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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:58Transcription by CastingWords
01:29Transcription by CastingWords
01:30Oh God, I don't want to go back to work.
01:32You and Miles aren't going to have too much fun without me, are you?
01:34My maternity leave is going to be spent watching a window like Bravo, learning the choreography.
01:44I don't like that one bit.
01:50Strolls over.
01:56Are you sure that house is empty?
01:58Yeah, right.
03:05And the world's all right with me.
03:11Just one look at you.
03:15And I know we're gonna be.
03:18Shit, shit, shit.
03:20Wait!
03:22Wait!
03:26Stop! Stop!
03:28Don't leave me with these diapers!
03:34Hey, Dad.
03:36I forgot.
03:39Nice to see you.
03:41Back on Asheville Place.
03:45Why you don't...
03:46You don't remember me?
03:50Sorry.
03:51Never been good at remembering faces.
03:53Ah, it's alright.
03:54Yeah, I always liked this street.
03:56You hear the thing about cul-ca-sacs?
03:59There's only one way out!
04:03Have a great day, Robert.
04:06Okay.
04:08Bye now.
04:23You're okay?
04:25The things I do for you.
04:42Do you want me to stay?
04:44I can call Nina, tell her I need another week.
04:48What are we watching?
04:49How long has that house been empty?
04:5120 years.
04:52Give or take.
04:55You don't think that's weird?
04:56Not really.
04:57I'm sure they've got a good reason for hanging on to it.
04:59So there's a they.
04:59Who's the they?
05:00You know.
05:01Whoever owns it.
05:02Okay, shrug night.
05:04So you never thought about it?
05:06No, not really.
05:07Whatever.
05:08I know you gotta get to work.
05:09Naveen and I are catching the same train.
05:11The train pooling, he's calling it.
05:12But say the word, Nostia.
05:14No, no, no.
05:14Gotta rip the band-aid off some way, somehow.
05:16It'll be me, myself, and I.
05:18And Miles.
05:19Together, alone for the first time.
05:21No friends or family nearby, but that's why it's good.
05:24Yeah, because I'm...
05:25I'm not worried at all.
05:27You're giving me some very mixed signals here.
05:30I know.
05:31Get on the train.
05:32I love you so much.
05:33Mm-hmm.
05:33I love you too.
05:34I love you too, little man.
05:35And you can call me anytime, okay?
05:37I'm the guy who saved in your phone as White Bob with the black thumbs up emoji.
05:41And it'll never change.
05:44Try to get out of the house today.
05:55Can I help you?
05:59I'm sorry?
06:03Should he be listening to this?
06:06Well, he can't understand the words.
06:09Babies absorb these things.
06:12Right.
06:13Oh.
06:15Oh.
06:16Oh.
06:16Oh.
06:17You must be Rob Fisher's wife.
06:19Oh.
06:20I heard you were back here to live.
06:26Yeah.
06:26Well, this is fabulous.
06:28I was wondering when I was wondering when I would get to meet you.
06:31I don't get out much.
06:33I'm Lynn Gardner.
06:35I'm Samira and that's Miles.
06:37Aw.
06:38He looks just like his mama.
06:41Samira.
06:42Such a pretty name.
06:44Is it African?
06:46Yes.
06:47Fascinating.
06:48I just live catty corner if you ever need anything.
06:52And you must come to wine night.
06:54It's just a bunch of friendly neighbors dabbing and guzzling on my porch and they are dying to meet you.
07:01I'm breastfeeding, unfortunately.
07:03Oh.
07:04Pump and dump, my darling.
07:07Welcome to Ashfield Place.
07:18Hey.
07:19Hey.
07:20I got a very important question for my big sis.
07:23Mariah.
07:24Whitney.
07:26Janet.
07:27Or Beyonce.
07:28When you gotta go?
07:29I'm not about to fight with you today.
07:31Well, that's not a fight.
07:31I miss you.
07:33How's my apartment?
07:34Well, if you're referring to the artist currently known as my new apartment,
07:38it's divine.
07:39Look, girl, your taste is impeccable, okay?
