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Short filmTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:44Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:11Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:31Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:32destroyed why too generous no no no my lord it's only at this level if the
00:01:38campaign is successful which it will be my lord no need to lube of my machinery
00:01:52as I was saying with your support and these perks they're on the left sir
00:01:58these perks we shall have a fully operational weapon of planetary
00:02:03destruction but it can only happen with your support and enthusiasm excuse me
00:02:09Dark Lord of the Sith but our voluntary support and enthusiasm on a mass scale
00:02:15have never been your strong suit have they I mean are you going to throttle each
00:02:21person personally who's watching this video yes carry on
00:02:38Lord Vader excuse me again you're doing a fantastic job well don't tell me while
00:02:43I'm recording it I know I'm doing a good job I'm the fucking architect of this plan
00:02:48yes my lord the the problem is if you ensure the destruction of the donators
00:02:53homeworld won't you be de-incentivizing the very crowd you wish to engage
00:02:58what well if the campaign is successful there won't be a crowd to engage I'm
00:03:04certain I don't see a problem with my crowdsourcing plan for a new Death Star
00:03:09it's just that look sir at the 20 credit level you promised the holographic video
00:03:14updates to the backers of the Death Star
00:03:16you mean we have to give them all the perks from the 20 credit underling level
00:03:21on down yes that's how the crowdfunding perks work sir they get everything you
00:03:27promised up to the level they donated which means that there won't be anyone
00:03:31to get the custom additional content holographic video updates if you've
00:03:35blown their planet into space dust at the 10 credit level I certainly hope
00:03:39Tatooine donates that's not the point my lord I don't like Tatooine
00:03:43where's that buckthorn bark tea you promised me I shall have it for you in a
00:03:47parsec it's good for my colon I've often wondered how you managed it in the
00:03:57outfit it's a sealed system admiral so you mean this whole time you've been
00:04:16the point is lord vader for your crowdsourcing campaign the upper level perks we worked so
00:04:21hard on would be useless sir well admiral I do see your point terrific there will be less admin if
00:04:29they
00:04:29do don't that's true sir and you wouldn't have to do the video updates
00:04:36most impressive true but perhaps maybe I'm just floating an idea here maybe you
00:04:44could not tell them that you'll blow up their planet until they donate and then
00:04:51blow the planet up after we've built the new Death Star not tell them yes it's not
00:05:00very honest well I didn't think that would be a sticking point for you tread
00:05:04lightly admiral nod the integrity of a dark lord of the sith is unassailable as it
00:05:10should be lord vader if I may your sithiness um the bigger picture here is
00:05:17getting the bloody money obviously I can't get anyone legitimate to finance
00:05:22another Death Star since the first one was blown up by my own son's one simple
00:05:27torpedo it's not an easy sell well that's all well and good sir but I wasn't all
00:05:33that good he blew the thing up but I'm just trying to avoid any sort of you know
00:05:39negative connotation around this latest Death Star while we're trying to raise
00:05:44money you do understand Lord Vader negative connotation is what we do
00:05:49Admiral we're an empire not an interstellar rotary club if you want to
00:05:54save some kid with tufts of hair falling out of his head that's me don't make me
00:06:00take this helmet off we're not building a stupid app we're building a beautiful
00:06:04Darth Star for Pete's sake excuse me Lord Vader you just said Darth Star instead of Death Star
00:06:15hardly Freudian at all you've written Darth Star all through there
00:06:23Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star
00:06:43Darth Star13 star in the future
00:06:45Darth Star tener
00:06:48Darth Star dolf Star
00:06:48uh Lord Vader I- I know that we are considerably short of your goal of a hundred
00:06:54and thirty quadrillion credits to build the new death star
00:06:58Darth Star Mr. I understand all too well admiral
00:07:02I understand you're as annoying as that step-and-fetch-it rabbit
00:07:06that nearly destroyed everything during the Clone Wars.
00:07:08Sir, if I may, I think you might be projecting just a bit onto me your frustration.
00:07:13What do you mean?
00:07:15I mean, comparing me to Jar Jar Biggs, that's sort of a low blow.
00:07:19I mean, he's all sort of prat-folly and stupid.
00:07:23Well, I have good diction.
00:07:25I mean, Mr. Horny, Mr. Master, that's not me.
00:07:29I mean, after all, we've been through, sir.
00:07:31Where's that tea you promised a parsec to go?
00:07:34A parsec is actually a measure of distance, not time.
00:07:37Hardly important when you don't have tea.
00:07:42Quite right, my lord.
00:07:44Your buckthornbark tea.
00:07:47For your closed system.
00:08:18Lord Vader, I know you're disappointed by the lack of uptake on the crowdsourcing campaign for the new Death Star.
00:08:24Yes, Admiral, what's the latest report?
00:08:27Well, we are still holding at the six...
00:08:32credits, my lord.
00:08:34And how long have we waged this campaign?
00:08:37Over a month.
00:08:39And maybe the whole ten credits get your planet destroyed may have put a bit of a damper on the
00:08:45contributions
00:08:46and sort of kept us at that sort of six-ish level.
00:08:49Who would do that?
00:08:51Six credits doesn't even give you one of the perks.
00:08:54Well, the donations were from one Boba Fett who wished to remain anonymous.
00:09:00Everyone knows he's Boba Fett.
00:09:02What's the point of a mask when everyone knows it's him?
00:09:06Anonymous bullshit.
00:09:07Yes.
00:09:08What?
00:09:08Nothing.
00:09:09Nothing, my lord.
00:09:11Hmm.
00:09:22Okay, this is probably going to end up looking like one of those paranormal activity videos.
00:09:26But I want to be able to capture the moment without her seeing the cameras.
00:09:30Now, Kim's going to be home any minute now.
00:09:33And I'll set up the Ouija board.
00:09:36I don't believe in those things at all.
00:09:38I just kind of, you know, move it around because it makes her happy.
00:09:42Anyway, I'm going to ask the board an important question about us.
00:09:45And then, bam!
00:09:47Oh, oh, she's here.
00:09:48She's home.
00:09:49She's home from work.
00:09:50She's home from work.
00:09:51I'm going to go out back.
00:09:51And then I'm going to come in the front door like I've never been here before.
00:09:53I mean, today.
00:10:01Oh my god.
00:10:02Okay, you were right.
00:10:04Scott's going to propose today.
00:10:05I found the ring this morning and then today he called me at my work and he's got this
00:10:08weird elaborate plan with the Ouija board.
00:10:10I don't know.
00:10:11I guess he's going to use that to propose.
00:10:13And yes, I am well aware that it's Scott pushing it around the Ouija board.
00:10:16But come on, I actually just play along because it makes him happy.
00:10:22Oh my god.
00:10:22Okay, he's here.
00:10:23Gotta go.
00:10:23Bye, bye, bye.
00:10:26I'm home.
00:10:29Hi, honey.
00:10:31Hi.
00:10:32How are you doing?
00:10:33Ah, well, let's get some vino.
00:10:50Cheers.
00:10:50Cheers, my love.
00:10:54Okay.
00:10:56Is there anyone here?
00:11:01Is there anything you want to tell us?
00:11:07Oh, very responsive.
00:11:09S.
00:11:11C.
00:11:12Oh.
00:11:14Well, Scott.
00:11:33Scott wants to kill you.
00:11:37You want to kill me?
00:11:39No.
00:11:40You want to kill me?
00:11:43Yes!
00:11:45Why can't you just say it?
00:11:46Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:11:49Wait.
00:11:50You want to kill me?
00:11:52No.
00:11:53Yes!
00:11:54No!
00:11:55Will you stop messing with this?
00:11:57This is coming from the heart.
00:11:58Okay, hold on.
00:12:00Let's all just calm down.
00:12:02Okay.
00:12:02Okay, sorry.
00:12:02Now, oh, mystical creature in the room, um, okay, what is it that Scott really wants to
00:12:12say to me right now?
00:12:14Okay.
00:12:15Now, here we go.
00:12:18Oh, here we go.
00:12:19Scott.
00:12:20I'm going to assume it's Scott because it knows your name already.
