- 3 weeks ago
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00:07Hey!
00:08In!
00:09The hell!
00:13I'm gonna punch your tits in!
00:15What?
00:16I'm gonna punch your tits in.
00:20Punch my tits in?
00:22That's not a good thread at all.
00:24What does that mean?
00:25Punch them in where?
00:26There's already a lot in.
00:28Like this whole bit is in.
00:30Maybe she means she'll punch them in even further?
00:34So they're poking through my back, is that it?
00:38That thread makes no sense.
00:40Are you not listening?
00:40I'm gonna punch your tits in.
00:41I need a thread that makes sense, like,
00:43I'm gonna smack you so hard you'll wear your snot like a scarf.
00:47That's good.
00:48Right?
00:49Snot like a scarf?
00:50You're picturing it!
00:51I'm sorry.
00:52I get it.
00:52I'm really sorry about that.
00:54Pick your shit up.
00:55I'm sorry.
00:55Thanks, mate.
00:56You have a good one.
01:12How are you?
01:15Listen, you know, I don't know a lot of stuff,
01:18and I know I don't like exercise,
01:19and then I've baked my last cupcake for school.
01:22Like, I would still recreationally bake a cupcake,
01:25but schools and fundraisers, by March this year,
01:29so the school starts in February.
01:30By March, we already had three bake sales at our school.
01:33I went to the principal.
01:34I said, sorry, what shit is this?
01:36What are we fundraising for?
01:38Why do we keep doing bake sales?
01:40And she goes, oh, we need a shade net for the playground.
01:43I said, and how much money are you hoping to make?
01:45She goes, $300.
01:46I go, I'll give the money right now.
01:49I said, I can go buy the shade net.
01:52I'll come back with a ladder.
01:54I've got to try.
01:54I'll just put it up.
01:56And she goes, no, we must work together.
02:00And it's not even the fundraising that I'm against.
02:04It's when you find out about those cupcakes.
02:07Now, I'll give my kids credit.
02:09Like, I normally, the night before,
02:11at about 11 o'clock,
02:13when I've been trying to put that little shithead in bed,
02:16so many times, I put them there,
02:17and they come, I'm thirsty.
02:19I'm hungry.
02:20I have made a lasagna at this stage.
02:22And this kid keeps getting out of bed,
02:24and by 11 o'clock,
02:25comes out with a piece of paper
02:27that's all tatty, and it's wet.
02:30It's always wet.
02:31Anything that comes out of their school bag is wet.
02:33This is the instructions for the cupcakes.
02:36Oh, you need 300 cupcakes by morning.
02:38This is fantastic.
02:39I don't even mind making the 300 cupcakes,
02:42but how do you transport 300 cupcakes?
02:44Because you can't stack them, can you?
02:46No.
02:46Now I'm looking for a tupperware
02:47that's 12 metres wide, 8 metres wide,
02:50and a car to transport that kind of shithead.
02:54You flip that pamphlet over and on the back,
02:56there's roughly 20 things that you're not allowed
02:58to put in the cupcakes.
03:00That's right,
03:01because these little shits are allergic to everything now.
03:04There are kids who are allergic to chocolate.
03:07Give up.
03:09That's it.
03:10Give up.
03:10There's no hope for you.
03:12And it's not these kids' fault
03:13that they have all these allergies.
03:15It's our fault.
03:16Do you remember when you were a kid,
03:18who had kids that went to school with them with allergies?
03:21Exactly.
03:22Do you know why?
03:23Because our parents knew how to fuck.
03:28They made decent human beings.
03:31It's our fault.
03:32We're making substandard people.
03:35None of these kids can eat nuts,
03:38because we've been eating so much crap,
03:40when we were kids,
03:41your fingers were always orange.
03:43Do you remember the chips we used to eat
03:44and then for three days,
03:45you just have orange hands?
03:47And now we all have fertility issues,
03:49so now we all have to go through IVF.
