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00:03Well, well, well, here you are again, Chris Spencer,
00:06writing for someone else.
00:09When are you gonna do your own special?
00:11Or are you scared?
00:15Mr. Director, give me my theme music.
00:18He ain't done a special in a while
00:22But he ain't been complacent
00:27Been makin' the whole world laugh
00:31Just a livin' go to Jason
00:34Right next to me
00:37Remember Real Husbands?
00:39Yeah, that was a massive hit
00:41Whenever funnies needed, the kings of Kambi agreed Chris is the shit
00:46Ask the man in black
00:47Everyone may find some extra day
00:51Leave a mic and Chris knows he really rocks
00:56I know that pill
01:00Good evening!
01:05Thank you, L.A.
01:08What's up, y'all?
01:11My family is Jamaican. Any Jamaican people here?
01:14Anybody from the Caribbean?
01:15Two, three.
01:17That's great. My brother and sister clap. That's it.
01:19I'm realizing that my dad is an old, dirty Jamaican.
01:25Like, I've noticed the older my father has gotten, the dirtier he's gotten
01:29Like, when he comes over to hug my wife
01:31I'm like, yo, yo, yo
01:34You hugged my wife too long
01:36People are like, how you doing, love? How is everything?
01:38You good? You good?
01:40Good, how is it?
01:41I say, yo, are you smelling my wife's hair?
01:44Joe Biden. Back up for my wife. Joe Biden. Back up.
01:48And he's always talking to women half his age
01:52I'm like, she don't want you
01:54And he talks to them rude
01:55Like, he's from that generation where, you know
01:57You don't get in trouble for saying stuff
01:58And he's from Jamaica, right?
02:01And so they say stuff that they can get away with
02:03That we can't get away with out here
02:05Like, one time, there was a pregnant lady
02:07He said, how you doing?
02:08She was like, fine. He said, how many months pregnant are you?
02:12She was like six
02:13He said, let me know when you're ready to have another
02:17I laughed, I was like, ha, ha, ha
02:18And then I saw my wife like this
02:22I turned into Will Smith and Jade
02:23I was like, ha, ha, hey, hey, hey
02:27Can't be doing that right, baby
02:29This guy's crazy
02:34Sexy
02:34Be looking at girls, winking
02:35I'm like, yo, man, stop
02:38Stop
02:38I said, where does this come from?
02:40And he couldn't answer
02:41Then I found out
02:42I took him to Jamaica
02:44Right?
02:44Had a little golf tournament out there
02:46We get to the hotel
02:46He sees this lady
02:48They start talking to each other
02:50In Jamaica, you say some shit to a woman
02:53She'll say some shit rougher than what you said
02:57So we're walking to the hotel
02:58She's like, you wanna come in my room?
03:00She goes, my room is bigger
03:06What's going on?
03:08He said, listen, if you come to my room tonight
03:10I will lick you all night
03:12She's like, mine who wanna lick all night must have a dick like so
03:15I was like, what is...
03:20What in the Petra is going on?
03:29So nasty
03:30He asked me
03:30Are you ready for this?
03:32He asked me
03:32To take him to a massage spot
03:35I was like, oh, Burke Williams is shoulder to your neck
03:37He's like, nah, I'm mine
03:41The Chinese play is there, son
03:44I said, I ain't taking you there
03:46You know what he said to me?
03:46No, you don't have to be in the room
03:47I go, really?
03:52Thank you
03:55So, I don't know if you guys know this
03:56But Jamaicans or Caribbean people point with their lips
03:59Right?
04:02So whenever I'm in the car with him
04:03He's like, yo, there's a place over there
04:04I go, where?
04:05He says, you know
04:11Jamaicans give you nicknames whether you like it or not
04:14Right?
04:15Your name would be Pretty Jacket
04:18Right?
04:19Spanish girl
04:21The funniest one
04:22He used to be a little girl
04:22He used to ride her bike in my neighborhood
04:23My dad would go, champion rider!
04:27Ride the bike, little girl
04:28Ride it, ride it!
04:29I go, who you talking about?
04:30Sierra?
04:34So, looking at my dad
04:36I don't want to say deteriorate
04:38Because he is different
04:39Right?
04:39He used to be 6'4", 240
04:41Now he's like 5'8", 130
04:43Right?
04:45He still thinks he's sexy
04:46Right?
04:46He'd be talking to him
04:47Come here, let me ask you something
04:48I said, Daddy, how old are you?
04:49He's like, 83
04:50How old do I look?
04:52I said, 84
04:52Okay?
04:53Stop talking to these women
04:57But he's very healthy
04:58He's doing great
05:00Cause you know why?
05:01He always kinda ate halfway healthy
05:02But he always went to the doctor
05:04And checked on himself
05:05So I make sure I always go to the doctor
05:07And check on myself
05:07Which is weird now
05:09Because there was a time
05:09When I would go to the doctor
05:10And they'd give you the little chart to fill out
05:12And I'd be like
05:13I ain't got none of this
05:13I ain't got none of this
05:16That's over
05:19Damn
05:20Arthritis?
05:21Yeah
05:22Backache?
05:23Shit
05:24Psoriasis?
05:27Herpes?
05:27Wait a minute
05:30So I went to the doctor the other day
05:32To get my, uh
05:33I thought I was just getting a regular checkup, right?
05:35And the doctor was
05:36He started putting the gloves on
05:37I go, what are you doing?
05:40He goes, I gotta check your prostate
05:41Uh, what?
05:42I gotta check your prostate
05:43He's putting the gloves on
05:44He's putting the...
05:45He's in the shit
05:45I said, yo, yo, first of all
05:46Why?
05:47Why are you still doing that?
05:48Like, you ain't got no app?
05:52I'm like, listen
05:52For a woman
05:53If you wanna see the, uh
05:55The gender of the child
05:56You can use a sonogram
05:57You just can't rub...
06:00He said, come on man
06:01Just bend over
06:02I said, hey, don't talk to me like that
06:03Okay?
06:04You can't just say bend over
06:06Alright?
06:07You asked me nicely
06:09So, I've done it before
06:11Right?
06:11And it was quick
06:12It was boop boop, that's it
06:13Boop boop, that's it
06:14This time
06:15He was in my ass a little too long for me
06:18He was like, uh
06:21Uh
06:24I was like, uh
06:27What are you looking for exactly?
