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TVTranscript
00:31Honey, I'm home.
00:33Honey, I'm home.
01:03We proudly present Nuts to War, a sweeping miniseries.
01:08Last week on Dinosaurs, the prehistoric world was caught up in the vortex of war.
01:13If you missed even a moment of the triumphant tragedy, here now is exactly what happened, but a lot faster.
01:18First, Earl is watching TV, and he runs out of pistachio nuts.
01:21A news bulletin explains there are no nuts anywhere because the four-legged dinosaurs from across the swamp have invaded
01:26the net groves.
01:26Hostilities break out between two-leggers and four-leggers, and Earl and Fran's boy Robbie is drafted, bringing the horrors
01:32of war all too close to home.
01:33Then, of course, there were some commercials.
01:35Okay, back to the show.
01:37The war escalates.
01:38Now they're not just spitting, they're throwing sticks.
01:41Fran wants Earl and Roy to go to the front to bring Robbie home.
01:43But the only way they can get there is to dress like USO girls.
01:47Big, ugly ones.
01:48And now, nuts to war.
01:54Part three, nuts at the front.
01:57Yeah.
02:00I want to tell you, last time I saw this many teenage boys in one place, my daughter was in
02:05heat.
02:07Boy, that joke was old in the early Jurassic period.
02:10Hey, he's an institution, and he always brings the babes with him.
02:14I want to tell you, I'm not saying you guys are young, but the last canteen I saw had a
02:18nipple on it.
02:20I nip on.
02:25This thing on?
02:31I got to ask you, is this an audience or a cave painting?
02:34Hey, you kids are great.
02:38All right, when we get out there, keep your eyes peeled for Robbie.
02:42We got to find him.
02:44I'm worried, Pally boy.
02:46Oh, thanks, Roy.
02:47You're a good friend, but I'm sure he's okay.
02:50No, it's this fabric.
02:52It doesn't breathe, and I'm not wearing any dress shields.
02:55Dad, I can't go out there.
02:57I am too nervous.
02:59Oh.
03:00Here's a tip for stage fright.
03:02What?
03:02Imagine the audience is in their underwears.
03:062,000 teenage boys in their underwear?
03:07See you on stage.
03:10Hey, hey, hey, hey.
03:11What?
03:12You put their clothes on right now.
03:15Sinclair, sisters, you're on.
03:17Oh, daddy.
03:17Charlene, boy.
03:18Okay, gang, this is it.
03:20Now let's not forget why we're here.
03:22Yeah.
03:24Wet your lips.
03:25Oh, yeah, okay.
03:26Now let's have a big hand for those syncopating Sinclair sisters.
03:30Right here, ladies and gentlemen.
03:32Ha-ha.
03:33Oh, yeah.
03:34Yeah.
03:37Oh, yeah.
03:39Oh, yeah.
03:41He was a famous trumpet man from that Chicago ring.
03:44He had a boogie style that no one else could play.
03:47He was a top man and he's red.
03:49But then his number came up and he was wrong with the draft.
03:52He's in the army now, he's going heavily.
03:55He's the boogie, boogie, puke, boogie, droppity bee.
03:58A-two, a-two, a-two.
04:00Beyond the two, he blows an egg to the bar.
04:03And boogie to the room, he can't blow an owner.
04:05Lest a basic guitar by playing with him.
04:09And I'm a company judge when he plays heavily.
04:12He's the boogie, boogie, puke, boogie, droppity bee.
04:18Yeah.
04:18Yeah.
04:18Yeah.
04:21Yeah.
04:25Falling in love again, never wanted to.
04:33What am I to do?
04:38Can't help it.
04:42Nails flag around me like moths around a flame.
04:52Hello, soldier.
04:53You have one special girl waiting for you at home?
04:56Just my mom.
04:57Well, you know, you really should try dating somebody outside your immediate family.
05:02Falling in love again.
05:09Don't see on the pistachio tree with anyone else but me.
05:14Anyone else but me.
05:17Anyone else but me.
05:18No, no, no.
05:20Don't see on the pistachio tree with anyone else but me.
05:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:24Till I come marching home.
05:35Meet me after the show, huh?
05:38I love you.
05:41I didn't see Robbie.
05:43Did anyone see Robbie?
05:44They love us.
05:45One guy threw me his keys.
05:47Oh, Daddy.
05:47I know who I am now.
05:49No more drifting through life without a purpose.
05:51I was born to give pleasure to whole groups of boys.
05:55Not now, Charlene.
05:57Right now, we gotta find Robbie.
05:58I don't know, Pally boy.
06:00I think we work better as a trio.
06:02Just look after Charlene.
06:04I gotta find Robbie.
