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Taylor Tomlinson： Prodigal Daughter [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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00:05:43M.K.
00:06:58sun Capitol çekerinde赊 Did you know you can do that outside of a film She did that bullshit in real
00:07:04life
00:07:05niin updating GO oh my god what was wrong with it And she gone ahh there was a hair in
00:07:07it
00:07:11one hair there would have to be took pay on my lasagna
00:07:17and eve though i feel like i is so sorry i should have asked for this without cheap pay
00:07:21i No i I understand it's a garnish it just sort of triggering in this political climate
00:07:27But I understand, it looks very natural.
00:07:31Thank you, chef.
00:07:32I'll pick around it.
00:07:33Pick around it.
00:07:35I don't think I'm smarter than religious people.
00:07:38I hate it when atheists talk down to anyone who believes in God.
00:07:41I've believed a lot of stupid shit in my life.
00:07:43God's not even top three, okay?
00:07:45I've believed tall guys.
00:07:51He plays guitar, he must be nice.
00:07:53I'm dumb, all right?
00:07:54When my religious family members talk about God,
00:07:56like God got me through the hardest years of my life,
00:08:00I'm like, shit, that's how I talk about Gilmore Girls.
00:08:02Like, I'm an idiot.
00:08:05And I capitalize those Gs.
00:08:07I make sure every time.
00:08:09That's right.
00:08:11But I have a lot of Christians in my life,
00:08:13a lot of people praying for me,
00:08:15which I try not to take personally.
00:08:17You ever have someone say they're praying for you
00:08:19and you don't know what they're referring to?
00:08:22They're like, hey, I just want to let you know I'm praying for you.
00:08:25What?
00:08:28I'm not sick.
00:08:30Oh, yeah?
00:08:31Well, I'm praying for you.
00:08:32What do you think about that, Bev?
00:08:34Heard you need it, bitch.
00:08:38She's like, no, God's just been putting you on my heart lately.
00:08:40Well, tell God to scrape me off your heart
00:08:42because I'm doing awesome, okay?
00:08:43I don't know what you heard in the church parking lot,
00:08:45but that was a family matter, Bev.
00:08:48I'm going to tint the van windows.
00:08:52I have a lot of cool Christians in my life.
00:08:55Cool Christians love to let you know they're cool.
00:08:57They do.
00:08:58They love to, like, swear in front of you.
00:09:03They're like, look, I understand why you have doubts.
00:09:05I get it.
00:09:05I'll watch the news.
00:09:09Shit is fucked up.
00:09:16Then they look at you like they did a trick on a skateboard.
00:09:23I have an uncle who's a pastor, and he's a really cool guy.
00:09:26He's very humble down to earth.
00:09:27He's not, like, one of these megachurch douchebags
00:09:29who wears expensive sneakers
00:09:30and, like, writes a book with his face on it.
00:09:33Every time I see a pastor on a book tour,
00:09:35I'm like, hey, man, weren't you already promoting a book?
00:09:39Like...
00:09:42I don't... I just...
00:09:48How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?
00:09:53My uncle's really cool.
00:09:54He's the only person in my life
00:09:55who understands what I do for work.
00:09:56He and I have very similar jobs.
00:09:58We're both out here on the weekends.
00:09:59changing lives.
00:10:01No, he hates it when I say that.
00:10:02He hates it so much.
00:10:04I'm always trying to talk shop with him.
00:10:05I'm like, hey, Jim, how was your early show?
00:10:10He's like, you know it's first service, Taylor.
00:10:12I'm like, well, I just noticed
00:10:13he had a heckler on the late one.
00:10:14He goes, that person was yelling amen
00:10:16and hallelujah to agree.
00:10:18I'm like, that's the worst kind of heckler, Jim,
00:10:20because they're being supportive,
00:10:21but they're still disrupting your flow, right?
00:10:24I go, you know, I donate 10% of what I make, too.
00:10:27He's like, to who?
00:10:28I'm like, my agent, but it's still a tithe.
00:10:34I'm like, I'm kidding, Jim.
00:10:35I know we don't do the same thing.
00:10:37But think about this.
00:10:39I make them feel guilty Saturday night.
00:10:41You save their ass Sunday morning.
00:10:43I set them up.
00:10:44You spiked the ball.
00:10:45You're welcome.
00:10:47I helped.
00:10:54But my Uncle Jim's like a great pastor.
00:10:56He's like very progressive.
00:10:57He gives really interesting sermons.
00:10:59We didn't have a cool pastor like my Uncle Jim growing up.
00:11:01We had a basic ass pastor who stuck to three topics.
00:11:05He had three messages.
00:11:06You are forgiven.
00:11:08Marriage is hard.
00:11:10Merry Christmas.
00:11:11Like, those were the three.
00:11:14I do feel for pastors on Christmas and Easter,
00:11:17because those are big weeks at church, right?
00:11:18Those are recruitment weeks.
00:11:21That's when everybody comes out of the woodwork.
00:11:23That's when the decaf Christians swing by.
00:11:26You only see those motherfuckers twice a year,
00:11:29and you've got to blow their minds so hard with the extras
00:11:31that they upgrade their subscription to weekly.
00:11:33That's a lot of pressure.
00:11:36And as the pastor on Christmas and Easter,
00:11:39you can't get creative.
00:11:40You can't get weird with it.
00:11:41You can't do an acoustic set.
00:11:43You've got to play the hits.
00:11:45You've got to tell the stories, right?
00:11:48Easter's a better story than Christmas, in my opinion.
00:11:50If you don't know,
00:11:51Easter is the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
00:11:54It's where all of our merch is from.
00:11:56You've seen it.
00:11:58You've seen it.
00:11:59Dead guy up there.
00:12:01But tasteful.
00:12:02Somehow very tasteful.
00:12:03Makes you think about your own death.
00:12:05Like, ooh, hope I die in a way
00:12:06that looks good on jewelry, right?
00:12:09Think about it.
00:12:10When grandma died, were you like,
00:12:11ooh, slap her on an anklet?
00:12:12No, he's really doing it up there.
00:12:15I'll stop doing it.
00:12:17I'll stop doing it.
00:12:17We're all familiar.
00:12:21But Easter's a great story.
00:12:22There's a lot of action, right?
00:12:24It's the crucifixion, the resurrection.
00:12:26It's Jesus in his prime, early 30s, ripped.
00:12:32We betrayed him.
00:12:33We killed him.
00:12:34He's back.
00:12:34It's basically Twilight.
00:12:36It's a sexy, sexy story.
00:12:39I'm kidding.
00:12:39Twilight belongs to the Mormons.
00:12:40Don't take that from them, okay?
00:12:42They can't have caffeine.
00:12:43They need something to wake them up.
00:12:46Christmas is not as good a story.
00:12:48It's just not.
00:12:49The birth of Jesus,
00:12:49it starts off strong, right?
00:12:51An angel comes down from heaven,
00:12:52tells Mary,
00:12:53I know you're a virgin,
00:12:54but you're pregnant with the son of God.
00:12:56Oh, shit.
00:12:57And then the angel has to go
00:12:58tell her boyfriend, Joseph,
00:13:00because believe women
00:13:00wasn't really a thing back then.
00:13:03So the angel's like,
00:13:05it's God in there, I promise.
00:13:06And then what?
00:13:07Then the angel leaves.
00:13:08Then it's just a long walk to a barn.
00:13:11That's most of Christmas
00:13:12is just this right here.
00:13:14Jesus is barely in it.
00:13:15He comes in right at the end.
00:13:17He does zero magic.
00:13:19It sucks.
00:13:21Jesus is basically
00:13:22the post-credits scene
00:13:24in a Marvel movie.
00:13:25It's trash.
00:13:30Sucks.
00:13:35I remember one year
00:13:37our pastor tried to spice up
00:13:38the Christmas story.
00:13:39He came out, he goes,
00:13:40thought he found a new angle, right?
00:13:42He comes out, he goes,
00:13:42you know,
00:13:43we always kind of rush through
00:13:44the Christmas story, don't we?
00:13:46since we all know it so well.
00:13:48But if you ever really
00:13:49stop to think
00:13:51about what this must have been like
00:13:54for Mary
00:13:56and all the women were like,
00:13:58oh,
00:13:59and all the men were like,
00:14:01no.
00:14:04Which one's Mary again?
00:14:05Oh, are you talking about
00:14:06the vessel?
00:14:07You talking about the hole
00:14:08we put the Lord in?
00:14:10You talking about
00:14:11the Jesus jar?
00:14:14You talking about
00:14:15the Christ cubby?
00:14:17You talking about
00:14:17the Savior sack?
00:14:19You talking about
00:14:20the prophet pocket?
00:14:22We could keep going,
00:14:24but we have to move on.
00:14:25But that's a fun game to play
00:14:26to come down
00:14:27from the cousin fight
00:14:28if you want.
00:14:31That Mary POV sermon
00:14:32went over so well for him
00:14:34that he came out the next year
00:14:35all excited.
00:14:36Like, last year we talked about
00:14:37what it must have been like
00:14:38for Mary to find out
00:14:39she was pregnant with Jesus.
00:14:40But have you ever stopped
00:14:41to think about
00:14:42what this must have been like
00:14:44for Joseph?
00:14:46And all the men were like,
00:14:47finally!
00:14:49Representation!
00:14:50I also think whores
00:14:51are lying to me!
00:14:56Joseph was Mary's betrothed
00:14:58at the time.
00:14:58Again, I don't want to assume
00:14:59everybody knows
00:15:00all the Bible stories.
00:15:01You grow up in church,
00:15:02you're like,
00:15:02everybody's learning these.
00:15:03Nope, some kids
00:15:04were having childhoods
00:15:05on their bikes.
00:15:07Yeah.
00:15:08Is there anyone in here
00:15:09who never went to church,
00:15:10has never believed in God,
00:15:11never been religious at all?
00:15:14Wow, all in the back.
00:15:15That checks out.
00:15:16That checks out.
00:15:18Well, you sound very at peace.
00:15:20You sound so relaxed,
00:15:21but how do you not,
00:15:22how do you know right from wrong?
00:15:23How do you not kill people?
00:15:25How do you?
00:15:26Some Christians talk like that.
00:15:27My dad growing up was like,
00:15:29you know,
00:15:29if I weren't a Christian,
00:15:30I'd be in jail.
00:15:31And I'm like,
00:15:32whoa, I'm six.
00:15:35Let's do a good night moon tomorrow
00:15:37instead of dad's dark thoughts.
00:15:39That was,
00:15:40some Christians walk around like,
00:15:42yeah, if Sky Dad
00:15:42didn't have me on house arrest,
00:15:44there'd be some mud on my boots.
