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Royal Cinema House
  • 2 days ago
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Transcript
00:00:15Satan. The Devil. Lucifer. Prince of Darkness. Yen Luang. Belial. Abaddon.
00:00:30Weaselbub. Prince of Darkness.
00:00:41Weaselbub. Belial. Abaddon.
00:00:48Satan. The Devil. Lucifer.
00:00:54The Devil. Lucifer.
00:01:01Good morning.
00:01:05Neil. Huh?
00:01:11What? Too daring?
00:01:13Yeah, not if you're daring people to kick your ass.
00:01:15It's called peacocking, bro.
00:01:17All right? Females are attracted to bright colors.
00:01:20How's it working so far?
00:01:22You know, it's working well.
00:01:24You gotta play to your strengths. Style and charm.
00:01:26All right.
00:01:27You should play to yours.
00:01:28You should bust out those panty-dropping card tricks that you never show anyone.
00:01:31Girls don't like card tricks.
00:01:33Are you kidding?
00:01:35Of course they do.
00:01:36Well, they don't.
00:01:37Yeah, they do.
00:01:38Dude, according to men's health,
00:01:40females are 18% more likely to sleep with a guy if you've seen a card trick.
00:01:44Yeah.
00:01:45Really?
00:01:46Yeah.
00:01:46Yeah.
00:01:47May 2010. Look it up.
00:01:49May 2010.
00:01:49Hey, gorgeous.
00:01:51Gorgeous.
00:01:51Would you like to see a card trick?
00:01:55Sure.
00:01:56All right.
00:01:57Yeah.
00:01:58Pick one and, uh, don't show me.
00:02:03Now, um, tear it up.
00:02:05Okay.
00:02:09I can have that back.
00:02:10Yeah, give it to me.
00:02:17Is this your card?
00:02:20No.
00:02:21Not even close.
00:02:24Check your bra.
00:02:27What?
00:02:29Check your bra.
00:02:36That's amazing.
00:02:37How did you do that?
00:02:39I can't tell you.
00:02:41Coming?
00:02:41Oh, my God.
00:02:42It's working.
00:02:44Listen, I'm having a party at my house next weekend.
00:02:48You should know.
00:02:50That sounds, uh, amazing.
00:02:52But I've got this church thing, so...
00:02:55Church thing.
00:02:57Church thing.
00:02:59No, no, no, no, no.
00:03:00Neil just gets exhausted after a show.
00:03:02You gotta give him a break.
00:03:06What?
00:03:08What the hell was that, man?
00:03:09Church?
00:03:10Let's try to get in her pants.
00:03:12Now, not convert her.
00:03:14No, no, no.
00:03:15You at least touched her boob.
00:03:17I didn't.
00:03:18Well, how did you...
00:03:19It was magic.
00:03:21Are you magically touching a boob right now?
00:03:24Hey, Denise, you just totally felt up Cheryl.
00:03:26Yeah, I know.
00:03:27And so does Kent.
00:03:28He's on a rampage.
00:03:29You better hide your ass.
00:03:30Oh, shit.
00:03:31Oh, shit.
00:03:34Over here.
00:03:35Oh, what?
00:03:37Oh, shit.
00:03:38Oh, shit.
00:03:41Oh, shit.
00:03:49Where's that little shit?
00:03:50Uh, uh, uh, uh, Neil.
00:03:55Neil, yeah.
00:03:56Neil is, uh, you know Neil.
00:03:58You put a card in my girlfriend's bra.
00:04:00I'm gonna tear him in half like a phone book.
00:04:01Open the door or I'll put you through it.
00:04:04Uh, I'm...
00:04:08All right, man, just...
00:04:09Matt.
00:04:14What the fuck are you doing in there?
00:04:17You jacking it?
00:04:18Hey, everyone.
00:04:19Neil's jerking off in the closet.
00:04:21What a fucking gross little perv.
00:04:24Leave him alone, asshole.
00:04:26Go.
00:04:28Let's let him finish.
00:04:48I don't know.
00:04:49Wouldn't you rather be sleeping in on the weekends?
00:04:51I mean, an hour a week and it makes her parents happy.
00:04:53I fucking hate church so lame.
00:04:56Come on.
00:04:57Put your robe on.
00:04:58Wait.
00:05:00In nomine satanus.
00:05:03Hail Satan.
00:05:04Hail Satan.
00:05:05Hail Satan.
00:05:07And thank you, Satan.
00:05:19Brothers and sisters, as the celebration of Astaroth approaches, it is time to ask ourselves, why do we worship Satan?
00:05:29Is it for the power he has promised us?
00:05:32Is it to be on the winning side at the final battle of Armageddon?
00:05:37The worship of Satan allows us to eat freely from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
00:05:44It gives us the freedom to indulge our senses in the pleasures of earth, heaven, and hell.
00:05:57Jesus Christ.
00:05:59Blasphemy.
00:05:59If we could have everybody's undivided attention, thank you.
00:06:08Where was I?
00:06:10Side of truth.
00:06:11Oh, yes.
00:06:12Brothers and sisters, the worship of Satan is all of these things.
00:06:17But most of all, it is to be on the side of truth.
00:06:22Let the scales fall from your eyes.
00:06:25For God is the deceiver, and Satan is the salvation.
00:06:33Soon, we will perform the celebration of Astaroth.
00:06:38Our young brother Neil will give himself over completely to our Lord to foil the accursed forces of heaven.
00:06:48Hail Satan.
00:06:50Hail Satan.
00:06:52Bring forth the offering.
00:07:03Lord, please accept this humble sacrifice.
00:07:07I would totally trade places with that coat right now.
00:07:09Token of our fate.
00:07:11Just keep watching.
00:07:14Enomine sacanis!
00:07:19And remember, this Wednesday, we're having a bake sale to raise money for our bowling team, and also, the star
00:07:27of our upcoming celebration of Astaroth ceremony, Neil, is working so hard to prepare.
00:07:33Let's show him our support.
00:07:35Oh, yeah.
00:07:37Oh, yeah.
00:07:41Hey, um, so this talking during church thing, uh, pretty fun, is it?
00:07:46Well, I did, Dad, okay?
00:07:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:07:49You know what?
00:07:50I can actually see how joking and laughing and embarrassing your family, you know, instead of paying attention to the
00:07:55sermon could be a little entertaining.
00:07:57Matt totally started it.
00:07:59Okay, it's always Matt's fault, huh?
00:08:00Yes, actually, it is.
00:08:02Are you going to go through the rest of your life, never taking responsibility for your actions, huh?
00:08:07Yeah.
00:08:08Oh, really?
00:08:12Sheldon, hi.
00:08:14Uh, we were just talking about how sorry we are for that interruption during the sermon.
00:08:18I should certainly hope so.
00:08:21You understand that next time it's quite a different story?
00:08:26Yes, sir.
00:08:27How are the preparations going?
00:08:29Oh, he's ready.
00:08:31In fact, uh, why don't you recite for them the names of our Lord?
00:08:35Yes.
00:08:36Do tell.
00:08:40Tell us.
00:08:42Lucifer.
00:08:43Baphomet.
00:08:44Beelzebub.
00:08:47That's Beelzebub.
00:08:49Beelzebub.
00:08:50Uh, uh, Belial, Abaddon.
00:08:56There are over 40 of them, you know.
00:08:58You should take time to learn them.
00:09:02There are such fabulous things in store for you.
00:09:10Can I go?
00:09:12Hmm.
00:09:17We're all very excited for the ceremony.
00:09:22So am I.
00:09:24It should be fun.
00:09:25Mm-hmm.
00:09:31So you've kept him chaste?
00:09:34Oh, that problem kind of took care of itself.
00:09:37You know, I never got into trouble until your family joined this church.
00:09:41Yeah, you never had any fun either.
00:09:43Did you?
00:09:43Get off me.
00:09:43Get off me.
00:09:43Get here.
00:09:44Huh?
00:09:48You know, I still just don't understand this whole oath business.
00:09:52Like, they made you lock up your dick while they're all getting it on.
00:09:55That doesn't make any sense.
00:09:57Not fucking fair.
00:09:58They're stealing the greatest part of your youth.
00:10:00The hot, steamy, sexual part.
00:10:03Why would you agree with something like that?
