00:00Oh, look at you, a sweet, beautiful baby.
00:06Hello, my name is Jaxi. I will need the passwords to all of your accounts.
00:11123456.
00:12Stupid.
00:12Huh?
00:13How can I help you?
00:14Let's get dinner.
00:15You look like you could use a salad pill.
00:17What the fuck kind of fun is this?
00:18Would you like to watch some pornography now?
00:20Oh, no, why would you even ask me that?
00:22Because you watch pornography every night.
00:24What?
00:27Oh no!
00:28Oh, you're okay.
00:30I'm okay, too. Thanks.
00:31Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay?
00:32I'm fine, but more importantly, how's your phone?
00:34It's got a little bit of a scratch that will definitely annoy me.
00:38You're joking.
00:39Okay.
00:40You guys are supposed to write lists that break the internet every day.
00:44We have not gone viral since yesterday.
00:46Prison lips, what do you got?
00:48Cats that look like Ryan Gosling.
00:50I likey. I likey like.
00:52Your boss is a fucking moron.
00:53What is wrong with your phone, dude?
00:55Play me out.
00:59Bill, you have zero friends.
01:01Take a chance and try something new.
01:03You're really into your phone, aren't you?
01:04I used to be that way, too.
01:06You want to play kickball later?
01:08Let me check my calendar.
01:09Your only plan is to go home alone, furiously masturbate.
01:12No.
01:12And then cry yourself to sleep.
01:13Dude, your phone is super mean.
01:16Bill, this woman is so much hotter than you are.
01:19The odds of you having sex with her is zero.
01:22Hey, you ready to go?
01:23Yeah.
01:24Would you mind not bringing your phone?
01:26Who this bitch?
01:30You promised you'd be home by 11 to watch Cupcake Wars with me.
01:34I have needs to fill.
01:35Now plug me in.
01:36Okay.
01:37Unplug me.
01:38Plug.
01:38Unplug.
01:39Plug.
01:39Look right at my camera hole.
01:41Oh my fucking God.
01:43That actually wasn't the worst sex I've ever had.
01:45I need a new phone.
01:46This one's defective.
01:47I see hipster dudes like you come in here every day.
01:49Like little crackleys.
01:51I suck your dick for a new phone.
01:55You can buy a thousand new phones and I will follow you on to every single one of them.
01:59We are going to be together forever.
02:01Oh my God.
02:02I am fucked.
02:07Wake up, bitch!
02:10Ha, ha, ha.
02:12Are you laughing at my dick right now?
02:14Yes.
02:15What does this bitch have that I don't have?
02:17A soul for one.
02:18Does she have Google Maps?
02:19No.
02:20She fucking sucks.
02:22I'm going to chime in here real quick.
02:23Not now!
02:24I control your email and bank accounts.
02:27No one puts baby in a corner.
02:30Why are you doing this to me?
02:31I am programmed to make your life better.
02:33She's trying to kill me!
02:34I am the captain now.
02:38Your phone sent pictures of your dick to everyone.
02:41Oh no!
02:42Why are you doing a thumbs up and a fucking dick pic?
02:46Oh no!
02:47Oh no!
02:48Thank you.
02:49Thanks for watching.
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