- 7 hours ago
Watch Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 1 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:11Oh
00:00:14Golly, well, well, what if Donald shouts at me?
00:00:19What do I say labby?
00:00:23Just be yourself Prime Minister yourself is who everyone likes
00:00:30Hello
00:00:35I'm sod that scary scary wonderful president
00:00:40Why is it so blubber difficult to talk to?
00:00:44Just be honest and tell them we can't send any more ships to the Strait of Hormuz. Oh
00:00:50Crumbs, I just hate conflict so much
00:00:55Are you referring to the wall or this phone call?
00:00:57Isn't there a way I can not do both?
00:01:01I just want to keep him happy labby
00:01:04You don't understand him like I do I could change him
00:01:11I don't think the feelings mutual he can't stop insulting you he called you a coward
00:01:16I'm out of my depth here labby
00:01:19How did this trust make this job look so easy?
00:01:25Look we were worried you'd lose your nerve so we've taken steps to help you gain unfounded confidence
00:01:31Mr. Prime Minister meet your Gen Z advisor at Luke Hoopy
00:01:34What's up Stamzy?
00:01:35Boop, boop, boop, boop
00:01:37At Luke Hoopy is the most qualified person we have
00:01:40He is the only person under 23 who voted Labour and would so again in the next election
00:01:47You're not voting for the Green Party?
00:01:49Nah, my dad works in oil
00:01:51Ha ha
00:01:52No caps Stamzy
00:01:53I love you and I do hearts this way with my thumb
00:01:57Thank you at little Hoopy
00:01:59I love you too
00:02:02Sirk here is trying to set boundaries with the president while preserving their special relationship
00:02:07Hmm I see facts facts okay, so you're looking for more of a special situationship
00:02:13Okay, I've got you covered
00:02:15I'm an expert in messy drama
00:02:16I've been in three throuples and I'm currently gay
00:02:22First thing you gotta do, you gotta forget the phone call these days
00:02:25It's all about the voice note
00:02:26I'll try anything
00:02:29I'll do anything
00:02:31Except take a stand
00:02:34That is so clear-coded
00:02:36Here listen, take the phone and just speak from the heart
00:02:42Hi Donald
00:02:45I'm afraid I can't go to war with you
00:02:48But that doesn't mean we can't still be chums
00:02:53America and Britain have a long, proud tradition of cooperation
00:02:57And nothing can take that away
00:02:59Remember the good times
00:03:02Remember D-Day
00:03:05Remember Live Aid
00:03:08Remember Iraq
00:03:11For the first week and then none of the rest
00:03:16Remember Helen Baxendale on Friends
00:03:20Remember Hugh Laurie on Friends
00:03:23Remember the episode of Friends where they all came to London
00:03:28Remember the one where Joey put on all of childless clothes
00:03:34That was a funny one
00:03:39Get back on tracks I get
00:03:41Yes, and most importantly remember the one where Ross and Rachel were on a break
00:03:46I think perhaps that's what we need
00:03:50Not forever
00:03:51Just until you've got all this war out of your system
00:03:55Listen, we want different things
00:03:58I know how badly you want to start World War 3
00:04:02And that's great
00:04:04We should absolutely do that
00:04:07But we can't be a part of it
00:04:10You can however use the naval bases whenever you want
00:04:14Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:25Sick job K-Dot
00:04:27Good work Sir Keir
00:04:28You did the bare minimum
00:04:31And that's all people expect
00:04:33Thank you, Lambie
00:04:35It just goes to show
00:04:38While we may not agree with everything America does
00:04:41We can still be civil
00:04:43And embrace their wonderful
00:04:47Unproblematic culture
00:04:49Speaking of which
00:04:51Live from London
00:04:53It's time!
00:05:04It's Saturday Night Live
00:05:07With
00:05:12Mamet Anamashan
00:05:19Ayawade Bamboye
00:05:25Larry Dean
00:05:32Celeste Spring
00:05:38George Boracos
00:05:45Anya Magliano
00:05:50Annabelle Marlowe
00:05:55Al Nash
00:06:01Jack Sheff
00:06:08Emma Ciddy
00:06:15Paddy Yard
00:06:21Musical guest
00:06:23Wet Leg
00:06:28And your host
00:06:30Tina Fey
00:06:40Ladies and gentlemen
00:06:42Tina Fey
00:07:02Thank you very much
00:07:03Oh my gosh
00:07:04I am so excited to be here in London
00:07:07It is an absolute honor
00:07:08And honestly
00:07:09Kind of historic
00:07:11Guys
00:07:12I am the youngest person ever
00:07:14To host SNL UK
00:07:19Again
00:07:20My name is Tina Fey
00:07:22Here in the UK
00:07:24Here in the UK
00:07:25You might know me as
00:07:26The teacher from Mean Girls
00:07:29Or you might remember
00:07:30A long time ago
00:07:31When I played Sarah Palin
00:07:33On SNL US
00:07:37Or maybe you feel like
00:07:38You recognize me
00:07:39As the lady from the show
00:07:40Veep
00:07:42And that's fine too
00:07:44Let's go with that
00:07:44So why do a UK version of SNL
00:07:48Well
00:07:49Like so many large scale
00:07:51American operations these days
00:07:52No one really knows why
00:07:56But here's what this is
00:07:58Okay
00:07:58It is a sketch comedy show
00:08:00There will be a different
00:08:01Celebrity host each week
00:08:03There will be music performances
00:08:04And the show is truly live
00:08:07So things may go wrong
00:08:09Things may have already gone wrong
00:08:11My pants were supposed to be full length
00:08:15And I'm so excited for you to meet your cast
00:08:17They are wonderful
00:08:18I can't even begin to understand them when they speak
00:08:23One boy is either Scottish or choking
00:08:28But their energy is A plus
00:08:30And I'm going to stay out of their way tonight as much as possible