07:42And these views?
07:43Exquisite.
07:43How's my nephew?
07:44Cute as hell.
07:46Aw.
07:47Yes, he is.
07:48Because we're twins.
07:50And see, that's why you go off FaceTime.
07:53And how is Hinky Mountain?
07:55Hinkley Hills is Caucasian.
07:58That's the burbs, babes.
07:59Am I a bad mom for bringing my melanated son out here?
08:03I don't know.
08:04Are you a bad mother for accepting a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood
08:07where there's practically no crime?
08:09Really nice schools?
08:10I mean, make it make sense.
08:11I just feel so isolated.
08:14I mean, every day is the same thing.
08:16I don't know what I'm doing.
08:17And I don't have anybody to teach me how.
08:19Well, you know she's looking after you.
08:21That's what daddy say, but you can't teach somebody how to swallow a baby from heaven.
08:25Amen to that.
08:26How am I gonna get through maternity leave?
08:29I mean, I thrive in collaborative environments.
08:32I need structure and tangible goals.
08:36Bitch, I don't speak resume.
08:38I speak housewife.
08:39This is what you do.
08:40Pick up a little day drinking habit.
08:41Maybe a little pill habit or something.
08:43Something cute.
08:44Yeah.
08:44Hard to do when you got a tit gremlin.
08:46Yeah, you could have kept that one.
08:48Well, baby, you just need some friends.
08:50Have friends?
08:51I mean, in a 10-mile radius.
08:53None of your neighbors ain't no potential there?
08:55Uh, no.
08:56It's a who's who of who's not it.
08:58These people are crazy.
09:00Well, I'm just spitballing, boo.
09:01I know.
09:02I know, and I appreciate you.
09:03And I love you.
09:04And I'm gonna come and visit you soon.
09:06Okay?
09:08And I know you would have chopped Mariah.
09:09I don't know her.
09:11Love you.
09:12Bye.
09:15Naveen?
09:20Look at us.
09:21Train buddies.
09:23Commute comrades.
09:25Megan filed for divorce.
09:26What?
09:27She was waiting for me when I got home yesterday.
09:30Suitcases at the bottom of the stairs.
09:31Like, out of a bad movie.
09:34Shit.
09:35Said she's been unhappy for a long time
09:36and wants to start over while she still has her youth.
09:39Said she can't stand another day of my moodiness.
09:41I'm not even...
09:45I'm not even that moody wrong.
09:49She's fucking our dentist.
09:52Dr. James.
09:53The only one who takes my insurance.
09:55So that's fucking great.
09:57I should have known.
09:58June's getting way too much dental work done
09:59for someone who has perfect teeth.
10:01She does have great teeth.
10:03Right?
10:03Two cleanings in a week.
10:05She said she needed to get a filling.
10:06Oh.
10:07Fuck.
10:09Remember what you said at my bachelor party?
10:11No.
10:12I was drunken on three different classes of drugs.
10:14We were in Miami.
10:15My jaw was in Texas.
10:16You grabbed my face.
10:18And you said,
10:19Never trust a Megan.
10:22Nostradamus, motherfucker.
10:23I should have listened.
10:24I'm sorry, mate.
10:26Anyway, let's talk about you.
10:28Enough about me.
10:29How's the little man?
10:30Oh, God.
10:31He's the best.
10:32Perfect.
10:33I mean, he doesn't sleep.
10:34And he shits like a trucker.
10:36But...
10:37Wouldn't change it for the world.
10:38Nice.
10:39And Samira?
10:42She keeps asking questions
10:44while the house crossed the street.
10:47Really?
10:48Yeah.
10:53What'd you tell her?
10:55What is there to tell?
11:15What is there to tell?