06:05He's out there somewhere.
06:09You.
06:09Ah!
06:10Where do you think you're going?
06:11This is a war zone.
06:12But my son.
06:13And you brought a ray of sunshine to it, little lady.
06:17I just wanna say thank you.
06:19Oh, if there was only more than I could give.
06:22Well, if you'll excuse me.
06:23No need to run off.
06:25We're just getting to know each other.
06:27Um, I'm not the kind of girl you think I am.
06:30Really.
06:31You know, there's a lot of things a male in my position
06:34can offer a hard-working girl like you.
06:37Uh, believe me, I already have a lot of the same things you do.
06:40For starters, perhaps you'd be interested in some silk stockings or chocolates.
06:45No.
06:45No, General, please, I don't.
06:48Chocolates?
06:49Hey, I thought you were going up to a...
06:51Oh, look, it's Roar...
06:54Rita!
06:55Good time, Rita, the boys' caller.
06:57Ah!
07:02My, you have such delicate hands.
07:05Aye, thank you.
07:06You have a very round head.
07:08Two of you are hitting it off.
07:09So, since I'm busy tonight, perhaps you might like to entertain the General.
07:14A General?
07:16Yes.
07:16Oh, I...
07:17Yes.
07:17Yeah?
07:18Good?
07:19I gotta find Bobby.
07:21Silk stockings?
07:22Really?
07:23That's right, Rita.
07:26Thanks for inviting me over.
07:27Well, I'm glad to have the company.
07:29I'm sorry all we've got are these frozen dinners.
07:32All the fresh meat's being sent to the front.
07:34Don't I know it.
07:40Frozen dinner reporting for duty, ma'am.
07:43Tonight, the War Channel presents a government-approved documentary to help you think correctly in these difficult times.
07:49Everytown Pangaea, the dinosaurs in this community are like dinosaurs everywhere.
07:54They shop, work, snack, and like many others, they tend to take their snacking freedoms for granted.
08:00Sadly, they are unaware of an insidious evil darkness being cast upon the land, a threat to every aspect of
08:06our cherished way of life.
08:08First, we lose pistachios.
08:10From there, it's almonds.
08:12And finally, our chosen form of government.
08:15Where does it end?
08:17They won't be happy until we walk on all fours like they do.
08:24I never thought I'd say this, but today I'm ashamed to be a two-legger.
08:29Oh, I'm sure they're showing the same kind of awful propaganda on the other side of the swamp.
08:33This war is making everybody act like children.
09:03Oh, I'm sure they're showing the same kind of awful propaganda on the other side of the swamp.
09:06Oh, I'm sure they're showing the same kind of awful propaganda on the other side of the swamp.
09:39I'm hit!
09:41Wipe this guy down, Seth!
09:43And then get him in a triage and start him on paper towels!
09:54Hey, lady, what are you doing out here? This is a war zone!
09:56Are those sticks?
09:58They ain't candy canes, missy.
10:00What do you think took this out, huh?
10:01Uh, running with scissors?
10:03Wrong! It was a stick with my name on it!
10:05Wow! What are the gods?
10:07All right, I need a volunteer! Let's go!
10:12Robbie!
10:13Uh, yes, ma'am!
10:14It's me! Dad!
10:16What?
10:16I've come to take you home!
10:18Dad, what are you doing here?
10:20Why are you dressed like that?
10:22Well, it was your mother's idea.
10:24Oh, really? And what's she wearing?
10:27Hey!
10:29Son, this war, it's gotten out of hand. It's dangerous.
10:32And apparently the stress is taking its toll on the fellas back home.
10:37Eh, Betty?
10:39Oh, I guess I had that coming.
10:43Robbie, this is not the war we were promised.
10:46We were told there'd be a little hissing and spitting, and then everyone would go home.
10:51Whoa!
10:52Where's my boys?
10:54Hey, Sarge, what happened?
10:56It was another stick.
10:58Did that one have your name on it, too?
11:00Now they're sending me home.
11:02They say just because I'm blind, I can't leave my troops into battle.
11:05The fools.
11:06But I know that my boys are right behind me!
11:09Uh, actually, we're slightly to your right, Sarge.
11:12What?
11:12Yeah.
11:13Ah, who am I kidding?
11:15Look, you'll have to take command.
11:17Huh?
11:17You're the only one who can do it!
11:19Who am I talking to?
11:21Sinclair, sir.
11:22Well, now it's Sergeant Sinclair.
11:24What?
11:25Here, this corsage is the symbol of your rank.
11:28Wear it proudly, put it in the refrigerator at night, and remember, don't abuse your power!
11:33Unless it really gets you off.
11:34I won't let you down, sir.