00:15:46And you're like,
00:15:46cool, let's only hang out
00:15:47in groups.
00:15:51But if you didn't grow up in church,
00:15:52you might not know
00:15:52a lot of Bible stories,
00:15:53might not know any Bible stories.
00:15:55I won't put you on the spot,
00:15:55don't worry.
00:15:56I used to learn my lesson.
00:15:57One time I asked someone
00:15:58and they panicked
00:15:59and went,
00:15:59veggie tales.
00:16:04Which, hey,
00:16:05close enough,
00:16:06but it did make me laugh
00:16:07real hard.
00:16:07Just,
00:16:08who betrayed Jesus?
00:16:09Bob the tomato.
00:16:12I remember he bounced in like,
00:16:14you're gonna die, Jesus.
00:16:18I'm kidding.
00:16:19They didn't do it.
00:16:19No, they didn't do,
00:16:21they didn't do the crucifixion
00:16:22on veggie tales.
00:16:23They wouldn't do that.
00:16:24That's,
00:16:24that's crazy.
00:16:26That's way too dark.
00:16:26Also, no arms.
00:16:28So who's gonna,
00:16:28you know,
00:16:31who's gonna do the finale?
00:16:34What are they gonna do,
00:16:34put baby carrots on Larry?
00:16:36That's insane.
00:16:37We can't do that.
00:16:41I assume,
00:16:42even if you didn't grow up religious,
00:16:43you'd know like Noah's Ark.
00:16:45Most people know that one.
00:16:46That's our big one.
00:16:46It's on the cover
00:16:47of all of our coloring books.
00:16:49Yeah.
00:16:50It really is a testament
00:16:52to how fucked up
00:16:54the Bible is
00:16:55that we read Noah's Ark
00:16:57and we're like,
00:16:58that's the kid's story.
00:17:01That story is dark as hell.
00:17:03It's about God drowning
00:17:04all his kids
00:17:05because they were being annoying
00:17:06and we're like,
00:17:07yeah,
00:17:08that should be the mural
00:17:09in the nursery.
00:17:12Come here, little buddy.
00:17:14These are the animals
00:17:15he didn't drown.
00:17:16Oh,
00:17:17what a lucky horsey
00:17:20that got to go on the boat
00:17:22with one friend.
00:17:27It's the rainbow.
00:17:28I think they think
00:17:29the rainbow saves it.
00:17:30God sent Noah,
00:17:32who probably had some
00:17:32trust issues at that point.
00:17:34The rainbow has a promise
00:17:36to never flood the earth again,
00:17:38which I think
00:17:38is the darkest part
00:17:39of the story.
00:17:40Rainbow after a destructive flood.
00:17:42I mean,
00:17:42that's like buying someone
00:17:43a ring after you push them
00:17:44down the stairs.
00:17:45That's crazy.
00:17:46Every time I see a rainbow,
00:17:48I don't think of gay rights.
00:17:49I don't even think of rain.
00:17:50I just think of God going,
00:17:51I mean,
00:17:52I didn't kill
00:17:54everybody.
00:18:07Some people don't even realize
00:18:09Noah's Ark's from the Bible.
00:18:10I've asked people,
00:18:11oh, do you know any Bible stories?
00:18:12They go, not one.
00:18:13I go, what about Noah?
00:18:14They're like, well,
00:18:14I know that one.
00:18:15Like, that's how much
00:18:17Bible stories have like
00:18:19infiltrated pop culture.
00:18:20I have a friend who said
00:18:21they knew Prodigal Son.
00:18:22And I go, oh,
00:18:23you know the story?
00:18:23And they're like,
00:18:24oh, no,
00:18:24I just think there was
00:18:25like a show or something.
00:18:26I've heard the term, right?
00:18:28If you don't know
00:18:29the story of the Prodigal Son,
00:18:30it's a story that Jesus teaches,
00:18:32tells in the Bible
00:18:33to teach a lesson, right?
00:18:35So in the story,
00:18:37there's a rich dad
00:18:38and he's got two sons
00:18:39and the older son
00:18:39does everything right
00:18:40because he's the oldest.
00:18:41And the younger son is like,
00:18:43I want my money now.
00:18:45And the dad's like,
00:18:46okay, that's not how
00:18:47inheritance works.
00:18:47I'm fully alive,
00:18:48but here you go.
00:18:49So he gives the younger son
00:18:51his money.
00:18:51Then this piece of shit
00:18:53bucks right off.
00:18:54Did I mention
00:18:54I'm the oldest of four?
00:18:55This piece of shit
00:18:56bucks right off.
00:18:58And how do they put it?
00:18:59Squanders his wealth
00:19:01on wild living,
00:19:02which is Bible
00:19:03for blows it all
00:19:04on Bitcoin
00:19:04and lap dances.
00:19:07He then has the audacity
00:19:09to come back years later,
00:19:11like,
00:19:11sorry, dad.
00:19:13I lost all your money.
00:19:15I suck.
00:19:15Can I come back?
00:19:16And the older son
00:19:17was praying like,
00:19:18yeah, finally,
00:19:19finish him.
00:19:21And the dad goes,
00:19:24my baby's home.
00:19:26Oh my God,
00:19:27let's throw him
00:19:27a big party.
00:19:28I know all the oldest
00:19:29kids in here,
00:19:30we all have diarrhea
00:19:31right now.
00:19:32I know every oldest
00:19:33kid in here,
00:19:34your asshole went
00:19:34all the way
00:19:35inside your body.
00:19:36You're so upset.
00:19:37Just remember,
00:19:37these are people
00:19:38from the Bible.
00:19:38They can't hurt you.
00:19:39They've been dead
00:19:40a long time, okay?
00:19:41We're almost done.
00:19:42So the older son
00:19:44is obviously pissed.
00:19:45He's like,
00:19:45dad,
00:19:46I've done everything
00:19:47right my whole life
00:19:48and you've never
00:19:48even thrown me
00:19:49a small party.
00:19:50Look it up,
00:19:50he says that.
00:19:53And the dad is like,
00:19:54yeah, you're great.
00:19:56Love you.
00:19:58But your brother,
00:20:01he was lost
00:20:02and now he's found.
00:20:04So we celebrate.
00:20:05And if you ask a pastor
00:20:07what that story is about,
00:20:08they will tell you
00:20:09that it's about
00:20:09how you can go off
00:20:10and live in sin
00:20:10and lose your way
00:20:11spiritually,
00:20:12but you can always
00:20:13return to the Lord
00:20:13and he'll forgive you.
00:20:14And if you ask me
00:20:16what that story is about,
00:20:18I will tell you
00:20:19that it is about
00:20:19how Jesus
00:20:20was an only child.
00:20:33But because I grew up
00:20:34in church,
00:20:35I see Bible stories
00:20:35everywhere, right?
00:20:37Like, here's some fun ones.
00:20:38What about the
00:20:38200 foreskin story?
00:20:40Do we know that one?
00:20:41Huh?
00:20:41Yeah?
00:20:42That's a deep cut.
00:20:43So,
00:20:45in the Bible,
00:20:46David wanted to marry
00:20:47Saul's daughter
00:20:47and Saul's like,
00:20:48you can marry my daughter
00:20:49if you bring me back
00:20:50the foreskins
00:20:51of a hundred of my enemies.
00:20:52Which like,
00:20:53whoa, Scorpio,
00:20:54am I right?
00:20:55Who has a hundred enemies
00:20:57and is thinking
00:20:57about their foreskins?
00:20:58Like,
00:20:59someone was born
00:21:00in deep November.
00:21:02So Saul's like,
00:21:03give me a hundred foreskins
00:21:04and we'll talk.
00:21:05So David goes out,
00:21:06comes back
00:21:07with two hundred foreskins
00:21:09and that's where the phrase,
00:21:11if he wanted to,
00:21:12he would,
00:21:12ladies,
00:21:13comes from.
00:21:16That's not from TikTok,
00:21:17that's from the Bible.
00:21:20What about,
00:21:21uh,
00:21:21what about Job?
00:21:22Have we heard of Job?
00:21:23Job?
00:21:24Got some Job heads
00:21:25in the house?
00:21:26Job was this guy
00:21:27in the Bible.
00:21:27He loved God so much.
00:21:29One day,
00:21:29God and Satan
00:21:29are talking.
00:21:30They don't really get
00:21:31into why they're talking
00:21:32but,
00:21:33you know,
00:21:33sometimes you call your ex
00:21:34and everyone's like,
00:21:34what are you doing,
00:21:35right?
00:21:36So God and Satan
00:21:37are kicking it
00:21:38for some reason
00:21:38and Satan goes,
00:21:40hey God,
00:21:40I noticed that Job
00:21:41loves you a lot
00:21:42and God's like,
00:21:43yeah.
00:21:45And Satan's like,
00:21:46well I bet
00:21:47he wouldn't love you
00:21:48as much
00:21:48if I fucked with him enough
00:21:49and God's like,
00:21:52okay,
00:21:52I'm bored.
00:21:53Let's see what you got.
00:21:54So Satan goes out
00:21:55and he ruins Job's life
00:21:57but Job
00:21:59never forsakes God
00:22:01and that is what
00:22:02How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
00:22:03is based off of.
00:22:08Matthew McConaughey
00:22:09is Job.
00:22:11Kate Hudson
00:22:11is Satan.
00:22:18Is there anyone in here
00:22:19who grew up religious
00:22:20but is not religious anymore?
00:22:25You're at the right show.
00:22:27All right,
00:22:28of those people
00:22:28who saved people
00:22:29who spread the good news
00:22:30while they were religious.
00:22:32Ooh,
00:22:32bit of a drop off there.
00:22:34That's tough.
00:22:35A lot of us
00:22:35didn't do the homework.
00:22:37You save people
00:22:38while you're religious
00:22:39but you're not religious anymore.
00:22:41Okay.
00:22:42Do you ever feel,
00:22:43serious question,
00:22:44do you ever feel like
00:22:45maybe you should like
00:22:46call those people?
00:22:49Just a courtesy call.
00:22:50Like, hey,
00:22:51remember what I told you
00:22:51about forever?
00:22:52Ugh.
00:22:53I don't know.
00:22:54What if those people
00:22:55get up to heaven
00:22:55and they're like,
00:22:56look,
00:22:56your sponsor's not in there.
00:22:58So,
00:22:59we didn't know you were coming.
00:23:01I don't know.
00:23:01Are you sure?
00:23:02Maybe they holy ghosted you.
00:23:04We're sorry.
00:23:05For real though,
00:23:05you gotta go to hell.
