Skip to playerSkip to main content
LegalDramaDaily
  • 1 day ago
Anxiety Club
Transcript
00:00:10if you don't have anxiety the way I would describe it is like there's an edgy improv
00:00:15group in your brain and it just needs like a one-word suggestion to spin like countless
00:00:28scenarios that no one's comfortable with some people think that a lot of comedians are more
00:00:46damaged you know more fucked up than the average person I don't necessarily believe that I think
00:00:51that comedians are the ones who live in it I don't know I don't know how to have fun how
00:00:57do you have
00:01:00fun how do you guys do it like I don't think I would have come to this show all right
00:01:06good
00:01:06morning everybody I've got some bad news okay literally haven't even said what the bad news is
00:01:12yet let's I love bad news I'm constantly telling myself you've got everybody fooled you're not that
00:01:18funny any minute now everybody's gonna wake up and realize how bad you suck and so there's this fear
00:01:25that I can't ever truly be myself because if people knew the real me they wouldn't like me
00:01:52Chloe you didn't even look to see if a car was coming honey look for cars honey in general I
00:01:58feel
00:01:59like when they're in the house they're safe I can see them and take care of them when we're out
00:02:04here
00:02:04there's lots of elements it's like every single nightmare scary movie that I've ever seen in my
00:02:10life and I just have really dark pictures in my brain it's almost like I can see it happening for
00:02:18so
00:02:19long I struggled in silence about like my anxiety my depression there wasn't a word for it I didn't know
00:02:24how to describe it and once I started talking about it on the internet I was met with so much
00:02:29love and support and it was shocking to me keys backpack you guys got your backpacks boo what are
00:02:36you doing here we get to hang out today awesome do you think your husband put the car seats in
00:02:43right
00:02:45I think so I hope so why I was just thinking about like car accidents and stuff just want to
00:02:55make
00:02:55sure that it's safe that's all if I do things alone I'm usually okay but it's it's the it's the
00:03:08going out
00:03:09of the world that's the hard part I get a lot of social anxiety is this person gonna hate me
00:03:15am I
00:03:15annoying this person am I a burden I'll probably look like a normal average Joe but I'm really going
00:03:20shut up you're an idiot take it easy no but I think that guy does it oh shut up you're
00:03:26crazy and I don't
00:03:27know he wasn't a fan you see the way he looked at you you guys ever do this one you
00:03:33guys ever leave
00:03:34the house without headphones thoughts are not good my god this whole time I thought I love music turns
00:03:45out I just hate my brain just being attacked all day long by this insecurity playlist on shuffle ah
00:03:50what are you doing with your life you drink too much gonna die alone you call that a penis
00:03:59the anxiety I have is wrapped up in being disappointing I literally every day I'm like I gotta quit I
00:04:10should
00:04:10quit stand up I kind of this fantasy about being the funniest guy and produce at the Kroger you know
00:04:20or the Publix in freaking you know Chattanooga I recently figured out that I have anxiety I've had
00:04:29it for my entire life but it's really easy to confuse having anxiety with just the fact of being black
00:04:34there's a lot of similarities you know like the thought anyone could kill me at any time is a real
00:04:39thought I definitely feel like sometimes like wow I got this brain I wonder what it would be like to
00:04:48step into someone else's brain for a day or even like 20 minutes and see how it feels inside a
00:04:53different brain because maybe I'm crazy and maybe it's just like this everywhere but I do feel like
00:05:03my brain is sometimes lightly trying to kill me but also I love my brain for other reasons so
00:05:13it's nice I like having a brain that's fucked up and creative and cool um my god cool yeah my
00:05:20brain's
00:05:21super cool um you good yeah no I'm fine I was thinking I'm going to dinner later tonight and I
00:05:31was like thinking like what am I gonna get for my side and then I was like do I want
00:05:35french fries do I
00:05:36want mashed potatoes and then I realized like it doesn't even really matter you know what I'm saying
00:05:39because once you actually eat it it's all basically mashed potatoes after that you know and then I was
00:05:45like well maybe I should get a salad instead because I've been gaining a little bit of weight I know
00:05:50like
00:05:50if I'm gonna spend money I don't want to spend it on leaves and so it's like I'm sorry what
00:05:55was your
00:05:55question whoa my anxiety videos get in the tens of millions of views and people are like I that's me
00:06:22when I go to my email if I just type it in the search bar the word anxiety
00:06:32there's so many everyone's suffering all of these people reach out to me because they've seen
00:06:37my videos and it feels like everybody in the world has anxiety and nobody knows what the f to do
00:06:43about
00:06:46it I have I think every kind of anxiety you can have general anxiety social anxiety panic disorder
00:06:55obsessive compulsive disorder I got it all I'm a real I'm the full ball of anxiety my whole life and
00:07:05mind everything is sort of fear and anxiety based it's almost like that angel devil thing but there's
00:07:12just a devil it's just it just feels like a mean version of me sitting on my own shoulder I
00:07:18read
00:07:18this human beings have up to 70,000 thoughts a day did you guys know that I thought it was
00:07:22like nine I
00:07:23had no idea 70,000 is too many I don't think I have 70,000 thoughts a day I feel
00:07:27like I have four
00:07:28thoughts a day they just repeat 70,000 times my four thoughts are my parents gonna die I'm horny is
00:07:35that cancer is this funny those are the only four thoughts I ever have in my life oh my god
00:07:48I would
00:07:48kill to be less anxious uh it's just it's exhausting like I remember I took a Xanax once
00:07:54I don't know why I had it but I just took one and I remember being like is this what
00:07:57normal people
00:07:57feel like oh my god it was amazing I was like skipping down the street like high-fiving mailmen
00:08:03and stuff it was amazing so I'm like my whole goal is just get back to that somehow naturally which
00:08:10I
00:08:10know is probably never gonna happen but that would be nice
00:08:16I'm really nervous today is my first uh day with my new therapist
00:08:27I'm nervous about I'm excited though because I'm desperate to feel different than
00:08:38I've been feeling for a really long time I'm hoping that I can be a better mom to my kids
00:08:46I feel like I'm ruining their childhood
00:08:55to put on my jewelry I'm gonna wear this bracelet today seems like the perfect day for it you put
00:09:02essential oil on this pad and when you get stressed you can sniff it the therapist is gonna be like
00:09:09are
00:09:09you okay I notice you're smelling yourself a lot
00:09:17let's go
00:09:21I forgot my keys
00:09:24I'm so sorry
00:09:25everything's fine everything's gonna be fine we're just it's therapy everything's fine
00:09:31okay wish me luck pita
00:09:45I think it would be wonderful to be able to just enjoy life and enjoy the little moments
00:09:54and experience some emotions other than fear a tiny part of me wonders though
00:10:04if I wasn't a crazy anxious overthinking worrying people pleaser
00:10:13who the heck would I be
00:10:16how was the drive the drive was nerve-wracking
00:10:19was it really yeah I just don't like driving I don't like driving on the interstate
00:10:23did you drive or did somebody else
00:10:25I drove
00:10:25you did
00:10:26yeah
00:10:26okay
00:10:27and I was just nervous
00:10:28yeah
00:10:29are these for crying
00:10:30sure
00:10:31okay
00:10:32yeah I usually have that effect on people so if it happens don't worry
00:10:35okay
00:10:35so I'm gonna take notes while we chat
00:10:38okay
00:10:38um so you can start wherever you want but you're gonna tell me everything so where do you want to
00:10:42start
00:10:44I am afraid that I am going to um throw myself into early death because of all the worrying that
00:10:52I'm doing
00:10:53okay
00:10:53I am scared of getting murdered
00:10:57I'm scared of robbers
00:10:59I have a horrendous fear of the ocean
00:11:02okay
00:11:03I hate the water I hate not knowing what's lurking under my feet
00:11:06the unknown
00:11:08yeah
00:11:09um I think about my kids breaking their neck and getting paralyzed a lot
00:11:15I can like picture their neck being broken when they're jumping on the couches and stuff
00:11:21okay
00:11:21and going back to that for fear of something happening to your kids what do you do as a result
00:11:27I say no to fun things
00:11:29okay
00:11:29yeah
00:11:30and if we do end up in a place where they're having fun I'm just constantly yelling out warnings