11:33you know what you are absolutely right
11:42i attempted to leave the house today during daylight hours yes and i meant lynn and she's
11:50exactly as you might have described nosy and extremely abstract sense of personal space
11:54yeah that's it and um she invited me for drinks with the neighbors she did you should go a little
12:02man and i can get some qt i think i might i want to see who i'll compete at
12:1020 years huh so you you must have known them who the grants ah why so you did know them
12:17you're doing
12:17that thing what thing that thing you do when you get a little obsessed it's the lawyer in you you
12:23lock
12:23in remember your ramen conspiracy i know it wasn't ideal to get banned from the local bodega but i
12:29still stand by my theory that they were running drugs with the instant noodle cups it was right
12:33there i mean you were 100 onto something i mean they didn't even have a bodega cat what kind of
12:37bodega doesn't have a bodega cat babe i'm not being obsessed okay just humor me so tell me what you
12:43know about the creepy house family they lived across the street from us does anyone ever really
12:51know their neighbors yes i knew my neighbors first and last name we was all up in each other's business
12:55you did okay oh by the way speaking of being all up in each other's business megan left naveen
13:00so i guess i owe you 10 bucks you always call it also even worse chugging the dentist what yes
13:08oh my gosh
13:09never trust megan that's what i said too that's right allegedly babe please never leave me
13:18where am i gonna go oh yeah you're trapped now love you honey love you too and if a cheater
13:26won't be
13:27the dentist thanks babe that means a lot somebody we don't know wow
13:39the next time that beast uses my lawn as its personal port-a-potty i am gonna get out my
13:45glue gun
13:46well break out the crayons and color me thrilled it's samarov so close come come come sit sit sit uh
13:56oh
13:56this is rob fisher's wife oh from across the street dana richards is the name it's very nice to
14:02finally make your acquaintance likewise samira samira oh i'm so bad with names we haven't seen you
14:10around before we were starting to think that rob made you up no no i'm real just a new reclusive
14:16mom
14:16with leaking nipples now dana is a retired marine oh very distinguished lots of medals wow
14:27also i'm a real handy andy i have noticed not to be nosy but uh you have some spots on
14:32your fence
14:33that are pretty effed up and i could fix those for you i'm here for it because the only screwdriver
14:38i'm familiar with contains vodka and here's todd hi hi todd is a man of few syllables i don't think
14:48i've seen you around here before you've been keeping tabs on us through the window jimmy stewart
14:55which one of us is the murderer
15:00your face
15:03i'm sorry it's okay we all know that suburbia is a spectator sport you you have not seen me my
15:10home shares no sight lines with yours and i keep out ours what do you do this and that
15:19what do you and rob do i'm a civil litigation attorney hello ceo i don't know what that is
15:25but good for you yeah rob is a book editor oh how'd you meet him a kate renata concert actually
15:32kate
15:32renata i'm going to look her up let me know what you find rob seems like he's romantic he is
15:39so how
15:41long have you guys lived here well for me just a couple years i wanted something with nature but
15:46my wife's idea of outdoorsyness is like a restaurant with a patio so this was our compromise
15:53and then she got deployed she's in military too cannot confirm or deny honestly despite what two
16:02decades of daytime television tell you there are a lot of people that don't care for middle-aged
16:06lesbians but i felt welcome for the most part i've been here eight months and ten days that's
16:14precise she's been here for freaking ever not as long as some marty and i moved here 15 years ago
16:21marty i can't wait to meet him um unfortunately he passed oh lynn i'm so sorry i thank you heart
16:29attack it's been almost half a year but i still feel his presence every day
16:39anyway these wine nights really help it's it's a bit like family that's right when you have neighbors
16:46you're never alone even when you want to be how'd you city kids end up here oh well rob's parents
16:53i'm
16:53sure you guys know they uh retired to one of those timeshare cruise ships last month that's a choice
16:58not mine but a choice well they had been asking us to come out here we didn't want to leave
17:03the city
17:03but our building got broken into we just felt like maybe we should we should try it out at least
17:09temporarily well thank goodness you're safe and sound here with us so what's the deal with that victorian
17:18house chainsaw massacre satanic cult jilted bride who severed the head of her lost unfaithful lover
