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00:05One second get in the car he's getting in the car so he's freaking born with one second yeah
00:13Mike here we go this is progress this is the slowest I've ever seen anyone is he
00:21gonna thank me for that where's my wife and there it is he's waving no that was a hand on
00:27a mirror
00:30what kind of animal raised you that you don't give a wave do you know the danger you've put us
00:35in now
00:35that I have to aggressively overtake you just to flip you off wave I'm gonna get out of this car
00:41rip your head off and shit down your lungs stick your hand in the air no no you're all right
00:48you're
00:49all right oh he's lovely
01:06look at you oh it's very lesbian central in here
01:13look at all the lesbians in this room holy shit I mean I know there's other people too but you
01:19know no no no welcome to the straight people I'm an ally make some noise if you're heterosexual
01:26yeah oh put your hand down oh manella oh manella I am with you guys both my parents are straight
01:34so
01:34I feel that in my heart okay listen it's tough for us too okay we have to do our own
01:42research and I
01:42want you to know when I came out of the closet I was 26 years old this is back when
01:47Jesus was a boy
01:49and back then there were two there were the gays who were the guys and then there were the lesbians
01:57who were us and we had no work for each other we never talked we kept to ourselves and then
02:05one day
02:05the gays came up to us and they went hey lesbians and we went what
02:15and then the gays said to the lesbians hey lesbians look at that and we're like what is that and
02:24the
02:24gays went those are bi's and we went by what by now gay later and you know what we did
02:33because we
02:34didn't understand what they were we didn't understand what bisexuality was so we went over
02:39to them and go so who do you guys do and they explained it to us and we're like all
02:46right come
02:47on let's start an alphabet this is a very soft trigger for people people like you know I don't
02:54understand the alphabet you know the alphabet malphia alphabet mafia you guys are taking the whole
03:01alphabet I go yeah bitch we're coming for the numbers next actually I just found out there's a
03:06number in there now there's two there's a number two in there I'm as surprised as you are whenever
03:12I see I go holy holy what why are all those letters there like I'm out of breath at the
03:22end of it
03:22and I have to think about lgbtqia plus two
03:35does your husband never get around to fixing that crooked shelf is your house falling apart
03:41because he never fixes what he says he'll fix yes you need to hire a les that's me as an
03:50animation
03:51hi I'm leslie beyond ceo of hire a les the largest and fastest growing all-female home maintenance
03:59company in the world we're also the only one let's face it your husband is terrible at diy
04:05and he will get lost in your bermuda triangle but not our highly trained lesbatarians they're great at
04:13both of those things our services include but i'm not limited to hinge repair men's repair painting
04:19installing smoke detectors fingering repairing drywall fixing baking plumbing hammering and slow down
04:24swaying to constant craving by katie lang but don't just take my word for it listen to all these
04:30satisfied customers she was thorough very thorough oh my god oh my god sorry thorough
04:41hire a lesbian ruined my life
04:46house looks great though
04:49hire a les today satisfaction guarantee
04:54honey can i come back in you guys watching the cricket
04:59what's the score she was a regular woman delta life altering diagnosis you've contracted early
05:07onset karen this is the life of a karen
05:13our karen now finds herself here the karen clinic
05:19this is perfect for you is it well they've got fox news running all day
05:23it is freezing in here well hello ladies welcome to the karen clinic how can i help you today i'd
05:31like
05:31you to explain what's colder than which is ted in here it's my auntie she's been diagnosed with early
05:37onset karen i understand we have a lot of ladies like her here the doctor says it's terminal and i
05:42really
05:43want to take care of her myself it's just been really hard you're doing a fantastic job well done it's
05:48not easy
05:51her to3
05:54over here
05:55oh mac
05:55how do you feel about a little look around
05:58what we're finding is these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming karen's it's why
06:03we built this amazing state-of-the-art facility so these middle-aged white women have somewhere to
06:08go to complain and argue and just be angry free range
06:13Hey, why are you so loud?
06:16You're causing noise pollution.
06:18Sorry, this is frightful woman.
06:19I'm going to phone the council.
06:20This is nonsense.
06:22Yeah, I've got someone here with a terrible haircut
06:24and a moose knuckle.
06:25I'm filming you.
06:26I'm watching you.
06:27This is going on the internet.
06:28I have to get off the phone.
06:29I need to record something.