00:11:38like be safe don't do this no we're not going to do that be careful
00:11:42I give them probably way too many talks about getting kidnapped
00:11:46okay
00:11:48that's going to eff them up
00:11:58it's definitely difficult when people don't understand it and they go just stop worrying
00:12:03it's a weird because you have to be like well I have a mental disorder
00:12:11it feels like it's not always that respected as a thing
00:12:15put your hands together right now for Mr. Joe List everybody
00:12:18oh my god
00:12:19but comedy is completely controlled by me so your anxiety is sort of at bay for that moment
00:12:27at least and you sort of feel worthy I feel strong and I'm I'm doing this thing
00:12:34my aunt Betty she's a big source of my anxiety I don't know if you guys ever met her she's
00:12:37a
00:12:39she was a babysitter late 80s early 90s and um one time she was babysitting me she said this
00:12:44to me this is a true story I was eight years old this is where my anxiety began I was
00:12:47eight
00:12:47and she said Joe my biggest fear she told me her biggest fear I didn't ask her what her biggest
00:12:52fear was I was eight years old I didn't give a shit about her fear but she told me anyway
00:12:57she said my biggest fear is that when I go to the bathroom there'll be a man hiding behind
00:13:01the shower curtain waiting to get me and I was like well that's my biggest fear now also
00:13:10yeah I have goals I just like to waste my time in getting to them like I love to procrastinate
00:13:15love to waste time learn to embrace it as a strength does anyone identify as a professional
00:13:20procrastinator yeah yeah yeah and again don't even make noise just think about it and then don't do
00:13:27anything people they're like oh but you're so low-key and you're like so laid-back even in your delivery
00:13:33like it just doesn't you don't strike me as an anxious person but I think in that sense it is
00:13:38it demonstrates how internal it can be it's so much a part of your brain that you're just like
00:13:44used to it and you're like I don't know what an alternative would be because it takes up so much
00:13:50space on a regular basis I do experience you know fairly profound dread over nothing like it just seems
00:13:58to be a frequency I operate at like you know like I'll wake up and immediately just be like oh
00:14:04I gotta
00:14:04make breakfast and then I gotta see my friend at noon god like why why that intensity like and those
00:14:12are things that you should want to do but I just operate like everything becomes this sort of like
00:14:17hassle I don't do things I don't do stuff I don't know why I don't do stuff I kind of
00:14:27know why
00:14:29all right example I got opportunity to see the Rolling Stones I was given tickets to see the Rolling
00:14:37Stones the first date of their last stadium tour San Diego right the first date I was given tickets
00:14:44on the field and the day I was given those tickets my first thought was like ah fucking parking's gonna
00:14:53when you have a brain like this like mine or like a neurotic anxious person you know it's it's always
00:14:59a negative you're never sort of like that's gonna be great in the shower this morning I was thinking
00:15:04I'm in the shower too long so it's like I'm in the shower too long I'm stressed about even taking
00:15:10a
00:15:10shower it's like I gotta take a shower I only have this much time I gotta take a shower and
00:15:13then I'm
00:15:14in the shower I'm like I shouldn't have taken a shower I shouldn't have taken a shower there's
00:15:16all these other things that have to be done and I'm sitting here taking a shower wasting water
00:15:20wasting water while there's other things to be done like I'm like wait a minute why don't I just
00:15:24take a shower like I can't I gotta take a shower does anybody with anxiety ever take your kids to
00:15:30the park it like it makes me crazy especially when there's other kids like I'm just so afraid that
00:15:37they're gonna hurt themselves or they're gonna get hit by another kid like I can't even relax
00:15:42I'm not even trying to be funny like I dread going to the park and I wish I wasn't like
00:15:48this
00:15:49do you want to know how crazy I am I bring a taser with me to the park in case
00:15:56anybody tries to get
00:15:57kids why am I like this here we are my West Village apartment bought it homeowner uh if you want
00:16:07to
00:16:07take a look in here and horrify yourself um I don't know when that's from but it's about two years
00:16:14old
00:16:15and I uh just keep it in there just to remind myself stay humble I'm a big cocoon guy close
00:16:20the door
00:16:21close the shades TV internet the whole thing uh booze lockers you know there's no space in this
00:16:28goddamn town so you know you just fill up all your winter clothing bursting at the seams look at that
00:16:35falling out everywhere large TV this was a gift thank god record player Lenny Bruce New Orleans you
00:16:43know you gotta remember where you came from just a young boy from Treme with uh dreams and uh plastic
00:16:51on my mattress because I was a hell of a bed wetter for me it was uh being a kid
00:16:56and making my mom make
00:16:58up an excuse to not go out so your friends would be like hey can mark come over and play
00:17:03and I was like
00:17:04so my mom would be like he can't he's in trouble with me and I was like yeah I hated
00:17:08who I was all right
00:17:11this is a fun note this is a an anxiety blanket this weighs 15 pounds and if you put it
00:17:18on you it
00:17:18feels like a hug how sad is that
00:17:32careful
00:17:38Chloe are you okay please be careful every time they jump off it's hard to breathe
00:17:50I'm a little sweaty okay then okay care bubby when you land my son loves to do flips now actual
00:18:01flips
00:18:02and all I can think about is him getting paralyzed obviously it happens all the time with kids on
00:18:09trampolines are you having fun I don't want them to like see me freaking out because I'm afraid it's gonna
00:18:16like ruin their experience but um I'm dying and I have to sit by the exit so that I can
00:18:26see if
00:18:26somebody's trying to walk out with my kid because there's so much kidnapping and trafficking going on
00:18:31in the world that if my kids are attached to me or I can see them at all times and
00:18:36it's fine I could
00:18:36fight off the kidnapper do you avoid anything like do you avoid certain social situations tell me more
00:18:45I avoid any social situation where there are lots of people like a house party okay
00:18:52will go like I'm constantly worried how people are perceiving me okay and I'm afraid like before I go out
00:19:01on stage that I'm gonna forget everything and look stupid and just make it worse and
00:19:10okay um in the past or currently have you ever had any fears related to contamination I can't eat or
00:19:16drink
00:19:16after anybody okay husband and kids included um because you're afraid of getting sick with something
00:19:23or is it disgust it's disgust okay
00:19:29what else
00:19:31I'm afraid that I'm gonna have a brain aneurysm at any moment and just go I've done a lot of
00:19:37research
00:19:37on those so that I could be prepared
00:19:39you can be prepared for an aneurysm
00:19:41yes tell me the signs to look out for you'll hear a pop
00:19:45in your head and immediately
00:19:48as soon as you hear the pop
00:19:49you don't question it you just call 9-1-1
00:19:52right away have you done that yet
00:19:53no 9-1-1 or anything okay
00:19:55but well
00:19:57not I called 9-1-1
00:19:59when my son had a bloody nose
00:20:02and they
00:20:03showed up and were pissed
00:20:07me and my pal Joe List fellow comedian
00:20:11we took a road trip one day
00:20:12and just really hit it off
00:20:15it was a five-hour drive we didn't know each other
00:20:17we just talked about everything
00:20:18I feel like we kind of were
00:20:20trying to be comedians together in New York
00:20:22and he was struggling I was struggling and we helped each other
00:20:25and then he said I want to start a podcast will you do it with me
00:20:29and I said sure
00:20:29you really listen I'm a listener
00:20:32you really listen you're late you lie
00:20:34you're just a genuinely bad person
00:20:36but you listen
00:20:37you can really listen
00:20:39I'm a listener
00:20:40the beauty of us doing a pod together is
00:20:42I don't have to explain anxiety
00:20:45because he's a fucking wacko as well
00:20:48I'm like man I was feeling like this
00:20:50he doesn't go wait what do you mean
00:20:51why would you feel like that
00:20:52he's just like oh yeah totally I get it
00:20:54a lot of people have been writing negative comments
00:20:56saying that we're not as big as we should be
00:20:58so we're taking the podcast to the streets
00:21:00and we're gonna get some new fans the old fashioned way
00:21:03let's go make some new fans
00:21:06hey guys
00:21:07you guys uh
00:21:07you like podcasts?