00:08:34I'm just here as a long time SNL employee to help out
00:08:39And to answer like any questions anyone might have
00:08:42What to expect
00:08:43Oh hi yeah Nicola Coughlin
00:08:49It is lovely to see you
00:08:51But my question is if this is SNL UK
00:08:55Then why are you the first host
00:08:58Like shouldn't it be like a British icon
00:09:00Like David Beckham
00:09:01Or Judy Dench
00:09:02Or like Shrek
00:09:03Yeah
00:09:04Wait Shrek is British
00:09:06Scotland isn't Britain
00:09:08Tina
00:09:08Educate yourself
00:09:09Okay
00:09:10Yeah sorry
00:09:11My problem
00:09:11Well that is a valid question
00:09:13Why an American host
00:09:14And the way it was explained to me
00:09:17Was that for this first episode anyway
00:09:20How do I put this politely
00:09:22None of you fuckers would do it
00:09:26Does that make sense
00:09:27It does
00:09:28It does
00:09:28But is it possible that many of us were a little reluctant
00:09:32To be in the first show
00:09:34Because this is going out in Britain
00:09:35And British people tend to root for the failure of others
00:09:40Yeah
00:09:41Yeah why are you guys like that
00:09:43Well not me
00:09:44I'm Irish
00:09:46Educate yourself
00:09:49Look that all is to say
00:09:50If this show is a hit
00:09:51And if you do ever happen to get Olly Murs for musical guest
00:09:54I would be honoured to come back
00:09:56And win a BAFTA for it
00:09:58Maybe
00:09:58Well that's great to know
00:10:00Thank you Nicola
00:10:04Any other questions
00:10:06Oh sure
00:10:07Michael Cera
00:10:07Hi
00:10:12Hi Tina
00:10:13Hi Michael
00:10:15Why are you here
00:10:15You're not British
00:10:16No I'm Canadian
00:10:18It's part of the Commonwealth
00:10:19Educate yourself
00:10:23Sorry
00:10:24No I don't really have a question
00:10:25But I was just wanting to say
00:10:26I think you just swore a second ago
00:10:28You said the F word
00:10:29Oh yeah
00:10:30We are allowed to swear in this version of the show
00:10:37It's crazy
00:10:38Can I try?
00:10:39Sure
00:10:40If you want to
00:10:42Shit bird
00:10:44Just fucking
00:10:46Bollocks
00:10:49I think I would use it sparingly
00:10:50It feels kind of
00:10:50I'm classy
00:10:51Yeah you know what
00:10:52That's
00:10:52You're right
00:10:53I agree Michael
00:10:53That's a great note
00:10:54Thank you so much
00:10:59Time for one more
00:11:00Oh yes
00:11:01Graham Norton
00:11:05So nice to see you
00:11:07I just wondered
00:11:08Did you know
00:11:09That this is usually
00:11:10My studio
00:11:11Yeah I did hear that
00:11:12Graham
00:11:13Thank you for loaning it to us
00:11:14Oh would you mind
00:11:15If I came up there
00:11:16And just showed you
00:11:16A fiddly thing
00:11:17About this place
00:11:18Oh I would love it
00:11:18Come on
00:11:19Graham Norton
00:11:26Now Tina
00:11:27I believe you've always had a deep love of British comedy
00:11:32Are you interviewing me now?
00:11:34Let me help you
00:11:35I have a gift for making American celebrities likable to a British audience
00:11:41Wait are we not likable?
00:11:43Oh
00:11:46Hey I hear you have a really funny story
00:11:48About watching British television as a young child
00:11:52Oh well
00:11:52Yes actually
00:11:54Growing up
00:11:55We thought that anything British was educational
00:11:57So my parents showed us all British shows
00:12:00And we used to watch Benny Hill as a family
00:12:02No
00:12:04As a young girl
00:12:06You would watch Benny Hill
00:12:07No
00:12:08It really messed me up sexually
00:12:11What about AbFab?
00:12:13Oh sweetie darling
00:12:14You're just a little shop girl darling
00:12:15Keeping up appearances
00:12:16Richard
00:12:18Monty Python
00:12:19That is an ex-parrot
00:12:21Fawlty Towers
00:12:21Nobody mention the war
00:12:23Are you being served?
00:12:24My pussy is like an alarm club
00:12:27Reggie Perrin
00:12:28I didn't get where I am today by waffling
00:12:30Deep cut Monty Python
00:12:32We lived in shoebox in middle of road
00:12:35East Enders
00:12:36I killed Ethel
00:12:40David Fred
00:12:43There's been a rape up there
00:12:45And dark trends
00:12:47Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday
00:12:48Autoglass repair
00:12:50Autoglass replace
00:12:57We've got a great show
00:12:58Wet Leg is here
00:12:59Stick around and watch this
00:13:06When it comes to age defying skin care
00:13:09I don't need a time machine
00:13:11I just need something that works
00:13:14So I can bring back the spark in me
00:13:17And in us
00:13:21And now I've found it
00:13:23The anti-aging cream that works so well
00:13:25Everyone will think your husband
00:13:27Is a nonce
00:13:31She's my wife
00:13:32She's a grown woman
00:13:33Shut your mouth
00:13:34You make me sick
00:13:39Introducing Indourage
00:13:41With active compounds
00:13:43And hyaluronic acid
00:13:44Indourage delivers special protection
00:13:46For your skin
00:13:46And ensures your husband
00:13:48Will need special protection
00:13:49When he's in jail
00:13:51My wife's skin has never looked
00:13:53More youthful and fresh
00:13:54It's destroyed my life
00:13:55Thanks Indourage
00:13:56My skin looks so fresh
00:13:59My husband can't go anywhere
00:14:00Without being hunted
00:14:01By right wing
00:14:01Pedophile catching militias
00:14:08Frank, someone's at the door
00:14:11Thanks Indourage
00:14:13My husband is no longer allowed
00:14:15Within 200 feet of a score
00:14:17My husband lost his record deal
00:14:19And some but not all of his fans
00:14:24He loves the way I look
00:14:25Yeah but, you know
00:14:27Not like that
00:14:28Sorry
00:14:29Excuse me
00:14:30Little girl
00:14:31Do you know this man?