00:12:23Okay.
00:12:24It does, Scott.
00:12:25Want.
00:12:26Once again.
00:12:29You to be headed.
00:12:40That's not even a complete sentence.
00:12:42What?
00:12:43I am not moving this.
00:12:45Baby.
00:12:45What?
00:12:46Is this why you sleep with knives?
00:12:48No.
00:12:51Yes!
00:12:53No!
00:12:55Okay, what?
00:12:59No.
00:13:03Are you telling me the truth?
00:13:05Yes.
00:13:08Really?
00:13:09Now you're quiet.
00:13:11You think you're so smart.
00:13:13Okay, whoa.
00:13:14Why are you talking to me this way?
00:13:15I am only reading the words that you're spelling out.
00:13:18No, no, no.
00:13:18Okay, fine.
00:13:19Let's do this back in the middle.
00:13:20Okay.
00:13:21Kim?
00:13:22Scott?
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:23I have something that I want to ask you.
00:13:26You do, Scott?
00:13:27Yeah.
00:13:27What is it?
00:13:30Will
00:13:32you
00:13:35M
00:13:36A
00:13:37R
00:13:45Martyr yourself on the cross of Satan?
00:13:47No, I don't know.
00:13:48No, that's it.
00:13:49No.
00:13:49That wasn't...
00:13:50I gotta go pee.
00:13:51And I'm taking my candles with me and my...
00:13:55But I don't know how to spell martyr.
00:14:02I don't know how to spell the prank.
00:14:04I will.
00:14:05Look, will you stop telling her that I want to ritually kill her?
00:14:08I want to marry her, all right?
00:14:10No.
00:14:11No.
00:14:12Will you stop it?
00:14:13K-I-L.
00:14:16Kill.
00:14:17Kill.
00:14:18Kill.
00:14:19Kill.
00:14:19Kill.
00:14:20Kill.
00:14:20Kill.
00:14:21I'm not faking it!
00:14:22Oh, I believe you.
00:14:25Look, you are not helping your case.
00:14:32I swear, I'm not faking it.
00:14:40California knows how to party.
00:14:46Oh, super.
00:14:58This is...this one.
00:15:01Now, they said to use a secret knock.
00:15:03Secret knock?
00:15:04What's the secret knock?
00:15:05Why a secret knock?
00:15:05I don't know.
00:15:06Is it one, two, and three?
00:15:08Or do you want to just do one, two, three?
00:15:11We could do that.
00:15:12We could do that.
00:15:18Oh, hi!
00:15:18Hi.
00:15:19Who are you talking to?
00:15:21Quiet in here.
00:15:25Clearly they want privacy.
00:15:28Because it is dark.
00:15:30I'm gonna...yeah.
00:15:32I just gotta adjust.
00:15:33Is that you?
00:15:34Wait, is it?
00:15:35Wait.
00:15:36No, that's you.
00:15:37That's you.
00:15:38Oh!
00:15:39Oh, that's you.
00:15:40That's you.
00:15:43So how does this come into play at the party?
00:15:46I don't know how the swing comes into play, to be honest.
00:15:48But you know what?
00:15:49I do know I fit on it.
00:15:50I know you do.
00:15:51That's where the splinter is.
00:15:52Whoa!
00:15:54Thanks for sucking those splinters out.
00:15:57You know you can get poisoned from splinters.
00:15:58I've heard that.
00:15:59Yeah, from me.
00:16:00You saved my life.
00:16:01Yeah.
00:16:01Couple times.
00:16:02Okay.
00:16:03Um...
00:16:04Honey.
00:16:05Huh?
00:16:06I think we may have misunderstood the invitation.
00:16:09Why?
00:16:11Uh...
00:16:11Do you see that?
00:16:13Oh my god.
00:16:15Do you see...
00:16:17that?
00:16:18What?
00:16:19What?
00:16:20What?
00:16:21No, don't look!
00:16:23Don't look.
00:16:23Don't look.
00:16:23Don't look like a hi.
00:16:24Hi.
00:16:24What?
00:16:27Oh my...
00:16:27Hi.
00:16:29Don't...
00:16:31Until now.
00:16:32Whoa.
00:16:33Uh...
00:16:33I haven't seen that in person.
00:16:36Isn't that page 48 or something?
00:16:38Oh!
00:16:38I think...
00:16:40Um...
00:16:41You know what?
00:16:41What?
00:16:42One thing does bother me here.
00:16:43What?
00:16:44Downstairs, why did they make me pay and you get in for free?
00:16:47Why is that?
00:16:48I mean, that seems really sexist.
00:16:50I'm sorry, what?
00:16:51Hmm?
00:16:51Oh!
00:16:52Oh, of course.
00:16:54God, somebody's in here.
00:16:55Yeah, you can...
00:16:55Here, honey, let me get in for you.
00:16:57Okay, sweet.
00:16:59My...
00:17:00Here you go.
00:17:01My...
00:17:01Bag?
00:17:02Yeah, go ahead.
00:17:03Oh, sure, sure.
00:17:07Hmm?
00:17:11Um...
00:17:12Okay.
00:17:13Sure.
00:17:14What are you doing?
00:17:16What are you...
00:17:20There you go.
00:17:21There you go.
00:17:22There you go.
00:17:23Wow.
00:17:23It's kind of cold in here.
00:17:25Could cut glass with these things.
00:17:28What's that?
00:17:28I've noticed that about you before.
00:17:29No?
00:17:33Hmm, windowsill.
00:17:34Ah, yeah.
00:17:35Mm-hmm.
00:17:36I'm liking that.
00:17:38I'm sorry, what?
00:17:39What?
00:17:39What?
00:17:40Um...
00:17:41I'm not wearing a bra.
00:17:45I'm not...
00:17:46You can...
00:17:47You can tell by the...
00:17:48Kim!
00:17:49What are you...
00:17:50What are you doing?
00:17:51Winning Rome.
00:17:52Oh, it's very Roman in here.
00:17:55I'm, uh...
00:17:56It actually is.
00:17:57I'm...
00:17:58Parthenon here.
00:17:59Mmm.
00:18:03What?
00:18:04Wow.
00:18:05Um...
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Okay, fine.
00:18:07Yeah.
00:18:08I can do that.
00:18:10Yeah.
00:18:11It's fine.
00:18:11It's good.
00:18:16Here you go.
00:18:17Ha!
00:18:19Yeah.
00:18:20Yeah.
00:18:23Oh, the...
00:18:24Oh.
00:18:24Oh, yeah.
00:18:26I can do that.
00:18:27I got that eye.
00:18:28Excuse me.
00:18:29What's that?
00:18:30Your tube sucks?
00:18:32Yeah.
00:18:33His tube sucks?
00:18:35Yeah.
00:18:36Can I, uh...
00:18:38Can I just...
00:18:39Can I keep just the one?
00:18:43Okay, well now you just look ridiculous.
00:18:46Sorry.
00:18:48We're really...
00:18:49Sorry.
00:18:50You can...
00:18:51Sorry.
00:18:52Take that.
00:18:54Where's she going?
00:18:55Aren't we supposed to tip the cooktop girl?
00:18:55Wait, whoa.
00:18:55We're choosing our clothes.
00:18:57Where'd she...
00:18:58Uh...
00:18:59We're supposed to tip her, right?
00:19:00Yeah.
00:19:00Actually, I don't know...
00:19:02You don't have any...
00:19:03Yeah.
00:19:03Where to keep a tip.
00:19:05I don't know if you noticed, but all I have left is the tip.
00:19:09Let's just keep walking.
00:19:12I wanted to say this in the elevator earlier, but you look really good tonight.
00:19:18Oh, I can tell that you think I look really good tonight.
00:19:21In fact, there's a growing number of members here who could probably tell that you think
00:19:26I look really good tonight.
00:19:28Well, yeah.
00:19:29Thank you, by the way.
00:19:31Oh, you're welcome.
00:19:31That's quite a compliment.
00:19:33Yeah.
00:19:33Do you think they have snacks?
00:19:36Um...
