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00:23This exclusive BBC interview
00:27takes place against a background of sleaze, uncertainty
00:31and a general hemorrhaging of confidence in the government.
00:36Alain Bastad has had an extraordinary political career.
00:39Elected to Parliament in 1987
00:42with the largest majority in the House
00:44he made an immediate impact as a rising star of the Tory right.
00:50Survived an assassination attempt
00:52and two years incarceration in a Soviet gulag
00:55before returning for a term as a Euro MP.
00:59So profound has his impression been on national politics
01:03that Mr Major even named a group of dissident ministers
01:07Bastards in his honour.
01:09True, true.
01:10Last Thursday, Alain Bastad returned to the House of Commons
01:13in a spectacular by-election victory
01:16in the former Welsh Labour stronghold of Maeshtag.
01:20It was the first Conservative by-election success
01:23since the general election.
01:25First of many, Brian.
01:26Then do you see your astonishing victory
01:29as an indication of an upturn in the government's fortunes?
01:33Of course, it's good news for the government, Brian,
01:35as it is for the country and, well, the entire Western world.
01:38But I think my 26,000 majority is also a personal vote
01:42if I may blow my own trumpet
01:43for the name Bastard
01:45and for everything that it represents.
01:47Honesty, probity, sincerity.
01:50So you must have been shocked
01:52when the other candidates in last Thursday's contest
01:55met a violent end on the eve of polling.
01:58Yes, yes, of course.
02:00It was a cruel twist of fate
02:02that my two opponents,
02:03whilst visiting the last working coal mine in Wales,
02:06should be crushed to death
02:07by a falling skip-load of stolen ballot boxes.
02:10Mm-hm.
02:11Awful thing to happen, even to a socialist.
02:13Some might say, Mr Bastard,
02:15that it was more than a coincidence.
02:17Perhaps you're right, Brian.
02:19Perhaps it is a godsend, a sign from the Almighty,
02:23that I, Alan Bastard,
02:25have been chosen to return to Westminster
02:27and electrify our moribund political scene.
02:30And it's that moribund political scene
02:33that I'd, er, like to address now.
02:37During your first term in Parliament,
02:39though you never left the back benches,
02:41you were rumoured to be extremely well-connected
02:45to many members of the Cabinet.
02:47Well, let's just say I was on more than nodding terms
02:49with Norman, Cecil, Geoffrey, Geoffrey and Norman.
02:52Of course, I can't mention any names,
02:54although I would just like to take this opportunity
02:55to say thanks for the Anglia shares tip.
02:58I'll remember you at Christmas.
02:59Mr Bastard, may I ask whom you were addressing?
03:01Oh, he knows.
03:05If I may return to the question of Westminster.
03:09Of course.
03:09In your last spell on the back benches,
03:11you piloted through the Police Firearms Act
03:14and nearly achieved the reintroduction of capital punishment.
03:18Do you believe you'll be able to have
03:20a similarly spectacular impact now?
03:22Oh, more spectacular.
03:24You see, when I left the Commons,
03:25the front bench was full of people of vision,
03:27led by a visionary woman.
03:29Woman. Seriously, visionary woman. Oh, God.
03:36Oops. You see, I mean, nowadays, Brian, to become a minister, all you have to do is put an X
03:40in the box marked no personality.
03:43Very interesting. Then perhaps you could expand a little on what you think you'll bring to the parliamentary scene.
03:50Of course. Well, my personality, of course. Sheer sexual magnetism, impeccable dress sense, all go without saying.
03:57I was thinking of the personal manifesto you campaigned under last week. Do you stand by the groundbreaking policies?
04:05Indeed I do. Indeed I do. I think it's absolutely vital in this day and age that a politician should
04:12express his beliefs in simple, clear terms that even someone with a state education could comprehend.
04:17You see, ever since I became politically active, I have stood for the four principles of freedom, low taxation, the
04:25eradication of restrictive labour laws and the radical restructuring of the welfare state.
