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Watch Nikki Glaser Good Girl () free full movie online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:24Be good, good, good, good
00:32Be good, good, good, good, good
00:41Be good, good, good, good
00:52What's up, St. Louis?
01:00Thank you so much
01:01This is such a special night
01:04Thank you for being here
01:05Before we begin, I just want you to know that
01:07Every single person in here means so much money to me
01:11I am cleaning up tonight
01:14No, this is such a special night for you
01:19I am...
01:21No, it's so special to me
01:23I am so happy to be doing this in St. Louis, Missouri
01:26My hometown
01:31Yep
01:31I actually love living in St. Louis so much
01:34Because so much of my career is having to just look perfect
01:37And I just feel like here I don't have to try, you know?
01:46I can kind of give up, you know?
01:49Like you
01:50It's um...
01:54I don't get recognized a lot in St. Louis
01:56Because this is literally the best I've ever looked in this town
01:59I don't usually look this way
02:01So I get excited when it happens
02:03It actually happened earlier today at Starbucks
02:05This girl came up to me and she was like
02:07Are you?
02:08And I was like
02:08Yeah
02:09And she was like
02:10Oh, where there's a band-aid in your hair?
02:12And I was like
02:14Oh yeah, sorry
02:16She was like
02:17Now it's on your crock
02:18And so...
02:21The St. Louis stiletto
02:26But I got gussied up for you tonight
02:28I got a spray tan for you guys
02:29Yes
02:30Thank you
02:32It is the number one way to look way hotter than you are
02:35You have to get a spray tan
02:37You look amazing
02:39You smell like a menstrual cup
02:41Now that's kind of the downside of the spray tan
02:44You smell like you've been free bleeding into an old boot
02:47But...
02:49You look good
02:50So it's worth it
02:52Get your spray tans now though, by the way
02:54I think they're gonna be taken away from us pretty soon
02:56Because it is insane that white people can just paint their skin a different color
03:01And then be like
03:02I'm white
03:02You know like
03:03That's cultural appropriation
03:05I think
03:06I mean it's not black face
03:08But it is Guatemalan leg
03:10Like it's...
03:11This isn't my leg tone
03:16You gotta get one
03:18It's really easy
03:19You just go to a salon
03:20You ask for the airbrush
03:21They send you into a back room
03:23You get totally naked
03:24And then a teenage girl comes in
03:29To learn about the future of her body
03:31I mean...
03:32Yeah, I volunteer
03:34It's helpful
03:36They have no idea what befalls them
03:38Because...
03:39It all befallen
03:40I mean it's...
03:42Oh God
03:44I swear to God
03:45Every time I turn around
03:46I hear a gasp
03:47Because...
03:48I know what she's seeing
03:50She's seeing the folds of my ass cheeks
03:52Just going down my leg
03:54You can tell how old a woman is by the folds
03:56It's like the rings of a tree
03:57You count
03:58And each fold is a decade
03:59And she's like
04:00Okay, she's 40
04:01Huh
04:04She sprays you down with this like
04:06Agent orange
04:07I mean who even knows what this stuff is
04:09I'm breathing it in every week
04:11I'm definitely gonna get some kind of lung disease from it
04:13I'm sure of it
04:14There's gonna be some like epidemic in 20 years
04:17Called like Tan Lung
04:18And it's gonna be...
04:21Ravaging old hot women
04:22And...
04:25To be honest
04:25I'm actually really hoping for Tan Lung
04:28Because...
04:29Um...
04:29I'm gonna need the gig
04:30They're gonna have a class action lawsuit
04:33And...
04:33I would love to be the face of Tan Lung
04:36Cause...
04:36My career's going great now
04:38But it can't last this long
04:39I know eventually Hollywood is gonna kick me out
04:41Cause I'm gonna do something horrible
04:43Like age naturally
04:45Yeah
04:46That's me too for women
04:47That's when they say
04:48Time's up bitch
04:50You know?
04:51No
04:52Crows feet for women
04:53Are the same for men as decades of rape
04:56I think that's it
04:57That's where they go
04:58Get out!
04:59You're a monster!
05:02So I gotta take the gig
05:03That'll be a fun gig
05:04To be honest with you
05:05It'll be fun for you too
05:06In 20 years you turn on your TV
05:08You're like
05:08Who is that?
05:09And I'm like
05:10I'm Naked Glazer
05:13You may remember me from the roast of Tom Brady
05:16Just talking through my trach
05:19You know?
05:19Just...
05:20Tan Lung is no laughing matter
05:22Like just...
05:23Oh my god
05:24She's still alive?
05:27That's so fun
05:28Maybe it's me and Snooki
05:29Like maybe we can get Snooki
05:30If she's still kicking
05:33Just those RFK junior-ing outers
05:37He has tan lung
05:39We can all agree
05:39He's stage 2
05:41It corresponds to the color he chose, I think
05:44But it's all toxic, you know?
05:46Being a woman is a health hazard
05:47It really is
05:49But if it works
05:50It's worth it, you know?
05:52Spray tans?
05:53They work
05:53Shapewear?
05:54That's another thing
05:55Deeply uncomfortable, but it works
05:56It just like sucks you in here
05:58Like a blood pressure cuff
06:00And then it snatches your lower intestine
06:02Into your asshole
06:03So those 2 get to meet for the first time
06:06It gives you that hourglass shape that men love
06:09They love when your body looks like the timer
06:12In a game of Boggle
06:13They love that little hourglass
06:16That's why it's missing from all your board games
06:19Yeah
06:19Go check under your teenage son's mattress
06:22That's what he's...
06:23He's fondling it in his room
06:25That's why you hear him yelling
06:27Yahtzee in the middle of the night
06:28That's it
06:30Your teenage son is coming
06:36The shapewear is intense
06:38Cause it sucks you in so hard up here
06:40But then it's connected at the bottom, right?
06:42It's like a thong
06:42And then throughout the night
06:43It kinda just like weasels its way up
06:45And just like bullying you up the front
06:48It's crazy
06:49Do you ever go to the bathroom
06:50After wearing shapewear
06:51And you just lift up your skirt
06:52And it looks like you're cutting clay
06:53It's just like bisecting you up the...
06:55It goes deep, dude
06:59Ugh
07:00And there's no snaps on it
07:02So you just gotta pull it to the side
07:04It's soaked in piss
07:06Just...
07:06It's shooting out in 18 different directions
07:09One's a perfect arc
07:10Like Calvin
07:12It's horrible
07:14You gotta really hook it up there
07:16And pull it down
07:17And your pussy's like
07:18And you snap it back up
07:25It's like
07:25Ugh
07:25I've got cauliflower clit
07:27I mean it's...
07:28Beat up, dude
07:33It's horrible
07:35But it's worth it
07:40These things are worth it, you know?
07:41Cause they make you look hotter
07:43They make you look fuckable
07:44And...
07:45When you look fuckable
07:46Your life is great
07:47Like...
07:48Everyone's nicer to you
07:49You get things
07:50Being fuckable
07:51There's so many perks
07:52I think we misunderstand fuckable women
07:54Like...
07:55I think sometimes we see a woman
07:56With big fake shiny tits
07:58And like...
07:58Love Island lips
08:00And we're like...
08:00Whoa...
08:01She loves to get dicked down
08:03And it's like...
08:04No
08:05I think the worst part of a fuckable woman's life
08:07Is getting fucked
08:08I think that's the worst
08:09Three to six minutes of her month
08:11Is when she has to be penetrated
08:13In order to even ask for the new Range Rover
08:16I mean that's what she has to do to get it
08:19No, being hot rules
08:22Being ugly
08:23That fucking sucks, dude
08:24We don't talk about that, right?