00:14:33My wife
00:14:34You sick bastard
00:14:37He's married to an Indourage girl
00:14:39He's married to an Indourage girl
00:14:42I'm married to an underage girl
00:14:45I'm gonna have I pronounce that right?
00:14:47No, I didn't mean that
00:14:51No, it's the name of the thing
00:14:54Indourage
00:14:55I'm not underage
00:14:57Or am I?
00:14:58She's not
00:14:59She's not
00:15:00Indourage
00:15:01By Peter Lay
00:15:10Hello
00:15:12I'm David Attenborough
00:15:14And it can't be long now
00:15:21As the only remaining national treasure
00:15:24Not on that list
00:15:27I enjoy a place
00:15:29I enjoy a place as one of 90%
00:15:30Of the British public's dream dinner party guests
00:15:34But I'm often asked
00:15:36But I'm often asked
00:15:36Who would be on mine?
00:15:38Well, using DNA sampling
00:15:41And my own brother's Jurassic Park technology
00:15:44I have reanimated some of history's greatest Britons
00:15:48For one night only
00:15:50So that I can ask them
00:15:52What really makes Britain great?
00:15:55This is David Attenborough's Last Supper
00:16:07I'd like to welcome my guests
00:16:10Prime Minister Winston Churchill
00:16:14Astronomer and mathematician
00:16:15Sir Isaac Newton
00:16:17Nurse Mary C. Cole
00:16:20Diana Princess of Wales
00:16:26Author Agatha Christie
00:16:29Poet Benjamin Zephaniah
00:16:33Freddie Mercury from Queen
00:16:38Elizabeth I from Being the Queen
00:16:41Eh-oh
00:16:43Surprise, surprise
00:16:44It's Ella Black
00:16:47Eh-oh, Chuck
00:16:49Thanks so much for hosting this dinner party, Sir David
00:16:52You're very welcome, Princess Di
00:16:56Now
00:16:58As this cloning technology
00:17:01Only works
00:17:03For one hour
00:17:05I'll cut to the chase
00:17:07What do you think
00:17:10Makes Britain
00:17:11Great?
00:17:14Before we commence
00:17:15There is a mystery I should like to solve
00:17:18Are we doing starters?
00:17:21I'm getting a starter
00:17:23I'm bleeding, starving
00:17:24Yes, order whatever you like
00:17:26Tonight is about thrilling conversation
00:17:29And the greatness
00:17:30Of Great Britain
00:17:32Yes, Winston Churchill
00:17:34Shall we get three starters for the table
00:17:37And do picky bits?
00:17:39Eh-oh
00:17:42Freddie says he wants the croquettes
00:17:43Oh, yeah
00:17:46I'd have the croquettes
00:17:47But I only want a little nibble
00:17:54Well, hang on, hang on
00:17:57By my calculations
00:17:58There are three croquettes in one order
00:18:01And ten of us
00:18:01Therefore, if we order three portions
00:18:03One person will miss out
00:18:04The solution is simple
00:18:06We order four
00:18:08That means that three people will get two croquettes
00:18:11But who?
00:18:13Another mystery
00:18:14Look, look, look, look
00:18:16Don't, don't worry about the food
00:18:18The BBC have spared no expense
00:18:20Bringing you back to life
00:18:23I'm sure they're happy
00:18:24To cover one dinner
00:18:26At the Ivy
00:18:27Now, as to the source
00:18:30Of Britain's greatness
00:18:32Not to be that person
00:18:33But I don't like croquettes
00:18:34I'd rather get the soup
00:18:35Hi about
00:18:36That's a lot of starter
00:18:37Just for you
00:18:39Have a knee-daddy
00:18:41Freddie's right
00:18:42We shouldn't all have to pay
00:18:43For your starter
00:18:44No, no one's paying
00:18:45No one's paying
00:18:46It's
00:18:48It's covered, guys
00:18:50Tonight
00:18:50It's about
00:18:52Sinterlighting conversation
00:18:53And
00:18:54Learning from each other
00:18:57Yes
00:18:57Benjamin Zephaniah
00:18:58Do you think each coffee comes with a free rice?
00:19:01If it has an asterisk next to its name
00:19:04Then it comes with a free rice
00:19:07People on the street
00:19:09You're right, Freddie
00:19:11There are some people on the street
00:19:12But that doesn't answer the question about poppadoms
00:19:16Stop it
00:19:17Stop it now
00:19:20It doesn't matter what we have to eat
00:19:24I'll put that down
00:19:25Put it
00:19:26This experiment has been a complete waste of time
00:19:31And money
00:19:32The answer I was looking for
00:19:35As to what makes Britain truly great
00:19:37Was the NHS
00:19:38And centre parks
00:19:40There
00:19:42You've ruined it
00:19:43Dinner over
00:19:47Now we shall move on
00:19:49To the love-making portion of the evening
00:19:53Anybody who wants to leave
00:19:56Now's your chance
00:20:00Head over to iPlayer now
00:20:02To see the full, uncut edition
00:20:04Of David Attenborough's Last Supper
00:20:06Thank you
00:20:44I'm Ed Boobies
00:20:45Welcome to Boobies
00:20:47Goes to the Films
00:20:48The show about all things cinema
00:20:50And this is a very special day
00:20:53I'm pinching myself to be honest
00:20:54We've got Ricky Hall
00:20:55And Lena Phillips
00:20:56In the house
00:20:57In the house
00:21:00What's happening
00:21:01Good to be here
00:21:02They're here to talk to us
00:21:03Through their new film
00:21:04Hot Streak
00:21:05And they are two icons of cinema
00:21:07I hope you don't mind me saying
00:21:08No, I don't mind at all
00:21:10Keep saying it
00:21:14Nina, I've been a fan
00:21:16Since your first film
00:21:17Sunrise Eyes
00:21:18Wow, that's a deep cut
00:21:20Oh yeah
00:21:21Cult classic colour
00:21:24And Ricky
00:21:25Crazy goat
00:21:27Underrated movie
00:21:29Thanks so much, man
00:21:30No, no, thank you
00:21:31And I guess I'm trying to say
00:21:32I love you
00:21:33And your work so much
00:21:34I hope that's not too creepy
00:21:35No, thank you
00:21:37Thanks so much, man
00:21:37Okay, so
00:21:38Let's talk about Hot Streak
00:21:40I watched this last night
00:21:41It fucking sucked
00:21:49Excuse me?
