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00:00:26www.feyyaz.tv
00:00:30All I've ever wanted is to star in a film with a happy ending.
00:00:54Cut!
00:00:57My god, that was breathtaking.
00:01:00You should be so proud of yourself representing your community on screen.
00:01:06You believe how great it is.
00:01:13Yeah, let's reset that.
00:01:20Where's my coffee?
00:01:21Okay.
00:01:24Never mind.
00:01:25Your double is on the way out.
00:01:27All right, we're gonna roll on that next jump in five.
00:01:29Rolling in five.
00:02:13I'm trapped in the wrong body.
00:02:21I'd like to audition for the role of sad transgender man.
00:02:24I want to match my insides to my outsiders.
00:02:29I'd like to audition for the role of transgender best friend.
00:02:34I'm a real boy.
00:02:36I'm a real boy.
00:02:40I'm a real boy.
00:02:41I'm a real boy.
00:02:43I want to be whole.
00:02:45I want to be whole.
00:02:48I'm living my trapped.
00:02:49I'm living by trouble.
00:02:55I wish I was whole.
00:02:59I just want to be your father,
00:03:01not your mother.
00:03:04I want to be whole.
00:03:16I didn't want to surprise anyone.
00:03:20I'm just happier this way.
00:03:25State your name and the role you'd like to audition for.
00:03:30Hi, my name's...
00:03:38People ask for my name all the time.
00:03:42At some point, I started telling them it's X,
00:03:46which satisfies no one.
00:03:48Ten!
00:03:49Nine!
00:03:50But in a best-case scenario...
00:03:52Oh, freaking pussy!
00:03:53...ends the conversation.
00:04:02Years ago, when Susan said,
00:04:05you were like a son to me,
00:04:09my heart sang.
00:04:14I am the son you never had.
00:04:26No one knows how Susan and Artie fell in love.
00:04:28Hello, my love.
00:04:31And nobody knows when Susan became the team captain either.
00:04:36Let me tell you what I do now.
00:04:40One.
00:04:42A bowling ball has three holes.
00:04:46Two.
00:04:50So do I.
00:05:01Three.
00:05:03Oh, honey, it's not my birthday.
00:05:05There's rarely such a thing as...
00:05:07Oh, Artie, I know for good words.
00:05:09...just the two of us.
00:05:10What'd you bring me this time?
00:05:14Chocolate chip cookies.
00:05:17I can't eat those.
00:05:20Now, we're gonna need three size 11s,
00:05:24two size 6 1⁄2s,
00:05:26one size 8.
00:05:29I want to travel.
00:05:32I mean, I really want to have new experiences.
00:05:36Hey, can I tell you something?
00:05:42I think I might be interested in women.
00:05:46Bless you.
00:05:49It's about being in your body.
00:05:50That's what it comes down to, sweetie.
00:05:52That's what health is.
00:06:07Nobody knows if Gio is really Arnie's son.
00:06:11And frankly, nobody cares.
00:06:14I would tell Gio he's the closest thing I've ever had to a brother.
00:06:19But it just sort of goes without saying.
00:06:27Let me guess.
00:06:28You kill yourself, credits roll.
00:06:32Damn.
00:06:33I didn't mean to be literal.
00:06:42Do you get it?
00:06:47I want to be seen.
00:06:59Or is it that I want to be had?
00:07:06Break a leg.
00:07:15On my worst days, I feel like a set piece of myself.
00:07:31Last week, it took us 17 takes to get the angle of my body just right.
00:07:41My half-moon scars, poking out of the sides of my tank top.
00:07:55Axe.
00:07:58Axe.
00:07:59It's Susan.
00:08:00It's Susan.
00:08:02We need to talk.
00:08:14I'd like you to speak at my funeral.
00:08:48I don't need any water.
00:08:50Don't daddy me, young man.
00:09:00Look, I know you don't want to have to rely on anyone.
00:09:06On us.
00:09:08On me.
00:09:10Especially me, it seems like.
00:09:15And that bothers me.
00:09:18Because I need you.
00:09:27You know I can't tell you what to do with your body.
00:09:31I can't tell anybody what to do with their body.
00:09:33You can't tell anyone what to do with their body?
00:09:42Oh, I don't want to surprise anybody.
00:09:47Why now, though?
00:09:49Why anything?
00:09:50Don't overthink it.
00:09:54Maybe I'm selfish.
00:09:57Well, I'm not afraid.
00:10:02I want to stop perceiving.
00:10:08And, sweetie, you don't need me.
00:10:11You need to figure out what you do need, though.
00:10:15I don't want to stop seeing.
00:10:22Because I can't stop talking, right?
00:10:22I don't want to stop laughing at you.
00:10:25Do it, though?
00:10:29I don't want to be scared, though.
00:10:30I don't want to stay inside my head.
00:10:31I'm a half as fast as I wanted to go.
00:10:31I want to stop crying.
00:10:32I've never seen as a boy.
00:10:32I don't want to be scared.
