- 9 minutes ago
The Trades - Season 3 Episode 8 - Float Down
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Short filmTranscript
00:21You
00:22How's it going?
00:24Imperial Valley, let's go!
00:30Let's get those rigs tied!
00:31Vape sealed, lips greased
00:33I want all you beautiful bastards
00:35lubed up and ready to float
00:38for $1,400!
00:41Attention everybody!
00:42The Dew Bar is here
00:44for all your float needs
00:46liqueurs, SPF
00:4725 to 50
00:49Pepco, Beef Jerky
00:51Imodium if things go south
00:53Grandma if things go north
00:55You name it, Deuster's got it!
00:57The Proligal Son of Conquist
00:59Here!
01:02The man who is the man
01:03The man who is the man
01:04What can I get you?
01:06Today I'm the DF, the designated floater
01:09You know boys, this will be the first float down
01:11I've done sober, not shit-faced
01:13I might even remember this one
01:14It's your lucky day
01:16I have a fresh batch of my home-brewed non-alcoholic beer
01:19Oh, that's lazy
01:21Listen up!
01:25I am not your mom
01:27I'm off the clock
01:29So if you find your drunk ass
01:31face down in a lily pad somewhere
01:33that's between you and God
01:36Safety third, fuckers
01:39Toddler, you're looking too sober
01:41Got a little head stir
01:43Where the fuck is Backwoods?
01:46Where the fuck is Backwoods?
01:50Where the fuck is Backwoods?
01:55Oh shit!
01:56Oh fuck!
01:57You guys touching junk down there?
01:59Hi, Sherri-Ann
02:00No, we're just, um
02:02We're looking for coins
02:03In the grass
02:04Pretty sure that's not where coins go
02:07Meat's on the move
02:08Heads up!
02:09Meat is on the move
02:10Yes, sir
02:14Don't be a dirtbag
02:15Use the tongs
02:16Use the dirtbag
02:16They fell in the water, my dude
02:18Those things are crawling in duck shit
02:20Keep coming in
02:21God, I love getting banged up in the water
02:23Yeah, Todd, let's go
02:25No, no, no, no, no, no
02:29Taze, my boy
02:30It's a fucking masterpiece
02:31Hands down the first and the best four-man micro-brew float to ever float this river
02:36What's a frigate, man?
02:38It's a beer boat, bud
02:39It's a bit weird that Backwoods didn't even text me back
02:43Yeah, that is really weird
02:44Maybe he's... dead
02:48Jesus, that's where your mind goes first?
02:50Maybe he slept in
02:51I don't know
02:52Maybe it's a car crash or like a boating accident
02:54Or I don't know, like a crossbow misfire
02:56I don't know, Todd
02:58I'm brainstorming
02:59I'm quite drunk
03:00You stay hydrated, amigo
03:03You too
03:07I saw them making out near the canoes where I walked up
03:09Don't shit in your own nest
03:11Mostly lying for them is giving me fucking hives
03:14Party time!
03:15Let's go!
03:15What the fuck's that, Leonard?
03:16There's an art to brewing non-alcoholic beer that most laymen can't master
03:20Lucky laymen
03:21Knowing the precise moment to stop the fermentation process
03:24It's just short of...
03:26Flavor?
03:27It's like skanky kombucha
03:28With a hint of ass
03:29Leonard!
03:30I mean...
03:31Let's go!
03:31Alright, alright, alright
03:32Plug your nose in, Jackie
03:33Disgusting
03:34Don't got all afternoon...
03:35Please help you though, you gonna help me?
03:36No, you got it, you got it
03:37Maybe it's time you quit spying, kid
03:38Go build some sandcastles or something
03:40To steal some popsicles or whatever
03:42I'll tell my dad and everyone you are dry humping
03:44What?
03:45I'll scream it right now
03:46What is this shit?
03:48Unless...
03:48You gave me some candy
03:49Oh my god, this fucking kid
03:51Tell me about it
03:52What are we getting blackmailed by a child now?
03:53Yeah, the second time this month
03:55Listen, you little hustler
03:56I don't even know what we have
03:58Here, I've got Tums
03:59I've got some lint
04:00And I've got...