00:21:09jesus christ
00:21:09oh podcasts man we're good man
00:21:16um
00:21:19I recommend going to therapy because I recommend doing things I was told black people do not do
00:21:24so therapy doing it
00:21:25eating blueberries
00:21:26delicious
00:21:27uh skiing
00:21:29don't think so
00:21:30I cannot trust a sport that wants me to be at the top of the mountain to start
00:21:37that's it's own sport
00:21:38I'll be down here in the jacuzzi
00:21:41um
00:21:42I like knowing why
00:21:43I do the things I do
00:21:45that's why I like going to therapy
00:21:46I like knowing what makes me tick
00:21:47what informs my decisions
00:21:48because I want to know these things about myself
00:21:51I want to know myself
00:21:52before I am
00:21:53that's right
00:21:54inevitably shot
00:21:55because
00:21:56if the police don't get me
00:21:58mass shooters will
00:21:59and all I'm saying is
00:22:00you don't want to be bleeding to death in the street
00:22:02going
00:22:02I never figured out intimacy
00:22:05I think a lot of comedians
00:22:06come to comedy because when they were children
00:22:09it was the only thing that they could do
00:22:11to have power
00:22:13making someone laugh
00:22:15means that you have power over them
00:22:18and I grew up in a neighborhood
00:22:20so my home life was relatively dangerous
00:22:23you know there was addiction and there was abuse
00:22:26and so it was kind of a minefield
00:22:27I was scared to be at home
00:22:29I spent a lot of time alone
00:22:30and when I wasn't alone
00:22:32I was trying to navigate around
00:22:33certain situations
00:22:36however
00:22:37being able to
00:22:39diffuse the tension
00:22:41to make someone laugh
00:22:42is to make someone happy
00:22:44so then if I could do that
00:22:46I knew I was safe
00:22:49that was my big fear when I was a kid
00:22:51wetting my pants
00:22:51because if you're a kid you get scared enough
00:22:53you can just urinate right in your pants
00:22:54you know
00:22:55that's like a weird mind-body connection
00:22:57I never understood
00:22:58like your brain is like I'm terrified
00:22:59and your bladder is like
00:23:00we'll go ahead and piss that
00:23:03and then your brain is like
00:23:04that didn't help at all
00:23:05and your bladder is like
00:23:06that's all we know how to do
00:23:07we just want to let you guys know
00:23:08that we were helping
00:23:09most of my material
00:23:11originates from anxiety
00:23:11because it's something going
00:23:13oh I hated that
00:23:14that made me feel weird
00:23:15I didn't like that
00:23:16and that's where like
00:23:17the comedy comes from
00:23:19that's what George Carlin said
00:23:20every joke started with
00:23:22something's wrong here
00:23:23and I'm gonna
00:23:23I'm gonna tell people about it
00:23:25these are fun
00:23:26these are cue cards
00:23:27from late night shows
00:23:29I've done
00:23:29like Conan or Fallon
00:23:31or Colbert
00:23:31this is actually my first one
00:23:33from 2013
00:23:36Conan
00:23:38February 20th
00:23:40biggest night of my life
00:23:41was a magical moment
00:23:42unbelievable
00:23:43you know
00:23:44late night TV debut
00:23:46and as you can see
00:23:47this is more broad
00:23:49doing like racial, Jewish, gay
00:23:52I needed this on muscle memory
00:23:54because I was just
00:23:55in this weirdo zone
00:23:58I was floating
00:23:59I didn't know where I was
00:24:00and it was horrifying
00:24:01but amazing
00:24:02and riveting
00:24:03all at the same time
00:24:04Jews are all about living on
00:24:05that's when I thought
00:24:06man
00:24:06Jews must be really jealous
00:24:08of gay people
00:24:09cuz gay people can't even reproduce
00:24:12yet they keep popping up
00:24:17that's amazing
00:24:18that's incredible
00:24:19no other group can do that
00:24:20it's like a super power
00:24:21you know
00:24:23you know like
00:24:23Jews are sitting around
00:24:24like you gotta marry a Jew
00:24:25you gotta marry a Jew
00:24:25and gays are like
00:24:27we'll be fine
00:24:29then when it ended
00:24:30it was like
00:24:30I said
00:24:31dream come true
00:24:32which wasn't planned
00:24:33that just came out
00:24:34just out of me
00:24:35cuz I was just
00:24:36you know
00:24:37and then Conan came over
00:24:39and I was so keyed up
00:24:40and so confident
00:24:42that it went well
00:24:42that I took his tie
00:24:43and dabbed my forehead
00:24:44just out of like
00:24:46ah fuck it
00:24:46let's be funny
00:24:49this is uh
00:24:50like five years later
00:24:51get more depth
00:24:52I've delved in
00:24:53you know
00:24:53you got eye contact
00:24:55introvert
00:24:55therapy
00:24:56so I'm now starting to
00:24:57really open up
00:24:58and talk about how weird I am
00:24:59and how much of a mess I am
00:25:00huh
00:25:03comedy comedy
00:25:05jokes jokes
00:25:08a lot of bad thoughts
00:25:10the paper is evil
00:25:12so you gotta get away
00:25:13from the paper
00:25:22I said I'll use the pen
00:25:24as a microphone
00:25:24which is uh
00:25:25also embarrassing
00:25:26I put a sock on
00:25:28I feel bad about my
00:25:30disgusting hoofs
00:25:31just clomping around
00:25:33what about a sandal
00:25:35out of all the things
00:25:36you write
00:25:36seven percent work
00:25:38and then out of that
00:25:39you keep five
00:25:41yeah
00:25:42that's why it takes so long
00:25:43to build material
00:25:44that's why everybody's so
00:25:45annoying when they go
00:25:46you got any new stuff
00:25:47no I don't need new stuff
00:25:48I'm busting my ass over here
00:25:50no I don't need new stuff
00:26:07when I'm writing
00:26:08I don't feel the anxiety
00:26:10I usually feel
00:26:11like when I'm
00:26:12actually just
00:26:13immersed in something like that
00:26:14I can quiet the rest of my brain
00:26:16and that's like focusing on something else
00:26:17And that's nice, because usually what my anxiety is is like,
00:26:21oh, you won't have any good ideas for this thing.
00:26:22Oh, you aren't writing it right now.
00:26:25Why?
00:26:26Actually, sitting down to write something is really calming.
00:26:30I pitched a few ideas to Comedy Central for a series,
00:26:33and the one that we decided to make
00:26:35was called Ava versus Anxiety.
00:26:38I'm the boss.
00:26:39My boss.
00:26:40It's my boss.
00:26:41OK.
00:26:41Go meet your boss.
00:26:44Hey, Ava.
00:26:44Hey.
00:26:45Oh, hi.
00:26:47What can I help you with?
00:26:48It's Claire's birthday today.
00:26:49Oh, Claire is the one with the glasses, and I have contacts,
00:26:52so we in general have a ton to talk about.
00:26:53Basically, everyone's already signed the card when you were out, so.
00:26:56Sure.
00:26:56Well, the only reason I was out was because the idea of being here
00:26:59made me want to die more than it usually does.
00:27:01For sure.
00:27:01Here's a pen.
00:27:02No problem.
00:27:03I'll just be creative and concise on the spot.
00:27:07You know what?
00:27:08I'm actually going to drop this off at your desk,
00:27:10because as weird as it sounds, you standing over my shoulder
00:27:13isn't really allowing my creative juices to flow as they usually do.
00:27:16Uh, just make sure you get me that ASAP, all right?
00:27:18ASAP as hell.
00:27:20Love you.
00:27:21What?
00:27:22Someone maybe thinks, like, you're a little weird,
00:27:25but it's kind of inconsequential, is the idea for the series,
00:27:27is that, like, everything is actually fine in the end,
00:27:29but, like, you give someone kind of a weird vibe.
00:27:32Ava?
00:27:33Hey, Ava, come on.
00:27:35Uh, no, you go ahead.
00:27:36I'll hold it for you.
00:27:37No, no, no, no, you go ahead.
00:27:38No, I'll catch the next one.
00:27:39Go ahead.
00:27:40Plenty of time, Ava.
00:27:41No, it's fine.
00:27:41Come on.
00:27:42Come on over, Ava.
00:27:44OK.
00:27:45It was therapeutic to make in some ways,
00:27:47because I felt like certain people saw it and were like,
00:27:50that is what it's like.
00:27:51And I was like, yeah, OK, I knew it.
00:27:53What's on the ceiling?
00:27:5512 inches.
00:27:57OK, interesting.
00:27:58Oh.
00:27:58But then also some people were like,
00:28:00this video is making me experience anxiety.
00:28:03Come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:28:03Well, that's not what I like.
00:28:05I don't want to make people feel anxious.
00:28:08But then again, if you've never experienced it, ha ha,
00:28:11now you have a little bit of it.
00:28:14I feel better.
00:28:16Huh.
00:28:18I made it.
00:28:19I'm alive.
00:28:20Like, you know, the most helpful thing for me
00:28:22is, like, most of what you're reacting to is something
00:28:26your brain is making up.
00:28:29That is a helpful thing to me.
00:28:31Like, if you have that negative thought thing where, like,
00:28:33this is going to be a disaster, even if anything's
00:28:36better than that.
00:28:38So, you know, you don't really set yourself up
00:28:40to engage and enjoy with things, but it's just like,
00:28:43it's going to be better than what happened in your head somehow.
00:28:47Hmm.
00:28:48I guess I'll say anxiety is a false friend,
00:28:54and then it's warning you about a danger,
00:28:58but it's one that isn't actually there.
00:29:01Good morning, everyone.
00:29:02Thank you so much for being here.
00:29:04Got to say motivation.
00:29:06Wasn't expecting to see you here this morning.
00:29:08Behold.
00:29:09Yeah, what are you doing here, weirdo?
00:29:11I started personifying these different feelings and emotions
00:29:16in my head and turning them into characters in skits.
00:29:20Okay, so as you guys know, kids are home for summer.
00:29:24Uh, looks like she wants to take them to the park,
00:29:27feed them a healthy lunch.
00:29:29It's funny.
00:29:31Uh, then take them to a pool party slash barbecue.
00:29:36How can we fuck this up?
00:29:37And when motivation takes off, I can remind her how dangerous parks are
00:29:41and how one in three kids injures themselves on the monkey bars each year
00:29:44and has to get sent to the hospital.
00:29:46Hi, I can convince her that she probably shouldn't go
00:30:02when is this meeting over?
00:30:04Remember, we need to work together as a team to make her completely mentally unstable.
