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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. G. Kerr!
00:07Yeah.
00:08Sure.
00:09Thank you very much.
00:10Yeah.
00:11Sure.
00:11Oh, nothing.
00:13We'll be doing this, OK.
00:14So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40Alright, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls.
01:58Everyone's always coming for my girls.
01:59Girls.
02:00Your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he paid good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:22LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:45I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you were all...
03:02Oh, if you were all out for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:09Mate, what?
03:10I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight's Myles Jug.
03:14Good luck.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:17Thank you, Jimmy.
03:20Miles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jug.
03:35Uh, gosh.
03:36Well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen.
03:39Uh, fix myself a quick, um, roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then it's breakfast, where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52Then it's Eleventies.
03:54Um...
03:55Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Uh, maybe going to town, do some shopping.
03:58Butchers, a veg shop.
04:00Um, come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03To set me up for lunch.
04:05Then I watch Loose Women.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:07I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's, er...
04:13That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:15Um...
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day, I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:41I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel, cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:56I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00Erm...
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, OK.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:13How quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, you...
05:25Do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33When people go, oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what, because I've got a food bar and I haven't seen my family for years?
05:37Like, they find it really...
05:40Because you've got to do what?
05:42You can only say it to big girls.
05:43Because you've got to do what?
05:44A food bar, a food bar.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, then backhand compliments get on my flippin' nerves.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:01No.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at, and not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:17For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25Oh, yes, yes.
06:26You must know, your agent sent it to me very kindly,
06:29and really, just about another set of eyes.
06:31Give a bit of feedback.
06:33I'll put most of it in an email, but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Chapter one.
06:40Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:43They always go straight through me, but it means I get another chance
06:48to see my golden toilet.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51I'm only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end,
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Some animals that you may be surprised to hear actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So this is a strange chapter.
07:15Um...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Um...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Um...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Um...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Uh, you've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34And then it says,
07:35The rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39That's 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:42But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48Miles Young, everyone.
07:51Uh, John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:53I don't mind the jokes about me being little and having a small penis
07:57and going bald, all that stuff.
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:04I just...
08:05I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight so that you can't hurt me.
08:10So...
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:13What was that?
08:15Um...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:21I'll start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33Um...
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:43Over the cardigan.
08:46All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Oh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Um...
08:56Just in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:58Woo!
09:01We're working out.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You know that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:06Yeah.
09:06Yeah.
09:07Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12Oh, wow.
09:15Wow.
09:15You see?
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on it, yeah.
09:46It's got a rubber tip on it, yeah.
09:47Take it.
09:50Take it first, John.
09:52Yeah.
09:54Have another crack, yeah?
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05Slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock, but...
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11That's good.
10:12Whoop.
10:14He's over.
10:15Oh, wow.
10:16APPLAUSE
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:31APPLAUSE
10:36Whatever.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:39Rob, have you got...
10:40Have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, something I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:51Um, you could actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here, so I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, cos it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:19So, what do you think, Miles?
11:21I think very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah, so I did that one first.
11:28And then this one, it's the second one I worked on, which is, um...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That, that, that is...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's absolutely, it's absolutely terrific, this, actually.
11:45Yeah, this would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really.
11:48I think, exactly.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or...
11:49Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53Oh, nice.
11:58Well, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Roisin and Kiara.
12:02APPLAUSE
12:04It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more
12:23sort of...
12:23Ha!
12:25Rumpf!
12:25Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:45Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:50And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53APPLAUSE
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16cos Wang Ka is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21APPLAUSE
13:25Nice.
13:26But Miles has been on it.
13:27He was fab.
13:28Yeah, they're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34Um, it's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on,
13:37and come up with...
13:38Giles?
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you?
13:41You called me Giles.
13:42Giles Mup!
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48He very gratefully came on the show.
13:50He came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
13:58APPLAUSE
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing,
14:03the search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:06Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the king.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:13Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:18Yeah, roll back it.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:45OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54Erm...