06:31Don't worry about it.
06:32We have expert staff that intercept every call on the property.
06:36This is our telephone interception reception
06:40where we take all of our calls.
06:41These guys will role play any complaint line,
06:44from local council to police to the shopping centre.
06:48Hello, this is your husband speaking.
06:51I'm an arsehole.
06:53Tell me more.
06:54This is incredible.
06:56What do you think?
06:57Listen, I found your secret stash of Kit Kats in the garage,
07:00you filthy truffle pig.
07:01Yes, I am a truffle pig.
07:03I'm putting you back on the 5-2 diet.
07:05I know it's good for your house.
07:06I'll get a salad next time.
07:08You're just like your father.
07:09She is doing really well.
07:12What I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program.
07:18All right.
07:19Everybody ready?
07:22A young person on a bike on the grass.
07:25How does this make you feel?
07:27I'm fine.
07:30A jeep parking too close to your RAV4.
07:36No.
07:38No big deal.
07:42Your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch with her tussies hanging out.
07:49Tot!
07:50Kids, it's a family event.
07:52Put some clothes on with us.
07:53What'd you have for breakfast?
07:54That is inappropriate.
07:56Okay.
07:56That is inappropriate.
07:57Tess, no one else is dressed like that.
07:59The mum's spot.
08:00It's Christmas.
08:01Come.
08:03That is inappropriate.
08:04Warning.
08:05Ha!
08:07Not again.
08:08It's inappropriate.
08:08No, no, no.
08:10In with the breath.
08:13Out with needing to see the manager.
08:20I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go.
08:22Like, what if she hates it here?
08:24Well, then she'll complain.
08:26That should really cheer her up.
08:28Look.
08:29She's already settling in.
08:31Thank you, Doctor.
08:34Of course.
08:40Do you know what I find fascinating?
08:43The female form.
08:44The woman's body is just such a mysterious place, isn't it?
08:48And I think when you talk to men, it just really brings home how little you fucking know about stuff.
08:53I talk to my brother and some of my male friends.
08:57Very little.
08:57But I do.
08:58And I say to them, what do you know about the female form?
09:01And they go, it can grow a baby and it gets very aggressive when it gets its period.
09:10Well, I've got news for you, boys.
09:12Wait till it stops.
09:15You might get five minutes a day of clarity.
09:19And the rest of the time is fuck you time.
09:23But at least science is on board and they've provided us with HRT patches.
09:30Are you familiar with HRT patches?
09:32Yes.
09:32So you get this little patch and it's got estrogen.
09:35You put it on you.
09:36And then when someone comes up to you and they say some unnecessary shit or they look at you or,
09:41you know, they breathe.
09:45And then that patch goes, oh no, she needs estrogen.
09:47Give it to her now.
09:50Sometimes it's not enough and you have to rip it off and chew it a bit.
09:55But then we're at the nightmare where globally there was a HRT shortage last year where we could not get
10:03the patches.
10:04Only women my age and up knew how many times a day your life was in danger.
10:11I go to my doctor, I go, do we have patches yet?
10:14Is it back?
10:16And she go, no, but I do have Viagra.
10:22Wouldn't you take Viagra if Viagra couldn't tell the difference between a penis and a breast?
10:28Wouldn't you?
10:29If you go, you know what, I'm going out on Saturday.
10:31I don't want to wear a bra.
10:34And then you pop two Viagra's and both your tests are...
10:39Yeah, of course.
10:40Once you're over the age of 50, you walk into a room like you're in a zombie film.
10:57Morning, Detective.
11:00So, I hear you've got yourself a new partner.
11:02Yeah, some hot shot from the city.
11:04Detective Beats or something.
11:06The Detective Beggs?
11:08She brought down the media's cocktail.
11:10It says she's brilliant, but unconventional.
11:14Much like this case.
11:15That's the truth.
11:16Move, nutsack!
11:16Shit, sorry.
11:18You must be Detective Beats.
11:19And you must be in my way.
11:26I'm giving you batteries.
11:28My neck fan are melting over here.
11:29You're sweating.
11:30It's like three degrees Celsius.
11:32Yes, it's scorched today.
11:34Seased as a male.
11:35Thank Christ.
11:3632 years old.
11:37Time of death, 11.30pm last night.
11:39Looks to be death by a sharp object.
