- 3 hours ago
Rivals. S02 - E03
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02Tonight we peek behind the curtains and pull back the bedsheets to reveal the truth about Rupert Campbell Black.
00:09On the night before he asks voters to elect him Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
00:15we ask how a man like this gains a free pass to the highest offices in the land.
00:20Rupert Campbell Black, showjumper and showman, charlatan and conman.
00:25Catapulted into a safe seat, he now enjoys an unusually close relationship with the president.
00:30Well, this is news.
00:31Who created the role of Minister for Sport, especially for him.
00:34Tony said we were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:37Scandalous and hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives,
00:42including our very own Sarah Stratton, recently married to MP Paul Stratton, and Amanda.
00:48The wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton.
00:50Secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:57Oh, Christ.
01:00So, Melody Hamilton.
01:01Do you know she used to get me to spank her?
01:03Call the hairbrush.
01:04Daddy.
01:06God, pity.
01:07Earlier, I interviewed a woman who was a participant at a group sex session in a Soho art studio.
01:13What's happening?
01:14In the mid-60s.
01:15Roll the tape.
01:16Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
01:20A number of rock stars.
01:21Hmm.
01:21At least one of them was in the Stones.
01:24A couple of footballers.
01:25The American actor, Johnny, Johnny Friedlander.
01:28Yes.
01:29And Rupert Campbell Black.
01:31You don't forget that silky voice.
01:33Hmm.
01:33And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex?
01:37Enthusiastically.
01:38No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:40And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS, was anyone there using protection?
01:46Protection.
01:48We were all high as kites.
01:50I've always said, Fred, Fred.
01:52Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:54And this sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings by his ex-wife, Helen.
02:00I'm not talking about him, okay?
02:01Please get off my driveway.
02:02Can I ask a woman?
02:03Get off my driveway.
02:04Mrs. Gordon.
02:05Oh, my God.
02:06Mrs. Gordon.
02:08I think that's no comment.
02:10Helen Gordon, previously Helen Campbell Black, was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black
02:14and his show-jumping teammates while on holiday in Kenya.
02:17What's a foursome?
02:18What are you doing out of bed?
02:20Plus, we can now reveal some uncomfortable...
02:22It is another word for a quartet.
02:26At the same time as seducing Carinium's former controller of programs, Cameron Cook,
02:32Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
02:34beginning a relationship with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha,
02:37a girl 17 years his junior.
02:39For fuck's sake.
02:40Begging the question, what sort of a man preys upon the young daughter of his colleague and friend?
02:46So, what does the Prime Minister think of the politician
02:49once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:52Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office was available to comment.
02:55But Campbell Black doesn't seem to return her regard in this recording from 1985.
03:01Well, Kane.
03:02You know why they call her Milk Snatcher?
03:04It's not taking dairy products from kids.
03:06It's because she's got a milky sna-
03:10With the polls opening in 10 hours,
03:12we ask,
03:13how can a pervert and sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell Black
03:16be allowed to represent the fine people of Great Britain?
03:22FUuuck!
03:24FUUCK!
03:25FUUCK!
03:29FUUCK!
03:32FUUCK!
03:34FUUCK!
03:35FUUCK!
03:36Oh, oh, oh, oh
04:07Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
04:40Oh, oh, oh, oh
04:41Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
04:46Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
05:15Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ohForm
05:17Good morning, everyone. Happy election day. Don't look too disappointed.
05:20Any comments on Uncensored last night?
05:24Morning.
05:27Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances today. No reference to the broadcast. Everything pointed towards
05:33getting out a vote.
05:35How's he doing?
05:36I tried to call, but...
05:37See for yourself.
05:38As the country heads to the polls today for the general election,
05:42the question on everyone's lips isn't whether or not
05:44Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government can hold on to power,
05:48but how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back
05:51from such a destructive expose?
05:57Has he been drinking all morning?
05:59He's been drinking all night.
06:01He hasn't been to bed.
06:02But it's election day.
06:03Yep.
06:05Can you persuade him to stop?
06:08Really?