00:30:09Oh, you know what that means.
00:30:10Come on.
00:30:11Let's go.
00:30:12Let's get pumped.
00:30:13Oh, this is happening so fast.
00:30:15Okay.
00:30:15Okay.
00:30:16Oh.
00:30:18Places.
00:30:19Okay.
00:30:19Make her look nuts.
00:30:20You guys got this.
00:30:20Good job, kid.
00:30:25So I'm going to explain now.
00:30:26You have your thoughts.
00:30:27I'll move my hand in a second.
00:30:31Feelings.
00:30:34Behaviors.
00:30:36So those thoughts you're having, like a lot of what ifs,
00:30:39like what if something bad happens to my, um, kids?
00:30:43What if, you know, people are judging me?
00:30:47So then you might feel anxiety, fear, and then therefore what do you do?
00:30:56Well, avoidance is kind of like the mother of all like those maladaptive behaviors.
00:31:00So the more you avoid and the more you kind of give in to those fears,
00:31:03then obviously it's creating more and more avoidance, right?
00:31:07Um, and then information seeking, uh, reassurance seeking.
00:31:11This is like, is everything going to be okay?
00:31:13Mm.
00:31:13So, and over time and as somebody gets older and they haven't done treatment,
00:31:17they're kind of, uh, these get more and more.
00:31:20The symptoms get worse over time.
00:31:22Your world kind of gets smaller.
00:31:24Even the avoidance of making a decision only makes you more and more indecisive over time.
00:31:28Does that make sense?
00:31:28A hundred percent.
00:31:30You know, the intrusive thoughts in and of themselves does not mean you're somehow crazy
00:31:34or pathological or anything like that.
00:31:36It's really what you, how you're responding to them that's keeping you kind of in that loop.
00:31:40Right.
00:31:41Does that make sense?
00:31:42Yeah.
00:31:44You have this harm OCD.
00:31:47Like you have...
00:31:48I have OCD?
00:31:50I think there's strong tendencies here.
00:31:52You know, the harm OCD is really like thoughts or intrusive thoughts and images about harm of somebody else or
00:31:59of yourself.
00:32:00Yeah.
00:32:01The idea is that I can get you to the point where you have these thoughts but you're not responding
00:32:05to them.
00:32:06But isn't it good to prepare for different scenarios so that when it does go wrong, I'm ready for action?
00:32:15There's no way to prepare completely for, um, something happening.
00:32:18Right.
00:32:19Something in me makes me feel like I can for some reason.
00:32:22Right, and that's the anxiety.
00:32:23So all of this is in the service of trying to get certainty, right?
00:32:26So everything you're dealing with is really the uncertainty, the what if.
00:32:30Yes.
00:32:32But I just want to let you know that the thought that came into my head when you said that
00:32:37was if I kept them inside at all times, they could live.
00:32:44And whose mental health would that be good for?
00:32:48Me specifically.
00:32:52I love therapy.
00:32:53If you're not going to therapy, I can knock it out for you.
00:32:54You'd save the money.
00:32:55It's your family.
00:32:56Whatever you're dealing with.
00:32:59Anxiety, depression, look no further than your own family.
00:33:01It's their problem.
00:33:02Their fault.
00:33:04At first I was skeptical.
00:33:05I was like, I don't know.
00:33:06And then I spent 11 seconds with my family and I was like, he nailed it.
00:33:10I started seeing a therapist who was really helpful and sort of drawing back to this is, this is the
00:33:17cause.
00:33:18This is where it's coming from.
00:33:19This is, this feeling comes from there.
00:33:21And that's so helpful is connecting all the feelings with emotions and that mind body thing of saying.
00:33:27That's been the most helpful to me in dealing with anxiety is this is not some curse.
00:33:32I feel like I was cursed to kind of have this.
00:33:34I got to go.
00:33:34Thank you very much.
00:33:35Enjoy the rest of your night.
00:33:38Back to TDD everybody.
00:33:40TDD everybody.
00:33:41TDD everybody.
00:33:45Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:33:47Get up there.
00:33:48Get up there.
00:33:50Open, open.
00:33:51Nice to meet you man.
00:33:53Sorry.
00:33:53Embracing you.
00:34:00Both my parents are really anxious.
00:34:02My dad's sort of a quiet guy and so there wasn't always a lot of connection always there.
00:34:08So there was a lot of, a lot of anxiety in the house.
00:34:13My parents were so loving and kind and always there that you think like, oh, I've had this perfect child,
00:34:17but it just because you weren't abused or abandoned or a divorce or anything like that, there's still difficult things
00:34:24to deal with.
00:34:25And because I sort of learned to relate through anxiety and to worry.
00:34:30Whole cheese pizza just for me.
00:34:35I mean, I'll eat this.
00:34:36I'm literally thinking while eating it, I'm going to get cancer.
00:34:39This is like frozen, you know, preservatives.
00:34:42I'm like, every time I'm eating, I'm like, I should be not doing this.
00:34:49I don't even enjoy it.
00:34:50I'm like, this is the worst food for you.
00:34:54And I ate it last night.
00:34:57I'm like, I'm gonna have a, you know, heart attack or something.
00:35:02But it's very tasty.
00:35:07You're tucked in very far there.
00:35:09Is that on purpose or?
00:35:12You just live your best life.
00:35:14I had these feelings of being nervous as a kid and I just thought that I was crazy.
00:35:19Back then I didn't really have anybody to talk to about it because everybody else seemed fine.
00:35:23So I was like, okay, I'm not gonna mention that this is how I'm feeling because then everybody's gonna think
00:35:28I'm crazy.
00:35:29There was no word for it.
00:35:31Do you think mommy always watches you eat?
00:35:38My.
00:35:44All right.
00:35:45So let me tell you a little bit about the treatment.
00:35:46Yeah?
00:35:47Okay.
00:35:47At the end of the day, the label doesn't matter.
00:35:49Like there's some generalized anxiety disorder things happening here too.
00:35:53But at the end of the day, the label doesn't really matter.
00:35:55It's just the treatment's gonna be the same.
00:35:57You're still gonna do exposures regardless of what it was.
00:35:59You're gonna be doing a lot of maybe, maybe not.
00:36:02Which is you have an intrusive thought like, oh man, my kids are jumping on that trampoline.
00:36:05They could break their neck.
00:36:06Yeah, maybe they will.
00:36:07Maybe they won't.
00:36:07You know, it's kind of accepting the ambiguity, accepting the uncertainty of what could happen.
00:36:11And then you'll do exposures, which is everything that you don't want your kids to do, I'm gonna have them
00:36:16do, but in a hierarchical basis.
00:36:18So like we start off easy, and then we slowly get to more and more difficult things.
00:36:23Like eventually, what's his name?
00:36:24Caden.
00:36:25So what we'll eventually do is like have him do a sleepover or something like that.
00:36:29I don't think so.
00:36:30Well, hold on.
00:36:32Thank you for the offer.
00:36:34I'm gonna pass.
00:36:36That's funny.
00:36:36But by the time we get there, it won't even cause you that much anxiety.
00:36:41At the beginning, it could be, yeah, you go somewhere that you don't typically want to go to with your
00:36:47kids.
00:36:48Um, we'll start off small, Tiffany.
00:36:50Next time I see you, this is all we're gonna do is come up with exposures.
00:36:52Do we actually do them?
00:36:55Or do we just talk?
00:36:55Yeah, you'll do, you'll do exposures.
00:36:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:58That's what you're gonna be doing is exposure therapy.
00:37:00Everything you're afraid to do, you're gonna do, but in a hierarchical basis.
00:37:03It's challenging, but manageable.
00:37:05Okay.
00:37:06See, now I get these.
00:37:08Yeah.
00:37:13I think that the broad statement that comedians are miserable or dark, I've met a lot of, you know, not
00:37:21completely well-adjusted funny people.
00:37:24I mean, stand-ups are different than sketch people.
00:37:26They're different than people who work with other people.
00:37:29You know, stand-ups are very specific.
00:37:31They're sort of, you know, lone rangers out there.
00:37:35You know, they're, you know, they do their own thing.
00:37:37They're not really social animals necessarily, except with other stand-ups.
00:37:41But in terms of problems and, you know, alcoholism, anxiety, you know, negative ruminations, darkness.
00:37:49I don't know.
00:37:49I imagine, like, if you were really to sort of do some sort of survey of, you know, plumbers or
00:37:55teachers or whatever,
00:37:56I don't know that the numbers would be that different.
00:38:09It's a wonderful thing, though, you know, to have family, to have kids.
00:38:12You know, like, two of my kids, I wanted to take them out, but, you know, their stepdad was doing
00:38:18a better job, so I didn't want to interfere.
00:38:21Other professions, mental health may not have been a big topic, but in comedy, comedians talk about it on stage.
00:38:28That's what comedy has always done, right?
00:38:30De-stigmatizing things by going up there and saying, this is okay to talk about.
00:38:35You ever in your room, it just smells like loneliness, you know, you're just laying there.
