00:00we've all been there a small comment about the dishes or a missed text spirals into a two-hour
00:06battle your heart races your voice rises and suddenly you're saying things you'll regret
00:12tomorrow but what if i told you that conflict isn't the problem in fact the most successful
00:18relationships whether with a partner or a best friend don't avoid fights they just know how to
00:24fight better today we are diving deep into the psychology of conflict i'm going to show you how
00:31to stop the cycle of blame and turn even the heated arguments into a bridge for deeper connection
00:38let's get started to fix a fight you first need to understand what's happening inside your head
00:48when you're triggered your brain's alarm system the amygdala takes over this is the fight or flight
00:55mode your logical brain literally goes offline the science dr jill bolte taylor a harvard neuroanatomist
01:05discovered something fascinating the chemical process of an emotion lasts only 90 seconds
01:12from the moment you get angry to the moment that chemical surge flushes out of your blood
01:17it's just a minute and a half the actionable tip next time you feel that heat in your chest
01:25apply the 90 second rule before you speak breathe don't respond for 90 seconds if you can survive that
01:34window without throwing a verbal punch your logical brain the prefrontal cortex will kick back in and
01:40you'll prevent a destructive hijack segment two the language shift most fights escalate because of one
01:48word you you always forget you never listen you make me feel when we start sentences with you the other
02:00person's brain perceives it as an attack they immediately build a wall the strategy switch to i
02:09statements this isn't just a linguistic trick it's a psychological shift from blaming to sharing
02:15vulnerability instead of you always ignore me when you're on your phone try i feel lonely and unimportant
02:24when we're sitting together but aren't talking see the difference you aren't attacking their character
02:30you are sharing your internal reality it's much harder for someone to argue with how you feel than
02:36with an accusation of what they did segment three active listening in an argument we usually listen to
02:43rebut not to understand we are just waiting for our turn to speak this is why the other person keeps
02:51getting louder they don't feel heard the technique try the mirroring technique before you give your
02:59counter argument summarize what they said so if i understand correctly you're upset because you feel
03:06like the household chores are mostly falling on you is that right why it works when a person feels truly
03:14understood their nervous system begins to calm down it absorbs 50 of the anger immediately you don't have
03:22to agree with their perspective to acknowledge it understanding is the solvent that dissolves hostility
03:29segment four the strategic timeout sometimes despite your best efforts the flooding is too much your heart
03:37rate is over 100 bpm and no amount of eye statements will help this is when you need a timeout
03:44the rules of
03:45engagement don't just walk away leaving without a word feels like abandonment it triggers anxious attachment
03:54the rules of engagement styles state the return time say i'm too overwhelmed to be productive right now
04:01i need 20 minutes to calm down then i'll come back so we can finish this this creates safety it
04:08tells your
04:09partner i'm stepping away from the conflict not from you the goal is connection not victory remember
04:16in a relationship if one person wins the argument both people lose the relationship the goal isn't to
04:23be right the goal is to be understood and to find a way forward together this week i want you
04:30to try
04:31just one of these the 90 second rule or the eye statement see how it changes the energy in your
04:37home
04:38if you found this helpful hit the like button and subscribe for more deep dives into human psychology
04:44and personal growth let me know in the comments what's the hardest part for you during a fight
04:52let's talk about it narrator
04:57thanks for watching i'll see you in the next video
Comments