06:13I'm going to call Helen again.
06:14Oh, he's been trying out all morning.
06:16She's going to go full midair on me after this.
06:34Yeah.
06:36Yeah.
06:47Rupert, please.
06:48Minister, any comment that I'm censored last night?
06:50With me, sir.
06:51Any comment that I'm censored last night?
06:53With me, sir.
06:53Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
07:00Don't forget to vote.
07:11I'm going to pick up Caitlin from school.
07:31All right.
07:36Is this journalism her daddy?
07:39Destroying people's private lives?
07:40I mean, the things she said about him.
07:42BC is not the brilliant journalist she thinks she is.
07:46God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
07:51What does it mean for Ventra?
07:54Don't know, love.
07:56Don't know.
08:00I'm disappointed, Tony.
08:02You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
08:05We're a partnership, a unit, and we're strong.
08:08And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
08:11I know you and Rupert have your differences, but his poor wife and children.
08:16Who's that?
08:17That's your present.
08:28Oh, Tony.
08:30Happy anniversary, Tony.
08:32Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
08:34I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
08:38You always say they look like rats in ball gowns.
08:41The Falkenry has been without peacocks since you were a deb.
08:44It's taken me far too long to set him right.
08:46Mummy would be thrilled.
08:48No.
08:49Well, you need to be careful not to speed up the drive later night.
08:53I haven't got you anything yet.
08:56Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
08:59I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
09:01You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen on the day of the general election?
09:04Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
09:07We'll spend the evening together.
09:09It'll be good.
09:12Well, you know how I love the theater.
09:24Vroom, vroom.
09:26You're beautiful, guys.
09:29Helen!
09:30Helen, open the door!
09:33You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
09:36Helen, I swear to God, I'll break this down!
09:39Stand down!
09:42Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
09:47Please.
09:48Helen's at school with Tabitha.
09:51I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
09:56You're not running in the father's race.
09:58I don't qualify.
10:03You haven't been to bed, have you?
10:05You know what?
10:05I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Malise.
10:08Fuck you!
10:08Fuck Helen!
10:09I need to see my children!
10:11I'm their father!
10:12Have you forgotten what that's like?
10:28Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
10:31Mother, you need to sober up.
10:39How come you didn't know what he was planning?
10:40I can't manage Mother by myself anymore.
10:43I've been off work moving her into a home.
10:46Tony has been so kind.
10:48He told me to take off all the time that I needed, even when we had an episode of Uncensored
10:52to prep.
10:52Kind or strategic?
10:54I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
10:58We need to get you back to work.
11:00Find out what Tony's doing next.
11:01But he's got what he wants.
11:03Rupert's on his knees.
11:04That'll never be enough for Tony.
11:07He'll be coming for the rest of us.
11:11Do you think so?
11:12What do you mean?
11:15Fiendish of you to have a tape record running to bed the whole time.
11:18Oh, it's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
11:23What can I say?
11:24You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
11:28Oh, we aim to please.
11:29You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
11:32As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
11:34You're a public toilet.
11:37I don't think it was a bit cruel.
11:39You don't know what he did to me?
11:41Proportionate response, Joyce.
11:42Good night's work, everyone.
11:44On we go.
11:49Are you hungry?
11:51A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
11:55I could murder a martini and a bloody steak.
11:59I know a little hotel.
12:03Very discreet.
12:05We'd be back in plenty of time for the election special.
12:09What an enticing offer.
12:11Hmm.
12:12I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
12:23That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
12:30Elegantly handled.
12:31It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
12:37All right, quiet down, everyone.
12:40I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
12:46Let's make this an orderly discussion.
12:48I know how these things can get emotional.
12:50So, Declan?
12:52Thank you, Freddie.
12:55So, bad news first.
12:57The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
13:00Uh, what?
13:01They can't be tainted by association.
13:04Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise bit.
13:09Is anyone else going to say it?
13:12Rupert should resign from the board.
13:14No.
13:15Now, hold on a minute.
13:15The IBA is run by a woman.
13:17And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
13:21were very hard to stand.
