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00:00From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:04Tonight, Jelly Roll and Nicole Byer with the Kletos!
00:11And now, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:31Hi, everybody. Thank you for watching. Thanks for clapping. I appreciate it.
00:41For those walking around the universe, we are transmitting the signal from our home planet
00:46in a galaxy not so far away, Hollywood, where, on what is presumably the most profitable
00:52day of the year for the hard-working Chewbaccas and various Star Wars characters,
00:59our Boba's Fett, who are out there taking photographs, oh, and smashing things on May the 4th,
01:07and May the 4th be with you all. By the way, when I say May the 4th be with you,
01:11you're supposed to say, and I'll throw with you, right? I'm Catholic. That's how it goes.
01:17And Star Wars turns 50 years old next year. You know, when I was a kid, our Yoda was old
01:24and had hair on his ears. Things are different. This, he smelled like Vicks Vaporub. We got
01:29a cute little Yoda now. Looks a little bit like Yu-Gi-Gi-Oh. A little bit. A little bit,
01:33yeah. Jabba, the president, did not celebrate Star Wars today. He, uh, he's barely focused on the real
01:40war he got us into. Trump took another trip to Florida this weekend. He showed up at a PGA Tour
01:45event held at his golf resort in Miami. This is what he loves to do, wave at other white people
01:51at country clubs he owns. That's what he was born for. The president was joined by real estate
01:57magnate slash war negotiator Steve Witkoff and his son Eric Trump, who wasn't invited but tunneled his
02:04way in like the gopher from Caddyshack. After the tournament, Trump met with the winner,
02:11Cameron Young, to congratulate him on his victory and take possession of his trophy. And when he wasn't
02:16romping around the golf course, the president was hard at work on social media this weekend.
02:21Just to give you a little peek inside his very strong brain, let's examine one night in Donald
02:28Trump's truth social feed. Actually, not even one night. Let's look at one hour. These are all real
02:33posts from our president in the 11 o'clock hour on Friday night. At 11.03, he put up this
02:40image of him
02:40and members of his cabinet taking a dip in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. I don't know who
02:46the woman in the bikini is or how the AI was able to shave 80 pounds off his gut, but
02:52everyone looks
02:53great. A minute later, at 11.04, he posted this even more unbelievable picture of Melania smiling.
03:00I don't know the last time we saw that.
03:05At 11.13, he posted a thinly veiled but definitely racist note about House Minority
03:11Leader Hakeem Jeffries, followed two minutes later with a warning to Iran that said,
03:16I have all the cards and only a bunch of Uno cards, which is a game you win by having
03:22no cards.
03:25Should we do more?
03:27This is what happens when you don't play with your children.
03:3011.22, he posted his big gold pumpkin head. 11.26, him photoshopped into Mount Rushmore.
03:3811.32, we've got him and Melania with their hair blowing, no explanation.
03:4211.37, with King Charles, no caption or explanation. Then over the next eight minutes,
03:47he made not one but three posts about renovating the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, and that's
03:53one hour on a Friday night, the president of the United States. According to the Daily Beast,
03:57based on his social media activity, there were only five nights last month when the
04:01president could have possibly gotten a full night's sleep. Last month, he posted an average
04:06of 18 times a day. If you had a relative who was posting 18 times a day, you'd be worried
04:13about him, right? You'd be like, what's going on with Cousin Matthew? Is he okay?
04:18Now, in fairness, Trump does take nice little naps, mostly during the national security meetings,
04:23so he is getting some sleep, and he might even be scouting for a place to live after his
04:29reign of terror ends. Trump paid a visit to the village's retirement community near Orlando
04:34on Friday, accompanied by two of his top TV doctors, Phil and Oz.
04:40We have a man here who knows more about Medicaid, Medicare, medical crap than any human being.
04:47Where's Dr. Oz? Where the hell are you standing? He's great. It was the most boring trip I've
04:55ever made. He's telling me about Medicare, Medicaid. Like, I give a meta about any of those things.
05:02Any term with the word care or aid, out. You know, there are a lot of people suggesting
05:09that the president's cognitive abilities are beginning to dim, so Trump now, at every chance
05:13he gets brings up that dumb cookie-cutter dementia test that he claims he aced.
05:18I got every one right. And these are tough questions. These are tough questions, you know.
05:24They say, take a number, any number. Okay, I'll take 99. Multiply times 9. Okay. Divide it by 3.
05:31Good. Add 4,293. That's good. Divide by 2. Subtract 93. Divide by 9. What is your answer?
05:44Now, they go a little slower than that, but not much. I don't want to waste a lot of time.
05:48But there aren't a lot of people that get it right. I got it right. You know?
05:52All right. Well, what's the answer then? We're dying to know. By the way, I have taken this
05:57test that he took. It doesn't ask any questions anywhere remotely like that. The hardest math
06:02question is subtract the number 7 from the number 60, and then subtract 7 from 53, and so on.
06:09There are no story problems, but don't let that get in his way. The man is on a roll.
06:14The first question is, you have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a, what's another good,
06:22a squirrel. Okay? Which is the squirrel? One doctor said, it's the first time I've ever
06:29seen anyone get all questions right. That's a doctor who does his stuff for a living.
06:35That's right. And you could tell he was a doctor, because he was dressed like Jesus.
06:41Um, again, a few months ago, I took this test with a doctor. I answered all 30 questions
06:51correct. They're easy questions, but, and I'm a moron, according to him.
