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00:07:15Thế giới nổi tiếng của mình là
00:07:17Và bây giờ thì tôi như thế
00:07:19Tôi phải có thể hỏi bất kỳ
00:07:20Tôi phải hỏi bất kỳ
00:07:21Một toupée
00:07:22No, tôi nghĩ
00:07:24Để nó là là tiếng của mình
00:07:24Thì thường hợp
00:07:27Nó là đùa
00:07:27Nhưng tôi nghĩ
00:07:30Chị giống như thế
00:07:31Cái giống như thế
00:07:31Cảm ơn thế
00:07:32Thế giống như thế
00:07:34Thế giống như thế
00:07:35Tôi nghĩ
00:07:35Tôi nghĩ
00:07:35Tôi nghĩ
00:07:36Tôi nghĩ
00:07:36Tôi nghĩ
00:07:37Đói
00:07:37Đói
00:07:37Người
00:07:37Đói
00:07:38Tôi nghĩ
00:07:38Thế giống như thế
00:07:39Đói
00:07:40Đói
00:07:40Đói
00:07:44Đói
00:07:45I've believed tall guys
00:07:51He plays guitar, he must be nice
00:07:53I'm dumb, alright
00:07:54When my religious family members talk about God
00:07:56God got me through the hardest years
00:07:58Of my life
00:08:00I'm like, shit, that's how I talk about Gilmore girls
00:08:02I'm an idiot
00:08:05And I capitalize those G's
00:08:07I make sure every time
00:08:09That's right
00:08:11But I have a lot of Christians in my life
00:08:13A lot of people praying for me
00:08:14Which I try not to take personally
00:08:17You ever have someone say they're praying for you
00:08:19And you don't know what they're referring to
00:08:22They're like, hey, I just want to let you know
00:08:24I'm praying for you
00:08:25What?
00:08:28I'm not sick
00:08:30Oh yeah, well I'm praying for you
00:08:32What do you think about that, Beth?
00:08:34Heard you need it, bitch
00:08:37She's like, no, God's just been putting you on my heart lately
00:08:40Well tell God to scrape me off your heart
00:08:42Because I'm doing awesome, okay
00:08:43I don't know what you heard in the church parking lot
00:08:45But that was a family matter, Bev
00:08:48I'm gonna tint the van windows
00:08:52I have a lot of cool Christians in my life
00:08:55Cool Christians love to let you know they're cool
00:08:57They do
00:08:58They love to like
00:09:00Swear in front of you
00:09:03They're like, look, I understand why you have doubts
00:09:04I get it
00:09:05I watch the news
00:09:09Shit is fucked up
00:09:16Then they look at you like they did a trick on a skateboard
00:09:23I have an uncle who's a pastor
00:09:25And he's a really cool guy
00:09:26He's very humble down to earth
00:09:27He's not like one of these mega church douchebags
00:09:29Who wears expensive sneakers
00:09:30And like writes a book with his face on it
00:09:33Every time I see a pastor on a book tour
00:09:35I'm like, hey man
00:09:36Weren't you already promoting a book?
00:09:38Like
00:09:42I don't, I just
00:09:48How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?
00:09:53My uncle's really cool
00:09:54He's the only person in my life
00:09:55Who understands what I do for work
00:09:56He and I have very similar jobs
00:09:58We're both out here on the weekends
00:09:59Changing lives
00:10:01No, he hates it when I say that
00:10:02He hates it so much
00:10:04I'm always trying to talk shop with him
00:10:05I'm like, hey Jim
00:10:06How was your early show?
00:10:10He's like, you know it's first service, Taylor
00:10:12I'm like, well I just noticed you had a heckler on the late one
00:10:14He goes, that person was yelling amen and hallelujah to agree
00:10:18I'm like, that's the worst kind of heckler, Jim
00:10:20Cause they're being supportive
00:10:21But they're still disrupting your flow, right?
00:10:24I go, you know, I donate 10% of what I make too
00:10:27He's like, to who?
00:10:28I'm like, my agent
00:10:29But it's still a tithe
00:10:34I'm like, I'm kidding, Jim
00:10:35I know we don't do the same thing
00:10:37But think about this
00:10:38I make them feel guilty
00:10:40Saturday night
00:10:41You save their ass Sunday morning
00:10:43I set them up
00:10:44You spike the ball
00:10:45You're welcome
00:10:47I help
00:10:54But my Uncle Jim's like a great pastor
00:10:56He's like very progressive
00:10:57He gives really interesting sermons
00:10:59We didn't have a cool pastor like my Uncle Jim growing up
00:11:01We had a basic ass pastor
00:11:03Who stuck to three topics
00:11:05He had three messages
00:11:06You are forgiven
00:11:08Marriage is hard
00:11:10Merry Christmas
00:11:11Like those were the three
00:11:14I do feel for pastors on Christmas and Easter
00:11:17Cause those are big weeks at church, right?
00:11:19Those are recruitment weeks
00:11:21That's when everybody comes out of the woodwork
00:11:23That's when the decaf Christians swing by
00:11:25You only see those motherfuckers twice a year
00:11:29And you gotta blow their minds so hard with the extras
00:11:31That they upgrade their subscription to weekly
00:11:33That's a lot of pressure
00:11:36And as the pastor on Christmas and Easter
00:11:38You can't get creative
00:11:40You can't get weird with it
00:11:41You can't do an acoustic set
00:11:43You gotta play the hits
00:11:45You gotta tell the stories, right?
00:11:48Easter's a better story than Christmas, in my opinion
00:11:50If you don't know, Easter is the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ
00:11:53It's where all of our merch is from
00:11:56You've seen it
00:11:58You've seen it
00:11:59Dead guy up there
00:12:00But tasteful
00:12:01Somehow very tasteful
00:12:03Makes you think about your own death
00:12:05Like, ooh, hope I die in a way that looks good on jewelry
00:12:07Right?
00:12:09Think about it
00:12:10When grandma died
00:12:11Were you like, ooh, slap her on an anklet?
00:12:13No, he's really doing it up there
00:12:15I'll stop doing it
00:12:16I'll stop doing it
00:12:17We're all familiar
00:12:21But Easter's a great story
00:12:22There's a lot of action
00:12:23Right?
00:12:24It's the crucifixion
00:12:25The resurrection
00:12:26It's Jesus in his prime
00:12:28Early thirties
00:12:29Ripped
00:12:32We betrayed him
00:12:33We killed him
00:12:34He's back
00:12:34It's basically Twilight
00:12:35It's a sexy
00:12:38Sexy story
00:12:38I'm kidding
00:12:39Twilight belongs to the Mormons
00:12:40Don't take that from them
00:12:41Okay?
00:12:42They can't have caffeine
00:12:43They need something to wake them up
00:12:46Christmas is not as good a story
00:12:48It's just not
00:12:49The birth of Jesus
00:12:49It starts off strong, right?
00:12:51An angel comes down from heaven
00:12:52Tells Mary
00:12:53I know you're a virgin
00:12:54But you're pregnant with the Son of God
00:12:56Oh, shit
00:12:57And then the angel has to go tell her boyfriend, Joseph
00:12:59Because believe women wasn't really a thing back then
00:13:03So the angel's like
00:13:04It's God in there, I promise
00:13:06And then what?
00:13:07Then the angel leaves
00:13:08Then it's just a long walk to a barn
00:13:11That's most of Christmas
00:13:12It's just this right here
00:13:14Jesus is barely in it
00:13:15He comes in right at the end
00:13:17He does zero magic
00:13:18It sucks
00:13:21Jesus is basically the post-credits scene in a Marvel movie
00:13:25It's trash
00:13:30Sucks
00:13:36I remember one year our pastor tried to spice up the Christmas story
00:13:39He came out
00:13:39He goes
00:13:40Thought he found a new angle, right?
00:13:42He comes out
00:13:42He goes
00:13:42You know
00:13:43We always kind of rush through the Christmas story, don't we?
00:13:46Since we all know it so well
00:13:48But if you ever really stop to think
00:13:51About what this must have been like
00:13:54For Mary
00:13:56And all the women were like
00:13:59And all the men were like
00:14:01No!
00:14:04Which one's Mary again?
00:14:05Oh, are you talking about the vessel?
00:14:07Are you talking about the hole we put the Lord in?
00:14:10Are you talking about the Jesus jar?
00:14:14Are you talking about the Christ cubby?
00:14:17Are you talking about the Savior sack?
00:14:19Are you talking about the prophet pocket?
00:14:22We could keep going
00:14:23But we have to move on
00:14:25But that's a fun game to play
00:14:26To come down from the cousin fight
00:14:28If you want
00:14:31That Mary POV sermon went over so well for him
00:14:34That he came out the next year all excited
00:14:36Like last year we talked about
00:14:37What it must have been like for Mary
00:14:38To find out she was pregnant with Jesus
00:14:40But have you ever stopped to think
00:14:42About what this must have been like
00:14:44For Joseph
00:14:46And all the men were like
00:14:47Finally!
00:14:49Representation!
00:14:50I also think whores are lying to me!
00:14:56Joseph was Mary's betrothed at the time
00:14:58Again, I don't want to assume
00:14:59Everybody knows all the Bible stories
00:15:01You grow up in church
00:15:02You're like
00:15:02Everybody's learning these
00:15:03Nope
00:15:03Some kids were having childhoods
00:15:05On their bikes
00:15:08Is there anyone in here
00:15:09Who never went to church
00:15:10Has never believed in God
00:15:11Never been religious at all?
00:15:13Wow!
00:15:14All in the back
00:15:15That checks out
00:15:16That checks out
00:15:18Well, you sound very at peace
00:15:20You sound so relaxed
00:15:21But how do you not
00:15:22How do you know right from wrong?
00:15:23How do you not kill people?
00:15:25How do you
00:15:25Some Christians talk like that
00:15:27My dad growing up was like
00:15:29You know, if I weren't a Christian
00:15:30I'd be in jail
00:15:31And I'm like
00:15:32Whoa!