11:41Probably that axe.
11:46Well, well, well.
11:47The only thing sharper than this axe is you, Detective.
11:50Obvious.
11:50Must have been top of your class at police college, eh?
11:54Hmm.
11:55Washing's shoulder.
11:56That's weird.
11:59Typical.
11:59At this stage, motive remains unclear.
12:02Is it?
12:04You got a theory?
12:05Yeah.
12:06Maybe one or two.
12:06Maybe the victim was really fucking annoying.
12:10And just kept droning on and on and on.
12:13It's hardly a motive for murder.
12:15Oh, it is.
12:16It just doesn't make any sense.
12:17Look, I know it must be hard to multitask,
12:19what with breathing, blinking, and keeping your mouth shut.
12:21But there was clearly a struggle.
12:23And with another man.
12:24You can't know that.
12:25There's no DNA evidence.
12:26Oh, there's DNA evidence.
12:28Look at this.
12:28A whole pile of washing folded, but not packed away.
12:31Only a man would get this deep into a task and not complete.
12:34The towel on the door.
12:35This is not where it goes.
12:37It's supposed to be in the bathroom.
12:38Only a man would hang in here and go,
12:40this is helpful.
12:41My God.
12:43Do you smell that?
12:45Oh, yeah.
12:46Fresh skid marks, just as I suspected.
12:49Someone's had a poop and didn't use the brush.
12:51And then they just put the fan on and didn't spray.
12:54You need to spray.
12:54If you don't spray, you can literally taste the shit in this bathroom.
13:00Classic male behavior.
13:01Wow.
13:02Stop breathing.
13:04Can you hear that?
13:05Someone's breathing like a fog on.
13:07It's getting on my tits so bad.
13:10The killer's still here.
13:12They can't be.
13:12We searched the whole house.
13:13There's no one here.
13:14Yeah.
13:20There he is.
13:21Come and get him, boys.
13:22Let me guess.
13:24You had a bit of a man look.
13:28That was beautiful to watch.
13:30I bet you like to watch.
13:32Maybe.
13:33Want to go for a drink sometime?
13:35Me and you?
13:36Yeah.
13:37No, thanks.
13:39As soon as you asked me, my vagina just went...
13:47My God, she's good.
13:54Optimize your life.
13:56Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimize Your Life.
13:59Now, last episode, I was lucky enough to interview the author of The Let Them Theory.
14:04Incredible interview.
14:05Check it out if you haven't already.
14:06But that book has already sparked a new wave of self-help books, and my next guest is the
14:12latest to jump on that craze, Isila Carlson.
14:15Am I saying that right, Carlson?
14:16Yeah.
14:17Welcome to the show.
14:18Thank you so much for sharing space with me and giving us some of your wisdom.
14:23Can I just say that I think self-help books are bullshit?
14:27Sorry.
14:27You can just sit back from the mic.
14:29You can just sit naturally like that, and it picks it up.
14:30So, your book was inspired by The Let Them Theory, wasn't it?
14:34If by inspired, you mean hated every moment of it.
14:38Yeah.
14:38Wow.
14:39Okay.
14:39Can you speak to that?
14:41I'm saying The Let Them Theory is putting a bitch back by about 90 years.
14:47Because we've been training these junior bitches up, saying, hey, stand up for yourself.
14:53Now, this book goes, no, someone's mean to you, let them.
14:56Your kids are out of control, let them.
14:58At work, they're being suck asses, let them, let them, let them, let them.
15:03I'm not about that like.
15:04Wow.
15:05Fascinating.
15:06Fascinating.
15:06Now, tell us about your book.
15:07What is it called?
15:08My book is called Headbutt, a Motherfucker in the Mouth.
15:12Yeah.
15:13Okay.
15:13There is an evocative title, isn't it?
15:15And let is not in there.
15:17No, it's not.
15:18Wow.
15:18Can I have a little hold of that?
15:21There she is.
15:22Break down the theory for us.
15:24How does it work?
15:25Well, it's quite simple.
15:26You're out.
15:27You identify a mofo in the wild and you headbutt them right in their stupid mouth.
15:32So, give me some examples then of how I could implement the H-A-M-F-I-T-M theory
15:38in my day-to-day life.
15:39You're in a coffee shop.
15:41The person in front of you takes ages to order.
15:43There's a queue behind.
15:44Okay.