06:31Uh
06:36I was like, yo
06:37You know what he said to me?
06:38Shhh
06:42Did you shush me?
06:46And why is Luther Vandross playing?
06:48Like, this ain't a date, okay?
06:50Just cause you lift up my dress
06:51And finger bang me
06:52Don't mean
06:53I'm married, sir
06:58Men over 50, clap
07:01Sorry?
07:02Did you get your prostate check?
07:02Yeah?
07:03No?
07:03Some of y'all don't get your prostate check
07:05I've talked to friends, y'all
07:07And I ain't doing that gay shit
07:08That's not gay
07:09If you're worried about that making you gay
07:11That means you're gay
07:16That's not how it works
07:17That's not how it works
07:17Wait a minute
07:24Damn it
07:27Listen, getting your prostate checked to see if you have cancer is not gay
07:31That's gay
07:32Now while he's doing it and you bite your bottom lip
07:34That's gay
07:37That's gay
07:41If you ask him to walk you to the car, that might be
07:46You come back the next day with flowers like, Dr. Feinstein here
07:51No, I think he forgot something
07:53Cause I have a little
07:54There's a
07:55I tore my ACL
07:57And I don't know if he
08:04I gotta, uh
08:06Listen to this
08:07Tell me if I'm wrong
08:08Cause I feel
08:09Wrong but not really
08:11So I have a roommate from college
08:12Right?
08:12He was married for 28 years
08:14Has three kids
08:16They're grown
08:16He's getting a divorce
08:18He got divorced
08:18And now he told me he's coming out the closet
08:21I was like, oh, okay
08:22I said, well, let me ask you something
08:23Cause when we were roommates
08:24Did you ever have guys over?
08:26He's like, no
08:26I said, what about high school?
08:27You ever mess around with a guy?
08:28He's like, no, this is gonna be my first time
08:30I said, how old are you?
08:33He said, 56
08:34I said, it's too late
08:38He said, what are you talking about?
08:39I said, you can't just take a fresh dick at 56
08:41What are you talking about?
08:44I said, you will die
08:45You understand?
08:47You ain't loosened up nothing here
08:49You know?
08:51I said, look, here's the problem
08:53Alright, I don't mean to be rude
08:54But like, when a
08:55I know when a heterosexual man gets divorced
08:57He's gonna date some young girls
08:59You know what I mean?
08:59He's not gonna date somebody his age
09:01So that means you're gonna do the same thing
09:02You're gonna find some little young, buff, like dude, muscular
09:06Like them little Africans that Jessie Smollett had set up
09:10You allegedly, allegedly set up
09:15I said, yo, you can't handle that
09:19They will break your spleen, are you kidding me?
09:22He said, first of all, what makes you think I'm gonna be a bottom bitch?
09:25I said, by the way, you said that
09:28So, what you might wanna do
09:31So, uh, I had to get ready for the special
09:33So I lost some weight, right?
09:34Um, I knew I had to lose the weight
09:38But I was trying to figure out why my wife won't do it to me
09:40And then I saw myself naked in the mirror
09:41I was like, ah, there it is
09:44Right there
09:45I am built like a drug lord
09:46Look at this
09:51I look like Pablo ice cream bar, okay?
09:53So I need
09:54To fix this
09:56I wasn't in bad shape
09:57I was built like the celebrity's brother
10:02Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about
10:04You ever see the celebrity on the red car?
10:06If the celebrity didn't make it
10:08You see the rock
10:10You see the boulder
10:11A little chubby dude like this
10:13Same skin tone, haircut
10:14Right?
10:15You see Denny and you see Shitty
10:16He's cold in the bags
10:18Take that, take that
10:20You see Will.i.am and no I won't
10:22He's got a muffin top
10:24He looks like he had all the black eyed peas
10:29And listen, let me tell you something
10:30While I was doing this
10:31I tried all the diets, right?
10:33And all the diets work
10:35Keto, paleo, intermittent fasting
10:37You do it for 30 days
10:39You'll lose 10 pounds
10:40But on day 31
10:43If you look at a muffin
10:4546 pounds are coming back
10:48My problem ladies and gentlemen
10:50It's always sugar
10:51For all of us
10:51Sugar
10:52Right?
10:53And supposedly
10:54They say
10:55That sugar is 100 times more addictive
10:57Than heroin or cocaine
10:59Y'all believe that?
11:00I don't believe it
11:01I've never seen a sign that says
11:03We'll suck dick for a snicker
11:09So my problem ladies and gentlemen
11:10Isn't really candy bars
11:12My problem
11:13Chocolate chip cookies
11:15I love chocolate
11:18I love chocolate chip cookies so much
11:19If this was a Black Lives Matter rally
11:23And we were all fasting
11:26But then some skinheads came through that door
11:31With some hot chocolate chip cookies
11:33I would sell all y'all out
11:37I would be like
11:37Brothers and sisters
11:43Don't all lies matter when you think about it
11:45Like
11:49I mean like who are we to judge
11:50Because we're a little stronger
11:51And a little faster
11:53I would be a complete sellout
11:55I'm like have y'all seen these cookies?
11:57They come from Charlottesville
12:00And I thinks they OKKK
12:01Who wants one of these cookies?
12:03Who wants one of these
12:04God damn cookies?
12:07I love chocolate chip cookies so much
12:08I told my wife if I ever caught her cheating
12:10And she had two hot chocolate chip cookies
12:12I would let dude finish
12:18You think that's bad
12:19If he had milk with ice in it
12:20I would join him
12:20That's how much I enjoy the cookie
12:25Y'all got 20 minutes hurry up
12:29So
12:30Some of y'all know me
12:30Some of y'all don't
12:31I do a lot of writing and producing in Hollywood
12:33I work with
12:34Cedric the Entertainer
12:35Anthony Anderson
12:37Kevin Hart
12:38All your favorite blacks
12:40Right?
12:41So when you work with these people
12:44Your wives become friends
12:45Right?
12:46So my wife thinks we can do the same things as their wives
12:48I'm like no boo where the hell
12:51Now some stuff I can do right?
12:52Like we're supposed to go to Europe with the hearts
12:54I can go to Europe so I'm a multi-thousandere
12:56Okay?
12:57My wife was like you know what I was thinking guys?
