- 2 days ago
Category
🎵
MusicTranscript
00:00In 1979, on a school skiing trip, P.E. teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an avalanche.
00:08Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found and miraculously brought back to life over 40 years later.
00:23Make it sparkle, please, boys.
00:29What are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34Fist only. Shake hands afterwards.
00:37Mr Mammoth, glad I caught you.
00:39I just wondered if there was possibly an option for you to cover my lesson later.
00:44I've got a bit of an emergency at home and you're the only one with a free lesson?
00:52No. No.
00:58Cheers.
01:03There's bits in that.
01:04Oh, yeah.
01:18Bye.
01:19Bye.
01:44of course paddle is a sport mammoth plus the kids like it and more importantly the
01:48head of department me likes it think we should get the equipment paddle just tennis for fatties
01:54and old people all the department needs is new sand in the long jump pit hey where you going
02:01staff meeting i got arranged with cowley everyone else goes to staff meetings i work on my golf
02:06swing yeah but cowley's not here what he's been signed off stress stress what's he going to be
02:13stressed about certain members of staff mr evans isn't it i'll kill him yeah he's brought in a
02:19short-term interim head they got a new bloke filling in good morning team my name's mr reynolds but you
02:27can call me gus i've heard great things about the crack squad here at nolan high school and it is
02:34an
02:34honor to be driving this ship forward as mr cowley takes some much-needed rest time right shall we
02:41have a look at your department action plans well thank you sorry mr um mammoth mr mammoth this is
02:49an all-staff meeting we've got an arrangement cowley yeah and that's great but i i'd really love it to
02:55be an all-staff meeting cheers buddy buddy well i i think i speak for everyone when i say i'm
03:03really
03:03excited i feel like we need a fresh change around here the skipper had this place running like a well
03:11oil machine well he didn't address any of my concerns about staff in my department now now
03:15team i'm sure we're all pulling in the same direction yes mr mammoth maybe you'd like to
03:20share the p department's action plan
03:27the plan is excellent p.e could you elaborate on that excellent physical education
03:42yes well i think you might want to brush up on that a little bit mr mammoth
03:49do you know what i'm not putting up with this you may think you've won the battle mate
03:54but you haven't won the war revolution starts today who's with me
04:10surprise
04:10don't do that oh my baby my big strapping handsome 18 year old feels like only yesterday i was kissing
04:19that face goodnight and tucking you in you did do that yesterday now we can't get the photographer
04:24today but they're gonna come tomorrow oh mom what it's tradition you love all mom and son photo shoots
04:32do you open your present from your granddad yep oh well i better go i'm gonna be late for school
04:39school on your birthday oh i don't think so mr i've already phoned them and said you got measles
04:45high five it's for us
04:50now i know you said you didn't want me to arrange anything yeah because i don't but you can't not
04:55have a party on your 18th
04:56what would you like to do more than anything in this world
04:59oh there is actually a new manga exhibition
05:02that's right hedge maze i found this great one at a national trust house
05:07what's that has it got a tea room uh let me think only the best bloody tea room on trip
05:12advisor
05:12i liked hedge mazes when i was a kid
05:15i'm not really into them anymore
05:16that's fine okay we'll cancel it if that's what you want
05:19yes please
05:20i'm lying we're going it's gonna be great
05:25people
05:29i don't think that balance springs seen wd-40 since i was in short trousers
05:33i think you've got your work cut out there peter
05:36could you have plenty of time on my hands john
05:42it's very therapeutic though
05:44god i haven't done anything like this for years
05:48i just feel a total sense of calm
05:53skipper
05:58mr mammoth how did you find me
06:00mrs c told me where you were not straight away
06:02i had told an important police matter and you were facing some very serious allegations
06:07what
