
04:26Get lost, you bum!
04:28This shed is only for dirty woodland humping.
04:31No solo play.
04:35What's that sound?
04:40Someone forgot to turn off their cup of noodles machine.
04:44Hello?
04:45Hello?
04:46I'm gonna break in.
04:48Please don't shoot me too much.
04:51Help me!
04:52Help me!
04:54Don't worry, an intruder's coming!
05:00Oh god, the toilet's gone mad!
05:03It's eating him alive!
05:04I slipped, getting out of the tub, and I got wedged back here.
05:08Help me!
05:09I'm going to yank you out.
05:10You're so old.
05:12I hope you don't pull apart like roast chicken, mister.
05:17Please, call me Bing.
05:19You look amazing, Mr. Bing!
05:22You look amazing, Mr. Bing!
05:23Way better than you did naked.
05:25Name's just Bing, like the cherry, like the Crosby.
05:29And thank you, even at home, a man should dress to impress.
05:34Do you have any juice?
05:36No.
05:37A man has tea to calm the nerves.
05:40Drink.
05:41Jeffrey, I'm a hermit.
05:44Do you know what that means?
05:45Of course.
05:46You're a crab.
05:47It means I don't go out.
05:50I don't have friends.
05:51If you hadn't found me, I'd died on the bedroom floor.
05:56Every crab's nightmare.
05:58Hey, how did you hear my kettle anyway?
06:01I was out in the woods, where I like to play.
06:04Playing in the woods.
06:06I haven't played in the woods since I was a boy, and even then, I didn't.
06:12I know.
06:13I'm like a little boy.
06:15You're not like a boy.
06:17You are a boy.
06:18A golden halo of innocence surrounds you.
06:22The monster!
06:24Ha!
06:24Like Frankenstein?
06:26Is that what you fear?
06:28Oh, Jeffrey.
06:30Frankenstein hasn't been seen in these woods for years.
06:33Come with me.
06:36Your monster is just a wild boar.
06:40Oh, it's just a monster from the boar's head deli meat packages.
06:45And look.
06:46He's found wild grapes.
06:49Get, you big galoot!
06:51We could make wine with these.
06:54Mr. Bing, you look good.
06:56You smell good.
06:57You know about wine.
06:59Please make me into a man like you.
07:01Becoming a man takes time.
07:04How much time?
07:04Are we done?
07:05I'll teach you what I know, but it's a shame in a way.
07:10Because in becoming a man, you will lose your innocence.
07:14I know.
07:16I did.
07:17One last worm before I'm a man.
07:20This one's name is Wormo.
07:24Thus began my lessons with Bing.
07:27And what became of Wormo?
07:28Well, just a few minutes later, I flung him high into the air.
07:35Now, can we drink?
07:38No.
07:39Bing had agreed to teach me how to be a man.
07:42And as it turns out, aging a boy is a lot like aging a wine.
07:47First rule, aging a boy is a nothing like aging a wine.
07:52Second rule, men take baths.
07:55Life is a battle, and smelling good is your greatest weapon.
08:00That's why they're called bath bombs.
08:03When I was young, I'd paint my whole body purple, privates included.
08:09Then, I'd hide in the grapes so the women would stomp on me, privates included.
08:16I don't want to hear about this.
08:17Okay, okay.
08:19A man needs boundaries.
08:21Speaking of boundaries, I ask you not to enter this room.
08:26It's full of memories from my old life.
08:30Oh, in your old life were you a crooner?
08:33You think all beings are crooners?
08:35Come on.
08:36Just stop trying to go in my secret room, okay?
08:39What?
08:40I didn't even know about it.
08:41Fine.
08:42I forgive you.
08:43Just don't let me catch you again.
08:48Things look good.
08:49The mattress is utterly foobar.
08:51The shed is ready for sex.
08:54Raccoons?
08:55Oh, one's going for the playboys.
08:57Here we go.
09:05This style is called sprezzatura.
09:09It means effortless grace.
09:11In loafers, a man can't help but walk with a certain nonchalance.
09:19Try it, nonchalant with me, baby.
09:25He's a boy, he's a boy, he's a beautiful boy, but he wears loafers like a man.
09:33I'm a boy, I'm a boy, but I'm coming of age.
09:36Hey, watch out for that space, and watch out for this room.
09:40Don't you go in this place.
09:43I wasn't trying to.
09:44Good.
09:45Keep it that way.
09:46He's a boy, he's a boy, he's a beautiful boy.
09:50One day he'll be a beautiful man.
09:54That was a great song, but somehow I have sap on my hands again.
09:59One word.
10:01Extravirgin olive oil.
10:04My hands are so clean, they look like a picture of hands.
10:08What is this stuff?
10:09You never heard of olive oil?
10:11What's a boy eat?
10:12Little nuggets?
10:13I eat whatever babe makes me.
10:16Another rule, a man serves others, and there's nothing better to serve than a simple tomato sandwich.
10:23Good tomato, good oil, and good salt.
10:26Sea salt.
10:27I only use Eastern Caspian sea salt.
10:30If you try to use Western Caspian sea salt, well, it's just not Eastern.
