- 2 days ago
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00:03We've received a request for humanitarian assistance.
00:06Millions of lives could depend upon us.
00:08I pray we arrive in time to help those poor beings.
00:12Setting new course, Captain.
00:14Remember, crew, we are the pride of Space Command on a mission of peace and...
00:20What just happened?
00:22An alien craft just cut us off.
00:24What the heck?
00:26Hey, learn how to drive, you morons!
00:30Captain, it could have just been an accident.
00:32Analysis says unknown ship is from the uncharted sector beyond our scans.
00:36Well, does the analysis and scans tell you why he's going so slow in the fast lane?
00:41This guy's an idiot!
00:43I hate him.
00:45Should I fire the electron cannons?
00:47Not yet.
00:48First, we're gonna crank up our forward lights too high.
00:53Time to blind this chump.
00:56Yeah!
00:58Okay, Captain, won't that escalate the situation?
01:01Oh, he's right.
01:03But I'm really mad!
01:05Flash this jerk!
01:06Flash!
01:07Yeah, do it again!
01:11Do it again!
01:11Flash him!
01:12That'll show him!
01:15Captain, I suggest we just go around them.
01:17Or over them.
01:19Or under them.
01:20We are in space, after all.
01:21Not until this clown learns how to drive.
01:26Aren't we on a humanitarian mission of peace and understanding?
01:31Hmm.
01:32You know, perhaps you're right.
01:34My emotions got the better of me.
01:36We are a beacon of hope.
01:38In a dark...
01:41He just brick-checked us!
01:45Oh, he's so dead!
01:46Give me those controls!
01:49What's this, you turkey?
01:52Alright, we're passing the ship!
01:54Good job, Captain!
01:55We're safe!
01:56Oh, yeah, we're safe!
01:57Safe to do this!
02:02Now we're cutting them off?
02:04Let's see how he likes it!
02:06Revenge!
02:07Brake-checking...
02:09Now!
02:10Now!
02:13Okay, status?
02:14Uh, our crew appears to be okay.
02:18Oh, who cares about that?
02:19That's not what I'm asking.
02:20Status on the moron behind us!
02:22It appears he's flashing his forward light, sir.
02:25He seems agitated.
02:29Sucker!
02:31Captain, with all due respect, what are you doing?
02:35Hey, we follow two rules on this starship.
02:38Number one, we're on a mission of peace throughout the galaxy.
02:42And number two, don't tick me off or I'll kill you.
02:48Should we fire some space missiles?
02:51Yes.
02:52Yes.
02:53Yes, we should.
02:54No!
02:55Captain, I strongly suggest we end this before someone gets hurt.
02:58Don't start something with me you can't finish, princess.
03:01Crew, ready our obscene gesture array.
03:06Uh, Captain, unfortunately, no such array exists.
03:11Really?
03:12Seriously?
03:13Ah!
03:14Why can't we have some cool stuff on the ship?
03:17Like an obscene gesture array?
03:19Or a soft-serve ice cream machine?
03:23Okay, I know.
03:24Roll down the window.
03:25I'm gonna chuck this space soda at him.
03:27What?
03:28Opening side window.
03:30Shut the door!
03:31Ah!
03:33Ah!
03:35Ah!
03:36Ah!
03:37Ah!
03:37Ah!
03:37Ah!
03:38Ah!
03:38Ah!
03:40Got him!
03:40Yeah, that'll show him.
03:42Ha-ha.
03:42That'll show him not to cut me off.
03:44Woo!
03:45Ah-ha.
03:46Captain, we're receiving an incoming message from an unidentified ship.
03:50Hello, my name is Kragborg.
03:53My alien wife is going into labor.
03:56That's why I was driving so erratically.
03:58Can anyone help us?
04:06Uh, yes. Sorry for the confusion.
04:09Uh, we can certainly help out, Kragborg.
04:13Sorry about that.
04:16Roger and out.
04:21You know what?
04:22The old pregnant alien wife trick?
04:25Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm not falling for it.
04:28Fire the cannons!
04:29No, no, no!
04:31I wanna run, I wanna run into the night.
04:35I wanna step inside, cause I know what we can do.
04:42Hey, hey!
04:45I wanna run into the night.
04:49I wanna step into a dream with you.
04:53I wanna run, I wanna run into the night.
04:56I wanna step inside, cause I know what we can do.
05:04Hey, would anyone mind if I took this last brownie?