13:23They were private comments.
13:24He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
13:26She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
13:29It was her thing.
13:30If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
13:34As a group, what values do we stand for?
13:38All right, come on.
13:43Easy there.
13:44Easy.
13:46So, we'll go in the order they're called.
13:48James, James.
13:49Hmm?
13:49Probably Cockchester first.
13:51Then Rutminster.
13:51Rutminster, Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley.
13:54Big swing for the Tories.
13:55We have Beattie Johnson presenting the show.
13:57Watch your feet there.
13:58And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
14:01Everyone, this is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA.
14:07After a ten-year stint, chairing the Women's Institute.
14:11So, used to making big decisions.
14:14All set for tonight, guys.
14:15Hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
14:18And, um, Reverend Penny.
14:19Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
14:23I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
14:29Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
14:32Well, thank goodness that Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the Carinium
14:37board.
14:38I'm sure the IBA will align with the public and take a stern view on his behaviour.
14:41I should be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course.
14:44One thing I'm curious about, Lord Battingham.
14:46Yes?
14:46As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell
14:51Black's reputation the night before the country goes to the polls?
14:55Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system, I would
14:59say it's paramount.
15:00We make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like Campbell Black's
15:06in the modern government, which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
15:11Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
15:13Rupert always had a rapier wit.
15:16Milk snatcher.
15:18I spat out my sherry.
15:22Sorry.
15:26Archie's been writing to me at school.
15:28Archie Bellingham?
15:29Caitlin.
15:29He sent me a mixtape.
15:30It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he
15:34wants to have sex in a caravan.
15:36It's not just Rupert's reputation.
15:38If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
15:40I'm here to make telly.
15:41The Yates programme is your baby.
15:43We sell it somewhere else, Mike.
15:45Will anyone else take it now?
15:46I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
15:49This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
15:55Aye, so I'm just rubbish anyway.
15:57Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
15:58I was at that party with Johnny Friedlander, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous
16:02in his life.
16:04I mean, until now.
16:05So even the tree woman had one sting?
16:07Well, it sounds jolly-tard.
16:09Oh, look at you.
16:11You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
16:14Okay, I think it should take more than a carinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
16:20Freddy, you're very quiet.
16:22We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
16:24It's not just a profile.
16:27We need his financial stake.
16:29What?
16:30But a good public reputation is crucial for a company,
16:35and Rupert's flushed ours down the car.
16:39I spoke to my father.
16:40What did he say?
16:43Toshy?
16:45What did he say?
16:48Rupert's融資金 is covered.
16:51But?
16:52But Rupert's will be able to pull us out.
16:59So, Toshy's dad will cover Rupert's stake.
17:03But he needs to know that he's not part of the company anymore.
17:08Phone, Daddy.
17:10Not now, sweetheart.
17:11It is, won't me.
17:12She says it's urgent.
17:14Go.
17:15Just press pause, okay?
17:21I got a tag.
17:22Hello, love.
17:24Natalie Pro has got food poisoning.
17:26She can't go on tonight.
17:27I'm odd, darling.
17:28I really can't.
17:29I'm going on for her.
17:31To play.
17:33Nora.
17:34I can come.
17:35If you got in the car now, you can make curtain up.
17:38Have you seen the newspapers?
17:41It's Rupert.
17:42He's always in some scrape or other.
17:44I need you.
17:46Please.
17:47Don't worry, love.
17:48You'll be wonderful.
17:49My guys are tearing each other to bits here.
17:51If I leave now, the company could crumble.
17:53What?
17:53You're not coming.
17:54It's Venture, love.
18:00Look, but it's not dishonest, is it?
18:02Rupert is just Rupert.
18:03Always has been.
18:04Take it or leave it.
18:05I mean, I personally think people find it refreshing.
18:07The Archbishop doesn't.
18:08Doesn't he have anything better to do?
18:10I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to be to think this is a problem?
18:14How thoughtless and ignorant do you have to be to think it isn't?
18:16I thought you were a bohemian.
18:18Who here doesn't have a past?
