00:01I'm washing my hands at least 20 times a day.
00:04I have to wash my hands after I touch anything.
00:06I wash my hands so much that the tops of my hands bleed sometimes.
00:11I know that washing my hands this many times is compulsive,
00:14but I just can't stop doing it because I'm too afraid of being sick.
00:18I'm obsessed with staying healthy.
00:20I'm obsessed with germs.
00:23And it's only contagious things that bother me and airborne things.
00:26But if you told me you have the flu, now I'm getting panicky.
00:30I was afraid to go to the grocery store.
00:32I was afraid to be in situations where there were children.
00:35It's very hard to live with something that you don't want,
00:40but also you feel like it keeps you out of immediate danger.
00:44Coronavirus has taken over the world, basically.
00:48My worst fears are coming true.
00:50Everything that everyone told me wouldn't happen is now happening.
01:09I'm Tracy Carnazzo. I live in New York City, and I'm a professional podcaster.
01:14This is my bed, and I feel like if I keep everything white, I could bleach it,
01:18and that actually will get the germs out,
01:20because there's nothing that kills a stomach virus except for bleach.
01:23So I bleach my pillowcases, my sheets, my duvet every single week.
01:28I watch reality TV, and then I take notes on it,
01:30and then I podcast about it, the recap.
01:32So I'm always in bed taking notes.
01:34That's why I have pen marks on my pillowcases.
01:36I'm like, don't worry, I'll bleach them right out.
01:38I like to be safe in my apartment.
01:39I try to keep it clean.
01:40I'm not, like, obsessively cleaning.
01:42I'm obsessively putting things in order.
01:44And I use these wipes because they kill everything.
01:48These are, like, heavy-duty wipes.
01:50You do not use them on your body.
01:51And I just, like, wipe everything off.
01:53And I always have foam soap,
01:54because I feel like foam soap gets the dirt off a little bit better.
01:57So I'm just disinfecting my countertops.
02:01I do this every single day,
02:03because I want to make sure that everything is clean.
02:08Have I killed you guys?
02:11Oh, my God.
02:13It's probably blowing you away.
02:16So this is my favorite counterspray
02:18because it is effective against the neurovirus.
02:22I use it every single day.
02:23I would love to spray that right into my mouth.
02:25I want to kill all of the germs.
02:29I remember being three years old,
02:31and I remember having my first anxiety attack.
02:34I always knew that there was something going on,
02:36but it was always like, Tracy, get over it.
02:38I was diagnosed with OCD in adulthood.
02:41I think that the obsessiveness and the compulsions
02:46are about the things in your life that you can control.
02:49I'm obsessed with staying healthy.
02:51I'm obsessed with germs.
02:53And it's only contagious things that bother me,
02:56and airborne things.
02:57I'm washing my hands constantly.
02:59I wash my hands so much that the tops of my hands bleed sometimes.
03:03I try to use lotion, but then I feel like the lotion also attracts dirt,
03:07because it's kind of sticky, and then I have to wash my hands again.
03:11And I'm washing my hands at least 10 times a day.
03:14Maybe not 10, probably like 20. I lied.
03:16I tried to be more normal.
03:18I know that washing my hands this many times is compulsive,
03:22but I just can't stop doing it because I'm just so afraid of catching something.
03:28I feel like I'm a slave to it.
03:31The main coping mechanism that I use is avoidance.
03:35I avoid situations where I'm not going to feel comfortable.
03:40I avoid taking public transportation.
03:42I avoid being at gatherings with lots of drinking.
03:45I avoid being around people that might be sick.
03:50New York City is definitely not the place for anyone with OCD to live,
03:54especially the public transportation.
03:56I know that we apparently have a great public transportation system
04:00compared to other cities, but to me, everything is dirty.
04:04There are just so many people.
04:06I haven't even seen a train this close in like seven years.
04:10It's really weird. I've only seen them from a distance.
04:14It's like reminding me of what it was like to commute every day.
04:17I have not been on the New York City subway or any kind of public transportation since 2012.
04:27Just thinking about like all of the germs that are on the train
04:31and all of the people that are like crammed in there on a rush hour commute.
04:36I can't do it anymore. I choose not to do it anymore.
04:40I've tried to create a life where it's not necessary,
04:44but there have been so many times where it would have been so much more convenient
04:49to use the subway or the railroad or a bus.
04:57Hi!
05:01Podcast recording is my full-time job.
05:03My co-host is my best friend, Noelle Winters,
05:05and we've been friends since we're children.
05:07Hello and welcome to BS Not Teen Mom Related.
05:11I'm your host, comedian and Reverend Tracy Carnazzo,
05:14joined by my co-host, Noelle Winters Herzog.
05:16That's me!
05:17We have a bunch of questions from you guys that we're going to answer.
05:20Podcasting is such a good career for me.
05:22I get to do it mostly from my home.
05:25There aren't crowds usually.
05:27It allows me to avoid a ton of triggers.