04:29But with respect, Mr Bastard, haven't these once radical ideas been adopted wholesale by the Conservative Party?
04:36Yeah, and stolen by the Labour Party. But, I mean, Brian, these two parties, led by Mr Gray and Mr
04:42Blair, I mean, they only pay lip service to my ideals.
04:46Of course, I don't have to pay for lip service, since supermodels and film stars queue up to service my
04:50lips.
04:50Well, if we could return to your political principles.
04:54Of course, of course, Brian. As I said, they are four in number. By freedom, I mean complete freedom. The
05:01liberty of the citizen to do whatever he wishes within the most libertarian framework of the law.
05:05He should be free to, to, to, to take drugs if he wishes, to indulge in whatever sexual acts his
05:11imagination can devise, to drink whenever he wants to, to shop whenever he wants to.
05:15Low taxation follows automatically.
05:18The legalised trade in drugs and pornography will contribute enormous amounts of VAT, allowing income tax to be abolished on
05:25all, except the lowest paid.
05:27But the poorest would continue to pay income tax?
05:31Someone has to.
05:32Why?
05:33Well, because poor people vote Labour, and say they'll get no favours from me, and the poor are the biggest
05:38consumers of government spending, which brings me neatly on to my third point.
05:41The elimination of restrictive employment legislation. Quite simply, we don't need any.
05:47When, when was this country the leading industrial power in the world? When we sent children up chimneys, women down
05:53mines, and trade unionists to Australia. No coincidence, I contend.
05:57Let me make sure I understand you correctly. Essentially, you seem to be suggesting a return to the industrial environment
06:05of the early 19th century.
06:08I am.
06:09Before the abolition of slavery.
06:11I think you make my point for me.
06:13And don't be so pious, Brian. We both know slavery still exists in many societies.
06:18You're thinking of the forced labourers of the Indian subcontinent.
06:22I'm thinking of the poor bugger who, until last month, was running British gas on a pathetic quarter of a
06:25million a year.
06:26And my fourth point, which again fits perfectly into my overview, concerns the welfare state.
06:30In, in my opinion, this is the single most disastrous development of post-war social policy.
06:36It has made people unfit, lazy, and self-indulgent.
06:39I mean, the ordinaries know that free medical care awaits them.
06:43So what incentive do they have to stay well?
06:45As I said, on the record, in 1987, in the good old days, you were poor.
06:50You got ill.
06:51You died.
06:53Today we face the appalling prospect of young, fit, virile men like myself giving up to taxation a larger and
06:59larger proportion of our wealth
07:01to support ailing, ageing people like, like, well, like yourself, Brian.
07:05So let's summarise here, because I want to be sure not to misrepresent your position.
07:12If you, in the words of Harry Seacombe, ruled the world, the only tax the rich would pay would be
07:20on their cocaine.
07:21Infants would toil in dark satanic mills at unguarded machinery, and the old and infirm would die off in their
07:29hundreds of thousands.
07:32Yes.
07:34But of course, I must ask, and you'll understand why I must put this question.
07:39Why should the public take seriously the extreme political views of, with all due respect, a maverick?
07:48Brian, I must reply, and you'll understand why I must reply, that I am more in touch with the man
07:56in the street than you in your Channel Islands hideaway.
08:00And one thing I know for certain, the great British public is sick to death of sleaze.
08:05And I must agree with them.
08:07When I read that certain backbenchers were setting questions at £2,000 a time, I, I, I was physically ill.
08:15That's the Conservative Party, the Party of Peel, Disraeli, Churchill, Callaghan.
08:21Jim Callaghan was a Labour Prime Minister.
08:24Was he?
08:25Yeah, just making sure you're paying attention, Brian.
08:27Anyway, anyway.
08:28Would these political giants have accepted £2,000 pathetic to do their duty?
08:34But many have said, and you've never denied it, that you're the Member of Parliament who pioneered Cash for Questions.
08:42Well, exactly.
08:42Back in 1987.