00:10:06I'm not getting late because I'm not allowed to.
00:10:08What's your excuse?
00:10:09Oh, I see.
00:10:10I see.
00:10:10So you're scared, huh?
00:10:12I'm not scared.
00:10:13No, no.
00:10:14You got a little case of the vagophobia?
00:10:15I don't have a vagophobia.
00:10:16Seriously, though, you just gotta figure this shit out, man, before it's too late.
00:10:20Hey, Dad.
00:10:21I mean, because really, Neil, what we should be doing is tripping over each other's dicks to
00:10:25see who could bag the most babes.
00:10:27You know?
00:10:28Fuck something.
00:10:30Anything.
00:10:32That kid's got problems.
00:10:34Yeah, and that problem is you.
00:10:36Come on, Neil.
00:10:38We just wanted to make sure that both of you were spiritually prepared for what's going
00:10:41to happen.
00:10:42Of course.
00:10:44It's a great honor.
00:10:46It will all be over very quickly, right?
00:10:49Well, just as quick as I can make it, my dear.
00:10:52I can assure you that...
00:10:54That the dagger plunges into the flesh swiftly, smoothly.
00:10:58That sounds so painful.
00:10:59No, no, no, no.
00:11:01He'll feel a little pinched, but for no more than an instant.
00:11:04So, no pain?
00:11:06No, there will be pain.
00:11:07Extreme pain.
00:11:08And blood.
00:11:10Lots and lots of it.
00:11:12I'm so sorry.
00:11:14As I was saying, this whole process is not only painless, but euphoric.
00:11:19I have a crazy idea.
00:11:23Why don't we just sit him down and explain everything to him?
00:11:28That way he'll be prepared.
00:11:30What are you going to tell him, okay?
00:11:32That his best friend is going to have to mop him up after the ceremony?
00:11:35No.
00:11:36Shelley, come on.
00:11:37He'll accept it.
00:11:39He loves Satan.
00:11:41Sheldon, I'm so sorry.
00:11:42No, no, no, no.
00:11:43Please, please.
00:11:44Okay.
00:11:44There's no reason to confuse the little fellow.
00:11:50We don't have time for second thoughts.
00:11:53If we don't perform the ritual on the equinox of his 18th year,
00:11:58Jesus Christ will return and usher in a thousand years of peace on earth.
00:12:05Is that what you want?
00:12:07No.
00:12:10I didn't think so.
00:12:14So my advice to you is to put your misgivings aside and focus on the positive.
00:12:28Eat some cake.
00:12:29Yeah, you should be enjoying your big night.
00:12:31Want some ice cream on that?
00:12:32You should be eating like there's no tomorrow.
00:12:36It's a clown, Dad.
00:12:37I'm 18.
00:12:38Why don't you tell us what's wrong?
00:12:42Is it a girl?
00:12:44No.
00:12:50Actually, yeah, kind of.
00:12:54Huh?
00:12:58Something happened.
00:13:00I'm not going to bore you with the details.
00:13:03You're going to look me in the eye and you're going to answer me truthfully.
00:13:06Was there any physical contact?
00:13:08No.
00:13:09So there was no intercourse?
00:13:11Intercourse?
00:13:12No.
00:13:13And no oral?
00:13:14Giving or receiving?
00:13:16No.
00:13:17What about anal?
00:13:18Jesus, Mom.
00:13:19Answer your mother.
00:13:20Was there anal?
00:13:21No.
00:13:21Okay, look.
00:13:23Something happened that will ensure I will never get laid in my whole life.
00:13:28Son, look.
00:13:29You know you can talk to me about anything.
00:13:31I didn't break my stupid oath.
00:13:33All right?
00:13:37Okay, then.
00:13:39Your oath isn't stupid, honey.
00:13:42It's the whole reason you were born.
00:13:45We were your age when I conceived, and we just didn't know what to do.
00:13:50But Sheldon told us that you had a special purpose.
00:13:56Look, I'm sure you're going through some pretty depressing teenage stuff right now.
00:14:00Been there, done that.
00:14:02Even I had a stupid haircut once, didn't I?
00:14:06But you are representing our family and our church.
00:14:10When it is all over, you will have a fuller understanding of what it is all about.
00:14:15You're going to take a leak.
00:14:22Gary, we need to tell him.
00:14:25You know how you hate surprises.
00:14:27If we just explain it to him...
00:14:28Absolutely not.
00:14:30He'll cause a scene.
00:14:31Crying and kicking and screaming.
00:14:33Do you want other people to see that?
00:14:35Look, you heard him, okay?
00:14:37He has suffered enough humiliation.
00:14:39Trust me.
00:14:41We did not choose Neil's destiny.
00:14:46He did.
00:15:03I want you to know that it won't just be Neil who will be rewarded for his sacrifice.
00:15:10To a new era.
00:15:12To a new era.
00:15:19It's almost sundown, dear.
00:15:21Oh.
00:15:22Would you kindly excuse us?
00:15:24Of course.
00:15:32Evening.
00:15:40Lucifer, Baphomet, Elio, Abeddon, Miesel, Bob, Baal, Baal, Baal.
00:15:46I am so proud of you.
00:15:49Thanks.
00:15:51You've been such a good son.
00:16:11Where he is, buddy?
00:16:13Huh?
00:16:14Man of the hour.
00:16:16Listen, I heard that after the confirmation, you get to bone any woman you want from within
00:16:21the congregation.
00:16:23If you were me, I'd go for Colette and make her boyfriend fucking watch.
00:16:26Don't embarrass me.
00:16:28Pfft.
00:16:29Do I ever?
00:16:31Okay, everybody.
00:16:33Time to get started.
00:16:53Are you excited?
00:17:04Brothers and sisters, we are gathered together for an ancient ceremony, momentous and beautiful.
00:17:12Before we begin, please turn off your cell phones and all other electronic devices.
00:17:2518 years ago, our Lord chose this young man to join him in battle against the great deceiver.
00:17:34Father, his spirit, will join with the Father on this night.
00:17:39We now ask young Neal to lay his earthly vessel upon our altar.
00:17:48Handmaidens of our Lord.
00:18:03Dude, I think they're going to fuck you right here in front of everyone.
00:18:13Now the time approaches to release his spirit into the arms of our Father.
00:18:20When upon his soul, we'll join our King for all eternity.
00:18:28The sacrificial lamb will stand with Lucifer in Hades.
00:18:35Oh, sacrificial lamb.
00:18:37It's a metaphor.
00:18:38As we tear the virgin's flesh asunder so that the blood may spill forth in holy offering.
00:18:45Satanus.
00:18:47Innominated Satanus.
00:18:49Oh.
00:18:50Shhh.
00:18:51Innominated Satanus.
00:18:54Dude.
00:18:56Innominated Satanus.
00:18:58Innominated Satanus.
00:18:59Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:18:59What the?
00:19:01Innominated Satanus.
00:19:03Satanus.
00:19:03Satanus.
00:19:05Neil, Neil.
00:19:06Hey.
00:19:06Neil.
00:19:08Oh, Tim.
00:19:09Neil.
00:19:13Get back here.
00:19:15Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:19:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:19:18Hold it.
00:19:19Hold it.
00:19:19Okay, that's good work.
00:19:20Okay.
00:19:21Oh, damn.
00:19:22Come on.
00:19:23Ah.
00:19:24Ah.
00:19:32Oh, fuck.
00:19:34God.
00:19:34God.
00:19:35God.
00:19:35God.
00:19:36God.
00:19:37God.
00:19:39God.
00:19:39God.
00:19:45God.
00:19:47God.
00:19:47God.
00:19:47God.
00:19:47God.
00:19:48God.
00:19:49God.
00:19:50God.
00:19:50God.
00:19:51God.
00:19:51God.
00:19:51God.
00:19:51God.
00:19:52God.
00:19:54God.
00:19:55God.
00:19:58God.
00:19:59I'm so sorry, Sheldon. I mean, what can I say?
00:20:03You can say nothing.
00:20:07Get that.
00:20:08Yeah.
00:20:09Hello?
00:20:10We have until sunrise, or the window will close.
00:20:12If we fail, his wrath will fall on us all.
00:20:17No, that won't happen.
00:20:19I'll go get him. He'll be back on that altar in no time.