03:52That's why these kids are allergic to nuts,
03:53because they've never been near a pair.
04:02Nut-free, gluten-free, sugar-free.
04:05Yuck.
04:05This isn't sweet at all.
04:07I think you'll find it is sweet.
04:08Mm-mm.
04:09Sweet potato, that is.
04:11Mm.
04:11Okay.
04:12Sorry, do you have anything with, um,
04:15with real sugar in it?
04:16No.
04:16Sugar is poison.
04:18No nuts.
04:19No gluten.
04:19No sugar.
04:20Hmm.
04:21No taste.
04:24Hey, you want the real sugar treats?
04:26Come on.
04:27Cooks when cooking.
04:30Gluten-free and sugar-free.
04:35Welcome to the tuck shop.
04:37Oh, nice set up.
04:45I've been blackmailing the janitor with photos of him and the home ec teacher.
04:49So I got keys to the kingdom.
04:50Oh.
04:51Thank you, my friend.
04:52Hey, ladies, are we still running at full purity?
04:5595% sucrose, boss.
04:56Love to hear it.
04:57Love to hear it.
04:59That is good stuff.
04:59It's tight, mate.
05:00You know, in here, this is where we make the canteen food.
05:03Out there, they've got carrot sticks and quinoa slices.
05:06Up in here, you see, we've got the sours here.
05:09We've got some marshmallows.
05:10Full sugar popcorn.
05:11The snakes.
05:12Jelly beans.
05:13Rainbow strips, because we're pro-homosexual.
05:15We have caramel vanilla.
05:18Every flavour you can think of, we've got it in there.
05:20Yeah.
05:21This is incredible.
05:23Whoa!
05:24Hey.
05:24Hey, rookie.
05:25You want to go ahead and pace yourself here.
05:27This stuff is pure.
05:28That thing's going to hit you, and before you know it,
05:30you've got to be bouncing off the walls like you're at your year nine camp,
05:34getting finger banged for the first time.
05:36Hey, that happened in year eight.
05:37Hold on.
05:38Yeah.
05:39What are these?
05:44Do you inject these?
05:46No.
05:49Play a little tune on them.
06:01I know.
06:01I'm like the Pied Piper for sugar addicts.
06:04How'd you get those in?
06:05Actually, Lynne here brought 14 of these boxes over for us in her anal cavity.
06:10That tastes a bit gay.
06:11We can lick them a few times and they're all good.
06:13Oh, yeah, on the nose.
06:14Yeah, I can see a seed on that one, Lynne.
06:16She's a trooper.
06:17I do actually want to talk to you about something,
06:19because I can see a lot of myself in you,
06:21and I need someone to run the operation over at Boy Scout Hall,
06:25and I think that can be you.
06:27Tell me you can do it.
06:29Yeah.
06:30Yeah?
06:31You're keen?
06:31Yes!
06:32Yes!
06:33Yes!
06:36This is a raid.
06:37Nobody move.
06:39You sick me up!
06:40I didn't!
06:41You did!
06:42You sick me up!
06:43I did not!
06:47Lynne.
06:49What have you done?
06:50Oh, my name's not Lynne.
06:53It's Glenn.
06:56How could I have been so blind?
06:57Ninety-five percent sucrose, huh?
07:00Mind if I dip the tip?
07:03I wouldn't.
07:05Wow, is that chemicals?
07:07Yeah, it's real drugs.
07:09It was a mix-up at the port.
07:10That was disgusting.
07:12Oh, I've got to pick up Abigail from gymnastics.
07:14Get her out of here!
07:16Well, you're cooked, sweetie!
07:17You're on drugs now!
07:19I've got a whole brick in my asshole!
07:23But you shouldn't worry about your nipples.
07:24She's got great nipples.
07:26Oh, really?
07:26Yes!
07:27Play your cards right and you'll see.
07:29I'm being rude!
07:31That was fun!