08:26We don't talk about ugly people
08:27Cause no one's ugly
08:29Come on
08:30Like...
08:30There's some people
08:32They're ugly
08:33It's not a bad thing to say
08:35People go, that's so mean
08:36I'm like, is it?
08:37It just means their face isn't symmetrical
08:39Like it's...
08:40I'm not saying they're a bad person
08:42It's not their fault
08:42I mean...
08:43It's their parents' fault
08:45For being cousins or something
08:46But it's not their fault
08:48I'm saying
08:49I have sympathy for ugly people
08:51I see you
08:52And I don't want to
08:53But I see you
08:57Ugly people are discriminated against
08:58We don't talk about this
08:59But there have been scientists
09:01That have done a study
09:01These ugly scientists got together
09:04And they were like...
09:05Are we getting paid less?
09:07And it turns out that they are
09:08What they found is
09:10Ugly people make 62 cents on the dollar
09:12That attractive people make
09:13So...
09:14What they found is
09:15If you're gross
09:16You don't gross
09:17And...
09:19It's sad
09:20Because ugly people can't unionize
09:22Nothing will change
09:23What are they gonna march
09:24With signs that are like
09:25We're revolting
09:26We're like...
09:27We know
09:31You know
09:32You know the thing is
09:32Like we're all a little bit ugly
09:34Like I feel ugly sometimes
09:35And people go
09:36No you're not allowed to say that
09:37You're beautiful
09:37And listen
09:38I'm not a dog
09:39But like...
09:40I have proof I'm a goofy looking girl
09:42Okay?
09:42I did a roast one time
09:44On Comedy Central
09:45And Blake Griffin got up there
09:46And he made a joke
09:47Where he said that I looked like Larry Bird
09:50And...
09:52It wouldn't have hurt
09:54Unless I heard the crowd's reaction
09:56Which was...
09:57As if it was the truest thing they had ever heard
10:00I mean...
10:01It blew the roof off the place
10:03It...
10:04It came in waves
10:05As people were Googling it
10:06And being like
10:07Oh my God
10:08Like...
10:08It wouldn't stop
10:12Devastating
10:12Larry Bird
10:13If you...
10:13If you don't know who Larry Bird is
10:15Just picture...
10:16Larry Bird
10:18Okay?
10:18He looks exactly...
10:20Like his name
10:22I think his middle name is The
10:24I mean...
10:24No one...
10:25Has ever looked so much like their name since Peter Dinklage
10:28I mean it's insane
10:31I was devastated
10:36I have a hard time having sympathy for hot women
10:38I uh...
10:39I get jealous of hot women a lot
10:41It's probably like the most disgusting part about me
10:45Besides my pussy
10:45But that's...
10:46We'll get into that later
10:48That's a little...
10:49A foreshadowing
10:50Cause...
10:51Cause it casts a shadow now
10:53But it's um...
10:56Ugh...
10:56Get ready
11:00Yeah I don't know
11:01Hot girls...
11:02Do you ever feel that way about them?
11:03Where you're just like...
11:04Like...
11:06Like the worst it ever comes out in me
11:08Is like...
11:08You know...
11:09Like you hear about a woman that went missing
11:10And then you're like...
11:11Oh my god...
11:12And then you see a picture of her
11:13And you're like...
11:15Bye...
11:16Like...
11:17Ta ta honey...
11:19I'm not looking for you
11:21I'm not joining the search party
11:24I'm tearing down posters like a Columbia student
11:27Like...
11:27I don't want you found
11:29I just moved up in line
11:31Cause you're laying in a creek bed somewhere
11:33So I'm sorry about that
11:34But it's...
11:38Sick
11:39But I do wonder sometimes
11:41Cause of my thoughts
11:41I'm like...
11:42Am I a sociopath?
11:44And then ChatGPT is like...
11:45No queen...
11:46You're perfect
11:47And I'm like...
11:48I knew it
11:50Thanks ChatGPT
11:51You're my best friend
11:55But I'm still working on it dude
11:57Like...
11:57I'm gonna get a facelift in a couple years
12:00And...
12:00Thank you for cheering that on
12:01Most people are like...
12:02Don't...
12:03Don't do it...
12:04Thank you...
12:05I don't know whether to be insulted by you cheering it on or not
12:08But...
12:08I appreciate that
12:09What I don't want when I get a facelift
12:12Is anyone being like...
12:13That's so sad she did that
12:14Why did she do that?
12:15And the answer is...
12:16It's cause it's gonna lead to a better life for me
12:18I'm on TV a lot
12:19I'm gonna look amazing
12:21I'm gonna get better roles
12:22I'm gonna get paid more for those roles
12:23I'm gonna get fire emojis from Kristen Cavallari
12:26Like...
12:27It's...
12:29Do you know how good it feels to have Bowen Yang write diva with 19 A's underneath the picture of
12:34you?
12:35Looks like he just fell asleep on the keyboard cause I was so slay
12:40Oh my god
12:42And so I'm gonna get a facelift
12:44And I just...
12:44I don't like how we shame women who invest in their looks
12:47You know?
12:48We find out a girl get a facelift and we're like
12:50That's really sad
12:51That's really sad
12:52That you just can't accept the face you were born with
12:54And first of all this isn't the face I was born with, okay?
12:57I was born with a baby's head
13:00I don't have a baby's head on a woman's body
13:02A reverse Ariana
13:03I don't have that, you know?
13:09I can improve it
13:12You know?
13:13And it's not sad
13:14It's so sad you can't accept the face you have
13:16And it's like, why is that sad?
13:18But then when women spend, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars on like a sociology degree
13:23No one's like, that's really sad
13:24You can't accept your dumb brain for what it is
13:27Why do you have to change it?
13:29That's a really bad example for your daughter and her dumb brain
13:32How she's supposed to tell her how about that?
13:36But it's gonna look good
13:37My facelift is gonna be so good
13:39I'm gonna spend the right amount of money
13:40I'm gonna go to the right doctor
13:41Whoever Kris Jenner went to
13:43I'm gonna find him
13:45We know
13:46You go to the right guy and it's amazing
13:48Face work is so good now
13:49Cause people are like, what if they ruin your face?
13:52I'm like, it doesn't happen anymore
13:53You know?
13:54Shout out to the ladies of the 80s and 90s
13:56Who underwent cosmetic procedures
13:59And sacrificed your faces
14:01So that we could have amazing snatched jawlines
14:06Thank you so much for your service
14:07Thank you
14:09Oh my god
14:11When I see a woman with just like a very obvious
14:14Like she just walked into a haunted house
14:16Kind of face
14:18I'm like, thank you honey
14:19I feel like you should board planes before veterans
14:21Like I truly
14:23You sacrificed so much
14:26Your face looked like it stepped on an IED
14:29Like it's
14:31You're the real wounded warriors
14:37There are certain things I think that we do for beauty
14:39That I'm like kind of giving up on
14:41Because I'm not getting the return on them
14:42I think nails are a waste of our time and energy
14:45I have a boyfriend of 15 years
14:46He's never once noticed that I've gotten my nails done
14:49Ever
14:50And they go up his asshole
14:51So if he's not clocking it
14:53Who cares?
14:58I'm like, babe, I got him bedazzled for your pleasure
15:01Like there's rhinestones on it
15:03Is that not?
15:04No?
15:06But I'm sick of getting my nails done
15:08You have to just sit there
15:09Every two weeks for two hours
15:11You can't be on your phone
15:12You can't do anything
15:13This is why we make less money than men
15:16I think
15:16It's like these crucial hours
15:17During the day
15:18When you could be working
15:19Those hours
15:21Men are on their phones
15:22They're doing deals
15:23Cheating on you
15:24You're just
15:27Looking around the salon
15:29Like
15:30Bored out of your mind
15:31The best entertainment they have
15:33Is beat Bobby Flay on mute
15:35You're like
15:37Is that ricotta?