17:28haunted as shit the lights go on and off all the time by themselves i've seen that it could just
17:34be filthy wiring a skeptic i like it when you're the resident historian catch her up well it was a
17:41little before my time a family lived there the grants yes and they had a daughter who died in the
17:50house
17:51there have been whispers of mysterious circumstances surrounding her passing maybe even murder and then
18:00the parents moved away and never sold the house so it just sits there rotting pissing off the hoa
18:11god i would give my left tent to go over there and do a little ghost hunt hi everyone it's
18:18cookie time
18:18it's like she just knows when my sugar drops rory likes to prey on vulnerable shard sippers business
18:25is much more lucrative in this neighborhood than in mine the usual and keep the change honey hey i
18:31saw a stroller at your door i am a great mother's helper if that's something that might interest you
18:35how old are you 13 next month i have my cpr certification and badges in child development
18:40early literacy and swaddling swaddling okay sunflower scouts my business card feel free to reach out anytime
19:16you're a notary public
19:27you'd really like this podcast it's two guys talking about medieval construction
19:31technology you are so boring you're so hot when you cook thanks babe how are the neighbors uh good a
19:38bit
19:38weird yeah well this is a cul-de-sac what's wrong with cul-de-sacs people are weird i think
19:43people
19:44are waiting cul-de-sacs wait is it cul-de-sac like attorneys general this is given get out yeah
19:50i hear
19:50you look when my family first moved here some people didn't know how to feel about us but it's a
19:57nice
19:57area and people like to think of themselves as nice so they try to act nice until they're actually nice
20:05nice nice don't get me wrong i was still a sad little kid until i found my people by his
20:10people
20:10he means an awkward gangly tween with a funny accent that had just been dragged across the pond for his
20:15dad's new job funny accent what are you talking about dude your accent pulled still pulls if we're
20:20being honest you know the girls called him prince rob i didn't think that's true it's so true did you
20:26know the victorians for sale
20:30really i'm assuming that's what the for sale sign means yeah that would indicate that so why
20:36didn't you tell me somebody was murdered there
20:40what are you talking about the grand girl
20:44yeah right allison wasn't murdered that's just small town gossip
20:47allison
20:50so what happened to allison
20:54i honestly like it was so long ago that i i don't remember a lot from that but you did
20:59know her
21:01uh yeah but in the same way that anybody knows a neighbor why wouldn't you tell me that because
21:08i didn't think it was relevant babe it was like 20 years ago there's a reason they call
21:12hinkley hills the safest town in america okay well is there anything else you want to tell me about this
21:19place
21:20oh
21:30completed in 1902 hinkley house was built by hinkley hills founder h horace hinkley
21:37the mining magnet and philanthropist purchased 25 000 acres of hillside forest in 1898
21:43and developed it into the thriving suburb that bears his name
21:47today hinkley hills is more than just an idyllic bedroom community it is a shining example of
21:55fellowship and family values hinkley hills the safest town in america
22:29here we go
22:37hello how may i help you do you have a periodical section collections of old newspapers microfiche maybe
22:43i'm doing okay thank you for asking oh i'm sorry i am a new mom and i'm practically feral
22:50i understand
22:52oh what a cute little mocha munchkin
22:57to answer your question yes we have bound copies of all the hinkley hills heralds dating back to 1946
23:04is there a particular date you're interested in march 15 2005
23:11one moment please
23:12one moment please
23:30i'm afraid that march volume has been checked out really it's due back in a week you can come back
23:35for
23:36and remember it then it's a date judy
23:39one moment please
23:59bill you missed the spot dear
24:15oh
24:16oh
24:16shit she about to do it
24:19it's not even her house what's she feeding that doll
24:27she's gonna be mad when she gets cussed out
24:29it's folks
24:37you are not gonna believe this
24:42oh my gosh
24:44i know
24:45so are we gonna go in do white ladies love salads hell yeah we're going in
24:50brb i'm gonna go get land rob honey if you were awake i would have asked what you thought but
24:54oh
24:54oh well
25:03i just got a chill
25:06anybody else get a chill
25:12i'll do it
25:13i was gonna offer but it seems like you already offered
25:18it's
25:19oh it's stuck
25:20oh well
25:26oh
25:30oh
25:42everybody be cool
25:44I could not be less cool right now.