00:20:22No.
00:20:24You stay right here.
00:20:26Take these two with you, and fetch them back.
00:20:30We need a soft touch to lure them back.
00:20:35You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Colette?
00:20:39I think so.
00:20:40Good girl. Now go.
00:20:46And remember, as always, to keep a low profile.
00:20:54And you, if they don't return, consider yourself excommunicated, and you will never see the gates of hell.
00:21:10Matt!
00:21:12Matt!
00:21:14What the fuck you doing?
00:21:16Matt, what the fuck, man?
00:21:17You can't take that. That's my family's Mexico money for this stuff.
00:21:20Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
00:21:21Why don't you enjoy your lovely time in Acapulco, and don't forget to send me a postcard before they murder
00:21:26you?
00:21:28Dude, look, my dad, my dad's an asshole, too, okay?
00:21:33I know.
00:21:36Oh, fuck me.
00:21:38I'm calling the cops.
00:21:39What? Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
00:21:41Dude, don't do that.
00:21:41Look, all right, my dad's a cop, and half the force goes to her church.
00:21:45Police, please.
00:21:46Me?
00:21:47Hello?
00:21:48Hey, it's Matt, Paul's kid.
00:21:50My dad's gone rogue.
00:21:52Matt, where are you?
00:21:53I'm at my friend Neil's house.
00:21:54Is Neil with you?
00:21:55Stay where you are. We'll send somebody right now.
00:21:57Who are you sending?
00:21:58Just stay where you are, Matt.
00:21:59Oh, shit. Fuck, we gotta go.
00:22:04This sucks.
00:22:05All right, we could be at Cheryl's party right now, totally enjoying the all-you-can-eat vagina buffet, or
00:22:11muffet, if you will.
00:22:13Wait, this all happened because you're a virgin, right?
00:22:17So, so, so we get you laid, and problem solved.
00:22:22Oh, I got it.
00:22:24Who are you calling?
00:22:25But stop, stop, stop calling people, okay?
00:22:28What?
00:22:29Denise!
00:22:30A friend of ours.
00:22:31Oh, that's brilliant.
00:22:32Come on.
00:22:32Oh, I mean, we give a ride all the time.
00:22:40Come on.
00:22:41Come on.
00:22:42Come on.
00:22:56Neil?
00:23:01Matty?
00:23:04You guys here?
00:23:05Come on out.
00:23:34You're over-thinking this, man.
00:23:36She's my friend, all right?
00:23:37I just, I just don't want her to feel like she's being used.
00:23:39She's not being used.
00:23:41She's saving your life.
00:23:42I know.
00:23:42She's saving my life.
00:23:43Exactly.
00:23:44That's why I'm just gonna tell her the truth, all right?
00:23:46Denise is super cool, man.
00:23:48She'll, she'll totally get it.
00:23:49No, that's sweet, okay?
00:23:50But women don't really respond well to the truth, okay?
00:23:53It's like, they like mystery.
00:23:55It's like your magic.
00:23:56If you told them how you did the magic, you lose the magic, right?
00:24:00Ask me how big my dick is.
00:24:02What?
00:24:02Why would I ask you that?
00:24:04Besides, I've seen it.
00:24:05Looks like a toe.
00:24:06Just bear with me, okay?
00:24:07Just, just ask.
00:24:10How big is your dick?
00:24:13Well, I don't really like to talk about it, but, you know, it's nine and a half inches.
00:24:17Okay?
00:24:17See?
00:24:18Now, I'll ask you.
00:24:20How big is your dick?
00:24:21I don't know.
00:24:22I've never measured it.
00:24:23Average?
00:24:23Wrong.
00:24:24Ten inches.
00:24:25Why would I lie?
00:24:26If the lie works, I'm gonna get caught.
00:24:27It doesn't matter.
00:24:28That's the thing.
00:24:29Okay?
00:24:29Once she finds out that it's only five inches, it's already two inches deep.
00:24:34Oh, okay, Matt, you're gonna stay outside, okay?
00:24:37I'm not doing this for a night.
00:24:38It's fine.
00:24:39That's fine.
00:24:41I've washed my hands of this.
00:24:42I just, I'll just, uh, be out here making phone calls.
00:24:51No Cheryl's, huh?
00:24:53Wasn't, wasn't feeling it.
00:24:54Um, can I come in?
00:24:57Yeah, sure, why not?
00:25:03Are your parents home?
00:25:04No.
00:25:07Ugh, I've been stuck on this level for like two days.
00:25:10Is there one more day of this and I'm pillaging the internet for cheat codes?
00:25:13Dude, can you sit down?
00:25:14This is pretty annoying.
00:25:17Okay.
00:25:19Okay, uh, I really need to talk.
00:25:21I really, I really need to talk to you about something.
00:25:24It's kind of a big deal.
00:25:26Okay.
00:25:27Talk.
00:25:28Okay, yeah.
00:25:30Only Denise can this, it's, it's, yeah.
00:25:34Okay.
00:25:35Hey, Amy, it's Matt.
00:25:37Listen, there's some crazy shit going down tonight.
00:25:42Like, end of the world type stuff.
00:25:45So, Cheryl's party might be your last chance to get with me.
00:25:48All right?
00:25:49Hollaback.
00:25:50Mwah.
00:25:51Hey, you know how much I respect you.
00:25:53Yeah.
00:25:53So much.
00:25:55Yeah, okay.
00:25:56Okay.
00:25:57Um, I, uh, I think you're awesome.
00:26:01I think you're kind of a dork.
00:26:04Oh, what I'm about to ask, I could never ask anybody else.
00:26:12Okay, drama queen.
00:26:14I need, I just need you to say that you will do this one thing for me.
00:26:18And I promise I will never ask you for anything ever again as long as I live.
00:26:23Which might not be for long.
00:26:25Let's hear it.
00:26:28I need you to have sex with me tonight.
00:26:31If you don't, I'm gonna die.
00:26:35I just, I just need to put it in.
00:26:38It doesn't have to be anything special.
00:26:39I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna be doing, but I don't even know the rules.
00:26:43I don't, I don't know.
00:26:43What the fuck, Neil?
00:26:50There's some crazy shit in Long Town tonight.
00:26:52Like, end of the world type stuff.
00:26:54So, Cheryl's party might be your last chance to get with me.
00:26:57So, you, hollow back.
00:26:59Emily, I would never even think of doing anything remotely sexual with you, but, but I'm really fucking desperate.
00:27:05I just need you to just let me just fuck.
00:27:08Like, just, it can, no, no, no meaning to it.
00:27:11Just the tip.
00:27:12Anything that'll work.
00:27:13Oh, keep going, lover boy.
00:27:14Really, my panties are dripping, I swear.
00:27:15I, I, I...
00:27:16There.
00:27:17There.
00:27:18Oh, fuck.
00:27:20Oh.
00:27:20Okay.
00:27:21Denise.
00:27:21Yeah, let's do it.
00:27:23Really, the sheer balls of it is impressive.
00:27:24I swear I'm not fucking with you, okay?
00:27:26You know the church my family belongs to.
00:27:28It's kind of different.
00:27:29Well, they just tried to sacrifice me because I'm a virgin.
00:27:33What?
00:27:34I'd rather have sex.
00:27:36Yeah, I know what a fucking virgin is, but what the fuck are you talking about?
00:27:40Unless I lose my virginity tonight, they're gonna sacrifice my ass.
00:27:44Just say they're here.
00:27:46Come on.
00:27:47Oh, my God.
00:27:49Neil.
00:27:50Denise, it's not fucking funny.
00:27:52Oh, come on.
00:27:56Listen, I need to know if this is gonna happen, or I really gotta run.
00:28:00Neil, I don't know what the fuck you're on, but you're being a real asshole right now.
00:28:03I'm gonna get the guard.
00:28:05Oh, fuck.
00:28:09Yeah?
00:28:10Hey, oh, my God.
00:28:12This is so annoying.
00:28:13But you wouldn't happen to have seen Neil.
00:28:15No.
00:28:17Well, we were all just hanging out at the mall, you know?
00:28:19Listening to CDs.
00:28:21And, uh, he just ran off.
00:28:23We think he might be losing his mind.
00:28:25We were just really worried, so...