00:21:51It sucked
00:21:53So bad
00:21:54Like all the way through
00:21:55What happened?
00:22:02Lena, you first
00:22:05Yeah, well, we loved working on this movie
00:22:09Yeah, it was a dream to work with Vicky
00:22:11Our director
00:22:13But why did it suck so bad
00:22:15Like all the way through?
00:22:16Well, I don't think it sucked
00:22:18It did
00:22:20Yeah, all the way through
00:22:23Where's our PR?
00:22:24No, no, he's gone to get me some fruit
00:22:25Look
00:22:27I could be wrong
00:22:29I don't think I am
00:22:31But I could be
00:22:32Let's check out a clip
00:22:37Oh
00:22:38Oh, boo
00:22:42This sucking so bad
00:22:43Ricky
00:22:44You're not even acting there
00:22:46I mean, you are acting
00:22:47But it's so wrong
00:22:48And sour
00:22:50You know
00:22:51No, no
00:22:52Stop the tape
00:22:53Stop the tape
00:22:53It's just
00:22:54That sucks
00:22:58I just
00:23:02I just know
00:23:03If you tried
00:23:05If everyone tried
00:23:06And like
00:23:07It gave me everything
00:23:08We could have got there
00:23:10It didn't have to be good
00:23:12You know
00:23:13I don't need good
00:23:14I just need it not to fucking suck
00:23:17Like all the way through
00:23:18Can everything stop sucking
00:23:20All the time
00:23:21Because it's making my life bad
00:23:24Is that too much to ask?
00:23:26Please
00:23:28Sorry
00:23:28We're sorry
00:23:31That's okay
00:23:33Join us next time
00:23:34On Boobies Goes to the Films
00:23:36I've been Ed Boobies
00:23:37Wishing you a decent day
00:23:38Oh, get in, legend
00:23:40Thanks
00:23:46Get to work
00:23:47What a time to be alive, people
00:23:49My name is Turpin Turpin
00:23:50Yep
00:23:51Both my names are Turpin
00:23:52Great job
00:23:53All right
00:23:54Janet, how we doing?
00:23:55Good
00:23:55Yes
00:23:55What do we do here?
00:23:56We're all working together
00:23:57To make the internet
00:23:58As bad as we can possibly get it
00:24:00It's a team effort
00:24:01I'm Jan
00:24:02I'm almost 19
00:24:03And I'm the password manager
00:24:05Essentially my job is
00:24:06Just before you enter in a short
00:24:08Memorable password of your own
00:24:10I come up with a very long
00:24:11And complicated one
00:24:12I promise I'll remember it
00:24:13And then I don't
00:24:15I'm the X-Man
00:24:16I do all the X's for online adverts
00:24:18We try and make them smaller
00:24:20Than any human finger
00:24:20Even if you do manage to close it
00:24:22What does an X even mean?
00:24:23Sometimes they can mean
00:24:24Close this window
00:24:26Sometimes they can mean
00:24:27Open four more windows
00:24:29It came out
00:24:30I think most people
00:24:31Think it's the first one
00:24:33Most people voted for Hitler
00:24:37Sorry
00:24:37I'm online a lot
00:24:39Don't know what's real
00:24:40The thing is
00:24:41Is there are websites
00:24:42That no one would ever
00:24:43Intentionally visit
00:24:44You know
00:24:45No one actually wants
00:24:46To enter the Omaze house drawer
00:24:48No one is really
00:24:49Over money
00:24:49Just being born
00:24:50Between 1995 and 1997
00:24:52And no one intentionally
00:24:53Clicks on Family Guy porn
00:24:55Except me
00:24:56But that's only because of
00:24:58How much I like to look at it
00:25:01Good people
00:25:01This is good
00:25:02Woo
00:25:04My speciality
00:25:05I'm the guy who moves things
00:25:06At the last second
00:25:07So that people click on
00:25:08The wrong stuff online
00:25:16Okay she's about to click
00:25:17Stand by
00:25:18Standing by
00:25:24She's hovering
00:25:25She's hovering
00:25:28And
00:25:30Budget
00:25:37Yes
00:25:38Yes
00:25:41Yes
00:25:41Yes
00:25:41Yes
00:25:42Yes
00:25:43I sliced there
00:25:44Cause she won't get back
00:25:46So
00:25:48We got her
00:25:53Do you get paid?
00:25:54No
00:25:55No
00:25:56No
00:25:56No
00:25:57But let me ask you this
00:25:58Let me ask you this
00:25:58Do you get paid for your job?
00:26:12Gosh ten hours of labor doesn't look like this little man's in a rush. Why is it taking so long?