15:38Or Greek yogurt?
15:40Oh
15:40I'll never know
15:43It's not fun
15:44I think men think that women like to go to nail salons
15:47Like together
15:47And it's like a girls day
15:48And we just chit chat the whole time
15:49It's not like that
15:51Like
15:51You can go to the nail salon with a friend
15:53But you get separated at the border
15:55Immediately
15:55They do not let you sit together
15:59They put you in the manicure station
16:00Her in the pedicure station
16:02You're just like blinking Morse code at each other
16:04Like
16:05Are you okay?
16:06You look over at her
16:07She's doing the worm in the massage chair
16:11Trying to talk herself out of an $80 up charge
16:14To remove her calluses
16:15That she needs to walk
16:16Like
16:33God
16:35It's so isolating
16:36So boring
16:37You can't talk to the woman doing your nails
16:39Cause
16:41Slavery
16:41I mean I don't know
16:42I don't know
16:45She seems sad and stuck
16:47Is it just me?
16:51I look at her name tag
16:53I'm like her name's not Rebecca O'Malley
16:55Like this
16:57Something's being covered up here
17:01And in the end you go to Venmo them
17:02And you see their real name
17:03It looks like a license plate
17:04And you're like okay
17:05Well this is
17:07This is the truth
17:11I don't know that they're slaves
17:13This is just
17:14This is all based on this article
17:17I read in the New York Times
17:18Like ten years ago
17:20About New York City nail salons
17:21And I was living in New York at the time
17:22So I was like what's going on?
17:24And it turns out
17:25They're like all indentured servants
17:27These women have miserable lives
17:29It was really heartbreaking
17:30It was the kind of thing you read
17:31Where you're like well I can't support that anymore
17:33And I was really proud of myself
17:35Cause I
17:35Immediately
17:36I stopped going
17:37For two weeks
17:38Cause that's when my gels
17:40Started peeling
17:41And I was like
17:42What do I do?
17:44And then you go back
17:45But you
17:45If you wait two weeks
17:46That's fine
17:47That's long enough
17:48You wait two weeks
17:49And then you can convince yourself
17:50Like
17:51They fixed it
17:53Like
17:53Someone got in there
17:54Shook things up
17:56Things are good
17:57And now I go back in
17:59I'm just a little bit nicer
18:00You know
18:00I walk in kind of like
18:01Hi slaves
18:02Like I don't say it
18:03But I like
18:04Try to communicate it
18:05By furrowing my brow
18:07Like slaves
18:10Then you sit down
18:11And you have to just stick your hands
18:13In little different bowls of cancer
18:15I mean this is
18:16So toxic
18:19This is a solvent
18:20Meant to dissolve plastic
18:21And you're just resting
18:22Your fingers in it
18:24How could this be good?
18:25I don't even know what it is
18:27I try to read the label
18:28There's just like
18:28A picture of a baby's head
18:30With an X through it
18:31And I'm like
18:32I guess babies
18:34Shouldn't drink it
18:34That's probably what that means
18:37I need a new form of birth control anyway
18:39So this is good
18:39This is really
18:41Really good
18:42And you just wait there
18:43Sometimes they make you soak
18:44For so long
18:45Cause they go
18:46And they work on another client
18:48Or they give a hand job
18:49In the back
18:49You know just their side work
18:51For getting done
18:54And you're like
18:55And you're like
18:55Okay I think I'm good
18:56Cause it's like
18:57Starting to hit bone
18:58And so you're like
19:00Scoop my soggy phalanges out
19:04And that's always when they see you
19:05Don't ever do anything for yourself
19:06In a nail salon
19:07You wait to be told
19:08Cause the second you do
19:09They go
19:10No no no back in
19:11And they slap your hand
19:12And I'm like oh my god
19:12So sorry
19:14Instantly back in
19:16You're the slave now
19:17Like just take it
19:19Like so sorry
19:23She takes out that Dremel drill
19:24To get the plastic off
19:26She goes hard on that
19:29Locked eyed with you
19:31Just like shrapnel
19:33Hitting you in the face
19:35Just a micro plastic dust cloud
19:37That you're just breathing in
19:38You like see it going in
19:40Ugh
19:41It's horrible for you
19:43She's not breathing it in
19:44Cause they wear masks
19:46Right?
19:46That's why they wear masks
19:47I didn't realize that
19:49I just figured out recently
19:50That they wear masks
19:51In nail salons
19:52Because it's like toxic chemicals
19:55I don't know what I thought
19:56Was going on with the masks
19:58Before then
19:58Like
20:00I think my white brain
20:01Was just like
20:03Asian
20:04Like they love masks
20:06That's their heritage
20:07It's their culture
20:10You know
20:11She was a surgeon
20:12In the village she came from
20:16Before
20:17Before she was zip tied
20:18In a shipping container
20:19And landed on our shores
20:20So
20:20It reminds her of home
20:22It's sweet
20:25No
20:25It's toxic
20:27So
20:28Um
20:28I think I'm obsessed with this
20:30Because it's just been brought
20:31To my attention
20:31That there are women
20:32Like in the states being trafficked
20:34Because
20:34Every time you go into
20:35A women's restroom
20:36In a public place
20:37There is a poster
20:39On the back of the stall
20:40Asking you
20:40If you're being trafficked
20:42We have these
20:42Right ladies?
20:43Do you know what I'm talking about?
20:44Yes
20:45They're in every world language
20:47I always look for English
20:49And it just
20:49Is very small at the bottom
20:51And it says
20:51You wish
20:52But
20:54It's
20:54It's
20:55It's not really for us
20:56But
20:57Men don't have these posters
20:59In their stalls
20:59That's what I've learned
21:00I guess you guys have posters
21:01That are like
21:02Hey, need a slave?
21:03Text TRAFFIC
21:04To 69 69
21:08Is that what you have?
21:11No
21:12No
21:12You have signs for more pressing issues
21:14In your bathrooms
21:15Like washing your hands
21:16You know
21:17As soon as we
21:18As soon as we beat that
21:19We'll get to the slaves
21:23It's just
21:24But being uh
21:25Being like
21:26Trafficked
21:27Is a real fear
21:28For young girls now
21:29I
21:30I have a lot of Gen Z friends
21:31Who are like
21:32I'm scared to go out alone
21:33Like what if I get trafficked
21:34And I'm like
21:34Wow, that was not a fear
21:36For me in my 20s
21:37I'm 41
21:38And when I was in my 20s
21:39We just feared like
21:41Good old fashioned rape
21:42You know
21:42Like we didn't
21:44I didn't think it would be a career
21:46You know
21:46I didn't think
21:48I just thought it was a temp position
21:50In that parking garage
21:51I didn't think it would
21:53Last forever
21:56But they're really scared
21:57It's rubbed off on me
21:58Sometimes when I'm with them
21:59I'm like
21:59Yeah, I'm scared
22:00We're gonna get trafficked
22:01And they're like
22:01You're fine
22:02Like
22:03You've aged out of
22:05Getting trafficked
22:08You just try to do your part
22:10You know
22:10Do your best
22:11There's so many things in the world
22:12That need your attention
22:13But do what you can
22:14I'm vegan
22:16So I know I'm better than you
22:17And um
22:18Thank you
22:19Thank you so much
22:20I became vegan like 10 years ago
22:23Because I saw factory farm footage
22:24And I was just so disturbed by what I saw
22:27That I just couldn't eat animals after that
22:29And it doesn't work for everything
22:31Because I'm now trying to take a break from porn
22:33Because it's gotten too dark
22:35I mean the porn I watch
22:36Looks like factory farm footage
22:38And so
22:40It's weird that I can't stop watching it
22:41It's
22:42Why is it that when I see it happen to animals
22:44I cry
22:45But when I see it happen to women
22:46I come harder than I ever have in my life
22:48I can't
22:50These are not cage free whores
22:53They're literally caged sometimes
22:55It's
22:56I watch a lot of porn
22:58I mean
22:58I probably watch as much as the average 41 year old plumber
23:02I think that's probably
23:06But that's what happens with porn
23:08It's a drug
23:08You get to sensitize to the thing you're watching
23:11And you need something weirder
23:12Something just crazier to get you off
23:14You know
23:15Cause it'll start off sweet
23:16Like I'm like
23:16Oh girl on girl
23:18And then it's like
23:19Oh you know what
23:20This isn't really hitting
23:20Like maybe I need like a stepmom stuck in a dryer
23:23You know like
23:26That's my new thing
23:27That's good
23:27That's where it'll stop
23:28That's all I need
23:32And then after a while
23:33That's fucking nothing
23:34You're just like nothing
23:34I need something else
23:36And then it ends up
23:37You need to watch like a MILF getting fisted
23:39In a Target bathroom
23:40On like a koala changing table
23:44That's where I'm at
23:47You know the koala changing table
23:48Men have those in their bathrooms
23:50Right?
