00:02BruceDude.com
00:04When I was a kid, my dad used to take me to get my hair cut at a barber shop.
00:08If I got a haircut with my mom, I'd go to a salon.
00:10And just run around, be a little asshole, spray all the hairspray on the shelves,
00:14get my hair cut, get a sucker, and go the fuck home.
00:17But not at a barber shop, no.
00:18You sat your silly ass down and you got your goddamn haircut.
00:21You weren't dealing with your mom's best friend cutting your hair.
00:24You had a strange angry man doing it.
00:26I walk into this place and everybody's smoking cigarettes.
00:28I sit in a chair and I'm thinking, this is where people get haircuts?
00:32Somebody's garage, everybody smells like bourbon.
00:35I remember sitting there and there was a bunch of Playboy magazines on the table in front of me.
00:39Just some porn for casual read.
00:42I'm like, Dad, look, Dad, look, there's porn on the table, look it, shut up.
00:45But look, there's porn, there's Playboy magazines.
00:48Shut up, we talked about this in the car.
00:49Then you get to pick which convict you want to cut your hair.
00:52You got the bald guy with prison tattoos, some guy with an eye patch,
00:56and then the old guy, his hands are fucking shaking.
01:00He's over there, you can hardly see anything.
01:02He's giving everybody haircuts from the 1920s.
01:04I'm sitting there completely baffled.
01:06Like, what the hell, I'm getting my hair cut by pirates?
01:08Well, I guess I'll option with the bald guy.
01:11Because bald people know a lot about cutting hair.
01:13And I'm looking at this nasty ass barber chair.
01:15It's got dried blood all over it.
01:17Like, do I really want to sit there?
01:19Do I really want to get body lice?
01:21But you do it, because you don't want Cyrus the Virus from Con Air ripping your fucking arms off.
01:26Sit down, I start telling the guy,
01:28Oh, I want a number two on the sides and finger length on top.
01:31Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:32You want a fucking haircut, right?
01:34Look at the board over there, we have one option.
01:36Don't give me any of that fancy jargon.
01:37You want your hair shorter than it is now?
01:39Okay, I got it.
01:40We start making these weird ass jokes.
01:42Jokes that you're not even sure are jokes at all.
01:44They're like, man, you're a cute kid.
01:45If I didn't know any better, I'd steal you off the street and take you home with me.
01:49You're like, what the hell?
01:51Your eyes are fixed on the front door.
01:52Like, I could just leave.
01:53I could just get up and run out of here.
01:54Run down the street screaming to make a scene.
01:56You look back at your dad, he's fucking sleeping on the chair.
01:59Like, what the fuck, dad?
02:00Is this guy gonna fucking cut my hair?
02:02Is he gonna skim me alive?
02:03So they start cutting your hair, and you gotta be perfectly fucking still,
02:06because, uh, they'll cut ya.
02:07And if they cut ya, they'll yell at ya, because it's your fault.
02:11Stop fucking moving your head!
02:13Uh, alright, shit.
02:14Uh, I'll try not to blink.
02:16I'll try not to breathe at all, really.
02:17You're praying to Jesus.
02:19You're like, God, please, just get me through this.
02:21I'll give you all my Pokemon cards if you just take me to a salon.
02:24And then ten minutes later, they're done, and it's actually a really good haircut.
02:27You're like, holy hell, that's the best haircut I ever had in my life!
02:30Thank you, strange man with only four teeth in your head.
02:33You cut hair really good.
02:34And then you think, maybe it's worth it.
02:36Maybe it's worth a few cigarette burns and almost shit in your pants for a really good haircut.
02:40And then you're like, no, no, it's not fucking worth it.
02:43I'm in the car, I'm like, Dad, don't you ever fucking take me back there again, okay?
02:46You take me back there again, and I'm gonna be a drug addict rapist when I grow up.
02:49And then you'll find me years later, cutting hair at that fucking barber shop,
02:53scaring the shit out of little kids my age.
02:55God, your hair smells good!
02:57You sure you don't want to take your shirt off before we do this thing?
03:00Ha ha ha ha!
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