08:43And even then, the rate was £10,000 a question.
08:45Or £20,000 if you wanted an answer.
08:47And along come these Johnny-come-latelys and wrecked the marketplace.
08:50So you see nothing wrong with the principle of Cash for Questions?
08:56It's a time-honoured tradition, Brian.
08:59How else do young, eager backbenchers get promotion?
09:02If you're prepared to ask enough arse-licking, sycophantic questions of ministers, you're rewarded with a junior minister's salary,
09:09a little red plastic briefcase and a second-hand Rover.
09:11No.
09:12Cash for Questions is the way of the world.
09:15You only have to watch one of the many television quiz shows to know that the ordinaries love Cash for
09:22Questions, too.
09:23Brian, I mean to say, if you can win £3,000 and a small family plebmobile for guessing which five
09:30items
09:30one hundred cretins would choose to take on a picnic.
09:34Surely, embarrassing the government over the ownership of Harrods is worth more.
09:38Now, if we may recapitulate, do you hope, even as a backbencher, to see your views become translated into policy?
09:46Well, as you implied in your opening remarks, I do have very good connections.
09:51Ah, but with respect, Mr Bastard, unless I fail to catch your drift,
09:56the ministers to whom you were close are now almost without exception out of office, including Lady Thatcher, of course.
10:04Ah. Yes.
10:07That was a tragic day when Marker was overthrown.
10:11Let me remind you of the circumstances of Mrs Thatcher's demise.
10:15After the first ballot for party leader, she had a narrow lead, but was four votes short of the absolute
10:22majority required.
10:23I know. I know. And if I'd known then how close the vote was, I would have made sure I'd
10:30voted myself.
10:30I would have got out of bed, got dressed and said, Sarah, I'm sorry, I know no one else can
10:35satisfy you,
10:36but there's an important vote and I must tow that line before I tow yours.
10:39Sarah being your wife, sir.
10:41Quite. And also the name of the Duchess of York, but let's not go into that now.
10:46Rather than be sidetracked down that peculiar cul-de-sac...
10:50Oh, you've been there too, have you?
10:51Let's return to Mrs Thatcher's problem.
10:54Ah. You mean Dennis?
10:55I mean that when she found she'd not won on the first ballot,
10:59all her closest advisers told her to return to England and campaign hard to win on the second vote.
11:06But she chose to stay in Paris. Why?
11:10I don't know. I just don't know. Overconfidence? Perhaps she'd mislead her passport.
11:15I think you do know the reason, Mr Bestad.
11:19Hardly. We were intimate, Brian, but we were never close.
11:22Very well. An interesting document has come into my possession.
11:28It's a telegram from Mark Thatcher.
11:30Ah, ah, ah, ah, buy nothing without consulting a lawyer.
11:33I know he's got 50 tanks, he can't get shot off for a start.
11:35This telegram is dated November the 20th, 1990, the day of the first ballot.
11:43As she prepared to return to London to face down Michael Hesseltine,
11:47she received this telegram.
11:50Mummy dearest, I am lost somewhere in Paris.
11:53Can't find your hotel.
11:55No one I stop even speaks English.
11:58Please come and find me.
12:01On receiving this from her favourite child,
12:04she postponed her return by a fateful day,
12:07and the rest is history.
12:12It's funny old world.
12:14And yet the telegram's clearly a forgery.
12:17Oh, no, no, no, you can't be sure of that.
12:18Mark is always getting lost.
12:20They named the No Turning Back group after him.
12:22It's easy to prove it's forged.
12:24There were no spelling mistakes.
12:26Oh, er, it's very interesting, Brian.
12:30But as I say, I know nothing about it.
12:33I think some would say that you're too modest.
12:36As the Daily Telegraph, hardly a left-wing organ put it,
12:40Alan Bastard knows where the bodies are buried.
12:43What do you say to that?
12:44That's just a figure of speech, Brian.
12:46Usually.
12:47Now let's return to the events that followed Mrs Thatcher's demise.