00:15:32I'm six
00:15:35Let's do a goodnight moon tomorrow
00:15:37Instead of dad's dark thoughts
00:15:39That was
00:15:40Some Christians walk around like
00:15:41Yeah, if Sky Dad
00:15:42Didn't have me on house arrest
00:15:44There'd be some mud on my boots
00:15:46And you're like
00:15:46Cool, let's only hang out
00:15:48In groups
00:15:50But if you didn't grow up in church
00:15:52You might not know
00:15:52A lot of Bible stories
00:15:53You might not know any Bible stories
00:15:54I won't put you on the spot
00:15:55Don't worry
00:15:56I used to
00:15:56Learned my lesson
00:15:57One time I asked someone
00:15:58And they panicked
00:15:59And went
00:15:59Veggie tales!
00:16:04Which, hey, close enough
00:16:05But it did make me laugh real hard
00:16:07Just
00:16:07Who betrayed Jesus?
00:16:09Bob the tomato!
00:16:12I remember
00:16:13He bounced in like
00:16:14You're gonna die, Jesus!
00:16:18I'm kidding
00:16:19They didn't do
00:16:19No, they didn't do
00:16:20They didn't do
00:16:21The crucifixion on Veggie Tales
00:16:23They wouldn't do that
00:16:24That's
00:16:24That's
00:16:25Crazy
00:16:26That's way too dark
00:16:26Also, no arms
00:16:27So who's gonna
00:16:28You know
00:16:30Who's gonna do the finale?
00:16:33What are they gonna do?
00:16:35Put baby carrots on Larry?
00:16:36That's insane
00:16:37We can't do that
00:16:40I assume
00:16:41Even if you didn't grow up
00:16:43Religious
00:16:43You'd know like
00:16:44Noah's Ark
00:16:44Most people know that one
00:16:45That's our big one
00:16:46It's on the cover
00:16:47Of all of our coloring books
00:16:49Yeah
00:16:50It really is a testament
00:16:51To how fucked up
00:16:54The Bible is
00:16:55That we read
00:16:56Noah's Ark
00:16:57And we're like
00:16:57That's the kid's story
00:17:01That story is dark as hell
00:17:03It's about God
00:17:04Drowning all his kids
00:17:05Because they were being annoying
00:17:06And we're like
00:17:07Yeah
00:17:07That should be the mural
00:17:09In the nursery
00:17:12Come here little buddy
00:17:13These are the animals
00:17:15He didn't drown
00:17:16Oh
00:17:17What a lucky horsey
00:17:20That got to go on the boat
00:17:22With one friend
00:17:27It's the rainbow
00:17:28I think they think
00:17:29The rainbow saves it
00:17:30God sent Noah
00:17:32Who probably had some
00:17:32Trust issues at that point
00:17:33The rainbow as a promise
00:17:36To never flood the earth again
00:17:37Which I think is
00:17:38The darkest part of the story
00:17:40Rainbow after a destructive
00:17:42I mean that's like
00:17:43Buying someone a ring
00:17:43After you push them
00:17:44Down the stairs
00:17:45That's crazy
00:17:46Every time I see a rainbow
00:17:48I don't think of gay rights
00:17:49I don't even think of rain
00:17:50I just think of God going
00:17:51I mean I didn't kill
00:17:54Everybody
00:18:07Some people don't even realize
00:18:09Noah's Ark's from the Bible
00:18:10I've asked people
00:18:11Oh do you know any Bible stories
00:18:12They go not one
00:18:13I go what about Noah
00:18:13They're like well I know that one
00:18:15Like that's how much
00:18:17Bible stories have like
00:18:18Infiltrated pop culture
00:18:20I have a friend who said
00:18:21They knew prodigal son
00:18:22And I go oh you know the story
00:18:23And they're like oh no
00:18:24I just think there was
00:18:25Like a show or something
00:18:26I've heard the term right
00:18:28If you don't know the story
00:18:29Of the prodigal son
00:18:30It's a story that Jesus teaches
00:18:32And it tells in the Bible
00:18:33To teach a lesson right
00:18:34So in the story
00:18:37There's a rich dad
00:18:38And he's got two sons
00:18:39And the older son
00:18:39Does everything right
00:18:40Because he's the oldest
00:18:41And the younger son
00:18:42Is like I want my money now
00:18:45And the dad's like
00:18:46Okay that's not how
00:18:47Inheritance works
00:18:47I'm fully alive
00:18:48But here you go
00:18:49So he gives the younger son
00:18:51His money
00:18:51Then this piece of shit
00:18:53Fucks right off
00:18:54Did I mention I'm the oldest of four
00:18:55This piece of shit
00:18:57Fucks right off
00:18:58And how do they put it
00:18:59Squanders his wealth
00:19:01On wild living
00:19:02Which is Bible
00:19:03For blows it all
00:19:04On bitcoin
00:19:04And lap dances
00:19:07He then has the audacity
00:19:09To come back
00:19:10Years later
00:19:10Like sorry dad
00:19:13I lost all your money
00:19:14I suck
00:19:15Can I come back
00:19:16And the older son
00:19:17Was probably like
00:19:18Yeah finally
00:19:19Finish him
00:19:21And the dad goes
00:19:24My baby's home
00:19:25Oh my god
00:19:27Let's throw him a big party
00:19:28I know all the oldest kids
00:19:29In here
00:19:29We all have diarrhea
00:19:31Right now
00:19:32I know every oldest kid
00:19:33In here
00:19:34Your asshole
00:19:34Went all the way
00:19:35Inside your body
00:19:36You're so upset
00:19:37Just remember
00:19:37These are people
00:19:38From the Bible
00:19:38They can't hurt you
00:19:39They've been dead a long time
00:19:40Okay
00:19:41We're almost done
00:19:42So the older son
00:19:44Is obviously pissed
00:19:45He's like
00:19:45Dad
00:19:46I've done everything right
00:19:47My whole life
00:19:48And you've never even
00:19:48Thrown me a small party
00:19:50Look it up
00:19:50He says that
00:19:52And the dad is like
00:19:54Yeah you're great
00:19:56Love you
00:19:58But your brother
00:20:01He was lost
00:20:02And now he's found
00:20:04So we celebrate
00:20:05And if you ask a pastor
00:20:07What that story is about
00:20:08They will tell you
00:20:09That it's about
00:20:09How you can go off
00:20:10And live in sin
00:20:10And lose your way
00:20:11Spiritually
00:20:12But you can always
00:20:13Return to the Lord
00:20:13And he'll forgive you
00:20:14And if you ask me
00:20:16What that story is about
00:20:18I will tell you
00:20:19That it is about
00:20:19How Jesus
00:20:20Was an only child
00:20:33But because I grew up
00:20:34In church
00:20:35I see Bible stories
00:20:35Everywhere
00:20:36Right
00:20:36Like
00:20:37Here's some fun ones
00:20:38What about the 200 foreskin story
00:20:40Do you know that one
00:20:41Yeah
00:20:41That's a deep cut
00:20:42So
00:20:45In the Bible
00:20:46David wanted to marry
00:20:47Saul's daughter
00:20:47And Saul's like
00:20:48You can marry my daughter
00:20:49If you bring me back
00:20:50The foreskins
00:20:51Of a hundred of my enemies
00:20:52Which like
00:20:52Whoa
00:20:53Scorpio
00:20:54Am I right
00:20:55Who has a hundred enemies
00:20:57And is thinking about
00:20:57Their foreskins
00:20:58Like
00:20:58Someone was born
00:21:00In deep November
00:21:02So Saul's like
00:21:03Give me a hundred foreskins
00:21:04Then we'll talk
00:21:04So David goes out
00:21:06Comes back
00:21:07With 200 foreskins
00:21:09And that's where the phrase
00:21:11If he wanted to
00:21:12He would
00:21:12Ladies
00:21:12Comes from
00:21:16That's not from TikTok
00:21:17That's from the Bible
00:21:20What about
00:21:21What about Job
00:21:22Have we heard of Job?
00:21:23Job?
00:21:24Got some Job heads
00:21:25In the house
00:21:25Job was this guy
00:21:27In the Bible
00:21:27He loved God so much
00:21:28One day God and Satan
00:21:29Are talking
00:21:30They don't really get
00:21:31Into why they're talking
00:21:32But you know
00:21:33Sometimes you call your ex
00:21:34And everyone's like
00:21:34What are you doing?
00:21:35Right?
00:21:36So God and Satan
00:21:37Are kicking it
00:21:38For some reason
00:21:38And Satan goes
00:21:40Hey God
00:21:40I noticed that Job
00:21:41Loves you a lot
00:21:42And God's like
00:21:43Yeah
00:21:45And Satan's like
00:21:46Well I bet
00:21:47He wouldn't love you
00:21:48As much
00:21:48If I fucked with him enough
00:21:49And God's like
00:21:52Okay
00:21:52I'm bored
00:21:53Let's see what you got
00:21:54So Satan goes out
00:21:55And he ruins Job's life
00:21:57But Job
00:21:59Never forsakes God
00:22:01And that is what
00:22:02How to lose a guy
00:22:03In ten days
00:22:03Is based off of
00:22:08Matthew McConaughey
00:22:09Is Job
00:22:11Kate Hudson
00:22:11Is Satan
00:22:18Is there anyone in here
00:22:19Who grew up religious
00:22:20But is not religious anymore?
00:22:25You're at the right show
00:22:27All right
00:22:28Of those people
00:22:28Who saved people?
00:22:29Who spread the good news
00:22:30While they were religious?
00:22:32Ooh
00:22:32Bit of a drop off there
00:22:34That's tough
00:22:34A lot of us
00:22:35Didn't do the homework
00:22:37You save people
00:22:38While you're religious?
00:22:39But you're not religious anymore?
00:22:41Okay
00:22:42Do you ever feel
00:22:42Serious question
00:22:43Do you ever feel like
00:22:45Maybe you should like
00:22:46Call those people?
00:22:49Just a courtesy call
00:22:50Like hey
00:22:51Remember what I told you
00:22:51About forever?
00:22:53I don't know
00:22:54What if those people
00:22:55Get up to heaven
00:22:55And they're like
00:22:56Look your sponsor's
00:22:57Not in there
00:22:57So
00:22:59We didn't know
00:23:00You were coming
00:23:01I don't know
00:23:01Are you sure?
00:23:02Maybe they holy ghosted you
00:23:04We're sorry
00:23:05For real though
00:23:05You gotta go to hell
00:23:06We're sorry about that
00:23:09I never saved anybody
00:23:10At all
00:23:11I was talking to someone
00:23:12Who grew up Mormon
00:23:12I was like
00:23:13Well you guys
00:23:13Were really saving people
00:23:14And he was like
00:23:15Oh yeah
00:23:15Baptism for the dead
00:23:16You guys know what that is?