06:54I think anybody running for president or vice president should be forced to take a cognitive
07:02examination. I mean, you get a guy, he gets in, he's got a good line of crap, he gets in,
07:07and all of a sudden you're stuck with a man who's a moron.
07:10I've heard of it happening twice, you know? I think it's his self-awareness that I admire
07:16most. And then it was time for impressions. Rich Littlehands treated the crowds in one
07:21of his favorite bits, the now classic lady weightlifter routine.
07:25The father's saying there's no way she's beating that guy. So she gets up and she puts,
07:30and she's ready. Now she's just got to do that. She's almost home. One eighth of a pound
07:36more on each other. One eighth. Just a tiny little bit. Uh. Huh? Come on, darling. The mother's
07:43screaming like, darling, I love you, darling. Oh, mom, I can't do it. Whoa.
07:49Can we just get him a theater in Branson and be done with this already? It's what he wants.
07:56He just likes to put on a show. His slogan could be, let's go Branson. You know? My favorite part
08:03of when he does this bit is when he follows up explaining how much the first lady doesn't
08:09like it. She hates it when I do the thing on weightlifting. She says, it's so unprecedented.
08:15And she hates when I dance to at the end, too.
08:21She hates when I dance to what's sometimes referred to as the gay national anthem. You know?
08:27She hates it. Melania hates when you do things? No way. I can't believe it. What a buzzkill.
08:33Why would she hate that? It's so much fun. He's just trying to have fun. We're on week 10
08:38now of what Trump has been referring to as his mini war on Iran. Week 10 is significant
08:44because under the War Powers Resolution, the president is supposed to get approval from
08:49Congress for any military action that goes longer than 60 days. And we are now above 60
08:55days. But he has no intention whatsoever of getting permission.
08:58Why are you not seeking congressional approval to extend it?
09:02Because it's never been sought before. There's been numerous, many, many times, and nobody's
09:07ever gotten it before. They consider it totally unconstitutional. But we're always in touch
09:11with Congress. But nobody's ever sought it before. Nobody's ever asked for it before. It's never
09:18been used before. Why should we be different?
09:21And by never, he means 11 times. Congress has approved war. 11 times. It must be so freeing
09:28to be able to lie with no fact checking whatsoever. Just say whatever you want. He's like fat GPT.
09:34He just churns out the information. Gas prices are now the highest they've been since the start of
09:39the war. At least according to the totally biased fake news at Fox Business. The longer this goes,
09:45the worse Trump looks. He desperately needs a way to declare victory and get out of this fast. He
09:49posted this morning, it would seem that Iran either lost the war or the final round of family feud.
09:56I'm not sure. Well, yesterday, we got news that Trump's former lawyer and the former mayor of New
10:02York, Rudy Giuliani, was hospitalized and is in critical condition. He is said to be recovering from
10:09about with pneumonia. And when I read this, I thought, I really thought, I said, I wonder
10:12if they'll try to blame this on me. And then sure enough, one of these podcast bozos points to a
10:18joke
10:18I made about Rudy on Thursday about him being a vampire. And then suggests I might actually have
10:24some inside knowledge of what's going on in Trump town there. And then that becomes a thing
10:30and results in this Newsmax panel formed to somehow pin this on me.
10:36I do want to play a clip, though, from Jimmy Kimmel, who joked about Giuliani rising from the grave
10:42just days before the former New York City mayor was rushed to the hospital. Is this supposed to be
10:47comedy? Well, it's not. I don't know what it's supposed to be, but it's not funny.
10:51He's not funny. Can I just say that? He's just really not funny. It's abhorrent what he's doing
10:58in the, under the gauze of comedy.
11:04He's right. In fact, I'm, I'm under the gauze of comedy right now.
11:16The gauze gives me psychic abilities. This is how I work. Every day in the morning, I wake up,
11:21I make coffee, and then I look into the future to see which events have yet to occur. And then
11:27we write jokes, but we write jokes that we know are going to make trouble. For the record,
11:30I hope Rudy Giuliani lives another 100 years. He earned that outside the dildo shop. That was
11:35the funniest thing any person has done this century. All right, you guys can take that back to the
11:43medic now. Thank you very much. Now, as for the rest of us, we have some exciting news from the
11:48world
11:48of health. Syphilis is back. According to the CDC, cases of syphilis have skyrocketed by 700%.
11:55All the great diseases are making a comeback. Syphilis, measles, Kanye, you name it. Some states
12:03have it worse than others. The state of New York has seen five times the number of cases they had
12:08in
12:092013. And if you look at a map of the large retirement communities in Arizona and Florida,
12:14you see old people are getting it on in droves. They are. It's times like these when I am thankful
12:20that the man in charge of our health and human services is doing experiments on the dingers of
12:25dead rodents he finds on the side of the road. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had an incident at Dulles
12:31Airport yesterday. He captured a bird with his bare hands just in time for a keto-friendly mid-flight
12:38snack. That poor bird had a better experience than the people who booked a flight on Spirit this
12:45weekend. On Saturday at 2 a.m., Spirit put out a statement announcing their demise, writing,
12:53to our guests, all flights have been canceled and customer service is no longer available.
12:59As if it ever was to begin with. And why they did this at 2 in the morning with no
13:07advance notice,
13:08I have no idea. But, you know, at least Spirit died doing what they loved, which is being the worst
13:14airline in the history of the world. And I have to say, this announcement is a particularly bitter pill
13:19for those of us who host late-night talk shows. Spirit being terrible, it was something every
13:23every person got immediately. And that's hard to replace. We are taking applications. I've got my
13:29eye on you, Allegiant. But either way, after two bankruptcies, I guess that is it. Spirit Airlines
13:36is officially shut down. And we... Wait, wait. What? Did you just say Spirit Airlines shut down?