07:33Yeah, so good!
07:34Yeah!
07:34More fun than sir!
07:35Here we are on the boat!
07:36Can't believe I'm going out with two women.
07:38It's always been a fantasy.
07:40We've always wanted a man around here.
07:42Question.
07:43If you two are into women, what do you need me for?
07:47There is a certain thing that a man can do that no woman can.
07:50You ready to work for us, big boy?
07:52Ladies, I'll do anything you want me to do.
07:55Amazing.
07:56Oh, come on.
07:59Open it.
08:00Yeah.
08:02Open it.
08:02Open it.
08:03Open it.
08:03Open it.
08:03Oh, yes!
08:06Oh, what about this one?
08:07Yes, that one.
08:08It was open, but now I can't get it open again.
08:11Ow!
08:12Jam.
08:13Is this S&M?
08:14It's pickles.
08:15Yeah!
08:16Pickled onion.
08:18I need a rest.
08:19Come on, you're doing a really good job.
08:21Oh, yeah!
08:21I told you!
08:22I knew that would get out.
08:25Orange marmalade.
08:26Orange marmalade.
08:27Open!
08:27Feel my nipples, but without touching.
08:33I'm exhausted.
08:35You're okay?
08:36Oh, ladies, please.
08:38Do we have some?
08:38We'll turn.
08:40I've had enough.
08:41I'm exhausted.
08:42I need a rest.
08:43This is the last one.
08:45Last one.
08:46Mm-hmm.
08:47Mm-hmm.
08:47This is it.
08:48This is the one.
08:49You can do it.
08:50One!
08:51Yes!
08:52Shoot that hot load!
08:54Come on, Dad!
08:55Come on, Dad!
09:00Yes!
09:01Oh!
09:02Incredible!
09:03Look at you!
09:04Oh, my God.
09:05Good job.
09:05Oh, look at this.
09:06Oh, my God.
09:07Was that good for you?
09:07No, it was really good.
09:09It was something.
09:10Loved it.
09:10Wait, pass the Pomodoro.
09:11Yeah.
09:12I'll make a rocket salad.
09:13Good.
09:13Yum.
09:14I can't believe how long that took him.
09:18Oh, look at the little guys all tuck it out.
09:20Oh, so cute.
09:21So cute.
09:22Oh.
09:23No, no, no.
09:24Leave it.
09:25He can take it out when he wakes up.
09:30Look, we're all here.
09:32We believe in science, right?
09:33Even if you're one of those people who do your own research, you're a scientist.
09:36Whatever.
09:37Fine.
09:37I do believe, though, that science sort of favors men's medicine a little bit stronger.
09:44Wouldn't you say?
09:45Yeah.
09:45Yeah.
09:46And men are too scared to answer.
09:47I respect that.
09:49Make some noise.
09:50If you're a woman who has been to the doctor with mastitis.
09:53Yeah.
09:55Mastitis, if you don't know, is a condition when you're breastfeeding.
09:58Your tits get so hard.
10:00Harder than dating in your 50s.
10:02They are hot.
10:03They are inflamed.
10:04It is so painful.
10:06You just walk around naked around the house like this.
10:08I don't know why your balls are sore too, but there you go.
10:12You remove all the curtains in the house just in case a breeze comes and touches that tit.
10:17It is so painful.
10:18And do you know what a doctor will tell you?
10:21A medical professional with a certificate on the wall will look.
10:24You straighten the eye and go, here, just pop some cabbage leaves on that.
10:31Sorry, what?
10:33You don't have leeches in a fridge here somewhere you can chuck on a tits so it can suck it
10:38out?
10:38No.
10:39I firmly believe that if mastitis were to happen to men's balls.
10:44Like if your balls got hot and inflamed and enlarged, right?
10:48A man will just walk out into the middle of town square and there will be some war cry like
10:57And all the townsfolk will convene.
11:00We'll all stand around this man and the Pope would come and do some seance on your balls and
11:06Bam!