12:52In no particular order, we've seen the collapse of the poll tax,
12:56the matrix Churchill affair,
12:58Black Wednesday and Britain's ignominious exit
13:01from the European exchange rate mechanism,
13:03and the levelling of VAT on fuel,
13:06in direct contradiction of the Conservatives' main election promise.
13:10Yes?
13:11Who'd have thought all of that could have been fixed
13:12by a political novice like young Blair?
13:15I hardly think, Mr Bastard,
13:17that we can lay all these woes at Mr Blair's door.
13:21I think we must look elsewhere for the prime mover, Mr Bastard.
13:26Brian?
13:27I'm flattered, but surely you can't be accusing me,
13:30a humble backbench foot soldier,
13:33of a complex plot to undermine the establishment.
13:36Brian, like I told Bill Clinton,
13:38too much coke will make you paranoid.
13:40Just put the gun down.
13:43Anyway, the roots of this great country are far too strong,
13:47and go far too deep.
13:49There's no way one could undermine our way of life,
13:52especially as we have a strong monarchy.
13:54Ah, yes, the monarchy,
13:56which brings me very neatly onto the issue
13:58I'll be pursuing in part two of this programme.
14:01But first, we must go over to the newsroom.
14:04We'll be back.
14:09Three minutes, Julian.
14:11I think it's all going well, don't you, Alan?
14:13What are you talking about?
14:14That brings me very nicely onto what I'll be talking about in the second half.
14:17I've never been near the Princess of Wales.
14:19The man in those photographs is a look-alike.
14:20What photographs?
14:22I didn't mention any photographs.
14:24Alan, why do you never call?
14:26It's been three years.
14:28What?
14:28The baby's walking and talking now, and he keeps asking who his daddy is.
14:31Well, I hope you had the presence of mind to say Cecil Parkinson.
14:33Oh, Alan.
14:34Don't you remember the promise you made to me when you tied me to the bedposts?
14:37Right, that's it.
14:38Sack this woman, please.
14:38She's sexually harassing me.
14:40But she's been with us for 13 years.
14:42So has Margaret Thatcher.
14:43It's quite long enough.
14:44Alan.
14:45I'm sorry, love. You're sacked.
14:47Delphinia.
14:48Good grief.
14:52Alan, darling, why don't you ever call?
14:54What?
14:54Well, who are you?
14:55Well, it's been six years now, and the twins are the absolute image of you.
14:59Why don't you come and meet me?
15:00Oh, bitch, it's absolutely outrageous.
15:02I recognise you now.
15:03It's Delphinia, isn't it?
15:05Is this your idea of a joke, Walton?
15:07Or are you just trying to destabilise me before the second half?
15:10Alan, I wouldn't dream of stooping to such low devices.
15:14I'm not Jeremy Paxman.
15:15Yeah.
15:23Oh, shut up!
15:27Listen, there's ten grand in it for you.
15:29If you can get me a look at his clipboard.
15:31Fifteen.
15:42It's blank.
15:43I don't work off notes.
15:45Oh, God, you think you're so clever, don't you, Waldron?
15:49Alan, I don't think it.
15:51Yeah?
15:51You little...
15:55Alan Bastard.
15:57Brian.
15:57Before the break, you pointed out that ultimately the stability of our society depends on the stability of our monarchy.
16:05Absolutely, Brian.
16:06Absolutely.
16:07And I yield to no one in my admiration of Her Majesty the Queen, who has performed her role with
16:13such dignity...
16:14And yet, wouldn't it be true to say that the undermining of the status of the royal family started at
16:20about the time you entered politics?
16:22Brian.
16:23Brian, with respect, I am just one loyal subject.
16:27Now, I admit the royal family have not had the best of luck.
16:31I admit the marriages of the Queen's three oldest children and of her sister have all failed.
16:36I concede that the damning revelations about the Duke of Edinburgh and Kitty Kelly's biography...
16:43You've seen a copy?
16:44Oh, yes.