12:59We should fly private
13:01I was like what?
13:02We should fly private
13:04I was like you mean don't tell nobody?
13:09Because I can keep a secret
13:11Private to Europe?
13:13I was thinking Spirit or Southwest
13:16Okay?
13:17We was going to have 86 stops
13:19LA, Phoenix, Burbank
13:21San Diego, Detroit
13:23San Antonio, Dallas
13:25Phoenix
13:27Kingston, Jamaica
13:28Like a Melbourne, Tokyo
13:34Houston, Philly
13:37Newark, Gatwick
13:40I cannot compete with Kevin Hart
13:42Kevin is becoming white rich
13:44You know why?
13:45You know how I know?
13:46The other day he held a $250,000 watch
13:49And it was covered
13:50I go yo why is it covered?
13:51He goes it's just a little collector's item
13:53I don't need to show off
13:54I go you're becoming white
13:58He said what are you talking about?
13:59I said let me tell you something
13:59If I had a $250,000 watch
14:01Everybody in here would know
14:02You know why?
14:03Because the tag is to be hanging
14:04If you didn't see the tag
14:10My shirt that was in diamonds
14:11We'd be pointing at the tag going
14:15Look at his $250,000 watch
14:20Kevin's made a lot of money ladies and gentlemen
14:23And I'm so happy for him
14:25Because I believe God gave Kevin Hart money
14:28To take care of me and my family
14:29That's just how I feel
14:32Kevin Hart is my African American Express
14:39I don't leave home without him
14:41You understand what I'm saying?
14:43What's in your wallet?
14:44Nothing
14:44There go Jumanji right over there
14:49Ladies and gentlemen
14:50Let me explain something to you
14:51Okay?
14:52When you have a rich friend
14:54You gotta be careful
14:55Right?
14:56Because most of the times they pay
14:57But every now and then
14:58They don't pay
15:00And it's always
15:02At the wrong time
15:05There was 30 of us
15:07And we went to Mr. Chow's
15:09Are you guys familiar with Mr. Chow's?
15:11So for those of you who don't know
15:12There's a Chinese restaurant in Beverly Hills
15:16There's one in Miami, New York
15:18That serves Chinese food
15:19But it ain't no regular Chinese food
15:20I don't know if they from the Ming Dynasty
15:23Or...
15:25There's cocaine in the egg rolls
15:27But it's fucking expensive
15:29And to make it more expensive
15:30They have a little trick that they do
15:32They'll bring you the menu
15:33And they'll go, you know what?
15:33Let us take that back
15:34Let us just bring you a few things
15:36Don't you ever let this fucking happen
15:40You understand me?
15:41We did it one night
15:42The bill was 1.8 million dollars
15:45But I don't care, you know why?
15:47Ride Along
15:48Has Rode Along
15:52So the bill comes
15:53And they always try to give it to me
15:55Right? I don't know, maybe
15:56You know, I'm the one talking the most
15:57And I gotta give them the Floyd Mayweather shoulder
15:59Like they're trying to give it to me
16:01No, no
16:03She's like, well who do I give it to?
16:04I'm like, the little nigga in the high chair
16:08Is responsible for everybody here
16:12So on this particular night
16:13I need you to laugh sometime today
16:14On this particular night
16:19He's a director, so he's like
16:22Interesting choices
16:27So on this particular night
16:31Listen, I direct too
16:32I know what he's doing
16:39I would've put a different stance
16:42I would've put a different stance
16:42So on this particular night
16:44Cam was like, yo, uh
16:46All I had was a Coke
16:51What'd he say?
16:53What'd he say?
16:53He wants some cocaine?
16:54Go get us some cocaine
16:55He said, no, no, no, no
16:56I don't do drugs
16:57All I had was a Coca-Cola
16:59And then he dug in his pocket
17:01And he pulled out a $10 bill
17:02And he threw it
17:05And all the broke people at the table
17:06Watched the $10 bill
17:12Float to the table
17:14He started to get up
17:14I'm like, yo, we gotta stop him
17:15Listen, tell him how tall he looks
17:17That's your job, right?
17:18Go, go
17:23So we're here arguing
17:24My wife's like, this is so stupid
17:25Baby, you know it's our turn to pay
17:26I go, shh
17:28It's never our turn, okay?
17:30So let's try to figure this out
17:32It's all broke actors at the table
17:34So we count each other's money
17:35I'm like, yo, Kadeem
17:36Different world
17:37Y'all did a little something
17:38There's a check
17:39Right?
17:40All of us
17:41Lady of Rage, I heard your shit in the elevator
17:54Kwame, yo, you done sold all them poor without shirts
17:57You can do something here
18:00My wife's looking at us
18:01This is so ridiculous
18:02You grown ass men arguing for the check
18:05She reached for the check
18:06I hit her in her throat so fast
18:10Now it wasn't a real hit
18:11It was just like a
18:12She was like
18:14She didn't see it
18:15I said, baby, you okay?
18:16Yo, I think they put peanuts in the satay
18:18I told you she was allergic
18:21So she walks to the back
18:22We're still arguing
18:24It's 58 credit cards in the middle of the table
18:28My wife comes back
18:29She goes, listen
18:30And listen close, okay?
18:31I talked to the owner
18:32You guys can all leave, okay?
18:34I said, what's going on?
18:35He said, if I have a glass of wine with him
18:36I'll take care of the check
18:37I go, that ain't gonna happen
18:38She goes, yes it is
18:39I go, no it's not
18:41She goes, yes it is
18:42I go, no it's not
18:43And just hypothetically
18:44What am I supposed to be doing?
18:45Why are you having a glass of wine with this stranger?
18:47She hands me a bag
18:49I'm like, huh?
18:50Chocolate chip fortune cookies?
19:02Y'all got 20 minutes
19:03Y'all got 20 minutes, alright?
19:04I'm gonna be in the car
19:05She likes rose, okay?
19:09So, here's something I learned
19:11You know, when we're all trying to lose weight
19:13We think it's the things we eat
19:14Or we're supposed to just go run and go get a trainer
19:16It's not that
19:17Sometimes it's your environment, right?
19:18The people you're around
19:20Can make you crave certain things, right?