11:07You're healed!
11:08Meanwhile, all the women are standing around smelling like a cabbage patch.
11:14Yeah, I see.
11:15Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Heterosexuale.
11:18How can I help you two cuties today?
11:22You go first.
11:23No, you go first.
11:24I actually haven't been feeling too good.
11:26I have a cough and lightheadedness and also chills.
11:32Sounds like you've got that really bad flu that's going around at that moment.
11:36I'm going to prescribe some antibiotics for you.
11:38Okay.
11:40And rest.
11:41That's the most important part here.
11:43Mm-hmm.
11:44No house chores for six months.
11:46Okay.
11:47Yeah, I can...
11:47Don't you crack now.
11:49I won't, Doctor.
11:50You're a life saver.
11:51Hi.
11:51Hi, sorry.
11:53I actually have the same symptoms.
11:55Headaches, chills and the works.
12:00Okay, well, shall we have a look at how we can cure you?
12:05What?
12:06Here we go.
12:07What is that?
12:09This is the latest in women's health research.
12:12Oh, you see here, you can boil cabbage leaves and put those on your tatars and that'll make them feel
12:18great.
12:19Oh, okay.
12:20All right.
12:23You can take used coffee grinds and just slowly shove it up your anal cavity.
12:29Okay.
12:30Maybe not that one.
12:31How about this one?
12:32You can shove a jade egg right up your...
12:34How's that going to help?
12:36Oh.
12:37Oh, I can see we're going to be fussy today.
12:39You're a bit of a fusspot.
12:41Maybe I should make you a special brew.
12:44A what?
12:44I've heard about this.
12:50Is that a witch's hat?
12:52It's a doctor's hat.
12:53That's respect.
12:54Fresh pot for the fusspot.
12:57Some rat tail.
13:00Feathers.
13:01I plucked this myself.
13:02That chicken never saw it coming.
13:04Old eyeballs!
13:06Yes!
13:07Old eyeballs!
13:09Have you got anything else?
13:10Maybe your titties are sore.
13:12You got sore titties.
13:13Maybe you got some anxiety.
13:14I've actually been getting anxiety when I go on planes.
13:18Have you?
13:19I have.
13:19Hey, I want you to know that's completely normal.
13:22It is?
13:23Yes.
13:23I'm going to give you the strongest valium that I can.
13:25It's just so good to be seen.
13:30Drink!
13:31No!
13:31Drink!
13:32No!
13:33I don't want this weird women's treatment.
13:35Just treat me like a normal patient.
13:38Okay.
13:39Well, from what I can see, carry a lot of extra weight.
13:44Mm.
13:44You want to lose some of that.
13:46Mm.
13:46It's going to make you feel lighter.
13:48Also, have you tried smiling?
13:50It's an attitude thing.
13:51Could you try it?
13:57Don't you feel better?
13:59I feel better.
14:06All right, husbands.
14:09Eyes front.
14:11Welcome to a lesbian's guide to being a husband.
14:15You know how they say you give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
14:19Love fish.
14:20But teach a man to lesbian and he'll be drowning in wife pussy for the rest of his days.
14:25Superhead!
14:27That's right!
14:28You're going to be in my room.
14:29Let me grab!
14:30Let me grab!
14:31That's weird.
14:33Okay.
14:34Lesson one.
14:35Attention to detail.
14:37Husband number one.
14:38I'm going to be your wife.
14:40And your dreams.
14:41And I'm wearing my straight lady cardigan.
14:43Oh, I'm feeling it now.
14:45I think I just broke a nail.
14:46Nail!
14:48He he he.
14:48I made Spanball again.
14:51He he he.
14:51What is wrong with my outfit?
14:53Oh, I know.
14:54There's nothing wrong.
14:56You look great, honey.
14:58Wrong.
14:59The tag was sticking out the whole time.
15:02Boys!