16:47And I grant you that the Queen's youngest child has failed to make his mark, either on the Royal Marines
16:51or Andrew Lloyd Webber's really useful company.
16:55And, and, maybe the Princess of Wales and the Duchess of York do lead more lurid private lives than David
17:01Mellor.
17:02In the light of all you've said, how did you feel about the release of audio tapes, exposing the heir
17:09to the throne and his wife as what left-wing commentators have called a pair of immature, smutty-minded adulterers?
17:17I was more shocked than I can say.
17:20And yet, is it not one of your many companies that's made these tapes? Available to the general public on
17:280898 phone lines at 50 pence a minute?
17:31Brian, I am a capitalist and proud of it. The pain I feel for the royal couple cannot distract me
17:35from my God-given duty to make money wherever possible.
17:38But my sympathy for them is undiluted. I wrote personal letters to Charles, Diana, Major Hewitt, Mrs. Parker-Noel...
17:45I believe you mean Mrs. Parker-Bowles. Parker-Noel make recliners.
17:51Precisely.
17:51So you wrote to all of them. Did you receive replies?
17:55Indeed I did, and I cherish them.
17:57Cherish them so much that I hear you've sold them to the sun for £50,000.
18:01Well, I'd cherish anything worth £50,000.
18:03Which is what I believe you received for the photographs of Princess Diana in the gym.
18:08I wonder if any of your viewers realise that Brian, a so-called impartial Walden, used to be a Labour
18:14front-bench spokesman.
18:16Let us return, Mr. Bastard, and I think we should, even though you're trying to sidetrack me to your undying
18:22loyalty to the throne.
18:23Well, you ought to do this for a living, Brian. You're very good.
18:27Yes, I believe the monarchy is a great boon to our nation, to our tourist trade, and after all, whose
18:32face will be put on the stamps, Scylla Blacks.
18:36And that is why I am not ashamed to say that after the dreadful Windsor fire, it was I who
18:42urged my very good friend Peter Brook, Secretary of State for National Heritage,
18:46and as delightful a dullard as ever wore an MCC tie, to announce that the government will be proud to
18:51pay for the rebuilding of one of the five homes of the world's richest woman.
18:56And if it meant less money for hospitals, schools, and old age homes, then the people of Britain were willing,
19:02nay eager, to make the sacrifice for their sovereign lady and her feckless family.
19:07But I put it to you, Mr. Bastard, that many people date today's deep disillusion with the institution of the
19:13monarchy from that announcement of Mr. Brooks.
19:17Brian, just because a policy is unpopular does not make it wrong.
19:21Mr. Bastard, have you ever visited Windsor Castle?
19:25Well, only after the conflagration, when I was, yes, among the volunteers who worked through the night clearing the debris
19:32and helping to rescue priceless works of art.
19:35I believe several small priceless works of art went missing during the clean-up.
19:39Brian, please, I will not hear this slander against our brave firefighters.
19:44Well, unless you're suggesting the Duke of York stole his mother's knick-knacks.
19:48I mean, I know he's got a high-maintenance wife, but still.
19:50But until that night, you'd never visited Windsor Castle?
19:55Absolutely not.
19:56That's very interesting, Mr. Bastard, because I have here the visitor's book for Windsor Castle.
20:04Is this your handwriting?
20:08Could be.
20:09Would you care to read what it says?
20:14Lovely place, but a bit cold.
20:17It could do with a nice roaring fire to warm things up.
20:22And it seems to be your signature.
20:24Anyone can sign my name, Mr. Walden.
20:27Look, where did you get that?
20:28I know.
20:29This has got John Prescott's handwriting all over it.
20:31No, Mr. Bastard.
20:32Your handwriting.
20:33Oh, yes, go on.
20:34Go ahead.
20:35Oh, blame me for everything that's happened to this country since the year dot.
20:38Sinking of the Titanic?
20:39Yeah, that was my fault.
20:40And the death of King Howard in 1066?
20:42And how about the abdication crisis?