19:22Like my thing was sugar
19:23So, I went to this nutritionist
19:25Who's kind of like a psychic
19:26And she was like, yo
19:27Some of the people around you
19:28You need to get rid of
19:29I was like, really?
19:30Yeah, and I did
19:31And I started to lose weight
19:33She's like, see?
19:33I told you it would work
19:34She goes, now let's talk about your career
19:36I'm like, let's go
19:37She said, okay, now
19:38I'll let you up
19:45I said, what do you mean?
19:46I mean, you know
19:48You started off with the Wayans family
19:50They're past you
19:52And then Kevin
19:54Used to sleep on your couch
19:54He told me
19:55He's doing the O2 Arena
19:58And the Barclays
19:59And Dave Chappelle
20:00And Chris are in the Staples Center
20:02And Madison Square Garden
20:03I mean, you're doing okay, right?
20:04You're doing the Laugh Pickle in Inglewood
20:06I read
20:07And
20:17You have another gig
20:18For the Deputy Mayor in Barstow
20:20So, I mean, thanks
20:23But you're not where you wanna be, are you?
20:25I was like, no
20:26She goes, well, let's work on that
20:28I said, yeah, I wanna get to the Staples Center
20:29She goes, okay
20:30Now, we're gonna have to dig deep
20:32We're gonna have to talk about your past
20:33I'm like, let's go
20:34She said, okay
20:35It might be a little painful
20:36I said, from Inglewood, homie
20:39I'm used to pain
20:40Talk to me
20:41She said, okay
20:43Let's talk about
20:45The time you were molested
20:47I was like
20:49I was never molested
20:51She goes, oh no
20:54You've blocked it
20:58I said, what?
20:59You've blocked it, baby
21:00It's deep, deep down
21:01I said, no
21:02She goes, listen, let's talk
21:03Okay, let's just
21:04You and I are here, okay
21:05Let's just get
21:07Really personal
21:07And let's tell some truths, okay
21:08Now, let's talk about your family life, right?
21:11You said your mother was divorced
21:12When you were at an early age, right?
21:13And so men were in and out the house
21:14I go, hey bitch, hold on one second
21:16I don't mean to call you that
21:17But you ain't gonna call my mother a whore
21:19In front of me
21:20Like, if I leave
21:22Do whatever you want behind my back
21:23She said, okay, let's talk about that
21:25All right?
21:25Who was the guy that came in the house?
21:27I said, my stepfather, Adrian, who she married
21:29She said, Adrian, Adrian, Adrian
21:30Oh, yes
21:31I like him
21:32All right
21:33That's her soulmate
21:35Who else?
21:36Nobody else
21:37I had an uncle named Silvera
21:39Who came around
21:39Uncle Silvera, Silvera
21:41I think he went to school with Adrian
21:43I go, yeah
21:44Great guy
21:44Who else?
21:46I said, there was no other men in our house
21:47She's gotta be somebody
21:50Who?
21:51You know what?
21:52Uh
21:54There's this white guy named Gary
21:56Right?
21:56Who married my aunt
21:58She's like, Gary
21:59Huh?
22:00Gary
22:01Gary
22:02Gary
22:03Gary
22:03Gary
22:06Tell me about Gary
22:07I said, I don't know why you're making your face up like that
22:09Gary was the coolest white boy we ever knew, right?
22:12Had an Afro
22:13Used to hang out with all the black people
22:14Used to hoop on us
22:15Harmless, right?
22:16Uh, he used to be a priest, right?
22:18Um
22:19He was also the, uh
22:21The leader of our Boy Scout troop
22:23Like I'm talking about
22:25Used to work part time as a clown
22:27Like this
22:28Was the most harmless
22:34She goes, did you hear yourself?
22:36I go, what?
22:37Priest?
22:38Boy Scouts?
22:39A clown?
22:40Those are the guys that prey on young boys
22:43Those are the biggest pedophiles in the world
22:45I said, nah, Uncle Gary
22:46She goes, yes, Uncle Gary
22:47I said, listen
22:48I would've whooped Gary's ass
22:49She goes, no you wouldn't
22:50You were a little boy
22:54Come here, give me a hug
22:54I said, hey, you know what?
22:56I'm done
22:56Thank you so much
22:58And I never went back
22:59Ten years later
23:00My aunt dies
23:01I go to the funeral
23:02Who do I see?
23:04I see Gary
23:05I'm excited
23:06Yo, Gary, what's up?
23:07He's like, hi
23:10I go, yo, it's Chris
23:11Dorothy's son
23:11He goes, I know who you are
23:12I go, oh, you raped me
23:16He was like, what?
23:17I said, I saw in your eye
23:19How you kinda darted
23:21That means you
23:21Something happened
23:22What happened?
23:23He goes, what are you talking about?
23:24I said, yeah, you know what happened
23:25Tell me what happened
23:26He walked off
23:27I said, yeah, walk off, raper
23:30So I go back into the church
23:31I come out
23:32I see him
23:33He walks into this little cafe
23:34I go over and talk to him
23:35I said, yo, you ain't got nothing to say
23:37He goes, what is there to say, Christopher?
23:39I go, you can tell me what happened
23:40When I was a kid
23:40He goes, nothing happened
23:41When you were a little kid
23:41Except that I took care of you
23:43Your sister and your mother
23:44When you were going through
23:45Some bad times, okay?
23:46When your mother was working
23:47Two or three jobs
23:47I was gonna take you to basketball practice
23:49I was taking your sister to learn
23:50How to play the flute
23:51Learned how to play the piano
23:52I helped you with all this stuff
23:53And this is how you treat me
23:54You start crying
23:54This is how you treat me?
23:55I go, I don't mean to make you cry
23:56But I'm just trying to get to the stable center
24:00Like, the laugh pickle plays great
24:02But the stable center is fantastic
24:04She told me
24:05If I dig deep
24:06And get into my past
24:08But she said this
24:08But she could be lying
24:10She don't know
24:11She's not God
24:11I'm sorry, man
24:12I'm sorry
24:14Will you forgive me?
24:14He said, I don't know
24:15I said, listen, can I sit down and talk to you?
24:17We sat down
24:19We talked for three hours
24:20It was great
24:21We caught up
24:22He's got a family
24:23He's doing incredible
24:24He's written a couple books
24:26Three hours later
24:26The waitress comes over
24:27She's like, do you guys want anything else?