04:02A moist ciggy
04:04I'll take the dart
04:07Ruthless
04:08Don't smoke
04:09Your father's taught you well
04:11I got a ciggy
04:13Sucker
04:13What the fuck are we gonna do?
04:15Well, I'm very flattered that Corn Pulse is thinking of me
04:19And you're okay with the terms?
04:20Oh, the terms are great
04:22Frankly, there's no other VP candidate with your kind of experience
04:25We need to fill the position ASAP
04:29Are you kidding me?
04:30Oh, she just doesn't stop
04:32Chelsea? Are you still there?
04:34Oh my god
04:35Chelsea
04:37Sickled bitch
04:37Hello, Chelsea
04:38Punt your face into the sun
04:40Sorry, what?
04:41Uh, nothing
04:42I was talking to a...
04:44Seagull
04:45I hate them
04:46Okay
04:46So do I
04:48Right?
04:48So, your answer is?
04:53I will let you know by the end of the day
04:57Thanks, Donnie
04:59Oh, mighty river
05:01Slow and wide
05:03We come to you
05:04Drunk and fried
05:06And as we float together in a drunken dream
05:08Remember
05:09Puke ends up
05:11Down the street
05:12That's right, bud
05:13I'm looking at you there
05:14Let's not have a repeat of last year
05:16Now, normally backwards would lead to shotgun start
05:19But apparently you had something better to fucking do today
05:21So
05:22Taser has kindly stepped in
05:26Alright
05:29Let the weed hit hard
05:31And your vapes not sink
05:32Yes
05:33May nobody drown
05:34We're trying to, um
05:37Float?
05:38Drink
05:38Ah, fuck it
05:40Beer's at the ready
05:41Yeah
05:43Let's fucking go
05:48Let's go
05:48Let's go
05:49Let's go
05:50Take your ass on the water
05:51Pick up, everyone
05:52Get the fuck out on the river
05:55Ha ha
05:56Ha ha
05:58Woo
06:00Get fresh in
06:01Get it up
06:04Hey Steph
06:05Where the fuck is Odds?
06:06I haven't seen her since we got here
06:08It's weird she's not out on the water, no?
06:09Yup
06:09Uh
06:11She's, uh, totally
06:12I
06:14She's
06:15Sorry
06:16Where the fuck is she?
06:17Sorry Todd, just pissing
06:19Can't speak and leak at the same time
06:21Wow
06:21You guys got it set up already?
06:23Yeah
06:23We don't kid around when it comes to drinking
06:25Not for float down
06:26Not for float down
06:27Not for float down
06:27There you go
06:28Yoinks
06:29Aw, thanks Conky
06:32You don't talk much, do you?
06:33Yeah, I know
06:34But he drinks
06:35A lot
06:36Like more than us
06:36Yeah
06:40Hey
06:42Hola
06:43Mind if I park here?
06:44I'm gonna be close to the bar
06:45Nope
06:46It's wide open
06:47Your usual
06:47Thank you
06:50You don't float?
06:51Well, someone's gotta supervise
06:52Plus
06:53I know what's in that river
06:54Rusty lawn chairs and mercury?
06:56Oh, too soon Rod
06:58Too soon
06:59Thank you
07:01Fuck
07:03She won't leave me alone
07:04Who's that?
07:06Jen Conk
07:07She has no boundaries
07:08You don't need that shit
07:10She's lucky to have you
07:13Come on Homer
07:14Come on
07:15Do it
07:15I said I wouldn't do it anymore
07:16Do it
07:17Do it
07:18Do it
07:18Do it
07:18Do it
07:19Do it
07:19Do it
07:19Do it
07:20Do it
07:26Yeah, how's it going with her?
07:27Did she take your house yet?
07:28Nah, we're fine
07:29Not planning on a second or third wife there, Taze
07:31Working on the fourth, buddy
07:32Wait, what did he say?