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:58Erm...
14:59Could that also be a G?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:04That is very good.
15:06That is very good.
15:09Er, I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:12Would you like three of each?
15:14Er, three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18OK.
15:18In front of my lead.
15:19P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23LAUGHTER
15:24A, yeah.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26OK.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:29Er, another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool. Consonant, please.
15:36Yep.
15:36T.
15:37Erm, another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:48Oh, is that...
15:51Frabio.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Thanks.
15:56Fuck your thing.
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look at Susie, mate.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:20LAUGHTER
16:23Um...
16:25LAUGHTER
16:28Come on!
16:33Why do you get so cute?
16:35Rob, how many? Five.
16:37Giles?
16:39I've got seven.
16:41Seven? Interesting. John, how many?
16:44Would I risk a nine, Susie? No?
16:46No, I wouldn't then.
16:48Oh!
16:49Susie haven't got it. It's not in there, is it? I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:52Judy? Five.
16:54OK, what's your five? Plate.
16:56Rob, your five? Petal.
16:58Petal?
16:59Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
17:04Miles, your seven?
17:06I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08They are climate and polemic.
17:12Wow. Very good.
17:13Private and polemic.
17:15What's this nine?
17:18That was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing, of miles.
17:22Maybe write down his name.
17:23Yeah.
17:25And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven, and then I wondered if you can have compilate,
17:31as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame. Seven for us, Jim.
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:40APPLAUSE
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:53Hang on, I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roisin, Chiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
18:00Poetical.
18:01Oh, let's have that again.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:06OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10APPLAUSE
18:10Well done.
18:13OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:21Um...
18:21No.
18:22Three little ones.
18:23All right.
18:24OK.
18:24Nine, two, six, and then the big one.
18:2675, 50, and 100.
18:29And the target, three, five, nine.
18:32There it is.
18:32OK.
18:33And your time starts now.
18:48And your time starts now.
19:05So, the target was three, five, nine.
19:07Judy Love, did you get it?
19:08Hold on.
19:08I got three, four, two.
19:10Well, that is worth no points.
19:12I know, but...
19:14Give me some credit for how...
19:15Sorry to speak.
19:17I know, but give me some...
19:18I can't expect you to not eat while we've recorded TV.
19:23Three, four, two.
19:24Miles, did you get it?
19:25I got three, five, seven.
19:27OK.
19:27Uh, Rob?
19:28I did.
19:29What?
19:30I think I did.
19:31OK.
19:31John, did you get it?
19:32Uh, I got three, five, eight.
19:34Right.
19:35Rob, it's all on you.
19:36Six times 75.
19:37Yes, 450.
19:39Minus 100.
19:40350.
19:41Plus the nine.
19:42Ten points.
19:42Well done.
19:43Yes!
19:43Well done, mate.
19:44Yes!
19:46Finally!
19:48Very good.
19:49Can we just say I got 342?
19:51Can we talk about that?
19:52We've done that.
19:53No!
19:53We've talked about that.
19:54We all decided as a group it was irrelevant.
19:57No!
19:59So Rob and Miles have 17.
20:01Uh, John and Judy have seven.
20:05The time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
20:07Roisin and Kiara.
20:08What have you got for us?
20:09Wow.
20:10Got a pretty good vibe.
20:11Yeah.
20:11You all right, Kiara?
20:13Yeah, I'm fine.
20:14You seem a little bit, uh, sort of subdued or...?
20:16No, I'm fine.
20:17I'm fine.
20:18All right.
20:18Is it Jimmy?
20:19I just, I can't read him.
20:20I don't know what he's thinking.
20:22Maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him.
20:24From behind?
20:25Yeah.
20:25Yeah, no, he didn't like that.
20:26No, yeah.
20:27Sorry, I think that's on Jimmy though, because like, that is your like, native Mediterranean
20:31warmth.