05:29So Noelle thinks that I live in a bubble.
05:31Noelle is married now for over a year,
05:34and she wants to have children soon.
05:37All of these fears and phobias have affected my relationship
05:41with friends that have kids
05:43because I don't even want to hang out with them anymore.
05:46Children are germ factories.
05:48They're vomit factories.
05:50I get afraid to hang out with them without their children even
05:52because if their children are sick at home,
05:55they're usually carrying something.
05:56I want to have kids,
05:58and it's something that I've thought about,
06:00like, what's going to happen in our relationship.
06:03I just want her to be happy.
06:05I think that she will love a child that comes from me.
06:09I can't see her being like,
06:10I don't want to ever see your child.
06:12I just don't see it happening.
06:14We'll start with some pictures.
06:15Yeah, that's fine.
06:15Start with some pictures.
06:16Like, through the phone.
06:18It's fine.
06:19Krista asks,
06:20What advice do you have for people who are going to therapy
06:23and in search for the right therapist?
06:25We've been using BetterHelp.
06:27BetterHelp saved me.
06:28Seriously, because we don't have to leave our house.
06:30It's probably the easiest way to get someone to quote, unquote,
06:34go to a therapist.
06:36Yes.
06:36And I started cognitive behavioral therapy about,
06:39I would say, six months ago.
06:41Cognitive behavioral therapy is changing the way you think
06:44and your thought patterns
06:45and figuring out why you're thinking certain things
06:48and changing your behaviors.
06:50Hey, how are you?
06:51I am good. How are you?
06:53Oh, man.
06:54This week's been a little bit tough.
06:56It's getting cold out now and a lot of germs,
06:58and it's kind of like flu season now,
07:00and I'm just getting a little bit hesitant
07:03to leave the house too much.
07:05I do therapy once a week with my therapist, Patricia,
07:08and I use online counseling.
07:10And what if, in the next two weeks,
07:12I get exposed to the flu and I catch the flu?
07:14The minute we start saying the what ifs,
07:17we take things to that next level
07:18and the next level and the next level,
07:20and we get into that vicious,
07:23what we call, cycle of suffering.
07:25I know logically that even if I got the flu,
07:29I'd probably be okay.
07:31But for some reason, like, even just thinking
07:35about getting that, like, makes me feel like
07:37this is going to be the death of me.
07:38You think of the worst-case scenario
07:41that ever could possibly happen.
07:45But, like, who wants to be sick?
07:47You're right. Who does want to be sick?
07:49Yet, are we going to always avoid it our whole life?
07:53I want to.
07:54You want to?
07:54I do. I really want to. I wish that I could.
07:56I watch people in the city walk around with these masks,
07:59and I'm like,
08:01oh, I know that's not socially acceptable,
08:02but I really want to do that.
08:04I feel like everyone looks at someone with a mask on like,
08:08they're nuts.
08:10And meanwhile, I look at them like,
08:11thank you so much for your service.
08:13When we have avoidance behaviors, what happens?
08:15Yeah, I know. I'm isolating myself,
08:17and I know that I'm trying to build this world
08:19where I just don't have these things to be exposed to.
08:23Am I being ridiculous,
08:25or am I just trying to keep myself healthy?
08:29To me, to be normal is not to have all of these fears
08:34and phobias and just worries.
08:36You know, I look at other people and I envy them
08:41when they're not afraid of germs,
08:43when, you know, they're going to visit their sick friends.
08:45I really, truly want to be able to do all of the things
08:49that I am afraid of.
08:50It's very hard to live with something that you don't want,
08:56but also you feel like it keeps you out of immediate danger.
09:04Hey, Tracy, it's Dan from Vice.
09:06Just wanted to check in and see how you're dealing with coronavirus.
09:10Let me make you louder so I can hear you.
09:12My worst fears are coming true.
09:15Everything that everyone told me wouldn't happen is now happening.
09:19There is contamination issues.
09:21The coronavirus has taken over the world.
09:23I'm cleaning even more than when you last saw me
09:26because I'm trying to sterilize things.
09:28I'm trying to sterilize light switches every few hours.
09:32I've been washing my hands every 30 minutes.
09:34The line between mental illness and actually just being prepared
09:37is very blurred right now.
09:39I miss the fact that, you know, I was the outsider
09:43and I was overreacting to things
09:44and now it's just the way that everyone's been reacting.
09:47People that don't suffer from anxiety, germophobia,
09:50they're all having a really hard time
09:53and I think that anxiety is heightened around the world
09:56for everyone across the board.
09:58And it is so much worse for me
10:00because I've been suffering from germophobia for so long
10:04that it's even more elevated than anyone could ever imagine.
10:08The only silver lining that I could see to this pandemic
10:11is that people are going to be more cautious
10:14and no one's really going to call me crazy anymore
10:17because they're all going to see what it's like
10:19to live life through my lens.
10:39The only silver lining is that people are going to be more
10:40the support that has been made out of the world
10:40and the child and the child.
10:40You
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