23:51Cause that's
23:52You need them in case a MILF needs to get fisted
23:54Is that what they're for
23:55In a men's room
23:56Right?
23:58That's where I'm at
23:58I like fisting porn now
24:00I just
24:00I can't believe it either
24:02It's disgusting
24:03I never thought I'd be here
24:04I
24:05I remember the first time fisting
24:06Was even suggested to me by porn
24:08Cause porn will like monitor your habits
24:10And they're like
24:11Hey you know
24:12Based on all the gangbangs
24:13You've been watching
24:14Um
24:16We don't have anymore
24:18So maybe
24:19A fisting compilation
24:23I was like what the fuck
24:25I was offended
24:25I was like get this off my screen
24:27Gross
24:28And they were like
24:29We'll see you in a month
24:29And they were right
24:32I love it
24:33I'm in my fisting era
24:34I love it
24:36Cause I like seeing women doing feats of athleticism that are just out of this world
24:41And fisting is insane
24:42To have a whole man's fist and arm go in your pussy
24:46That's incredible
24:48I'm like blown away at these women
24:51Cause it seems impossible
24:52That's what I like about it
24:53It seems impossible
24:54But you know it's not
24:55A baby's head is supposed to come out of there
24:57So it can fit
24:58But like how?
25:00It's kinda like
25:01You know what it's like?
25:02It's like um
25:02When you try to put a sleeping bag back into the bag it came in
25:05Like that's
25:06Where you're like
25:07We know it was there once
25:08It has to go
25:09But how?
25:09Wow
25:10That's what I like
25:13I love it
25:16And I love
25:17I love the dynamic between the fister and the fisty
25:20Like I like
25:21I like when the guy is like
25:23Kinda gruff and mean
25:24He's like
25:24Take it you fucking whore
25:26Like I like when he's like mean
25:28There's something about that
25:29I want that guy to be so mean
25:31But he like
25:32Believes in her
25:33Like I love that
25:34It's sweet
25:37I love that like Russian gymnastics coach energy
25:40You know like
25:41You can do it Carrie
25:42And like
25:44I like that
25:47And then the best part is
25:49When he does get it in
25:50And then
25:50He gets it in
25:51And then he goes
25:52Good girl
25:53And that's like
25:54Oh
25:56Yahtzee
25:56Like that
25:58Close the laptop
25:59I'm good to go
26:00Like good girl
26:01Every girl loves it
26:03Every girl is horny
26:04To be told good girl
26:05And it's
26:06I rarely generalize
26:08But I have yet to meet a woman
26:09Or a gay man
26:10Bottom
26:11Who doesn't love
26:12To be called good girl
26:14We all love it
26:16Please say it
26:17I'm telling you
26:18We all like it
26:19And I know there are men
26:20That are scared to say it
26:22Because you're like
26:23It sounds like I'm her dad
26:24But it's like
26:25Exactly
26:26Okay
26:27Just do it
26:28Be my dad
26:29You know
26:32It is it
26:34Right
26:34We want to be good girls
26:35And it frees us
26:37Of the shame
26:37That sex brings upon us
26:38You know
26:39We live in a really
26:40Puritanical Christian society
26:42And we absorb all the shame
26:43Of like
26:44Oh if I enjoy sex
26:45If I like cumming
26:46There's something wrong with me
26:48I'm a bad girl
26:48And I might not get into heaven
26:50Jesus might be mad
26:51Because I'm a whore
26:52Right
26:54We kind of feel sad about it
26:56But not if a guy says
26:57Good girl
26:58After you do something whoreish
27:00Freeze you of it
27:01Because after he says
27:02Good girl
27:03You're like
27:03I'm not a whore
27:04I'm just an A student
27:05You know
27:06That was just the assignment
27:09You're like
27:09I could roll up on the pearly gates
27:11With a pearly face
27:12And be like
27:12Listen I didn't want this
27:14You think I like this
27:15You think I like this
27:16You think I like this
27:17No I was heeding the man
27:19Jebediah anointed me
27:20With his seed
27:21I had nothing to do with this
27:23He did it in a cross
27:24You've heard of Ash Wednesday
27:26Well he told me it was
27:27Splooge Tuesday
27:28Is that not a thing?
27:30Have I been tricked?
27:32Okay which way is hell?
27:33Okay
27:38Come on the faces
27:39Kind of crazy
27:39I mean
27:40Let's talk about it for a second
27:42I've
27:43I've done it like
27:43A handful of times
27:44This week
27:45But it's not
27:46It's not an everyday thing
27:48I think it's a nice thing
27:49To offer a guy
27:51That you really love
27:51I'm talking about like
27:52Your husband
27:53Someone you really love
27:54He's seen it girls
27:55He's jerked off to women
27:56Getting cum on their face
27:57And I know it was
27:58Before he met you
27:59Tonight to come to the show
28:01But it's
28:03It's in his past
28:03He's seen it
28:05But he wouldn't dream
28:06Of asking you
28:07To come on your face
28:08You know
28:08You have to ask
28:09You have to be like
28:10Come on my face
28:11And I'll be like
28:11What?
28:12Matthew?
28:13Templeton Green?
28:14Come on my face
28:16You gotta get mommy about it
28:17They like that too
28:20And this is something
28:21He's only seen on a screen
28:22So when he gets to do it
28:24He's gonna be like
28:24The movies are real
28:27Whoa
28:28Whoa
28:29Like the wonder
28:30It's like he's going to
28:31Universal Studios
28:32For the first time
28:33It's like
28:34Whoa
28:37You can give a make a wish
28:39To a middle aged man
28:40How cool is that?
28:47But you
28:48You have to ask
28:49Cause he's not gonna ask
28:50He wants it
28:52But your sweet husband
28:53He's not gonna ask
28:54He's not gonna be like
28:55Like that's
28:57You didn't marry a
28:59Persian club promoter
29:00Like you're not
29:02Your husband isn't
29:03Dean Cain
29:04So he's not gonna
29:05Ask
29:06Your sweet husband
29:08Who has to ask
29:08Your permission to eat
29:09A second cupcake
29:10Isn't gonna be like
29:11Part your bangs Bridget
29:13Like
29:13Like
29:14No
29:15He's a nice guy
29:16You gotta ask
29:20Ladies
29:21Can you imagine in bed
29:22If your husband asked you
29:23If you wanted something
29:24That you would've always wanted
29:25But like
29:26Were too afraid to ask
29:27It would be like
29:27The same thing as if
29:28Your husband was like
29:29Hey, tonight
29:30Do you want me to
29:31Go downstairs
29:32And do the dishes
29:34While this black guy
29:34Comes in to fuck you?