00:23:17I didn't know
00:23:18Apparently
00:23:19In Mormonism
00:23:20Sometimes they will save people
00:23:22After they've died
00:23:23Which
00:23:24Really takes the pressure off
00:23:25Of saving live people
00:23:27Doesn't it?
00:23:28When you can just go
00:23:29Hey
00:23:29Do you believe in God?
00:23:30And they're like
00:23:30No
00:23:31And you're like
00:23:31That's okay
00:23:32We'll wait
00:23:36And then as soon as they're dead
00:23:37You're like
00:23:37Bibbity boppity Mormon
00:23:45This is how you get a soul
00:23:46To heaven, right?
00:23:48Like you're trying to get
00:23:49Poop smell out of your
00:23:49Hinge dates bathroom
00:23:52If you're not laughing
00:23:53You're married
00:23:53And fuck you
00:23:54This joke's not for you
00:23:57Enjoy shitting with the door open
00:23:58Some of us have to carry
00:23:59Matches everywhere
00:24:03My biggest issue with church
00:24:05Wasn't that they wanted us
00:24:06To save people
00:24:07It's that they wouldn't
00:24:08Let you make a good point
00:24:10Right?
00:24:10Anytime you were
00:24:11Growing up in church
00:24:12You were like
00:24:12Well you have to admit
00:24:13It was pretty messed up
00:24:14When God did this in the Bible
00:24:15They'd be like
00:24:16Well that was the Old Testament
00:24:17You know
00:24:17That was before God
00:24:19Stopped drinking
00:24:19Like that was a different guy
00:24:21Yeah he's kind of a fuckboy
00:24:23Back there
00:24:23And then he had a kid
00:24:24And he's like
00:24:24I'm different now
00:24:25You know
00:24:25He's like
00:24:27I was in a fraternity
00:24:28Of course I was drowning people
00:24:30Like it's
00:24:30People change
00:24:33Anytime you had
00:24:34An unanswerable question
00:24:35At church
00:24:35They always said the same thing
00:24:36They'd go
00:24:36That's a great question
00:24:39And we can ask God that
00:24:41When we get to heaven
00:24:44Which like
00:24:45If you were God
00:24:46How pissed would you be
00:24:48That they were sending people
00:24:50Up to heaven like that
00:24:51With a bunch of questions for you
00:24:52You're God
00:24:52You made everything and everyone
00:24:54You probably just want to do the
00:24:56Ta-da
00:24:56Heaven part
00:24:57And now every time someone dies
00:24:59You have to do a
00:25:01Press conference
00:25:03Every time someone dies
00:25:04You're like
00:25:05Hey
00:25:05Welcome to heaven
00:25:06They're like
00:25:07Okay but first God
00:25:07When a kid dies right
00:25:08And they didn't say the prayer
00:25:09And they didn't get saved
00:25:10That's an automatic heaven
00:25:11Right God
00:25:11You wouldn't send a kid to hell
00:25:12Right God
00:25:12Right God
00:25:13Right God
00:25:13Right God
00:25:15And God's like
00:25:16Fucking
00:25:23Seriously dude
00:25:24You're in heaven
00:25:25Bitch
00:25:25Do you go to Disneyland
00:25:26Like hope all the workers
00:25:28Get benefits
00:25:28Like shut up
00:25:32You are a killjoy
00:25:35Yes the kids are in heaven
00:25:37We muted the kids
00:25:38So we could all enjoy heaven
00:25:39But yes
00:25:45That's a dark one
00:25:46I know
00:25:46That's a dark one
00:25:47I have a dark sense of humor
00:25:48Partially because I grew up in church
00:25:50Church is a dark place
00:25:51Every Sunday
00:25:52You go to a big room
00:25:53Where the underlying message is
00:25:54Won't it be great
00:25:55When we all get to be dead with daddy
00:25:57That's church
00:25:59Can't wait to be dead with a dada
00:26:01That's church
00:26:03But I can't blame church entirely
00:26:05I also
00:26:05I had a parent die
00:26:06Really young
00:26:07So my siblings and I
00:26:08All have really dark senses of humor
00:26:10Right
00:26:11Like I was talking to my younger sibling
00:26:12Bryn recently
00:26:13Because you know how you and your siblings
00:26:14All remember
00:26:14Different parts of your childhood
00:26:16So sometimes you get together
00:26:18And you're like
00:26:18Alright here's what I remember
00:26:19What have you got
00:26:20Okay
00:26:21Let's put this all out on the table
00:26:23And figure out
00:26:24What the fuck happened to us
00:26:25Back there
00:26:26So we were having a puzzle day
00:26:28At home
00:26:30And I said
00:26:31Do you remember that
00:26:32Hospice grief support group
00:26:33We got sent to
00:26:34For kids whose parents
00:26:36Had died of cancer
00:26:37And Bryn goes
00:26:38Oh yeah
00:26:39Do you remember how not
00:26:40Everybody's parents
00:26:41Were dead yet
00:26:43Yes
00:26:44Some of them still had
00:26:46Active
00:26:46I'm just saying
00:26:47Feels like they could have
00:26:48Put us in different rooms
00:26:49Right
00:26:50Maybe do a shirts and skins
00:26:52Situation
00:26:53But no
00:26:54They were like
00:26:55Christmas present
00:26:55Christmas future
00:26:57Discuss
00:27:00Something's coming around the mountain
00:27:01You know what it is
00:27:07That's not what I remembered
00:27:08About the group
00:27:08What I remembered
00:27:09About the group
00:27:10Is there was one kid in there
00:27:11Whose parent hadn't died
00:27:13His uncle had died
00:27:15And um
00:27:16Look
00:27:19I don't want to be a bitch
00:27:22But like our mom
00:27:23Was dead
00:27:25And it just kind of feels like
00:27:33Paper covers uncle
00:27:35You know what I mean
00:27:36Like
00:27:37I'm just saying
00:27:37Like this kid had parents
00:27:39He wasn't spider-man
00:27:40Like
00:27:41Some losses affect who you are
00:27:43For the rest of your life
00:27:44And some
00:27:44Are your uncle
00:27:45Like what are we
00:27:48I do think when you have a parent
00:27:49Die young
00:27:49You tend to think about death
00:27:51A lot more than other people
00:27:52I certainly do
00:27:53I tend to
00:27:54Jump to the worst possible scenario
00:27:56I catastrophize constantly
00:27:58Much to the detriment
00:27:59Of many of my relationships
00:28:01I was dating a guy once
00:28:02And I said
00:28:03Hey babe
00:28:03When you don't hear back from me
00:28:05For a few hours
00:28:06Do you ever get scared
00:28:07That something bad
00:28:08Might have happened to me
00:28:09And he goes
00:28:10No
00:28:12I get scared
00:28:13You're mad at me
00:28:17Men would rather
00:28:18You be dead
00:28:19Than mad at them
00:28:21Men would rather
00:28:22Be in mourning
00:28:23Than in trouble
00:28:24That's the truth
00:28:24If a guy misses
00:28:26Five calls from his wife
00:28:28He's like
00:28:28Oh I hope this is
00:28:29The paramedic
00:28:30Who found her
00:28:35I also wish
00:28:37That joke didn't work
00:28:40You know what's so funny
00:28:42To me
00:28:42About men
00:28:43Who kill their wives
00:28:44What
00:28:45Well just wait
00:28:46What's so funny
00:28:47To me about men
00:28:48Who kill their wives
00:28:48Is like
00:28:49They think they're
00:28:50Gonna get away with it
00:28:51And it's like
00:28:52Dude
00:28:52You've never planned
00:28:54A god damn thing
00:28:58In your whole life
00:29:01You've never made a dinner reservation
00:29:04And now you're gonna hide a body
00:29:08This is quite the maiden voyage for event planning dude
00:29:12Maybe start with a potluck
00:29:18I do think I've spent a lot of my life
00:29:20Being really scared of death
00:29:21You know
00:29:22Anytime I wasn't actively yearning for it
00:29:24Of course
00:29:25Oh good
00:29:26Some depression in the room
00:29:27Thank god
00:29:28I did that joke in Sweden
00:29:29They just stared at me
00:29:30They were like
00:29:31Huh?
00:29:31Sad?
00:29:32For no reason?
00:29:33But how?
00:29:33They didn't get it
00:29:36A lot of this hour
00:29:37Europe didn't get
00:29:38They were like
00:29:39God
00:29:39We have health care
00:29:40They give you god
00:29:41Instead of health care?
00:29:44That doesn't seem like the same thing
00:29:47If you have depression
00:29:48You have a pretty
00:29:50Complicated relationship with death
00:29:51You sort of look at death
00:29:52Like it's the phantom of the opera
00:29:54Most of the time
00:29:55You're like
00:29:56Oh that's scary
00:29:56But then sometimes
00:29:57You're like
00:29:57I mean
00:29:58That side of his face
00:29:59Is kind of hot
00:30:03Hear me out
00:30:04I can live underground
00:30:05I don't know
00:30:07This section is sad
00:30:11I've been trying to face
00:30:13My fear of death
00:30:13Head on
00:30:14This past year
00:30:14I wrote a will
00:30:15Because a lot of my friends
00:30:16Were getting married
00:30:17And I was like
00:30:17I want to sign a scary document
00:30:21I learned so much
00:30:22If you don't have a will
00:30:23You gotta write one
00:30:24With a professional
00:30:25That panicked note
00:30:26You write on your phone
00:30:27During turbulence
00:30:27That will not hold up in court
00:30:29They taught me that
00:30:30I thought for sure
00:30:31That was fine
00:30:31Nope
00:30:32Here's what I learned
00:30:33I did not know this
00:30:34If you die unexpectedly
00:30:35Your closest living relatives
00:30:37Are your parents
00:30:38Not your siblings
00:30:39Which is what I thought
00:30:40Because I'm dumb
00:30:41So if you die unexpectedly
00:30:42Your parents will inherit
00:30:44Everything you own
00:30:45Unless you disinherit them
00:30:47In writing
00:30:47Like the petty bitch you are
00:30:49Right?