18:19Not one that B.T.
18:20Johnson would be interested in.
18:21Well, I don't imagine she gets down to Glyndebourne, man.
18:23I'm sorry.
18:23It's him or me.
18:25Hey, whatever happened to loyalty?
18:26Cameron.
18:27Us against the world?
18:28Are we going to take this?
18:30Let's face it, a direct attack from Tony Battingham, are we going to take it lying down?
18:33I'm all for love and forgiveness, but I simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive this.
18:39What about we just take a vote?
18:40Democracy in action.
18:41Fuck democracy!
18:47You know what I mean.
18:50You can abstain, Cameron.
18:53You better go while we vote.
18:56Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board, so you should step out as well.
19:01This isn't the venturer I signed up for.
19:09Rupert would swim through shark-infested water for any one of you if this were the other way around.
19:13Whatever you decide, please, God, have the grace to wait until after the election
19:18before you tell him he's been subjected to another vote.
19:27You okay?
19:29This is such a fucking mess.
19:32Why do you defend him?
19:33Because I love him.
19:36Because he fought for me.
19:38Now is my time to fight for him.
19:45Okay.
19:47How do we do this?
20:07Coffee?
20:08Coffee?
20:09No.
20:10It's not a question.
20:11Sit.
20:15The Times, the Telegraph, today, the Mail, the Mirror, the Scorpion.
20:20You're on the front page of all of it.
20:23Photographers have already set up camp outside, waiting for you to leave.
20:26I'm glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down.
20:29For God's sake, Rupert, grow up!
20:35We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy playing everything for a laugh.
20:41It might have been endearing in a young buck, but in a man nearing forty, I'm afraid it's
20:47long ago passed over into pathetic.
20:52Right.
20:53Needless to say, Helen's furious.
20:57Needless to say.
20:58Well, she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the marriage, but she had no idea
21:02of the scale of her humiliation.
21:04Thank God you saved her from me.
21:07We both know I didn't take Helen from you.
21:12You'd broken her a long time before I put her back together.
21:17And I'm damned if I'll let you break her again.
21:20Oh, come on, Melise.
21:22Who doesn't have their sexual peccadillas?
21:25I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla, but I'm sure you've used your riding crop
21:28on her a couple of times.
21:29Your daughter was in tears this morning because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS.
21:38You've lost your wife, and you're about to lose your children because you can't keep
21:44your bloody cock inside your trousers.
21:47Of course, the irony in all that is that I have stopped.
21:55Everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago.
21:58Oh, really?
21:59Sarah Stratton, Natalie Perrault?
22:03Months ago, and they were the last.
22:11I'm not excusing what's happened, but Beatty let me confide in her at a time when I needed
22:20to, and I had no idea she was recording every word of it to use against me later.
22:24Of course, I told her hundreds of good things about Helen, but they didn't broadcast any of
22:30that, but don't worry.
22:32I'll get what I deserve.
22:35I'm going to lose my seat tonight.
22:38Yes, most likely.
22:40But you've been dropped from the national team before and bounced back.
22:44You learned then, didn't you?
22:46Pulled yourself together.
22:48And Timmy died.
22:53I swore if I couldn't look after him, I'd take good care of the young riders on the team.
22:59Keep you close.
23:01Stop you repeating your mistakes again and again.
23:05But, of course, it was hopeless.
23:08I used to blame myself.
23:11But the rot in you had set in long before I came on the scene.
23:15Your father gave you the worst possible example.
23:18You can do better for your children.
23:21They love you, the poor little buggers.
23:27For me.
23:29Put these on and go and cast your vote with dignity.
23:56I hope I can count on your vote, Willis.
24:01I shall be voting for the Liberals.
24:13Oh, Natalie's not on tonight.
24:15Tonight, the role of Laura will be played by Maud O'Hara.
24:18Oh, God, it gets worse.
24:19Let's just go for dinner.
24:20Oh, no, no, let's go for a chance.
24:22Now we're here.
24:23We'd only be at home waiting for the results.