25:49This place looks like a museum.
25:52Or a mausoleum.
25:55That's why the lights are on.
25:57You're staging the house.
26:00Hiya, homebuyers. How can I help you?
26:02We are looking for an enormous house.
26:05For our niece.
26:08We would love a tour.
26:12Follow me.
26:13The owners have instructed that interior photography is not permitted.
26:19This is the library.
26:21Very tasteful. We enjoy literacy.
26:24All of the flooring is original to the house, which is built in the Queen Anne style.
26:29As you can imagine, a little love and a professional sander will go a long way.
26:35Oh, feel free to show yourselves around. Excuse me.
26:38Hello there. Welcome.
26:40They discriminate against older female buyers.
26:42This always happens.
26:43Oh, please.
26:44Our niece.
26:45You're a really bad liar.
26:46Well, I had to get him to take the bait or he might have thrown us out.
26:50Well, it's an open house, so by definition...
26:52I'm going to peek around.
26:53Boy, what's going to do?
26:54Let's try it.
27:00Don't open.
27:03Talbot from Old Exceptional Quinterño.
27:06Stay tuned.
27:07Maybe it is not done.
27:08Let's see it.
27:08All right.
27:09Goodbye.
27:10Bye.
27:14Bye.
27:14Bye.
27:17Bye.
27:27This is the ugliest kitchen I've ever seen.
27:40Oh, no.
27:52When did you get here?
27:56Okay.
28:01Oh, no.
28:37That's creepy.
28:47Oh, absolutely not.
28:51Everything okay, ma'am?
28:53Yes, I'm good.
28:55Great house.
28:56Beautiful house.
29:13Can you believe it?
29:15After 20 years...
29:16End of an era.
29:17So, any intel on our new neighbors-to-be?
29:21It was an all-cash deal.
29:23Quick escrow, too.
29:24They must have really wanted it.
29:26He.
29:27Just he.
29:28Go on.
29:29I'm a doctor.
29:31How'd you find that out?
29:32I have my ways.
29:33He installed a security system, which, in my expert opinion, is overkill for a private residence.
29:39You'd only need a security system that robust if you are in danger or you have something to hide.
29:46Or both.
29:47I've never heard you say so many words at once.
29:49Well, I wish him luck with the Munster mansion, and I hope he has a good contractor and a good
29:56exorcist.
29:57I've never heard you say so many words at once.
30:28What time is it?
30:292 a.m.
30:32Something's not right out there.
30:34Okay, that is so weird.
30:40Is that...
30:42No.
30:51Oh!
30:56Yeah.
30:57Uh-uh.
30:58That was about the new neighbor.
30:59But I'm sad and starving.
31:01Too bad.
31:01I'm being nice.
31:02Isn't this the kind of place where the neighbors act nice until they are nice?
31:06I did say that.
31:07Yes, you did.
31:08Your mother's up to something.
31:10What?
31:10I just want to know what his deal is, don't you?
31:12Maybe he doesn't have a deal.
31:14A guy moves into a dilapidated haunted house at 2 a.m.?
31:17Come on.
31:18He definitely has a deal.
31:20That is weird, weird.
31:22When did you pick that up?
31:23Ninja.
31:25Ninja.
31:26Ninja.
31:27Ninja.
31:30Ninja.
31:37Ninja.
31:39Ninja.
31:42Ninja.
31:43Ninja.
31:44Ninja.
31:45Ninja.
31:46Ninja.
31:47Ninja.
31:48Ninja.
31:48Ninja.
31:49Ninja.
31:49Ninja.
31:52Ninja.
31:53Ninja.
32:24I got him. Five minutes on the left boob and he was out like a liar.
32:27That's great, babe.
32:28Great. It's a miracle.
32:30Okay, if he can go to sleep when it's dark outside in a stationary position, that is a game changer.
32:34A life-affirming moment.
32:37What are you looking at?
32:39Your brownies are still there.