11:38Robbie!
11:39Hmm?
11:39Remember what you said to me before you left?
11:42You said this whole thing is crazy!
11:44I was naive, Dad.
11:45I was dry behind the ears.
11:47Now I've got a job to do.
11:48Not just a job, really.
11:49An adventure!
11:51But, but, but, but, but, but, but, Robbie!
11:52You could get hurt!
11:54That's a chance I gotta take, Dad!
11:56Remember what's at stake?
11:58What was it again?
12:00Pistachios!
12:00Our right to snack!
12:02That's worth fighting for, right, Dad?
12:04Maybe not.
12:06You're gonna let him walk all over us?
12:08You're gonna pay 50 cents more a pound for nuts, Dad?
12:10Huh?
12:11Doesn't seem like so much when you think about it.
12:14There's no time to think about it.
12:17This is war, Dad.
12:19And we're gonna win it, no matter what it takes.
12:23Follow me!
12:44And now, the conclusion of Nuts to War.
12:50This is a DNN special report.
12:52Nuts in crisis, day 15.
12:54All reports indicate the fighting is going splendidly,
12:57and a glorious victory for our troops is inevitable.
13:00And anybody who says otherwise is on this list.
13:04Hoffman, Rubin, Seal, Berrigan P, Berrigan D, Ellsberg, Consular, Fonda, Hayden, Hellman, Hammett, Trumbull, Lardner, Ritt,
13:19Water, please.
13:20Brisco, Hoover, Zepa, and Zimmerman.
13:27Earl!
13:28Where's Robbie?
13:30Oh, he's at the front having the time of his life.
13:32Victory is almost certain.
13:34I thought you were bringing him home.
13:36Oh, no!
13:37No, no, no!
13:38Oh, I would never do anything that would hinder our glorious and patriotic effort.
13:44Shut the curtains.
13:45What?
13:46Shut the curtains.
13:47What are you doing?
13:51No, nothing.
13:52Uh, everything's fine.
13:54It's great.
13:55I have every confidence in our leaders.
14:00Fran, it's a nightmare out there.
14:02Our boys are getting their eyes poked out.
14:05Everything we've been told is a lie.
14:07I never thought I'd be saying this, but risking our sons just for nuts, it's wrong.
14:12Then why didn't you bring Robbie home?
14:14He won't come home till it's over.
14:16He believes all the stupid stuff I told him.
14:19All his life he disagrees with everything I say.
14:22The one time he agrees with me, I'm wrong.
14:25Well, if he won't come home, then we have to speak out and stop this madness.
14:31Fran, it's one thing to know in your heart when something is morally wrong.
14:36It's another thing to open your big fat trap about it in public.
14:39This is a DNN update.
14:41Here is Howard Hand Up Me.
14:44A young sergeant was killed in action today during a heavy barrage of sticks and stones.
14:50What?
14:51Oh, this wasn't supposed to be read?
14:57Uh...
15:08What's with Earl?
15:09What is he doing?
15:09What's going on here?
15:11Uh...
15:11Get a load of this guy.
15:13Hey, um...
15:14Huh?
15:14Somebody...
15:17Boy, talk to him.
15:18Come on.
15:19Go, go, go, go.
15:21Okay, okay, then.
15:23Yeah.
15:23Pally boy, um, the guys and I couldn't help but notice you're carrying a large sign with subversive anti-government
15:30slogans on it.
15:31Were you aware of that?
15:33Roy, one of our boys died out there.
15:36Hey, hey, that was read by accident.
15:38And we've been asked not to have heard it.
15:40Yeah.
15:40And I, for one, am glad to do my part.
15:44Uh-huh.
15:44Yeah, that's right.
15:45Hey, hey, Roy, that kid could be Robbie.
15:48My son could be dead.
15:50Um, hey, I really got to check with somebody before I can hear this.
15:55Uh...
15:55We have to stop the fighting.
15:57We have to bring the boys home.
15:59Sinclair!
16:00In here now!
16:02I'm gonna get it now.
16:11Mr. Hitchfield, I know exactly what you're gonna say.
16:14You are meddling with the primal forces of nature.
16:18Okay, so I'm not even close.
16:19Sinclair, do you have any idea why we're fighting?
16:23Pistachios, sir.
16:25This isn't about nuts.
16:27This is about a force beyond your understanding.
16:30A force that controls your life and shapes your destiny.
16:35You mean, Fran?
16:36Money!
16:37For years, our government has squandered money on affordable housing, education, and health care.
16:43But now, finally, that money is going where nature intended it.
16:47To defense contractors.
16:49Oh, look out!
16:50Those are stakes!
16:51I know that!