00:30:51And I know
00:30:52Some of you are sitting there
00:30:53Right now going
00:30:53Well whatever
00:30:54I don't have a good relationship
00:30:55With my parents Taylor
00:30:56But I don't really have anything
00:30:58For them to inherit
00:30:59Do you have a TV?
00:31:03Do you think
00:31:04Your shitty dad
00:31:06Deserves
00:31:06An extra
00:31:08TV?
00:31:11You think
00:31:12Your death
00:31:12Should feel like
00:31:13Winning the prices
00:31:13Right for him?
00:31:14Fuck that
00:31:15Call a lawyer
00:31:27But I had to make
00:31:28A lot of decisions
00:31:29When I wrote my will
00:31:30I had to choose
00:31:31Who was going to pull the plug
00:31:32If I'm in a coma
00:31:33So I picked my sibling
00:31:34Bryn
00:31:35Because they are going to
00:31:35Inherit my money
00:31:36If I die
00:31:36And I was like
00:31:37Earn it dude
00:31:38Right?
00:31:40I go
00:31:40You decide
00:31:41When that money drops
00:31:43And they were like
00:31:44Okay well if you're in a coma
00:31:45Not responding to anything
00:31:46What do you
00:31:47What do you want me to do?
00:31:48How long do you want me to wait?
00:31:48And I was like
00:31:49Here's what I want you to do
00:31:50I want you to start
00:31:51Parks and Rec
00:31:52From the beginning
00:31:54And I want you to keep it playing
00:31:55All day
00:31:56All night
00:31:56In my hospital room
00:31:58If we get
00:31:59To the end of that show
00:32:01And I have not woken up yet
00:32:04Start the office
00:32:07And then when Steve Carell leaves
00:32:09Just kill me
00:32:10Don't
00:32:12Do not make me watch
00:32:13Andy B. Manager
00:32:14Don't do that to me again
00:32:18Don't do that
00:32:24I had to decide
00:32:25What I want to happen
00:32:26To my remains
00:32:26When I'm gone
00:32:27Have you guys decided
00:32:28What you want to happen
00:32:29To your bodies
00:32:30When you're gone?
00:32:30Yeah?
00:32:31Well what are we gonna do?
00:32:32A tree pod
00:32:33A tree pod?
00:32:35Yeah?
00:32:35That's nice
00:32:36I like that you say tree pod
00:32:37Because every once in a while
00:32:37You get a girl
00:32:38Who's like
00:32:38I'm gonna be a tree
00:32:39And you have to explain to her
00:32:40Like oh sweetie
00:32:41You don't get to be the tree
00:32:44You're tree food
00:32:45You're helping the tree
00:32:45You're sort of like
00:32:46A pageant mom
00:32:47To the tree
00:32:47Like go baby go
00:32:50Be what I cannot
00:32:51Right?
00:32:52Tree pod's great
00:32:53What else we got?
00:32:54Donating to science
00:32:55Someone said
00:32:56What?
00:32:57Donating to science
00:32:58Donating to science
00:32:59What part of science?
00:33:00What area of science
00:33:01Are we thinking?
00:33:02Especially medical school
00:33:03Oh okay
00:33:04You have a medical school
00:33:04Picked out
00:33:05But not like a specific
00:33:06Area of science
00:33:07Not like
00:33:08Keep it all
00:33:09Above the net
00:33:09I'm just saying
00:33:10Do we trust
00:33:12A bunch of college kids
00:33:15With our dead bodies
00:33:17Do we feel
00:33:18Like here's a dead
00:33:19Mess of holes
00:33:19You decide
00:33:20What science is
00:33:21I'm not sure
00:33:22About that
00:33:22I just
00:33:23Leave specific instructions
00:33:25That's my only thing
00:33:26Is anyone getting cremated?
00:33:28Yeah?
00:33:28Okay
00:33:29I hope you have a plan
00:33:30For where you want
00:33:31Those ashes spread
00:33:32Because sometimes
00:33:32People go
00:33:33I don't know
00:33:33And it's like
00:33:34You are gonna end up
00:33:35Somewhere weird
00:33:36If you don't
00:33:37Your ashes are gonna
00:33:38End up in like
00:33:39The cup holder
00:33:40In your driver's side door
00:33:42You know that weird one
00:33:43Where every six months
00:33:44You're like
00:33:44Was that an oat milk latte
00:33:46Once?
00:33:47Like that's
00:33:47The best answer
00:33:48I got recently
00:33:49A guy yelled out
00:33:50Viking funeral
00:33:53Yeah
00:33:54Some guy in the crowd
00:33:55Just yelled out
00:33:55Viking funeral
00:33:57And I was like
00:33:57Okay
00:33:57I mean
00:33:58That's cool
00:33:59If you want that
00:33:59But I hope you have
00:34:00A niece or nephew
00:34:01That you're sending
00:34:01Into summer camp
00:34:02That can make that shot
00:34:04Cause
00:34:05That's a hard shot to make
00:34:07The boat gets smaller
00:34:08And smaller
00:34:08The further away it gets
00:34:09And if they miss
00:34:11That's not a Viking funeral anymore
00:34:12That's just a dead guy
00:34:14In a boat
00:34:16And that is not as festive
00:34:17Is it?
00:34:18That's stand by me too
00:34:23I'd like to be cremated
00:34:24Personally
00:34:25Because I like
00:34:26That you can inconvenience
00:34:27Your family
00:34:28After you're gone
00:34:28That's fun for me
00:34:29Cause who's gonna say no
00:34:31To taking your ashes home
00:34:32First off
00:34:33Like oh
00:34:34I couldn't possibly
00:34:35There's no
00:34:35There's no room
00:34:36At my house
00:34:37We're full up
00:34:39On haunted cups
00:34:40Like
00:34:40Nice try
00:34:42Take me home
00:34:42I'm so small
00:34:43Right
00:34:44And then if you want
00:34:45Your family
00:34:46To spread you somewhere
00:34:46Depending on how
00:34:47You feel about your family
00:34:48That's where you send them
00:34:49Right
00:34:50So if you love your family
00:34:51You're like
00:34:52I'd like you to spread me
00:34:53In Hawaii
00:34:53Over seven days
00:34:55Of PTO
00:34:55That's what I'd like
00:34:57Love you guys
00:34:58Miss you
00:34:59And then if you don't
00:35:00Like your family
00:35:00You can be like
00:35:01Have you been to Toledo
00:35:10In January
00:35:12Actually no
00:35:13No
00:35:13I want you to do it
00:35:14Right between Christmas
00:35:15And New Year's
00:35:19My mom was cremated
00:35:21And after my mom died
00:35:23My dad got remarried
00:35:24And when my dad got remarried
00:35:25He gave my mom's ashes
00:35:26To my grandma
00:35:27Because return to sender
00:35:29I guess
00:35:31You're right
00:35:32I am so sorry
00:35:33Return to manufacture
00:35:34That's what it is
00:35:36And his reasoning was
00:35:37He was like
00:35:38Look I'm getting remarried
00:35:39And I just
00:35:39I can't take these
00:35:40Into another woman's home
00:35:42And as his daughter
00:35:43I was like
00:35:44Yes you can
00:35:46But as an adult woman now
00:35:47I'm like
00:35:48Oh no you can't
00:35:50I've dated straight men
00:35:52I don't like it
00:35:52When they follow
00:35:53Their exes on Instagram
00:35:54You're telling me
00:35:54If he brought
00:35:55A little baggie
00:35:56Of her bones inside
00:35:58And was like
00:35:59This lives under the TV
00:36:00Forever
00:36:01I'd be like
00:36:02Cool love that there
00:36:03No I'd be
00:36:03Passive aggressive
00:36:04At best
00:36:05I'd probably flush
00:36:06A teaspoon of her
00:36:07Every day
00:36:29Until one day
00:36:30He picked it up
00:36:30And was like
00:36:31The urn feels lighter
00:36:32I'm like
00:36:32Maybe she lost weight
00:36:34Not you body shaming
00:36:36The urn babe
00:36:38You know what's funny
00:36:39About that joke
00:36:40I don't even really
00:36:40Feel that way anymore
00:36:41I think a younger
00:36:42Version of me
00:36:43Felt that way
00:36:44When you're single
00:36:44In your 30s
00:36:45You don't care
00:36:46About so much
00:36:47You kind of just
00:36:47Want someone
00:36:48Who's not gonna
00:36:48Bug you
00:36:50That's really
00:36:50In my 20s
00:36:51I was so insecure
00:36:52So toxic
00:36:53I was like
00:36:53I need to be
00:36:54Someone's first
00:36:55And only true love
00:36:56Their one and only wife
00:36:57I need to be
00:36:57With someone
00:36:58Who does not
00:36:59Watch pornography
00:37:00And now I'm like
00:37:01You can jerk off
00:37:01To your dead wife
00:37:02If you want
00:37:02I don't care
00:37:04You wanna put her
00:37:05Bones under the TV
00:37:06Is the TV
00:37:07Playing my show
00:37:09Then that's great
00:37:11And put as many
00:37:12Bitches up there
00:37:12As you want
00:37:13We'll watch
00:37:13Love is Blind
00:37:14As a family
00:37:22I told my buddy
00:37:24Dustin that
00:37:24And he goes
00:37:25What if you
00:37:25Married a guy
00:37:26Who was still in love
00:37:27With his dead wife
00:37:29And I was like
00:37:29She's not coming back
00:37:31What do I
00:37:32That's his thing
00:37:33To deal with
00:37:34You know
00:37:34Lock yourself
00:37:35In the bathroom
00:37:35Smell her shirts
00:37:36Cry it out
00:37:37But we're going
00:37:38To Chili's
00:37:38At five
00:37:41And the coupons
00:37:42For two
00:37:43Not three
00:37:43So
00:37:45Get it all
00:37:46Out of your system
00:37:46Babe
00:37:47Hell
00:37:47Jerk off
00:37:48Into the urn
00:37:49If you want
00:37:50When life gives you
00:37:51Lemons
00:37:52Make cement
00:37:52Or whatever
00:37:55It's romantic
00:37:57She can swallow
00:37:58One last time
00:38:08Shame on you
00:38:09For laughing at that
00:38:14I do think
00:38:16My fear of death
00:38:17Has propelled me
00:38:18Professionally
00:38:19It's made me
00:38:20Sort of a workaholic
00:38:21Probably
00:38:21I was doing
00:38:22Two full-time jobs
00:38:23For the last
00:38:24Couple of years
00:38:24I was touring
00:38:25Doing stand-up
00:38:26On the weekends
00:38:26And then I was
00:38:27Hosting a late night
00:38:28Show called
00:38:28After midnight
00:38:28During the week
00:38:30Oh thank you
00:38:32Thank you
00:38:33That's very nice
00:38:35Great experience
00:38:36Learned so much
00:38:37Worked with great people
00:38:38I had an assistant
00:38:39On set
00:38:39Which I initially
00:38:40Did not want
00:38:41It is a slippery slope
00:38:42Having someone
00:38:43Whose whole job
00:38:43Is to fetch you snacks
00:38:45Okay
00:38:45Because day one
00:38:46You're like
00:38:47Could I borrow
00:38:47A phone charger
00:38:48Next thing you know
00:38:48You're like
00:38:49Could I just grab a LaCroix
00:38:50Before you know it
00:38:50You're like
00:38:51Could you just hold