15:44So, now you've identified them as a mofo.
15:48Just pull your head right back and you headbutt them straight in their mouth.
15:52Wow.
15:52You know, it's provocative, but yet very simple.
15:56This must have taken you quite a long time to write.
15:58Yeah, a better part of three hours.
16:00Three hours.
16:01A day.
16:02I mean, that's it.
16:02No, no.
16:02Three hours.
16:03I mean, there's 182 pages of photos.
16:07So, there is.
16:09All the motherfuckers that I've headbutted in the mouth.
16:11Can we break down this moment here?
16:13Oh, that's Crystal.
16:14That's my neighbour Crystal and her dog Otto.
16:16Oh.
16:16I had to headbutt her in the mouth because she kept putting shitty nappies in my bin.
16:21And I think the thing that made me so angry is she doesn't have a kid.
16:25Now, Izala, I obviously didn't want to have to bring this up, but you will be aware, obviously,
16:30that the London-based writer Harriet Twipple has made claims that you have stolen her idea from her book,
16:37Flick a Bitch on the Tits.
16:39Do you want to respond to that?
16:41No, I don't.
16:42Because I clearly didn't.
16:43One is about flicking tits.
16:45So, it's not the same.
16:46Okay.
16:47So, you denied that you were inspired.
16:48You and Harriet can eat my arsehole.
16:51Well, I'm just starting to feel a lot of aggression coming my way, so I'm just going to wrap us
16:55up.
16:56It has been another fascinating episode of Optimize Your Life.
16:59Can I just have my book back?
17:01You can have your book back.
17:02Damn, I'm gone!
17:03Oh!
17:04Ow!
17:04Ow!
17:05F***!
17:07Ah!
17:07Ah!
17:08Ah!
17:09Optimize your life!
17:11Um, I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I'm single now.
17:15I know.
17:16I know.
17:17I know.
17:17I know some of you would have been following me for a while and going,
17:21I thought you was married.
17:23I was.
17:25But I found a way out.
17:29Turns out it's not a hostage situation.
17:32You can leave.
17:33It costs slightly more than the wedding, but f*** is it worth that.
17:39But you know what?
17:40Because we're lesbians, so we're still best friends, right?
17:43We actually still lived together for a few years, and then we finally got divorced, and I did repartner, but
17:48I had to break up with her.
17:51Because, you know what?
17:53Because, you know what?
17:53She's one of those people who like to shower together, and I don't like that.
17:59I don't like that at all.
18:01I'll tell you what, apart from the fact that you don't wash your arsehole the way you're supposed to when
18:05you're in the shower with someone.
18:07Well, you don't.
18:08You're in there with someone, you just take half a squirt of a shower, and that's it.
18:12When you're in there by yourself.
18:19You've got to wash that thing properly.
18:21It goes through a lot of s***.
18:24But also, I didn't want to be with her anymore because of the shower thing, because I've got a little
18:28corner shower, you know, one of those little triangular ones with the curved doors that when you open it, it
18:34only opens that wide.
18:35I need a run-up and a parade to get into that shower in the first place, and it's got
18:40a dome on it to keep the moisture in, because if you don't, I live in Auckland, you can hear
18:44your clothes moulding in the covers.
18:46I'm like, no.
18:48And I was there the day the guy put it in.
18:50It said shower for one person, so we're already breaking the rules with the two of us being in there,
18:57and it wouldn't be so bad, but she's one of those annoying adults who like to wash her feet, and
19:03you don't need to wash your feet.
19:05You're an adult.
19:06What, are you running barefoot through the paddock?
19:08You're fine.
19:09Just squirt a bit of shower gel on the one foot, and the other foot can do that and that.
19:14But no, she's up there lathering up her face cloth.
19:17Really?
19:18So how was your day?
19:20Oh, so you enjoy that?
19:22Guess what's happening with me while she's doing that?
19:27I'm plastered against that curved door, and because it's curved, the one tit is up here, and the other tit
19:34is down here, and my possum is trying to escape through the crack in the door.
20:07You know what's my biggest worry?
20:09With my finger on it, with my finger on it, in a church or something?
20:11Oh, you saucy mix.
20:12Tell you what, they say 49.
20:14I say 45.
20:17We are here today to warn the loss of Ursula Castle's cougar ears.
20:22What the hell?