00:10:33I even have to be tired, that I'm still alive, by the way,
00:10:33With my head, I'm still alive.
00:10:35I don't want to leave.
00:10:35No, my child.
00:12:13Which is his.
00:12:21You're still making your beautiful films?
00:12:23I haven't shot anything new in a while.
00:12:27Are you still writing?
00:12:29Yes.
00:12:31The story of a family which is a body in itself.
00:13:12I don't know.
00:13:39I don't know.
00:14:16I made this decision a long time ago.
00:14:22And none of you could have changed my mind.
00:14:30This is my year.
00:14:34But I'm ready.
00:14:38I'm letting go.
00:14:49You know what, Susan?
00:14:50I never said this to you before, but it's about damn time.
00:14:57I look up to you, and I always have.
00:15:00It's a good thing you made this plan a decade ago, because...
00:15:03If I could have one ounce of your confidence...
00:15:05It's hard enough for Rudy.
00:15:07And your happiness...
00:15:08This team is your legacy.
00:15:11You gave us such a gift.
00:15:13And I guess that's why I just don't get it.
00:15:21Yeah, yeah.
00:15:22I mean, and I want to go without it.
00:15:59Wow.
00:16:22The dollar blame, the bottle blame
00:16:28Your dealer blame, the master blame
00:16:33Your father blame, the teacher's blame
00:16:39The dollar blame, the bottle blame
00:16:45Your dealer, oh no, it's never your fault
00:16:52Oh no, it's never your fault
00:17:22I know it's a funny place to start
00:17:24But Susan's the first woman whose face I ever slapped
00:17:34We used to have knock-down, drag-out roles
00:17:41She and I both kind of liked to have a say in how things
00:17:45Should go
00:17:47I love that woman
00:17:50God knows she wasn't perfect
00:17:54But I just wished
00:17:57That she was here to drink my glass of wine
00:18:20Excuse me
00:18:37When you started the team
00:18:40Everyone was on board for a meetup or two
00:18:44No one knew this would stick
00:18:48Angela bought uniforms
00:18:50To Angela
00:18:54Was it Matilda who decided Susan should be our captain?
00:18:57To Matilda
00:18:59Rest in pleasure
00:19:04Susan said to me
00:19:06She said we all need this league
00:19:11Everyone needs a league
00:19:14I need it to live
00:19:27To the woman
00:19:31Who reminded me
00:19:32I have a body
00:19:48According to physicists
00:19:50The purple of sunsets is the result of a greater thickness of air
00:19:54Crossed only by short waves at midday
00:19:59If nothing is happening in the sky
00:20:01An apparition of this kind would disturb us less
00:20:06The wonder is that it occurs in the evening
00:20:08At the most poignant time of day
00:20:11When the sun sets
00:20:14When it pursues a more mysterious destiny
00:20:18When perhaps it dies
00:20:24Hey
00:20:25Looking for someone
00:20:30Have we met?
00:20:31I'm just in town for the funeral
00:20:33I noticed
00:20:35Where did you travel from?
00:20:37East coast
00:20:38Oh yeah?
00:20:40I used to live in New York for a little while
00:20:42What do you do out there?
00:20:44Work with kids
00:20:44I teach
00:20:47Are you an actor?
00:20:48Trying
00:20:49Can you tell by the way
00:20:50I fell apart up there?
00:20:52That was good
00:20:55I'm terrible with kids
00:20:57Are you Susan's friend?
00:21:01Did you know her well?
00:21:03Yeah
00:21:05Yes
00:21:07Were you surprised then?
00:21:09No
00:21:11Did you know her well?
00:21:18No
00:21:18Not at all
00:21:20Not at all
00:21:22Not at all
00:21:23Not at all
00:21:53Not at all
00:21:54Not at all
00:21:54Not at all
00:21:59Not at all
00:22:10Not at all
00:22:10Not at all
00:22:10Not at all
00:22:10Not at all
00:22:14Not at all
00:22:17Not at all
00:23:50Are we ready to begin?
00:24:05I, Susan Fay Peterson, a resident of LA County within the state of California, make, publish,
00:24:11and declare this to be my last will and testament, thereby revoking any and all previous wills
00:24:17and codicils made by me, beneficiaries.
00:24:22I bestow and bequeath the following property, the lavender leek, which may be divided and
00:24:28distributed at the discretion of my dear friend, Angelica.
00:24:40And I bestow and bequeath any and all interest, which may belong to me at the time of my death,
00:24:45to my daughter.
00:24:47Jane, Daniel, Bethany, holy Sarah.
00:24:54And in the addendum, on the last page of your packet, you will find my instructions for
00:25:03the dispersal of my ashes.
00:25:13In the desert.
00:25:16Any more questions?
00:25:24Susan has a son.
00:25:30Susan has a son.
00:25:37Hey.
00:25:38Hey.
00:25:38You need a ride?
00:25:40Yeah.
00:25:40To my mom's place.
00:25:51I'll tell you how to get there.
00:25:54I know how to get there.