29:35You'd be like
29:40The movies are real
29:47Same thing
29:47Same thing
29:50And listen
29:51I know cum in the face
29:52Is a little degrading
29:53But it's a gift you can give
29:55That's free
29:55All it costs is a little dignity
29:57And it's like
29:58Who cares?
29:59It's
30:00It's kind of fun
30:00It looks like you just won
30:01A Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award
30:03That's like
30:05You got slimed
30:06Who cares?
30:09It's fun
30:11Just don't get it in your eye
30:12That's the only thing
30:13That I would recommend
30:15Don't get it in your eye
30:16I got it in my eye one time
30:17I didn't mean to
30:18But he did
30:19And so
30:21It got in my eye
30:23And I
30:23I wasn't worried at first
30:25Cause I was like
30:26You know it's not gonna be soothing
30:27By any means
30:28But I thought
30:28Oh it'll sting like shampoo
30:30Or something
30:30But it stung like sriracha
30:33Like I don't know
30:34What the Scoville rating
30:36On semen is
30:38But we gotta get this stuff
30:39On Hot Ones
30:40I mean it was
30:42Acidic
30:42It was searing my eye hole
30:45I was screaming
30:46I was like
30:47Like it felt like an acid attack
30:49I was like
30:49Am I a woman in Sudan
30:50With an opinion?
30:52Like what the fuck?
30:53I promise I won't drive
30:55I was like
30:57Writhing in agony
31:00I'm like
31:01Does it burn coming out?
31:03Is that
31:04Is that why you guys
31:05Sound like that?
31:06When you're like
31:07Like
31:07Like is it
31:08Is it searing your dick hole?
31:10What's happening?
31:12Cause
31:12That honestly would make sense
31:13Why you look
31:14And sound like that
31:18It was horrible
31:19I was freaking out
31:21I um
31:22And I knew it was infecting
31:23Like I felt an eye infection come on
31:25I've had a lot of eye infections
31:26I've had pink eye a lot
31:28Cause I love skeeball
31:29And so I was like
31:30I know what this is
31:32I gotta get the drops
31:34You know?
31:35Cause I had to be on TV
31:36The next day
31:37And I was like
31:37I can't do the view
31:38With cum in my eye
31:40Who am I?
31:41Who am I?
31:41Joy Behar?
31:42You know?
31:44So I had to go to urgent care
31:45And I
31:46Drive over there
31:47And I'm like
31:48So nervous to tell the doctor
31:50Like what happened
31:51But I gotta tell him the truth
31:52So I'm trying to dress it up
31:54In like doctor talk
31:55And so
31:55I'm like
31:56Um
31:57So
31:58During coitus
31:59My
32:02Paramore
32:02Um
32:05Accidentally ejaculated
32:06Seminal fluid
32:07Into my ocular cum hole
32:09I mean
32:10In my eye
32:11Who could've said eye?
32:15He didn't care
32:16Doctors don't care
32:17They've heard it all
32:17He was immediately like
32:19Just jotting down my prescription
32:20And he diagnosed me as a good girl
32:22And I was like
32:22What?
32:24What'd you say?
32:25Really?
32:34I was like
32:35You can get the other eye if you want
32:36I got the drugs
32:37We might as well
32:38I can treat it
32:44Oh guys
32:45I'm 41
32:46I don't have kids
32:50Yeah
32:51I'm 41
32:52No kids
32:53Uh
32:53I don't want kids
32:54Um
32:55Being a mom
32:56I look at it
32:57I'm like
32:57Ugh
32:58That is so much work
32:59And that's why
33:00I would be a dad
33:02Like tonight
33:02Like I
33:07Be a dad
33:10Absolutely be a dad
33:13First of all
33:14If you're a dad
33:14And let's say you don't like it
33:16You can leave
33:17Like you can just be like
33:19This isn't for me
33:20I'm not ready
33:21And you can split
33:23We don't love it
33:24You know
33:25But it's precedented
33:26It's not insane
33:27You know
33:28The deadbeat dad
33:29That's
33:30That's an American archetype
33:31You know
33:32The deadbeat dad
33:33I think it's the Florida State Bird
33:35I think he's getting it changed
33:36Has it happened yet?
33:40You know
33:42You know
33:42It's a full-time job
33:43To be a mom
33:44And to be a dad
33:45It's like a
33:46Paid internship
33:47At your uncle's company
33:48I mean
33:48It's just
33:50It's not
33:51It's not nothing to be a dad
33:53But it's close
33:54I mean
33:54It's so close
33:55To nothing
33:56It is
33:58I'm not mad about it
34:00I'm just jealous
34:00I just want to be a dad
34:02Cause if you do stick around
34:04And you're a good dad
34:05We like lose our minds
34:06At anything you do
34:07Because the bar is so low
34:08You get so much credit
34:11There's like a whole
34:12TikTok subgenre
34:13Of dads
34:14Doing their daughters hair
34:15For the first time
34:16Cause their wife is
34:17Hanging herself in the basement
34:18Or something
34:18You know
34:19Like it's
34:21She finally found a way out
34:22But
34:25We love these videos
34:27Right?
34:27Of dads like
34:28Just being like
34:29I don't know what I'm doing
34:29And he's like using a vacuum cleaner
34:31To suck up her ponytail
34:32And like a bread tie
34:34To tie it off
34:35He's like
34:35Putting a chip clip on top
34:37Like
34:37Is this good?
34:38We're like
34:39No it looks like shit
34:39But we love it
34:40We're like
34:41It's so funny
34:42Like, like, like, like, like
34:43Share, share, share
34:44It has millions of views
34:45It goes viral
34:46The guys on
34:47Good Morning America
34:48The next Monday
34:49To talk about it
34:51They're like
34:52Today on our show
34:53We're dedicating
34:54Our Mother's Day episode
34:55To
34:55A different kind of mom
34:57A dad
35:00What?
35:03Oh, we love it
35:04And he's being interviewed
35:05And they're like
35:05John, now tell us
35:06What compelled you
35:07To do the bare minimum?
35:09Like, walk us through
35:09What was going through your head
35:11When you decided to
35:12Spend time with your girl child?
35:15That's crazy
35:18We can't believe it
35:19Can you imagine
35:20If someone sent you
35:21A TikTok of a mom
35:22Doing her daughter's hair?
35:24You'd be like
35:24What the fuck is this?
35:25Why am I watching this?
35:27Why am I watching this?
35:28You'd be like
35:28Is there gonna be like
35:29A home invasion or something?
35:30Like, where's the payoff?
35:31What's
35:32Oh, does the ceiling fan
35:33Fall off and chop off
35:34Both her heads?
35:35Cause
35:37What's the point?
35:38No, we don't
35:40We don't care
35:40Moms could be doing
35:41Their daughter's hair perfectly
35:42And we would still scrutinize
35:44The comments would be awful
35:45They'd be like
35:46You're pulling too hard
35:47She's a girl, not a horse
35:50I hope your uterus falls out
35:52Why haven't you said anything
35:54About Palestine?