00:28:27Well, he was babbling nonsense.
00:28:30So you saw him?
00:28:33Yeah.
00:28:34Do you want to maybe tell us where he went?
00:28:36Sorry, who are you guys?
00:28:37Well, hi.
00:28:39I'm Brad.
00:28:40And it would be really helpful if you could help us find me.
00:28:46All right, uh, yeah, come in.
00:28:52How'd they know we were here?
00:28:54I don't know.
00:28:55Fucked!
00:28:56Oh, shit, shit, shit.
00:28:57Oh, oh!
00:28:58Oh, shit.
00:28:58These pants are too tight.
00:28:59Okay.
00:29:00Oh, my God!
00:29:01Come on.
00:29:01Come on.
00:29:02I gotcha.
00:29:03Let's go.
00:29:04No!
00:29:04So it's just down this street here.
00:29:06Oh, but it's a one-way, so, uh, you should just go around via Oak.
00:29:10And Cheryl's house should just be right there.
00:29:18You've been incredibly helpful.
00:29:21Yeah, how do you guys know Neil again?
00:29:23From a church.
00:29:24What church is that?
00:29:25You've never heard of it.
00:29:27We worship Satan.
00:29:39Fuck.
00:29:43Dude, you have nothing to lose.
00:29:46No.
00:29:48Humiliation is worse than death.
00:29:50You've never walked into a room where everybody's seen you wearing jizz.
00:29:54Ah, yes, I have.
00:29:58I can't do it.
00:29:59I choose death.
00:30:00What?
00:30:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:30:02Wait, wait, wait, okay?
00:30:03Your parents almost killing you tonight?
00:30:05That's the best thing that could have happened to you.
00:30:06They'd lit a fire under your ass to go out there, grab life by the ears,
00:30:10and make sweet, sweet love to his mouth.
00:30:15Fuck, you're a selfish prick.
00:30:16You know that?
00:30:19How am I selfish?
00:30:20Because this is your last chance, Neil.
00:30:23If you don't go in there and bust your hymen, then you're a dead man.
00:30:26And then that's on my head, and I can't live with that shit, so fuck you.
00:30:33I wouldn't want me dying to be a source of guilt for you or anything.
00:30:38Yes.
00:30:49See?
00:30:50Not so bad, huh?
00:30:52Uh, shit.
00:30:54Uh, let's get you a beer this way.
00:30:57Ladies, you guys know Neil, right?
00:31:00Hey.
00:31:01Oh, can I get a noise?
00:31:03Here we go, here we go.
00:31:04Ready?
00:31:05Beer pong, baby.
00:31:06Oh, okay.
00:31:11Neil.
00:31:12Wait, Neil.
00:31:13Neil?
00:31:14Hey, look, everybody.
00:31:17It's the man himself.
00:31:18Let's all do the fucking Neil.
00:31:30Dude, hey.
00:31:35Oh, my God.
00:31:36That was the worst thing I've ever seen happen to anybody.
00:31:39You need a shot.
00:31:46Hitting bottom.
00:31:48Nowhere to go but up.
00:31:49Don't worry.
00:31:52Ooh.
00:31:53Ooh, that's awful.
00:32:16Who's in there?
00:32:18I think it's that masturbating guy.
00:32:21Hey, man, you jerking off in there?
00:32:22It's theểson rhythm boy.
00:32:27Jump!
00:32:30Jump!
00:32:31Jump!
00:32:31Jump!
00:32:36Jump!
00:32:38Drop, drop, drop!
00:32:58What the fuck do you think you're doing?
00:33:05Behold, the great master, Bader.
00:33:12And I give to you my fabulous phallus of fun.
00:33:18Ooh.
00:33:27Shit.
00:33:31Thank you, thank you.
00:33:33Now I need a volunteer for this next trick.
00:33:36How about, um, you?
00:33:41Fuck that.
00:33:42We gotta bash for one, folks.
00:33:44Let's give him some encouragement.
00:33:46Uh, Ken!
00:33:47Ken!
00:33:48Ken!
00:33:49Ken!
00:33:50Ken!
00:33:50Ken!
00:33:51Ken!
00:33:52Ken!
00:33:53Ken!
00:33:53Ken!
00:33:55Ken!
00:33:56Ken!
00:33:56Ken!
00:33:56Ken!
00:33:57Ken!
00:33:58Ken!
00:34:00Ken!
00:34:04Now, I need complete silence for this next trick.
00:34:08Touch me, and you're a dead man.
00:34:12All right.
00:34:17Pick a card, any card.
00:34:19What?
00:34:21A stupid card trick?
00:34:22Any card at all.
00:34:27Now, show it to the room.
00:34:30You guys get a good look?
00:34:32Yeah.
00:34:33Now, put it back.
00:34:35All right.
00:34:38Ken.
00:34:39Is this your card?
00:34:40No.
00:34:42Fuck no.
00:34:43Is this his card?
00:34:45No.
00:34:46Oh.
00:34:48Hmm.
00:34:49Check your pants.
00:34:51Check my what?
00:34:52Your pants.
00:34:56Fuck!
00:34:57Fuck!
00:34:59Fuck!
00:35:00Fuck!
00:35:02Fuck!
00:35:04Fuck!
00:35:11That was, uh, that was pretty awesome.
00:35:15Yeah.
00:35:15Hey, do you wanna see another one?
00:35:18Maybe.
00:35:48Why?
00:35:49Oh, fuck!
00:35:54Oh!
00:35:56Oh, fuck!
00:36:07Just...
00:36:07It's really pretty.
00:36:09Thanks.
00:36:12Take the back of the knee, right?
00:36:14It's surprisingly sensitive.
00:36:16It can't always be about the clitoris.
00:36:19Oh, hey, you go to my church.
00:36:22Oh, that's right.
00:36:22It is so good to see you.
00:36:24It is good to see you.
00:36:26So, where's Neil?
00:36:28Neil?
00:36:29Neil's amazing.
00:36:30My mom, right?
00:36:31Where is he?
00:36:32No, no, no, no.
00:36:33I'm not telling you.
00:36:35You?
00:36:35I'm not going to tell.
00:36:37Please, tell me.
00:36:39Please, please, tell me.
00:36:43You smell like cinnamon.
00:36:46Okay, okay, I'll tell you, okay.
00:36:48But you're a little late, because he's already...
00:37:01So, what are you into?
00:37:03Besides magic, I like video games.
00:37:06I kind of like the retro stuff, because it's more about the game.
00:37:11I meant, like, in bed.
00:37:16Uh...
00:37:17But you want to fuck me, don't you?
00:37:20That would be super helpful.
00:37:25Yeah.
00:37:26Yeah, I mean, yes.
00:37:27Okay.
00:37:33Neil?
00:37:36Neil?
00:37:37Neil, are you up here?
00:37:42Are you ready?
00:37:43I think so.
00:37:45Oh, you feel ready?
00:37:46I feel ready.
00:37:48Look!
00:37:49Fuck.
00:37:51This is not what it looks like.
00:37:53Cheryl?
00:37:53Billy?
00:37:54Oh.
00:37:55I asked you first.
00:37:57You know, I just came to warn you that these people from your church are coming.
00:38:00Oh, can we still do this?
00:38:02You're kidding, right?
00:38:10Oh, shit.
00:38:12Fuck.
00:38:12Do something.
00:38:15Fuck.
00:38:25That was close.
00:38:28Let's go.
00:38:30I'll stay here and buy you some time.
00:38:32Denise, it's not safe.
00:38:33They're not after me, okay?
00:38:34We'll catch you later and see what happens.
00:38:36So you believe me now?
00:38:38Yes, I believe you're being hunted by a satanic cult.
00:38:41A cult.
00:38:47Did you see Neil?
00:38:48Jesus.
00:38:49Is every girl at this party trying to get with him?
00:38:51Where is he?
00:38:53Hey.
00:38:54Hey.
00:38:56Hey.
00:39:07You know, I was wondering where all the hot balls were.
00:39:12What are you doing here?
00:39:20Matt, come on.
00:39:21We have to go.
00:39:21What?
00:39:22We have to go.
00:39:24Get up.
00:39:24Wait, wait, wait.
00:39:25Do you want to puke in my teeth?
