- 2 days ago
Exit Strategy _ Full Comedy Movie _ Kevin Hart _ Jameel Saleem _ Quincy Harris _ Big Boy
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00:05:12All right, I'm going to bed. Give me a kiss.
00:05:19Um, can I get a better kiss than that?
00:05:30Okay, that's enough. We have to get up early tomorrow.
00:05:34What? Why?
00:05:36We do chores on Sundays.
00:05:38I thought we sleep late and watch football on Sundays.
00:05:40You do not. Sundays for chores. You don't sleep late and watch football. Ever.
00:05:48Ever.
00:05:49Can you turn the TV off?
00:05:51Can I leave it on? I like to sleep with the TV on.
00:05:53Just turn it off, okay?
00:05:55I'll turn it down real low.
00:05:57In the bathroom light if you're done. Thanks.
00:06:00Um, can we compromise?
00:06:08Fine.
00:06:10Thank you. Thank you, man. So you are now anointed as a single man.
00:06:15Okay.
00:06:15Okay.
00:06:30Hello.
00:06:36Hello.
00:06:40Hello.
00:06:50big boys neighborhood it is going down man relationships man do they work are you better
00:06:55off being single we've been talking about it man and we got someone that felt like it was it was
00:06:59so
00:07:00necessary to just come up into the neighborhood and be helped with this problem man now your name
00:07:06is james how you doing james man what's so bad about your relationship james well she is uh the
00:07:13antichrist wow yeah man you want to be careful about dating the antichrist man we heard about
00:07:18that yeah i'm working all righty now so this is what we're going to do you're done so if we
00:07:24call
00:07:24her up is it okay to call her up please so do you want me to handle it because i
00:07:28can handle the
00:07:28breakup for you do y'all live together now that's the that's the issue okay i don't have anywhere
00:07:33else to go unless i can stay with you no no you're not gonna stay with me but i'm gonna
00:07:37break up for
00:07:38you but i still i'm gonna ask you to leave i still want to live with her though what i
00:07:42still come on
00:07:42now james man what do you just walked in here we could do a blood test are you trying to
00:07:47do like
00:07:48the friends with benefits thing or new benefits i just want to sleep on her couch do you want to
00:07:52break up with her but you still want to sleep on her couch yes all right do you want me
00:07:56to tell her
00:07:57that yes okay all right you don't want to be homeless all right all right do me a favor
00:08:02brother do me a favor if you write down the name her name are you on the couch all right
00:08:13james why are you on the couch
00:08:16james why are you on the couch because it's softer than the floor
00:08:26james why are you on the couch must have fell asleep with the tv on
00:08:32james why are you on the couch what was i snoring
00:08:47can you uh this tv in the closet and take out the trash please
00:08:51pew pew
00:09:08it's chore day
00:09:22is it better to be single
00:09:45it's not full yet yeah well they're still trashing it it still needs to be emptied it's empty
00:09:51it just has one banana peel and some tissue
00:09:56that was gross you spit in my hand last night that wasn't gross to you that was that was fine
00:10:02this is gross can you just take out the trash and that box needs to go as well please
00:10:22oh my god what is that is it alive no silly it died when i shaved it off my body
00:10:30wow that's disgusting
00:10:32what i haven't shaved in a while i don't know what's the big deal i mean i just thought that
00:10:37since we'd be living together that we'd eventually you know
00:10:43have sex well yeah coming
00:10:57smells so good in here okay all right we'll come in the bathroom when you're done okay okay
00:11:29here have some water
00:11:50it's sunday sunday chore day oh you guys didn't know yeah i didn't know either until last night
00:11:58i just found out i was kind of planning on watching the game with my friends today but no i'm
00:12:04here
00:12:04james i'm getting banana peels out of freaking trash cans james stop what no it's troy day
00:12:10troy day it's okay tony yeah i know it's sad but uh don't cry that's stupid okay uh what we
00:12:15can do is
00:12:15you can stop crying with a little bitch and go to the store and give me some alcohol and then
00:12:19we can
00:12:19all clean together how about that what james tanny's grandmother just died shauna and i are trying
00:12:26to console her
00:12:43what do you got there pal
00:12:51what do you do
00:13:20She doesn't say bless you when I sneeze.
00:13:22She doesn't let me watch TV in bed, and she makes me do chores.
00:13:26She's like an unpleasant, non-seeing Mary Poppins.
00:13:30Mmm, I told you this was going to happen.
00:13:32And she snores like a velociraptor.
00:13:34And the first night that we spend together, I gotta sleep on the couch because of it.
00:13:38Uh, wait.
00:13:39You've never spent the night together before?
00:13:41Nope.
00:13:43You know, I used to think that she was just being old-fashioned.
00:13:46Now I think that she was just trying to M. Night Shyamalan me with a sucky twist at the end.
00:13:52Ugh.
00:13:52Come over here and help me move this.
00:13:54Babe, we don't need no panels.
00:13:55No!
00:13:56How much are these?
00:13:57Thirty dollars.
00:13:58What are you going to do to find out?
00:13:59That's too much.
00:14:00That's way too much.
00:14:01You came here for something else.
00:14:02What about this?
00:14:04There.
00:14:05Maybe I just need time to work the kinks out.
00:14:08It's too bad you don't have an apartment to go back to.
00:14:11It's too bad people don't like you because your face is ugly.
00:14:13You're married to Miss Piggy and I'm awesome.
00:14:17Exactly.
00:14:17So we're not broke.
00:14:19Okay.
00:14:19No, we are.
00:14:20All right.
00:14:20She doesn't know it.
00:14:21She's living this life that she doesn't know.
00:14:22No, we're not broke.
00:14:23Well, this one's 300.
00:14:25Wow.
00:14:26That's 300?
00:14:26But guess what?
00:14:28I'm going to go.
00:14:29Uh-huh.
00:14:29This guy right here, he's the ring expert.
00:14:31Mr. Tall Guy, we need your help, man.
00:14:33I'm going to assume this is your first day.
00:14:34Yeah.
00:14:35You want to come?
00:14:36Tall Guy.
00:14:37Saved my day.
00:14:38All right.
00:14:39All right.
00:14:39Cool.
00:14:39Thank you, man.
00:14:41Great.
00:14:41Doesn't look like he knows much either.
00:14:43This guy's great.
00:14:45So how much is this one?
00:14:46Which one?
00:14:47This one right here.
00:14:48Oh, no.
00:14:48I don't like that one.
00:14:51How much?
00:14:52It's ugly.
00:14:55It's 300.
00:14:55You are so cheap.
00:14:58Wait till I tell my mother that you bought my engagement ring in a stuff shop.
00:15:02Okay.
00:15:04So you two lovers getting married?
00:15:06Oh, yeah.
00:15:06We just had a baby.
00:15:09You are the father.
00:15:10Mm-hmm.
00:15:11Oh, we're going to be a family now.
00:15:13Congratulations.
00:15:14Mari can kiss my ass.
00:15:15You shouldn't talk about Mari like that because he's a great guy.
00:15:19Well, he's so great.
00:15:20Why don't you have him be the father of your child, huh?
00:15:22Yeah.
00:15:22Of course you would say that.
00:15:23You would.
00:15:24He's taken.
00:15:25Okay?
00:15:26But if I could have chose to have him make love to me in the bathroom stall of Chuck E.
00:15:29Cheese
00:15:29instead of you, I would have.
00:15:31Wow.
00:15:31Whatever.
00:15:32Yeah, whatever.
00:15:33I'm going to take this one.
00:15:34It's ugly.
00:15:35Well, it matches your face, honey.
00:15:48James and Kim are so perfect strangers.
00:15:53No.
00:15:54More like Laverne and Shirley.
00:15:56More like Mork and Mindy.
00:15:57James, you're so Mindy, by the way.
00:15:58No.
00:15:59We haven't had sex.
00:16:01What?
00:16:02What?
00:16:02What?
00:16:03Dude, so you're living with a girl.
00:16:05That's your girlfriend.
00:16:06And you're not having sex with her.
00:16:09No.
00:16:10She says that she's still feeling me out.
00:16:13I don't get it.
00:16:14What does that mean?
00:16:15Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:16:16Like, I'm a girl and I don't get that.
00:16:18Whatevs, man.
00:16:19You know, you're trying something different.
00:16:20Cool.
00:16:22Thought you were going to make fun of me.
00:16:25I'm not going to do that to your face.
00:16:27Yeah, well, at least I got a roof over my head because nobody else would take me in.