00:19:36Well, those aren't finger foods, but there's definitely some delicious snacking going on
00:19:41over there and over there.
00:19:46Okay.
00:19:47What?
00:19:47Let's just find Reverend Smith who invited us to a Swingers party!
00:19:52Fuck!
00:19:54Okay, put that away!
00:19:58Later.
00:19:58Later.
00:19:59Okay.
00:19:59Not really later.
00:20:00Yeah.
00:20:01Oh, yeah.
00:20:02No, no, seriously.
00:20:03That's fine.
00:20:03Reverend Smith and just kind of make a graceful exit.
00:20:05Like, give an excuse.
00:20:06Absolutely.
00:20:06Whatever you want to do.
00:20:08Why would Reverend Smith invite us to a Swingers party?
00:20:11He can't...
00:20:11Sorry.
00:20:12Sorry.
00:20:12Whoa.
00:20:13You see that?
00:20:13And the marshmallow.
00:20:16Squishy.
00:20:16Oh, thank you.
00:20:17Hi, how are you?
00:20:18Great.
00:20:19You're fine.
00:20:19What reason?
00:20:20Why would he invite us?
00:20:21I mean, he's married.
00:20:22He can't be a Swinger.
00:20:23Honey, baby.
00:20:24What?
00:20:25That's the purpose of like a Swingers party.
00:20:27It's where like married people come and then they...
00:20:30They come?
00:20:32They probably do.
00:20:34Oh, yeah.
00:20:34I can see.
00:20:35Oh, you're right.
00:20:36Don't go.
00:20:37No.
00:20:37This is like a Gallagher concert.
00:20:40Yeah.
00:20:41No, because you know why they do that.
00:20:42Why do they do this?
00:20:43Why did he invite us?
00:20:44He's married.
00:20:45They show up.
00:20:46What?
00:20:46And then they swap partners with another couple.
00:20:49Or couples.
00:20:51Wait a minute.
00:20:52Now, if we're gonna have sex, I just thought it would be like you and me.
00:20:57What?
00:20:58Baby, that's not called Swinging.
00:21:00That's...
00:21:00Aw.
00:21:01That's just called...
00:21:07Wait.
00:21:07Whoa.
00:21:07Whoa.
00:21:08Whoa.
00:21:08Is that...
00:21:09Is that Reverend Smith over there?
00:21:11I've actually never seen him from that angle.
00:21:15Wanna go over there?
00:21:16You know I do.
00:21:18Sure.
00:21:18We can do that.
00:21:20Purely from anthropological standpoints.
00:21:23Yes, of course.
00:21:23But let's go, come on, come on, let's go.
00:21:25It's like a wild kingdom in here.
00:21:27Hey, sorry.
00:21:27Oh!
00:21:28Whoa.
00:21:29That is our grocer.
00:21:31Right there.
00:21:32He touches our produce.
00:21:35I know.
00:21:35Ah, hi.
00:21:36Hi, Mr. Wang.
00:21:37How are you?
00:21:38Nope.
00:21:38Nope.
00:21:39Won't shake hands.
00:21:39Or that.
00:21:40Neither will Kim.
00:21:42Yeah.
00:21:42No, we're fine.
00:21:43We're good.
00:21:43Nice to see you.
00:21:44How are the kids?
00:21:45Good?
00:21:45Yeah, they're doing well in school, are they?
00:21:47The rash is clearing up.
00:21:49That's good to know.
00:21:51I think he wanted to touch my produce.
00:21:52I think so, too.
00:21:54Go!
00:21:55God, that's to get print.
00:21:57Me.
00:21:57Oh, my god, yeah.
00:21:58There, please.
00:21:59You feel that?
00:22:01Mm-hm.
00:22:01I'm like a swing club star right here.
00:22:05I don't know why.
00:22:07I don't know why.
00:22:12I don't know why.
00:22:12Where did the third girl go?
00:22:18Apparently, she goes right...
00:22:21There!
00:22:22There.
00:22:25And...
00:22:26oh hi oh yeah I'm sorry sure do I want a single used lube what who used it oh I'm
00:22:38sorry what
00:22:52I like mango but we didn't go the other night so
00:22:55but yeah how about almond butter no because the owns pretty yeah bacon bacon bacon's for breakfast
00:23:22you know what yeah thank you thanks
00:23:25okay bye bye do you have to pay for where'd she go where'd she go oh behind the door
00:23:33okay here's what I want to know how come all of these people get to wear masks because I want
00:23:44a
00:23:44mask okay whatever you want I get and the ladyberry I want a mask you know to get the mask
00:23:49you have to
00:23:50be on one of these plastic bags looks like a perfect shield thing well that man's face is busy you
00:23:58go grab
00:23:58those I didn't know no you're gonna have to wash your hands before you touch me it's true however I
00:24:15so
00:24:20now why did we pay for this I mean we can do this in our bedroom yeah we did pay
00:24:28come on yeah let's do it
00:24:53what do you want for dinner hmm I was thinking about that yeah yep but I have decided that today
00:25:01is all
00:25:01about you Scott it's your day anywhere you want to go whatever's fine with me okay how about casa de
00:25:09fruta
00:25:09oh god no anywhere but there seriously hate that place uh Kim you just said anywhere's fine whatever's
00:25:17fine but not that place obviously duh jeez how well do we even know each other look we went there
00:25:27together I know about it because of you I know I know and I didn't want to tell you verbally
00:25:33but I
00:25:33really hated the place but I figured that you would know by how quiet I got you said you had
00:25:38a headache
00:25:39yeah from that place I just like casa de fruta and you said whatever's fine oh my god you are
00:25:50breaking my heart this is killing me I got I don't even want to play what what just tell me
00:25:56what you're
00:25:57in the mood for I'll pick a place sushi sushi yes after you read me the google articles on high
00:26:03radiation
00:26:04and mercury poisoning and my allergy so uh are you trying to kill me no baby I'm not trying to
00:26:12kill
00:26:12you who would pay for dinner okay leaving sushi aside oh Monterey Bay seafood house please please I love
00:26:20that place please yes okay again with the seafood okay my throat it seems to be closing up
00:26:28all of a sudden result in death and tracheotomy on my day yes we can't have you having a tracheotomy
00:26:40on your day no so we'll just you know what I want and you what I want something juicy oh
00:26:47I've heard
00:26:48that about you yeah you know what steak chuck and esters oh great you're me you did that to me
00:26:59earlier you want to do it again oh my god I just got that so you want to no stupid
00:27:07the documentary
00:27:08oh the document the documentary oh that you cried like a girl because I thought we'd never have a steak
00:27:13together again look I thought enough time went by there social indignation it's over okay no yeah
00:27:19it's not over it's never gonna be over never ever ever maybe they're talking about other meats please
00:27:23Cambodia meats Tibetan Lama come on a steak come on a steak at chuck and esters is so juicy
00:27:32no it's not it never will be choose food I want to eat I'm hungry I'm getting grumpy okay Indian
00:27:39food
00:27:40no burgers boring yeah because I think that Mexican what oh okay El Burrito remember El Burrito the wait
00:27:55there's 40 minutes I refuse seriously just pick food please okay that I know that you like yes
00:28:02whatever okay that isn't chicken whatever not me not turkey not seafood not Indian not Mexican not
00:28:08Italian not Viking food not fondue not cheeses not various dairy not grains nothing from any of the food
00:28:17groups let me think let me think
00:29:02it's day 763 we're still here no I'm so glad you guys are here for MTV's behind bars finally finally
00:29:10my lawyer
00:29:11told me I would only be here like a month probably it's not a lot longer than that 700 days
00:29:19later I'm just
00:29:20grateful for um for my friend here friend of we're friends we're besties this might we're friends of
00:29:27opportunity really or FOP FOP what was last night last night we don't talk about last night I'm
00:29:36talking about last night right now did the kiss mean nothing to you I'm innocent they got me in on
00:29:43trumped
00:29:44up tax evasion charges that's only because they couldn't find the body but I'm innocent not really
00:29:51sure what else you guys want to know about um how long have we actually been here it wasn't a
00:29:57month over
00:29:57700 days as I've said before it's been a long time I even had a spoon and tried to Andy
00:30:04Dufresne my
00:30:04way out but they found it she had the wrong poster so it wasn't really the same it was Superman
00:30:09it was
00:30:09a bad choice I don't know why why super old Superman too it was Christopher Reeves it wasn't even recent
00:30:16why would you okay first of all Christopher Reeves is a better Superman than the anyway it was just not
00:30:23it didn't have the same Andy Dufresne kind of feel to it I just thought if I pretended like I
00:30:29was in a
00:30:30movie then they would finally get it and let us out of here because obviously as my lawyer
00:30:34said I shouldn't still be in here because I wouldn't do anything I mean there was a black
00:30:39person in here there was a black there was they threw them out after like a year right
00:30:43why are we still here yeah yeah this is prisoner number one three one four five nine correct sugar
00:30:51mac lewis oh what else you need oh yeah prison changes a man changes you I used to be a
00:31:01leggy blonde
00:31:02stewardess for Air France yeah yeah this feel a little bit too comfortable I'm thinking of doing
00:31:12a mod what the kids call it for this new pong game where you make the the balls a different
00:31:17color not
00:31:19unlike here in prison why are you here oh I killed a guy but it was self-defense so I
00:31:28mean George Zimmerman did
00:31:30it I I stole lines from the Mexican cartel what I was a dare I was I I made a
00:31:40hundred bucks it's like