10:38I think I'm a man, Mr. Bing.
10:40I just hammered a cork into a bunghole without laughing.
10:45That much?
10:46You're not a man yet, but maybe it is time for you to go.
10:51Especially since I just got an ember alert that matches your description.
10:55You haven't been checking in with nobody?
11:00Chef, where have you been?
11:02I've been making for you, with sap-free hands, a simple tomato sandwich.
11:10How did you do that?
11:11Are you wearing Heelys?
11:13Babe, you smell incredible.
11:16An old man bathed me.
11:18Excuse me?
11:20This sando is on point.
11:22Ho-ho!
11:23Look at this man!
11:25Maybe the bunking is off the table.
11:27I am a man!
11:29I gotta go tell Bing!
11:31Klaus, did you tell Jeff he was gonna get cuckolded again?
11:34I just told him a bit about the history of the term.
11:37Mr. Bing!
11:38I think I'm a...
11:39Guns?
11:41These are a good guy's guns, right?
11:43You might want to sit down for this, Jeffrey.
11:46Have some tea.
11:51The boar has become a problem.
11:53And when there's a problem, a man doesn't stop until it's solved.
11:58You don't mean...
11:59I have to shoot the boar.
12:02What did he do wrong?
12:04Did he do a big fart like Pumbaa?
12:06He didn't fart like Pumbaa.
12:09He's eating the grapes we need for next year's wine.
12:12So he must be eliminated and made into a simple boar ragu.
12:17I'm sorry.
12:19I guess I'm not a man after all.
12:22You may not be a man yet, but when you are, you can still cry.
12:27A man can always cry.
12:30I think it's time I show you that locked room you've been so obsessed with.
12:35Jeffrey, the truth is, I used to be a hitman for the Bingoni Mafia.
12:42You did all these?
12:44The hits were problems I was good at solving.
12:46I was so good, they had me change my first name to Bingoni.
12:50Bing for short.
12:52My last name is Goon.
12:54So I'm Bingoni Goon and A Bingoni Goon.
12:58And before my family name got shortened at Ellis Island, it was Bingoni Goon.
13:03Which, believe it or not, in English means Bingoni Goon.
13:08You murdered people.
13:09I did, but when my last hit got away, I left the Mafia in shame.
13:16They could have made you sleep with a fish.
13:19But that part of my life is over, especially since you came along.
13:24When I met you, I was stuck behind a toilet.
13:27Now I feel like I can throw a toilet at the moon.
13:32Hey, that's Mr. Tuttle.
13:35You know this man?
13:36He lives just across the woods from you.
13:38I cut through his yard.
13:40Mr. Tuttle loves his yard.
13:43Look!
13:45Yeah, he didn't disappear.
13:47He's just in the witness protection program.
13:50What?
13:51He told you this?
13:52A man hears things.
13:55Jeffrey, would you like to kill the boar?
13:58No, no.
13:58I couldn't.
13:59Not Pumba!
14:00Too pure to kill a Pumba.
14:03Now go.
14:04I'll call you when the wine is ready.
14:06And here.
14:07Take this.
14:09I knew it!
14:10You were a crooner!
14:12I'm not a crooner.
14:13That's Bay Area style rap.
14:16And if you need more space, there's a hollow log out back you can make into an ABU.
14:21Additional bang unit.
14:22How much are you asking, Roger?
14:24Nothing.
14:25Just get in there.
14:26Do you provide the sex partner?
14:27It's not a brothel.
14:28Would you negotiate on the price?
14:30It's free, dammit!
14:31Please just go have sex!
14:32I've sunk too much time and money into this!
14:35No, thank you.
14:35Not for me.
14:36No.
14:41Hog poison.
14:43Weird.
14:44Mr. Bing said he was gonna shoot the boar.
14:47Come in.
14:48The wine is ready.
14:50Ta-da!
14:51I thought we'd bottle it together.
14:53Eh, bottling is overrated.
14:55It is?
14:56By who?
14:56The bottlers.
14:58Hey, Mr. Bing.
14:59You shot the boar, right?
15:01You didn't strangle it or poison it?
15:05Of course I shot it.
15:07Oh, okay.
15:09It's just...
15:10I see.
15:11Because I killed a bunch of people you think I'm some psycho.
15:15Look, to prove to you I've put that life behind me,
15:19I want to reach out to the community.
15:22Share our wine.
15:23We can go door to door together!
15:25Oh, you'll have to deliver it alone.
15:28My old between-the-tub-and-toilet injuries are acting up again.
15:33But you were just dancing around like Fred Astaire.
15:36And where's Fred Astaire now?
15:39Dead.
15:40Now, somewhere here is a very special battle for Tuttle.
15:44Mr. Tuttle?
15:45Why Mr. Tuttle?
15:46He might be afraid of me on account of the Mafia connection.
15:50I want to extend an olive branch.
15:53Is this it?
15:54No!
15:55This one.
15:56It's the only green one.
15:59A nod to his curvaceous, herbaceous green lawn.
16:03Mr. Bing, you don't want to kill Mr. Tuttle, do you?
16:07What?
16:08Kill?
16:09I don't kill anymore.
16:10I won't even listen to the killers.