00:23:06We're sorry about that.
00:23:09I never saved anybody
00:23:10at all.
00:23:11I was talking to someone
00:23:12who grew up Mormon.
00:23:12I was like,
00:23:13well,
00:23:13you guys were really
00:23:14saving people.
00:23:14And he was like,
00:23:15oh yeah,
00:23:15baptism for the dead.
00:23:17You guys know what that is?
00:23:17I didn't know.
00:23:19Apparently,
00:23:19in Mormonism,
00:23:20sometimes they will save people
00:23:22after they've died,
00:23:23which really takes the pressure
00:23:25off of saving live people,
00:23:27doesn't it?
00:23:28When you can just go,
00:23:29hey,
00:23:29do you believe in God?
00:23:30And they're like,
00:23:30no.
00:23:31And you're like,
00:23:31that's okay.
00:23:32We'll wait.
00:23:36And then as soon as they're dead,
00:23:37you're like,
00:23:37bibbidi-boppidi-Mormon.
00:23:45This is how you get a soul
00:23:46to heaven, right?
00:23:48Like you're trying to get
00:23:49poop smell out of your
00:23:49hinge date's bathroom.
00:23:52If you're not laughing,
00:23:53you're married,
00:23:53and fuck you,
00:23:54this joke's not for you.
00:23:57Enjoy shitting with the door open.
00:23:58Some of us have to carry matches
00:23:59everywhere.
00:24:03My biggest issue with church
00:24:05wasn't that they wanted us
00:24:06to save people.
00:24:07It's that they wouldn't let you
00:24:08make a good point, right?
00:24:11Anytime you were growing up
00:24:12in church,
00:24:12you were like,
00:24:12well, you have to admit,
00:24:13it was pretty messed up
00:24:14when God did this in the Bible.
00:24:15They'd be like,
00:24:16well, that was the Old Testament,
00:24:17you know?
00:24:17That was before God
00:24:19stopped drinking.
00:24:20Like, that was a different guy.
00:24:21Yeah, he's kind of a fuckboy
00:24:22back there,
00:24:23and then he had a kid,
00:24:24and he's like,
00:24:24I'm different now, you know?
00:24:25He's like,
00:24:26he's like,
00:24:27I was in a fraternity.
00:24:28Of course I was drowning people.
00:24:30Like, it's people change.
00:24:33Anytime you had
00:24:34an unanswerable question
00:24:35at church,
00:24:35they always said
00:24:36the same thing.
00:24:36They'd go,
00:24:37that's a great question,
00:24:39and we can ask God that
00:24:41when we get to heaven.
00:24:45Which, like,
00:24:45if you were God,
00:24:47how pissed would you be
00:24:49that they were sending people
00:24:50up to heaven like that
00:24:51with a bunch of questions
00:24:52for you?
00:24:52You're God.
00:24:53You made everything
00:24:53and everyone.
00:24:54You probably just want
00:24:55to do the ta-da heaven part,
00:24:57and now every time
00:24:58someone dies,
00:24:59you have to do a
00:25:01press conference?
00:25:03Every time someone dies,
00:25:05you're like,
00:25:05hey, welcome to heaven.
00:25:06They're like,
00:25:07okay, but first, God,
00:25:07when a kid dies, right,
00:25:08and they didn't say the prayer
00:25:09and they didn't get saved,
00:25:10that's an automatic heaven,
00:25:11right, God?
00:25:11You wouldn't send a kid to hell,
00:25:12right, God?
00:25:12Right, God?
00:25:13Right, God?
00:25:13Right, God?
00:25:15And God's like,
00:25:16fucking,
00:25:17we're...
00:25:24Seriously, dude,
00:25:24you're in heaven, bitch.
00:25:26Do you go to Disneyland?
00:25:27Like, hope all the workers
00:25:28get benefits.
00:25:28Like, shut up!
00:25:32You are a killjoy!
00:25:35Yes, the kids are in heaven.
00:25:37We muted the kids
00:25:38so we could all enjoy heaven,
00:25:39but yes!
00:25:45That's a dark one.
00:25:46I know,
00:25:46that's a dark one.
00:25:47I have a dark sense of humor,
00:25:49partially because
00:25:49I grew up in church.
00:25:50Church is a dark place.
00:25:51Every Sunday,
00:25:52you go to a big room
00:25:53where the underlying message is,
00:25:54won't it be great
00:25:55when we all get to be dead
00:25:56with daddy?
00:25:57That's church.
00:25:59Can't wait to be dead
00:26:00with dada.
00:26:01That's church.
00:26:03But I can't blame church entirely.
00:26:05I also,
00:26:05I had a parent die
00:26:06really young,
00:26:07so my siblings and I
00:26:08all have really dark
00:26:09senses of humor, right?
00:26:11Like, I was talking
00:26:11to my younger sibling,
00:26:12Bryn, recently,
00:26:13because you know how
00:26:13you and your siblings
00:26:14all remember
00:26:14different parts
00:26:15of your childhood?
00:26:17So sometimes you get together
00:26:18and you're like,
00:26:18all right,
00:26:18here's what I remember.
00:26:19What have you got?
00:26:20Okay, let's put this
00:26:22all out on the table
00:26:23and figure out
00:26:24what the fuck happened
00:26:25to us back there.
00:26:27So we were having
00:26:27a puzzle day at home.
00:26:30And I said,
00:26:31do you remember
00:26:31that hospice grief support group
00:26:33we got sent to
00:26:34for kids whose parents
00:26:36had died of cancer?
00:26:37And Bryn goes,
00:26:38oh yeah,
00:26:39do you remember
00:26:39how not everybody's parents
00:26:41were dead yet?
00:26:43Yes, some of them
00:26:44still had active,
00:26:46I'm just saying,
00:26:47feels like they could've
00:26:48put us in different rooms,
00:26:49right?
00:26:50Maybe do a shirts
00:26:51and skins situation.
00:26:53But no,
00:26:54they were like,
00:26:55Christmas present,
00:26:56Christmas future,
00:26:57discuss.
00:27:00Something's coming
00:27:01around the mountain,
00:27:02you know what it is.
00:27:07That's not what I remembered
00:27:08about the group.
00:27:08What I remembered
00:27:09about the group
00:27:10is there was one kid
00:27:11in there whose parent
00:27:12hadn't died,
00:27:13his uncle had died.
00:27:15And, um,
00:27:16look,
00:27:19I don't want to be a bitch,
00:27:22but like,
00:27:22our mom was dead.
00:27:26And it just kind of feels like
00:27:34paper covers uncle.
00:27:35You know what I mean?
00:27:36Like,
00:27:37I'm just saying,
00:27:38like, this kid had parents.
00:27:39he wasn't Spider-Man.
00:27:40Like,
00:27:41some losses affect
00:27:42who you are
00:27:43for the rest of your life
00:27:44and some
00:27:44are your uncle.
00:27:46Like,
00:27:46what are we?
00:27:48I do think
00:27:48when you have a parent
00:27:49die young,
00:27:50you tend to think about death
00:27:51a lot more than other people.
00:27:52I certainly do.
00:27:53I tend to jump
00:27:54to the worst possible scenario.
00:27:57I catastrophize constantly,
00:27:59much to the detriment
00:27:59of many of my relationships.
00:28:01I was dating a guy once
00:28:02and I said,
00:28:03hey, babe,
00:28:04when you don't hear back
00:28:05from me for a few hours,
00:28:06do you ever get scared
00:28:07that something bad
00:28:08might have happened to me?
00:28:09And he goes,
00:28:10no.
00:28:12I get scared
00:28:13you're mad at me.
00:28:17Men would rather
00:28:18you be dead
00:28:19than mad at them.
00:28:21Men would rather
00:28:22be in mourning
00:28:23than in trouble.
00:28:24That's the truth.
00:28:25If a guy misses
00:28:26five calls from his wife,
00:28:28he's like,
00:28:28oh,
00:28:28I hope this is
00:28:29the paramedic
00:28:30who found her.
00:28:36I also wish
00:28:37that joke didn't work.
00:28:40You know what's
00:28:41so funny to me
00:28:42about men
00:28:43who kill their wives?
00:28:44What?
00:28:45Well, just wait.
00:28:46What's so funny to me
00:28:47about men
00:28:48who kill their wives
00:28:48is like,
00:28:49they think they're
00:28:50going to get away with it
00:28:51and it's like,
00:28:52dude,
00:28:52you've never planned
00:28:54a goddamn thing
00:28:58in your whole life.
00:29:02You've never made
00:29:03a dinner reservation
00:29:05and now you're
00:29:06going to hide a body?
00:29:09This is quite
00:29:10the maiden voyage
00:29:11for event planning, dude.
00:29:13Maybe start
00:29:14with a potluck.
00:29:18I do think
00:29:19I've spent a lot
00:29:20of my life
00:29:20being really scared
00:29:21of death.
00:29:22You know,
00:29:22anytime I wasn't
00:29:23actively yearning for it,
00:29:24of course.
00:29:25Oh, good.
00:29:26I had some depression
00:29:26in the room.
00:29:27Thank God.
00:29:28I did that joke
00:29:29in Sweden.
00:29:29They just stared at me.
00:29:30They were like,
00:29:31huh?
00:29:31Sad for no reason.
00:29:33But how?
00:29:33They didn't get it.
00:29:36A lot of this hour
00:29:37Europe didn't get.
00:29:38They were like,
00:29:39God,
00:29:40we have healthcare.
00:29:41They give you God
00:29:41instead of healthcare?
00:29:44That doesn't seem
00:29:44like the same thing.
00:29:47If you have depression,
00:29:48you have a pretty
00:29:50complicated relationship
00:29:51with death.
00:29:51You sort of look at death
00:29:52like it's the phantom
00:29:53of the opera.
00:29:54Most of the time,
00:29:55you're like,
00:29:56oh, that's scary.
00:29:57But then sometimes
00:29:57you're like,
00:29:58I mean,
00:29:58that side of his face
00:29:59is kind of hot.
00:30:03Hear me out.
00:30:04I could live underground.
00:30:05I don't know.
00:30:07This section is sad.
00:30:11I've been trying
00:30:12to face my fear
00:30:13of death head on
00:30:14this past year.
00:30:15I wrote a will
00:30:15because a lot
00:30:16of my friends
00:30:16were getting married
00:30:17and I was like,
00:30:17I want to sign
00:30:18a scary document.
00:30:21I learned so much.
00:30:22If you don't have
00:30:23a will,
00:30:23you got to write one
00:30:24with a professional.