07:34Nah, you wouldn't get her
07:35I know a beeswax back there
07:36This current's brutal
07:37I'm drifting
07:38It's your float, man
07:39Look like Jacques Cousteau fucked a filing cabinet
07:42Yeah, some of us didn't get the nod this year to join the boyfriend's bar
07:45Whoa, hey
07:46Make it easy
07:46It's your loss
07:48I float solo
07:48A lone wolf
07:50You're not gonna float at all on that piece of shit, dude
07:52Never mind
07:53I gotta go throw a quick wizard in the bushes
07:55That's where you are
07:56You're in a river for God's sake
07:57Fits have to drink this water
07:59It's disrespectful
08:02A toast to you, my colleague
08:04Commendable job navigating sobriety
08:07Delish
08:07You know, it's got the mouthfeel of actual beer
08:10Haha, good memories
08:11Your approval means the world to me
08:13You know, a lot of this, uh, NA stuff tastes like hospice
08:16But you, Leonard, are lord of the lager
08:18Funny you say that?
08:20Just thinking of trying to celebrate online
08:21I'm in, I'll be your silent partner
08:23We'll be booze barons, uh, like, uh, I'll be George Clooney and you can be, uh
08:27Shit, the other guy?
08:29Yes
08:30You will be the other guy
08:33Top up time
08:34Oh
08:35Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha
08:38I could float away forever
08:39Nobody would know what to do
08:41He was missing
08:44Ow!
08:46My leg!
08:47Son of a forelock!
08:52I'm stuck!
08:57Help!
08:59Anyone!
09:01Homer!
09:03Taser!
09:07Step mommy!
09:08You know, you guys could be a little nicer to him
09:11Do we?
09:12He knows we're just giving him the gears
09:14He likes it, man
09:15All I'm saying is that he's been around a lot longer than I have and you let me on the
09:20barge
09:20I mean, it feels a little, I don't know
09:24A little clicky?
09:26Is that another word for bullying?
09:27Are we the mean girls of conk?
09:30Wicked!
09:31I'll be Lohan!
09:32When a few of the other apprentices asked to join the float, you guys literally said, are they float material?
09:37Okay, no, no, no, no, no, we have standards, okay?
09:39This isn't a soup pot, it's a stew
09:41You either bring the spice or you get skimmed off
09:42It's not personal, we're selective
09:44This isn't intramural soccer, not everyone gets to play
09:46Totally, man
09:48Oh my fucking god, who am I?
09:51You're Homer
09:52Fuck, where's Dewey?
09:54He's my shooter girl
09:55Taser's thirsty
09:56Come on, float down!
09:58Yeah!
09:59Yeah!
10:00Get first of all!
10:02Yeah!
10:03Yeah!
10:05Yeah!
10:06Yeah!
10:07What's up, Sharky?
10:08Woo!
10:10Yeah!
10:11Keep your pace, people!
10:13Let the river take us
10:14Woo!
10:15Woo!
10:17One
10:18Two
10:20You got a light?
10:23Help me
10:24What's in it for me?
10:26Sure
10:27Are you smoking?
10:29Don't make me parent you in front of everyone
10:32I saw Backwoods and Audrey making out under the canoes
10:36They were using their tongues
10:37I got a little tattletale
10:39You punk!
10:40This is after I paid her off
10:41Oh hey guys, hey, I was just peeing
10:44Me too
10:44Yeah
10:45Urinating
10:46Just pee
10:48Separately pee
10:48What?
10:49In the fuck, my fuck?
10:51Rusty!
10:52Yeah, I hate to break it to you totter
10:54But Backwoods and your sister have been banging
10:56What?
10:57Shut up Homer, you rat!
10:58A lot
10:58For how long?
10:59Long time?
11:00You're a total idiot
11:01Yep
11:01Who knew about this?
11:03I did
11:04Me
11:04We did
11:05I think pretty much everybody
11:07Jesus
11:08We all did, yeah
11:08They all knew?
11:09Who didn't?
11:10Over here, bud
11:12That checks out
11:12Totally
11:13So you all lied
11:14Right to my face
11:15What kind of people are you?
11:16The whole crew's been taking bets on it
11:18You're the underdog
11:19Todd, sweetie
11:20Can I get you a drink?
11:21Actually, he probably doesn't need another one
11:23Uh oh
11:24Red alert, red alert, red alert
11:25He's right pissed
11:26Betrayal!
11:27That's what this is
11:28An absolute fucking betrayal
11:30You two stay right where you are
11:31Fucking chill
11:32No
11:32Todd, thank you
11:33Okay now, Todd
11:33Have a little drink
11:35No, give him some weed
11:36Go to my way
11:37Todd!