20:44Oh, and I suppose I was to blame for the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait?
20:47Well, I do have an invoice here from yet another one of your companies.
20:52Enormous Weapons PLC.
20:54Well, I think you should sack your researcher, Brian.
20:55Enormous Weapons PLC do not make guns, they make penis extensions.
20:59Would you like a card?
21:00Or perhaps I should give you two.
21:02But you don't deny supplying one to Saddam Hussein?
21:05No.
21:06Nor that he was personally recommended by another client, Alan Clarke.
21:08But if I'm to take the blame for everything, then why not some of the credit, too?
21:13How about peace in Northern Ireland?
21:15I didn't benefit from that, did I?
21:17In fact, my Irish voiceover agency has taken a savage hiding.
21:20Although I am hoping to persuade Radio 4 to have Prime Minister's Question Time re-voiced by former terrorists.
21:25They've got better manners.
21:27Another one of your amusing little diversions?
21:30I try.
21:31Well, let's return to the meat of this conversation.
21:34You.
21:36Having listened to you for a fascinating twenty minutes, I can't help but form the opinion
21:43that you're the most formidable political thinker I've met in all my many years in and around the political scene.
21:51Well, how'd you expect me to react? Surprised?
21:54And yet you continue to insist you have no great ambition or urge for power.
22:00Oh, power's a hollow crown, Brian.
22:03Why do people aspire to it?
22:04What I mean is, people seek power as a means to an end.
22:09And to what end?
22:10Surely it is status, money, power, fast cars, big house, enormous amounts of sex, copious quantities of restricted substances, seats
22:18on boards, seats on faces.
22:21And I have all those things already.
22:24Why should I burden myself with the paltry trappings of office in this tuppeny-hapenny country?
22:29No.
22:30I've been offered ministerial office on several occasions.
22:34Three times since last Thursday.
22:35And Mrs Thatcher begged me to enter the cabinet and pile it through the poll tax, but I said bugger
22:40that for a game of civil servants.
22:41Give it to poor Tiller. That'll wipe the smile off his face.
22:43But Mr Bastard...
22:44Please, please, Brian, Brian.
22:46I mean, you know.
22:47You've been there.
22:48You know.
22:48Parliament's just a second-rate debating society with a third-rate cafeteria.
22:52And if it wasn't for the free parking space, I don't think I'd bother.
22:57But you did bother, Mr Bastard. You bothered last Thursday. So the question must be, why?
23:03I suggest that once the great props of our system are knocked away, wouldn't there then be a job, big
23:11enough and exciting enough, even for Alan Bastard?
23:14For isn't it true that in your secret heart you see yourself as nothing less than precedent for life with
23:22absolute power?
23:24That's absurd.
23:25Perhaps.
23:26But to paraphrase Sherlock Holmes, when one's eliminated all the most likely explanations, the one left, no matter how absurd,
23:34is the solution.
23:35And I think the fact that your plan commenced with the removal of Lady Thatcher, the only person with ambitions
23:42as enormous as your own...
23:44I know where you live, Warden. You'd better start looking under your car in the morning.
23:47I don't want you to think I'm being critical, Alan. Your analysis of what this country needs may well be
23:55correct.
23:56Several times in history, strong men have emerged at a time of crisis.
24:00I'm thinking of Julius Caesar, Oliver Cromwell, Napoleon, perhaps Winston Churchill.
24:07My point is, cometh the hour, cometh the man.
24:12If only I could last the hour.
24:14I beg your pardon?
24:15Oh, nothing, nothing.
24:16Look, you invited me on this programme to discuss the contribution I can make to the body politic, and instead
24:20you accused me of plotting to bury it.
24:22Mr Bastard, I'm only trying, and I'm sorry if sometimes my questions seem too personal, to get at the truth.
24:29All right. All right. To hell with prevarication and fudging. I'll give you the truth.
24:38Yes, I want power. Yes, I want to put this country back on the map. Yes. Yes, and if it
24:45means overturning the rattled, decadent, decaying pillars of this third-rate fetid system, then so much the better.