00:38:39I don't think I ever met anybody as smart as turning everything they have their pain to, making people laugh.
00:38:50Some of them, they're bleeding on the stage.
00:38:54I was a comedian first, and I saw The Laugh Factory in 1979.
00:38:59Being around the comic, many of them, they're like my own family. I love them.
00:39:03Jamie had seen so many incredibly talented people sacrifice so much for what could be a very uncertain future
00:39:12and then get to an incredible level of success and still have anxiety, substance abuse, depression, and for some, suicide.
00:39:21I think seeing your friends have to go through that can wear on a person.
00:39:26I realized I gotta do something.
00:39:29And he told me, he was like, I'm thinking of offering free psychological services to the comedians.
00:39:33So I had referred Dr. Tabori to Jamie. I thought she'd be a good fit.
00:39:38What was presented to me was to provide treatment for the comedians, psychological treatment for the comedians,
00:39:43because they needed more support than what Jamie could provide.
00:39:49There is still that stigma attached to talking to somebody about it, but that is the one thing that is
00:39:55going to make you feel better,
00:39:57is starting to talk to somebody about it and recognizing how normal your experience is in the world.
00:40:04Thank you very much. You're very kind.
00:40:16I literally nurtured, fed, clothed, and educated my anxiety as if it was my own child.
00:40:29And so why am I surprised that it has such power over me when I have given it so much?
00:40:35And so being able to co-exist with it in a kind of a way, it's almost like thinking about
00:40:41like,
00:40:42it's a shadow self, it's another, it's a clone that I have to reabsorb into myself.
00:40:49And so thinking about it like that helps me kind of not let it have all the power over me.
00:40:57Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:41:03What's up, man? Good to see you, man.
00:41:06I actually just started going to therapy.
00:41:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:41:11I'm just kind like, I need to fix this.
00:41:14This is, especially now, like, I'm at a point where I need to take more responsibility of my life, you
00:41:22know?
00:41:22I feel like I'm being really sensitive.
00:41:24yeah because I see you as like a brother you know like us like a sibling
00:41:27essentially but like you're the big you're the big bro hey I try to do yeah
00:41:31it's not that something is wrong with you said that there's a pattern yeah
00:41:34that no longer serves you mmm and that's in your way and that's still a healthy
00:41:39way to see it yeah I'm a very like dude why would you do that dude I mean you
00:41:42did it again you know what I mean I'm older than you and I've been doing this
00:41:45for longer yeah I still have I'm saying like yeah it doesn't just magically know
00:41:48you're always gonna be working on it yeah and it's like everyone had been
00:41:53telling me to go to therapy for a long time and I was like nah like you said
00:41:56that's white people you know what I mean and I was just like you know like and my
00:42:02mom would tell me that like you don't want to do that stuff because it'll be on
00:42:06your record she told me that from like a long time ago and I believed it but then
00:42:11she's like when you want to get a real job that's gonna really affect you and
00:42:15but I'm like I'm a comedian now like mmm like no matter what this isn't gonna
00:42:21affect me at all this no one's gonna be like you're a comedian I go to therapy
00:42:24but we can't hire you it's like they're gonna be like you're coming to go to
00:42:28therapy thank God thank God we needed someone to have a little bit of self
00:42:31awareness in here whose water is that that's yours all right I'm taking it I had to ask
00:42:40for one not bad uh-oh did you get one oh yeah all right it's just the whole time you're
00:42:45just
00:42:45going like is it by doing this right is this good I'm bored are they bored uh I'm just worried
00:42:50the whole time like is this going well dude it's my jet lag is all fucked up I heard you
00:42:55say once a
00:42:55long time ago yeah you said you put your feet up on the wall I tried that yeah yeah we're
00:43:01gonna
00:43:01start now okay sure sure you look great I was about to sing but I guess I'll wait comics have
00:43:09a ton
00:43:09of anxiety because as you can see they're all in their head that's why we're calm we analyze we sit
00:43:15there and think about stuff and then we're thinking about thinking and then we're thinking
00:43:19about what we're thinking and it just piles on and piles on that's why I can't smoke weed
00:43:23because I'll just go in this wormhole or I just want to kill myself I'll be walking on the stage
00:43:29my brain's going boy you're gonna bomb this this is gonna be bad you suck you suck you're not gonna
00:43:33be able to get out of this one good luck you loser and I gotta go shut up and then
00:43:38hey everybody
00:43:38how are you comedy confidence fake you know I know what I'm doing people always say what you're an
00:43:51introvert you're a comedian how does that work you're anxious well because I'm on a stage saying
00:43:56exactly what I want to say exactly what I've been practicing it's honed I know it works and then you
00:44:02can't talk and then I get to leave everybody works out their muscles when I work out your emotions I'll
00:44:07be hanging out with a friend you know he's like all right man take it easy I'm gonna go work
00:44:11on arms
00:44:11and back I'm like cool I'm gonna go work on letting go of the past and accepting love I don't
00:44:16know if
00:44:16you're getting out your anxiety by being a stand-up but it still is an outlet you have this weird
00:44:22high for like a few minutes after you kind of feel like hey this is pretty good but then you
00:44:28go
00:44:28right back to normal life like a friend from high school hey I'm in New York I'm gonna come to
00:44:36your
00:44:36show tonight let's hang out after I'm like come to the show but I don't hang out after the hang
00:44:40out
00:44:40after party that's where I'm like oh that's brutal morning are you guys ready
00:45:14morning lots of people in Florida ride their golf carts to take the kids to school I used to
00:45:23make fun of those people actually I agree you're right that was me I'm sorry hold on I'm sorry I'm
00:45:34sorry how you doing hi good how are you good good good have a seat okay oh sorry should I
00:45:40shut that
00:45:41all those apologies sorry for never mind I'm not sorry good to see you good to see you okay so
00:45:52the
00:45:52purpose of the exposures isn't to get rid of anxiety exposures are increasing your tolerance of anxiety
00:45:58anxiety you will continue to have intrusive thoughts like the rest of us but the idea is
00:46:04that the intrusive thoughts while they might spark some short-term anxiety they don't dictate your
00:46:08behaviors you are learning that if you don't respond to your anxiety and the intrusive thoughts
00:46:15that um your brain will learn that there's really no threat okay the thoughts will become less
00:46:20threatening over time right make sense yes your most common compulsions at this time
00:46:27would be avoidance the mother of them all all right you're doing other behaviors such as
00:46:32information seeking reassurance seeking you're checking like checking your kids and yeah and then
00:46:37all the sorries that you say and all that people pleasing that's all um compulsions like you say a lot
00:46:43of sorries I'll have you to actually start tracking your sorries today including some of these other
00:46:47compulsions and I'll show you how to start tracking them okay so when you do exposures we're doing it to
00:46:52increase that level of uncertainty again we're purposely making you more anxious in the short term
00:46:58I why am I like this I don't know what's wrong like we have any I don't know I'm crying
00:47:02I think
00:47:02it's the idea that I'm not going to be in control anymore is what you're already not in control
00:47:07I'd like to think that I am yeah but the realization that I'm wrong about that makes me emotional
00:47:13exposures are odd so it's okay to be emotional this is weird all right okay so I've got some exposures
00:47:21already written like simple to come up with but difficult to do yeah what would it be for you to
00:47:26just
00:47:26write the statement maybe my kids will die that's why are we starting there that's excessive um just
00:47:34write it just to write that line maybe my kids will die maybe or my kids will die maybe very
00:47:40uncomfortable okay drink after your husband nope do you kiss him yeah with tongue right yeah so how's
00:47:49that different from the drinking after him for you and your brain I know what's the differentiation
00:47:55I think because I'm not drinking bits of his food when I kiss him like and it feels like I'll
00:48:03have
00:48:03him like snack on crackers no I can't listen he will never get a kiss from me again
00:48:11earlier earlier at the session I had to write over and over and over and over again
00:48:20maybe my kids will die today no way that's extreme I know okay over and over and over again and
00:48:31she
00:48:31wants me to do it five times a day and she wants me to get more and more specific about
00:48:36the manner of
00:48:38death as I go on well she's a professional so
00:48:49while I'm trying to write this I'm thinking about the kitchen exploding and my kids getting
00:48:53hit by cars outside playing basketball simultaneously so it feels like I'm in one of those 1970s like
00:48:59torture experiments at the moment so if you notice anything that's what that is
00:49:22I'm looking at my impacted wisdom tooth and trying to see if there's anything in there and if there
00:49:29is to kind of pull it out because it's I have to try to keep it clean but there's like
00:49:33a space