20:31Yes.
20:32Yeah.
20:32Because she's Italian.
20:33Si, è vero, sono italiana.
20:36So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her, um, sensuality.
20:40Infatti sono una donna molto sensuale.
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity.
20:47Urgh!
20:47Tipo Monica Bellucci.
20:49Yeah, but actually, um, she is incredibly repressed.
20:52That's right.
20:53Because I'm also half English, so that explains that.
20:55And Roisin, Roisin, on the other hand, is Irish.
20:59Yep.
20:59Catholic.
21:00Anna Minacher, August and Vic, August and spirit nave.
21:02Amen.
21:03That's right.
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful, and, um,
21:10loose, and just a tiny bit slutty.
21:16What?
21:16I'm not like that.
21:17That makes total sense.
21:18Because she's just trying to connect.
21:20Right?
21:20Because we're born alone.
21:22Exactly.
21:23And we die alone.
21:24And that's...
21:25Okay.
21:25Well, there we go.
21:26Are you a naughty boy?
21:27Uh-oh.
21:29Okay.
21:30Oh, no, no, no, no.
21:32Okay.
21:32Are you a kinky, kinky little boot?
21:34Okay.
21:34Don't call him a boot, because he's a very, like, very well-known comedian.
21:38Uh-oh.
21:38Here we go.
21:40John.
21:41She's got a thing for people in positions of power.
21:43And clearly, you're right in the middle.
21:45Uh-oh.
21:45Oh, here we go.
21:46Here we go.
21:47Here we go.
21:50Move.
21:52Move.
21:54Don't move.
21:55Don't move.
21:56Don't look.
21:56Don't watch.
21:59Okay.
22:00Okay.
22:00Okay, all right.
22:02Um.
22:03Okay.
22:04Oh, okay.
22:04Grocery, grocery, grocery, grocery!
22:06Grocery!
22:07Grocery!
22:08Grocery!
22:10Come over here!
22:11What are you doing?
22:12I'm sorry.
22:12He has been ogling me.
22:16All night.
22:17But we're here.
22:17We're part of the show.
22:18He can't...
22:19It's part of the course.
22:19Okay, all right.
22:20Regardless of the details, I've got something to say to you, John.
22:21You might do this all the time.
22:23Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you.
22:26It's all fun and games, but for me, I'm at work.
22:29Exactly.
22:33Grocery, if you are, everyone.
22:35You are a little.
22:36I have a little bit of a laugh.
22:38I have a little bit of a laugh.
22:39She's cute.
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
22:45Do you know what's funny?
22:46As much as John started to look very awkward, you moved that cup so fucking fast.
22:55We don't want to spill liquids.
23:03you didn't just look back over there did you sorry straight ahead would you like to swap seats
23:10john uh well this one's fucking sodden now that is i'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel
23:18isn't it john that kimchi was on the turn and i took a gamble on the wrong night yeah
23:24there is there is such a thing as too much roughage enough with a sexy talk
23:37you move the crockery i'll have one last clue
23:45and here is your teaser the words are meet bell the clue is nom nom nom nom nom nom that's
23:50a meat bell
23:51nom nom nom nom nom nom nom see you after the break
24:09welcome back the answer to the tease the words were meet bell the clue was nom nom nom nom it
24:14was of course meltable
24:15meltable okay so rob and miles are in the lead they've been playing in team so far but this game
24:20is just for rob and judy so judy your turn to choose i'll take a vowel please great start e
24:27consonant g the consonant m consonant s a vowel i
24:47oh go on let's have smeggiest
24:53oh y continent final r while you do this i've just got to pick some friends up from the station
24:59so your time
25:28starts now
25:54what's he cameras
26:22you should be in your dressing room
26:24you should be in your dressing room
26:27oh it's pasha everyone
26:29hello
26:35i can't believe it the pasha's here who's rachel's other half and also uh susie den's other half
26:44i should say just earlier on the show that john richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex
26:51with one of the strictly dancers specifically you it's the first time i've ever said that on a show
26:57as well as well you'll be out of there in ten minutes mate very efficient love maker oh no with
27:06my skill you'll be out on two
27:10Oh, please.