00:16:31Dude, if you're going to live with her, you've got to get the sex thing out of the way.
00:16:36Trust me, sexual tension in your living situation is not going to make it any more comfortable.
00:16:42But she's not ready, okay?
00:16:45How do I make her ready?
00:16:48Nurture her.
00:16:49What the hell is that?
00:16:50A sex move?
00:16:51No.
00:16:53But it can lead to it.
00:16:57Really?
00:17:03Okay, um...
00:17:05Nurture...
00:17:06How?
00:17:12Faith.
00:17:13Hey.
00:17:14What up?
00:17:16Did you forget your key?
00:17:17No.
00:17:18Uh, well, yeah.
00:17:19Maybe.
00:17:20Yup.
00:17:20I forgot my key.
00:17:21That's what I did.
00:17:23Aw, are those for me?
00:17:24Those?
00:17:25No, no.
00:17:26They are for the best girlfriend in the world.
00:17:30Oh, wait.
00:17:32That is you!
00:17:37Good for you.
00:17:38Good for you.
00:17:38Aw.
00:17:40They're beautiful.
00:17:42Well, guess what the best girlfriend in the world did for you today?
00:17:45She put my TV in the bedroom.
00:17:47No.
00:17:48It's so much better than that!
00:17:50Come on, let me show you.
00:17:51What could be better than that?
00:17:52Close your eyes!
00:17:56Okay, open them.
00:17:59Ta-da!
00:18:01Nice.
00:18:01Take out.
00:18:02You put it on the good plates.
00:18:04No.
00:18:05I cooked it.
00:18:07Nuh-uh.
00:18:08Yeah.
00:18:09I just wanted to make up for the rocky start we had, you know?
00:18:12Just make everything perfect.
00:18:14Sorry, Kermie.
00:18:17Yeah, I'm sorry too.
00:18:22I don't think it's our fault though, you know?
00:18:25It's just...
00:18:27It's a crazy situation.
00:18:29Maybe we need to put on some slow music one night and nurture each other a bunch of times.
00:18:35Then we'll be fine.
00:18:39Thanks for cooking me dinner.
00:18:40And thank you for the eight, nine, ten roses.
00:18:48There's only ten roses here?
00:18:50You're welcome.
00:18:51So, I'm not worth a full dozen?
00:18:54Well, no.
00:18:56Nope.
00:18:56I did the math and you only added up to about ten.
00:19:04Sorry.
00:19:07I'm joking.
00:19:09Seriously?
00:19:12Okay.
00:19:13Wow.
00:19:14If it means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow.
00:19:17Then you'll have a dozen.
00:19:19Bye.
00:19:20Bye.
00:19:39You are worse than a rapist!
00:19:45What?
00:20:35Real quick, man.
00:20:36How much for the mannequin here?
00:20:37The bald one.
00:20:40Uh...
00:20:40Three dollars.
00:20:41Are you selling like faulty mannequin heads?
00:20:43I've never seen one that cheap.
00:20:45How can be faulty?
00:20:46It's a mannequin.
00:20:48I'm just trying to buy a mannequin head.
00:20:49That's all.
00:20:50I don't need an attitude behind it.
00:20:52I'm just...
00:20:52I saw him from outside.
00:20:54I'm into it.
00:20:54I have a thing about the mannequin.
00:20:57That's my business.
00:20:58Okay.
00:20:58I'm trying to give you money.
00:20:59You can have it.
00:21:00I'm five.
00:21:01What is your problem?
00:21:02What's the attitude about, man?
00:21:04No attitude.
00:21:05I'm sensing attitude.
00:21:09Uh...
00:21:10Uh...
00:21:11Sorry, man.
00:21:12I just...
00:21:12I got some things going on.
00:21:13Jeez.
00:21:14What things?
00:21:15You need to get some stuff off your chest?
00:21:16You want to talk about it before you make a sale?
00:21:18I got...
00:21:18I got some girl problems.
00:21:21What kind of girl problems?
00:21:22What are your problems?
00:21:23Really?
00:21:23I don't think I should go into it.
00:21:24I don't think I needed to explain why I wanted the mannequin head, but I had to.
00:21:28Okay.
00:21:28Alright.
00:21:29Got this girl.
00:21:30I want to break up with her.
00:21:32She's crazy.
00:21:33I'll tell you what you do.
00:21:34Next time she eats bacon, shit on her piece.
00:21:38Shit?
00:21:38Shit on her piece of bacon.
00:21:40You know what that's going to do?
00:21:41What?
00:21:41It's going to show a different side of you.
00:21:42She's never seen that side.
00:21:44Okay?
00:21:45Then she's going to say, why you shit on my bacon?
00:21:46When she say, why you shit on my bacon?
00:21:47Say, because I wanted to.
00:21:49I'm a man.
00:21:50I'll do what the hell I want in this household.
00:21:51No, you won't.
00:21:52You won't shit on my bacon.
00:21:53Problem.
00:21:54I'm done.
00:21:55I'm not going to deal with a woman that goes back and forth with me.
00:21:57Leave.
00:21:58You're out.
00:21:58You see what I'm saying?
00:21:59Shit on the bacon.
00:22:00Shit on the bacon, homie.
00:22:01I know what I'm talking about.
00:22:02I've been with women for years.
00:22:04Okay, and if that doesn't work, though, what should I do?
00:22:07There's no reason why it shouldn't work.
00:22:09How many times did you shit on somebody's bacon?
00:22:12None times.
00:22:12Exactly.
00:22:13So how do you know if it doesn't work?
00:22:14I don't.
00:22:15Exactly.
00:22:16Shit on the bacon, man.
00:22:17That's your problem.
00:22:17You asked too many questions, son.
00:22:18What if I can't produce the shit?
00:22:19Then wait until you got the shit and then cook the bacon.
00:22:23Okay.
00:22:24Alright?
00:22:24Alright.
00:22:26I see why she's crazy.
00:22:28Why?
00:22:30Can I get the mannequin hit, man?
00:22:32That's it, dude.
00:22:33I done took time out of my life to drop some science on you.
00:22:36I don't have time.
00:22:36Here you go.
00:22:38Here we go.
00:22:39Let's see why you don't get good business.
00:22:41Here.
00:22:41Excuse me?
00:22:42Let's see why you don't get good business.
00:22:47Hey, you.
00:22:49You're going to go good with all that stuff.
00:22:51Trust you, whatever we call you, Ethel.
00:22:55How much do I owe you?
00:22:56Let's take it.
00:22:57You sure?
00:22:57Yeah.
00:22:58Alright.
00:23:01Say bye.
00:23:02Her name's Charlene.
00:23:04Not anymore.
00:23:05Good morning.
00:23:3630 seconds but I'm through
00:23:41And I wonder if
00:23:44I should up and quit
00:23:48I'm rolling, rolling, rolling
00:23:52My heart around the bed
00:23:57Rolling, rolling, rolling
00:23:59Life's kicking me down again
00:24:07Kermie! Wake up!
00:24:10Breakfast in bed
00:24:30Why are you dancing?
00:24:31My daddy's coming over for dinner tonight
00:24:35I thought he was in Spain
00:24:36Barcelona
00:24:37But he just got back last night
00:24:38And he's coming over today
00:24:40So you mister need to eat your breakfast
00:24:43Because you have a big day ahead of you
00:24:46Oh and I like your beer
00:24:47I like it, I like it, I like it
00:25:00What is this?
00:25:01Bacon
00:25:02Bacon
00:25:03It's fake bacon
00:25:04Shit on the bacon homie
00:25:05My dad's a vegetarian so
00:25:07I like real bacon though
00:25:08Well you don't need real bacon anymore
00:25:10Because there's fake bacon
00:25:11Oh and those are some
00:25:13I can't believe it's not sausage
00:25:14Sausage
00:25:15But I like to call it sausage
00:25:18Try some, come on, try it
00:25:20Okay
00:25:26Pulp?
00:25:28I hate pulp
00:25:29I thought you liked pulp
00:25:32I don't
00:25:40Baldur's food
00:25:46Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
00:25:47Mmmmmmmmmm
00:25:48Mmmmmmmmmmmmm
00:25:49Good
00:25:49It's chewy
00:25:50Good, right?
00:25:52No
00:25:58Chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, yay!
00:26:07I was sleeping in the pink room last night.
00:26:10Pinky and the brain.
00:26:11Shut up.
00:26:13What's wrong with you?
00:26:14Not in the mood.
00:26:17Yeah.
00:26:28I'll give you 100 for it.