00:31:41killing a baby what that's how bad that is I you you actually did kill somebody yeah baby that was
00:31:51self-defense and you're disgusting because you stole lines I'm disgusting because I stole lines I don't
00:31:59even I don't even want to be next to you anymore no I don't want to be next to you
00:32:03I think we're way too
00:32:04close as it is can we can I can I can I get a new cellmate no no no no
00:32:10she can't I mean we've got
00:32:12we've got a cafeteria where it's all you can eat I mean they give you a certain amount and that's
00:32:18all
00:32:18you can eat Tuesday's taco day everybody wants the taco I am often the taco what a lot of people
00:32:41don't know is uh we here I have some significant nuisances in the prison system uh one one of which
00:32:47uh a lot of the games that they give us ain't updated uh right now we playing sorry and I
00:32:52don't
00:32:52I don't I don't like sorry I never liked it because I feel it is uh it's disingenuous uh when
00:32:57you're
00:32:57gonna knock somebody's piece off the board and then say sorry and obviously uh you don't mean sorry
00:33:02and there have been many many instances of deaths uh the bloodshed over the game and I've told the warden
00:33:07I said we had 37 people die over over this game and he gonna tell me how you know
00:33:11it has nothing to do with sorry I said there's a piece embedded in the man's skull how how do
00:33:15you
00:33:15not know that that has to do to sorry I said uh but yet we still have sorry wait this
00:33:22is what I look
00:33:23like we don't have mirrors in here oh shit uh what's my name uh Tommy Dinklage aka uh Tommy Tenfingers
00:33:38I grew up near Three Mile Island I was the only kid in my neighborhood that uh was born with
00:33:42a full
00:33:42set of hands I mean really what it's all about it's just a bunch of the guys roughhousing you know
00:33:48how bad can that be peanut butter yeah peanut butter I mean who doesn't like peanut butter
00:33:55I made this from the guy in the cell next to me ask me how you know they uh still
00:34:04didn't find the gun
00:34:04kind of brought in with me so I've tried tumbling my way out of here but they only give me
00:34:17plastic spoons
00:34:18now it takes so forever this is how far I've gotten is it because I said your dog's ugly it's
00:34:28because you
00:34:29pooed in your sleep a lot and yesterday was taco Tuesday really
00:34:38I imagine being in a locked cell with that
00:35:16it's neither it's neither it's sugar man uh sugar man they called me sugar man when I was little
00:35:21uh because I like to put sugar on my pancake and uh it's something about the the sugar that works
00:35:27against the starch of pancake and and so you know explosion of flavors uh in your mouth and I would
00:35:33suggest that you use the sugar uh on your pancakes uh now in here uh they call me sugar man
00:35:38for something
00:35:38some other reason because sugar can mean kiss and so uh I I've maintained that sugar man nickname
00:35:44well an idea that I have uh here in prison that I would like to institute is etiquette um right
00:35:52now
00:35:52prison etiquette is is not in good shape with communication and how we deal with each other
00:35:59and I am from Connecticut uh Smith educated no man I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't mean I honestly didn't
00:36:08mean you know it's just you it's been a while when you hear that you you know you just see
00:36:12people you
00:36:13don't see nobody with lips like yours you have their supple supple lips and those are sort of the
00:36:18things that we value here and and I apologize for trying to kiss you I do but it was actually
00:36:23both
00:36:23our faults for you getting so close to the to the to the cage beast if you know what I
00:36:26mean uh the
00:36:27cage beast you get coaching cage beast cage beast gonna kiss you that's that that's the rule of life
00:36:31that's the rule of the jungle cage beast you get coaching cage beast kiss you and you got nice lips
00:36:36but I want I do want to apologize for trying to kiss you and and you might want to get
00:36:40yourself tested
00:36:41I uh was raised with Emily Post understanding etiquette Connecticut is where I'm from
00:36:47etiquette Connecticut and I would like to institute a kind of new etiquette into the prison system
00:36:55right now we communicate with fits and starts um it's very much hi how are you good morning
00:37:04that's how I like to start my morning and oftentimes I hear a response shut the fuck up bitch
00:37:10or I'll hear I'll say good morning how are you how was your sleep and they'll say
00:37:15I'll sleep when I'm dead motherfucker and I'm like wonderful nice nice to see you Sharice
00:37:22um or nice to see you Latoya or maybe so I would like to introduce something like
00:37:31when I hear I'll fucking cut you bitch I say wonderful initiative let's have lunch together
00:37:39when I was in high school I was sort of wild I was a mathlete and they brought us in
00:37:45mass to
00:37:46a scared straight program and it was very effective I woke up every morning think thinking don't go
00:37:56to jail and at lunch I think don't go to jail at nighttime I think don't go to jail every
00:38:01day
00:38:01after day after day I think don't go to jail I might have manifested this you don't think Pluto
00:38:10is a planet you're gonna tell me Pluto is not a planet I'll kill you and I don't I love
00:38:16people
00:38:16I love people people are science people are walking molecules that get together and decide to be a
00:38:22person for a while so it's cool just educate yourself or I'll kill you what do I miss I I
00:38:34don't miss the
00:38:35colors gray and orange I have an issue uh as a mid-level Power Ranger uh with my uh sailmate
00:38:42uh my
00:38:42sailmate's name is uh is is Rufus 1010 and he gonna tell me something about toilet paper and I said
00:38:48I said
00:38:48here's another news for me toilet paper uh is an issue here we don't have much of it but I
00:38:54like to
00:38:54be clean and and I and I use many many many rolls and and if I need to I might
00:38:59use two ply I might use
00:39:00one ply and he gonna tell me he asked me hey what's wrong with you and I said what do
00:39:04you mean what's
00:39:05wrong with me and he said well I thought he meant because my wife done died and and I had
00:39:09a kill but
00:39:10he said uh he said what's wrong with you you've been using a lot of toilet paper you used 47
00:39:13sheets of
00:39:14toilet paper and I said I I first of all what's wrong with you count a man's toilet paper sheets
00:39:19how you gonna count a man's toilet paper sheets there's something wrong with you I like to be
00:39:22clean okay now and now we don't are you paying for the toilet paper cracker and 1010 are you paying
00:39:26for
00:39:26it are you paying for the toilet paper because I don't see me paying for the toilet paper I'll use
00:39:30as much toilet paper as one of you toilet paper you know they told you not to come in front
00:39:34of that
00:39:34line but it's all right you know like I feel like we could get to know each other better come
00:39:38on
00:39:38it's uh just so I can touch you please I promise I won't grab your face again like last time
00:39:47you know I still I don't know why I'm in here uh you know I committed a lot of prisoners
00:39:52will say
00:39:52they they uh didn't commit the crime I admit I committed it it was a white collar crime uh yet
00:39:57I'm
00:39:58locked up in maximum uh security prison now now now white collar crime can mean many different
00:40:03things at least I was trying to get that point across to my lawyer in my instance white collar crime
00:40:07is I saw a white man and I talked tagged on his collar a little bit too much and then
00:40:12he died
00:40:34still nothing did we wait something ain't right probably the heat
00:40:42we should cut bait I got that feeling this is a lot of money Larson
00:40:49you know we could we could retire we could go to Mexico go north we can wait two minutes
00:40:58it's never late
00:41:02yeah sometimes I get to wondering if there ain't other ways you could
00:41:07see what's coming you know if I could like put my ear on the track of my life and find
00:41:11out what's in store
00:41:13they say you never hear the one that gets you
00:41:16yeah well I wonder
00:41:21yeah check one more time
00:41:26nothing
00:41:31yeah you know my mom used to get so mad at me playing on them train tracks say I'm gonna
00:41:36get myself killed
00:41:38well here I am
00:41:41all human things are subject to decay
00:41:44when faith summons monarchs must obey
00:41:49that the Bible
00:41:51no
00:41:53you think we'll have to pay for our crimes Larson I mean you know like in the afterlife
00:41:58I think we're gonna have to pay for them right here
00:42:01that's two minutes check one more time
00:42:07wow
00:42:11good
00:42:13I need to break a winning streak
00:42:18that's funny I don't feel anything
00:42:21it don't make no sense
00:42:23we're on time for this Joey Bell
00:42:25I ain't joshing
00:42:29come feel for yourself dammit
00:42:30good god
00:42:47good god
00:42:55good god
00:42:57well
00:42:57good
00:42:57good
00:42:58good
00:42:58good
00:43:01good
00:43:02good
00:43:02good
00:43:03come on
00:44:15I think that we're going to be getting PK and electrothermic readings off the scale.