00:30:25That panicked note
00:30:26you write on your phone
00:30:27during turbulence,
00:30:28that will not hold up
00:30:28in court.
00:30:29They taught me that.
00:30:30I thought for sure
00:30:31that was fine.
00:30:31Nope.
00:30:32Here's what I learned.
00:30:33I did not know this.
00:30:34If you die unexpectedly,
00:30:36your closest living relatives
00:30:37are your parents,
00:30:39not your siblings,
00:30:39which is what I thought
00:30:40because I'm dumb.
00:30:41So if you die unexpectedly,
00:30:43your parents will inherit
00:30:44everything you own
00:30:45unless you disinherit
00:30:47them in writing
00:30:47like the petty bitch
00:30:48you are, right?
00:30:51And I know some of you
00:30:52are sitting there right now
00:30:53going, well, whatever.
00:30:54I don't have a good relationship
00:30:55with my parents, Taylor,
00:30:56but I don't really have
00:30:57anything for them
00:30:58to inherit.
00:30:59Do you have a TV?
00:31:03Do you think
00:31:04your shitty dad
00:31:06deserves
00:31:07an extra TV?
00:31:11You think your death
00:31:12should feel like winning
00:31:13the price is right for him?
00:31:14Fuck that.
00:31:15Call a lawyer.
00:31:27But I had to make
00:31:28a lot of decisions
00:31:29when I wrote my will.
00:31:30I had to choose
00:31:32who was going to pull the plug
00:31:32if I'm in a coma.
00:31:33So I picked my sibling Bryn
00:31:34because they are going to
00:31:35inherit my money if I die.
00:31:37And I was like,
00:31:38earn it, dude, right?
00:31:40I go, you decide
00:31:41when that money drops.
00:31:43And they were like,
00:31:44okay, well,
00:31:44if you're in a coma
00:31:45and not responding to anything,
00:31:46what do you want me to do?
00:31:48How long do you want me to wait?
00:31:48And I was like,
00:31:49here's what I want you to do.
00:31:50I want you to start
00:31:51Parks and Rec
00:31:52from the beginning.
00:31:54And I want you to keep it playing
00:31:55all day,
00:31:56all night in my hospital room.
00:31:58If we get
00:31:59to the end of that show
00:32:01and I have not woken up yet,
00:32:04start the office.
00:32:07and then when Steve Carell leaves,
00:32:09just kill me.
00:32:11Don't.
00:32:12Do not make me watch
00:32:13Andy B. Manager.
00:32:14Don't do that to me again.
00:32:18Don't do that.
00:32:24I had to decide
00:32:25what I want to happen
00:32:26to my remains
00:32:26when I'm gone.
00:32:27Have you guys decided
00:32:28what you want to happen
00:32:29to your bodies
00:32:30when you're gone?
00:32:30Yeah?
00:32:31Well, what are we going to do?
00:32:32A tree pod.
00:32:33Well, a tree pod?
00:32:35Yeah?
00:32:35That's nice.
00:32:36I like that you say tree pod
00:32:37because every once in a while
00:32:37you get a girl
00:32:38who's like,
00:32:38I'm going to be a tree
00:32:39and you have to explain to her
00:32:40like, oh, sweetie,
00:32:41you don't get to be the tree.
00:32:44You're tree food.
00:32:45You're helping the tree.
00:32:45You're sort of like
00:32:46a pageant mom to the tree.
00:32:48Like, go, baby, go.
00:32:50Be what I cannot, right?
00:32:53Tree pod's great.
00:32:54What else we got?
00:32:56Someone said, what?
00:32:58Donating to science.
00:32:59What part of science?
00:33:00What area of science
00:33:01are we thinking?
00:33:03Oh, okay.
00:33:04You have a medical school
00:33:04picked out,
00:33:05but not like a specific
00:33:06area of science,
00:33:07not like keep it all
00:33:09above the net.
00:33:09I'm just saying,
00:33:10do we trust
00:33:12a bunch of college kids
00:33:15with our dead bodies?
00:33:17Do we feel like
00:33:18here's a dead mess of holes,
00:33:19you decide what science is.
00:33:21I'm not sure about that.
00:33:23I just leave
00:33:24specific instructions.
00:33:25That's my only thing.
00:33:26Is anyone getting cremated?
00:33:28Yeah?
00:33:28Okay.
00:33:29Okay.
00:33:29I hope you have a plan
00:33:30for where you want
00:33:31those ashes spread
00:33:32because sometimes
00:33:32people go,
00:33:33I don't know.
00:33:33And it's like,
00:33:34you are going to end up
00:33:35somewhere weird
00:33:36if you don't,
00:33:37your ashes are going
00:33:38to end up in like
00:33:39the cup holder
00:33:40in your driver's side door.
00:33:42You know that weird one
00:33:43where every six months
00:33:44you're like,
00:33:44was that an oat milk latte
00:33:46once?
00:33:47Like that's,
00:33:48the best answer
00:33:48I got recently,
00:33:49a guy yelled out,
00:33:50Viking funeral.
00:33:53Yeah.
00:33:54Some guy in the crowd
00:33:55just yelled out,
00:33:56Viking funeral.
00:33:57And I was like,
00:33:57like, okay,
00:33:58I mean,
00:33:58that's cool
00:33:59if you want that,
00:34:00but I hope you have
00:34:00a niece or nephew
00:34:01that you're sending
00:34:01to summer camp
00:34:02that can make that shot
00:34:04because that's a hard
00:34:06shot to make.
00:34:07The boat gets smaller
00:34:08and smaller
00:34:08the further away
00:34:09it gets.
00:34:10And if they miss,
00:34:11that's not a Viking
00:34:11funeral anymore.
00:34:12That's just a dead
00:34:13guy in a boat.
00:34:16And that is not
00:34:17as festive,
00:34:18is it?
00:34:18That's stand by me too.
00:34:23I'd like to be
00:34:24cremated personally
00:34:25because I like
00:34:26that you can
00:34:26inconvenience your
00:34:27family after you're
00:34:28gone.
00:34:29That's fun for me
00:34:29because who's going
00:34:30to say no
00:34:31to taking your
00:34:32ashes home
00:34:32first off?
00:34:33Like, oh,
00:34:34I couldn't possibly,
00:34:35there's no,
00:34:35there's no room
00:34:36at my house.
00:34:37We're,
00:34:38we're full up
00:34:39on haunted cups.
00:34:40Like, nice try.
00:34:42Take me home.
00:34:42I'm so small.
00:34:43Right?
00:34:44And then if you
00:34:45want your family
00:34:46to spread you somewhere,
00:34:47depending on how you
00:34:47feel about your family,
00:34:48that's where you
00:34:49send them.
00:34:49right?
00:34:50So if you love
00:34:51your family,
00:34:51you're like,
00:34:52I'd like you to
00:34:52spread me in Hawaii
00:34:53over seven days
00:34:54of PTO.
00:34:56That's what I'd like.
00:34:58Love you guys.
00:34:58Miss you.
00:34:59And then if you
00:34:59don't like your family,
00:35:00you can be like,
00:35:01have you been to
00:35:02Toledo?
00:35:10In January?
00:35:12Actually, no,
00:35:13no, I want you
00:35:14to do it right
00:35:15between Christmas
00:35:15and New Year's.
00:35:19My mom was cremated
00:35:21and after my mom died,
00:35:23my dad got remarried
00:35:24and when my dad
00:35:25got remarried,
00:35:25he gave my mom's ashes
00:35:26to my grandma
00:35:27because return to sender,
00:35:29I guess.
00:35:31You're right.
00:35:32I am so sorry.
00:35:33Return to manufacturer.
00:35:34That's what it is.
00:35:36And his reasoning was,
00:35:38he was like,
00:35:38look,
00:35:38I'm getting remarried
00:35:39and I just,
00:35:39I can't take these
00:35:41into another woman's home.
00:35:42and as his daughter,
00:35:43I was like,
00:35:44yes, you can.
00:35:46But as an adult woman now,
00:35:48I'm like,
00:35:48oh, no, you can't.
00:35:50I've dated straight men.
00:35:52I don't like it
00:35:52when they follow
00:35:53their exes on Instagram.
00:35:54You're telling me
00:35:54if he brought
00:35:55a little baggie
00:35:56of her bones inside
00:35:58and was like,
00:35:59this lives under the TV
00:36:00forever.
00:36:01I'd be like,
00:36:02cool, love that there.
00:36:03No, I'd be passive-aggressive
00:36:04at best.
00:36:05I would probably flush
00:36:06a teaspoon of her
00:36:07every day.
00:36:29Until one day
00:36:30he picked it up
00:36:30and was like,
00:36:31the urn feels lighter.
00:36:32I'm like,
00:36:32maybe she lost weight.
00:36:34not you body-shaming
00:36:36the urn, babe.
00:36:38You know what's funny
00:36:39about that joke?
00:36:40I don't even really
00:36:40feel that way anymore.
00:36:42I think a younger version
00:36:43of me felt that way.
00:36:44When you're single
00:36:44in your 30s,
00:36:45you don't care about so much.
00:36:47You kind of just want someone
00:36:48who's not gonna bug you.
00:36:50That's really,
00:36:51in my 20s,
00:36:51I was so insecure,
00:36:52so toxic.
00:36:53I was like,
00:36:53I need to be someone's
00:36:54first and only true love,
00:36:56their one and only wife.
00:36:57I need to be with someone
00:36:58who does not watch pornography.
00:37:00And now I'm like,
00:37:01you can jerk off
00:37:01to your dead wife
00:37:02if you want.
00:37:02I don't care.
00:37:04You want to put her bones
00:37:06under the TV?
00:37:07Is the TV playing my show?
00:37:09Then that's great.
00:37:11You put as many bitches
00:37:12up there as you want.
00:37:13We'll watch Love is Blind
00:37:14as a family.
00:37:23I told my buddy Dustin that
00:37:24and he goes,
00:37:25what if you married a guy
00:37:26who was still in love
00:37:27with his dead wife?
00:37:29And I was like,
00:37:29she's not coming back.
00:37:31What do I?
00:37:32That's his thing
00:37:33to deal with.
00:37:34You know,
00:37:34lock yourself in the bathroom,
00:37:36smell her shirts,
00:37:36cry it out.
00:37:37But we're going to Chili's
00:37:38at five.
00:37:41And the coupon's for two,
00:37:43not three.
00:37:44So,
00:37:45get it all out
00:37:46of your system,
00:37:47babe.
00:37:47Hell,
00:37:47jerk off into the urn
00:37:49if you want.
00:37:50Hey,
00:37:50when life gives you lemons,
00:37:52make cement
00:37:52or whatever.