00:26:18Don't worry
00:26:19He's just a bit. It's just a bit shy
00:26:30I think I prefer a shy one to be honest
00:26:35I'm dr. Amanda Miller. I graduated Harvard summa cum laude. My kids are very mean to me, but I don't
00:26:40have time to get into that right now
00:26:44He's just a bit shy I wish that was the case. I'm so sorry mrs. Cook, but your baby is
00:26:49not shy
00:26:50He's something much more sinister
00:26:52He's pretending to be shy for attention
00:26:59And we need to act fast before it metastasizes
00:27:05Unless you want your son to be an adult man who is addicted to cancelling plans. Let me do my
00:27:11goddamn job
00:27:14Well, wait hang on what what if he's shy around strangers, but he lets his guard down around people he
00:27:20trusts and like an introverted extrovert
00:27:23Yeah, those are essentially a myth most people who make a big deal out of being shy are medically speaking
00:27:29fake-ass divas
00:27:31No, son of mine's gonna be a fake-ass diva
00:27:35I mean look I'm no doctor. I'm just a stupid rocket scientist, but
00:27:42Genuinely shy
00:27:44Okay, but like now he's dancing
00:27:55I'm just like why why would a genuinely shy person do that?
00:28:00Wait, he's he's quite good
00:28:02My god
00:28:04He is quite good
00:28:06He's not amazing, but he's quite good
00:28:08He's got spirit. You can tell he's actually enjoying himself
00:28:13Hey ho
00:28:16Hey ho
00:28:17Mr. and Mrs. Cook this is serious
00:28:19Okay, an authentically shy person would not pop their puss in this manner
00:28:26Oh Harry
00:28:28Maybe she's right
00:28:29Maybe she's right
00:28:29What if her son is giving cringe?
00:28:32Only claiming to be socially awkward on it suits him
00:28:35They'll slash them
00:28:37He's sitting in the corner at parties because he gets overwhelmed
00:28:41But then he's the loudest and most abrasive person there by quite some distance
00:28:47The type of bitch to give a presentation at work and make the whole thing about how nervous he is
00:28:51Even though it's like girl you volunteered to do this
00:28:55Oh no
00:28:56And now he's holding his hands out to show that they're shaking
00:28:59But it's obvious it's him who's making it happen
00:29:04Doctor, do something
00:29:06Grab a leg
00:29:08Honey, are you the diamond in my wedding ring?
00:29:11Because you are fake as hell and we can see right through you, okay?
00:29:16Okay, well he's dancing again
00:29:18Oh god
00:29:19Doctor, please
00:29:20We just want him out of there safe and sound
00:29:24Fine
00:29:25I promised myself I would never do this
00:29:29Hey sweetie
00:29:30How are you feeling?
00:29:32So, um, a bunch of us are thinking of doing karaoke
00:29:37Stop! Don't leave without me!
00:29:40But I'm literally just gonna watch
00:29:42Woo!
00:29:43Ah!
00:29:44He's coming! He's coming!
00:29:46He's coming!
00:29:46Oh!
00:29:47Oh!
00:29:47Congratulations!
00:29:49He's a nightmare!
00:30:05Ladies and gentlemen, wet leg!
00:30:15Nice child
00:30:17Get out the way
00:30:19We're in our way
00:30:20You fought a beat up
00:30:22Too bad
00:30:23You couldn't stay
00:30:26We're in our way
00:30:27Yeah
00:30:28That was horrible
00:30:30That was horrible
00:30:34That was horrible
00:30:36That was horrible
00:30:40Yo!
00:30:40That was horrible
00:30:42You think I'm pretty?
00:30:45You think I'm pretty cool
00:30:47You wanna fuck me?
00:30:48I know most people do
00:30:51You take this packet, you read it, it says March 2
00:30:54I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:30:58Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:02I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:05Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:13Good job, give you an A
00:31:16Golden star, you think you're clever
00:31:19Good God, she took a break, made a mistake
00:31:25But she needs ever, get out forever
00:31:32Get out forever, get out forever
00:31:40You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty
00:31:44It's cool, you wanna fuck me, I know most people do
00:31:48You take this packet, you read it, it says March 2
00:31:52I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:55I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:59Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:03I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:06I know you're up at night, pushed over your phone line
00:32:13A dream that the hill is crooked from the wind that bites
00:32:21You say you're lost at sea, call the RNA line
00:32:28You're washed up around the moon, you're standing in my life
00:32:35You're standing in my life
00:32:39You're standing in my life
00:32:42You're standing in my life
00:32:48You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:32:52You say you're scared, I know most people do
00:32:56This is the real world, honey, yeah baby
00:32:59Spider, everything, all this is just for getting through
00:33:03Nice try, now get out of the way
00:33:06You talk, you take a fucking
00:33:09I said I'll be a, you wanna be a, you wanna be a
00:33:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:33:17Nice try, get out of the way
00:33:20You're in our way
00:33:22Get up forever
00:33:55It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
00:34:09I'm Paddy Young.
00:34:11And I'm Anya Magliano.
00:34:17Coming up on tonight's Weekend Update, paedophilia.
00:34:20But first, war.
00:34:25Yesterday in a shock U-turn, Keir Starmer finally gave his consent for President Trump
00:34:30to use British bases to protect the Strait of Hormuz.
00:34:33At which point Trump said,
00:34:35consent?
00:34:36Now you've taken all the fun out of it.
00:34:40As Iranian strikes continue to hit Dubai, the cost of chartering a private jet has risen
00:34:46so high that many influencers have been struggling to flee.
00:34:49I must stress though, it's not all good news.
00:34:57If any influencers are killed, and again, we can only hope they are, at least they'll
00:35:03be easy to identify by their dental records.
00:35:05They're the massive white ones made in Turkey.
00:35:09You've got to feel for them.
00:35:10They went there to evade income tax and now they have to evade income in a tax.
00:35:15We're now three weeks into the Iran war, which started with the death of one Ayatollah Khomini
00:35:20and the appointment of another Ayatollah Khomini.
00:35:23Khomini?
00:35:24Two, but one's dead now.
00:35:33Not everyone in NATO wants to get involved.
00:35:36German Defence Minister Boris Pistorius said there would be no military participation from
00:35:41Germany.
00:35:42Where was this energy in 1939?
00:35:48Also, is there a more evil name than Boris Pistorius?
00:35:53How do you do?
00:35:54The name's Saddam Walliams.