00:38:51Both my hands
00:38:52Until I fall asleep
00:38:55My assistant's name
00:38:56Was Molly
00:38:56Molly was incredible
00:38:57Molly was so good
00:38:58At her job
00:38:59I'm definitely
00:39:00Gonna die alone now
00:39:01Because the standard
00:39:02Of care in relationships
00:39:03Is now Molly
00:39:04Alright
00:39:06Here's how good
00:39:07Molly was at her job
00:39:07My first day
00:39:08On the Paramount lot
00:39:09I drive into the lot
00:39:10I park in a reserve
00:39:11Parking spot for me
00:39:12And there's a big bush
00:39:13That's sort of growing in
00:39:14To the driver's side door
00:39:15Right
00:39:15Nothing crazy
00:39:16Just enough to make it
00:39:17Kind of hard to like
00:39:18Shimmy out
00:39:19There's a few bees
00:39:20Buzzing around
00:39:20So I kind of did
00:39:21One of those
00:39:22Before I was like
00:39:23Hey
00:39:23Nice to meet you Molly
00:39:24That's all that happened
00:39:25I didn't complain
00:39:27About the bush
00:39:27I didn't report
00:39:28The bush to anyone
00:39:29Molly just witnessed
00:39:30The bush
00:39:31Touch me
00:39:32A little
00:39:34I drive under the lot
00:39:35The next day
00:39:37Park in my spot
00:39:38And the bush
00:39:39Was gone
00:39:42And I went
00:39:43Molly
00:39:43Did you have them
00:39:45Cut down
00:39:46This bush
00:39:47And she goes
00:39:48Yep
00:39:48And I had them
00:39:49Spray for bees
00:39:55And I went
00:39:56Okay
00:39:57No one
00:39:58Fuck with Molly
00:40:00She had that bush
00:40:01Whacked
00:40:02Literally
00:40:03I
00:40:03I couldn't talk
00:40:04Casual shit around her
00:40:05I didn't know
00:40:06What she would do
00:40:07I couldn't come in
00:40:09On a Tuesday
00:40:09Like Dave's
00:40:10Kind of bugging me today
00:40:11Cause I'd come in Wednesday
00:40:12Like hey
00:40:14Where's Dave
00:40:16He's with the bees
00:40:17Taylor
00:40:28You flinched in his presence
00:40:30So I took care of it
00:40:33It's my first time
00:40:34I'd ever had a corporate job
00:40:35So I got HR training
00:40:36Never had that before
00:40:37There's no HR
00:40:38In stand-up comedy
00:40:39It's the opposite
00:40:40In fact
00:40:40They're like
00:40:41Are you harassing people
00:40:42Great job
00:40:42Start a podcast
00:40:45It was fun
00:40:46That HR training
00:40:47I learned a lot
00:40:47Did you know
00:40:48We're allowed
00:40:48To fuck people at work
00:40:49Did you know that
00:40:51Well people from work
00:40:52You gotta take them
00:40:52Somewhere else
00:40:53But
00:40:54I thought everyone at work
00:40:56Was off limits
00:40:57Romantically
00:40:57Now according to
00:40:58Jill from HR
00:40:59She's like
00:40:59No you can
00:41:00Date
00:41:01You just have to
00:41:01Tell us if you are
00:41:02And I go
00:41:02Oh cause then
00:41:03You'll tell our
00:41:03Like higher up bosses
00:41:04And then now
00:41:05She goes
00:41:06No you just have to
00:41:06Tell us
00:41:07And I was like
00:41:07Who are these
00:41:08Sick little freaks
00:41:09In HR
00:41:11Who are like
00:41:11No you can fuck each other
00:41:13You just have to
00:41:13Tell us everything
00:41:16Was it good
00:41:17Do you have photos
00:41:17For the powerpoint
00:41:19That powerpoint was fun
00:41:20The one where they go
00:41:21Through all the different
00:41:22Scenarios
00:41:22Ask you is this appropriate
00:41:23Or inappropriate
00:41:24Spoiler alert
00:41:25They're all inappropriate
00:41:25I didn't know that
00:41:27I thought they were
00:41:27Supposed to inspire
00:41:29Conversation and debate
00:41:29No they're all
00:41:30Pretty clear thumbs down
00:41:32If you know what you're doing
00:41:32I had my own
00:41:34Private HR training
00:41:35Probably cause they knew
00:41:35I was the weakest link
00:41:36On set
00:41:37So they did it
00:41:38During my hair and makeup
00:41:39So it was me
00:41:39Deb and Havana
00:41:40Who did my hair and makeup
00:41:41For the show
00:41:41Jill is going through
00:41:42All the different scenarios
00:41:43Right
00:41:43She goes
00:41:44Alright
00:41:44Scenario number one
00:41:46Kyle tells Sharon
00:41:47On her birthday
00:41:47Doesn't matter how old
00:41:49You get
00:41:49I would still be down
00:41:51Any wingsetter
00:41:52Is that appropriate
00:41:53And we were like
00:41:55Do you have a picture of Kyle
00:42:04Is it the next slide
00:42:05How tall is Kyle
00:42:06What's he smell like
00:42:07What's he working with
00:42:08How old's Sharon
00:42:09Is she ovulating
00:42:09We don't have enough information
00:42:12To answer the prompts
00:42:13Jill
00:42:16My favorite thing
00:42:17About being on a network TV show
00:42:19Is that they would bleep
00:42:19All the bad words
00:42:20And cut some of the
00:42:22More raunchy stuff
00:42:22Which means that
00:42:24My religious grandparents
00:42:25Could watch the show
00:42:25And it wouldn't hurt their ears
00:42:26As much as my stand-up does
00:42:29Not to say that my grandparents
00:42:30Aren't supportive
00:42:31They really are
00:42:33I think that
00:42:34They're doing a really good job
00:42:36Trying to understand
00:42:37Where their liberal
00:42:37Agnostic grandkids
00:42:39Are coming from
00:42:39I can't stand it
00:42:40When people are too hard
00:42:41On their grandparents
00:42:42If your grandparents
00:42:43Are trying to understand you
00:42:45You gotta give them some grace
00:42:46If they mess up
00:42:47Here and there
00:42:48Terms wise
00:42:48When people are like
00:42:49Well my grandma
00:42:50Cannot remember my pronouns
00:42:51I'm like
00:42:52Does your grandma
00:42:52Remember her address?
00:42:55Grandma's got bigger fish to fry
00:42:57The light is coming
00:42:58Also do you know
00:42:59How old your grandma is?
00:43:00I don't
00:43:01Mine's been 62
00:43:01For 40 years
00:43:04Also you're taking more pictures
00:43:06Of your grandparents
00:43:07Than you ever have before
00:43:08And they've gotta know why
00:43:09And that can't feel good
00:43:20My grandparents are the best example
00:43:22I have in my life
00:43:23Of Christianity done right
00:43:24They're very loving
00:43:26Forgiving
00:43:26Non-judgmental people
00:43:28But my siblings and I
00:43:29Are all agnostic
00:43:29Because we didn't grow up
00:43:30With that type of Christianity
00:43:31We grew up in our
00:43:32Scary Christian house
00:43:33And when you grow up
00:43:34With something that hurts you
00:43:35As a kid
00:43:35You don't really want it
00:43:36In your Barbie dream house
00:43:38As a grown up
00:43:38Right
00:43:39I also don't wear belts
00:43:40Or use wooden spoons
00:43:41That's not a coincidence
00:43:42Okay
00:43:43Oh thank god
00:43:44We were all lightly abused
00:43:45I
00:43:47Again
00:43:47Did that joke in Sweden
00:43:49Thought they were gonna
00:43:50Call somebody
00:43:51It was
00:43:52I
00:43:52There's nothing worse
00:43:54Than admitting to a room
00:43:55Full of people
00:43:55That you got hit
00:43:56When they got tucked in at night
00:43:57It is humiliating
00:44:01No I don't keep anything
00:44:02In my house
00:44:02That hurt me as a kid
00:44:03No bibles
00:44:04No belts
00:44:04No bridge to Terabithia
00:44:14I'm hoping the author
00:44:15Sees this
00:44:16And writes me
00:44:16A personalized apology
00:44:21I do think that
00:44:22When you
00:44:23Grow up in a scary
00:44:25Religious environment
00:44:26You spend a lot
00:44:27Of your young adulthood
00:44:29Untangling who you are
00:44:30From who they
00:44:31Wanted you to be
00:44:32Like I just came out
00:44:33As queer
00:44:34In the last couple of years
00:44:35Oh thank you
00:44:38Thank you
00:44:39That's
00:44:40That's
00:44:40Really nice of you
00:44:42Because let me tell you
00:44:42Coming out as bisexual
00:44:44At 30
00:44:44Feels like saying to a waiter
00:44:45By the way
00:44:46It's my birthday
00:44:50They're like cool
00:44:51Sing to yourself
00:44:51You're a grown woman
00:44:52So
00:44:53You're like excuse me
00:44:54I was very brave
00:44:55I just came out
00:44:56They're like yeah
00:44:57But the coast was clear
00:44:57Wasn't it babe
00:44:58Like
00:45:00I would have come out sooner
00:45:01But I have three younger siblings
00:45:02And they're all queer
00:45:03And they kept coming out
00:45:04They just kept popping out
00:45:06Like little groundhogs
00:45:07And every time another one
00:45:09Popped out
00:45:09I was like well
00:45:09That's six more months
00:45:10Of heterosexuality for me
00:45:12I guess
00:45:14I was also hesitant
00:45:15To come out as bisexual
00:45:16Because there's a stigma
00:45:17Around it right
00:45:18When you say you're bisexual
00:45:19A lot of people assume
00:45:20That you are
00:45:21Good at sex
00:45:23And I'm not guys
00:45:24And I refuse to get better
00:45:25Alright
00:45:26I'm not learning
00:45:28Any more tricks
00:45:29Okay
00:45:29I turned 30
00:45:30I was like
00:45:31Shut it down
00:45:32As Jesus said
00:45:34It is finished
00:45:36I'm hitting safe progress
00:45:38I'm gonna die on this level
00:45:41But I didn't want to tarnish
00:45:42The brand of bisexuality
00:45:44I didn't want to bring down
00:45:45The team
00:45:46I have so many queer friends
00:45:47Who are so
00:45:48Open and free
00:45:50With their sexualities
00:45:51It's like
00:45:51Oh it's so fun
00:45:52I have so many like
00:45:53Samanthas in my friend group
00:45:55And they're so fun
00:45:56And inspiring
00:45:57But I also think
00:45:58We need some gay prude
00:45:59Representation as well
00:46:01I think we need more
00:46:02Gay prudes to stand up
00:46:04And go
00:46:04I too am bisexual
00:46:05I'm attracted to all of you
00:46:07And I trust
00:46:08No one
00:46:17I would
00:46:17But I will not
00:46:20It's also scary
00:46:21To say you're bisexual
00:46:22For the same reason
00:46:22It's scary
00:46:23To say you're suicidal
00:46:24There's always gonna be people
00:46:25Who are like
00:46:26If you don't go all the way
00:46:26You just want attention
00:46:35You know who likes that joke?
