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TVTranscript
00:31Honey, I'm home.
00:56All right, next, baby.
00:58Put it on the table.
01:00Oh, great elder, by what name do you call this child?
01:03I decree that henceforth this child shall be called, uh, Joshua.
01:10Joshua!
01:12Next!
01:13Oh, jeez, friend, this is so embarrassing.
01:15He's so much older than the other kids.
01:17How could we have forgotten to get our kid a name?
01:19It's been a busy year, Earl.
01:21First, you had to learn the mating dance.
01:23Then mother moved in.
01:24Then the kids got that pet caveman.
01:26Then there was Robbie's howling.
01:28Then Charlene's tail grew in.
01:30Then we all went on that game show.
01:32It seems like nearly every week...
01:33I know, I know.
01:34But it's still no excuse.
01:36We should have realized we were just calling him baby all the time.
01:39Move it!
01:41Earl?
01:42No, sorry.
01:44Oh, great elder.
01:46By what name do you call this child?
01:49Give me a good one.
01:50I decree that henceforth this child shall be called...
01:57Spit it out.
01:59I'm waiting.
02:01Stop!
02:03Ah, Hug.
02:05I'm dying, you idiot.
02:08I'm dying, you idiot.
02:12Hug, I'm dying, you idiot.
02:14Next!
02:16This is a DNN special report.
02:18It is a solemn day as the nation mourns the loss of our chief elder.
02:23Our beloved elder died almost immediately after naming this child...
02:27Hug, Hug, I'm dying, you idiot, Sinclair.
02:30Gee, Earl, what is that?
02:32One of those new trendy names?
02:35Within minutes of the chief elder's death,
02:37one candidate had stepped forward to nominate himself for the post.
02:4042-year-old B.P. Richfield of the We Say So Corporation,
02:44who had this to say.
02:45Get in here, you chucks of filth!
02:47Eh, he's gonna need a better slogan than that.
02:50Now!
02:51Hey!
02:52Hey!
02:54You bellowed, my captain!
02:56As most of you inbred green garbage probably heard,
03:00there's going to be an election for elder,
03:02and I've decided to run!
03:05Well, my delight is limited only by my absolute terror, sir.
03:09Unfortunately, my handlers tell me I have a personality problem.
03:14I can't imagine what that could be, sir.
03:16I'm speaking!
03:17Right?
03:18Apparently, the big money interests who control my party
03:21feel like I come off a bit, uh, abrasive on TV.
03:25Oh, no, no, no, no.
03:27No, no, no, no.
03:27There's no way you were brain at all.
03:28Fortunately, the big money interests who control my party
03:31also control the other party.
03:34So, all I gotta do is find an opposing candidate
03:38so utterly pathetic and profoundly stupid
03:42that I can't help but win.
03:44Question is, which one do I choose?
03:48This is an embarrassment of riches.
03:51But who's the stupidest?
03:54All right, come on, who is it?
03:57All right, the next one to say something asinine
04:01has to run against me.
04:05How asinine does it have to be, sir?
04:10Congratulations, Sinclair!
04:12You're nominated, ah!
04:16Let's do Robbie, Robbie, Robbie for Bobby,
04:19banana fanna for Bobby, me, my, my, my Bobby.
04:23Robbie!
04:24Yeah, now it's my turn.
04:26Okay.
04:28I'm dying, you idiot.
04:30I'm dying, you idiot.
04:32Mama, I'm dying, you idiot.
04:34Idiot, idiot.
04:36Oh, sorry.
04:38You know, Mom, I'm just afraid this name
04:40could be very traumatic for the baby.
04:42Oh, lots of kids have gotten bad names
04:45from the elder and gone on
04:46to live perfectly normal lives.
04:49Like your cousin, not you.
04:51I just remember when I was in school
04:53the way we used to tease poor little
04:55excuse me, Siegelman.
04:57Children can be so cruel.
05:00Excuse me, Siegelman.
05:02What a loser.
05:04Well, you can always apply for a new name
05:07from the chief elder just as soon as he's elected.
05:10Yes, Mother, but if Mr. Richfield wins the election,
05:13I just worry what kind of world we'll leave behind
05:15for poor little log-og I'm dying, you idiot.