11:38Well, I think we missed our chance to tell him ourselves
11:40Maybe we should just tell him now
11:42I'm ready
11:42Backwards, he fucking knows
11:43He's no he knows
11:44Fucking running
11:45Fucking train
11:46Fucking go, Todd
11:47Fucking go
11:47Okay, okay, okay
11:49I'm coming for you, you slutty piece of rabbit shit
11:51You broke the bro code, bro
11:59What are you doing?
12:01Uh oh
12:02I just didn't know no with my thumb thumbs
12:04What?
12:05I just said the entire board conquer
12:07Pick of uh
12:08El Presidente
12:10Matty, if I didn't know any better
12:11I'd think you were wasted
12:16We're falling behind
12:17Hurry up
12:17Roll, roll, roll, roll
12:18Let's go
12:19We were gonna doubt you, I swear
12:20Yeah, but you fucking did, did ya?
12:22I hope you fucking drowned
12:23I'm sorry
12:24I think I broke my big coat
12:25Good
12:25I'm gonna fucking break the other knife
12:27Stop running around like a scary bitch ass pussy dick
12:30Lot of words in that insult
12:32Todd, I think I love her
12:33What?
12:34You love me?
12:35Oh
12:36I thought we were just fucking you love me now?
12:39Jesus
12:39Dude
12:41I'm just gonna say the word fucking
12:42I think I just threw up in my mouth
12:44Fuck off
12:44Fuck now
12:45Honky, get the fuck out of the way!
12:47You're ruining my butt!
12:49Oh, no, no, no!
12:51Oh, no, no, no!
12:53Stop running away!
12:56Paddle me over there!
12:57No one is the boss of me, Toadstool.
12:59Actually, I am your goddamn boss.
13:02Jesus!
13:03Get back over here, Pattinson!
13:05That's your fucking head!
13:07Get over here! You're nuts!
13:09Look out at me!
13:10Best best don't lie but who they're teeing off of, butt!
13:13We were gonna tell you!
13:14You're not the easiest guy to talk to!
13:16Bullshit! I'm perfectly easy to fucking talk to!
13:18No, you're not. That's true, bud.
13:20We don't do emotions! We do beers, gongs,
13:23and that's fucking it!
13:24Boys, let the fuck go!
13:25Fuck off, Cricket! Let me out!
13:27Come on, it'll be fun!
13:29Come on!
13:32Sorry, my bad!
13:34Un-fucking-believable!
13:36My face!
13:38Put my face!
13:39Uh-oh!
13:40I think I'm just about to do a no-no!
13:46Oh, my God, man!
13:48And he's got his ass off!
13:51Asshole!
13:51Oh!
13:52That caught my baby!
13:53What are you figgins?
13:54That's my sister!
13:55Ah! Not his face!
13:57Save yourself!
13:58You're fucking stomping!
13:59Stupid bitch!
14:01Oh, there you go!
14:02Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
14:04Oh, my God!
14:05That caught my child!
14:06That's an unbelievable liar, man!
14:08Who wants to count up with me?
14:14What's up with Medi?
14:16Sunstroke?
14:17Medi's down!
14:17Call the medic!
14:19Medi!
14:19Oh, shit.
14:20Bev, are you drunk?
14:22Not even aglow.
14:25Oh, no.
14:26What?
14:28Oh, shit!
14:30Oh, God, do your worst.
14:32I don't care.
14:32I can't fucking move.
14:33That was awesome.
14:34That's good.
14:35Dewey would've liked that one.
14:36Ha-ha!
14:37Dewey!
14:38Where's Dewey?
14:40Dewey!
14:40Here!
14:40Come on!
14:41Looks like we made the right choice staying on land.
14:42No kidding.
14:44I'd better go see if they broke anything.
14:46Hey, where are you?
14:50Well, well, well.
14:52There you are.
14:54You done?
14:55Oh, fuck!
14:56Why is everyone hearing me?
14:58Stop it!
14:58Ow!
14:59That's for making our drama everybody else's problem.
15:01What the fuck was that about?
15:02Dude, huh?
15:03You two fighting because he likes Harvest, she likes him?
15:05You knew?
15:06Oh, every fucking buddy knows about Oddwood.
15:08You gotta be a fucking moron not to know.
15:10What?