13:43Yeah, I did. Yeah. That's impossible. We're Spirit pilots. We're scheduled to fly out of
13:49LAX in 20 minutes. Well, your airline went out of business three days ago. And if you're supposed
13:56to take off in 20 minutes, why aren't you on the plane? Why aren't you on the plane?
14:02Because it's a Spirit plane, dumbass. Well, I hate to say it, but I think you're both out of work.
14:09Well, this sucks. I know. Where are we going to find another job where we can make 19 bucks an
14:15hour?
14:15Yeah. Or one that gives us cute little bottles of whiskey when we fly.
14:20Hey, they let you drink while you fly?
14:23They make you drink while you fly?
14:26Would you fly Spirit sober?
14:28I don't think so.
14:31Hey, I got to take a leak. Can I use your bathroom bucket?
14:35What is a bathroom bucket?
14:38To pee in?
14:40Bathroom bucket.
14:41We don't have a bucket. We have toilets. You want to...
14:44Wow. This place is a lot nicer than our planes.
14:48They're actually right through that room.
14:50All right.
14:50You want to go.
14:51Wow. Fancy. This is nice.
14:53Yes.
14:54And good luck, guys. I really hope you find jobs soon.
14:56You know what? We're going to be okay.
14:59Good.
14:59We're going to be okay. Yeah, because when one Spirit ends, another begins.
15:08Oh, okay. All right. So you have another job. You work at Spirit Halloween.
15:14Yep. We'll save you a baby Yoda costume.
15:17Yeah.
15:17See you in October, bitch!
15:23Well, we have a fun show tonight. Nicole Byer is here tonight, and we'll be right back with
15:29Jelly Rolls. Let's look around.
15:46Hi. Welcome back tonight. A very funny woman, and we can see live at the Netflix is a joke fest
15:55here in L.A.
15:56And Nicole Byer is with us. We've got a fun week this week with that comedy festival in town.
16:04Steve Carell will be here. John Mulaney will be here.
16:06Asa Gonzalez, Katrina Belf and Mike Tyson with music from Mike Patton and the Avett Brothers.
16:12And sitting in with the Cletones all this week from Session Syndicate, they have a new song coming out on
16:18May 8th.
16:18It's called The Roundabout, Lauren Smith and Bella Hicks. Are you?
16:22Thank you, guys. Thank you for coming.
16:25It's very good to have you here.
16:27Our first guest tonight is a massive music star whose resume includes Grammy winner, former prisoner, pro wrestler, TV show
16:36talent judge,
16:36and now he adds Comedy MC. You can see him at the Beautifully Broken Comedy Night Friday at the Greek
16:42Theater here in L.A.
16:44Please welcome Jelly Rolls.
17:06Oh, man.
17:07Look at that.
17:08Wow.
17:09Oh.
17:11Wow.
17:11You look good.
17:12Are you sick of talking about how you look?
17:14Are you over it?
17:15Oh, absolutely not.
17:16Good, good, good.
17:17Because you look great.
17:18For 41 years, I never walked in one room where somebody said,
17:21dude, you look great.
17:22Not one time, dude.
17:24I mean, I was an ugly baby.
17:25You know what I'm saying?
17:26So now, I'm only about a year into people being like,
17:28you look great.
17:29I'm like, bring it more.
17:30Tell me more.
17:31You look hot today.
17:32I'm like, tell me again, baby.
17:33Tell me again.
17:34How many pounds have you lost?
17:36Almost 300.
17:37Whoa.
17:43Imagine if I was just 300 pounds,
17:45I would have been really, really fat.
17:47And I lost 300 pounds.
17:49I was so fat that I lost weight that I'm still fat
17:52and we're just celebrating me just being fat.
17:57It's like you had a twin brother and now he's gone.
18:00No, for sure.
18:01And it was more evil me.
18:02I've turned into a nicer guy.
18:03Oh, I see.
18:04I got you.
18:04I was afraid I was going to be rude.
18:07Yeah.
18:08You suddenly get, yeah.
18:09Like some of those like.
18:09Well, imagine.
18:10You see your pecker for the first time.
18:11You don't know how you're going to react.
18:15Hello, old friend.
18:16Hey.
18:18There you are.
18:19You smell horrible.
18:22Where have you been?
18:24Is there anything you miss about those 300 pounds?
18:28The food.
18:29The food.
18:29The food, yeah.
18:29God, I miss the food, Jimmy.
18:31You do.
18:31But I don't miss anything about the actual weight.
18:33I got a lot of skin under here.
18:35I mean, if I rolled my shirt up, it'd roll out like the red carpet.
18:38I am barely hanging.
18:39I'm hanging on like a hubcap in a fast lane.
18:43My nipple is by my navel right now.
18:46Do you keep the clothes, the big clothes, like in a kind of just-in-case type scenario?
18:52I thought about it, but Jared from Subway ruined that.
18:55Oh, yeah.
18:56You're right.
18:56He ruined a lot of things.
18:57I can't see it any other way now.
18:58Any fat person I see with it, I'm like, he could be Jared.
19:01You know what I'm saying?
19:03You have like the...
19:04I just don't trust him, dude.
19:06You have like the reverse Jared story in a lot of ways.
