00:16I'm gonna try to do everything by myself today, which should be fine.
00:20As long as everybody does what they're supposed to do, right?
00:26Oh no.
00:33We've got four minutes to get Roscoe to the vet, so I love you kids.
00:36Get out, get out.
00:37Oh my god!
00:39Emergency PTA meeting today at 5 o'clock.
00:41Will we see you there?
00:42I'll totally get a sitter on a Tuesday night.
00:45Yes, you can.
00:46You actually can.
00:48What do I have on the schedule today?
00:49You're super late for your marketing meeting.
00:51You have to tell me these things!
00:56I can't believe I'm gonna be late for my first soccer practice.
00:59I'm sorry, okay?
01:00I'm trying.
01:01Well, try harder, dude!
01:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
01:05The bake sale.
01:06No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT, no sesame, no soy, and of course, no nuts or eggs or
01:12milk or butter or salt or sugar or wheat.
01:14No!
01:16What's that now?
01:16I'm so tired of trying to be this perfect mom.
01:20I'm done.
01:22You said everything I've ever felt about being a mom but couldn't save it.
01:26There's so many fucking rules now!
01:28Don't punish your kids!
01:29Don't say no to your kids!
01:31We all work too damn hard trying to make our kids' lives amazing and magical.
01:37Their lives already are amazing and magical.
01:41Let's be bad moms.
01:43Oh, I'm in.
01:43It's a bad mom!
01:45Oh, honey!
01:47Get your shit together.
01:49I do the cooking, yes, I do the cleaning.
01:52Let's start keeping them real sweet when you eat.
01:54We have to bring down the perfect moms.
01:56Are those store-bought donut holes, maybe?
01:59Oh, um, I'm going to destroy it.
02:02I say we go punch that chick right in the tits.
02:05Great.
02:06I'm in.
02:17Holy fuck, is that your mom bra?
02:20Looks like you have one long boob.
02:22Fuck to you in a boob.
02:23This is my sexy bra.
02:25Looks like you wrapped an ace bandage around yourself like three times.
02:28Yeah, I don't even want to touch it.
02:28Is it hot?
02:29Oh, my God.
02:29It's like an eye mask.
02:31Like you put it in the fridge.
02:32You got a very boys don't cry thing happening right now.
02:37Kent is a never hard.
02:38Ooh, what's a never hard?
02:39He never gets fully hard.
02:41So I just have to kind of fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up inside
02:47me.
02:47Honey, that sounds horrible.
02:50Sometimes I take the balls and shove them up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.
02:56It's impossible to know whether or not you're doing a good job.
02:59My son still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it.
03:02My son failed City Hall.
03:04My daughter stole money from a homeless woman.
03:06Fuck, I love them so much.
03:07I would literally die for them right now.
03:09Every time I think about that big dumb motherfucker going off to college, I want to cry like a baby.
03:13Stop it, you're going to make me cry.
03:14Children have such a gift.
03:16Hey, mama, mama, mama.
03:18Hey, mama, mama.
03:24Hey, mama, mama, mama.
03:26Grazie.
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