24:25Oh, darling.
24:26Oh.
24:30Later tonight, we'll be bringing you all the live updates from the central southwest region.
24:35Plus, in-depth analysis of the results as they come in.
24:37Served with a generous helping of Carinean Charm.
24:40Oh, look, there's Danny.
24:43But first, let's go over to the ITN newsroom.
24:46Good evening.
24:47The campaigns are over.
24:48The polls are open.
24:51Three hours to go until 30.30.
24:53You'll be speaking to the leaders.
24:57I know I shouldn't be here.
24:59I just wanted to talk to you.
25:01It's been a terrible day.
25:05I thought if James was on the telly, he couldn't be here, so...
25:08Oh.
25:10Well, I'm cooking supper for the children.
25:13Of course, I'm sorry.
25:15Is that a potato waffle?
25:16Mm-hmm.
25:17Because, um...
25:20I haven't eaten all day.
25:23We've been arguing about Rupert.
25:25Declan's head has put it to a vote.
25:27Oh.
25:28What did you do?
25:29I voted for Rupert to stay.
25:31Oh, good.
25:32Of course, he's behaved awfully, but I've always felt it's our job as his friends to stay loyal,
25:37to steer him onto the path.
25:40We've all done things.
25:44I knew he was going to say something wise like that.
25:47Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome, so she's ripped out all the Pampers grass,
25:51just in case.
25:54But Rupert's staying.
25:56Well, Declan's got the casting vote.
25:58I left him to it.
25:59It didn't feel right.
26:00Mummy!
26:04I'm going to go on.
26:10Where do you stand on fish fingers?
26:13I can't get enough of them.
26:24Okay, come on upstairs now for teeth brushing, please.
26:28You better listen to your mum or all your teeth will fall out.
26:32Oh, no.
26:33I've got no teeth.
26:36Where's your teeth going?
26:37You're finally, Mr Jones.
26:39Thank you, Mr Verica.
26:41I'm Sebastian.
26:43Well, I'm Freddie.
26:43Freddie!
26:45Okay, upstairs now.
26:47Oh.
26:50Why are all posh people called Sebastian?
26:52We're not posh people.
26:54You're posher than me.
26:57Oh, dear.
26:58Are you all right?
27:00Yeah.
27:01Have you got a wheelchair?
27:03Well, James treats me like a wheelchair, something you can fall back on in old age.
27:12Why did you marry him?
27:18Because he asked me.
27:25Why did you marry Valerie?
27:29I loved her.
27:37I was allowed.
27:39Ugh.
28:00Rah.
28:36Good night, Freddy.
28:39Good night, Lizzie.
29:02Ta-da!
29:04Blimey. Look at you.
29:07Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
29:10We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
29:13Proper gentleman.
29:14He looks like a penguin.
29:16Sharon, stop it!
29:21Look what we've done, eh?
29:25Oh, boy.
29:27I'm proud of you.
29:30We've got everything on the list.
29:32Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit, tennis kit, rugby kit, fencing kit.
29:38All the kits.
29:39I'm proud of you and all.
29:41There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team all this, son, eh?
29:45Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month.
29:48So you're gonna have to be brave, Wayne, okay?
29:50No crying like a ninny.
29:52Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
29:56Sharon, come on.
29:57Stop being so lazy and help me get the rest of the bags out of the car, you lump.
30:01Honestly.
30:10Don't know how I'm gonna cope.
30:11Not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
30:15You sure you want this?
30:17It makes Mum happy.
30:20Can I take this off now?
30:22Yes, go on.
30:33Wasn't she wonderful?
30:35A revelation.
30:38I think you may have found your Titania.
30:42Mord?
30:42I couldn't cast Mord O'Hara.
30:44Declan would howl.
30:45Let's go round and see her, shall we?
30:55Congratulations.
30:55Woman of the hour.
30:57Woman of the half-hour call.
31:00I mean, this is unexpected and nice.
31:05After thinking I didn't have anyone in tonight.
31:07Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
31:09I'm not.
31:10Tony, isn't he awful?