00:44:20This entire area, this whole area right here.
00:44:23This area, interestingly enough, used to be an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
00:44:28Burial ground, sure.
00:44:29Are you getting any readings?
00:44:31Not at the moment.
00:44:33Proximity thing? Maybe we need to find the right spot?
00:44:36No. No. I'm just not getting anything at all, actually.
00:44:40Is the power on?
00:44:41I guess so.
00:44:45Did you put fresh batteries in it?
00:44:48Batteries?
00:44:48Yes. Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
00:44:53Actually, I thought you were supposed to put batteries in there.
00:44:56Why? It's your invention.
00:44:57Yeah, but I remember that, remember in the car? I said, do you have batteries?
00:45:01And I said no.
00:45:03You did. You did.
00:45:06So?
00:45:07So we should be getting all kinds of thermographic readings, all off the scale. A lot of it we have
00:45:13to analyze.
00:45:13Hang on there. What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
00:45:18This here?
00:45:18Yes.
00:45:19That's an interesting question.
00:45:21Thank you. Do you have an interesting answer for me?
00:45:24This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
00:45:32A meat thermometer.
00:45:34A meat thermometer that's been heavily modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
00:45:39How is that possible?
00:45:41Well, because psychokinetic energy is a broad spectrum, and you're able to...
00:45:45No! How?
00:45:47Oh, well, I put it on this really cool antenna. See?
00:45:50Right there.
00:45:51And you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
00:45:55Well, actually, it doesn't need batteries.
00:45:58It doesn't?
00:45:59No. It's a meat thermometer.
00:46:03It's solar powered.
00:46:05Then why are we using it at night?
00:46:12We always do stuff at night.
00:46:16SHUT UP, GUYS!
00:46:18And that is for your solar powered meat thermometer!
00:46:27AHHHHH!
00:46:30AHHHHH!
00:46:32AHHHHH!
00:46:33AHHHHH!
00:46:34AHHHHH!
00:46:35AHHHHH!
00:46:36AHHHHH!
00:46:38AHHHHH!
00:46:44There has been all sorts of documented, remarkable phenomenon that's occurred in this very building.
00:46:51Reports of all kinds of visible, and I mean visible to the naked eye, apparitions.
00:46:56Objects flying through the room, and frankly, demons.
00:47:02Let's go in.
00:47:09Let's go in.
00:47:22I think it's locked.
00:47:24You do?
00:47:25You did call the manager, didn't you?
00:47:27I thought you were going to call the manager.
00:47:28Did you see me call the manager?
00:47:30Well, it wasn't observable phenomenon, no.
00:47:33That's because I didn't call the manager.
00:47:38Well, why not?
00:47:39Because you were supposed to call the manager.
00:47:41No, I wasn't.
00:47:42He's your brother-in-law.
00:47:45Obviously, you were supposed to call the manager because you wouldn't even give me the number.
00:47:49Because you keep hitting on my sister.
00:47:51That's not relevant right now, because we are standing here one room away from-
00:48:05What's the word?
00:48:07Evidence.
00:48:08Evidence!
00:48:08Evidence of ghost activity inside this very building.
00:48:13This building.
00:48:15Two rooms away.
00:48:16Two rooms away!
00:48:21Why are you pointing at the door?
00:48:23It would be right in there.
00:48:27I think we established that, actually.
00:48:39Second episode.
00:48:42Fuck!
00:48:43We've got to get him.
00:48:45Hey!
00:48:45What the hell are you guys doing over there?
00:48:47Wow!
00:48:48Did you hear that?
00:48:50Oh, close.
00:48:54Ah.
00:48:56Ah.
00:48:57Ah.
00:48:59Ah.
00:49:00Ah.
00:49:01Ah.
00:49:03Ah!
00:49:04Ah!
00:49:04Ah!
00:49:05Ah!
00:49:05Ah!
00:49:06Ah!
00:49:11Welcome to Ghost Quest!
00:49:13A retrospective!
00:49:15Ah!
00:49:16Ah!
00:49:17Ah!
00:49:18Ah!
00:49:19number two.
00:49:20And on today's show, we take a look back at, you know what, we probably shouldn't do that.
00:49:24On these shows, they always do that.
00:49:26They always say, we'll take a look back at something, we're going to show you, and then
00:49:29they show you.
00:49:30In keeping with our theme of the unknown shall be found, I think we should boldly go somewhere
00:49:39else, as it were.
00:49:41We should actually tell them something about what they're about to see.
00:49:45Remember what happened when we didn't prepare anyone for the Pacoima zombie of terror.
00:49:49Oh yeah, good point.
00:49:50We got flamed in the emails and comments on that one.
00:49:53Thanks.
00:49:54Oh, and of course there was that thing with the cat.
00:49:56Yes, tragic.
00:49:57Yeah, the Barrowman electrolyzer should not cause swelling of the cerebellum.
00:50:01Not to that extent.
00:50:02Poor, poor Mrs. Schrodinger.
00:50:07It's only fair that we should tell them something about what they're about to see, as it will
00:50:12chill them to the bone with blood-curdling terror.
00:50:16Oh, that's right.
00:50:17Here's an ad from one of our sponsors.
00:50:19That's not what I was talking about, but okay.
00:50:23It's on sale.
00:50:24All of it's sale.
00:50:26I cut off perfectly good leg and put on peg leg.
00:50:29Why?
00:50:29Because I'm crazy.
00:50:31Yeah!
00:50:32Hi-fi stereo, $49.95.
00:50:35Today and yesterday only.
00:50:38Why is $49.95 flashing on screen?
00:50:41Because I track off leg?
00:50:43No!
00:50:44Because I'm crazy.
00:50:46Are you kidding me?
00:50:47Look at this leg.
00:50:49Buy two hi-fi stereo systems, I throw in two severed heads.
00:50:54Don't be afraid.
00:50:56I'm crazy Ahab.
00:50:58I cut off leg every day to make good price.
00:51:01Have I got the peg leg for you?
00:51:04Cutting everything, including prices, today!
00:51:08Why?
00:51:08Are you kidding me?