24:29And that's when Gary put his hand on my knee
24:32And he said, you still like chocolate chip cookies?
24:35I'm like, you motherfucker
24:48I blocked it
24:52Guy used to, you know, harass me
24:55Elementary school and junior high school, right?
24:57His name was Charles
24:59And he would rob me every day
25:02Every day
25:03And the days he would forget
25:04I would remind him
25:05Like, yo, yo, how you gonna eat without this?
25:07Here
25:09Give me some sustenance, brother
25:12Every day, right?
25:14And so, a couple years ago
25:16A dear friend of mine died
25:17I go to the funeral
25:19Who do I see?
25:21I see Charles
25:23He's this big
25:26I'm like, oh shit
25:29This is why I came to church
25:30Thank you so much
25:32I go, what's up, Charles?
25:34He said, hey, little Chris
25:36I go, no
25:40It's little Charles
25:43He's like, what's up?
25:43I'm like, what is up?
25:44I'm like, what's up?
25:45He's like, what is up?
25:46I said, you know what?
25:46You know what's up?
25:47I owe you an ass whooping for my childhood
25:50I'll open my jacket
25:50This motherfucker kicked me in the chest
25:52Bow!
25:56I said, yo
25:57He said, what you wanna do?
25:58I was like, you kicked me in the chest
26:00He said, you ran up on me
26:00I said, you're still a bully?
26:05He said, what, you thought it was gonna be an optometrist or something?
26:07What you wanna do?
26:09He kicked me in the chest
26:10And as I walked off
26:11He dug in my pocket and took $20
26:13I was like, oh
26:15But here's what's funny
26:16This ain't the first time he kicked me
26:20Eighth grade
26:22Going to Monroe Junior High
26:24And he's there terrorizing everybody
26:25And this new kid moves into our neighborhood named Paul
26:28Paul was smooth
26:29He dressed nice
26:32He had a perm
26:35Let me explain what a perm is to the whites
26:36Okay, so
26:39We, black people
26:40Get a perm
26:41To make curly hair straight
26:44You guys do it to make straight hair curly
26:47So he had
26:48His shit was feathered
26:50It was beautiful
26:53They used to call it the Lord Jesus
26:57You know why?
26:58Cause when he would take the rollers out and go like this
27:00All the girls would go
27:02Lord Jesus
27:05Yo, this was a beautiful man
27:07He was about 6'4", light skinned, green eyes
27:09Had a...
27:10I knew he had money
27:11Cause he had a leather members only jacket
27:14I was like, oh my god
27:15His parents must be white
27:18He had a motorcycle
27:19He had a Camaro in the eighth grade
27:21This dude was smooth, right?
27:23So he moves to our neighborhood
27:25And him and Charles get into it
27:26Right?
27:27They start arguing and pushing and shoving
27:28And all of a sudden
27:29He put his finger in Charles' eye
27:30And before Charles gets stocking
27:32The principal comes and breaks it up
27:34And they're like, yeah, I'll see you after school
27:36He said, bet, bet, bet
27:37I'm gonna whoop your ass
27:37He said, bet
27:38They break it up
27:39I look at Paul
27:40I go, are you crazy?
27:42He said, well
27:42I turned into a little white girl
27:43I go, that's the bully
27:46Okay, he's gonna murder you
27:47He said, he ain't gonna murder me
27:48Y'all scared of this motherfucker
27:49I ain't afraid of him
27:50I said, why aren't you scared?
27:51I interviewed him like a reporter
27:52Why aren't you scared?
27:55He said, the most magical thing
27:58A kid could hear in the seventies
28:00I go, why aren't you scared of him?
28:01He goes, cause I know karate
28:02I was like, oh shit
28:06You know karate?
28:07Yeah, I know karate
28:08Then he started doing stuff
28:11He was doing stuff
28:12He put on some real nunchucks
28:14I'm like
28:16I'm like, okay, you don't know no real karate
28:18He goes, look at my shoes
28:19I looked down
28:21He had on some karate shoes
28:23I'm not talking about the little black ones
28:25With the little red thin sole
28:27No, he had on them wooden flip flops
28:31That you wear with socks
28:33Where you can see the knuckle like this
28:37I was like, you do know karate
28:39He said, yeah
28:40And I'm gonna whoop your boy's ass
28:42I'll see you at three
28:43And he walked off
28:49Yo, I told everybody
28:51I'm like, yo, 315
28:51You know Charles gonna get his ass whooped
28:53315, you gonna be there?
28:54I started selling tickets
28:5425 cents, you can sit here
28:5550 cents, you can sit here
28:57Charles saw me
28:58He said, let me tell you something
28:59After I whoop his ass
29:00I'm gonna whoop your ass
29:02I said, no you won't
29:03He's like, why not?
29:04I said, cause you'll be dead
29:08315 comes
29:10Charles is waiting
29:10He said, where's your boy?
29:11I said, oh, he's coming
29:12All of a sudden
29:13You hear, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying
29:17Paul is riding his motorcycle around the field
29:20Ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying
29:22He's doing willies
29:23He's jumping over backpacks
29:25The perm is flying
29:27His whole outfit matches
29:29The leather jacket
29:30He looked like Nigga Knievel
29:32It was beautiful, right?
29:37He pulls over, ying, ying, ying
29:40Dirt comes on to Charles
29:42He's like, oh, I'm finna kill this boy
29:43I'm finna kill this boy
29:44Paul gets off
29:47He said, you ready?
29:48Charles is like, I've been ready
29:49Paul takes off the jacket
29:51He opens it up
29:52He has on a karate gi
29:54We're like, oh my god
29:55This is incredible
29:56He has on a karate gi
29:58Yes!
30:00Uh oh
30:02Uh oh
30:02Oh no
30:06Is that a yellow belt?
30:10Is that a yellow
30:11Can you see it for me?
30:13I can't see it for me
30:13Is that a yellow belt?
30:16Like how does it work?
30:17Does it go red, blue, green, black, yellow?
30:20Or is it red, green, yellow, black?
30:26And my boy Derek was like, uh, you get yellow with registration
30:28I'm like, God
30:38He beat the perm
30:43Out of Paul
30:44He went from Prince's I Wanna Be Your Lover album cover
30:49To Maxwell's album cover
30:53And then took his motorcycle
30:56And then rode off
30:57Like a synchronized gymnast with a yellow belt
31:04I'm like, oh my god
31:05I'm walking with Paul
31:06He got grass in his hair
31:09He said, what am I gonna do?