00:26:3082 in cash and the rest in quarters.
00:26:33Get out of here, Scoop.
00:26:35Come on, dude.
00:26:36You don't even like baseball anymore.
00:26:39Doesn't matter.
00:26:40It's my card.
00:26:41I can do what I want.
00:26:42Why even keep it in the case if you're not gonna sell it?
00:26:45Oh, I'm not gonna sell it to you.
00:26:46Doesn't mean I'm not gonna sell it to somebody else.
00:26:48You're just mad because the Orioles are the worst team in baseball.
00:26:51You're the worst team in baseball.
00:26:53You're ugly.
00:26:54You're a virgin.
00:26:55Way worse than being ugly.
00:26:57Completely irrelevant.
00:26:58I sucked a boob.
00:26:59A boob?
00:27:00Yeah, probably.
00:27:02And you were also eating baby food at the time, right?
00:27:04No, I suck boobs all the time.
00:27:06I'm a suck machine.
00:27:07Shouldn't you, uh, be off somewhere doing homework in your suit?
00:27:11Why are you wearing a suit?
00:27:13I had a presentation at school today.
00:27:15Did you present how much of a suck machine you are to the class?
00:27:18God, you're such a douche.
00:27:20Emphasis on the duh.
00:27:21You're a suck machine.
00:27:22Emphasis on the balls that you suck.
00:27:25Boobs.
00:27:26Balls.
00:27:27I'm coming back.
00:27:29Mm-hmm.
00:27:35I want to pawn this engagement ring, please.
00:27:40That's a big rock.
00:27:43How much do you want for it?
00:27:45It doesn't even matter.
00:27:46I can't stand looking at it anymore.
00:27:48I want to get rid of it.
00:27:48Well, this isn't a pawn shop, but I'll give you a dollar for it.
00:27:53What?
00:27:53That worthless jerk.
00:27:55No, no, no.
00:27:56It's fake, isn't it?
00:27:56Is this fake?
00:27:57He means one dollar for every tear he made you cry, and that still wouldn't be enough.
00:28:03That's sweet.
00:28:05I know your pain.
00:28:06You don't even have to tell me what happened, because I know, and somehow I feel sorry.
00:28:12You know, what kind of world do we live in where a beautiful creature like yourself gets
00:28:17her heart broken?
00:28:18Let me guess.
00:28:19By what?
00:28:20Professional athlete?
00:28:22Am I right?
00:28:23Yeah.
00:28:23Football.
00:28:24I knew it.
00:28:26It's amazing.
00:28:27Don't ask me how I know.
00:28:28I just know these things.
00:28:29No.
00:28:30You must be psychic.
00:28:32Or, like, you must have some kind of connection.
00:28:35You feel it too?
00:28:40You know, I don't know what I'm going to do.
00:28:43I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.
00:28:45Don't cry.
00:28:46No.
00:28:46I feel so betrayed.
00:28:48And you should.
00:28:49You know, but I would never do that to you.
00:28:50You know why?
00:28:51Because it's not because I don't have the options, you know, to lead to those problems.
00:28:55It's because I don't have the money that those options have.
00:28:59That is so sweet.
00:29:02I'm going to take you out.
00:29:03And we're not going to care about whatever that basketball player did to you.
00:29:07Football.
00:29:08Football, basketball, whatever that barely passing the SAT chump did.
00:29:12We're not even going to think about it.
00:29:13Okay?
00:29:13Because I don't play games.
00:29:14Unless it's Connect Four.
00:29:16And I would never play Connect Four with your heart.
00:29:21No.
00:29:22Maybe that is exactly what I need.
00:29:25A fat old poor man with a really good heart.
00:29:31Yeah, maybe.
00:29:33You know, this is turning out to be a real serendipitous day.
00:29:37I mean, wow, like my luck is changing.
00:29:40You know, I'm going to change because you've inspired me.
00:29:45Can I inspire you for your name?
00:29:48My name is Sandy.
00:29:50Hello, Sandy.
00:29:51I'm Carvel.
00:29:54And that's James.
00:29:56I'm going to take this ring from you, okay?
00:30:00Okay.
00:30:01You know, because love is more important than a ring anyway.
00:30:06It is.
00:30:07Can I just trouble you for your phone number?
00:30:10I was going to go out if I don't have your number.
00:30:12You know?
00:30:13It's Sandy.
00:30:15That's my area called.
00:30:16We're going to have so much fun.
00:30:21You know what I'm going to do?
00:30:23Yeah.
00:30:24I'm going to get this trigger right there.
00:30:27Receive.
00:30:29You take this.
00:30:31Guess what that is.
00:30:32It's my heart.
00:30:35Oh.
00:30:36He's gentle.
00:30:37He's gentle.
00:30:37That is...
00:30:38You know, you are the most adorable grown man I have ever, ever met.
00:30:46You're like a little boy in a big old body.
00:30:50I'm trapped.
00:30:51Get me out.
00:30:52I'm trapped.
00:30:52Get me out.
00:30:53Sandy, help me.
00:30:56Get out.
00:30:56Get out.
00:30:57Get out.
00:30:58Bye, Sandy.
00:30:59Bye.
00:31:00Bye.
00:31:01Don't forget your pocket.
00:31:03Bye.
00:31:04Bye.
00:31:05Bye.
00:31:06Bye.
00:31:07I'm trapped.
00:31:07I can't get out.
00:31:09Yeah.
00:31:10Nurture.
00:31:11Boom.
00:31:11That's how you do it.
00:31:12Bam.
00:31:13You close.
00:31:13You get in.
00:31:14Bow.
00:32:07Hey, James.
00:32:08Could you close up for me tonight?
00:32:09I gotta go to the mall before it closes.
00:32:12I'm gonna go to a dinner club with Jeff tonight, and if I run late, he calls the police station
00:32:17and reports me missing.
00:32:19Wow.
00:32:20Thanks.
00:32:20What are you gonna do tonight?
00:32:22I am having dinner with Kim and her father, who I never met before.
00:32:27Wow.
00:32:29Mm-mm.
00:32:30Not excited about it.
00:32:31Well, look on the bright side.
00:32:32I mean, if father of the bride approves, you know, you're in there, man.
00:32:38You're part of the fam.
00:32:39I don't wanna be part of any family.
00:32:42All right.
00:32:43Well, good luck.
00:32:45Bad luck.
00:32:49Hey, loser!
00:32:54Still no on the card, Scoop.
00:32:56Trade!
00:32:57No.
00:32:57No trades.
00:32:59Come on, you bad catcher.
00:33:00I'll give you twice what the card's worth.
00:33:02Twice ain't enough.
00:33:03Okay?
00:33:04Get out of here.
00:33:05You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
00:33:07Or week.
00:33:08Biggest mistake of your week.
00:33:11Okay.
00:33:12You really want that card?
00:33:14Are boobs made for sucking?
00:33:17Fine.
00:33:21Give me your soul.
00:33:22My what?
00:33:23Your soul.
00:33:25My...
00:33:26My soul?
00:33:27Yep.
00:33:28I don't...
00:33:29I don't understand.
00:33:30Well, why...
00:33:31What do you need my soul for?
00:33:33Come here.
00:33:33It's really...
00:33:34I don't...
00:33:35I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:33:37I understand what's going on.
00:33:39Give me your soul.
00:33:41And I'll give you this card.
00:33:45All...
00:33:45All or half?
00:33:47All.
00:33:47Who the hell want a half soul?
00:33:52Okay.
00:33:54All right.
00:33:54Deal.
00:33:56Wow.
00:33:57Really?
00:33:57That easy?
00:33:58Yeah.
00:33:59That card's worth a soul.
00:34:01And besides, rappers do it all the time.
00:34:04Yeah, but rappers sell their soul for money and bitches.
00:34:07Not baseball cards.
00:34:10What are you saying?
00:34:11I'm saying go home right now and I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your soul for a
00:34:15baseball card.
00:34:15But I just...
00:34:17You...
00:34:18I...
00:34:18I...
00:34:19I...
00:34:19I...
00:34:19Go.
00:34:22What?
00:34:23What?
00:34:23Yeah.
00:34:25That's a...
00:34:25Yeah.
00:34:26Go!
00:34:56Mr. James.
00:35:00Please don't call me that.
00:35:02I had a teacher named Mr. James.
00:35:03Didn't like him very much.
00:35:06You can call me James.
00:35:07You got something against teachers.
00:35:10No.
00:35:10No.
00:35:11I like teachers.
00:35:13Cause they're for the kids.