35:57We need to know where you stand
36:00Jesus Christ
36:03It's too hard
36:04It's too stressful to be a mom
36:06I'm too stressed to be an aunt
36:08I really am
36:10I was staying with my sister
36:12Not too long ago
36:13At her house
36:14And at one point
36:15I was like
36:15I'm gonna go take a shower
36:16And my nephew comes running
36:18In the room
36:18And he's like
36:19I'm gonna take a shower with you
36:20I'm gonna take a shower with you
36:21He's 18
36:22I was like
36:22What is going on with his voice?
36:24Why is no one talking about this?
36:26He's frozen in time
36:27What's happening?
36:30No
36:31He was four
36:31And um
36:34And it was cute
36:34You know
36:35He wanted to hang out with me
36:36In the shower
36:36But I guess it's not weird
36:37My sister was like
36:38Oh, it's fine
36:38We do it
36:39He goes in with us
36:40You can go in
36:45I don't think you should do that
36:46And she was like
36:47It's fine
36:47And I go
36:48Well maybe if you like
36:48Come in and watch us
36:50I think that's maybe better
36:53She was like
36:53Why?
36:54And I'm like
36:54Cause what if I molest him?
36:56I mean I just feel like
36:59Do you know I won't?
37:01You know?
37:03She was like
37:03I thought I did
37:04And I'm like
37:05Good
37:05You don't know
37:06You don't know
37:09She doesn't
37:09She doesn't
37:10But she asked
37:11She was like
37:11Would you?
37:12And I was like
37:12No!
37:13What the fuck?
37:13Ew!
37:14I would never
37:16But that's what I'd say
37:17If I was gonna
37:18You know like I'd lie
37:19Pedophiles lie
37:21They're not undercover cops
37:23They don't gotta tell you
37:23What they're about
37:24You know?
37:26You can't trust anyone
37:28I mean
37:29And I know I'm an ant
37:30But ants are just female uncles dude
37:32Like come on
37:33Open your eyes
37:35And I know that I won't
37:36If I think about it
37:37It's like
37:37But like what if it's something
37:39You don't know that you are
37:40Until you get in there
37:41And then you're like
37:41Oh this is my thing
37:43You know like
37:44What if it opens up
37:45A part of my brain
37:46That's dormant?
37:48No one chooses to be a pedophile
37:50It just lands there
37:51I can't
37:53You don't
37:53Don't mess with that
37:54You know?
37:56People think this is crazy
37:57But I'm like
37:57How many times in my life
37:59Have I looked at something
38:00And been like
38:00That is disgusting
38:01I would never do that
38:02And now I'm like
38:03Pickleball's kind of fun actually
38:05So like I
38:07I don't trust my brain
38:11Just don't get like male babysitters
38:13I can't even understand
38:14Why people get male babysitters
38:15It's
38:16If you got one tonight
38:17I'm sure it's fine
38:18But like
38:19What are you doing?
38:22Oh boy
38:23You're playing with fire
38:24I'm just saying
38:27I'm sure you got a good one
38:28And I'm sure you have cameras
38:30And if you don't he does
38:31But what I'm saying is
38:32Don't
38:35I'm not saying all male babysitters are pedophiles
38:37That's not what I'm saying
38:38I'm just saying
38:39If I was a pedophile
38:40I know what line of work
38:41I would look into
38:42I mean they follow their dreams
38:44You know?
38:44It's the easiest way in too
38:46They don't have to join the catholic priesthood
38:48And larp their way through that bullshit
38:51That's an in
38:52But it's a lot of work
38:53You know?
38:54They don't have to befriend a billionaire with an island
38:57And like
38:58You don't have to sit next to Bill Gates on a private plane
39:00You don't have to help Stephen Hawking up a ramp
39:03I mean that's like a lot of stuff
39:05To get to what you want
39:08But a male babysitter?
39:09You just gotta be like
39:09I'm free Thursday
39:11It's like your TSA pre-check
39:13You're right in
39:15So don't get him
39:16And uh
39:17And if you did get one tonight
39:18These are just jokes
39:19You don't need to leave the show early to relieve him
39:21Your toddler already did
39:23But that's the worst
39:24Listen
39:25I know
39:27It's the worst joke I've ever told
39:28It's the worst thing I've ever thought
39:30You think I wanna think that?
39:34What the fuck?
39:39But
39:41Back to Arlo wanting to take a shower with me
39:43It's
39:45I think I just didn't want him to see my vagina
39:47Cause I remember when he asked
39:48My first thought was like
39:49What does my vagina look like?
39:51Like that's
39:52And that's a weird thought
39:53Cause that means like
39:54I'm not trying to say there's an ideal version of it for him
39:57Like Arlo check it out
39:59Like
40:00I shaved Paw Patrol into it
40:01Like that's
40:03It's not like
40:04It's ever good enough for him to see
40:06But this day
40:08I thought it would just be too jarring for him
40:10I had grown out all the hair
40:11He would have seen it
40:13And thought it was
40:13Shel Silverstein on the back of the giving tree
40:15You know it would just
40:17And believe me
40:18It was giving tree top
40:19And so it was like
40:21I just didn't wanna ambush him with my ant bush
40:24I mean it's like
40:27Cause he's four right?
40:28And four is the age where you have your first memory
40:31And
40:31I feel like he would have looked at my
40:33Giant bush
40:35And then his consciousness would have been like
40:37And we're live
40:38Start recording
40:39It's just like
40:41I can't do that to him
40:42Cause that happened to me
40:44It did
40:44I saw my aunt's vagina
40:46At a really young age
40:47Before I was ready
40:49Not that I'd ever be ready
40:50But
40:52And I remember it so well
40:54It's one of my most vivid memories
40:56We were on a speed boat in Lake Michigan
40:58My aunt was driving
40:59Okay
41:00One hand on the wheel
41:01Cigarette and mouth
41:02And she used her free hand
41:04To right in front of my face
41:06Put a tampon in
41:07Just slipped it to the side
41:08Loaded a tampon in
41:09It happened so fast
41:11She was like John Wick
41:13It was like
41:13Like loading a gun
41:16It was like John Wick
41:18But with more blood
41:19I mean I was like
41:20What am I seeing?
41:23I had no clue what I was watching
41:25I mean she was putting this big cardboard thing
41:28You know one of those old Tampax 80s ones
41:30Looked like a paper towel roll
41:32You know like it was
41:33It squeaked when it went in
41:35She took the remnants
41:37Threw them behind her
41:38They hit my cousin in the head
41:39And he's tubing
41:42He got tubed while tubing
41:47I learned so much
41:48I didn't even know what I learned
41:50I just learned there's storage up there
41:52And I was like
41:52A place for my Pogs
41:56Fuck yeah
41:56Okay
41:59But it's really the only thing I remember from that trip
42:02And my cousin drowned that day
42:04So it's
42:06Don't remember how
42:07I know
42:08So um
42:10I'm gonna take off my jacket
42:11Cause um
42:12Thank you
42:18Yeah
42:19This is the part of the show
42:21Where I get into horrifying detail
42:22About the state of my vagina
42:24And
42:26So
42:26Just cause I'm giving you graphic imagery
42:28About what's going on down there
42:29I just wanna remind you that I have amazing tits
42:31So that's why
42:32This is off
42:33Focus on these
42:34For what you're about to hear
42:35Here dad take this
42:37That's my dad
42:41He's shrouding himself in it
42:43Good boy
42:50So let's talk about it
42:51So
42:52My pussy is now 41 inches long
42:55And
42:55It's starting
42:56To fall
42:58Down the sides
42:59Each outer lip
43:00Is like getting a little
43:01Salvador Dali-esque
43:03Like the melting clocks
43:05It's not good
43:06And I want you to know
43:08It's gonna happen to all of you
43:09Young ladies
43:10I know you don't think this
43:11I remember being you
43:12Like not me
43:13Cause maybe you're one of these girls
43:14That just has like two lips
43:16And a line
43:16Little Dua Lipa
43:17Mmm
43:23Fuck you
43:24Fuck you
43:25If you have two lips and a line
43:27Oh, I've always wanted two lips and a line
43:30I've never been able to get it
43:31I've never been able to get it
43:32I have to like stuff everything in
43:33Like I can get it
43:35But I stuff it all in
43:36And then I have to put some lash glue on the sides
43:38And then I have to squeeze it together
43:40I sing happy birthday
43:42And then I can let it go
43:44And it's like
43:44It doesn't look the same as yours
43:47It looks like Louis Armstrong playing the trumpet
43:49You know, it's like
43:54It's just drooping
43:55It's like falling down
43:56I'm starting to grow out my bush
43:57Just to give it like a chiseled jawline
44:00You know, like fat men do with beards
44:02Just cover it up
44:04Cause it falls
44:05No one ever told me it would fall
44:06Does it fall off eventually?