31:10I said, move
31:10You should move
31:14I get to school the next day
31:15I see Charles
31:16I said, y'all know
31:17You're about to do something
31:18Let me ask you something
31:19How'd you know you can whip his ass?
31:20Like, everybody knew he knew karate
31:22He opened up his jacket
31:23He owned a karate gi
31:25And he had a purple belt
31:27And then he kicked me in the chest
31:28Bow!
31:29I was like...
31:33Uh, I'm married
31:34Married people, clap
31:37Horrible, horrible
31:38Look at that, that's horrible
31:40Horrible
31:40Let me show you the difference
31:41Single people, where are you?
31:43Look at that
31:45Happy
31:46Happy
31:47Happy, full of diseases
31:48Look at that
31:48Woo!
31:50Woo!
31:59My wife is here
32:05I'm very, very, very lucky
32:09Uh, she's more lucky
32:11But
32:14I'm very lucky to have her
32:15She's smarter than me
32:17She's prettier than me
32:18And, you know, we really work well together
32:21And I almost messed it up
32:24Right? Because, you know, I knew she was Puerto Rican
32:28Right? But, you know, I always had in my head
32:30That I'm gonna marry a black woman
32:31So I was like, I don't know
32:32I don't know if this is gonna work
32:34And then one day we were at my mom's house
32:36And we were looking through an Essence magazine
32:38And there was an old brother
32:39With the Covasse ad
32:41Black man, grey beard, like this
32:42She goes, oh, he looks like my grandfather
32:43I'm like, huh?
32:45Your grandfather's black?
32:46She's like, yeah
32:47I said, listen, with this ring
32:52For the lover in you
33:00Fantastic
33:01Everything is going great
33:03You know, but you have your quarrels, right?
33:04Like, we were arguing one time
33:06She's like, nigga, stop
33:06I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
33:09You don't get to say that word
33:10She said, you say it
33:11I said, well, I'm a member
33:12I go to the meetings
33:15I have a badge
33:16She goes, that's bullshit
33:17First of all, I'm Puerto Rican
33:18I go, what's that mean?
33:19That means I'm African
33:20I'm Spanish
33:20I'm Indian
33:21I said, yeah, but you ain't got enough African in you
33:23To use the word
33:24She said, what are you talking about?
33:25I said, listen, let me explain Puerto Rican black, okay?
33:28Alright
33:29Some slave ships
33:31From Africa
33:32Stopped in Puerto Rico
33:33To get some gas
33:37A couple of dudes escaped
33:39Did it to some of the Spanish women and the Indian women
33:41Some of y'all got ass
33:42Some of y'all got flat noses
33:43Some of y'all got nappy hair
33:44But y'all ain't
33:45No, Nick
33:47She goes, that's bullshit
33:48I said, no, it's not bullshit
33:48Listen, both of us
33:49Shouldn't be using the word, okay?
33:51So let's both stop
33:52She's like, whatever
33:52I said, yeah, whatever
33:54So
33:56She goes and takes a 23 and me test
34:00Turns out
34:02She's 37% West African
34:06That's 7% more black than me
34:13She came back cocky
34:14Uh-huh
34:16I was like, what?
34:17She goes, uh-huh
34:18I go, what?
34:18She goes, I told you, nigga
34:25I said, oh, you became a crip while you took the test?
34:31My wife is a gangster
34:33Alright, when you see my wife
34:34She looks like a senorita
34:35But if she drew a picture of herself
34:36It would look like Lupita, okay?
34:39We have two kids
34:42Isabella and Christopher
34:44Um
34:44Very good looking
34:45They look like us
34:48Uh
34:49Totally different, right?
34:51They totally
34:51It's crazy how you can raise two kids in the same house
34:53And they come out totally different
34:54My daughter
34:57Is a
34:58Hater
35:00Is that okay to say?
35:01She's a hater?
35:02My son
35:03Is a snitch
35:07My daughter's the biggest hater in the world
35:08No matter what my son does
35:09It's never good enough
35:10My son came home
35:10Dad would make the basketball team
35:11I'm like, that's my boy
35:13She's like, really?
35:15You're proud of that?
35:17I go, what's wrong with that, Isabella?
35:19Um, he's the only black kid in the school
35:23He's supposed to make the basketball team
35:27If he makes the chemistry team
35:29We can have a party, okay?
35:34My son is the snitch
35:37Father, father, come
35:38We live in a white neighborhood
35:40Father
35:40Come here
35:42What, man, what?
35:43Um, did you say we could have cookies?
35:45No?
35:45Interesting
36:05We live in the suburbs, which means, of course, you know, my kids are dominating in sports
36:11Uh, you're not gonna believe this
36:12Uh, last fall, my kid had 14 touchdowns in one game
36:1714 touchdowns
36:18And what I can't figure out is why these little white boys can't catch Isabella
36:21Like, she's fast
36:28But she ain't that damn fast, right?
36:30She's a show officer
36:30She'll go to the end zone and go, not yet
36:32And she'll moonwalk across the field like Chris Brown
36:34And all these little slow-ass Jewish kids are chasing her
36:38There's these yarmulkes flying all over the place
36:40No, don't get me wrong, these ain't no little punk-ass Jewish kids
36:44These are some very athletic Jewish kids
36:45Like, they may have on yarmulkes, but they have a Nike swoosh on one side
36:50And it says, just Jew it on the other
36:52So I am talking the creme de la creme
36:57Of the San Fernando Valley
37:00But I was like, you know what?
37:02I don't believe
37:04I don't believe my kids are this good
37:06So I took them to the hood
37:08And I enrolled them in track
37:10And just like I thought
37:12My kids ain't shit
37:16Kids ain't shit
37:17The hood kids are just built differently
37:19Y'all know these kids are built differently
37:20At the time my son was 14
37:21He was skinny and scrawny
37:23The kid next to him, 14
37:25Buff, muscles, goatee
37:27Had a car in the parking lot
37:28Like, you know what it is?
37:30They're more mature
37:32This one little Mexican girl
37:33That's sort of guy, 13 years old
37:35She put her baby down and ran a 12-9
37:41You know how fast that is?