06:08i'm in the middle of something
06:09what playing with toys
06:11what why is this place
06:12it's a share and repair group
06:15people bring in broken things and we fix them
06:18this cannot pay you more than a head teacher salary
06:21i'm not being paid
06:23well they're taking advantage of you
06:25you ought to be ashamed of yourselves
06:26running up a sweatshop
06:28no
06:30it's just
06:31relaxing
06:32mindful
06:33well for christ's sake peter
06:35meanwhile some young bucks in your school taking your job
06:38great
06:39they found someone
06:40oh they found someone right
06:41well you better believe it
06:42yeah a right piece of work
06:43the way he spoke to me
06:45like i was shit on his shoes
06:47i've seen power corrupt
06:49but hoo hoo
06:49this rounds
06:51he's something else
06:54miss mansford
06:55mr reynolds
06:57gus
06:57please
06:58er is that right for you lucy
07:00i thought you might like a little flat white
07:04er you're a paddle enthusiast
07:06me too
07:08well i was actually thinking of getting some paddle equipment for the school and it's it's not in the curriculum
07:13er curriculums are flexible lucy i think that's a great idea
07:17if you're passionate about something i will back you
07:19you get that equipment ordered
07:21even er give you a little game yeah
07:24okay
07:25bye i love you
07:27i mean i mean thanks
07:32we need you back skipper
07:33but i've been signed off
07:35doctor says i need a break from work
07:37rubbish
07:38do you know how many head teachers i've worked under over the years that have had mental breakdowns
07:43all of them
07:44i know a nutter when i see one and you are not a nutter
07:47i think people
07:50myself included
07:51find the word nutter
07:53extremely problematic
07:54i've got no problem with it
07:55it's very important for men to look after their mental health
07:58blokes don't have to talk about that sort of stuff okay
08:00just bottle it up
08:01and get on with it
08:02my dad never talked about his mental health
08:04and he fought in the war
08:07alright
08:07he didn't like getting on boats
08:08and didn't like loud noises
08:11to keep him in the house on
08:12Guy Fawkes night
08:13with the dog
08:15sometimes we go on a bender for
08:17two or three weeks at a time
08:20never really spoke to me
08:22mum or my sister
08:24never once
08:25slept through a whole night
08:27but you know what
08:29he never once complained
08:31stiff upper lip
08:34now i know what you need to de-stress
08:37shh shh shh
08:38i'd really rather stay here tony
08:41what's wrong with your wrinkles
08:44they're antique clock hands
08:46oh
08:47oh
08:49that did it
08:50Peter
08:51why don't you and your friend finish up now and call it a day
08:54yeah lovely
08:56cheers
09:03eighteen
09:04oh
09:06seems like only yesterday you were just
09:07little boys
09:09yeah
09:10might have things change
09:11can you believe i'm your boss no auntie ma'am
09:14don't ruin it Nathan
09:17written down a few words to mark the occasion
09:19is mammoth coming
09:20i'm only here because he said i had to be
09:23Theo
09:24eighteen years ago
09:27you were just a
09:29little tiny acorn
09:31look at you now
09:33you have grown
09:35into a mighty oak
09:37thanks mum please stop
09:38yes
09:40the mighty oak has a point
09:41sorry there's
09:44there's a lot of emotion going on right now
09:47oh
09:48come here you
09:49oh
09:51now we
09:52are gonna have
09:53an amazing
09:55time
09:56room for two more
10:00hello
10:00sir
10:01hello Theo
10:03many happy returns
10:04grandad's
10:05why have you brought my head teacher
10:06i'm de-stressing him
10:08between us he's had a massive mental breakdown
10:11kind of a crack as if any skip
10:13well
10:13i think you know everyone here mr cowley
10:16except harry
10:18he's a stripper
10:19oh you found the place good lad
10:20why did you hire me a male stripper
10:23that was all they had left
10:24it was that or nothing
10:25nothing would have been fine
10:27so do you want me to strip now or
10:29oh no no no stripping today
10:31thank you
10:32but do you want to join us in the hedge maze
10:34oh sure i mean you paid for the hour
10:36might as well
10:37so do you want me to strip in the maze or
10:39no keep your clothes on harry i cannot stress that enough
10:43it's the worst birthday ever
10:44no it's not
10:47it's the best