15:10That's nice.
15:11There's even a name for it.
15:12Your family?
15:13Family doesn't handle shit like this.
15:14He lied to me.
15:16She lied to me.
15:17There's a lot of fucking lies flying around.
15:19So what?
15:20I pretended to have shingles for a week to avoid telling your mom I lost the house at
15:23a casino.
15:24We move on.
15:25Like we did.
15:26We all moved on to that house where I had to replace the shingles.
15:28Holy shit, this is full circle, isn't it?
15:30That's what happened to our house growing up?
15:32Todd, the point is...
15:33So what?
15:35Oh...
15:35No more casinos, Dad.
15:37Yeah, I'm sorry.
15:38How did you even find me?
15:40You realize this is my day off.
15:42So I have you on the Find My Coworker app, just in case I need to track any of my
15:47minions?
15:47That crosses so many lines.
15:50Personal, legal...
15:51I don't even know where to start.
15:52A lady as powerful as moi just doesn't have the time to play hide and seek, Chels.
15:57You don't have power, Jen.
15:58You inherited it like a spoiled kid with daddy's credit card.
16:02Oh, honey.
16:03I am the bank.
16:04And with daddy gone, I get to choose the favorite and guess what?
16:08I choose me.
16:09I'm done with you.
16:10I'm done with you.
16:11You narcissistic twat.
16:13And guess what?
16:16I quit.
16:18I feel like I just took a big shit.
16:20I want something stronger.
16:22Anybody have any tequila?
16:23Where are you, buddy?
16:25You can come on the bar!
16:26I won't let you be Lindsay Lohan.
16:27It's over, buddy!
16:28Dewey!
16:29Dewey!
16:29Come on, man.
16:31Dewey!
16:31Dewey!
16:32Oh.
16:32Oh, no.
16:34False alarm.
16:34That's just Konky getting his tongue work out.
16:36Oh, buddy.
16:37Hey, Konky!
16:38Don't mind us.
16:39Let's go, Konky.
16:41Whoa.
16:42You're still here.
16:44Please, little girl.
16:46Help me.
16:47Dewey!
16:48Hey, buddy.
16:49Where you at?
16:50I'm here.
16:51Dad!
16:52I got eyes on him.
16:54He's in bad shape, but he's alive.
16:56Good work, daughter!
16:57Dewey!
16:58Wait twice!
16:59Do you still want to party?
17:00Let's go, boys.
17:01Let's go.
17:01Careful.
17:01Let me scratch our eyes.
17:05He said yes!
17:07He said yes, Taser!
17:09I'm coming for you, Dewey.
17:09Careful.
17:10Get him out of here.
17:11Get him out.
17:12You came back for me.
17:13Let's get to a tank.
17:14I got you.
17:17So I guess there's a small chance
17:19that I may have overreacted a little bit.
17:21Yeah.
17:22A lot of beers.
17:23A snap, man.
17:24I was seeing red.
17:25I mean, it's...
17:25It's fucking weird.
17:27Right.
17:27Kind of like your best friend's date
17:29and your sister weird.
17:30Pretty much exactly that.
17:31And it's just so graphic in my head.
17:33We just didn't know how to tell you.
17:35You don't need my blessing,
17:36and I don't know, if I can stop picturing it,
17:37maybe I'll be okay.
17:39Nope.
17:39Just saw it again.
17:40Fuck!
17:41It's a good picture.
17:42Okay, well, maybe this is just as good a time as any
17:44to tell you that I'm...
17:46You're not fucking pregnant.
17:47What?
17:48I need my own space.
17:50Oh, okay.
17:52I don't know.
17:52Maybe it's time for you to start sharing that hot tub
17:54with someone that you're not related to.
17:56I think we're ready for both of us to switch things up a bit.
18:00Hmm.
18:01Whoa, boss.
18:01Great.
18:02Stop following me!
18:03I'll pay you more.
18:04Oh, Corn Pulse is tripling my salary.
18:06Yeah, I'll double it.
18:07I'm done.
18:08Wait.
18:09You're leaving, Chelsea?
18:11No, no, no, not yet.
18:12Chelsea!
18:12What?
18:13You can't.
18:15Chelsea, boss, lady, leave.
18:17I love you guys, but it's time.