05:07No.
05:07Oh, go for it.
05:08Alright.
05:08Thanks, guys.
05:13Hey.
05:21Hey.
05:24Hey, what happened here?
05:30Am I crazy?
05:31Cause, uh, was there a brownie here before and now it's not here?
05:37Oh, Clark just asked if anyone wanted it.
05:40Hmm.
05:41Huh.
05:42Okay.
05:43Alright.
05:44Uh.
05:46Hahaha.
05:47Okay.
05:49Hmm.
05:50Hmm.
05:51Good.
05:51Good.
05:52Good.
05:53Suspicious.
05:56Is it?
05:58Well, you wait until I go to the bathroom, and I'm past the point of no return, and then
06:05you divvy out the last brownie?
06:08That really bothers me, Clark.
06:11Sorry, did you want the last brownie?
06:14Oh, no, Clark.
06:15I'm just making a giant fuss, cause I'm such a difficult co-worker.
06:20I only had four brownies.
06:23I mean, why would I possibly think that I would have a fifth?
06:26You had four brownies today?
06:27I think it's a little odd to expect that you'd get to eat five of those brownies.
06:32Oh, really?
06:33So I can have five lunch breaks, but I can't have five brownies?
06:38Five lunches?
06:40Who approved five lunches?
06:41Eat your brownie, Clark.
06:44Every last crumb, it's gonna be the last thing you eat for a very long time.
06:52You can't talk to me like that.
06:53Yeah, Bryce, you can't threaten co-workers.
07:00Sorry.
07:05Hey, did anybody happen to see what happened with the water cooler?
07:09Like, we just got three fresh jugs delivered yesterday, and they're already empty.
07:13Let's just say my pet squid is very, very wet.
07:19With the drinking water from this office.
07:24You stole our drinking water? Don't you have a sink at home?
07:27No, no, the sink is broken. I don't want to talk about sinks. I don't want to talk about water.
07:31Okay?
07:32I'm not the one who ate the last brownie, Miss Piggy.
07:38Okay, Bryce, what is going on, man? You have never acted like this before.
07:44I'm sorry. I guess you're right. You see, when I was seven, my mother and father took me to the
07:53zoo.
07:54They brought along five brownies.
07:58One for each of us, and two for the gibbons.
08:02The gibbons? Like the tiny monkey?
08:04Don't interrupt me, Clark.
08:07Oh, I ate my treat like a good little piggy.
08:10And then I went to hand the gibbons their fair share.
08:16And they looked at me.
08:18They smiled, and they said,
08:20Thank you, Bryce.
08:24They did not.
08:25We love you, Bryce.
08:28Come, give us a hug.
08:30So I tried to hug the gibbons, and they pulled me through the bars.
08:35They pulled me into the cage.
08:36And I was left to rot in there for two whole minutes.
08:43Do you not get it?
08:45I never got a fifth brownie.
08:53Huh.
08:55So that's it, then?
08:57I'm fired?
09:01Because of what the gibbons did?
09:04Hmm.
09:05Okay.
09:05Fine.
09:06Clark, you got your brownie and bread.
09:10Next time you want to talk,
09:13maybe just consider shutting your mouth, okay?
09:16Excuse me.
09:19And guess what?
09:20I've been living in your crawl spaces for months.
09:23Cutting eye holes in all of your paintings.
09:26And looking through those eye holes with my eyes and darting them around.
09:32Lots of twisted stuff like that, but you know what?
09:36Don't you worry about me.
09:39No.
09:40I'm gonna be just fine because my dad invented airplane food.
09:45You keep in touch.
09:47You keep in touch.
09:47Have a great summer.
09:50And a happy new year.
10:04Oh, I had another plate of brownies the whole time.
10:07Look.
10:08I know!
10:11I know!
10:21Susan Mellon fights for all Americans,
10:24whether she's serving in the military or serving in the soup kitchen.
10:29Together, we can build a better future.
10:32I'm Susan Mellon, and I approve this message.
10:35Susan Mellon might have approved that ad,
10:37but she doesn't approve of affordable groceries and gas prices.
10:42I'm Jack Blinker, and I'm an American who shops at Walmart,
10:45just like you, or at least I was until I was kicked out
10:49and banned for life from the Walmart over on Main,
10:51thanks to Susan Mellon.
10:53Now, I never saw her at the Walmart on Main,
10:55but I have a gut feeling she was behind the whole thing.