05:19Hello, hello, family of mine.
05:21I have a bit of information
05:23that might be of interest to some of you.
05:25Today I heard the call of civic duty
05:27and announced my candidacy for chief elder.
05:29Wow.
05:30Earl, you're running against Mr. Richfield?
05:33Dad, that's really brave.
05:35Oh, look, family.
05:35The news is on.
05:37I think you'll find I'm on every channel.
05:41Ooh.
05:44My name is...
05:47Earl Sinclair.
05:48I am running for chief elder.
05:51In lieu of an acceptance speech,
05:52I would like to sing you a musical selection
05:55chosen especially for this occasion.
05:58You're gonna sing?
06:00Yeah.
06:00It was Mr. Richfield's idea.
06:02What?
06:17Is he really doing what I think he's doing?
06:21That's round instead of flat
06:24Whenever you hear boys whistle
06:27You're what they're whistling
06:30And it's wonderful to feel
06:33The way a woman feels
06:37It gives you such a glow
06:39Just to know
06:40You're wearing lipstick that heals
06:44Okay, kids.
06:46Let's pack.
06:49Hey, what do you want?
06:50That part's for a mezzo.
06:52Earl, what kind of speech is that?
06:54It's the one Mr. Richfield gave me.
06:55Mr. Richfield?
06:57But you're running against him.
06:58I know that.
06:59He chose me over all the other guys at work.
07:02You mean he picked you to lose?
07:04Of course.
07:05Son, under our system,
07:06a guy can't just muscle his way to the top
07:08without any opposition.
07:09We are required by our constitution
07:11to let the voters stink.
07:13They have a choice.
07:14That's democracy.
07:15Earl, how can you live with yourself
07:18helping Mr. Richfield get elected?
07:20Oh, I can live fine, friend.
07:22I can live just like a king.
07:24Don't have to go to work.
07:25Don't have to push down trees.
07:27All I have to do is run for elder
07:28and lose, lose, lose.
07:30Yeah.
07:36It's morning in Pangaea.
07:39But one dinosaur is already hard at work
07:41finding solutions for a better tomorrow.
07:44So, B.P. Richfield,
07:46whether running a multi-million dollar corporation,
07:49chopping wood like a regular guy,
07:53or sharing good cheer with the simple working folk,
07:57B.P. Richfield shows that he cares.
08:00All the guys at work see him as a member of the family.
08:02He comes to my house all the time.
08:04My wife calls him honey.
08:06My kids call him daddy.
08:08B.P. Richfield, he cares so much, it hurts.
08:15On tonight's Newsmaker interview,
08:17B.P. Richfield talks to her own venerable,
08:20revered senior commentator,
08:21Edward R. Hero.
08:23Edward?
08:23Thank you, Howard.
08:25Mr. Richfield, in the last 24 hours,
08:27your public image has undergone a radical transformation
08:30from a savage, bloodthirsty killer
08:32to a kinder, gentler B.P. Richfield.
08:35Isn't this just a shameless, cynical ploy
08:38to trick the public into loving you?
08:40Oh, Ed, not at all.
08:43By the way, did you get those flowers I sent you?
08:46Why, uh, yes.
08:47They're lovely.
08:50Oh, you're welcome.
08:52Mr. Richfield,
08:53I understand you favor heavy taxation for the poor
08:56and no taxes at all for the rich.
08:58That's right.
08:59I call it my trickle-down theory.
09:02See, rich folks tend to live in big houses
09:05on the tops of hills,
09:06and so if we give them all the money,
09:09some of it's bound to slip out of their pockets
09:11and roll down to where the poor folks are.
09:14I, I see.
09:16Mr. Richfield,
09:18you say you want to be the education elder,
09:20and yet you favor the repeal
09:23of all child labor laws.
09:25Absolutely.
09:27Children love to work.
09:28It's like a game to them,
09:29getting all dirty down in the we-say-so coal mine.
09:32And because they're small,
09:34you can fit more of them in a tight space.
09:37Why, your average six-year-old
09:39can work 18, 20 hours a day without rest.
09:42Friend?
09:43Robbie?
09:45Charlene?
09:46Oh.
09:47What's all this fuzzy stuff?