24:52So to recapitulate? No, I'm sorry, Mr Warden, there is no time to recapitulate. Now is the time for action.
25:00What has become of England? The land of Bodicea? Drake? Marlborough? Wellington?
25:07We allow ourselves to be led by timid, grey men, and dictated to by Basques, Walloons and Phlems. We bow
25:17to inbred, chinless aristocrats just because centuries ago their ancestors stole some sheep, or shagged the king, or vice versa,
25:26or both.
25:26I mean, we're up to our necks in tradition and deference. Well, I intend to sweep all that away. England
25:33must arise.
25:34You keep saying England. Surely you mean Great Britain. Why on earth do you assume that? I mean England. England.
25:43The country where the wealth is created.
25:45The country where people of intellect, taste and breeding dwell. Not Wales, a godforsaken hellhole where you can't get a
25:53drink or a shag on a Sunday, or a decent meal any other day of the week.
25:56And certainly not Scotland, a sort of freezing void, full of unintelligible savages, who do nothing on Sunday but drink,
26:05unless they're eating sheep's intestines cooked in a fox's bladder.
26:09And certainly not Ireland. Ireland? Why we've wasted billions of pounds testing nuclear weapons in the South Pacific when we
26:15had Ireland on our doorstep is a mystery to me.
26:17No, I mean England. The real England. The South.
26:24It's certainly a point of view... Oh, shut up. We don't need these people. And in England, rid of all
26:31these scroungers and hangers-on, would be compact, rich and secure.
26:37Especially after I've built Bastard's Fence. Yeah. Bastard's Fence. 30 feet high, with 20,000 volts running through it. Hey,
26:47compared to my fence, the Berlin Wall was 25 quids worth of tongue and groove from Do-It-All.
26:51So let me make sure I understand you. You'd give Wales and Scotland their independence?
26:57Yep, that's right, Brian. They can sod off tomorrow, as far as I'm concerned.
27:03And what of North Sea Oil? We'd forego that?
27:07Well, of course not. And the profits of the distilling industry?
27:10Oh, don't be silly, Brian. And obviously we'd also keep hold of all the grouse moors and salmon fisheries. I
27:15mean, we have to eat.
27:16That seems a very unusual definition of independence, Mr Bastard. Not at all. It's exactly the same neo-colonial relationship
27:24we have with all our former colonies. I'm just being a bit more upfront.
27:28Makes a change for a politician, eh, Brian? Well, that's what this politician wants to do for the people of
27:34England. To make a change.
27:37Thank you, Alan Bastard, for a fascinating insight into your political creed. And I hear over my earpiece that in
27:46the last three minutes our telephone lines have been jammed with thousands of spontaneous telephone calls supporting your crusade.
27:55Well, perhaps that just goes to prove my time has come, Brian.
28:00Perhaps it has. Thank you, Mr Bastard.
28:04Thank you. And thank you.
28:10Well, I think that worked out very well, Alan. Cheapest half-hour commercial and television industry.
28:17It won't do your ratings any harm either, Brian. I'm the best thing you ever interviewed.
28:21Can't wait to see how the people react.
28:22I've told you how they reacted. Our phones are jammed.
28:25What? You mean you didn't make that bit up?
28:28God, that makes me feel incredibly awry. Where are those make-up girls I sat?
28:32Oh, no, to hell with them. Let's go straight to the top. Get me Sue Lawley.
28:34Uh, haven't you forgotten, sir?
28:36Oh, yes, yes, of course.
28:44If I may say so, unless I've misunderstood our arrangement, this seems a little, uh, light.
28:50Yes, I'm sorry about that, Brian. It's just that on the way to the studio, I bumped into this goalkeeper
28:54I owe 40 grand.
28:55You know over the years I went down the place.
29:05I don't understand how the world is.
29:05It's just that, I have a relationship that can be given to you.
29:07I know it's just that, I don't care about it.
29:07You
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