00:49:35in there and it makes my gum stick out and I can feel it in my tongue and it's really
00:49:41annoying but
00:49:42now I'm going to finally have it taken out so but I've been doing this for 20 times a day
00:49:50for three
00:49:50years it's been an obsession these are 40 pounds each if anyone asks
00:50:06don't worry I could do this all day
00:50:12want some of that
00:50:21I mean I really need a vacuum this is a problem
00:50:25my anxiety is manifested in so many different ways it's crazy like I thought I was going blind for a
00:50:32while I thought I had I would have all these chest pains I thought I've had cancer probably 85 different
00:50:37times I can go through all of my photos of my life all my travel and I can point and
00:50:43go that day in Paris I
00:50:46was worried about my eye was twitching or that day in London that was when my tooth was hurting so
00:50:52I'll have something I always pick something to kind of obsess about here's my wedding my
00:50:56wedding during my wedding I had just had two root canals down where I hadn't had the final crowns put
00:51:02on so
00:51:03I had temporary crowns and then I was concerned that they were going to come out and my food during
00:51:08the
00:51:08wedding so my actual wedding was marred with anxiety even with that spectacular Ted Baker suit
00:51:16this is what I discovered about marriage I feel like marriage is basically two people maneuvering
00:51:21around each other's mental illness
00:51:26right like you just have to find somebody that has the right mental illness for your mental illness
00:51:31in my relationship like my wife has been frustrated especially when I was dealing with panic attacks
00:51:35because which is actually good again my therapist she can kind of limit my anxiety because I'm
00:51:40worrying and worrying and worrying talking and talking about what I'm worried about and she's
00:51:43like I don't know what to do I can't I don't know what else to do and it you kind
00:51:47of go oh Jesus I'm
00:51:48gonna lose my wife if I don't stop so it actually it's kind of nice because sometimes you need that
00:51:52because it puts a cap on it because you're like oh god I'm ruining people's day here and this could
00:51:58cost me a relationship if I keep I got to kind of get this in hand my wife is sweet
00:52:03sometimes I feel like
00:52:03she doesn't even know me though I was on the road recently and I couldn't sleep because I had
00:52:06anxiety so I called her at home and I was like I'm having trouble sleeping and she's so sweet she
00:52:10was like uh have you tried masturbating I was like that is adorable that you thought that I hadn't
00:52:16thought to masturbate hate the small talk two things I can't do small talk and eye contact how sad is
00:52:25that
00:52:25you know I basically have all the traits of a serial killer just without the ambition
00:52:29I'm working on it people I say mark gotta be more confident they say mark gotta be yourself I'm
00:52:34like well you gotta pick one I can't do both of those I've had quick instances of dating people
00:52:44where they were not anxious and it it's too it's too hard every girl I would go on a date
00:52:54would be
00:52:54like you're so awkward god you're so awkward and I'm like all right I don't know what to do like
00:52:59you think that helps you saying that it's not gonna make me all the sudden suave and and confident
00:53:04you know so like that always annoyed me but I think every now and then you meet like that one
00:53:08girl
00:53:09out of 50 who likes the awkward guy this is May from Massachusetts so I did a show at the
00:53:20stand and
00:53:22some joke really you remembered and you emailed me we'll back up a little bit so I went to the
00:53:28comedy show and then I don't know then mark got on stage and I was like whoa I was like
00:53:33he's super
00:53:34cute I like it's what he's saying I think we made eye contact yeah oh that was the joke it's
00:53:39just too
00:53:40uh intense I feel it too much it's uh I look someone in the eye I'm like I guess we're
00:53:45in love
00:53:46now you know it's too much contact I can't take it it bothers me I messaged you on Facebook the
00:53:52next
00:53:52morning yeah and um and I was like we made eye contact more than once so I take it we're
00:53:57in love
00:53:57now yeah pretty good line pretty good she's incredibly anxious which is nice but she has
00:54:06crazy anxiety but she's not an introvert you have anxiety like what's gonna happen in the future oh
00:54:10exactly where the hell are we gonna be like existential and annoying than his is you know
00:54:15mine's more social right like every day I come home like what am I what if I never find my
00:54:19passion
00:54:19like we were just having a great night post-coital naked couch hugging watching some tv show and she
00:54:28was just like my anxiety's through the roof and I was like what I'm going I'm this is great what
00:54:33are you talking about post-sex everything's good everybody orgasm naked we ate tv doors locked
00:54:41and she's like I'm just worried about you know my future and I'm like your future
00:54:48give him a little show
00:54:57you go for soup today
00:54:59let me go to what's that place by your house
00:55:04um the place that I get samples all the time
00:55:06yeah yeah and then promptly leave without buying anything
00:55:08uh-huh true I have to document what we're gonna do you have to help me with an exposure if
00:55:14you don't
00:55:14mind can you come back over here lick your hand and then put it from palm to fingertips from palm
00:55:23to
00:55:23fingertips you can wash your hand if you want no okay he did it I can see the spit okay
00:55:30good now touch
00:55:31touch it and then lick your hand wear it
00:55:33wear it
00:55:34I love you I don't push my hand down
00:55:38now you lick it
00:55:39I have to
00:55:39oh really yeah
00:55:45welcome to exposure therapy
00:55:47I want to see tongue to hand
00:55:49like it's not you I promise it's the idea of licking spit
00:55:54all right well don't let it dry come on now thank you all right five times a day good work
00:55:59we have to do that five times a day
00:56:01okay you don't want me to touch you
00:56:08my wife says I dissociate when we have sometimes hard talks like hard relationship talks I start to I literally
00:56:16look at the clock and start staring at the clock and then just as if my body is melting I
00:56:21just slowly but slowly kind of just my chest caves in and my head comes down and I won't speak
00:56:27and she's like are you okay you okay it's
00:56:31super convenient for a relationship for when you want to say something to your husband and he
00:56:38he goes into the doldrums for 30 minutes at the simple things really easy stuff to manage
00:56:48always trying to get better I'm a weirdo that's why I drink big fan of the booze I got a
00:56:52cut
00:56:52back I actually got let go from a job once for being drunk at work
00:56:57my boss called me and he goes get in here Mark it's clear you're a high functioning alcoholic I was
00:57:02like wow
00:57:02how do you know I was also high
00:57:05totally self-medicating with the drinking I enjoy beer like I like a glass of beer I like a scotch
00:57:12but there's definitely a point where I go all right I'm pretty buzzed I could stop and I just keep
00:57:16going
00:57:17because you're like well this feels good why not keep going and then you're blacked out then you wet the
00:57:20bed and then you're married in Vegas
00:57:22I drank that's how I self-medicated I was an alcoholic I mean I am an alcoholic I'm in recovery
00:57:27but I drank
00:57:30an exceptional amount because that felt like I can sort of drown this or drink it away and you feel
00:57:36now I'm confident and less worried in your mind and then when you're hungover like alcohol is a depressant
00:57:41which you're not really aware of or keeping in mind you're just sort of drinking because it feels like
00:57:47it's making you happy but then you're just dumping a depressant on top of depression anxiety and
00:57:53insecurity I mean I genuinely think if comedy didn't exist as an art form I don't I mean I might
00:58:00literally have killed myself I mean I was dealing with such anxiety and panic and depression and I had
00:58:07that thing to go to and and I don't know yeah it's definitely been a a huge part of who
00:58:15I am and
00:58:15it helped me through it there's a lot of things I don't give a shit about that I used to
00:58:20that were
00:58:20big anxiety producing things and I think with age and and certainly with money a lot of that stuff is
00:58:26sort of like just null and void and it's a relief but then you you know you start to get
00:58:33into deeper
00:58:34issues like why am I still not enjoying myself why am I you know still like you know feeling like
00:58:39less than or uncomfortable in certain situations what is that about so we are going to the fair
00:58:50usually I probably would hang back at the house but I am going to challenge myself to go and not
00:59:03and in the words of Natalie bite my tongue I've seen a lot of videos of fair rides flying off
00:59:10and
00:59:10killing me um but the likelihood of that happening is very small so I'm going to try and go and
00:59:19have
00:59:19a good time so first things first updates we were emailing each other over the weekend because you were
00:59:26going to the fair and that was causing you some anxiety just right off the bat we're just jumping
00:59:30right into it why not why not I was ready for pleasantries but we can just um I I did
00:59:39okay
00:59:39at the fair and then my kids wanted to go on this ride that I had seen a video you
00:59:44might have seen it
00:59:45but the ride was um it goes like this in a circle really fast it was starting to fall back
00:59:51and everybody
00:59:52at the fair had to come and jump on the railing to counterbalance it and that's the ride my kids
00:59:58wanted to go on and so I was having a nervous breakdown I couldn't watch but then I was like