00:35:14And I love kids.
00:35:17Not in a sexual way though.
00:35:19You know, like platonic love.
00:35:26Are you having sex with my daughter?
00:35:30You guys ready for some fosage?
00:35:32Mmm.
00:35:34Mmm.
00:35:41So, Mr. Sweet, what were you doing in Barcelona?
00:35:46I saw this movie called Vicky and Cristina Barcelona.
00:35:49Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
00:35:50I saw it.
00:35:50It's about a gentleman who has a threesome with two beautiful women.
00:35:54I thought I could get lucky.
00:35:56Uno.
00:35:57Dos.
00:35:59Tres.
00:36:00Todays.
00:36:01Correctamundo.
00:36:02Well, did you?
00:36:03You're lucky.
00:36:05No.
00:36:06Unless you consider a foursome lucky.
00:36:11You're kidding right?
00:36:15He's kidding.
00:36:19So is that why they call you Mr. Sweet?
00:36:21I thought your last name was Johnson.
00:36:23It is.
00:36:24But let's just say long or the short.
00:36:27I killed a man with a candy cane.
00:36:34Why aren't you just kill him with kindness?
00:36:37Less blood that way.
00:36:39You know, you being a vegetarian and all.
00:36:43I don't mind blood.
00:36:44Yeah, I don't mind blood either.
00:36:47The more blood the better, I say.
00:36:48You say that.
00:36:51I said it just now.
00:36:53Might say it again one day.
00:36:56You ever killed a woman, James?
00:37:01Cheers.
00:37:02Cheers.
00:37:06Cheers.
00:37:14Cheers.
00:37:18Cheers.
00:37:20Cheers.
00:37:21Cheers.
00:37:22Cheers.
00:37:22Cheers.
00:37:22Cheers.
00:37:22Cheers.
00:37:22Cheers.
00:37:23Cheers.
00:37:35You look so vulnerable when you're asleep.
00:37:38Vulnerable as in what?
00:37:40Easy to kill?
00:37:42No, easy to love.
00:37:45I feel like I have your heart right here in my hand.
00:37:48Like I just ripped it out of your chest and it's right here.
00:37:51Just beat it.
00:37:53Bump bump.
00:37:55Bump bump.
00:37:56Bump bump.
00:37:58It's not love.
00:38:00It's the temple of doom.
00:38:01Okay, so it's our love temple.
00:38:05And we'd be doomed without each other.
00:38:07I'm not worth a full dozen.
00:38:08Eight, nine, ten.
00:38:11Ken.
00:38:13Rapist!
00:38:14I think I should tell you something before this goes any further.
00:38:17What is it?
00:38:22I don't love you.
00:38:25I just kind of like you a little bit.
00:38:27That's okay.
00:38:28That's okay.
00:38:29You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:32I'm not afraid of it.
00:38:34I'm afraid of you and the crazy way you're talking right now.
00:38:40I'm just crazy in love, James.
00:38:44We're going to be together forever.
00:38:48You don't want to be together.
00:38:51I do.
00:38:52I don't.
00:38:53I do.
00:38:57Hurry!
00:38:59It's getting cold!
00:39:03Hurry!
00:39:14It's getting cold!
00:39:26What?
00:39:27Is it too hot?
00:39:30Is it too cold?
00:39:32No.
00:39:36Is it just so good you can't keep it in your mouth?
00:39:39No.
00:39:41Just...
00:39:42Just what?
00:39:44Honestly.
00:39:45You really want to know?
00:39:47Honestly.
00:39:48It tastes like shit.
00:39:50Like actual shit.
00:39:53Like you put a spoonful of shit in my oatmeal and mixed it around.
00:39:58You don't have to be afraid.
00:40:00Afraid that you might have put shit in my oatmeal.
00:40:05But you wouldn't do that.
00:40:07No.
00:40:08You wouldn't put animal or human feces in my oatmeal, would you?
00:40:16That's right, James.
00:40:18Shit.
00:40:22Why would you do that?
00:40:23That's what our relationship is going to taste like if we don't commit to making it the best way.
00:40:26It can be right now.
00:40:28Seriously, Kim, what did you put in there?
00:40:30I'm just going to have to be more proactive with my efforts.
00:40:33So are you saying that I just had shit in my mouth?
00:40:35Really?
00:40:36Wow.
00:40:37You know what?
00:40:37Shit.
00:40:38I'm glad we had this talk.
00:40:46Break up?
00:40:47Break up?
00:40:48I mean, if that's what you want.
00:40:51You can totally do that.
00:40:52You know, we'll obviously still be roommates though.
00:40:55We'll still live together.
00:40:56Okay.
00:40:56Of course.
00:40:59Wow.
00:40:59I knew you would be, like, good about this.
00:41:01I knew you would be great about this.
00:41:03You know what?
00:41:05What?
00:41:06I think I'm done feeling you out.
00:41:08What does that mean?
00:41:11Cool.
00:41:12Okay.
00:41:13Okay, so there's 88 keys.
00:41:14There's a rapper named 88.
00:41:16Alright, but this is a piano, so.
00:41:18Okay.
00:41:19There's, that's the middle of it.
00:41:20Cool.
00:41:21Okay.
00:41:21So you just put your hand here.
00:41:23And there's an octave.
00:41:25So you, an octave to you.
00:41:28Okay.
00:41:28Okay.
00:41:29So C to C.
00:41:31Just one.
00:41:33Hey.
00:41:34Hey.
00:41:37Hey.
00:41:37Okay, so there's C.
00:41:41Oh, wait.
00:41:42Don't, don't think.
00:41:43Oh.
00:41:44Hey.
00:41:45Hey.
00:41:46Hey.
00:41:47Hey.
00:41:48Hey.
00:41:50Yo, he just called her Miss Piggy.
00:41:51Finally.
00:41:52How'd he get?
00:41:53Finally?
00:41:54Oh, shit.
00:41:55Let's see.
00:41:56Get a close up.
00:41:57I'll kill him.
00:41:58Oh, damn it.
00:41:59Oh, damn it.
00:42:00Keep it right there.
00:42:04How's this supposed to be?
00:42:05That's really cool.
00:42:06Oh, here.
00:42:07Why is he making that noise?
00:42:09Wait.
00:42:09No, no, no.
00:42:10Don't, don't touch me right there.
00:42:11Don't touch me right there.
00:42:15He's losing the battle.
00:42:18How long was that?
00:42:19Ten minutes?
00:42:19He's done.
00:42:24Oh, by the way, we have to be at Shauna's at 8.
00:42:27So I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:42:30But...
00:42:33Hey.
00:42:36Hey.
00:42:38Wait.
00:42:38Kim.
00:42:40Kim.
00:42:42Kim.
00:42:43What?
00:42:43What's going on?
00:42:45Thought we were still gonna talk about breaking up?
00:42:47No.
00:42:48What do you mean, no?
00:42:49No, I don't wanna break up.
00:42:50Why not?
00:42:51Because...
00:42:52I just gave you my born-again virginity.
00:42:54Born-again virginity?
00:42:55Yes.
00:42:56What is that?
00:42:57After every relationship, I get born again.
00:42:59What is that?
00:43:00Like, formatting your hard drive?
00:43:02Yeah, I guess so.
00:43:04Well, I still think we should break up.
00:43:09Honestly?
00:43:12Yeah.
00:43:15What?
00:43:16Oh, my God!
00:43:20What?
00:43:24After what I just gave you?
00:43:30Kim.
00:43:31No!
00:43:31No!
00:43:33No!
00:43:34No!
00:43:35No!
00:43:36No!
00:43:38No!
00:43:39No!
00:43:40No!
00:43:40No!
00:43:40No!
00:43:43No!
00:43:46It's gonna suck so much when you die!
00:43:51Excuse me?
00:43:52What?
00:43:54I never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:43:58They lived happily ever after?
00:44:01They all disappeared.
00:44:04Maybe they're just hiding from you.
00:44:06Maybe someone killed them.
00:44:09And then chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces.
00:44:16What's that crazy look in your eyes?
00:44:17It's love, James.
00:44:19It's the same love that made my mother die from loneliness.
00:44:2480 proof loneliness.
00:44:27But alcohol...
00:44:30Alcohol isn't the answer, James.
00:44:33What's the, uh...
00:44:34What's the answer?
00:44:39Straight up street violence!
00:44:44I was joking.
00:44:45I can't, I can't hear you.
00:44:47I was joking.
00:44:49You're joking?
00:44:50You're joking?
00:44:52Oh my God!