19:10Last summer, when I was on vacation, you were kind enough to come fill in and host this
19:15show for a couple of nights.
19:17You did a really good job.
19:19And everybody loves you here, you know?
19:22To the point where I start to get a little like, all right, all right.
19:25I get it.
19:25He was a lot of fun.
19:26But you handle the guests differently than I do.
19:30Why don't you leave, huh?
19:37What's up, brother?
19:37You can't get a mess of a new son!
19:45That's Logan Paul, who...
19:47Oh, by the way, I should mention, this is the invoice for the desk.
19:52Oh, no!
19:53Yeah, yeah.
19:54It was $8,400.
19:55Goodness gracious!
19:56Yeah, just going to have that.
19:58Maybe you and Logan could split it.
19:59I know...
20:00Logan is definitely getting billed this one.
20:01Logan, you got it.
20:03But in defense, you probably would have slammed Logan Paul through the table too, Jimmy.
20:07You know what I'm saying?
20:08Were I capable of that, perhaps I would have.
20:11You know what?
20:11I'll keep this.
20:12Yeah, you keep that, will you?
20:12I'm giving this the luxury for real.
20:13Next time, I'm at a wrestling match.
20:16You had fun doing it, I assume?
20:18I had an absolute ball.
20:20I loved it here.
20:21Good.
20:21Can I tell you a story?
20:21I probably shouldn't tell you.
20:22Go ahead.
20:24So afterwards, I love this staff so much.
20:26I mean, you've got some of the greatest producers, some of the greatest production camera
20:29people.
20:30I mean, this is a rock star crew.
20:32We do.
20:32It is a rock star crew.
20:35And I was kind enough that Miss Aaron Irwin, who produces this show, took me to see the
20:39beautiful roof where...
20:41And I was up there and I thought this would be a great time to partake in the beauty of
20:45California, so to speak.
20:47Yes.
20:47And I lit a little California chronic up.
20:49Uh-huh.
20:50And I may have got one of the guys on your staff so high, he's not here now.
20:54I mean, I think he might still be on the roof, dude.
20:56I mean, I've never seen a grown man faint from weed until I smoked with one of your staff
21:01members on this roof.
21:02Really?
21:02Yeah.
21:03You got him good.
21:03I'd love to know who that was.
21:05He blamed it on his...
21:06I would never disclose his name.
21:08Is Will still here, though?
21:09Has anybody seen Will?
21:12I see.
21:13Yeah, yeah.
21:14Will...
21:14It hits Will pretty hard.
21:16Listen, man.
21:17The best part was he fell and he grabbed his hamstring, tried to play it off.
21:20Oh, it's a hamstring.
21:22And Aaron, the producer sits down and goes, are you okay?
21:25He goes, yes.
21:26He goes, is your hamstring hurting?
21:28He goes, yes.
21:29She goes, perhaps you're really stoned, too?
21:32He goes, yes.
21:34I never heard of somebody getting so stoned they pull a hamstring.
21:37No.
21:37That is remarkable.
21:39Only on the Jimmy Kimmel's.
21:40Hand me back any time.
21:41I'll plead.
21:42Well, listen.
21:43We got plans for you.
21:44Don't worry about that.
21:44I know you just came in from Nashville, and I know it was a big weekend for your family
21:48this weekend.
21:49It couldn't have been any bigger.
21:51My daughter had her senior prom, which is already a huge deal.
21:55Mm-hmm.
21:57And she was the senior prom queen.
22:00So my daughter became the prom queen.
22:04Unreal, man.
22:05There was a vote and she won?
22:07It was a vote and she won, dude.
22:09That's exciting.
22:10It was really, really cool, man.
22:11Did you go to the senior prom?
22:12No.
22:13Goodness.
22:13No.
22:13I was in...
22:14I was busy.
22:16I was...
22:16Yeah.
22:18Me and her had two totally different stories.
22:20I was incarcerated for what would have been my senior prom.
22:22They don't have proms in prison?
22:24No.
22:25No, it's not...
22:26They sadly do have proms in prison.
22:28It's just not as public or formal.
22:30You know what I'm saying?
22:31But yeah, there's definitely some proming happening in there.
22:34You, uh...
22:35So you did not do that.
22:36I did not go to the prom either for different reasons.
22:38It wasn't the same...
22:39Oh, there's the reason.
22:40Yeah, that's the reason I didn't go to the prom.
22:42Oh!
22:43You don't have to groan like something terrible happened to you.
22:47I just played the clarinet.
22:48What are you gonna do?
22:49You don't play clarinet, do you?
22:50No, no, goodness, no.
22:51I don't play any instruments you gotta blow in.
22:53You know what I'm saying?
22:58That's probably for the best.
23:00But in your...
23:01I hate you.
23:04I love you, Bubba.
23:05In your...
23:06When you...
23:07You got your GED, right?
23:08When you were in there.
23:09I did.
23:09I was incarcerated when I got my GED.
23:12And, um...
23:13It was a really big deal.
23:14You had to get accepted into a unit to get it.
23:17And I thought it was a big deal because, you know, I got my GED,
23:20which was huge for me.
23:21I was in my early, mid-twenties.
23:22I just found out I had that same daughter.
23:25And that's what encouraged me to get my GED.
23:26I was in prison and they were like, hey, you had a daughter.
23:28And I was like, oh, God, I don't even have a GED.
23:31I should at least start there.
23:32And I went to the unit, I got my GED,
23:34and there was very little fanfare about it, though.
23:37But I did get it.
23:37There was no silhouette.