09:50Oh, wait a minute.
09:52Maybe this is a dream.
09:54Hmm?
09:56Oh, this is the cake dream.
10:01Oh, that'll be the centerfold girls.
10:06Fran, you're not supposed to be here.
10:09The centerfold girls aren't coming, Earl.
10:11Oh, but this is my cake dream.
10:13Your conscience is intruding, Earl.
10:15You know you don't deserve the cake dream.
10:18Come with me.
10:19Oh, jeez.
10:22Achoo!
10:22We live out here now, Earl.
10:24What happened to our house?
10:26We had to sell the house to buy food.
10:29Mr. Richfield lowered the minimum wage
10:30to two cents a day.
10:32Mr. Richfield?
10:33You mean he was elected?
10:35That's right, Earl.
10:36Oh, no!
10:38Mr. Richfield, there were things in the stock market today.
10:41Oh, starving!
10:42Give me food!
10:43Give me money!
10:44Give me shelter!
10:46These children living on the street are such a nuisance.
10:49Well, I understand.
10:50They wouldn't live in a house if you gave them one.
10:53Thanks for nothing!
10:54How are we ever going to feed the family?
10:56Hey, don't worry, Dad.
10:57I got it covered.
10:59Oh, bless you, son.
11:01Yeah.
11:01You brought us all food.
11:02Oh, that's not food, Dad.
11:03That's my pancreas.
11:05I can get good money for it at the hospital.
11:07Rob, what's that?
11:08My pancreas.
11:10Dad, I'm starving.
11:11Give it to me!
11:12Hey, hey, cut it out!
11:13Get your own!
11:14Come here!
11:15Oh, friend!
11:17How did all this happen?
11:18This is the life you've made for us, Earl.
11:21You should have listened to your conscience.
11:22Should have listened to your conscience.
11:24No.
11:24Should have listened to your conscience.
11:26Should have listened to your conscience.
11:29Oh, what is it?
11:31What is it, Earl?
11:33Fran?
11:34I can't do it, Fran.
11:35I can't let him win.
11:38I got to try and beat him.
11:40I'm the only hope for our nation's future.
11:49Yes.
11:50Earl Sinclair's campaign for elder has begun to turn itself around.
11:54After an astoundingly inane beginning, Sinclair has put the dinosaur community on notice
11:58that he is a candidate to be taken seriously.
12:01He will be speaking tonight from his modest suburban home with our own Edward R. Hero.
12:07Edward?
12:08Thank you, Howard.
12:09How are you tonight, Earl?
12:11Never better, Ed.
12:12Maybe a little bit nervous.
12:14Don't worry, Earl.
12:15Just a few simple questions.
12:17Relax and have fun with it.
12:19Okay.
12:21Over the last seven years, our nation's budget deficit has grown 46% from $220 billion to $372 billion.
12:29At the current growth rate of 12.3% per month, our deficit can be expected to reach a total
12:34of $436 billion by next year.
12:37What would you do about this disastrous situation?
12:42Mr. Sinclair?
12:44Mr. Sinclair?
12:46Uh, uh, he'll be right back.
12:50Well, I, uh...
12:52Take deep breaths, Pally Boy.
12:55Deep breaths.
12:57Oh, Roy, I can't do it.
12:59I just can't.
13:00Pull yourself together, Pally Boy.
13:02We're all counting on you.
13:03You gotta beat Mr. Richfield now.
13:06I know, but these questions are hard.
13:08He's gonna know I didn't study.
13:09This was so much easier when I was trying to lose.
13:12Easy does it there, Pally Boy.
13:14Here's a helpful hint from some of your more successful politicians.
13:18When you're asked a tough question, simply steer the conversation toward one of three safe topics.
13:24Love of family, love of country, and puppies.
13:28Oh, come on, Roy.
13:30That's so condescending.
13:31It's so cynical.
13:33Yeah.
13:34I refuse to sink that low.
13:36Mr. Sinclair, this country is presently running a massive budget deficit,
13:40which can only be addressed through the unpopular step of raising taxes.
13:44How would you deal with this politically explosive dilemma?
13:48Thanks for asking, Ed.
13:49My family is fine.
13:51Mr. Sinclair, I'm waiting for an answer.