31:12I'm not complaining.
31:13This is extremely nice wine.
31:15We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin horses.
31:19Well, not for long.
31:21Tony, tell her.
31:22Ah, yes.
31:24Monica's had an idea.
31:25Oh.
31:25And I think it's a rather good one.
31:27I would like to offer you a role in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
31:33The leading lady.
31:34Titania.
31:35Queen of the fairies.
31:36I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
31:39It's our flagship project.
31:41Filmed at Carinium with a live audience.
31:44Broadcast on the network.
31:45With a subsequent video release for schools all over the country.
31:49It's going to have quite a reach.
31:50What?
31:52God.
31:54I mean, thank you.
31:57I mean, obviously I'll have to speak with my-
32:00Your husband.
32:01Yes, of course.
32:02I was going to say my agent.
32:05Oh, Ibsen would be pride.
32:29Ready to go live, studio?
32:32Countdown to hand over to ITN in five, four, three.
32:41Good evening.
32:42And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
32:46Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit in Conchester now.
32:51Where I am being told, yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat for the Conservatives.
32:56I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters, my constituency staff,
33:01to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
33:05And of course, I would like to thank my daughters, Penelope and Cressida,
33:10to my father, Desmond Stratton QC, for his sage advice during this election.
33:15And finally, to my schnauzer, Sulton, for being there.
33:21Good boy, Sulton.
33:23Paul Stratton holds Parchester for the Conservatives.
33:26All eyes now turn to Chalford and Whistley,
33:28where Rupert Campbell Blackspeed hangs in the balance
33:30after last night's shocking expose.
33:32Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
33:34Paul Stratton retaining his majority by more than 15,000.
33:38A decisive win there.
33:40Oh, no, don't go that way.
33:41No, no, no, no.
33:43I'll just hold it.
33:45Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
33:48Beat it.
33:50Head up, okay?
33:52Act like nothing's wrong and people will believe it.
33:55Whatever happens, I just want to say it has been an honour to serve with you and...
34:00turn of the top.
34:03Ready?
34:06Ready.
34:25Chalford and Whistley are about to declare.
34:27Stand by for outside broadcast.
34:30And I'm just hearing now that we can go over to Chalford and Whistley for the announcement of today's results.
34:34We weren't expecting you back tonight, Tony.
34:36I wouldn't move this for the world.
34:39And cut to outside broadcast.
34:43As returning officer for the Chalford and Whistley constituency, I hereby declare that the total number of votes for each
34:51candidate was as follows.
34:52Michael Seaborne, Labour Party candidate, 5,342.
35:00David Edwards, known as Bar Bar Woolly Ramsbottom, Cotswold Looney Party, 283.
35:10Margaret Baldwin, Liberal Party, 24,292.
35:18Rupert Campbell Black Conservative Party, 36,272.
35:31I do hereby declare that Rupert Campbell Black is duly elected Member of Parliament for Chalford and Whistley.
35:40And retains the seat for the Conservative Party.
35:46Go up, go up, go up.
35:47I'm sure it's alright.
35:49You don't know how they happen.
35:51Who missed the point?
35:52Who missed the point?
35:52Who missed the point?
35:52Who missed the point?
35:53Who missed the point?
35:59Thank you, thank you all.
36:01I will do my absolute utmost to deserve your confidence.
36:05Onward.
36:08Rupert Campbell Black re-elected as Member of Parliament for Chalford and Whistley.
36:12This is his girlfriend, television executive Cameron Cook.
36:17If you're just joining us, 88 results have been declared so far.
36:21In the last few moments, despite the Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black,
36:25He surprised everybody by retaining his childhood and 50 feet.
36:29As I know, as I know.
36:38As I know.
36:45They just denounced.
36:47He won, didn't he?
36:52How does he do it?
36:53He's still their Olympic hero.
36:55Not to those who really know him.
36:58He's even got you on side.
37:00Look.
37:01He still needs a father figure sometimes.
37:03Or maybe you still need a son.
37:07I'm sorry.
37:08I'm sorry.