23:38You didn't wear a robe, throw your hat in the air,
23:40none of that stuff.
23:41No big cap and gown moment.
23:42No big high five.
23:43No nothing.
23:44I think they just kind of came in and told the ones that made it,
23:46they made it.
23:47I think one guy, they just quietly gave him a thumbs down.
23:49He was like, he was like, what about me?
23:52And they hit him with a...
23:54You know what I'm saying?
23:55Just trying not to blow him in front of the glass.
23:58Oh, well, that's not fun.
23:59Now, your wife, Bunny, she was here, I don't know, a couple months ago.
24:05Yes.
24:05Did she go to the prom queen or anything like that?
24:08No, no.
24:08She missed the prom, too, for her own unique Las Vegas reasons
24:11that did not involve the clarinet.
24:13Right, right, right.
24:13By the way.
24:16But...
24:16She was here.
24:17I did find that we had quite a few weird things in common
24:20growing up in Las Vegas.
24:21No, y'all definitely Las Vegas-ed out on the show.
24:24It was like a tale of two Las Vegases happening.
24:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:27It was the funniest thing ever.
24:28I was at home crying, laughing.
24:30Yeah, there are not...
24:31But she also told me that you haven't read the book,
24:34and she thinks you haven't read the book.
24:36I did read the book after she told everybody on your show
24:39I hadn't read the book.
24:40Okay, good.
24:41I was at home and I was like, she's right.
24:44I should read the book.
24:46No, no.
24:46I read the book.
24:47I just had a rule.
24:48I didn't want to read it until it was out.
24:50Uh-huh.
24:50Because I didn't want to feel like...
24:51I didn't want her to feel like I was reading over her shoulder.
24:54I wanted my wife to tell her true, authentic story,
24:56and boy, did she tell her story.
24:58She did.
24:59She did.
24:59In hindsight, perhaps I should have done a little shoulder reading.
25:03Well, I'm impressed by how honest she is.
25:05I mean, it really takes a lot of courage
25:07to be as honest as she was.
25:09You don't have to ask her how you look.
25:11Yeah.
25:11That's the problem with Mary in that honesty.
25:13I have to look at her somewhere and go,
25:14how do I look today?
25:14And she goes, like, absolute ass.
25:19Maybe you can use a little bit of lying in that situation.
25:21Are you a Star Wars guy?
25:23I love a little Star Wars.
25:25Uh-huh.
25:26May the fourth be with us all to me.
25:27Yeah, man.
25:28It's a great deal.
25:28I love Yoda's ears.
25:32I had a guy when I was in jail.
25:34He called me Jabba the Hutt one time.
25:37And when that happened, you have to fight him,
25:39because that's how jail works.
25:40Yeah.
25:41But afterwards one day, that's sad but real,
25:43but afterwards I was writing a song one day
25:45for the unit asked me to write a song about a guard
25:47we didn't like.
25:48And I wrote a mean song about him.
25:49And the guy came down after I sung the song,
25:51and he announced to the whole unit, he said,
25:53I have so much respect for Jelly Roll now,
25:55I will call him Jabba the Genius.
25:58And when I tell you there is still dudes in prison
26:00right now that look at me on TV,
26:02they're watching this show right now,
26:03like, dude, Jabba the Genius.
26:05Bro, Jimmy, kill me right now.
26:07Jelly Roll, everybody.
26:18Hey, here we are back with Jelly Roll,
26:21who is, among your many, many projects,
26:25hosting the Beautifully Broken Comedy Night
26:27here in Los Angeles, part of the Netflix is a Joke
26:30Festival at the Greek Theater.
26:32That's, you'll be on, who's on the bill with you?
26:34Dude, it's me and it's Andrew Schultz officially,
26:37and we've got a lot of friends popping out that I don't think
26:39we're allowed to announce.
26:40Oh, okay.
26:40You know it is, Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival
26:42in L.A. this week.
26:44Every comedian on earth is here all over town.
26:46You can throw a rock and hit one.
26:48Go out, find a local comedy club, try to get in.
26:50It's gonna be a circus everywhere.
26:52And then meet me at the Greek Theater Friday.
26:53Have you been working on your material,
26:55your set or anything like that?
26:57I have, dude, I have.
26:58I went to Zaney's in Nashville.
27:00I'm sure you're familiar with the room.
27:01And Schultz brought me up the first night to try it with him.
27:04And I'm glad he let me try it with him
27:06because I did what I thought was seven minutes of material
27:08in like 44 seconds.
27:13It was so bad.
27:15It was so bad, Jimmy.
27:17And I was like, what do I do for the next four minutes?
27:19And Andrew luckily was sitting there with me.
27:21And Schultz was like, you just let me tell jokes
27:23and I'll help you.
27:24And I was like, thank you.
27:24So you and Andrew will be on stage together?
27:26Hopefully.
27:27I went and tried it by myself after that.
27:29And then I might have got a little too high
27:31because I did 40 seconds of material in seven minutes.
27:34OK.
27:34You know what I'm saying?
27:35So I'm working on my pacing.
27:37If you got any advice, I could use it.
27:39I think just split the difference.
27:40You'll be good, yeah.
27:41Right.
27:42I'm close, right?
27:43What do you think it is that I find that
27:45every musician wants to be a comedian
27:48and every comedian wants to be a musician?
27:50Cue the clarinet pitcher again, y'all.
27:55I was thinking about it.
27:56It makes sense why you played the saxophone with Coldplay.
27:58It was a clarinet.