00:46:36Queer people
00:46:36Queer people get that joke?
00:46:38Straight people are like
00:46:39Oh my god
00:46:40There were so many sad words
00:46:43Which is fair
00:46:44You're right
00:46:46No offense
00:46:46Straight guys
00:46:47I have to say
00:46:48I am so glad
00:46:49That straight men
00:46:50Are not my only option anymore
00:46:51That was bleak
00:46:52That was tough
00:46:53And it's not
00:46:54Because you're bad people
00:46:55You're just so hard
00:46:56To communicate with
00:46:57I mean
00:46:57And I tried
00:46:58I've been to couples therapy
00:47:00With a lot of dudes
00:47:01Never been married
00:47:02That's embarrassing
00:47:04You know how embarrassing
00:47:05It is to break up
00:47:06With someone
00:47:06You've been to couples therapy with
00:47:08You just have to live
00:47:09The rest of your life
00:47:10With all this useless information
00:47:11About some dude's childhood
00:47:13You're like
00:47:14Cool
00:47:14Guess I'll just go
00:47:15The rest of my days
00:47:16Knowing what triggers Michael
00:47:18That sucks
00:47:21I also couldn't get
00:47:22On the same page
00:47:23With a lot of my boyfriends
00:47:24About our future
00:47:26Like I used to
00:47:27Only want to adopt
00:47:28If I was gonna have kids
00:47:29And every straight guy
00:47:30I ever dated
00:47:30Was like
00:47:31No it's gonna look like me
00:47:32Or I'll eat it
00:47:33Every guy
00:47:34Which hey
00:47:35I've never been a father
00:47:36Maybe that's true
00:47:37Right
00:47:38I had one boyfriend
00:47:39Who said he would
00:47:40Use a surrogate
00:47:41He was open to that idea
00:47:42Which I do love
00:47:43The idea of a surrogate
00:47:44What a power move
00:47:45To be like
00:47:45Can you just hold this
00:47:46For nine months
00:47:46I'm
00:47:47I'm so busy
00:47:49I'm getting a call
00:47:49Don't eat fish
00:47:51You breeze back in
00:47:53Nine months later
00:47:54Their guts are everywhere
00:47:54You have a blowout
00:47:55You're like
00:47:56Thank you so much
00:47:57Thank you
00:47:59Hey
00:47:59Hey
00:48:00You're glowing
00:48:01You're brave
00:48:01Money's on the night
00:48:02Stand five stars
00:48:03Bye
00:48:12You're like
00:48:12That was a lot
00:48:13I'm gonna do
00:48:14No contact delivery
00:48:15Next time
00:48:16Yeah
00:48:17No
00:48:17You're at the right place
00:48:18Just leave it on the porch
00:48:19Take a picture
00:48:19I'll come get it
00:48:20When you're gone
00:48:22No you're at the right house
00:48:23I just
00:48:23Look if I was an extrovert
00:48:24I would have had it myself
00:48:25So
00:48:28I'm not sure if I want kids now
00:48:30I go back and forth
00:48:31On whether or not
00:48:32I want kids so often
00:48:33That sometimes
00:48:34I just want to get my tubes tied
00:48:35Because that feels like
00:48:36The reproductive equivalent
00:48:37Of pouring water
00:48:39On brownies in the trash
00:48:48You know when you're like
00:48:49I'm gonna want these later
00:48:53But I'm thinking straight now
00:48:57So I'm gonna remove the option
00:48:59If you're not laughing
00:49:00Congrats on having a healthy relationship
00:49:02With food your whole life
00:49:06Do we have any moms in here
00:49:08That wouldn't mind
00:49:09Oh good
00:49:09And you're like
00:49:10Yes I am
00:49:10I love that
00:49:11That wouldn't mind me
00:49:12Asking them personal questions
00:49:13About childbirth
00:49:14Love it
00:49:14Your hand's still up
00:49:15Love that
00:49:16Moms are so cool
00:49:17They're always like
00:49:18Yeah sure
00:49:18I'm an open book
00:49:19Literally
00:49:19They cracked my spine
00:49:20On the way out
00:49:21So
00:49:22I would love to share
00:49:24Okay
00:49:24How many kids do you have?
00:49:26Two
00:49:26Nice
00:49:27How old are they?
00:49:2916 and 18
00:49:29Oh thank god
00:49:30They're like full people
00:49:31When people have babies
00:49:33I just
00:49:33I freeze up
00:49:34I'm like
00:49:34Oh is it water?
00:49:36Talk
00:49:38Has it opened its eyes?
00:49:40Or
00:49:41Has it dried out?
00:49:42They come out pretty slick
00:49:43Right?
00:49:43Yeah
00:49:44Got a grip on it
00:49:46Okay
00:49:46Okay
00:49:47You got teenagers
00:49:47Did you have your kids
00:49:49Out the main terminal?
00:49:51Yeah
00:49:51I thought that was a classy way
00:49:53Of putting it
00:49:54Okay
00:49:54So I've talked to a lot of women
00:49:56On this tour
00:49:57Who have told me
00:49:58Because I'm very scared
00:49:59Of childbirth
00:49:59Which makes sense
00:50:00I grew up in church
00:50:01Where not even abstinence
00:50:04Could protect you fully
00:50:05Right?
00:50:07They told you the story of Mary
00:50:09They're like
00:50:10Yeah no
00:50:10Keep your knees closed
00:50:11Hope god doesn't pick you
00:50:13Like it's
00:50:15It adds a whole other layer
00:50:18Of fear
00:50:18To childbirth
00:50:19Childbirth is already terrifying
00:50:21What if it's breach?
00:50:22What if it's sick?
00:50:23What if it's god?
00:50:26So I'm very scared
00:50:27Of childbirth
00:50:28And I've talked to a lot
00:50:29Of moms on this tour
00:50:29Who have told me
00:50:30That when you're pushing
00:50:32A lot of times
00:50:33Your body's like
00:50:34We know what you're looking for
00:50:37Coming right up
00:50:38Ding ding ding
00:50:39And at some point
00:50:40During the process
00:50:42In addition to a baby
00:50:43You may also
00:50:43Push out
00:50:44Did you poop?