10:50right guys first one to the middle is the champion
10:53come on
10:57sorry i didn't get you anything Theo
10:58but i didn't know i was going to be here until mr mammoth
11:01don't even worry about that
11:01i get it
11:02you can't smoke that in here
11:04in where? where outside
11:05if you want my advice
11:07if i wanted your advice
11:08it'd be about being a bellend
11:15hey
11:16thunder out
11:17bit of fresh air
11:19be raring to get back to work
11:20kick that cook out of your nest
11:22all right
11:23try it again
11:26hey
11:27school trip's back on
11:29come on
11:32let's go
11:33come on kids
11:38this is a dead end
11:40shouldn't we go back
11:41no
11:42it is good
11:43i need a break from mum honestly i swear she's getting worse
11:45do you want me to say something to her at work
11:48i can make it official
11:50verbal warning
11:52no thanks
11:55oh there he is
11:56the birthday boy
11:58hi mum how'd you find me
12:00i'm your mum
12:01i always know where you are
12:02it's a little thing called mother's intuition
12:03she put a tracking tile in your back pocket
12:06thanks a lot harry
12:07grass
12:09okay
12:10so now that we're all here together
12:13let's focus on the maze
12:14which way birthday boy
12:16don't care
12:16heeny meeny miny mo
12:17please mum
12:18hatch a tiger by its tail
12:20if we just get to the middle
12:20we can go home
12:21i can't
12:22i just can't do this anymore
12:25what's the matter with you
12:27is it drugs
12:30county lines
12:30if you're in a gang for you so help me
12:33i'm just fed up of you treating me like a child
12:35or i'm 18 years old and i don't want you fussing over me anymore
12:37i don't want to do the mother and son photo shoots
12:40i hate hedge mazes
12:42i'm going for a coffee
12:50how am i supposed to get out of this place
13:00how am i supposed to get out of this place
13:19i'll find the middle skipper
13:20found the middle skipper
13:23i really don't think you should have chainsawed through the maze mr mammas
13:26bit late for that
13:27what's wrong with you
13:28is it him
13:30I've paid you to take your kit off, Harry.
13:32If she wants them off, they've got to come off.
13:33You can't be shy, pal.
13:35Not on your game.
13:36Come on.
13:41Nathan, no.
13:47Hey!
13:49I made you a coffee and a keep cup to take to school.
13:51Right.
13:52Put your name on it in case you lose it.
13:54I know what you're like.
13:56OK, so shall I see you at pick-up?
13:58Yes, I came home.
13:59What?
14:00You can't walk home, not with your shin splints.
14:02The doctor's told you I don't have shin splints.
14:06I think I know my son's body better than any GP.
14:08God, I can look after myself, you know?
14:14Brilliant.
14:15Just brilliant.
14:16Don't be telling it yourself.
14:19Theo's a man now.
14:20He doesn't need you anymore.
14:22Sooner you leave home, then you've done your job.
14:24You can just sit down there and wait to retire.
14:27Maybe get a cat.
14:29I'm allergic to cats.
14:30Well, a dog, then.
14:31Something.
14:32You'll need something to deal with the loneliness,
14:33because you will be lonely when Theo goes.
14:35My friend Paul, when his kids left home,
14:37he, er, bought a pet tiger.
14:40Raised him from a cub.
14:41They went everywhere together.
14:43Absolutely inseparable, they were.
14:45Then in 1976, they changed the law,
14:47and he had to get it destroyed.
14:49Yeah.
14:51So that's that, then.
15:13Skipper, in.
15:14Oh, hello again, Mr. Mammoth.
15:16Do you mean Peter?
15:18Everyone calls from Skipper.
15:18Shouldn't you be teaching?
15:20It's Tuesday morning.
15:21Don't worry about it.
15:22I've got it covered.
15:23Cash your minds back.
15:24The summer of 1977.
15:26The premier football of his generation,
15:28Mr. George Best,
15:29and the premier PE teacher of his generation,
15:31me,
15:32walk into Soho's famous Raymond Revue Bar
15:35with a couple of absolute stunners.
15:39And I mean stunners.
15:41Well, I'm afraid he's gone fishing.
15:43He's been a bit tense since yesterday.
15:45Had a bit of a stressful day.
15:48Really?
15:49Something that's happened after I left.
15:52Just when I started to get him
15:53feeling like himself again,
15:54that's a shame.
15:56But don't you worry.
15:57Tony's going to look after him.
15:59Can't have you married to some nutter,
16:01eh, Mrs. C?
16:01See you later.
16:04See you later.