00:51:10Because I'm crazy!
00:51:12$19.99, now $8.99.
00:51:14$1.99, gone!
00:51:16$18.95, temporarily $22.95, slashed $22.46.
00:51:23Why?
00:51:24Don't you do it.
00:51:25This leg is mine.
00:51:27Hi-fi!
00:51:28Walkman!
00:51:29VCR!
00:51:30Beeper!
00:51:30Gone!
00:51:32And more legs soon!
00:51:34Why?
00:51:35You know why.
00:51:36Because I'm crazy!
00:51:39AHAHAHA!
00:51:40Gee, I hope he doesn't cut off any more of his legs.
00:51:43Ghost Quest!
00:51:45Exclamation point!
00:51:46Is our ongoing foray into the world of the paranormal, the supernatural, the unexplained.
00:51:53We've been offered many tantalizing glimpses into the world beyond, but few as potentially
00:51:59terrifying as this episode from Season 1.4, The Swing of Doom.
00:52:05So, here it is.
00:52:08The Baldwin Park Swing of Doom.
00:52:12Three hours into our investigation and still no movement from the swing, I fear that this
00:52:16might prove to be a textbook example of the Heisenberg Principle.
00:52:21Historically, the Uncertainty Principle has been confused with a somewhat similar phenomenon
00:52:25in physics known as the Observer Effect, which states that measurements of certain systems
00:52:30cannot be made without affecting those systems.
00:52:33Heisenberg noted this effect at the quantum level.
00:52:36Except that in this particular instance, nothing is happening.
00:52:40Perhaps, as we observe this aluminum alloy rod construct with a magnificent chain-linked
00:52:47seat connector built, allegedly, on yet another Chumash Indian burial ground, our mere skepticism
00:52:53has suppressed the very phenomenon we've come to observe.
00:52:56Now, if there were some observable phenomenon, it would look something like this.
00:53:29Without a doubt, one of the most terrifying things we've failed to observe.
00:53:33In this next clip, observe we do.
00:53:35Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yes! Yes.
00:53:41Yes, we observe the ghost droppings of Reptilio Man.
00:53:45In this episode from Season 1.7, The Terrifying Evil of Reptilio Man.
00:53:52Now, even though we're searching for the ghost of Reptilio Man, we are using equipment that attracts a living being.
00:54:00Isn't that a bit like using a dog whistle to attract a fish?
00:54:03Precisely.
00:54:06So, what have you brought that will actually attract Reptilio Man?
00:54:12Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:15Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:17Yes, specifically, trout-fish-scented and crappy fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:22You see, according to eyewitness accounts, Reptilio Man is very dangerous.
00:54:26No one has ever seen him and lived.
00:54:30How does that make any sense?
00:54:31What do you mean?
00:54:32So, did they die eventually, say 30 years later in their sleep?
00:54:37Or is there some implication that seeing Reptilio Man immediately caused their deaths?
00:54:42Oh, I see your point.
00:54:45And?
00:54:46A little popcorn.
00:54:54What lies beyond the locked door of death?
00:54:57Indeed, the locked door of death.
00:55:00There are many barriers to the unknown.
00:55:03Many gateways left untraveled.
00:55:05And often, the unknown lies in wait beyond the locked door.
00:55:11Here, from the final episode of Season 2.8, The Locked...
00:55:16Locked!
00:55:17Door of Death.
00:55:20Give it me.
00:55:26The locked.
00:55:27How is it possible for a door to be locked from both sides?
00:55:31You did, however, mention a key.
00:55:33Yes, I did.
00:55:34I mentioned not having a key.
00:55:39Are you sure?
00:55:39Yes!
00:55:41Why would we be standing knee-deep in raw sewage if we had a key?
00:55:46To find the answer?
00:55:48To what?
00:55:49Does standing in raw sewage actually become more unpleasant over time?
00:55:53Now, there's a definite salty tone in your voice I don't much appreciate.
00:55:57Now, I'm not the one who forgot the key!
00:56:00I never had the key!
00:56:02The key never existed!
00:56:04How could you have locked the door without the key?
00:56:06I didn't lock the door!
00:56:08So, you're implying that perhaps some unseen force locked the door?
00:56:15Hmm?
00:56:17Don't look at me like that! I'm serious!
00:56:20Here's an unseen force for you.
00:56:22Ow!
00:56:31Okay, Thor, our cameraman, requested this one.
00:56:34Our experiences in this investigation had the most far-reaching consequences of any we've encountered thus far.
00:56:41From Season 2.1, The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
00:56:47What?
00:56:48It was, as I said, something I've been working on for some time now.
00:56:53There's been much talk of these magnets and their magnetic fields down through the ages.
00:56:59Legend has it that Manganese was herding his sheep in an area of northern Greece called Manganesia.
00:57:07Manganesia.
00:57:09About 4,000 years ago.
00:57:11But alas!
00:57:12He died!
00:57:13Still craving the elusive magnet.
00:57:15A magnet that would never be made practical!
00:57:18Until now.
00:57:20You wonder what I do when you drop me off after the show because I lost my license?
00:57:24Well, my friend, it's not sitting in front of the computer doing what you think.
00:57:31No!
00:57:32No, no, no, no, no!
00:57:34It's mostly creating the first handheld portable magnet.
00:57:39The South Pole was easy.
00:57:40Oh, it was easy.
00:57:41The mechanism for the magnetic field surrounding the South Pole was many, many vigorous strokes of magnetite on my rod
00:57:47away.
00:57:47But the North Pole, the North Pole eluded me.
00:57:52I had one pole of a magnet invented, but it would be years before I would stop going south and
00:57:57instead turn north.
00:57:58Creating a balanced rod of not one, but two poles north and south whose attractive force was measurable and real!
00:58:06Real, Spencer!
00:58:08As real as me telling you this now!
00:58:13That's some wild, unprovable flight of fancy like those of James Clerk Maxwell!
00:58:20No.
00:58:21This was a magnet.
00:58:23Real!
00:58:24Metal and I!
00:58:25I alone created it!
00:58:26It was me, Spencer!
00:58:28It was me all along!
00:58:33But that's not all!
00:58:35No!
00:58:36That's not enough!
00:58:37With truly powerful forces at work in my fevered brain, I created this extraordinarily powerful electromagnet, producing a magnetic field
00:58:47of ten to the eleventh gauss.
00:58:50Wait!
00:58:51Don't you think that's a bad idea?
00:58:52Ha!
00:59:01You guys didn't drop this in a black hole, did you?
00:59:04I can assure you that that camera has not been dropped into a black hole.
00:59:10No black hole.
00:59:13No black hole.
00:59:15Or expose it to an extraordinarily powerful electromagnet?
00:59:19Uh, what do you mean?
00:59:22Oh, like magnitude gauss times ten to the tenth, ten to the twelfth.
00:59:27Kind of like the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:30I swear that that equipment has not been on the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:36We are not lying.
00:59:38We wouldn't lie to you.
00:59:39Or the manufacturer.
00:59:41Not lying.
00:59:48Wouldn't lie.
00:59:54You gonna want the spoon back?
00:59:56I'm afraid I do.
00:59:58Sure.
01:00:10The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
01:00:13It was me.
01:00:15All along.
01:00:18Regrettably.
01:00:22That's it for Ghost Quest Retrospective Number 1.0.
01:00:26Subscribe to this channel for more episodes.
01:00:28Let us know what you'd like to see George Flattman and Spencer Billingsley investigate next.
01:00:33Follow us on Twitter at GhostQuestShow, Facebook, and your nearest Ouija board.
01:00:40Spencer, there's a problem with the Barrowman Electrolyzer.
01:00:43To be continued.
01:00:46To be continued.
01:00:51To be continued.
01:01:11This could very well be some of the most terrifying footage we've ever recorded.
01:01:16Oh, okay, the readings are off the scale.
01:01:20Put that down! We won't want to screw this up.
01:01:22What? Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There it is. There it is. Slenderman. In those trees. Look!
01:01:28It appears to not see us, but there is Slenderman. You're getting this, right?
01:01:32Oh, I see it!