27:12It's like a date of the undateables.
27:14It is.
27:16A round of applause for Pasha and my friends from the bowling club.
27:25Judy, how many?
27:26Five.
27:27Five.
27:27Well, you only had 30 seconds, fair enough.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:37Six.
27:38Six, wow.
27:39Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:41OK, what was the five, Judy?
27:43Misty or timer?
27:45We'll go misty.
27:45Didn't fancy popping the ass on the end of timer?
27:48Yeah, timers. Sorry.
27:51Timers.
27:52Rob, your six.
27:53I've got misery or mister.
27:55You said misery was not possible.
27:57You said mystery.
27:58No, but it's actually misery.
28:00It's a misery or misery.
28:02I think John is unlikely to describe misery as not possible.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07It's a misery.
28:08He's starting to laugh.
28:12Well, six points to Rob.
28:18Roisin and Kiara, could they have done any better?
28:20They could have.
28:20Interestingly, John and Kiara both had misery.
28:23Yeah.
28:23I'm just wondering what your misery is about.
28:25I actually am feeling a little bit miserable.
28:27I'm going to admit it.
28:28Why is that?
28:29I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw, OK?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep.
28:35Right.
28:35And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done.
28:47You're telling me that.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:50But, yeah, we could have done a bit better.
28:52We could have eight letters here.
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest.
28:56Germiest.
28:57You never mess a germ.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01Got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile, though, can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers, then?
29:14LAUGHTER
29:16LAUGHTER
29:20So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23.
29:23John and Judy have seven.
29:24Damn.
29:25Come on, Judy.
29:29OK, right.
29:31Now it's time for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:36Yeah, is it six in total?
29:38Is that what we're looking for?
29:39Yes, so three...
29:40I'm increasingly confident.
29:42LAUGHTER
29:43I can count.
29:44I just can't...
29:45The angle I'm at...
29:47Erm...
29:48Although...
29:48So there's no numbers yet?
29:49No.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:51Yeah, zero.
29:52You've already...
29:52Yes, you've already got it.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55Three big numbers and three little numbers.
29:57Three and three coming up.
29:59You've got this.
29:59Three little ones.
30:01Ten, seven, two.
30:03And the three big ones.
30:0475, 25 and 50.
30:08And the target, 192.
30:10OK, and your time starts now.
30:11MUSIC PLAYS
30:13FAST
30:13FAST
30:13FAST
30:13FAST
30:13FAST
30:14FAST
30:15FAST
30:15FAST
30:18FAST
30:19FAST
30:42So the target was 192. Miles, did you get it?
30:45I didn't know. Why do you look so pleased with yourself?
30:48OK, John, did you get it?
30:51193. How did you get 193?
30:5475 plus 25. 100.
30:57Plus 2 times 50.
30:59Plus 2 times 50, 200. Minus 7.
31:03Yeah, one away. That's what I got. Judy, no-one believes you.
31:06Listen, I did 2 times 75, and then I added 50.
31:12No. 25. You added 50?
31:14I added 25 makes...
31:1875, and then I added...
31:21You haven't even done that.
31:23No, no, no.
31:24Then I added the 10.
31:26185.
31:27And the 7.
31:30192.
31:37Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:40I just did it here in front of you. What the hell?
31:43You watched Rachel do it and blagged it.
31:45I can't win. I can't win.
31:49It's not the conversation. You can't win.
31:51Seven points to John.
31:52Oh, my.
31:53Well, no.
31:55That's good.
31:55You can beat on that.
31:57And here is your teaser.
31:58The words are oiled nut.
32:00The clue is you can see the shape of it.
32:02That's oiled nut.