16:12Except Mr. Brightside.
16:21As I walked to Mr. Tuttle's, my head was swimming with thoughts like,
16:26did Bing poison the wine?
16:28And if I delivered it, would that make me a murderer?
16:32And I wish I hadn't gotten so high this morning.
16:35Then I remembered a few of Grape Ape's antics and chuckled.
16:40But mostly, I was thinking about whether the wine was poisoned.
16:48Hold those glasses up, up, up.
16:51We're nearly at the end.
16:52I returned to my mentor after taking the wine to Tuttle's.
16:56I had made the most difficult decision of my life.
17:00Jeez, Jeffrey, you've gone as pale as a sheet.
17:03Did you see something in that bang shed that spooked you?
17:06There's never anything going on in the bang shed.
17:09I feel sorry for that weird little man.
17:12He's been working his tail off.
17:15Oh, he sees me.
17:17He's backing me over.
17:19No thank you.
17:21He's making kissy faces.
17:23Okay.
17:24He's swallowing a whole banana, humping the air.
17:28He's really throwing the kitchen sink at me here.
17:31Wow.
17:32And now he's rolling out a vibrating saddle.
17:34What would he even plug that into?
17:37Oh, he's showing me the generator.
17:40A lot of smoke coming out of that thing.
17:45Out of gas.
17:46And now he's crying.
17:49Let's have some tea.
17:54So, how did it go with Tuttle?
17:58He was happy to see me.
18:00A trusted friend.
18:01Oh, wonderful.
18:03And the wine.
18:04Was he happy to see the trusted wine?
18:07Mr. Bing, did you poison Tuttle's wine?
18:11Poison Tuttle?
18:12Of course not.
18:13I would no sooner poison Tuttle than use that creepy man's shed.
18:17I heard that through my binoculars.
18:20Oh, I'm happy again.
18:22Jeff, believe me.
18:24I did not poison Tuttle's wine.
18:27Oh, that's a relief.
18:29Hey, let's finally open some of our wine.
18:32I want to taste it.
18:34You already are.
18:35I put some of Tuttle's wine in your tea in case you did poison it.
18:39Isn't that hilarious?
18:41Why would you do that, Jeffrey?
18:44I knew if you made up your mind to kill him, you'd never stop trying.
18:48You said it yourself.
18:49A man doesn't stop until a problem is solved.
18:52I need some air.
18:54Solo play is healthy.
18:59What's the big deal?
19:01You didn't poison it, right?
19:02I did.
19:03I did poison it.
19:04With enough hog poison to poison every hog from here to Poison Hog City.
19:09I'm gonna die.
19:11What?
19:11Oh, God.
19:12What have I done?
19:13You saw a problem, and you didn't stop until you solved it.
19:17You know what that makes you?
19:18A man.
19:20And since you're a man, I don't have to feel bad about killing you.
19:26Sorry, Bing.
19:27I took out all the bullets from your secret guns.
19:30I'm so proud of you, but I bet you didn't find the one in my sack.
19:34I got that one, too.
19:36You get the one in the freezer?
19:38Yep.
19:39Cereal box?
19:40Yep.
19:40Microwave?
19:41Yep.
19:41Inside the hollowed-out loaf of rustic ciabatta bread?
19:44Yep.
19:44The gun behind the toilet?
19:49Why did you have to send me to kill Tunnel?
19:52Because nobody would ever suspect a man of using a boy to kill a man.
19:58I suspected it.
20:00Can't you throw off the poison?
20:02I win.
20:03I'm going to get the gun.
20:06I'm stuck.
20:07Full circle.
20:09Huh, Jeffrey?
20:10If I pull you out, will you still try to kill me?
20:13Yes.
20:14And I have to leave you trapped here, Bing.
20:17Exactly what a man would do.
20:20Go, my beautiful man.
20:22Go.
20:25Babe, I've been looking all over for you.
20:28I'm a man.
20:30Oh, yeah?
20:31Want to show me?
20:33And then I had sex with my wife in the Bing shed.
20:37Wow.
20:38Did anyone find Bing's body?
20:41No.
20:41A bunch of wild boars ran in and ate him alive.
20:45Cheers!
20:52Can you believe all those years ago someone was trying to kill me?
20:57That was interesting to you?
20:58I was mostly drawn to the bang shed parts.
21:01What a challenge that was.
21:03Sadly, those walls didn't stand for long.
21:05Demolished later that summer by a 0.4 earthquake.
21:09Nothing I could do, except go to court.
21:11You might be familiar with my landmark lawsuit,
21:14General Napoleon Boner Parts vs. the United States Geological Survey.
21:18It made the papers.
21:20Creep left out of court.
21:22Oh, that's just the headline.
21:24Keep reading.
21:25It gets worse.
21:26Ah!
21:27You better lawyer up, boar.
21:29Napoleon Boner Parts will see you in court.
21:32Bye.
21:33Have a beautiful time.
21:33Have a beautiful day.
21:34See you next time.
21:36Bye.
21:36Bye.
21:37Bye.
21:37Bye.
21:38Bye.
21:38Bye.
21:38Bye.
21:38Bye.
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