00:39:27Where's your friend?
00:39:28Who?
00:39:28Neil?
00:39:29Uh, did you drive upstairs?
00:39:32Yeah.
00:39:38Oh, I just got to sleep.
00:39:40Oh.
00:39:41Oh.
00:39:42Ow.
00:39:43Dude.
00:39:44Oh, the keys.
00:39:45You gotta go, man.
00:39:47All right.
00:39:47I got the key.
00:39:49You're all smiling.
00:39:54Um, hey, guys.
00:39:55Where are you going?
00:39:57Not stealing your car.
00:39:59No.
00:40:00We're borrowing.
00:40:01Ah.
00:40:02Ah, ha, ha, ha.
00:40:07No.
00:40:07That's it.
00:40:08That's it for you, right?
00:40:10All right.
00:40:11Oh.
00:40:14Oh, hey.
00:40:15So, this church, is it anything like regular church or something?
00:40:18No.
00:40:19Sea-sac ops.
00:40:20Oh, okay.
00:40:21So, you're altar boys and molester priests.
00:40:24I don't really know.
00:40:29Oh.
00:40:30Okay.
00:40:31There.
00:40:33You better drive.
00:40:34We gotta be responsible here.
00:40:39Ah.
00:40:39Ah.
00:40:40Ah.
00:40:40I'm gonna hurt you.
00:40:42Go, go, go, go.
00:40:43Get out of the goddamn car.
00:40:45Go, go, go, go, go.
00:40:46Come on.
00:40:51Get the truck.
00:40:54Put her in the car.
00:40:56Yeah.
00:41:03How the fuck did they find us?
00:41:05I'll tell you how.
00:41:06Your friend without benefits sold us out.
00:41:10Denise, no fucking way, man.
00:41:11She helped us escape, dude.
00:41:13Ah, barely.
00:41:14You don't know what you're talking about.
00:41:15How about your dad?
00:41:16The cop.
00:41:17I bet you 50 bucks he's got some kind of tracking chip implanted into your nutsack.
00:41:22Listen, there are satanists all over this town.
00:41:24It could be anyone, okay?
00:41:26It could be, you know, the fucking taxi drivers, waitresses, cops, hobos, fucking baristas, dog
00:41:33groomers, fucking vegans, fucking hipsters, man.
00:41:37You're right.
00:41:38You're right.
00:41:39We gotta keep our eyes peeled.
00:41:40Bottom line, the only people we can trust are each other, okay?
00:41:45Wait.
00:41:47What if you just lied?
00:41:49How would they know?
00:41:50They will know.
00:41:51My mom's a bloodhound for bullshit.
00:41:53A self-respecting teenager doesn't know how to lie to his own mother.
00:41:57She can smell it on my breath.
00:42:00Oh, fuck.
00:42:02Fuck.
00:42:03What?
00:42:03What?
00:42:04Fuck!
00:42:06What's wrong?
00:42:08We are out of gas.
00:42:15Maybe the satanists will be too scared to follow us here.
00:42:27It's one of those prepaid deals.
00:42:29I got it.
00:42:36Hi.
00:42:37Fifty bucks on pump two.
00:42:44Let the scales fall from your eyes.
00:42:48For God is the deceiver, and Satan is the salvation.
00:42:54I got it.
00:42:55Sheldon told us that you had a special purpose.
00:43:08What?
00:43:10You couldn't pay for it.
00:43:16yo dude
00:43:17what the fuck is all that
00:43:20provisions in case we have to go into hiding
00:43:22yeah hiding about that
00:43:24i've been thinking
00:43:25hiding might not be the best idea i mean
00:43:27okay come on no no no
00:43:29get in the car this might sound a little fucked up
00:43:31but if any of this shit is real then
00:43:34getting me laid
00:43:35might actually save the world
00:43:40get in the car
00:43:40come on
00:43:41what i'm kind of serious
00:43:44i know you're serious that's why this is so fucking insane man
00:43:47it's like delusions of grandeur
00:43:49they tried to kill me if this shit is real
00:43:51nobody is safe you get that right
00:43:53dude there's no hell
00:43:55there's no satan or any of that shit
00:43:57i mean your parents my parents
00:43:59sheldon mary they're all just brainwashed lunatics
00:44:02dude the sooner you realize that
00:44:04the freer you'll be come on dude look at me
00:44:07i'm just
00:44:07living in the moment having a fucking blast
00:44:10enjoying not one but two flavors of beef jerky
00:44:13no big deal
00:44:14because i know
00:44:16the end of the day the only asshole who's judging me is me
00:44:20you know why i'm i'm here right
00:44:22because i'm your only friend
00:44:25yes that and because i want to be there for the first
00:44:28moment that your dick tastes vaginal glory
00:44:33you want to watch me have sex
00:44:34no no dude i i just i just want to see you be happy
00:44:38come on man
00:44:40be happy
00:44:41you just want to live vicariously through me because you're not
00:44:45not what
00:44:47nothing
00:44:49never mind i didn't say that
00:44:51oh
00:44:52because i'm not
00:44:54cool enough
00:44:55for you because i'm just your
00:44:57your jack-along friend right
00:44:59and now all of a sudden that you're mr popular you can't hang out with a loser like me
00:45:02did i
00:45:03did i say that
00:45:04please
00:45:05neil
00:45:06be my friend
00:45:06here take my jerky
00:45:08how much for a sleepover
00:45:09whoa whoa you want to hang out now huh take everything
00:45:12stop everything i have
00:45:13stop
00:45:14stop
00:45:16whoa
00:45:17what i can't believe i'm i'm even suggesting this
00:45:21what
00:45:24what prostitutes
00:45:27prostitutes
00:45:28prostitutes
00:45:31prostitutes
00:45:33prostitutes
00:45:34fuck yeah man
00:45:45all right
00:45:47keep looking
00:45:51it does not look good i'm afraid
00:45:54he'll show up sheldon
00:45:56trust me
00:45:57oh you don't have to fear me gary
00:45:59i'm on your side
00:46:01what you need to fear
00:46:03what we all need to fear
00:46:05is our lord below
00:46:07i'm million
00:46:09instrument of his wrath
00:46:13what sheldon is trying to say
00:46:15is that
00:46:15yes mary
00:46:17explain to them
00:46:18what i'm trying to say
00:46:21what sheldon is trying
00:46:23to say
00:46:25is that if neil doesn't show up
00:46:27we're going to need to find some kind of
00:46:29replacement offering
00:46:30thank you for clarifying my dear
00:46:36oh
00:46:47oh this is sad
00:46:49we should be helping these women not exploiting them
00:46:52hey hey hey this was this was your idea
00:46:55i know i just i thought it would be less tragic somehow
00:46:59stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop
00:47:01stop
00:47:03hey uh you looking to make some real cash money and get serviced by a couple of barely legal studs
00:47:14both you looking no yes yes how much
00:47:21that depends on what you want
00:47:23uh i i just really need to lose my virginity tonight so
00:47:37yeah i can help you out
00:47:40but not here
00:47:43meet me there
00:47:43and ask for ashley
00:47:45uh
00:48:00is it yeah yeah
00:48:01yeah
00:48:06can i help you
00:48:09is this the house of ill repute
00:48:13you don't have to whisper
00:48:15oh
00:48:16oh okay
00:48:18i'd like one prostitute please
00:48:21all right
00:48:22what were you looking for exactly
00:48:24i'd like a good personality
00:48:26i'd like a cute laugh
00:48:29and boobs
00:48:30they all have boobs
00:48:32we'll take ashley
00:48:33great
00:48:35great
00:48:36yeah
00:48:37go with that
00:48:38great
00:48:38have a seat
00:48:44things got red eyes
00:48:54you come with me
00:48:56you sit tight
00:48:57oh
00:48:57no
00:48:58no no no
00:48:59see the thing
00:49:00wait
00:49:00do you want to do this
00:49:02yes
00:49:03yes
00:49:04please
00:49:04yes please
00:49:05and he goes first
00:49:08whoa
00:49:09whoa
00:49:10uh
00:49:10uh
00:49:11wait ashley
00:49:12uh
00:49:12baby
00:49:13look
00:49:14i uh
00:49:15cannot wait to get with you
00:49:17and i'm so flattered that you feel the same way
00:49:20but um
00:49:21but he really should go first
00:49:24yeah