01:01:33No! On the camera!
01:01:35It's rolling, and, uh...
01:01:36What? What?
01:01:37There are fresh batteries in the camera.
01:01:40This time.
01:01:40Why is the viewfinder black?
01:01:43It's nighttime.
01:01:44The lens cap is on!
01:01:45Wait, he's moving!
01:01:46Okay, he's moving. He's moving.
01:01:48The lens cap is on! Take it off!
01:01:50But we'll miss him!
01:01:51Do it!
01:01:59Ah, fuck!
01:02:03Slenderman was right over there.
01:02:20So as we were filming, it occurred to me that Slenderman, you know, much like a vampire,
01:02:27I couldn't see him through the viewfinder.
01:02:30You know, I could see him, you know, directly, obviously, with my own eyes.
01:02:35And, wow!
01:02:37I mean, I wish that you could have, uh, but, of course, I couldn't see Slenderman through
01:02:45the viewfinder.
01:02:47It's only logical.
01:02:49So, apparently, the trees, the bushes, the buildings, and the streetlights are all vampires because
01:02:59they don't register in the viewfinder either.
01:03:03I won't pull any punches here.
01:03:06I won't pull any punches here.
01:03:06Spencer was angry.
01:03:07I think it's called a rage spiral.
01:03:11I'm a vampire.
01:03:13I must be a vampire.
01:03:15I must be a vampire.
01:03:15This is a vampire.
01:03:17See this?
01:03:17This is a vampire.
01:03:19You're a vampire!
01:03:21You're a vampire!
01:03:22If you're going to have any kind of real scientific integrity, like we do, you have to open yourself
01:03:29up to criticism, to a kind of studied scrutiny of your methods and your conclusions.
01:03:36George is an idiot.
01:03:39Shooting this kind of phenomenon is a real crapshoot, especially when we're involved.
01:03:44I don't know.
01:03:47I don't know.
01:03:49I don't know.
01:03:51I don't know.
01:03:52I don't know.
01:03:54I don't know.
01:03:54I don't know.
01:03:55I don't know.
01:03:55I don't know.
01:03:56I don't know.
01:03:57I don't know.
01:03:57Day one of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:05As of 1637 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:17Day four of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:24As of 1322 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:35Day ten of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:42As of 1153 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:53Day thirteen of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:01As of 1153 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:20Day eighteen of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:26As of 1714 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:57Hello.
01:05:58I'm Spencer Billingsley.
01:05:59And I'm George Flatman.
01:06:01Welcome.
01:06:02Welcome to Ghost Quest.
01:06:04We're standing outside Our Lady of Perpetual Juxtaposition Cemetery in Roseby, California,
01:06:09where there have been numerous sightings of a terrifying apparition that local residents have come to refer to as the
01:06:16evil flaming skull of Corey Clemo.
01:06:19Indeed, part of the challenge of this type of investigation is the fact that there is no artificial lighting in
01:06:26the cemetery and the nearest street light is like half a mile away.
01:06:30Visibility to the unaided eye is essentially zero.
01:06:34That's why we've come armed with some formidable technology.
01:06:38These are the latest generation night vision goggles or NVGs.
01:06:43The imaging circuitry in these glasses is so advanced that placing a single candle on the fifty-yard line of
01:06:51an otherwise pitch black football field can render the entire field bright as day.
01:06:56Now, needless to say, it's very important to avoid looking directly into any high-intensity light sources.
01:07:02Well, I didn't want to be cut out of any cutting-edge technology.
01:07:06What do you have here?
01:07:08Well, this is the Hexalume MF9200, and that is a portable high-intensity LED floodlight.
01:07:16Now, it provides a three-hour burn with a single strontium sulfide rechargeable battery that is no bigger than a
01:07:25bar of soap.
01:07:26That's impressive. What's the output?
01:07:28Well, for this baby, these dual-quad emitters produce light equivalent to a 10,000-watt halogen bulb.
01:07:39Here, take a look.
01:07:40No, don't!
01:07:49Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories.
01:07:52Today, we're going to take a first look at the model MM5 multiphasic magnetometer.
01:07:58Now, this baby has been subjected to some of the most rigorous testing, and we are confident that it will
01:08:04hold up under the most demanding field use and provide the highest level of performance on the test bench.
01:08:11Bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5.
01:08:34Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories, and today, we're going to take a look at the
01:08:39model MM5 Mark II improved multiphasic magnetometer.
01:08:45Now, this baby has been subjected to all kinds of rigorous tests, including the vibration test and computer modeling,
01:08:52and we are confident that she'll be able to provide some of the finest in field performance and the highest
01:08:59level of performance right here on the test bench.
01:09:02Even more bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5 Mark II.
01:09:29Step 16, replace the sample receptacle sub-housing and close the casing manifold by pressing the
01:09:39three tabs back into the slot while holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:45Okay.
01:09:46Okay.
01:09:46Replace the sample receptacle sub-housing, close the casing manifold, three tabs are in, holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:58Okay, here, and we've got step 17, seal the assembly with 15 8mm bolts moving clockwise beginning from position 4.
01:10:08Why position 4?
01:10:10It's a procedure.
01:10:12I mean, we've done extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:10:16So now you're calling your mother's basement Flatman Laboratories?
01:10:23My mother has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
01:10:30Okay.
01:10:31Fifteen bolts.
01:10:34Fifteen bolts?
01:10:35That seems a lot.
01:10:36Do you want to do four?
01:10:37Yeah, four seems better.
01:10:40Got it?
01:10:46There we go.
01:10:49Next step.
01:10:50Turn on the heating elements and the argon gas and don't open for 42 hours.
01:10:58Okay.
01:11:01Okay.
01:11:02Now, place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:10Excuse me?
01:11:11Yeah.
01:11:12Place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:15No.
01:11:15That's step one.
01:11:17That's step one?
01:11:19Yeah.
01:11:20How are we going to test it without, you know, placing it in the device?
01:11:24How are we going to place it in the device when we just spent two hours sealing the device?
01:11:29Well, obviously I said put the sample in the device first.
01:11:34I know I said that.
01:11:36I did say that.
01:11:38I said that.
01:11:39No, you didn't.
01:11:40No.
01:11:40I must have.
01:11:42Probably.
01:11:43No.
01:11:44Probably.
01:11:44You didn't.
01:11:44You were going on about extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:11:48Yes.
01:11:49Extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:11:59I have a question for you.
01:12:01Sure.
01:12:03Why does the test procedure begin with step two and end with step one?
01:12:17I don't need to ask my mother.
01:12:23I'm going to hang on to this until...
01:12:25Mom!
01:12:33Yeah, and frankly we're going to get PK readings and electrothermic readings that are just off
01:12:38the scale.
01:12:39This entire area.
01:12:40This area.
01:12:41Actually here.
01:12:41This area, interestingly, was once an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
01:12:46Burial ground.
01:12:47Sure.
01:12:47So you getting any readings?
01:12:49Not at the moment.
01:12:50It's a proximity thing.
01:12:52Maybe we need to find the right spot?
01:12:55No.
01:12:56No.
01:12:56I'm just not getting any readings at all.
01:12:58Is the power on?
01:13:00I guess so.
01:13:03Did you put fresh batteries in it?
01:13:05Batteries?
01:13:06Yes.
01:13:07Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
01:13:11Yeah.
01:13:11Actually, I thought you put the batteries in it.
01:13:13Why?
01:13:14It's your invention.
01:13:15Yeah, but I remember in the car, I said to you, do you have any batteries?
01:13:18And I said no.
01:13:19No.
01:13:21You did.
01:13:22You did.
01:13:23You did.
01:13:23So?
01:13:24So, the kind of thermographic readings we're going to have off scale.
01:13:28There's going to be so much data that we have to digest and analyze.
01:13:31It's frankly going to take months just to get this out.
01:13:34Hang on there.
01:13:35Hold on.
01:13:36What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
01:13:40This?
01:13:41This here?
01:13:42Yes.
01:13:43That's an interesting question.
01:13:45Do you have an interesting answer for me?