37:10I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you missed Timmy.
37:16And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
37:20Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
37:23It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
37:26If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through the streets of
37:33Rochester.
37:33Oh, for God's sake.
37:33He gets a seat of Parliament.
37:35All I get is to suffer by association.
37:37To look and feel stupid that I was ever married to him.
37:40That I ever had his children.
37:41No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
38:00What happened to you in Kenya?
38:04What?
38:06You never told me about Kenya.
38:09What happened to you there?
38:12No, no, I didn't.
38:16I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently of me.
38:20Oh, and so you do.
38:23I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
38:29Which one?
38:37Hold a chicken in the air.
38:41Stick a dead chair up your nose.
38:43Buy a jumbo jet.
38:45And then bury all your clothes.
38:47Make your lesbian dream.
38:49Let it scratch your written teeth.
38:52Form a string quartet.
38:53And pretend your name is Pete.
38:58Skin in your shower light.
39:02Let you speak around the phone.
39:04I'm inside the door.
39:06Happy Renavissimo.
39:09He's a Renavon.
39:10What the song is this?
39:13It's the chicken song.
39:14What?
39:15Um, spinning image.
39:17It's a parody.
39:18Of what?
39:19A parody?
39:20Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
39:24I just won the general bloody election.
39:27Actually, Mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election.
39:31Honey, I need to talk to you about Ventura.
39:35No, no, no, no, we're celebrating.
39:36Ventura won the election.
39:41I'm going to bed.
39:43Fine, fine, fine.
39:45Oh, I'll come with you.
39:47No, no, no, no.
39:48Celebrate.
39:50This is your party.
40:13Take that, Dimbleby.
40:15As always, the great British public voted for mummy.
40:18How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
40:20You and me?
40:21Why not?
40:22I'll check under the bed for tape recorders.
40:27Okay, then.
40:28Really?
40:28No.
40:32I thought you were wonderful, James.
40:36Ah!
40:38Hey, team.
40:39Who's up for partying?
40:41I could have equipped my bridge.
40:44Daisy, going somewhere nice?
40:46Knocking with the OB crew at the Cotchester Arms.
40:48Cider with the camera boys.
40:50I've got, er, Bolly in my dressing room.
40:53No, thank you.
40:54Well, come on, Daisy.
40:55Why the sad face?
40:56Used to be much more up for partying.
40:58Fuck off.
41:00Little Daisy just told me to F off.
41:08Deidre?
41:08Yes, James?
41:10Call me a cab home.
41:11There's a love.
41:26I left him at the party sticking a deck chair up his nose.
41:34What's wrong now?
41:36Oh, what is it?
41:39Do you want to be married to him or not?
41:41If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house.
41:46You can't talk to me like that.
41:47I just did.
42:00I just did.
42:02The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil mark.
42:06Oh, you're brilliant.
42:08BT bloody bumfuck bloody Johnson getting all the glory.
42:14Maybe next year I could ask for a bigger pendulum.
42:16Yes.
42:19Oh, speaking of pendulums.
42:23Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again.
42:27Yes, it is.
42:36Oh, I've brushed my teeth.
42:39Fine.
42:39We'll just have sex.
42:41Okay.
42:45Come on.
42:47Do you know, people really do underestimate me.
42:50I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me.
42:53Or better yet, persuade me to be a mole.
42:55And be a fantastic double agent.
42:58Oh, open a little wider, Lizzie.
42:59Can't get it in.
43:02James the mole verica.
43:04There.
43:05That's the job, Lizzie.
43:06Good girl.
43:07Open up the bar.
43:07Oh.
43:10I am a mole and I live in a hole.
43:13I am a mole and I live in a hole.
43:16Do, do, do, do, do.
43:17I am a mole and I live in a...
43:35I am a kite and you are my bollard.
43:56Oh, darling.
43:57You're home.
44:00Congratulations.
44:02You won.
44:02I made you breakfast.
44:04You must be exhausted after all that celebrating.
44:09I'm so sorry about that stupid fight that we had.
44:15It was just my hormones.