00:44:54You just saved your life!
00:44:57You have no idea!
00:44:59From now on I'm not gonna take anything you say seriously!
00:45:03You're always joking, you're always joking, joking, joking!
00:45:10That's all.
00:45:11Okay.
00:45:12Well, okay, well, I'll bring you a different shirt later.
00:45:14I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:45:16Okay.
00:45:16Alright, I love you!
00:45:18I miss you!
00:45:19Thank you!
00:45:29This is all your fault!
00:45:30You know that?
00:45:32Straight up street violence!
00:45:34If you had ovaries, I'd be afraid for your future children.
00:45:37If you had any heart, you would have came and smacked her around a little bit.
00:45:41No, look, what I need is to get out of this relationship without the occurrence of any physical confrontation.
00:45:49That's all I need.
00:45:50Dude, you need an exit strategy.
00:45:52Because unless Osama Bin Laden is hiding in that girl's vajayjay, you gotta get away.
00:45:57Am I right?
00:45:58You're right.
00:45:59I need to bring the troops on.
00:46:00Bring them home.
00:46:01By troops, I mean my manhood.
00:46:03Exactly.
00:46:04Hold on, wait.
00:46:05Do you guys hear that?
00:46:05What?
00:46:06That's the sound of brain cells dying because that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
00:46:11Whatever.
00:46:12You guys are being dumbasses.
00:46:13Whatever.
00:46:13You listen to her, you listen to me.
00:46:16It's your choice.
00:46:20Okay.
00:46:27What?
00:46:28Nothing.
00:46:29I just imagined you saying that you were thinking about what our kids would look like.
00:46:35You imagined me saying that?
00:46:37Mm-hmm.
00:46:38And our wedding too.
00:46:40You said you wanted all of our families to be there.
00:46:42All of our friends will accept Carville.
00:46:44And then you said go to Paris and make love under the Eiffel Tower.
00:46:48And then go to Barcelona and embrace under every landmark for 15 minutes.
00:46:52And then you whispered in my ear, I want to have you inside of me.
00:46:57And I was like, what?
00:46:59That's impossible.
00:47:01And you were like, I know that's impossible.
00:47:04But I still want it.
00:47:05I just love your soul.
00:47:09Aw.
00:47:10You can be so romantic sometimes.
00:47:13You know, imagining me saying something doesn't really count as me saying it, right?
00:47:20Okay.
00:47:21Oh.
00:47:21I did good with one.
00:47:23Yeah.
00:47:23Oh, you know what?
00:47:24James.
00:47:24James can help you.
00:47:25James.
00:47:26Oh.
00:47:26Come on, help Shawna get the china globes up here.
00:47:29Okay?
00:47:30Yeah, he'll help you.
00:47:30He's tall enough.
00:47:31He can do that.
00:47:31Good, good, good.
00:47:32And then what about our candles?
00:47:34Uh, the candles?
00:47:35You know what?
00:47:35I was thinking about doing...
00:47:37I don't know.
00:47:37What do you think?
00:47:38I think so.
00:47:39Okay, that's a good idea for the pool.
00:47:41You might have to run around and get those.
00:47:41But you also might want to get some tea candles, like the really small ones.
00:47:43Oh, that's romantic.
00:47:44To set the table.
00:47:45You know what I mean?
00:47:45Very romantic.
00:47:45It's a little bit nice with the sun going down.
00:47:48Maybe we can get James to help clean some of this stuff out of the pool.
00:47:50Yeah, he can do that.
00:47:51I haven't gotten around to it.
00:47:52He can take care of that.
00:47:53That's what he's here for.
00:47:54Good, good.
00:47:55The more, the merrier.
00:47:56Yeah, so these need to go up here.
00:47:58People are out with that.
00:47:59They'll be good.
00:48:00I'm so excited to get those up.
00:48:01I know.
00:48:01I'm going to get those up forever.
00:48:03Yeah, if you could just, you know, kind of...
00:48:05You're tall.
00:48:06I'll just...
00:48:08There's only two of them.
00:48:09Absolutely.
00:48:12One, two, three.
00:48:13Come on.
00:48:14Get it up.
00:48:15Come on.
00:48:15Get it up.
00:48:17I love that.
00:48:17Little tipsy.
00:48:19You guys are my feelings.
00:48:20I want to come here every week because I love each and every one of your faces.
00:48:24As you should.
00:48:24And that's not the rum talking.
00:48:26As you should.
00:48:26That's this guy talking.
00:48:27That's right.
00:48:30I didn't think I liked you at first.
00:48:31Because it was the best thing.
00:48:34It was the best thing.
00:48:35It was the best thing.
00:48:35No, but you had thrown on me, my friend.
00:48:38Is this like the shirt that I bought today?
00:48:40I knew you picked that out.
00:48:42You have such great shape.
00:48:43I know.
00:48:44That's awesome.
00:48:45That's so great.
00:48:46Yes, we are.
00:48:47We picked out our outfits, too.
00:48:49I knew that.
00:48:50Crystal James looked great in pink.
00:48:52Those are all purple salt-shaped.
00:48:53We're wearing pink together.
00:48:56Oh.
00:48:58Oh.
00:48:58Nice.
00:49:00The tequila melted so high.
00:49:01I know.
00:49:02Or is it vodka or rum?
00:49:03I can't remember what.
00:49:05We've had it all.
00:49:05We don't remember.
00:49:06It doesn't matter.
00:49:07It's good.
00:49:08He's getting the job done.
00:49:09Yeah.
00:49:09He might need to be cut off, actually.
00:49:11All right.
00:49:12Oh, come on.
00:49:13This is a little special punch.
00:49:15No, no, no, no.
00:49:16I will walk home.
00:49:16I will walk home before I get it.
00:49:18No, you will not.
00:49:19You will not.
00:49:20When you work hard all week, you deserve it.
00:49:22No, I am.
00:49:25I agree.
00:49:25I agree.
00:49:25I will sleep here.
00:49:27I will sleep on a raft in the pool.
00:49:28No, he will not.
00:49:29I want to go home today.
00:49:31Damn, you can give me a tomorrow.
00:49:33Play station.
00:49:34Me and you.
00:49:34Play station next week on here.
00:49:36Play station.
00:49:37Oh.
00:49:38Game night?
00:49:38Um.
00:49:39Play station.
00:49:40Let's do it.
00:49:41Come on, James.
00:49:41Play station.
00:49:44James, you need another drink there, man?
00:49:45You look good on pink.
00:49:47Doesn't he?
00:49:47That's what I tell him all the time.
00:49:49He needs to wear more pink.
00:49:50So we can match together.
00:49:53Hey.
00:49:54What a cutie.
00:49:55What a cutie.
00:49:57What a cutie.
00:49:57What a cutie.
00:49:58What a cutie.
00:49:59What a cutie.
00:50:00All right, Ronnie's having a good time.
00:50:02You just looked at me.
00:50:03All right, you're talking.
00:50:04Now you're talking with me.
00:50:05Oh.
00:50:06All right, all right.
00:50:08I'll cheers to that.
00:50:08Yeah.
00:50:09Hey.
00:50:10Hey.
00:50:10All right, all right, all right.
00:50:11Yeah.
00:50:12Hey.
00:50:13Hey.
00:50:15Hey.
00:50:15Hey.
00:50:16Hey.
00:50:16Hey.
00:50:17I'm out.
00:50:21Where's he going?
00:50:22Was he upset?
00:50:24I think it might have been the tequila.
00:50:26He left his shoes.
00:50:28Uh.
00:50:29It's okay.
00:50:30That was...
00:50:31I mean...
00:50:43Again, when I stormed out of the party back there, I wasn't storming out of our relationship.
00:50:56You know, just the party. We're still cool, right?
00:51:09I mean, you're worried about everybody that you're tweeting and BBMing, and they're not even your friends in real life.
00:51:15Like, duh. Come on.
00:51:18You're so cute right now. You're jealous. Right, right.
00:51:23I have so many followers.
00:51:36I don't get it. Like, follow you where? What is that?
00:51:40You're a Quaker. Right. I'm a Quaker, and you're a techno whore.
00:51:43Stuff shop, this is Leona.
00:51:46Now that is the posture of a guy with no whipped cream in his chocolate pudding.
00:51:51What are you doing?
00:51:51Back door was open.
00:51:53Get out. You're not getting that car, Scoop.
00:51:56Whoa, whoa, hey.
00:51:57Get out.
00:51:57Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time here.
00:51:59I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:52:02What situation?