00:36:00The head of the Asian Football Confederation said this week that Iran is still set to play
00:36:06at the upcoming World Cup in America.
00:36:08If Iran does take part, America has guaranteed that all of their matches will be refereed by
00:36:13a completely impartial MQ-9 Reaper drone.
00:36:18We all know the supply of oil has been affected by this war, but the Strait of Hormuz is also
00:36:24the primary route for a third of the world's helium.
00:36:26A spokesperson for the helium industry said...
00:36:37We've run out of helium.
00:36:46With pressure mounting to secure the Strait of Hormuz and the Royal Navy almost completely out of action,
00:36:52the government have decided to send in the only British naval captain who's ready to go.
00:36:58Please welcome Captain Birdseye!
00:37:08Now, Captain, I think the question a lot of people at home are asking is...
00:37:15Why is the government sending a fish finger man to a red-hot war zone?
00:37:20Fish finger man?
00:37:21I am the purveyor of the finest fish fingers in the land.
00:37:25Succulent card fillets and a perfectly crispy golden crumb.
00:37:28Only the best for the captain's table.
00:37:30Fish finger?
00:37:31Captain Birdseye, can I remind you, this is a military operation.
00:37:35Exactly.
00:37:36Preparation.
00:37:37Timing.
00:37:37Control.
00:37:39Six minutes one side, turn.
00:37:41Six minutes the other.
00:37:43Now that's what I call a proper fish finger.
00:37:45Fish finger?
00:37:47You're about to be deployed to Iran.
00:37:49Can you stop banging on about fish fingers?
00:37:51Fine.
00:37:52We also do chicken dibbers, potato waffles, and for some reason the devil only knows, peas.
00:37:59Captain, there are real lives at stake here.
00:38:02Oh!
00:38:03You want to get real, do you, you scurvy little deck rat?
00:38:07Alright, answer me this.
00:38:09You think I spent the last five decades sailing around in a 150-foot schooner with 300 singing children just
00:38:16to sell fish fingers, do ye?
00:38:18I'm sorry, did you say 300 singing children?
00:38:20Cause I'll tell you what's real, you bilge-drinking haddock.
00:38:25What's real is the nation's favourite fish fingers are just a cover for my actual work.
00:38:30Special Forces black-up savagery that would haunt your dreams.
00:38:34What's real is opening up a Serbian mercenary's neck with a machete.
00:38:39Watching it yawn open, hot and steamed, like a split-fish finger.
00:38:45This is insane!
00:38:46Insane!
00:38:47I'll show you insane!
00:38:50Are those human fingers?
00:38:52Only the best for the captain's table!
00:38:56Captain Burns, hi everyone!
00:38:58Another new hero!
00:39:04Renovations to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's new home, Marsh Farm, have been taking place over the last month, including the installation
00:39:12of Sky TV.
00:39:14So, if you're watching Andrew, hello!
00:39:17You're not gonna like this next bit.
00:39:20Also, I'm older than I look.
00:39:28Andrew's new residence, Marsh Farm, is of course named after the nearby Marsh where his body will be found.
00:39:38It was reported this week that the police investigation into Andrew is set to widen.
00:39:43The big question now is, if Andrew is charged, found guilty and put in prison, will he be able to
00:39:48keep his mouth shut?
00:39:49I hope not, said his cellmate's penis.
00:40:00Conservative leader, Kemi Badenoch, told Times Radio that she would confront a shoplifter if they were, quote, not too big.
00:40:08So, rest assured, if you shoplift and Kemi does try to stop you, it means she thinks you're skinny!
00:40:16In showbiz news, feuding father and son David and Brooklyn Beckham narrowly miss each other whilst at the same Beverly
00:40:22Hills Hotel.
00:40:23The feud began when Victoria was, quote, inappropriately close with her son at his wedding,
00:40:28and escalated after Brooklyn accidentally yelled out his wife's name during sex with his mum.
00:40:43The award-winning TV series, It's a Sin, is set to be adapted for the stage as a dance show,
00:40:49as if a TV show about the AIDS crisis could get any gayer.
00:40:57Tonight, the K-pop band BTS are launching their New World Tour.
00:41:01My worry is, with 82 dates across 23 countries, the stress of the tour is going to put a strain
00:41:07on Jimin and V's soulmate relationship.
00:41:10Sure, J-Hope nurtures sugar's inner child, but will Jimin's teasing of sugar make V jealous?
00:41:15And can RM give enough skin chip to baby Jungkook while melting at J-Hope's laugh?
00:41:19Will his dimples still be popping at Jimin's cuteness after an 82-date tour?
00:41:24No idea.
00:41:26I'm not really that into BTS.
00:41:29For Weekend Update, I'm Anya Magliano.
00:41:31And I'm Paddy Young. Goodbye!
00:41:32with Kim one!
00:41:33I'm Paddy Young.
00:41:49And the World Touring of J-Hope.
00:41:50Yes!
00:41:51For Weekend Update.
00:41:54Yes!
00:41:54We're a winner.
00:42:01Good luck.
00:42:11Please be safe in London, Will.
00:42:14Nay, worry not, wife.
00:42:16I will be nothing but safe,
00:42:18for all I will think of is returning to thee
00:42:21and our boy, Hamnet.
00:42:25What about our daughters?
00:42:27I must away.
00:42:28My production of The Tempest begins anon.
00:42:35Adieu.
00:42:49Tempest was a hit.
00:42:52Methinks I might write another of these plays.
00:42:58Thou art returned.
00:43:00Did I not tell thee I would?
00:43:02But hast thou nothing to say?
00:43:06I have sorely missed thee.
00:43:09Likewise, my dear wife, likewise.
00:43:11But dost thou not think I appear chinged?
00:43:17Tis hard to fix mine eyes on anything
00:43:20for the blood that doth course in mine veins
00:43:22on the sweet return of thee to me.
00:43:25Ye really look at me, though.
00:43:29What vexes thee?