10:58Pulling the strings, just like a Geppetto.
11:01Which would make me a Pinocchio.
11:03Except my nose grows when I tell the truth.
11:07She's putting on these little puppet shows,
11:09and she's using your taxpayer dollars.
11:12Susan Mellon doesn't believe in democracy.
11:14That became clear on January 6th,
11:17the day I was escorted out of the Walmart
11:19for dumping the $1 DVD bin onto the floor.
11:21Drake and Josh!
11:22Here's the deal. We all know this.
11:24There's good DVDs at the bottom of the pile,
11:25and they always put the junk on top,
11:27and they hide the good stuff underneath.
11:28This is how it works.
11:30And by they, I mean Susan.
11:32Ah-ha!
11:33Score!
11:34Hey, you there, stop!
11:35Crap!
11:36We know you hate America.
11:38You're just living here for the wide sidewalks.
11:41Put in a picture of some wide sidewalks.
11:43You don't want to live in Europe
11:45with crooked-y, skinny little cobblestone sidewalks.
11:48No!
11:49Susan Mellon doesn't care about the health of Americans.
11:53Ah-ha!
11:53I was lassoed, hog-tied,
11:55and dragged out of the store.
11:57This was a different day.
11:58It was the same store.
12:01Long story.
12:02I tried to smash through the glass container
12:04that was holding all the deodorant.
12:05Ah-ha!
12:06Why did, why does Susan put all the deodorant
12:09behind a glass wall?
12:10Is she that obsessed with my smell?
12:12Ah-ha!
12:12Enjoy it while it lasts, Susan.
12:15I will fix my smell.
12:17I fix my smell.
12:19I smell like America.
12:22I smell like freedom.
12:23Susan Mellon doesn't believe in love.
12:25Ah-ha!
12:26She made me forget my wedding anniversary.
12:28My wife didn't understand how Susan did it,
12:31and she got very angry with me.
12:33My wife is also named Susan,
12:34which just confuses things.
12:37My wife thinks it's her.
12:38I'm like, it's not you, babe.
12:39You're Susan Blinker.
12:40I'm sorry, baby.
12:41I'm sorry about the whole anniversary thing.
12:43I'm gonna make you a pie.
12:44I also told Susan Blinker
12:45that I had been hogtied by my political opponent.
12:48Susan!
12:49Susan Blinker just threw up her hands
12:50and was like, really, Jack?
12:52What, what is going on with you?
12:53What is going on with me?
12:54I'll tell you what's going on with me.
12:56Susan Mellon!
12:57I tried to confront Susan Mellon for her crimes,
13:00and she tried to make me kiss her,
13:02and that's the truth.
13:04You can't see it on the camera,
13:05but she grabbed me
13:06and pulled me right into her cheek
13:08for a big old smooch.
13:10She denies it,
13:11but who are you gonna believe?
13:12Me or Susan Mellon?
13:16This political ad was paid for by Jack Blinker.
13:19I'm Jack Blinker,
13:19and I'm not crazy.
13:31Do you think his goatee is bad?
13:33Wait till you see this.
13:35Oh, there it is.
13:37Dad had a handlebar mustache
13:38at your wedding?
13:39I almost didn't say I do.
13:42But I did,
13:43and now I'm very happy.
13:47Mom, what is this?
13:49I don't know.
13:54If you are watching this,
13:56then I must be dead.
13:58What?
13:59What's all the yelling about?
14:01Oh, no, no, no.
14:02No, turn it off.
14:02I made this tape
14:03to tell you all
14:04how much I love you
14:07forever
14:08because
14:10I am now dead.
14:12Oh.
14:13Leave it playing, Sethi.
14:14No, I think we should stop it.
14:16No, no.
14:16You know, to prevent spoilers.
14:18No, no, no.
14:18I need to set the record straight
14:21about something
14:22now that I am dead
14:23and will never, ever look
14:24any of you in the eyes
14:26ever again.
14:27Oh.
14:28I need to talk about
14:29the biggest mystery
14:30that has soiled
14:32our family's reputation
14:34and tarnished
14:35our legacy.
14:37Oh.
14:38Who broke the toilet?
14:42Hon, we always knew
14:43you broke it.
14:44No one ever suspected
14:46it was me.
14:47We all thought it was you.
14:49No one thought
14:49it was me ever,
14:51and I managed
14:52to convince everyone
14:53that a possum
14:54had snuck in,
14:56sat on the toilet,
14:58and broke it.