00:37:55It's romantic.
00:37:57She can swallow
00:37:58one last time.
00:38:08Shame on you
00:38:09for laughing at that.
00:38:15I do think my fear
00:38:16of death
00:38:17has propelled me
00:38:18professionally.
00:38:19It's made me sort
00:38:20of a workaholic,
00:38:21probably.
00:38:22I was doing two
00:38:22full-time jobs
00:38:23for the last couple
00:38:24of years.
00:38:25I was touring,
00:38:25doing stand-up
00:38:26on the weekends
00:38:26and then I was hosting
00:38:27a late-night show
00:38:28called After Midnight
00:38:29during the week.
00:38:30Oh,
00:38:30thank you.
00:38:32Thank you.
00:38:33That's very nice.
00:38:35Great experience,
00:38:36learned so much,
00:38:37worked with great people.
00:38:38I had an assistant on set
00:38:39which I initially
00:38:40did not want.
00:38:41It is a slippery slope
00:38:42having someone
00:38:43whose whole job
00:38:43is to fetch you snacks,
00:38:45okay?
00:38:46Because day one,
00:38:46you're like,
00:38:47could I borrow
00:38:47a phone charger?
00:38:48Next thing you know,
00:38:48you're like,
00:38:49could I just grab a LaCroix
00:38:50before you know it?
00:38:50You're like,
00:38:51could you just hold
00:38:51both my hands
00:38:52until I fall asleep?
00:38:55My assistant's name
00:38:56was Molly.
00:38:57Molly was incredible.
00:38:58Molly was so good
00:38:58at her job,
00:38:59I'm definitely
00:39:00going to die alone now
00:39:01because the standard
00:39:02of care in relationships
00:39:03is now Molly,
00:39:05all right?
00:39:06Here's how good
00:39:07Molly was at her job.
00:39:07My first day
00:39:08on the Paramount lot,
00:39:09I drive under the lot,
00:39:10I park in a reserved
00:39:11parking spot for me
00:39:12and there's a big bush
00:39:13that's sort of growing in
00:39:14to the driver's side door,
00:39:15right?
00:39:16Nothing crazy,
00:39:16just enough to make it
00:39:17kind of hard to like,
00:39:18oh, shimmy out,
00:39:19right?
00:39:19There's a few bees
00:39:20buzzing around
00:39:20so I kind of did
00:39:21one of those
00:39:22before I was like,
00:39:23hey, nice to meet you Molly.
00:39:24That's all that happened.
00:39:25I didn't complain
00:39:27about the bush,
00:39:27I didn't report
00:39:28the bush to anyone.
00:39:29Molly just witnessed
00:39:30the bush touch me
00:39:32a little.
00:39:34I drive under the lot
00:39:35the next day,
00:39:36park in my spot
00:39:38and the bush
00:39:39was gone
00:39:42and I went,
00:39:43Molly,
00:39:44did you have them
00:39:45cut down
00:39:46this bush?
00:39:47And she goes,
00:39:48yep,
00:39:48and I had them
00:39:49spray for bees.
00:39:55And I went,
00:39:56okay,
00:39:57no one fuck
00:39:58with Molly.
00:40:00She had that bush
00:40:01whacked,
00:40:02literally.
00:40:03I couldn't talk
00:40:04casual shit around her.
00:40:05I didn't know
00:40:06what she would do.
00:40:07I couldn't come in
00:40:09on a Tuesday like,
00:40:10Dave's kind of
00:40:10bugging me today
00:40:11because I'd come in
00:40:12Wednesday like,
00:40:13hey,
00:40:14where's Dave?
00:40:16He's with the bees,
00:40:17Taylor.
00:40:19Taylor.
00:40:28You flinched in his
00:40:29presence,
00:40:30so I took care of it.
00:40:33It's my first time
00:40:34I'd ever had a corporate
00:40:34job,
00:40:35so I got HR training.
00:40:36I've never had that
00:40:37before.
00:40:37There's no HR
00:40:38in stand-up comedy.
00:40:39It's the opposite,
00:40:40in fact.
00:40:40They're like,
00:40:41are you harassing people?
00:40:42Great job,
00:40:42start a podcast.
00:40:45It was fun,
00:40:46that HR training.
00:40:47I learned a lot.
00:40:47Did you know we're
00:40:48allowed to fuck
00:40:49people at work?
00:40:50Did you know that?
00:40:51Well, people from work,
00:40:52you gotta take them
00:40:52somewhere else,
00:40:53but I thought everyone
00:40:55at work was off-limits
00:40:57romantically.
00:40:57Now, according to Jill
00:40:58from HR,
00:40:59she's like,
00:41:00no, you can date.
00:41:01You just have to tell us
00:41:02if you are,
00:41:02and I go,
00:41:03oh, because then
00:41:03you'll tell our,
00:41:03like, higher-up bosses,
00:41:05and then now she goes,
00:41:06no, you just have to
00:41:06tell us,
00:41:07and I was like,
00:41:08who are these sick
00:41:09little freaks in HR
00:41:11who are like,
00:41:11no, you can fuck
00:41:12each other.
00:41:13You just have to
00:41:13tell us everything.
00:41:16Was it good?
00:41:17Do you have photos
00:41:17for the PowerPoint?
00:41:19That PowerPoint was fun.
00:41:21The one where they go
00:41:21through all the
00:41:21different scenarios,
00:41:22ask you,
00:41:22is this appropriate
00:41:23or inappropriate?
00:41:24Spoiler alert,
00:41:25they're all inappropriate.
00:41:26I didn't know that.
00:41:27I thought they were
00:41:27supposed to inspire
00:41:29conversation and debate.
00:41:30No, they're all
00:41:30pretty clear thumbs down
00:41:32if you know
00:41:32what you're doing.
00:41:33I had my own
00:41:34private HR training,
00:41:35probably because they knew
00:41:35I was the weakest link
00:41:36on set.
00:41:37So they did it
00:41:38during my hair and makeup.
00:41:39So it was me,
00:41:40Deb, and Havana
00:41:40who did my hair and makeup
00:41:41for the show.
00:41:42Jill is going through
00:41:42all the different scenarios,
00:41:43right?
00:41:44She goes,
00:41:44all right,
00:41:44scenario number one,
00:41:45and Kyle tells Sharon
00:41:47on her birthday,
00:41:48doesn't matter how old
00:41:49you get,
00:41:49I would still be down.
00:41:51And he wings at her.
00:41:52Is that appropriate?
00:41:54And we were like,
00:41:55do you have a picture
00:41:57of Kyle?
00:42:04Is it the next slide?
00:42:06How tall is Kyle?
00:42:06What's he smell like?
00:42:07What's he working with?
00:42:08How old's Sharon?
00:42:09Is she ovulating?
00:42:10We don't have enough
00:42:10information to answer
00:42:13the prompt, Jill.
00:42:16My favorite thing
00:42:17about being on
00:42:18a network TV show
00:42:19is that they would
00:42:19bleep all the bad words
00:42:20and cut some of
00:42:21the more raunchy stuff,
00:42:23which means that
00:42:24my religious grandparents
00:42:25could watch the show
00:42:25and it wouldn't hurt
00:42:26their ears as much
00:42:27as my stand-up does.
00:42:29Not to say that
00:42:30my grandparents
00:42:30aren't supportive.
00:42:31They really are.
00:42:33I think that
00:42:34they're doing
00:42:35a really good job
00:42:36trying to understand
00:42:37where their liberal,
00:42:38agnostic grandkids
00:42:38are coming from.
00:42:39I can't stand it
00:42:40when people are too hard
00:42:41on their grandparents.
00:42:42If your grandparents
00:42:43are trying
00:42:43to understand you,
00:42:45you gotta give them
00:42:46some grace
00:42:46if they mess up
00:42:47here and there
00:42:48terms-wise.
00:42:48When people are like,
00:42:49oh, well, my grandma
00:42:50cannot remember
00:42:51my pronouns.
00:42:51I'm like,
00:42:52does your grandma
00:42:52remember her address?
00:42:55Grandma's got bigger
00:42:56fish to fry.
00:42:57The light is coming.
00:42:58Also, do you know
00:42:59how old your grandma is?
00:43:00I don't.
00:43:01Mine's been 62
00:43:01for 40 years.
00:43:04Also, you're taking
00:43:05more pictures
00:43:06of your grandparents
00:43:07than you ever have before
00:43:08and they've gotta know why
00:43:09and that can't feel good.
00:43:20My grandparents
00:43:20were the best example
00:43:22I have in my life
00:43:23of Christianity done right.
00:43:24They're very loving,
00:43:26forgiving,
00:43:27nonjudgmental people,
00:43:28but my siblings
00:43:28and I are all agnostic
00:43:29because we didn't grow up
00:43:30with that type of Christianity.
00:43:31We grew up in our
00:43:32scary Christian house
00:43:33and when you grow up
00:43:34with something
00:43:34that hurts you as a kid,
00:43:36you don't really want it
00:43:36in your Barbie dream house
00:43:38as a grown-up, right?
00:43:39I also don't wear belts
00:43:40or use wooden spoons.
00:43:42That's not a coincidence, okay?
00:43:44Oh, thank God.
00:43:44We were all lightly abused.
00:43:46I, again,
00:43:48did that joke in Sweden,
00:43:49thought they were
00:43:49gonna call somebody.
00:43:51It was, I,
00:43:52there's nothing worse
00:43:54than admitting
00:43:54to a room full of people
00:43:55that you got hit
00:43:56when they got tucked in
00:43:57at night.
00:43:57It is humiliating.
00:44:01No, I don't keep anything
00:44:02in my house
00:44:02that hurt me as a kid.
00:44:03No Bibles, no belts,
00:44:04no bridge to Terabithia.
00:44:06Yeah.
00:44:14I'm hoping the author
00:44:15sees this
00:44:16and writes me
00:44:16a personalized apology.
00:44:21I do think that
00:44:22when you grow up
00:44:24in a scary religious environment,
00:44:26you spend a lot
00:44:27of your young adulthood
00:44:29untangling who you are
00:44:30from who they wanted you to be.
00:44:32Like, I just came out as queer
00:44:34in the last couple of years.
00:44:35Oh, thank you.
00:44:38Thank you.
00:44:39That's,
00:44:40that's really nice of you.
00:44:42Because let me tell you,
00:44:43coming out as bisexual
00:44:44at 30 feels like
00:44:45saying to a waiter,
00:44:46by the way,
00:44:46it's my birthday.
00:44:50They're like,
00:44:50cool, sing to yourself.
00:44:52You're a grown woman, so.