01:13:47This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
01:13:56A meat thermometer.
01:13:58A meat thermometer that's been highly modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
01:14:03How is that possible?
01:14:08Well, psychokinetic energy is really a broad spectrum.
01:14:11No.
01:14:12How?
01:14:15Well, I put this really cool antenna on it.
01:14:17I don't know if you can see that, but that's...
01:14:19And you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
01:14:24Actually, it doesn't need batteries.
01:14:25It doesn't?
01:14:26No.
01:14:27It's a meat thermometer.
01:14:30Solar power.
01:14:36Then why are we using it at night?
01:14:44We always do stuff at night.
01:14:49And that is for your solar-powered meat thermometer!
01:15:11And now, here is the weather, as it has been foretold.
01:15:18Well, it looks like another rough week in the Holy Land.
01:15:22Let's take a look at the scrolls.
01:15:25It shall be fire and brimstone in Hebron, with scattered thunderbolts down there in Tarsus.
01:15:32A plague of locusts shall be coming in from the south-east.
01:15:36They should be in Sodom by about noon tomorrow, so be sure to wear a hat.
01:15:42The four-day prophecy, the four-day forecast for Gomorrah, is two days.
01:15:49Now, let us divine the temperatures.
01:15:52In Jerusalem, it shall be hot.
01:15:56In the Bethlehem areas, it shall be very hot.
01:16:02And in the valley of Megiddo, ye shall seek the cover of a large rock.
01:16:06As a pillar of fire is touched down near a mini-market.
01:16:10A pillar of salt likely upon direct viewing.
01:16:13And the love of many shall wax cold.
01:16:16In the south of Egypt, a nasty spell going on there of 19 days!
01:16:21Of frogs, followed by lice, flies, locusts on Thursday, more locusts.
01:16:28And a small river of blood-flood warning in the Nile areas.
01:16:33Coming from the south-south-east, leprosy.
01:16:36Coming from the north-north-west, leprosy.
01:16:41Looking to the coastal areas now, a thick darkness shall lay upon the face of the land on Friday.
01:16:47With a 99% chance of the death of all first-born.
01:16:51Egypt, not a good vacation choice this long weekend.
01:16:57In the Mediterranean now, a low-pressure front brought in by almighty winds.
01:17:02We shall see 40 days and 40 nights of rain.
01:17:06Followed by widespread flooding.
01:17:08As we see the continued effect of El Nino.
01:17:12And speaking of El Nino, birthday wishes.
01:17:15For today a child is born.
01:17:17Today a child is given.
01:17:19For today Joseph begat Jesus.
01:17:23So be sure to set your calendars back to zero.
01:17:26That is the weather, as it has been prophesized.
01:17:30Is this divine retribution?
01:17:34Right, you brought that on yourself.
01:17:38There's always one, isn't there?
01:17:40There's always what you saw in.
01:17:41Right.
01:17:43Now!
01:17:44Sports!
01:18:13It's not cold.
01:18:16It's not cold.
01:18:17No, we can't.
01:18:25It's not cold.
01:18:26No cold.
01:18:29No cold.
01:18:32Nice cold.
01:18:32It's very cold.
01:18:36It's not cold.
01:18:56If this sentence were in Chinese, I would be saying something else.
01:19:03I speak of the Chinese language merely because of my brief and tempestuous marriage to a
01:19:09woman from the Manchu province of China.
01:19:12It's very lonely down the mines, so I signed up for the LonelyPillockDatingService.com
01:19:20via the internet.
01:19:22In case you haven't heard of it, the internet is a complex global web of interconnections
01:19:27that allows me to receive my junk mail instantly.
01:19:33Through the LonelyPillockDatingService.com, I clicked on a button marked Women, and to
01:19:39my surprise, for only six months' pay, plus postage and handling, I immediately found
01:19:45my soulmate, who was, as I feared, in China.
01:19:51They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so I sent her a picture of Pierce Brosnan.
01:19:57It was the longest letter I ever wrote.
01:20:02For her, it was love at first sight.
01:20:05Unfortunately, she saw me again a few times after that.
01:20:10You see, she arrived via what's now called snail mail.
01:20:15Snail mail, I am happy to report, is not mail delivered by garden-dwelling mollusks.
01:20:22This I learnt the hard way, after many hours sitting in my garden, waiting.
01:20:42You see, she arrived via postman, my snail mail, all the bride did.
01:20:46He was about six foot tall, looked to be seven when I first saw him, with dark wavy hair.
01:20:53And he smiled a lot.
01:21:04She was about five foot tall, and she smiled a lot too, at first.
01:21:30After a few months, I noted with interest that neither of us understood what the other
01:21:36one was saying.
01:21:37Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:39I have encouraged you to learn English.
01:21:43Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:45Sorry, I didn't catch a word out there.
01:21:48Dirty man!
01:21:49Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:51Again, not getting it.
01:21:54Too nice!
01:21:56I know you're fine.
01:21:57Oh, bad husband!
01:21:59What you getting?
01:22:01A little more clarity, I'm not going to be wicked on that.
01:22:14Sorry, I'm not catching a word out there.
01:22:17I was dismayed.
01:22:19So I rang them up.
01:22:20I said, hello, what's wrong with her?
01:22:28I'm sorry, I thought you were going to say something.
01:22:33I am dismayed.
01:22:35She has all her parts.
01:22:37Can she be returned?
01:22:38Oh yes, that's intact as well.
01:22:42They told me that she was a minor and that I shouldn't tell anyone.
01:22:47I said, I'm a minor too and proud of it.
01:22:50They said, loving a minor is illegal.
01:22:53Proper people shouldn't do it.
01:22:55They hung up.
01:22:56That's why all these lovely ladies have been avoiding me all these years.
01:23:01Because I'm a minor.
01:23:03You see, I learnt from my incomprehensible pride that language is a tricky thing.
01:23:08Some say, the language barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:12The language barrier cannot be broken, they would say to me,
01:23:15and then walk away before I can say anything.
01:23:18It happens every day.
01:23:19But that's what they said about sound too, wasn't it?
01:23:22They said, the sound barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:25Yet, thanks to the efforts of American test pilot Chuck Yeager,
01:23:30you are hearing me now.
01:23:34Of course, breaking the language barrier can be a dangerous thing.
01:23:37Like the Spanish language.
01:23:39In all its subversive phrases like,
01:23:42Buenos tardes.
01:23:43Buenos tardes, you hear them say.
01:23:45Which means, of course, it's good to be tardy.
01:23:47Go down the mine.
01:23:49Go in late.
01:23:50You say, Buenos tardes to them.
01:23:52You're tardy.
01:23:53That's not buenos.
01:23:54Get out.
01:23:56Yes, the Spanish language could render sunder the very fabric of society.
01:24:01Send the earth hurling off into the oceans.
01:24:04And I'm not giving to exaggeration.
01:24:06No.
01:24:07I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
01:24:11You see, in the spring, the postman movingly told me that my snail mail order bride had come of age.
01:24:19Unfortunately, it was the bronze age.
01:24:21All I had was an iron.
01:24:24And that's, you had to go back with him now.
01:24:25I knew he had to be right.
01:24:27I knew he spoke her language.
01:24:29Because I could hear them giggling away the hours in my bedroom.
01:24:33Every day around 11am when he came by to deliver his package.
01:24:40You see, I wish I was the Chuck Yeager of languages.
01:24:43Breaking the language barrier so everyone could understand everyone else instantly.
01:24:48I think the world would be a much nicer place if we did.
01:24:51But whereas some might drink from the fountain of knowledge, I merely gargled.
01:25:01Well, that's the last statement I shall make on breaking the sound barrier.
01:25:05In fact, that's the last statement I shall make.
01:25:10No.
01:25:11I was wrong.
01:25:18Didn't catch your game.
01:25:23Harry, did you find any coal?
01:25:30It's still not coal.
01:25:35Ow.
01:25:39Ah, hopeless.
01:25:43All right.
01:25:51I am sorry.
01:25:51Okay, here you are.
01:25:52You
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