18:20I'm gonna call Donny and let him know I accept Corn Pulse's
18:23offer for VP.
18:24Donny!
18:25Don't leave us!
18:26Donny!
18:26You know what?
18:27I have had enough of this!
18:29Ow!
18:31Jesus!
18:32Well, that was a conch phone, so...
18:33Worth it!
18:34What?
18:34You corporate!
18:35Judas!
18:36You were my sister!
18:38My right-hand lady and, like, the only person who knew all my computer passwords.
18:43I know all your passwords, Janet.
18:44Not now, Janet!
18:45Well, consider this my two weeks' notice.
18:48Consider this my offer to pay for all your future plastic surgery needs.
18:53What?
18:54I know a great boob guy in Tulum.
18:55I can get you on a plane tonight and have you perky by brunch!
18:57How did your head get so far up your ass that you think new titties is what I'd want?
19:01Everyone loves new titties.
19:02What am I right here?
19:03I mean, that's...
19:04Fuck me!
19:05You should take the deal.
19:06Todd will be a great replacement for site manager.
19:08Fuck that, Chelsea.
19:10You run our refinery.
19:11Yeah.
19:11You're more of a conch than she'll ever be.
19:14Ooh.
19:14You earned it.
19:14You worked your bag off to get where you are.
19:16You're not some idiot that had it handed to her.
19:18Oh, cool!
19:19Let's get the back!
19:20Got it!
19:21That is a lovely bag.
19:22Come on, Chels.
19:24Cheers.
19:25You know, Chels, you're right about one thing.
19:28The site manager's office should have a stool nameplate.
19:32Damn straight!
19:32Don't find me, Todd!
19:34You!
19:34Audrey Stuhl.
19:36Hmm?
19:37Who?
19:38Huh?
19:39You've just been officially promoted.
19:41Congratulations.
19:42Whoa!
19:43Hold on a sec.
19:44Wait.
19:44What?
19:45I just got my union card.
19:47Boom.
19:48And now your management girl.
19:49Wow.
19:50That is so fucked up.
19:51Yeah.
19:51Could she actually do that?
19:52Isn't it amazing, Todd?
19:54How fast you can climb that conch ladder when you don't insult the owner.
19:59Effective immediately.
20:00Audrey Stuhl is our brand new site manager.
20:03Let's go, Janet.
20:06Janet!
20:06What the hell?
20:08Hot sisters?
20:09Hot boss?
20:12Congrats, I guess.
20:14Hey, no offense, but Audrey?
20:16What the fuck is happening right now?
20:21Oh, dummy troubles.
20:22Walk!
20:23Get it out.
20:26Must have been something I ate.
20:28Now sip a little more near beer?
20:30Dandelion and goji have restorative properties.
20:38Leonard, if it wasn't for your friendship, I'd be right back on the sauce.
20:43I'd probably be bent over a picnic table, puking my gut.
20:47Leonard, get him.
20:49You took our real beer by accident.
20:51Full of actual alcohol?
20:52Yeah, this is your stupid near beer.
20:54That's why I'm stone cold sober and not the one making out with Conky.
20:57What?
20:58Fuck.
20:58Oh, no.
20:59To my esteemed Conk board of directors in regard to the earlier image of my penis.
21:07It was a private medical image intended for my urologist.
21:13A routine mold check.
21:14Turns out my doctor's email is shockingly close to all of yours.
21:23Time to move on, huh?
21:25Forgive and forget.
21:26And speaking of hard to forget.
21:31My penis!
21:32Wait.
21:33My glorious penis!
21:35Stop it!
21:36Stop it!
21:36Stop it!
21:37Stop it!
21:38Stop it!
21:39Stop it!
21:40Stop it!
21:42Get away, Betty!
22:03Stop it!
22:22Hey, Chelsea, this is Donnie from Corn Falls, I'm just checking in.
22:26Hello?
22:28Hello?
22:29Chelsea?
22:31Chelsea, waiting.
22:34I'll be in school, I'm blue.
22:39Heartache gone, heartache.
22:44Who is gonna be, who would be the first to dance?
22:48Who is gonna be, who would be the first to kiss?
22:55Patio lanterns.
22:56What the days?
23:01That's all.
23:03What the night?
23:06What the night?
23:09What the night?
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