44:17It wasn't your fault at all.
44:19But the baby?
44:20Your baby.
44:22I've been so mean to you, Paulie.
44:24I just want us to be a proper little family.
44:29I'm so happy.
44:36You know, some women find that the second trimester is the horniest three months of their life.
45:06Gerald.
45:07I was in bed.
45:09I've come to join you.
45:23I can't believe Rupert actually did it.
45:26He's Superman.
45:27Should I be jealous?
45:28I'd do anything for Rupert, but it's you I'm really in love with.
45:32You and Mrs Thatcher.
45:33Oh, I think my erection just died.
45:36I know, really.
45:37Just stop talking about Mrs Thatcher.
45:40Sorry, sorry.
45:42You know I want to be an MP, Charles.
45:44And that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love.
45:47And throwing away all your principles to work for a party that's taking away gay men's rights to even be
45:52considered human beings.
45:55I'm going to change things from the inside.
46:03Really?
46:04Why not?
46:05Why not?
46:15You know, Gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife.
46:21Gerald is very drunk.
46:24I mean, what does that even look like?
46:26Put up and shut up?
46:28Well, that's not your style, is it?
46:34You know I supported you because I don't think what happened to you was fair.
46:39I can't deny anything Petey said.
46:44So true.
46:45You don't have to.
46:48You are a whole person.
46:53And I love you.
46:56I love you.
47:05Let's have the dogs out.
47:13I adore you.
47:14Thank you for supporting me.
47:26Oh, yes.
47:28Oh, yes.
47:29Are you happy or no?
47:32All right.
47:33That's fine.
47:33Don't give me.
47:34Don't give me.
47:34Don't give me.
47:35Don't give me.
47:36Don't give me.
47:37Don't give me.
47:38Downing Street, we're just on the phone.
47:41Mrs. Thadger wants to see you.
47:56I know it's smarts, darling.
47:59Whatever you think about Rupert.
48:01You know, I really couldn't do all this without your support.
48:04All your ideas.
48:06You're my secret weapon.
48:08It cuts both ways, darling.
48:10We're a team.
48:12I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever.
48:15Look at him.
48:16I mean, who does it think he is?
48:18But he's Sir Lancelot.
48:19Sir Fox-a-lot.
48:26You'll stop this feud with Rupert now.
48:29Please.
48:34I will.
48:35Stop the feud with Rupert.
48:50How did last night go for your mother?
48:52Did she call?
48:52Mm-mm, she didn't call.
48:56Eggsteady?
48:57No, I couldn't eat, Ty.
49:01Mrs. Thadger's third landslide.
49:03Poor Mr. Kinnick should just give up.
49:05She's going to be Prime Minister forever.
49:07Change is hard.
49:09It scares people, so...
49:11They stick with the status quo.
49:13Well, that's depressing.
49:17It's ready.
49:18You've got to talk to Rupert.
49:20What have you decided?
49:25Well, surely, if you won the election, you...
49:29Er, I thought you'd want to know there's a press conference about to start at Downing Street.
49:33Let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself, then.
49:35It's not Mrs. Thatcher.
49:37It's Rupert.
49:44Thank you, gentlemen, ladies.
49:47I've spoken to Mrs. Thatcher in light of the uncensored programme
49:51the night before last and the coverage that broadcast generated.
49:55I told the Prime Minister that, although I won my seat in yesterday's general election,
49:59I do not want the scandal around me to distract from the important work that our government is doing.
50:05It was, therefore, with deep regret that I tendered and the Prime Minister accepted
50:10my resignation as an MP and a minister.
50:16There'll be another statement in your course, gentlemen.
50:19Thank you very much.
50:20It seems you've won after all, my lord.
50:30One down.
50:33Three to go.
50:45All right, tell me.
50:48Do you need me to go?
50:49Do you need me to go?
50:51Do you need me to go?
51:19I can love the world again
51:22I can love the world again
51:27I can love the world
51:33Padre'o
51:35Padre'o
51:37Padre'o
51:39Joseph
Comments