00:52:03That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:52:06Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:52:09Get out.
00:52:09Hey, I can help you out. I can get her to break up with you.
00:52:13Get out.
00:52:14Come on, dude. I don't have any after school activities.
00:52:21Well, she wouldn't break up with me anyway. Why would she do that?
00:52:24Girls do it all the time.
00:52:27They break up with a guy that they thought was the one just as soon as they find out that
00:52:31he's not the one.
00:52:34So all we gotta do is convince her that you're not the one.
00:52:47Honey, I'm home.
00:52:50You're late.
00:52:55What happened to you?
00:52:57I went to a strip club after work and sucked some boobs and got a lap dance.
00:53:04Couple lap dances.
00:53:10Oops.
00:53:12Wow.
00:53:13Busted.
00:53:14What is that?
00:53:16Looks like I've been having safe sex.
00:53:19A lot of it too.
00:53:20Don't be fooled by just the one condom. I used a lot of them.
00:53:24Some I used twice. I doubled up.
00:53:26You don't believe me?
00:53:32You were such a bad liar.
00:53:35That's good though.
00:53:37That's a good quality to having a spouse.
00:53:39I'm not lying.
00:53:42I had sex.
00:53:44With a stripper.
00:53:46In the strip club.
00:53:47What was the stripper's name?
00:53:51Strawberry?
00:53:52Banana?
00:53:54Yogurt?
00:53:56Was her best friend there?
00:53:57Rainbow sherbet?
00:54:00Or was it mint chocolate chip?
00:54:10Man, what? I love strawberry banana yogurt.
00:54:13It's all I could think of.
00:54:14Your favorite dessert is all you could think of?
00:54:17At least you didn't say like rainbow sherbet.
00:54:20Or mint chocolate chip.
00:54:21You should have said like cinnamon or like peaches and cream.
00:54:25Oh, peaches and cream.
00:54:26That sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers though.
00:54:29Batman and Robin.
00:54:31Peaches and cream.
00:54:32Dude, crime fighting strippers.
00:54:34Oh my god.
00:54:35That could be like a TV show.
00:54:36Like peaches and cream.
00:54:37Coming up next on HBO.
00:54:39That'd be a hot TV show.
00:54:40Yeah.
00:54:41I would love it.
00:54:43Oh.
00:54:44Your boyfriend.
00:54:46Yo! Office! Now!
00:54:47That little stunt you had me pull?
00:54:48Didn't work.
00:54:49She didn't believe me.
00:54:50Did you pull the empty condom wrapper trick?
00:54:52This is bad.
00:54:55It's interesting.
00:54:55It's not interesting.
00:54:57It's bad.
00:54:58Okay?
00:54:59I'm getting my advice from a kid.
00:55:01A suck machine.
00:55:02Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:55:03Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:55:04The first thing I learned from watching Gossip Girls is that women are irrational.
00:55:08Big word.
00:55:09Can you spell it?
00:55:11And when dealing with irrational people, you have to be even more irrational.
00:55:17You gotta think outside the box.
00:55:19Why don't you think outside the store?
00:55:24Well, if it's gonna be a problem, then I'll, uh, just have to take my services elsewhere.
00:55:29You should do that.
00:55:32I-R-R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L.
00:55:35Nice.
00:55:44You watch Gossip Girls?
00:55:46Yes, I do.
00:55:47And I can help you.
00:55:49You just gotta trust me.
00:55:52But first, I'm gonna need that Kyle Ripken Jr. rookie card.
00:55:54No way.
00:55:55Mm-mm.
00:55:59I've got this.
00:56:00I've got this.
00:56:01I've got this.
00:56:14I've got this.
00:56:15I've got this.
00:56:17I've got this.
00:56:18I've got this.
00:56:18Do you think I've got this?
00:56:20Yeah.
00:56:22Let's just go.
00:56:23Let's go.
00:56:28Hi, Ash.
00:56:29Hi, Dee.
00:56:31Hey.
00:56:32Hey.
00:56:33Dad.
00:56:34You're just in time to get your nails done.
00:56:38Who's this?
00:56:39This is Yenny.
00:56:41Right?
00:56:43Apparently, I'm her new mother.
00:56:45Her old one was killed in a freak.
00:56:47Was it hyena and a wolverine attack?
00:56:50And a barracuda.
00:56:51And a barracuda.
00:56:52Wow.
00:56:53That is so funny.
00:56:53It's so heartbreaking.
00:56:54I don't get it.
00:56:55Is this some kind of joke or something?
00:56:57What?
00:56:58You mean you don't remember impregnating a girl when you were 12 years old?
00:57:02Yeah.
00:57:04Oh.
00:57:07Yes.
00:57:09Wow.
00:57:10I was 13.
00:57:12Why don't you come join us on the couch?
00:57:14Sit on down.
00:57:16Alright.
00:57:18You must be tired from working all day.
00:57:20Yes.
00:57:21Long day.
00:57:21Yeah.
00:57:22You can get a little closer.
00:57:24Yeah.
00:57:25We won't bite you.
00:57:26Okay.
00:57:29She looks just like me.
00:57:31That's what everybody...
00:57:32She looks resembling.
00:57:32Wow.
00:57:37So...
00:57:38Yenny is your name?
00:57:40Dad.
00:57:41You know my name.
00:57:42Stop it.
00:57:43Don't go here.
00:57:45You're gonna have to...
00:57:47You're gonna have to move in with us.
00:57:49Yeah.
00:57:50Right?
00:57:50Mm-hmm.
00:57:51Yep.
00:57:51And since I won't be around, you're gonna be her new mommy.
00:57:54How about that?
00:57:55Kim?
00:57:56Of course.
00:57:57What?
00:57:58James, I've always wanted to have your children.
00:58:00I mean...
00:58:01I didn't know it was gonna be so soon.
00:58:04That hurt.
00:58:05But, um...
00:58:07Of course I'll help you raise your daughter.
00:58:12Okay.
00:58:14What?
00:58:19Okay, um, this is awkward.
00:58:21I can't, like, really be your daughter because I kind of have a mother already.
00:58:26Yeah.
00:58:26Um, and if I don't get home before curfew, she's gonna be pissed.
00:58:33Look.
00:58:34I tried, okay?
00:58:35I'm sorry.
00:58:36Really?
00:58:36A barracuda?
00:58:38Scoop said you would pay me.
00:58:39Do you even know what a barracuda is?
00:58:41That's not the point, okay?
00:58:42They attack all the time.
00:58:43How much?
00:58:44Fifty bucks.
00:58:45Oh, my God.
00:58:46Yeah.
00:58:47Cause that's the price of my Justin Bieber tickets.
00:58:49They're a little scam artist, I'm sure.
00:58:51Whose mom gets eaten by a barracuda, really?
00:58:54It could happen.
00:58:55It could totally happen.
00:58:58Better be a snack, too.
00:59:03Doing your derby work.
00:59:04Come on.
00:59:07That's all I got.
00:59:09Here, take this.
00:59:11Take it.
00:59:11Get out of here.
00:59:13Dude, I don't do piggy banks.
00:59:20Thanks for the snack.
00:59:21Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.
00:59:24Well, I guess I'll just let myself out.
00:59:26Scoop.
00:59:37What was that?
00:59:39Crazy people, don't let crazy people in the house, man.
00:59:44She could've ex-murdered both of us.
00:59:46Tails, we break up.
00:59:47Heads, we stay together.
00:59:50Heads.
00:59:52We're together forever.
00:59:59How about best two out of three?
01:00:01Nope.
01:00:04I said no.
01:00:08It's heads.
01:00:09Shit.
01:00:11You are never getting that Coworking Junior rookie card.
01:00:14Never.
01:00:14Dude, chill out.
01:00:15No, I will not chill out, okay?
01:00:17You douchebag.
01:00:19Okay.
01:00:19Look, I heard about what happened last night.
01:00:22I'm sorry, okay?
01:00:24I'm sure that was gonna work.
01:00:25Yeah, and you owe me 50 bucks for that.
01:00:27Okay.
01:00:27You suck bitch.
01:00:28This is all just part of a trial and error.
01:00:31Now we know what doesn't work, and now we can figure out what does.
01:00:34Your schemes, I'm done with them.
01:00:36They don't work, okay?
01:00:37I'm giving up.
01:00:42I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:45You're really giving up?
01:00:49Guys like us don't give up.
01:00:51I mean, where would Middle Earth have been if Frodo and his friends just gave up?
01:00:55What sort of country would we live in if Jack Bauer didn't defend countless terrorist attacks on American soil?