44:09Do I shed it like an exoskeleton?
44:11I don't need it anymore
44:13I just, it's changed for me
44:15I used to worry about camel toe
44:16Now I'm worried about Basset Hound head
44:18So it's like
44:23Have you ever just looked at your aging genitals
44:25After not seeing them for a while
44:26And just thought to yourself
44:27Oh, I guess I can't leave my husband
44:29You know, I can't take this out on the marketplace
44:34I'll stay with him
44:35He doesn't care, he's grandfathered in, you know
44:39There comes a point in your life
44:40Where your pussy looks so bedraggled
44:42That you're like
44:43I can't go through another vaginal reveal with someone
44:45You know?
44:47You know what I mean?
44:48That tense moment
44:49Where a guy touches your pussy for the first time
44:51And you like hold your breath
44:53Like
44:53Like you're about to hear the winner of American Idol
44:55Like you're just like
44:56What's the verdict?
44:58And then he has to like sort through your labia
45:01That you've kind of like crammed into the middle
45:05It's like clumped together like day-old Thai food, you know?
45:10It's just like congealed pad see ew
45:14Yeah, pad see ew
45:15He pads it
45:17He sees it
45:17He's like ew
45:18You know, it's
45:22My whole life has been insecurities about my vagina
45:24They change all the time
45:26You know, I think when you first start out as a young woman
45:28You're hooking up with guys
45:29You're so scared that they're gonna make fun of your pussy
45:31Cause you hear, oh smell is a bad thing
45:34So you worry but you don't really know what it's supposed to smell like
45:37I still do the smell test before I hook up
45:40I'll just like
45:40I'm like
45:42Oh
45:44Perfect
45:44Okay
45:47Cause
45:49It should smell bad
45:51It's a wet pocket three inches from my asshole
45:54Like it's
45:55It shouldn't smell good
45:59Wet pocket
46:00Um
46:06So you worry about smell
46:08You worry about tightness
46:09Cause you hear jokes that guys make
46:11Funny jokes
46:12They're like, oh this girl was so loose
46:14It was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway
46:17You've heard that, right?
46:19When I heard that I'm like
46:20That sounds quite fun actually
46:22Just like toss a hot dog down a hallway
46:25And watch it like flap around
46:26Like
46:26That's fun
46:29And also
46:30That kind of sounds like
46:31A hot dog problem to me
46:33Like that's
46:34Is that on us?
46:39Yeah
46:41I don't think you can throw a redwood tree down a hallway
46:44It's all I'm saying
46:44It's all I'm saying
46:47Not that I'm doing
46:52But it's funny
46:53Cause whenever you complain about these like vaginal insecurities
46:56There's like always an older woman that overhears you
46:58And she's always like
46:59Ah
47:00They don't care
47:02As long as it's warm and wet
47:06And you're like
47:06Thanks Obi-Wan Kenobi
47:09I didn't ask
47:12I don't even have wet anymore
47:14I can't be like
47:14Well at least it's wet
47:15I'm 41
47:16I don't get wet
47:17The best I get is
47:18Tacky
47:19Like it's like
47:23Like an old man's mouth
47:24It like
47:27It smacks
47:28I literally hear it smack
47:30When I open my legs sometimes
47:34It's humiliating
47:37Never wet
47:38Never wet
47:38Ever
47:40Not never
47:40I get like little spurts of it
47:42Probably like two a month
47:44I get a little
47:46Just out of nowhere
47:47Just
47:48It's not connected to me being turned on
47:50I don't think
47:51Cause the last time it happened
47:52I was at Starbucks
47:53And they were like
47:54We're out of oat milk
47:55And I'm like
47:55Like right on it
47:57I was like
47:59Why that?
48:03He wasn't even mean about it
48:04Like why am I horny?
48:08He's like
48:09We have coconut milk
48:10I'm like
48:10I do too actually
48:11I just
48:12Brewed my own
48:16I think my biggest insecurity
48:18About my vagina
48:19My whole life
48:19Has been
48:20The inner lips
48:21The labia minora
48:23My minora are majora
48:25You know like
48:26They're
48:27Hanging out
48:28And I really didn't know
48:29This was a thing
48:30I was 19 when I figured out
48:31That this might be a problem
48:32I was a virgin
48:33No one had ever seen my vagina
48:34I figured
48:35Oh I have the same vagina as everyone else
48:36And then one night
48:37I was listening to a Dane Cook album
48:39One of my favorite comedians
48:41And he had a great joke
48:42About going down on a girl
48:44With too many lips
48:44Oh too many lips
48:46And I was like
48:46What's this?
48:47And he described it like
48:48He said at one point
48:49It was like getting lost
48:50In the stage curtains
48:51Of his high school
48:52He was like rolling around in them
48:54It was hilarious
48:56But I was like
48:56What's he talking about?
48:57And I looked down at mine
48:58And there was a production
48:59Of Brigadoon going on down there
49:01I'm like
49:02Dane Cook wouldn't fuck me
49:07And I was like
49:07Oh my god
49:08I cannot have this kind of vagina
49:09I was like
49:10I have to do something about it
49:11So I was like
49:12Researching into
49:14Labiaplasty
49:15I was broke
49:16But I was saving up money
49:17For the surgery
49:17Where they take off
49:19Your labia
49:19And they donate it
49:20To lobes of love
49:22For kids who have been afflicted
49:24With childhood earlobe cancer
49:25It's a beautiful organization
49:27But
49:29But it was a race against time
49:30Right?
49:30So I'm 19
49:32And I desperately want to hook up
49:34But I can't
49:35Because I just imagine
49:36That if any guy even fingers me
49:37He'd be like
49:38What is this?
49:39And he'd be like
49:41And like puke on me
49:42And leave me in the woods
49:43And he wouldn't be able
49:45To untangle his hand
49:46And he'd have to
49:46127 hours his self out
49:48And
49:50I just had this whole story
49:51So I was like
49:52I have to fix it
49:53And then
49:54I went to this party in college
49:55With a bunch of my friends
49:56And it was crazy
49:57Because this guy
49:58I had liked all of college
49:59He finally broke up
50:00With his girlfriend
50:01And my friends are like
50:02He wants to be with you
50:03And you're gonna hook up finally
50:04But I
50:05I didn't want to tell them
50:06Because I didn't tell anyone
50:07Like it's ironic
50:08I'm talking about it
50:09Into a microphone now
50:10Because at the time
50:11This pussy stuff
50:12Like I kept it inside
50:14Not it
50:14But like the idea of it
50:17Was in my heart
50:18I hadn't told anyone
50:18But then my friends were like
50:20You're gonna hook up with him
50:21And I was like
50:21I can't
50:22And they were like
50:22What do you mean?