16:35Oh, God.
16:58Ahoy, Skipper!
17:04Hey, hey!
17:07Tony?
17:08You're here.
17:09Of course I am.
17:11Hey,
17:11you don't need to thank me.
17:13Whoa!
17:15So, uh,
17:16what are you fishing for?
17:17Mullet, actually.
17:18Look, I don't want to sound ungrateful,
17:19but really I'm here for the solitude.
17:21You and me both.
17:23What can be better, eh?
17:24Two lucky lads out on the open lake
17:26doing a spot of fishing
17:27shouldn't have that brain of yours sorted.
17:29Then you can march back in that school
17:31with your head held high
17:31and kick that pretender
17:33out of your throne.
17:35God only knows what he's up to right now.
17:38Well,
17:39when I, uh,
17:41joined this, uh, school,
17:43I
17:45didn't think I would
17:47really be able to
17:49fit in.
17:54all of you held me
17:56tried to become
17:57the best version
17:57of myself.
17:59Oh, God.
18:07We need you back, Skipper.
18:10What use of a bait?
18:12Maggots.
18:13The man in the shop
18:14said they did the best for Mullet.
18:15Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
18:16He saw you coming.
18:17They are rubbish.
18:19No, I've got just the thing.
18:21Now,
18:22if I remember correctly,
18:24the Mullet
18:24is a very,
18:25very easily
18:26distracted fish.
18:27You must get their attention.
18:28That is why
18:29I always bring
18:31one of these.
18:35Hey.
18:36Good sharp blast on that.
18:38Every couple of seconds,
18:38they'll be flying into your net.
18:40Get in the water.
18:49I'm sure it was
18:50catching Mullet.
18:52What a scare in bears.
19:02Oi.
19:03Sad case.
19:04How was your birthday party?
19:06I heard Cowley was there.
19:08Could you be any more tragic?
19:10You need to get a life,
19:11you wanker.
19:12Oi, Darren!
19:13If I wanted advice from you,
19:15it would be about
19:15being a bellend.
19:19What?
19:20Did you just say?
19:22Um.
19:24Oh, God.
19:25It's fine.
19:27Distraction!
19:28Distraction!
19:31One minute,
19:32they're a baby
19:32in your arms.
19:34Next minute,
19:34they don't need you
19:35any more.
19:37Have you got kids, Ashley?
19:39No.
19:40I'm 16.
19:41That's a shame.
19:43Mum!
19:44Help!
19:45No!
19:46Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!
19:47What the bloody hell
19:48do you think you're doing?
19:49Get out of my way!
19:50I'm going to barter him.
19:51You should be ashamed
19:52of yourself, Darren Malone.
19:53I know who you are.
19:54I know your mum.
19:55She goes to my Zumba class.
19:57I recognise you
19:58from your trip to Disneyland.
20:00What are you talking about?
20:01Your mum shared a picture
20:02on the WhatsApp group.
20:03You were crying your little eyes out
20:05because there was wasps
20:06all over your ice cream.
20:08I mean,
20:09it'd be a shame
20:09if one of those pictures
20:10ended up on another
20:11WhatsApp group,
20:11wouldn't it?
20:13Like a year 13 one.
20:15I'm in your tent.
20:16Whatever.
20:16Ay-ay-ay!
20:18Don't mess with the Taekwondo,
20:19Darren.
20:21I did two weeks straight
20:22in 2022.
20:24I enjoyed it,
20:24but clashed with
20:25Theo's clarinet lessons,
20:26but since I said
20:29I was a natural.
20:31You're weird.
20:32You're weird.
20:34Bzzz!
20:37Mate,
20:38everyone,
20:38into me!
20:40Excuse me.
20:42Ah!
20:43Thanks, mum.
20:45Oh,
20:45it's no biggie.
20:47So,
20:48do you want to go
20:48get a coffee together?
20:50No,
20:50can we just go home?
20:53Maybe then
20:53we can get that photo
20:54done together?
20:59Yes.
21:01I can't believe
21:02we didn't catch any fish.
21:04I caught a few
21:05before you started
21:06getting the mullet's attention.
21:08That's been on the lake
21:09for what,
21:09six hours?
21:10About that.
21:12Before the police turned up.