00:44:53You're like, excuse me,
00:44:54I was very brave.
00:44:55I just came out.
00:44:56They're like, yeah,
00:44:57but the coast was clear,
00:44:58wasn't it, babe?
00:44:58Like,
00:45:00I would have come out sooner,
00:45:01but I have three younger siblings
00:45:02and they're all queer
00:45:03and they kept coming out.
00:45:04They just kept popping out
00:45:06like little groundhogs
00:45:07and every time
00:45:08another one popped out,
00:45:09I was like,
00:45:09well, that's six more months
00:45:10of heterosexuality for me,
00:45:12I guess.
00:45:14I was also hesitant
00:45:15to come out as bisexual
00:45:16because there's a stigma
00:45:17around it, right?
00:45:18When you say you're bisexual,
00:45:20a lot of people assume
00:45:20that you are good at sex
00:45:23and I'm not, guys.
00:45:24And I refuse to get better.
00:45:26All right?
00:45:27I'm not learning
00:45:28any more tricks, okay?
00:45:30I turned 30,
00:45:30I was like,
00:45:31shut it down.
00:45:32As Jesus said,
00:45:34it is finished.
00:45:36I'm hitting save progress,
00:45:38I'm gonna die on this level.
00:45:41But I didn't want to tarnish
00:45:42the brand of bisexuality.
00:45:44I didn't want to bring down the team.
00:45:46I have so many queer friends
00:45:47who are so open and free
00:45:50with their sexualities.
00:45:51It's like, oh, it's so fun.
00:45:52I have so many, like,
00:45:53Samanthas in my friend group
00:45:55and they're so fun and inspiring.
00:45:57But I also think
00:45:58we need some gay prude representation
00:46:00as well.
00:46:01I think we need more gay prudes
00:46:03to stand up and go,
00:46:04I too am bisexual.
00:46:06I'm attracted to all of you
00:46:07and I trust no one.
00:46:17I would,
00:46:18but I will not.
00:46:20It's also scary
00:46:21to say you're bisexual
00:46:22for the same reason
00:46:22it's scary to say you're suicidal.
00:46:24There's always gonna be people
00:46:25who are like,
00:46:26if you don't go all the way,
00:46:27you just want attention.
00:46:35You know who likes that joke?
00:46:36Queer people.
00:46:37Queer people get that joke?
00:46:38Straight people are like,
00:46:39oh my God,
00:46:40there was so many sad words.
00:46:43Which is fair.
00:46:44You're right.
00:46:46No offense, straight guys.
00:46:47I have to say,
00:46:48I am so glad
00:46:49that straight men
00:46:50are not my only option anymore.
00:46:51That was bleak.
00:46:52That was tough.
00:46:53And it's not
00:46:54because you're bad people.
00:46:55You're just so hard
00:46:56to communicate with.
00:46:57I mean,
00:46:58and I tried.
00:46:59I've been to couples therapy
00:47:00with a lot of dudes.
00:47:01Never been married.
00:47:02That's embarrassing.
00:47:04You know how embarrassing
00:47:05it is to break up
00:47:06with someone
00:47:06you've been to couples therapy with?
00:47:08You just have to live
00:47:09the rest of your life
00:47:10with all this useless information
00:47:11about some dude's childhood.
00:47:13You're like,
00:47:14cool,
00:47:14guess I'll just go
00:47:15the rest of my days
00:47:16knowing what triggers Michael.
00:47:18That sucks.
00:47:21I also couldn't get
00:47:22on the same page
00:47:23with a lot of my boyfriends
00:47:24about our future.
00:47:26Like,
00:47:26I used to only want to adopt
00:47:28if I was going to have kids.
00:47:29And every straight guy
00:47:30I ever dated was like,
00:47:31no,
00:47:31it's going to look like me
00:47:32or I'll eat it.
00:47:33Every guy.
00:47:35Which,
00:47:35hey,
00:47:35I've never been a father.
00:47:36Maybe that's true.
00:47:37Right?
00:47:38I had one boyfriend
00:47:39who said he would use a surrogate.
00:47:41He was open to that idea,
00:47:42which I do love
00:47:43the idea of a surrogate.
00:47:44What a power move
00:47:45to be like,
00:47:45can you just hold this
00:47:46for nine months?
00:47:47I'm,
00:47:48so busy.
00:47:49I'm getting a call.
00:47:49Don't eat fish.
00:47:52You breeze back in
00:47:53nine months later.
00:47:54Their guts are everywhere.
00:47:55You have a blowout.
00:47:55You're like,
00:47:56thank you so much.
00:47:58Thank you.
00:47:59Hey,
00:47:59hey,
00:48:00you're glowing.
00:48:01You're brave.
00:48:01Money's on the night.
00:48:02Stand five stars.
00:48:03Bye.
00:48:12You're like,
00:48:12that was a lot.
00:48:13I'm going to do
00:48:14no contact delivery
00:48:15next time.
00:48:16Yeah,
00:48:17no,
00:48:17you're at the right place.
00:48:18Just leave it on the porch,
00:48:19take a picture,
00:48:19I'll come get it
00:48:20when you're gone.
00:48:22No,
00:48:22you're at the right house.
00:48:23I just,
00:48:23look,
00:48:24if I was an extrovert,
00:48:24I would have had it myself.
00:48:26So.
00:48:28I'm not sure
00:48:28if I want kids now.
00:48:30I go back and forth
00:48:31on whether or not
00:48:32I want kids so often
00:48:33that sometimes
00:48:34I just want to get
00:48:34my tubes tied
00:48:35because that feels
00:48:36like the reproductive
00:48:37equivalent of
00:48:38pouring water
00:48:39on brownies
00:48:39in the trash.
00:48:48and you're like,
00:48:49I'm going to want
00:48:50these later.
00:48:53But I'm thinking
00:48:54straight now.
00:48:57So I'm going to
00:48:57remove the option.
00:48:59If you're not laughing,
00:49:00congrats on having
00:49:01a healthy relationship
00:49:02with food your whole life.
00:49:06Do we have any moms
00:49:07in here
00:49:08that wouldn't mind?
00:49:09Oh, good.
00:49:09And you're like,
00:49:10yes, I am.
00:49:11I love that.
00:49:11That wouldn't mind me
00:49:12asking them personal
00:49:12questions about childbirth.
00:49:14Love it.
00:49:14Your hand's still up.
00:49:15Love that.
00:49:16Moms are so cool.
00:49:17They're always like,
00:49:18yeah, sure.
00:49:18I'm an open book.
00:49:19Literally.
00:49:20They cracked my spine
00:49:20on the way out.
00:49:21So I would love to share.
00:49:24Okay.
00:49:25How many kids do you have?
00:49:26Two.
00:49:27Nice.
00:49:27How old are they?
00:49:2916 and 18.
00:49:30Oh, thank God.
00:49:30They're like full people.
00:49:31When people have babies,
00:49:33I just,
00:49:33I freeze up.
00:49:34I'm like,
00:49:34oh, is it water?
00:49:38Has it opened
00:49:39and dis-eyes
00:49:40or has it dried out?
00:49:42They come out
00:49:42pretty slick, right?
00:49:43Yeah.
00:49:44Got a grip on it.
00:49:46Okay.
00:49:47Okay.
00:49:47You got teenagers.
00:49:48Did you have your kids
00:49:49out the main terminal?
00:49:51Yeah.
00:49:52I thought that was
00:49:52a classy way
00:49:53of putting it.
00:49:54Okay.
00:49:54So I've talked
00:49:55to a lot of women
00:49:56on this tour
00:49:57who have told me
00:49:58because I'm very scared
00:49:59of childbirth,
00:49:59which makes sense.
00:50:00I grew up in church
00:50:01where not even abstinence
00:50:04could protect you fully,
00:50:05right?
00:50:08They told you
00:50:08the story of Mary.
00:50:09They're like,
00:50:10yeah, no,
00:50:10keep your knees closed.
00:50:11Hope God doesn't pick you.
00:50:13Like it's,
00:50:16it adds a whole other layer
00:50:18of fear to childbirth.
00:50:19Childbirth is already terrifying.
00:50:21What if it's breach?
00:50:22What if it's sick?
00:50:23What if it's God?
00:50:26So I'm very scared
00:50:27of childbirth
00:50:28and I've talked to a lot
00:50:29of moms on this tour
00:50:29who have told me
00:50:30that when you're pushing,
00:50:32a lot of times
00:50:33your body's like,
00:50:34we know what you're looking for.
00:50:37Coming right up.
00:50:38Ding, ding, ding.
00:50:39And at some point
00:50:40during the process,
00:50:42in addition to a baby,
00:50:43you may also push out.
00:50:44Did you, did you poop?
00:50:45Yeah.
00:50:46Thank you for being honest.
00:50:47Thank you so much.
00:50:48Here's what I've learned
00:50:49asking that question
00:50:50for the last couple years.
00:50:51There's only two correct answers
00:50:52to did you poop
00:50:53during childbirth.
00:50:54Yes, I did.
00:50:55And I do not recall.
00:50:59Yes, I did.
00:51:00Or none of my business.
00:51:02Because some moms
00:51:03talk about childbirth
00:51:03like it's a music festival
00:51:05they went to once.
00:51:06They're like,
00:51:06uh, I was on a lot of drugs.
00:51:09I think your dad was there.
00:51:11I don't know.
00:51:12All I remember is
00:51:12I kept yelling,
00:51:13play my song, bitch.
00:51:16And they made me leave
00:51:17before I was ready.
00:51:22The first time
00:51:23I ever asked someone,
00:51:24I was at a comedy club
00:51:25in Dallas, Texas.
00:51:26There was a woman
00:51:26in the front row.
00:51:27She goes,
00:51:27three kids, never pooped.
00:51:29And there was a table
00:51:30of nurses nearby
00:51:31who were wasted,
00:51:33you guys.
00:51:34Who started scream laughing
00:51:36at her.
00:51:37Everybody poops.
00:51:39Every single person.
00:51:41And if you think you didn't,
00:51:43then we fucking lied to you.
00:51:52And I had to watch
00:51:53this whole woman's world change.
00:51:56It was like the Truman Show.
00:51:58I felt so bad.
00:51:59I was trying to save
00:51:59the vibe in there.
00:52:00I was like,
00:52:00hey babe, don't feel bad.
00:52:01Even if I, you know,
00:52:03airlift mine out,
00:52:04I'm going to poop on that table
00:52:05just to show them
00:52:05who's boss.
00:52:06Right?
00:52:12To be clear,
00:52:13when I say that I came out
00:52:14in the last couple of years,
00:52:15I just mean publicly.