50:23And I was like
50:24My pussy is
50:25My pussy is whack
50:28And I said whack
50:29Because this was 2005
50:30And we said that then
50:31Okay?
50:32I was like
50:33My pussy looks like
50:34It's saying
50:34Watson
50:36You know like
50:36They got it
50:39This was 2005
50:41I'm wearing juicy sweatpants
50:42Not the brand
50:43They just were
50:44But
50:46But
50:47But they were like
50:47What are you talking about
50:48Nikki?
50:49We've never heard of this
50:50And I was like
50:50Well like you know how
50:51Most of the time
50:52It's just like
50:52Two lips and a line
50:53While like
50:54In that line
50:55There's like a
50:56It looks like
50:57There's like a baby octopus
50:58Coming out to like
50:59Forage for food
51:00For the first time
51:01You know like
51:02On a nature documentary
51:03Where it's like
51:03Coming out
51:05And they were like
51:06I think so
51:07And
51:08They go
51:08I think ours are like that
51:10And I was like
51:10What?
51:11Show me
51:11Show me now
51:14And they were like
51:15Okay
51:15Because they're good friends
51:16And so
51:17They were like
51:17Let's go in the bathroom
51:18Five of us went
51:20Into this bathroom
51:20At this party
51:21And everyone was like
51:22What are you guys doing?
51:23And we were like
51:23Coke
51:23And so we went in
51:26And pulled out our pussies
51:29It was so helpful to me
51:30This day changed my life
51:31Truly
51:31Because my first two friends
51:33That showed me their vaginas
51:34They looked exactly like mine
51:36And I was like
51:36Oh my god
51:37We are like three
51:38Steven Tyler singing
51:39Like just lips
51:40And scarves
51:43I was like
51:44Yes
51:45My lips, sis
51:46I was so happy
51:49And then my friend
51:50Kirsten was next
51:51And she's the girl
51:52That like
51:52Is like perfect all the time
51:54But tries to fit in
51:55With your like
51:55Friends who aren't
51:57You know?
51:57You know this friend
51:58Like she pulled down her underwear
51:59She was like
52:00Is this bad?
52:01And it was just the most
52:02Perfect little dime slot pussy ever
52:07I was like
52:08You come in here
52:08With your little uncrustable pussy
52:10You can't do that
52:12We're standing here
52:13With our lamb gyros
52:14That look like
52:15They fell on the sidewalk
52:16That's not okay
52:17Turn around
52:20So mad
52:23But then the next girl
52:24Took down her underwear
52:25And that was the best part
52:26Now this is my fifth friend
52:28This is the thing girls
52:29If you have any lip shame
52:30You need to do this
52:31You need to see normal vaginas
52:32So this is what you gotta do
52:34You gotta get five friends
52:35Five
52:35Is the key number
52:38You can do four
52:39You can do four
52:40But four is risky
52:41Cause four
52:42You might be the dangler
52:44And you don't wanna be the dangler
52:45You don't wanna be the worst
52:47You just need one girl
52:49Who's worse than you
52:50And you are good to go
52:52And that was my friend Hala
52:53My friend Hala
52:56She pulled down her
52:57She didn't pull it down
52:58She just
52:58You know pulled her underwear
53:00To the side
53:00And it fell out
53:01Like
53:03It was like she had a message
53:04For the king
53:04It like unfurled
53:05And we were like
53:06Whoa
53:08It was like
53:09We were like
53:10Did you hear a horn?
53:12We were like
53:12Do we salute?
53:13Or like
53:14Buckingham's palace
53:15Or like
53:16I wanna do the right protocol
53:18We were horrified
53:22We weren't even
53:23Good friends about it
53:23Like a good friend
53:24When you see something horrifying
53:25With your friend
53:26You go
53:26Oh it's not that bad
53:27That's fine
53:27You know?
53:28But we were like
53:29What the fuck?
53:32You don't deserve love
53:33Like
53:35She's like
53:35Is it bad?
53:36Is this bad?
53:40You're like
53:40Dude how do you ride a bike?
53:42Like it looks like
53:43You're making pasta
53:48She didn't care
53:49Oh my god
53:50She was instantly like
53:51Making jokes about it
53:51She was like
53:52Seriously guys
53:52It's so long
53:53It's crazy
53:54She was like
53:54If I stretch it out
53:55It can like
53:56Touch the ground
53:57We were like
53:58Should it?
53:59You're gonna get athletes laid
54:00Like pick it up
54:03She was so cool about it
54:05She was like
54:05Guys
54:05I'm going back to the party
54:06And she was like
54:07Over her shoulder
54:08Continental soldier
54:09Like
54:09Bye guys
54:10You're like
54:14Just pussies a game
54:15Like
54:16How do you have that much confidence?
54:19Did your mom hug you?
54:21Did you go to Montessori?
54:23Why do you like yourself?
54:26But it was just this beautiful moment
54:28Where she had taken this pussy
54:30That looked like it had sat on a grenade
54:32And she
54:34She wore it like a vag of honor
54:36You know?
54:37She made it funny
54:39She was just like
54:40Silly about it
54:42And it just
54:42It made me realize
54:44That I shouldn't care
54:44About this stuff either
54:45Like
54:45I always think about
54:47Hala's labia
54:48Whenever I'm feeling insecure
54:49Or I'm at a car wash
54:51And the wet flaps
54:52Or like
54:52Hitting the windshield
54:53I'm like
54:55I shouldn't care either
54:57And things turned out great for her
54:59Really
54:59I mean
55:00We're still best friends
55:01Until she sees this on a special
55:03But
55:03She
55:05No
55:06She really
55:06She turned out great
55:07She married like the hottest guy
55:09From our high school
55:09Um
55:10He's blind and has no hands
55:12But
55:14She has a great life
55:15We all just reunited recently
55:17At uh
55:18Hala's wedding
55:18It was so fun
55:19I got to hold her labia
55:20In the ceremony
55:21It was so beautiful
55:22We stretched it out
55:24I missed the ceremony
55:25Cause I was in the street
55:26But like
55:27We just wanted to get the full
55:29Breath of it
55:30You know
55:30It was beautiful
55:31That was a fun day
55:32I saw all those girls
55:34From that bathroom
55:34My friend Kirsten
55:35With a perfect pussy
55:36She was there
55:36But she just had a baby
55:38And it was like
55:39A honker
55:40I mean
55:40This was like
55:40A nine pounder
55:42So I was like
55:43Guess whose pussy's perfect now
55:46Yeah
55:47Still hers
55:48She had a c-section
55:48But
55:50What are you gonna do?
55:51Guys
55:51You were a great crowd
55:53And I hope I was a good girl
55:56I love you
55:58Goodnight
56:00Be a good
56:02slut
56:02Good girl
56:04Be a good
56:06and take place
56:07Make it down
56:08on your knees
56:09Be a world
56:10Good
56:10Lord
56:11Run
56:12Shut your mouth
56:14And lead
56:14Psychic dance
56:16Embrace
56:17How do you love?
56:20Take a hand
56:21Take a hand
56:21Take a hand
56:22Take a hand
56:23Take a hand
56:26They say it's sexy
56:29When a girl can just speak her mind
56:34But when you let me
56:37The crowd goes soft, she sounds like a guy
56:41They pull you close and whisper, you can have it all, dear
56:45You'll have the perfect life
56:49So many options, be a mom or baby, boss is why
56:56Be a good, good, good girl
57:00You're a slut or a tease
57:03Now get down on your knees
57:05Be a good, good, good girl
57:08How the fuck can we resist?
57:11They've redacted every list
57:13Good girl
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