00:49:27i really need to go first
00:49:33matt
00:49:34come on
00:49:36well
00:49:36neil
00:49:37uh matt
00:49:38i don't know man
00:49:39i don't know man
00:49:55so
00:49:56what's your deal
00:49:57uh
00:49:59well i uh
00:50:01i think i like to start off with a hand job
00:50:06and uh
00:50:06and then
00:50:07you know
00:50:08work my way up to a blow job
00:50:11and then finish off with a vagina job
00:50:15okay
00:50:16yeah
00:50:17uh
00:50:18cool
00:50:19uh
00:50:19and the same
00:50:20exact same goes for my friend out there
00:50:22i really
00:50:24can't trust enough how important it is that he gets a proper
00:50:27vagina job
00:50:29well how much money do you got
00:50:31oh
00:50:32yes
00:50:34currency
00:51:07so uh
00:51:09how'd you get into prostituting
00:51:12so i i mean you must have some
00:51:14some uh
00:51:15wild stories
00:51:18not really
00:51:18oh
00:51:19no
00:51:20you
00:51:21you uh
00:51:22i mean you mean any crazy characters at least
00:51:24or
00:51:24i guess
00:51:26uh
00:51:26uh
00:51:27uh
00:51:27what's the uh
00:51:29uh
00:51:29weirdest thing that anyone's ever asked you to do
00:51:33this one guy pays me to poop on his dog
00:51:37oh
00:51:39uh
00:51:42what kind of dog
00:51:43i don't know
00:51:44the brown one
00:51:50can i see your boobs at least
00:51:53shhh
00:52:02what if i told you this was my first time
00:52:06just don't cry
00:52:07i'm done
00:52:08i'm done
00:52:08i'm done
00:52:11good
00:52:11good
00:52:30what happened to talk to you buddy
00:52:31oh man
00:52:32oh man
00:52:33was it awesome
00:52:33uh
00:52:34i just
00:52:36i mean
00:52:38not only was the sex amazing
00:52:40but
00:52:41oh
00:52:42but you know i think that the um that the best part was um
00:52:46was that ashley and i really connected
00:52:49you know
00:52:49really
00:52:50yeah
00:52:52wow
00:52:53wow
00:52:54okay
00:52:57so where is she
00:52:59ashley
00:52:59oh uh
00:53:00poor thing's exhausted
00:53:01you know i really gave it to her
00:53:03in there
00:53:03but but don't worry
00:53:04you know i'm sure she's got another one in her
00:53:06just just don't be mad at me if she still has mad on the mind
00:53:11i'm gonna have sex
00:53:12you're gonna have sex
00:53:14and i'm not gonna die
00:53:16and you're not gonna die
00:53:17go in there
00:53:18do it
00:53:20you're ready
00:53:21i'm ready man
00:53:22have a great time
00:53:23thank you
00:53:27i am a fucking
00:53:37ashley
00:53:56hey
00:53:56i think it's my turn
00:54:02you just sit there okay
00:54:05where are you going
00:54:08i'll be right back
00:54:27pat
00:54:28pat
00:54:30pat
00:54:32hey neil
00:54:34we just need to talk to you for a minute
00:54:35everything's okay
00:54:36everything's okay
00:54:37we just need to talk to you for just a second
00:54:39this is the right
00:54:40everybody out
00:54:42open up the police
00:55:06call that
00:55:07you see them
00:55:29oh no
00:55:30oh shit
00:55:32hey get back there
00:55:33pat it's not neil
00:55:34pat
00:55:41get the fuck back here
00:55:42get the fuck back here
00:55:43oh you god damn it
00:55:45pat he stole the car
00:55:51what
00:55:58i have to hand it
00:55:59well i have to hand it to you
00:56:01it's pretty brave of you to come back for me
00:56:03what happened to you
00:56:04just tried to keep him busy
00:56:05tried to buy you some time
00:56:07but i did get pretty friendly with brad
00:56:10denise he's the enemy
00:56:11for fuck's sake neil i'm joking
00:56:17you're never gonna get it
00:56:18you're never gonna get it are you
00:56:18get what
00:56:20that i like you you moron
00:56:22i like you too but you don't have to be a bitch about it
00:56:25no neil
00:56:25fuck
00:56:26i like like you
00:56:29like like
00:56:31what
00:56:32why
00:56:34i don't know because you're like the coolest person i've ever met
00:56:37i'm not i'm not cool denise i don't even know how to be cool
00:56:40exactly neil
00:56:41oh wow
00:56:43awesome does that mean we get to have sex now
00:56:46no
00:56:47make love
00:56:47okay you really have to do better than that
00:56:49you smell this
00:56:51no neil i
00:56:52jesus what do you want me to say that i like you but i but i i've always liked you
00:56:56but i never thought
00:56:56you're a fucking chicken
00:56:58fuck
00:56:59okay let's just go back in time
00:57:01pretend i had the guts to ask you out on a real date
00:57:03a date
00:57:05okay where are we going
00:57:07it's a surprise but but you say yes i uh i picked you up at your house with one perfect
00:57:12red rose
00:57:13and uh i'm really nervous because this is the night i'm gonna tell you everything and you're really nervous too
00:57:18because you know what's coming
00:57:20all right tell me more
00:57:22we start with something fun
00:57:24like go-karting and uh and after we walk down to that fancy vegan restaurant and uh
00:57:31nice touch
00:57:32after dinner we walk by the beach and i gather every bit of courage i have and tell you what
00:57:38i've always needed to
00:57:42what do you say
00:57:44that i've liked you since i was old enough to like girls but i was terrified that if i made
00:57:50a move on you
00:57:52you would ruin it and screw it up and you never talk to me again
00:58:06oh god hold on
00:58:07can you hold it up and you're going to be working on your dog and you're going to be working
00:58:15on your dog well
00:58:41Are you fucking kidding me, Neil?
00:58:44Neil, are you fucking kidding me?
00:58:47Oh, fuck me, sorry.
00:58:48Oh, my God.
00:58:51Neil, come on.
00:58:53I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
00:58:56That's a mess.
00:58:58Denise, I really can't.
00:59:04What the...
00:59:05What the...
00:59:08Was there penetration?
00:59:11A bunch.
00:59:14Really?
00:59:16So tell me what it felt like.
00:59:17Like if we can put a sock...
00:59:19Put a sock on a foot, man.
00:59:22And it fits just right.
00:59:24I'm still a virgin.
00:59:25Let's go.
00:59:26Let's go.
00:59:27Buddy.
00:59:27Let's go.
00:59:28I'm so sorry.
00:59:29It's okay.
00:59:30Call me tomorrow.
00:59:32I will.
00:59:33Did you get it in?
00:59:34Did you get it in her?
00:59:36What?
00:59:45So?
00:59:47What happened?
00:59:48Are you going to say anything?
00:59:50Are you going to tell me what happened?
00:59:51What happened?
00:59:52Okay.
00:59:53I told Denise I liked her.
00:59:54She said she liked me back.
00:59:56Which was great.
00:59:57And then I came all over her fucking leg.
01:00:00Happy?
01:00:02Happy?
01:00:02She's awesome, dude.
01:00:04Shit, if you would have told her sooner, you could have been breaking your oath all over
01:00:07the place.
01:00:08We wouldn't even be here.
01:00:10Oh, so this is my fault now, Matt.
01:00:13No.
01:00:13No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:00:14I'm just saying.
01:00:15Oh, you're just saying.
01:00:17Good.
01:00:17Good.
01:00:18Okay, good.
01:00:18You're just saying.
01:00:19Uh-huh.
01:00:20Okay.
01:00:21Well, what I'm saying is that you've made this whole night about you.
01:00:25I was the one who was supposed to get late tonight.
01:00:28You cut in line, and you were the one who had sex.
01:00:31Yeah, I had sex with a dirty hoe, okay?
01:00:34What you had with Denise, that's special.
01:00:36That's, that's, that's nice.
01:00:38Fuck you, man.
01:00:38No.
01:00:39Fuck me.
01:00:40It's too late.
01:00:40There's no more me and Denise, dude.
01:00:42No.
01:00:43I'm not going to school again, dude.