27:59Was that a clarinet?
28:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:01I wish it was a saxophone.
28:02Things would be very different for me right now.
28:06No.
28:07I think music and comedy are one of the last frontiers
28:13of not only free speech, but of people being able
28:15to just be free.
28:17And I think that's why music and comedy,
28:19that's why our friendship exists, right?
28:21You know?
28:22Yeah, there's a lot of crossover there.
28:23There's a lot of crossover there.
28:25I have met so many comedians that know so much more
28:28about music than I would have ever anticipated.
28:30And I have met...
28:31I haven't met a country music singer
28:33that doesn't think he's got five minutes
28:34of just absolute killer music.
28:36Oh, yeah.
28:36You know what I mean?
28:37Who's the funniest musician you know?
28:38Dude, that's a great question.
28:40There's a songwriter in town named Ernest
28:42that is, like, knee-slapping.
28:44Really?
28:44Ernest?
28:45What's his last name?
28:46Dude, that's the best part.
28:47He just goes by Ernest.
28:48That should show you his personality.
28:49His name is just Ernest, and he is next,
28:52next-level funny.
28:53I'm trying to think about who else is like him.
28:55Is he as funny as the original Ernest,
28:57who went to camp?
28:58Yeah, no, no.
28:59No, that Ernest is a legend.
29:01Yeah, yeah.
29:01It takes a lot of crystal meth to be that funny.
29:06You have, what, three tours going on this summer?
29:09I do, yes, sir.
29:10You've got, of course, you and Post Malone.
29:13Now, is that postponed or is that happening?
29:15No, it's happening, dude.
29:16Me and Post are live.
29:17Okay.
29:17He moved the first five shows to the back end of the tour
29:20because he's finishing his album,
29:21but we're doing the big-ass stadium tour.
29:22That's the big-ass stadium tour.
29:24Yes, Jelly Roll, Post Malone, come see us in a stadium.
29:26And that's it.
29:27That sounds like a fun show.
29:28And then, while that's happening,
29:31or before that's happening, you've got the Little Ass Shed tour.
29:35Yeah!
29:36How cool is that?
29:38See, Jelly Roll can only play big-ass stadiums with Post Malone.
29:42When Jelly Roll's alone, he has to play little-ass sheds.
29:44Uh-huh.
29:45So I'm going to excitedly play my little-ass sheds
29:47in between Post Malone, big-ass stadiums.
29:49I bet the little-ass sheds are even more fun than that.
29:52They're a ball.
29:53But, by the way, you've got a special friend on that poster.
29:55See that? That is your cow, right?
29:58Yes.
29:59Well, that's my wife's cow.
30:00Your wife's cow.
30:01Yeah, just that's a possessional thing.
30:02You're married.
30:03What's this cow's name?
30:04This cow's name is Crunch.
30:06Crunch.
30:07Listen, dude, if y'all don't follow Crunch on TikTok,
30:09you're missing out.
30:10Crunch is, like, this cow is special.
30:12Is this the maximum size?
30:15No, this is as big as it gets.
30:16But, dude, that cow's 500-something pounds.
30:18No.
30:19I used to be 500-something pounds.
30:20I'm telling you, dude.
30:21Really?
30:21It's perspective.
30:22And my wife has turned it into a puppy.
30:24It lays in her lap.
30:26My wife lays with this bull in her lap and pets it.
30:29She cuts its bangs out of its ass because it's kind of got the emo haircut.
30:32And she cuts the bangs out, cuts the cow's bangs.
30:35So she has a type.
30:36Yeah, for sure.
30:44That is the cutest cow I've ever seen.
30:47You're fat and emotional.
30:49Good killer.
30:50You were inducted into the Grand Ole Opry, which is a big, big deal.
30:56Huge deal.
30:57You were nominated for ACM Entertainer of the Year.
31:00Yes, sir.
31:01And what did you do with the three Grammys that you won?
31:05I just got them.
31:06You just got them?
31:06They got there.
31:06I've been tracking those things like an Uber Eats order.
31:09Really?
31:09I'm literally, I might not ever get nominated for a Grammy again.
31:12I've been emailing and calling people.
31:14I think somebody blocked me over there, finally.
31:16I've been harassing.
31:17Yeah, because they mail it.
31:18So you hold it up and they take it right away from you, right?
31:21Well, when you grow up like I did, your mindset is,
31:23until it gets to my house, they could take it from me.
31:26Right.
31:26And then once it gets to my house, they got to kill me for it.
31:28You know what I'm saying?
31:29I just needed to get to the house.
31:31So it just got to the house.
31:32And my plan is, we're not allowed to give them away.
31:35We're allowed to loan them.
31:36And I want to loan mine, one of mine, to the local juvenile
31:40that I was in whenever I was a kid.
31:41And I think it was probably the same.
31:42Oh, wow.
31:43Oh, that's great.
31:45And that will give the kids some inspiration.
31:48I know it sounds crazy, but I have a dream that that Grammy,
31:50before it comes back to my house, will touch every juvenile,
31:53every jail, and every rehab in the state of Tennessee.
31:56And it will inspire people.
31:58It's very, very good to see you.
32:00I hope you have fun at the show.
32:02The beautifully broken comedy night, Friday night,
32:05the Greek Theater right here in L.A.
32:07You can get tickets at Netflixisajokefest.com.
32:10Jelly Roll, everybody.
32:12We'll be back with your full bar.
32:21Say, your proof things.
32:23Say, your proof things.