32:43Wait, really?
32:44Why won't he eat the goddamn brownies?
32:47Maybe he doesn't fuck with gluten?
32:49Then throw him out and give us the plate back. That's a good plate.
32:52It doesn't make sense. Everyone likes brownies.
32:54They're the Beyoncé of dessert.
32:56And if they don't, they're just being contrary.
32:59Jinx? Maybe you just didn't see you put in there.
33:01The camera was on, on.
33:04Sorry. I just love it when you get all lawyer-y.
33:07Order in the court.
33:07Oh, counsel, please approach the bench.
33:09I object.
33:10Is there anything else you've noticed?
33:12Curtains opening and closing?
33:14Could he be watching us?
33:15Definitely could be.
33:17I think we better.
33:23He always knows.
33:24No.
33:25I got too cocky.
33:26I flew too close to the sun and now he's punishing me like a tiny, vengeful god.
33:31It's all right.
33:32I'm gonna go drive him around.
33:33Okay.
33:37I'm coming. I'm coming.
33:45I'm coming.
33:47Love you.
33:48Love you.
33:49Get some rest, babe.
33:50Come on.
33:53Hmm.
34:01Fuck it.
34:06Reclaiming my plate.
34:09What's he think he is?
34:11Not eating my brownies.
34:12I love my brownies.
34:13I eat them to himself.
34:18Mm-hmm.
34:30Mm-hmm.
34:42He can keep the damn place.
34:59Oh, shit.
35:09Oh, shit.
35:14Oh, shit.
35:31is everything all right hands where i can see him what's happening we got a call about a
35:36trespasser at the old grant house guess who matches the description hey what the hell is
35:43going on new owners said they saw a black person skulking around the property this is a big
35:48misunderstanding is it because apparently it happened twice i was just dropping off brownies
35:52this is my wife and our house where we live with our son fuck off
36:00robert fisher danny daniels from high school i heard you moved back
36:09baby it's okay sorry man you know we got to take the call this is nuts ah consider this drop
36:17my good
36:17man oh yeah don't worry about it they all kind of look like that at that age robert fisher
36:28as i live and breathe you folks have a great evening thank you
36:36did you just thank the cops oh shit but what is wrong with me sorry babe
36:47we can't live across the street from someone like that
36:50what would have happened if i hadn't gotten there when i did
37:00what's up man this is some bullshit that freak narc will rue the day he stepped foot in hinkley hills
37:05huh yeah just used rue the day in a sentence you're welcome
37:12todd told me what happened i heard it on the police scanner
37:16what the hell what do you need babe you need some wine how about some ice cream
37:22you want a hit man i know people i'm people say the word okay we can hold on the ladder
37:27but
37:28i could use some wine yeah that's the cure all for all even racial profiling we share your rage
37:35he will not last long here spoken like a true hater i love this energy my dude oh there's the
37:41sommelier now oh rob this is lunacy of outrageous proportions and we won't stand for it should i get
37:49some glasses yes i got it please make yourself yeah shove over i think we should all sleep here
37:57tonight safety in numbers hunker down someone should always be on watch right like in the marines i will
38:02be out front good the entire time okay a lot of coffee so i'll stay up all night sleep out
38:09there like
38:10todd um we gotta like stick together right now and form an alliance right i'm a lone wolf united front
38:17i got
38:18some big-ass flashlights i'm gonna bring over about do you have stuff that you brought home from the
38:22marines a lot of stuff in the garage you just have to remember the password for that case are those
38:43fireflies yeah i always wanted to see fireflies growing up but you can't see them in the city
38:52it's like spotting a fairy in the wild
38:59it's not fair i was just starting to feel at home here there's space and the community
39:12i damn sure don't want to drag no stroll up four flights of stairs
39:24i think we should stay
39:28i want miles to have fireflies and our family's not going to be run out by some racist brownie hating
39:34prick
39:39we're during this hell yeah we're doing this
39:54coming in in a minute
39:59i want to smell this sweet suburban hair
40:31i want to smell this sweet suburban hair
40:34oh shit
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