00:50:45Yeah
00:50:45Thank you for being honest
00:50:47Thank you so much
00:50:48Here's what I've learned
00:50:49Asking that question
00:50:50For the last couple years
00:50:51There's only two correct answers
00:50:52To did you poop
00:50:53During childbirth
00:50:54Yes I did
00:50:55And I do not recall
00:50:59Yes I did
00:51:00Or none of my business
00:51:02Cause some moms
00:51:03Talk about childbirth
00:51:03Like it's a music festival
00:51:05They went to once
00:51:05They're like
00:51:06I was on a lot of drugs
00:51:09I think your dad was there
00:51:11I don't know
00:51:12All I remember is
00:51:12I kept yelling
00:51:13Play my song bitch
00:51:16And they made me leave
00:51:17Before I was ready
00:51:22The first time
00:51:23I ever asked someone
00:51:24I was at a comedy club
00:51:25In Dallas, Texas
00:51:26There was a woman
00:51:26In the front row
00:51:27She goes
00:51:27Three kids
00:51:28Never pooped
00:51:29And there was
00:51:29A table of nurses
00:51:31Nearby
00:51:31Who were wasted
00:51:33You guys
00:51:34Who started
00:51:35Scream laughing at her
00:51:37Everybody poops
00:51:39Every single person
00:51:41And if you think
00:51:42You didn't
00:51:43Then we fucking
00:51:44Lied to you
00:51:52And I had to watch
00:51:53This whole woman's world
00:51:55Change
00:51:56It was like
00:51:57The Truman Show
00:51:58I felt so bad
00:51:59I was trying to save
00:51:59The vibe in there
00:52:00I was like
00:52:00Hey babe
00:52:01Don't feel bad
00:52:01Even if I
00:52:02You know
00:52:03Airlift mine out
00:52:03I'm gonna poop on that table
00:52:05Just to show them
00:52:05Who's boss
00:52:06Right
00:52:12To be clear
00:52:13When I say
00:52:13That I came out
00:52:14In the last couple of years
00:52:15I just mean publicly
00:52:16Right
00:52:17Like I came out
00:52:17To friends
00:52:18Earlier than that
00:52:19But I don't think
00:52:19I did it right
00:52:20I think I was too casual
00:52:21About it
00:52:22I think I was supposed
00:52:22To do like
00:52:23An episode of Glee
00:52:25And I just sort of
00:52:26Mentioned it
00:52:27Like oh by the way
00:52:27I think I'm gonna date
00:52:28Women now too
00:52:29And they were like
00:52:30Okay
00:52:31Like I said
00:52:31I was vegan
00:52:32Or something
00:52:33Like okay
00:52:34We'll see how long
00:52:34That lasts
00:52:35You need iron
00:52:36Bitch
00:52:36Like they were not
00:52:38They really accepted it
00:52:39Once I had my first girlfriend
00:52:41I started dating this girl
00:52:42Who was so hot
00:52:43I was like
00:52:44Oh my god
00:52:45Am I
00:52:45Pete Davidson
00:52:54How tall am I
00:52:55And when I started dating women
00:52:57It was the closest I'd come
00:52:58To feeling religious
00:52:59In a long time
00:53:00Because my friends
00:53:01Would complain
00:53:01About their boyfriends
00:53:02And husbands
00:53:03And I was like
00:53:04Have you heard
00:53:05The good news
00:53:08You don't have to live
00:53:10Like this
00:53:11There's a better way
00:53:15Then once I had a girlfriend
00:53:17Then my friends
00:53:17Started coming to me
00:53:18With a lot of their questions
00:53:19They started coming to me
00:53:20With their millennial regrets
00:53:21Do we have any Gen Z
00:53:23In here tonight
00:53:24Oh my god
00:53:26Shut up
00:53:26Really
00:53:27Okay
00:53:27Everyone be cool
00:53:28In front of my new friends
00:53:28Alright
00:53:30Now Gen Z
00:53:31You won't really get this
00:53:32Because you guys
00:53:32Are very good
00:53:33At exploring your identities
00:53:34And sexualities
00:53:35You want to know
00:53:35Who you are
00:53:36And what you're capable of
00:53:37And what you have to understand
00:53:38About us millennials
00:53:38Is we wake up every day
00:53:40And look in the mirror
00:53:41Like
00:53:42Shh
00:53:45Don't feel joy outside
00:53:49You'll upset mama and papa
00:53:53Just wait
00:53:54Be free in death
00:53:55Wait
00:53:56Those are our mourning affirmations
00:53:58So
00:53:59We're dealing with a lot
00:54:00We're repressing a lot
00:54:01So I had a lot of female friends
00:54:03In their 30s and 40s
00:54:04Who were like
00:54:06I wish I had dated women
00:54:07But you know
00:54:07They ended up with a man
00:54:08And they were happy
00:54:09But they were like
00:54:09I wish I had done that
00:54:10And so they were asking me
00:54:11A lot of personal questions
00:54:13Like
00:54:13Is it better having sex with women
00:54:15And I was like
00:54:16Do you really want me to tell you
00:54:17Because you said
00:54:17You were pretty locked in
00:54:18With that guy
00:54:21And they were like
00:54:22No
00:54:22Like
00:54:22Is it really
00:54:23Is it really different
00:54:24And I was like
00:54:25Yeah
00:54:26And they were like
00:54:26Well
00:54:27How
00:54:30So
00:54:31Here's
00:54:31Here's what I said
00:54:32I think
00:54:33The biggest difference
00:54:34Between having sex
00:54:35With men and women
00:54:37Is when you're having sex
00:54:38With a woman
00:54:40You're there
00:54:41The whole time
00:54:45Yeah
00:54:48Cause you know
00:54:48How with a man
00:54:49You can kind of just like
00:54:55Not in a traumatic way
00:54:57Just in like
00:54:57Oh
00:54:58I'm in the backseat
00:54:59On a road trip
00:54:59Forgot my headphones
00:55:00Let's look at clouds
00:55:12Huh
00:55:12I did
00:55:13I did
00:55:14Yeah
00:55:14Absolutely
00:55:16Yes
00:55:16Oh my god
00:55:17Yes
00:55:18A big one
00:55:18A huge
00:55:19Big
00:55:20Quiet
00:55:21But big
00:55:21Just
00:55:22Silent but deadly
00:55:24I love those
00:55:25Thank you so much
00:55:28I've never faked an orgasm
00:55:29Cause I think our generation
00:55:30Got enough participation trophies
00:55:32But
00:55:33But I don't judge you
00:55:34If you have to
00:55:35We've all been there right
00:55:36When it's going too long
00:55:37If you want to fake an orgasm
00:55:39Here's a little tip
00:55:40From me to you
00:55:41Just hold your breath
00:55:44For as long as you can
00:55:47Because then
00:55:48When you're like
00:56:01It'll seem like you came
00:56:03When really you just came
00:56:05Up for air
00:56:07That's how you get rid of hiccups
00:56:09And Jeremy
00:56:14I do like having sex
00:56:15With men sometimes
00:56:16I will say
00:56:17Does anyone like
00:56:18Sucking dick for real?
00:56:20Does anyone really?
00:56:20Yeah
00:56:21Oh wow
00:56:21Good for you
00:56:22Just a quiet hand raise
00:56:24That's beautiful
00:56:29So nice
00:56:30Wow
00:56:30Heroes among us
00:56:31Good for you
00:56:33I like sucking dick
00:56:34The way I like
00:56:35Going for a run
00:56:36I'm proud of myself
00:56:37After
00:56:42But during
00:56:42I'm always like
00:56:43Why'd I do this?
00:56:44I didn't have to do this
00:56:46There's other ways
00:56:47To get where I'm going
00:56:50But then afterwards
00:56:51I'm always like
00:56:51Wow
00:56:52The power of the human spirit
00:56:55Really is all mind
00:56:57Over matter out there
00:56:58But then during
00:56:59I'm like
00:57:00People should be throwing
00:57:00Little cups of water on me
00:57:01For being so brave
00:57:03But then afterwards
00:57:04I'm like
00:57:05Nice
00:57:05Got my time down
00:57:14We're trying to get faster
00:57:15Not better
00:57:19I remember I was so scared
00:57:20To start going down on women
00:57:21And then I went down on a girl
00:57:23For the first time
00:57:24And I was like
00:57:24Oh my god
00:57:25That was so much better
00:57:27I was so mad
00:57:28At my whole life
00:57:29I was like
00:57:30You're telling me
00:57:31This whole time
00:57:31I could have been
00:57:32Licking ice creams
00:57:34And instead
00:57:35I've been
00:57:37Swallowing swords
00:57:41Could have been living
00:57:42Like a child
00:57:43On the boardwalk
00:57:44Instead I've been living
00:57:44Like a carny
00:57:45With something to prove
00:57:49Not that I'm like
00:57:50Killing it at queer dating
00:57:51I am not
00:57:52I'm running into obstacles
00:57:53I never thought I'd face
00:57:54I got dumped
00:57:55By a polyamorous person
00:57:56You ever been dumped
00:57:57By a polyamorous person
00:57:58It sucks
00:57:59It's like getting fired
00:58:00From a part time job
00:58:03They're like
00:58:04You can't even work here
00:58:05Mondays and Tuesdays
00:58:06Holy shit
00:58:07I didn't think I was gonna like
00:58:08Dating somebody poly
00:58:09She was poly
00:58:10I was busy
00:58:11But
00:58:12It actually ended up
00:58:14Being the most honest
00:58:15Transparent
00:58:15Communicative relationship
00:58:16I'd ever been in
00:58:17And I was totally in love
00:58:18With her
00:58:18And she dumped me
00:58:19Because I work too much
00:58:20And let me tell you something
00:58:22Grand Rapids
00:58:22When I started dating
00:58:23A polyamorous person
00:58:24I did not think
00:58:25It was gonna end
00:58:26Because my lifestyle
00:58:28Didn't work for them
00:58:32I know some of you
00:58:33Don't believe me
00:58:34You're like
00:58:34There's no way
00:58:34You liked being poly
00:58:35Taylor
00:58:36You are not cool
00:58:37You reek of monogamy
00:58:38I bet you masturbate
00:58:39To Bridgerton
00:58:39And you know what
00:58:40I don't
00:58:41I have
00:58:42But I don't
00:58:48That joke's not going
00:58:49In the special
00:58:49There's no way
00:58:51No no no
00:58:52That's way too vulnerable
00:58:53To put on Netflix
00:58:55We'll not be doing that
00:58:56Unless it helps the algorithm
00:58:58We'll have to talk about it
00:59:00If Netflix was like
00:59:01If you liked Bridgerton
00:59:14I really appreciate you guys
00:59:15Coming to this new
00:59:16Hour of Material
00:59:17Because I know
00:59:17It's a lot of God stuff
00:59:18And a lot of gay stuff
00:59:19And my agents are nervous
00:59:23I think my whole team
00:59:24Was a little nervous
00:59:25When I said I was gonna do
00:59:26A tour called Save Me
00:59:27And talk about religion
00:59:28I got a call
00:59:28From my publicist
00:59:30One day like
00:59:30Hey I heard you're gonna
00:59:31Call this special
00:59:32Prodigal daughter
00:59:33And you wanna call
00:59:33The tour Save Me
00:59:34I think that's great
00:59:35Just making sure
00:59:35You're not taking
00:59:36You're not taking any promo photos
00:59:37Like hanging upside down
00:59:38From a cross
00:59:39Right
00:59:42Anyway so we got rid
00:59:43Of those photos