00:52:16Right?
00:52:17Like I came out to friends
00:52:18earlier than that,
00:52:19but I don't think
00:52:19I did it right.
00:52:20I think I was too casual
00:52:21about it.
00:52:22that I think I was supposed
00:52:22to do like an episode
00:52:23of Glee.
00:52:25And I just sort of
00:52:26mentioned it like,
00:52:27oh, by the way,
00:52:28I think I'm going to date
00:52:28women now too.
00:52:29And they were like,
00:52:30okay.
00:52:31Like I said,
00:52:31I was vegan or something.
00:52:33Like, okay,
00:52:34we'll see how long
00:52:34that lasts.
00:52:35You need iron, bitch.
00:52:36Like they were not,
00:52:38they really accepted it
00:52:39once I had my first girlfriend.
00:52:41I started dating this girl
00:52:42who was so hot.
00:52:43I was like,
00:52:44oh my God,
00:52:45am I Pete Davidson?
00:52:54How tall am I?
00:52:55And when I started dating women,
00:52:57it was the closest I'd come
00:52:58to feeling religious
00:52:59in a long time
00:53:00because my friends
00:53:01would complain
00:53:01about their boyfriends
00:53:02and husbands.
00:53:03And I was like,
00:53:04have you heard the good news?
00:53:08You don't have to live like this.
00:53:11There's a better way.
00:53:15Then once I had a girlfriend,
00:53:17then my friends started
00:53:17coming to me
00:53:18with a lot of their questions.
00:53:19They started coming to me
00:53:20with their millennial regrets.
00:53:22Do we have any Gen Z
00:53:23in here tonight?
00:53:24Oh my God.
00:53:26Shut up.
00:53:26Really?
00:53:27Okay, everyone be cool
00:53:28in front of my new friends.
00:53:29All right.
00:53:30Now Gen Z,
00:53:31you won't really get this
00:53:32because you guys
00:53:32are very good at exploring
00:53:33your identities
00:53:34and sexualities.
00:53:35You want to know
00:53:35who you are
00:53:36and what you're capable of.
00:53:37And what you have to understand
00:53:38about us millennials
00:53:38is we wake up every day
00:53:40and look in the mirror
00:53:41like,
00:53:42shh.
00:53:46Don't feel joy outside.
00:53:49You'll upset my mom,
00:53:51Papa.
00:53:53Just wait.
00:53:54Be free in death.
00:53:55Wait.
00:53:56Those are our mourning affirmations.
00:53:59So we're dealing with a lot.
00:54:01We're repressing a lot.
00:54:02So I had a lot of female friends
00:54:03in their 30s and 40s
00:54:04who were like,
00:54:06I wish I had dated women,
00:54:07but you know,
00:54:07they ended up with a man
00:54:08and they were happy,
00:54:09but they're like,
00:54:09I wish I had done that.
00:54:10And so they were asking me
00:54:11a lot of personal questions
00:54:13like,
00:54:13is it better having sex with women?
00:54:15and I was like,
00:54:16do you really want me to tell you?
00:54:17Because you said
00:54:17you were pretty locked in
00:54:18with that guy.
00:54:21And they were like,
00:54:22no,
00:54:22is it really different?
00:54:24And I was like,
00:54:25yeah.
00:54:26And they were like,
00:54:27well,
00:54:27how?
00:54:30So here's what I said.
00:54:32I think the biggest difference
00:54:34between having sex
00:54:35with men and women
00:54:37is when you're having sex
00:54:38with a woman,
00:54:40you're there the whole time.
00:54:45You know?
00:54:48Because you know how with a man
00:54:49you can kind of just like,
00:54:55not in a traumatic way,
00:54:57just in like a,
00:54:57oh,
00:54:58I'm in the back seat
00:54:59on a road trip,
00:54:59forgot my headphones,
00:55:00let's look at clouds.
00:55:12Huh?
00:55:13I did.
00:55:13I did.
00:55:14Yeah,
00:55:14absolutely.
00:55:16Yes.
00:55:17Oh my God.
00:55:17Yes.
00:55:18A big one.
00:55:19A huge,
00:55:19big,
00:55:20quiet,
00:55:21but big.
00:55:22It's just
00:55:23silent,
00:55:23but deadly.
00:55:24I love those.
00:55:25Thank you so much.
00:55:28I've never faked an orgasm
00:55:29because I think
00:55:30our generation
00:55:30got enough
00:55:31participation trophies,
00:55:32but I don't judge you
00:55:34if you have to.
00:55:35We've all been there,
00:55:36When it's going too long.
00:55:37If you want
00:55:38to fake an orgasm,
00:55:39here's a little tip
00:55:40from me to you.
00:55:41Just hold your breath
00:55:44for as long
00:55:44as you can
00:55:47because then
00:55:48when you're like,
00:56:01It'll seem like
00:56:03you came
00:56:03when really
00:56:04you just came
00:56:05up for air.
00:56:07That's how you get rid
00:56:08of hiccups
00:56:09and Jeremy.
00:56:14I do like having sex
00:56:15with men sometimes.
00:56:16I will say,
00:56:17Does anyone like sucking dick
00:56:18for real?
00:56:19Does anyone really?
00:56:20Yeah.
00:56:21Oh, wow.
00:56:21Good for you.
00:56:22Just a quiet hand raise.
00:56:24That's beautiful.
00:56:29So nice.
00:56:30Wow.
00:56:30Heroes among us.
00:56:31Good for you.
00:56:33I like sucking dick
00:56:34the way I like
00:56:35going for a run.
00:56:36I'm proud of myself
00:56:37after.
00:56:42But during,
00:56:42I'm always like,
00:56:43Why did I do this?
00:56:44I didn't have to do this.
00:56:46There's other ways
00:56:47to get where I'm going.
00:56:50But then afterwards,
00:56:51I'm always like,
00:56:51Wow.
00:56:52The power of the human spirit.
00:56:55Really is all mind
00:56:57over matter out there.
00:56:58But then during,
00:56:59I'm like,
00:57:00People should be throwing
00:57:00little cups of water on me
00:57:01for being so brave.
00:57:03But then afterwards,
00:57:04I'm like,
00:57:05Nice.
00:57:05Got my time down.
00:57:14We're trying to get faster,
00:57:16not better.
00:57:19I remember I was so scared
00:57:20to start going down on women.
00:57:22And then I went down on a girl
00:57:23for the first time
00:57:24and I was like,
00:57:24Oh my God,
00:57:25that was so much better.
00:57:27I was so mad
00:57:28at my whole life.
00:57:30I was like,
00:57:30You're telling me
00:57:31this whole time
00:57:31I could have been
00:57:32licking ice creams
00:57:34and instead I've been
00:57:37swallowing swords?
00:57:41Could have been living
00:57:42like a child
00:57:43on the boardwalk
00:57:44instead of been living
00:57:44like a carny
00:57:45with something to prove.
00:57:49Not that I'm like
00:57:50killing it at queer dating.
00:57:51I am not.
00:57:52I'm running into obstacles
00:57:53I never thought I'd face.
00:57:54I got dumped
00:57:55by a polyamorous person.
00:57:56You ever been dumped
00:57:57by a polyamorous person?
00:57:58It sucks.
00:57:59It's like getting fired
00:58:00from a part-time job.
00:58:03They're like,
00:58:04You can't even work here
00:58:05Mondays and Tuesdays.
00:58:06Holy shit.
00:58:07I didn't think
00:58:08I was going to like
00:58:08dating somebody poly.
00:58:10She was poly.
00:58:11I was busy.
00:58:11But it actually ended up
00:58:14being the most honest,
00:58:15transparent,
00:58:15communicative relationship
00:58:16I'd ever been in
00:58:17and I was totally
00:58:18in love with her
00:58:18and she dumped me
00:58:19because I work too much
00:58:20and let me tell you
00:58:21something, Grand Rapids.
00:58:22When I started dating
00:58:23a polyamorous person,
00:58:25I did not think
00:58:25it was going to end
00:58:26because my lifestyle
00:58:28didn't work for them.
00:58:32I know some of you
00:58:33don't believe me.
00:58:34You're like,
00:58:34There's no way
00:58:34you liked being poly, Taylor.
00:58:36You are not cool.
00:58:37You reek of monogamy.
00:58:38I bet you masturbate
00:58:39to Bridgerton
00:58:39and you know what?
00:58:40I don't.
00:58:41I have,
00:58:42but I don't.
00:58:48That joke's not going
00:58:49in the special.
00:58:50There's no way.
00:58:51No, no, no.
00:58:52That's way too vulnerable
00:58:53to put on Netflix.
00:58:55We'll not be doing that.
00:58:56Unless it helps the algorithm.
00:58:58We'll have to talk about it.
00:59:00If Netflix was like,
00:59:01If you liked Bridgerton...
00:59:06Did you do that?
00:59:14I really appreciate you guys
00:59:15coming to this new
00:59:16hour of material
00:59:17because I know
00:59:17it's a lot of God stuff
00:59:18and a lot of gay stuff
00:59:19and my agents are nervous.
00:59:23I think my whole team
00:59:24was a little nervous
00:59:25when I said I was going to do
00:59:26a tour called Save Me
00:59:27and talk about religion.
00:59:28I got a call
00:59:28from my publicist one day
00:59:30like,
00:59:30Hey, I heard you're going to
00:59:31call the special
00:59:32prodigal daughter
00:59:33and you want to call
00:59:33the tour Save Me?
00:59:34I think that's great.
00:59:35Just making sure
00:59:35you're not taking any promo photos
00:59:37like hanging upside down
00:59:38from a cross, right?
00:59:42Anyway,
00:59:43so we got rid of those photos.
00:59:44But no,
00:59:46I did not do that.
00:59:47I did not do that.
00:59:48That was never the intention.
00:59:49I understand
00:59:50why they thought
00:59:51it was going to be an hour
00:59:53just bashing Christianity
00:59:54because if you watch
00:59:55all of my other specials,
00:59:56I usually take a few minutes
00:59:57to take a few shots
00:59:59at Christianity
01:00:00and that's because
01:00:01I was working through
01:00:02a lot of stuff
01:00:02from my childhood
01:00:03and also
01:00:04I was really jealous
01:00:05that Christianity
01:00:07had worked for other people
01:00:08and not me.
01:00:10As a mentally ill person
01:00:11it is devastating
01:00:12when someone just goes,
01:00:13Yeah, I used to be sad too
01:00:14and then I accepted Jesus
01:00:16into my heart
01:00:16and now I'm all better
01:00:17and you're like,
01:00:19Oh, is that all you did?
01:00:21That's all you did?