32:04You can see the shape of it.
32:05It's a good one.
32:05See you after the break.
32:08APPLAUSE
32:22Welcome back.
32:22The answer to the teaser, the words were oiled nut.
32:24The clue was you can see the shape of it.
32:26It was, of course, outlined.
32:28John, your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help.
32:32Please welcome comedian Dane Buckley.
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests.
32:43Me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees.
32:47And no gag reflex, yeah.
32:51I've got a gag reflex, baby.
32:53I remember.
32:58No need to ask Dane how he got the job.
33:02Dane, it's your first time on the show.
33:03How would you describe yourself?
33:04Face of a Greek god, body of Turkish delight.
33:07OK, that's what I would say.
33:08That's what I say on the dating apps.
33:09No, I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian, possibly.
33:13For the longest time, I wasn't out as half Indian.
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know.
33:22Not now.
33:23When you're Asian and white, you just generally look Mediterranean,
33:26you know, like Charlie XCX.
33:27But I learned recently, you're darker down below.
33:30You're darker down south.
33:31And I didn't know...
33:32Yes.
33:33Well, thanks for sharing.
33:35And I didn't realise that was a thing,
33:36but I was at the doctors recently,
33:37and he saw me naked, bless him,
33:39and he said,
33:40Mr. Buckley, can I ask you what your heritage is?
33:42And I was like, what has he found?
33:43Onion barge in my inner five.
33:46Are you any good at countdown?
33:47I'm massive dyslexic, so no,
33:49so that's why...
33:51Guys, we're bringing the looks.
33:53Also, I think we look like a line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign,
33:56don't we?
33:57Look at that.
33:58Funding written all over us.
33:59Yes.
34:00Yeah.
34:00United Colours of Benetton?
34:02Yeah.
34:02What's John, the guy from Accounts?
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like.
34:14Oh, ten points.
34:16That's ten points.
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down.
34:20You'll know this, Jimmy, as well.
34:22My mammy.
34:22Irish mammies are hilarious.
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up?
34:27I'm not.
34:27This is how she is.
34:28Me and her won a beach in Broadstairs,
34:30walking along,
34:31minding my own business,
34:32and we straightened on to the nudist part of the beach.
34:35But there was this older gentleman there,
34:36completely naked,
34:38belly hanging out,
34:39penis hanging out,
34:40resting Brexit face,
34:41that kind of vibe.
34:44No teeth, lots of opinions.
34:45That was his plan.
34:48He was targeting women on the beach,
34:50but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy.
34:51And he said to my mum,
34:52excuse me, love,
34:53does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:55And my mum did not miss a beat,
34:56glasses on a chain.
34:57She said,
34:57what, love?
34:58That little thing there.
35:01I highly doubt that
35:02ever made a woman feel uncomfortable.
35:06She said,
35:06I'll be honest with your puppet,
35:07I've seen bigger in mother care.
35:11He's walked away.
35:17Have you got a mascot?
35:18Can you bring a mascot?
35:18Oh my God, yeah,
35:19I'm not just here to have fun.
35:19Look at this, yeah.
35:20Right.
35:22This
35:23is a jalebi,
35:25the most famous of Indian sweets.
35:27It's crispy,
35:29it's deep fried,
35:30it's syrupy,
35:30and it's absolutely gorgeous.
35:32And my nan used to teach me
35:33how to cook Indian dishes
35:34once a week.
35:35And we would fry these
35:37and she would make
35:37masala chai tea
35:38and she'd read my tea leaves.
35:40But she used to use it
35:41as a time to get information out of me
35:43because she didn't want to ask.
35:44So she'd be like,
35:45hmm, hmm, okay,
35:46not many,
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent.
35:50So she used to read my tea leaves
35:51and she'd be like,
35:52hmm, okay,
35:52not many girls in your future.
35:55So many boys, okay.
35:57Dancing, so gay.