00:59:44But no I did
00:59:46I did not do that
00:59:47I did not do that
00:59:48That was never the intention
00:59:49I understand why
00:59:50They thought it was gonna be
00:59:52An hour just bashing
00:59:53Christianity
00:59:54Because if you watch
00:59:55All of my other specials
00:59:56I usually take a few minutes
00:59:57To take a few shots
00:59:59At Christianity
01:00:00And that's because
01:00:01I was working through
01:00:02A lot of stuff
01:00:02From my childhood
01:00:03And also I was really jealous
01:00:05That Christianity
01:00:07Had worked for other people
01:00:08And not me
01:00:09As a mentally ill person
01:00:11It is devastating
01:00:12When someone just goes
01:00:13Yeah I used to be sad too
01:00:14And then I accepted Jesus
01:00:16Into my heart
01:00:16And now I'm all better
01:00:17And you're like
01:00:19Oh is that all you did
01:00:21That's all you did
01:00:24Just said a little poem
01:00:25In the dark
01:00:25And now you're worthy of love
01:00:27That's great
01:00:27I love that for you
01:00:40It's like when someone goes
01:00:41Yeah I just stopped drinking soda
01:00:43Lost 20 pounds
01:00:43All my acne went away
01:00:44And you're like
01:00:45Oh my god that's so cool
01:00:45I hope your plane
01:00:46Falls out of the sky
01:00:52The problem that I have
01:00:54With religion
01:00:55Is it can be interpreted
01:00:58So many different ways
01:00:59Right
01:00:59Like you can say
01:01:00To a room full of people
01:01:01Jesus loves you
01:01:02No matter what
01:01:03And a lot of those people
01:01:04Will hear
01:01:05Jesus loves me
01:01:06But some of those people
01:01:08Will hear
01:01:10No matter what
01:01:13And that's the problem
01:01:14Right
01:01:15Religion can be used
01:01:16As either a weapon
01:01:17Or a tool
01:01:18And to be clear
01:01:18If you are using religion
01:01:20As a weapon
01:01:21To control
01:01:22Manipulate
01:01:23Scare people
01:01:24To make yourself feel
01:01:25Superior to everyone else
01:01:26Fuck you
01:01:27That's not what it's for
01:01:33You are not
01:01:35Using that correctly
01:01:38You're using a vibrator
01:01:40As a back massager
01:01:41And we're all
01:01:41Fucking laughing at you
01:01:45Because if God
01:01:46Does exist
01:01:46He does not exist
01:01:47To make you feel
01:01:48Better than other people
01:01:49He exists to make you
01:01:51Better for other people
01:01:59And life is so fucking hard
01:02:01Whatever makes you
01:02:02A better person
01:02:03For other people
01:02:04That's what you should be doing
01:02:06We do this weird thing
01:02:07Where we like
01:02:07Forget that everybody's struggling
01:02:09Everybody's just trying
01:02:10To get through it
01:02:11And we judge each other's
01:02:12Coping mechanisms
01:02:13Like oh you're a quitter
01:02:14If you get on antidepressants
01:02:15You're stupid
01:02:16If you believe in God
01:02:17Bitch
01:02:18I'm on mood stabilizers
01:02:19You're on Jesus
01:02:20We're all trying to get to
01:02:21Dead with daddy
01:02:22We're all trying to get there
01:02:27It's fine
01:02:31And there are a lot of people
01:02:33Who are using religion correctly
01:02:35People like my aunt and uncle
01:02:36My grandparents
01:02:37The people at this church
01:02:38There are a lot of people
01:02:39Who are using religion
01:02:40As a tool
01:02:41For community
01:02:42And connection
01:02:43And compassion
01:02:44And comfort
01:02:46And when I was writing this hour
01:02:48I was thinking about those people
01:02:50And I was thinking about my family
01:02:51And I was trying to think
01:02:52Of positive things
01:02:53That came out of me
01:02:54Growing up in church
01:02:56And the most positive thing
01:02:57I can't believe
01:02:58I didn't think of sooner
01:02:59I started doing stand-up
01:03:00In churches
01:03:01That's how I started doing this
01:03:02They called it testimony
01:03:03But I was getting laughs
01:03:04And no
01:03:08No I really did
01:03:09I started doing stand-up
01:03:10When I was 16 years old
01:03:11And for the first like
01:03:12I don't know
01:03:12Like four or five years
01:03:13Of my career
01:03:14I was performing
01:03:15In a lot of churches
01:03:16If you don't know
01:03:17In America
01:03:18You can make a living
01:03:18As a church comedian
01:03:19You can tour churches
01:03:21Even bigger than this
01:03:22Four or five thousand seats
01:03:24And make a great living that way
01:03:26And when I was like 21
01:03:27I had to decide
01:03:28Am I gonna go
01:03:29The church comedian route
01:03:30Or am I gonna go
01:03:31The secular comedian route
01:03:32And I think you know
01:03:34What I picked
01:03:36But I am so grateful
01:03:37To have that as my foundation
01:03:39For my stand-up career
01:03:41I mean I got so much
01:03:42Professional stage time
01:03:44In front of thousands of people
01:03:45I got paid
01:03:46I learned how to work clean
01:03:47And perform
01:03:48In any room
01:03:49And I think about that a lot
01:03:52I'm so grateful for it
01:03:53And I know a lot of you
01:03:53Are probably sitting there right now
01:03:54Going
01:03:55Well that's nice
01:03:58It's cute that you're grateful
01:03:59Taylor
01:04:00And we
01:04:00You know
01:04:01We get what you're doing
01:04:02With the church
01:04:03And everything
01:04:04But um
01:04:05We've seen your stuff now
01:04:08And there's no way
01:04:10You could perform
01:04:11In churches now
01:04:12And here's the thing
01:04:14I don't want to
01:04:15And I probably won't
01:04:18But I fucking could though
01:04:20Okay
01:04:21Oh
01:04:22If I get cancelled
01:04:24Or some shit
01:04:25I'm a fucking professional
01:04:26And I will be returning
01:04:28To churches
01:04:28Okay
01:04:29I will turn this ship around
01:04:31So goddamn
01:04:32Gosh darn fast
01:04:34In a fetus's heartbeat
01:04:36I'll go back to churches
01:04:37I will rebrand
01:04:38Like you've never seen
01:04:39I'll get real big hair
01:04:40Marry a man
01:04:41Let him lead
01:04:43Write a book
01:04:44Called Submissive Wife
01:04:45Submissive Life
01:04:47Adopt a southern accent
01:04:49Out of nowhere
01:04:51And yeah
01:04:51I'm going on tour
01:04:52I have the beginning of the show
01:04:53All planned out in my head
01:04:54It's gonna start off
01:04:55Pitch black auditorium
01:04:56Then on the big screen
01:04:58I'm only doing mega churches
01:04:59That's where the money is
01:05:00On the big screen
01:05:02A black and white montage
01:05:03Probably starting
01:05:04With the Netflix
01:05:05Ba-dum
01:05:05Noise
01:05:06They own my ass
01:05:07For like eight more years
01:05:09A black and white montage
01:05:10Of all my raunchiest jokes
01:05:12From my twenties
01:05:13And that's why
01:05:13Getting a guy to wear a condom
01:05:15Is like
01:05:16Fade out to demon noises
01:05:18Freeze frame
01:05:19On my young face
01:05:20Lights slowly come up
01:05:22As I walk out
01:05:23Wearing all
01:05:24You know what?
01:05:26I'm just gonna show you
01:05:27I'm just gonna show you
01:05:38This is how you get pussy!
01:05:40I came so hard
01:05:41I'll have you know in bed
01:05:42I'm a wild animal
01:05:44Okay?
01:05:45And that's when I stopped
01:05:46Believing in God
01:05:47Go home and google
01:05:48Porn for women
01:05:49Okay?
01:05:50I lost my virginity late
01:05:51I lost it when I was
01:05:52Financially independent
01:05:54You guys I'm literally
01:05:55Fucking the Patriarch
01:05:56Wet let me feel
01:05:57Yeah I grew up with God
01:05:58He's a douchebag
01:05:59That joke makes it sound like
01:06:01I resent my religious upbringing
01:06:02And I do
01:06:03So I nailed it
01:06:04Fucking hell
01:06:05No Christian parents
01:06:06Want to watch their daughter
01:06:07Talk about depression
01:06:07And dick for an hour
01:06:08Take that Jesus
01:06:10I don't know if any of you
01:06:11Have tried to get a
01:06:12Twenty-something dude
01:06:13From a dating app
01:06:14To wear a condom lately
01:06:15But it's sort of like
01:06:16Trying to convince a five-year-old
01:06:18To put a jacket on
01:06:20Over his Halloween costume
01:06:22That's when I stopped
01:06:24And you guys
01:06:24You think I haven't
01:06:26Tried to masturbate
01:06:27What the hell
01:06:28Oh my God
01:06:29That sucks
01:06:29Jesus
01:07:01Anybody recognize her?
01:07:04That was me
01:07:06Back when Satan
01:07:07Had me in his clutches
01:07:10And I can see some of you
01:07:11Feeling like
01:07:12Joseph on Christmas
01:07:13Right now
01:07:14Like
01:07:15Mmm
01:07:15Is this whore
01:07:16Lying to me?
01:07:18But everybody loves
01:07:20A comeback
01:07:20Don't they?
01:07:21It ain't a rebrand
01:07:22It's a rebirth folks
01:07:24Welcome to the
01:07:25Prodigal Daughter Tour
01:07:35Give me, give me, give me
01:07:37I'm mad after midnight
01:07:39Oh, somebody help me
01:07:41Just the shadows away
01:07:42Give me, give me
01:07:44Give me
01:07:44I'm mad after midnight
01:07:46All right
01:07:47Here's some great
01:07:48Queer Awakenings
01:07:49People sent in
01:07:49We always get
01:07:50We always get
01:07:52The cast of Pirates
01:07:53Of the Caribbean
01:07:53We always get
01:07:54Shego from Kim Possible
01:07:56We always get
01:07:57Robin Hood
01:07:58The Fox version
01:08:01Yeah, you know
01:08:03And then people always
01:08:04Asked what my
01:08:05Queer Awakening was
01:08:06And my Queer Awakening
01:08:08I figured out
01:08:08Because I was watching
01:08:09Home movies
01:08:10Of me as a little kid
01:08:11And I found this video
01:08:12Of me talking to my mom
01:08:13When I was like
01:08:13Three or four
01:08:14And do you guys remember
01:08:15The girl deer
01:08:16From Bambi
01:08:17Falleen
01:08:18Okay
01:08:19So apparently
01:08:20Falleen was my
01:08:21Queer Awakening
01:08:21And we do have
01:08:23The footage
01:08:24What's the best?
01:08:26Because he's just the best
01:08:29What about Falleen?
01:08:31Isn't she the best too?
01:08:32Yeah
01:08:32She's very pretty
01:08:34She looks like a hot dog
01:08:36In a pan
01:08:37She looks like a hot dog
01:08:39In a pan?
01:08:41My goodness
01:08:42What does that mean?
01:08:43I don't know
01:08:47Thank you so much
01:08:48Grand Rapids
01:08:49I cannot thank you enough
01:08:50One more time
01:08:51For Sophie Muddle
01:08:51Everybody
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