16:52What do you think happens to all those trees you pushed down, huh?
16:57You sell them and use the money to buy stakes?
17:00No, you idiot!
17:02We make stakes!
17:03And this is only the beginning!
17:05Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
17:06Oh my gosh, a rock!
17:09This is the Peacekeeper 2000!
17:12I'm not talking about both eyes!
17:15One of these babies can crack their head wide open!
17:19This could end the hostilities in no time!
17:21Uh, that is, uh, if we weren't planning to sell them to both sides!
17:25Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
17:26You'd sell these to the enemy?
17:29Ha ha ha ha!
17:29But my son's out there!
17:31He may even be killed!
17:32Uh, I didn't know that!
17:35I also don't care!
17:38And now a word from our Elder-in-Chief.
17:41Don't bother reaching for your remote.
17:43He'll be on every channel.
17:46My fellow Pengeans, most of you probably heard on television yesterday that one of our brave boys was killed.
17:55Responsibility for this sad, sad news must be placed where it belongs, with the press!
18:01As a result, my popularity has dipped several points, and I am forced to take drastic action.
18:06I am calling an end to Operation We Are Right, and I'm bringing our boys home.
18:11Of course, I realize this action alone may not restore your faith in me.
18:15Therefore, I am making you this promise.
18:17I will cut the capital gains tax.
18:20Thank you, and good night.
18:21Oh, no!
18:26One boy dies, and it's all over!
18:30Ugh!
18:30Kind of makes you understand the fragile nature of prophets.
18:34Ugh!
18:36I don't think I understand anything.
18:46Ready or not, here I come!
18:50Yoo-hoo!
18:52Cookie Creatures!
18:54You can run, but you can't hide!
19:00What was that?
19:02I don't know what kind of bad, scary monster you are, but you've eaten your last cookie!
19:21Ah ha!
19:22Huh?
19:26Oh.
19:32Oh.
19:34Oh.
19:35Oh.
19:35You win.
19:36Oh.
19:37Oh, no thanks.
19:39Oh, oh.
19:40You can keep it.
19:42Oh.
19:43Oh.
19:44Oh, thank you.
19:45You see? Watch it down.
19:52Eat the cookie.
20:00In the wake of withdrawal by the two armies,
20:03leaders from both sides have agreed henceforth to share pistachios equally.
20:08Unfortunately, nearly all the pistachio nut trees were destroyed in the fighting.
20:12Meanwhile, military officials have not yet released the name of the one soldier who was killed in the conflict.
20:18I can't take this anymore.
20:20Why don't they know who was killed?
20:22Why won't they tell us?
20:23Fran, honey, don't do this to yourself.
20:27That's right, sweetheart.
20:28It won't do us any good to imagine that Robbie is a rotting, lifeless corpse stinking up the battlefield.
20:34No!
20:36It was meant to be comforting.
20:38You know what got us into this mess?
20:40You stupid males and your precious pistachios.
20:44No, you're right.
20:46I don't need pistachios anymore.
20:48From now on, I'll even eat cashews if I have to.
20:51Here, look.
20:57Hey, these are really good.
20:59I have no shells.
21:00Boy, I wish I'd known about these a month ago.
21:04Hey, anybody home?
21:15Oh, I missed you.
21:18Hi, Grandma.
21:19Robbie.
21:24Welcome home, son.
21:26Thanks, Dad.
21:27I'm so happy you're all right.
21:29Yeah.
21:29No, I'm fine, really.
21:30I heard that someone got killed.
21:33Yeah, it was some new guy.
21:35You know, we could have won.
21:36What?
21:38Robbie, what are you saying?
21:40Well, I mean, it was terrible that guy got killed and all.
21:43But we had those four-leggers on the run.
21:45We could have won it.
21:46Yeah.
21:47A boy died.
21:48It wasn't worth it.
21:50The fighting didn't solve anything.
21:52Don't you see that?
21:56Come on, Robbie.
21:57Let's get you out of that uniform.
21:59You've got school tomorrow.
22:00Forget school.
22:01A bunch of the guys are talking about keeping the army together.
22:04They'd have drills, set up a base at the swamp, so we'll be ready for them next time.
22:08They're working on a whole new line of weapons.
22:11Yeah.
22:11Stop it.
22:12Huh?
22:13You're not a soldier.
22:14You're a kid.
22:16You're going to go to school.
22:17You're going to take girlfriends to dances.
22:20You're going to drive me crazy like you always do.
22:22You're going to lead a normal kid's life until it's time for you to grow up.
22:30Dad?
22:32It's okay, son.
22:34It's over.
22:36You're home.
22:53You're home.
23:05You're home.
23:37We're right back.
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