15:05Cannot let your wife walk around the mall with four exiles sticking out of a cardigan.
15:10That is a divorceable offence.
15:12Hey.
15:13Lesson two.
15:15Argue like a girl.
15:16Husband number two.
15:18I am your wife.
15:19I'm coming to you with a situation.
15:21You ready?
15:23Put the toilet seat down.
15:25How many times do I need to tell you that, Toby?
15:27I'm sick of your shit.
15:28Now, how are you going to win that argument?
15:31Honey, I just realised it's your period tomorrow and that is why you're upset.
15:37I'm going to give you full marks for courage.
15:40And double marks for stupidity.
15:42You play the period card, your marriage is over.
15:47Lesson three.
15:48How to make your woman scream but not in fear or disgust.
15:52Okay?
15:54Husband number three.
15:56Let's pretend I'm attracted to you.
16:00Try and seduce me.
16:04Hey.
16:05You want to get busy?
16:09Yeah.
16:10Now, who wants to tell me what he did wrong apart from everything?
16:14Wrong?
16:15Oh, I know.
16:16He undone his shirt buttons.
16:19He did?
16:20When he should have undone his pants.
16:22Yeah.
16:23Oh, yeah.
16:23Let the dick out.
16:25Can I just say straight women are extremely brave?
16:29Honestly, boys, you want to fold your wife over?
16:32I do.
16:32You've got to fold the towel.
16:34Boom.
16:35Boom.
16:36Boom.
16:37Done.
16:38You try it.
16:39What is this wizardry?
16:40Fold it.
16:41Okay, sorry.
16:41Sorry.
16:42Can I help you?
16:42I'm just here to pick up my husband.
16:43Darren, we're late.
16:45Wait, wait, wait.
16:46Why don't you show your wife what you learn?
16:47Yeah.
16:49You got it.
16:50Go on.
16:51Uh, do it.
16:54Hey, honey.
16:56Your tag is hanging out.
16:59Is it?
17:00No.
17:00No, it's not.
17:01Darren.
17:02Oh, you must be on your period.
17:05Behind the walls.
17:06Darren.
17:06Check this out.
17:13What am I supposed to do without Darren?
17:17I'm afraid Darren's a lost cause.
17:19What?
17:19I, however, am fully house trained.
17:22I've got a van out the front.
17:24Do you want to get out of here?
17:26Yeah.
17:26I do.
17:27Oh, wow.
17:28Say hi Darren.
17:33She's good.
17:37Do you know, when I was young I just assumed that drugs, rock and roll and wild sex would ruin
17:43my life.
17:43But, it wasn't that at all.
17:46It's TikTok.
17:47TikTok is busy ruining my life.
17:50Simple things that you think you know how to do.
17:53Like, how to get the avocado separated from its skin.
17:56It's easy.
17:57You cut it open, take a spoon, slop it on a plate and you're done.
18:00But no.
18:01On TikTok they do it different.
18:03They peel the outside off and then they cut it in half and they slice it and slice it and
18:08they put it on a board like crrrr.
18:10Have you seen that?
18:11It looks sexy.
18:13And I was like, I'm gonna do that.
18:16I didn't do that.
18:19Cause I go and I get my avocado and I get home and I peel it and then there's all
18:24these black dots all over it.
18:26And I was like, oh no, my avocado was diseased.
18:29But it was not diseased, was it?
18:32No.
18:33It's people in my community who would go and squeeze the shit out of that avocado.
18:38All those black dots are people in my community's fingers.
18:42It just drove me nuts.
18:43Like who would do that?
18:45Like why are you squeezing anything?
18:47You're not a farmer.
18:49This may come as no big surprise but I do have a therapist.
18:55I know, it's like when I meet someone who goes, I've never been to therapy.
18:58I go red flag, you're a red flag.
19:01But I think my therapist might be a red flag because she bought me for Christmas a reflective vest.