21:14Yeah.
21:14Anyway,
21:15my robe.
21:19It doesn't stop.
21:20There's no off switch.
21:22Roger,
21:22how do you do it?
21:24Roger?
21:28Sorry,
21:28what did you say?
21:29Mr. Mammoth.
21:31It's harder now
21:31than it was
21:32when I was at school.
21:34At least there,
21:34he left at three.
21:36I didn't know
21:36what to do.
21:37How do you put up
21:38with him?
21:38It was harder
21:39in the past,
21:40but these days...
21:42Hearing aids.
21:43That's what Mammoth
21:44thinks too.
21:45No,
21:46they're just saidful.
21:48Absolute godsend.
21:50I'm currently listening
21:51to a playlist called
21:53Relaxing Rainforest.
21:54I just want him
21:55to respectfully
21:56go away.
21:58Ha!
21:59Good luck with that.
22:01I had a good run.
22:04Forty years
22:05without him.
22:09But then
22:09I always knew
22:10he'd come back.
22:13Godspeed,
22:14Peter.
22:15Right,
22:15here we go.
22:17Now,
22:17Skipper,
22:18I've been thinking
22:19about your old...
22:21Back in the day,
22:22the mere one
22:22of the boys
22:23fell a bit down,
22:24needed to just
22:25perk our spirits up,
22:26maybe unwind,
22:26blow off some steam.
22:27We'd have a big
22:28weekend away.
22:29And I mean
22:29a big weekend away.
22:31We're talking
22:32Magaluf,
22:33Las Vegas,
22:34Tenby.
22:34But whatever
22:35it takes,
22:36Skipper...
22:50Whatever it takes,
22:52I'm going to be
22:53there for you.
22:53Tony Mammoth
22:54is going to be
22:54by your side.
22:56Like a shadow.
22:57Like a shadow
22:58that's there all the time,
22:59even in the night time.
23:00Like a...
23:00Like a moon shadow.
23:02But not the Cat Stevens.
23:03Oh, God,
23:03I can't do this.
23:04OK.
23:05OK,
23:05I'll come back
23:06to school.
23:07Please,
23:08leave me alone.
23:10Good man.
23:11Well done.
23:12Well done, you.
23:12Well done, us.
23:14What a team.
23:15What a team.
23:16Cheers.
23:25Now, I'm sure we're all grateful
23:26for the wonderful job
23:27Mr Reynolds has done,
23:29but I am returning
23:30full-time
23:31as of today.
23:33Three cheers for the skipper.
23:35Hip, hip.
23:38Thank you,
23:39Mr Mammoth.
23:42Now, there's some good news
23:44and some bad.
23:46I'm afraid I'm going to have
23:47to reverse a number
23:48of the projects
23:49undertaken in my absence,
23:52including returning
23:53the new paddle equipment.
23:54You've got to be kidding me.
23:56The good news,
23:56we have managed
23:57to find the resources
23:58to refresh
23:59the sand
24:01in the long jump pit.
24:05Any questions?
24:07No?
24:08Great.
24:09Welcome back, skipper.
24:11Welcome back.
24:24Shall I top up the car, sir?
24:26Cheers, babe.
24:26Yes, sir.
24:28Can't I just practice
24:29my long jump, sir?
24:30Obviously not.
24:31Because when the sun's out,
24:32don't just run about,
24:34remember?
24:35Cheers.
24:46Skipper!
24:47Don't want to think
24:48about sports day.
24:49I think we need
24:50to bring back
24:50metal javelins.
24:52I'm not going to break
24:52any records
24:53with phone ones.
25:07Great.
25:09Beach, baby,
25:10beach, baby,
25:11give me your hand,
25:12give me something
25:13that I can remember.
25:16Just like before,
25:17we could walk
25:18by the shore
25:19in the moonlight.
25:23Beach, baby,
25:24beach, baby,
25:25there on the sand
25:26from July
25:27to the end
25:28because my
25:30I love the sand
25:32and I hope
25:32I'll talk to you
25:32when it's like
25:33you're so that
25:33you're so good.
25:34you're so good.
25:34bye-bye.
25:35See you then.
25:36Bye-bye.
25:37See you then.
Comments