01:01:01You can't give up, man.
01:01:03Because if you do all those crazy women running around who should be in mental institutions, but they're just so
01:01:11frickin' hot that they're just not, they're just gonna have another win.
01:01:18We gotta teach these crazy hot chicks a lesson.
01:01:20Amen.
01:01:21You gotta hang in there, man.
01:01:23I don't know what to do.
01:01:25Dude, okay, I got a plan.
01:01:28It's a little risky, but I think it'll work.
01:01:35Crazy bitches.
01:01:39Crazy bitches.
01:01:42Crazy bitches.
01:01:43Come on.
01:01:44Put your hand in there.
01:01:47Crazy bitches.
01:01:48Yes!
01:01:52Reverse psychology.
01:01:54Reverse psychology.
01:01:55It has to be like the worst proposal of all time.
01:01:58Genius.
01:01:59All time.
01:02:00Don't listen to them.
01:02:01Why not?
01:02:03Because.
01:02:03What if she says yes?
01:02:05She's not gonna say yes, cause it's gonna be a crap proposal.
01:02:08No.
01:02:09That's crazy.
01:02:10Look, why don't you just talk with her?
01:02:13Be honest.
01:02:13Tell her how you feel.
01:02:15That would be gay.
01:02:17Really gay.
01:02:19Yeah, you're right.
01:02:20What are you trying to make us gay with all your gay talk?
01:02:22You guys are being idiots.
01:02:24Stuff shop, this is Leona.
01:02:26I do.
01:02:37Can you untie this?
01:02:40Why?
01:02:42Cause I want you to take me.
01:02:46Take you where?
01:02:51No.
01:02:52Take my body.
01:02:56Can I just take you to the movies instead?
01:03:01No.
01:03:03What are you doing?
01:03:05I want to take your body.
01:03:06Take it just a little bit.
01:03:08No, it's my turn of the month.
01:03:10I can't do that.
01:03:11Come on you.
01:03:12Make me feel like a woman.
01:03:14I think we should break up.
01:03:16I think you should break up with me.
01:03:17Why would I want to do that?
01:03:18You're the greatest boyfriend ever.
01:03:20No thanks, but I don't want to be though for you.
01:03:23Little piggy, those are little kermit.
01:03:26Come on Kim, we're not compatible.
01:03:29Good and evil aren't supposed to mate.
01:03:31Answer me.
01:03:32Right now.
01:03:33No Kim, no.
01:03:35Why not?
01:03:37Because.
01:03:37Because what?
01:03:39Because, Kim, because we have to get married.
01:03:44Right?
01:03:45Right?
01:03:47Did you say married?
01:03:49Yeah.
01:03:50I did.
01:04:00Hi.
01:04:01Is Leona here?
01:04:03Leona.
01:04:06Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:04:08Yes.
01:04:10It's a beautiful day isn't it?
01:04:13Sure.
01:04:14In the neighborhood?
01:04:15I guess.
01:04:17Can I ask you a question?
01:04:20Yeah.
01:04:22How's it feel to be so old dating somebody so young?
01:04:26That huge age gap difference.
01:04:29It feels fine.
01:04:31Why?
01:04:32Age is just a number anyway.
01:04:36Okay.
01:04:37So have you found that being 60 and dating a 20 year old is better than being married, having
01:04:46kids, being loved?
01:04:48I'm 45.
01:04:51Besides I already did the whole family thing.
01:04:53Uh, it's my choice to date 20 year olds.
01:04:58And that's, that's a good thing?
01:05:01Yeah.
01:05:04I'm happy.
01:05:07Hey.
01:05:07Hey.
01:05:09Hey.
01:05:10Hey.
01:05:11Hey.
01:05:11We'll see you tonight.
01:05:12Tonight.
01:05:13Your engagement party.
01:05:16Oh yeah.
01:05:16That?
01:05:17No.
01:05:18Probably won't go to that.
01:05:19I was thinking about jumping off a bridge after work.
01:05:22Cry me a river, George Bailey.
01:05:25See you later.
01:05:26Yep.
01:05:27I'll leave you in my will.
01:05:31Kim.
01:05:33Kim.
01:05:36Look.
01:05:37I always knew this was going to happen.
01:05:39I just, I just thought it would be with somebody more attractive.
01:05:44You know what I look forward to?
01:05:46You waiting on me hand and foot.
01:05:48Like, I heard this like a log when you get married.
01:05:50That'll be fun.
01:05:52How do you feel about polygamy?
01:05:55We'll talk about it later.
01:05:57I'm going to try really, really hard not to cheat on you.
01:06:02That much.
01:06:04Not that much.
01:06:05Minimal.
01:06:06Minimal.
01:06:07So.
01:06:08Here we go.
01:06:09Kim.
01:06:10You can make me the happiest man.
01:06:13Kind of happy.
01:06:14Not really.
01:06:15In the world right now.
01:06:19By accepting my blah, blah, blah.
01:06:24Marriage proposal.
01:06:25Will you marry me?
01:06:27Stuff like that.
01:06:29All that crap.
01:06:30Whatever.
01:06:33Yes.
01:06:35I'm, what?
01:06:38I'll marry you.
01:06:39No, no.
01:06:40Hello.
01:06:41Hello.
01:06:41May I speak to Kim?
01:06:43This is Kim.
01:06:44How you doing, Kim?
01:06:45This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:47This is who?
01:06:48This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:50We have a friend of yours down here.
01:06:53Oh, okay.
01:06:54Alrighty.
01:06:54Yeah.
01:06:55Your friend James is here.
01:06:57James?
01:06:58Yes.
01:06:58He's not my friend.
01:07:00James is my fiancee.
01:07:01Hi, Kim.
01:07:02Right.
01:07:02Oh.
01:07:03See, I didn't know this.
01:07:04James is your fiancee.
01:07:05I forgot to mention that.
01:07:07Okay, well, I didn't know that you guys were engaged and that this was your fiancee, but
01:07:12he came down to the neighborhood.
01:07:13We were on air talking about relationships and he made sure he came in to tell us that
01:07:19he's no longer happy with the relationship.
01:07:22He doesn't want to marry you.
01:07:24Is this a joke?
01:07:25No, no, honey.
01:07:26This isn't a joke.
01:07:27He really had us call you to let you know that he's done.
01:07:31For real.
01:07:32I don't know who you guys are or who put you up to this.
01:07:35James is here.
01:07:36Kim.
01:07:37Kim.
01:07:38James is here.
01:07:38Say hello to her.
01:07:39Hello, Kim.
01:07:41Hi.
01:07:41Pardon me?
01:07:43What?
01:07:43No.
01:07:44He doesn't want you to call him honey anymore.
01:07:45I think he doesn't want you to be upset.
01:07:47Right.
01:07:47So why would I get upset?
01:07:49Because he got evicted from his apartment and begged to stay with me and so I let him
01:07:54and I cooked for him and cleaned for him and now he's calling me on the radio in front
01:07:59of everybody to say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
01:08:01But you know what?
01:08:02He still wants you to cook.
01:08:03Why would I be upset?
01:08:04He still wants you to cook and clean and he still want to stay on the couch.
01:08:06He just don't want to be engaged.
01:08:07He don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
01:08:09Roommate.
01:08:09That's mate.
01:08:10Yeah, roommate.
01:08:11Not mate.
01:08:11Exactly.
01:08:12Yeah, that's not going to work.
01:08:14Liz, are you there?
01:08:15Yeah, I'm here.
01:08:16You know, this is so typical.
01:08:17You know how you meet a guy and he pretends to be Prince Charming in the beginning.
01:08:22He's whining you.
01:08:23He's dining you.
01:08:24He's taking you out.
01:08:24Did you do that?
01:08:26Maybe a little bit.
01:08:26All of his money and then you find out in the end that it was all just, you know,
01:08:31it was pretend.
01:08:32He was faking it.
01:08:33Well, yeah.
01:08:34Who does that?
01:08:35Oh, James does that.
01:08:36And then now, you know.
01:08:37Well, you know what?
01:08:38Just in a nutshell, Kim, he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
01:08:42He wants it to be over.
01:08:44He still wants you to cook and clean for him.
01:08:47If possible, he would like to have the linen changed on the sofa tonight and he's done.
01:08:52She beats me.
01:08:53What?
01:08:54And he said he don't want you to be physical with him anymore.
01:08:56You know what the problem is?
01:08:58You know what the problem is?
01:08:58The problem is you.