32:25Yeah, yeah.
32:25This week on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Steve Carell, Mike Tyson, Asa Gonzalez, Katrina Balfe, and John Mulaney, plus music from
32:37Social Distortion and Avid Patton.
33:20How are you?
33:20I'm good.
33:21How are you?
33:22You look great.
33:22I'm good.
33:23I'm doing good.
33:23I'm doing it.
33:24Thank you for filling in for me.
33:25Also over the summer, you actually were a guest host.
33:28I had such a nice time.
33:29And did you know it pays more than being a guest?
33:32Is that?
33:32Yeah.
33:33I did know that.
33:34Yes.
33:34I did know that.
33:35It was nice.
33:35Nice little bump.
33:37You, uh, and thank you also for not destroying any of the key furniture here on the show.
33:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
33:42No worries.
33:43We appreciate that, too.
33:44How are you doing?
33:45How's everything?
33:45I heard you just were in your hometown, huh?
33:47No, I wasn't in my hometown, but I was in Chicago.
33:50That's where my family lives, but not where I grew up.
33:52It's complicated and boring.
33:54Okay.
33:55All right.
33:55Oh, wait.
33:56No, you're talking about Jersey.
33:57Jersey, yeah.
33:57Oh, that's fun.
33:58Yes, I was in my hometown.
34:00Oh, okay.
34:01Were you up on the...
34:02Look at this dizzy bitch.
34:03Were you up on the...
34:03My God.
34:04Were you on the roof with Jelly Roll?
34:08You know what?
34:09I smelled it and it might have gotten to my head.
34:12No, but you're absolutely right.
34:14I went to Jersey.
34:15Uh-huh.
34:15I went to go visit my old high school.
34:17Yeah, that's what I heard.
34:19That's...
34:19Yes.
34:19Was that fun?
34:20It was so much fun.
34:21I went because in high school they had spicy chicken.
34:26And...
34:27That's why you went?
34:28Yeah.
34:29Yes.
34:30I wanted to eat the spicy chicken from my high school.
34:33Was this something you loved in high school?
34:35Yes.
34:35And I was like, I have to get it.
34:37So I contacted the school.
34:39They were like, we don't have it on the menu anymore.
34:41And I was like, don't you know who I am?
34:43Cook it up.
34:44And then...
34:45Hold on.
34:46Can I just take a couple of steps back?
34:48Oh, sure.
34:49When did you have this thought about the spicy chicken?
34:52Is this something that's been bubbling for a while?
34:54Or just like something that hit you and you said,
34:56I got to contact these people and get there?
34:59Well, as a fat, I just keep the memory of like,
35:05delicious food with me always.
35:07I see.
35:08Believe me, I understand.
35:09Right?
35:10And I woke up on a Tuesday and I said,
35:12oh, remember that chicken?
35:13I want it.
35:14And then I was talking to my best friend,
35:17Sashir.
35:17We were doing our podcast and she was like,
35:19we should go get the chicken.
35:21And I was like, let's get that chicken.
35:23And then they didn't have the chicken.
35:26It was right.
35:27Someone said, oh, there's another fat in the crowd
35:29who was like, oh, girl, that did hurt.
35:31And it did.
35:32It's disappointing.
35:33It really was.
35:34Yeah.
35:34But my guidance counselor, who was my guidance counselor
35:38when I was in high school, I still talk to her.
35:39She was like, well, since you're here,
35:41do you want to talk to the theater kids?
35:43And I was like, oh, OK.
35:45But can I have something from the cafeteria?
35:48And nobody would feed me.
35:50Why?
35:51I don't know.
35:53I got there at noon and lunch was done.
35:55And I was like, what the ?
35:56It's noon.
35:58You know, it's not exactly like a restaurant.
36:00It's not like they're whipping stuff up back there.
36:02It's like what they do is they make 80,000 of those chicken
36:05sandwiches at like a local prison.
36:08And then they ship them over to the school.
36:10And then they stick them in the microwave.
36:12And then the kids eat.
36:13And then that's it.
36:14I didn't get to eat.
36:16And it wasn't it.
36:16Yeah.
36:17No, that's disappointing.
36:18I was so upset.
36:18Don't you think, though, if you had had it,
36:20it would not have matched your memory?
36:22You would have went like, oh, that wasn't as good as I remember.
36:25No.
36:27No.
36:28Because every time I go to Chili's, I'm like,
36:30oh, them Southwestern egg rolls hit.
36:32They're good.
36:33I see.
36:34See, people know.
36:35They're good.
36:36Uh-huh.
36:36OK.
36:37Now, as far as the kids go, the students go,
36:39were they excited to see you there?
36:41You know, some were.
36:43Uh-huh.
36:43Some were.
36:44I get humbled a lot.
36:45Uh-huh.
36:47Yeah.
36:48Also, the children are looking old.
36:50No?
36:52They are.
36:52They are.
36:53I was walking around, and I was like, mm, I look better.
36:56Like, do you know what I mean?
36:58Yeah.
36:59Like, they're looking old.
37:01Yeah.
37:01Yeah.
37:02We have a high school right across the street,
37:04and sometimes I'm driving, I go, what are you kids wearing?
37:06Truly?
37:07What are you wearing?
37:08What are you drinking?
37:09What is the skin care regimen?
37:11There isn't one.
37:12I think that's where, no, I don't know about that.
37:14I'm noticing that a lot of the kids have skin care regimens,
37:18which is not something that ever happened when I was a kid.
37:23And still, for me, doesn't.