14:59No one believed that.
15:01Now, here's the bombshell.
15:03I was the possum.
15:06I broke the toilet
15:08with my significant haunches.
15:11Oh, my goodness.
15:12Okay, that's the end.
15:13There we go.
15:14There we go.
15:14That's the end.
15:15Shame.
15:16Too bad.
15:16It's all over.
15:16I can't believe
15:17you taped over
15:18our wedding for that.
15:20Well, I was supposed
15:20to be dead
15:21when you watched it.
15:22Whoa, look what I found.
15:25Madison's birth.
15:26Can we watch it?
15:27Sure.
15:29You're doing great, honey.
15:31Oh, I can't believe it.
15:32I'm going to be a dad.
15:33Part four.
15:34Oh, if you're watching this,
15:36I am dead.
15:37No, you didn't.
15:38My will.
15:39Ahem.
15:40I would like to leave
15:42two of my Ferraris
15:44to my wife.
15:45Also, my nicest Ferrari
15:48to my son, Seth.
15:50And the remaining
15:51six Ferraris,
15:52which are also quite nice,
15:54but not quite as nice
15:56as Seth's Ferrari
15:57to my daughter, Madison.
15:59I hope that these Ferraris
16:01can ease your grief.
16:06You're unbelievable.
16:08Yeah, unbelievably nice
16:11and generous.
16:12You get a Ferrari
16:13and you get a Ferrari
16:15and you get a Ferrari.
16:16You don't own a Ferrari.
16:19Well, I was planning
16:20on buying them
16:20before I died.
16:22With what money?
16:23You know what?
16:23You know what?
16:24Let's just, uh,
16:25let's watch a different one,
16:26shall we?
16:26Oh, look.
16:28First Christmas
16:29in the new house.
16:32Here.
16:33Here.
16:36Oh, Madison,
16:37look at you.
16:38Oh, she's so little.
16:39I'm dead, part 117.
16:42Oh, no.
16:42Spoiler alert.
16:44Janice murdered me.
16:47My sister?
16:48She never laughs
16:49at my jokes.
16:52She can't hear you.
16:54She's deaf in one ear.
16:55She is a stone-cold killer.
16:58Just fast forward.
16:59Quick, quick.
17:02And, uh,
17:03while I don't remember
17:04being bit,
17:05I would just put
17:06a wooden stake
17:07through my chest
17:08just to be safe.
17:10You never know.
17:13There's a vulpin hammer
17:14hanging on the wall
17:15in the garage.
17:16It's my favorite one.
17:16Use that.
17:18Oh!
17:20I would do that
17:21for every single one of you.
17:25Fast forward.
17:26Come on.
17:26Keep going.
17:27Keep going, Junior.
17:28Just know
17:28that I died happy.
17:30I had
17:31the best kids,
17:33the best wife
17:34a man could ask for.
17:36I love
17:37you
17:38all.
17:39Oh!
17:41I'm dead,
17:42part 435.
17:44Oh!
17:45Yes,
17:45your college funds
17:46were put into
17:47a controversial
17:47cryptocurrency
17:48I created
17:49called DadCoin.
17:51What?
17:52If that one is true,
17:53we're being foreclosed upon,
17:55we have to move out
17:56by Tuesday.
17:57Oh!
17:59I should have said I did.
18:07Dern thing
18:08gets so smudgy.
18:11Where am I?
18:13Oh,
18:13hi there.
18:14You must be
18:15Naomi.
18:17We're so excited
18:18to have you.
18:19Welcome
18:19to heaven.
18:21Heaven?
18:22Yes.
18:23I know,
18:23it's something of a shock
18:24to find yourself here,
18:25but fret not.
18:26Oh,
18:26it's a wonderful place
18:28to spend eternity.
18:29And of the two options,
18:30trust me,
18:31you're going to
18:31want to be here.
18:33Okay,
18:34so let me show you around.
18:36We've got 24-hour access
18:38to all the love
18:39and support
18:40you could possibly want.
18:42Okay?
18:43We've got a huge
18:44family parties,
18:46tons of ice cream,
18:47and oh!
18:48Hi!
18:49Oh, look.
18:50Yes.
18:51And of course,
18:52what would heaven be
18:53without man's best friend?
18:55Hey, buddy!
18:56That's fun.
18:56I like that.
18:57Yeah.