01:08:59He's just afraid of intimacy.
01:09:00No.
01:09:00The problem is him.
01:09:02He's afraid of intimacy.
01:09:03And I listen to your show all the time.
01:09:04I see a really, really big fan.
01:09:06And just, if you don't mind me quoting you guys, it's just relationships are all about,
01:09:11you know, loving each other past your mistakes.
01:09:14And that's what, you know, I've tried to do.
01:09:16Like, I know I'm not perfect and he's not perfect, but he's told me he's got intimacy
01:09:20issues and I'm willing to love him past that.
01:09:22I don't have intimacy issues.
01:09:23All of that.
01:09:24Intimacy issues.
01:09:26Right.
01:09:28I mean, is it crazy to you that he's saying anything to kind of get out of this relationship?
01:09:31You know what I think is crazy is that he's just so afraid to be in love.
01:09:42You warned me.
01:09:43Why didn't I listen?
01:09:45Nobody listens.
01:09:47Everybody rushes.
01:09:51This old man River.
01:09:53Um, he dumped me.
01:09:56Yeah.
01:09:57He was like, um, you should find someone your own age.
01:10:01You should settle down, start a family, that kind of stuff.
01:10:05It was weird.
01:10:08Wow.
01:10:09What?
01:10:11All this time I didn't realize it was right in front of me until now.
01:10:15What are you talking about?
01:10:17Are you drunk?
01:10:19Oh, oh, God, James!
01:10:20Sorry.
01:10:21Oh, no.
01:10:23Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?
01:10:25I just kissed Leon.
01:10:26Oh, God.
01:10:26Dude, on the lips?
01:10:27Yeah.
01:10:27Dude, you know how many penises been on these bad boys, man?
01:10:30Shut up.
01:10:31Only two.
01:10:32Right.
01:10:32Stop.
01:10:33Right.
01:10:33Yeah, too many.
01:10:34Come on.
01:10:35What you thinking?
01:10:36Sorry.
01:10:36He tried the whole 80s movie, I'm really in love with my platonic girlfriend move.
01:10:40No.
01:10:41What is that?
01:10:42Uh.
01:10:42Yeah.
01:10:43Oh, God.
01:10:43What?
01:10:44I can't go through with this.
01:10:45I can't.
01:10:47Well, maybe you could run.
01:10:49She'll find me.
01:10:50Oh, too late.
01:10:50Here she comes.
01:10:53What are you doing out here?
01:10:54Everybody's inside.
01:10:57Hey, on the kiss me.
01:10:58Oh, God, oh, God.
01:10:58Kiss me.
01:10:59I'm gonna make it look real.
01:11:01Let me get in.
01:11:02Freaking freaks!
01:11:02I look believable.
01:11:04Don't push me.
01:11:04Oh, God.
01:11:07Me, too.
01:11:11Uh-uh.
01:11:12Stop.
01:11:12Stop.
01:11:13Stop.
01:11:14Really?
01:11:15I'm sorry.
01:11:17I'm sorry.
01:11:17I apologize.
01:11:19Kim, come here.
01:11:20You didn't even say sorry to me.
01:11:22I didn't know you were into that, baby.
01:11:24You should've told me.
01:11:24I'm not.
01:11:24No, I'm not into that.
01:11:26Kim, seriously.
01:11:26Stop.
01:11:28I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same things you want.
01:11:31Marriage, kids, true happiness.
01:11:33But you make me happy.
01:11:35Well, right now I might, but, like, in the long run, I won't.
01:11:39You don't know that.
01:11:40You're right.
01:11:40I don't, but, like, we want different things in life.
01:11:45That's okay.
01:11:46Differences are good.
01:11:47It gives us stuff to talk about, right?
01:11:48On the surface, yeah, maybe.
01:11:50But as a couple, not wanting the same things is bad.
01:11:54It can lead to unhappiness.
01:11:59So what do you want, James?
01:12:03Uh, I don't know.
01:12:05I just, I know that I don't want to be 60 and unhappy.
01:12:11Because that'll lead to unhappy breakfast and oatmeal shit in it.
01:12:21Well, can't we just work on it?
01:12:24I don't want to work on it.
01:12:26Wow, that sounded bad.
01:12:29Maybe I should have just told you all this in the beginning.
01:12:33Yeah, you should have.
01:12:35Sorry.
01:12:49Tails.
01:12:50What's that?
01:12:52What does that mean?
01:12:53It's over between us, James.
01:12:55Over.
01:12:58You are now, you, I'm gonna do this for you.
01:13:01You are now anointed a single man, James.
01:13:03And probably homeless, too.
01:13:04Can I say something?
01:13:05Yes.
01:13:05If I end up missing, uh, Kim is the one to arrest.
01:13:10Oh, okay.
01:13:10There it is.
01:13:11So if you come up missing, we'll make sure that Kim goes to jail.
01:13:14You're really scared of me.
01:13:15Don't change the door locks, love.
01:13:16He's coming home.
01:13:17Yeah, he's coming home.
01:13:17That's right.
01:13:18Make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together up for him.
01:13:20Yeah, buddy.
01:13:20So you can sleep on that couch.
01:13:21See you later, roomie.
01:13:22All right.
01:13:23It's a beautiful day in the name of a big boy's neighborhood.
01:13:27Seeing you with my daddy, the way we ate dinner like a family, it felt good.
01:13:32You haven't sex with my daughter.
01:13:34I haven't felt that way since my mom passed away.
01:13:36I do.
01:13:37Bump, bump.
01:13:38I do.
01:13:39Bump, bump.
01:13:40Bump, bump.
01:13:41I do.
01:13:47I do.
01:13:48Are you gonna go in or are you just gonna sit here?
01:13:50I do.
01:13:51I do.
01:13:53I just love you.
01:13:55You're so nice.
01:13:56I do.
01:13:58It's a chore day.
01:13:59Come on.
01:14:01It's a chore day.
01:14:03It's a chore day.
01:14:05It's a chore day.
01:14:06It's a chore day.
01:14:10Seriously, you're always joking.
01:14:12You're always joking, joking, joking, joking, joking.
01:14:22will be a solo day.
01:14:22I'll be the DJ.
01:14:26I'll be the DJ.
01:14:47You're right.
01:14:51My mother wasn't happy.
01:14:54And it's not because my father left her.
01:14:56It's because she didn't love herself.
01:15:00I can see how hard it was for my dad to live with that.
01:15:03And I don't want to be with someone who wasn't happy with himself.
01:15:09I know.
01:15:12What you said, telling me the truth no matter how much it hurt, it meant a lot.
01:15:20Thanks.
01:15:24I don't know.
01:15:24Sometimes I just worry about ending up alone, so I guess it makes me a little aggressive.
01:15:31A little?
01:15:33Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:15:37I'm sorry, too.
01:15:39Really sorry.
01:15:41Kind of sorry.
01:15:44I'm sorry.
01:15:44I'm sorry.
01:15:52So, where are you going to go?
01:15:56Uh, I would say Barcelona.
01:16:01But I can't afford that.
01:16:04You can sell your TV?
01:16:06That's not funny.
01:16:12I guess you can sleep on my couch until you find a place.
01:16:18Really?
01:16:20After all that?
01:16:22Don't make me flip the coin.
01:16:24No, I'm just saying.
01:16:26Are you sure?
01:16:26Because I don't want to impose...
01:16:29What are you doing?
01:16:29No!
01:16:33I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:37It's hard enough being alone
01:16:40To weather these storms
01:16:47I'm so sorry I let you down
01:16:51If only I knew the way
01:16:55To get ourselves out
01:17:02Are you being good?
01:17:04Or are you kind?
01:17:10I would wonder why we won't make the fight
01:17:15But remember, please
01:17:18We are lucky
01:17:27I don't know why I get so sad
01:17:31I guess it feels like I've gone mad
01:17:35And there's no escape
01:17:42I try and do just what I can
01:17:46To help my fellow man
01:17:49But it's not enough
01:17:56Are you blind good?
01:17:59Or are you kind?
01:18:04Are we one?
01:18:06Or are we one big goodbye?
01:18:08But remember, please
01:18:14We are lucky
01:18:18We're so lucky
01:18:33La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
01:18:40La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
01:18:42La, la, la, la, la, la, la
01:18:46We're so lucky
01:18:47Are you being good?
01:18:50Or are you kind?
01:18:55Are we one?
01:18:57Or are we one big goodbye?
01:19:01Remember, please
01:19:04I think we are the best
01:19:08We are lucky
01:19:08I could be a baby
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