37:24Like, I'll put body lotion sometimes on my face,
37:26and my wife screams at me as if I'm rubbing peanut butter
37:30all over my head.
37:31I was like, what are you putting that on there for?
37:33I don't know.
37:33It says lotion on the thing.
37:35You know what?
37:36Maybe there's something to that.
37:38Because I used to, like, sleep in my makeup, wake up,
37:40and be like, OK, we're going.
37:42So, and then I didn't do any skin care until later.
37:45So maybe that's the key to good skin.
37:46Really on your face.
37:48Yeah.
37:49And then later try to correct it.
37:51Out of mind.
37:51Did you stay?
37:52Where did you stay?
37:53Like, with relatives when you were back there?
37:54No.
37:55I stayed, OK, so I wanted to go to the Poconos
37:58to stay at this hotel that has a champagne fluted tub.
38:03It's raised up?
38:04Yes, raised up.
38:05And it's for, like, couples.
38:07And Sushir, my best friend, was like,
38:09I found one in New Jersey.
38:10It's not like the Poconos, but it's in Jersey.
38:12And I said, OK, we went to a sex hotel.
38:17This woman took me to a sex hotel.
38:20There, I walked up to this champagne fluted tub,
38:23and there was a bath mat.
38:25And when I stepped on it, I said, that's paper, Maury.
38:27What are we doing?
38:28That's paper.
38:29It disintegrated when my wet feet got onto it.
38:33It's so funny.
38:34Yes, a paper bath mat is perhaps the worst sign.
38:37Yes.
38:37The only thing worse than a paper bath mat is gnome bath mat at all.
38:41Yes.
38:42But also, it smelled like they were cleaning up a murder, OK?
38:46Like, there was, it was such an overwhelming bleach smell.
38:49Oh, yeah.
38:50And I was, like, either a murder or, like, I don't know,
38:53someone all over the walls or something.
38:55And they had to, like, shellac it off.
38:57That's best case scenario.
38:58Truly, best case, you know?
39:03Bleach is one of those things where you're like, oh, my God,
39:06this place is all bleach.
39:07And they're like, oh, thank God this place is bleach.
39:10Yes.
39:11Real mixed feelings about bleach.
39:13Yes.
39:13And there was, they only had, like, three towels.
39:16They were like, you're not up these towels because they only gave us three.
39:20There was an itty-bitty little couch because they're like, you didn't come here to sit.
39:23And then there was a very uncomfortable bed because they were like, you didn't come to sleep.
39:31And then there was people playing house music until 3 a.m.
39:35And I was like, house music?
39:37How was I getting anybody in the mood?
39:39There was probably, like, a woman in the room being like, oh, my God.
39:42Or maybe.
39:42You got to stop.
39:44Maybe they were in the room.
39:45They're like, I wish I was in a house.
39:48I wish I was at home.
39:50You are, you're doing this show.
39:52You're part of this Netflix is a Joke festival.
39:54Yes.
39:55You've got a show at a place called Dynasty Typewriter.
39:57Yes, tomorrow.
39:57Which is a weird name for a building.
39:59It is.
39:59But hey, who am I to judge?
40:01No.
40:01Yeah.
40:02No, it's kind of a fun name for the building.
40:03It seems like a fun venue, right?
40:05Yeah, I like it.
40:05Are you by yourself on stage?
40:07Nope.
40:07I'm going to have guests.
40:08Who are you guests?
40:09Can you say?
40:09I'm not telling.
40:10They asked me not to.
40:11Why is everything a secret?
40:13Like, I know all the guests Jelly Roll has on his thing.
40:16Oh, you do?
40:17And then I couldn't say what.
40:18Oh.
40:18Should I just say who's on his?
40:20Yeah, say who's on his.
40:21So people come to my show and they're like, wait, what?
40:24Maybe they're the same people.
40:26I don't know.
40:27Probably not.
40:27He's very famous.
40:29Well, they could be, but you know all the comics.
40:31I mean, I bet you know every comic that's on his list there.
40:35It doesn't matter.
40:36We won't say, all right, it'll be a surprise.
40:37Why ruin the surprise for people?
40:39Yeah.
40:39But this is fun, right?
40:40Yeah.
40:41I love performing.
40:42I love making people laugh.
40:44Netflix is a joke.
40:45It's a huge festival.
40:46Yeah.
40:46So like, who doesn't want to be a part of it?
40:48The hotel you're in, does it have a bath mat on the ground?
40:51Or are you at home?
40:52I'm at home, but I decided to just use printer paper
40:55and just step on that to reminisce about that sex motel.
41:00Also, Jimmy, people checked in at like 3 AM.
41:03It was the wildest place I've ever been in my whole-
41:06Really?
41:06Yes.
41:06Oh, they checked in at 3 AM?
41:18The Clorox Hotel, right?
41:19No.
41:20I'm going to stay and have fun.
41:21All right.
41:21All right.
41:22Well, it's very good to see you.
41:23It's nice to see you.
41:23Have fun on tomorrow night.
41:25It's tomorrow.
41:26Netflix is a joke fest.
41:28The Dynasty typewriter right here in Los Angeles, California.
41:31You can see Nicole Byer and mystery friends live.
41:40Well, that was fun.
41:42Thanks to Jelly Roll and Nicole Byer.
41:44Apologies to Matt Damon.
41:45We ran out of time for him.
41:46Join us tomorrow night with John Mulaney and Aza Gonzalez.
41:50Nightline is next.
41:52Good night.
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