37:42You think that's bad?
37:44Her son jumped 15-4 in the pit
37:48I'm like, who are these people?
37:50And what pisses me off, ladies and gentlemen
37:52Is, you know, right?
37:54My kids got on Nike this, Jordan that
37:56Wind resistant, water repellent
37:57Cause you know, I got, I'm a multi-thousandare
37:59So my kids have on fly shit
38:01These little motherfuckers had on jeans
38:05Raiders jerseys
38:07Timberlands
38:09One kid beat my son in the 400
38:11By a hundred meters
38:15He had on Spiderman pajamas
38:17And some Stacey Adams
38:18Do you understand the embarrassment?
38:25I said, yo, get your little black white asses in the car
38:27Let's go, let's go
38:33My kids go to private school
38:34Cause you know, I'm a multi-thousandare
38:37And I worry about them, right?
38:39I worry when they get into the real world
38:40Because it's kind of soft
38:41Like, the kids have never had a fight
38:43You know what I mean?
38:45Like the other day he had a little girl over
38:46I was like, you know what? I should go have the birds and the bees talk
38:48And I was like, you know what? Why?
38:50He ain't gonna do shit
38:53What's he gonna do?
38:54They probably watching Frozen for the eighth time
38:56Or doing some offbeat TikTok videos
38:59He'll be alright
39:02So, while he was back, he was back there a couple of hours
39:04I had to cut my hair, I had to keep my clippers in the back
39:06I knock on the back, I open the door
39:07He's like, what's up?
39:08I look, he has a hickey necklace
39:12He has monkey bites all on his neck
39:14I have never been so pissed and so proud at the same time
39:17But I can't let him know that
39:18I had to act pissed, yo, come here!
39:21He's like, what's up?
39:25What?
39:26I said, yo, what's going on?
39:28Look at your neck
39:29He said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
39:32Hey, hey, hey, hey
39:33Do me a favor
39:35Go put two tablespoons in the freezer for me
39:38I was like, what?
39:39You guys know about this?
39:41So, apparently, you put spoons on the thing
39:43And it'll make the hickey go away
39:46I said, what if your grandfather saw that?
39:50He said, Grandpa told me about the spoons
39:52I'm like this
39:54Nasty
39:57I never tell him nothing
39:58I don't know what I'm talking about
40:02Married people
40:04Number one problem in a marriage
40:05Some people say communication
40:07Some people say finances
40:10Lack of sex
40:12Look at all the scared men and the women are like, what are you talking about?
40:18It's sex, guys, it's okay
40:19We're adults
40:21It's sex, right?
40:23The woman thinks she's fucking her ass up
40:26And she's not doing the same fucking she did when she was campaigning
40:33You know what happens?
40:34In the beginning, ladies and gentlemen
40:36When you first get married and have kids
40:38It's her fault, right?
40:40She's dealing with the kids all day
40:41She's tired, right?
40:43Like her libido is low
40:46That's when you're younger
40:46When you've been married 15, 20 years
40:49It becomes, you know what?
40:50I don't wanna fuck you either
40:53Sometimes we'll be like, yo, you wanna do it?
40:55I mean, I'll do it if you wanna do it
40:56Like, I don't wanna stop you from watching TV
40:59But if you feel like it, I will
41:02You know what I mean?
41:02I was just, you know, I was on a Zoom
41:04But I'll stop the Zoom if you, if
41:06I'm just saying, if you want to, I will
41:08I mean
41:10Seriously, sometimes, if she was like, yo, do you wanna have sex?
41:13Or do you want a sandwich?
41:14I said, give me a second
41:17Sex, sandwich, sandwich, hurry up
41:19Okay, I got questions
41:20What?
41:21We got avocado?
41:24Me too
41:25Croissant?
41:25Shit, wait a minute
41:32Sometimes, you know, it's just
41:34You get tired
41:35Right? You guys have been doing it
41:37You've been doing it to each other
41:38You gotta make stuff fresh
41:39Right?
41:40She knows all your moves
41:43Y'all be doing it, she's like
41:44He should be pulling my hair right about
41:45Oh, there he is
41:51You have to figure out a way to keep it fresh
41:53But also, like you guys become so close
41:56Right?
41:56Sometimes it's like
41:58Weird to be freaky
42:00You know what I mean?
42:01Some dude said to me the other day
42:02Yo, you be fucking shit out your wife?
42:03I was like, ugh
42:09That's my kid's mother
42:12He said, yo, I got this Viagra Cialis
42:13I was like, yo, man
42:14What are you talking about?
42:17We just want to do it real quick
42:18And go to sleep
42:20Seriously, when you married 15, 20 years
42:22You become lazy
42:23Like one time we were doing it
42:25And I was like, babe
42:26Why don't you get on top?
42:26She goes, I'm fine, thanks
42:31I go, yo, get on top
42:32No, you're doing a great job
42:33She gave me the thumbs up
42:34You're killing it
42:39You are killing it
42:41I go, look
42:42I've been on top of two commercials
42:43Don't you think it's fair?
42:48She was like, ugh
42:49Okay, rock, paper, scissors
42:50I'm like, really?
42:53Fuss it, man
42:58Any interracial couples here?
43:01You know what?
43:04It's great to see
43:04In my time, you know
43:08It's a little scary
43:09Right?
43:10You see a brother with a white girl
43:11He's a little nervous
43:12Right?
43:13Especially if you see some sisters
43:15Because, you know
43:15He wants to go to some places
43:17Where sisters aren't
43:20Because you guys are mean
43:21When you see a brother with a white girl
43:23Look at that motherfucker right there
43:24He's like, ah, shit
43:26Told you we shouldn't have went
43:27To the Fox Hills mall
43:32The white girl with the black guy
43:33Oh
43:35That's different than the black girl
43:36With the white guy
43:36She's proud
43:37Yeah, we going
43:38We going to Roscoe's
43:40Which one?
43:41All of them
43:43You know why?
43:45Because the black girl
43:46With the white guy
43:48Is applauded
43:50Good for you, girl
43:52Fuck them
43:55You got you a good one
43:57The brother with the white girl
43:58Look at this corny motherfucker
44:00You can't handle no real sister
44:03But the sister
44:04From her people
44:05Get applauded
44:06Right?