01:00:24Just said a little poem
01:00:25in the dark
01:00:25and now you're worthy of love?
01:00:27That's great.
01:00:27I love that for you.
01:00:40It's like when someone goes,
01:00:41Yeah, I just stopped drinking soda.
01:00:43Lost 20 pounds.
01:00:43All my acne went away
01:00:44and you're like,
01:00:45Oh my God, that's so cool.
01:00:46I hope your plane
01:00:46falls out of the sky.
01:00:53The problem that I have
01:00:54with religion
01:00:55is it can be interpreted
01:00:58so many different ways, right?
01:00:59Like you can say
01:01:00to a room full of people,
01:01:01Jesus loves you
01:01:02no matter what
01:01:03and a lot of those people
01:01:04will hear,
01:01:05Jesus loves me
01:01:06but some of those people
01:01:08will hear,
01:01:10no matter what
01:01:13and that's the problem, right?
01:01:15Religion can be used
01:01:16as either a weapon
01:01:17or a tool
01:01:18and to be clear,
01:01:19if you are using religion
01:01:20as a weapon
01:01:21to control,
01:01:22manipulate,
01:01:23scare people,
01:01:24to make yourself feel superior
01:01:25to everyone else,
01:01:27fuck you.
01:01:27that's not what it's for.
01:01:33You are not
01:01:35using that correctly.
01:01:38You're using a vibrator
01:01:40as a back massager
01:01:41and we're all
01:01:41fucking laughing at you.
01:01:45Because if God does exist,
01:01:46he does not exist
01:01:47to make you feel
01:01:48better than other people.
01:01:50He exists to make you
01:01:51better for other people.
01:01:59And life is so fucking hard.
01:02:02Whatever makes you
01:02:02a better person
01:02:03for other people,
01:02:04that's what you should be doing.
01:02:06We do this weird thing
01:02:07where we like forget
01:02:08that everybody's struggling.
01:02:10Everybody's just trying
01:02:10to get through it
01:02:11and we judge each other's
01:02:12coping mechanisms.
01:02:13Like, oh, you're a quitter
01:02:14if you get on antidepressants.
01:02:15You're stupid
01:02:16if you believe in God.
01:02:17Bitch, I'm on mood stabilizers.
01:02:19You're on Jesus.
01:02:20We're all trying to get to
01:02:21dead with daddy.
01:02:23We're all trying to get there.
01:02:27It's fine.
01:02:31And there are a lot of people
01:02:33who are using religion correctly.
01:02:35People like my aunt and uncle,
01:02:36my grandparents,
01:02:37the people at this church.
01:02:38There are a lot of people
01:02:39who are using religion
01:02:40as a tool for community
01:02:42and connection
01:02:43and compassion
01:02:44and comfort.
01:02:46And when I was writing this hour,
01:02:48I was thinking about those people.
01:02:50And I was thinking about my family
01:02:51and I was trying to think
01:02:52of positive things
01:02:53that came out of me
01:02:54growing up in church.
01:02:56And the most positive thing,
01:02:57I can't believe
01:02:58I didn't think of sooner.
01:02:59I started doing stand-up
01:03:00in churches.
01:03:01That's how I started doing this.
01:03:02They called it testimony,
01:03:03but I was getting laughs.
01:03:05And, no.
01:03:08No, I really did.
01:03:09I started doing stand-up
01:03:10when I was 16 years old
01:03:11and for the first, like,
01:03:12I don't know,
01:03:12like four or five years
01:03:13of my career,
01:03:14I was performing
01:03:15in a lot of churches.
01:03:16If you don't know,
01:03:17in America,
01:03:18you can make a living
01:03:18as a church comedian.
01:03:19You can tour churches
01:03:21even bigger than this,
01:03:22four or five thousand seats
01:03:24and make a great living that way.
01:03:26And when I was like 21,
01:03:27I had to decide
01:03:28am I going to go
01:03:29the church comedian route
01:03:30or am I going to go
01:03:31the secular comedian route?
01:03:33And I think you know
01:03:34what I picked.
01:03:36But I am so grateful
01:03:37to have that
01:03:38as my foundation
01:03:40for my stand-up career.
01:03:41I mean,
01:03:42I got so much
01:03:42professional stage time
01:03:44in front of thousands
01:03:45of people.
01:03:45I got paid.
01:03:46I learned how to work clean
01:03:47and perform in any room.
01:03:49And I think about that a lot.
01:03:52I'm so grateful for it.
01:03:53and I know a lot of you
01:03:53are probably sitting there
01:03:54right now going,
01:03:55well, that's nice.
01:03:58It's cute that you're grateful,
01:04:00Taylor.
01:04:00And we, you know,
01:04:01we get what you're doing
01:04:02with the church
01:04:03and everything.
01:04:04But we've seen your stuff now.
01:04:08And there's no way
01:04:10you could perform
01:04:11in churches now.
01:04:13And here's the thing.
01:04:14I don't want to.
01:04:16And I probably won't.
01:04:18But I fucking could, though.
01:04:21Okay?
01:04:21Oh,
01:04:22if I get canceled
01:04:24or some shit,
01:04:25I'm a fucking professional
01:04:26and I will be returning
01:04:28to churches.
01:04:29Okay?
01:04:29I will turn this ship around
01:04:31so goddamn
01:04:32gosh darn fast.
01:04:34In a fetus's heartbeat,
01:04:36I'll go back to churches.
01:04:37I will rebrand
01:04:38like you've never seen.
01:04:39I'll get real big hair,
01:04:40marry a man,
01:04:41let him lead.
01:04:43Write a book called
01:04:44Submissive Wife,
01:04:45Submissive Life.
01:04:47Adopt a southern accent
01:04:49out of nowhere.
01:04:51And yeah,
01:04:51I'm going on tour.
01:04:52I have the beginning
01:04:53of the show
01:04:53all planned out in my head.
01:04:54It's gonna start off
01:04:55pitch black auditorium.
01:04:57Then on the big screen,
01:04:58I'm only doing megachurches.
01:04:59That's where the money is.
01:05:00On the big screen,
01:05:02a black and white montage,
01:05:03probably starting
01:05:04with the Netflix
01:05:05ba-da noise.
01:05:06They own my ass
01:05:07for like eight more years.
01:05:09A black and white montage
01:05:10of all my raunchiest
01:05:12jokes from my 20s.
01:05:13And that's why
01:05:13getting a guy to wear
01:05:14a condom is like
01:05:16fade out to demon noises.
01:05:18Freeze frame
01:05:19on my young face.
01:05:20Lights slowly come up
01:05:22as I walk out
01:05:23wearing all...
01:05:24You know what?
01:05:26I'm just gonna show you.
01:05:27I'm just gonna show you.
01:05:38This is how you get pussy!
01:05:40I came so hard.
01:05:41I'll have you know in bed,
01:05:42I am a wild animal.
01:05:44Okay?
01:05:45And that's when I stopped
01:05:46believing in God.
01:05:47Go home and Google
01:05:48porn for women.
01:05:49Okay?
01:05:50I lost my virginity late.
01:05:51I lost it when I was
01:05:52financially independent.
01:05:53You guys,
01:05:54I'm literally fucking
01:05:55the Patriarch.
01:05:56Wet, let me feel.
01:05:57Yeah, I grew up with God.
01:05:58He's a douchebag.
01:06:00That joke makes it sound
01:06:01like I resent
01:06:01my religious upbringing.
01:06:03And I do,
01:06:04so I nailed it.
01:06:04Fucking hell!
01:06:05No Christian parents
01:06:06want to watch their daughter
01:06:07talk about depression
01:06:07and dick for an hour.
01:06:09Take that, Jesus!
01:06:10I don't know if any of you
01:06:11have tried to get
01:06:11a 20-something dude
01:06:13from a dating app
01:06:14to wear a condom lately,
01:06:15but it's sort of like
01:06:16trying to convince
01:06:17a five-year-old
01:06:18to put a jacket on
01:06:20over his Halloween costume.
01:06:23Wet, let me feel.
01:06:24And you guys,
01:06:25I think I have a
01:06:26extra mastermind.
01:06:27Yeah, I ain't no fucking
01:06:28hell.
01:06:28I wish you better
01:06:29that sex.
01:06:30Jesus!
01:07:01Anybody recognize her?
01:07:04That was me
01:07:06back when Satan
01:07:07had me in his clutches.
01:07:10And I can see some of you
01:07:11feeling like Joseph
01:07:12on Christmas right now.
01:07:14Like, mm,
01:07:15is this whore lying to me?
01:07:19But everybody loves
01:07:20the comeback, don't they?
01:07:21It ain't a rebrand,
01:07:22it's a rebirth, folks.
01:07:24Welcome to the
01:07:25Prodigal Daughter Tour!
01:07:35Gimme, gimme, gimme,
01:07:37I'm mad after midnight
01:07:39I want somebody else
01:07:40who takes the shadows away
01:07:42So gimme, gimme, gimme,
01:07:45I'm mad after midnight
01:07:46All right, here's some
01:07:48great Queer Awakenings
01:07:49people sent in.
01:07:50We always get, um,
01:07:51we always get the cast
01:07:53of Pirates of the Caribbean,
01:07:54we always get She-Go
01:07:55from Kim Possible,
01:07:56uh, we always get, uh,
01:07:58Robin Hood the Fox version.
01:07:59Uh, for, yeah,
01:08:01you know.
01:08:02Uh, and then people
01:08:04always ask what my
01:08:05Queer Awakening was,
01:08:06and my Queer Awakening,
01:08:08I figured out because
01:08:09I was watching home movies
01:08:10of me as a little kid,
01:08:11and I found this video
01:08:12of me talking to my mom
01:08:13when I was, like,
01:08:14three or four.
01:08:14And do you guys remember
01:08:15the girl deer from
01:08:16Bambi, Folleen?
01:08:18Okay, so apparently
01:08:20Folleen was my
01:08:21Queer Awakening,
01:08:21and we do have
01:08:23the footage.
01:08:24Why's the best?
01:08:26Cause I, cause
01:08:27he's just the best.
01:08:29What about Folleen?
01:08:31Isn't she the best, too?
01:08:32Yeah, she's very pretty.
01:08:34She looks like a hot dog
01:08:36in a pan.
01:08:38She looks like a hot dog
01:08:39in a pan?
01:08:41My goodness.
01:08:42What does that mean?
01:08:43Oh, oh.
01:08:47Thank you so much,
01:08:48Grand Rapids.
01:08:49I cannot thank you enough.
01:08:50One more time for
01:08:51Sophie Buddle, everybody.
01:08:55Thank you.
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