18:58It's fun.
18:59It's very,
19:01very fun.
19:03Now,
19:03if you look over here,
19:05it's kind of a snack shack,
19:07but it's open 24 hours.
19:08Oh, wow.
19:10It seems like
19:12there's a lot of dogs up here.
19:14Yeah.
19:15A lot of dogs.
19:17We've got
19:17one, two, three,
19:19four, five, six...
19:21every dog.
19:23Yeah.
19:24Every dog.
19:25Every single dog
19:25that has ever lived.
19:28487 trillion dogs
19:31in heaven.
19:32Isn't that crazy?
19:33Anyways,
19:34racquetball is right over here.
19:36You've got...
19:37487 trillion dogs?
19:39That's a lot.
19:41Yeah.
19:42You know that movie,
19:43All Dogs Go to Heaven?
19:45It turns out
19:46it's true.
19:49Shut up!
19:50No, quiet!
19:51Quiet, please.
19:52Quiet, shut up!
19:54Not you.
19:55Not you.
19:55You're adorable.
19:56Hi.
19:57Hi.
19:57Okay, and right over there
19:59you're going to see
19:59your mansion,
20:00but you're going to
20:01want to watch your step
20:02because the path
20:03is littered in,
20:04you know,
20:05um...
20:05Huh?
20:07Poop.
20:09Anyway.
20:10All right, all right.
20:11Clear.
20:11Come on.
20:12Oh, it's time for your massage!
20:13Please.
20:14Oh, wow.
20:15All right.
20:16Okay.
20:17Enjoy.
20:18Oh, okay.
20:19So peaceful, yes.
20:21Shut up!
20:23No!
20:24Shut up!
20:24Get out!
20:26Get out!
20:27Come here!
20:27Hey, come here!
20:28Come here!
20:28Oh, no, no, no, no!
20:30That's it!
20:31I'm getting the newspaper!
20:34Yeah, in heaven,
20:35we still do threaten
20:36to hit our dogs
20:36with newspapers.
20:38It's, uh...
20:39It's not perfect,
20:40but we're trying.
20:41Right?
20:43All right, thanks.
20:45Thanks, Kiri.
20:47Well, uh,
20:47before we get you
20:48to your mansion,
20:48I'm sure you've got
20:49a lot of questions,
20:50and, uh, this
20:52really should explain
20:54everything,
20:55this handy-dandy pamphlet.
20:56You see, right here,
20:57we...
20:57Ow!
20:57Ow!
20:58Ow!
20:59Ow!
20:59Ow!
20:59Oh, no!
21:00Don't bite it!
21:01No!
21:01Nein!
21:02Das los!
21:03Go!
21:03Oh!
21:05Oh!
21:07Oh, I'm sorry!
21:09I'm sorry, Daddy.
21:10Sorry.
21:11Here!
21:12Here!
21:13Let's catch!
21:13Here we go!
21:14Here we go!
21:15Nice!
21:15There you go!
21:18Oh, gosh.
21:20I'm so tired.
21:23You have no idea.
21:24This is...
21:25It's making my life a living.
21:27I'm not gonna say it.
21:30They bark all night long.
21:31It's...
21:32My eardrums...
21:33I ache.
21:35And a bunch of us
21:36are thinking about
21:36sneaking out
21:37and going over to the other...
21:39You're gonna love it here.
21:41You really are.
21:42On Tuesdays,
21:44we do a heaven-wide
21:44pickleball tournament.
21:46Um...
21:47Oh, no.
21:48It's the fetching hour!
21:58There's no need for cars here
22:01because you can fly
22:02and if you arrive single,
22:04we do a speed dating event
22:05every week.
22:07We're sure to meet
22:08someone special.
22:08That's pretty fun.
22:09and, uh...
22:11That's it.
22:12So, uh...
22:13Uh...
22:13Any other questions?
22:15No, I think I've got it.
22:16Okay.
22:17Oh, I forgot to ask, um...
22:19What was your profession
22:20back on Earth?
22:21Mail carrier.
22:26Run!
22:34Rainn Wilson, everybody!
22:47I love you, Susan.
22:49Thanks.
22:49This is a wonderful show.
22:50I'm so happy to be a part of it.
22:51What an amazing cast.
22:53Aren't they great?
22:53They stole our drinking water.
22:57No!
23:01Thank you so long, Utah.
23:03Love you.
23:04Whoo!
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