20:23This looks like a terrible orgy.
20:25I've been coerced.
20:27Thanks.
20:28Like so many horny women before her, Ursula became a cougar on her 40th birthday when she entered her sexual
20:36prime.
20:37But today, on her 49th birthday, that cougar is officially deceased, and she's now just some invisible middle-aged lady
20:45taking up space in the post office machine.
20:49Let's hear from some loved ones.
20:52Hi, I'm Jill.
20:54I hooked up with Ursula last year.
20:56I'm really glad I got in just in time, right before she passed over to the other side of middle
21:02age.
21:04And I should have seen the signs, because right after we did it, she offered me a boiled sweet.
21:10I'm sorry, I can't.
21:11Because I was soothing on your throat.
21:14Hey, I don't think we need to listen to anyone else.
21:16I've always found Ursula very sexy.
21:19I know, okay, let's hear this one out.
21:21I'd see her walking down the street sometimes, and as much as I hate to see her go, I love
21:27to watch her leave, you know what I mean?
21:30Yeah.
21:31But now she's a 49-year-old crone.
21:34Now when I see her walking down the street, I just worry she's going to have a fall.
21:38You're not going to have a fall.
21:39I'm still spory as hell.
21:41Ah!
21:44Oh, I mean, fuck you, but thank you.
21:46Join us now as we farewell Ursula's sexy underwear.
21:53Hey, that one actually still fits.
21:55My favourite nipple rings.
21:57My mum left me those in her will.
21:59And now the ceremonial transition to more age-appropriate undergarments.
22:04Nominate patria, lingerie, septus.
22:07Alice is a parachute.
22:09Why do they already smell like potpourri?
22:11Hey, guys, 49, but I'm still hot.
22:16Hot flushes don't count.
22:18I'm a swinger.
22:19Yeah, a mood swinger.
22:20No, I'm still adventurous.
22:22Like eating dinner after 5pm.
22:24Hey, zip your slit.
22:26What I'm saying is I'm still a cougar, and I'll prove it.
22:29I will shag any one of you right now, right here, who wants some of it.
22:34Come on.
22:34Here.
22:35How about you?
22:36Hang out.
22:37How about you, Father?
22:38You want to...
22:38It must be lonely in that monastery.
22:41It's so sad, but I just won't let go.
22:44Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
22:46Herky boobs to saggy bust.
22:48We will remember her.
22:50Okay, so now that I turn 49, none of you want to do me anymore?
22:53Oh, no, no, honey.
22:56That's just the end of a cougar years.
22:58You've got a much more exciting era ahead of you.
23:01What's that?
23:02Welcome, Ursula Carlson, to your...
23:06GILF era.
23:08GILF, eh?
23:09Mm-hmm.
23:09And who are these?
23:12Granny chasers.
23:13I can work with that, ladies.
23:18Wow.
23:20Anyway, since we've started filming this, I just got some word that the LGBTQIA, we've
23:26added three letters in this 27 minutes and an exclamation mark.
23:32And the exclamation mark is just for people who are sick of everyone's shit.
23:36So if you identify as an exclamation mark, there we go.
23:39We've got a brand new member in the front here.
23:41We'll add you to the email group.
23:44You have been amazing.
23:45Good night.
23:48Honestly, you knew we were going to use your car, and this is what you're leaving.
23:53Imagine what you took out.
23:55Come and bring out.
23:57Hi, ladies.
23:58Welcome to the Karen.
24:00Have we started yet?
24:02Oh, yes.
24:02Oh, I was like, oh, my God.
24:04I'm like, why is everyone looking at us?
24:06I bet you like to watch.
24:09And give me that.
24:09My mouth's dry, then a dead dingo's tongue.
24:13I knew I couldn't do it.
24:14I didn't know I tried.
24:15Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimize Your Life.
24:18I'm not going to do it.
24:19I'm not going to do it.
24:20Please do it.
24:21Optimize your life.
24:22Three, two.
24:24Optimize your life.
24:28It's not me.
24:29It's Ursula.
24:30Break that moment down for me, the moment that you saw Crystal putting these nappies into your bin.
24:34I think the thing that made me so angry about Crystal is I know she doesn't have a baby.
24:38Where's the nappy, Ursula?
24:40Ursula.
24:40ась started in a birdsong.
24:44Bye.
24:44Bye.
24:47Bye.
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