00:25:57I'm Alex.
00:26:01Okay.
00:26:01Hey.
00:26:02Hey.
00:26:37Hey.
00:27:13It's like no one's been living here.
00:27:22She used to cook all the time when I was a kid.
00:27:39You can leave that in there.
00:28:29She used to cook all the time and cook all the time.
00:28:31I'm not alone.
00:32:53Give me that.
00:42:52Can I...
00:45:02I loved being a girl.
00:45:08I'm just not a woman.
00:45:27Mom couldn't handle the contradiction.
00:45:32It's different when you're family.
00:45:35I'm just not a woman.
00:47:09Gio, close up.
00:47:10We are going to desert with Susan and the sun no one knew about.
00:47:38It's all the same up here.
00:47:43No.
00:47:47It isn't.
00:47:51Can you imagine?
00:47:53My lover never mentioned her son was alive.
00:47:58I can't make any sense out of her map.
00:48:03She drew a bunch of, like, sci-fi gender markers in the middle of the page.
00:48:13All right, Arnie.
00:48:16Telephone lines.
00:48:18Telephone poles.
00:48:22Not everything is trans, boys.
00:48:25I can't make any sense out of her head.
00:49:55You have been staying with hot leather over there?
00:49:59Hot leather? X?
00:50:03Yeah.
00:50:08I hope you don't envy him. He is as lost as all of us.
00:50:16I did it first.
00:50:18And then?
00:50:21It's sort of like I feel pain. I can see you feel pain. And only you could possibly understand my
00:50:29pain.
00:50:30And because you are both trans?
00:50:35I'm not sure.
00:50:39What do you know about palm trees?
00:50:44Palms aren't even from Southern California.
00:50:46Just like you.
00:50:48Just like you.
00:50:50And they aren't trees. They're more like grass.
00:50:54They take up a ton of water.
00:50:57And depending on how you look at them, they either look like weird creatures or they look like paradise itself.
00:51:06And if it's a custer and you cut their heads off, they will live.
00:51:13But if it's alone and you decapitate that sucker, oh, it's going to die.
00:51:20They're unusual that way.
00:51:22I like them.
00:51:25Me too.
00:51:30You know which ones are from this region?
00:51:35The furry ones.
00:51:40Have you shown them that film yet?
00:51:44Who?
00:51:47You are in deep, lover boy.
00:51:49Step right in it this time.
00:51:52In deep.
00:51:56How's your mom?
00:51:58She's having a hard time.
00:52:02You're a good son, Gio.
00:52:06We'll find it.
00:52:11Okay.
00:52:15This makes sense to me.
00:52:18There's nothing here.
00:52:58Can someone tell me who she became?
00:53:03I'm looking for my mom.
00:53:07Look around, child.
00:53:09No.
00:53:13No...
00:53:14No...
00:54:08I'm usually not the type of guy to pass up a happy ending.
00:54:20See, I thought it was what I wanted.
00:54:25Honestly, I really did.
00:54:35Perhaps you heard me, or thought you heard me.
00:54:40Or perhaps you stuffed words in my mouth.
00:54:47Perhaps I thought the words were mine.
00:54:54How could they be?
00:55:01Susan must have left it in the mailbox Thursday night.
00:55:32What did she write?
00:55:37Well, she basically said,
00:55:41Alex, I'm sorry.
00:55:48I made a terrible mistake.
00:55:55I love you, and I've always loved you.
00:56:07I acted out of fear back then.
00:56:10Still now.
00:56:15I hope you're happy, or, at the very least, glad to be here.
00:56:26I know you will love him as much as I love him.
00:56:43You are my child.
00:56:51I love every version of you.
00:56:57I love every version of you.
00:57:12I love every version of you.
00:57:29Hold me.
00:57:34In all of my wet shapes.
00:57:38Let me play all the parts.
00:57:45And I'll remember all of my lines.
00:57:47Let me play all the parts.
00:58:17Bowling is the game that I love dearly
00:58:22Way, hey, bowling in the alley
00:58:25Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly
00:58:29Bowling down in Shinbone Alley
00:58:35Where is your cat?
00:58:39And it's spare me, cause I'm a bowling in the alley
00:58:44Way, hey, bowling in the alley
00:58:47Spare me, cause I'm a bowling in the alley
00:58:52Bowling down in Shinbone Alley
00:59:08There you go!
00:59:09Good job!
00:59:10Great job!
00:59:42Good-bye, Susan
01:00:05Good-bye, Susan
01:00:09Good-bye, Susan
01:00:11Good-bye, Susan
01:00:11Good-bye, Susan
01:00:12Good-bye, Susan
01:00:16Good-bye, Susan
01:00:17Good-bye, Susan
01:00:20Good-bye, Susan
01:00:21Good-bye, Susan
01:00:22Good-bye, Susan
01:00:23Good-bye, Susan
01:00:25Good-bye, Susan
01:00:27Good-bye, Susan
01:00:28Good-bye, Susan
01:00:32Good-bye, Susan
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