35:58Oh, darling,
35:59you're dancing around the pole.
36:00And I was like,
36:00give me that, nan.
36:01There's no way you can tell
36:02from those leaves he's Polish.
36:07And so I thought,
36:08be brave.
36:09I didn't realise
36:09I had to come out to my nan.
36:11I said, nan, I'm gay.
36:12She said,
36:13we must call your father immediately.
36:14I said, why?
36:15She said,
36:15he owes me 20 pounds.
36:22I'm as gay as the day is long.
36:23She said,
36:24rubbish, foolish.
36:25Gay as the day is long.
36:26You mean to tell me
36:27you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:31Hashtag,
36:32gay light savings.
36:35But,
36:36I brought some jalebes
36:37for you guys to try.
36:38I thought it'd be nice.
36:39Ooh.
36:40So they are vegan,
36:41the jalebes.
36:42Have a little go.
36:43No, you keep them, Judy.
36:53It's like that crispy shredded beef
36:55without the beefing.
37:00Wow, way to change my culture, Rob.
37:03Do you want me to start an angel delight, Rob?
37:08You're going back in custard, have you?
37:12It's been nice in a bit of rice pudding.
37:15My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen.
37:18Fair, fair.
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland.
37:21So growing up, I spoke Irish.
37:23It's a Celtic language.
37:24And you'll know,
37:25if you know any Irish,
37:25nothing sounds like what you think it means.
37:27Like, listen to this.
37:31Which sounds like, honestly,
37:32you're saying,
37:33ready the war between the elves and the centaurs.
37:35But it means I have no interest in the local facilities.
37:40If you know anything about a gay man,
37:41that's just not true, Rob.
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype.
37:48Good night.
37:57OK, on with the game.
37:58Dane, your turn to choose the letters.
38:00A consonant.
38:01That's so much sugar.
38:03That is extraordinary, isn't it?
38:04It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar,
38:05there would have been less sugar in it than that.
38:08A vowel?
38:10Make my eyes hurt.
38:12Another vowel?
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes.
38:17I'm an Irish speaker,
38:18so another vowel?
38:21A?
38:22Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel.
38:25What are you going to do?
38:26Colonizers?
38:30You're going to start annoying John in a minute.
38:32It's going to start getting itchy.
38:33If you do another vowel,
38:34it'll start to get panicky.
38:35We've just met,
38:35and you've brought me a lovely treat,
38:37but, you know,
38:37let's not fuck about.
38:41OK, I'm confident.
38:42There you go.
38:43What fingers are too sticky to write?
38:46How many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Four.
38:51Do you know what?
38:52Give me a big vowel.
38:53I'm so sorry, Jane,
38:54but the fun police have turned up.
38:57A consonant.
38:58A consonant.
38:59N.
39:00And the vowel.
39:02E.
39:04That's your max.
39:05Right.
39:06A consonant, then.
39:09A number?
39:10A W.
39:11OK, and your time starts now.
39:19We're a tick, right?
39:20Oh.
39:21You pick shit letters,
39:22and we all suck.
39:33It doesn't sound like this spelling,
39:35does it?
39:43Dane, how'd you do?
39:45Four.
39:45Uh, Judy?
39:47Four.
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah!
39:53I think, John,
39:53you're on your own.
39:54How'd you do?
39:55Six.
39:56Six, OK.
39:56Miles?
39:58I'm still eating it.
40:00Just some more.
40:01I've got extra.
40:02There you go.
40:04I'm sure you can imagine
40:05what I'm like when I'm hyper.
40:06It'll be...
40:09Uh, five.
40:10It was sinew.
40:12Oh, wow.
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away,
40:14it didn't matter.
40:15All right, Rob, how many?
40:17Five.
40:17Swine!
40:18LAUGHTER
40:26Dane, you're four, what was your four?
40:28News.
40:29Oh, well done.
40:30Well done.
40:32Definitely...