01:00:45I'm dead.
01:00:45Like, fucking dead.
01:00:46Dead, dead, dead.
01:00:47You're not dead yet, okay?
01:00:49You, you still, we can still get out of here, and don't blame me for this.
01:00:53I'm going to get out.
01:00:53I'm like, my hands are fucking tied.
01:00:55Yeah?
01:00:55My hands are tied.
01:00:56My hands are tied, too.
01:01:00Did you just kick me?
01:01:07Did you just fucking kick me?
01:01:08Yeah, I fucking, what are you doing, man?
01:01:10You fucking kicked me.
01:01:11Your kick fucking hurts.
01:01:13Hey, hey, shut the fuck up back there.
01:01:15No, you shut the fuck up, man.
01:01:17Fuck you, man.
01:01:19Fuck.
01:01:22Fucking God.
01:01:31Don't even.
01:01:32Ah.
01:01:33There you are.
01:01:36You are more trouble than you're worth.
01:01:39And you have kept us waiting.
01:01:43Well, I've got to hand it to you, Neil.
01:01:45You continually find new ways to humiliate your family.
01:01:49I'm the embarrassment.
01:01:51Really, Dad, me.
01:01:52I'm the embarrassment.
01:01:53Yeah, that's right, buster.
01:01:55This stupid religion is fucked with your head so bad.
01:01:58You're actually willing to sacrifice your own flesh and blood for some red guy with a tail.
01:02:04Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:02:04That's where you go easy.
01:02:06You worship a fucking Halloween costume.
01:02:08Yeah.
01:02:08Shut up.
01:02:11You drag mom down with you.
01:02:13Look at her.
01:02:14Does she look okay to you?
01:02:16I'm not the embarrassment.
01:02:19How very sweet.
01:02:22I wish we had more time for such touching family reunions.
01:02:26But alas, we do not.
01:02:29Get them ready.
01:02:31Everything's going to be okay now.
01:02:54Real nice.
01:02:56Real fucking nice.
01:02:58Your own son.
01:03:00You're gutless.
01:03:16Come on, Neil.
01:03:20Don't talk to me.
01:03:34I cried.
01:03:38What?
01:03:40I cried.
01:03:42What are you saying?
01:03:44What do you mean you cried?
01:03:45What are you talking about?
01:03:46I lost my virginity to a prostitute tonight, and I cried.
01:03:54Yeah.
01:03:55All right?
01:03:58I don't know what happened, man.
01:03:59I just lost it.
01:04:02I mean, I had it, but then, I don't know, something just snapped, and I just...
01:04:09Well, at least it didn't come on her leg.
01:04:11Right?
01:04:12Right on the leg?
01:04:13Leg, the seat.
01:04:15It's fucking embarrassing.
01:04:18Come here, man.
01:04:20Come here.
01:04:21I'm sorry, dude.
01:04:21Come here, dude.
01:04:22I'm sorry, man.
01:04:23This whole fucking thing.
01:04:24No, no, no.
01:04:25Fuck you, dude.
01:04:29This is nice.
01:04:31I needed this.
01:04:36What was that, buddy?
01:04:40Wait.
01:04:41There still might be a way out of this.
01:04:44Now, Lauren...
01:04:45No, no, no.
01:04:45Stop being so at peace with everything, man, okay?
01:04:48Just listen to me here.
01:04:49Hear me out, okay?
01:04:50I'm not going to give up on you.
01:04:54When does a guy's virginity really end, right?
01:04:57It's when he penetrates something with his erect penis.
01:05:01Right.
01:05:03Who says it has to be a vagina?
01:05:07Oh, God.
01:05:08No, no, no.
01:05:08No, no, no.
01:05:09I'm telling you, dude, if it's going to save your life...
01:05:14You've got to do me.
01:05:15I can't.
01:05:15I...
01:05:16You have to.
01:05:17Are you saying you couldn't fuck your best friend to save your own life?
01:05:20Is that what you're saying?
01:05:21I'm just not sure the equipment would work.
01:05:23Hey, don't be mean right now, okay?
01:05:25Just at least an eight.
01:05:26Even if you were a ten.
01:05:28I'm just saying, how hard could it be?
01:05:37Give me a sec.
01:05:37Okay.
01:05:38Just, yeah, just think.
01:05:41Okay, I'll try.
01:05:42What?
01:05:43I mean, really?
01:05:44Yeah, really.
01:05:45I mean, I want to live, right?
01:05:46Yeah, I want you to live, man.
01:05:51What?
01:05:51Whoa.
01:05:52Whoa, what are you doing?
01:05:53What was that?
01:05:54Sorry, I thought maybe...
01:05:55No extras, man.
01:05:56No time.
01:05:56No time for extras.
01:05:57Let's just...
01:05:58We just gotta...
01:05:58We just gotta go.
01:05:59How do we start?
01:06:01Uh...
01:06:01Uh...
01:06:02I don't know.
01:06:02Come here.
01:06:04Just, uh...
01:06:07Just...
01:06:07All right.
01:06:10You know.
01:06:10Oh, fuck.
01:06:11Yep.
01:06:12Oh, my God.
01:06:12Yep.
01:06:13You're my best friend.
01:06:14I am.
01:06:15You're my best friend.
01:06:16Best friend.
01:06:23So what are we gonna do with her?
01:06:25You stay here and watch her.
01:06:27But no, I want to watch the sacrifice.
01:06:29You said that...
01:06:30That's enough, Bradley.
01:06:33Oh, my God.
01:06:35Talks to you like you're a child.
01:06:38I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore.
01:06:41Come on, Brad.
01:06:43You're this...
01:06:45Smart, sexy guy.
01:06:47I mean, with your arms and abs...
01:06:51His chest, I mean...
01:06:53Girls must be hitting on you all the time.
01:06:56It is hard to find single women in this church.
01:07:00Well, as a single woman,
01:07:02how would I go about becoming part of the church?
01:07:05Gotta renounce God, get a tattoo,
01:07:07take a whiz and a Bible.
01:07:09It's a whole thing.
01:07:12You know, if you really want to go out there,
01:07:14you should just go.
01:07:15Yeah, I know.
01:07:16Except I can't,
01:07:17because I have to stay here and babysit you.
01:07:21I think I'll be fine.
01:07:34What's going on back there?
01:07:36I'm not hard.
01:07:37Oh, I'm sorry.
01:07:39I'm not going to blow you, dude.
01:07:40I didn't ask you to blow me, Matt.
01:07:42I know.
01:07:43It's just...
01:07:43Just get it in, you know?
01:07:44Oh, God.
01:07:46No.
01:07:47Shit.
01:07:47We were just...
01:07:48Hi, Dad.
01:07:50It's time.
01:07:54Hey, there's no judging.
01:07:56Fuck, a lady prostitute.
01:07:58A lady prostitute.
01:07:59And she was hot.
01:08:01Just a few hours ago.
01:08:01Real hot.
01:08:02You want to get to him,
01:08:03you got to go through me.
01:08:05Right.
01:08:05Oh.
01:08:07All right.
01:08:10Whoa, Neil.
01:08:11It's all good, man.
01:08:12Neil.
01:08:13Neil.
01:08:14Neil.
01:08:18I'm right here, man.
01:08:19I'm right beside you.
01:08:21Nominate Satanus.
01:08:24Nominate Satanus.
01:08:27Nominate Satanus.
01:08:29Satanus Rex.
01:08:32Satanus Rex.
01:08:34I invoke his power by these names.
01:08:39Belial.
01:08:41Baphomet.
01:08:43Beelzebub.
01:08:45Lucifer.
01:08:47Awful monster.
01:08:49Skip the names.
01:08:51What are you talking about?
01:08:52We can't skip the names.
01:08:53It's almost sunrise.
01:08:55You know what time it is.
01:08:56I've got a bloody watch, you know.
01:08:58Then you know it's time to get on with it.
01:09:00You can do better.
01:09:01Whatever.
01:09:01You do it then.
01:09:02Go on, here.
01:09:02Take the knife.
01:09:03No, no, no.
01:09:04Take the book.
01:09:04Take my robe.
01:09:05I'm so sorry for this interruption.
01:09:07No one cares about the names, for fuck's sake.
01:09:11All right.
01:09:12All right.