13:54Do you see higher taxes ahead or not?
13:56Well, first there's my son, Robert, the oldest boy.
13:59He's quite a chip off the old block.
14:01Hey, how's the team doing this year, Rubbo?
14:04Huh?
14:04What team?
14:07And then there's little Charlene.
14:09She's at a dance tonight.
14:10Don't stay out too late, honey.
14:13And then there's my darling little baby.
14:16Uh-oh, I'm dying, you idiot.
14:19Oh, Edie, Edie, Edie, Edie.
14:20Who loves you, baby?
14:22Hope you lose.
14:23Yay!
14:25Again!
14:26Mr. Sinclair, your family is very nice, but will you please answer my question?
14:32Yes, Ed.
14:32Ed, this is a great country, and it has a great flag, and I don't care who hears me say
14:38it.
14:39Isn't it a bit chilly in here?
14:43Mr. Sinclair, you have consistently avoided answering my questions.
14:47It's becoming obvious to me that you know nothing about the substantive issues of this election.
14:52Thank you for mentioning that, Ed.
14:53Yes, it is true.
14:54I do adore puppies.
14:56And he is the newest member of the Sinclair family.
15:00We call them checkers.
15:03Now let's take a look at our DNN instantaneous news poll.
15:07Prior to the interview you just saw, this is how things stood, with Richfield leading Sinclair
15:11by 93 points.
15:13After Sinclair's interview tonight, we see that Pangeans everywhere fell for it.
15:29I'm going to run the country.
15:31I'm going to run the country.
15:33Yes, yes, yes.
15:35Oh, yes.
15:35I'm going to run the country.
15:36Dad, I've been thinking.
15:37No, not a word.
15:39I don't want you thinking.
15:41I don't want you thinking up some stupid reason why me being chief elder isn't the best thing
15:45that ever happened.
15:46Earl, I think we should listen to Robbie.
15:47Of course you do.
15:50What is it, dear?
15:51Well, it's just that with all Dad's talk about the flag and puppies, everybody's voting for
15:57him for the wrong reasons.
15:58Chief elder's a pretty hard job, and maybe knowing how to win an election is not the same
16:03thing as knowing how to run a country.
16:06Well, here he goes.
16:08He's done it.
16:09I was up, now I'm down.
16:10He has rained on my parade by throwing the truth in my face.
16:14Earl, don't get all upset.
16:16Robbie's given us something to think about.
16:18Why don't we all just sleep on it?
16:19No.
16:20If I go to sleep, I'll have some kind of dream that'll ruin my life.
16:23Earl, you need your sleep for the debate tomorrow.
16:26Forget it, friend.
16:27I'm not going to sleep.
16:28I'm going to stay right here, wide awake, eyes open, without sleeping, no sleeping for
16:33me.
16:34Daddy.
16:35Hmm?
16:36Nighty night.
16:39Oh, geez.
16:46Whoa.
16:47Whoa, where am I?
16:48What's going on?
16:49What?
16:50Oh, no, it's that fuzzy stuff again.
16:53All right, conscience, what's it gonna be?
16:55Welcome to the Cave of Destiny, Mr. Elder, if you'll step this way.
16:59Mr. Elder?
17:00You mean I won?
17:02Oh, this is a good dream.
17:04Ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:05He, he, he, he.
17:06Oh, look, I get my own desk.
17:08Neato.
17:09Hey, what's this?
17:10That's the red button, sir, to launch a full-scale war against our enemies.
17:14Only you can push it.
17:16Oh, well, maybe I'll push it.
17:18And maybe I won't.
17:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:21This requires immediate attention, sir.
17:23Oh, what is it?
17:24Our enemies have placed strategic weapons 60 miles from our borders.
17:27If we don't threaten to attack them, we leave ourselves vulnerable to a first strike.
17:30Oh, well, that's not good.
17:32Of course, if we do attack them, it will almost certainly result in the complete destruction
17:35of our planet.
17:37Well, then, where would we live?
17:38Mr. Ode, in the two hours since you were elected, the stock market has plunged 500
17:42points.
17:43Sir!
17:43You're expecting a run on the banks.
17:44What should we do?
17:45Gee, I don't know.