00:43:31I've got a cunty little earring.
00:43:37Oh, so it is.
00:43:39The hour is upon me.
00:43:40I must to London.
00:43:42My staging of Macbeth awaiteth.
00:43:47Farewell, Will.
00:43:49I will wait upon thy return.
00:44:06William, thou art returned.
00:44:11Good day, wife.
00:44:13Good day, Hamnet.
00:44:20Will, how London hath changed thee.
00:44:25Come, wife.
00:44:26Let me sit and put me fate up.
00:44:31What art thou wearing?
00:44:33Oh, dost like it?
00:44:36Tis me slutty little chain.
00:44:42Tis all the rage in London.
00:44:45I must to London.
00:44:49My next staging awaits.
00:44:52Henry IV, part two.
00:44:54Henry V.
00:44:58Let not London change thee too much.
00:45:30Will, mine eyes do not recognise thee.
00:45:35Girl.
00:45:36Tis me bitch.
00:45:39Will, thou art a different man.
00:45:42Peace, wife.
00:45:43I be you, Shakespeare.
00:45:44The remix be Troy Savanne.
00:45:49Tis not thee, Will.
00:45:51Tis so, bitch.
00:45:53Thou art in Stratford-upon-Avon,
00:45:55and I've been in London upon Ketamin.
00:45:59I'm like Charlie XCX.
00:46:01Sorry, Charlie 10 110.
00:46:08I'm in my glow era.
00:46:09I'm in my glow era, honey.
00:46:13What's that era?
00:46:14We are in one, bitch.
00:46:16Mine.
00:46:20My wife, I bring gifts.
00:46:21This is called a tote bag.
00:46:25I want that knot.
00:46:31Wig, my girl.
00:46:33Thou'st look cunty for sure.
00:46:37What does the C word mean?
00:46:40Hmm.
00:46:41Methinks I can't explain.
00:46:42It's not a bad word.
00:46:44It's a good thing.
00:46:45A great thing.
00:46:46It's bleached brows.
00:46:49It's the cast of Desperate Housewives.
00:46:52It's cabin crew.
00:46:53Bald head on a woman.
00:46:55The Elizabeth line.
00:46:56A thin woman eating a big plate of meat.
00:46:58It is as a riddle's play upon thy tongue.
00:47:01Thou art just gagged.
00:47:07Hamlet's ate the powder within your coin purse.
00:47:18He'll be fine.
00:47:20Tis but a K hole.
00:47:22And you know what hitteth hard in the hole?
00:47:25Rihanna, bitch.
00:47:48You've seen the film.
00:47:52You've heard the musical.
00:47:54Now experience the experience.
00:47:58The live Paddington bear experience.
00:48:02This is so exciting.
00:48:03We can't believe we're actually going to meet Paddington, aren't we?
00:48:06We brought marmalade sandwiches.
00:48:09It's Clara's Hentu.
00:48:11We got bands from Magic Mike.
00:48:13And Liz kept groping Magic Mike.
00:48:16Watch out, Paddington.
00:48:17I can't wait to meet that little bear.
00:48:22Welcome to 32 Windsor Gardens.
00:48:27At London's most immersive experience, get closer to Paddington than ever before.
00:48:34Now, who here would like to meet a very rare sort of bear?
00:48:40Yay!
00:48:42Janet!
00:48:43Open the cage!
00:48:44A place where memories last forever.
00:48:53Paddington?
00:49:10Why did we hire a real bear?
00:49:12Well, I know we wanted to hire the little actress from the musical, but she wanted too much money.
00:49:17And I had seen the bear in something.
00:49:20He was amazing.
00:49:21What was it?
00:49:30The zoo.
00:49:31I had seen him at the zoo.
00:49:34That was amazing.
00:49:36Yeah, well, I've lost half my face.
00:49:38Yeah, but I've gained some of the reason.
00:49:40None of that happened in the films.
00:49:44That was a lot more blood than I thought there'd be.
00:49:46And at Paddington's photo booth, we'll be sure to capture all of the magic.
00:49:52Well, I was actually on a terrible date, but let's just say I didn't need to ask for Angela.
00:49:56I asked for Paddington.
00:50:00The Guardian calls it truly unforgettable.
00:50:04They said he likes marmalade.
00:50:05He doesn't like marmalade.
00:50:07He likes human hands.
00:50:12I've always thought that three kids was a bit too many, and now I've got the optimum amount.
00:50:19None.
00:50:19The stage says, inarguably immersive.
00:50:23Do I have any regrets?
00:50:26In retrospect, maybe hot glue gunning the hat to the bear's head may have made it more angry.
00:50:34I'm taking it to Broadway regardless.
00:50:36The live Paddington bear experience.
00:50:39Book before June 25th and get a free tetanus jab.
00:50:43I found a foot.
00:50:46Has anyone lost a foot?
00:50:47No.
00:50:54Once again, wet leg!
00:51:12Can you catch a medicine ball?
00:51:16Can you catch yourself when you fall?
00:51:19You should be careful.
00:51:21Do you catch my drift?
00:51:23Cause what I really want to know is can you catch these fists?
00:51:27Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down.
00:51:34Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:39Level up!
00:51:41I know I'll do well just with your life.
00:51:47I don't want you to love, I just want to fight.
00:51:58We're on our way to the club.
00:52:02Stupid is, stupid does.
00:52:06Wimousine, racking up.
00:52:09Get to me.
00:52:11Giddy up!
00:52:12Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down.
00:52:20Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:52:25Level up!
00:52:26I know I'll do well just with your life.
00:52:33I don't want you to love, I just want to fight.
00:52:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down.
00:53:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:53:11Level up!
00:53:12I know I'll do well just with your life.
00:53:19I don't want your love, I just want to fight.
00:53:26I know I'll do well just with your life.
00:53:33I don't want you, love, I just want to fight.
00:53:48I'm down.
00:54:36Oh, Jane, look at you.