01:09:14In Nominate.
01:09:17Lord, we offer this virgin flesh unto you, that you may draw strength from the blood of innocents.
01:09:29For the glory of your kingdom.
01:09:34I'm sorry, Neil.
01:09:41In Nominate, please, Adam.
01:09:43In Nominate.
01:09:50Oh, hell's own inferno has come.
01:09:54I see his face in the veins.
01:10:00In Nominate, they're done.
01:10:02Karen?
01:10:03Oh, Satan burned my hand!
01:10:05No, the curtain's run by now.
01:10:07Oh, my God!
01:10:08It's on my fucking heart!
01:10:10It's on my fucking heart!
01:10:12Sheldon!
01:10:16Back!
01:10:17Back!
01:10:22Ah!
01:10:28Ah!
01:10:56Come back!
01:11:03Oh, my God.
01:11:05Oh, my God.
01:11:07Oh, my God.
01:11:08Oh, my God.
01:11:28I'm gonna hit my head.
01:11:36All right.
01:11:38Is this your garden?
01:11:39No.
01:11:41Do I check my bra now?
01:11:42Oh, I can check for you.
01:11:46What?
01:11:48Oh, my God, that's amazing.
01:11:50It'll make you an all-powerful video game God.
01:11:53I've been looking for this online for, like, months.
01:11:55How'd you find it?
01:11:56One of my birthday party clients hooked it up.
01:11:58I did an extra hour for his five-year-old.
01:12:00Awesome.
01:12:02Magic.
01:12:10You missed a wonderful service.
01:12:13We're good, Mom.
01:12:14Honey, just remember,
01:12:17Jesus loves you.
01:12:19He died for your sins.
01:12:25Give me the keys.
01:12:27I'm gonna drive.
01:12:33Matt?
01:12:34Guys.
01:12:35Hello, Shelly.
01:12:37Looking beautiful, as always.
01:12:38Oh, you're so sweet, Matt.
01:12:42We're gonna grab some vegan.
01:12:43Hit the go-kart track.
01:12:45Cool, cool.
01:12:46I mean, I tell you to come along.
01:12:48No, no, no, no.
01:12:48I'm fine.
01:12:49I've got my Bible study.
01:12:52Catch you guys later.
01:12:55All right.
01:12:55All right.
01:13:00All right.
01:13:02All you ate?
01:13:04Are you one crepe?
01:13:06You're ridiculous.
01:13:08Ridiculous.
01:13:09All right.
01:13:15Could you put on that Christian rock station?
01:13:17Sure.
01:13:20It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:22It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:25You love.
01:13:25It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:27It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:29We go pussy.
01:13:30It makes the world go round.
01:13:32Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:34We can have a sudden go recording if you fuck me down.
01:13:37Cause pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:39Pussy.
01:13:40It makes the world go round.
01:13:42Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:44We can have a sudden go recording if you fuck me down.
01:13:47Cause pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:49Pussy.
01:13:50It makes the world go round.
01:13:52Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:53We can have a sudden go recording if you fuck me down.
01:13:56Cause pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:59Pussy makes the world go.
01:14:01Pussy makes the world go round.
01:14:04Pussy makes the world go round.
01:14:06Pussy makes the world go round round.
01:14:09Pussy makes the world go round round.
01:14:11Pussy makes the world go round round.
01:14:14Pussy makes the world go.
01:14:16Pussy makes the world go.
01:14:18Pussy makes the world go.
01:14:18I'm no mad guys who's in love with their wives.
01:14:21Call them pussy cats cause they survive getting stabbed with a bout.
01:14:24Nine nods from all nine wives.
01:14:26One to five guys. Lie between your thighs.
01:14:28You realize this motherfucker ain't Tiamese.
01:14:30Sprint in his eyes when he talk as if he was Chinese.
01:14:33But just pretend he's still curry like Guyanese.
01:14:35Until one day niggas found a way.
01:14:37This is me squeeze. She came upstairs bitching.
01:14:39Rule listen. Niggas in front the building.
01:14:42With straight distance. Throwing hints.
01:14:43When I'm walking by I'm blowing kissin'.
01:14:45He was like what? Shit. Skip the riffing.
01:14:48Get the spittin' wessin'. Add the clippin'.
01:14:50Went outside started spittin'.
01:14:51Even hittin'. Motherfuckers who was down with him.
01:14:54Blood everywhere. Till his day niggas on his team still compare.
01:14:58In the Vaseline. Don't they put him in the test of care.
01:15:00Yo buck buck buck. Bullets tore they ass up.
01:15:02That's right on the scene. Police sirene slashed up.
01:15:05The agenda make up the renters all baggin' him up.
01:15:07Buddy vision livin' in prison started grabbin' his nuts.
01:15:10Told the cops it's his dick that they all suck.
01:15:12He started backin' him up.
01:15:14Wavin' his gat like he coppin' him up.
01:15:16That's when two D's came from behind trees.
01:15:18Told him freeze and dropped that.
01:15:20Instead he reloaded and cocked back.
01:15:22He said fuck that. Turned his hat from the front to his back.
01:15:24Played his index like Windex and squeezed on the gap.
01:15:27Immediately he started stumblin' back.
01:15:29Cause the SWAT team repeatedly laid his axe flat.
01:15:32As he laid on his back. His girl rushed to his side.
01:15:35Picked him up off the floor and put him on her lap.
01:15:37Got blood on her dress from the open flesh.
01:15:39Got the bullet wounds left in his chest cardiac arrest.
01:15:42She said pa, pa don't go.
01:15:44What about little Kadar?
01:15:45As she swept him out on the tar.
01:15:47Trying to give him out the mom's CPR.
01:15:49But babe pa still lying stiff.
01:15:51She grabbed his hand and placed him by her heart on top of her breast.
01:15:54This was for the love of her sex.
01:15:56This was for the love of her sex.
01:15:58This was for the love of her sex.
01:16:01Pussy makes the world go round.
01:16:06Pussy makes the world go round.
01:16:08Pussy makes the world go round
01:16:15Pussy makes the world go round
01:16:40My chemicals got you feeling like you're ready to blow
01:16:44If I had a Maserati then we could ride it for show
01:16:48So fresh and so clean, clean, Miss Jackson's in control
01:16:51Grab your keys and a skull
01:16:54Hands up and freak head
01:16:56We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this alone
01:17:01Hands up and freak head
01:17:03We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this alone
01:17:09You and I, you and I
01:17:12Making it ground shake, baby
01:17:15Ground shake, baby
01:17:17You and I, you and I
01:17:19Making it ground shake, baby
01:17:23Ground shake, baby
01:17:24We just wanna lose control
01:17:27We just wanna lose, we just wanna lose control
01:17:32You and I, you and I
01:17:34You and I, you and I
01:17:35Making it ground shake, baby
01:17:37Ground shake, baby
01:17:39This oxygen got you feeling like you're breathing the wind
01:17:43Put on my mic jacket, sip this on and move walking
01:17:47Who's bad, baby
01:17:49You're not alone, baby
01:17:51Grab your drinks and let's go
01:17:53Hands up and freak head
01:17:55We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this alone
01:18:00Hands up and freak head
01:18:02We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this alone
01:18:09You and I, you and I
01:18:11Making it ground shake, baby
01:18:14Ground shake, baby
01:18:16You and I, you and I
01:18:18Making it ground shake, baby
01:18:22Ground shake, baby
01:18:23We just wanna lose control
01:18:26We just wanna lose, we just wanna lose control
01:18:31You and I, you and I
01:18:33You and I, you and I
01:18:34Making it ground shake, baby
01:18:36Ground shake, baby
01:18:38Ground shake, baby
01:18:38Your heart's got me feeling so good inside, so good inside
01:18:45Your heart's got you feeling so good inside, so good
01:18:53My heart's got you feeling so good inside, so good inside
01:19:00My heart's got you feeling so good inside, so good, so good
01:19:33Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go
01:19:38We just wanna lose control
01:19:41You and I, you and I
01:19:43Make you the ground shake, baby
01:19:47Ground shake, baby
01:19:51Make you the ground shake, baby
01:19:54Ground shake, baby
01:19:56Baby
01:19:58Baby
01:19:59Ground shake, baby
01:20:01Ground shake, baby
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