17:46I could hug a puppy.
17:47Oh, there's a little girl trapped in a well.
17:49She needs your words of encouragement.
17:51Uh, uh, you're trapped in a well?
17:53Oh, that's terrible.
17:55Sir, we need a decision right away.
17:57The stock market dropped another 100 points.
17:58Sir!
17:59Time to running out for Becky's room.
18:00Sir, it's 12.30.
18:02Where would you like to go for lunch?
18:04Enemies!
18:04Enemies are here!
18:05The stock market is here!
18:07Why don't you all just leave me alone?
18:13Oops.
18:17Oh, no.
18:19And on my first day.
18:27Good evening, and welcome to tonight's Election Eve debate, the final hurdle in the race
18:32for chief elder.
18:33Here is your moderator, our venerable political pundit, the crusty and avuncular Edward R.
18:39Hero.
18:40Thank you, Howard.
18:41We'll begin with Mr. Sinclair.
18:43In the past year, our nation's unemployment rate has risen to 14%.
18:48What steps would you take to curb this disturbing trend?
18:52Edward, let me begin by making a general statement.
18:55I'd make a terrible elder.
18:57It would be wrong to elect me.
18:58I am completely incompetent.
19:00Uh, in rebuttal, let me say I agree with him 100%.
19:06Mr. Sinclair, do you know what you're saying?
19:09Not usually.
19:10That's the whole point.
19:11Are you asking your supporters to vote for Mr. Richfield?
19:15No, no, no, no.
19:16See, I may be a boob, but he's absolute evil.
19:18What?
19:19Evil?
19:20What are you doing, you backstabbing bucket of pus?
19:24You are evil, and you know it.
19:26You've told me so lots of times.
19:29He picked me to run against him and told me I had to lose.
19:32What?
19:35Sinclair, I'll kill you.
19:38Let me at him.
19:41I'll pull your head off and bow with me.
19:45Sinclair!
19:49What an appalling display.
19:51The voters of this nation are presented with a choice
19:54between a monstrous, bloodthirsty psychopath
19:57and a self-confessed brain-dead ignorant.
20:01What will future generations think of us
20:03that we cannot present the public
20:05with better alternatives than these?
20:08Surely somewhere, there must exist a leader
20:11with the intelligence, vision, and decency
20:14to guide our nation.
20:16I'm Edward R. Hero.
20:18Be sure you vote tomorrow.
20:19Good night, and good luck.
20:25Well, the polls have just closed,
20:27and the turnout was reported to be light.
20:29But I see the election returns are coming in.
20:31Mom, do you think Daddy still has a chance?
20:34Be serious.
20:35I confess I was a boob on national television.
20:37You could still win, Earl.
20:39Lots of boobs vote.
20:40And they need representation, too.
20:42Yeah.
20:43And here are the final results.
20:46We see that 40,019 voters chose Earl Sinclair.
20:49Oh, wow!
20:51What were they thinking?
20:53And 60,304 votes for B.P. Richfield.
20:56Oh.
20:58Wait.
20:59I think that's more.
21:01One moment.
21:02I've just been informed
21:03that there has been a landslide write-in vote
21:05of 2,300,012 votes
21:08for veteran DNN news commentator Edward R. Hero.
21:12That's you, Edward.
21:13Any comment?
21:14Once again, a bored and apathetic electorate
21:17has been forced to...
21:19Huh?
21:20Well, dress me up and call me Sally.
21:24I'm the new elder.
21:26Hmm.
21:26Maybe the system does work after all.
21:31Come on, Earl.
21:32Don't be a sore loser.
21:34I think you have something to say.
21:38Oh, great elder.
21:39By what name do you call this child?
21:43I decree that henceforth
21:46this child shall be called...
21:48Hmm.
21:49I'm the baby.
21:50Gotta love me.
21:52Hmm.
21:54Baby?
21:55Baby Sinclair.
21:56Yes.
21:57It sort of fits.
21:58Baby Sinclair.
22:00Baby Sinclair!
22:01Next!
22:02Baby?
22:03Earl, what a wonderful name.
22:07Baby.
22:08Baby!
22:09Baby?
22:10I could have done this job!
22:13I could have done this job!
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