01:00:02that defeats the purpose so I forced myself to watch but I was miserable and I was snapping on my
01:00:08husband and he's like what's wrong with you and I'm like what do you mean what's wrong with me
01:00:16and as soon as they got off the ride that I was scared of Chloe said it was horrible Caden
01:00:20puked in a
01:00:21garbage can it was really rough for all of us and your kids could tell you were anxious at the
01:00:27fair
01:00:29yeah probably I I at that point yeah they could definitely tell for sure your kids come first
01:00:37throughout this entire process your kids come first it would have been fine if you walked away for a
01:00:42little bit until you you know felt a little bit better the anxiety went down a little bit better and
01:00:46then come back because at the end of the day we want to make sure that they're not seeing their
01:00:52mom anxious all the time and that they can enjoy themselves yeah that makes sense I thought I could
01:01:06I'm just tired of being scared all the time I'm just it's just it's exhausting yes I'm just being like
01:01:11I I'm scared that like I like this I'm this person's gonna be right I'm scared that I'm a failure
01:01:16I'm
01:01:16scared that I'm this that and the third I'm like I'm done with that yeah I'm just tired of that
01:01:21feeling
01:01:21I feel that I don't want that to be the thing that propels me forward in life well it's gotten
01:01:26me this
01:01:26far but I'm like I don't want that to be the thing anymore there is no like you're gonna everything's
01:01:32gonna magically click into place like a reverse Jenga where you find it you'll find the peace and then the
01:01:37tower builds itself off of that yeah you're always gonna be in some way actively involved in your own
01:01:45mental health you want to get better yeah like you know you want to you want to be a person
01:01:50that is
01:01:50no longer scared yeah and by the way when I say all these things I'm not saying it from a
01:01:54place of like
01:01:54I mastered it yeah yeah I figured it all out just do what I did I'm still in the in
01:02:00the grips of trying
01:02:01to figure it out myself I think I'm spiritual maybe I don't know yeah probably not like when
01:02:11did when did this question become so popular like I get it like three or four times a week hey
01:02:15are you
01:02:15meditating do you meditate it's like what's happening when did that why is everyone asking me that like
01:02:21does that happen to you or is it crazy like are you meditating like wait are you guys part of
01:02:25the
01:02:25same team why you at no I'm not fucking meditating but in all honesty I got to where you needed
01:02:30to be
01:02:31the one time I meditated successfully I cleared my mind I cleared my ego everything was open I hit that
01:02:37point of zen and all I could hear was my breath and my heart beating and right at that moment
01:02:44I thought
01:02:45this could fucking stop at any second let your attention go inward and notice if there's tension
01:02:58in your body notice the breathing sometimes it helps to take a long deep slow in breath counting to
01:03:10four or five and then a slow out-breath counting to four or five and do it a few rounds
01:03:19so that when
01:03:20you inhale you're kind of filling your chest and lungs and with the out-breath it's slow enough so
01:03:27you can feel the sensations of letting go that's right letting go so as you now bring your attention to
01:03:39scanning your life and sensing that situation that most triggers a reaction recognizing whatever's predominant
01:03:56well I think it's a desire for peace a feeling of peace for myself and for my family and people
01:04:07I love
01:04:08I guess there's a lot of pain there fear and pain anger can you just let them be here for
01:04:17now
01:04:20and begin to investigate what is it you're believing that kind of makes you feel stuck makes you feel
01:04:31anxious makes you feel angry well it feels like everybody I've ever met is seeing and judging me
01:04:38which I feel strange to say but that's in there somehow
01:04:47all right let's do a word short okay um biggest fear of where your kids are gonna die
01:04:53most freaking life ruining one is choking and me not being able to heimlich them okay or getting kidnapped
01:05:02we'll do the choking okay and where would they choke would this be in public or at home like what's
01:05:07most of the image in your head home okay oh god any of them when I'm not home nobody else
01:05:13watches them
01:05:14like I know it's better if you see them die for this and for the for the worry script it's
01:05:19just much
01:05:19more impactful if you like see it all right I just don't even want to know where this is going
01:05:25all right let me write this up real quick
01:05:33so the point isn't that we get rid of discomfort or all anxiety it's just so that it your brain
01:05:40becomes
01:05:40a bit bored with the thoughts that you keep having like choking and then therefore it doesn't rule
01:05:46your life so five times a day you got to read that repeatedly read out loud I'm screaming Chloe's name
01:05:53she's thrashing around on the ground by the kitchen table with her hands around her throat
01:05:59I see that there's still part of a hot dog on a plate from lunch I ask her if she
01:06:03ate a hot dog she
01:06:04can't respond I run to get the choker from the drawer fuck my hands are shaking too much
01:06:10to use it I look at Chloe and a single tear goes down her cheek I tell her I love
01:06:16her
01:06:19you got this let's just continue to read you got this me love you to write that well but it's
01:06:25not
01:06:26on purpose I hope you know that the worry script is you think about what your fear is and if
01:06:32it's
01:06:32put in a paragraph form the whole point of worry script is to burn out whatever fear somebody has
01:06:37right whether it's somebody drowning in a pool whether it's something well for some people it's
01:06:41like getting fired or going broke whatever fear somebody has where we can't do an in vivo exposure
01:06:46we got to do a worry script did you hear any of that yeah uh so you don't allow the
01:06:54kids to be alone
01:06:55ever no okay good so I want you to leave the kids alone at least once a day where you
01:06:59go shower
01:07:00do so or read a book this is dangerous and if you don't improve on this the impact this is
01:07:07gonna
01:07:07have on your kids is dangerous so every day there needs to be at some instance where the kids are
01:07:14left alone like how long typically until your anxiety goes down okay but I can I tell them not to
01:07:20I always if
01:07:21I have to run no instructions no it's not eating no instructions I don't even think they'll let me be
01:07:29alone I'm gonna go upstairs for a couple of minutes okay hey guys I'm gonna go upstairs for a couple
01:07:41of
01:07:41minutes okay okay okay because I have to do something okay all right love you
01:08:00um so they could give two ships literally first time I said it they just ignored me
01:08:08and then I was like hey guys go and they're like fine I don't think they're old enough to be
01:08:15on their
01:08:16own really but it sounds like they're fine
01:08:30let me fix this board
01:08:34okay so that's you know what that's fine
01:08:40don't my laundry piles there so let's
01:08:46I can hear them talking so I like that
01:08:56it's
01:08:59really weird I'm there there's nothing on my I'm just clicking buttons because I can't focus
01:09:07just be relaxed just casual
01:09:12I don't know what to read
01:09:16my anxiety stopped me from having children
01:09:22but I'm not sad about it my panic and and worry level is it operates in such a way that
01:09:30it just
01:09:30would not it just seems like a nightmare to me I lock up the house I turn off the lights
01:09:36I'm about
01:09:36to go to bed and out on the front porch I hear yeah yeah yeah and I'm like what and
01:09:44I go pull the
01:09:44curtain back and there's this little like two-month-old black kitten sitting there
01:09:52that's the proper response that is not the response I had my response was dog fuck
01:10:05now I gotta fucking love you now
01:10:10okay little baby my quarantine baby my quarantine baby
01:10:18I'm very embarrassed my cat has been diagnosed with anxiety I'm like
01:10:22it is my fault it must be it just can't be that he's anxious too somehow
01:10:27I went to the vet and they were like he's a nervous boy and I was like why and I
01:10:34think that
01:10:35he just is like that I think he was born that way he's so cute he's horrible though
01:10:41I had to give him up an anti-anxiety pill and now he's like flopping around I'm like god I
01:10:51need
01:10:51one of these but I don't because they knock me out I have never taken pills consistently but I
01:11:02mean I definitely would try a medication that I knew wouldn't change like the fabric of who I am but
01:11:10calmed my thoughts I haven't really dove into like learning about that but I would
01:11:21I like this noise I find it soothing
01:11:28I was on Paxil for a couple years and I just didn't want to be on it anymore I feel
01:11:36like a lot
01:11:37of these things can be combated through therapy and acceptance and meditation and stuff and a lot
01:11:45can't I want to dismiss people that because certainly there's people that need medication
01:11:50it's changed their lives so I don't want to be anti-medicine I just personally didn't want to be
01:11:54part of that there's definitely been times where I'm like I should be on medication this is a problem
01:12:00but I've gotten through it there is no way to pick up pills that you've spilled on the ground
01:12:08without looking like a total human red flag you know there's just no way to be like oh
01:12:19oh this is what I meant to do and everything is going great I'm on primarily antidepressants but
01:12:29they all are ones that also help with anxiety I have friends who like are very anti-medication