44:07Janet Jackson
44:08Eve
44:10Who else?
44:11Serena
44:12That's good
44:13Get your credit fixed, girl
44:14And you marry her
44:21Let me say that again
44:22Let me say that again
44:22Good for you, girl
44:23You get your credit fixed
44:25And you marry that white boy
44:26Good for you
44:27Find me one
44:28Do we got a brother?
44:29They get uplifted
44:31With this new frontier
44:32They're about to have
44:33We don't
44:34Even Meghan Markle
44:36She was a little nervous
44:37She was talking to her mom
44:38I don't know mom
44:39He's red hair
44:40Freckles
44:41Ginger
44:41You know her mom's from Compton
44:42She's like, fuck that, okay
44:43Ginger, nigger, same thing
44:45Unscramble the letters, bitch
44:46Make me a princess
44:50Ginger, nigger
44:51That's the greatest joke ever written
44:52I just want you to know that
44:54Unscramble the letters
45:01How many people here
45:03Have been affected by racism?
45:05Clap
45:09How many people here
45:11Have been called the n-word?
45:15Okay, so
45:17I've always heard
45:18Sticks and stones
45:19May break my bones
45:20But words never hurt me, right?
45:21So I've always felt that, right?
45:22Until an incident
45:23A racial incident happened
45:24At my kids' school, right?
45:25Some little white kid came to school
45:26And he brought a picture of a monkey
45:27And he showed all the kids
45:28God, this is what all the black kids look like, right?
45:30It was a big old international incident
45:32In the San Fernando Valley, right?
45:34So all the parents came together
45:36From all these other schools
45:37They started talking about race, right?
45:38They were going around the other parents
45:39Like, Chris, have you ever experienced
45:41Anything like this?
45:43And I was like, yeah, you know
45:44And I didn't realize it bothered me
45:45Until I said this sentence
45:46I was like, yeah, you know
45:47This little white boy called me nigger
45:48When I was in the fifth grade
45:49And I've been looking for him ever since
45:55Oh my, I have
45:57I've been looking for this dude
45:59Like, when MySpace was out
46:00I would type his name in
46:01Just to see where he was
46:03Couldn't find him
46:04Facebook
46:05And then one day
46:06I was on Google
46:06Just checking
46:08I realized I was spelling his name wrong
46:10They gave me another spelling
46:11I was like, oh!
46:12I found him
46:14I'm about to go see you
46:17I keep reading
46:17I'm like, oh my God
46:19I can't go see this dude
46:21I read that this kid died
46:22In a motorcycle accident
46:24I'm like, oh, fuck
46:26I can't go today
46:31So I went the next day
46:33He lived in Bakersfield
46:35Or somewhere where they make meth
46:39Straight white trash
46:41He was a 55-year-old pool boy
46:44I see him
46:45I walk in
46:46I'm like, what's up?
46:47He goes, how can I help you?
46:48I said, Chris Spencer
46:49Old Stage Elementary School
46:51In the fifth grade
46:52You call me nigger
46:54He's like, I did?
46:54I go, yeah
46:55He said, are you here to kill me?
46:56I said, I'm not sure
46:59I kind of just wanted you to see
47:00How big I am right now
47:02He said, listen, whatever you're saying
47:03I believe you
47:04I'm sorry
47:06I lived in a crazy house at the time
47:08My dad was an alcoholic
47:09My mother was on heroin
47:11Me and my sister ran away
47:12We got emancipated
47:13I moved out here
47:14I went to school
47:15I got a college degree
47:15I'm an ordained minister
47:17In that church you drove up past
47:19On your way up here
47:20That's my church
47:21I'm a minister
47:22I was like, god damn it
47:25He said, what's wrong?
47:26What's wrong?
47:26I said, it's hard for me to kill you
47:28Now that you brought up Jesus
47:30He goes, well listen
47:31Why don't we just hold hands and pray?
47:33I was like
47:35I said, please
47:38I held his hand
47:39We started praying
47:40Dear Heavenly Father
47:41Please forgive me for what I have done
47:43Then he started to belittle me
47:44And help Christopher overcome words
47:51Right? It's a word
47:52It shouldn't affect you
47:53I said, look at me man
47:55Words
47:55I said, you know how damaging that word is?
47:57Yeah, just, whatever
47:58So, I said, yo
48:00You know what?
48:01Before I slap the shit out of you
48:03Father
48:04I'm gonna leave
48:06He's like, okay
48:07I said, yeah
48:08Oh, by the way
48:09The only reason I'm not whooping your ass
48:11Is because I read about
48:12Your son dying in that motorcycle accident
48:15He's like, it was my daughter, nigger
48:16And he swung at me
48:17I was like, oh
48:19I slapped the shit out of him
48:20Bow!
48:21He fell on the ground
48:22I said, yeah, what you got to say now?
48:24He said, honey, go get it
48:25I said, oh, you got a gun?
48:26Kicked him in his nuts
48:27Bam!
48:27Babe, go get it!
48:28I said, oh, what you gonna do?
48:29Yeah, go get it
48:30I'm kicking him
48:30Bam!
48:31Go get it!
48:31Bam!
48:31Go get it!
48:32She runs out
48:33She hands him a bag
48:34Here
48:35I open it up
48:37Chocolate chip cookies?
48:40My name is Chris Spencer, y'all
48:42Thank you very
48:44Very
48:46Very much
48:57He ain't done a special
49:01He ain't done a special
49:01In the heart
49:02He ain't done a special
49:06Been a while
49:07Been making the whole world laugh
49:11Just live and go to Jason
49:13Right next to me
49:16Remember real husbands?
49:19Yeah, that was a massive hit
49:21Whenever funnies needed
49:23The kings will come
49:23He agreed
49:24Chris is the shit
49:25Ask the man in black
49:27Oh
49:27Or the one named Fox
49:29X heart Dave
49:31Or Mike
49:31And Chris knows
49:32He really rocks
49:34Mmm
49:35I know that pin
49:37Whoa
49:39I know that pin
49:42Mmm
49:46He ain't done a special
49:48In a while
49:50But he ain't been complacent
49:53Mmm
49:55Still making legends greater
49:59By saying go to Jason
50:04Go to Jason
50:06Loveвод
50:06What
50:06make You
50:06You
50:07You
50:07You
50:07We
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