19:11She bought me this reflective vest because she says, oh you want to police what other people do with their
19:17lives.
19:17So here, while I'm away for seven weeks in Europe, why don't you wear your little reflective vest and go
19:23police what other people are doing.
19:24I'm like, listen, first of all, fuck you.
19:30Secondly, she's real cheap so I have to take some shit.
19:35I have to go see her so frequently, you've got to get a budget friendly one, you see.
19:40Secondly, I don't want to police what other people do.
19:44I don't.
19:44I want you to just be able to do your shit.
19:47Do your part.
19:49But you don't.
19:50So now I do have to police what you do.
20:02We've got one.
20:04Tomato section.
20:05Suspect is male.
20:06Quite tall.
20:09Extremely unattractive to me.
20:16Strike one.
20:30Strike two.
20:32That's terrible.
20:34Stand by.
20:35We're going to take the sucker down.
20:43Not too summing it.
20:47Come on mate, you're inside it.
20:49It's my good.
20:51Hold your fire.
20:53We need a clean put back before we can arrest them.
20:57We've got him!
20:58Move, move, move!
21:01What the hell?
21:02What are you doing?
21:03Owe, ow, ow, ow!
21:05I'm being attacked by the Dally Boys!
21:07Owe, ow!
21:08Get your toes away from my face sir!
21:11Come and get these Dally Boys off me!
21:13What are you doing?
21:15What are you doing?
21:16Oh you thought you could come in here in broad daylight and fondle fruit?
21:21My name is Ursula.
21:22Special Fruits Unit.
21:24We are charging you with fiddling in the third degree.
21:27It's not illegal to inspect fresh produce.
21:30Inspect you figured this one so much if it was a human being I wouldn't marry it
21:33I just want to find a ripe avocado
21:35Well, we all would love a ripe avocado, but now someone has to go home with your sloppy seconds
21:39You can't arrest me. You don't know what I can do
21:43What are you gonna do?
21:59Oh gosh, he's fingering the ice cream
22:02I feel sick. You watch grab his face. You're gonna watch this
22:11What is going on here?
22:17We found this jerk squishing produce. We've contained the problem. Don't thank me. You're welcome
22:23I wasn't going to thank you. You don't work here
22:26And I'm pretty upset by all this mess. Look at this mess
22:30Davos! Scatter!
22:32What dare you?
22:34Oh, the door's the other way.
22:35You might me
22:36You could definitely get her. I'm gonna have to reduce this now
22:41All right, well, that that is the episode can I just say a word of warning if you have a
22:48friend who recently had a baby
22:49Don't have cabbage salad at their house
22:53Also, as you exit the building, there's some cupcakes for sale in the foyer
22:57My kids' school has a fundraiser, so we need a new cover for the sandpit
23:03So if you guys can donate, that'll be excellent. Thank you. I made that myself. It is nut-free
23:09I didn't drop my nuts in the batter once
23:12Thank you so much for coming
23:17First listen
23:21Did it work?
23:24Hi, I can see a lot of myself in you, okay, and I need some
23:28I can see a lot of myself in you, and I need some
23:41Please be professional
23:43Oh, that actually did that
23:45Sorry
23:45I actually want to talk to you about something
23:49No, I've got it. I'll carry us
23:52You carry it
23:53I'll carry it
23:53I'm alone
23:55Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Sexuali
23:58Oh, that's heterosexuali
24:00Yeah, fuck that up
24:02You're trying to arrest me
24:03You don't know what I canna do
24:05What I canna do
24:07What I canna do
24:08What I canna do
24:08Do
24:08Sorry
24:09Who are you people?
24:10That's right
24:11Fucko
24:13Should we keep it?
24:14We've never had one
24:15No, I don't know what to do with that
24:17You have to walk it twice a day
24:19There's shit in the bathroom, on the floor
24:22Open it, you weakling
24:24Use your whole hand
24:26Oh my god, let me do it
24:28For fuck's sake
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