01:12:37and stuff but for me at least personally I was like well if I don't take medication I won't even
01:12:43be able to like show up to be funny so I think it's not as much of an option for
01:12:49me
01:12:57that's the worst part Chloe stares at me frightened like she's pleading for help
01:13:03when I read it in the office I wanted to die I cried like a kid and now reading it
01:13:09it doesn't
01:13:09feel the same as it did because I already have I already know what's coming did you habituate to
01:13:15the worry script habituate meaning oh yeah you were to write it now does it seem stupid
01:13:22it was day two when I habituated to the worries I couldn't feel anything I'm trying to relax more
01:13:30it's hard I got into Buddhism I'm like a Buddhist sort of I read a Buddhist book you know it
01:13:34wasn't
01:13:34a book it was a meme if I'm being honest with you guys but I like to say book you
01:13:39sound smarter when
01:13:39you say you read a book but memes are more they're preferable they're more succinct you know
01:13:44this is what it said in a good quote it said let negative thoughts come into your head
01:13:48but don't serve them tea
01:13:53because you don't want your negative thoughts lingering around drinking tea
01:13:58that's like the analogy I guess my negative thoughts aren't drinking tea
01:14:01mine are doing cocaine that's a better analogy
01:14:04my negative thoughts are like climate change is going to make the world uninhabitable
01:14:07tomorrow I'm like oh fuck Jesus
01:14:14recall the initial situation that triggered you
01:14:21so you're including that in your awareness
01:14:24and just sense whatever wants to unfold from that
01:14:29just notice what happens
01:14:33I guess just a feeling of
01:14:37there's um
01:14:40I can't solve
01:14:42these other people's
01:14:44uh problems and that's okay
01:14:49I do feel less
01:14:50angry and anxious about it and more just
01:14:52aware of it
01:14:54maybe it's sad
01:14:56as opposed to angry and fearful
01:15:00okay so
01:15:03notice the possibility of
01:15:06in some way honoring sad
01:15:08you know okay this too
01:15:10it's sad
01:15:13the hardest thing in the world
01:15:14is to be with the feelings we don't want to be with
01:15:22and the more you get familiar with it
01:15:24the more you get to inhabit it really
01:15:30feel free to open your eyes and move around and all that
01:15:35welcome back
01:15:36oh thank you
01:15:38yeah
01:15:39um
01:15:41yeah it felt
01:15:42intense
01:15:44I get it
01:15:45yeah
01:15:47um
01:15:49yeah I don't know
01:15:50it feels
01:15:51it feels good
01:15:52you know it's not meant to be like
01:15:54you know check got that one work
01:15:56you know this is
01:15:57you're getting more
01:15:58awake to yourself
01:15:59right
01:16:01yeah no it was
01:16:02good and towards the end there
01:16:04I did feel
01:16:06positive and
01:16:08more that feeling of
01:16:09no I'm a good
01:16:11person you know
01:16:12and I don't have to feel these negative feelings so much
01:16:15you know
01:16:15you have to kind of
01:16:17almost like you're sifting through a jungle
01:16:19you have to hack at these
01:16:20different weeds and stuff
01:16:22that are in the way
01:16:23to get to the treasure
01:16:24of whatever it is that
01:16:26you are actually feeling
01:16:27whatever it is that is the real hole
01:16:30the real um
01:16:33piece of you that you feel is broken or missing or wrong
01:16:37that you are trying to avoid
01:16:39you can come say hi real quick if you'd like
01:16:42hey
01:16:43hi
01:16:44we're gonna try to get you to do more fun things
01:16:47yeah
01:16:47so that mommy isn't so scared all the time
01:16:50why do you think mommy gets scared
01:16:52because you don't want me to get hurt
01:16:54yeah
01:16:56but nobody wants anybody to get hurt
01:16:59and we still just have to do things right Chloe
01:17:01yeah he's the scaredest one in our family
01:17:04well that's changing
01:17:06that's changing quickly
01:17:07all right I'll be out soon I love you
01:17:09all
01:17:10cool
01:17:11all right bye
01:17:13I'm not gonna do it
01:17:15bye
01:17:19it's not like you love your children more than other people love their children
01:17:22I don't know
01:17:23don't confuse anxiety with love
01:17:25don't confuse those two
01:17:28whoa let me write that down
01:17:31that was deep
01:17:37the amount I stress over them does not
01:17:41it's not equal
01:17:43fair and helpful
01:17:47therapists always give me like little assignments
01:17:49like I'll be like this guy hates me
01:17:50I know he hates me
01:17:51I don't know how to act around him
01:17:53because I can't be myself
01:17:54and I can't be comfortable
01:17:55and he's like just go ask him
01:17:56and I'm like what are you crazy
01:17:57I can't do that
01:17:58you can't ask a guy if he hates you
01:17:59if he hates you
01:18:00and he was like just ask him
01:18:01so I would be like
01:18:02okay
01:18:03and I would go up to him and be like
01:18:04you hate me
01:18:04and they would always be like
01:18:05what?
01:18:05no I don't even think about you
01:18:07and he would say stuff like
01:18:08stop putting thoughts in other people's heads
01:18:11and if you do
01:18:12you gotta just drop it
01:18:13yeah I think I've been trying to work on my brain on my own
01:18:16I found out my therapist is raising her rates
01:18:19um yes
01:18:20so I guess I'm cured
01:18:23very exciting
01:18:26thank you
01:18:29sometimes you don't realize how close you are to a breakthrough
01:18:32and then there it is
01:18:33I think growth works in mysterious ways
01:18:38it's hard to exist with it
01:18:40but I think weirdly it
01:18:43even when it's gotten really bad
01:18:45like I know I've been able to get through things with it
01:18:49so I think in that sense
01:18:52that's like what keeps me going
01:18:53where it's like
01:18:54oh but you've been here before
01:18:55like you know your way out
01:18:57even if it feels like particularly terrible today
01:19:01like you've gotten through it before
01:19:04so that sort of keeps me grounded
01:19:12everything in life is accepted
01:19:13to accept that this is your situation
01:19:16you have it
01:19:17and that immediately alleviates
01:19:19is to go yeah I'm anxious
01:19:20but that's okay
01:19:20just accept that you're anxious right now
01:19:23or accept that you're afraid of that activity
01:19:25or accept that you're mad at somebody
01:19:28those are all okay
01:19:28instead of just going
01:19:30god I'm mad at that person
01:19:31I shouldn't be mad
01:19:32I should be happy
01:19:33and enough of getting rid of those
01:19:35I should feel this way
01:19:36and just say no I do feel this way
01:19:38that's okay
01:19:40I just like you know
01:19:41it's like what do we think we're gonna do
01:19:43like if you're incapacitated
01:19:44and your life is unmanageable
01:19:47for whatever reason
01:19:48you know you should fix that
01:19:50if you're uncomfortable but you're okay
01:19:52that might just be you
01:19:58I think I would like to find more moments of calm
01:20:01I definitely feel far from experiencing like calm a lot of the time
01:20:07but I think I've had my anxiety for long enough
01:20:11that I'm starting to understand
01:20:13when my body's sending off like fire alarms
01:20:16and it's not real
01:20:17and I'm like okay
01:20:19that's what you're experiencing
01:20:21because you're worried about this outcome
01:20:23that is super not likely to happen
01:20:27all right so when do you want to do the sleepover
01:20:29we'll have to make a firm plan of when it's going to be
01:20:31I'll start really giving it some thought
01:20:33I definitely don't feel the same way
01:20:37at the thought of it as I once did
01:20:39I feel like the first time we talked about it
01:20:41I'm pretty sure I cried
01:20:43and now the idea isn't
01:20:47doesn't invoke those emotions for me
01:20:49yeah I don't think it will be that bad
01:20:55please give a warm welcome to Mark Norman
01:21:02hey hey comedy good to be here
01:21:05I love a roof gig
01:21:07this goes horribly I can just jump right off
01:21:12doing good I'm in therapy drinking less
01:21:14career's going all right
01:21:16so yeah everything's kicked up a notch
01:21:19in the positive world
01:21:20but who knows
01:21:21could all go to hell tomorrow
01:21:31oh yeah
01:21:33it's gonna be awesome
01:21:38this is my wife Sarah
01:21:41my best bud
01:21:43my main man
01:21:44like I said this to my therapist once
01:21:46where I was like I feel great
01:21:47I feel like I don't even need to be here anymore
01:21:48and he's like well
01:21:49I would say you are not done with therapy
01:21:52and then of course uh you know a week later
01:21:54I'm like
01:21:55gah
01:21:55losing my mind
01:21:59give it up for Joey
01:22:07so my so my son was at the next door neighbor's house playing
01:22:12and he just called his dad
01:22:14his dad had it on speaker
01:22:18and Keenan was like dad
01:22:19can I stay the night at Alexander's
01:22:22and then his dad said we gotta ask your mom
01:22:26and I said yes
01:22:29I said yeah
01:22:31and on the other end of the phone
01:22:32I heard both boys say
01:22:36yes
01:22:39and I've never heard my son that excited before
01:22:42like granted it's next door
01:22:44right
01:22:44and granted his friend's dad is a police officer
01:22:50but I'm just saying uh
01:22:52Caden's having his first sleepover tonight
01:22:56ever
01:22:57I just I just wanna feel good
01:23:02I just wanna feel good
01:23:04I just wanna feel good
01:23:08Can you teach me how to feel good
01:23:11I just wanna feel good
01:23:14I just wanna
01:23:15I just wanna feel good
01:23:17Give me specific directions
01:23:21On how I can feel good
01:23:23I just want to
01:23:25I just want to feel good
01:23:27I'm not even close to kidding
01:23:30Write it in an email
01:23:33I just want to
01:23:34I just want to feel good
01:24:06I just want to feel good
01:24:07I just want to feel good
01:24:37I just want to feel good
01:25:07I just want to feel good
01:25:37I just want to feel good
Comments