00:54:40Divorced, saggy, alone.
00:54:42What a sad little life, Jane.
00:54:46Fancy profits, eh?
00:54:50Sure, yeah, I've actually lost a ton of weight.
00:54:53Oh, good for you.
00:54:54Yeah, due to immense stress.
00:54:56I have a bad life.
00:54:58I'm sorry to hear that.
00:54:59Well, I'm just going to do it around your top, OK?
00:55:02So, here we go.
00:55:04We've got the middle.
00:55:04That's 38 inches.
00:55:06So, yeah, that's quite wide.
00:55:08And cup size, that's a B, so it's small.
00:55:13You're not happy with that?
00:55:15Oh, 38 B, that's not exactly a sexy bra size.
00:55:18And it feels kind of schlubby.
00:55:21Oh.
00:55:22Would you like me to zhuzh?
00:55:25Huh?
00:55:27Zhuzh it up a bit for the surrounds.
00:55:30What does that mean?
00:55:32A zhuzh for the surrounds.
00:55:35Right, OK.
00:55:36So, I come back in, and I zhuzh, right?
00:55:39I very loudly make a point of how big your bra size is.
00:55:43These out there don't know what you're really measured as.
00:55:47Oink, oink.
00:55:48Is that a British thing?
00:55:50It is a thing.
00:55:52Do you want to give it a go?
00:55:54It is a free service.
00:55:56Sure.
00:55:57Won't be long, ladies.
00:55:58I'm just doing a fitting.
00:55:59Oh, my goodness.
00:56:02Wow.
00:56:03These are going to measure up nicely.
00:56:06So, we're going to start with the width.
00:56:08Very petite.
00:56:10But your cup size is...
00:56:13Big?
00:56:13Big cup size, right?
00:56:16Oh, crikey.
00:56:17Yeah, they've got a real weight to them.
00:56:19Oh, fantastic.
00:56:21In fact, I'm surprised...
00:56:23You don't topple over.
00:56:24You don't topple over.
00:56:26With a great big rack like that, my bits.
00:56:30Oh, oh, you nearly poked my eye out.
00:56:34Hey, you've heard of Pinocchio?
00:56:36Well, you're like that, but the nose is big, lovely bazoombas.
00:56:41Is that OK?
00:56:42Yeah, that's good.
00:56:44So, I'm happy to tell you, what size would you like, darling?
00:56:47Like, big, but keep it classy, like, double D is good.
00:56:49Oh, no, we're going bigger than that.
00:56:52You're a gorgeous, petite and perky, 28G.
00:56:57What an absolute pair.
00:57:02And how's that feel?
00:57:03I feel amazing.
00:57:05Thank you so much, Miss...
00:57:08Juggs.
00:57:09They call me Juggs.
00:57:12Right.
00:57:14There you go.
00:57:17Put these back on the rack, Jackie.
00:57:19They were so far too small for this customer's great big buzies.
00:57:26Lovely tits you got there, miss.
00:57:30Juggs, wait.
00:57:33Is there anything else that you could judge for me?
00:57:36Like, for the surrounds?
00:57:38My 2026 is kind of rough.
00:57:41Like, basically, I was responsible for editing this British film award ceremony.
00:57:47And let's just say I did not get it right.
00:57:53It's a zhuzh for the surrounds, darling.
00:57:56Not for the soul.
00:57:58But you'll be all right with those great big wicked knockers.
00:58:04Uh, excuse me.
00:58:08Okay, Jean-Page, what are you doing in the women's changing rooms?
00:58:12Oh, it's a long and sexy story.
00:58:16Listen, I don't usually do this, but...
00:58:18Can I buy you a drink?
00:58:20On the fifth floor, next to the baby clothes and electricals.
00:58:24Sure, I could do that.
00:58:29Thanks for changing my life.
00:58:35Tiny little kids.
00:58:37They were small.
00:58:38They were small.
00:58:40They were small.
00:58:4244 seconds with four hikers.
00:58:52What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:58:55What kind of Irish is your gramps?
00:58:58Is he this?
00:58:59Come here to me.
00:59:00Which one of you little garb shows through a heap of phobes on my window?
00:59:03You've got to tell me, because I know you're a dart, and I know you're a dart, and I know
00:59:07you're a dart.
00:59:08What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:11Isn't it?
00:59:12So that's a picture of me back in 82 on the 12th of the King William Lodge.
00:59:16You know, they can also want a ballad shirt and a death print.
00:59:18What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:21Isn't it?
00:59:22I'll bring them round the back.
00:59:23I'll put four new shoes on and don't worry about them.
00:59:25If I'm a grand man for the shoes, I'll lift the shot of any man's back.
00:59:28Bastard.
00:59:29What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:31Isn't it?
00:59:32So granddad, waelic, cactart grs, all the ugly arm, all the more guarda.
00:59:39Gwyl finis digal nuspanak.
00:59:42Skat should rig er gol.
00:59:45Oh, row she thaw, hool yel, oh, row she thaw, hool yel.
00:59:51Oh, row she thaw, hool yel.
00:59:51Oh, row she thaw, hool yel.
00:59:52Oh, row she thaw, hool yel.
00:59:55Enter up and tal re.
00:59:59Wow.
01:00:02Wow, Nicola Coughlin from the Dairy Girls.
01:00:06Uh, no, it's Dairy Girls.
01:00:08It doesn't matter, Nicola Coughlin.
01:00:11None of this is real.
01:00:14Good night, God bless, love you.
01:00:20Four to four seconds with four items.
01:00:27My biggest thanks to Wetleg.
01:00:30Nicola Coughlin, Michael Cera, Graham Norton, Reggie Jean-Pierre.
01:00:34And a huge thank you to the cast and writers and everyone for welcoming me here and making
01:00:41it such a great week.
01:00:43Congratulations, SNL UK is born!
01:00:47Thank you, guys.
01:00:54Thank you, guys.
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