40:34Definitely worth turning up for.
40:37Judy, what was your four?
40:40Five.
40:41Five, what was it?
40:42Noise.
40:43Noise.
40:44Uh, John?
40:45Uh, insane in the membrane.
40:48It's insane in the brain.
40:52Very sugary.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:54Very sugary.
40:55Six points to John.
40:58It's going crazy.
41:01OK, uh...
41:02Fucking amazing.
41:03Roisin, Chiara, Susie,
41:04could they have done any better?
41:05Yep.
41:06Swanny!
41:08What?
41:08What, sorry?
41:08Swanny.
41:09Swanny!
41:10Like the song?
41:11Like...
41:12Like a swan.
41:14It's like a swan,
41:15or it's also, I think,
41:16quite a nice, sort of padded,
41:17waterproof, um, jacket.
41:18With a hood.
41:19OK, so,
41:20the scores at the moment.
41:21Rob and Miles have 23.
41:23Uh, John, Judy and Dane have 20.
41:25Oh!
41:27And here is your final teaser.
41:29The words are,
41:29I'd nosh me,
41:30the clue is,
41:31anything for a good time.
41:32That's, I'd nosh me,
41:34anything for a good time.
41:35See you up for the break.
41:36CHEERING
41:52Welcome back.
41:53The answer to the teaser,
41:54the words were,
41:54I'd nosh me,
41:55the clue was,
41:55anything for a good time.
41:57It was, of course,
41:57hedonism.
41:58OK, time for our final letters game.
42:00John, Judy,
42:01Dane,
42:01your turn to pick.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:06I think John might have to take the lead
42:08on picking the letters.
42:09These two are getting on really well.
42:12LAUGHTER
42:14Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:16Thanks, John.
42:17T.
42:18Vowel.
42:41I'm bored of the clock music.
42:43I might change it up,
42:43if that's all right with everyone.
42:45OK, and your time starts now.
43:16MUSIC FADES
43:23Okay, John, how many?
43:24Tengo un seis. Gracias.
43:29Sorry?
43:29Tengo un seis, Jimmy.
43:31What's happened to your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl.
43:34Uno de los muchos talentos secretos.
43:36I've no idea what you're saying.
43:38La gente solo piensa.
43:40Oh, that's little John Richardson.
43:42Mírenlo con su little cardigan y su estúpida big boy.
43:46Hay mucho más de lo que parece.
43:47Estoy harto de que la gente bromee diciendo que soy una especie de virgin rat boy.
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustaría pedir es que realmente me gustan los chocolate hobnobs.
43:59Gracias.
44:00Sorry, we are having some technical difficulties.
44:02I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice.
44:05I think that's it. Try that.
44:07Hello.
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six.
44:13Okay. Dane, how many?
44:14Five.
44:15Judy, how many?
44:16Six.
44:16Okay, Miles, how many?
44:18Seven, I think.
44:19Oh, damn.
44:20Rob?
44:21Five.
44:22Fine. What's your five?
44:23Fades.
44:24Fades. Okay.
44:25Dane, your five?
44:26False.
44:27False. Okay.
44:28Judy?
44:29Ladies.
44:30John, your six?
44:32Fasted.
44:33Miles, for the points, your seven.
44:36dilates?
44:37Yeah.
44:37Ooh.
44:39My man.
44:41Oh.
44:42Yeah.
44:45Seven points to Miles.
44:47Wow.
44:49Could they have done any better?
44:51No.
44:52No.
44:52Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it.
44:53It was fantastic.
44:59OK, so Rob and Myles have 30, John, Judy and Dane have 20.
45:06OK, so it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum today.
45:09You ready for this? Yeah. Today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:27Pickiness. Oh, how did you get that?
45:37That's it, Daddy Cool got it, I guess.
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw.
45:42Everyone's a winner.
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, the Countdown Dogbed.
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching it out.
45:58And that's it from us, goodnight.
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